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1
00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:02,081
My fellow Legion members,
2
00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:04,375
what we have in this briefcase
3
00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:08,087
has the power to change
the universe as we know it.
4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,089
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
5
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,758
Is it a thing that takes all the little
crumbs at the bottom of a chip bag
6
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:15,886
and reforms them into
full-sized chips again?
7
00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:19,098
You think we'd call an
all-hands-on-deck meeting for that?
8
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,808
I would hope so.
9
00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:22,309
Behold...
10
00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:24,524
the Anti-Life Equation.
11
00:00:26,317 --> 00:00:27,857
Shiny golden light.
12
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,693
If I can figure out how
to harness its power,
13
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,319
I can kill Superman.
14
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:34,238
Ah, here we go again.
15
00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:36,907
Lex, it's not happening.
You're like watching
16
00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:38,993
a chihuahua try to fuck a couch.
17
00:00:38,997 --> 00:00:40,494
It's not anything like that.
18
00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:43,039
With this, I will
destroy Superman.
19
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,374
News flash, it's
Legion property,
20
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:47,335
so you need an approval.
21
00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:48,919
I vote we use it
to kill Aquaman.
22
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,547
I vote that we use it
to kill Wonder Woman.
23
00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:53,716
I hate to go back
to the chip thing,
24
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,801
but have you ever tried
dipping those little bit...
25
00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,887
No one gives a fuck
about your chip thing.
26
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,056
The Justice League is going
to be coming for this.
27
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:03,351
So let's hide it in the impenetrable
vault until we can agree on a use.
28
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:07,563
I want round-the-clock patrols of the
building by every flying LOD member.
29
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:10,983
- Where are our flying members?
- Uh, missing.
30
00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,445
They were all invited to a
"Flyers Only Kaffee Klatch"
31
00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:16,405
and have not been seen since.
32
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,492
A "Flyers Only Kaffee
Klatch"? Damn it.
33
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,619
This was probably
a ruse by Superman
34
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:23,287
to remove our
overhead surveillance.
35
00:01:23,291 --> 00:01:25,247
We need eyes in the air ASAP.
36
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:27,249
Who do we know that flies?
37
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,382
♪ Hell, yeah ♪
38
00:01:31,299 --> 00:01:33,923
Oh, shit, shit, shit. Fuck me.
39
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:40,096
Can we just put the
money back and be coolio?
40
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,555
Ooh!
41
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,557
The Riddler's planted
a bomb downtown.
42
00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:46,936
Ugh! I'm stopping Kite Man and
his goons from robbing a bank.
43
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,604
Who's Kite Man again?
44
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,272
Hey, you know
me. I got a kite,
45
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:52,983
say, "Hell, yeah," do a
solid Borat impression.
46
00:01:52,987 --> 00:01:53,943
"Ah, my wife..."
47
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,111
Ow!
48
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,658
Leave him to the cops.
49
00:01:58,076 --> 00:01:59,990
Ooh.
50
00:01:59,994 --> 00:02:01,450
All righty.
51
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:04,374
So, uh, anybody wanna
grab a brewski on me?
52
00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:10,835
Oh, this would have gone way
better if Golden Glider was here.
53
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:13,341
Today is not my day.
54
00:02:14,676 --> 00:02:16,966
Golden Glider,
today is your day.
55
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,426
It is?
56
00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:20,469
Stacy has the shits.
You're skating the lead.
57
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,223
Gauntlet Gloria, today
really is my day.
58
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:27,101
Okay, I'm opening with
my signature move,
59
00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:32,314
a pirouette into a triple Axel,
aka the Golden Sparkler...
60
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:34,567
Don't you mean
the Golden Shower?
61
00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,320
Everyone, shut up!
The star has arrived.
62
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:40,990
But you're sick. What
if you shit on the ice?
63
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,034
What if the whole
audience shits...
64
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:46,454
...when they see you
skate, Olden Glider?
65
00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,205
Right? Don't trip.
66
00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,041
Awesome.
67
00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,756
Go get 'em, babe. Break legs.
68
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,429
See you at the
bar. Drinks on me.
69
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,971
She stole my Golden Shower!
70
00:03:03,975 --> 00:03:05,977
Sprinklers! Ugh, shit!
71
00:03:07,103 --> 00:03:08,642
That's it.
72
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:24,537
Eat ice!
73
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,706
Yeah, yeah. I know, I'm fired.
74
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:32,249
I'll see myself out.
75
00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:34,377
This show sucks anyway.
76
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,504
Stupid no talent.
77
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,839
Calling me psycho?
You're psycho!
78
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,731
Babe, what happened to you?
79
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:57,525
Oh, you know matinees.
80
00:03:57,529 --> 00:03:59,193
How'd it go down at the bank?
81
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:02,071
Well, the good news is we
all came back in one piece.
82
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,447
Oh, I beg to differ.
83
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,116
Except Steve.
84
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,534
He's bleeding out. Hey,
Noonan, can you sew him up?
85
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,078
Got three guys ahead of him.
86
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,914
Truth is, babe, a teen girl
kicked the crap out of us.
87
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,958
Oh, this freaking generation.
88
00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:16,711
Yeah, I think the problem
is we were inside a bank,
89
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:19,005
and I can't use my
superpowers inside.
90
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:21,590
A kite's not a superpower.
91
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:25,428
Kids have kites, and I could
kick the shit out of most kids.
92
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,764
- And Kite Man could kick the shit out of all kids.
- Thanks, babe.
93
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,726
You don't need superpowers
to be a supervillain.
94
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,561
All's I know is,
when I was a kid,
95
00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:36,897
I'd sit in my room and I'd dream
about being a supervillain.
96
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:38,816
My mom would knock
on the door and say,
97
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,443
"Chuck, what are
you doing in there?"
98
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,653
And I'd say, "Not
masturbating."
99
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:46,282
And she'd say, "That feels like something a
masturbator would say while masturbating."
100
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:49,076
And I'd be all like, "Mom! I... I will
tell you when I'm masturbating..."
101
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,121
Jesus fuck! Stop telling
that nasty-ass story.
102
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:55,374
Yeah, I thought you were gonna 86
the "Mom catches me jacking it" shit.
103
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,043
Shut up!
104
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:59,462
Don't listen to them,
Chuck. I like that story.
105
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,797
I don't. But you have
the right to tell it
106
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,134
because you're a flying
villain destined for greatness.
107
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,554
I'm looking for a flying
villain destined for greatness
108
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:11,140
to help out the Legion of Doom.
109
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,476
Babe, that's literally you.
110
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,603
No way, Golden Glider.
111
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:18,689
Lex is still pissed from
the last time you helped.
112
00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:23,778
That one insane power of yours
melted most of the cafeteria staff.
113
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:26,614
- Oh, come on. Those powers aren't my fault.
- Hey.
114
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:31,577
She told Lex very clearly that she can't
control her rather disturbing powers.
115
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,287
- Thanks, babe.
- You're my world, babe.
116
00:05:33,291 --> 00:05:37,083
Yeah. I still have to bring
Lex a flying villain, so...
117
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:38,292
Oh, Kite Man can do it.
118
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:40,086
But he has no powers.
119
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,671
He's just got a kite.
120
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,632
Like a Victorian child
in a sailor suit.
121
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:47,677
That is not true. Kindness
is his superpower.
122
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,512
Noonan, when you were
stabbed in the heart,
123
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,805
who brought you soup
for three months?
124
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:53,516
FlashDash. But Kite
Man delivered it.
125
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,892
And Queen of Fables,
126
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,519
who found your severed
head on the ground
127
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:57,895
and saved it in a glass jar?
128
00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,522
Fuck if I know. I was dead.
129
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:00,690
It was Kite Man!
130
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,650
- And Moe and Joe...
- Kite Man.
131
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,026
Uh, I didn't say the thing yet.
132
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,486
And you don't have to.
133
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,988
Let's just say they were
able to reattach it.
134
00:06:07,992 --> 00:06:08,906
Not all of it.
135
00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:10,449
See? Case closed.
136
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,869
Your heart is your superpower,
and anyone who doesn't see that
137
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:17,039
is a huge D-bag who's getting
their ass kicked by me.
138
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,791
Well, I don't have
a ass to kick.
139
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,584
Besides, heart
ain't even a power.
140
00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,837
I enjoy the friendly
banter here,
141
00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:25,719
but I parked in a
loading zone so...
142
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,384
Ugh, Kite Man it is.
143
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,927
Hell, yeah.
144
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:33,055
Kite Man. Thank
you for joining us.
145
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:34,682
You know, I'm a big fan.
146
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:37,643
Like you, I forged my way
to success and started...
147
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:39,270
- Please shut the fuck up.
- Roger that.
148
00:06:39,274 --> 00:06:42,231
The Justice League is going
to attack us at any moment.
149
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,816
Your job is to patrol the skies
150
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,736
and alert us if one of
them attacks by air.
151
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:49,280
Hey, easy peasy mac and cheesy.
152
00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,490
Do not fuck up.
153
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:54,080
Oh, good thing I only fuck down.
154
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,255
Hell, yeah!
155
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,087
Kite Man to base.
156
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:07,048
KM to B.
157
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:10,343
Can you hear me? Over.
158
00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:12,178
No need to shout.
159
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,597
Yeah, this equipment's
pretty sensitive. Yeah.
160
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,098
Gus, oh, sorry.
161
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,767
I just... I'm a...
I'm a little nervous.
162
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,435
- This is a big opportunity.
- Oh, well,
163
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,687
you know what I tell
my kindergartners?
164
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:24,190
Even a complex task is simple
165
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:28,402
if you do one right thing
followed by another right thing.
166
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,737
You teach kindergarten?
167
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,655
Oh, yeah. I just
goon on the side...
168
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:34,909
Oh, dear God! Everything
here is on fire.
169
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:37,832
Gus? I'm... I'm
coming for you. Over.
170
00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:47,630
Everybody back up!
He needs to breathe.
171
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,131
Give him space.
172
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,258
Chuck, wake up!
173
00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:53,594
Are you okay?
174
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,264
Well, a little sore,
but it's not too bad
175
00:07:57,268 --> 00:08:00,518
considering I went toe to toe
with the son of Krypton himself.
176
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:05,106
Um... Well, you didn't
actually quite get to Superman.
177
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,941
You got knocked out
178
00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:09,193
and then a crosswind blew your limp,
unconscious body into some power lines.
179
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:11,946
Crosswinds, the, uh, Superman
of weather patterns there.
180
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,781
But, uh, hey, did we at least...
181
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,700
Did we protect the...
the thingamajig?
182
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:16,992
What... What is it? The, um...
183
00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:17,956
It's gone.
184
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,663
Lex, you came to check on me?
185
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,790
Hardly. I came here
remotely to say
186
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:25,209
you are the worst "villain"
I have ever witnessed.
187
00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:27,545
How dare you say that,
you shaved ball sack!
188
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:28,754
I got this, babe.
189
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,006
You know what, Lex?
190
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,799
Ow! Oh, my back.
191
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:33,217
Oh, oh, oh, babe.
192
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,844
- Babe? Babe? Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm gonna...
193
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,637
I'm gonna stand up
for myself lying down.
194
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,431
- And, ooh, there we go.
- Hey.
195
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,433
Gentle. Gentle.
196
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:41,892
- Is he still there?
- Yeah.
197
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,687
You know what, Lex? I
used to look up to you.
198
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:47,148
Now, you may have
a bajillion dollars
199
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:50,526
and a fancy corporation
and a private army...
200
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,194
- What a loser!
- Uh...
201
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,946
Nope, hang on, babe. Didn't
get to the bad stuff yet.
202
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,614
- 10-4, babe.
- Here it comes.
203
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:59,577
You may have that stuff, but
you know what you don't have?
204
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,162
Friends.
205
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:03,914
You'll never be able to
walk into a place like this,
206
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,791
lie down on the floor,
207
00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:09,545
and know that everyone around you
loves you and cares about you.
208
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,464
So who's the real loser here?
209
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,466
Me or the guy with no friends
210
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:19,055
who, real talk, will never
be able to kill Superman?
211
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,557
So, this dump is your sanctuary?
212
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,059
You're darn tootin'.
213
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,394
Mr. Noonan, I would
like to buy your bar.
214
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,979
It's not for sale.
215
00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,898
- How about ten million dollars?
- Sold.
216
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,274
What?
217
00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:31,776
Wonderful.
218
00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,361
I'll have my people
draw up the contract
219
00:09:33,365 --> 00:09:35,321
and a wrecking crew here
by the end of the week.
220
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,406
Is everyone staring
at me disapprovingly?
221
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,450
I... I can't get a good angle.
222
00:09:39,454 --> 00:09:42,745
This is all that's left
of our impenetrable vault.
223
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:47,837
Toy Man, please tell me you
purchased the extended warranty.
224
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:51,087
Uh-oh.
225
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:55,257
Is... Is that a thing
with every chair?
226
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,051
I am going to stand.
227
00:09:57,055 --> 00:09:59,512
You know whose fault this is?
228
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:00,721
Kite Man's.
229
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,431
And you picked him, Bane.
230
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,935
I think we should be
supportive of each other.
231
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,230
Would you give me some
fucking space and take a seat?
232
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,315
- My point is...
- You're fired.
233
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:15,403
What happened to
two weeks' notice?
234
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,989
What the dick, Noonan?
You can't sell this bar.
235
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:21,701
Look, I don't want to sell it.
236
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:24,120
But I can't refuse
ten million bucks.
237
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,956
But this place freaking rules.
238
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,958
Chuck and I had our
first date here.
239
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,127
- Who the hell is Chuck?
- Kite Man.
240
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,628
Aw.
241
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,588
We had drinks at the bar. We
played darts right over there.
242
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,091
Did hand stuff at the
table right there.
243
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:43,556
My drinking problem and subsequent
divorce started on this very stool.
244
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:47,309
Yeah, the big supervillains are
all sitting pretty in their lairs,
245
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:50,604
but this place is for the
dregs, the goons, the henches.
246
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,064
A place for the rest of us.
247
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:55,026
A place you don't mind
taking a nasty shit in.
248
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:56,110
I agree.
249
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,987
And not just because
we share an anus.
250
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,363
Well, I'll tell you what.
251
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,240
It's not going anywhere.
252
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,285
You can do number two in this
place as long as you want
253
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:08,164
'cause me and Glider
are buying this bar.
254
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,373
Yeah, we are!
255
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,666
Wait, what?
256
00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,668
Babe, this bar is
10 million dollars.
257
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,338
You can't put a price on
the place you call home.
258
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,798
Uh, you absolutely can and
it's 10 million dollars.
259
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,467
- Babe.
- Babe.
260
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:21,302
- Babe.
- Babe!
261
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:22,970
Babe.
262
00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:26,349
Will you make me the happiest
small business owner in the world
263
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,892
and buy this bar with me?
264
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:29,894
Is this bullshit working?
265
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,520
I don't even know what
I'm watching anymore.
266
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,315
Oh, you crazy son of a mom!
267
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,317
This is the stupidest
idea in the world,
268
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:39,653
and I can't wait
to do it with you!
269
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:40,905
Babe.
270
00:11:40,909 --> 00:11:42,323
Aw, look at that.
271
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:44,867
Here comes the hand stuff
they were talking about.
272
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,118
This is bullshit.
273
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:47,620
You don't have 10
million dollars.
274
00:11:47,624 --> 00:11:51,248
We can get the money with
the power of our love.
275
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:52,583
Like through a cam show or a...
276
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:53,709
Okay, not from a cam show.
277
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,127
But we'll find it.
278
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,338
And Sean, when we come up
with 10 million dollars,
279
00:11:57,342 --> 00:11:59,256
will you sell it to
us instead of Lex?
280
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,051
Sure. But where are you gonna
get that kind of moolah?
281
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,224
It's not gonna just
fall out of the sky.
282
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,097
Oh!
283
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:11,560
God damn you, Lex Luthor!
284
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:14,105
Aw, shit. I was hoping that was
gonna be a sack filled with money.
285
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:18,567
And now, you got a ceiling to
repair on top of the ten mil.
286
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,154
Kite Man and I will get you that
money by the end of the week.
287
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:24,657
- You have a plan, right, babe?
- Hell, yeah, I do.
288
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:27,493
'Cause I am a grown-ass man.
289
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:30,746
Daddy, I need to borrow 10
million dollars, please.
290
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,416
Absolutely not. Anything else?
291
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,961
I'm just waiting for the part where
you tell me it's Opposite Day.
292
00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,421
It is not Opposite Day.
293
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,631
Well, you don't even know
what the loan is for.
294
00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:41,924
Who is this woman?
295
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,093
I'm his girlfriend/business
partner.
296
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,678
We've met several times.
297
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:48,264
I sent you a box of Omaha
steaks for your birthday.
298
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,098
That's dumb.
299
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,766
Look, I got to where I am
300
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,519
because I recognize a bad
investment when I see one.
301
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,604
You are that bad investment.
302
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,690
Nah, I'm not following.
303
00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,150
Not really a money guy.
304
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,110
Let me be abundantly clear.
305
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,487
You have never accomplished
anything in your life.
306
00:13:03,491 --> 00:13:06,490
- I do not believe in you.
- Well, then loan it to me.
307
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:09,452
No, because you're dumb
enough to date Chuck.
308
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,121
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get a vasectomy.
309
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:15,791
Good idea. In fact, make
it a double vasectomy.
310
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,794
Come on, Chuck. Let's bounce.
311
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:25,426
- Can't believe my dad is being so stingy.
- Oh, forget him.
312
00:13:25,430 --> 00:13:27,511
There's got to be another
way to get this money.
313
00:13:27,515 --> 00:13:28,596
Oh, I know!
314
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,056
- Not Shark Tank.
- Damn.
315
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:32,683
Ugh! Asking people for
money is so humiliating.
316
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,185
That's it.
317
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:37,192
Babe, it's about to get
a lot more humiliating.
318
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,399
Look, Chuck,
319
00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:44,445
I realize that we spent your
last dime on a wedding deposit
320
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,405
that you will never
get back, and I...
321
00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,615
Damn right he did.
322
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,742
No worries. It was all
part of my journey.
323
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:54,664
However, I... I do not have 10
million dollars just a-lying around.
324
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:55,873
Eh, I find that hard to believe.
325
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,667
Babe.
326
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,168
It's true. We just bought a
vacation property in Themyscira,
327
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,586
so we're second house poor.
328
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,672
Well, that's very relatable.
329
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:03,923
Not really, babe.
330
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,508
I think they're
saying they don't...
331
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,094
Oh. No, oh, okay. I get it. Wow.
332
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,471
Well, this is mucho
disappointing.
333
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,099
Hey, chin up, Kitey.
You're a bad guy.
334
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,475
What do bad guys do?
335
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:17,311
Bad guys steal things
from worse guys.
336
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,271
Oh, that is the worst...
337
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:23,025
A really good idea
I've ever heard.
338
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:26,028
Our target, Casa de Caucasion.
339
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:29,198
An impermeable island stronghold
on the Eastern Seaboard.
340
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:33,206
Also, there's usually some taffy
in the cupboard above the fridge.
341
00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:38,416
Are we robbing your fucking dad?
342
00:14:38,420 --> 00:14:40,710
- Hell, yeah.
- Damn skippy.
343
00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,215
Sick.
344
00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:53,055
- This place looks like a death trap.
- Hell, yeah, big time.
345
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:55,141
My dad has a group
of ex-Mossad agents
346
00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,601
and power yoga instructors
to protect his mans.
347
00:14:57,605 --> 00:15:00,229
I would be remiss if
I didn't warn you.
348
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,273
Not all of you will make
it back in one piece.
349
00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:04,066
I don't have any more
fucking pieces to lose.
350
00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:08,904
I am drunk and I am in.
351
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,157
All right. We need
a distraction.
352
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,658
Ooh, I got a distraction.
353
00:15:12,662 --> 00:15:15,077
And it involves a pirouette
into a triple Axel.
354
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:17,371
Hit it.
355
00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:22,418
Oh, my God!
356
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,295
She's skating the opening adagio
357
00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:27,715
from the Generic Desert
Apocalypse on Ice!
358
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,300
It's working. Let's go!
359
00:15:29,304 --> 00:15:30,593
Holy shit!
360
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,595
I've never seen a
move so beautiful.
361
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,597
Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Who are they?
362
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:35,848
Those are my, uh...
363
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:37,767
Backup skaters.
364
00:15:39,773 --> 00:15:41,479
Hang on.
365
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:44,565
The backup skaters don't come
out until the end of act one.
366
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,275
We're being had!
367
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:57,161
Time to wing it!
368
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:04,589
Oh!
369
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,388
Ooh, it's wet and
it's gross. Oh, God.
370
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,607
Oh, it's gross, and
it's wet. It's warm.
371
00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:49,505
Wait, aren't you my kid's
kindergarten teacher?
372
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:53,509
You're Mikey's dad. How fun!
373
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,469
- Did you get the note I sent home with him?
- Yeah.
374
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:56,971
Sorry. I... I think
375
00:16:56,975 --> 00:16:59,432
he's acting out 'cause
I've been working so much.
376
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,853
You're welcome.
377
00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,856
Well, I'm gonna have to block off
some one-on-one time with Mikey.
378
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:12,111
Go in there and get the money.
379
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,863
I'll stay here
and beat them off.
380
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,364
Babe, you said beat...
381
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,328
Not now, Chuck!
382
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,253
Oh!
383
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,427
Babe, we need a miracle.
384
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,346
You have got to use your powers.
385
00:17:38,350 --> 00:17:41,432
I can't. You know I can't
control them when I use them.
386
00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:43,392
Lisa! There is no other way.
387
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,062
Chuck, what if I kill you?
388
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:48,314
That's not gonna
happen. I trust you.
389
00:17:48,318 --> 00:17:50,191
Why do you think I want
to buy a bar with you?
390
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:54,653
Hey, you's twos done having your
aside so we can murder yo use?
391
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:58,199
Unless we murder you like a
razor cutting through garlic.
392
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,663
- Right, Moe?
- Let's find out.
393
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,087
Joe!
394
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:15,341
Oh, shit, shit, shit.
395
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:16,801
No, no, no...
396
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,286
Schwing! Never been turned
on more than right now.
397
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,378
Hell, yeah!
398
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,590
So that's the power.
399
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,303
- Hello, Charles.
- Dad.
400
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,847
I've been waiting
to give you these.
401
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,808
What's in them? Oh,
oh... Is it centipedes?
402
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,935
It's centipedes, isn't it? Did
you know that they sting you?
403
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:11,147
The bags are full
of money, you idiot.
404
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,857
Ten million to be exact.
405
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:14,650
You're giving me the money?
406
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,944
This is the first time I've
ever seen you stand up to me.
407
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:22,283
It makes me think maybe you're not a
completely worthless piece of garbage.
408
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:26,078
I've waited my whole life for...
409
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:28,331
Well, I mean not...
Not those words,
410
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,458
but I'll take it.
411
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,462
We were victorious,
but there was a cost.
412
00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:38,591
I will now read the names of those who
were killed in our pursuit of glory.
