All language subtitles for Little Nicky 2000 1080p Remastered BluRay HEVC x265 5.1 BONE-eng

Let me show you what I made today.

I can't wait.

I need to go upstairs and change,

and then I'll start dinner.

Okay.

Okay.

Ooh, showtime.

Rough day at the office, Mrs. Dunleavy?

You'll feel better once you
get out of those work clothes

and into some sweats.

Ooh.

Oh, I wish you'd let me rub those feet.

Of course, I wouldn't use my hands.

Oh.

I think Victoria just told me her secret.

Oh.

Oh, my deedly dee. Are
those things for me?

Oh.

Mom, I'm coming in.

Oh, Scottie Dunleavy?

What unfortunate timing.

Get out!

Don't you know this is naughty time?

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hello, Scottie.

Say, why don't you be a good little boy,

go downstairs, let your
mother get comfy, all right?

Who is this?

This is a big bird,

who wants to see the rest of Mommy.

Oh. Oh.

- Oh my God, Scottie. Is
that a man up our tree?

No, no. Tell her it's a bird.

It's just a big bird.

Hey, pal. Welcome.

Welcome to what? Where am I?

Aren't you that horny guy

who was pretending to be a big bird,

checking out that beautiful mom?

Yes, I am.

Now you're gonna see

what a big horny bird
actually looks like in Hell!

No, no, no, no!

I deserve this! I deserve this!

Knock, knock.

Hey, Jimmy.

What are you doing, Nicky?

I'm just jamming.

- Your father wants to
see you and your brothers

down in the throne room.

He's not retiring today, is he?

- He just wants to talk to
you and Cassius and Adrian

about who's gonna rule Hell
for the next 10,000 years.

Well, what do I need to go for?

He's not gonna pick me.

- I happen to think
you'd make a great devil.

No, I'm not into evil and torture

and all that stuff.

Plus, the Prince of Darkness

should have sort of a
distinguished look to him,

and let's face facts.

I'm no George Clooney.

- You know, you're not a
bad-looking guy, Nicky.

Look at you in that picture.

Yeah, I used to talk normal, too,

but that was before my brother Cassius

hit me in the face with a shovel.

That's me now, and I accept it.

Well, your brothers are

two of the sickest guys I have ever seen.

For some reason, you're not.
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, their mothers were fire dragons

and my mother was a goat,

so how am I gonna compete with that?

Your mother was not a goat.

Your brothers are just playing with you.

- Either way, if one of
those psychos gets picked,

I'm doomed.

I knew it,
Adrian. He's finally retiring.

- Cassius, I've been waiting
on this day for 10,000 years.

- If the old man picks
me to take over Hell,

I'm gonna keep torture going 24/7.

No breaks.

Mama!

Ooh, you got him right in the eye.

Hey.

Oh.

How's Daddy's
little girl doing today?

- Oh, I didn't see you
guys over there. What's up?

- Hey, shovel face,
you wanna mind wrestle?

Actually, nah, I'm all right.

I was thinking of
chilling out by the throne

for a little bit.

I'm gonna mind wrestle you

whether you like it or not.

Well, I have to warn you,

I'm getting pretty good at it.

Then I guess
I can't make you do this.

Okay. Mercy.

You win. I give.

Game over.

What are you boys doing?

Nothing, Dad.

Just hitting the old punching bags.

Cassius, didn't I tell you

to stay out of your brother's mind?

I forgot.

Maybe this will help you remember.

Now, everybody, come sit down.

Hey, Dad.

Yes, son?

I know you got a lot on your mind,

but I've almost finished that

Monsters of Metal compilation tape.

I really think it's
turning into a masterpiece.

Okay, kid. We'll listen to it later.

Thanks. Thanks.

Oh, a window.

Hello, Mr. Devil. I like your cape.

I deserve this!

Fellas, this, as some of you might know,

is my 10,000th year as Prince of Darkness,

so I think the time has come

to discuss who will succeed me.

Knock, knock.

Yes, Jimmy?

Don't forget.

You're shoving a pineapple
up Hitler's ass at 4:00 p. m.

This was a very difficult decision,

because I have three wonderful sons.

I mean, Adrian, so smart, so ruthless.

Wears makeup.

And, Cassius, so strong, so tough.

Don't forget clinically insane.

And, Nicky,

such a sweet boy.

But, after much thought
and careful consideration,

I've decided that the ruler
for the next 10,000 years

is going to have to be...

Me.

What?

Hallelujah.

I mean, that sucks.

- The important thing for
the stability of our rule

is to maintain the balance
between good and evil,

and I don't think any of you

are ready for that responsibility yet.

Dad, this is bullshit!

I don't like that language.

Ahem.

Right, right. Send him in.

Sorry, boys. I have to get back to work.

Well, it was
good hanging with you, Dad.

I'll check you later.

Mhm.

You're schnerious?

Off, off, off, off, off.

Damn!

20,000 years ago, Grandpa Lucifer said,

"It's better to rule in Hell
than it is to serve in Heaven. "

Well, I'm tired of serving in Hell.

We need somewhere where we can rule.

- Bring it on, big man.
Let's see what you got.

Could you concentrate for five seconds?

I am concentrating, man.

I'm sorry.

After careful consideration,
I must respectfully decline.

I can't stand retirement.

Come on. Just let me win one Super Bowl.

- In exchange for eternal
damnation of your soul?

You're much too nice a guy

for me to want to do
that to you, Mr. Marino.

You did it for Namath.

Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.

This sucks.

