All language subtitles for Adam Ruins Everything s01e17 Animals.eng

♪

(sighs)

Today's the day.

Today's the day,
Mr. Bitey.

Don't worry,
I'll still feed you.

(cat hisses)

(growling)

(traffic noise)

This is for you.

And this is for you.

You know he can't
use that, right?

He doesn't
understand commerce.

(bell dings)

Good morning, Veronica.

Just here to let all the dogs
lick your face again?

Nope!

Today's the day I'm finally
buying my own dog,

and I'll love it,
and it'll love me,

and it'll take care of me
when I'm old.

Okay.

Aw, these dogs are so cute.

The Dalmatian
is so spotty.

The corgi is so smiley.

And the bulldog's face
is so smashy

and his skin is so loosey,
and here's a big old sausage.

These are the best dogs.

Actually, these
are the worst dogs.

Adam? Are you--

No!

You're not gonna do an episode
on animals, are you?

Yeah, I am, and it's
gonna be "ruff."

Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this
is "Adam Ruins Everything."

♪

Adam, why are you
ruining dogs?

Are you not
a dog person?

Mm, I'm more of
a turtle person.

They're nature's
perfect friend,

'cause they can
never run away.

Adam, I don't
have time for this.

Today's the day
I'm finally buying

a cute little
fluffy gosh-oh...

(baby gibberish)

Dog.

I just have to pick
which breed.

Sorry, but not only
are purebred dogs

riddled with genetic disease,

dog breeds aren't
even a real thing.

We made them up.

What?

We talk about dog breeds

as though God
created them that way.

And on the 788th day,
God created the corgi.

And he was a good boy.

(Adam)
And as though every mutt

were just a mix
of different purebreds.

Miles is one-eighth terrier,
a quarter spaniel, half-collie,

and, according
to an old family legend,

his great-great-grandfather
was a dire wolf.

(Adam)
But that's backwards.

Mutts are dogs
in their natural state.

Humans have lived
with domesticated dogs for over 10,000 years,

but so called pure-bred
dogs didn't even exist

until just 150 years ago.

Wait, really?
Where do they come from?

The fact is,
pure breeding is a form of genetic manipulation

humans made up just
to amuse ourselves.

In 19th century
Victorian England,

eugenics was all the rage,

and competitive dog breeding
became a weird, fancy fad.

I made a dog
with super loose skin.

I made one
with a super flat,

(bleep)-up face.

Oh, now,
that is disturbing.

I'm your god now.

Once these Dr. Frankensteins
were satisfied,

they dubbed their little
monsters "pure breeds"

and used kennel clubs to enforce
their bizarre standards.

(thunder crashes)
Behold my newest creation.

The corgi.

A corgi is 10 to 12 inches
tall with a foxy head,

wide, flat skull,
and non-sly expression,

so if your dog looks sly,

it's a poser freak,
and it's out of the club!

(thunder crashes)

That's all
a corgi really is.

An arbitrary definition
made up by a weirdo.

Okay, but when you
get a purebred,

you get a good,
healthy dog, right?

Nope! When you hear
"purebred,"

you should think "inbred."

Inbred?
Like a hot dog?

Adorable, but no.

Kennel clubs
prohibit purebred dogs

from mating outside
their breed, and often,

they're mated members
of their own family,

making the average pug
as inbred as an Austrian duke.

My blood is very pure.

(groans, thud)

Well, maybe inbreeding
is not that bad.

We concur--
inbreeding is quite natural,

isn't it, sister?

(both)
Mm... mm... mm...

Ugh, definitely not.

The sad truth is,
purebred dogs suffer

from disturbingly high rates
of genetic disease.

It's because of a problem called
the genetic bottleneck.

Here to explain
is Dr. Kirk Lohmueller,

professor of evolution at UCLA.

(Professor Lohmueller)
Hi, Adam.

Here's the problem
with pure breeding.

When species breed
in the wild,

they can exist
in large populations

and can mate randomly.

This ensures a nice,
healthy distribution

of genetic variation.

But when humans
started pure breeding dogs,

we had them mate over and over
again with their relatives

to get a specific look.

When we artificially limited
the gene pool in that way,

we created a genetic bottleneck.

As the same
small gene pool is spread

between more and more dogs,

diseases that would normally
be rare become inevitable.

But wouldn't a good breeder
only mate the healthy ones?

Like, "No thanks,
weird scrub dog.

You're not having sex
with no one."

Well, you can try.

(eraser squeaking)

But if you don't increase
the size of the gene pool,

you're gonna keep creating
abnormal dogs.

Tiny physical defects,
like smaller noses, for example,

might get
worse and worse over time,

until it becomes impossible
for the dog to breathe.

