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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:02,381 --> 00:00:04,342 - Hi, everyone. I'm Jeff Dunham. 3 00:00:04,342 --> 00:00:08,179 - Greetings, infidels. I am Achmed, the dead terrorist. 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:08,179 --> 00:00:09,764 - I have a question for you, Achmed. 6 00:00:09,764 --> 00:00:12,475 - I am all ears, without actual ears. 7 00:00:12,475 --> 00:00:13,935 - All right. 8 00:00:13,935 --> 00:00:16,103 Who's your favorite cartoon character? 9 00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:20,024 - Is this a trick question? - No. Seriously, who is it? 10 00:00:20,024 --> 00:00:21,359 - Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh? 11 00:00:21,359 --> 00:00:24,028 - Tigger. As in Winnie the Pooh? 12 00:00:24,028 --> 00:00:27,198 - Yes, and Eeyore. He was so sad. 13 00:00:27,198 --> 00:00:28,699 - And Piglet? 14 00:00:28,699 --> 00:00:30,284 - Don't be an idiot. 15 00:00:30,284 --> 00:00:31,452 - Sorry. - Whatever. 16 00:00:31,452 --> 00:00:33,120 What is the point of this? 17 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,373 - What if you, Achmed, were animated? 18 00:00:35,373 --> 00:00:36,791 - Me? A cartoon? 19 00:00:36,791 --> 00:00:38,751 - Right. - Like Tigger? 20 00:00:38,751 --> 00:00:41,087 - Sure. - That would be fantastic. 21 00:00:41,087 --> 00:00:42,421 - Then wish for it. 22 00:00:42,421 --> 00:00:44,048 - What? - Make a wish. 23 00:00:44,048 --> 00:00:46,759 - Oh, like, "I wish I were animated"? 24 00:00:46,759 --> 00:00:48,094 - Perfect. 25 00:00:48,094 --> 00:00:50,388 - Hi, everybody. - Aah! 26 00:00:50,388 --> 00:00:52,557 - I am Tinker Bubba. 27 00:00:52,557 --> 00:00:54,600 - What the-- - Hi, Tinker Bubba. 28 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,562 - Howdy. Did I hear someone make a wish? 29 00:00:57,562 --> 00:00:58,854 - Yep. That was Achmed. 30 00:00:58,854 --> 00:01:01,190 - A wish? What wish? 31 00:01:01,190 --> 00:01:04,485 - You said you wished to be intoxicated. 32 00:01:04,485 --> 00:01:08,364 - No, animated. - Oh, well, I can do that too. 33 00:01:08,364 --> 00:01:10,992 - This is ridic-- - [shouts] 34 00:01:10,992 --> 00:01:12,410 - Ah! Oh! 35 00:01:12,410 --> 00:01:14,412 What happened to me? Why do I look like this? 36 00:01:14,412 --> 00:01:16,664 - Thank you, Tinker Bubba. - You're welcome. 37 00:01:16,664 --> 00:01:18,249 - You infidel fairy. 38 00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:20,960 - Toot-toot for now. Got to fly. 39 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,670 Whoo-hoo! 40 00:01:22,670 --> 00:01:24,255 [flatulence, crash] 41 00:01:24,255 --> 00:01:26,173 - You tricked me. - You got your wish. 42 00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:27,842 - And why am I like this? 43 00:01:27,842 --> 00:01:29,343 - It's for your new animated special, 44 00:01:29,343 --> 00:01:31,053 Achmed Saves America. 45 00:01:31,053 --> 00:01:32,471 Enjoy the show. 46 00:01:32,471 --> 00:01:35,558 - Come back, Tinker Bubba! 47 00:01:37,602 --> 00:01:40,605 [traditional Middle Eastern music] 48 00:01:40,605 --> 00:01:42,440 ♪ ♪ 49 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,859 [music stops] 50 00:01:44,859 --> 00:01:47,862 [music resumes] 51 00:01:47,862 --> 00:01:52,033 ♪ ♪ 52 00:01:52,033 --> 00:01:54,452 [music stops] 53 00:01:54,452 --> 00:01:57,038 [music resumes] 54 00:01:57,038 --> 00:01:58,581 I will kill you. 55 00:01:58,581 --> 00:02:01,792 [cell phone ringing melodically] 56 00:02:01,792 --> 00:02:04,879 Oh, not a phone call while I'm riding. 57 00:02:04,879 --> 00:02:07,590 [gasps] I have coverage all the way out here 58 00:02:07,590 --> 00:02:10,134 and not a cell tower in sight. 59 00:02:11,969 --> 00:02:14,055 Yes, yes. What? What? 60 00:02:14,055 --> 00:02:17,141 - Achmed. Why are you still alive? 61 00:02:17,141 --> 00:02:18,726 - Nice talking to you too. 62 00:02:18,726 --> 00:02:21,604 - Wheel of Fortune! 63 00:02:21,604 --> 00:02:24,398 - I should have heard a big boom by now. 64 00:02:24,398 --> 00:02:26,233 You have worked for us for three years, 65 00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,944 and you still haven't killed infidel one. 66 00:02:28,944 --> 00:02:31,530 I swear, you are the worst terrorist 67 00:02:31,530 --> 00:02:33,240 in the whole non-Muslim world. 68 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,700 - I am not. 69 00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,203 As a devout non-Muslim, I am offended by that. 70 00:02:37,203 --> 00:02:39,538 - Are you forgetting you blew up a training camp? 71 00:02:39,538 --> 00:02:42,416 The only thing left was the monkey bars. 72 00:02:42,416 --> 00:02:46,879 - Oh, please. We are so much better than them. 73 00:02:46,879 --> 00:02:49,965 - Do not worry, Hassan. I will get it right this time. 74 00:02:49,965 --> 00:02:51,384 - Achmed, focus! 75 00:02:51,384 --> 00:02:53,302 You're not losing your nerve, are you? 76 00:02:53,302 --> 00:02:54,970 - No! Are you kidding? 77 00:02:54,970 --> 00:02:57,598 I'd be crazy not to want to kill myself. 78 00:02:57,598 --> 00:03:00,017 - Then tell me why you are doing this mission. 79 00:03:00,017 --> 00:03:01,227 - Because you told me to. 80 00:03:01,227 --> 00:03:02,603 - Wrong answer! Why? 81 00:03:02,603 --> 00:03:04,188 - Because I hate the infidel. 82 00:03:04,188 --> 00:03:06,691 - And why do you hate the infidel? 83 00:03:06,691 --> 00:03:08,442 - Because you told me to. 84 00:03:08,442 --> 00:03:11,404 - Right answer. So don't screw this up. 85 00:03:11,404 --> 00:03:13,114 - Why do you treat me like a fool? 86 00:03:13,114 --> 00:03:15,074 The bomb is ready to go. 87 00:03:15,074 --> 00:03:16,409 [beeping] 88 00:03:16,409 --> 00:03:17,743 Oops. 89 00:03:19,203 --> 00:03:22,206 [screaming] 90 00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:25,418 Huh? 91 00:03:25,418 --> 00:03:26,919 Hey. 92 00:03:26,919 --> 00:03:29,380 I'm alive. I failed! 93 00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:31,132 Son of a female dog. 94 00:03:31,132 --> 00:03:35,177 Well, it obviously can't get any worse than this. 95 00:03:35,177 --> 00:03:36,804 Huh! [eagle screeches] 96 00:03:36,804 --> 00:03:39,598 What the Hezbollah? Let me go, you flying jackal. 97 00:03:39,598 --> 00:03:42,935 Release me at once. [eagle screeches] 98 00:03:42,935 --> 00:03:44,937 Clutch me again! I was kidding! 99 00:03:44,937 --> 00:03:46,731 I was kidding! 100 00:03:46,731 --> 00:03:50,359 [screaming] 101 00:03:50,359 --> 00:03:53,237 Well, that used to hurt. 102 00:03:53,237 --> 00:03:56,615 Wait. Where is this aluminum devil taking me? 103 00:03:58,534 --> 00:04:03,205 No! 104 00:04:03,205 --> 00:04:06,542 [rock guitar playing Star-Spangled Banner] 105 00:04:06,542 --> 00:04:11,714 ♪ ♪ 106 00:04:11,714 --> 00:04:14,550 [screaming] 107 00:04:20,181 --> 00:04:23,434 [rock guitar playing The Battle Hymn of the Republic] 108 00:04:23,434 --> 00:04:31,400 ♪ ♪ 109 00:04:39,283 --> 00:04:40,576 [slurps] 110 00:04:40,576 --> 00:04:42,453 Mmm. 111 00:04:56,675 --> 00:04:58,594 [groans] 112 00:04:58,594 --> 00:05:00,012 Hmm. Hey. 113 00:05:00,012 --> 00:05:02,223 Death to America...ville. 114 00:05:08,145 --> 00:05:12,900 Terrorist log, hate date 7/3/13. 