Original subtitles

Hi. This is Elizabeth Montgomery,

inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.

[ ]

The Arc de Triomphe.

You know, we ought to send the kids

some picture postcards of the sights.

Good idea.

"Dear Tabitha and Adam..."

Sam, what are you doing?

Just what you suggested, sending some postcards.

I'd prefer you use the regular mail.

When you're a witch, that is the regular mail.

Yes, yes. It's a big doggy, isn't it?

It's a big doggy and house. That's right.

Oh!

Oh, how nice! Postcards from your mama. Come on.

SAMANTHA: Dear Tabitha and Adam,

we are now passing the Arc de Triomphe,

which is at the other end of the Champs Elys?es.

You children have a very thoughtful mama.

SAMANTHA: And here we are at Cleopatra's Needle.

That's a big needle. What does it sew?

SAMANTHA: This is the famous Louvre museum.

It was originally built almost 900 years ago. Imagine that.

I don't have to imagine it.

I was there when they laid the cornerstone.

SAMANTHA: In front of the Louvre

are the beautiful Luxembourg Gardens.

[MUSICAL CAR HORN]

That sounds like a visit from your grandpapa.

You children stay here and enjoy Mama's postcards.

Now, stay there.

[ ]

[MAN READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[ ]

[ ]

[ ]

How do you like it?

Love it.

Love Paris. Love you.

Oh, well, stay a while.

I can't.

I've got to run down to the printer's

and pick up some artwork.

I'm meeting with the Europa Tour people this afternoon.

I promised Larry I'd make a stab at getting the account. Bye.

Darrin? Hm?

Uh, I was thinking again about, uh...

visiting Daddy.

Shouldn't we stop off and see him in London?

Sure. When we go back to London, we'll stop off to see him.

Well, it's only 45 minutes by plane.

Now, honey, you know I've got business here in Paris.

Your father will just have to wait till we get around to him.

Bye.

[ ]

ENDORA: Or until he gets around to you.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Don't worry. Esmeralda is with the children.

This is a red alert.

Your father popped in back home to see you.

Uh-oh. He knows we're in Europe. How did he take it?

Oh, he was very calm.

The way Vesuvius was calm

just before it erupted and buried Pompeii.

Oh.

Well, this is part work and part vacation for Darrin.

Now, Daddy will just have to be understanding and reasonable.

I've heard your father called many things,

but "understanding" and "reasonable"

were not among them.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[ ]

Here he comes.

And he looks mad.

Well, Daddy always was one for dramatic entrances.

Endora. Pretty fast for a witch of your vintage.

I caught a tailwind.

Well, I'd appreciate it if you caught a tailwind out of here.

No, a mother's place is by her child.

How are you, Daddy?

In excellent health, thank you.

Of course. He wouldn't have it any other way.

Certainly not.

Let's not pretend you don't know why I'm here.

Uh, look, Daddy.

I want you to know that Darrin and I had every intention of...

MAURICE: Silence.

I'm not blaming you.

On the way over, I had time to think.

You are innocent.

It's that mortal you're married to who is guilty.

He is the worm in the apple of my eye.

That worm...

That man happens to be my husband.

And he's kind, and he's sweet, and he's gentle.

MAURICE: Ha!

Gentle.

The gentle mind by gentle deeds is known.

For a man by nothing is so well betrayed

as by his manners.

Who'd you crib that one from?

Silence! I am rolling.

[ ]

Hath not a father eyes?

Hath not a father hands, organs, dimensions,

senses, affections, passions?

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us, do we not laugh?

If you poison us, do we not die?

And if you wrong us,

shall we not revenge?

[MAURICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Don't worry. It's a dummy Darwin.

Not too different from the real thing.

Farewell!

Bravo, Maurice!

Thank you.

Maurice, is that you?

Maurice, you look marvelous.

Naturally.

Have you any final words to say before I zap you into outer...

Darrin, Daddy is very angry with you.

And he has every right to be.

We should have at least called him in London,

but, well, that would have given away our little surprise.

And we wouldn't want to do that, would we, sweetheart?

Uh, no, no, we wouldn't want to do that.

DARRIN: Actually, we should've called you while in London.

To pay our heartfelt respects.

But, now, we weren't about to come empty-handed.

And to buy a gift for someone

with your exquisite sense of beauty takes time.

And Pablo doesn't work fast.

Pablo?

Pablo. Picasso?

[ ]

Oh, what a remarkable likeness.

Yes, Daddy.

Mr. Picasso really caught the strength of character

in your face.

Do you really think so?

Yes, I suppose he has.

SAMANTHA: And the look of forgiveness in the eyes.

In those eyes perhaps, not in these.

Maurice, why can't you be gracious

and just say thank you for the gift?

It's very hard to be gracious

when you've worked yourself into a rage.

Frankly, I would rather face your anger

than receive a compliment from the Queen herself,

because an angry word from you

is a far greater compliment than...

Go on. Go on.

I can't. I might sound insincere.

Nonsense. The truth never sounds insincere.

I think it would look fantastic over the mantelpiece.

I ordered a halo, but Pablo must have forgotten.

Let's not overdo.

The painting is flattering enough.

Yes, a little too flattering for my taste.

Eh, Dustin, go into the other room.

I want to have a little heart-to-heart talk with you.

I am honored, sir.

Daddy, what are you going to do?

Do you know? He's changed.

For the better, I hope.

In some ways, yes.

For instance, he has a keener appreciation of me.

Yet, somehow I feel I've broken the poor chap's spirit.

Oh, well, don't worry about that.

He's very pliable.

Almost too pliable. He needs straightening out.

[ ]

How long are you going to keep this up, Mother?

For as long as Maurice remains in residence.

Pull up a chair, lad.

Oh, yes, sir.

It's all very well to appreciate your betters,

but you mustn't tear yourself down in the process.

You have some redeeming features,

no matter how miniscule.

I take that as a tremendous compliment, sir.

It is not a tremendous compliment.

As a matter of fact, it's very close to being an insult.

Oh. Forgive me if I insulted you, sir.

You did not insult me. I insulted you.

Oh. Thank you.

[ ]

You're overdoing it.

Well, I'll try and turn the robot down a bit.

Endora?

What is she doing here?

Mother just had to stop off at her dressmaker's,

but don't worry about the children.

Esmeralda's filling in.

Why is she keeping her eyes closed?

Why not? I've seen Paris.

Why don't you fix yourself a drink?

Is that gonna help?

Let me put it this way. It'll help you not care.

Experience tells me it's time for a drink.

[WHISPERING] One of them has got to go.

[WHISPERING] Get rid of yours. Yours is easier.

All right.

What are you two whispering about?

[ ]

Sweetheart, please, I... I need your help.

For what?

You've got to help me get rid of you.

What?

In spite of the fact that you have...

[HICCUPPING]

Now the boy needs burping.

I'll get a glass of water.

Now, sweetheart, just trust me.

When you see Daddy, don't act surprised.

Just be nice and go along with everything he says.

Dustin?

Ah, there you are, my boy.

Yes. Uh, here I am.

I see you needed something stronger than water.

Uh, yeah, I usually do in these kind of situations.

He has a headache.

Headaches give him a terrible thirst.

Oh, yeah. Er, terrible thirst.

Feeling a bit better?

Mm-hm.

Uh, how about you?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I mean, uh,

you look as though you're in good shape.

I am in no better or worse shape than I was when I first arrived.

Strange that you should comment on that again.

Oh, Maurice, leave him alone.

He forgot.

So...

Uh, been in Paris for long?

Methinks something is rotten in the state of Paris.

This is no time for...

DARRIN: This is no time for double-talk.

Now, then, let's sort some things out.

When did you get here, Maurice?

When did I get here?

Have I heard correctly?

No. No, what he actually meant...

Silence.

When did you get here?

DARRIN: Two minutes ago, from a business meeting

with the president of Europa Tours.

He was going to drop by here in a little while.

Two minutes ago? Endora, can you explain?

I refuse to answer

on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

It was just an innocent, little practical joke, Daddy.

I'll do the jokes around here, young lady.

Look, I don't know what's going on, and, frankly, I don't care.

I am here on business, and in-between,

Sam and I are trying to see the sights of Paris.

Alone.

Oh.

So you want to see the sights of Paris? Alone.

Well, so be it.

No!

Oh! Oh, Daddy!

What did you do with him?

He's seeing the sights of Paris.

Huh?

Would you like to see him seeing Paris?

[ ]

[GASPS]

Oh, my stars!

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

[ ]

Endora, I'm really disappointed in you.

If you wanted to counterfeit the chap,

I should've expected a little more subtlety.

It was subtle enough to fool you.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I saw through him at once.

I was merely toying with him.

Why don't you go away

and toy with someone your own size?

No. No, I'm going to stay right here until they get back.

I want to have one final word with Dobbin.

[ ]

Easy, sweetheart.

Well. Daddy, I thought you would have been gone by now.

Of course.

I only stayed to give Dobbin the opportunity to apologize.

Wha...?

You expect me to apologize to you?

For what?

What's the difference? Apologize.

No, I am sick and tired

of being the source of your father's warped sense of humor.

Darrin!

Maurice, you have turned me into a monkey,

a donkey, a raven and a pair of old galoshes.

And why?

Because, in some ways,

I don't measure up to your idea of a son-in-law.

Well, let me tell you something, Maurice.

You leave a lot to be desired as a father-in-law.

