Original subtitles

Hi.

This is Elizabeth Montgomery

inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.

[ ]

Good morning.

Morning, sweetheart.

Where are the kids?

Uh, Esmeralda took them to the park for the day.

Hm. Sam, you have finally achieved

the ultimate in housewifery.

I've fixed scrambled eggs before.

No, no, no. I mean volunteering for.

Mrs. Prescott's charity bazaar and fashion show.

Oh, that. Getting next to

the client's wife is very important in the business world.

I know, I just hope I have enough energy to make it.

I have an acute case of the blahs.

[GROANS]

You're not trying to back out, are you?

Well.

The power of positive thinking.

[SIGHS]

I feel wonderful.

In fact, I have never felt better.

[ ]

[GROANS]

Oh, dear.

[SIGHS]

Slow and steady wins the race.

Sam, if you're not kidding, say so.

So.

Well, what's wrong?

I don't know.

I felt it coming on last night.

It's as if I can't move my legs or my arms.

And it's getting worse.

Oh, dear.

See what I mean?

Well, maybe you better lie down

in the living room for a while.

Oh. Good idea.

Oh! Uh...

H...? How...? How about if you brought...?

Brought the couch in here?

Uh, well, here, I'll carry you in.

Oh, now, sweetheart, be careful.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

[ ]

[GRUNTING]

Sam. What happened?

You feel like you weigh a ton.

I don't know.

But I think I'd better call Dr. Bombay for some help.

The trouble is every time Dr. Bombay helps us,

we end up needing more help.

Help!

Dr. Bombay, help!

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[ ]

[ ]

Dr. Bombay.

Calling Dr. Bombay.

Emergency. Come right away.

I hope you realize you interrupted me

just as I was about to deliver quintuplets.

You dress like that for a maternity case?

What maternity case?

I was delivering them to my apartment

for a little nightcap.

[LAUGHS]

What seems to be the matter?

Try and lift me.

[ ]

[GRUNTS]

Those naughty quintuplets have sapped my strength.

Now give me a hand. There's a good fellow.

[ ]

[GROANING]

[ALL GRUNTING]

Are you getting the message?

Not yet.

[CREAKING]

Now I get it.

They don't build houses the way they used to.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, well.

Your floor needs a bit of strengthening.

Weebus warbus, tootle flick.

Shore this floor and do it quick.

There, now you have a proper floor.

Up she goes.

[ ]

[ALL GRUNTING]

It doesn't work.

Of course not. It needs a penny.

This is ridiculous.

Well, somebody has to pay

for our pension plan.

Sam,

you weigh over 500 pounds.

But, sweetheart, that's with all my clothes on.

Yeah, but 500 pounds?

I suggest she cut out starches.

I suggest you cut out the corny jokes.

What's wrong with her?

Actually, it has nothing to do with weight.

It has to do with the gravitational pull,

and it fluctuates with the tide.

It's a condition peculiar to witches and warlocks

known as gravititis inflamitis.

As you know Samantha,

a witch's normal response to the force of gravity

is simply to thumb her nose at it.

That's why witches are able to fly.

But, Samantha, living in this, uh,

stultified mortal atmosphere

has sublimated her natural instincts.

Would you care to repeat that?

Not particularly.

Dr. Bombay,

are you sure that's what this is?

Are you disputing the word of an expert?

Uh, no, but if-if you wouldn't mind

we would like another opinion.

[GRUNTS] Oh, very well, Samantha,

since it's you.

Meet Dr. Calm Pewter.

[LAUGHS] A little medical joke.

Very little.

Now, sit the patient down, Durbin.

Come on, Sam.

One in each hand.

[SIGHS]

[ELECTRONIC FLOURISH]

I'm feeding it the information it needs to know.

[BEEPING]

That should do it.

[DINGS]

What is it, what does it say?

Not a good day for romance.

Someone near you needs a haircut.

Lucky number: Seven.

[LAUGHS]

Hm. I'm merely trying to lighten the atmosphere.

Actually, it confirms

my original diagnosis,

gravititis inflamitis.

Well, what can you do about it? Fortunately, everything.

[ ]

There we are.

Martini mix, lime juice,

instant Manhattan.

Ah, here we are.

Little antidote, little incantation,

and you'll be as good as new.

You will drink while I incant.

Get ready, on your mark.

Go.

Ear of corn, tooth of comb.

Drive your healing powers home.

And with heart of artichoke,

make all this a passing joke.

It's done.

[COUGHS]

Feeling any better, my dear?

[ ]

Uh...

I think so.

I think I am.

I think I am.

I really think I am.

Forgive me for doubting you, Dr. Bombay.

You are indeed an expert.

Yes, well, all these exertions

have made me a little thirsty, so I...

I-I-I-I-I...

You quack.

You certainly know how to hurt an expert.

Well, what do we do now? I have a previous engagement

but I might suggest you take her out to the park

and fly her like a kite.

Dr. Bombay, I am not amused.

Dr. Bombay, do something.

I have already done something. I've cured you.

Not wisely, but too well.

Isn't there an antidote for the antidote?

I'll have the apothecary whip something up

but first I must call on my houseguests.

