All language subtitles for Adam Ruins Everything s01e25 Christmas.eng

The story of the true
meaning of Christmas,

the story of a boy...

well, an emotionally stunted
man...

who had gotten himself
into quite a pickle.

Adam, you were supposed
to get the place ready.

You didn't do anything.

Yes, I did.

I found our old Christmas tape.

Want to watch it?
No.

Look, it's Christmas Eve.

This place has to be perfect.

It's fine.

Mom and Dad are gonna
be here in a few hours.

You know how nuts they get
about tradition.

I spent the last month
making eggnog

even though
I'm lactose intolerant.

I have to roast chestnuts
over an open fire

even though it breaks
like 15 fire codes.

And I have 900 yards
of popcorn garland to make

because Mom always says,
"Jesus weeps without popcorn."

It really
means a lot to me

that they finally agreed to have

Christmas Eve at my place,

but the last thing I want
is another fight

about how we're not
celebrating Jesus

like in the old days.

Ooh, in the old days,

people used to fight
about putting Christ

in Christmas just as much.

In fact...
Oh, no, we do not have time for your show right now.

Not my show,
my Christmas special.

Hi, I'm Adam Conover.

You are human figgy pudding.

And this is
"Adam Ruins Everything."

Closed Captions Provided by
truTV

Look, I know we're not
that religious,

but Mom and Dad
made it a tradition.

It's the one night a year
we get together

and have a nice, somber
Christiany evening.

Well, that's pretty weird

because historically,
Christmas was actually

a really raucous holiday,

and most of our
Christmas traditions

have really
un-Christian origins.

Here, I'll show you.

Ugh! Animated, really?

I don't have time for this.

But I always did relate
to Peppermint Patty, Chuck.

The real story
of the holiday season

starts over 2,000 years ago

during the Roman Empire.

In December, Romans
celebrated a holiday

called Saturnalia

to mark the end of the harvest.

It was a wild party

involving gambling, singing,

and even
cross-dressing.

Isn't there anyone

who knows what Saturnalia
is all about?

And in northern Europe,

a drunken festival called Yule

celebrated the birth of the sun.

Families would burn

the biggest log they could find

and celebrate
around evergreen trees

to ward off winter depression.

I hate to burst
your bubble, Chuck,

but this has nothing
to do with Christmas.

December 25 is still
Jesus's birthday.

Actually, no one
really knows for certain

when Jesus was born,

but we do know
that when Christianity

took hold of Europe
in the fifth century,

some common folk refused to part

with these pagan parties,

so Christian leaders
gradually transformed

these popular traditions

into a celebration
of Jesus's birth.

Hey, you pagan freaks,

my God was probably born today.

This party's
about Jesus now, 'Kay?

Whatever, dude.

It's turnt up in this forest.

Inserting Christ into
these winter festivals

was basically
a civic compromise...

Make the party about Jesus

and you can keep
getting jiggy with it.

Well, Chuck, sounds like
that's when Christmas

became the nice,
family-friendly holiday

we know today.
Nope.

It stayed a debauched,
violent booze fest

for a long time.

For over a thousand years,

Christmas was more like
a terrifying Mardi Gras.

In England, drunken mobs
would take over the streets,

and a beggar would be crowned
the lord of misrule.

I declare all crime is legal.

It's purge time, baby!

The mobs would bang
on rich people's doors

and demand to be served

the best food and drink
they had,

and if they refused,

they were threatened
with Christmas violence.

Give me booze,
or I'll smash your face!

This actually looks
kind of fun, Chuck.

I agree, but it certainly
wasn't very Christian,

which is why, when Puritans
came to America,

they decided Christmas
had no place

in a Christian nation

and banned it.

What? Christmas
was illegal? Yep.

In some communities,

if you exhibited
Christmas spirit,

you were even forced
to pay a fine.

Hmm, rosy cheeks, jolly smile.

Your fine is five shillings...

Thanks to the legacy
of these rules,

Christmas ended up pretty
unpopular in America,

but all that changed
in the 19th century.

As immigrants
flooded into America,

they brought with them
a love of Christmas

and their own traditions.

