All language subtitles for Doors.Open.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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[FANS CHEERING]

Oh, what did you do that for?

-[WHISTLE BLOWS]
-[ALL GROANING]

[HUMS]

ROBERT: This piece,
called simply

The Card Players,
Les Joueurs de cartes,

is currently
the most expensive painting
in the world.

[CHEERING]

It shows us two peasants,

simple men of Provence,
playing cards.

The table is bare
because they can't even afford
to play for money.

And yet this piece

is rumoured recently
to have been sold

for more than $250 million.

So, what do you wanna do?
Do you wanna come
to this art thing

or you are gonna
have to go home to Margot?

Would you rather
I wasn't there?

I mean, I don't wanna
cramp your style.

You're not gonna
cramp my style.

That's why
I asked you to come.

-Why would you cramp my style?
-Well, you're not there
for the art, are you?

-Yes, I am.
-No! You're not.

It's a damning indictment

on the way we measure art
in today's world

that we focus
more on the price

than on the art itself,

on the beauty before us.

ALLAN: It's all a bit
pretentious, isn't it?

No, that's because you
don't understand it.

-I do understand it.
-Really?

What's your
favourite painting?

What's my favourite painting?

It's a simple question.
What's your
favourite painting?

CHARLIE: McKenzie!

Mike!

Charlie Calloway.

-How's it going?
-Not so bad.

-Looking good!
-Nice to see you, Charlie.

Aye, you, too! I hear you're
doing all right for yourself.

-What is it, computers?
-Yeah, something like that.
Yeah.

-I'm into property myself.
-MIKE: Oh, yeah?

100% legit.

I've got a stoating
big office block.

If either of you two gents
are interested.

You boys want a wee Babycham?
Get 'em a wee Babycham.

Oh, we've gotta be
somewhere, Charlie.

MIKE: Next time.

Aye.

Nice to see you.

CHARLIE: Aye.

That's all for today.

Lovely to see you.

-Hello, Mike.
-Hey, Laura.

-Want to tell me about this?
-LAURA: It's oil on wood,
painted in 1895.

It's the artist's wife.
She was his model first
and then they got married.

It's definitely got something.

Yeah.

But it's not his most polished
work technically speaking.

You see this smudge here?

He's brushed it with his hand

when he was working
on the face or the eyes.

-It adds depth to it.
-LAURA: Hmm.

-Do you like it?
-LAURA: Yes, I do.

I love it.

ROBERT: Ah, there you are.

Guess who I found
tucking into the free booze.

-I wonder.
-Professor.

-I was getting one for Mike.
[CHUCKLES]
-Of course you were.

Allan Cruickshank,
Laura Stanton.

-How do you do.
-Nice to meet you, Allan.

-Anything caught your eye?
-Oh, there was
an Archibald Peddie

that I rather fancied.
What about you, Mike?
Anything here strike you?

The Monboddo's worth a look.

ROBERT: Monboddo, really?

Oh, that's interesting.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Back of the net, Mike.

LAURA: Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

I've had a lot of
interest in this lot

and I can start the bidding
at £20,000.

I open up at £20,000.

Thank you,
gentleman in the front.
£20,000.

Do I have £22,000?

Good man, £22,000.
Do I have 24?

Any more interest at £30,000,
ladies and gentlemen?

£32,000, new bidder
to my left.
Thank you. £32,000.

The bid is at £32,000. 34?
The bid is at
£40,000 in the room.

Any more interest at £40,000?
On the phones, thank you,
£45,000.

Just got interesting,
ladies and gentlemen.

We have £45,000 on the phone.
Do we have 50?

Do I have £50,000? Thank you.

£50,000 in the room,
ladies and gentlemen.

The bid is at £50,000.
Do I have 55?

£70,000 in the room,
ladies and gentlemen.

Do I have any more interest
at £70,000? Do I have 75,000?

The bid is at
£70,000 in the room.

Do I have any more interest
at £70,000?

Fair warning on £70,000.

Is that as far
as we go, £70,000?

-[GAVEL BANGS]
-Sold to the gentleman
on my left for £70,000.

[APPLAUSE]

The Monboddo's yours.
It's a gift.

[CHUCKLES]

I can't.

Why?

Because it's against
the rules.

Move in.

Then you can see it every day.

[LAUGHS]

WOMAN ON RADIO:
"...a familiar sight on
Edinburgh's famous skyline."

But like many
other landmark banks
in the city,

First Cally seems
to be feeling

the pressure
of the credit crunch

with several jobs
rumoured to be under threat.

Meanwhile, it was officially
confirmed yesterday

that local company
McKenzie Electronics is being

bought out by a Japanese
components company.

"Edinburgh
entrepreneur and millionaire

"Mike McKenzie was upbeat
about the sale."

MIKE: Opportunities like this
don't come along very often.

So, it seemed like
the right time
to sell up and move on.

ALLAN: Look, Margot,
you know how
things are around here.

There's just not gonna be
those kind of bonuses.

The school fees are killing me
as it is!

I've gotta go.
I'll call you back.
Yeah, I promise.

-Allan Cruickshank?
-That's right.

They...
We would like to see you
upstairs in human resources.

Right. Okay.
Er, just check the old diary.

Erm, you've been scheduled
for 2:15 tomorrow.

2:15?

Well, you must run
a very tight ship up
in human resources.

Yes, we're very busy with
all the staff reviews.

Thanks.

[HUMS]

-Good morning, Martin.
-MARTIN: Morning, professor.

There's somebody
waiting for you,
by the way.

I sent him down to the vault.

He's from the bank.
Brand new Mercedes.
Top of the range.

[HUMS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[HUMS] Hello, darlings.

I'm very sorry, I don't think
I've had the pleasure.

-Professor Gissing, I presume.
-Yes.

Bruce Cameron
from Cameron Fine Arts.

I've actually left you
several messages.

Yes, well,
I don't deal directly
with galleries.

Ah, well, you see,
we're not a gallery, we're...

Consultants...

-As I think you know.
-How thrilling.

Yes. Well, erm...

Well, I must say,
this is a splendid collection.

How long have you been helping
the bank acquire these works?

Erm,
the best part of 25 years.

The old chairman at
First Caledonian
was most particular

that we selected the very
finest Scottish works

and we rotate
our selection carefully

from branch to branch
of the bank.

There's a whole
nation's history here.

Kept in trust for the Scottish
people by a Scottish bank.

BRUCE: So, tell me,
how is the

inventory coming along?

The inventory is coming along
rather slowly, alas.

Ah.

I see no-one's
actually spoken to you.

Spoken to me?

[SIGHS] Erm...

The bank want to move
rather more swiftly,
I'm afraid.

We have been brought in
to evaluate the collection,

to make an analysis and to
advise on the best possible

strategic approach before
taking it to market.

To market?

As quickly as possible.

I was told this
collection is safe.

I was given
personal assurances
by Sir Ian.

I... This is a disgrace!

-I can under...
-This... This collection
is unique!

Yes, believe me, I understand
how you must feel...

Oh... I don't think you do.

[SIGHS] As a matter of fact,
it's one of the reasons
why I...

I have chosen to bring
in Miss Stanton

to help manage the transition.

I believe that you and she
are old friends.

Laura?

MIKE: My Laura?

I can't believe
Laura would do that to you,
I really can't.

Well, she has. She's done it.

A stab in the back,
it really is.

-Have you spoken to her?
-I haven't had the chance.

She's already
on her way up here.

It's a fait accompli.

Sorry, sorry I'm late.
Bloody horrible day at work.

