All language subtitles for Austin 101

Hey, Dizzy. Best hangover cure -
sardines on toast.

Simone.

Just because he plays guitar

does not mean that
you're in love with him.

Bye, Brian.

And remember,
Joe Rogan is not a scientist.

MAN: Ozzie, my man!

All the best for tomorrow, mate.

Austin! Come on, mate!

We've actually got
a lot more in common than you think.

Like, we both really like...

..your mum.

The only thing that
we have in common, Eric,

is that we're both forklift drivers
and are 60% water.

Goodbye, Eric. Heads up!

Hello, Tam.

I have prepared for you

a list of Meryl Streep's
best performances in films,

for which she did not
receive an Oscar,

starting with Death Becomes Her
and ending with The River Wild.

Oh. Thank you, Austin.

And good luck tomorrow.
Thank you.

He'll never see it coming.
Indeed, he won't.

(PHONE RINGS)

Heidi. Uh, hi.
WOMAN: Julian.

Oh, thank God. I've been trying
to get hold of you for hours.

So, what's going on?

Have you been on Twitter, or X,

or whatever it is
they're calling it these days?

No.
Well, you're trending.

(LAUGHS) That's fantastic!

No. Not fantastic, Julian.
You're a hate figure.

Well, envious of success.
British disease, I'm afraid.

No, I think it's probably got
something to do with the fact

that you retweeted
a white supremacist.

Retweeted a what?

A Nazi.

Ingrid.
Oh! Sorry.

I just got off the phone with Heidi.
The signings off today.

Uh, Dymocks have pulled out.

That's annoying.
Yeah.

Why has Big Bear got no shorts on?

Oh, it's just ideas I'm sketching.

I think maybe shorts and no top,

but not no top, no shorts,
it's...it's a bit kinky.

Well, he's an innocent, Julian.
He hasn't got sex organs.

Hasn't he? 'Cause that's
a major creative decision.

I might have wanted to do
something about that

further down the line.
Oh, might you?

You so did Dymocks give a reason
why they didn't want to do the...

Oh, it's just a fuss about nothing.

Basically, I re-X'ed, um...
What?

Retweeted something about
freedom of speech,

which I defy anyone who cares about
an open democracy to disagree with.

And that's why they've cancelled?

Well, it transpires that
the original tweetee was, um...

..is, uh, quite a prominent,
um, rather active, um,

very successful in his own rights,

uh, neo-Nazi.

Julian. Jesus!

Well, how was I supposed to know?
he didn't have any of the gear on?

And I re-emphasise -
the tweet itself

was a perfectly reasonable
statement.

By a neo-Nazi.

Well, newsflash,
bad people are sometimes right

about certain things.

I mean, I know that nuance

is now lost from our discourse,
but it's true.

There are probably some things
you'd agree with Hitler about.

Julian, please don't choose this
as a hill you want to die on,

or your obituary's
just going to read,

"Julian Hartswood,
co-creator of Big Bear,

"who thought Hitler
had a couple of good points,

"was stoned to death yesterday
by woke toddlers."

Fine. I take your point.

Do you really think
I'll get an obituary?

Is this going to impact
the rest of the tour?

No, no, no. I spoke to Heidi.

She's going to put her PR guy on it
first thing in the morning.

I mean, tomorrow, it'll
all be yesterday's news anyway.

Will it?
Yeah.

But will it?
I think so.

Will it, though?

I'm going to go and take a shower.

Stick some pants on that bear.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello!
Ingrid!

It's Monica from Stone and Crow.

Oh, hi.

Listen, with everything
that's going on,

I just wanted to
reach out to let you know

how much we value working with you.

Hopefully for a long time to come.

Oh, well, thank...
thank you so much.

That... That's really good to know.
I'll let Jules know.

Well, I meant YOU.

Oh.

Incidentally, I was talking about
you with Nathan's sister's team.

He's looking for a new illustrator.

We thought you'd be a brilliant fit.

Oh! Wow...

Um, obviously, I'm very flattered,
but, um...

I've never worked with anyone
other than Julian.

Well...have a think about it.

4:30's perfect. Yeah.

Uh, sorry. What was your name?

(ON PHONE) Uh, it's Odin.
Odin. Fantastic.

Well, thank you, Odin.

We shall see you later. Yeah.
OK! Thank you.

No, no. Thank you. Yeah.
Bye-bye.

Bye.

Are you trying to get uncancelled?

Negatory. Cancellation acceptardo.