413
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:43,929
Scuzzy, Jimmy One Ball, Joey
Three Balls, Kneecaps McGee,
414
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,348
Joe Dubelz.
415
00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:46,891
Wait, what? Nah, nah, nah.
416
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:49,272
Joe's fine. He's
just taking a nap.
417
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,855
And Bane, who I'll
miss most of all.
418
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:54,440
Who? Wait, what?
419
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:55,775
No!
420
00:19:55,779 --> 00:19:57,401
I had to use the bathroom
421
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,528
back at your dad's
house and I got lost.
422
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,698
Did you leave me for dead?
423
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,784
Uh, well, yeah, well...
424
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:08,287
But the important thing is we have
the money and we can buy the bar.
425
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:18,339
Is that the briefcase you told
us the Justice League stole?
426
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:19,715
And if it is?
427
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,550
That would mean
Superman never took it.
428
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,470
Which means you were the
one that tricked our flyers
429
00:20:24,474 --> 00:20:26,472
into leaving the
skies unprotected.
430
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:31,435
Except for Kite Man, a known
idiot who would be your fall guy.
431
00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:34,188
There's just one big
flaw in your plan.
432
00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:37,817
The Justice League will scour
the universe for this thing.
433
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,778
And you don't have the
means to protect it.
434
00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:43,906
You only have to protect something
if people know where it is.
435
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,366
It's on your desk.
436
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:47,451
Oh, I'll be moving it
right after you're dead.
437
00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:48,911
"Right after I'm..."
438
00:20:48,915 --> 00:20:50,663
Shit.
439
00:20:50,667 --> 00:20:52,415
In answer to your question,
440
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:56,423
I'll be hiding it in the last
place anyone would think to look.
441
00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,255
Kite Man and Golden Glider,
442
00:20:59,259 --> 00:21:01,674
you are the proud
owners of a bar
443
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:03,801
that's got four mortgages on it
444
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:08,435
as well as black mold
inside every wall.
445
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,019
Lex, we won it fair and square.
446
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:16,313
I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here to congratulate you.
447
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,899
So, are we friends now?
448
00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:23,612
No, I'm friends with important
people like Joker and Paul Simon.
449
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:26,157
Anyway, congrats on your
new business venture.
450
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:27,658
Uh, Bane, let's go.
451
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:31,245
I am with them now. They
treat me with respect.
452
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:33,372
Uh, usually.
453
00:21:33,376 --> 00:21:35,545
Fine. You do you, Bane.
454
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:40,508
I'm doing me!
455
00:21:41,718 --> 00:21:44,258
I've done some whack-ass
shit in my life.
456
00:21:44,262 --> 00:21:47,720
But this... is
the whack-assiest.
457
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:50,848
And I can't imagine doing
it with anyone else.
458
00:21:50,852 --> 00:21:52,183
Hell, yeah.
459
00:21:52,187 --> 00:21:53,642
Babe, I got a feeling we're
gonna make this bar...
460
00:21:53,646 --> 00:21:55,436
...a great success.
461
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,229
Ah, very nice.
462
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,983
Oh, here comes the hand stuff.
463
00:22:05,075 --> 00:22:06,530
Lord Darkseid!
464
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:08,532
After ages of searching,
465
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:11,744
I have narrowed the location of the
weapon to a small range of planets.
466
00:22:11,748 --> 00:22:13,412
Excellent.
467
00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:17,166
For it is Darkseid's destiny to
harness the Anti-Life Equation.
468
00:22:17,170 --> 00:22:22,838
The power to enslave the mind
of every being in the universe.
469
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,343
And undoubtedly, this
priceless weapon is being held
470
00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:31,180
in an impenetrable fortress,
471
00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:36,018
under the protection of its
sector's most supreme beings.
472
00:22:36,022 --> 00:22:39,438
We must prepare for all-out war!
473
00:22:39,442 --> 00:22:42,108
♪ All out... ♪
35666
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