Ah, I see you've started
without me. [SIGHS]

What's going on?
Has somebody died?

Robert here has
just been sacked.

-What, by the art college?
-No, Allan, by your bank.

-What do you mean?
-I mean they're gonna destroy
my collection,

break it up and flog it off
as if it's so much junk.

ALLAN: Oh, I'm sorry, Robert.

Although, it's not like it was
your full-time job.

And technically,
those paintings are
their property.

I warn you, Allan,
I'm not in the mood.

It's the new CEO.
He's on a mission.

Whole floors of
people are being sacked.

I mean, nobody tells you
anything of course.
It's all done by stealth.

You'll be all right, though.

Well, I hope so. I have
a meeting with human resources
tomorrow afternoon.

-You haven't put a foot wrong,
have you?
-ALLAN: No. Not in 20 years.

Anyway, enough of this
doom and gloom.

You've just sold
your company, Mike.

We should be celebrating.

Yeah.

Laura is back.

She's in charge of
selling the collection.

Bloody hell.

I am still here.

Drink?

Drink, yeah. I'll get them.

Three more of these, please.

Twenty-five years it's taken
me to put that collection
together! Twenty-five years!

And each picture chosen
not just on its merit
but as part of a...

Kind of Scottish
symphonic ensemble, you know?

I'm sorry. I know how much
that collection meant to you.

ROBERT: Well,
they are not gonna
get away with it!

ALLAN: I just don't see
what you can do about it.

To be honest,
I have seen this day coming.

It's a little sooner
than I anticipated,
but that doesn't matter.

I have it all planned.

I'm gonna need your help.

Help? With what?

I have chosen
one or two pictures
that are close to my heart.

Cadell, Cameron,
nothing too ostentatious.

You know them, Mike.

-Yeah.
-ROBERT: Well...

I believe we can remove them
without too much trouble.

-Remove? You mean steal?
-ROBERT: No.

I don't mean steal!
I mean liberate.

-What, in a heist?
-Like the Italian Job?

If you like.
Only less Italian.

ALLAN: I can't quite
see you in a Mini, Robert.

-Can you, Mike?
-Oh, bugger it.

Allan, what hotel
do the bank put people up in?

What?

Which... Oh, never mind.
It'll probably be
the Sheraton.

Please, Mike, don't, don't...

Hello.
Er, can you do me a favour?

Can you see if there's
a Laura Stanton staying here?

[DISTANT LAUGHTER]

So, that's... That's agreed.

You, me and Mike
are going to lubricate...

We're going to liberate
those paintings, yes?

[MUMBLING]

[SOFTLY]
So... Shh, don't tell anybody.

It's gonna be the crime
of the century. Shh.

ROBERT: We can do it!

Yeah.

MAN: Go on, then. Go on.

-Come on.
-Ah!

Oh! Wonder goal!

I mean, nobody's renting
commercial space just now.

Honestly, if you saw
half the stuff I've got
on my books...

Sorry, what's your name
again, darling?

-Sharon.
-Sharon,

this is your priority.

I don't wanna hear
about other clients.

Look, Mr Calloway,
I promise you,
we're doing our best.

Have you seen
the new brochures?

Ah... Hey!

We're working here!

-Business meeting!
-[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Sorry, boss. It's him.

Clowns! Hello. How are you?

One second.
Well, nice to meet you,
Charmaine.

The boys will show you out.

How you doing, mucker?

Ah, no,
I've not been avoiding you.

-I've just...
-See you, darling.

A wee fiscal situation.

But you know
I'm good for the money.

You better had be, Charlie,
or you'll be getting
a visitor.

No, there's no need for that.

-I'll get you your money.
-THE GEORDIE: Aye.

Well, make sure you do.

ROBERT: Pablo Picasso.
Sexual philanderer, certainly,

but more importantly,
towering genius.

This giant of the 20th century
once famously said,

"Bad artists copy.

"Great artists steal."

This week, I want you to
steal from a great artist.

And with that theft,
to make a work of your own.

That's it.
Go away. Off. Go paint.

[SIGHS]

-Hello.
-Ah!

Come in, come in.
Tell me, Mike,
what do you see?

Eh?

MIKE: A skull.

Yeah! You've shown me
it before. The anamorphous.

Yeah, I love it.
It's Holbein's little joke,
you know.

Memento mori, a reminder of
our own mortality. Because...

Because in the great scale of
things, Mike, life is short.

Will you have a wee sensation?

-And it's a wee bit
early for me.
-Oh, okay.

Do you know what I like
about you, Mike?

It's your passion.

Sure.

You see something you want,

you grab it with both hands.

Yeah, once, maybe.
I'm not sure any more.

Slainte.

Slainte.

Ah.

Right, so, you said
you wanted to
show me something.

I'm pretty sure
it wasn't Holbein's skull.

No.

Remember this? Take a look.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Monboddo.

When did you take this?
Yesterday afternoon
in the repository.

I'm afraid it's now
part of the bank's collection.

What's it doing there?
Laura took it with her
when she went to...

She sold it.

Yeah.

About a year and a half ago,
in fact.

I was lucky to get the chance
to acquire it, really.

I mean on the bank's behalf,
obviously.

Her gallery was
in a bit of trouble.

-I felt it was the least
we could do.
-Why didn't you tell me?

Well, it was just
after the break-up,
and you were in a mess,

-and we just felt that
it would make things worse.
-Who's we?

Oh, well, I...
I asked Allan's advice

when Laura approached me.

[LAUGHS]
And what did Allan say?

Er, it's just a picture.

-But it's not just a picture,
is it, Mike?
-No.

It's got secrets.
Significances.

It's a funny thing,
art, isn't it?

I mean,
you think it's about history,
education, culture, taste,

money, and it's not.

It buries itself inside you,
doesn't it?

It gets under your skin.

Why are you telling me this?

Well, what I said last night,

I meant it.

I want those pictures, Mike.

And I think I know
how to get them.

And I wondered if there was
one in particular which

you might want.

Right, well, I guess

I'll just more or less start
at the beginning.

Identify each work,

check it against
the original sales receipts.

BRUCE: You know, we could do
very well out of this, Laura.

You make this sale,

we can get out of here
and we're on our way to

New York.

I know this can't
be easy for you.

No, me? I'm fine. I just...

I just feel bad for Robert,
that's all.

And Mike?

-What about Mike?
-What about Mike?

I haven't spoken
to Mike in over two years.

It's not about Mike.

Well, but if you felt
you needed to meet up

and talk to him
and clear the air...

No.

No, I really don't.
I just wanna get the job done.

[PHONE RINGS]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Erm, 17%
I would think, at least.

Sorry, one second. Yeah?

They've been trying to
get hold of you. It's 2:20.

Oh, God, so it is.
I'll be right there.

[SOFTLY] Why are you walking
so fast?

LAURA: You didn't think
to check with me first?

Laura, I already told you,

he tried your phone
and I couldn't exactly
refuse him a meeting.

No, well,
you can go to the meeting
on your own, then, can't you?

Come on, don't be childish.
How's that gonna look?

We're supposed to be partners,
remember?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Er, yes, thank you.
Can you tell him
we'll be down in a minute?

Thanks.

You give us five minutes,
okay?

Aye, ya, ya, ya, ya.

Hi.

Hi. [CHUCKLES]

-You wanna sit down?
-Yeah.

-You look great.
-Thanks.

Well, better than you did
the last time I saw you.

-Well, the last time
you saw me, I was crying.
-That's true.

[LAUGHS] And now I'm not.