115 00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:16,320 I have arrived in the land of the infidels. 116 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,657 It will only be a matter of time until--Aah! 117 00:05:19,657 --> 00:05:21,867 - Oh, boy. 118 00:05:21,867 --> 00:05:25,079 I don't know what that was, but it made a doozy of a noise. 119 00:05:25,079 --> 00:05:26,914 - I hope we hit something cool. 120 00:05:26,914 --> 00:05:28,874 Then this day wouldn't be a total loss. 121 00:05:28,874 --> 00:05:30,251 - Whatever. 122 00:05:30,251 --> 00:05:32,086 Everyone's at the mall except me. 123 00:05:32,086 --> 00:05:35,005 And now my life is over. 124 00:05:35,005 --> 00:05:36,757 - Well, I know we hit something, 125 00:05:36,757 --> 00:05:38,843 but darn if I know what it was. 126 00:05:38,843 --> 00:05:43,514 - Turn around, asshat. 127 00:05:43,514 --> 00:05:44,974 - Is that what we hit? 128 00:05:44,974 --> 00:05:46,350 - Whoa! Is he dead? 129 00:05:46,350 --> 00:05:48,435 - [scoffs] Can't we go now? 130 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:50,646 - No, honey. We have to help him. 131 00:05:50,646 --> 00:05:52,064 - Here you go, buddy. You're fine. 132 00:05:52,064 --> 00:05:53,274 You're gonna be fine. - Wait. stop. 133 00:05:53,274 --> 00:05:54,775 - Let me give you a hand with that. 134 00:05:54,775 --> 00:05:56,110 - What are you doing? - Oh, that is a hand. 135 00:05:56,110 --> 00:05:57,444 - Get your hands off of me. 136 00:05:57,444 --> 00:05:58,696 - And the diaper goes on top, right? 137 00:05:58,696 --> 00:06:00,072 - Wait a minute. - That's a knee. 138 00:06:00,072 --> 00:06:01,490 - I don't even touch myself there. 139 00:06:01,490 --> 00:06:02,783 - That's a... - What are you doing? 140 00:06:02,783 --> 00:06:07,162 -...third knee. - Stop touching me! 141 00:06:07,162 --> 00:06:09,707 You put my ass in front! 142 00:06:09,707 --> 00:06:11,333 - I'm sorry. I didn't see you. 143 00:06:11,333 --> 00:06:13,460 - Oh, that makes me feel so much better. 144 00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,421 - I guess we should exchange insurance information-- 145 00:06:15,421 --> 00:06:18,132 - [coughing] - Ooh. 146 00:06:18,132 --> 00:06:19,925 Oh, that looks like ours. 147 00:06:19,925 --> 00:06:21,594 - Ew! - Oh, my. 148 00:06:21,594 --> 00:06:23,804 - Can we get you to a doctor or something? 149 00:06:23,804 --> 00:06:25,764 - I want nothing to do with you. 150 00:06:29,351 --> 00:06:32,563 How I wish that evil airplane had never carried me 151 00:06:32,563 --> 00:06:35,733 from my homeland to this wretched America of yours. 152 00:06:35,733 --> 00:06:38,736 - Mom, did you hear that? He said he just flew here. 153 00:06:38,736 --> 00:06:40,237 Maybe he's our exchange student. 154 00:06:40,237 --> 00:06:41,822 - Yeah. 155 00:06:41,822 --> 00:06:45,159 Claude, the French kid we missed at the airport? 156 00:06:45,159 --> 00:06:47,453 - I hate you, and I hate this country. 157 00:06:47,453 --> 00:06:49,914 - Oh, yeah, he's French. We better stop him. 158 00:06:49,914 --> 00:06:51,874 Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. 159 00:06:51,874 --> 00:06:53,709 [dog barking] - What? What? What? 160 00:06:53,709 --> 00:06:55,502 [screaming] 161 00:06:55,502 --> 00:06:57,671 Ah! What devil is this? 162 00:06:57,671 --> 00:06:59,882 - Bill, no. 163 00:06:59,882 --> 00:07:01,842 - Bill? Seriously? 164 00:07:01,842 --> 00:07:03,719 You give your dogs people names? 165 00:07:03,719 --> 00:07:06,722 What did you name your kids, Bubbles and Cujo? 166 00:07:06,722 --> 00:07:08,098 - Billy, off! 167 00:07:08,098 --> 00:07:10,184 I'm sorry. He just likes you. 168 00:07:10,184 --> 00:07:13,103 - Oh, great. When does the humping start? 169 00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:15,606 - By any chance, are you Claude? 170 00:07:15,606 --> 00:07:17,316 - Of course I am Claude. 171 00:07:17,316 --> 00:07:19,109 I'm clawed, scratched, bitten, licked, and humped, 172 00:07:19,109 --> 00:07:20,569 but mostly I am clawed. 173 00:07:20,569 --> 00:07:22,905 - So you're saying you're Claude? 174 00:07:22,905 --> 00:07:25,491 - Yes, you stupid American infidel. 175 00:07:25,491 --> 00:07:27,785 - That's wonderful. - What? 176 00:07:27,785 --> 00:07:31,205 - Claude, we are your host family, the Wilsons, 177 00:07:31,205 --> 00:07:33,290 and we're so happy you're here. 178 00:07:33,290 --> 00:07:35,960 - Are you infidels friendly or idiots 179 00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:37,878 or just friendly idiots? 180 00:07:37,878 --> 00:07:39,880 - Sorry about the mix-up at the airport, 181 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,507 but that is all over now. 182 00:07:41,507 --> 00:07:43,175 Let's get you to your new home. 183 00:07:43,175 --> 00:07:45,177 - You're taking me to your cave? 184 00:07:45,177 --> 00:07:48,305 - Well, I do have a man cave. It's the garage. 185 00:07:48,305 --> 00:07:50,224 - Is he naked? 186 00:07:50,224 --> 00:07:52,476 - Try not to make him feel bad, okay, honey? 187 00:07:52,476 --> 00:07:54,019 He's probably poor. 188 00:07:54,019 --> 00:07:56,146 Let's get you a hot meal first. 189 00:07:56,146 --> 00:07:59,024 - We have the foreigner. Can we please go to the mall? 190 00:07:59,024 --> 00:08:02,027 [upbeat music] 191 00:08:02,027 --> 00:08:07,700 ♪ ♪ 192 00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:09,201 - [thinking] I have moled myself, 193 00:08:09,201 --> 00:08:11,203 "first season of Homeland" style, 194 00:08:11,203 --> 00:08:13,580 among the enemy, the hated ones. 195 00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:18,085 These people who call themselves Wilson are cunning, though. 196 00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:23,257 They insist on treating me with respect 197 00:08:23,257 --> 00:08:26,468 and feeding me an obscene amount of food 198 00:08:26,468 --> 00:08:28,178 that I can barely keep down. 199 00:08:34,643 --> 00:08:38,522 - I have the same problem. 200 00:08:46,655 --> 00:08:49,158 - [thinking] Their town is in terrible shape, 201 00:08:49,158 --> 00:08:52,327 and their lives are filled with emptiness and failure, 202 00:08:52,327 --> 00:08:54,038 yet they don't take the obvious route 203 00:08:54,038 --> 00:08:56,749 of blowing themselves and everyone around them up. 204 00:08:56,749 --> 00:08:58,208 What's up with that? 205 00:08:58,208 --> 00:09:00,085 - I just work on the assembly line now, 206 00:09:00,085 --> 00:09:04,173 but my dream is to design the cars, like this. 207 00:09:04,173 --> 00:09:07,176 - This is a gas-guzzling, obnoxious testament 208 00:09:07,176 --> 00:09:10,512 to everything the rest of the world hates about America. 209 00:09:10,512 --> 00:09:12,139 - Exactly. 210 00:09:12,139 --> 00:09:14,349 It'll be a huge seller and save the company. 211 00:09:14,349 --> 00:09:16,810 If only my boss would look at it. 212 00:09:16,810 --> 00:09:22,232 - He will, because it's perfect, honey, just like you. 213 00:09:22,232 --> 00:09:24,359 - [thinking] These are nothing like the Americans 214 00:09:24,359 --> 00:09:28,572 I was taught to hate, which makes me hate them more. 215 00:09:28,572 --> 00:09:31,575 Plus, I had no idea women could drive. 