I'll just go to the Super
Bowl as an announcer,

and I'll win myself an Emmy!

That's the spirit!

You're a good devil, Dad.

And I also happen to be a Jets fan.

What do you think about Earth?

We could create our own hell there.

- Are you saying we can go
up there and kill everyone?

Eventually, Cassius, but, first,

we'd have to corrupt as
many souls as we can,

so that when we do destroy them-

Their damned souls will be ours.

It's our time, brother.

This is not good. This is not good.

Fellas, what are you doing?

We're leaving.

You can't go through there!

The fire flows in, not out!

You really suck!

Your Evilness! Your Evilness!

Cassius and Adrian have escaped from Hell.

They went out through the
fire and they froze it.

I tried to stop them, sir,
but they overpowered me.

Calm down. Get off your knees.

- Thank you for being so
understanding, Your Wickedness.

You're the man. You've
always been the man.

I've always said that.

Are there boobs on my head?

Yeah, big ones.

What's going on, Dad?

I'm going to die, Nicky.

If the gates are broken.
no new souls can get in,

which means I'll start to
deteriorate into nothing.

No. No.

What's with all those noises?

Everything's fine, Pop.

- Everything's fine? Who
are you bullshitting?

The last time you said
everything was fine,

the Renaissance happened.

Please, Pop. Go back to your room.

Hey, can I take him with me?

Sure, Pop. Whatever you want.

Tit-head, go with my father.

- Not a damn soul is
gonna get through that.

This fire is solid as rock.

We gotta get this bad boy burning again.

To do that, Cassius and Adrian

have to come back through the other way.

So go get 'em, Dad.

I'm too weak.

The process has already begun.

So go get 'em, Jimmy!

- I'm just a demon. I don't
have devil blood in me.

I wouldn't last two minutes

with your brothers up there.

Are you saying it's up to me?

- You said no souls
could get through that.

Nicky, are you a soul

or are you the spawn of Satan?

I never been to Earth, Dad.

I never even slept over at
some other dude's house.

- Nicky, the worst thing
that could happen on Earth

is you get killed, in which case, boom,

you end up back here.

So you're saying I need to go to Earth

and kill my brothers?

- No go. They left together
at the exact same time.

They gotta come back together
at the exact same time.

Here.

Get them to drink from this.

One sip and they'll be trapped inside.

Once you've got both of them,

you bring the flask back through the gate.

Let me, sir.

Gross!

He's got less than a week.

Dad, I don't know if I can do this.

Son,

try your best.

Earth.

It doesn't look too bad.

You were gone 10 seconds. What happened?

I got hit by this big light

that was attached to a lot of metal.

- That's a train, son. Don't
stand in front of them.

- Well, I'll have to take
a mulligan on this one.

Please, Nicky, get back up there.

All right.

I'll get that for you, sir.

I'm Nicky.

That's terrific.

Now get off the track and
come with me, handsome.

Okay.

- Welcome to Grand Central
Station in New York City.

My name is Beefy.

I'm an old friend of your father's.

He asked me to help you out.

- I just want to find my
brothers and be on my way.

It's not gonna be easy.

Your brothers can possess people,

so they probably won't
look like themselves.

You have to be suspicious of everyone.

All right, bro.

Well, the jig is up, then.

Get in the flask.

Come on. Slide right on in.

It ain't me, moron.

Sorry, I,

- Now, there's
this blind guy outside

you might think is possessed,
but he's just crazy.

Okay.

- Though I cannot see
with these blind eyes,

I know the good Lord still loves me.

He loves all of his children.

Why, he loves you.

That's him.

And he loves you.

Here he goes.

You make the Lord very nervous.

All right.

I'm burning now.

Take it easy.

Hellfire is burning me alive!

He's burning.

Burning me!

The beast is alive! He's among us!

Clear the streets!

The Devil is here!

Making friends already.

- I don't know what
that guy's problem was.

It's freezing up here.

You're in the human world now, kid.

You're gonna feel a lot of new
things you never felt before.

Let's get you some warm
clothes and some hot food.

Yeah.

Put it in your mouth.

Now move your teeth up and down.

Up and down.

Good, numb nuts.

Now you gotta swallow it.

Tilt your head back

and let the meat slide
down your throat hole.

Easy. Don't choke.

Popeyes Chicken is fucking awesome.

Now, eat up. You're
gonna need your energy.

I got energy up the ying-yang.

Let's go save Dad.

Adrian! Cassius!

Oh, boy.

So nice.

Hey.

Hey.

I like your brassiere.

Oh. Thank you.

- Could you guys maybe not
tell anyone about this?

Yeah. You got it.

Do you mind maybe not
telling anybody about this?

You got it.

Look, sidewalk equals safety.

Middle of the road equals death.

From now on, I'm just gonna try to avoid

all moving metal objects.

Great.

Now. your father gave
me some deposit money

for a nice pad on the Upper East Side,

but I misplaced it.

I'm wasted!

So I found this other joint for you,

but you're gonna have a roommate.

There's only one thing better

than drinking an ice-cold whiskey sour

on a hot Alabama night,

and that's telling the truth.

I know what you think about me, Grandma.

You think I'm worthless.

You think I'm a stumble-bum

who ain't never gonna amount to anything.

Well, old woman, you are wrong!

You are wrong.

Hello, friend. My name is Nicky.

I understand you are seeking a roommate,

as per your ad in the Village Voice.

Would it be possible
for me to fill the slot?

Don't you wanna know what rent is?

Yes.

What is rent?