These seeped into
the popular culture,

and a new, American Christmas

began to take hold.

And now we treat Christmas

like it's always been a sacred
Christian celebration,

but the historical truth is,

these winter festivities
have pagan roots

with drunken traditions

that a lot of Christians
straight up hated

for like a thousand years.

Now, look,

celebrating Christmas
as the birth of Jesus

is a wonderful tradition,

but it's just as
historically accurate

to get drunk in the woods

or bang on a rich person's door

and threaten them with violence.

So, instead of worrying

that Christmas
isn't Christian anymore,

why don't we just
let people celebrate

the way they want?

Great.

Isn't it always better
to know?

Well, I know that you just
wasted seven minutes of my time

and this place isn't even
close to being ready,

so why don't you give me a hand

and wrap some Christmas gifts.

Christmas gifts?

Oh, I definitely can't
help you with those.

Why not?
Because they make no economic sense.

Let me tell you why.

Dang it.

Ever wonder why?

Ever wonder why
"It's a Wonderful Life"

plays on TV every Christmastime?

Now it's a holiday classic,
but it didn't used to be.

When "It's a Wonderful Life"
came out in 1946,

it was a massive flop.

So much so
that when the copyright

came up for renewal in the '70s,

no one even bothered
to extend it.

Everyone has forgotten me.

Well, maybe it's better
if I never existed at all.

Don't jump.

Your failure was
secretly a success.

Well, gee whiz.

Now I seem awful dramatic.

When the copyright lapsed,

the movie fell
into the public domain,

and it became free to air
on television,

so cheapskate TV stations

started airing it nonstop
during Christmas.

Well, it may be garbage,

but at least it's free garbage.

Clarence!

I... I want to be
seen again.

I... I... I want
to be seen again.

And thus was
"It's a Wonderful Life"

cemented into the imagination
of a generation.

So, thanks to the public domain,

we have this beloved
Christmas classic.

And every time you watch it,
a cable host gets his wings.

You can't ruin gifts.

It's nice to get things
for people.

Like, I'm gonna get you
a Christmas sweater

that's a little less...
confusing.

What? It's a traditional
St. Nicholas pickle barrel.

And please don't.

Gift-giving
may feel nice,

but it makes no economic sense.

Fine, I won't,

but getting gifts
is great for the economy.

Everybody knows that.

Yeah, everybody "knows that,"

but they're all wrong.

Gift-giving
actually destroys

up to $20 billion
in value every year.

Here, I'll show you.

Here's a gift...
The gift of knowledge.

Aah!
Aah!

Mmm, our first Christmas
as a married couple.

Oh, this is so romantic.

I think you're really
going to like this.

Hello, my friends.

Aah! No, I hate it!

Oh. Hi, Rhea.

Hey, guys.
I am so sorry.

Adam, just get on with it.

Wait, is he teaching
you something?

Oh, no.

We're the examples this time.

First, let's define
economic value.

I'd rather drown.

The value of an object
is the maximum amount

that its owner would be
willing to pay for it,

or simply put, how much
it's worth to you.

Add all these amounts together,

and that's the total value

of everything you've bought.

Ohh!

Cool.

Oh, Emily, I see that giant

cardboard cutout of The Rock

is worth a hundred bucks to you.

Oh, yeah.

But I only paid 50 for it.

Well, it it's worth
a hundred to you

and you only paid 50,

then in economic terms,
when you bought it,

you literally created
$50 in value.

You're 50 bucks richer.

Oh, I feel wealthy.

Let's go to Vegas.

Gee, Adam, thanks
for this lesson

in basic economics,

but what does this have
to do with gift-giving?

A whole lot, actually.

Oh, who is that coming
down the chimney?

Santa? It's Santa.

I knew he was real.

Nope, it's economist
Joel Waldfogel.

Wow, way less exciting.

Hey, Adam.
Hey, Joel.

Would you mind explaining
to my sister Rhea

what the economic problem
with gift-giving is?

Sure.
When we buy gifts,

we do so with
the best of intentions,

but while we're really good
at knowing what we like,

we're pretty terrible
at guessing

what other people would value.

