Original subtitles

♪

(sighs)

Today's the day.

Today's the day, Mr. Bitey.

Don't worry, I'll still feed you.

(cat hisses)

(growling)

(traffic noise)

This is for you.

And this is for you.

You know he can't use that, right?

He doesn't understand commerce.

(bell dings)

Good morning, Veronica.

Just here to let all the dogs lick your face again?

Nope!

Today's the day I'm finally buying my own dog,

and I'll love it, and it'll love me,

and it'll take care of me when I'm old.

Okay.

Aw, these dogs are so cute.

The Dalmatian is so spotty.

The corgi is so smiley.

And the bulldog's face is so smashy

and his skin is so loosey, and here's a big old sausage.

These are the best dogs.

Actually, these are the worst dogs.

Adam? Are you--

No!

You're not gonna do an episode on animals, are you?

Yeah, I am, and it's gonna be "ruff."

Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this is "Adam Ruins Everything."

♪

Adam, why are you ruining dogs?

Are you not a dog person?

Mm, I'm more of a turtle person.

They're nature's perfect friend,

'cause they can never run away.

Adam, I don't have time for this.

Today's the day I'm finally buying

a cute little fluffy gosh-oh...

(baby gibberish)

Dog.

I just have to pick which breed.

Sorry, but not only are purebred dogs

riddled with genetic disease,

dog breeds aren't even a real thing.

We made them up.

What?

We talk about dog breeds

as though God created them that way.

And on the 788th day, God created the corgi.

And he was a good boy.

(Adam) And as though every mutt

were just a mix of different purebreds.

Miles is one-eighth terrier, a quarter spaniel, half-collie,

and, according to an old family legend,

his great-great-grandfather was a dire wolf.

(Adam) But that's backwards.

Mutts are dogs in their natural state.

Humans have lived with domesticated dogs for over 10,000 years,

but so called pure-bred dogs didn't even exist

until just 150 years ago.

Wait, really? Where do they come from?

The fact is, pure breeding is a form of genetic manipulation

humans made up just to amuse ourselves.

In 19th century Victorian England,

eugenics was all the rage,

and competitive dog breeding became a weird, fancy fad.

I made a dog with super loose skin.

I made one with a super flat,

(bleep)-up face.

Oh, now, that is disturbing.

I'm your god now.

Once these Dr. Frankensteins were satisfied,

they dubbed their little monsters "pure breeds"

and used kennel clubs to enforce their bizarre standards.

(thunder crashes) Behold my newest creation.

The corgi.

A corgi is 10 to 12 inches tall with a foxy head,

wide, flat skull, and non-sly expression,

so if your dog looks sly,

it's a poser freak, and it's out of the club!

(thunder crashes)

That's all a corgi really is.

An arbitrary definition made up by a weirdo.

Okay, but when you get a purebred,

you get a good, healthy dog, right?

Nope! When you hear "purebred,"

you should think "inbred."

Inbred? Like a hot dog?

Adorable, but no.

Kennel clubs prohibit purebred dogs

from mating outside their breed, and often,

they're mated members of their own family,

making the average pug as inbred as an Austrian duke.

My blood is very pure.

(groans, thud)

Well, maybe inbreeding is not that bad.

We concur-- inbreeding is quite natural,

isn't it, sister?

(both) Mm... mm... mm...

Ugh, definitely not.

The sad truth is, purebred dogs suffer

from disturbingly high rates of genetic disease.

It's because of a problem called the genetic bottleneck.

Here to explain is Dr. Kirk Lohmueller,

professor of evolution at UCLA.

(Professor Lohmueller) Hi, Adam.

Here's the problem with pure breeding.

When species breed in the wild,

they can exist in large populations

and can mate randomly.

This ensures a nice, healthy distribution

of genetic variation.

But when humans started pure breeding dogs,

we had them mate over and over again with their relatives

to get a specific look.

When we artificially limited the gene pool in that way,

we created a genetic bottleneck.

As the same small gene pool is spread

between more and more dogs,

diseases that would normally be rare become inevitable.

But wouldn't a good breeder only mate the healthy ones?

Like, "No thanks, weird scrub dog.

You're not having sex with no one."

Well, you can try.

(eraser squeaking)

But if you don't increase the size of the gene pool,

you're gonna keep creating abnormal dogs.

Tiny physical defects, like smaller noses, for example,

might get worse and worse over time,

until it becomes impossible for the dog to breathe.

(dog rasping)

The reality is, pure breeding leads to unhealthy dogs.

