All language subtitles for Austin 108

That's my Phallum series.
I think you should exhibit.

I'm going to have an exhibition.
Of what?

Wait, is that our dad?
Yeah.

I wondered if you might be willing
to take a DNA test.

What, now?

Is that a problem?
Looks nothing like me.

Mind you, we haven't had
the results of the DNA test yet,

so maybe he isn't my son after all.
(LAUGHS)

Good for PR, though, right?

Wait.

Game Of Scones - Doing Britain On
The Spectrum, A Book By Austin Hogan.

For those who are fans of the English
language in its purest form, well,

England may not be the place for you.

For instance, when British people
invite you for a drink, it's not one,

it's 50, plus a kebab
and stealing a shopping trolley.

And being in a bit of a pickle
means we're all going to die.

Hello, sir. Welcome.
Please take a seat.

Ah. Thank you.

Perfect sometimes means pretty good,

but most of the time
it means horribly inadequate.

When the British describe somebody
as fit,

they don't mean that the person
is in good health.

They mean the person is stunning.

And also in good health.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, squirrel, I'm so sorry that
I had to bail last night.

Are you OK?
You sound really rough.

Yeah, I've been on and off the loo
all morning.

You know what,
I have muesli for breakfast now.

Yeah, it's gone through me
like a Lamborghini.

And I had this awful
Piers Morgan anxiety dream.

He was telling everyone that I was
the finest artist of my generation.

Mum, imaginary Piers Morgan
has great taste.

No, poppet, it was chilling.

Tell me,
is it too late to pull the plug?

Mum,

your paintings have been hung
and they look amazing.

Is there a dialogue between them,
though?

Adjacent paintings are supposed
to have a dialogue between them.

You can't shut them up.

It's gonna be brilliant.

Is it though?
Yes. Brilliant.

It's gonna be the best.
Is it? Is it going to be the best?

You are the best. It's the best.
Everything is the best.

You know what? You're the best.
You're the absolute...

I'm gonna have to go piss into
the loo again. I love you so much.

I love you, poppet.
I love you so much.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Florence is all over everything
at the gallery.

So my paintings are not just
well hung, they are also hung well.

Is that a penis joke?
Yeah.

Yeah, because there are lots
of penises in the paintings.

Yeah.

I'm just so nervous.
What if people don't get them?

Or if they do get them,

but they think, "Yeah, she's just
another 10% royal, 100% perv person."

I'm going to have to leave
the country.

Tell me about it.
I know all about lying low.

Sorry, was I talking about me
briefly?

Let's return to talking about you.
So what are your plans for the day?

Dunno. I might call Heidi.

See if anyone wants to buy
that documentary.

I've got this really odd
rough patch of skin just here.

What's that part of your arm called?
It's not called muscle, is it?

Upper arm.
Upper arm? Yes.

I've got a rough patch of skin
on my upper arm here,

and I thought I might exfoliate.

And then you're going to come
to the private view?

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Then I'm
going to come to the private view.

And you're going to bring Austin?

Not necessarily.

Um, he left yesterday. He's, um...
He's gone on an adventure.

What?
Mm.

And you're cool with that, are you?
We're certainly fine with that?

That's...that's safe suddenly, is it?
He said he wanted some space.

Well, I'm feeling that's a bit
bullshit. He doesn't want space.

He wants you to tell him he's valued.

No, he's a literal person.
Doesn't do subtext.

He's just seen footage of you saying
that you don't think he's your son

because he's nothing like you.

Yeah, and that barely sentient
director should have deleted that

instead of jamming it
into the end of the timeline.

But, Julian,
that's completely irrelevant.

The point is that Austin saw it.

He's doing this
because he wants your attention.

He wants you to acknowledge
that he is very clearly your son.

(PHONE RINGS)

Is that me or you?

What?

Oh.

Hello?

Austin's phone's been off for a day
and a half now. What's going on?

Yes, yes, he's, uh...
He's gone exploring. He, um...

He wanted some space.

Well, I'm just trying
to get a handle

on how many times a father
can lose his son in a week.

Well, I don't think
this officially counts

as me losing him because
he actually told me he was going.

What? And you just went,
"No worries. Whatever."

"Make sure you turn your phone off
before you go."

He'll be fine. He left a note.

What does it say?