216 00:09:31,575 --> 00:09:34,203 - Well, this is your home for the summer, Claude. 217 00:09:34,203 --> 00:09:36,413 It's cozy, but we love it. 218 00:09:36,413 --> 00:09:39,541 - I am nauseated by the evil stench of decadence. 219 00:09:39,541 --> 00:09:41,752 - He did it. - Now, Kevin. 220 00:09:41,752 --> 00:09:43,462 - Don't pick on our guest. 221 00:09:43,462 --> 00:09:44,838 He's had a long day. 222 00:09:44,838 --> 00:09:46,548 You know he was hit by a minivan. 223 00:09:46,548 --> 00:09:48,175 Why don't you and your sister go toss the football 224 00:09:48,175 --> 00:09:50,260 or something? - Fine. 225 00:09:50,260 --> 00:09:51,887 - I'm going to Angie's. 226 00:09:51,887 --> 00:09:53,722 - Don't ignore your phone. 227 00:09:53,722 --> 00:09:56,141 - It's not the phone I ignore. 228 00:09:56,141 --> 00:09:57,768 - Kids today. 229 00:09:57,768 --> 00:10:00,270 - In my land, they would have both been stoned by now. 230 00:10:00,270 --> 00:10:01,939 - That's right. 231 00:10:01,939 --> 00:10:04,274 You French kids start drinking early, don't you? 232 00:10:04,274 --> 00:10:06,985 - Wayne, remember our surprise. 233 00:10:06,985 --> 00:10:08,403 - Oh, sure. 234 00:10:08,403 --> 00:10:09,738 Be right back. 235 00:10:12,282 --> 00:10:15,369 - So now that I am deep in the bowels of the enemy, 236 00:10:15,369 --> 00:10:18,539 I will make it my mission to explode out a reeky, 237 00:10:18,539 --> 00:10:21,208 steaming vengeance, but how and when? 238 00:10:21,208 --> 00:10:23,377 Both: Ta-da! 239 00:10:23,377 --> 00:10:25,254 - Ah! Are you Catholic? 240 00:10:25,254 --> 00:10:27,005 - No, we're American. 241 00:10:27,005 --> 00:10:30,342 - Claude, you got here just in time for our town's 242 00:10:30,342 --> 00:10:33,637 100th birthday celebration, and it's tomorrow! 243 00:10:33,637 --> 00:10:36,348 - Ginny's in charge of the parade and the fireworks. 244 00:10:36,348 --> 00:10:38,350 - It's going to be some show. 245 00:10:38,350 --> 00:10:40,644 - Fireworks? Explosions? 246 00:10:40,644 --> 00:10:43,730 Large crowds? 247 00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,274 - We'll fix your room up, Claude. 248 00:10:45,274 --> 00:10:46,984 - You go ahead. 249 00:10:46,984 --> 00:10:49,444 I'll just be here innocently plotting and scheming. 250 00:10:49,444 --> 00:10:52,823 This is going to be easier than I thought. 251 00:10:52,823 --> 00:10:55,200 [chuckles] Stupid Americans. 252 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,995 They always leave their dynamite just lying around. 253 00:10:57,995 --> 00:11:02,040 [toy squeaking, dog barking] 254 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,917 Let me go! I kill you! 255 00:11:03,917 --> 00:11:05,586 Oh, stop. [laughing] Stop that. 256 00:11:05,586 --> 00:11:07,963 I cannot be murderous when I am being tickled. 257 00:11:07,963 --> 00:11:09,173 [giggling] 258 00:11:09,173 --> 00:11:10,549 I kill you! 259 00:11:10,549 --> 00:11:13,135 Stop it! [glass shattering] 260 00:11:14,094 --> 00:11:16,805 ♪ I've been working on my big bomb ♪ 261 00:11:16,805 --> 00:11:21,018 ♪ All the dead long night ♪ 262 00:11:21,018 --> 00:11:24,771 [thinking] Dear diary, my bomb is complete. 263 00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:27,566 Tomorrow I will get my revenge on these people 264 00:11:27,566 --> 00:11:29,318 who have been so nice to me. 265 00:11:29,318 --> 00:11:31,445 - Here's a soft pillow. 266 00:11:31,445 --> 00:11:33,113 - [thinking] How I hate them. 267 00:11:33,113 --> 00:11:34,865 Is it hypoallergenic? 268 00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:36,700 - Just like you asked. 269 00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:39,870 - Yes, thank you, evil, American, monster she-woman. 270 00:11:39,870 --> 00:11:43,498 - You French have such colorful words for everything. 271 00:11:43,498 --> 00:11:45,459 Oh, are you writing a book? 272 00:11:45,459 --> 00:11:48,795 - Yes, it is a book of humorous observations 273 00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,422 about small-town life, 274 00:11:50,422 --> 00:11:53,508 like the kind by your famous instigator of suicide, 275 00:11:53,508 --> 00:11:55,010 Garrison Keillor. 276 00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:56,929 - That's nice. Nighty-night now. 277 00:11:56,929 --> 00:11:59,223 - Nighty-night, nighty-night. 278 00:11:59,223 --> 00:12:02,351 Hello, gorgeous. 279 00:12:02,351 --> 00:12:03,810 - Hey! I want to talk to you. 280 00:12:03,810 --> 00:12:05,604 - [screams] I don't have a bomb. 281 00:12:05,604 --> 00:12:07,606 - You're not fooling me, kid. 282 00:12:07,606 --> 00:12:09,441 I know why you're here. 283 00:12:09,441 --> 00:12:11,610 - Is that so? 284 00:12:11,610 --> 00:12:12,736 Well... 285 00:12:12,736 --> 00:12:14,488 [ululating] 286 00:12:14,488 --> 00:12:17,241 - My parents brought you here just to make me look bad. 287 00:12:17,241 --> 00:12:19,326 - La la la la. 288 00:12:19,326 --> 00:12:21,036 - I can't compare to how cool you are. 289 00:12:21,036 --> 00:12:23,372 You're from France and all. I hate you. 290 00:12:23,372 --> 00:12:25,165 - Aw, really? 291 00:12:25,165 --> 00:12:26,833 I hate you too. 292 00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:29,044 - My dad thinks I should be playing football, 293 00:12:29,044 --> 00:12:30,754 but I don't want to do that. 294 00:12:30,754 --> 00:12:32,464 I'm good at other stuff-- 295 00:12:32,464 --> 00:12:35,467 secret stuff I've never even told my parents about. 296 00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:38,053 - You wish to lie with another boy of your gender? 297 00:12:38,053 --> 00:12:41,890 - No! I want to be a ventriloquist. 298 00:12:41,890 --> 00:12:43,433 - A what? 299 00:12:43,433 --> 00:12:45,060 - You know, a ventriloquist. 300 00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:47,104 I have a dummy. I make it talk. 301 00:12:47,104 --> 00:12:51,024 We tell jokes in front of big audiences and get big laughs. 302 00:12:51,024 --> 00:12:53,110 - That is a job? 303 00:12:53,110 --> 00:12:54,778 - Yes! 304 00:12:56,530 --> 00:12:59,283 - That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. 305 00:12:59,283 --> 00:13:03,203 Seriously, who is going to pay to see anyone do that crap? 306 00:13:03,203 --> 00:13:04,955 - But I'm good at it. 307 00:13:04,955 --> 00:13:07,207 I've been practicing with my new dummy. 308 00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:08,500 [laughing] Da-da-da-da! 309 00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:09,793 Little Jeff. 310 00:13:09,793 --> 00:13:11,336 Hiya, Claude. 311 00:13:11,336 --> 00:13:14,923 - That toy is possessed with a human spirit! 312 00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:16,591 I pound your face with a shoe, 313 00:13:16,591 --> 00:13:18,093 which is the worst thing you can do 314 00:13:18,093 --> 00:13:20,012 to someone in my country for some reason 315 00:13:20,012 --> 00:13:22,139 that no one has ever explained to anyone. 316 00:13:22,139 --> 00:13:24,099 - Hey, what's wrong with you? 317 00:13:24,099 --> 00:13:26,268 I'm sorry I said anything to you. 318 00:13:26,268 --> 00:13:29,146 This is gonna be a long summer. 