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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,880
You're trending.
You retweeted a white supremacist.
2
00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:04,920
Retweeted a what?
A Nazi.
3
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:05,920
Jesus!
4
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:08,360
Well, how was I supposed to know?
He didn't have any of the gear on.
5
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,760
I'm pretty sure that...
6
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,400
..I'm your son.
7
00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:12,880
JULIAN:
There's no way I can be your father.
8
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:14,680
It was only a couple of times...ish.
INGRID: Sorry?
9
00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:16,320
Are you arguing the toss about
how babies are made?
10
00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,120
AUSTIN: Probably should have
mentioned this earlier,
11
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,320
but I'm on the autism spectrum.
12
00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,560
I mean, famous children's book
author, son's autistic,
13
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,560
dad goes
on a journey of understanding.
14
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,200
There could be a book in it.
Could be a documentary.
15
00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,760
So...perhaps,
16
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,280
I don't know,
we could grab some lunch tomorrow.
17
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:39,280
I'd really like that.
18
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,640
Thank you, Mr Hartswood.
19
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,200
Oh, please! "Mr Hartswood".
20
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,520
Just call me, erm...
21
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:47,680
..Jules.
22
00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:48,880
Call me Jules if you like.
23
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:53,520
I was wondering if you
wouldn't mind me calling you Dad?
24
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,080
Or how about...
25
00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:56,760
..my middle name's Tristram.
26
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,240
No. Sorry, uh...uh, Father.
27
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,640
Uh, D-Dad.
28
00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,320
Uh...Dad's cool.
29
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:03,320
OK, then.
30
00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:06,200
I guess I'll see you tomorrow
for lunch...
31
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,840
..then...
32
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,360
..Dad.
33
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:26,600
Mum.
34
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,000
Dad and I have arranged
to go out for lunch tomorrow.
35
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,080
'Dad'?
At a restaurant.
36
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,160
A restaurant? That's a bit formal.
37
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,880
Maybe I should come with you.
I'd actually prefer that you didn't.
38
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,720
Well...I'm a good plus one.
Mum!
39
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,280
I'm a grown man.
I know.
40
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,760
But...I don't know. I'm fun.
41
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,800
Are you trying to muscle in
on my quality time with Dad?
42
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,400
Why did you tell me about him
if you didn't want me to meet him?
43
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,200
Well, you sort of
backed me into a corner.
44
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,720
Technically,
you were sitting at the table.
45
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,000
A metaphorical corner.
46
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,440
And I'd had a big glass of rose.
47
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,400
Anyway, a restaurant?
48
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,720
Let's just go together.
49
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,560
Mum! I can do this on my own.
50
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:02,280
What if at the restaurant,
what if there's a screaming child?
51
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:03,880
Why would there be
a screaming child?
52
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:08,080
Are...are you trying to add to
Austin's list of no-go locations?
53
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,840
Restaurants are fine, Austin.
54
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:10,840
Thanks, Grandad.
55
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:14,560
At least one person is beginning
to make some sense around here.
56
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,080
Just let him meet the man for lunch.
57
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,760
I just don't know
what his intentions are.
58
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,240
Well, you should have worried
about his intentions
59
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,280
28 years ago. (LAUGHS)
60
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:26,480
Yes. Thank you, Dad.
61
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,840
FLORENCE:
(ANGRILY) No, no. Thank you.
62
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:30,800
I mean, really,
it's great explaining to everyone
63
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,720
what it's like growing up
with a racist as a father.
64
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,880
Hang on.
I may as well just drop out of uni.
65
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,040
The best revenge, Florence,
would be first-class honours.
66
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,160
First of all, Flo, I don't see
why you'd need to quit uni.
67
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,280
FLORENCE: Oh, really?
68
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,400
Everyone knowing you're a massive
racist doesn't give me cause?
69
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,800
Well, that doesn't make YOU a racist.
70
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,840
The first move there should have
been to deny BEING a racist.
71
00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,200
Well, I'd hope everyone here
knows that.
72
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,520
FLORENCE: Do you know what?
73
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:50,280
Do you know that the lecturers
give trigger warnings
74
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:51,640
when I walk into class?
75
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:52,840
Well, I suppose that is thoughtful.
76
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,240
It's just a misunderstanding, you
know. We're...we're sorting it out.
77
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:56,440
The reason we're actually calling
78
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,440
is 'cause we have
some big news to tell you, Flo.
79
00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:02,040
Your father's had an affair
with an Australian woman.