-Well, that's good.
I'm glad.
-Hmm.

What's this all about?

You sold our picture.

-Yes.
-Why?

I needed the money.

-You could've asked me.
-No.

I couldn't.

Yeah.

This was a bad idea, I think.

I just wanted a chance
to explain

why I took the job
in the first place.

'Cause it's better that it's
you than somebody else.

-Yes, it is.
-Yeah, you might wanna try
telling that to Robert.

-And Bruce?
-What about Bruce?

Well, you're together,
obviously.

Yeah. We're engaged.

-Okay.
-Is that really that weird?

Yeah.

[SNORTS]

This shouldn't take long.
Okay. Thanks.

BRUCE: Hi. You must be Mike.

-I'm Bruce. How do you do.
-Nice to meet you.

And you.

-[SIGHS] Everything all right?
-Yeah.

Good.

-BRUCE: So.
-So...

I hear you're handling
the bank's sale
of the art collection.

Yes, that's right.

Well, I'd like to buy
one of the pictures.

The Monboddo portrait.

-LAURA: Mike.
-[SCOFFS]

Well, erm, since we're
jumping right in, erm,

I'm afraid that
despite what Professor Gissing

may have lead you to believe,

we are not aiming to
break up the collection.

Pretty much name your price.
What do you want for her?

[SCOFFS] God, you must
really love Monboddo.

-[SCOFFS]
-No, I'll stop you
right there.

This isn't gonna be possible.

I'm sorry if you've had
a wasted journey.

-Name your price.
-LAURA: Mike.

-[SCOFFS] Christ,
this is ridiculous. I'm sorry.
-Laura, please.

Listen, Mike,
in a couple of weeks,
this will all be done,

and I really see no reason
for it to be awkward
or difficult.

-After all,
we are all adults here.
-Speak for yourself.

Mike. Mike.

Please...

[CUTLERY CLATTERS]

I'm sorry, Allan.

I thought I was safe.

Have you told Margot? No.

I don't know how
I'm gonna keep
my family going.

The divorce was killing me
as it was. School fees.

Look, I can lend you something
to tide you over.

Thanks, Mike.

What about long-term?

Do you know what
the re-employment
rate is for ex-bankers?

I'm gonna be driving
a mini-cab till I'm 70.

-How much notice
have they given?
-Three months.

I told them to
stick it up their arse.

[SNIFFS]

-Was that wise?
-Probably not.

But it felt bloody good.

-[SIGHS]
-Come on, drink up.

-[SIGHS] Where are we going?
-To see Robert.

He wants to show me something.

-Oh, hello, Allan.
I'm so sorry to hear...
-Thanks, Robert.

So, what are we doing?

Come with me.
A little surprise.

Oh, don't be put
off by the smell.

It's a heavy
mixture of linseed oil
and cannabis sativa.

Now then, Michael,
prepare to be amazed.

Oh, good God, Robert.

-I'd almost forgotten
how beautiful she was.
-[ROBERT CHUCKLES]

MIKE: So, what's
she doing here?

Take a closer look.

It's a forgery.

Damn good one, too,
if it had you fooled.

That is amazing.

ROBERT: Yes.
Perfect in every detail.

WESTIE: Nailed it, didn't I?

Ah, Mr Westwater, hello!

These are the two gentlemen
I was telling you about.

Mike, Allan, meet Westie, a
former pupil of mine.

-Hi.
-MIKE: Hi.

Westie had the great advantage
of spending a year at the Art
Institute in Beijing.

The Chinese method
has a lot to recommend it.

Eight hours a day, man,
just copying,
copying, copying.

You painted this?

Every dab.

And it's yours, Michael.
A present from me.

Since the original is
more than
a little unobtainable.

Well, it's great.
Shall we go, then?

MIKE: Thanks, Robert.

Almost exactly
like the real thing.

ROBERT: Hmm.

But it's not, is it?

That's the thing of it.

Most people would be
more than satisfied,

but you and I,
we're different, aren't we?

What about me?

You're a banker,
Allan, so you have no soul.

[LAUGHS]

Ex-banker.

MIKE: God, you've really
been thinking about this,
haven't you?

Oh, indeed I have.

I always knew
this day would come.

And so I took full advantage
of my

privileged access to the works
and the tools at my disposal.

But unfortunately,
with that access now denied,

we must work quickly
to complete

and execute.

To swap the fakes
for the originals.

-And you don't think anybody's
gonna notice?
-What's to notice?

As far as they're concerned,
all the paintings will
be present and correct.

Only we will know otherwise.

And if the day would come
when they happen to discover

that their prize collection
isn't quite what they
thought it was...

Well, won't that be
rather delicious?

I'm going to need more money
for materials.

Ah.

Hmm.

ALLAN: Mike,
you have everything.

MIKE: Well, I suppose I've got
everything I need.

It's just that Bruce Cameron's
got the only two things
that I actually want.

So, I've made a decision.

I've decided that
he can have one or
he can have the other,

but he's not having both.

-Would you be
that bloody minded?
-Yes, I bloody would.

-Well, you're mad.
-Possibly.

Robert seems
pretty determined,
doesn't he?

Yes, he does.

I can't see what's
in it for me, though.

I'm not into all this
art stuff.

Well, if it's just reasons
you're looking for, Allan,

I think
I can give you a couple.

Like?

Like you'd be
getting two paintings

worth about 200 grand each
and maybe more

if you choose wisely.
So, that's over 400,000

that Margot wouldn't be able
to get her hands on.

There's one for you.

Yeah, but I couldn't
sell them, could I?
I mean...

Laura used to say you can sell
anything if you know how.

I didn't realise.

And then, of course, you'd be
getting one over on the bank,

which must seem like quite
an attractive
prospect at the moment.

So, there's two.

Yeah.

All right,
then, so that's agreed.
Bit of reciprocity, yes?

And all in good faith,
of course.

You scratch my back,
I'll scratch yours.
Sort of quid pro quo.

Aye, fair enough.

-Right,
all the best, Professor.
-Thank you, Wee Martin.

So? What's he up to now?

Well, I'm not too sure,
but I think there might be
a few quid in it.

Okay, so, obviously it
goes without saying

that this is
a bloody stupid idea

and that if any one of us

wants to pull out,
we can do so at any point.

-Agreed?
-BOTH: Agreed.

[CHUCKLES]

MIKE: So,

where to start?

We have to work out how
to gain entry
to the repository

undetected with
how many fake paintings?

Well, we couldn't handle more
than two each, so six.

I only want the Monboddo.

-Well, we could still
manage six, but five...
-Okay.

So, first up,
how to gain entry undetected.

Robert, I believe
you have an idea.

Indeed I do.
I take it you're
all familiar with...

-Doors Open Day.
-MIKE: Oh, yeah.

When the buildings
across the city
that are usually

inaccessible are open
to the public.

-MIKE: Yeah.
-I took the kids to
St Bernard's Well last year.

Exactly.

Bored out of my brain.

Yes, but the point is
this year the bank
is opening the repository

for Doors Open
in two weeks' time.

-So, I took the liberty...
-Two weeks?

Yes. ...of putting
your two names down.

Not your real names,
obviously.

Thing is, I am too
well kent of face
and frame to go in myself

'cause I'm there every day.
But I'll find some
other way to get in.

-But you should be able to
stroll in.
-Just stroll in there?

-Yeah.
-But there are CCTV
cameras everywhere.

-So, we'd be noticed.
-Unless... I mean...

Unless we wore disguises,
you know...

Hmm. Or we could find a way
to switch the CCTV off.