I hate this class.

Thanks, Kirk!

Bye, guys.

And those diseases are real serious.

60% of golden retrievers die of cancer.

An estimated 95% of King Charles spaniels

have skulls that are too small for their brains.

Pugs' faces are so flat, they reverse sneeze.

Great Danes are so huge, they get bone tumors

from supporting their own weight.

And as for toy breeds,

have you ever seen a little tiny dog that looked happy?

They know there's something wrong with them,

and they know that we did it to them.

(Spanish accent) I'm a freak, on a leash!

And now, we come to the English bulldog.

Aw, so cute.

Yeah, he is.

If you find total genetic failure cute.

(whimpering)

The bulldog was once a proud breed,

but a century of extreme breeding has ruined them.

Their noses are so squashed, they can barely breathe.

Their heads are so big, they're usually born by C-section.

Their tails can become ingrown.

They basically all have hip dysplasia,

and their average life expectancy is six years.

Frankly, it's surprising these dogs can even survive.

What?

Oliver here won best in show.

More like best in the freak show.

The sad part is, all of the bulldog's problems would be solved

if breeders would just allow them to crossbreed.

But they won't, because then they wouldn't

look like bulldogs.

But we decide what bulldogs look like.

Yeah, exactly.

Our insistence that these dogs

live up to our arbitrary standards

is causing them to get sick and die.

As cute as you think the bulldog is,

the fact that it exists at all

is borderline animal abuse.

(dog whimpers)

It's moments like this I regret meeting you.

(zap)

So, all these dogs are bad, and I shouldn't get one at all?

Ugggh!

No, of course you should.

Just skip the breeder and the pet store

and head on down to your local shelter

to get a cute little mutt.

It'll be 100% all natural dog,

and better yet, you'll be giving a home to a pup

that really needs one.

Oh, that way, I can adopt a pet

and help an animal in need.

Helping animals is what I'm all about.

I even feed the stray cat that lives under my deck, Mr. Bitey.

Oh, feeding stray cats doesn't help animals.

In fact, it helps kill

billions of animals every year.

Attack.

(barking)

Here's your almond milk, Mr. Bitey.

(cat hisses)

(growling)

Don't worry. We'll change to soy.

Oh, this is a real problem.

Yeah, I'm worried he's lactose intolerant.

No, I mean the feral cat population

has spiraled out of control, and it's all our fault.

Here, Mr. Bitey and I will show you.

(zap)

(gasps) Mr. Bitey's a lady?

A lady actor.

A Julliard-trained actor.

The life of a cat is--

Nope, no singing.

Save it for the Winter Garden Theatre.

(hisses)

There are over 70 million pet cats in the U.S.

We love 'em, we cuddle 'em,

and we Snapchat the hell out of 'em.

Unfortunately, some people also let those cats outside.

Whoo! The man finally let me out.

'Sup, Mittens?

Please.

That's my government name.

Yeah, they're wild.

They want to go outside.

Yeah, that's exactly the problem.

Yeow! I'm an outdoor cat now!

I'm wild, baby.

While they're outside, those cats breed.

Who's a feral boy? You're a feral boy.

(both moaning)

(gasps) Mr. Bitey, no!

The average cat can give birth

to as many as 12 kittens a year.

Kittens! Oh...

Uh...

Oh...

And their kittens are born feral.

Put all of that together...

(drum roll)

And there are now as many as 70 million feral cats

living in the U.S.

(Veronica) Eww!

Basically, for every pet cat living inside,

there's a feral cat living outside.

We're an epidemic of hiss-torical proportions.

These cats live tragically short lives.

They suffer from disease, they're hit by cars,

and they get attacked by animals, including other cats.

You're a pussy!

You're a pussy!

(both screeching)

It's okay when they say it.

But what's not okay is that while indoor cats

live about 15 years,

the average outdoor cat dies after just five.

(gasps) That's so sad.

I didn't realize going outside was so bad for cats.

It is, but it's even worse for birds.

Hmm.

(gasps) I love little birdies!

Yeah, so do cats.

Mr. Bitey, no!

But I just fed him... slash-her.

Cats kill birds whether or not they're hungry,

even if they've just been fed.

It's kind of just what we do.

(crunch)

(crow cawing)

A conservative estimate

is that feral cats kill 1.3 billion birds a year.

They've actually driven 20 bird species extinct.

(woman) ♪ In the paws of a kitten ♪

Birds like these pollinate plants and distribute seeds.