319 00:13:29,146 --> 00:13:30,939 - Or a short one. 320 00:13:30,939 --> 00:13:32,733 Aah! 321 00:13:32,733 --> 00:13:34,735 Whew. It's only you. 322 00:13:34,735 --> 00:13:36,820 I thought you were Jessica Chastain. 323 00:13:36,820 --> 00:13:38,322 - Who's that? 324 00:13:38,322 --> 00:13:39,614 - She was the crazy bitch in The Help. 325 00:13:39,614 --> 00:13:40,949 What are you doing here? 326 00:13:40,949 --> 00:13:42,784 - I was, like, out with my boyfriend, 327 00:13:42,784 --> 00:13:44,161 now my ex-boyfriend. 328 00:13:44,161 --> 00:13:46,788 Ugh. I hate him. I wish he was dead. 329 00:13:46,788 --> 00:13:48,040 - Hmm. 330 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,459 Does he live within a 20-mile radius 331 00:13:50,459 --> 00:13:52,169 of tomorrow's parade? 332 00:13:52,169 --> 00:13:53,920 - Please don't tell Mom and Dad. 333 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,882 - The place where my lips once were is sealed. 334 00:13:56,882 --> 00:13:58,675 - They never liked him anyway. 335 00:13:58,675 --> 00:14:01,595 They think I have, like, bad taste in guys? 336 00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:05,265 - You? No. Don't be so hard on your-- 337 00:14:05,265 --> 00:14:08,393 - Mwah. 338 00:14:08,393 --> 00:14:10,145 Wow. 339 00:14:10,145 --> 00:14:13,273 I felt something just now. 340 00:14:13,273 --> 00:14:16,568 - Well, that was my detonator-- bomb, penis, nothing! 341 00:14:16,568 --> 00:14:18,779 - You're so funny. 342 00:14:18,779 --> 00:14:20,072 - Gracias? 343 00:14:20,072 --> 00:14:22,407 - And I love your French accent. 344 00:14:22,407 --> 00:14:24,201 - Cassidy, are you home? 345 00:14:24,201 --> 00:14:27,079 - Got to go. I'll love you till I die. 346 00:14:27,079 --> 00:14:31,166 - Stay within the 20-mile radius. 347 00:14:32,667 --> 00:14:35,420 - Good night, Cassidy. - Good night, Mom. 348 00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:38,006 - Good night, Kevin. - Good night, Dad! 349 00:14:38,006 --> 00:14:39,591 - Good night, Ginny! 350 00:14:39,591 --> 00:14:41,009 - Why are you screaming at me 351 00:14:41,009 --> 00:14:42,594 when I'm lying right next to you? 352 00:14:42,594 --> 00:14:43,720 - Sorry, honey! 353 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:44,846 - Good night, little Jeff! 354 00:14:44,846 --> 00:14:45,972 Good night, "ethery-diddy"! 355 00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:47,182 - Silence! 356 00:14:47,182 --> 00:14:50,727 Good night, bomb. 357 00:14:50,727 --> 00:14:53,730 [patriotic music] 358 00:14:53,730 --> 00:15:00,737 ♪ ♪ 359 00:15:00,737 --> 00:15:03,156 - Great job, Mom. 360 00:15:03,156 --> 00:15:05,575 - Thanks. And don't you two look nice. 361 00:15:05,575 --> 00:15:07,285 - Yeah, I got this shirt at the-- 362 00:15:07,285 --> 00:15:08,912 - Ah! It's almost time for the show to start. 363 00:15:08,912 --> 00:15:10,539 Kevin, do you know where Claude is? 364 00:15:10,539 --> 00:15:12,541 - No, Mom, I don't. 365 00:15:12,541 --> 00:15:15,210 "Claude. Claude. Where's Claude?" 366 00:15:15,210 --> 00:15:17,045 Everybody loves the French guy. 367 00:15:17,045 --> 00:15:18,505 - He was in the car with us. 368 00:15:18,505 --> 00:15:21,341 He had on this great French cologne. 369 00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:23,593 It smelled like sawdust and fertilizer. 370 00:15:23,593 --> 00:15:26,680 - Here we are! Almost there. 371 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,766 Nobody help or touch me, please. 372 00:15:29,766 --> 00:15:32,602 Also, please turn off all cell phones. 373 00:15:32,602 --> 00:15:34,813 - Claude, you look so patriotic. 374 00:15:34,813 --> 00:15:37,858 - Yes, it is patriotism is given me a glow in my heart 375 00:15:37,858 --> 00:15:39,359 and a pain in my neck. 376 00:15:39,359 --> 00:15:41,111 [neck cracks] Ow! 377 00:15:41,111 --> 00:15:43,822 - Ginny, the town square looks great. 378 00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:46,575 This event will be just the thing to turn around 379 00:15:46,575 --> 00:15:48,952 our town spirit and get me reelected, 380 00:15:48,952 --> 00:15:51,329 or you're fired. [laughing] 381 00:15:51,329 --> 00:15:53,790 Just kidding. Not really. 382 00:15:53,790 --> 00:15:58,420 - Mayor McEwen, this is Claude, our French exchange student. 383 00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:01,173 - Bonjour, Claude. Comment allez-vous? 384 00:16:01,173 --> 00:16:05,260 [continues speaking French] 385 00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:13,518 - Uh, ou est la toilette fromage? 386 00:16:13,518 --> 00:16:16,897 - [laughs] Oh, that's cute. 387 00:16:16,897 --> 00:16:18,982 Whoa! What the hell? 388 00:16:18,982 --> 00:16:21,026 - Holy crap! 389 00:16:21,026 --> 00:16:22,194 Pardon my French. 390 00:16:22,194 --> 00:16:24,362 - Hey, Ginny, nice shindig. 391 00:16:24,362 --> 00:16:26,281 A little low-key if you ask me. 392 00:16:26,281 --> 00:16:27,949 I mean, where's the eagle? 393 00:16:27,949 --> 00:16:29,910 Nothing says kick-ass like a flag 394 00:16:29,910 --> 00:16:31,828 with wings that go Americaw! 395 00:16:31,828 --> 00:16:33,121 - Americaw! 396 00:16:33,121 --> 00:16:34,748 - Americaw! - Americaw! 397 00:16:34,748 --> 00:16:35,874 - Americaw! 398 00:16:35,874 --> 00:16:38,376 - Americaw! - Ah! 399 00:16:46,134 --> 00:16:49,054 - Claude, these are our neighbors, the Andersons. 400 00:16:49,054 --> 00:16:51,181 Chet and Ev, this is Claude. 401 00:16:51,181 --> 00:16:52,891 - Nice to meet you, Claude. 402 00:16:52,891 --> 00:16:54,935 - You know, I usually don't like you Frenchies, 403 00:16:54,935 --> 00:16:57,646 but in your case, I'll make an exception. 404 00:16:57,646 --> 00:17:00,023 - Don't be an idiot. I hate the French. 405 00:17:00,023 --> 00:17:03,026 - Well, then we are gonna be simpatico. 406 00:17:03,026 --> 00:17:06,738 Ha. That's Mexican for "I wet your back, you wet mine." 407 00:17:06,738 --> 00:17:09,741 - Such a delightful racist. - [laughing] 408 00:17:09,741 --> 00:17:11,660 I like you. 409 00:17:14,913 --> 00:17:16,790 [laughing] 410 00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:19,751 - Way to set an example, Chet. Carl Zimmer. 411 00:17:19,751 --> 00:17:21,920 We're not all tea-bagging wing nuts like him, Claude. 412 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,297 - Yeah? And we're not all freedom-hating, Al-kissing, 413 00:17:24,297 --> 00:17:26,550 gunless lesbians like this guy. 414 00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:27,968 Americaw! 415 00:17:27,968 --> 00:17:30,470 - Please, can't you two get along? 416 00:17:30,470 --> 00:17:33,056 Very soon none of this will matter. 417 00:17:33,056 --> 00:17:34,641 Now, if you'll excuse me, 418 00:17:34,641 --> 00:17:37,352 I have to go to the little French boys' room. 419 00:17:37,352 --> 00:17:40,021 - Hurry back. You don't want to miss the show. 420 00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:42,941 - My show will leave a bigger impression. 421 00:17:42,941 --> 00:17:45,068 [laughs] 422 00:17:45,068 --> 00:17:48,071 [humming I've Been Working on the Railroad] 423 00:17:48,071 --> 00:17:51,992 ♪ ♪ 424 00:17:51,992 --> 00:17:54,202 Five minutes to blow time. 425 00:17:54,202 --> 00:17:55,996 I should totally tweet that. 426 00:17:55,996 --> 00:17:59,416 [gasps] Justin Bieber is going to be in Portland! 