-That's more like it.
-Yeah, but how the hell
would we do that?

Come on, Charlie,
for God's sake, man!

Pay your rent, Archie.
What can I tell you?

-Times are tough.
-Look, the bairns wanna
see the football!

Your team's shite.
I'm doing you a favour.

You owe me 250 quid!

Bang out of order!

I tell you,
I never thought I'd be back
doing this,

collecting door to door.

I blame all them
property programmes
on the telly.

"Invest in property,
you cannae go wrong."

MIKE: Just pull over
by the entrance
and park normally.

ALLAN: Okay.

Sorry, how do I park normally?

MIKE: Well, don't kerb crawl.
It'll make us look suspicious.

ALLAN: Right.

Should be about
two minutes now.

ALLAN: And you can trust
this guy, can you?
ROBERT: Wee Martin?

Oh, yes,
he's completely trustworthy.

Well,
he's completely dishonest.

ALLAN: Doesn't look
very secure, does it?

ROBERT: Well,
it is Doors Open Day,

-don't forget. I mean,
you're practically invited.
-Okay.

And how do we get out again?
I mean,

never mind
getting to the vaults.

-Well, we need a card
like Robert.
-ROBERT: Yes.

One of these.
Got a sort of chip on it.

See, every time you swipe
one of those,
it recognises you

and allows you certain
pre-programmed privileges

-and access to certain areas.
-That's right.

-So, why don't we
just use Robert's?
-No, unfortunately,

since I was designated
persona non grata,

it doesn't work any more.
Anyway,
it's got my name on it.

MIKE: Then once we're
inside the building,
we set off the fire alarm,

-get everybody else out
and leave us inside.
-[ALARM RINGS]

-ROBERT: Bingo.
-Wee Martin's set the alarm.

Robert, can you pass me
those binoculars?

Yep. Here.

-Thanks.
-ROBERT: They have a
fire drill every month.

They are fanatical about it.

Stragglers are
executed on site.

Here, Allan.

ALLAN: Who's that with
Wee Martin?

ROBERT: He's the fire officer,

someone who takes his job
very seriously indeed.

We still don't know
how to get
the fakes in yet, though.

ALLAN: There's a cleaning van.

MIKE: Cleaning van.

Cleaning van.

Charlie, there's a bloke
wants to talk to you.

Why? Somebody wanting
to buy their telly back
half price?

No, I don't think so.

-Who the hell are you?
-You don't need
to know who I am.

Mr Carter sent me.
He wants his money.

Hate?
What does the other one say?

Lo... Also hate.

-Okay, very good.
-HATE: I'll give you one week.

You let me know
when you get the money.

If not,
I'll be back on Friday.

Friday. Good. Good.

Would anyone believe
I was a cleaner?
Do I look like a cleaner?

Sorry, where do we get
the cleaning van from?

We don't know yet.
But let's just
assume we can get one.

So, I would drive the van,
looking like a cleaner,

with the fakes,
and you would
bring in the originals,

which we'd swap
from the vault.

Yeah.

Sorry, can we backpedal?
How do we get into the vaults

and why are we
swapping frames?

Come on, Allan.
This is why this is
a planning meeting.

How is this a planning meeting
when we don't have a plan?

[BUZZER]

Pizza.

I really don't know why
more people don't do this

heist lark for a hobby.
I mean it's very simple,
really, isn't it?

We take the fake
paintings to the warehouse
in a van that we don't have...

-Yep, come in.
-ALLAN: ...the cameras will
still snap our pictures

'cause we don't know
how to disable it.

But that doesn't matter

'cause the camera's
in the vaults,

-which we can't get into
in the first place.
-Allan, please.

One quattro stagioni,
one fiorentina,
one American hot.

[LAUGHS] How you doing,
Charlie?

Good, aye! I saw the wee
boy out front on his
wee bike

and I thought
I'd save him the trip.

Gonna invite me in?

-I hope you're not
losing your nerve, Allan.
-[DOOR CLOSING]

Are you losing your nerve?

-[SIGHS]
-MIKE: Gentlemen,
we have a guest.

Er, Charlie,
this is Allan and Robert.

Robert, Allan,
this is Charlie.

-How you doing?
-Yeah, no, fine.

Good.

Did you want something,
Charlie?

Erm, I was just
passing, so I thought

call in just for
old times' sake.

I hear you were down at
the Midlothian
Repository today.

Funny place for
an afternoon out.

That's my patch, Mike.

If there's anything
I can give you a hand with
down there,

anything at all,

you just let me know, okay?

ALLAN: It's a terrible idea.

He's a total nutter.

I think it makes
complete sense.

We need somebody
who understands

how you get access to
security systems,

who knows the whys
and wherefores of how you get

a van that can't be traced.

Do you realise
how much trouble
we're about to get into, Mike?

-[CHUCKLES]
-No, seriously.

I know how much
trouble we're gonna get into
if we try to do this

on our own.

And I've known
Charlie Calloway
since I was a boy.

Yeah,
something I don't understand.

Hmm? What's that?

Why didn't you take the fake?

I mean, it looks exactly
the same.

It's not remotely the same.

It's just a picture, Mike.

It's not like it's a kid
or a dog or something,
it's just a picture.

I've only got pictures.

And that particular
picture represents

the three happiest
years of my life.

And one way or another,
it's coming with me when I go.

Go where?

I haven't made my mind up yet.

But I'm going.

CHARLIE:
That's Mike McKenzie!

MAN: Nice wheels eh.

Wondered how
long it'd take you.

How you doing, Charlie?

-I haven't seen you
around here for a long while.
-[CHUCKLES]

Still looks
pretty much the same.

Aye.

Can I have a word?

Aye. Theresa.

Go and tell your ma to
put the kettle on,
we've got visitors.

Okay.

That one of yours? No, no.

She's my wee sister's bairn.

-CHARLIE:
My sister Carol, Michael.
-Hiya.

-Hey, Carol.
-You remember the McKenzies,
don't you?

-CHARLIE: From number 26.
-Oh, aye, of course!

-Aye! Hiya!
-[LAUGHS]

-Oh, they must have been
proud of you, eh?
-Yeah.

Aye!
Queen's Award for Industry.

-Yep.
-Scotland's most
eligible bachelor.

Aye, that was a while ago,
you know?

-CHARLIE: Howay!
-Thanks, Carol.

Handsome boy like you,
you must be fighting them off
with a shitty stick.

What would you say, Carol?

Eh?

-Oh, aye, I'd shag him.
-[LAUGHS]

Now, listen, there's plenty
more biscuits in the tin,

-so you two just help
yourselves, okay?
-MIKE: Thanks very much.

So...

What do you need?

Okay, it's all sorted.

Calloway's in.

-Are you sure
he can be trusted?
-Yes, I'm sure.

But there's just one thing.

He wants a painting.

[LAUGHS] He wants a painting?
What's he gonna do with it,

wipe his arse?

I think he's got himself
in over his head in some
business deal

with some gangster
from Newcastle

and he wants to use
the painting as collateral
to buy himself some time.

God, give me strength!
Collateral?

And what sort of painting
would this Calloway's
gangster friend prefer, uh?

Does he favour the abstract
expressionist or perhaps he
leans towards the figurative?

God, Robert,
you're such a snob!

How dare you! I'm an elitist.

-There is a difference,
you know.
-Is there?

Anyway, he wants a John Smart.

-He wants a Smart?
-Yeah, this Geordie
guy's been very specific.

He wants
one of the landscapes.

So, do you think
Westie's up to it?

But Smart is...
He's a...