They're an essential part of the North American ecosystem,

but cats aren't.

They're an invasive species that's killing native ones.

(woman) ♪ Fly away ♪

♪ Oh, you're dead ♪

Oh, my God.

Bad kitty! (hissing)

(hissing) (hissing)

(squeals) No, it's not the cat's fault.

It's ours.

Our love for cats is what caused this problem.

Humans are the ones who brought cats to this country

and let them outside.

There are even entire groups of people

devoted to supporting feral cat colonies.

Here you go, dearies.

(cats screeching)

(chuckling) Oh!

You're welcome, dearies, heh.

Now, who's got my eye?

As well-intentioned as these folks are,

they're sustaining a population of unhealthy,

unhappy animals that kills a billion birds a year.

So what should we do? Let 70 million cats die?

Murder them all to death? Of course not.

Look, I admit, there is no easy solution

to this problem.

If you have a cat, spay or neuter it,

and please, keep it inside.

That's at least a start.

But meanwhile, we need to face the fact

that our love for animals, if we're not careful,

can do more harm than good.

It's... bad to love animals?

No. No.

No, I help animals.

I donate to charity.

I buy cruelty-free blush,

and I even organized a social media protest

against trophy hunting.

It's changed a lot of profile pictures.

Oh, actually, trophy hunting

could really help endangered animals.

(all hissing)

Oh, I really am a turtle person.

♪

Trophy hunting is good?

What are you talking about?

Trophy hunting is barbaric.

I am against it.

You can tell by my tote bag.

Look, I don't like it any more than you do.

I'm an animal lover, too, see?

This argument is really counterintuitive and, frankly,

kind of difficult to accept,

but I ask that you keep an open mind and hear me out,

because the evidence suggests that, in specific situations,

trophy hunting can really help endangered animals.

But how?

How can killing animals help animals?

Come here, I'll show ya.

(Adam) ...as read by Adam Conover.

Whoa! I'm an ostrich!

I am a frog man, and in Africa,

animals like these are in desperate straits.

Oh, my God. Can I finally talk to animals?

Do... you... love me?

Hey, no touching!

There are only 5,000 of us left alive, you know.

Ugh, I drink 50 gallons of water a day,

and I'm not as thirsty as this girl.

And the real threat to these animals

isn't trophy hunters.

'Sup? Ahem!

I'm a rich bro

who takes occasional hunting trips to Africa.

What can I say?

Kablammin' rare mammals makes me feel like a man.

(gunshot) Meant to do that.

Judge this dweeb all you want,

but he's not why these animals are at risk of dying out.

The real threats are loss of habitat and poaching.

We're a criminal cartel

that systematically kills thousands of animals a year.

We cut off the horns and tusks

and sell them to foreign businessmen.

I shot Babar right through the heart, for money.

(laughing maniacally)

Poachers are organized, they're ruthless,

and they are decimating animal populations.

In some countries, rhino horn is believed

to cure cancer and even hangovers,

and sells for $28,000 a pound.

That's more than gold or cocaine.

(sniffs) Ahh.

Uck! That's awful!

Why don't the locals stop them?

Well, they're kinda busy, you know, living their lives.

Yeah, I got a family to feed.

Why should I waste time protecting a frickin' lion?

In his defense, I do eat his livestock on the regs.

Heck, sometimes I attack adults and children.

(gulp) Hey!

And just as harmful to animal populations

is the habitat loss caused by farming.

These animals are literally running out of places to live.

So, some African nations came up with a plan.

They took advantage of the existing demand

for trophy hunting...

I would like to bazooka one rhinoceros, please.

...and used it to fund animal conservation.

Fine. There's an aggressive male who's too old to breed,

has attacked three people, and killed five other rhinos.

He's basically an ass (bleep).

You can shoot him for... $350,000.

Deal! This is what I choose to spend my money on

for some reason.

Here's your receipt and your

"I'm a Rich Jerk Who Shoots Rhinos" tote bag.

What the hell? He's gonna kill a rhino.

Yes, but we're going to use that money

to save more rhinos.

Say whaaaaat?!

Yeah, in Namibia, revenue from trophy hunting

is the main way they fund new wildlife conservancies.

And in South Africa, a portion of the proceeds

from trophy hunting is given directly

to local land owners, and that incentivizes them

to give the rhinos land to live on

and to protect them from poachers.

Hey! Stay away from those rhinos!

They're worth more alive than dead!

Breed, my little moneybags, breed.

But he's keeping them alive so they can be hunted!