Oh, no. You're not trying to
find a workaround.

I found one.

I called a few bookstores,
and, um...

..these guys, uh, The True Reader,

are more than happy to host us.

Or...

..we could have a day off.

Boring.
Oh, thanks.

Don't you have to run it
by Stone And Crow?

No point.
They'll all be in bed now anyway.

No, they can find out tomorrow
and actually feel quite embarrassed

they didn't have the moxie
to organise this.

What can I do? What can I do?

I think just stand there.

Five minutes.

Over there.

I'm so sorry, guys.

It's alright.
You're just doing your job.

We'd be so grateful
if you didn't remember us like this.

It's such a shame.
I was brought up on Big Bear.

I think we all were here.
Careful!

That's a beloved childhood icon.

If it had been anything
other than racism,

I think you probably
would have been OK.

They're just really strict
on that here, unfortunately.

Me too.

'Cause I didn't actually
retreat anything racist.

It was actually about
freedom of speech.

Luckily, there are still
some bookshops in this city

that understand
that crucial distinction.

So sorry.
Bye.

My childhood was a lie.

How would YOU describe that font?

I mean, at the very least,
I'd have to say Germanic.

Honestly, makes me think
of the New York Times.

Yeah. You don't think it has
overtones of racism?

No. Loads of papers use it.

Daily Telegraph,
and they're not...um...

Let's just get the stuff inside.

Julian, there's quite a lot
of copies of Mein Kampf.

OK, well,
it's a historical document.

Lots of bookshops have it.
Oh, yeah?

In a window display,
in the original German?

Really?

Hey, you two.
Hey.

Can I get you anything,
like a tea or a coffee?

BOTH: Uh...

Oh, a coffee would be great.
Yeah, coffee would be great.

Actually, do you know what?

I fancy a tea, but, um...
yeah, not too strong.

OK. Just show it the bag.

Show it the bag.

Yeah. Too easy.

(WHISPERS) Julian. Julian.

Did you see their knuckles?

Yeah. 'Hate race'.
And you know what? Me too.

It's a social construct.
Very divisive.

Julian.

BOTH: Race hate.

We need to get out of here now.
We need to go.

What are we going to do
with the books?

Forget the books. They're gone.
They're gone.

I'm not leaving Big Bear here.

He looks like he's heiling Hitler.

No, Julian, wait.

So, how long have we been
on the website?

I don't know. A couple of hours.
OK.

And nobody's here,
so maybe nobody saw it.

We need to get it down now.
Right.

OK.
Um...

Odin?

Yeah.

Such a pretty name.

Um, what is
the Wi-Fi password, please?

Oh, Dresden45.

Capital D.

(WHISPERS) Crap.
Crap, crap, crap.

OK, you do that.

If anybody comes in, you tell them
it's been cancelled, OK?

OK. What were you gonna do?

I'm just going to go
and say I'm terribly sorry.

It's like a terrible
misunderstanding kind of thing.

Really? Are you sure?
Maybe I should...

No, I don't think...
I think, let's be honest,

I have got a less confronting face.

What's wrong with my face?

I'm a massive fan of your face.

I just think there are circumstances
in which your face

might be deemed...

..punchable.

And I just think
it'd be really nice

if we could eliminate
that possibility.

You think I've got a punchable face?
Oh! Don't do that!

I'm not doing that!
I am trying...

I am trying to fix your boo-boo

by getting into the mindset
of a disappointed racist.

That's really hard for me.

Hello?
Hello.

Uh, Big Bear or racism?

I'm here for the signing.

Ah, great. Uh, sorry.

Um... It's cancelled.

As in, it's not happening anymore.

Oh, well, that's a disappointment.

OK.

Is that a...copy of the book?
Yeah. It is.

Um, look, I'll tell you what.

Uh, let me just sign that
for you quickly.

What's your name?
Austin Hogan.

Uh, how do you spell Austin?

A-U-S-T-I-N.
OK.

There we go.

Thank you.
Bob's your uncle.

My uncle's called Jim Hogan.

Great.

I was wondering
if you could also sign these.

Oh...
I mean, it's entirely our fault.

We should have done our research.

It's just this isn't...
really our ethos.

Of course. I totally understand.

I actually find it quite abhorrent,
to be honest.

Yeah. A lot of people do.
And I get it.

I know all about
finding things abhorrent.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, do you take sugar
with your tea, or...

Do you have honey?

I thought I was the only one
who liked honey in their tea.

Oh, no. No, I'm obsessed with it.

Julian sometimes calls me honey
because I love it so much.

Cold-pressed.

You are an absolute dreamboat.

I know.

There's also another reason
that I came today.

Mm-hm?
I wanted to tell you something.

I'm pretty sure that I'm your son.

I'm your son.

OK. I'll... I'll be right back.

OK.

That's a little surprising.

3G, 4G, 5G -

like, you just don't know
what they're putting in the water.

(WHISPERS) OK, we need to
get out the back.

We need to get out the back, now.
What's... What's going on?

We haven't got a back exit.
Have you got a panic room?

Yeah, I've got a concrete bunker.

Great.
That's where I keep my guns.

OK.
Julian...

I don't want to go in
the racist bunker.

There's a maniac out there.
Oh, shit.

A guy just wandered in
off the street,

said he thinks he's my son.

And did you ask him
why he thinks he's your son?

No.
Why not?

Because he's a maniac.
And why is he a maniac?

Because he thinks he's my son.

No. No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.

Thank you.

Hello.
Ah, hello.

Hi.

My name's Ingrid.
I'm Julian's wife.

Ah, good to meet you.
I'm Austin Hogan.

I think you're
a supremely skilled artist.

Ah! Amazing. Never gets old!

And I think that
you have excellent taste, sir.

Thanks.

Now, I understand that you believe
that Julian might be your father.

That's correct.

Excuse me.

Do you have anything on
the Great Replacement theory?

Oh, uh, that's over here, actually.
Oh, cheers.

Should we do this somewhere else?
Yeah, sure.

Racists first.

Here we go.
One decaf latte with hazelnut milk.

One lemonade.
Thank you.

Um... Austin. Uh...
(STIRS LOUDLY)

Um, what was that about?

I was just doing that
to make it flat.

I prefer it that way.
Right. Yeah.

But I think... Well, there's
no way I could be your father.

So, Austin, why is it that you feel
that Julian might be your dad?

First of all,
I've never been to Australia before.

And, uh, cards on the table,

I actually find Australian women
quite frightening.

Not attractive to them.
All Australian women?

What? Kylie?

Well, I don't think
his mother's Kylie, is she?

My mum's not Kylie.
She's called Mel Hogan.

Never heard of her.

She lived in London
for a period in her 20s.

And she said that she met you

while she was
working as waiting staff

for an outside catering company.

Oh, but, Julian, you did used to
do that when we first met.

Yeah. That's true.
And for a while beforehand.

I brought a photograph of her
from around that time, right here.

Well, Do you recognise her?

Austin, I...I...I...
do remember your mother.

Yeah.
Oh, my God!

But there's no way
I could be your father.

I mean, it was... It was only
a couple of times...ish.

Surely a baby
requires more sustained...

Sorry - are you arguing the toss
about how babies are made?

Austin, um...

The thing is, your mother,
I mean, as far as I remember,

was, um...

..no better than she ought to be.

Oh, Jillian,
please don't be the kind of guy

who says the kind of thing I think
you're thinking of saying.

She was not without
the attention of young men.

And, without judgement,
liked a good time.

Say you're slut-shaming
this poor young man's mother.

My mom seemed pretty certain.

But I consider myself
a man of science.

Right? Yeah. Good.

So I wondered if you might
be willing to take a DNA test.

Yeah. I'm not going to say any more
without a lawyer present. Come on.

So... Sorry, Jillian,
he's not accusing you of murder.

I must apologise for my husband.

Julian is excessively concerned
about his money.

OUR money! No, I'm not.

Oh, I should have made this clear.

I'm not interested in money
or anything like that.

You see, I'm on a quest

to understand who I am
and where I come from.

OK. Yeah.

I suppose I could do a DNA test.

Great.

What, now?
Is that a problem?

No. Just, um...

I mean, I... (STAMMERS)

I thought it'd be in
a couple of weeks or something.

Um...

I will need you to
fill this up to the line.

With what?

Saliva.

Yeah. Good.
Austin...

How old are you?

28 years and two months.

28 years and two months,
plus nine...

Yeah, just before we met.
No.

No, that's not quite right.

Yes, it is. Sorry. The saliva has
suddenly gone from my mouth.

No, because we've been together
for 29 years, and a bit.

Ah, right.

Austin, I don't suppose you're 30?

I'm so sorry. Would you excuse me?

Sure.

I'll be right back.
Sure.