427 00:17:59,416 --> 00:18:02,043 - And in the centennial spirit, 428 00:18:02,043 --> 00:18:04,170 suits at Stan McEwen's Wide and Tall 429 00:18:04,170 --> 00:18:06,339 are on sale for $100. 430 00:18:06,339 --> 00:18:08,883 Supply is limited. Suits may have been pre-worn. 431 00:18:08,883 --> 00:18:12,929 Now, we have a very special guest here today, uh, somewhere. 432 00:18:12,929 --> 00:18:14,556 Right? 433 00:18:14,556 --> 00:18:17,684 - I don't know where he-- [gasps] There he is. 434 00:18:17,684 --> 00:18:19,311 Claude, up here. 435 00:18:19,311 --> 00:18:22,731 - A big hand for our new friend from France, everyone. 436 00:18:22,731 --> 00:18:26,067 [cheers and applause] 437 00:18:27,819 --> 00:18:29,404 - Hello. 438 00:18:29,404 --> 00:18:31,573 You don't know me from a hole in the ground, 439 00:18:31,573 --> 00:18:32,866 but get ready! 440 00:18:32,866 --> 00:18:34,701 Bye, now. T-T-F-U. 441 00:18:34,701 --> 00:18:38,038 - Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, our new friend. 442 00:18:38,038 --> 00:18:40,206 - Help! I'm being illegally detained 443 00:18:40,206 --> 00:18:43,001 by a large black man who is dressed very nicely. 444 00:18:43,001 --> 00:18:46,421 - You big silly. We have something for you. 445 00:18:46,421 --> 00:18:49,132 - Oh, good. I have something for you too. 446 00:18:49,132 --> 00:18:51,926 [laughing] You first. 447 00:18:51,926 --> 00:18:54,596 - America is a nation of foreigners, 448 00:18:54,596 --> 00:18:56,514 and you're our first legal one. 449 00:18:56,514 --> 00:18:59,392 And now Raul's Gardening Service 450 00:18:59,392 --> 00:19:03,271 would like to give you a 21-leaf-blower salute. 451 00:19:03,271 --> 00:19:05,190 [leaf blowers whirring] 452 00:19:05,190 --> 00:19:07,359 - That's why we're all here-- 453 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:09,944 to thank you and welcome you! 454 00:19:09,944 --> 00:19:12,030 [cheers and applause] 455 00:19:12,030 --> 00:19:14,032 - Hooray! 456 00:19:14,032 --> 00:19:17,035 [celebratory music] 457 00:19:19,788 --> 00:19:23,291 - You people are all so moronically cheerful. 458 00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:26,920 - Now, to help celebrate Claude's arrival, 459 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,882 put your hands together for American Idol season nine 460 00:19:30,882 --> 00:19:33,426 Hollywood round almost semifinalist, 461 00:19:33,426 --> 00:19:36,096 Ronny Huntingchurch! 462 00:19:36,096 --> 00:19:38,181 [cheers and applause] 463 00:19:38,181 --> 00:19:40,350 - Well, this is for you, Claude. 464 00:19:40,350 --> 00:19:45,522 ♪ A million years ago, when Columbus sailed the sea ♪ 465 00:19:45,522 --> 00:19:47,982 ♪ He hadn't planned on the place he'd land on ♪ 466 00:19:47,982 --> 00:19:50,193 ♪ Would still be brave and free ♪ 467 00:19:50,193 --> 00:19:54,698 ♪ We welcome the Irish, the Chinaman, and Jew ♪ 468 00:19:54,698 --> 00:19:59,077 ♪ But let me say, on behalf of the USA ♪ 469 00:19:59,077 --> 00:20:02,539 ♪ There's no better foreigner than you ♪ 470 00:20:02,539 --> 00:20:05,709 - [crying] Wait. I can't be crying. 471 00:20:05,709 --> 00:20:07,961 I must have shrapnel in my eye. 472 00:20:07,961 --> 00:20:11,131 - ♪ You're the quill in Jefferson's hand ♪ 473 00:20:11,131 --> 00:20:13,049 ♪ You're Patton at Custer's last stand ♪ 474 00:20:13,049 --> 00:20:15,593 ♪ George Washington's teeth, the great Toby Keith ♪ 475 00:20:15,593 --> 00:20:18,763 ♪ You put the "heart" in heartland ♪ 476 00:20:18,763 --> 00:20:23,393 ♪ And we say to you with pride soon to bust ♪ 477 00:20:23,393 --> 00:20:26,146 ♪ We pray to our God ♪ 478 00:20:26,146 --> 00:20:28,857 ♪ But it's in Claude ♪ 479 00:20:28,857 --> 00:20:34,988 ♪ That we trust ♪ 480 00:20:34,988 --> 00:20:37,866 [cheers and applause] 481 00:20:37,866 --> 00:20:39,701 - You--you trust me? 482 00:20:39,701 --> 00:20:41,161 What a fatwa. 483 00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:42,871 The guys have it all wrong. 484 00:20:42,871 --> 00:20:45,707 You are the best infidels ever. 485 00:20:45,707 --> 00:20:48,168 Where I am from, no one is nice. 486 00:20:48,168 --> 00:20:51,212 They stay in their caves, knee-deep in camel poop, 487 00:20:51,212 --> 00:20:54,591 covering their wives so they look like Pac-Man ghosts. 488 00:20:54,591 --> 00:20:56,009 - That's French for you. 489 00:20:56,009 --> 00:20:57,677 - I love this country. 490 00:20:57,677 --> 00:20:59,512 Life to America! 491 00:20:59,512 --> 00:21:02,640 [beeping] 492 00:21:04,517 --> 00:21:08,104 Oh! I'll be right back. 493 00:21:08,104 --> 00:21:09,314 That really hurt. 494 00:21:09,314 --> 00:21:12,025 - You'll get used to it. 495 00:21:12,025 --> 00:21:13,151 - [grunts] 496 00:21:13,151 --> 00:21:15,028 Where is that bomb? 497 00:21:15,028 --> 00:21:17,322 It's always in the last place you look. 498 00:21:17,322 --> 00:21:19,407 Ow! 499 00:21:19,407 --> 00:21:20,575 There you are. 500 00:21:20,575 --> 00:21:23,828 Huh? 501 00:21:23,828 --> 00:21:27,874 You actual, literal son of a bitch. 502 00:21:27,874 --> 00:21:30,210 No, no, no, no, that is not a squeaky bomb. 503 00:21:30,210 --> 00:21:32,045 Give me that bomb. 504 00:21:32,045 --> 00:21:35,089 I have to save the people I wanted to kill a minute ago. 505 00:21:38,051 --> 00:21:41,137 Oh. The things I have to do. 506 00:21:41,137 --> 00:21:44,224 Billy, look what I have for you. 507 00:21:44,224 --> 00:21:45,975 It's your favorite... 508 00:21:45,975 --> 00:21:47,560 femur. 509 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,229 Go get it, Bill! 510 00:21:49,229 --> 00:21:51,481 - [growling] 511 00:21:51,481 --> 00:21:53,233 [bionic sound effect] 512 00:21:53,233 --> 00:21:57,737 - [slowed down] Oh... 513 00:21:57,737 --> 00:22:00,698 no! 514 00:22:03,535 --> 00:22:07,413 Fuuuuuu-- 515 00:22:14,337 --> 00:22:15,964 Whew! That was close. 516 00:22:15,964 --> 00:22:17,632 [alarm blaring] 517 00:22:17,632 --> 00:22:19,634 That's a pretty big button. 518 00:22:24,597 --> 00:22:26,182 All: Ooh! 519 00:22:26,182 --> 00:22:31,354 - I bet this looks awesome from down there! 520 00:22:31,354 --> 00:22:32,605 [crowd gasps] 521 00:22:32,605 --> 00:22:35,149 - He really loves America. 522 00:22:35,149 --> 00:22:36,860 - I sure hope so. 523 00:22:38,152 --> 00:22:39,612 [crowd gasps] 524 00:22:39,612 --> 00:22:43,366 - America, I love you! 525 00:22:44,993 --> 00:22:47,912 Still love it. 526 00:22:47,912 --> 00:22:50,081 Loving it a little less. 527 00:22:58,172 --> 00:23:00,508 - I'm at Americaville General Hospital 528 00:23:00,508 --> 00:23:02,802 where an entire town is holding a vigil 529 00:23:02,802 --> 00:23:05,305 for someone they just met this morning... 530 00:23:05,305 --> 00:23:08,308 a brave little boy from France named Claude. 531 00:23:08,308 --> 00:23:09,726 - [ululating] 532 00:23:09,726 --> 00:23:10,852 Ah! 533 00:23:10,852 --> 00:23:12,395 La la la la! 534 00:23:12,395 --> 00:23:14,397 It's burning. 535 00:23:18,067 --> 00:23:20,570 - Doctor, is he gonna be okay? 536 00:23:20,570 --> 00:23:23,698 - Well, he displays no vital signs whatsoever. 