Original subtitles

-Sam? -Yes, sweetheart.

Please hurry, will you, honey? This client doesn't fool around.

-I wanna be on time. -I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying.

-You almost ready? -Almost, sweetheart.

Are you kidding?

You're closer to going to sleep than you are to being ready.

Oh, Darrin, when a man lets his wife know at the last minute...

...they're going to a party for a business associate...

...that man has no right to be annoyed.

Let's not discuss the rights of man. Let's just step on it.

On an hour's notice, I had to contact Mother to babysit.

She was late, I had to feed Tabatha, I had to press my dress and set my hair.

At least you didn't have to tote that barge and lift that bale.

So count your blessings. I'm gonna pull the car out.

Don't strain yourself.

So much for the second floor.

Would you like a cosy attic...

...or a sun deck?

A sun deck.

That's the way I would've designed it.

You have superb taste. Now, come on.

May I talk to the architect for a moment?

How many times do I have to tell you...

...no you-know-what in front of Tabatha?

If you're going to ask me to babysit at the last minute...

...it's going to be on my terms.

Oh, no it won't.

You know perfectly well that you-know-what...

...is forbidden around here, and as head of this household...

...I absolutely will not tolerate it.

-Tyrant. -Witch.

Oh, my brush. Where did I put my brush?

Sam, please, we're late.

-How long have you been there? -Long enough.

I don't know why I bothered pulling the car out.

Why don't we use your broom?

Darrin.

Everybody driving on this road tonight...

...managed to get here without witchcraft.

I know that, Darrin.

Everybody at the dinner tonight managed to dress without witchcraft.

That's true.

And all we poor mortals...

...manage to get through every day of our lives without witchcraft.

-I know. I know, but-- -No buts.

When we got married, you promised to love, honour...

...and no witchcraft.

Well, I knew you didn't wanna be late...

...and so I just speeded things up a little.

-I was hurrying for you. -For me?

Well, from now on, kindly remember...

...I don't need you to use your witchcraft...

...I don't want you to use witchcraft...

...under any circumstances. I don't want you--

Flat tire.

Must've picked up a nail.

Guess so.

Good thing I wasn't going fast.

Well, I'd better go out and fix it.

Fine.

Boy, it sure is raining out there.

Pouring.

I sure would love to know how I'm gonna change that tire in this rain.

Any suggestions?

Just like everybody else...

...with a jack.

That's cute, honey.

You know...

...this is what I would call a very unusual emergency.

And under the circumstances, I wouldn't object to you using a little--

No. Oh, no.

No, no. You were right.

Everybody manages to get through...

...every day of his life without witchcraft.

-Well, that's true. -And everybody...

...on this road tonight got here without witchcraft.

-That's right. -And everybody...

...who gets a flat tire on this road tonight...

...is going to change it without witchcraft.

So far be it from me under any circumstances--

Okay, okay. Forget it.

I'll do it myself.

Thank you.

No, thanks. I'm fine.

Tate, I'm leaving my old advertising agency for only one reason.

-You know what that is? -No, but I'd love to.

Too much talk, not enough action.

Good reason. I couldn't think of a better one.

I hear Stephens gives you as much action as you get...

-...in the business. -Oh, he does. He does.

Then, where is he? He's a half-hour late and I'm starving.

Mr. and Mrs. Stephens.

Hi, Larry, Louise, Mr. and Mrs. Sharpe.

Darrin, what are you doing in a wet tuxedo?

-Freezing. -You see, we had this flat tire--

Well, that's the sort of thing that can't be helped.

Oh, it could've been helped, all right.

Dwight, Mr. Stephens can't just stand around like that.

No, he can't. He's dripping all over our rug.

Come on, Stephens.

Let's see if we can't find you some clothes to change into.

And there I stood, looking like Smokey the Bear.

Oh, that's very amusing, Mr. Sharpe.

Then I remember Gwen and I went fishing...

...on Lake Athabasca up in Canada.

Beautiful spot. Very romantic.

Dwight, I was never on Lake Athabasca in my life.

What's keeping your husband? I laid out a complete change for him.

Well, he's usually a very fast dresser.

-Perhaps I should go up and-- -Why go up? Here I am.

I'm glad I'm not as tall as you. I'd look ridiculous in my clothes.

Sam, maybe we'd better make it another night.

Nonsense. If you go home now, you'll miss the rest of Dwight's story.

-What story? -The one about the trip...

...to Lake Athabasca...

...that I didn't go on.

Darrin, I never noticed before, but you've got a great pair of legs there.

Stephens, where's your sense of humour?

I left it out in the rain.

A laughingstock.

An absolute laughingstock. This evening was a fiasco.

Well, calling Mr. Sharpe "Shorty" didn't help.

He deserved it.

Well, of course he did. If he'd had the good sense...

...to be a few inches taller, none of this ever would've happened.

That's right, make jokes.

Well, you do look funny in that little suit.

A tall man in a small suit is classically funny.

It's been funny for centuries.

And you ought to know.

Are you making allusions to my age?

If the allusion fits, wear it.

You are one step away...

...from making Custer's Last Stand look like a love-in.

It's your fault. If you'd fixed that tire in the first place--

Let's not go into that again.

Why not go into it again? It's the root of the whole problem.

To twitch or not to twitch: That is the question

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows...

-...of outrageous-- -That's right...

...borrow from Shakespeare.

You probably knew him personally.

There you go again. Hinting about my age.

Well, it just so happens that Shakespeare...

...was more of a gentleman than you've been tonight.

For that matter, so was Blue Beard.

And just how well did you know Blue Beard?

Not as well as I knew Henry VIII.

Sam?

-Sam, where are you? -I'm in the closet.

Listen to me. Don't do anything you may regret later on.

Sam, where do you think you're going?

-Bowling. -That's not funny...

...and you're not leaving this house.

Tabatha and I are going home to Mother.

Just where does a witch go when she goes home to Mother?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

Sam.

Sam, you're my wife and I demand that you appear before me!

Oh, Sam.

Sam?

Good morning, Betty.

Good morning, Mr. Stephens.

-Have there been any calls for me? -No, there haven't.

You sure there hasn't been a call from my wife?

I'm sorry, Mr. Stephens, but nobody called.

It's only 9:30.

Right.

Oh, Darrin...

...I'd like to see you for a moment. These go right out, Betty.

Darrin, your behaviour last night was inexcusable.

Please, Larry, let's not go over that again.

Again? This is the first chance I've had to mention it.

Dwight Sharpe had it coming.

Just because a man has it coming doesn't mean you give it to him.

Especially when a man has a $500,000 account.

Exactly.

Let's talk about something else. I've got more important things on my mind.

Like what, a $600,000 account?

-Please. -Fortunately for you...

...I smooth-talked Sharpe out of it.

Well, thanks. Thanks a lot.

What's the matter with you, Darrin?

Oh, nothing. I'm just fine.

-Sam okay? -Well, she's fine.

Something wrong?

What could be wrong?

Why, when I left, she--

She was playing hide-and-seek with the baby.

And when Sam hides, she doesn't fool around.

Look how well she sleeps up here.

It's this lovely smog-free air.

I suppose so.

Maybe I should've fixed that flat tire after all.

I think what you need, my darling, is to meet someone new.

Take your mind off dumb-dumb.

Mother, I hope you're joking.

Mr. Sharpe is here.

Well, send him in.

Why would he wanna see you?

-Good to see you, Dwight. -Tate.

Darrin and I were talking about last night...

...and Darrin feels he owes you a tremendous apology.

-He doesn't know what got into him-- -Tate, shut up.

Stephens, if there are any apologies to be made, I should make them.

As my wife pointed out repeatedly last night, I behaved like a fool.

Well, I must admit, I was a little bit of a fool myself.

Nonsense. I baited you.

And I could've easily sidestepped you.

-Stephens. -Darrin...

...if Dwight wants to be the fool, let him.

Okay, you're right.

-You were wrong. -Good.

With that settled, I suggest we take another crack at dinner.

Marvellous. I'd love to.

-How about my place again? -Perfect.

-Let's say tonight. -Let's.

-Let's not. -What do you mean, "Let's not"?

-I thought you accepted my apology. -I did. Can't we just let it go at that?

No, I would like to apologize to Mrs. Stephens too.

I'll call her and give her your message.

I'd prefer to apologize in person.

I'm afraid it won't be possible tonight.

-Of course it's possible. -Larry, it isn't.

I mean, my wife is at her mother's, and--

Darrin, only two minutes ago, you told me Sam was at home.

Did I say home?

A person's entitled to change his mind, isn't he?

What's going on? Are you coming to my place tonight or not?

We'll be there, Dwight. You can count on that.

-Let's say 8:00. -Eight o'clock it is.

-Terrific. See you then. -See you tonight.

Why did you do that, Larry? I told you I can't make it.

Oh, yes, you can.

There's a $500,000 account at stake...

...so believe me, you'll make it.

Now, get in touch with Sam and we'll meet you at the Sharpes' at 8, sharp.

Eight o'clock sharp at the Sharpes'.

Sam.

Sam.

The phone, Darrin.

Try using the phone.

Samantha.

Oh, Darrin.

Samantha.

You know, Mother, that fight we had became ridiculous.

We got to the point where we said things we didn't even mean.

Sam, wherever you are, I didn't mean when I said...

...the whole thing was your fault.

I didn't mean it when I said he wasn't a gentleman.

I didn't mean it when I said you knew Blue Beard.

It's all my fault for not fixing that silly tire.

Sam, it was all my fault for not accepting you...

...as the sweet, beautiful witch you are.

I was being wilful and stubborn...

...and definitely out of line.

I apologize.

I love you.

Would you please come home?

Darrin.

-Sweetheart, it was so-- -I don't know how I could--

-What? -Not so loud.

You'll wake Tabatha. I just put her to sleep.

-Okay, you first. -Okay, you first.

-Okay, me first. -Yeah.

This whole thing was my fault.

It was my fault.

And if you're willing...

...let's forget the whole thing, pretend that it never happened.

It's forgotten.

And then we'll go to a nice, quiet little French restaurant...

...sip some champagne and celebrate.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

I'll get it, sweetheart.

Darrin, just dropped by to make sure that you--

-Oh, hi, Sam. -Hi, Larry.

Be seeing you later, Sam.

I'll be up in a minute, sweetheart.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to make sure you won't blow that party at the Sharpes' tonight.

I have no intention of having dinner with Mr. Sharpe.

Sam and I have plans.

I know you do, with Louise and me for dinner at the Sharpes'.

I know Sam's home so you have no excuse.

Tonight is business, big business.

I tell you, Samantha's not in the mood for business.

-Well, get her in the mood. -It's not that simple.

There's trouble in paradise.

Mother.

Oh, Samantha, when are you going to wake up?

You know what you are to Dobbin?

-Darrin. -A convenience, a business asset.

Or, as the mortals say, a meal ticket.

Mother, you have Darrin all wrong.

In fact, we're going to a French restaurant tonight...

...to celebrate my homecoming...

...and you are babysitting.

If you are right, I'm babysitting...

...but if you're wrong...

...you, Tabatha and I are cloud-sitting.

-Deal? -Deal.

Good.

Listen to this.

You're a bright boy, Darrin. You'll think of a way.

See you and Samantha at the Sharpes' tonight.

-Larry-- -Darrin...

...two last words, be there.

You see...

...Mother is always right.

Don't be too sure.

I'll see you on cloud eight.

Honey, why aren't you getting ready?

Ready? For what?

For dinner. Have you forgotten?

Not entirely.

What was it again exactly?

Well, there was you, and me, and--

And?

A bottle of champagne in a cosy French restaurant.

-Just the two of us? -Just the two of us.

Oh, Darrin.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, just the two of us?

Just the two of us.

That's right, the same group: us, the Sharpes and the Stephens.

Oh, are we going to play Insult the Guests again?

Louise, never mind the sarcasm. Just hurry up.

Sweetheart, I have something to tell you.

You see, I made this dumb bet with Mother.

Honey, I don't wanna talk about your mother.

Well....

Honey, what did Larry want?

He doesn't come over unless there's a good reason.

And what did he mean when he said, "Be seeing you later, Sam"?

Honey, I don't wanna talk about Larry either.

This is our evening.

Well, sweetheart, I wouldn't wanna stand in the way...

...of important business.

There is nothing more important than you.

Now, fix me a drink.

Yeah.

Larry, hurry and get to the phone

Or you'll end up At the Sharpes' alone

Boy, if there's one thing I can do, it's make a dry--

I think I'll call Darrin.

Larry, come fix this clasp for me. It's broken.

Oceans are churning Deserts are barren

Larry, won't you please Call Darrin

If you'll just hold your wrist still....

-I think I'll call Darrin. -No, you don't.

Just stop nagging those two. And don't worry...

...they'll be there tonight.

I think I'll wear something else.

Maybe I'm being a little too poetic.

Larry, pick up that phone.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Larry. What a pleasant surprise.

Well, sure we'll be there.

Be where?

Right. Eight o'clock.

Sharp at the Sharpes'.

Oh, yes, Larry, that's very funny.

Yeah. Bye.

Larry called you about tonight?

Went right by me, huh?

Well, now, sweetheart, I'm very glad he called.

It's a wonderful opportunity to straighten this out with the Sharpes.

Honey, it's not up to you to straighten it out. It was all my fault.

-No, it wasn't. -If I hadn't have been such a--

-If I had fixed that tire-- -If I hadn't have rushed you--

-Cheers. -Cheers.

The evening's going to be a tremendous success. I can just feel it.

It certainly is starting out right. At least we're not going to be late.

And it's beautiful out. There's even a moon.

And good tires. I had them checked on the way home from work.

You think of everything, don't you?

Almost everything.

-We're out of gas. -Oh, Darrin.

And the last gas station was at least five miles back.

Not necessarily.

Sweetheart, look.

That's funny. I never noticed that before.

Neither did I.

Isn't it amazing how quickly they build things nowadays?

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