Where are you going?
Back to the hotel.

Don't particularly
want to see you, to be honest.

Why?
Because you've had an affair!

Shh! We might get papped.

We're not going to
get papped, Julian.

Nobody knows
what the hell we look like.

Anyway, I didn't have an affair!
You're massively overreacting.

Oh, am I? Because 28 years
and 11 months ago, Julian,

we were together.

IF I slept with this woman...
Well, you just said that you did.

OK. If or when I slept with...
Well, it's 'when', isn't it?

Alright! When I slept with this
woman, you and I...

We had been together for two months.

Talk about the pot
calling the kettle black.

You had a thing with
that diplomat from your book group.

With Wyndham?
Yeah.

Are you serious?
Yes.

Wyndham was 92!

He hadn't had an erection
since John Major had been in power.

Maybe so, but...
Ah, how do you know that?

Well, because I used to give him
a lift to and from book group.

Oh. And, yes, OK.

So, once, I took him
to a doctor's appointment,

and I didn't bring him home again

because that was where he died!

Look, can we just park this,
just for today?

We've got a lot going on.

Have WE got a lot going on, Julian,

or have YOU?

Listen, uh, I'm going to
have to make a move,

but it was, uh, really nice
to meet you, Austin.

And, um...

Yeah, drinks are on me.

Put your wallet away.

I didn't bring my wallet.

Right. OK. Yeah, well, I don't mind
splashing out.

What do you mean, splashing out?

Well, 'put your wallet away'
is a British term

meaning the other person will pay.

And 'splashing out'
is a British term meaning...

..it's really expensive.

Splashing out.

Thank you. That's very instructive.

Maybe we could
meet up again tomorrow?

Ah, well...
We'll be in Sydney tomorrow.

What about the day after that?

Melbourne?
What about the day after that?

Adelaide.
Day after that?

The point is,
we're travelling through

a series of Australian cities,
and then we're going home.

OK, well, I prepared
a printout for you.

It contains some
information about me,

including my contact details.

When you have some free time,
you could let me know.

Um...

Well, I'll be in the UK.

I've always wanted to
visit Great Britain.

Look...

Austin, um...

I don't want you
getting the wrong idea here.

How do you mean?

We have completely separate lives.
We... We don't know each other.

Not yet, we don't.

Yeah, but what I'm trying to say is,

even if I am
your biological father...

..that it doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean your dad.

Your dad here in Australia,
that's your real dad.

I don't have a dad
here in Australia.

Right.

I probably should have
mentioned this earlier,

but I'm on the autism spectrum.

Makes sense.

So I apologise
for any faux pas I may have made.

You haven't made any faux pas.

Thank you for the lemonade.

Yeah. Um...

Um...

Something for the road? Um...

Granola bar? Apple?

I'm good. Thank you.
OK.

I'll get it.

Uh, hi. Uh, could I get the cheque?

Hi. Hey. Hello?

No, hi. Hi, Monica.

It's Ingrid Hartswood here.

Apropos of our, um,
our call this morning.

Um, yeah.
I don't know what time it is there.

Um, I actually don't know
what time it is here.

It's been a bit of a day.

Also, I'm terrible at maths,

but you haven't answered,
so that's probably good.

Sorry. I'm wittering.

I just... Yeah, I wanted to
leave a message

before I, um...

..doubted myself, to say that

I would love you to intro me
to some other authors.

Um, so much so, actually,

I think I'll ask Heidi
to have a think as well.

Um, so, yeah, I'm V-V-V-V-V
excited about that.

So, um... Yeah. Don't be a stranger.

Yeah? Um, sorry.
This is a message. You're not there.

Um, but, yes, we'll speak soon. Bye.

WOMAN: Austin, how'd it go?

I don't wanna talk about it.

What, is that because it didn't
go how you'd hoped it might?

I can't answer that
without talking about it.

I'm going to my quarters.

Don't worry, love.

Meeting your dad for the first time

is always a tough day at the office.

Besides, the...

..guy probably thinks
it's a cash grab.

What?

Well, you raised that boy
on your own,

so he owes you back-payments,
with interest.

I don't want his money.
Really?

I mean, he's
a famous kid's book author,

and we haven't got a pool.

Oh, hi. Hi, Julian. How are you?
Where's Ingrid?

Oh, she's, um...

She's, uh, she's just
popped out for a moment.

Oh, right. I'm not going to
beat around the bush.

It's very bad news.

(SIGHS) OK. OK.