Okay, look, Robert,
we either go

with Calloway or we forget
the whole thing.
It's up to you.

But if we go with Calloway,

there's no turning back.

All right. Yes. You're right.

I'll get in touch with Westie.
Game on, as they say.

Okay, I never work
with amateurs

because their morals
get in the way.

But I'm in a bit of
a situation myself,

plus the fact
you have some inside knowledge

and because Mikey's
bankrolling this operation,

-and I've known Michael for...
-Thirty years...

Well more than 30 years.

So, I'm making an exception.

First things first.

How to get you
from here in Sighthill

to here at the repository
without leaving
a trail on CCTV.

If you travel by car,
ANPR technology means

they'll take
a photograph of your face

and your number plate.

So, you two
will be travelling by bus.

-Bus?
-Yes, bus.

Never been on a bus before?

Hang on, guys. Can we just get
back to the point?

MIKE: What do we do about
the CCTV at the repository?

CHARLIE: That's where
my friend Brighty comes in.

He's installed most
of the security systems
in Edinburgh.

CHARLIE: Money.

Can I have the money?

Right. I'll be two minutes.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

CHARLIE: All right, Brighty?

Charlie!

Thirty minutes, my arse!

Midlothian Repository.

Paintings.

-I need the security system
to not work.
-Piece of piss.

Usual rules.

I'll get you in, then
I'll be long gone like
a turkey in the corn.

Untraceable.

Jesus, Brighty!

-You need to
lighten up a bit, son.
-[SIGHS]

That's why I cook.
Helps me relax.

ROBERT: I'm getting here
at 11:20 in the van.
CHARLIE: Correct.

You're going in the van
with Glenno and Jonno.

What about the paintings?
What's happen...

You'll sort that out,
Professor.

Right, eyes to me,
Glenno, Jonny.

Jonno.

Now, a work of art consists
essentially

of four elements.

The frame itself,
of course, a canvas,

a stretcher board
and the splines,

that's these
little wedge-like things here

that keep everything
firmly embedded in place.

Charlie, Charlie,
Mike's been in the papers,

and everyone
knows the professor
down at the repository.

If they see him driving up

in a cleaning van,
they'll know
he's not a cleaner.

We're gonna have disguises.

-Oh, disguises?
-Yes.

CHARLIE: But only Allan,
Mike and the professor.

Are we getting disguises,
Charlie?

-CHARLIE: What do you need
disguises for?
-I don't know...

It's not a fancy dress
costume party, it's a robbery.

Okay?

Yeah, fine.

Right. We've got
five days to go.

Get yourselves ready
and do what you need to do.

[INAUDIBLE]

[SIGHS] Hey, darling,
we've done it.

We have got a buyer,

and the bank want us to start
negotiating a contract.

-Oh, that's great!
-Yeah, I know.

Yeah, that's great, Bruce.

Yep. New York, here we come.
[LAUGHS]

How's the inventory
coming along?

Well, Robert's left
it in a right mess,

but I've got half
the paintings logged.

And then there's
the print collection.

-It's a bit of a nightmare.
-Oh.

Well, you know, do your best.

-All right.
-All right,
I'll see you soon.

Okay, bye.

-Hurry up.
-Yeah, okay.

-Love you. Bye.
-Bye.

MIKE: All I want really
is to sell it as quickly

and painlessly as possible.

Okay, no problem. As I said,
it's a very good property.

[SIGHS]

ROBERT: Go!

[LAUGHS]

Yes! [LAUGHS]

Well done, Jonny.

I'm Glenn.

He's Jonno.

Gotcha.

Aye, good. Good.

-Gold, eh?
-Aye. Perfect.

[CHUCKLES]

LAURA: What have you
been up to, Robert?

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] Jesus.

WOMAN ON RADIO:
...little more changeable
from Saturday morning.

So, if you're heading
out early
for Doors Open Day tomorrow,

you might want to take
an umbrella.

ALLAN: Where the hell is Mike?
Shall I ring him again?

ROBERT: Don't worry, Allan.
He'll meet us in the pub.

But that's ridiculous,
everybody can ride a bike.

ALLAN: Well, we're not
actually going cycling,
though, are we?

ROBERT: No, no, no,
but the point is,
we go into the pub

and we talk about cycling,
we draw attention
to ourselves,

and then
bright and early we leave,

and everyone will assume
that we've gone cycling,
yeah?

It's like, erm...

It's like putting
a beautiful frame
around a picture.

It just sets up
the whole story.

ALLAN: I think
I'll ring Mike again.
What do you think?

ROBERT: Oh, Allan, get a grip!

-[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]
-Oh, for the love
of God, Allan, not again!

[SIGHS] Hi, Laura.

Wanna sit down here?

I heard you sold the business.

Yeah.

Should've done it years ago.
My heart's not really in it
any more.

Well, what will you do?

I don't know.
I haven't really thought
about it.

Look, Laura,
what are we doing?
I thought we were done.

Yeah.

Well, go and get married
and be happy.

I'm not gonna bother you
any more.

Yeah, I didn't come here
to talk about us, Mike.

[LAUGHS] I'm sorry.

I came here
to talk about Robert.

What about him?

Well, I'm doing the inventory
for the collection and...

[SCOFFS] Well, it's a mess.

-Well,
you know what he's like.
-I don't know, I just

hope he hasn't done anything
stupid, that's all.

Well, I think Robert's
more than capable
of looking after himself.

Yeah. Well, I just thought
I'd tell you as a friend.

A friend?

Laura, Robert's my friend.

What did you mean
when you said
your heart's not in it?

Just being here, doing this,

doesn't really make sense
any more.

-Why?
-Ah, come on.
Why do you think?

-Mike...
-Don't.

Don't. Don't do that.

You should probably go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's my girl.

Yeah, I used to be
obsessed with cycling
when I was young,

and then I gave it up
for years and years

and just recently
started again.

I looked at myself in
the mirror and I thought,
"This is the way forward,"

'cause, you know,
the scenery, the hills
are just right,

whereas the gym
is the most boring place
in the world.

Where the hell's Mike?
Shall I give him another call?

Relax, Allan.
He'll be here.

Drink up, it's your round.
More of the same, please.

MAN ON RADIO:
And for those of you out there

looking for something
to do with the family
this Saturday morning,

don't forget
about Doors Open Day.

This increasingly popular
annual event is happening
right across the city today

with more than 50
of Edinburgh's
less accessible premises

and more mysterious landmarks
opening their doors...

BRUCE: It's my mistake.

I should never have suggested
that you come along.

[SNIFFLES]
I should never have come.

Well, it's better
to find out now,
though, isn't it?

What you really want.

I don't know
what I really want.

Then getting married to me
would've been rather reckless,

-wouldn't it?
-Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

I'm sorry.

Yeah, me, too.

I'll see you
down the repository.

I'm going for a walk.

Come in.
Do you copy?
Do you copy?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER
OVER RADIO]

-All right, McKenzie?
-Hi.

-I thought maybe
you'd bottled it.
-Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this
for the world.

-ROBERT: Hi, Mike.
-Morning.

Do you copy me?
Are you copying me?
Yes?

Hello.

Where the hell were you
last night?

It's okay.
Er, something came up,
but it's sorted now.

Well, it better be.

If you've compromised
the mission, Mike...

If... If I've compromised
the mission?

Allan, we're only gonna
swap a couple of paintings,

we're not taking
on a terrorist cell.

Yeah. Sorry.

CHARLIE:
The fakes are in the van.

-Put your mobiles in here.
-ROBERT: Copy.