It's $1,200, split down the middle.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, I
rehearse with my scene partner,

so the living room's gonna be off-limits.

Off-limits.

Aren't you boiling hot in that outfit?

No.

It's like 80 degrees in this hallway.

Where are you from, the South?

Yes.

The Deep South.

Why is that funny?

I don't know.

- Okay, and sorry, guy,
but no doggies allowed.

Go on, big day tomorrow,

and don't forget to do that
sleep thing I told you about.

Gotcha.

You're not my brother, are you?

I'm an only child.

Oh.

You love acting.

I love pissing.

Oh my God!

In today's gospel, the Lord tells us

how we should live

if we wish to attain
the splendor of Heaven

or something like that.

Jesus this. Moses that.

Abraham hit me with a wiffle ball bat.

Yep, the Lord sure did say

a lot of hibbity jibbity bibbity swibbity,

but has he ever really done
anything for any of us?

Has he ever put a Jaguar
XJR in my driveway?

No.

I love that car.

- Has the Lord given any
of my enemies the herpes?

The herpes?

No.

- The Lord gave my son the
strength to get off drugs.

Ma'am, I know your son,

and, believe me, he was
better off on the drugs.

At least when he was smoking hashish,

he used to make me laugh occasionally.

After we tried for many years,

the Lord finally helped
my wife conceive a baby.

No, no, no.

Your best friend Fitzie helped
your wife conceive a baby.

He helped her conceive it all night long.

Hey, hey, hey.

How about you, Mayor?

Has the Lord ever done anything for you?

Well, you know,

I wish I could think of something,

but, to be honest with you, I can't.

I can't think of a damn
thing he's ever done for me!

Kind of makes you wonder
if there even is a Lord,

if there even is an ultimate punishment

for our so-called sins.

Why don't we all just have fun

and do whatever the hell we want?

Hey, hey!

Let the sin begin!

"Let the sin
begin. " That was a good one.

This is so much fun!

I never want it to end.

Why should it
end? Who's gonna stop us?

- Come on, there's like 10
million people in this city,

and the clock is ticking.

Well, let's rock and roll, then.

Get in the flask.

I'm not thirsty!

Cassius, I gotta show you!

Cassius, get in the flask.

Get in the flask.

Get in the flask.

May I help you?

Get in the flask.

What are you talking about, man?

- I'm talking about an
eight-piece. Let's go.

- Look, it's okay for me
to shit in the street,

but you gotta use a toilet.

Okay.

Nicky, where are you?

Oh, come on.

What's he doing now?

Just get in the flask. I gotta get Adrian.

Gary's so hairy.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, ooh!

All that chasing and running around

is making me wanna do
the sleep thing again.

Kid, I like your enthusiasm,

but I think we have to work on

narrowing down our list of suspects.

Now, I'm gonna go check in

with some of my contacts uptown.

Yeah.

- Kid's got a lot of evil in
him just begging to come out.

I will eat your heart.

There's our man.

Well, Mr. Sleepyhead

must have some major
ties to the dark side.

What's with that guy?

- It's gotta be one of his
disciples or something.

My man's into deep nocturnal shit.

Woo!

Yo, man, I think that devil guy

just got ripped off.

Should we wake him up?

Yeah. You do it.

Rise and shine, devil guy.

Some dude just stole your shit.

What? Where?

Which way did he go?

That way.

Thanks.

Give me back my flask!

Did you check out the dragon mouth?

The Dark Prince is here.

- Check out my stuff.
- I got a coat only used twice.

I got a pepper shaker.

I got a silver doodad from Africa.

Hey.

See something you like, my man?

Yes. I would like my flask back.

You calling me a thief, my man?

- I'm calling you the
guy who has my flask.

- How would I have it unless
I was, in fact, a thief?

I don't know.

Now you've gone and done it.

You done messed with my business, bitch.

- I would appreciate it if
you kept your voice down.

Oh, you going all crazy-eyed on me?

I'll show you some crazy eye.

Look at this.

Come on. Let's get busy.

Excuse me, sir.

Who?

Does that flask belong to this man?

- Now you gonna call
me a thief, too? Damn.

- Okay, look, today,
the guy you ripped off

just happened to walk by and bust you,

so why don't you just
give him his flask back?

What are you gonna do if I don't?

Bite me with your snaggletooth?

No, but maybe that policeman over there

might have something to say.

Take your dumb-ass canteen, goofy,

and, you, get your raggedy-ass clothes

and find yourself another corner

before I show you what crazy really is.

Fine. I will.

I'm a businessman!

I'll be seeing you in a few years.

Excuse me.

That was amazing.

I just wanted to thank you.

- Oh, that's okay. I get
messed with all the time.

When I saw him do that
to you, I just lost it.

I hate when people take
advantage of tourists.

What makes you think I'm a tourist?

Oh, your accent, maybe.

Well, where are you from?

The South.

Really?

The Deep South.

Why are we laughing?

I don't know, but I was enjoying it.

Your glasses are pretty.

They make your eyes look big and sparkly.

It's fun looking at them.

Oh. My dad's an optometrist.

My dad's in Hell and he's falling apart.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's really tough when
your folks get older.

- I don't know what I would
do if I couldn't save him.

- Well, I'm sure a nice
southern boy like you

will figure something out.

You want some Popeyes?

No. I had my lunch already.

Okay.

But I wouldn't mind getting a gelati.

- Could I come with you
to getting a gelati?

If you want to.

Here you go, pal. Enjoy.

Thank you.

It's freezing my hands.

Even with those gloves on?

Yeah. It's cold.

