Original subtitles

(bird screeches)

(man) The untamed West...

the last frontier...

where death walks in the open.

(bell tolling)

(dramatic Western music)

Where a lone man

leads an endless struggle of good versus evil.

I can see his trail off in the distance.

He'll be here soon.

And only I can stop him.

The rugged cowboy, hero of the West.

Actually, the cowboy wasn't the hero of the West at all.

Huh! Bandit!

Aah! I'm not a bandit.

Then you're a hired gun sent to kill me. Nope.

Oh. Then you're the spirit of the jackal,

who takes many shapes.

Wrong again.

Well, who in the heck are you?

Howdy! I'm Adam Conover.

And this is "Adam Ruins Everything."

Closed Captions Provided by truTV

(rooster crowing)

(horse snorting)

Whoa, now.

Howdy.

Howdy. Howdy.

(Adam) Wow, a Wild West town!

Or the Hollywood version, anyway.

Ooh, there is so much to debunk here.

Listen up, little lady.

I'm Duke Blaine.

I'm the fastest-drawing, manliest-stubble-having,

blue-eyed cowboy in the West.

I'm here to save this town from Big Bad Olmstead,

so you best be on your way.

No, you're not.

You're a composite

of several different movie cowboys.

And the movie version of the Wild West

had nothing to do with the real history.

Says you.

What's with that hokey getup anyway?

Oh, this is my country-western suit.

I had it made special for this episode, see?

(chuckles)

This represents curiosity

and this one's

for turtle husbandry.

And what I'm wearing

is about as historically accurate

as what you're wearing.

You should really be dressed like this guy.

(flies buzzing)

What? Oh, no, no, he smells like cow dung.

He sure does.

That's because real cowboys didn't shoot bad guys.

They herded cows.

They were basically just laborers.

I just got into town...

and here's my r?sum?!

My greatest weakness is that I care too much.

That's great.

You're hired.

You can start shoveling manure tomorrow.

Whoo-hoo!

No, no, cowboys were the law in these towns.

Strolling around,

dazzling the townsfolk with flashy gunplay.

Hey, what does that sign say?

It says "No guns."

The law was the law in Wild West towns,

and many of them actually had stricter gun laws

than those same cities today.

They did?

Frontier towns were industrial economies

where people came to mine or herd cattle,

so many of them required visitors

to check their firearms upon entering.

Consarn it, guns are the way of the West!

Yee-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha!

Take that, angels!

This here town is for work, not for gunplay!

You want to play with something, play with these!

What the...?

How am I supposed to defend the townsfolk with these?

The cowboy is the white knight of the West.

Actually, most cowboys weren't white at all.

A third were Mexican and a quarter were black.

Where'd my right to vote go?

Mexicans? No way.

He's right, Blaine.

Good Lord, it's the jackal!

Man, you are superstitious.

No, Blaine, this is D.H. Figueredo,

author and chronicler of the history

of Mexicans in the West.

Blaine, the truth is

that America owes most of its cowboy traditions

to Mexican culture.

Spain introduced cattle to Mexico in the 1500s.

That's when the vaquero, or "cow man," was born.

That's why so many cowboy words derive from Spanish:

"lasso," "rodeo," "mustang," "bronco," even "chaps."

No! Not my chaps.

How come I never heard of this?

Well, after the rise of the movie industry,

American popular culture was dominated by the image

of the white and tall cowboy

because actors like John Wayne and Gary Cooper

were the ones cast to play cowboys in the movies.

So the long history of the black and Latino cowboys

was forgotten.

Well, I'll be danged.

Thanks, D.H.

Thank you, Adam.

Yah! It was the jackal! You lied to me.

No, it was an expert, it was an expert.

Come on, come on.

What about my heroes?

People like Wyatt Earp and Buffalo Bill?

They were real people.

Ah, more showmanship.

Wyatt Earp was a con artist drifter

who sold his story to Hollywood,

and Buffalo Bill was an entertainer

known for his tall tales.

See, for many years,

Americans thought of Wild West settlements

as trashy places,

but Buffalo Bill changed all that

with his touring Wild West shows.

Come see my amazing recreations!