Um... Hang on.

Yeah. "That great charmer.
Dirty room."

What does that even mean?
I have absolutely no idea.

But it has a certain joie de vivre,
doesn't it?

Like a young Hemingway
conquering Paris in the 1920s.

He's not Hemingway.

You find him, or I'll call
the Daily Mail and I'll tell them

you're not just a fascist,

you're a horrible father.

Go for it.
They'll probably give me a column.

I'll call the Guardian then.

What? How dare you?

Mel! Mel?

Point of information.

If you haven't found Austin,

you probably shouldn't come
to my private view.

"That great charmer. Dirty room."

What?

Were you a little perplexed
by the menu, too?

And that's why
you're just having toast?

Mmm... Yeah, I didn't love the sound
of the butt milk pancakes.

I get that, but I still might try the
beef hamburger with sheeps for lunch.

If you do that,
I'll have the Diet Cock.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Did you read the sign per chance?

Uh, sure. But there isn't a queue.

A queue is defined as a line
or sequence of people.

But you're just one person.

You and I are a line or sequence
of people.

You sure know a lot about English
for an Australian.

I'm actually writing a book about
how the English misuse English.

Really? And what are your findings?

That the English misuse English,
of course.

(LAUGHS) Right. Like on menus?

And in reality.

For instance,

when the British say that something's
quite good, they mean it's bad.

But when they say that something's
not bad, it's quite good.

OK, interesting.

And when the British say
that something is interesting,

they think it's nonsense.

(LAUGHS) No, I genuinely think
it's interesting.

I'm a writer too,
but the journalist kind.

Cool.
Yeah, you'd think so.

My job is to scout out celebrities

who stay here after having a fight
with their spouse.

Why do they come here?
Convenience.

Most celebs live in Primrose Hill.
So this is their nearest hotel.

Has David Tennant been here?

Oh, I don't know.
I've only been doing this a week.

I eventually want to get a place
on the Westminster round.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

I'm Austin.

Lucy.

Should we split a Scissor salad?

(LAUGHS)

OK, so the nude portrait of Edward,
8,000.

What?!

Seriously, he's not a compelling
subject. No more than 1,200.

He voted leave.

But you're overruled.

Um, Geoffrey from next door?
£1,000.

£9,000.
No, no.

Wait, Mum, look,
it's a lovely painting.

Is it?

I mean, yeah, it might have been
a bit chilly when you painted it.

I don't think he should be more
than £900.

I passionately disagree.

The model's just getting changed.

Model? What model?
What model?

Oh, you said you needed to finish
the painting of Julian,

and that you'd rather watch Cats
again than have him sit for you.

Which I said as a joke,
because I quite liked Cats.

Yeah.

What's the RSVP situation?
Bad. Yeah.

But I'm sure they'll just start,
you know,

floating through this afternoon.

You see, they are crap. And why
are they all different prices?

They're all the same size.
Mum. Mum!

They are different prices
because some of them have penises

and some of them don't.

And, squirrel, are we still living in
a world where that affects the price?

Ingrid.

Hi. Hello. Goodness me. Hello.

Huge. Wow.
I'm the model you booked.

Yeah. Goodness me. Wow. Hello.

Massive fan of Big Bear. Yeah.

Yeah. OK. Well, I mean that, you
know, it's always so nice to hear.

Good.
Yeah.

So when did you get into...
into Big Bear?

35.

Ah.
Yeah. They spoke to me.

Did they?
Mm.

Well, I mean,
they are really lovely stories.

See, I was more into the pictures
than the words.

They reminded me of my childhood
growing up in Australia.

Sorry. (SOBS)

Sorry, I don't want to touch,
but, are you alright?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, I can... I can be upset
and hot at the same time.

I'll see you on the floor.
OK.

Yeah.

He's in a lot better shape
than Julian.

That's absolutely fine.

I'll just...paint from memory.

He left midday yesterday
saying he needed space.

MAN: OK, call me back in two days
if he hasn't turned up.

No, Constable.

I will not be calling you back
in two days if he hasn't shown up,

because in two days
he might be dead.

I'm not sure what else I can do.

Well, then maybe I'll find
someone else who can help.

Like who?

I don't know, a maverick ex-cop
who's been run out of the force

because his colleagues
wouldn't take him seriously.

