All language subtitles for Austin 106

You're in Great Britain now,

and what we do is say,
"God save the King."

God save the King.

Ooh, I think I'm having
separation anxiety.

I've been toying with the idea
of doing a book about a cuckoo.

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

I'm not using
a flipping ghost-writer.

Sean's more of
a creative facilitator.

It says ghost-writer right there.

So tell him your cuckoo idea.

See if he's got any others
that are worth exploring.

I'm going to meet with
a creative facilitator,

and I'd quite like to sleep
in the studio.

(PHONE RINGS)

Julian.
Monica!

Sorry to have kept you!

Digestive?
No, thank you.

Oh. Hang on. Are they the ones
with dark chocolate?

Milk chocolate.
Ee! Ee! Ee! (LAUGHS)

I wanted to give you a few days
to get over your jet lag

before we brought you in.

Uh-oh.

You know we're appreciative
of everything you've brought

to Stone and Crow
over the past 20 years.

But it's with a heavy heart...

No, not a heavy heart.

It's with a heavy heart
that we terminate our association

with you and Big Bear.

No can do!
I have a watertight contract.

Clause 23 B of
that watertight contract

refers to reputational damage being
grounds for instant termination.

What kind of world is it

where a single mistake
can lead to a loss of livelihood?

The real world.
That's callous.

In fairness, I did say
it was with a heavy heart.

You know, I've just become a father
for a second time

to a child with special needs.

We are thrilled for you.

But that child is 28 and completely
capable of looking after himself.

But no, you can't buy them back

because the books
have our logo on it,

and we don't want to be
associated with fascism.

You know what?

Fine.

I've despaired of this
publishing house for some time,

with your ghost writers
and your collabs

and your comedians
who "write" children's books.

I'm the last of
the true professionals.

No wonder I'm out.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

Still not sure secretly
coming to London is a good idea.

I just need to keep an eye on him.

It's a bit like stalking.

It is not.

Austin won't even know we're here.

I think that's the definition
of stalking.

You look nice.

So do you.

Is the, uh...is the toothpaste
part of the look?

No, I'm just going to
Sean's studio.

He's going to pitch me
some story ideas.

Yes! Good.
Yeah. What is the process for Sean?

I mean, he writes the book,

and then you pretend to the public
that you wrote it?

That's ghosting!

Yeah, in which case, I was wondering
why you didn't ask me

if I ghostwrite your book.

Because you've been cancelled.

Yeah, but no-one would know
I was involved, would they?

'Cause I'd be the ghost-writer.

But the publishers would know.
And they've just cut ties with me.

Yeah, I thought you might
know about that.

Yeah, well, they said that they
wanted to tell you themselves

and in the spirit of us
no longer telling each other

really quite important stuff,
I thought I'd let them.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
No, that's right.

I'm really pleased they're putting
so much effort into your career.

Even if it is with Shifty Sean.

Shifty Sean?

Yeah, we call him
that because he loves alliteration.

Shifty Sean writes like shit.

Sorry, who calls him that?
Literary types.

(LAUGHS)

Do you mean you?

Yeah. Brilliant. OK, I'm off.

A quick question.
Yep.

Um...

When are you returning
to the marital bed?

'Cause I really don't sleep well
when you're not there.

Well, it's only been a few days.
You'll get used to it.

I don't want to get used to it.

Julian, you have to allow me
some time to process the fact

that you fathered a child
with another woman

while we were together,
and then destroyed the thing

that creatively
sustained us for 25 years.

And you snore.

I don't snore.
You do. You snore!

It's a terrible, terrible sound.

In Australia,
I was listening to you.

I was like,
"I ought to record that."

I thought, "I won't do that.
That would be mean."

And I thought, "Actually, hang on,

"he fathered a child with another
woman while we were together,

"and then went on
to destroy the thing

"that creatively sustained us
for 25 years.

"Maybe I will."
And I did, and listen to it.

You sound like a pickerel frog

who's been dragged around
inside an antique wardrobe.

(SNORING)

And then...

(LOUDER SNORING)

No, no, that's not me snoring.
You've done that on GarageBand.

That is you.

And then...
"Why is Big Bear wearing shoes?

"I specifically said
no footwear or corduroy."