80
00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,040
What? Dad!
81
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:05,120
You've only been there
for a few days.
82
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:07,520
It was almost 30 years ago,
and it wasn't an affair,
83
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:08,680
and that's not the big news.
84
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,800
Well, if it wasn't an affair,
Julian, what was it?
85
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:13,400
The big news
is that you have a half-brother.
86
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:17,480
I've discovered
I have a son here called Austin.
87
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,120
Yes, it was the sort of non-affair
that produces a baby.
88
00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,680
I mean, you're just
trolling my mental health now.
89
00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:27,880
Crusts, Grandad?
90
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,000
Well, I'm not an animal.
91
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,640
Right. I've had a brainwave.
92
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:32,720
Debatable.
93
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,440
Well, I was thinking,
it might be more fun
94
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:38,360
if Julian comes here to
the house today for lunch instead.
95
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,200
You know, more fun. Yeah?
96
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,840
Well, I don't want
to offend you both, but...
97
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,120
..I'm not sure
I want Dad to meet you guys
98
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:46,440
before he's properly bonded with me.
99
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,920
Well, he's already met your mother.
100
00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:50,720
More than once, I'd say.
101
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:51,720
Righto, Dad.
102
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,800
My father is a man of letters.
103
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,040
He lives in London, for God's sake.
104
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:58,480
He's used to mixing
with artists, judges, ombudsmen.
105
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,520
Well, I...I do sudoku.
106
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,360
MEL: Look,
if he comes to the house, Austin,
107
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:04,000
you'll be able
to show him your models.
108
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:07,400
I did think that a great way
to get to know me could be
109
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,400
a PowerPoint presentation!
110
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:10,640
MEL: There you go.
111
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,080
I think
you're onto something there, Mum.
112
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,760
Good grief. Well,
uh, thank you very much. (SIGHS)
113
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,880
You're up early. Where have you been?
Swimming.
114
00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:22,600
Remember when
Big Bear's barn burned down?
115
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,920
He's devastated but
then realises he can see the moon?
116
00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,680
Yeah.
I've had one of those moments.
117
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,200
Like, maybe there's a silver lining
in this for me too.
118
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,200
I mean, after all,
119
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:35,960
to rebalance the marriage, I
now feel that I am owed my own, A...
120
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,240
..baby...
121
00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,720
A baby?
..and, B, extramarital wham-whams.
122
00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,200
You're 51.
That's not physically possible.
123
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,280
I mean, I'm...I'm talking
about the first one, not the second.
124
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:46,320
Oh, that's just not true.
125
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,680
Isabella the trumpeter saw a doctor,
Dr Rostami, in Cyprus,
126
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,560
who helped her conceive naturally,
more or less, at the age of 53.
127
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,080
Well, that's certainly a thought
to get the passions racing. (LAUGHS)
128
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:57,120
A glib remark, Julian?
129
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,840
And it wasn't
technically extramarital,
130
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,520
as we weren't married at that point.
131
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,000
Is this semantics as well?
132
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:03,320
It was more like extra...curricular?
133
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,680
No, that doesn't sound, erm...
Extracurr...extracurricular?
134
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,960
Oh, very well put, Julian. What?
So I'm maths and she's netball?
135
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,080
(SIGHS)
136
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,400
(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
I didn't mean that.
137
00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,960
(CONTINUES IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Shit.
138
00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,240
Idiota! Idiota!
139
00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:21,000
Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
140
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,880
One oat latte.
141
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,520
Thanks.
142
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:31,840
Nice tatt.
143
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:33,400
(LAUGHS)
144
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:34,720
..toos.
145
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:36,160
Did it hurt?
146
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,520
(LAUGHS) Uh...nup.
147
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,240
I've always wanted a tattoo.
148
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,320
Don't do it.
149
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,360
Pure skin's much sexier.
150
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,640
Ingrid.
Luke.
151
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,440
Yeah. No, that's, uh...
152
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,440
Is there, um...
(LAUGHS)
153
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,600
..anything else
I can do for you, Ingrid?
154
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:54,840
I don't know! (LAUGHS)
155
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,800
Um...I was thinking
of maybe taking up
156
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,600
an extracurricular activity
157
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,480
and...just wondered if you...
158
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,280
..had anything you'd recommend.
159
00:06:06,280 --> 00:06:08,720
Have you ever tried bouldering?
160
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,240
Beg your pardon?
161
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,360
Oh, yes.