537 00:23:23,698 --> 00:23:26,159 The technical term for that is "dead." 538 00:23:26,159 --> 00:23:27,952 [flatline tone humming] 539 00:23:27,952 --> 00:23:30,788 - Golly, that sounds serious. - Huh? 540 00:23:30,788 --> 00:23:32,415 [mumbles] 541 00:23:32,415 --> 00:23:33,625 - He's waking up. 542 00:23:33,625 --> 00:23:35,209 My boyfriend's waking up. 543 00:23:35,209 --> 00:23:38,838 - The wire that's blue will not hurt you. 544 00:23:38,838 --> 00:23:42,091 The wire that's red will make us dead. 545 00:23:42,091 --> 00:23:44,844 - Shh. I think he's trying to tell us something. 546 00:23:44,844 --> 00:23:48,932 - ♪ The bomb on the bus goes Bing, bang, boom ♪ 547 00:23:48,932 --> 00:23:50,975 ♪ Bing, bang, boom ♪ 548 00:23:50,975 --> 00:23:53,561 ♪ Bing, bang, boom, bing, bang, bang ♪ 549 00:23:53,561 --> 00:23:55,355 ♪ Bada, bada-bing, bing ♪ 550 00:23:55,355 --> 00:23:56,564 Hey, everybody! 551 00:23:56,564 --> 00:23:58,399 Oh, the pain! 552 00:23:58,399 --> 00:24:03,363 It's making me say things only sung at terrorist camp. 553 00:24:03,363 --> 00:24:04,906 - Well, that's the most 554 00:24:04,906 --> 00:24:07,659 we can expect from him right now, I'm afraid. 555 00:24:07,659 --> 00:24:10,495 - We should leave him now. He needs his rest. 556 00:24:10,495 --> 00:24:12,246 - Mom, I guess you'll need someone to take 557 00:24:12,246 --> 00:24:13,748 Claude's spot in the parade. 558 00:24:13,748 --> 00:24:15,416 I've been working on something. 559 00:24:15,416 --> 00:24:16,668 - Parade? 560 00:24:16,668 --> 00:24:18,628 I can be in a real American parade 561 00:24:18,628 --> 00:24:21,047 where people wait all night to get great seats 562 00:24:21,047 --> 00:24:22,507 to watch other people walk? 563 00:24:22,507 --> 00:24:24,968 Count me in! 564 00:24:24,968 --> 00:24:26,427 Sorry. 565 00:24:26,427 --> 00:24:29,055 - Hmm. I thought you were dead. 566 00:24:29,055 --> 00:24:30,473 - It's a miracle. 567 00:24:30,473 --> 00:24:32,183 - Aah! 568 00:24:32,183 --> 00:24:36,771 I declare this centennial parade started! 569 00:24:36,771 --> 00:24:39,774 [marching band music] 570 00:24:39,774 --> 00:24:44,487 ♪ ♪ 571 00:24:44,487 --> 00:24:46,698 - Look what you did, Claude. 572 00:24:46,698 --> 00:24:48,783 - You've inspired the entire town. 573 00:24:48,783 --> 00:24:50,201 - Thank you. 574 00:24:50,201 --> 00:24:52,453 I don't have to blow up again, do I? 575 00:24:52,453 --> 00:24:54,205 - Congratulations, Claude. 576 00:24:54,205 --> 00:24:55,832 In the words of Michelle Obama, 577 00:24:55,832 --> 00:24:57,875 "For the first time in my adult lifetime, 578 00:24:57,875 --> 00:25:00,169 I'm really proud of my country." 579 00:25:00,169 --> 00:25:02,088 - Yes, we heard her say that. 580 00:25:02,088 --> 00:25:03,965 That is when we recruited her. 581 00:25:03,965 --> 00:25:06,092 - She is a true American. 582 00:25:06,092 --> 00:25:08,720 - Yes, and her hair is actually straight. 583 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:13,558 - Son, you're the real hero, 2100/0 American. 584 00:25:13,558 --> 00:25:15,435 - You people suck at mathematics. 585 00:25:15,435 --> 00:25:16,728 I love it. 586 00:25:16,728 --> 00:25:18,855 - Claude, Dave Chester, CNN. 587 00:25:18,855 --> 00:25:21,149 - CNN? I love you guys. 588 00:25:21,149 --> 00:25:23,651 You're the Borders Books of cable networks. 589 00:25:23,651 --> 00:25:25,611 - Claude, you've only been here two days, 590 00:25:25,611 --> 00:25:28,573 and you've already been hit by a truck, gotten blown up, 591 00:25:28,573 --> 00:25:30,950 rolled down a hill in a fiery Dumpster... 592 00:25:30,950 --> 00:25:32,577 - And I've tried curly fries. 593 00:25:32,577 --> 00:25:34,579 - So how do you like our country? 594 00:25:34,579 --> 00:25:37,957 - Well, I'm in America, so I won't tell you how I feel. 595 00:25:37,957 --> 00:25:41,544 I will sing, just like those 30-year-old teenagers 596 00:25:41,544 --> 00:25:44,672 on that bafflingly beloved TV show Glee. 597 00:25:44,672 --> 00:25:46,883 I love to hate-watch it. 598 00:25:46,883 --> 00:25:48,259 [soft piano note] 599 00:25:48,259 --> 00:25:50,928 ♪ When I was merely four years old ♪ 600 00:25:50,928 --> 00:25:53,181 ♪ There was nothing I thought greater ♪ 601 00:25:53,181 --> 00:25:55,892 ♪ Than to turn this nation you call home ♪ 602 00:25:55,892 --> 00:25:59,103 ♪ Into a giant smoking crater ♪ 603 00:25:59,103 --> 00:26:02,190 ♪ But like Miley Cyrus and her bong ♪ 604 00:26:02,190 --> 00:26:04,859 ♪ Or Brett Favre texting all night long ♪ 605 00:26:04,859 --> 00:26:07,612 ♪ Or Mitt Romney's awful sing-along-- ♪ 606 00:26:07,612 --> 00:26:09,572 - ♪ Jimmy crack corn, and I don't care ♪ 607 00:26:09,572 --> 00:26:12,325 - ♪ I was wrong, I was wrong I was wrong ♪ 608 00:26:12,325 --> 00:26:14,243 ♪ I was wrong, I see no drone ♪ 609 00:26:14,243 --> 00:26:16,037 ♪ Yes, I was wrong, Obama phone ♪ 610 00:26:16,037 --> 00:26:17,622 ♪ And so unconscious and half dead ♪ 611 00:26:17,622 --> 00:26:19,123 ♪ I wrote this song ♪ 612 00:26:19,123 --> 00:26:20,708 ♪ You folks are quite easily suckered ♪ 613 00:26:20,708 --> 00:26:22,585 ♪ But your heart's where it belongs ♪ 614 00:26:22,585 --> 00:26:24,754 ♪ I don't know why I can't deny that I was wrong ♪ 615 00:26:24,754 --> 00:26:27,006 ♪ Running water, Girls Gone Wild ♪ 616 00:26:27,006 --> 00:26:29,050 ♪ No bombs strapped to any child ♪ 617 00:26:29,050 --> 00:26:31,052 - Ah! - ♪ I find I am beguiled ♪ 618 00:26:31,052 --> 00:26:32,970 - Americaw! - Yeah, what he said. 619 00:26:32,970 --> 00:26:34,764 ♪ So much food you throw away ♪ 620 00:26:34,764 --> 00:26:36,682 ♪ So much TV filled with gay ♪ 621 00:26:36,682 --> 00:26:39,393 ♪ I love you, Project Runway, so I canceled my fatwa ♪ 622 00:26:39,393 --> 00:26:41,145 ♪ 'Cause I was wrong ♪ 623 00:26:41,145 --> 00:26:42,772 - ♪ Oh, he was wrong ♪ - ♪ Yes, I was wrong ♪ 624 00:26:42,772 --> 00:26:44,357 - ♪ So very wrong ♪ 625 00:26:44,357 --> 00:26:45,775 - ♪ About America, I say that I was-- ♪ 626 00:26:45,775 --> 00:26:47,151 all: ♪ Wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ 627 00:26:47,151 --> 00:26:48,569 - ♪ When I look across your faces ♪ 628 00:26:48,569 --> 00:26:50,196 ♪ Be they Wilson, Berg, or Chong ♪ 629 00:26:50,196 --> 00:26:53,116 ♪ I must admit I am a twit, and I was wrong ♪ 630 00:26:53,116 --> 00:26:55,618 ♪ Oh, I'll miss my friend the sniper ♪ 631 00:26:55,618 --> 00:26:57,495 [gunshot] 632 00:26:57,495 --> 00:26:59,622 ♪ And my flea-infested cave ♪ 633 00:26:59,622 --> 00:27:01,749 ♪ I'll sort of miss my second chance ♪ 634 00:27:01,749 --> 00:27:04,210 ♪ To have an early grave ♪ 635 00:27:04,210 --> 00:27:06,796 ♪ But even though you're filled with sin ♪ 636 00:27:06,796 --> 00:27:09,423 ♪ Like Blind Side, you all took me in ♪ 637 00:27:09,423 --> 00:27:13,594 ♪ A foreigner who has no skin ♪ 638 00:27:13,594 --> 00:27:14,971 - Ah. 639 00:27:14,971 --> 00:27:17,181 - Get away from him! He's mine! 640 00:27:17,181 --> 00:27:20,434 - ♪ I was wrong, I was wrong, I was wrong ♪ 641 00:27:20,434 --> 00:27:21,978 ♪ Yes, you're dim and rather simple ♪ 642 00:27:21,978 --> 00:27:23,771 ♪ And you shouldn't wear a thong ♪ 643 00:27:23,771 --> 00:27:25,940 ♪ But it's clear I shall stay here ♪ 644 00:27:25,940 --> 00:27:29,152 ♪ For I was wrong, wrong, wrong ♪ 645 00:27:29,152 --> 00:27:31,946 ♪ Yes, it is clear I shall stay here ♪ 646 00:27:31,946 --> 00:27:34,907 ♪ Where I belong ♪ 647 00:27:34,907 --> 00:27:37,785 - All right, you can do it just this once. 648 00:27:37,785 --> 00:27:39,495 - Americaw! 