You do that, sir.
Well, maybe I just will.

You have a very good day.
No.

(HANGS UP)
You have a very good day.

'Dicktwitch'?

Hm.

Oh, dear. Is that the best
you can do, knobcreek?

Um...

Come on, come on then.

No, I thought not.

Yeah.

Your translations are all spot on.

Oh, but if you want to be thorough,

you should have a separate section
focusing on inebriation,

because that's really important
to British people.

Could you explain that, please?

Well, when the British want to use
a euphemism for being drunk,

all they do is take a noun,
any noun,

and add 'ed' on the end of it.

Like arseholed,

mashed, shitfaced, plastered,
floored, hammered, wasted, zombied,

or my personal favourite, wankered.

'Zombied'...
Pringled.

Oh, there's so many more.

Car-parked. Sloshed. Pyramided.
Titted. Buzzed. Slaughtered.

Wellied. Loaded. Sozzled.

Trousered. Banjoed. Bathtub.

Kennelled. Stewed. Autopsied.

Interesting.

Boiled. Lashed. Pissed.
Fooked. Angled.

Gutted. Goosed.

Rinsed and shit-arsed.

What's the difference
between shitfaced and shit-arsed?

Uh, two beers.
Sounds about right.

(LAUGHS)

How many famous people have you seen
who have been kicked out of home?

None. I don't know why
this week's the week

every celeb's decided to have
a harmonious relationship.

Do you have KPIs?

My editors know I can't force celebs

to have an argument
with their spouse,

but at the same time, I can tell
that they're getting impatient.

I've got a story for you.

Do you know Julian Hartswood?
Yeah.

Big Bear guy. Just got cancelled.
(LAUGHS)

He's also my dad.

I've run away from home

and he's engaged what used to be
known as London Twitter

to try and find me.

I don't know if your editors
will like it,

but the story is yours
if you want it.

Oh, they'd like it.

But I'm fine.
Are you sure?

Won't you get in trouble
if you don't give them a story?

Someone will get kicked out of home
sooner or later.

Maybe we should let your dad know
where you are.

I don't know for certain
that he's my dad.

We never received
our DNA test results,

so I've given him a clue
as to where I'm staying.

If he's my real dad, he'll find me.
If he's not, he won't.

A cryptic DNA test.
Exactly.

Well, we better get back
to the hotel

just in case he is your real dad.

Very well, then.
(LAUGHS)

Don't shoot the messenger,

but "That great charmer"
may refer to Austin,

and the "Dirty room" may refer
to a place of ill repute.

He wouldn't go to one of those
places. He's a romantic.

Well, he's away from home.
He's a young man.

Well, did you go to places
of ill repute when you were his age?

I certainly did not.

Are you sure?
Yeah, I am sure.

Then why would Austin?

No, I don't think he would.

Good.

I don't know why I thought that.

Afternoon.
Sir.

I don't suppose
Billie Piper's around, is she?

I'm not authorised to comment on
the coming and going of our patrons.

Right. Yeah.

Um, a cup of tea to start with?

Uh, yes.

If you wouldn't mind getting
a strainer and putting in ginger,

cardamom, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves,
then adding black pepper,

black tea leaves,
hot water and hot milk?

So, a chai then?
Yes. Exactly. Yeah.

Hi.

(GASPS) Sorry.

Uh, uh...Julian Hartswood.

Look, I...

I know you.

Well, I...I don't...
It's not from your books.

I mean, I know you're from
that weird white supremacy stuff.

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Uh, that's me.

(CHUCKLES)

Um, look. Strange question.

Um, the other day when you were here,

I was wondering if you spoke
to a young Australian man.

You know, I did. I did.
He... He asked me to be his muse.

I said yes, and then I went
and I came back and he'd gone.

Right.
OK. Yeah. Because he's gone again.

And I'm a bit worried.
I'm his dad. And, um...

Well, I was wondering
if he'd sought you out

because I know he's a big fan.

I'm sorry, I just...
I haven't seen him since.

Good.
Sorry.

What are you going to do
to get your career back on track?

Well, I thought I might make
a documentary to sort of show me

in a more favourable light.

That doesn't work.

And then I thought about
hiring a defamation lawyer.

Spenny.
Yeah.

It doesn't work.