That's intrusive.

And FYI, I would never put
Big Bear in corduroy.

I can't be held responsible
for my subconscious.

I don't even know who that guy is.
He probably supports Arsenal.

I'm going.
Hey!

Hey!

Well...

Good luck with
your fancy ghost-writer.

And, really, good luck with...

..your stuff.

(CRIES)

Are you crying, Dad?

No, no. I'm just doing
a little bit of face yoga.

9 out of 10 doctors agree
that it really helps

to temper the pain of losing
everything you care about.

Well, I'm still here.

Yes, yes, of course you are. Sorry.

And, um...

..that means a lot, obviously.

I'm trying to think of a fun way

to segue out of
this awkward moment.

Um...

I'll just walk off.

What time is it
in Canberra right now?

Don't fret about Nibbles.
The neighbours will feed him.

Do I look like I'm fretting?

Having some time away will actually
help you wrestle some power back

into your relationship.

We have equal power.

No you don't, Dad.

You treat him like a king.

You're always blowing smoke
up his arse.

What does blowing smoke
up your arse even mean?

How did it become a thing?

It's not the point.

I reckon it'd be
an unpleasant experience

for both the blower and the blowee.

But the book will still be out,
right?

No, no.
It's being pulped right now.

Publisher wants to rid itself
of any connection with me.

Pulped?
Yeah.

The books will be shredded,

then chemicals and water
will be added,

turning it into baby wipes
and toilet paper.

We can't let that happen.

It's happening.

Book will be shredded
in the morning, then, um, yeah,

people will be wiping themselves
with it by the middle of next week.

Right!

We need to save
the remaining books.

Do you happen to know
any booksellers

that'd be willing to sell them?

Well...

There are one or two independent
booksellers that owe me a favour,

but, uh, we'd have to get them
out of the warehouse first.

I mean, I wouldn't know how
to do that without breaking in.

No-one's breaking into anything.

And, uh, don't say
anything provocative.

Don't worry. I'm actually quite good
with the working class.

I mean, Ingrid's posh, but I'm more
sort of lower middle, middle middle.

You know, my grandfather worked
in the Welsh coal mines.

He was a graphic artist.

He used to paint the danger signs.

I mean, I'm not one of those
Eton-educated wankers

that's trying to take away
their beloved NHS.

Although I do believe
that the market

is a fair distributor of
economic reward.

Ooh, I should text Yolanda.

Tell her we're about to do
something embarrassing.

She'll love that.

Get down! Down!

Um, yeah. This way.

Is this a Toyota SAS 18
three-wheeler, I see?

It is, yeah.

The Toyota three-wheeler is
a magnificent piece of machinery,

but the Komatsu 20 BX50 Hysters
are probably my favourite.

You know your stuff
for a safety guy.

Most of you jokers know nothing
about the machines

you're trying to protect us from.

And what's your favourite
forklift, then, sir?

I, um, sort of like
all forklifts, mate.

Um, I don't think they should be
discriminated against

on the basis of wheel count or
whether or not they're hipsters.

Hysters.
Precisely.

Um, I don't suppose you could
point us in the direction

of the Julian Hartswood books.

Oh, not here.

This here, from that pylon to
the wall, is all Sally Rooney.

What? Strike a light!

Yeah, she's very popular.

You might want to try zone two
for, uh, Julian Larwood.

Hartswood.

Thank you very much.

For today's purposes, you don't
care enough about Julian Hartswood

to correct anyone's pronunciation
of his name.

I'm playing the character
of a safety inspector

who's a very big fan of
Julian Hartswood.

Well, I'd be very keen to see
the data on Julian Hartswood fans

in the safety inspector community.

Oi!

That's the wrong way.

Follow me.

This is, uh, miscellaneous
and, uh, emerging.

And, uh...uh, books by racists
being pulped is right here.

Thank you for your help.
No worries.

We close in 10. Be sharp.

Sure.

Two sides to every story, Taffy.

Clowns.

Aye-yi-yi.

A year's work reduced to this.

A year?

It's, like, 32 pages long, right?

And it takes you 11 days
just to write one page?

Yeah, well, writing is rewriting.

But this page just says "splat".