162
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,920
N-no. Um...
163
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:17,960
But I have been truffle-hunting
in the Dolomites.
164
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,480
MAN: Order up.
165
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:20,960
Excuse me.
166
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:21,960
Right.
167
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,800
Truffle-hunting in the Dolomites!
168
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:27,000
JULIAN: Ah.
Hello.
169
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,000
There you are.
Yep.
170
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:31,400
Erm...just had a call from Mel.
That's Austin's mum.
171
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:34,040
Let me guess. Austin's a twin.
172
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:37,440
Oh, no. She suggested lunch
at her house today.
173
00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,440
Oh, how very nice.
174
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:42,520
You and me and the woman you had
a non-extramarital affair with.
175
00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:45,600
Well...actually, she didn't
specifically mentioned you by name.
176
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,680
Ah, but I'm sure you're invited.
177
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,840
Erm...I just thought it'd probably
be a bit boring for you, you know.
178
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:53,440
Why don't you just stay here
and, um...relax?
179
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,280
Shall I? Shall I do that?
180
00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:57,400
Uh, yeah.
181
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,320
No.
182
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:02,920
No. No, of course not.
183
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,480
You should, erm...
Because I AM coming.
184
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:05,560
Great.
Yep.
185
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,200
(INAUDIBLE)
186
00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:21,160
Is that what you're wearing?
Is that what YOU'RE wearing?
187
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,800
Well, minus the apron.
188
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,560
What are you making?
189
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,160
Vegetable lasagne. Salad. Wine.
190
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,320
Mum! These people are
from Great Britain, for Pete's sake.
191
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,880
Home of Rosamund Pike,
Billie Piper, David Tennant,
192
00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,680
The Great British Bake Off.
193
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:38,560
Now, where is it? Ah!
194
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,120
Now, what about this?
195
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,400
Lobster thermidor.
196
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:44,280
I'm making vegetable lasagne,
Austin.
197
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:45,840
If you want lobster thermidor,
you can make it.
198
00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:47,680
OK, so...
199
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,160
..where do we keep the lobsters?
200
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:52,640
(INGRID SIGHS)
201
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,600
What's that?
202
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,400
Yeah, Heidi's PR guys
drafted a statement.
203
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:05,320
(INDISTINCT ACCENT) "I wholeheartedly
apologise for the offence caused."
204
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:06,880
What accent
do you think you're doing exactly?
205
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:08,200
South Africa, I think.
206
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,800
Could be Holland.
207
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:11,440
Erm...
208
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:12,560
..yeah.
209
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,720
Erm...how about
210
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,160
"I apologise
IF any offence was caused"?
211
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,040
I think that's more my voice.
212
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,720
If it was your voice, Julian,
it'd be more nasally and obnoxious.
213
00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:24,040
I think you should just leave it.
Whole thing's a bit kneejerk anyway.
214
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:25,360
(SIGHS)
215
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:26,920
I think we should just park it.
216
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,520
I'm feeling a bit DON'T park it.
217
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,120
What time is it ready?
218
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,800
That comes out of the oven
at quarter past.
219
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,520
Is that by the clock on the oven
or your timepiece?
220
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,560
Clock on the oven.
221
00:08:41,560 --> 00:08:42,600
Can you give me your timepiece?
222
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,960
I'd like to synchronise it
to the clock on the oven.
223
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:45,960
It's synchronised.
224
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,600
You weren't accurate
when the clocks changed
225
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,920
and it's been three minutes out
for months.
226
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,240
No, it hasn't.
227
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,680
You're perpetually
three minutes late, Mum.
228
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,760
I thought you were doing it
to wind me up,
229
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,040
only I realise it's merely neglect.
230
00:08:58,040 --> 00:08:59,920
(DOORBELL RINGS TWICE)
231
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,360
I'll get that.
232
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,400
JULIAN: Mel! Wow.
233
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,800
Uh, you haven't changed a bit.
234
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,200
Erm...
235
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:12,200
..you don't look a day older.
236
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,320
This is...
237
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,920
..my wonderful wife, Ingrid...
238
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,120
..who also doesn't look a day...
239
00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:18,920
Julian, drop it.
240
00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:20,640
(MEL LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Hello.
241
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:21,720
Hi. How's it going?
242
00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:22,800
Yes. Sorry, what?
243
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,920
Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.
244
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:25,960
Oh. Oh. (LAUGHS)
245
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,560
Now, Julian,
before we do this, I need to know.