649 00:27:39,495 --> 00:27:42,498 [heartfelt music] 650 00:27:42,498 --> 00:27:50,506 ♪ ♪ 651 00:27:57,138 --> 00:27:59,557 Good night, Ginny. - Good night, Claude. 652 00:27:59,557 --> 00:28:02,059 - Good night, Wayne. - Good night, Claude. 653 00:28:02,059 --> 00:28:04,729 - Good night, Cassidy. - Good night, Claude. 654 00:28:04,729 --> 00:28:07,481 - Good night, Kevin. - Good night, Claude. 655 00:28:07,481 --> 00:28:10,276 - Good night, Kevin's creepy, dead-eyed boy doll. 656 00:28:10,276 --> 00:28:11,652 - Shut "ut"! 657 00:28:11,652 --> 00:28:15,531 - Okay. Good night, America. 658 00:28:18,868 --> 00:28:21,204 [engine revving] 659 00:28:21,204 --> 00:28:24,165 - Chet, you're gonna crash this thing! 660 00:28:24,165 --> 00:28:27,043 - We're already late, thanks to you. 661 00:28:27,043 --> 00:28:30,296 [patriotic music] 662 00:28:30,296 --> 00:28:33,007 [tires screech] 663 00:28:33,007 --> 00:28:34,717 Will you hurry up? 664 00:28:34,717 --> 00:28:37,303 - Well, I'm sorry. My flip-flop blew out. 665 00:28:37,303 --> 00:28:39,096 - Well, then you're gonna be left behind. 666 00:28:39,096 --> 00:28:42,892 I want to make sure Claude sees me cheering him on. 667 00:28:42,892 --> 00:28:45,019 Hey, there, Carl. Nice view, huh? 668 00:28:45,019 --> 00:28:46,354 - It's all right. 669 00:28:46,354 --> 00:28:47,563 - So, uh... [clears throat] 670 00:28:47,563 --> 00:28:48,898 Any room up there for-- 671 00:28:48,898 --> 00:28:50,358 - No. No, Chet, not really. 672 00:28:50,358 --> 00:28:51,901 I've been waiting here all morning. 673 00:28:51,901 --> 00:28:53,653 - Look, can you help a friend out? 674 00:28:53,653 --> 00:28:55,947 - I could help you, but then you'd come to depend 675 00:28:55,947 --> 00:28:58,616 on that help, like a welfare queen. 676 00:28:58,616 --> 00:29:01,494 - God dang it. [mumbling] 677 00:29:01,494 --> 00:29:03,120 - Hey, uh, boss, check it out. 678 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:06,582 It has dual quad carbs like an original muscle car, 679 00:29:06,582 --> 00:29:08,459 but I designed it to sit on a chassis 680 00:29:08,459 --> 00:29:10,002 of our existing midsize, 681 00:29:10,002 --> 00:29:11,671 so you'd only have to make a few tweaks 682 00:29:11,671 --> 00:29:13,839 on the assembly line to-- - Yeah, yeah, whatever. 683 00:29:13,839 --> 00:29:15,925 You think maybe later I could have my picture taken 684 00:29:15,925 --> 00:29:17,426 with the French kid? 685 00:29:17,426 --> 00:29:18,928 - Sure, but maybe then can you look at the-- 686 00:29:18,928 --> 00:29:20,554 - I'll definitely think about it, Wayne. 687 00:29:20,554 --> 00:29:23,224 Can we Photoshop Claude in with the CEO, do you think? 688 00:29:23,224 --> 00:29:24,809 - I guess. - Yeah, great, great. 689 00:29:24,809 --> 00:29:27,186 I got to pee. 690 00:29:27,186 --> 00:29:30,481 - Good afternoon, everyone. I'm Mayor Stan McEwen. 691 00:29:30,481 --> 00:29:32,358 I'm not sure what we're in store for today, 692 00:29:32,358 --> 00:29:34,527 but I know it will be special. 693 00:29:34,527 --> 00:29:36,195 It is my honor 694 00:29:36,195 --> 00:29:38,781 to present the chairwoman of my reelection campaign, 695 00:29:38,781 --> 00:29:40,574 Mrs. Ginny Wilson. 696 00:29:40,574 --> 00:29:42,743 [light applause] - Hello, everyone. 697 00:29:42,743 --> 00:29:44,620 I know you're waiting for the main event, 698 00:29:44,620 --> 00:29:46,956 so I'll just read from these prepared remarks 699 00:29:46,956 --> 00:29:49,041 written by our special guest. 700 00:29:49,041 --> 00:29:52,712 "Good afternoon, my cherished new American fiends." 701 00:29:52,712 --> 00:29:54,463 - Friends! Friends! 702 00:29:54,463 --> 00:29:57,883 - Sorry. Wha--it--it says "fiends" here. 703 00:29:57,883 --> 00:30:01,512 - [chuckles nervously] That is a typo and not a Freudian slip 704 00:30:01,512 --> 00:30:03,556 reflecting something I used to believe 705 00:30:03,556 --> 00:30:05,641 with every fiber of my being. Go on. 706 00:30:05,641 --> 00:30:07,435 - "I hope you will appreciate 707 00:30:07,435 --> 00:30:09,312 the wonderful surprise I hate for you." 708 00:30:09,312 --> 00:30:10,646 [crowd gasps] - Have. 709 00:30:10,646 --> 00:30:12,189 - "And I hope it will kill you." 710 00:30:12,189 --> 00:30:13,983 - Thrill. More typos. 711 00:30:13,983 --> 00:30:15,860 Stupid AutoCorrect. 712 00:30:15,860 --> 00:30:18,446 Am I right? 713 00:30:18,446 --> 00:30:19,864 Maybe we should skip. 714 00:30:19,864 --> 00:30:21,365 - Right, right. 715 00:30:21,365 --> 00:30:23,576 Well, clearly I'm not very good at this, 716 00:30:23,576 --> 00:30:25,494 so let me hand over the program 717 00:30:25,494 --> 00:30:27,580 to the reason we're all here today, 718 00:30:27,580 --> 00:30:30,082 Americaville's new favorite son, 719 00:30:30,082 --> 00:30:34,003 your friend and mine, Claude! 720 00:30:34,003 --> 00:30:35,546 [cheers and applause] 721 00:30:35,546 --> 00:30:38,549 [rock version of America the Beautiful] 722 00:30:38,549 --> 00:30:46,557 ♪ ♪ 723 00:30:55,483 --> 00:30:58,194 [bike crashes, man screams] 724 00:31:01,364 --> 00:31:04,617 - Thank you! You are too kind. 725 00:31:04,617 --> 00:31:05,826 Okay. 726 00:31:05,826 --> 00:31:07,244 If I could have-- 727 00:31:07,244 --> 00:31:10,206 Thank you. Really, this is too much. 728 00:31:10,206 --> 00:31:13,876 Thank you. If--Silence! 729 00:31:13,876 --> 00:31:15,961 [feedback whines] 730 00:31:15,961 --> 00:31:17,880 I've had some time to reflect 731 00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,883 on what you wonderful people in this wonderful town 732 00:31:20,883 --> 00:31:23,511 in this wonderful country mean to me. 733 00:31:23,511 --> 00:31:26,055 And today I, Claude, from France, 734 00:31:26,055 --> 00:31:28,307 want to pay you back for the hospitality 735 00:31:28,307 --> 00:31:29,642 you have shown me, 736 00:31:29,642 --> 00:31:31,769 to thank not just the Wilson family. 737 00:31:31,769 --> 00:31:33,771 Give them a hand. [applause] 738 00:31:33,771 --> 00:31:35,731 There they are. 739 00:31:35,731 --> 00:31:38,651 Very nice. 740 00:31:38,651 --> 00:31:41,821 Cassidy, please, don't get hooked on me. 741 00:31:41,821 --> 00:31:44,824 Choose one of the many idiot boys in this town. 742 00:31:44,824 --> 00:31:47,076 And, Kevin, I like you. I really do. 743 00:31:47,076 --> 00:31:48,994 Put down that stupid dummy. 744 00:31:48,994 --> 00:31:52,665 You will never get girls as long as you have that thing. 745 00:31:54,083 --> 00:31:56,585 Anyway, I am so grateful to all of you 746 00:31:56,585 --> 00:31:59,422 that I have decided to present you with a gift, 747 00:31:59,422 --> 00:32:02,716 much as you Americans were given the Statue of Liberty 748 00:32:02,716 --> 00:32:04,635 by my country of France-- 749 00:32:04,635 --> 00:32:06,887 France being the place I am from and no place else. 750 00:32:06,887 --> 00:32:10,099 Here it is! 751 00:32:10,099 --> 00:32:12,852 - Hey, that's just Big Rock Rock. 752 00:32:12,852 --> 00:32:14,687 Hmm. - Yes... 753 00:32:14,687 --> 00:32:17,565 But thanks to my talents in explosives, 754 00:32:17,565 --> 00:32:20,234 talents which I learned along with every other 755 00:32:20,234 --> 00:32:23,404 French school boy in France, the land of my birth, 756 00:32:23,404 --> 00:32:25,406 I present to you... 757 00:32:25,406 --> 00:32:29,243 Mount America Foreverberg! 