Well, it takes a lot of craft
to distil a complex idea

into a single onomatopoeic word.

More than half of these pages
just say "splat".

Yeah, we're here to save the books,
OK? Not review them.

Why don't you start packing
them away?

We just need to bribe
a forklift driver

to get all the books
out to the delivery bay.

Bribe them? How much?

Whatever's missing from
your wallet.

What?

Austin!
It's not stealing.

It's just forward planning.

Why, I oughta.

Oughta what?
Never mind.

Whatever.

(PHONE RINGS)

Ooh. Uh, yeah. Hello, darling.
It's me.

I'm with Austin, and we're at
218 Hornsey Road, Tufnell Park.

I need you to whizz over here
in Tiggy.

It'll all make sense
when you get here.

That's assuming
you haven't run off

to the south of France with Sean.

(LAUGHS) I'm joking.

As if you'd run off with Britain's
champion of the exhaustive simile.

Yeah, we get it, Sean.

Things are like other things.

But seriously, don't run off to
the south of France with Sean.

Um, anyway, as I say, 218...

(PHONE BEEPS)

Timed out.

Well, let's hope she gets that
in time.

Dad, I feel like I bring a lot
of bad luck into your life.

What?

No, mate!
Come on.

Well, I hate to be a contrarian,
but I think I do.

Things have been on
a downward spiral for you

ever since I first showed up,
namely your marriage.

Well, that's not your fault.

Then why do I feel responsible?

I don't know.

That's what I thought.

I'm gonna go get some crackers
from the vending machine.

Austin, don't be like that.

I'm not sure when I'll be back.

Austin!

Austin!

Could you get me
some barbecue hoops?

Now, before we start, tell me,

would you prefer
the Dutch porcelain look

or something a little more leopard,
chains and diamonds?

Oh... (LAUGHS)

No, um, you know, both are lovely.

This is really about
what makes you feel comfortable.

You're the one
that has to look at me.

Ah.

Oh, the Dutch...Dutch pot.

If I can say that.
Thank God.

Great. Yeah. Lovely.

I've already changed
three times today.

(LAUGHS)

So, this is where
the magic happens.

Please make yourself
feel comfortable.

Yeah. Great.
(VIBRATING SOUND)

My word, what was that?

The call of a pelican

at a temperature of
25 degrees centigrade

creates the optimal condition
for creativity.

I thought people were using
brown noise now.

Nobody really works
with brown noise anymore.

No?

I'm trying to think of when
that was last cool.

Maybe when I had a Walkman.

Yeah.

But we can put on
brown noise if you like.

No, no, no. No, no. No. No.
Great.

I...I want to be maximum now.

Excellent.
(PELICAN CALL)

Now, Heidi told me
about your cuckoo idea.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm, like, so obsessed with the idea
of doing a book about a cuckoo.

Well, I think a cuckoo
is a duplicitous bird

and therefore
an unworthy protagonist.

Can you generalise like that?

I mean, surely there are
some decent cuckoos.

No, I think you'll find
all cuckoos are bad.

So, I've been collating a few ideas
as starting points for the book.

Ring the bell,
if any take your fancy.

OK, I can't see a bell.
Imaginary.

OK. (LAUGHS)

Tinkle, tinkle.

Sounds weird.

What is the most maligned
animal in the animal kingdom?

The shark.
The shark.

I'd argue it's the toad.

The toad? Do you think?

Do people really
slag toads off a lot?

I mean, how many human deaths

are toads responsible for
every year?

Do you mind if we just pretend
it's the toad for the time being?

Yeah. Alright.
Yeah, whatever you want.

Well, this is a story about a toad
who's backed into a corner,

commits a crime,
and finds himself in prison.

Like Wind In The Willows
by Kenneth Grahame?

I don't know.

I've never read Wind In
The Willows by Kenneth Grahame.

I thought of this independently.

Well, yeah.

What about a story of a sad kid

who finds solace
in a giant piece of fruit

growing in his back garden?

James And The Giant Peach
by Roald Dahl.

What?

I thought of that independently!

OK, OK.

This one's actually
my favourite idea.

A little prince.

The Petit Prince by
Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

That is an all-time
children's classic.

What?

I thought of that independently.
Independently.