246
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,640
Are you fully in on this?
You're not gonna bail?
247
00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:31,960
What, on lunch?
No, we've brought wine.
248
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,640
Erm...yeah. Very expensive wine.
249
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,560
Why is Australian wine
so much more expensive than French?
250
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:37,560
Julian!
251
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,880
No, I mean bail on Austin.
252
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,880
Like, you...
253
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,160
..I don't want you waltzing
into his life and right back out.
254
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:47,400
Waltzing?
So before we do this, are you in?
255
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,440
Right. Um...
256
00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:54,600
That's sort of...putting me
on the spot a bit. (LAUGHS)
257
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:55,600
He's autistic.
258
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,160
He's vulnerable.
259
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,160
Yeah, well, so am I!
260
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,000
Uh, we wouldn't actually
be in this predicament if...
261
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,840
..I don't know,
you'd thought to tell me I had a son
262
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,440
sometime in the past few decades!
263
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,880
Julian! You're shouting.
264
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,480
I'm not shouting!
Whoa!
265
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,040
Why does anyone with clear diction
always get told...
266
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:12,400
Shall we take this, uh,
tete-a-tete inside?
267
00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,360
Better acoustics.
268
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:17,400
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh! Goodness.
269
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,880
It's Julian, right?
Hi. Yeah.
270
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,040
I'm Bill. Or William if you want.
271
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,080
William! Hello. Yes.
272
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,520
I don't actually know why
I said that. It's...it's just Bill.
273
00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:29,720
Right. Uh, this is Ingrid, my wife.
274
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,440
(LAUGHS)
Thank you so much for having us.
275
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:33,720
It's a pleasure.
276
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,760
Uh...Julian, uh,
277
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,600
I've got something for you.
278
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:38,640
Oh!
279
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,880
It's, uh, 28 years too late,
but, uh...
280
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,320
Don't give him the condom, Dad.
281
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,160
Well, I can't now!
282
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,200
You've ruined the punchline.
283
00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:50,800
Ah!
284
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,840
Hello, Dad.
285
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,200
Hello, Ingrid.
286
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,640
I apologise about my family.
287
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,200
It's kind of embarrassing.
288
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,000
I'm just trying to break the ice.
289
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,560
Great.
290
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:03,720
You look very smart.
291
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:04,720
Yes. Thank you.
292
00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:06,000
Um...uh,
293
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,960
may I start you off with a beverage?
294
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,560
Oh! Yes, indeed.
295
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:10,920
That's very kind.
296
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,720
This is very, um...
297
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,440
..laminated.
298
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,720
I was trying to give him this, but
your...your...your mother ruined it.
299
00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,880
It's an excellent joke, Dad,
and you tell it well.
300
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,720
Excuse me a moment.
301
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,360
Hope you didn't buy it
especially, Bill.
302
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,320
BILL: Oh, no, no.
303
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,960
They've got a little dish of them
down at the doctor's.
304
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,240
I was, uh,
getting my bloods for my prostate.
305
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,120
Have you
had your prostate checked, Julian?
306
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,840
(SIGHS) Sort of feel like I'm having
it examined right now. (LAUGHS)
307
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,520
That's the wit of the British
right there.
308
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:44,760
(LAUGHS)
309
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:47,520
Do you know who you remind me of?
310
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:48,640
Uh...no. Go on.
311
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:49,920
Uh, Hugh Grant?
No.
312
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,160
Hugh Laurie?
313
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,520
No.
(LAUGHS)
314
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,360
Mrs Brown's Boys.
315
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,080
The bloke in the dress!
316
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,120
Brilliant!
(BOTH LAUGH)
317
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,640
Yeah.
318
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,480
(LAUGHS)
319
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,120
So...
(BOTH LAUGH)
320
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,240
This is incredibly awkward.
321
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,160
(BOTH LAUGH)
322
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,280
Bit of a shock.
323
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:12,120
Um, but...
324
00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:14,280
..no hard feelings.
325
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,240
Hard feelings? Why...?
326
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,000
Well, you obviously
didn't know about me, so...
327
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,000
..it's not your fault.
328
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,200
Or...
329
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:26,320
..did you?
330
00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,960
Well, not until after we broke up.
331
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,840
Broke up? What, do you...
you mean you were...?
332
00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,240
Uh, I...I think we were actually
333
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,560
technically seeing him
at the same time.
334
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,160
You have got to be kidding me.