Oh, this is great.

What? What's wrong?

Well, usually I wear
wrestling tank tops

so I can show off
my jacked triceps,

but it's the thought
that counts.

Not economically.

Emily, how much would you
pay for this shirt?

I'll wear it to bed,
so I guess, like,

I don't know, 15 bucks.
I paid 50.

Well, Murph, you just destroyed
$35 worth of value.

He might as well
have set it on fire.

No. No, no, no, no!

Now, sometimes we get it right

and buy the perfect gift,

but on average,

gifts are worth 18% less
per dollar spent

to their recipients

than things we buy
for ourselves.

And statistically, spouses are
actually the best gift-givers.

You know who's worse?
Parents.

Dear Daughter,
we know you like The Rock,

so we got you his cousin's DVD.

It cost us 50 bucks.

Ugh!

"Roman Reigns" is trash.

I mean, I guess maybe
I'd spend like $2 on it,

but only to hate-watch it.

That's $48 in value destroyed.

And according
to Joel's research,

there's not much worse
than the dreaded aunt.

Well, you said you liked rock,
so here's a rock.

It cost $50.

This is a nothing gift.

This is worth
literally nothing to me.

Poof!

$50 in value just evaporated.

Please leave.
You smell like incense.

And when you add up the waste

across all the gifts
in the economy,

we're destroying more than
$20 billion per year.

So, what's your
takeaway here?

Do we stop giving gifts?

No.
No one wants that.

But we can all give
a lot smarter.

We should just be extra
careful in those situations

where we're giving to people

whose preferences we don't know.

And we can make
more use of tools

like online wish lists
and gift cards

that enable the recipient

to pick the gift that they want.

That way, we can all have

a more economically
efficient holiday.

Wow.

How joyous.

Actually, gift cards
have their own problems.

Nope, you only
get one. Out.

Happy Christmas to all
and to all a good Q4.

Ah, I'll use the door this time.

Bye, Joel.
Man, that guy's cool.

Adam, again, I don't know
why you felt the need

to tell me this today.

I told you, it's always
better to know.

Okay, you keep saying that,

and our parents are coming,

and I don't know
how to talk to you.

All I wanted
was your help today,

and you just keep telling me
pointless trivia.

You always do this.
What is the point of it?

I was just trying to show you
that if you freed yourself...

Enough!

I have been dealing
with this for months!

All I asked of you was to be
out of my house by Christmas.

I just wanted to show
Mom and Dad

I'm a functioning adult.

You are a functioning adult.

Well, you're not!

You just get in the way.

Which way to the bus?

Oh, um...

You don't have to take the bus.

I'm sorry.

I thought your powers
were only for learning.

They are.

I just learned something
about myself.

Ever wonder why?

Ever wonder why no two
snowflakes are alike?

Well, you shouldn't.

Because that ain't
strictly true.

Back in 1988,

cloud scientist Nancy Knight

did some research
high above Wisconsin.

Guys, cloud scientist doesn't
mean I'm made out of clouds.

She studied a bunch of
high-altitude snow crystals.

And I found two snowflakes

that looked
completely identical.

Turns out snowflakes
in their earliest stages

are simple
six-sided prisms,

and these boring flakes
can look really similar,

but as they fall,

they travel through
different atmospheres.

And that's when the snowflakes
really become different.

I don't care what
that cloud lady says.

I'm beautiful and unique.

Depending on temperature
and humidity,

a snowflake can drastically
change its shape and style.

My style is Goth.

So, by the time the snowflake
reaches the ground,

it looks nothing like
it did in the clouds.

Wow! I feel like
a whole new me.

And in this new body,

I really feel like
anything is possible.

Oh, God, no!

Yuck.
I was gonna see the world.

So, while you may never spot
two identical snowflakes

down here on the ground,

up there in the clouds,

snowflakes aren't really
that special at all.

Hey! Hey, stop!

Oh, sorry, snowflakes.
I didn't mean it.

Come on, guys.
Aah! Help!

In his life, Adam had often
felt lonely,

but never quite as lonely
as he felt now...

all by himself on Christmas Eve.

His sister had helped him
when he needed it most,

but like always,
he ruined that too,

and now he had no one.

Or did he?

Adam.

Hey, don't worry about it.
It's okay.

No, it really isn't this time.

My sister let me
crash with her all year,

and I wanted to say thank you,

but I couldn't even
do that right.

I'm just not like
everybody else.

Adam, when I first met you,

I thought you were
some smug nerd

in a tweed jacket

who needed to be
right all the time,

but when I got to know you,

I realized you were
just trying to help

in the only way you know how.

So, now, the fact
that you're different,

that's what I like about you.

I don't know,
Rhea was just so stressed,

and I had this whole plan
to fix everything,

and it didn't work.

Well, not yet.

But she's your sister,
and she loves you.

It's not too late.

Look, you have a crazy ability

to change people's minds
in like seven minutes.

I bet you can change
Rhea's mind too.

Yeah?

Yeah!

Go say thank you

in whatever different
Adam way you can.

You're right.
You're right!

I know exactly what I should do.

I'm gonna tell her
the true story of Santa Claus.

All right, that's not
the tactic I had in mind,

but okay, sure.

How'd I do?
Did it look real?

You did great, honey.

Now, let's go get nooched.

Ohh!

Rhea...

I know you don't want to hear

anything from me right now,

but this is important.

No, Mom and Dad are gonna
be here in 15 minutes.

Please, I need to tell you

the true history of Santa Claus.

Just hear me out.

Whatever. Go ahead.

But I already know this one.

Santa was invented
by Coca-Cola.

Nope. In the early
20th century,

Coca-Cola was going through
a series of P.R. scandals,

including the fact
that their cola

was made with cocaine.

Pay no attention
to all that snow.

We're nice people.

To appear more lovable,

Coca-Cola advertised using
a rosy-cheeked, red-suited,

family-friendly
St. Nick,

but they didn't invent him.

They just used his image
to make a buck.

Man, it's gross how commercial
Christmas has become.

It's sad they pervert
Santa's image

just for their ad campaign.

Oh, Santa's been used
for weird campaigns

throughout history.

In olden days, he was often
portrayed as a boozer.

But the temperance movement
made him sober

to promote Prohibition.

No.

One version of Santa

was used in 20th century
socialist campaigns.

The top 1% of the children
get 99% of the gifts

while the working-class elves
get virtually nothing.

The naughty and nice list
is rigged.

We need a political revolution
at the North Pole.

While in 1874 Mississippi,

there was actually
a Santa-themed KKK rally.

I'm dreaming
of a white Christmas.

Nope, get out of my home.

Nope, you're scum.
Get out of here.

Nope, never.

Okay, Santa's been used
for some weird causes,

but so what?

He's a wonderful idea.

Sure, maybe now he is,

but early Santas
were way weirder.

Before 1880,

Santa didn't even live
at the North Pole.

That idea was invented
by Thomas Nast,

who drew Santa
recording kids' behavior

from a giant telescope.

Ho ho!
Someone's being very nice.

That is disturbing.

And the European
precursors to Santa

were even more messed up.

Germanic nations
replaced St. Nick

with baby Jesus
and a demon named Krampus,

who dragged bad kids
to hell.

This naughty boy
has been torrenting software.

Aah! I promise to stop.

It's just really hard to find
a good word processor.

The Dutch believe
St. Nicholas himself

brought the presents.

That doesn't seem so bad.
No, it's not.

But instead of an elf,

he was accompanied
by a literal slave

named Black Peter,

often portrayed by a white
person in blackface.

Oh, no. No.
We're not showing that.

Yeah, the KKK St. Nick
was probably enough, huh?

Yeah.

Ugh! Why do we even
celebrate this dude?

Was St. Nick even real?
Oh, yeah.

St. Nicholas of Myra

was the patron saint
of gift-giving and children.

I am probably gonna regret this,

but why was he the patron
saint of those things?

And please don't say
it's racist stuff again.

Oh, no. Instead,
it's creepy stuff.

Jolly old St. Nick
loved giving gifts,

especially to young girls.

Excuse me?

He would sneak into their houses

in the middle of the night

and leave gold in their stocking

so they wouldn't
become prostitutes.

No need for streetwalking,
my dear.

I wasn't planning on it.

And the reason he's
the patron saint of children

is even stranger.

Watch.

A long, long time ago

in a country far, far away...

Is that me?

St. Nick found
a pickle barrel,

but it wasn't just
any pickle barrel.

It was full of dead,
dismembered children.

What?
This is the story?

How do I not remember this?

Shh. This is
the important part.

St. Nick, through the power
of a holy miracle,

brought all those chunks
of dead children back to life.

Arise!

I am no longer
dead or dismembered,

but I'm still pickled.

Thanks, St. Nick.

So, even though Santa
may not be real,

remember that the real
story of St. Nick

is just as cool
and more magical.

Thank you.

Santa Claus isn't real?

Of course not.
It's just a story.

No!

No!

Why did everyone lie to me?

Well, sometimes the things
we've been told are wrong.

It can be fun to find out
the truth behind stories.

If you ask me,

it's always better to know.

It's always better to know?

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Actually, what other
myths are there?

I have so much research to do.

It's always better to know!

I taught you that?

Yeah.

It's always better to know,
and now you know.

I'm not sure what to say.

Well, I am.
Thank you.

You made me who I am.

And I know I'm not
the easiest brother to have,

but I've been trying to help
in the only way I know how...

by explaining that all
of these traditions...

Gah! Mom and Dad
are almost here!

No! No! No!

Oh, what are we gonna do?

Uh, I think I know
how to fix this,

and I'll tell you about it
right after this.

Uh, I think I know
how to fix this,

tas!

My parents are coming.

Rhea, it's okay.

But the cookies and the garland.

Those things don't matter.

Of course they do.
It's tradition.

Listen to me.

All traditions
started somewhere,

and all traditions have changed.

But Mom and Dad...

Started doing things one way,

and you can do them another.

You've been putting
so much pressure on yourself

to wrap the right gifts
and make the right food

and remember the true
meaning of Christmas,

but honestly, the true
meaning of Christmas

is whatever you want it to be.

Because it's all made up.

And if it's all made up,

I can make my own traditions.

Exactly.

I think it's time
we stopped trying

to repeat the Christmas
Mom and Dad used to have

and make one of our own.

Yeah.

Let's do this.

Let's have a Conover Christmas.

Decorating montage!

What? No. We don't
have time for that.

Oh, why not?

Oh, right.

Let's do it our way.

Ah, this is amazing!

I was worried
it wasn't gonna work

'cause I thought the powers
were just for learning.

Well, there are a few
specific exceptions like...

Oh, we should get that.

Hi.
Hi.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Rhea, I love
the decorations.

They're so you.

They were actually Adam's idea.

We did them together.

I got to be honest, Adam.

I never knew you had
so many friends.

Me neither.

Plus, this is the third
party I've attended.

The third?
Very impressive.

Oh, look.
There's Krampus.

Let's go dance with him.

I know what you're gonna say,

but just open it.

I got you nothing this year!

Oh, it's exactly what I wanted.

Thank you.
Yeah, for sure.

Well, I got you something too.

Adam, I specifically
didn't get you anything

because you said...

Oh.

Never mind.
It's also an empty box.

No, it's a moving box, see?

I'm looking at some rentals
this weekend.

I'm ready to be a big boy.

How about you stay
through New Year's?

Then I'll help you look.

Oh, that would be great.

Ooh, then we can sing
"Auld Lang Syne."

And the story
of "Auld Lang Syne"

is real weird.

A lot of people
think it was written

by the poet Robert Burns...

That Christmas, Rhea learned
that her big brother

wasn't such a big bother
after all,

and that emotionally stunted man
taught us

that the true meaning
of Christmas

is, eh, whatever the
we want it to be.

I guess smug men named Adam

really can solve
all the world's problems.

Another Christmas myth broken.

.srt Extracted, Resynced by
Dan4Jem, XII.MMXVI

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0