Here. Let me wrap it.

Please. Thank you.

Gelati.

That's better. Yeah.

- Better?
- Yeah.

- Why are you taunting
me with your darkness?

Your evil, it's stinking up our streets!

The end is near!

We are all gonna die!

- This town is really
going to hell lately.

- Yeah.
- We will meet again, Lucifer!

So, what part of town do you live in?

I have an apartment. I'm not sure where.

My dog knows though.

You have a dog? What kind?

I don't know.

I'd ask him, but he's
uptown meeting his contacts.

Say "Mr. Beefy. "

Say it. Say it.

Mr. Beefy.

And I love you!

You go to school? What's that like?

Oh, I go to Parsons School of Design.

I knew, growing up, I
wasn't much to look at,

so I concentrate on making
things that are pretty.

You have a nice smell coming off of you.

Oh, that's my perfume.

It's called Comptoir Sud Pacifique.

I think that's French for coconuts.

It's better than the gelati.

Valerie. it feels like
there's a bunch of butterflies

flapping around in my stomach right now.

Is that normal?

Sometimes, sure.

Good, 'cause I was concerned.

- Why did they do this to
me? I was good to them.

I can hardly notice. Honest.

- I sure hope Nicky's
kicking some ass on Earth

or we are doomed.

- You know, I was the
one who created Hell.

I know that, Your Hatefulness.

- But, actually, the
credit for starting Hell

belongs to my first wife, you know?

She was the inspiration.

Hey, Chewbacca, take it easy, will you?

In fact, you look like my first wife.

Only she had more hair.

- In another startling
announcement from city hall,

Mayor Randolph has, effective immediately,

lowered the legal drinking
age from 21 to 10.

- When an adult goes to
Hell, that's terrific.

But when a child goes.

That's why I'm in this business.

Little Nicky.

Know what's nice about you?

What?

- I like the way you're
happy just being yourself.

You don't try to act cool.

Thanks much, Valerie.

You know what's nice about you?

Your juicy heart-shaped heinie.

What was that?

I don't know why I said that.

I meant to say that

I've always dreamt about
having sex with a gross pig.

Can I wash my winky in your kitchen sinky?

You're a real jerk!

I didn't mean to be.

What the? Adrian?

Dad needs you to come back to Hell.

So he sent old
'Shovel Face' to fetch me.

I'm not
kidding. He's in trouble.

So are you.

Hey, Valerie!

What is your problem?

I'm sorry!

Adrian, you guys froze the fire gate

and now Dad is dying, so get
your booty back home or else!

You can't talk tough, Nicky.

Even the voice inside your
head has a speech impediment.

Adrian, you're gonna go back

because I'm gonna make you go back.

How about this?

I'll stay here,

enjoying my pizza and
my peppermint Schnapps,

and you go back.

Adrian, don't!

Cut the crap! This is serious!

Oh, come on.

So I was driving to work today.

Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts
me off, so I followed him.

When he got out of his car,

I run up behind this guy,

and I start bashing his
brains in with this bat.

Did you ever see "The Untouchables"?

I was De Niro!

What's happened to you, Regis?

Mhm.

The Mayor's office today,

in conjunction with the
New York Board of Tourism,

unveiled its new motto

to replace the long-standing
"I love New York" slogan.

"I love hookers" will now
be the city's catchphrase.

Your brothers are upsetting the balance

between good and evil.

Well, what can I do about it?

- You can't do jack shit unless
you learn your evil powers.

Go get a soda out of the fridge.

But those are my roommate's sodas.

"But those are my roommate's sodas. "

Does that sound like a statement

the son of the Devil would make?

All right. Take it easy.

Nicky, you have the power to change

the cola in that can
into any other liquid.

Engine oil, bat's blood, moose piss.

You just have to release the evil within.

Release the evil?

- I'm just saying there's
wickedness in you.

I can tell from your snores.

Really?

Release your evil.

Release the evil.

Come on. You can do it.

There it is.

You got it in you.

What are you doing?

Hey!

Oh!

All right.

I'm going to pretend

I didn't see a dog on the couch,

because my brain just can't
process that right now,

but were you about to
drink one of my Cokes?

No. I was just looking at it.

It's beautiful.

This Coke tastes like Pepsi.

You changed a Coke into a Pepsi?

That was your big transformation?

Come on, man. Give it up a little.

I mean, that was pretty
good for my first try.

Do you even care

that your brothers are
killing your father?

Yes, I care, and he is not going to die!

Attaboy.

- I'm freaked out. My
television just blew up.

You're damn right it did!

I mean, really?

I know this is your living room time,

but could I maybe finish

watching the Globetrotters out here?

It's the craziest game I've ever seen.

He's walking! Get him a bus!

This is the part I don't get.

Another terrible call.

There's no way that was traveling.

What's up with all the calls?

We haven't lost a game in 53 years!

Guess what, cornrows?

Technical foul! You're outta here!

Why's the referee being so mean

to the Globetrotters, Daddy?

I've been watching these guys play

since I was your age.

It's all part of the show, baby.

That guy in the striped shirt

snapped his fingers like somebody I know!

Normally, the Globetrotters represent

family entertainment.

Who gives a shit?

- These kids came here to
see the Globetrotters win!

Ten points off on the Globetrotters

on account of the bigmouth!

It's all part of the show, baby!

Hit the half-time buzzer. I'm tired.

- If the second half doesn't
get any better than this,

you can expect a full-scale riot.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for

the Globetrotters' half-time
half-court heave-ho throw,

and if the contestant makes it,

everyone here will get a free pizza pie!