335
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:40,280
I mean, I thought WE were a couple
until he said we'd not had the chat.
336
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,200
What chat?
And then you guys went to Italy?
337
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,640
Hang on. What...uh...
338
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,840
Florence, maybe?
Oh! You've got to be kidding me!
339
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,080
He...he said
the tickets were non-refundable.
340
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,080
(GASPS)
Anyway.
341
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:54,280
Uh, uh...look, he obviously
definitely chose the right woman.
342
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:57,240
I mean...
He... What an absolute toad.
343
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,000
You know what? I might actually
have one of these too.
344
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,880
What a colossal clod-humping...
345
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:03,480
..fink.
346
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:06,400
Doctor puts on gloves,
bit of lube on the finger.
347
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,840
It's over in a few minutes.
348
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:09,680
I was, uh,
349
00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:13,360
quite worried
b-beforehand, uh, you know, but, uh,
350
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,640
in the end, I think, erm,
not an unpleasant experience.
351
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,480
Not that I...
I got aroused or anything, but...
352
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,680
It'd be fine, uh, if I did.
353
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:22,960
I mean, I'm...
I'm not homo...uh, uh...
354
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,040
..uh, um, erm...
355
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,440
..if...if...
people accuse me of being gay,
356
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,360
I'm...I'm...I'm flattered.
357
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,040
Not that it's an accusation, but...
hey, you know, it's not a crime.
358
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:36,000
Well...well, it still is in
some African nations, sadly, and...
359
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,280
..even in this country.
360
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,720
They didn't let 'em get married
until 2017.
361
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:44,200
Uh, uh, I guess
the point I'm trying to make is,
362
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:47,400
I didn't mind
having a finger in my bum. (LAUGHS)
363
00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,840
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
364
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:51,080
I'll have a glass of red wine.
365
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,440
You got it, Dad.
A large one, please.
366
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,640
Austin tells me
your book tour's been cancelled.
367
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,880
Hmm. Cancelled.
368
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,240
That word again, Julian.
369
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,560
Storm in a teacup. (LAUGHS)
Is it?
370
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:04,600
Yes. Yes, it is.
Is it, though?
371
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:05,600
Yes.
Is it actually?
372
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:07,080
Yes, it is.
AUSTIN: Correction, Grandad.
373
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,240
I did not say that Dad's BOOK TOUR
has been cancelled.
374
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,400
Thank you, Austin.
I said DAD'S been cancelled.
375
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:13,400
I mean, uh...
376
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,760
Julian reposted a racist
on social media.
377
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,040
I didn't know the guy was racist,
and the post itself wasn't racist.
378
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,480
So you just repeated something
not racist that a racist said?
379
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,480
Exactly. Yeah.
Well, that's fine.
380
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,720
Thank you, Austin. You're the first
person to take a rational view.
381
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,440
You must be concerned
it'll affect sales.
382
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,760
Yes, I think it WILL affect sales.
I think the jury's out.
383
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:32,800
I think the jury's very much in.
384
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,160
I think the jury's out.
MEL: Dad.
385
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,120
Julian and Ingrid didn't come here
to answer your questions.
386
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:39,200
Correct. They came to answer MINE.
387
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,520
(SIGHS AND CLEARS THROAT)
388
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:46,320
According to your Wikipedia entry,
389
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,160
it mentions
you've been six times nominated
390
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,400
for the British Book Awards
for children's literature
391
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,240
and won three times.
392
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:55,240
Mmm.
393
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:59,280
But on your publisher's website,
it states that you've won only once.
394
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,640
Oh. Curious.
MEL: Austin.
395
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:01,720
How many of these questions
396
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:05,040
are about inconsistencies
with the, uh, Wikipedia page?
397
00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,440
18.
Maybe skip over these questions.
398
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,200
If we skip them,
they won't be resolved.
399
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:10,440
Austin, just skip them.
400
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,600
Fine!
401
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,760
Why did you have sex with my mother?
402
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:17,760
(COUGHS)
Oh!
403
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,640
Uh, uh...uh, Austin, mate,
you can't ask that.
404
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,120
Sorry. He's very direct.
(JULIAN COUGHS)
405
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,080
Doesn't beat around the bush.
(LAUGHS)
406
00:15:25,080 --> 00:15:27,440
Pun intended. (LAUGHS)
407
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:28,800
Uh, no, no, no. Pun not intended.
408
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,440
INGRID: Julian IS his dad.
409
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,840
I think Austin should be able to ask
whatever he wants.
410
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,440
And I, for one,
would love to know that answer.
411
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:36,960
BILL: Oh.
412
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,240
Uh...well, Austin, erm...
413
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,800
..I mean, we were very young.
414
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:41,800
Erm..
415
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:44,400
..I mean, your...
your mother was very attractive.
416
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,440
I mean, IS very attractive.
417
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,560
Was, uh, very attractive.
418
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,040
And...we got to know each other.
419
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:52,360
And...
420
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,800
..I came to respect her enormously.
421
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,360
Then...
422
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,560
..one thing led to...
423
00:15:58,560 --> 00:15:59,560
..another.
424
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,360
I mean, the world of events catering
is a very charged atmosphere.
425
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:03,360
So...you know...
426
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:07,320
Not for one minute
did I think it would lead to...
427
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:08,840
..uh, a child.
428
00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:09,920
Yeah.
429
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,320
Do you not know how sex works?
430
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,200
(LAUGHS)
431
00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:16,520
It's a fair point.
432
00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,320
Maybe we go back
to the Wikipedia questions.
433
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,000
Let's go back
to the Wikipedia questions, then.
434
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,760
Were you at any point intending
435
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:24,360
to ask for my mother's hand
in marriage?
436
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,000
Oh, that is
such a good question, Austin.
437
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,760
JULIAN: (SIGHS) Honestly...
438
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,960
..I mean,
it popped into my head, once,
439
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,080
uh, while we were actually, um...
440
00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,840
Sorry, is that a bit too honest?
441
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:41,000
I...I can be
a bit too honest sometimes.
442
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,200
I...I think that's why I...
I became a writer, erm, actually.
443
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,640
Um...
444
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,920
Well, I have a question for you,
Austin.
445
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,280
Sure.
How long have you known about me?
446
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,440
Well, Mum always told me
that I was conceived
447
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,520
with the help of a sperm donor.
448
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:58,240
(LAUGHS)
Which is kind of true, really.
449
00:16:58,240 --> 00:17:00,800
But then, when I told her that
I was coming to your book signing,
450
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:03,280
because
I'm an all-time Big Bear fan,
451
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,040
she finally admitted the truth.
452
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,440
You told him I was a sperm donor?
453
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,080
Uh, would you care to see
one of my castle models, Dad?
454
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,840
Erm...
455
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:14,880
Wait a minute.
456
00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:17,280
When did you find out
you were pregnant?
457
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,120
Couple of weeks after I got home.
458
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:22,040
How long were you two
actually shagging for?
459
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,120
Three months.
Two weeks.
460
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,800
Look,
you should actually be flattered.
461
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,160
I was trying to choose between you
and you won!
462
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,520
Or...
463
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:34,920
..did you choose me because our
holiday was non-refundable, Julian?
464
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,560
Yes, I've...I've been told.
465
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,440
JULIAN:
Oh... (LAUGHS) ..well, I'm sorry.
466
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,920
Some of us have to work for a living.
467
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,160
And did you marry me
for my financial cushion?
468
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,800
Oh!
469
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:46,160
I have Edinburgh, Durham and...
470
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,440
..Windsor.
471
00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,240
(SIGHS)
472
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,880
So nice to have a base, isn't it?
473
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,520
Ooh, they've
waved their magic wand in here.
474
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,120
Hey.
475
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:10,840
That Bill's a character, isn't he?
476
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,480
(LAUGHS)
I mean, maybe a tad broad, but, uh...
477
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,200
What are you doing?
478
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,280
Spritzing perfume.
479
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:19,560
For, uh...?
480
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:21,560
I'm going out.
481
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,720
For...for a walk or...?
482
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,920
You know, I'm just having so many
unmanageable emotions, Julian.
483
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,120
I think it's best if I have
my affair now, get it out the way.
484
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,200
You're gonna have an affair NOW?
485
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,840
Yeah. Well, I mean, or what?
486
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,000
Have my heart turn black
and age in dog years?
487
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,120
But affairs
take a while to brew, don't they?
488
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,880
You know, to marinate.
489
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,680
Oh, is that so?
So I'm told.
490
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,240
You're quite the sexpert
all of a sudden.
491
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,560
I'm not a sexpert.
492
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,160
You don't think
I CAN have an affair.
493
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:47,160
Well, I'm just saying.
494
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,480
I mean...
495
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,720
..we're not getting any younger,
are we? (LAUGHS)
496
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:52,040
Watch me.
497
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,840
I said WE. I said
WE'RE not getting any younger. WE!
498
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,080
Wait! What about the baby?
Let's go to Cyprus.
499
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,240
It's not either/or, Julian.
500
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,320
(DOOR OPENS)
What do you mean, it's not either/or?
501
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,720
You're gonna have a baby as well?
502
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,240
Where there's a willy...
503
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:06,520
..there's a way.
504
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:07,520
(DOOR CLOSES)
505
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,120
I didn't get to give my PowerPoint.
506
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,080
Oh. Maybe next time.
507
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:16,840
Mum, Grandad,
508
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,640
do you think
I personally came across OK?
509
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:24,840
Because I'm very keen to ingratiate
myself with my father and Ingrid.
510
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,400
Partly for emotional reasons
511
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,120
and partly because
I'd like to visit Britain.
512
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,600
Oh! Austin.
As always, you were a delight.
513
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,240
Topnotch, pal.
Good.
514
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:38,720
Now, I jotted down a few notes
on how YOU performed,
515
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,680
a list of positives and work-ons.
516
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,960
Mum, your outfit could have been
a little more formal/ladylike,
517
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,680
but on the plus side,
you smell great.
518
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,800
Grandad, you did not smell great.
519
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,640
Really? We're getting
a performance review, are we?
520
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,600
Would you prefer I emailed it?
Possibly.
521
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,560
Make sure you copy in Grandad.
522
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:00,280
Roger that.
523
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,720
LUKE: Ingrid.
524
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:10,840
Hi.
525
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,480
You remember me? (LAUGHS)
526
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:14,800
Remember you? Of course.
527
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,320
(LAUGHS)
What can I get you?
528
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:18,360
Something...
529
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,280
I don't know. What do you recommend?
530
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,320
I'm feeling a bit...
531
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:23,880
..daring.
532
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:26,000
Oh, really?
Mmm.
533
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:29,280
Maybe...uh...
534
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,640
Spicy margarita.
535
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,120
Spicy margarita! Yeah, yeah, yeah!
536
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,120
Sorry. Um...
537
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:38,160
Yeah, but I'll...I'll...
I'll have that.
538
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,880
The hotter, the better.
539
00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,120
Hot and spicy coming up.
(LAUGHS)
540
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:54,800
No. You have to guess.
541
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,640
How old do you think I am?
542
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,040
Um...
543
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,240
..well, your face is...
544
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,480
But your decolletage...
545
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,560
Ooh. My decolletage.
546
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:05,640
Low blow.
547
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,600
I'm gonna say...
548
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,040
..42?
549
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:11,840
Nicely done.
550
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,720
I'm 51.
551
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:16,800
Honestly, over 35,
I think it's hard to tell.
552
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:17,840
Ingrid.
553
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:18,840
Mm-hm?
554
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:21,120
Have you ever been
with a younger man?
555
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,880
When I was younger. Yeah.
556
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,480
Since being older.
557
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:27,480
Oh, I see.
558
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:28,480
Erm...
559
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:30,920
..no, I haven't.
560
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:36,200
Just how young are you?
561
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,480
30.
562
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,000
30?
563
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,520
And I, uh, finish in half an hour.
564
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,360
Drink me?
565
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,280
Drink... Sorry, I beg your pardon?
566
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,680
Drink with me?
567
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:47,880
Oh.
568
00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,360
Ooh. (LAUGHS)
569
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,200
Can I phone a friend? (LAUGHS)
570
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,680
29 minutes.
571
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:00,440
Hot.
572
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,400
Go.
573
00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:04,040
Hot.
574
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:07,160
Hot.
575
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:08,800
JULIAN:
Yeah, she's just gone out for a bit.
576
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,520
We're, um, uh...
577
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,880
Oh, that's fine.
It'll all be fine. You know.
578
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,280
I think she just wants to,
you know...
579
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,920
..show me that she has some, uh...
580
00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:19,960
..you know...
581
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,800
..that she's taking this lying down.
582
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,880
I mean, not lying down.
583
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,320
Won't be lying down at all.
584
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,440
Huh.
585
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,520
MAN:
So...just the club sandwich, then?
586
00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:33,200
Yes, please. Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
587
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,640
(CRUNCHES)
588
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:38,800
For me, it's...
589
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,000
..it's not just a sport.
590
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,840
It's a spiritual thing. You know?
(LAUGHS)
591
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,280
Just out there alone on the water,
592
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:47,080
in the majesty of nature.