Absolutely true, but still, this system works.

One-third of all white rhinos in South Africa

now live on private land,

and their population has gone from just 100

to more than 18,000.

I'm so confused!

You know ostriches don't really do that, right?

(muffled) I don't care!

It feels good.

Veronica, I understand that this is hard to believe.

I had a tough time with it, too.

But then I talked to Rosie Cooney,

the chair of the Sustainable Use and Livelihood Specialist Group

of the International Union for the Conservation of Nature.

Whew! Glad I got through that whole title.

It's true, Veronica.

Trophy hunting can be a valuable part of conservation efforts,

even if you find hunting distasteful.

It's not the hunters running these programs.

It's the government agencies

or sometimes even conservation groups themselves.

The hunters' motives don't really matter.

The money they generate

can really help the animals who need it.

(Veronica) But how do I know the money is going to the right place?

Well, that's a good question.

Like any program where there's a lot of corruption

or where things are badly managed,

these programs don't work well at all.

But that doesn't change the fact that when they are well-managed,

these programs can be a huge help for wildlife conservation.

In Namibia, for example,

100% of the hunting concession fees

go straight to the local communities.

It's been a huge success.

I don't know.

I still think that we should ban trophy hunting

and find another way to help these animals.

Sorry, but that's not a great idea.

Many countries are depending on this revenue to protect animals,

to pay the game guards, to buy the vehicles.

What happens if that money dries up?

It's very easy for us in the developed world

to judge how other countries should manage their animals,

but should it be our decision?

Or should it be up to the communities

who live with these animals every day?

Hunting is a really important source of conservation revenue,

even where you are, Veronica, in the U.S.

Hunting fees generate around $200 million a year,

which for many states is their primary source

of conservation funding.

If we banned all trophy hunting everywhere,

right now, it would do way more harm than good.

Bye, guys!

Yeah, thank you! Bye!

Oh, man. Fun way to travel.

(rifle cocks, gunshot)

Okay, stop!

I don't care how much good it does,

I hate that anyone would be allowed to kill an animal!

I just want to stop them from suffering.

Why is killing them the only solution?

I know it's hard.

We love these animals so much,

we can't imagine any benefit coming from their deaths.

It just seems wrong.

But you know what's worse than one animal

getting killed by a hunter?

Hundreds of thousands being wiped out by poaching

and loss of habitat.

The truth is, in some nations,

the regulated hunting of a few individuals

is helping to save entire species.

So, cute animals have to die... to live?

Well, I guess that's one way of putting it.

(ominous music)

(gasping and whimpering)

(shrieking)

I'm doing this for your own good.

Uhh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'll tell you how cuteness can help animals

right after this.

Fine! Everything cute is bad.

Puppies are genetic monsters,

kittens are bird slayers,

and the only way to save endangered species

is to shoot them in the face.

I wanted to help cute animals,

but I guess I'm just ruining everything!

Oh, then you're a lot like me.

How dare you?

Veronica, the fact that you find animals so cute

is a wonderful quality.

It is?

Of course.

Cuteness is the emotion that makes us

want to nurture and protect things,

so we just need to expand our notion of what we find cute.

Like, instead of genetically manipulating dogs

for our own amusement,

we should decide that we find

all shapes and sizes of dog cute,

and rescue mutts from local shelters.

(dog whimpering)

Aww. Yeah.

And instead of giving strays

and feral cats all the attention,

we need to think more about these adorable songbirds.

They're cute, too, and they need our help.

I love his song.

My favorite part is the chirp.

And you know what?

Yeah, elephants, rhinos, and lions need protection,

but so do a lot of other, less traditionally cute animals.

For instance, the critically endangered

American burying beetle.

They bury rodent carcasses in the dirt

and then lay their eggs in them,

which helps plants grow.

That's not cute.

Well, not to everybody,

but if we decide they're cute enough to save,

we can help preserve an important part of the ecosystem.

So, tell you what, let's cute-ify that beetle!

Ohh, a plushie!

Yeah.

You can learn more about these disgustingly adorable

little guys at SaveTheLittleBugs.org.

You're right.

If you look at it the right way,

even the most unattractive thing can be cute.

Funny, that's what my mom always said growing up. Hmm.

Well, I hope I didn't ruin your dog day, Veronica.

No... I know exactly what dog I'm gonna get.

♪

I think I'm gonna name you...

Cutiepie.

What do you think, Mr. Bitey?

I'm... not speaking to you right now!

Ooh!

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