(dog rasping)

The reality is, pure breeding
leads to unhealthy dogs.

I hate
this class.

Thanks, Kirk!

Bye, guys.

And those diseases
are real serious.

60% of golden retrievers
die of cancer.

An estimated 95%
of King Charles spaniels

have skulls that are too
small for their brains.

Pugs' faces are so flat,
they reverse sneeze.

Great Danes are so huge,
they get bone tumors

from supporting
their own weight.

And as for toy breeds,

have you ever seen a little
tiny dog that looked happy?

They know there's something
wrong with them,

and they know
that we did it to them.

(Spanish accent)
I'm a freak, on a leash!

And now, we come
to the English bulldog.

Aw, so cute.

Yeah, he is.

If you find total
genetic failure cute.

(whimpering)

The bulldog
was once a proud breed,

but a century of extreme
breeding has ruined them.

Their noses are so squashed,
they can barely breathe.

Their heads are so big, they're
usually born by C-section.

Their tails
can become ingrown.

They basically all
have hip dysplasia,

and their average life
expectancy is six years.

Frankly, it's surprising
these dogs can even survive.

What?

Oliver here won
best in show.

More like best
in the freak show.

The sad part is, all
of the bulldog's problems would be solved

if breeders would just
allow them to crossbreed.

But they won't,
because then they wouldn't

look like bulldogs.

But we decide
what bulldogs look like.

Yeah, exactly.

Our insistence
that these dogs

live up to our
arbitrary standards

is causing them
to get sick and die.

As cute as you think
the bulldog is,

the fact that
it exists at all

is borderline
animal abuse.

(dog whimpers)

It's moments like this
I regret meeting you.

(zap)

So, all these dogs are bad,
and I shouldn't get one at all?

Ugggh!

No, of course you should.

Just skip the breeder
and the pet store

and head on down
to your local shelter

to get a cute little mutt.

It'll be 100%
all natural dog,

and better yet, you'll be
giving a home to a pup

that really needs one.

Oh, that way,
I can adopt a pet

and help an animal
in need.

Helping animals
is what I'm all about.

I even feed the stray cat that
lives under my deck, Mr. Bitey.

Oh, feeding stray cats
doesn't help animals.

In fact, it helps kill

billions of animals
every year.

Attack.

(barking)

Here's your almond milk,
Mr. Bitey.

(cat hisses)

(growling)

Don't worry.
We'll change to soy.

Oh, this
is a real problem.

Yeah, I'm worried
he's lactose intolerant.

No, I mean
the feral cat population

has spiraled out of control,
and it's all our fault.

Here, Mr. Bitey and I
will show you.

(zap)

(gasps)
Mr. Bitey's a lady?

A lady actor.

A Julliard-trained actor.

The life of a cat is--

Nope, no singing.

Save it for
the Winter Garden Theatre.

(hisses)

There are over 70 million
pet cats in the U.S.

We love 'em, we cuddle 'em,

and we Snapchat
the hell out of 'em.

Unfortunately, some people
also let those cats outside.

Whoo! The man
finally let me out.

'Sup, Mittens?

Please.

That's my
government name.

Yeah, they're wild.

They want to go outside.

Yeah, that's
exactly the problem.

Yeow!
I'm an outdoor cat now!

I'm wild, baby.

While they're outside,
those cats breed.

Who's a feral boy?
You're a feral boy.

(both moaning)

(gasps)
Mr. Bitey, no!

The average cat
can give birth

to as many
as 12 kittens a year.

Kittens! Oh...

Uh...

Oh...

And their kittens
are born feral.

Put all of that together...

(drum roll)

And there are now as many
as 70 million feral cats

living in the U.S.

(Veronica)
Eww!

Basically, for every
pet cat living inside,

there's a feral cat
living outside.

We're an epidemic of
hiss-torical proportions.

These cats live
tragically short lives.

They suffer from disease,
they're hit by cars,

and they get attacked by
animals, including other cats.

You're a pussy!

You're a pussy!

(both screeching)

It's okay
when they say it.

But what's not okay
is that while indoor cats

live about 15 years,

the average outdoor cat
dies after just five.

(gasps)
That's so sad.

I didn't realize going outside
was so bad for cats.

It is, but it's
even worse for birds.

Hmm.

(gasps)
I love little birdies!

Yeah, so do cats.

Mr. Bitey, no!

But I just fed him...
slash-her.

Cats kill birds whether
or not they're hungry,

even if they've
just been fed.

It's kind of just
what we do.

(crunch)

(crow cawing)

A conservative estimate

is that feral cats kill
1.3 billion birds a year.

They've actually driven
20 bird species extinct.

(woman)
♪ In the paws of a kitten ♪

Birds like these pollinate
plants and distribute seeds.