We got cowboys, we got Indians,

we've even got a girl with a gun.

Gender is a construct! Bang-bang!

It was a circus show with a simple story line,

but as it toured the country,

it popularized the image of the Wild West

as we know it today.

But that's all it was--

a simple story.

Who you calling simple?

I contain multitudes, dadgummit.

You need me.

Y'all need me!

Who else is gonna protect you from the savage Injun?

Whoa! Lots to unpack here.

First off, you are lumping together

500 federally recognized tribes and cultures,

none of which deserve to be called savage.

Rein it in, buddy.

Wild West's beginning to sound

more and more p.c. every day.

Secondly, cowboys didn't fight Native Americans,

our government did.

For centuries, the U.S. government

systematically forced native people off their land,

then gave it to white homesteaders,

and then either killed the natives

or confined them to reservations.

Let's play government and Indians!

All right, I'll be an Indian.

And we'll be the government.

Now get out.

(sighs)

We didn't need protecting from Native Americans.

They needed protecting from us.

Our government straight up invaded their home.

Feel so small.

Yeah, you should.

Because Americans have known about this

for over a century,

but instead of confronting it,

we're still propagating

a false image of the Wild West

we got from a hundred-year-old circus act.

This is, this is, this is hard to believe.

You're telling me that the West

was not settled by a lone man

armed only with his wits and a gun?

No.

In fact, these towns were largely built by women.

No! What?

Don't you want to know more?

I'm gonna tell you about it.

Smash the patriarchy!

Bang-bang-bang!

(piano playing, chatter and laughter)

Olmstead'll be here soon.

I need a drink to steady my nerves.

Yes, sarsaparillas all around!

What? It's good for psoriasis.

(woman) Oh! Oh! Oh!

Now, you come on over,

my soiled dove.

Oh, the West is too wild for a frail woman like me.

(bell dings)

Unhand her, you brute!

Oh! Ma'am.

Hey, what's the big idea? Ooh...

I'm here to defend your honor.

You girls are helpless out here in the West.

Ha! That's a good one. (spits)

Blaine, women arguably did more to develop the West

than men did.

I ain't no damsel in distress.

I'm a working girl.

And old Bill loves a good, helpless woman act, don't ya?

Oh, I, I surely do, Miss Pearl.

Same time next week?

You got it, honey.

Oh, and that punch?

That was a nice touch.

Now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Prostitution is no job for a respectable woman like you.

Blaine, women, like everyone else,

came to the West for economic opportunity.

And despite its considerable downsides,

prostitution was often the most lucrative line of work

available to them.

If you haven't noticed, it is the 1800s,

and there aren't a lot of options

for me to earn a living.

This is the best one I got.

Excuse me while I decide what to do

with all my... independence.

(chuckles)

Now serving... number 42!

(laughs)

In fact, before these women arrived,

Wild West towns weren't really towns at all.

They were more like work camps.

Welcome, y'all.

That's the hole you sleep in,

that's the hole you crap in,

and that's the hole you die in.

(Adam) The men were so desperate for women,

they would pay just to see a pair of women's undergarments.

Oh, come on, gimme a peek

at those dainty little things.

Oh, can you imagine?

(Adam) So, when women came west, they saw a clear economic need.

Hmm... these boys are lacking something...

and I think I can provide it.

(Adam) Their services were in such demand,

many of these women made more money

than the men they served.

And entire towns sprung up around brothels.

It was the influx of women

that finally turned these barren camps

into bustling towns.

Now that we got all this cash, let's do something with it.

Cheryl, you open a store to shop in.

(bell dings)

Marta, you open a school to learn in.

(school bell rings)

And, Donna, you open a church to feel guilty in.

And with all that wealth,

they soon became leaders of their communities.

First you get the land...

then you get the money...

then you get the power.

And they used that power

to provide services the West desperately needed.

Madam Millie of New Mexico used her wealth

to put local children through college.

How sweet.

Colorado madam Laura Evans

provided workers' compensation for injured men

and sheltered victims of domestic abuse.

Mighty generous.

And madam Diamond Jessie Hayman

provided food and clothing to the homeless

after the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

Hold on.