CHARLIE: You get them back
when we're back at base.

What?

Should we synchronise watches?

There's no need for that.

As soon as Mike
sends a blank text
from inside the vault,

everyone begins.

Brighty's in place.
And remember,

these phones are
disposable for a reason.

I'm... I'm trying to raise
Glenno on this,
and he's just not answering.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER
OVER RADIO]

Shall we try being on
the same channel?

-Ready?
-ALL: Yes.

-Don't mess up.
-No.

-Come on, get in!
-Make sure the pictures
are secure.

[GEARS CRUNCH] Oh.

Oh, dear.

[BRAKES SCREECH]
The gearbox is a bit slippy.

[BRAKES SCREECH]
Oh, sorry!

[GEARS CRUNCH] Come on!

Come on. Hey, hey, hey!

[LAUGHS] Hold on.

Hi, Mike, it's Laura.

Erm... I...
I need to talk to you.

Er, so could you

call me back as soon
as you get this?

[AFFECTING SCOTTISH ACCENT]
Good morning!

-Morning. The cleaners
at the usual time.
-Aye.

-MARTIN: Where's Billy?
-Erm, er, he's sick.

Oh, Billy,
the lazy bugger!

Here for Doors Open Day?
That's it this way.

Just make your way
up to the building.

That's it. Keep coming.

-Hey, Martin.
-Good morning, Miss Stanton.

I wasn't expecting you.

It's not a good day.
We've got all these visitors.

Oh, I'll just be
in the print room.

Probably be better
if you come back another time.

I won't get in anybody's way,
I promise.

Welcome to
Midlothian Repository
here on Doors Open Day.

I think it's safe to say
most of you will be amazed

at the astonishing
collection of art which
this building contains.

But first,
some basic housekeeping.

In the unlikely event
of a fire,

the main exit
is through reception here,

and then we go out
to the muster point,

which is just
on the flagstones
in front of the building.

[SIGHS]

Right, get your gloves on.

Right, if you'd just like
to follow me
into the repository itself...

-[LOCK BEEPS]
-...the tour can begin.

This way.

Come on, darling!
Do you want to play
football or not?

Good girl.

I know it looks far,
but it's not really.

Don't forget to look up.

Pretend you're
in a cruise ship.
Keep up at the back.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we're about to enter
the restricted area,

so I'm afraid
there are one or two more
rules and regulations.

ALLAN: Excuse me.

Sorry. Er, I need the toilet.

Okay, er,
back down the corridor,
second door on your left.

We'll wait here for you.

-I'll need to
swipe you through.
-Thank you.

Try not to be too long.

So, once we go through
the doors,

the most important thing is
do not touch
any of the artworks.

Some of them
are extremely valuable.

If anyone feels unwell,

the air quality
is slightly strange

due to the climatic control,
humidity control.

If you do feel unwell,
let me know
as soon as you can.

GUIDE: Some of man's earliest
art has been discovered
in Aberdeenshire,

...a dish decoratively carved
stone balls, petrospheres,
dating from the...

[MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES]

[MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES]

-[ALARM RINGING]
-Fire alarm.

Er, right,
back to the muster point.

Straight through reception.
Follow me.

Right, team,
let's get to it.

[STOPWATCH BEEPS]

Not again.

Quickly, without running.
Straight to the muster point,
ladies and gents.

Swiftly but safely. Thank you.

Twenty minutes. Go.

[STOPWATCH TICKING]

[MOBILE PHONE BEEPS]

Bingo.

We're three short.

Mr Reynolds.

Mr Gainsborough.

Miss Stanton.

-It's not as if
it's a real fire, is it?
-That's not the point!

[ALARM RINGING]

Open sesame.

You take the low numbers,
I'll take the high numbers.

[HUMS]

[ALARM RINGING]

[BEEPING]

Here's the fake.

In you go with it,
as fast as you can.

-See, swipe in, swipe out.
-That's what I did.

Swipe in, swipe out.

-I did exactly what you did.
-I think you've broke it.

I did exactly what you did!

[ALARM RINGING]

I think
we should call the police.

The police? Oh, no, no.

That won't be necessary.
No.

Sorry, are you challenging
my authority?

-We'll phone the police!
We'll phone the police!
-Thank you.

Okay.

[PANTS]

Just one more of these to go,

and then we can
start replacing them
with the fakes.

Yeah.

Listen,
I'm only halfway through
the lithographs,

but there is
all sorts of stuff missing,
just like I thought.

[DIAL TONE]

Psst! Mike!

[WHISPERS] I need your help.

So, how is that art...

ROBERT: Well, it's art
because...

Look, we're
running out of time here.

Well, we've still got
two paintings.
We haven't made the swap.

One of them
happens to be your boss's.

Oh. Whoa.
That's not gonna work.

Grab the ladder.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

-Mr Cameron!
-Hi.

Well, what are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping
to get inside.

Oh, we're busy today.
We're too busy.

What are all these people
doing waiting outside?

It's a fire alarm drill thing.

It's all right for
authorised personnel,
though, yeah?

MARTIN: No, no,
you can't go in there!

[ALARM RINGING]

Mike. Swipe card.

So, they're not
letting anyone in.

Can you come out, please?

Yeah, that might be
a bit tricky.

I can't get out.
My card won't work.

[DOOR BUZZES]

ALLAN: Mike.

[DOOR PANEL BEEPS]

It's just not working.

Allan.

The swipe card.

Allan.

The swipe card, Allan.

Hello, there.
Are you here
for the Doors Open tour?

Er, no, no, I'm authorised.
I'm with the bank.
I've got my card.

Oh. I can't let anyone go
in at the moment.

We've had to
evacuate the building
'cause of a fire alarm.

[ALARM RINGING]

Well, yeah, I understand that,

but at the moment,
we can't let anyone go in
or out.

Just a protocol, I'm afraid,
until the fire brigade
give the all-clear.

Martin to Theresa!

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Mike? What's the matter?

Charlie, you're gonna have to
call Brighty.
We're stuck in here.

You're gonna have to get him
to reprogramme all the doors
to open.

Oh, you're an amateur idiot!

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHING]

Allan.

Stop it.

Yeah.

-CHARLIE: I need you
to go in again.
-No.

-It's too dangerous.
-Brighty, just do it.

[SIGHS] All right.
All right.

Right, I'm phoning Charlie.

I'm just gonna
go round the back,
if that's all right.

You know,
you really shouldn't leave
the muster point

until the fire brigade
have given the all-clear.

I've got authorisation.

-No, no, Mr Cameron,
you can't go in.
-Why not?

Well...
You don't have clearance.

I've got plenty of clearance.
You can calm down.
It's all right.

Crikey.

[DOOR BEEPS] Yes!

[DOOR BEEPS]

-[PHONE RINGS]
-GLENNO: Come on, Charlie,
pick up!

Right, that's it,
we're out of time.

Start the engine,
we're out of here.

What about the
boss's painting?

Doesn't really matter about
the boss's painting.

He can get another one.
Come on, we're out of time!
Start the engine!

[MUFFLED ARGUING]

-Oh, my God!
-Oh, shit.

ROBERT: I didn't know
he was there.
What was he doing there?

Christ, you've killed him.

Don't be stupid!
Get him shifted!

And get back in the van!

Erm, Jonny! Jonno, Jonno!
Come here!

You know my name now, eh?

ROBERT: Give me a hand!

Mike!
We've still got the fakes!

They're supposed to be
in the vault!

Mike! Come on! Let's go!

Give me 30 seconds.

ROBERT: Mike,
what are you doing? Mike!

-Where's he going? Mike!
-ALLAN: The Monboddo!

Wait! Wait, two minutes!
Mike! Mike!

We need to get out of here!

-Two minutes.
-No, no, no, not two minutes!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Move!

-What are you doing?
-Mike!

Mike! Come on, come on!
Two minutes. Two minutes.

-[SHOUTING] Allan, I'm here!
-Go, go, go!

-[TYRES SCREECH]
-ALLAN: Mike!

MIKE: Allan!
Come on, quickly!

MIKE: Allan, run!

-ALLAN: Mike!
-Come on!

I'm not gonna do this again!

[ALARM RINGING]

Bruce?

Jesus, he's still coming!

-JONNO: Get him in!
-Come on, get him in!

[TYRES SCREECH]

Right, he's in.
Come on, Jonno, go!

[SIREN WAILS]

You didn't call the police,
did you?

They were engaged.

MIKE: Jonno, not too fast.

Are you insane.
What kind of getaway car
doesn't go too fast?

We don't wanna draw attention
to ourselves.

Great.

Now we've got the originals
and the fakes.

Yeah, change of plan.

Don't worry, I've got an idea.

ROBERT: Now, Mr Calloway,
it is absolutely essential

that you keep her away from
any extremes of temperature,
moisture or light.

-Hmm?
-CHARLIE: Right.

ROBERT: Okay, in you go.
Tenderly, tenderly.

That's it. That's it.

CHARLIE: This bit of business,
you know what it means,
don't you?

It means I know your shit
and you know my shit,

and that goes for your boys,
as well.

-I'll pass it on.
-You do that.

You lads ditch the fakes.
I'll take this one
to Newcastle.

GLENNO: [CLEARS THROAT]
Hello, police?

Aye. There's this
abandoned van
down by the docks.

Looks a bit dodgy, you know?

Aye, it's just down
by the water, you know?

Okay.

Are you sure Bruce didn't get
a good look at you?

Absolutely positive.

And even if he had,
what difference would it make?

Your disguises
were so brilliant,
that he'd be none the wiser.

We'll have left a clue.

It's like a fibre of cloth
or a stray hair

or tyre tracks by the caravan.

-I've seen CSI.
-[LAUGHS]

Allan, if you could just kerb
your natural pessimism
for a second,

we set out to do something
and we did it.

The police will find the van
with the fakes.

They'll think the thieves have
panicked and just made off.

-Yes.
-ROBERT: And let's face it,

Bruce can't have seen me
or recognised me
'cause if he had,

-the police would've called.
-Yeah, Okay.

[MOBILE PHONE RINGS]

Er, Professor Gissing.

Yes, Inspector,
how can I help you?

Really? That's...
That's absolutely awful!

What... Yes.

Well, if you think I could be
of any assistance, natur...

No, no, no, not at all.
I'd be completely delighted.

Absolutely, I look forward
to seeing you, Inspector.
Goodbye.

-Our friends, the police.
-What?

It seems a van
full of paintings
was discovered,

stolen works of art,
some sort of bungled robbery,

and they want me
to authenticate the works.

[SIGHS]

ROBERT: It's, erm, not exactly
an unexpected surprise.

Who else would they ask?
I am more or less

the world's leading authority
on those paintings.

I think that calls for
three more whiskies,
don't you?

-Yes.
-Yes.

-Is this it?
-Aye.

Help yourself.

That's really good, darling.
You should stick in at that.

What would you know about it,
you big arse?

[LAUGHS]

-Detective Inspector Ransome,
I presume?
-Yes.

Professor Gissing.

I'm here to authenticate
the pictures.

-I gather
they've all been found.
-Well, looks like it.

-Any idea
who the perpetrators were?
-None.

Bunch of amateurs, by the
looks of things.

Oh, not so amateur
if they were able to

-get in and out here
undetected.
-Mmm.

Erm, are there
any other works missing?

Well, we don't think so,
but we're gonna have
to go through

the rest of the collection
just to be sure.

[CHUCKLES]

-That's not a job
for the faint-hearted.
-No.

Something must have
made them panic,
I think.

ROBERT: Anyway,
the good news is

that these beautiful pictures
have been returned unharmed,

and if that's so,
then it's important

that they're placed
back in the collection
where they belong

as soon as possible.

-MIKE: Hello?
-Hi. Erm, it's me.

-MIKE: Come up.
-[DOOR BUZZING]

Hi. Erm...

-I left you a message, but...
-You okay?

[SIGHS] Yeah, it's been
a crazy 24 hours.

-I mean, you heard
about the robbery?
-Mmm.

The police wanted
to talk to us,
and Bruce got hurt.

-Is he okay?
-Yeah-ish.

Poor Bruce.

Erm, can I come in?

It's a fake.

Are you sure?

Absolutely.
No doubt at all.

So, you, er,
you're really leaving, then?

Well, yeah, I said I was.

Did you think
I was making it up?

No, no.

Where you gonna go?

Haven't decided.

Right.

-I'd offer you a drink,
but, erm...
-It's over, Mike.

With me and Bruce.
I, er...

I called things off.

Erm, yeah, er...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay.

I've tried really hard to

forget about you
and just move on, but...

You're the only person
I'm thinking about
whenever you're not there.

So...

Yep.

Okay.

I have to ask you a question.

Yeah?

Why do you never look back
when you say goodbye?

-What?
-Whenever I drop you off
anywhere,

like the train station
or an airport,

you say goodbye
but you never look back.

And I always
have to look back.

So, the conclusion
that I came to

was that I needed you more
than you needed me.

Well, that's not true.

And then,
the other night you swanned
off into the sunset

and you didn't look back,
and the conclusion
I came to then was that

I was never gonna
see you again.

-Okay, erm...
-Why did you never
look back?

Because I knew
you would be there.

Because...

I knew you loved me.

That makes sense.

I do love you.

I'm still in love with you.

Never stopped.

Well...

I still love you, too.
And...

I never stopped.

-Hang on. Wait. Hey.
-Hmm?

[SIGHS]

I have to tell you something.

Right,
let's get this over with.

-You stole our painting?
-Well, you see,

I didn't know
you were coming back.

You... You idiot!

-Mike!
-[DOOR CLOSING]

And the others?
I mean, what are they getting
out of this?

Well, Allan's broke

and he saw it as a way out.

And Robert, well...

Robert wanted
to liberate them.

Steal them, you mean.

He wanted to steal them
for himself.

Well, we replaced them
with fakes

and we put the fakes
in a van to be discovered
by the police.

Where are the originals?
Where are they now?

They're in Robert's cottage.

Well, all except one,

which we had to give to a guy
named Calloway,

and, well, that's probably
in Newcastle by now.

Hi, Laura.

Hi... Allan.

-Does she know everything?
Right.
-Yeah.

ALLAN: Have you told
the police?

No, Allan, no,

because you are going
to put the paintings back.

All of them.

I can't see Robert
agreeing to that.

NEWSREADER:
Police are still looking
into the baffling events

surrounding a bungled robbery
that took place
at the Midlothian Repository

during Doors Open Day
yesterday afternoon.

It seems that the thieves,
who stole several...

Charlie? Charlie!

What?

CHARLIE: Oh, here we go.

[PHONE RINGING]

No, not picking up.

Well, he's probably
still driving on his way
back to the cottage.

[LAUGHS]

Did you two really,

really honestly believe
that you were gonna
get away with this?

Hmm?

I mean, the fakes
may have bought you some time,

but what about all the things
you didn't fake?