Are you taking the piss out of me?
Because that is not very nice.

No!
(PHONE RINGS)

Sorry. Do you mind if I...

No, please.
..take this?

Can I go...? Yeah.

Hello? Austin?
Are you alright?

Hello, stepmother.

It's come to my attention
that ever since meeting you,

your marriage to Julian
has gone from bad to worse.

Oh.

Oh, Austin.

Well, you know, we are going
through a minor rough patch,

but there's really nothing
for you to worry about.

See, I believe
there's a correlation

between that rough patch
and me coming into your lives.

These problems were there
long before we met you, Austin.

But I'm the one
who brought them to the surface.

And...that is good.

You know?

The truth sets you free.

And first, it does tend to
make you miserable.

I want to thank you for everything
you've done for me,

but I don't like seeing
you guys fight,

so I think I'm going to
take my leave.

Goodbye, stepmother.

No... Austin. Austin.

JULIAN: Austin!

Everyone's gone home.

I think you can come out now!

Austin!
(PHONE VIBRATES)

Sean?

There you are.

Hey, Sean, this has been just
such an adventure,

but, um, I'm afraid I really
don't think it's going to work.

Oh.

Sorry.
Uh...

OK, um, just...
just out of interest...

..what turned you off?

Was it the...the ideas
or the shirts?

Yeah.

Quite bigoted about cuckoos.

OK, look...

..a cuckoo stole my Gameboy
when I was a kid,

and I never got over it.

Sorry for your loss, but maybe
it's time to forgive the cuckoo.

(PELICAN CALL)

Don't think the pelicans
are helping.

That's just an eagle
attacking the pelicans.

It's OK.

I've, um, misplaced Austin.
Yes, I know.

You know that he believes that he's
the reason we're not getting on.

I told him it's not his fault.

Well, the message
isn't getting through.

What did you say?
I said, "It's not your fault."

So you didn't get to the bit
where you told him

that you could have saved Big Bear
if only you'd apologised,

but you elected not to?

Austin!

Oh, shit.
You're such an idiot.

You're an idiot.

Toothbrush, toothpaste, earplugs,
moisturiser and an eye mask.

And they give it all to you
in a little zip-up bag.

You do realise I travelled
economy, don't you?

Yeah, I do.

Well, don't you think telling me
all the wonderful things

that happened to you in premium
economy is a bit insensitive?

Well, I just thought
you might like to know

what happens in premium.

Incentivise you to save money
for next time.

How much extra did you pay
for premium economy?

Please, we just call it premium.

How much, Dad?

1,500 bucks.

What else did you get?
Leg room.

You have extremely short legs.

What else? Anything else?

Cabin crew were very nice to me.
They were very nice to me as well.

So, basically, you paid $1,500
for some toiletries.

Jeez, these stakeouts
take a long time, don't they?

Yeah, especially when you find out
premium economy is basically economy

with a complimentary eye mask.

Are we sure this is the only exit?
Yeah. No. I don't know.

Hey. (WHISTLES)

Look.

Austin, it's Julian.
Hello, Austin.

Calling Austin Hogan.
This is Ingrid speaking.

I'm with Julian, and we just wanted
to make it crystal clear

that any turbulence that
we've been experiencing

in our relationship is one million
percent nothing to do with you.

Just because Julian's
not a very nice person,

that is not your responsibility.

Hi, Austin.

Um, what Ingrid said, uh,
except for the bit

about me not being a nice person,
'cause I am a nice person.

I've just done some
not so nice things.

But as Julian always says,
action is character.

And Julian's actions
have been the actions

of a not very nice character.

And even if he did do some
nice things at the beginning,

they have been cancelled out by
his not very nice actions of now,

which I understand.

Austin, Ingrid and I are going
to have to agree to disagree,

but all this is to say
that this isn't your fault, mate.

And if you want to find us, we are
waiting in the loading dock foyer

on the east wing of the building.

Where'd you get those?

Oh, I got them in the...
they were in the medical box.

Only packet.
Can I have one?

I'm feeling a bit no.

No.

Please?
I said no.

Give us a crisp.
I said no.

I've had a really long
and trying day. No.

Raiders are up 32-12 against Manly!