Look, I'm sorry. As far as we knew,

it was just another
independent bookshop.

What was?
Nothing.

Uh, sorry, you talk.

OK, well, there's, um...
Oh, Russell!

Yeah. There's somebody
that I want you to meet.

This is, uh, this is Russell.

He's from Superb PR. Russell.

Ah, Julian. Lovely to meet you.

I grew up on Big Bear, yeah?

Russell looks expensive.

Yes, he is, but he's also
a PR genius, aren't you, Russell?

He handled that incident

with Harry Styles and the marrow,
didn't you? (LAUGHS)

Well, what was that?

Exactly.

Now, Julian, first of all, we need
to do a little bit of firefighting.

Then we'll turn to rehabilitating
your reputation, longer-term.

Now we'll start by
putting out a statement.

Oh, yes.
I've been thinking about this.

Um, I think we stand firm and say,
storm in a teacup, you know?

Didn't know the guy was a racist,
deplore all that stuff,

but still think he made a fair point
about freedom of speech.

Yeah, we could do that.

Then take all your money
out of the bank, shred it,

and have a very expensive bonfire.

You think it's a bad idea?

I think we want to
end the storm quickly,

not turn it into an argument.

Simple apology, rounded off with

something about how you're
committed to educating yourself.

Oh, fine.
OK, great.

Now, what about black friends
in the industry

who might be willing
to tweet something supportive?

Hmm. Yeah. Black friends. Um...

I just sort of
scanning through them all,

trying to pick the right one.

Do you want to
get back to me on that?

Yes, please. Yeah, yeah.
Great.

Now, in terms of rehabilitating
your image, longer-term,

I think we want to get out
some positive stories,

like your charity work.

Charity work. Yeah, yeah.

Who are your charities?

Well, I texted blankets to UNICEF,

during Young Adam on Film4,
just before Christmas.

Why don't I draft something
and you can check it?

Yeah, that sounds good. Yeah.
Great.

Oh, by the way, uh,
Jackson received an email...

Jackson!
MAN: Coming!

Yeah, uh, it's probably just
one for the lunatics file,

but it's from a woman
who says that her son,

who's... Mm!

Oh. So YOUR son
is coming to a signing.

Uh, yes, I've met him.
It's been quite the day.

Oh, you alright?
Well, not really. No.

I mean, this guy turns up,
saying he's my son.

Ingrid's livid because it was
when we were first dating.

And then, to cap it all,
he tells me he's autistic.

I'm sorry.
Did you say the guy's autistic?

Yes. Yeah.

That could that could be
a good story.

How do you mean?

I mean, famous
children's book author,

son he never knew he had
tracked down his dad.

The son's of autistic.

They spend some time together.

Dad goes on
a journey of understanding,

a positive transformation.

There could be a book in it.
Could be a documentary.

Yeah, I like it.
I love it.

(LINE RINGS)

WOMAN: Hello.
Oh, hi.

Uh... May I speak
with Austin, please?

Is that Julian?

Is that Mel?

Yes.
Goodness me.

You haven't changed a bit,
uh, vocally.

How have you been?

Um... Good. Yeah.

Still into the Cardigans?

No. Not really.

No. Right. Uh...

Would it be possible to...
to speak with Austin?

Alright, just a sec.

Austin?
Yes, Mum?

It's, um...Julian.

Oh!

Hello?
Austin, look, I'm...

I'm so sorry about today.

The honest truth is, you sort of
caught me a bit by surprise.

That's... That's alright.
I can understand that.

I mean, I had time to
mentally prepare for our meeting,

but you weren't really
able to do that.

Right! Yes. I mean,
it was just such a shock.

But, I mean, of course
I want to see you again.

Um, we're not actually travelling
to Sydney tomorrow evening,

so perhaps, I don't know,
we could...

..grab some lunch tomorrow.

What do you mean -
eat lunch together?

Yes. Yeah.

I'd really like that.
Thank you, Mr Hartswood.

Oh, please. 'Mr Hartswood'...
Just call me, um...

Just a call from Mel.
That's Austin's mum.

She suggested lunch.

Mel! You don't look a day older.

This is my wonderful wife, Ingrid,

who also doesn't look a day...

Julian, drop it.

I apologise about my family.
It's kind of embarrassing.

I'm just trying to break the ice.

Why did you
have sex with my mother?

(COUGHS)

Have you had
your prostate checked, Julian?

I sort of feel like
I'm having it examined right now.

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