- I ain't taking the shot.
These people are crazy.

Excuse me. I'll take that shot.

Okay.

What made you want to come and see

the Globetrotters today, son?

I came for the beer and the bitches.

Looks who's back from the dead.

666!

Pickup sticks!

Please
welcome Miguel Sanchez

from the Bronx, New York!

What's Nicky doing there?

Trying to capture his brother in a flask

and preserve the balance
of good and evil on Earth.

Did you just talk?

No.

Are you Miguel from the Bronx?

No. I'm Nicky from the South.

Hey, give me that!

- You better win these
people some free pizza,

'cause it looks like

they're about to start killing each other.

All right.

Who's that man, Mommy?

I don't know, but he sure is butt-ugly.

Release the evil.

Too much evil.

I think that ball just blew up,

and, yes, my hair is aflame.

I don't know what the hell that was.

Don't do it again?

All right.

I command you not to blow up
and go into that metal circle.

Hey.

Get that crap outta here!

I know you're
having fun, Cassius,

but you really gotta come back to Hell.

Look around you, Nicky.

We're in Hell.

The new Hell.

Hey, hey, hey.

Do it, do it, do it!

I was sent here to take you back

and that's what I'm gonna do.

Don't make me take
out the shovel again, trick.

- I think we're about
to see a devil showdown.

Yeah!

You know, Dad got
sick when you guys left.

- I'm glad he's dying,
'cause it's my turn now.

You're gonna wish you never said that.

Take him to the hole, Nicky!

I mean, woof, woof.

Come on, brother! Come on!

Oh, come on!

Daddy can't help you!
Daddy can't help you!

No!

No!

This show gets better every year!

That was sick. Who taught you that shit?

Sorry, Cassius.

It must be the super devil
evil juice Dad gave me.

- Super devil juice? Give
me that, little girl.

Don't drink out of it, please!

- Now, that was some straight-up
David Copperfield shit!

Damn you, Nicky!

There ain't no super devil juice in here!

Hail, Nicky!

We are forever your slaves!

So your father's the Devil.

Si, sen r.

You're a
talking dog from Hell.

Yep.

And you guys are who?

Just a couple of big fans of Nicky

and the work his dad does.

Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out.

What's Ozzy trying to say there?

John, absolutely nothing.

'The Blizzard' always came
straight with his messages,

but wrap your minds
around this, gentlemen.

Oh no.

Chicago.

I love this song.

I command you
in the name of Lucifer

to spread the blood of the innocent.

Oh my God. Chicago kicks ass!

That was awesome.

- You know, guys, this
cake tastes a little funny.

- Oh, I dumped a fat sack
of reefer in the mix.

I thought I'd spice up the bash.

Really?

What's reefer?

About 500 bucks an ounce.

Come on, Nicky. One more time.

I can't. It's starting to hurt.

Come on! You totally got to!

All right, all right. Last time.

Oh, here he goes! Here he goes!

That's insane!

How do you do that? How do you do that?

I used to get messed up like this

with my first girlfriend, Heather.

We'd get so loopy, she
would forget I was a dog.

She was a human?

No. She was a sewer rat.

Man, that pissed my parents off.

You know, I was in love once,

but she said I wasn't financially reliable

and she needed that.

Now, by "she," do you mean "he"?

No.

Busted!

Please.

- Hey. how are you feeling
over there, Satan Abdul-Jabbar?

A little strange.

I can't stop thinking
about this girl, Valerie.

Why? Did she hurt you?

Do you need to cry on my shoulder?

Easy, Liberace.

Oh, would you grow up?

Liberace.

I was having the best day with her

until Adrian made me tell her

she had a heart-shaped heinie.

Maybe you love her, but what do I know?

I can't even see straight.

Oh, me, too!

Hey, we gotta get going.

- Hey, you guys can
crash here if you want.

I have an extra futon in the bedroom.

That's a big pass, Elton John.

Ozzy starts in 30 minutes.

Maybe that'll cheer you up, Nicky.

Yeah. Let's roll.

- Actually, I don't think
I can give the Oz man

the full focus he deserves.

Sorry, fellas.

- Oh. This chick must
be the real deal then.

Later, bro.

Goodbye, John.

Good luck, man.

Okay, Pete.

You better snap out of it soon, kid,

'cause we're going after Adrian
tomorrow bright and early.

Night-night.

Yeah, I know.

Get some sleep thing, Mr. Beefy.

- That is the most horrifying
thing I have ever seen.

Go to her.

All right.

I smell coconuts.

Coconuts.

Oh. Hello.

That dude looks like a lady.

You wanna come in?

- Actually, I'm looking
for a girl named Valerie.

Valerie Veran?

Two floors up. One window over.

Thanks much.

Good luck with the nipple rubbing.

I don't need luck. I'm good.

I can see that.

Ooh!

Oh my God! Nicky, is that you?

Yes.

Stay right there.

I will.

Hi.

What were you thinking, coming here?

- I don't know, but it
didn't involve going blind.

Oh my God! Nicky!

Please don't die!

Nicky?

Valerie?

What are you doing?

I think I'm floating.

Why would you be floating?

- Maybe it was because of
this cake I ate earlier.

- Am I supposed to not
be freaked out right now?

Because I am!

I'm freaked out too.

The butterflies in my
stomach are flapping around

in a way I've never felt before.

You got the wrong window again, man.

Oh, sorry, Nipples.

Valerie!

Nicky, over here!

I'm coming!

Oh my God. You made it.

- Valerie, I can see again,
and you look beautiful.

Look, just because you're floating

doesn't mean I'm gonna forget about

you giving me the finger!

That wasn't me!

I was being possessed
by my brother Adrian!

What do you mean possessed?

- Remember when I told you
that my father was in Hell?

Yes.

Well, that's because he's the Devil,

and he wants to keep his throne

for another 10,000 years,

and that pissed off my brothers,

so they broke the gates of Hell,

which is making my father-

The Devil?

- Decompose, and I love
my father very much,

so I came to Earth to save him.

Now I get that Deep South joke.

Yes!

I don't know if I should believe you.

- You gotta believe!
Believe in the butterflies!

Wait, okay, okay, okay. I believe.

Come on. Come back up.

Take my hand, Valerie.

Fly with me.

I can give you the power.

That's the
Empire State Building!

There's Popeyes Chicken, right there!

- The hell beast is above us
and I can smell an evil slut!

Devil!

Did you do that?

Nobody calls
my girl an evil slut.

Good morning, New York.

This is an Action News special report.

A shocking crime results in

a record $50 million reward
for the capture of this man.

His name is unknown, but
his actions have earned him

the label "The Monster. "

He should be considered armed
and extremely dangerous.

The man who caused such a sensation

at the game yesterday is no hero.

He is, in fact, a mass murderer.

This is real bad.

- Where the heck is Nicky?
- In response to

this vicious crime, I
have authorized a reward

to the person who brings this man to me.

It's a setup.

Good morning, young lady.

Aha!

That looks like it tastes great.

Look at that. Mr. Beefy would like you.

Oh, look.

What is happening?

There he is!

I'm not a monster.

I'm not a monster.

Release the evil.

Oh.

Beefy, I think I'm in trouble.

- The shit has hit the
fan, kid. Take a look.

This videotape will show what he did

after he left the game.

Say hello to my little friend.

My name is Nicky,

and I'm gonna kill all
you suckers for no reason.

- That's not me! That's
that cockroach Tony Montana!

It's difficult to watch. I know.

This is Adrian's work!

- He superimposed your
head onto "Scarface. "

- Which is probably De
Palma's third best film.

Oh.

I'm not Nicky!

Dude, it's us. Let us in.

John, Pete!

Nicky.

There's a total mob scene coming this way.

- It looks like they're following
a giant trail of bug shit.

What do we do now, Beefy?

- I don't know. This is a
little out of my league.

What would your dad do, Nicky?

That's a great idea.

I'll ask him. Kill me.

Are you serious?

- Yes. We'll meet at Grand
Central Station, noon.

Now, I command you! Do me!

All right!

That just hurt a lot.

Still alive, though.

I've always wanted to kill someone.

Can I give it a try?

Damn you, Kevin Spacey!

You take all my parts!

Hey, you lose. Royal flush.

Off with the brassiere.

The last time I saw a
pair of jugs that big,

two hillbillies were blowing on them.

Oh my God, Dad.

Nicky.

I got no legs.

I got no hips.

I got one ear.

I got no ears.

- Now he has no ears.
Are you happy, Nicky?

- Adrian's got the
whole city following me.

I can't hear you, Nicky!

Check, one, two. Check, one, two.

Put it back on my head!

- Hey. by the looks of him,
you got 'til midnight tonight.

Now, you get your ass back up there,

and you save your father.

Go!

I'm gonna save you, Dad.

Go, go, go, go, go!

I'm gonna save you!

Go, then!

Move it! Go, Nicky, go!

You sure you're down with this?

A little nervous. I wanna puke.

- Hey. hey. fuzz. We
know where to find Nicky.

Hey, hey, hey!

Let's go.

Hey.

What's up, police chief?

You have what I want?

You got what we want?

50 million bones, bro.

Here's the money.

- Oh my God!
- That's half of it.

You get the rest when I get Nicky.

Thanks much.

- But I gotta warn you.
man. He's kinda not human.

Really?

He might be the son of Satan.

Hey!

Well, I guess I'm gonna have to be

extra careful then, aren't I?

Now, where is he?

- Hey. come on.
- Come on.

Do it again!
- That was cool!

Do it again!

- Come on!
- Do it again!

Out of the way!

Where is he? He's late.

He'll be here. Just keep your skirt on.

That's where he comes out of.

Over there!

Hey!

We've been ratted out.

We thought the son of Satan

would understand a move like this.

Get these two out of here.

All right. This way.

Okay, okay!

- What is this? A bulldog
and his gay lover?

Oh, shut up.

It's true. It's true.

Judas.

Judas Priest, maybe.

Okay, look. I'm only an actor.

I don't know what's happening here.

- Take him to the holding
area. Seal off all the exits.

I'm only an actor!

You wanna see something cool?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

Pick me a winner.

Oh, sick!

Oh my God! That was awesome!

- So, what time is my
brother expected back?

Noon.

Ish.

- Hey, even though you're
not really the chief,

we still get the rest
of the cash, right, bro?

You know what you'll get, boys?

An indescribably horrific torture

administered by demons
for the rest of eternity.

And we get to keep the cash too, right?

Sure.

Why not?

You're hurting me. You're hurting me.

Shut up.

Applesauce every time.

Hey, boys!

You want a blizzard with my flip-flop?

- No thanks, but we'll
take that bottle of booze.

Beat it, you freak. Get outta here.

- I'll be back!
- I'll be back with my flip-flop!

Schnapps.

Yeah.

Peppermint.

All right!

Want a hit?

Drink up. Here's to 50 million clams.

To the defilement of Earth

and the corruption of its people.

Okay, whatever. Just drink it.

Cheers.

It's awfully hot down here.

How do you manage to stay so cool?

Oh, beer lowers
the body temperature.

I read that in a beer magazine.

This liquid will probably
quench my thirst.

Cool me off.

Definitely.

And give you a pretty good buzz.

- Or maybe it will trap me
inside for all of eternity.

No, it won't?

Oh, Nicky.

I've missed you.

Come out and say hello!

I'm not Nicky.

I'm calling you out, brother!

Adrian, this is very painful.

There you are.

I told you he was sick.

Oh, hello, Cassius.

All right, Adrian! Let me out!

You know, new Hell

really only needs one new Satan.

You mother-

But Cassius could use some company

for the rest of eternity,
so get in the flask.

Kick his ass, Nicky.

Sleep.

You got it.

- Hey, hold up. Someone's
gotta take a pee.

That dog's got smoke balls!

Run, Beefy! Run!

You can't make me drink, Adrian.

Of course I can.

Oh, it's Nicky's little ragamuffin.

Drink or she dies.

Unlike you, she won't come
back from where she's going.

- Let go of her! This
is between you and me!

I hear a train a-coming.

Adrian, stop!

Drink!

All right, I'll drink. Don't hurt her.

Don't do it, Nicky!

I have to, Valerie.

Now, that hurt the both of us.

No!

Valerie!

See you in Hell!

No!

- Hey, look at the bright
side. You can go for a swim,

you can play the harmonica,
and you can choke someone.

Take me to my room. I wanna be alone!

- In your weakened condition,
if you vacate the throne,

any of your sons

can claim the seat of power for their own.

Horseshit.

Hey, good news. Adrian's back.

So I'm gonna be all right?

Hello.

Where's Nicky?

He came with you and Cassius, right?

I came through that gate alone.

Sorry, sir. False alarm.

Boo.

Would everyone stop playing with me

and tell me what my brother's up to?

Hey.

Hey.

Is it Dad's birthday?

- There he is!
- Hi!

Oh, I can't believe you're here!

Welcome.

Up with the sign.
- Okay.

- Can I just tell you I
am so excited right now?

- So excited.
- She really is.

- If you could point me
to the Black Palace now,

I really gotta check in with my dad.

Okay. Can I ask you something?

What do you know about your mom?

My mom?

My brothers tell me that
she was a mountain goat,

which would explain my chronic halitosis.

A mountain goat? That's really sweet.

Jenna, chair.

Thanks.

My mother wasn't a goat?

Try an angel.

An angel?

I'm your mom.

- If you're my mom. then
how come you're not older?

Angels don't get any older, son.

I can't believe you just called him son.

This is so wild!

- Jenna, Christa, time
for your mambo lesson.

Chubbs, I'm so sorry. I totally spaced.

I have company. This is my son Nicky.

Hi.

Hi.

Chubbs used to be a golf pro,

but, up here, he's just the
dopest dance instructor.

That's nice.

You mambo?

I don't think so.

It's all in the hips.

It's all in the hips.

Bye, Chubbs.

- Bye.
- All in the hips, yeah!

- Nobody in this room will
tell you a thing, Adrian.

Right!

Hey! Let him go!

- Perhaps a titty twister
will loosen your lips.

No, no!

Ooh, hey, I'm getting turned on.

Okay, okay, all I know-

Yes?

is that if you sit on that throne,

in your father's weakened condition-

Tit-head, no!

- You can claim the seat
of power for your own!

Really?

As the founder of Hell,

I command you to stay off that throne!

Hey!

Even in Hell, I get no respect.

Put me down! Put me down!

No!

So, where did you meet Dad?

Oh, it was a long time ago
at this Heaven-Hell mixer.

- I remember that night.
You had like four daiquiris.

At first, I didn't really like him.

He was really conceited.

Yeah, but he was funny,

and I hate to admit it, but
he had a really hot body.

Oh, puppy phone.

It's so cute.

Hello?

Hi, Michelle. Yeah, he's here right now.

I don't know if he's hot.
He's my son, you perv.

Can I call you back?

That was my friend Michelle. She says hi.

Say hi back.

I'll just call her later.

You know, Nicky,

we totally saw you save
your girlfriend's life.

That was so cool.

- Yeah, that's why you came
to Heaven instead of Hell.

Self-sacrifice
automatically gets you here.

How did you see me?

- We can see anything that's
going on on Earth. Look.

Someone else is taking the internship.

Oh, that's
'Felicity. ' I love that show.

Do you watch?

- I haven't seen it,
but I hear good things.

I don't want to go to Colorado.

This is an Action News special report.

Moments ago, a large chunk
of what appears to be Hell

began to rise from beneath Central Park.

Far from being terrified,

many New Yorkers have
begun flocking to the site,

turning it into an
unofficial party central.

And this just in.

I'm cheating on my husband
with the weatherman.

Show him Central Park.

I love your legs.

That's my father's throne!

Is Dad okay?

Let's see.

I was a good devil, wasn't I?

You were the best devil, sir!

- Yeah, yeah.
- The best devil!

- If we fall in there,
we will die. Period.

My underwear is so
far up my ass, I can taste it.

I hear that.

Welcome to the party!

It's so nice to see you all here.

I'm so proud of you.

You've taken to sin with
such minimal prompting.

You're acting as if there
is no Heaven or Hell.

Well, I've got news for you.

There is most definitely a Hell.

What?