They're an essential part
of the North American ecosystem,

but cats aren't.

They're an invasive species
that's killing native ones.

(woman)
♪ Fly away ♪

♪ Oh, you're dead ♪

Oh, my God.

Bad kitty!
(hissing)

(hissing)
(hissing)

(squeals)
No, it's not the cat's fault.

It's ours.

Our love for cats
is what caused this problem.

Humans are the ones who
brought cats to this country

and let them outside.

There are even
entire groups of people

devoted to supporting
feral cat colonies.

Here you go, dearies.

(cats screeching)

(chuckling)
Oh!

You're welcome,
dearies, heh.

Now, who's got my eye?

As well-intentioned
as these folks are,

they're sustaining
a population of unhealthy,

unhappy animals that kills
a billion birds a year.

So what should we do?
Let 70 million cats die?

Murder them all to death?
Of course not.

Look, I admit,
there is no easy solution

to this problem.

If you have a cat,
spay or neuter it,

and please, keep it inside.

That's at least a start.

But meanwhile,
we need to face the fact

that our love for animals,
if we're not careful,

can do more harm than good.

It's...
bad to love animals?

No.
No.

No, I help animals.

I donate to charity.

I buy cruelty-free blush,

and I even organized
a social media protest

against trophy hunting.

It's changed a lot
of profile pictures.

Oh, actually,
trophy hunting

could really help
endangered animals.

(all hissing)

Oh, I really am
a turtle person.

♪

Trophy hunting is good?

What are you talking about?

Trophy hunting is barbaric.

I am against it.

You can tell
by my tote bag.

Look, I don't like it
any more than you do.

I'm an animal lover,
too, see?

This argument is really
counterintuitive and, frankly,

kind of difficult to accept,

but I ask that you keep
an open mind and hear me out,

because the evidence suggests
that, in specific situations,

trophy hunting can really help
endangered animals.

But how?

How can killing animals
help animals?

Come here, I'll show ya.

(Adam)
...as read by Adam Conover.

Whoa!
I'm an ostrich!

I am a frog man,
and in Africa,

animals like these
are in desperate straits.

Oh, my God.
Can I finally talk to animals?

Do... you...
love me?

Hey, no touching!

There are only 5,000 of us
left alive, you know.

Ugh, I drink 50 gallons
of water a day,

and I'm not as thirsty
as this girl.

And the real threat
to these animals

isn't trophy hunters.

'Sup? Ahem!

I'm a rich bro

who takes occasional
hunting trips to Africa.

What can I say?

Kablammin' rare mammals
makes me feel like a man.

(gunshot)
Meant to do that.

Judge this dweeb
all you want,

but he's not why these animals
are at risk of dying out.

The real threats are loss
of habitat and poaching.

We're a criminal cartel

that systematically kills
thousands of animals a year.

We cut off the horns
and tusks

and sell them
to foreign businessmen.

I shot Babar right
through the heart, for money.

(laughing maniacally)

Poachers are organized,
they're ruthless,

and they are decimating
animal populations.

In some countries,
rhino horn is believed

to cure cancer
and even hangovers,

and sells
for $28,000 a pound.

That's more than gold
or cocaine.

(sniffs)
Ahh.

Uck! That's awful!

Why don't
the locals stop them?

Well, they're kinda busy,
you know, living their lives.

Yeah, I got
a family to feed.

Why should I waste time
protecting a frickin' lion?

In his defense, I do eat
his livestock on the regs.

Heck, sometimes
I attack adults and children.

(gulp)
Hey!

And just as harmful
to animal populations

is the habitat loss
caused by farming.

These animals are literally
running out of places to live.

So, some African nations
came up with a plan.

They took advantage
of the existing demand

for trophy hunting...

I would like to bazooka
one rhinoceros, please.

...and used it to fund
animal conservation.

Fine. There's an aggressive male
who's too old to breed,

has attacked three people,
and killed five other rhinos.

He's basically
an ass (bleep).

You can shoot him
for... $350,000.

Deal! This is what I choose
to spend my money on

for some reason.

Here's your receipt
and your

"I'm a Rich Jerk Who
Shoots Rhinos" tote bag.

What the hell?
He's gonna kill a rhino.

Yes, but we're going
to use that money

to save more rhinos.

Say whaaaaat?!

Yeah, in Namibia,
revenue from trophy hunting

is the main way they fund
new wildlife conservancies.

And in South Africa,
a portion of the proceeds

from trophy hunting
is given directly

to local land owners,
and that incentivizes them

to give the rhinos
land to live on

and to protect them
from poachers.

Hey! Stay away
from those rhinos!

They're worth more alive
than dead!

Breed, my little
moneybags, breed.

But he's keeping them alive
so they can be hunted!