Why do your mates
call you poker eyes?

Well, when I started at ASIO, staff
were tested to see how susceptible

they were to giving away
secrets under interrogation.

And you crumbled straight away.

The contrary. They got nothing.

They'd look into my eyes and it was
just like I'd had a cup of tea,

hence the name Poker Eyes.

Alright, then.

Look into my eyes,

and if you can tell me what
I'm thinking, I'll give you £5.

You're wondering if the Raiders
will give Ricky Stuart

another three year deal.

Hang on. Maybe I wasn't
in character.

Let's do it again from the top.

You're thinking, "When I get home
to the hotel,

"I'm going to order room service
spaghetti bolognese."

OK, hear me out.

We lean into the whole
Twitter controversy,

turn Big Bear into an adult series

that we can then turn
into premium television.

OK.

Breaking Big Bear.

Game Of Bears.

Big Little Bears.

Battlebear Galactica.

Or we could do a feature.

Bearback Mountain.

Bear Witch Project.

A Bear Is Born.

Who's going to play Big Bear,
though?

Benicio del Toro?
Or Antonio Banderas?

(SPANISH ACCENT) Are you Big Bear?

(SPANISH ACCENT) I am Big Bear.
Are you?

No, I am not.

Or we pivot into
the non-binary space.

Tilda Swinton.

Please get into
the nonbinary space.

You and Joanne Rowling
should write a book together.

What, are you saying that's not
my space? What's my space?

Your space is more of the
old cis white man

getting run out of the business
space.

You're really good at that.
Oh, right. And what's your space?

The, uh, what I lack in talent,
I make up for in snark space?

Ouch.

Austin, please come out.

Your father genuinely needs you.

Changing the subject for a moment.
Yeah. Please.

Do you or do you not agree

that a cuckoo is a completely
amazing protagonist

for a picture book?

Honestly?

Yeah.

Yeah, that could work.
Yeah.

Mummy cuckoo doesn't want to
look after her egg.

I mean, for legitimate reasons.
No judgement.

So she drops it off
in a warbler's nest,

and it's the story of
a young cuckoos journey

to try and discover
his genetic family,

only to discover
the place he really belongs...

BOTH: Is in a family of warblers.

You're annoyingly good at that.

OK, here's the plan.

I'm going to do one last sweep,

you back Tiggy up
to the loading bay doors.

I'm going to grab a few copies
for family and friends.

If Austin's not here
by the time we load it up,

we call missing persons.

Gotcha.

I thought you said
you only had one packet.

Oh, well, that was a lie.

You're getting this, aren't you?

Oh, I'm getting everything.

Where are the rest?

Too heavy!
You're a weakling.

No sign of Austin?

Do you reckon he's still here?

I mean,
surely he's got out somehow.

Yeah. We better call him.

Hi! Austin! We're off now!

Ingrid's brought some fresh bread,

and we're going to make
some chocolate spread

and mustard sandwiches.

And then take in
a Doctor Who marathon.

The Tennant and Piper years.

And, Austin...

..we love you.

(HONKING)

Open the boot! Open the boot!

Austin?

Austin!

Austin, you genius! You genius!

You clever, clever, clever man!

Let's do this!
We have to move!

You didn't get that
from your father.

No.

OK, let me just...
Oh, guys. Come on!

Even my mother can lift better
than you guys!

(SIGHS)

Should I just go give him
a little cuddle?

Under no circumstances.

Alright, poker eyes.

Let's get you back to the hotel
so you can call Canberra

and check on how Nibbles is going.

Does separate bedrooms mean

no creative workshops
outside office hours?

I think no creative workshops
outside office hours until...

..we work out what direction

we want our
out of office hours to take.

Good night, Austin.

It's good to have you back.

Good night, Stepmother.

Creative workshops outside
office hours means sex, right?

Yes, mate. Yeah.

Sounds about right.

It's a pleasure to meet you,
Florence. My half sister.

I actually stink.
Yes.

It's my Phantom series.
I think you should exhibit.

Wait, is that our dad?
Yeah.

What is going on with
this documentary screening?

How promising is a rough cut?
It's really promising.

What could possibly go wrong?

Welcome to my film.

(CRIES)

Oh, my God.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation