Original subtitles

Hi, this is Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

I think I'm going to have the beef soo chow.

Mm, I hear that's marvelous. Oh, Mr. Fong.

I am honored to have you in my humble place, Mr. Stephens.

And, uh...? My wife, Samantha.

How do you do? FONG: How do you do?

Please sit down. Thank you.

I'm certainly looking forward to the prospect

of handling your advertising.

Yes, let's hope we can bring that about.

Mr. and Mrs. Tate should be here any minute.

Good. In the meantime, I have a surprise.

This is my masterpiece,

and I would like you both to try it, with my compliment.

Well, now we're honored.

Please.

Thank you.

Mm.

That's marvelous.

What in the world is in it?

Sorry, the ingredients are secret.

All but one.

The Himalayan cinnamon stick is very rare.

From a remote area high in the mountains.

I have named my drink after the stick.

The Heavenly Himalayan.

Night after night, I stayed here after closing,

trying this formula and that,

like a witch over her caldron.

[LAUGHS] [LAUGHS]

Well, you certainly came up with a bewitching drink.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's, uh, heavenly, all right.

And heady too, you might say.

Ooh.

Sam, are you all right?

I, uh... I... I feel a little strange.

[GIGGLING]

The truth is, I feel a lot strange.

Strange?

Dizzy.

Perhaps madam would like to lie down in the office?

Uh, no. No, I think we'd better leave.

Oh...

Uh, I am definitely not well.

The Himalayan cocktail is really very mild.

It's never affected any of my customer like that before.

Well, Sam's not like

any of your other customers, Mr. Fong.

Caldron, caldron, tell me true.

How you stirred up Such a witches' brew.

We do have to go home.

Yes. Yes, and the better the sooner.

Would you make our excuses to Mr. and Mrs. Tate?

Yes.

[ ]

Oh, Mr. Stephens, what's wrong?

Oh, I... I wish I knew.

Where am I?

You're home.

Samantha, what's wrong?

[GIGGLES]

Who's she?

It's your Aunt Hagatha.

Oh, so it is.

What's she doing here?

She's sitting for us.

[LAUGHS]

No, she's not. She's standing for us.

[LAUGHING]

Toot-toot.

Oh, Mr. Stephens, she's sick.

Oh, I don't understand it. [LAUGHING]

She just had a couple of sips of a drink and got looped.

That's impossible.

Witches aren't subject to such mortal frailties.

Something is radically wrong.

Samantha, should I get in touch with Dr. Bombay?

That quack? Absolutely not.

Samantha, is he always this difficult?

Relax, sweetheart.

We may not need Dr. Bombay after all.

I'm beginning to feel better.

At least I'm not dizzy anymore.

Do you mind if I try out my witchcraft?

Whether he minds or not doesn't matter.

The only thing I mind is her.

Well, let's see.

Lamp, lamp on yonder table Fly to me if you are able.

Well, now shall I call Dr. Bombay,

or are you still in your mortal snit?

[MAGICAL CHIME]

Sam!

HAGATHA: Great Hector's ghost!

Now what?

Look.

Don't just stand there, get Dr. Bombay.

[GASPS]

Oh...

And I bet you thought you'd grown accustomed to my face.

NARRATOR:

[ ]

[ ]

[ ]

Darrin, before Aunt Hagatha puts in a call to Dr. Bombay,

wouldn't you like to go into the den and work?

Or take a nap? Or something?

No, thanks.

Well, I know Dr. Bombay isn't one of your favorites.

Among your friends and relatives, I have no favorites.

I guess everything your mother says about him is true.

Shh.

Aunt Hagatha, please. The spell?

Oh, yes, dear. Yes, yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

From Tripoli to Timbuktu.

I beg, I plead I beseech of you.

A moment longer, don't delay.

Dr. Bombay, streak this way.

Hi, there, you called?

Uh, we called, we didn't whistle.

Where's Dr. Bombay?

Bomb's away.

"Bomb's away"?

That's what I call him. "Bomb" for short.

What, and I'll be sorry I asked, does he call you?

Often. He calls me Often.

Figures.

Now, look, Miss Often,

when will the doctor be back?

Any minute now. I left him a message.

Now I have to get back. I'm his receptionist.

I'm very receptive.

Bye, now.

Where is the doctor, I wonder?

Probably out in the cosmos chasing ambulances.

He may be chasing, but not ambulances.

Sorry I was detained,

I've been over at the gym wrestling with a problem.

How to come to grips with my new nurse.

That's a problem?

Not really. I'll pin her down yet.

Dr. Bombay, we do not find your personal peccadilloes

the least bit amusing.

[GASPS] You peeked.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

will somebody talk some sense into this clown?

I will.

My witchcraft has gone to pot

and in case you haven't noticed,

my face is covered with red stripes.

Hm. Interesting. Very interesting.

Well, doctor, what do you think the matter is?

Obviously, her witchcraft has gone to pot

and she's developed red stripes.

I'd hoped you could tell me what disease I have.

Judging by the symptoms,

I'd say you had Bright Red Stripes disease.

Is that serious?

Not at all. Just inconvenient. It lasts one full year.

Dr. Bombay, you have to do something.

I can't walk around with these stripes for a year.

The disease lasts one full year,

unless it's cured within eight hours.

Perhaps I could find an antidote if I knew how you got it.

You haven't been mixing eye of newt with oysters, have you?

No.

Ah, then there's only one other way

you could have got it.

Have you been recently

on the western slopes of the Himalayas?

Lately, I haven't been any further than a PTA meeting.

The drink. She had a drink with a Himalayan cinnamon stick.

Ah-ha. Then that's it.

Eons ago, the Tibetan monks cross-pollinated

a rare herb with Himalayan cinnamon

and used it to drive the witches out of the Himalayas.

I didn't know there were any witches in the Himalayas.

There aren't. It worked.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, doctor, about the eight-hour deadline?

Never fear, Bombay is here.

I shall feed this information into my ultra-vascular

self-denominating powered trichroscope,

with, of course, the super-duper diagnostic predictor attachment.

[WARBLED NOTES BEING PLAYED]

Ah-ha!

BOMBAY: There is an antidote.

A simple potion.

You can pick it up from your apothecary.

We start with, uh, eye of condor,

powdered snakeskin,

fig newts.

Fig newts?

That's the way the cookie crumbles.

One pint of unicorn milk, non-fat.

And a toasted cheese sandwich on rye.

Toasted cheese?

That's for me. I'm starved.

Hagatha, have the apothecary fill out this prescription,

give it to Samantha, and she'll be as right as rain.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

I want to try out my new wrestling mat on my nurse.

It's the only one in the universe with "Welcome" on it.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Well, what are you waiting for?

Oh, I refuse to go near that dirty old druggist.

But Samantha, I'd be glad to zap you there.

Thanks a bunch.

Well, maybe my red stripes will turn him off.

Zap away.

[LIQUID BUBBLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, hi, cutie.

Say, them stripes,

mm, they really turn me on.

Well, I certainly called that one.

Uh, look, Mr. Druggist, I have a pres...

Please, don't call me that.

I'm apothecary to the entire cosmos.

Excuse me.

Look, Mr. Apothecary, I have a prescription...

Yeah, I started out to be a friendly neighborhood druggist,

but I couldn't find a friendly neighborhood.

I couldn't find a friendly neighborhood, you get it?

Oh, yes, I get it. And it's a howler.

But what I really came to get was this prescription filled.

Well, I got this one here ahead of you.

But this is an emergency.

Oh, well, maybe I can hurry things up,

if you're willing to consider this a friendly neighborhood.

Uh, not that friendly.

What are you brewing?

It's a love potion, cutie.

Care to share a jigger or two with me?

Oh, uh, no, thanks.

Now, you can have it straight or with a chaser.

What's the chaser?

You're looking at him, cutie.

[ ]

I need a little potion of my own,

on the rocks.

[GRUNTS]

I wish you'd watch where you're going.

I wish you'd watch where you're popping.

No need to get huffy.

I came back because my trusty computer

overlooked one ingredient.

But Sam's already gone to the apothecary.

No matter.

The apothecary does not carry the necessary ingredient.

Why? What is it?

The tail feather of a dodo bird.

A dodo bird? Why, they're extinct.

Not only that, there haven't been any around

for millions of years.

Well, then, how do you expect us

to get a dodo bird's tail feather?

How should I know? I'm a doctor, not a birdwatcher.

Though I will say, a bird in the hand

is worth two in the Australian bush.

[LAUGHS]

Take five.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You're too old for all this exercise.

I know, but even at my age...

I got you! Ah!

Even at my age,

you... You fill my veins with the hot blood of youth.

You fill my heart with desire,

you fill my brain with passion.

While you're filling up,

how about filling this prescription?

Oh, all right.

But first, how's about a little kiss?

How about a nice, friendly handshake?

What's come over this younger generation?

When I was a boy sorcerer,

all the witch chicks flocked around me.

Yeah, that was a long time ago.

I'll fill your prescription.

Yeah, when I was a kid...

"Toasted cheese on rye"?

Now, what's that supposed to cure?

Dr. Bombay. He's hungry.

Oh, I'm hungry too, but not for any toasted cheese.

You know what I mean?

Yes, I... I get your message,

but what I would really like is that prescription.

All right.

I got a special on the giant economy size

in case you ever get the same disease.

Bite your tongue.

Hm. Ugh.

How do I look?

Like a dream walking.

Are my stripes gone?

No.

Maybe you'd better pop me home.

I have a pooped popper.

One kiss, honeybun, and then I will.

Well, if that's the going price.

One smackeroo, that's the going price.

Okay.

Going, going...

Mwah.

Gone.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

They just can't keep their lips off of me.

[GIGGLES]

[GRUNTS]

Did you get the potion?

Yes, and it didn't work.

That's because Bombay left out one ingredient.

Oh, terrific.

I know I'll be sorry I asked, but which one?

The tail feather of a dodo bird.

I'm sorry I asked.

[MAGICAL CHIMES]

Sam!

Now what?

[GASPS]

Oh, my stars.

Where's Aunt Hagatha?

Upstairs, checking on Adam.

Sam, where are we gonna find the tail feather of a dodo bird?

Well, I don't know.

But I'll think of something.

[ ]

Aunt Hagatha,

I wish you'd talk to the Witches' Council

about replacing that quack.

I'll make a note.

Tail feather of a dodo bird. This is ridiculous.

Wait a minute. Maybe not.

Aunt Hagatha, for Tabitha's last birthday,

Mother gave her a cosmos coloring book.

Now, I think there's a picture of a dodo bird in it.

Why don't you pop upstairs and take a look?

And if there is, zap the bird out of the book.

Of course, Samantha.

What a shame.

What do you mean, "what a shame"?

Well, your Aunt Hagatha's gonna zap a dodo bird

out of Tabitha's cosmos coloring book

so we can get a tail feather

o get rid of your horizontal and vertical red stripes.

Why did you say, "what a shame"?

Well, that's a pretty wild trip.

It's kind of sad I'll never be able to tell anybody about it.

HAGATHA: Oh! Oh, oh! [BIRD SQUAWKING]

Get away from me, you dirty old bird!

Mr. Stephens, I suggest you get the tail feather yourself.

I'm not going near that dirty bird.

How am I supposed to get a tail feather out of that thing?

Well, I suppose a rear attack is in order.

That's the part you're after. Good luck.

[SQUAWKING]

Oh... Ooh, Sam!

Sam, you'd better get out of sight.

If anyone comes along, I might be able to explain the bird

but how would I explain you?

[ ]

Here, birdie. Here, birdie, birdie, birdie.

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

Will you come on down here, you rotten bird?

[CAR APPROACHING]

What's the matter?

[SQUAWKING]

What do you make of it?

I don't know.

Is it a bird?

Well, if it's a bird, it's the biggest bird I've ever seen.

Should we get out and investigate?

You get out and investigate, I'm not going anywhere near it.

Maybe we'd better call in.

Good suggestion.

This is Car 953. Car 953. Do you read me?

Come in, Car 953.

We're in front of a house on Morning Glory Circle

and we want to report a, um...

[BIRD SQUAWKING] ...uh...

Bad suggestion.

You describe it.

MAN [ON RADIO]: You want to report a what?

Uh, nothing. It's just something we thought we saw

that we realized we didn't see.

What?

Over and out. Let's go have a beer.

Good suggestion.

[ ]

[SQUAWKING]

DARRIN: Now, listen, you dumb dodo,

either you're coming down here or I'm coming up to get you.

[SQUAWKS]

Okay, if that's the way you want to play.

[SCREAMS]

I got it. I got it.

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Oh, yeah. In fact,

if I hadn't have grabbed that bird by the tail,

I would have fallen off that roof headfirst.

That dumb bird saved my life.

I knew there was something I didn't like about that bird.

Oh, Hagatha, will you just zap him back into the book?

HAGATHA: Thank you for your feather Dodo, dear.

Now, back to the book Get out of here.

Here's looking at you.

[COUGHS]

Dr. Bombay You're 0 for 2.

Appear at once Or you are through

I hope this is important.

I was engaged in a very crucial chess match.

That's what you wear to play chess?

It is when I'm tackling my nurse.

[CACKLES]

Samantha, you naughty little witch,

you haven't taken your potion.

Yes, I have. And I'm running out of patience.

You and me both.

Doctor, you're a disgrace to your profession.

What profession?

Well, if you're going to harass me, I'll leave.

Oh, now, now, wait a minute.

Lay off him, he's the only one we've got.

Thank you, Samantha.

I don't understand what could have gone wrong.

You followed my directions precisely?

Yes. That's probably what went wrong.

You've got the tail feather of a dodo bird?

Oh, yes. And I've got the scars to prove it.

And you followed my directions? You got the potion,

you put in the tail feather,

you mixed slowly so as not to bruise

the Himalayan cinnamon stick?

You didn't mention the Himalayan cinnamon stick.

Of course I did, it's the most important ingredient.

It's not only essential to the potion,

it provides the necessary antitoxin.

You did not say anything

about the Himalayan cinnamon stick!

I must have.

You didn't.

Do you have witnesses?

Yes.

In that case, it's obvious I didn't mention it.

And having done so, I shall leave.

[GASPS]

There goes one of the great quackpots of all time.

Speaking of time, how much time do we have left?

Well, he said we had eight hours,

so that leaves us about an hour.

And Ah Fong's is closed. I can't get ahold of Mr. Fong.

Sam, I may get arrested for what I'm about to do,

but I'm about to do it.

But what about bail?

Bail is set at $150. Pay the clerk.

It's cheap at twice the price.

I got it. I got it.

SAMANTHA: How did you manage?

How? Oh, it was easy.

I got arrested and posted $150 bail.

What? But it doesn't matter.

Let's see if it works this time.

Oh, well, okay. Okay.

Ew.

Excuse us, folks.

We would like to ask you some questions.

[ ]

[ ]

[ ]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, yes, officers?

What's wrong with your face, lady?

My husband wanted to see what I look like in stripes.

What can we do for you?

Well, we saw something on your roof earlier

and we'd like to ask you about it.

Oh?

Yes, it was, uh... Um...

Well, it was a pretty big, uh...

Tell them, Charlie.

Well, it was sort of a... Uh... Uh...

There hasn't been anyone on our roof since the TV repairman.

Oh.

Does he have feathers?

I don't know.

I haven't seen him in some time.

Well, what we thought we saw was a pretty strange...

Um, y... Uh...

Well, Fred here thought it was a bird.

What's so strange about seeing a bird on a roof?

Well, this was no ordinary bird.

No?

No. No, no, no.

It was more like a... Uh... Uh...

Tell them, Fred.

Well, it was a... It was a great, big bird.

How big?

Well, you may not believe this,

but it was almost as big as a... As a...

As what?

Tell them, Charlie.

Where'd your stripes go?

What stripes?

Now, you were saying, uh, the bird was as big as what?

Oh, nothing, nothing. No, uh...

Sorry to bother you.

We didn't see anything. Right, Fred?

Right, right. We're sorry for the intrusion.

[ ]

[SIGHS]

[ ]

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