And then...

Well, I suppose if all else fails,
I mean, I could always...apologise.

Yeah, I think that's...that's
the best way that tends to work.

No.
Thank you. It's chai.

Oh, it's chai.

Chai guy.
Chai guy.

(LAUGHS)

What's that?

Oh, that is a note my son left
on the kitchen table

before he walked
out of our lives forever.

I mean, I don't think it means
forever. Look, he's...

I actually think he's testing you.
That's...

I think that's an anagram.

Can I see that?
You know anagrams?

Yeah.

Well, I don't see you
coming up with any ideas.

I'm too busy
hosing down your howlers.

(SIGHS)

This is a tough code to crack.

That complicated brain of his
has constructed quite a matrix.

Oh, my God.

I've got it.

So, "that great charmer"
equals Margaret Thatcher.

"Dirty room" equals dormitory.

He must be staying at the Margaret
Thatcher dormitory in Primrose Hill.

Huh!

I've always thought that's the most
terrible name for a hotel.

Well, they don't really call it
that anymore.

What do they call it now?
The Darth Vader Inn?

The MTD.

I mean, everyone knows
what those initials stand for.

Well, I mean, they could stand
for anything. They...

People could say, "I'll meet you
at My Toxic Doughnut."

"My Tangerine Dream."

"My Tiny Ding-a-ling."

Actually, you know,

I... (LAUGHS)

I once heard someone call it
"My Tremendous Derriere,"

which is...

..I mean, unironically represents
a standard of derriere.

And that makes... (LAUGHS)

Brilliant.
(LAUGHING)

Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Are you sure this is it?

Because there's a Meg
The Arch-Tartar Dormitory in Ealing.

Oh, don't that be like that.

I'm just saying, if you're using
letters to make words,

there's plenty more
where that came from.

I have to have faith

that my grandson wouldn't stay
at Meg The Arch-Tartar.

Ah, but he would go to a place
of ill repute?

Get down, Dad.
Down, down, down, down, down!

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHS) Yeah. That is crazy.

Oh, my God.

He's growing up, Mel.
Oh, Dad!

Austin.

Hi.

When you said you needed space,
uh...

..did you require space

or did you require me to say
how much I loved and valued you?

I required space,

and I required you to tell me
how much you loved and valued me.

Uh...

Look, I, uh... I deeply regret
what I said in the documentary.

Uh, my statements
did not reflect my true feelings

and had no basis in fact.

(SPEAKS LATIN)

I didn't catch that last bit.

It's a bit of Latin
to show you how serious I am.

"The gods take care of injuries
to the gods."

So he's saying that you're a god

and your fellow gods
are punishing him for his misdoings.

I hope not too much.
Mm-hm.

Uh, this is my friend Lucy.

Lovely to meet you, Lucy.

Look, I hate to break up
the tea party,

but I need to get you
to your stepmother's exhibition.

Uh, Dad,
would you mind busying yourself

so I can properly say goodbye
to Lucy?

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Outside.

I really don't want to have to set
any gods onto you.

And stay off Twitter.
Yeah.

I'm texting. But, yeah, sure.

Lucy, I would like your number
so I can organise for you to be paid

for co-writing Game Of Scones,

as it's clearly going to be
a best seller.

I don't want a co-writing credit.
Why not?

You gave me 10 or 11 lines
that are 15% to 17% funnier

than anything I've written.

But I was just riffing
off your idea.

But if that was all a clever mirage

so you could get my number
and ask me out on a date,

then, yeah,

you better call me
about that co-writing credit.

OK, maybe I will, Lucy.

(GIGGLES)

(GENERAL CHATTER)

Hello, everyone. Hi. Hello.

I just want to say thank you so much

for coming to support the artist
formerly known as my mother.

(APPLAUSE)

And, yeah,
just wanted to let you know,

if you wanted to buy a painting,
you can't.

They've all been sold!

(EXCLAMATIONS AND APPLAUSE)

Yes, apart from the one of my father.

Um...

Which is fine,
because I want that one.

(LAUGHTER)
Oh.

I just want to say thank you so much
to all of you

for coming to support
my new venture.

Or can I say, my return to form!

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah. It means so much.

Florence,
thank you for believing in me.

And Heidi,

thank you for your stuff as well.