What are you talking about?

The drawings.
The Picasso, the Matisse?

No idea
what you're talking about.

LAURA: There are over
a dozen things missing.

And we haven't even got
halfway through the inventory.

All right. Hang on,
we took seven paintings.

That's it. And we had fakes
for every one.

I'll have to go
and find Robert.

-Allan, you stay here.
-Yeah. Yeah.

You wanna come with me?

-I had no idea. I trust...
-Listen, it's Sunday.

-I'm a religious man.
-Yeah.

-I should be
on the golf course.
-Yeah.

Instead I'm up here
in jock land
collecting bad debts.

I trusted you, Charlie.
I helped you out.

You ripped me off.

-I swear to you...
-THE GEORDIE: Shut up.

Yes.

It's simple.

You've got this afternoon
to sort this mess out

or I'm cutting me losses

the old-fashioned way.

And then getting home
to Newcastle in time
for Downtown Abbey.

You understand?

Yep. I understand.

Mike?

Is this him?

CHARLIE:
That's his wee girlfriend.

THE GEORDIE: Done a bolt then,
has he, this mate of yours?

-It's not good.
-No.

No.

Get yourself some chips?

Hello, Charlie.

[GROANS]

Where's Mike?

Hello?

They should be in here.

Wow.

He's cleared the place out.

How much do you think
it's all worth?

Well, the paintings
you lot took,
almost a million,

but if you count the prints
he's taken,

it's a couple of million,
at least.

I'm so sorry, Mike.

Son of a bitch.

I'm gonna have to phone Allan.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Allan.
-ALLAN: Mike?

-Oh, thank God. Erm...
-MIKE: What's wrong?

Mike, you better hurry up
and come down to
Calloway's office here.

Why? What for?

ALLAN: It's all gone
a bit tits-up, really. Er...

I'm really sorry.
Look, hurry up, Mike.
They're coming to get you...

Thought you'd get away
with giving me a fake,
did you?

Look, listen, Charlie...

You've got my picture,
I've got your friend.

Charlie,
I haven't got your painting.

Get your arse
down to my office right now.

LAURA: Mike.

Mike!

-Who's that?
-MIKE: Who?

Jesus, that was quick.

What's wrong?

I'm gonna have to go
with those guys

and I want you to
do something for me.

Take the keys,
wait until I'm gone,

drive to the hotel,
and if I'm not back
within an hour,

you call the police.

-Why? What's happening?
-No. Do you remember
I told you

-about a guy called Calloway?
-Uh-huh.

Well, Robert's given him
a fake painting

and he was gonna use it
to pay off a debt.

He thinks
I've got the original.

They've got Allan.

-They've got Allan?
-Yeah.

-For Christ sake, Mike,
just call the police!
-No, no.

Just give me
a couple of hours.

I'm gonna go and sort it out.

It'll be okay.

Party for McKenzie!

-All right, Glenn?
-Where's your pal, Gissing?

I don't know.
I think he's done a runner

and I think
he's taken the paintings
with him.

You're free to take
a look around if you want.

Well, you thought
you were all so clever,
didn't you?

Play a little joke
on the schemies.

-No, it's not like that.
-Calloway is raging.

The Geordies are raging.

Move. In the car.

Move!

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

CHARLIE: Hiya, Mike!

How you doing, Mike?
Nice to see your face.

All right, Charlie?

What is this?

What do you think this is?
What is this?

Well, I'm assuming
it's not your painting.

Oh, you're assuming,
are you?

You're assuming correctly,
McKenzie.

And I'm assuming
you and your pals
have got the original.

I don't have your painting,
Charlie.

Gissing stitched us up,
he's taken all our paintings,

mine, Allan's and...

I don't know how
he's done it yet, but he
swapped yours for a fake.

No. You came to me,

you asked for my help,
I gave my help.

You gave me this picture,

this worthless
piece of shit picture.

I passed it on to my friend,
in good faith,

as a down-payment
on an outstanding debt!

I'm getting bored, Charlie.
He doesn't have your painting.

What... I'm an idiot.

What was I thinking?

Mixing with the likes of you,
McKenzie.

Charlie, really not helping.

Your shit is my shit,
remember?

Well, here we are,
this is our shit,
and we're in it together.

I think we're getting off
the point here, lads.

I agree with you.

Do you mind?

I can get you your money.

I can pay off Charlie's debts.

You're gonna have to give me
a day or two at least,
my money's tied up.

In my business,
in my house,

I've got nothing
under the mattress.

No! Shite!

He's got loads of dosh.

-Please, no, don't...
-ALLAN: Aw, Jesus!

Don't involve him in this.

Give me till tomorrow.
At least.

It's always manana
with you jocks,
isn't it? Eh?

You better write a cheque,
Mike,
you better do something.

I don't think you understand
the situation here.

I can take a hit for £200,000
if I have to.

Some sort of payment
has to be made today.

Now, I don't mind
if it's a painting,

I don't mind if it's cash.

Don't mind of it's good
old-fashioned flesh and bone.

-[WHIMPERS]
-See.

But some sort of payment
must be made.

-Aye.
-I've got no option.

So, as it's your
first offence...

Left foot or right foot?

I mean,
do you have a preference?

Me?

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello.

For the love of Christ.

Hello, yourself. Hey, please,
come in, take a pew.
Who's this, eh?

CHARLIE: I dunno.

You got a plan, honey?

-Mmm-hmm.
-Okay.

Erm,

I don't know
if this would help,

it's a John Patrick Monboddo,

Gissing left it for you
in the cottage, Mike.

It is the original.

THE GEORDIE: I wanted a big
landscape. Eh?

A John Smart,
not a pissy little portrait.

Okay. Okay.
Yes, but this one,

this one has a story.

Her name is Magdalena Dudek
and she was Polish
and a singer.

Monboddo fell in love with her

and begged her to marry him.

So, she did.

Then after a couple of years,
she left him heartbroken,

and they found him
in Paris with nothing.

Nothing apart
from this portrait.

What's the asking price?

She's very marketable.

Probably
a couple of hundred grand,

if not more,
if you find the right buyer.

I'm gonna have to rush you.

-Oh, aye?
-Yes, I've called the police.

-You what?
-THE GEORDIE: Eh?

-[SIRENS APPROACHING]
-Er...

Christ!

CHARLIE: Oh, you stupid cow!

THE GEORDIE: It better not be
another forgery, Charlie!

Come on,
let's get out of here.

You know,
I think I'll take it.

Great.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

-This way. This way.
Come on!
-Oh, my God. What the hell...

-Allan, are you okay?
-Oh, yeah, fine.

I can't believe
you called the police.

Oh, God,
we're gonna go to prison.

It's all right.
I just told them
it was a fire.

[MIKE LAUGHS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

ROBERT: "My dear Michael,
and indeed, my dear Laura,

"for I cannot write
the one name
without thinking of the other.

"I've been blessed
with many things in my life,

"but I've never found the love
that so clearly exists
between you.

"My passion has always been
for my work.

"Just as I know
with absolute certainty

"that the two of you
should not be parted,

"I hope you'll understand
that I could not be parted
from my beloved paintings.

"But I leave you the Monboddo
as a memento mori.

"A symbol to remind you
that life is short,

"that you must grab life
by the throat,
smudges and all.

"I will think of you.

"And if you should ever
pass a thought
in my direction,

"I hope it will be a kind one.

"Best wishes,
Robert Gissing."

Bonjour.

[INAUDIBLE]

No! Mike, no.

We were wondering about
this painting here.