Uh, the quintuplets can wait.

But I can't.

Dr. Bombay, before you leave,

uh, won't you fix the floor?

I might have trouble with the carpenters' union.

We won't fink.

Well, in that case.

Thank you.

My pleasure. By your leave.

Sam, what are we gonna do...?

[SNEEZES]

No, Sam.

Well, the, uh,

first thing we should do

is call Mrs. Prescott

and tell her that I've come down...

Or up w-with something.

WOMAN: Yoo-Hoo. Yoo-Hoo.

Hello.

Ah, Mrs. Prescott.

Where are the curtains?

Cleaner's. Great.

Let's go.

Can't just stand here grinning at her.

Get me over to the door.

[ ]

[CHUCKLES] Hang on.

Hello. Hi, Mrs. Prescott.

[CHUCKLES] Well, what brings you here?

Oh, well, I've come to pick up Mrs. Stephens.

Aren't you a little early, Mrs. Prescott?

Oh, I know my business, Mrs. Stephens.

Volunteers have a habit

of going AWOL at the last minute.

That's why I never rely on chance

and I pick them up personally.

Now, on the double.

The other ladies are waiting in the station wagon.

[CAR HONKING] Coming, ladies.

[SNEEZES] We'll be right there.

Ah. Well, the fact is, Mrs. Prescott,

I'm afraid my wife can't make it just yet.

Oh.

Sweetheart? Mm?

Why...? Why don't you come with me?

DARRIN: Right.

Where she goes, I go.

SAMANTHA: He just loves bazaars.

And we just love being together.

But I thought you were playing golf with Mr. Prescott.

Well, I changed my mind.

Four hours on a golf course away from Sam

is more than I can stand. Oh...

How long have you two been married?

Not long enough.

Oh, you're a rare man, Mr. Stephens.

Well, I have a rare wife.

[SIGHS] Makes me want to cry.

Shall we go?

[SNEEZES]

Oh, I'm glad you got here on time, Roberta.

Are you sure you'll be comfortable here

with all these women, Mr. Stephens?

Hello, dear.

Oh, What women, Mrs. Prescott?

When I'm with my wife, there are no other women.

MRS. PRESCOTT: Oh, that's sheer poetry.

Now, here you are, Mrs. Stephens.

Now, my dear,

all the prices are clearly marked

and they've been discounted up to 70 percent

so there'll be no bargaining.

[SNEEZES]

[ ]

Mr. Stephens, really.

I can't help it. I really dig this chick.

[SIGHS]

Well, I'll be about my business.

The fashion show will begin in about half an hour.

Oh.

[PANTING]

[SNEEZES]

Darrin, are you taking something for that cold?

At a time like this

the common cold is hardly anything to worry about.

Only when you sneeze.

Uh,

hand me that bolt of material.

[ ]

[GRUNTS]

Well, that ought to keep me anchored.

Now, you grab a cab and go home.

See if Dr. Bombay's come up with that antidote.

Okay.

And do something about that cold.

[GROANS]

[ ]

[SIGHS]

[ ]

Oh, that looks lovely.

Oh, thank you.

I, uh, picked it up at a little boutique.

I mean the material you're holding in your lap.

Oh, that.

It's just an ugly old print.

Uh, may I see it?

[ ]

Uh, may I look at it more closely?

What for? You're not gonna buy it, it's a second.

It looks all right to me. I'll take it.

One yard?

The whole bolt.

What are you gonna do with a whole bolt

of this threadbare junk?

How much is it?

Well, uh.

It's... It's marked $50.

But to tell you the truth,

I'm so crazy about it I'm gonna buy it for 75.

I don't understand.

Madam, this is a charity affair,

and if I... Mrs. Prescott,

is this or is this not a legitimate sale?

Oh, of course it is, Mrs. Brock.

Then why are you resorting to shills

as though this were a Turkish bazaar?

I beg your pardon?

That bolt of material is clearly marked $50

and she's offering 75.

Now, is this a charity bazaar,

or is this an auction?

I... It's a charity bazaar auction.

I bid 75, do I hear 80?

Mrs. Stephens, please.

Okay.

Sold to the lady for $50.

Thank you.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

My dear, you must excuse her, she's new.

Uh, can I carry it to your car, Mrs. Brock?

That won't be necessary, I can manage.

[ ]

Where did she go?

[ ]

Oh, Mrs. Prescott, have you seen Samantha?

No one has.

She's disappeared into thin air.

These novice volunteers are always a problem.

Ah, would you excuse me please?

I must find someone to replace her at this booth.

Uh, uh...

[ ]

Sam.

Sam? Psst.

Where? Up here.

W...? How did you...?

How did you get up there?

You are kidding.

Sorry. Is Dr. Bombay back?

No.

I'll climb up and help you down.

[ ]

Helen, I do appreciate this.

I'm sure Mrs. Stephens will turn up...

Hello, there.

Turn up eventually, but I...

[ ]

Excuse me.

What are you two doing up in that tree?

We're bird watching.

There's some very rare birds up here.

I can see that.

Mrs. Stephens, will you please come down from there?

The fashion show starts in five minutes.

We can watch it from up here.