593
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,800
Just you and...
(LAUGHS)
594
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:49,800
..the ocean.
595
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:50,800
(LAUGHS)
596
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,000
I never thought of snorkelling
in that way before.
597
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,200
You...should really give it a go.
Yeah.
598
00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:58,480
You'd love it.
(LAUGHS) Yeah?
599
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:00,080
I've done it three times.
(LAUGHS)
600
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,320
Only sunk once.
601
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,000
(LAUGHS)
602
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:05,440
We're just here.
Oh, right. Yeah. (LAUGHS)
603
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:06,960
Careful. Oh!
Oh! Watch out.
604
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:08,080
Careful. Me too.
605
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:09,720
(LAUGHS)
606
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,760
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
607
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,040
(KEYS CLATTER)
608
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,960
(LAUGHS)
609
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,040
Whoo!
610
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:25,040
(LAUGHS)
611
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,160
Would you like a drink?
612
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,320
Yeah.
613
00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,880
Actually, I'd quite like some water.
614
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,600
When I get back, you
can tell me some more weird stuff
615
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:34,720
about the old days.
616
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,400
(LAUGHS)
617
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,680
Yeah, we used to have
a kind of video called Betamax.
618
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,640
Discman.
619
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,600
(LIQUID POURS)
Nice pics.
620
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:47,080
Is this your mum?
621
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:49,600
That is my ex-girlfriend, Deborah.
622
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:52,720
That's my mum.
623
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,880
When you were a kid,
was TV really...
624
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,080
..black-and-white?
625
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,000
Whoa.
626
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,160
I'm sorry, I'm just...
627
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,920
..I'm just...
I'm just feeling a little bit, um...
628
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,640
Are you having a vasomotor dilation?
629
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,520
I beg your pardon?
Hot flush.
630
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:12,640
Uh...
631
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:14,320
That is...
632
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,960
I'll get some ice cubes.
633
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,640
So sexy. (SIGHS)
634
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,160
(SIGHS)
635
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,920
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
636
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:44,280
Ingrid.
637
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,720
Did...did you...
638
00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:49,440
No. No.
639
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,040
Sorry.
You...you don't have to answer that.
640
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:53,080
I got a bit drunk.
641
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:54,840
Me too.
642
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,080
I actually got locked in the gym.
643
00:24:57,080 --> 00:24:59,960
And I ate a LOT of food.
644
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,240
(LAUGHS)
645
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,560
Well done.
646
00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:04,920
That's very pathetic.
No.
647
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:05,920
Look. Look.
648
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,520
I'm sorry. Really.
649
00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:09,720
Are you?
650
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:11,880
I know.
651
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,960
It's just...you know, I just...
652
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:14,960
..needed...
653
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,440
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't...have a revenge affair.
654
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,000
It's just...
it's such a lot to process.
655
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,440
It was ages ago.
656
00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,880
I hadn't fallen in love with you yet.
We'd only just begun.
657
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:31,160
And we had a holiday in Italy,
but what WERE you to do?
658
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:32,440
Well, precisely.
659
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,040
Well... (SIGHS)
660
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,040
..no, I mean...
661
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:38,840
..obviously, I loved you more
than non-refundable tickets.
662
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:41,040
Do you?
663
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,800
You know I do.
664
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:46,440
Do you, though?
665
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,480
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
666
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:52,040
OK.
667
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,800
Julian. Menopause...
668
00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,800
What about it?
669
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,800
Does that turn you on?
670
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:03,800
No.
671
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:04,880
Erm...
672
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:06,440
..should it?
673
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,840
Uh-uh.
674
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,000
I was wondering whether
you might like to spend the day
675
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,360
hanging out together.
676
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:30,240
I think it's important that we bond.
677
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,760
Just checking in
about the documentary.
678
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,360
I want you
to manage your expectations, Julian,
679
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:34,760
because it's not gonna happen
overnight.
680
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,160
JULIAN: I could never forgive myself
681
00:26:36,160 --> 00:26:39,320
if I didn't capture
these precious moments in 4K.
682
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:40,800
Morning.
Morning!
683
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:43,160
You secretly making a documentary?
What?!
684
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:47,360
Are you secretly making me
make a documentary?
685
00:26:47,360 --> 00:26:49,920
Dad? Do you think we bonded today?
686
00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:53,440
Captions by Red Bee Media
687
00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,760
Copyright
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
48268
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