Are you sure women did all this?

They sure did.

Thank you, painted lady, but the men are talking.

Oh...

Blaine, mind your manners.

That's author and historian Jan Mackell Collins.

I had nothin'.

Oh, hey, there, Jan.

Well, hi, Adam.

Would you tell Blaine here about the contribution

prostitutes made to the Old West?

Well, certainly.

So, it is true

that the prostitution industry

could be a very dangerous one,

because there was disease,

domestic violence, drug abuse,

but prostitutes were pioneers,

just like the men they served.

In fact, a lot of prostitutes and madams

were astute businesswomen.

Being a prostitute or a madam could actually give women

more financial freedom here in the West

than their eastern counterparts,

and that could even lead

to a measure of political equality

and influence in the communities

where they served these men.

Well, I'll be a three-peckered barn owl.

Okay, come on, Jan, double or nothing!

You're on, cowpoke.

By 1869, women wielded so much power in the West

that Wyoming actually became the first territory

to give women the right to vote,

a half-century before the rest of the nation did.

We was hoping on holding elections today, ma'am.

That is, of course, if'n it's all right with you.

Works for me.

Girls, time to vote.

(bell dinging)

Wyoming actually refused to become a state

unless women kept that right.

No, no, no, no, we can't have your women voting.

Their tiny brains can't handle it.

No deal! We may stay out of the Union 100 years,

but we'll come in with our women!

Wow, that is remarkably progressive for this era.

Fine! Women in Wyoming can keep the vote!

(all cheering)

By the way, while I'm here, uh, would you mind if I...

Sure, go right ahead, Uncle.

Tee-hee-hee, I'm a naughty boy.

Wyoming joined the Union as "The Equality State,"

and the idea soon spread.

The next eight states to grant women suffrage

were all in the West,

and Wyoming would go on to elect

the nation's first female governor in 1924.

Face it, without these women,

the West as we know it wouldn't exist.

So, men like me, we're useless?

We're nothing?

Okay, that's an overreaction.

Saying women are good

doesn't devalue the contributions of men.

Oh, horse... hockey!

If the ladies are so great,

they can take on Big Bad Olmstead.

Let them be the heroes of the West.

Oh... come on.

Blaine!

Come back, Blaine!

The real hero of the West wasn't a person at all!

Don't you want to know what it is?

Blaine!

(harmonica playing mournfully)

(Adam) Oh... so... so, Blaine,

want me to tell you the real reason

cowboys didn't settle the West?

(chuckles)

Please go away. Oh...

The desert is a cruel and inhospitable realm.

It's no place for a city slicker like you.

Ha, that's true.

In fact, it's no place for anybody.

Frankly, the West probably

never should have been settled at all,

and until surprisingly recently,

very few people lived in these deserts.

Arizona, Nevada and New Mexico

are harsh, barren places with no water

and temperatures that regularly reach the 110s.

People really only moved out West to work,

and once that work dried up,

they kept moving to more hospitable lands.

I'm gonna head out for San Francisco.

You know, open a mining startup.

I heard the real estate market

is insane right now.

Yeah.

In fact, homesteaders who were given land

in the Mojave Desert

quickly abandoned their properties,

and these places all became ghost towns.

So, cowboys like you

aren't why modern Americans live out West.

The only reason most people live here today

is because of revolutionary modern technology.

Is that a mirage?

What the...

What's that cool breeze emanating from the doorway?

Oh... oh...

(woman, echoing) It's the future...

brought to you by modern technology.

To live here, we pipe cold air and water

into this unlivable wasteland

in defiance of God himself. (laughs)

What is this... cool, easy feeling?

It's unnatural.

Exactly.

It's air conditioning...

the real hero of the Wild West.

(horse whinnying)

(dramatic Western music)

(women oohing and laughing)

Ooh, I'm so chilly.

That's because we use vast amounts of energy

to artificially terraform this desert wasteland,

and it's all thanks to the federal government.

No! Not the federal government!

You betcha!

If you want to bring water and power

to your inhospitable desert,

try the Hoover Dam.

A massive federal spending project built in 1935,

it was the tallest damn in the world at the time,

and it can be yours for nearly 800 million in today's dollars.

Between 1950 and 2000, Arizona's population quintupled,

and Nevada's exploded by almost 1,000 percent!

Isn't the hubris of man beautiful?

So, remember, while tough guys like this

want you to think that they did it themselves,

the West as we know it was brought to you by...

modern technology and massive federal spending.

Without them, the West would still look like this.

N-nah!

Aah!

No...

No, I can't go back to living this way.

Where do I get that sweet, icy fix?

Oh, I know a place we can go-- the movies!

Here is where it starts to get really interesting.

One of the reasons movie theaters first took off

was they were the first public buildings

to regularly feature a.c.

Step right up and see our main attraction.

It's cold inside!

Also we're showing some stupid cowboy picture, but who cares?

Brr! Brr! (laughs)

Get back here, bandits!

This brought a huge influx of cash to the movie industry

and, sensing a new gold rush,

opportunists like your "hero," Wyatt Earp,

went to Hollywood to peddle their tall tales.

Yeah... and then I killed a bunch of people heroically.

Leave out the part about me being a broke gambler.

I tamed the West all by myself.

(cell phone ringtone)

Hey, Piven, we still on for Lakers tomorrow?

(laughs)

Courtside, baby!

Buffalo Bill's rodeo shows

had whetted the public's appetite for frontier fiction,

and from the silent movie era through the 1950s,

one out of every five movies made was a Western,

and it was these films that finally solidified the image

of the lone, rugged cowboy we know today.

So, you see, the modern West

was settled by air conditioning,

air conditioning gave birth to the movie industry,

and movies created the myth

that cowboys like you settled the West.

Isn't it cool how it comes around like that?

Man, history is so poetic sometimes.

So it's all a lie.

Even my fictional self-image was created by a machine.

Oh, and massive federal spending, don't forget that.

No...!

(sobbing)

I can't defend this town from Big Bad Olmstead!

If this town even exists!

I'm so confused.

(dramatic Western music)

Olmstead.

Is that you?

Say your prayers, Blaine.

It's time to meet your maker.

(people screaming and shouting)

All right, Big Bad Olmstead.

Show yourself.

I been here all along, cowboy.

(dramatic Western music, whip cracking)

Surprise! It was me the whole time! (laughs)

Big Bad Olmstead?

Well, Olmstead's my middle name. See?

Says right on my wanted poster.

Blaine, I told you you'd meet your maker.

Well, here they are.

(Blaine) No...

No, no, no, no, stay back, stay back!

Keep the truth away from me! (maracas rattle)

You're not a man, Blaine.

You're an idea.

And it's time to kill

this outdated image of the lone, rugged cowboy.

It was the group efforts of men and women,

people of all races,

massive government spending and modern technology

that made the West what it is today.

(grunting)

Your old story...

is full of holes.

But it can't be.

I was the... hero.

No, Blaine, you weren't.

But you were part of a tale.

And what a fascinating tale it was.

I mean, black and Mexican cowboys, female governors,

a cool air conditioner with a cowboy hat,

not to mention the rich history of the Native Americans, which,

frankly, deserves its own episode.

Yeah. Yeah.

The true history was always

more interesting than the myth.

It's time to let this fake story die

and start telling the real one.

I guess... I see your point.

(sad Western music)

That'll do, Blaine.

That'll do.

He's gone.

Yep. Well, goodbye.

Oh, you didn't wanna...

grab a drink at the saloon or anything, or--?

Nope.

It's time for you to go.

This is our story, not yours, remember?

Oh, right, of course.

(chuckles) No problem.

Makes sense.

(Adam grunts, horse whinnies)

Well, I, I guess I got new towns to teach. (laughs)

Uh-huh.

Okay. (slaps horse)

Whoa-ho!

(Adam) There he goes, the lonely TV host,

riding off into the sunset. (laughs)

(Miss Pearl) We don't care!

My friends!

Remember the Alamo...

was a political disaster.

Not a lot of people know that. (laughs)

See, in 1836,

the Mexican government was moving away from...

Oh, geez... oh, man, this thing really hurts your perineum.

(Western music ends)

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