Original subtitles

- Serena! - I might've known.

Who were you expecting, Steve McQueen?

What is the big idea?

I just came by to ask you to take a ride on my new bike. Isn't it the end?

No, but you are. Do you realize it's 3:00 in the morning?

Sure, that's the ideal time to go out on the road and open her up.

It's also the ideal time to sleep.

Well, if you're going to get huffy about it...

Nice seeing you, Serena. Sorry you have to rush off.

- Who said I was leaving? - Who said you were staying?

Cousin, you're not being very gracious.

Compared to the way I feel, she is!

Just for that, I'm going to stay for breakfast, lunch and dinner...

...dull as that will be. - Oh, no, you won't!

Sweetheart, why don't you go back to bed and let me...?

No, let me.

It just so happens we're having a dinner party tonight...

...for a very important client, and our plans don't include you.

You'd be bored to tears.

I can always provide my own entertainment, you know.

I know. That's why you're not invited.

- Not that you're not welcome. - Good night, Serena.

- See you around. - Yeah!

Around dinnertime, that is.

Wait a minute!

Well, guess who's coming to dinner.

- Meet with your approval? - Very nice, Sam.

No sign of Serena yet.

Let's keep our fingers crossed. Maybe she'll forget about it.

Yeah, and maybe Macy's will tell Gimbel's.

- That the good china? - It's the only china.

Oh, yes, of course.

The flowers look nice, Sam.

They're daisies. Didn't they have roses?

Darrin, you're acting as if the queen of England is coming for dinner.

Believe me, the queen of England is a lot more democratic...

...than Clio Vanita, and not as rich.

You've heard of the Seven Hills of Rome? She owns three of them.

Well, I guess it pays to be a little old winemaker.

"Vino Vanita, the true gold of Rome."

Hey, that's a good slogan. Is it yours?

Yeah, and I hope Clio agrees with you. She's tough to please.

They're here! Did you fill the ice bucket? What about the canapés?

- Darrin, will you please relax? - Come on, come on.

Oh, my.

Smile.

- Hi, kids. I hope we're not late. - Hi, Samantha, Darrin.

- Samantha, may I present Clio Vanita. - Darling.

Naughty boy. Did you not promise to take me to lunch, eh?

- And yet you never called. - Well, I...

And this is the dear little wife of whom you've spoken.

Charming. Charming.

May I take your coat?

My, what beautiful chinchilla.

Yes, but it is becoming so popular, I think I must give it away.

It's a shame you can't give it back to the chinchillas.

What a dear little house.

You must show it to me, caro mio.

- Well, she certainly has style. - Oh, is that what you call it?

That's what I call it in mixed company.

I love what you have done to your house.

It is so intima, cosy, so incantevole, enchanting.

Well, we find it comoda, comfortable.

Hey! What does a guy have to do to get a drink around here?

Sorry. What'll you have? The usual?

That's right. Vino Vanita, my favourite.

How about you, Louise?

- Oh, I'll have a... - She'll have the same, won't you, dear?

- Clio? - For me, a martini, very dry.

And when you stir it, don't use a spoon.

The metal spoils the taste.

Just use your so-charming little finger.

Say, isn't that interesting?

On second thought, I think I'll try a martini without a spoon.

- Me too. - Excuse me.

- I'll be right back. - I'll help you, sweetheart.

Won't you sit down?

Wow, she's gotta be kidding.

Now, honey, just keep remembering, we need her goodwill.

What a snob.

"When you stir my martini, use only your so-charming little finger."

Personally, I think she should see a plastic surgeon.

What for?

To have her nose lowered.

I don't know whether I've told you this, but I get more personal satisfaction...

...out of working on the Vino Vanita account than any of the others.

I mentioned it to my wife just the other day.

- Isn't that right, dear? - Oh, yes, we serve it all the time.

Speaking of that, you old, grey fox...

...what have you been doing to earn all the money I pay you?

Clio, I don't know where to begin.

You did receive the copy on the 12 ads we're running...

...in Connoisseur magazine?

Last month.

And what about that slogan you promised me, eh?

The one you said that would capture the imagination...

...and sweep the country.

We've got a little surprise for you. We've come up with a beaut.

Really? What is it?

I'd rather let Darrin spring it... Tell you about it.

At least we have one thing to be thankful for.

Serena hasn't shown up.

I don't know why you're so worried about her.

Compared to that Italian vulture, Serena's Chicken Delight.

Sweetheart, you take the drinks out. I wanna check the squab.

- But don't you...? - No, no. Now, hurry, hurry.

- Our guests must be dying of thirst. - All right, all right.

Well, I'm glad to know I'm not late for dinner.

Serena, you know how fond I am of you...

But?

Well, it's just that it's a very complicated evening.

You're perfectly welcome to stay, as long as you keep out of sight.

Gee, I didn't know you were that fond of me.

Go ahead, tell her the slogan we came up with.

Now?

Wouldn't it be more appropriate after a drink or two?

Why mix drinking and pleasure? I mean...

Don't be so modest, carissimo. I insist on hearing it.

Okay.

Picture a scene, something like this one:

Men and women, well-groomed, beautiful.

They lift their glasses in a toast...

...and they say, "Vino Vanita...

...the true gold of Rome."

Well, so much for our number two choice.

Now give her number one.

That one's not quite ready yet, Larry.

But he'll come up with it, and it'll be a lulu.

You don't have to sell me on this charming man.

He's an absolute genius, I know.

And someday I'm going to steal him from your organization.

If you don't watch out, cousin...

...she's going to steal him from your organization.

That's ridiculous.

I think.

Rio de Janeiro was meraviglioso, marvellous.

Molto divertente, diverting, especially the Brazilian men.

Oh, I'm surprised to hear you say that.

Everyone says the Italian men are so attractive.

- To this I say ridicolo, ridiculous. - Me too.

To me, the most charming, the most handsome...

...are your American men.

Well, that may be, but...

Just remember, they're our American men.

Just a little joke.

An American joke. It loses something in the translation.

Yes.

Would anyone care for some more dessert?

Signorina, you haven't even touched yours.

I do not dare. Always I must watch my weight.

Is that right? You know, personally, I think you have a terrific figure.

For a woman your age.

Naturally, what I meant was...

...no one would ever dream that you had a problem with weight.

Terrible. You do not know how lucky you are.

You do not have to fight the calories.

Oh, I pretty much eat what I want.

That is right. When you are married, you can let yourself go to pieces, no?

I say, let's adjourn to the living room.

I am dying to see that funny little house you have in the garden.

- Will you show it to me? - The gazebo? Well, sure.

You don't mind if I borrow your husband for a while?

Of course not.

As long as you remember where you got the loan.

Your wife has quite a sense of humour, hasn't she?

Oh, yes. That's what keeps me going.

We'll be laughing all the way to the bankruptcy.

- May I help you, Samantha? - No, no, Louise.

You go keep Larry company. I'll be in in a minute.

All right.

Serena, one of these days, you're gonna go too far...

...and I hope you stay there.

Well, someone had to uphold the family honour.

And if I were you, I'd pop out to the patio...

...and keep an eye on Madame Flutterby.

Serena, can't you understand?

She's no threat to me, but you're another matter.

It reminds me so much of my own garden...

...on my estate just outside of Napoli. - That's nice.

You know, it is surrounded by a gigantic forest.

They say it is populated by fate...

...what you call elves.

Now, don't tell me...

...a sophisticated woman like you believes in elves.

Well, fate is so similar to our word for fate.

Surely you believe in that, huh?

Fate? Oh, yes.

That's what I'm worried about right now, my fate.

Clio, please. Somebody might come out here...

...like my wife.

Your wife.

I admire so much the loyalty in the male.

Clio, cut it out.

You Americani are so provinciale, provincial.

Or is it that you do not find me attractive?

Oh, no. I find you very "attractivo"...Attractive.

Well, then...

Please.

I'm beginning to think you do not want my account any longer.

Maybe I should look for another agenzia, eh?

Clio, don't be silly. We love your account.

How much do you love it?

Then show it.

- How? - Come to Rome with me.

What for? Don't answer that.

Well, you know, we could visit the Vanita vineyards...

...and it would inspire you to write the correct slogan, no?

Now, wait a minute, Clio. Be sensible.

I don't have to go to Rome to think up a good slogan.

Apparently you do.

Okay, so you didn't care for what I came up with.

I can come up with another.

Then you'd better come up with it by domani, tomorrow...

...because I have just decided, after the meeting, I am leaving.

If you think you can find a suitable slogan, bene, okay.

If not, you can say arrivederci to my account.

- What? - Or you can come back...

...to Rome with me. Now, what do you say?

Clio, I have something to tell you.

I am very much in love with my wife, and my wife is in love with me.

- How nice. Kiss me. - I'll be right back.

I think I need another glass of Vanita wine.

I'll come with you, caro.

Oh, no, you don't.

No one is going to make a monkey out of my cousin.

In fact, I think my cousin's cousin is going to make a monkey out of you.

- What do you mean? - Just what I said.

- I want off the Vanita account. - Why?

That woman is something else. She wants me to go to Rome with her.

- No! - Yes!

You lucky dog.

She says if I come up with a slogan she likes before she leaves, okay.

If not, either I go with her, or we lose the account.

Did you ever hear of such high-handed tactics?

Never. Is your passport in good order?

- Larry, I'm not going to Rome! - Let me put it this way:

If we get knocked out of the ball game, you're benched, permanently.

Larry, that's pretty narrow-minded. If you...

Oh, hi, Sam.

Louise is checking with the babysitter to see if she can stay later.

- Good. - Fine.

- Anything wrong? - Oh, no, no, no.

Larry and I were just discussing baseball.

I was just observing how short-lived a player's life can be.

- Where's Miss Vanita? - Oh, I left her on the patio.

Alone? Darrin, where are your manners?

Excuse me.

Serena, what are you doing out here?

Good deeds for you, coz.

Look, Larry, maybe I can come up with a slogan...

...that'll make her happy by the time we meet tomorrow.

You'd better, or it's arrivederci, America, hello, Roma.

- Where's Miss Vanita? - Right up there.

What?

Serena, you didn't!

You did!

Serena, you change her back right now.

Before you flip your gourd, coz, let me tell you what she did.

Are you out of your mind?

I don't care what she did. You change her back.

You mean, you don't care if she takes Darrin to Rome?

Serena, I am going to count to three, and then I... Rome?

Sam? Honey?

Serena.

Sam, Larry and Louise wanna...

Hey. Where did this come from?

Must've climbed over the wall, I guess.

Probably belongs to a neighbour.

Hey. It sure is an affectionate little thing, isn't he?

She. Darrin, there's something I have to tell you.

Can it wait? Larry and Louise have to go.

Well, yeah. What I wanna tell you is...

We're ready to go. Have you seen Clio?

Well, she had a terrible headache, and so I told her to lie down in the den.

- Darrin'll drive her home. - Oh, that's too bad.

- Where did you get the monkey? - She must've come over the fence.

I'll take her.

Kind of vicious, isn't it?

- Good boy. - What are you talking about?

That headache routine. Very clever.

When you take her home, you can mend your bridges, right?

- Larry... - I knew you wouldn't let me down.

- Well, good night, Samantha. - Good night, Louise.

And tell Clio we're sorry about her headache.

- We'll see ourselves out. - Night, Larry.

Night.

When did Clio go into the den? I didn't see her.

Well, to tell you the truth, Darrin...

...she kind of left.

I'm not surprised. She was a little upset.

I guess I said something to offend her.

It sounds like he's trying to tell us something.

She. Sweetheart, I think you ought to tie her up on the patio until morning.

Okay. Come on there, you cute little thing.

We'll make you comfortable outside.

First thing tomorrow, we'll find out who you belong to. Come on.

- Is that cute? - I'd put it another way.

Okay, out!

Sam, you'll hurt her feelings.

If she doesn't get out of there right now...

...I'll hurt more than her feelings.

I'm surprised at you.

Now, come on. Come on. Upsy-daisy.

There. You see? You just have to know how to talk to her.

Maybe we ought to let her stay right here.

Nothing doing. I mean, she'll just keep chattering all night.

Eventually she'll settle down and go to sleep.

No, she won't.

- It'll calm her down. - It'll keep me awake.

Don't be silly.

As a matter of fact, I can make a nice little bed for her...

...right here in one of these drawers.

Don't you dare. I don't want her in this room.

I don't even want her in this house.

- So, please, get her out of here. - What is the matter with you?

I've never heard you carry on like this.

Is there something you're not telling me?

Where did that monkey come from?

- You invited her. - What?

Darrin.

- That's not a monkey. - It's not?

No.

That lovable little creature is...

...Miss Vanita.

- You're joking. - No.

You took a live client...

...and turned her into a monkey? - No.

- You are joking? - No.

You're trying to drive me out of my mind?

I mean that...

...that is Miss Vanita, but I didn't do it.

Serena did it.

You see, she thought Clio was...

...in her own words, making a monkey out of me.

So she decided to make a monkey out of her.

You must admit, it does show imagination.

Sam!

That little minx. When I get my hands on her, I'll...

You'll what?

Change her back, and then get out of my life forever!

- Darrin. - Did you hear me?

I heard the last part...

...and I'll be happy to cooperate.

See you around, coz.

Darrin, forgive me, but that was a dumb thing to say.

What did I say?

Serena, come back.

It's no use. You insulted her. You told her to stay out of your life.

But I was only joking, in a way.

The way you were joking, I'm afraid she took you seriously.

And she's the only one who can change Miss Vanita back.

Serena, after all these years...

...this is no time to start taking me seriously!

I've sent emergency calls out everywhere. No response.

Serena's just being stubborn.

Sam, what are we going to do?

That monkey has to be at a meeting at 11:00 tomorrow.

Well, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to bed.

And if you were smart, you'd do the same thing.

Go to bed? And sleep? How?

How do I do that with this monkey on my mind?

Better than having a monkey on your back.

We'll just have to wait until Serena cools off...

...if she ever does.

Let's just hope she comes back someday.

Someday?

If I don't bring her a suitable slogan by 11:00 tomorrow...

...we're going to get fired off this account.

Darrin, that's silly. How can a monkey fire you?

It's all right. I'm just going out of my mind.

You'll feel better after you've had some sleep.

I seriously doubt it, but I might as well try.

- What are you doing? - Getting undressed.

Not in front of her, you're not.

I am going to take Miss Vanita downstairs...

...and tie her up on the patio.

That's better.

Don't miss part two of "Cousin Serena Strik es Again"...

...next week.

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