You are in it, Mrs. Stephens.

Can't you get somebody else?

Not for her costume.

Oh, you can both climb trees

after the fashion show.

Stephens? What the devil are you doing up there?

Well, Mr. Prescott,

fancy seeing you here.

Fancy seeing you there.

I was expecting you to pick me up

for our golf game.

An hour ago.

Oh, I'm sorry about that,

uh, something came up

and, uh, well, I forgot all about it.

How'd you like to forget about my account?

Ah, I wouldn't want to do that.

By the way, this is my wife.

Samantha, Mr. Prescott, the Shoe King.

How do you do?

Uh, we may be handling his advertising.

Oh.

If you're a typical.

McMann-Tate account executive,

I doubt it very much.

[ ]

There goes $200,000 in billings.

Not necessarily.

Help me down.

Sam, you can't be serious.

You're not thinking of trying to model?

Yes, and saving the account at the same time.

You're not only light on your feet,

you're light in the head.

I know what I'm doing.

Now help me down

and over to that dressing room and I'll explain.

[ ]

Okay, Sam, come on down.

Oh.

That's a pretty squirrelly couple.

It's called love, Wilbur.

Why is he holding her like that?

That is also called love, Wilbur.

[ ]

He's gonna help her dress?

Love, Wilbur.

Sick, Selma.

[DARRIN SNEEZES]

What's going on in there?

I'd rather not know.

And now from Madame Pergine.

"This smart Chinese red chiffon

"with accordion pleated sleeves and skirt,

"flattering wide belt, and the new mini length.

"An afternoon dress that can go on into evening

"by removing the scarf

and adding jewels and accessories."

You prefer this nonsense to a game of golf?

You're in for a big surprise, Mr. Prescott.

Actually, this is a dress rehearsal

of an advertising concept for Prescott Shoes.

Oh?

Sam's helping.

If it worked,

I was gonna spring it on you Monday.

But seeing that you're here.

Thanks to you.

Thank you, Mrs. Langley.

[APPLAUSE]

And now for the pi?ce de r?sistance

of the afternoon...

Um, Mrs. Prescott, is Samantha up next?

Y... Yes.

Well, then, do you mind

if I take over the description?

Mr. Stephens, you are hardly qualified.

Oh, no, Sam filled me in.

And it's a surprise for Mr. Prescott.

Very well.

[ ]

Ah, ladies and gentlemen

the highlight of the afternoon

is dedicated to the Prescott Shoe Company,

without whose generous support

this bazaar would not have come to being.

[ ]

[CLEARS THROAT]

"From the House of Lautrec, we present Pharaoh Land

"inspired by the slave girls of ancient Egypt.

"And notice how the slave girl walks,

"her feet hardly touching the ground.

"How does she carry that heavy brass urn

"from the well to her master's bath with such ease?

"Uh, the secret? Prescott Shoes.

"The message:

"No woman need be a slave to household drudgery

because with Prescott Shoes, you don't walk, you float."

[APPLAUSE]

You don't walk, you float.

You don't walk, you float.

Are you all right? Oh, fine.

Stephens, how'd you do it?

Invisible wires.

I didn't see any invisible wires.

[PANTING]

[SNEEZES]

If you saw them, they wouldn't be invisible.

[CHUCKLES]

You hang on to me.

This isn't gonna be easy,

but let's give it a try.

[ ]

Ouch.

Uh, Sam, do you mind?

Oh, of course not, sweetheart.

Oh.

[PANTING]

[SNEEZES]

Where is that quack Bombay?

One more libelous statement like that

and he won't be here.

What took you so long?

I never kiss and tell.

Dr. Bombay, do you have the antidote for the antidote?

Come and get it.

MR. PRESCOTT: Hello, there.

Bombay, do something.

I'll take care of it. Answer the door.

[GROANS]

[ ]

Did I see what I thought I saw?

She was floating four feet off the floor.

[CHUCKLES]

No, she was standing on a ladder

four feet off the floor.

Unhooking the invisible wires.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

That's all right, darling.

Oh, uh, Mr. Prescott, this is

our family doctor, Dr. Bombay.

Doctor, is that natural?

They've been at it all day.

Under the circumstances, absolutely essential.

Dr. Bombay, all this activity

is giving me a headache.

Is there something you could recommend?

I have just the thing for your condition.

[ ]

Thank you.

Uh, Stephens, I'm sorry about barging in like this

but I can't get that slogan out of my mind.

You know, "With Prescott Shoes,

you don't walk, you float."

Is it going away?

Will you listen to me, Stephens?

I, uh... I think you can let go of me now, sweetheart.

Let her go and listen to me.

[ ]

Sam, that's just great.

Can I fix you a drink, Mr. Prescott?

Yes, thank you.

And then let's talk shoes.

I want to see that floating bit again.

Oh, well, I'm sorry,

but I took the invisible wires off.

And put them on Dr. Bombay.

Oh, those naughty little quintuplets

have taken more out of me than I thought.

[LAUGHS]

Here goes.

Hah-hah.

We just wanted to test the invisible wires

to see if the campaign

for the men's shoes would work as well.

Incredible.

At least.

[ ]

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