Absolutely true, but still,
this system works.

One-third of all white rhinos
in South Africa

now live on private land,

and their population
has gone from just 100

to more than 18,000.

I'm so confused!

You know ostriches don't
really do that, right?

(muffled)
I don't care!

It feels good.

Veronica, I understand
that this is hard to believe.

I had a tough time
with it, too.

But then I talked
to Rosie Cooney,

the chair of the Sustainable Use
and Livelihood Specialist Group

of the International Union
for the Conservation of Nature.

Whew! Glad I got through
that whole title.

It's true, Veronica.

Trophy hunting can be a valuable
part of conservation efforts,

even if you find hunting
distasteful.

It's not the hunters
running these programs.

It's the government agencies

or sometimes even
conservation groups themselves.

The hunters' motives
don't really matter.

The money they generate

can really help
the animals who need it.

(Veronica)
But how do I know the money is going to the right place?

Well,
that's a good question.

Like any program where
there's a lot of corruption

or where things
are badly managed,

these programs
don't work well at all.

But that doesn't change the fact
that when they are well-managed,

these programs can be a huge
help for wildlife conservation.

In Namibia, for example,

100% of the hunting
concession fees

go straight
to the local communities.

It's been a huge success.

I don't know.

I still think that we
should ban trophy hunting

and find another way
to help these animals.

Sorry, but that's
not a great idea.

Many countries are depending on
this revenue to protect animals,

to pay the game guards,
to buy the vehicles.

What happens
if that money dries up?

It's very easy for us
in the developed world

to judge how other countries
should manage their animals,

but should it be
our decision?

Or should it be
up to the communities

who live with these animals
every day?

Hunting is a really important
source of conservation revenue,

even where you are,
Veronica, in the U.S.

Hunting fees generate around
$200 million a year,

which for many states
is their primary source

of conservation funding.

If we banned
all trophy hunting everywhere,

right now, it would do
way more harm than good.

Bye, guys!

Yeah, thank you!
Bye!

Oh, man.
Fun way to travel.

(rifle cocks,
gunshot)

Okay, stop!

I don't care
how much good it does,

I hate that anyone would be
allowed to kill an animal!

I just want to stop them
from suffering.

Why is killing them
the only solution?

I know it's hard.

We love these animals
so much,

we can't imagine any benefit
coming from their deaths.

It just seems wrong.

But you know what's worse
than one animal

getting killed by a hunter?

Hundreds of thousands
being wiped out by poaching

and loss of habitat.

The truth is,
in some nations,

the regulated hunting
of a few individuals

is helping to save
entire species.

So, cute animals
have to die... to live?

Well, I guess that's
one way of putting it.

(ominous music)

(gasping and whimpering)

(shrieking)

I'm doing this
for your own good.

Uhh!

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

I'll tell you how
cuteness can help animals

right after this.

Fine!
Everything cute is bad.

Puppies are
genetic monsters,

kittens are bird slayers,

and the only way to save
endangered species

is to shoot them
in the face.

I wanted to help
cute animals,

but I guess
I'm just ruining everything!

Oh, then you're
a lot like me.

How dare you?

Veronica, the fact
that you find animals so cute

is a wonderful quality.

It is?

Of course.

Cuteness is the emotion
that makes us

want to nurture
and protect things,

so we just need to expand
our notion of what we find cute.

Like, instead of
genetically manipulating dogs

for our own amusement,

we should decide
that we find

all shapes and sizes
of dog cute,

and rescue mutts
from local shelters.

(dog whimpering)

Aww.
Yeah.

And instead
of giving strays

and feral cats
all the attention,

we need to think more about
these adorable songbirds.

They're cute, too,
and they need our help.

I love his song.

My favorite part
is the chirp.

And you know what?

Yeah, elephants, rhinos,
and lions need protection,

but so do a lot of other,
less traditionally cute animals.

For instance,
the critically endangered

American burying beetle.

They bury rodent carcasses
in the dirt

and then lay
their eggs in them,

which helps plants grow.

That's not cute.

Well, not to everybody,

but if we decide they're
cute enough to save,

we can help preserve an
important part of the ecosystem.

So, tell you what,
let's cute-ify that beetle!

Ohh, a plushie!

Yeah.

You can learn more about
these disgustingly adorable

little guys
at SaveTheLittleBugs.org.

You're right.

If you look at it
the right way,

even the most unattractive
thing can be cute.

Funny, that's what my mom
always said growing up. Hmm.

Well, I hope I didn't
ruin your dog day, Veronica.

No... I know exactly
what dog I'm gonna get.

♪

I think
I'm gonna name you...

Cutiepie.

What do you think,
Mr. Bitey?

I'm... not speaking
to you right now!

Ooh!

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