I'm glad you said that, Dustin.

Darrin.

I stand corrected. Sorry.

Dustin, what you have just said so eloquently

convinces me that you're not entirely lacking in character.

I like that in a chap.

Maurice, watch your temper.

It also shows spunk.

I like that too.

Another necessary quality, however, is discretion.

The ability to restrain oneself

from committing insult totally and beyond recall.

Although I appreciate a mortal who speaks his own mind,

it is the height of insolence to speak it to me.

Daddy, we'll be thrown out of the hotel.

When I have finished, there may not be a hotel.

Very good, Endora. What have you done with him?

None of your business. Endora!

Perhaps you frighten Samantha,

but you certainly don't frighten me.

I'll find him.

[ ]

Mon g?n?ral.

Ohhh!

You sneak. You really did it this time.

Daddy, how could you?

Well, it does seem rather a shame.

He was beginning to shape up.

You put him back the way you found him,

or I'll never speak to you again.

Temper, temper.

She inherits that from you, poor child.

Oh, perhaps I was a little harsh.

Arise, thou miserable mortal!

Never mind the editorial comments.

Arise!

Oh, come on, sweetheart. You can do it.

[ ]

Woe is me. I gave him a powerful blast.

I don't think I'm strong enough at the moment to bring him back.

You bring him back now!

You're a hard girl, Samantha.

Stand back.

'Tis is a far, far better thing I do

than I have ever done before.

Oh, stop hamming it up and get to it.

Oh, very well.

The spell of spells.

The incantation of incantations.

Gaze upon this creature frightening.

Rise, thou mortal who doth quiver!

That's an order.

Now, deliver!

I tried. I tried. Devil knows I tried.

Well, at least, I've got this thought to comfort me:

'Tis better to have tried and lost

than never to have tried at all.

That doesn't comfort me one bit.

He's done his best.

I don't believe it. I don't think he really...

ENDORA: Samantha, you show a shocking lack of faith

in your progenitor's word. He's done his best.

Now, you've just been running around too much,

and your powers have waned.

You see, dear, Mummy understands.

So, as a wife,

my duty is to move back in with you

and nurse you back to full health.

Move back in with me? Oh, no, no.

No, no. No, I couldn't let you make that kind of sacrifice.

I shall try to summon the last bit of strength that I have.

Pull yourself together, man.

[ ]

Oh, sweetheart, are you all right?

Of course.

I always get blown up this time of day.

Darrin.

Mmm.

Daddy didn't want to leave before he apologized to you.

Go ahead, Maurice.

Oh, very well. Dustin, I apologize

that your abominable behavior has so exhausted my patience

that I was goaded into a slight transgression.

That's an apology?

For Daddy, it is.

Now, isn't this nice?

We're one big happy family.

Ha!

Omit the "happy," and you're near the mark.

[ ]

[ ]

[ ]

I remember saying to Oscar Wilde once, and he quoted me well,

that children begin by loving their parents.

After a time, they judge them.

Rarely ever do they forgive them.

I forgive you, Daddy.

Good. I feel my appetite returning.

How about dinner over at Maxim's?

Lovely. Terrific!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[ ]

Who is it?

MAN Monsieur Sagan.

Oh, it's Sagan of Europa Tours. I forgot all about him.

I wonder why.

Monsieur Sagan, what a pleasant surprise.

I'd like you to meet my wife, Samantha.

Bonsoir, monsieur. And my parents.

[BOTH SPEAK FRENCH]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[ ]

Are they going to discuss business before dinner?

Barbaric, but it's the mortal way.

Monsieur Stephens, how could you do it?

What did I do?

Oh, brother.

How can I entrust Europa Tours

to a company whose executive would do a thing like this?

The top of the Eiffel Tower. Why?

That's a very good question.

Uh-huh, and unless you can give a very good answer,

our relationship is at an end.

Let me look at that.

Perhaps I can be of some help.

Eh, that's not necessary, Daddy.

Yes, it is. I'm starved.

Bully for you, boy. It's a splendid notion.

It is? Oh, now, don't be modest.

Wasn't exactly my idea.

Always give credit where credit is due.

I like that in you, boy.

Actually, we collaborated on it.

But examine this carefully, Monsieur Sagan.

A tourist clinging to the top of the Eiffel Tower

and underneath, the slogan,

"Europa Tours: Towers above them all."

I like it. It shows great imagination.

Well, that's what McMahon and Tate is noted for. Imagination.

And no fear of height.

And now, Monsieur Sagan, if you'll excuse us,

we must get ready for dinner.

Yes, yes, of course.

You will drop by the office tomorrow to sign the contracts.

Fantastic slogan.

Pardon. Au rev...

[ ]

I don't believe it.

What's not to believe? We always dress for dinner.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

[ ]

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