And...and Julian...? Is Julian here?

I know he's not
everyone's cup of tea right now,

but, um, I do want to thank Julian.

He's been my partner
and he's been my muse.

And one thing
we can all admire about him

is that cancellation
hasn't changed him.

He still has the same sense
of unbridled narcissism

and self-importance
he had when he was popular!

(LAUGHTER)

No. Stop. It's mean. Stop it!
Stop it. It's mean. (LAUGHS)

Um, yeah, anyway, no,

so I did want to say, um,

Julian, wherever you are...

I'm here.

..thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

To Julian.

To Julian.

You alright?
Yeah.

Where did you go?

I have some big news, actually.
Oh, yes?

I met a woman.

(BOTH GASP)

I want to apologise to you

if my previous apology
about being a thoughtless arsehole

wasn't, well, apologetic enough.

Well, that's very sweet.
And obviously I forgive you.

And I apologise to you if I've...

I don't think I've done
anything wrong, actually.

Right.

I do have to say something
I don't think you're going to like.

Oh, no.
Yeah.

Oh, no, no. Chest pains.
No. No.

It's just, like right now,
I'm feeling a little bit, like,

do I want to follow him some more,

or do I want to, you know,

finally, at long last,
follow myself?

Right.

And you'll be staying in the studio
until you figure that out?

Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Mum.

Tell me. Highlights? Lowlights?

Lowlight?

That would have to be
Julian's documentary.

Zero stars. Would not recommend.

I liked
meeting a journalist called Lucy.

Five stars. No notes.

Quick question, Mum.
Are you a racist?

Of course I'm not a racist.

That's a relief,
because Lucy is a person of colour.

Lucy is stunning.

How do you know that?

Did Dad send you a photo of her?

No, sweetheart...

Any woman you like is going to be
beautiful inside and out.

Thanks, Mum. I really wish
you were here. London is amazing.

Well, I hope to get back there
one day.

I really hope so too, Mum. Love you.

I love you too. Bye, love.

The kid'll be fine.

Time to let him have a crack
on his own.

He can look after himself, can't he?
Yeah.

And that's all because of you.

Alright, Dad.

There you go. I've upgraded you
to premium on points.

Do I get an eye mask?

Yep. And an orange juice
or a champagne upon boarding.

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

But don't get too excited

or people will know that you've
never travelled premium before,

and it'll be embarrassing.

Oh, really, Dad?

You think I'm going to lose my shit

over an orange juice
and an eye mask?

Maybe not.

But the extra leg room
might push you over the edge.

I got it. You're good, Dad.

Is this mine?
I believe it is, Dad.

Just so you know, Dad,

I don't think we really need
the results of the DNA test,

because you unlocking the anagram
tells me that you're my real father.

That's, um...
It's very sweet of you to say that.

Um, the thing is,
I did unlock the anagram

after someone pointed out to me
that it was an anagram.

Who pointed it out?

Uh, I can't remember her name now.

Uh, hangs out at the Chamberlain
Tea Room. Billie something?

Billie Piper?!

Yeah. She says hello, and, uh...
Oh, yeah. That you bailed on her.

She bailed on me.

Now, that's a fine way
to treat your muse.

She told me
that would be our secret.

Um, oh, you should also know

that I've decided to withdraw
the documentary from the market.

But wasn't the documentary
your path to redemption?

Yolanda and I never really were
on the same page.

Um, but it doesn't matter,
because I'm changing career.

I'm going into publishing.

Mmm!
Yeah.

I have, uh, found a book that
I quite like by an emerging writer.

I mean, it's a little bit rough
around the edges,

but, uh, it's got a very refreshing
and distinctive voice,

so, uh...

..so we'll see how that goes.

Alright, Dad, I'm off to bed.

Goodnight.

(PHONE CHIMES)

(TAPS SCREEN)

# Big Bear
sometimes follows the king

# Yeah, Big Bear
can do most anything

# Big bear, he's blue and he's brave

# Big bear,
he ought to have a parade

# But Big Bear doesn't want a fuss

# He's just a big blue bear
doing what he must

# Big Bear is blue and he's brave

# Big Bear, he's blue and he's...

All together.
# Brave! #

Boring!

Whoo!

I wrote the song.

I did the pictures.
Who liked the pictures?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation