All language subtitles for Making Babies 2018 Yut Eliza Coupe en

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hey

kids what's

nothing I just I still feel like this is

a lot of house for two people well who

says it only has to be the two of us

let's get

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started

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on

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[Applause]

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a

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John

yeah come in

here okay be right

there

I think this batch is contaminated with

a wild yeast infection oh I'll give you

a wild yeast no I think you did one time

here we go come

on is this one of these blue plus things

or no it's one of the digital

ones it's okay it's okay it's it's no

big deal look we're going to get

pregnant I know it I can feel it I

promise you all right m i love

you I love you too and look at the

bright side you get to get hammered at

the wedding oh yeah that's that's almost

exactly the same so tell me the good

news

negative

what did you tell your mother you're

taking a pregnancy test she memorized my

ovulation schedule oh yeah sure that's

normal again

how is that possible oh my God I don't

want to talk about

it are you using the ovulation strips

that I buy you okay not here I just want

you to know that I've been praying to St

Rita for you

both do you know who St Vita is Johnny h

no I don't know who that is she's the

pent saint of

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impotence what now impotence

okay bird I am not impotent okay never

have been never will be rock hard every

time oh take it down that's the problem

because I have to take it down it's

always up my mother rock hard every

time St Rita is the patron saint of

infertility not impotence anyway just

remember that your dead God Rest his

gentle soul you know he died without

ever knowing of his bloodline would

continue that is a terrible thing to say

I just want to be able to hold a

grandchild before I die okay well

look where does she think she is is she

chewing

gum Yer Island what is she wearing oh a

tip I forgot to give you earlier next

time after you're done um

performing you should raise Katie's hips

in the

air that's what I did that's how she was

conceived cuz we raised my hips in the

air and then that way gravity pulled his

seen break into my uterus all right

thank you bird we'll just have her do a

handstand how's that well it's just

helpful it's just a helpful

thing looks like Uncle Polly is going to

kill somebody right now actually I think

he's doing pretty well considering her

situation what situation come on you

heard young couple short

engagement she's

pregnant so now you

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know I used to babysit Jill babysit her

I now she's pregnant before me I

just forget it sorry um just tell me

something

good well for one you're super

hot you looked beautiful

tonight and

second I stole three bottles of

champagne from the bar

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oo don't touch

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myself what

the hey hey

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did your kids maybe not break everything

in my garage oh kids knock it off no

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meop what they

say uh he said he's very sorry and she

said she loves her Uncle very

much you have no idea what they said to

you

no I feel terrible we're totally

invading your house aren't we huh we're

ruining your cozy Sunday no stop it we

love it when you guys come visit see

how's the uh software update

coming that's why you're here you're

checking up on me what no just making

small talk with my little bro and

getting a lot of heat from the higher

ups you know we've pre-sold a lot of the

software John so I got a few more tweaks

to make and then I'll give it to you all

right all

right what the hell are you wearing by

the way right my new motorcycle jacket

you love it I don't you don't own a

motorcycle not yet but after this

month's commission check I will Gordon

you had training wheels until you were

13 John don't worry about me bro huh I

got the best helmet money can buy and I

got to take a state mandated safety

course you got to see this hog I got

loud pipes save lives I hate motorcycles

I hate everything about them I mean he's

really going to do that

though um I guess didn't he somehow

break a leg playing poker that's month

he found a gray peee hair ever since

he's been acting really crazy just want

to back up a pee PE hair yeah let's not

talk about it this big G I can't it's

weird that I can picture that more than

the motorcycle IR look I'm not trying to

stress you out but you're the best

developer we've got John what is that

this is my new India Pale L took me a

few batches but I think I got it this

IPA is going to be the premier beer when

I open up the

brewery

what do you think no what do you mean no

what's the problem the flavor is weak

how many ibus is this 65 oh you look so

cute you little pink n you're like a

little baby girl supposed to be between

80 and 100 ibus man I'm trying to make

session beers I'm trying to make beers

that people can drink and enjoy and have

maybe more than one without their faces

melting off people want hoppy ipas John

West Coast style that's what sells you

know what those people are

morons I should be happy for Jill but

I'm I can't I'm just I'm so jealous and

I hate that about

myself you just need to relax you're

never going to get pregnant if you're

stressed out you need a

vacation you should go

camping camping is pretty stressful I

mean it feels like a really

stressful camping that's a sleeping bag

Baby M perfect

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butterfly

yeah no I'm so I'm so

okay use hot boil no I do not use hot

boil you're kid you need hot boil for an

IPA John no it's against the laws

everybody knows that says who the

reinheit

Scot those are 500y old German beer laws

who cares the laws state the proper

techniques and ingredients to ensure

quality unless it follows the law it's

technically not a be here well you're

technically a dork I mean I love you but

you're a dork I'm not drinking that as a

woman this is the one thing I'm supposed

to be able to do and I can't do it I

mean that need to nurture to be a mother

that is that's something something I've

wanted my entire life have you thought

about adoption yeah we're on a list but

no no it'll be years before there's an

opening and plus we're just we're not

ready to stop trying have you seen a

fertility doctor those procedures seem

so

invasive you're just afraid of getting a

shot you big baby no that's a that's a

that's very

true so go see a doctor and if it

doesn't work out I'll give you one of my

kids oh okay she up for grabs not her

but I can get you a sweet deal on

Dy

o hard

pass what you

doing uh just finishing up some work

what's going on I want to go to

fertility

doctor oh now I think they might be

closed okay no I've been doing some

research and I really think this is the

answer we've been looking

for are you serious yeah I found this

doctor and he's supposed to be the

best well does our insurance cover it

yeah is it safe yeah I mean look I'm not

thrilled about this either but we've got

to face the facts what we've been doing

it's not it's not working

do you think we've been doing it wrong

okay you know we should try reverse cowg

girl I think that might help us let

solve all our problems I'm being serious

I am too don't you still want a baby yes

of course I do okay then I think this is

our last chance I'm going to turn 35

this year and my my uterus is going to

shut down like Chernobyl no it's not

we've been trying to get pregnant since

we got married that's that's 5 years

without so much as a blip what if

there's something wrong with me there's

nothing wrong with you you don't know

that

come on this is really important to me I

need you to get on

board

okay all right make the appointment okay

we'll hear what the doctor has to say

this amazing

doctor and then if it doesn't work we

really need to try reverse calro you

really hung up on this reverse C I don't

know why you like this so much I think

it's great you're facing north I'm

facing north but you're going in front

of me don't want to look at your feet

look up I can't look up I'd lose my

focus and I could we I hurt

you as you're both very much aware there

are limits to manual conception nature

is a capricious often times perplexing

force that can benefit from The Helping

Hand of modern science but before I get

into any specifics I want to ask you a

question it's a question I ask all my

potential

patients are you both prepared to do

what it takes to have a

baby let me tell you a story

on his Fame March to the Sea General

William com of Sherman presented an

ultimatum to the citizens of Savannah

should I be forced to resort to assault

he warned them I shall then feel

justified in resorting to the harshest

of measures and shall make little effort

to restrain my Army now burning to

avenge the national wrong of dragging

our country into Civil War so I'm going

to ask you both again are you prepared

to do what it takes to have a

baby yes yes

yes

great ktie let's talk about your

uterus

sure my 40 plus years of practicing

medicine I've seen a wide range of uter

ey and

yours is one of the finest specimens

I've ever

seen really it's a real showstopper oh

okay I think I'm blushing I knew that I

was told her that okay so if it's such a

a showstopper then why can't I get

pregnant well I think we have to be open

to the option it may not be you that's

having the problem John when did you

last have a sperm

analysis sorry what you cannot use any

lubrication and all the specimen must

make it into the

receptacle wait a minute I have to

masturbate into this you bet you do if

any of the speci not into the receptacle

you will have to produce another but

with others waiting you'd have to go the

end of the line there's visual aids in

there I picked them out myself they're

pretty

good titty

Bonanza

Jim what's the other one oh one's called

Dad when you're done bring the specimen

to the nurse's

guest I have to jack off into this and I

don't know if I can do it I don't know

if I can perform what do you mean

perform it's not karaoke it's like

Tupperware where you store like mashed

potatoes or something I can't do it

course I don't why you can't do it I

don't feel sexy

you don't feel I'm sorry you don't feel

sexy just look at all the guys sitting

you're not going to be with these guys

you're going in a different room they're

not going to be there it's very it's a

large opening is there a problem no no

no no he's just having a little little

case of the Old Stage right

so if it helps we do allow wives to

assist

oh

oh all right let's just get this over

with as soon as possible I don't know

this is like the

set of a saw movie oh

oh yeah Dad it's there it really is a

video called Dad oh here we go let's

just okay all right what do you need for

me you want me to take my shirt off or

my pants or give me a hand job okay copy

that here we go oh I'm sorry they're

cold Mr miag okay just make a fire

really quickly

camping oh

oh

yeah can you not look at me like that

like what you look like like a Christmas

elf like giving me a hand job it's just

a little lock okay okay all right oh I'm

sorry I know I know you have to be

kidding me no it's it's work I am

supposed to be in a meeting right now

let me just you are in a meeting it's a

very important

meeting okay I'm sorry all right what

can I do to make it talk dirty to me

talking dirty something dirty talking

coming at you here we go you are doing

such a great job I am so proud of you

and you are just I'm you're such a

you're a good person thank you thank you

for all the encouragement but I'm not

building a deck okay I see how can you

say something dirty something nasty call

me something yes uh turn on I got it you

are a mighty St oh we got the dirty

leprechaun now yes and I am a fertile

mayor and I'm just Galloping through a

wind blown face and you're coming up

after me and you mount me weird and you

get behind me and you stick it in oddly

effective is that good or is it bad okay

we're going tighter we're going tighter

we're going a little tighter okay we

good we got it you're the Steed planting

your seed nasty little Leprechaun

comeing for my pot of

gold get it in the

Tupperware

oh hey Danica could I get your help with

something uh yes very quickly I'm late

for a meeting okay I'm just new to this

accounting software so I just want um

are payables oh yeah uh if you just

search by invoice date okay then you can

just tab through oh that's easy that is

easy

great uh sorry one more thing do we

always wait 30 days to pay our invoices

yes always oh who dumb idea was that uh

mine we want to show as much cash on the

books as possible yeah it's just that um

the vendors give us a 2% discount if we

pay in 10 days I mean that's like

lending money at 36% a year no that

can't be right well yeah it's 36.7 to be

exact but what are our 210 net 30

payables for which time period this

month companywide about 4.6 million so

if we actually paid 20 days early then

we would be saving 92,000 a month which

would then turn out to roughly like 1.1

million a year you're new here right I

am first week great well I appreciate

your enthusiasm but let's not try to

reinvent the wheel okay yeah copy that

you're the CFO I'm just the controller

sounds like we're on the same page then

that's

great I'm smarter than she is hey

dude dude where you been for I know the

code B up the entire system in testing

but I'm going to fix no no no that's not

it they sold the company what who when

over the weekend and that's not

all I got a

promotion yeah wow that's great but uh

they let the entire it Department go

what

that's your department yeah I know okay

so anyway you're you're fir but that's

that's not my call that's not my

call you you quit your job oh no no no

no even better I got

fired ah and what about Gordon they made

him VP of sales ktie do you see how

wonderful this is they gave me a

severance package that combined with

what I've been saving I can focus all my

energy on the brewery I'm I'm I'm very

very happy for

you what what is it what's wrong I'm not

I don't okay I don't want to be like a

wet blanket here but we are barely

making ends meet with two incomes I mean

we've got credit card debt and and

mortgage and and car payments I'm not

saying that you you can't open the

brewery but I mean

but we need another income Oh Katie I

cannot get another it job I mean this

Brewery is going to take all my time

it's a full-time gig okay I'm I'm not

even saying you need to get like a job

job but it's just something part-time

something something to keep our heads

above water it's like

what

Honda you my

driver yeah that's me I'm your

driver think it was going to be a piece

of [ __ ] Honda I

apologize all right

dude flip a [ __ ] hop on the tin get off

on l and I'll give you a holler when we

get there all right what's the address I

want to go home what well you don't want

to go home no I want to go home what are

you talking about what's her dress she

wants to go home what's her address

don't worry it's my girlfriend bro she

does this all the time you're coming to

my house we're going to my house get on

the tin what I hey whoa she's your

girlfriend huh yeah my girlfriend yeah

what's her last

name all right I'm going to take her

home you get out of my car I'm not

getting out of your car dude step on the

gas hit on the come on dude we're going

to have a God here we go listen man who

pays the bills I paid get out of my car

now he's getting at him we're still

doing the ter all right give me

a let's go bro I'll whoop your [ __ ]

ass dude you think you're big let's go

big man come

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on

hello

right oh big

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day don't mind if I do twice Katie what

are you doing just getting a little

snack sorry maybe nobody told you this

is the working mom's lunch we meet the

first Wednesday of every month oh that's

exclusive hi hi there do you have

children how's that now this is the

working mom's lunch do you have a child

uh I I yes oh so blessed a girl

boy

boy oh how old is he

three what's his

name plate plate Play-Doh like the the

old

philosopher you don't have a child do

you or do

I I don't I do I do not well then maybe

you just want to leave us to it yeah

I'll leave you working moms to it good

for you working being mothers look at

that huh screw you 1950 okay thank you

hey richen Pam what's

happening who were there oh you wouldn't

know him some of my bike friends oh yeah

your bike friends yeah so what's this

important news you got to tell

me okay I'm going to quit my job I'm

going to help you open the brewery I'm

going to be your partner

no why not cuz you do this every single

time every time I start something new

you come in and stomp all over it name

one time uh my landscaping business in

college gangus Lawns come on your

overhead was insane no look I've got it

all figured out you're going to brew the

beer I'm going to run the business we'll

make a million bucks no look I've got

money okay with me we can be up and

running in 2 months oh yeah you have

that kind of money yeah my 401k my IRA I

can sell Company stock what are you

talking about you don't want to sell

that that's blood money you just got

promoted why would you want to do this I

don't want to sell software for the rest

of my life John all right I don't want

to look back and think I never took a

risk I mean this is important what is it

I think I know that guy is that Dr Ramos

who's Dr Ramos hey John Kelly good to

see you hey doctor how are you uh this

is my brother Gordon General it's quite

an outfit you got I I like it oh I teach

American history at the local community

college today we're studying the Battle

of the Bulge Germany's last feudal

offensive on the Western Front my

favorite battle well you probably have

to get back good to see you no no I'm

glad I ran into you we just got the

results back from your Seaman analysis

oh no come here talking about this later

no no it's not all bad news though even

though your sperm count is low low

please not let me ask you something what

kind of unders slacks do you wear boxes

or

briefs there you

go you wearing underuse little bro come

on everyone knows you got to wear boxers

he's right in order to produce a

sufficient amount of sperm the

temperature the testicles needs to be

lower than the body temperature the

briefs keep the testicles warm you got

to cool though off then what's the good

news dog you said there was some good

news even though her sperm count is low

the sperm he does have her excellent

swimmers so there's nothing to be

ashamed of Mister beg to differ anyway I

got to run give me a call we decide what

our next steps are Gordon nice to meet

you nice to meet you

doctor I like

him wonder what kind of bike he rides

Ducati oh man Ducati that's an Italian

bike I know that much hey here's just

some uh strong swimmers

huh okay there are two ways that we can

can go here the first is ovulation

stimulation through a medical Regiment

of injectable

hormones Katie's afraid of needles she

has tattoos but she's scared of needles

it's different it's so different one is

like a this and the other's like a this

it's different the time of ovulation we

would perform an IUI what is that what's

an IUI it's when they take the sperm and

they implant it into the uterus exactly

and the health of the sperm and the

ovaries is essential to the process so I

have to recommend you abstain from

Alcohol Tobacco and recreational drugs

but that's just a recommendation though

right you also have to refrain from

manual intercourse that's not just a

recommendation that's an

order I'm sorry that abstain he said uh

that no sex it's a very delicate process

John we can't have you messing up the

works how long can we have sex for

between 1 and 6 months what now what's

the success rate of IUI statistics

indicate it'll increase the chances of

conception by 10 to 15% 6 months is

there another option inv vitro fertiliz

we fertilize the egg with the sperm in a

lab and implant the fertilized egg into

the uterus okay what's the probability

of IVF 50/50 fantastic IVF we can have

sex during that right no way and it's

not as simple as picking one procedure

over the other IVF while effective is

very expensive insurance usually refuses

to pay unless you've gone through three

rounds of Clomid and IUI oh how

expensive is expensive like ballpark

ballark talking

25 25 2500 that's 25,000

okay so if we wanted to do IVF right now

we'd have to pay out of

pocket okay all right Mr mumbles what's

going on I just you know I mean 6 months

without sex $25,000 no beer what are you

a in college I have to drink beer it's

part of my business are you a

professional booze bag now sex is have

to do anything during this no you don't

have to do anything I got to do all the

work all you have to do is just jack off

into a jarck a jar jack off into a jar

like it's that easy it is that easy just

[ __ ] listen to me mhm I'm not just

some run-of-the-mill doctor here to give

you the means to an

end think of me as an emancipator I

invade the male and female reproductive

organs liberating children into the

world I'm very good at what I do but the

one thing I can tell you for certain A

House Divided cannot

stand if this works we'll have a

baby

[Music]

okay let's do it did you guys rob a

pharmacy

proa

Clin

elol and tox txin exactly tamoxifen okay

all right who me good she's your wife

you're the strongest you got to get

through this h you think you can handle

this yes I just as long as I don't see

the needle I am good to

go just don't tell me when you're going

to do it just do it no tell me when

you're going to do it don't tell me when

you're going to do it don't oh yeah

there it is I did it yeah no I know it's

good you're doing good thank

you it's worth it it's worth it it's

worth it it's worth it Katie yeah your

mother's here what what the hell is she

doing here ah farts I told her that I

would look at a mole on her back

okay why are we freaking out though

because um she cannot see any of this

this is a sinim what's a sin the church

only condones procedures that assist

conception yeah it's got to be it's got

to be natural yeah what about the IUI no

IUI is okay no it's not yeah yeah yeah

Vatican

says

anybody hi

hi hi what's going

on

why

hello hello hello hello no no no no

okay

in hi Hi listen I just wanted to

apologize for jumping down your throat

the other day oh no that was sometimes

my mama bear instincts come out and

watch out you know what I mean well you

will if you ever have kids but I do want

to make it up to you you know it's funny

you say that um about the kids thing

because my husband and I are about to

start a round of IUI we've been trying

to get pregnant for a really long time

hasn't really been going our way so

we're going to do this I don't know why

I'm telling you all this when I get

nervous I tend to blather a little bit

and okay great story Katie thank you the

reason I called you in is because the

executive level wants to hear more about

those vendor discounts what really that

would be the breast best I need you to

make a complete presentation on it the

sea level they're hearing good things

about you and this is your chance to

prove what you were made of if you're up

for it oh my God I'm pumped Katie look

at me I need you to focus here normally

this is something that I would take on

for myself but with jimothy starting

montauri and Higgins is just like flying

back and forth to Vienna for her

recitals and I just have no time and

because you don't have kids I just

thought that you know maybe you would

have the bandwidth to do a decent

job right yeah oh and good luck with the

whole IUI think

yeah okay Mama

Bear so

anyway just give you some privacy oh no

you can leave that open it's fine really

yeah okay thank

you Dr Remis hey Dr Remis it's John

Kelly what can I help you with John well

um I think Katie might be experiencing

some side effects from the drugs you

prescribed her what sort of side effects

like she threatened to leave me if I

didn't stop overloading the dishwasher

kind of side effects that's a Clomid it

can trigger mood swings any ertic

Behavior

what you could say that don't look at me

infected these chemicals can best be

described as PMS on steroids eventually

your chemistry is going to balance out

it's just going to take some time all

right whatever you say doc thank you

John I need you to go to the store and I

need you to get me a pressure washer a

pressure washer press

yeah okay I'm going to go yeah you're

going to go cuz I asked you

[Music]

oh you're a pirate and you're on your

vessel and it's full steam ah head to

fertile

oiland I've got a good feeling about

[Music]

this

you roll up in your Camaro and you're

wearing a top hat a and I'm wearing a

wedding dress even though it's

promt oh

oh just one second are you serious no no

I'm not busy I've got a great feeling

about

[Music]

this

[Music]

the spinning is making me dizzy we have

others that need this room please hurry

you know what we need the

room this is the one I just know

[Music]

it look at it this way at least now you

could try IVF right oh God no I don't

think I

can um do we like this angle yeah just

kind of shows what it can do

sexy great yeah I don't think that I can

do any more of those treatments I just

don't think like physically or

emotionally my body can take it I need

to apologize to you for what I thought

you not getting pregnant was just

something in your head oh no don't

please I I can't expect you to

understand and I mean kids came easy for

you too

easy H but I got to say being a parent

to those kids is somehow the hardest and

the most wonderful thing we'll ever do

what I'm saying is that what you're

trying for is

good and I'm going to do anything I can

to help you get

there thank you still not going to take

dougy

[Applause]

I don't suppose you're into this but

have you ever thought of

alternative methods I feel like I've

tried everything what about Quantum

healing H the boss's home we're in here

does he really call himself the boss

like

no I don't

know what's up Katie Where Have You Been

Gordon wow I was just sparring at the

dojo with sefue Kevin is that your what

are what are you showing us what is that

this oh my tries where are the kids

watching TV oh doing uh doing some

karate huh no kitty I'm not doing karate

I'm studying the ancient Chinese art of

kung fu I did Karate as a kid was a blue

belt really yeah I could like break

boards and not it's easy Gordon's a

white boat well everyone knows the

colors are different in kung fu and Kate

so do they cuz I don't I don't know if

that's I feel like White's still pretty

much like the lowest you know what kung

fu is way more badass so white belt and

kung fu is like a blue belt and karate

ah but can you break a board I could

probably break like six boards what are

you guys doing on my scope lab I'm going

to sell this hunk of [ __ ] online and I'm

helping by modeling yes no I use that

you never use this thing it's covered in

dust what do you how do you think I get

this man be nachos when was the last

time you Ed that seriously give me a

date okay I'm going to get my exercise

Journal I'm going to show you check that

out so Quantum what is it healing yeah

right after I had the baby I started

getting these terrible panic attacks you

never told me that I was almost

catatonic I could barely get out of bed

my doctor was no help so my yoga

instructor put me in touch with this

holistic healer and it helped like you

wouldn't believe I know it sounds crazy

but it changed my life so you think he

could help me get pregnant it can't hurt

to try

right um but I have to warn you he's a

little weird weird how it's hard to

explain

honey how would you describe

Caesar oh that holistic guy yeah yeah

he's a [ __ ] creep it's perfect for

Katie

Bel is he a white

belt Namaste are you currently

experiencing physical mental or

spiritual anguish how about lower back

pain IBS or Suicidal Thoughts have you

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healing

oh you got to be [ __ ] kidding me okay

can you please try to keep an open mind

keep an open

mind society's polite way of saying get

ready to hear some serious

[Music]

[ __ ] what is he doing I don't

hi I'm I'm I'm Katie this is John and I

just I don't think that he's should I

just damn it I was this close to Total

Enlightenment and then you came in I'm

so sorry I didn't know you were in a

thing I didn't we didn't I'm so

sorry you'll be pleased to know I was

joking uhhuh you actually can't break my

concentration it's impossible about 2

years ago I was lost in the deserts of

New Mexico I found my way out by taking

handful after handful of peyote uhhuh I

rode the snake all the way back to

civilization when they found me I was

naked running through a turquoise

jewelry market in tahos WoW ever since

then I've been living in an inescapable

state of total

awareness oh how fun for you so I

imagine you're here for the weight loss

program the what what no no no sorry I

was just looking at your thighs oh no

I'm no skin Rejuvenation no do you wait

do you do that here we're here because

we're trying to get pregnant yes we

really want to have a baby ah

Kudos oh I didn't know there was a

liquid U and

Q oh feeling your energy feel

away you're ovulating I don't okay when

strippers ovulate they make more money

at the strip club because of the

pheromones they're giving off isn't that

interesting do you think I'm a stripper

so if you're a stripper right now at a

strip club you'd be making it rain

hardcore you'd be covered in cash good

to know covered in cash okay

uh-huh that's the good news is I can get

you pregnant oh really yeah you can get

us pregnant right but first I have to

get inside you oh excuse me okay I mean

herbally right yes of course of course

herbally herbally he needs to herbly be

inside me okay it'll be easy so long as

you haven't done any fertility

treatments

let me

guess you went to some fertility

specialist who put you on a grueling

3month program of poisonous hormones and

invasive treatments and then when that

didn't work because it never works yeah

that's not exactly how it they sold you

on some pie in the sky in vitro

treatment right am I

right have you ever thought for even one

moment that they don't want you to get

healthy they want to keep you sick so

they can make that filthy luer it's all

about the cash baby you stay sick they

get rich think about it who would ever

suggest to anyone that you can have a

baby without having sex yeah yes exactly

that's what they did right they told you

not to Bone they told us not to Bone for

like a month to 6 months I want you to

Bone I want you to slam are you hearing

this I want you to smash Jackhammer

Jackhammer nobody likes that that's too

fast nobody likes that you got a bone

down all night long to the break of

goddamn Dawn I feel like I'm going to be

in a lot of I feel I'll be very sore no

ideally yes oh you need to start a detox

program Ju Just her or both of us it's

for both of you yes Tabby get in here

Tabby Tabby this this a cat we also need

to get you started on an FR FRP I'm

sorry what now fertility revitalization

program it's an allnatural GMO free

virility remedy it's kind of like the

dick pills you can get at a truck stop

if the truck stop was in ancient China

okay um and what does the package

include just the basics Nano acupressure

Wellness Formula a lunar fornication

calendar I'm sorry what was that last

part it's a calendar based on the cycles

of the Moon that tells you exactly when

you need to [ __ ] yes I like that a lot

you guys are going to love this part

it's an app sounds an alarm when it's

time to

smash

I'm in we're in can you the alarm take

our money that gets you going that's

that gets me going we going have a lunar

you know

calendar I have a lunar calendar every

woman does but that's fine oh hello

Tabby be a lamb and please set these two

Souls up with a two we supply of

Caesar's detoxifying tea

blend wrong way thank you T

oh thank

you is she okay

[Music]

yeah M okay okay

oh my

god oh it's like like a little bit lumpy

yeah I lied it's terrible it's a little

bit lumpy going

down

[Music]

tby

[Music]

yeah something

[Music]

wrong John John oh where' you

go impetus use hopart dad those are 500y

old German beer laws who cares titty

bananza it's a real show Stu filthy Lu

sperm count SL loud pipes save

[Music]

lives thank you

Kinder she's beautiful

built like

John thank

you love

her let me tell you a little story after

the first day of fighting at the Battle

of Shiloh Bill T Sherman saw General

Grant sitting under tree contemplating

the devastating losses of the day German

said to his friend well Grant we've had

the devil's own day haven't we Grant

concurred and said Lick him tomorrow

though M the next day Grant routed the

enemy and

won do you know what he did to

win well I'll tell you what he didn't do

he didn't go on a Magical Mystery Tour

with a goddamn witch doctor that's what

he didn't do he won because he didn't

have the option to lose he had that fire

within him and Superior artillery on his

right flank but a fire just the same

it's that fire that desire to win that I

need from you do you know why IUI didn't

work for you uh poor egg quality bad

Fallopian tubes poor sperm no John tell

her why cuz we didn't have that fire

dingo now I know you've had a rough go

of it years of passionless manual

conception followed by three rounds of

IUI is enough to make anybody want to

quit I know that's what you're thinking

let's quit we weren't meant to have a

baby but we need to rise above that we

need that fire I'm going to ask you a

question right now are you ready for

initro

fertilization yeah ready God damn it

I'll give you everything I've got but if

you're not willing to give me everything

you've got then I'll climb the steps to

aromatics and I'll surrender right now

I'm going to ask you again

are you ready for invitro fertilization

yes ready to go you have the fire within

you are you ready to procreate yes I'm

On Fire

[Music]

on

[Music]

father Callahan how are you hey hey

what's up what do you got there what

cake cake I got cake that's right oh you

want me to take it no no no no I got it

I'm just going to put it in the kitchen

special cake I guess okay why you acting

weird shut up

okay I need to have sex right now what

is oh my sex right now God you need to

put that thing away that is going to

hurt somebody okay okay no no no stop it

this is a child's first communion party

oh who cares I don't care about them

let's go upstairs really fast I can be

really fast I know you can I'm fully

aware it'll be fast but I no we can't we

can't we can't I just started a whole

new round of drugs for the IVF my body

is way too volatile to handle all of

that one time won't hurt right one time

just one quick time don't make me be the

bad guy here I will give you oh wow 20

40 5 5 56 57 $57 I will give you $57 in

a receipt if you have sex with me right

now please you can go get a Manny petty

you're going to pay your wife for sex

that's just that's a whole other level

of Wrong Turn on right you need to go

upstairs you need to get changed I'm

sorry I'm sorry just go get rid of that

okay all right but it's going to take me

a little time cuz I have to unload the

weapon all right just fire off a couple

rounds I'm going to fire it off okay I'm

going to head it everywhere

oh he

guys

[Applause]

man

okay what happened to the music h

it's got to be John how is this

happening it's this is this is not what

you think it it sounds a lot do

something no you better grab that child

right kid s come here come here come

here cover those

ears John John everyone can hear you

jacking

off well if you drove across the lawn

then you have to pay for

damages yeah that's kind of how it works

because you drove across the lawn which

means

you I can't you know what I got to go

mom I got to

go WTF is Right Katie have you talked to

the insurance company yeah of course I

mean we're over our limit any other

infertility treatments will be out of

pocket but they wanted us to do the IUI

first we wanted to go straight to the

IVF remember I know I know I I I don't

know what to tell you well that's it no

IVF for us what why where are we going

to get $330,000 from we could use the

brewery money you're

kidding that would set me back here I'd

have to start all over again well you

could ask your brother bam problem

solved I can't you mean you won't he has

the money and he wants to help it's too

much to ask of him he's got his family

he's got his job I can't I can't ask we

are so close we've scheduled the

retrieval then cancel it why can't you

compromise on this do you do you want a

baby or not we've been saving that money

for years I don't want to roll the dice

with it oh my God we're not rolling the

dice we're not gambling we're having

we're having a baby what if it doesn't

work it will you don't know that what if

the IVF fails then what we're out the 30

grand and then we have to start all over

again have you even considered that oh

my God you're being such a dehe head you

know the brewery is not a sure thing

either oh hey you know what I just

thought of a great name for your IPA how

about my husband is a selfish prick who

only cares about himself IPA that sounds

really good I actually like that name

but it won't sell as well as my wife is

completely irrational and financially

Reckless pale H well how about this you

should call your pser my husband is a

massive de hole who never falls through

his promises that's the one that's the

one I like that better you know what I'm

going to get that started right now yeah

well don't forget the Hop

oil okay

okay

oh hi I'm your driver I need you to take

me to the hospital oh my gosh are you

okay holy [ __ ] this is so much pain are

you in Labor oh are you [ __ ]

detective congratulations you know my

wife and I we shut up just take me to

the hospital I'm going to lose my window

to get an epidural give me you want me

to take the freeways or or side streets

let's drive [ __ ] face side streets it is

go in the go why are the bels like this

pull it it too fast you need to just

pull it slowly and then it'll okay I'm

getting it on

now um are you hungry I have a half

eaten protein bar up here maybe an

Altoid I have Altoids no I need you to

pull over pull over I thought you wanted

me to take you to the hospital going I

have another contraction your driving is

making it work well I'm sorry I can't

pull over it's in the middle of an

intersection stop the car or I will

choke you out with your seat belt oh

[ __ ] oh God running eyes again in

another are you okay yeah you're

good okay okay we got to get you to the

hospital hold on to your

[ __ ] everybody make way woman in labor

coming through honey oh are you okay who

is this guy my husband Brad oh well

thanks for showing up Brad are you okay

how do you feel like I'm going to

explode your wife's contractions are 5

minutes apart we need to preer for

anesthesia nurse anesthesia you mean

like an epidural look Brad I know it

wasn't part of the birth plan but your

wife wants the juice and I'm going to

make sure she gets it nurse are you the

doctor stop Brad stand back she's having

another contraction okay listen you

breathe okay listen thank you for

getting me here but we have it are you

sure yeah you want me to be with you I

I'll stay with you the whole way I don't

I think that's appropriate yeah okay all

right I got to have a baby now okay who

are you I'm the driver yeah he's the

driver all right we're having a baby

yeah I really like the names Blaze and

Plum I like plom I don't like

[Music]

Blaze have something to show you come on

I'm not a fan of not being in control

I have a surprise for you ready

mhm what's that what's does it look like

it's a crib took me almost 3 hours to

put this

together I want to do

IVF no well what about the brewery I'll

save more money I want to have a baby

all right but what if it doesn't work

what it will work Katie it's going to

work no matter what we're going to make

it

work

it's a pretty sweet

crib yeah took me almost 7 hours to put

this together that doesn't match what

you said

earlier now we just have to fill

[Music]

it let me ask you something did you and

Maria ever have problems getting

pregnant when you first started out no

no we had the exact opposite problem I

mean look first kid Bliss second kid

game changer and then we had um the

third one Lisa yeah I wept tears of joy

fear I had a massive anxiety attack I'll

tell you this I'm never going camping

again it's just so weird I mean we're

trying all these things and nothing's

working and I'm pumping Katie up with

all these drugs like she's some

racehorse I'm sorry

man I'm sorry you're going through that

I

look I'm going to tell you something

somebody told me a long time

ago you take the

good you take the

bad you take it all and there you have

The Facts of Life Is that the theme song

to The Facts of Life no that could be

the worst advice I've ever gotten we're

giving you a grandchild Mom that's what

you want but not like this a life isn't

something that that that should be

ordered a catalog like a sweater those

treatments they dehumanize life it's not

like that Mom a life is something that

you earn everyone even the best of us

has to earn that this is why we didn't

want to tell you because somehow you

have managed to make creating a life

something I should be ashamed of why

can't you two just have normal sex like

everybody else honey nothing in life is

fair okay and sometimes we just have to

realize we're not going to get what we

want and we accept in order to move

forward what are you saying I am saying

that maybe right now you are not meant

to have kids yeah I'm actually not

looking for your approval so you can

either hop on board or you can just

leave us the hell

alone

honey

good morning morning tiger you ready to

be a

father you want this now no what I need

you to do is I need you to fill it up

and bring it to the hospital 11:00

a.m. why the hospital well because Remis

has to physically remove my eggs and

implant your sperm directly into them

sounds sexy I mean it's technically a

surgical procedures soon it's got to be

done at the hospital I got it 11:00 a.m.

no no no okay that's not all that's not

all you can't honey you can't even be a

second late with the specimen why well

because then we're going to have to

reschedule for next week and we do not

have the money to do

that okay great so no

pressure all right 11:00 a.m. hospital

I'll be there

okay hey babe I'm checking into the

hospital are you Clos oh baby you don't

have to worry about me I am currently in

route that's wonderful even had time to

pick up a

passenger you picked up a passenger oh

yeah take him to the hospital see his

mother grandmother oh grandmother do you

have your specimen you know I do great

oh hey did you remember not to use any

lube what you can't use any lube

remember it contaminates the entire

sample you used Lube didn't you no

I yes [ __ ] John you're going to need to

produce another sample oh come on you

want me to go again what am I 17 John

we're going to need a new sample you

have 37 minutes handle it okay do you

hear what I said Handle by

bye hey I'm going to have to make a

really quick stop it's going to be about

5 10 minutes be really fast all right so

you just sit tight can play with the

radio if you want uh leave the engine

running and I'll be right back okay but

um but

what

[Music]

do you have a

bathroom

oh oh my

god there he is that's the Pig right

there he was

[Music]

masturbating no no no you got it all

wrong don't

resist it it's not what you

think hi hi how you feeling how you

doing good thank you do you feel

comfortable do you feel anxious a little

nervous maybe I what I like to do is I

take deep breaths you know when I feel

anxious I can tell your eyes are kind of

darting back and forth and stuff that's

not going to make a baby oh okay thank

you know visualization helps a lot let's

make you look real pretty for the doctor

okay all right you feeling good y okay

good is my husband here

no oh officer officer this is a it's a

really a a misunderstanding a big boy

like you should have filled up that jar

you guys today grab that uh bottle

please diets what are you vegan he'll be

here he's sure mhm okay I'm sure he

will well I can't blame you for trying

to run can't imagine this is going to be

an easy thing to explain to the wife

officer I am so sorry that I ran but you

you have to listen to me I have to get

to the hospital you know most cops hate

it when perss run but I actually like it

I encourage it I enjoy that brisk Cardio

Blast of a foot race there's nothing

like it sir you have to let me go when

I'm in the vehicle sometimes I do

isometrics I'm always on off on off on

off like two 300 of them this is just a

huge misunderstanding my legs are super

strong it's genetics or something I

don't know the Irish or the Scots and me

I need do one of those you know those

DNA tests where you swab yourself you

send in for $99 and you see what happens

but that gets weird because the test

comes back I don't know what you're

Native American then you go out you got

to buy all new clothes and stuff the

doctor was going to use that sample to

fertilize my wife's

eggs wait a minute you tell them right

here this is for what uh fertility

treatment yes yes that's exactly what

I'm saying is it IUI or is inv vitro

IVF huh did your insurance company make

you go through three rounds of IUI

before the IVF yeah because I'm telling

you right now my wife and I were on the

phone for hours and hours hell I was

going to fly down to Costa Rica get a

kid put it in a box and then bring it

back here which is weird and probably

wrong but sir sir I don't want to be

rude huh but the life of my potential

child is sitting on your dashboard and

if I am not at the hospital in the next

7 Minutes All Is

Lost well son I got some news for you

the hospital's 15 minutes away

all right hold on to your [ __ ] I'll get

you there

[Music]

F thank you

sir yeah yeah

okay oh come

on hey qu coming through hi hi I'm John

Kelly this is my

Seaman sorry Mr Kelly you're too

late what mhm Mr P about two minutes no

[Laughter]

no I'm just kidding you

f look at your face he was

like where's my wife oh they putting her

under right now I I want to be with her

oh we have to wait here the doctor be

out with you when he's done it won't be

too

[Music]

long john doctor how is she is

everything okay we need to

talk is something wrong have a

seat I have some hard things to tell you

and I'm not going to sugarcoat it for

you what is it what's the matter it's

about your

IPA what my wife and I had the pleasure

of indulging in the beer sample you sent

over you're truly an artist John thank

you but how how's I don't normally enjoy

a wheat beer but that heisen was a true

Delight it was apple crisp that's

wonderful but how is Katie the surgery

is she okay oh that couldn't have gone

smoother she's vibrant and strong as

ever oh thank God wish I could say the

same about your India Pale L it lacked

the customary boldness I've come to

expect in an IPA we as it kittens meow

noted anyway Katie's eggs have been sent

to the lab for fertilization once

they're ready we'll bring her back in

and plant them in her uterus shouldn't

take more than a couple days in the

meantime you should consider using a

more potent hop

oil there's there's um there's laws that

that I don't use a hop on add that hop

make it pop

baby

tell me something good Katie we're ready

for you John why don't you wait outside

no I'm going to stay with Katie won't be

long have a seat in the lobby

doctor I'm not going to leave Katy's

side I'm going to stay with her very

well Mr killing don't you gown

up

[Music]

okay here you

go how long till we get the results just

a couple of minutes the doctor will tell

you in his office fingers

cross

[Music]

thanks

[Music]

you haven't really said me since we left

reis's office taste

it oh my God that is so good you did it

a West Coast IPA

that's what everybody

likes and I got to admit it's pretty

good you should be really proud you

worked hard we should

celebrate we can save more money oh God

I don't want to talk about that

now okay you're upset no I'm not upset

I'm just I'm

just I'm

disappointed well in in

me no not not in you in the

situation what does that mean look I

just had everything taken away from me

that I've been working for for all these

years I think I'm allowed to be

disappointed right and it's my fault you

think it's my fault I didn't want to do

this I didn't want to take all of our

money and put it

in

whatever you know what [ __ ] it okay you

can't do this because we both chose we

both chose this okay you're right you're

absolutely right and I want to have kids

I I I do but didn't know that having

babies with you meant not having sex

with you or it meant getting hand jobs

in Trent Reser's kill room or taking

masculine or getting [ __ ] arrested no

I don't believe any of this because you

know what you actually never cared about

having all you cared about now you're

you're you're trying to make me feel

like [ __ ] okay you keep telling yourself

that it's true I have had to drag you

through every step of this and now

you're just using your dumb brewery as

something to make me I don't know

somehow I'm wrong now you know what I'm

really happy that this all happened

happen because I learned something about

myself what that you're a shitty [ __ ]

beer maker no that I can't be with a

woman who can't have

kids

Katie please let me

in hey I need you to come pick me up

hey little bro how you

doing yeah never been better yeah looks

like it supposed to be wearing boxers it

doesn't matter anymore hey you want to

play some ping pong no no I'm good uh

listen Marie and I have some people

coming over new CFO from

work love to get you to come inside

clean you up a little bit

you're ashamed of me I could never be

ashamed of you bro Maria is ashamed of

you but you're fine tell him to put his

pant well I'm ashamed of myself I've

said things that cannot be unsaid that's

not true everything can be unid it

doesn't make any sense I know why don't

we get you inside and clean you up I'm

bringing them

inside

sorry I'll be I'll be right down all

right bring your

paddle WHYY Pig

Po and I put baby corn baby carrots baby

peachs baby potatoes and he was like

this is the strangest dinner I've ever

had and I said darling I have something

to tell you hey oh what's uh what's all

this I'm

pregnant we weren't even trying it just

happened can you believe

it [ __ ] you and your [ __ ] fle

face aren't you happy for me Katie I

have never been more happy than I am in

this moment right now so it's so great

if it's a boy we're thinking that we're

going to name him brendo and if it's a

girl tal so cute yeah t tal like the

powder tal like tal powder it's spelled

the same way but um but it actually

means song in Portuguese I think

[Applause]

oh I don't want to

fight bad timing

maom Johnny told me what

happened yeah well you were right I'm

not uh not meant to have kids no I'm

sorry I said that I I just I want you to

know honey that I I really do understand

the pain that you're going through no

you don't know how I feel you have no

idea yeah I do Katie I mean after Dad

and I got married we tried forever I

mean God it was it was years to get

pregnant right but that was different

because Dad wanted to wait till he was

out of the service to have kid no no

that is what we told people but it

wasn't the truth okay we tried for years

before you came along and it was really

hard on I mean it tore us apart

I don't know what to do I don't I don't

want to feel like

this I know I'm

[Music]

sorry you know I love you so much and I

and I'll always be

here you going to kick it no just warm

it up you are going to kick it nope you

can't get higher than here I'm not

kicking it man Gordon stop what are you

doing oh hey Maria if you got your

camera phone just in time to watch me

break this board you're going to break

your hand not going to punch it it's not

going to punch it it's way too thick to

punch I'm going to use my forehead

titanium yeah it's forehead no no no

stop trying to kill yourself you dumbass

listen to me you're a great dad you're a

great husband you have three healthy

kids a great wife that loves you you

have everything a man could ever ask for

and you're taking it for granted

Maria I hear what you're saying you're

an amazing wife and wonderful mother

kids love you and I love them to death I

love you to death which is why I need

you to move out of the way let me break

this board with my fist okay all right

wait wait

wait if I let you do that will you take

back that stupid bike okay fine if you

guys don't want me to have a bike I

don't care I'm doing

this go for

it g up

you talking

about told you I could do it who looks

stupid now not

me I'm going to get you new

ice John you need anything no I'm good

thanks I'm going to take off pretty soon

oh you leaving yeah I got to go

home beg Katie for

forgiveness that's a good idea

I'll see you later

man hey

um I'm looking for a

partner someone with a keen business

sense somebody that's going to help me

get this Brewery off the ground so if

you know anybody can you uh let me

know see where you're going yeah I think

I do know somebody and I think he's

available good have give me a call all

right I will do that and you know Mar is

right you are a lucky

guy makes two of

us all

[Music]

right

[Music]

we never

uh we never

discussed

cobra

thought it'd be cool if a boy was named

Cobra or a

girl

Katie I am so

sorry I did not mean any of those things

I said I am so sorry I didn't either I

want you to understand

something I'm okay if it doesn't happen

for us you don't mean that yes I do

baby or no baby it does not matter if I

don't have

you okay we need to we need to make a

rule like a law a law that we never let

this come between us again yeah

absolutely and then the penalty is what

like like 5 to 10 5 to 10 years like in

the hole in the hole with no possibility

of parole

[Music]

yeah tell me something

good I want to keep

trying I want to keep

[Music]

trying

hey Jeff I still need that light bulb

fixed in the office uhhuh Coleman can

you help him with that he doesn't know

anything about lighting got it probably

like that I'm oh do you want your own

this is mine I get you one put this in

the fridge for me are you serving the

beer or are you drinking all drinking

you have a customer what is this I don't

do this hey going I get you oh I'm sorry

1

second hey where are you we're busy as

hell and I need to help getting a

shipment out

I'm going to release you because I

really believe that God God John I'm

dying she's not dying what is going

on it could be malaria it could be

denter we're not we're not sure she's

got a mild case of diarrhea hey hey if

this is it you go on without me okay

maybe you don't get remarried maybe you

just get like a a studio in like van

eyes or something be a lone wolf out on

the Range you just roam so go ahead and

give her some kopc dat and she should be

fine by the morning better wait wait

wait wait wait wait I don't ever have

digestive issues something something's

really wrong that's true she can eat

like a

goat honey do you hear that man

screaming he's got a magician's Dart

stuck in his eyeball and he really needs

this room but why is this happening to

me I don't know sweetheart maybe you're

pregnant

Che okay here here take one more just do

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both are you

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okay

okay we have to we have to promise that

no matter what this result is that we

can no absolutely we can never do that

to each other

again something's coming up in yeah M

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too

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