All language subtitles for ukeps-little.britain.s01pilot

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew Download
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish Download
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,200 Britain, Britain, Britainl 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,800 Population: one millions. 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:12,200 Number of towns: nine. Average height: thirty. 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,600 Shoe sizel But just who are Britain? 5 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,320 Over the next eleventeen weeks, we aim to find out 6 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,400 by following the lives of ordinary British folk. 7 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,200 What do they? Who is they? 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,800 And why? 9 00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:33,000 British justice is the best in the world. 10 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:38,520 Anyone who disagrees is either a gay, a woman or a mental. 11 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:44,520 Vicky Pollard, you have been charged with shoplifting. 12 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:49,120 On the 11th of April, it is alleged you went into the Erkskine branch of Superdrug. 13 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:53,200 Once there, you attempted to steal an eyeliner pencil and a can of Red Bull 14 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:56,800 by concealing them in your leggings. 15 00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:06,000 In the face of the overwhelming evidence we've heard against you, you still plead not guilty? 16 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:10,200 No but, yeah but, what happened was this thing I don't know nothin' about. 17 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,720 Shut up! I wasn't supposed to be near there. 18 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,800 Then Meredith came over and stirred it up and called me these things. 19 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,200 Right... but you admit you were in Superdrug? 20 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,400 No but, yeah but, no, 'cause of this whole other thing that Meredith says weren't a thing, 21 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,800 but don't listen 'cause she's a complete slag. 22 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,400 Meredith? Who is Meredith? 23 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:36,720 The one who done that thing, but if she gives you sweets don't eat 'em 'cause she's dirty. 24 00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:38,920 Thing? What thing? 25 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:44,200 Yeah, I know. And anyway there was this whole other thing I didn't even know about or nothin' 26 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:49,200 Liberty told Wayne Duggan that Jermaine fingered Carly round the back of the ice rink. 27 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:54,520 I was on the phone to Jules, but don't listen to her. She had a baby and didn't tell anyone. 28 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,520 Vicky, were you in Superdrug at the time? 29 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:02,920 No! But, yeah but, no but, yeah but... no but, yeah but, no 'cause I wasn't even with Amber. 30 00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:08,120 - Amber? Who's Amber? - Yeah, exactly! I don't even know who she is. 31 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:12,200 - Vicky, I don't think you realise... - No, but there's this other thing, right... 32 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:16,000 - If you're found guilty... - You can't say that, right... 33 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:20,800 - I'm allergic to cat hair. - Are you going to keep interrupting me?! 34 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:25,520 - No, I'm not. I'm gonna let you speak. - Good. 35 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:29,000 - Now, we've heard from... - Oh, my God! Right... 36 00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,320 - I give up! - Craig felt up Amy at Alton Towers. 37 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:37,600 Her mum totally had an eppy, but then Dean went on the Mary Rose and was sick on Louise's head. 38 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,600 - Does the defence have anything to say? - Yes, M'L ord. 39 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,800 Vicky, have you got my purse? 40 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:56,920 It's a quarter past Gillian, and the Aberdoone Stook Hoose in Scotchland is serving dinner. 41 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:04,600 - Would you pass me another breadstick, love? - There you go, dear. Lovely soup, isn't it? 42 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:07,400 Very tangy. I'd love to know what they put in it. 43 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:10,200 I hear ye talkin' aboot ma soups! 44 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,000 - You must be the chef. - Maybe I am and maybe I'm not! 45 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:18,000 (FOLK TUNE) 46 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,800 - Well, eh, are you? - Ye-e-es! 47 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:29,120 My wife, Morag, and myself were complimenting your broth. We'd love to make it at home. 48 00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:32,320 You'd like to know ma secrets, would you? 49 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:40,600 - Well, yes. - Have you ever heard of a thing called butter? 50 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:46,720 - Well, yes. - Gold in colour and slippery to the touch. 51 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,320 Yes, eh... butter. 52 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,800 - Anything else? - Ye-e-es! 53 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,920 - Are you going to tell us? - Ye-e-es! 54 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:05,000 Have you ever heard the legend of the seeded fruit that is often mistooken for a vegetable? 55 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:09,200 - Oh, the tomato. - Red in colour and fleshy within. 56 00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,800 But beware of the pips! 57 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,600 They call it the tom-ato! 58 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,800 - The tomato. - Ye-e-es! 59 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,720 - Anything else? - Ye-e-es! 60 00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:26,320 Well? 61 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,400 Have you ever heard of such a thing as a cow? 62 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,000 Yes, I do believe I've heard of a cow. 63 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:37,400 Ah, but did you know the cow secretes a liquor from its udder? 64 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,120 Yes! Milk! 65 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,920 Oh. 66 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,720 Em... 67 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,720 (FEEBLE FLOURISH) 68 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,600 - Well, thank you very much. - Have you ever heard... 69 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:57,400 - Of what? - Salt! 70 00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:01,000 (A COUNTRY JIG) 71 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,920 Yes, we're familiar with salt. 72 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:13,200 Ah! You fell into my trap, for I speak of the foe of salt! 73 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:16,600 - Pepper (!) - You know too much! 74 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:22,600 So it's butter, tomato, milk, salt and pepper? Do you use a vegetable stock with that? 75 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,600 - Ye-e-es! - Is that it? 76 00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:26,400 Ye-e-es! 77 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,520 Well, thank you very much. So, Morag... 78 00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:32,320 Ye know too much! Ye know... 79 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,520 ...too much! 80 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:39,200 Ye know too much! 81 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,520 So, any... 82 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:47,520 - Morag, you were telling me about... - I'll leave ye with a riddle! 83 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:53,600 I'm hard, yet soft. I'm coloured, yet clear. I'm fruity and sweet, I am jelly - what am I? 84 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,600 - Jelly. - Muse upon it further. I shall return. 85 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:03,200 - It's jelly, though, isn't it? - Ye-e-es! 86 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:20,520 Oh, yes, you're very tense, aren't you, Jonathan? 87 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:24,720 I think the thing to do is to try and think of something relaxing. 88 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:29,400 When I want to relax, I like to think of a herd of marauding buffalo, 89 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:33,600 trampling through a village. The villagers are fleeing. 90 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:37,600 Perhaps one or two of them are caught in the melee. 91 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,200 You still seem very tense. 92 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:46,920 We continue our journey in Merkin, a happy town just north of Troot. 93 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:51,320 It's midday, and rubbish transvestite Emily Howard is paying a visit 94 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,000 to his local swimming pool. 95 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,400 Ahem! Ah-he-hem! 96 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:10,320 First things first. I am a lady and I would like a ladies' swim, please. 97 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:13,800 Er, yeah. Men, women, whatever. It's L2.60. 98 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,000 That's right. A ladies' swim. Oh, where's my purse? 99 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:23,520 It's in my ladies' handbag that I bought from a ladies' shop. From a lady. 100 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:30,400 These coins are so heavy! Of course, you wouldn't notice, being a man. 101 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:36,200 Heaven knows what that is like! I do not. How could I? I'm a lady! 102 00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:40,200 Tell me, is there a poo-el reserved for womenfolk? 103 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:45,120 - No, there's just one pool. It's mixed. - No! Really? 104 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:49,720 Mm-hm-hm! Mm-hm-hm! Mm-hm-hm! 105 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:54,200 Yeah, there is a "ladies only" swim night. On Tuesday nights. 106 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:58,200 - Tuesday nights you say? - Yeah. So you can't come then. 107 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:05,400 No, you're right. I can't come then. I'm doing ladies' things that night, that ladies do. 108 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,120 Because that's what I am. A lady! 109 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,920 Ooh! I've dropped my lace handkerchief on the floor. 110 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:17,200 (HE SIGHS) 111 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:21,320 - There you are, mate. - I bet you wonder what the initials stand for. 112 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:26,320 E.H. - it's Emily. Emily Howard. I have a lady's name because that's what I am. A lady. 113 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:32,000 - Yeah. The pool's that way. - Thank you. Where are the changing rooms? 114 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,800 The men's changing rooms are just over there. 115 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:40,000 Oh, so you have changing rooms for men. Very good. And the ladies? 116 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:45,200 Well, the ladies' change - which is for ladies only - is right next door. 117 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,000 Merci, monsieur! 118 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,400 So men can't go in there! They get thrown out! 119 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,000 I should hope so! 120 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,200 Thank you. I've found it. 121 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,200 Ooh! 122 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,600 Toys in Britain are sold in toy shops. 123 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,320 This isn't a toy shop. It's a real shop. 124 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,000 Hello! Looking for anything in particular? 125 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:49,000 Yes, do you have any pirate memory games suitable for children between 4 and 8? 126 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,520 Eh, I'll just have a look. 127 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:56,000 I can't see any here. One moment. 128 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,920 Margaret? Margaret? 129 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:15,720 - Yes? - A gentleman here wants pirate memory games. 130 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,000 - Ages 4... - Ages 4 to 8. 131 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,200 We should have some, up by the farm toys. 132 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,200 Oh, yes. Here we are. 133 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,520 Pieces of Eight. A pirate memory game. Ages 4 to 8. 134 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:34,400 - Can I have a look? - There you go. 135 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:37,920 "Match the pirates and find the treasure." 136 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,000 That all right for you? 137 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,200 Have you got any other pirate memory games? 138 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,400 - Em... - It's not quite what I had in mind. 139 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,920 I can't see any here. One moment. 140 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,800 - Margaret? Margaret? - What? 141 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000 - Have we got any other pirate memory games? - What? 142 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,320 - Have we got any other pirate memory games? - No! 143 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:13,000 - That's the only one. What's wrong with that? - That's the only one. What's wrong with that? 144 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:18,200 - I wanted something a little less pirate-y. - He wanted something a little less pirate-y! 145 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,320 - Has he tried Simmons? - Have you tried Simmons? 146 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:25,000 - Yes, I've just been there. - I don't know what to suggest. 147 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,520 Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? 148 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,600 Er, I'm not sure. Margaret'll know. One moment. 149 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:38,800 Margaret? Margaret? Is there a shop that specialises in pirate memory games? 150 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,000 - Near here. - I don't think there are any in the local area! 151 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,800 She doesn't think there are any in the local area. 152 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,800 OK, I'll... I'll just wait. 153 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,800 10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister. 154 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:15,000 The Prime Minister is, like, this guy who is, like, in charge of, like, the whole country. 155 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:34,000 So it is with great reluctance that I have decided to accept the minister's resignation. 156 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:38,600 - I'll take a few questions. - Boyd Hilton, "Smash Hits". 157 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,800 Prime Minister, do you admit the Foreign Secretary lied to the House? 158 00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:46,920 - I've answered that question already. Next. - Greg Davis, "Puzzler". 159 00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:51,600 - Have you appointed a replacement? - We'll make an announcement shortly. 160 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:55,320 Angus Thomas, "Kerrang!". Who's next to go from your Cabinet? 161 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:58,120 There will be no more resignations. 162 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:02,600 Roy Sloan, "Whizzer and Chips". Have you lost your strongest ally? 163 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:05,400 There is no rift in the Cabinet. 164 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:10,600 - Andrew Jarman, "Dinosaur Magazine". - Sorry, I don't know that one. 165 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:15,600 It's new. You get a free binder with Part One. You collect it over 24 weeks. 166 00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,600 It's everything you need to know about dinosaurs. 167 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,800 Oh, yes? Go ahead. 168 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:24,720 Oh, I'm sorry. I've forgotten the question. 169 00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:31,000 Roger Wakeley, "Asian Babes". Given your support of yet another disgraced minister, 170 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,720 hasn't your position become untenable? 171 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,400 - Certainly not. One more question. - George Paxton, "Daily Telegraph". 172 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,800 Who's your favourite member of Westlife? 173 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,800 Yes, a lot of stress knots in your ear. 174 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:49,720 Imagine a gang of children throwing stones at a pensioner. 175 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,920 He is weeping softly as they lift him and put him into a wheelie bin. 176 00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:00,920 The wheelie bin is being pushed down a hill now and the children have let go. 177 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,400 It's careering towards a busy road. 178 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:08,400 Relax. 179 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,200 (WHISTLING CHEERFULLY) 180 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:19,000 If there's one thing that brings this country down, it's fat people. 181 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:23,320 They're heavy, they're rude and in summer they smell. 182 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,000 I know. Well, they're all the same. Yeah. 183 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:31,200 I'd better go. I've got my fat people round. All right. OK, bye. 184 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,720 OK, sorry about that. 185 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:37,600 So, welcome to "FatFighters". 186 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:42,800 I've been looking forward to finding out how we're all doing in our fight against the flab. 187 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,720 So let's start by going round the circle. Paul. 188 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,200 Hello, I'm Paul. I'm three stone off my target weight. 189 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,000 I'm Pat. I'm five stones and one pound off my target weight. 190 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,000 My name is Meera and I am one stone off my target weight. 191 00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,600 And I am Marjorie and I am my target weight. 192 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:06,520 OK, so it's a special day today at "FatFighters" 193 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:10,320 because we have a new member! 194 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:15,120 He is a new member. His name is Christopher Halliday. 195 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:19,320 He's just turned 13 and he's got a little bit of a problem with food. 196 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,400 Now, we're all friends here at "FatFighters" 197 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:26,600 and I've promised his mum we're all going to be extra special nice to him. 198 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,920 - Hello! - So, Chris... 199 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:36,120 ...I hear they bully you at school. What do they say, Chris? What do they call you? 200 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,600 - Fatty. - Fatty? 201 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:42,200 Oh, that's awful. 202 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,000 - Not Fatty Bum Bum? - No. 203 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,520 They don't go, "Ooh, Fatty Bum Bum"? No, just Fatty. 204 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,400 The Incredible Bulk? 205 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,120 Piggy? Pigs In Space! 206 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,320 - No. - No. 207 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,000 Oh! Chubby Checker? Fat Greedy Boy? 208 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,400 - Cracker! - No. 209 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:17,120 - They don't ALL make fun of me, you know. - No, but... the other ones will be thinking it. 210 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:24,520 So, what advice can we give to Fatty Halliday about losing some of this excess weight? Paul? 211 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,400 - Eat sensibly. - That's rich coming from you. Anyone else? 212 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:33,520 - Don't eat too much chocolate. - What? Chocolate's the only friend he's got! 213 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,920 - Meera? - Exercise. 214 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,720 - What? - Exercise. 215 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,600 - Do it again. - Exercise. 216 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,920 - Do it again. - Exercise! 217 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:43,920 - One more? - Exercise! 218 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:49,720 No, I'll tell you what you should be doing, Chris. Getting some exercise. That reminds me. 219 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:52,800 A lot of hidden calories in curry. But exercise. 220 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,720 Anything, really - football, jogging, football. 221 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:01,320 I do 10 minutes of step aerobics every month and that's why I'm so thin. 222 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,200 - You're not thin. You're fat. - I'm sorry? 223 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:09,200 - He said you're fat. - I heard what he said! No name-calling here! 224 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,400 Ooh! That hurt. That really did hurt. 225 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,720 Ooh! Oh. 226 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,920 Oh... 227 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,000 No, it should be there. 228 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:28,000 I know you're new, Christopher, but that's not how we do things at "FatFighters", all right? 229 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,720 Right, we'll... We'll move on. 230 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:33,320 We'll put it behind us. 231 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:38,200 Our presentation topic today - Legal & Illegal Foods. 232 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,400 Chrissy, want to give me a hand with the board? 233 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:47,400 You ever do anything like that again, I'm gonna kill your mum. 234 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:53,200 Back at 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is meeting one of his aides. 235 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:58,400 - Have the results of the opinion poll come? - I've got them right here, Prime Minister. 236 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:00,920 What sort of things are people saying? 237 00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:05,920 Very happy with your work on Northern Ireland, strong approval on health service reforms 238 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,400 and they'd like to see you in shorts. 239 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,800 - Shorts? - Yeah. A pair of cycling shorts or something. 240 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,000 - Oh. - They like your tough stance on crime. 241 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:23,400 And they like it when your hair's a bit wet, 'cause you look kind of soppy, Prime Minister. 242 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,920 - They'd like to see you wrestle a man. - I'm sorry? 243 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:33,400 Bosnia good, education could do better, wrestling men I've covered... 244 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:37,520 - Can I have a look at them? - Yeah, just right here. 245 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:41,720 Now, Railtrack. Oh, you've got an eyelash. Stay still. 246 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:45,120 Make a wish! 247 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,600 Darling, there's your suit for the Treasury dinner. We're running very late. Change here. 248 00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:54,600 - Thank you, darling. - Have you seen my earrings? 249 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:58,120 I don't know. Which ones? You do know Sebastian? 250 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,800 - Hello, Sebastian. - Hi (!) 251 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,800 - Sorry. We're having a meeting here! - Have you tried the bathroom? 252 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,600 Now, don't be long. 253 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:14,200 - See you later, darling. - I'm not going. 254 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,400 - I was talking to my wife. - Bye, Sebastian. 255 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,400 Whatever (!) 256 00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:24,520 So, anyway, um... Oh, God! I've completely forgotten what I was gonna say! 257 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,800 - Thanks for coming in. I should get changed. - Yes, of course. Of course. 258 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:36,800 - And you'll speak to the Foreign Secretary? - I'll get straight onto it, Prime Minister. 259 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:48,200 Oh, yes, can you approve the budget overspend by first thing on Monday 260 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,200 because it's quite... big? 261 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:57,800 - Yes, Sebastian. Now, if you don't mind... - Quick, Prime Minister! Get down! 262 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,400 - What's going on? - I thought there was a sniper. 263 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,520 - Where? - By the window, but there isn't. 264 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,200 Can we get up now? 265 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,000 Give it a minute. 266 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,600 Darling, isn't it time you got rid of Sebastian? 267 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,120 It's late noon in Britain's capital city. 268 00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:27,720 Come on. We'll give you half-price. 269 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:32,200 Theatrical agent Jeremy Rent receives a visit from one of his clients. 270 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:37,000 - Dennis Waterman's arrived. - Excellent news. Send him in. 271 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:42,520 - Hello! - Dennis! 272 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,320 Lovely to see you, dear heart. Do take a seat. 273 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:57,520 How does this grab you? Comedy drama, Granada. June, July, maybe August. Depends. 274 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:02,720 It's a lead. You play John, escaped convict. He's on the run, he wins the Lottery. 275 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:07,000 - Lucky Runnings. Miriam Margolyes... - The fat one? 276 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:08,920 - Yes. - I like her. 277 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,800 - Pete Davison. - Off the telly?! 278 00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,600 Les Grantham, Ru Madoc, Dave Yip. 279 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,600 It's a nice one, Den. The scripts are good. 280 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,800 - Ooh, they're heavy! - And the money's great. 281 00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:29,120 That's nice. So they want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? 282 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,600 No, I think they just want you to be in it. 283 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:34,800 Someone else is writing it, but I'll sing it? 284 00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,600 No, they seem to have that one all sorted out. 285 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,800 Now, why don't I give them a ring 286 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:46,520 and we can let them know that you've had the... You all right, Dennis? 287 00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:50,200 - Not doing it! - Why not? 288 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,200 Don't want to. It's rubbish. Scripts are stoo-pid! 289 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:59,000 You haven't even read them yet! 290 00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:00,800 Dennis? 291 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:06,600 # I'm an escaped convict on the ru-un Da-da-da-da-da-da 292 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:10,920 # I've won the Lottery and I'm having fun Do-do-do-do 293 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:15,320 # I'm running much too fast Can't escape from the past 294 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,600 # I'd be so good for Lucky Runnings! # 295 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,400 Dennis, this insistence of yours on always writing and singing the theme tune 296 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,720 really isn't doing you any favours. 297 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,720 So give up acting and concentrate on singing? 298 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:34,720 No! Dennis! You could have been in the new Indiana Jones film! As his brother! 299 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,200 You know who that part went to? Ralph Fiennes. 300 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,000 - He's no singer! - (PHONE RINGS) 301 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:45,120 Excuse me. Hello? It's the Indiana Jones people. Really? 302 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:50,200 Ralph Fiennes has been decapitated in a stunt! Yes, Dennis IS still available. 303 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,320 - Let me speak to them! - He's right here. I'll just pass you over. 304 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,600 Hello? 305 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,520 Yes, I'm fine. 306 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,720 # I am Indiana Jones's brother, da-da-da... # 307 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,320 Hello? 308 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:10,600 Working-class people in Britain are stored in buildings like these. 309 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:33,720 - Is that you, Gary? - I brought a mate. Jason, my sister Julie. 310 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,720 - Hello. - This is me mum. 311 00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,920 - How do you do? - And this is my nan. 312 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,320 Hell-o! 313 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,000 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 314 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:49,320 I'll put the kettle on, shall I? 315 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:58,000 So... Nan, you smell nice. What is it? 316 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,920 - Murray Mints. - Haven't seen you around. 317 00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:06,920 - Where do you normally hang out? - The day centre. 318 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,720 Must check it out. 319 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:15,920 - Anyone told you you've got beautiful teeth? - They're not mine! 320 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,320 - Maureen? - Yes, Mum? 321 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:23,120 - Will you take me to the loo? - I'm just making the tea, Mum. 322 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:27,800 - Julie, take your nan to the toilet. - It's OK! I'll do it. 323 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,320 Up we get. 324 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,400 Oh, sorry. I thought that was your elbow. 325 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:52,000 Yes, I've just found some stress knots here in the perineum which I'm going to work on. 326 00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:56,200 And, tell you what, why don't you have a little nap? 327 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,400 I'll sing you a lullaby as you drift off. 328 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,600 # Go to sleep 329 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,400 # Go-o to sleep 330 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,120 # Go-o to slee-eep 331 00:25:08,320 --> 00:25:10,720 # GO to sleep! 332 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,800 # GO TO SLEEP!! 333 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:18,120 # Aaaawwww! Ye-e-e-es!! # 334 00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,720 Jonathan, are you asleep? 335 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:30,000 Meanwhile, in the small Welsh mining village of Llandewi Breffi lies this charming little pub. 336 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:34,600 With its original slate roof and delightful period features, 337 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,120 it truly is a joy to behold. 338 00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:40,400 Ah, look at that. It really is a beauty. 339 00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,000 It's what Britain's all about. 340 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,520 - Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, Myfanwy? - Coming right up. 341 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,720 - Bloody hell, Myfanwy, I'm so down. - Why is that, Daffyd? 342 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,400 I'm the only gay in this village. 343 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,000 I dream of the day I can meet other gays who know what it's like. 344 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:07,000 I was going to tell you. I was talking to old Ma Evans 345 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:12,400 and she's taken in a lodger from Cardiff. And guess what - he is a gay! 346 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:14,600 I don't think so! 347 00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:19,600 No, apparently he is. I told old Ma Evans to send him over here so you can meet him. 348 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:25,120 I'll be very surprised if he is a gay. Everybody knows I am the only gay in this village. 349 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,600 This must be him. 350 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,000 Hiya! Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please? 351 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:35,000 - What an effeminate drink! - Oh, you must be Daffyd! 352 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,200 There you are. 353 00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,600 I'll... leave you boys to it. 354 00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:45,400 It's such a shame I am the only gay in this village. 355 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,400 - Oh, I'm a gay. - I don't think so! 356 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:53,520 No, I bloody am, you know. Old Ma Evans said you were the only gay in this village. 357 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,200 Now you're not. Now there's two of us. 358 00:26:56,400 --> 00:27:00,800 All right, if you're a gay, who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"? 359 00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:03,520 - (BOTH) Judy Garland. - How did you know?! 360 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:08,600 - It's easy. Everyone knows that. - Right, this'll sort the gays from the not gays. 361 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,000 Who is the gay character in "Are You Being Served?"? 362 00:27:12,120 --> 00:27:16,200 - (ALL) Mr Humphries! - Was it? 363 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:22,200 That's very subtle, then. I always thought it was Captain Peacock. He has the moustache. 364 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:27,200 I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay. 365 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,720 No, you're probably just a little bit poofy! 366 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,320 - I am a gay! I've had sex with men! - More than you've had, Daffyd. 367 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:39,800 Shut up, Myfanwy! I am the only gay man in this village! 368 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:45,800 - Well, maybe I should go. - Yes! We have one gay. We don't need another. 369 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,400 Well, goodbye, then. 370 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,600 Daffyd Thomas, you stupid man! You could have had a bit of cock there! 371 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:02,920 "I am the only gay man in this village" (!) You're full of shit, you! 372 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:08,200 That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude I've come to expect in this village! Good day! 373 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,120 lan? 374 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,920 We're gonna need another box. 375 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:37,400 If you have enjoyed this programme, there is a fact sheet available 376 00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:43,320 which accompanies the series, containing recipes from the show, quizzes, knitting patterns 377 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:46,520 and pornographic pictures I've drawn of myself. 378 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:49,520 Goodbinel 379 00:28:55,000 --> 00:29:00,000 subs by W-O-R-S-T 380 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,800 .:: Napisy24 - Nowy Wymiar Napisów ::. Napisy24.pl 33705

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.