- And you're all going
to go there when you die,

which is in about 15 minutes.

Holy shit! We really are gonna die!

I'm really burning now!

What are we gonna do?

I gotta help her.

I gotta help Dad.

I gotta help everybody.

At the stroke of midnight,

my father will be completely deteriorated,

and all your souls will be mine.

Soon, you will see things

more horrible than you can even imagine.

Well, maybe not that horrible,
but still pretty bad.

So, while we wait, for your enjoyment,

I bring you a dear, sweet
man, Mr. Henry Winkler.

Good evening.

Covered in bees!

How can I win?

Adrian is stronger and smarter than me.

Stronger, yes, smarter, definitely,

but you have something
that he doesn't have.

A speech impediment?

No!

The inner light, honey,
and you can totally use it.

It's the best power of all.

I do?

- And God told me, if you
get in really bad trouble,

you can use this.

What is it?

Okay, I'm not totally 100%' on that,

but God said, when the time came,

you'd know what to do with it.

God's so smart.

Like 'Jeopardy' smart.

My little boy.

Mommy, get me to the Big Apple,

'cause I'm gonna rock that
town like a hurricane.

You're already there.

Bye, Nicky.

Bye, Mom.

Bye.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Release the good.

Release the good.

Yes. They're furry.

Bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny.

Release the awesome.

What you do is put it in your mouth

and let the meat slide
down your throat hole.

Not you! Not you!

Popeyes Chicken is the shizzney!

- You know, from this
angle, you're kind of cute.

You think so?

Oh my God.

He just opened his mouth
and swallowed that spit.

Oh, that turn you on there, RuPaul?

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Little Nicky.

- Yeah, Nicky!
- Nicky!

I knew you would make it!

Adrian, I'm asking you nicely.

Let my friends alone and get in the flask.

Is this a joke?

No, it's the inner light,

and, with it, we can
defeat whatever you got.

It's true!

It's not true!

Run, traitors! Run!

Okay, Adrian. You've left me no choice.

Leave this to me.

Let's see what you've got.

Okay.

Hey.

Enough!

I'm going to kill you with my bare hands.

I'm ready for you.

I guess I wasn't ready.

I totally had to do that.

- Yes!
- Hell, yeah, you did.

- Good job!
- That's great!

Thanks, Mom!

Now, I'm gonna ask you nicely.

Get in the fla-

Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight, do you?

Well, let's let the feathers fly.

Come on, now.

Come on.

I'm right here.

Where am I going with it, baby? Here I am.

I'm sleeping.

Or am I?

Thanks, Mr. Winkler.

Now, I'm asking you one last time.

Get in the flask.

A little help here, please.

Please!

Don't do this! No!

Good-bye, Nicky.

No!

Nice to see you, brothers.

Now I'm gonna bust both
of your heads wide open!

No, no!

Come on!

Get 'em, Nicky!

Come on, Nicky!

You can do it, Nicky!

Kick him in his hairy balls!

Good idea.

One down, one to go, Adrian.

You've asked for
this. Time for the shovel!

Bring it on!

Kill him, Adrian!

Shut up!

Get him, Nicky!

Let go of me!

Nicky!

Oh, yeah!

Woohoo!

Nicky!

Yeah!

How did a nice Southern boy like you

learn to fight like that?

- I guess from my father's
side of the family.

Oh.

What? No tongue?

Catch me if you can!

That is wicked!

Woo!

Not long now!

Woo. You gotta fly out.

Soon, it will all be mine!

Nicky! I know you can do it!

Run, run!

Do it for the butterflies!

Butterflies?

Oh, the power of good lets you fly out?

Well, you're too late, Nicky!

Behold your new Satan!

What's that? What's with the ball?

Ozzy?

Holy shit.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- You can do it, Ozzy!
Bite his fricking head off!

No!

Spit him in the flask!

Here you go, Ozzy.

Grand Central, Nicky!

Start running!

You'll never make it.

You've gotta die.

I'll just go to Heaven.

- Not if you do something
bad right before you die.

You're right.

Hey, Nicky! Cover Winkler in bees!

You can do it!

Sorry, Henry.

Okay, do me!

With what?

I don't know! I don't know!

Here. Kill him with this.

I'll never forget you, guys.

And we will never forget you, my friend.

Valerie?

I love you.

And I love you, Nicky.

I got 'em, Dad! I did it!

I did it, Daddy!

Unholiness, you're back!

Woohoo!

You look great!

Dad! Dad!

You're all right!

You came through, Nicky.

I came through for you, Dad,

and I came through for
Mom and the butterflies.

You're back in Hell now, kid.

There are no butterflies here.

If you want butterflies,
you need to be on Earth.

- What about you and Grandpa
and everybody in Hell?

- Nicky, I let my butterflies
die once upon a time,

and it's never stopped hurting.

That's right! You heard me, Holly!

What?

I'm still in love with you!

Oh my God. He's talking about me.

And don't think I forgot about

how crazy you get after a few daiquiris.

That guy is still the biggest horndog.

Yeah, he is.

Listen, I got down low.

Your mom's got up high.

You take care of the middle.

Okay, Dad, but,

in the words of Motley Crue,

this will always be my home sweet home.

Don't be afraid to show your face.

You're such a handsome boy.

I hate to interrupt, but,

it's time for Hitler's punishment.

I'll take that.

Maybe they're gonna let us out.

Grandpa!

Okay, kids, enjoy your new home!

No,
no, no, no, no, no, no!

Holy shnit!

Such a little angel.

Only a quarter, ma'am.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Sorry!