758 00:32:29,243 --> 00:32:32,538 [cheers and applause] 759 00:32:32,538 --> 00:32:36,292 These are your four greatest American icons-- 760 00:32:36,292 --> 00:32:39,211 billionaire wig model Donald Trump... 761 00:32:39,211 --> 00:32:42,131 professional man-hater Taylor Swift... 762 00:32:42,131 --> 00:32:45,593 tiny ageless weirdo Tom Cruise... 763 00:32:45,593 --> 00:32:50,097 and famed drug lord Lance Armstrong! 764 00:32:50,097 --> 00:32:52,766 - I'm getting a hankering for the full-on salute. 765 00:32:52,766 --> 00:32:55,728 - Oh. So you still do get those? 766 00:32:55,728 --> 00:32:58,230 - Tom Cruise starred in one of my favorite films, 767 00:32:58,230 --> 00:32:59,690 Jerry Maguire. 768 00:32:59,690 --> 00:33:01,901 I got misty when Renee Zellweger dumped him. 769 00:33:01,901 --> 00:33:05,821 - Thanks for the spoiler, jerk. I haven't watched it yet. 770 00:33:05,821 --> 00:33:08,741 [cheers and applause] - We love you! 771 00:33:08,741 --> 00:33:10,451 - Way to go. - You're the best, Achmed. 772 00:33:11,327 --> 00:33:14,497 - My American dream has come true. 773 00:33:14,497 --> 00:33:18,000 I believe I can safely say, with no fear of being 774 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,419 ironically contradicted, that nothing, 775 00:33:20,419 --> 00:33:23,547 I mean nothing, can ruin this golden moment. 776 00:33:23,547 --> 00:33:26,759 - Hello, Achmed. 777 00:33:26,759 --> 00:33:29,011 - Holy crap. 778 00:33:29,011 --> 00:33:34,058 - United States Americans, my name is Hassan al-Hassan. 779 00:33:34,058 --> 00:33:35,893 - Hey, that there's a terrorist. 780 00:33:35,893 --> 00:33:37,186 - Nice going, Chet. 781 00:33:37,186 --> 00:33:38,938 Just because he has an Arabic name, 782 00:33:38,938 --> 00:33:41,023 he's automatically a terrorist. 783 00:33:41,023 --> 00:33:42,650 - I am a terrorist. 784 00:33:42,650 --> 00:33:46,028 - Welcome to America. 785 00:33:46,028 --> 00:33:48,489 - This person is a traitor! 786 00:33:48,489 --> 00:33:52,952 Achmed's name isn't Claude. Achmed's name is Achmed. 787 00:33:52,952 --> 00:33:54,078 - It is? 788 00:33:54,078 --> 00:33:57,206 - And he is a terrorist. - He is? 789 00:33:57,206 --> 00:33:59,208 - And he is a skeleton. 790 00:33:59,208 --> 00:34:00,584 - He is? 791 00:34:00,584 --> 00:34:02,670 - A rer-rere-ton? - I am? 792 00:34:02,670 --> 00:34:06,382 - Yeah, but if his name is Achmed, then where's Claude? 793 00:34:06,382 --> 00:34:09,385 [French accordion music] 794 00:34:09,385 --> 00:34:11,512 ♪ ♪ 795 00:34:11,512 --> 00:34:14,473 [crowd gasps] 796 00:34:14,473 --> 00:34:16,642 - Is what he said true? 797 00:34:16,642 --> 00:34:18,477 - No! Well... 798 00:34:18,477 --> 00:34:22,022 No, no, no, I'm no terrorist. I'm a nice guy. 799 00:34:22,022 --> 00:34:25,150 You know, the real me, production-number me. 800 00:34:25,150 --> 00:34:26,443 Remember my song? 801 00:34:26,443 --> 00:34:28,070 Everything you know about me 802 00:34:28,070 --> 00:34:30,698 says I'm a great guy and a true American. 803 00:34:30,698 --> 00:34:34,785 - Everything except this! 804 00:34:34,785 --> 00:34:37,288 I found this in his room. 805 00:34:37,288 --> 00:34:39,290 All his plans to blow us up are in here... 806 00:34:39,290 --> 00:34:43,043 and some weird drawings of him riding a flying horse? 807 00:34:43,043 --> 00:34:46,088 - It was a superhero character I was working on-- 808 00:34:46,088 --> 00:34:47,923 Turban Cowboy. 809 00:34:47,923 --> 00:34:49,633 It's turban time. 810 00:34:49,633 --> 00:34:52,886 Well, now that I hear it out loud... 811 00:34:52,886 --> 00:34:55,598 [all murmuring] 812 00:34:55,598 --> 00:34:57,057 Come on, guys. 813 00:34:57,057 --> 00:34:58,767 This is America, where if you're white, 814 00:34:58,767 --> 00:35:00,603 you can get away with anything. 815 00:35:00,603 --> 00:35:03,397 And there's nobody whiter than me. 816 00:35:03,397 --> 00:35:04,940 [all murmuring] 817 00:35:04,940 --> 00:35:06,609 - I know him. In my heart, it's not true. 818 00:35:06,609 --> 00:35:09,570 - Crazy. - What about my reelection? 819 00:35:09,570 --> 00:35:11,739 - I think he might be a terrorist. 820 00:35:11,739 --> 00:35:14,533 - Please, I beg you. Listen to me. 821 00:35:14,533 --> 00:35:16,952 - Are any of us what we really appear to be? 822 00:35:16,952 --> 00:35:18,621 - Daddy, maybe he is a terrorist. 823 00:35:18,621 --> 00:35:20,623 - If you would only listen. 824 00:35:20,623 --> 00:35:22,541 [all talking at once] 825 00:35:22,541 --> 00:35:24,209 Silence! I kill you! 826 00:35:24,209 --> 00:35:28,005 [crowd gasps] 827 00:35:28,005 --> 00:35:32,468 Is what a real terrorist might say. 828 00:35:32,468 --> 00:35:35,846 - I guess we should call the police. 829 00:35:35,846 --> 00:35:38,807 - Not necessary. I'm a deputy. 830 00:35:38,807 --> 00:35:40,142 - You bought that at a toy store. 831 00:35:40,142 --> 00:35:41,852 - I didn't buy this at no toy store. 832 00:35:41,852 --> 00:35:43,145 [gun cocks] 833 00:35:43,145 --> 00:35:44,855 I won it at a church raffle. 834 00:35:44,855 --> 00:35:47,816 Say your prayers, bonehead. 835 00:35:47,816 --> 00:35:50,527 [helicopter blades thrumming, sirens wailing] 836 00:35:53,322 --> 00:35:56,533 - This is FBI agent Jack Bauer. 837 00:35:56,533 --> 00:35:57,826 All: Ooh! 838 00:35:57,826 --> 00:35:59,578 - Not the one from TV. 839 00:35:59,578 --> 00:36:01,789 All: Aw! 840 00:36:01,789 --> 00:36:04,249 - It's my real name. It's fairly common. 841 00:36:04,249 --> 00:36:07,169 I get this all the time. Calm down. 842 00:36:07,169 --> 00:36:11,799 You have 24 seconds to surrender, starting now. 843 00:36:11,799 --> 00:36:13,926 [beeping] 844 00:36:13,926 --> 00:36:16,845 - Oh, no, I'm too pretty for prison. 845 00:36:16,845 --> 00:36:18,555 - Yes, you are. 846 00:36:18,555 --> 00:36:20,182 - Achmed, before you go, 847 00:36:20,182 --> 00:36:22,184 there's someone who wants to say something. 848 00:36:22,184 --> 00:36:25,604 You're a "dad" man! You should "de" ashamed. 849 00:36:25,604 --> 00:36:27,898 - That toy is possessed with a human spirit! 850 00:36:30,526 --> 00:36:34,279 - Foot bones, don't fail me now! 851 00:36:34,279 --> 00:36:37,157 - Stop it, Chet. You're gonna hurt somebody. 852 00:36:37,157 --> 00:36:41,120 - Freedom ain't free, Ev. 853 00:36:41,120 --> 00:36:42,913 [gun cocks] - Not so fast! 854 00:36:42,913 --> 00:36:45,958 I've got a Mexican, and I'm not afraid to use it. 855 00:36:45,958 --> 00:36:47,918 - I am not an "it." My name is Carlos. 856 00:36:47,918 --> 00:36:49,545 - This is not about you. 857 00:36:49,545 --> 00:36:52,381 Anybody makes a move, and I blow him. 858 00:36:52,381 --> 00:36:54,091 [insect abruptly stops chirping] 859 00:36:57,553 --> 00:37:00,222 With the leaf blower. 860 00:37:00,222 --> 00:37:02,391 I can't believe you all went there. 861 00:37:02,391 --> 00:37:04,059 I am so disappointed. 862 00:37:04,059 --> 00:37:06,895 Ah, screw it. 863 00:37:12,484 --> 00:37:16,405 Good-bye, Americaville. 864 00:37:16,405 --> 00:37:17,948 - Hello, traitor. 865 00:37:17,948 --> 00:37:19,408 - [muffled screams] Hassan! 866 00:37:24,788 --> 00:37:28,917 - It's day five of "America Made to Look Stupid." 867 00:37:28,917 --> 00:37:32,045 The little town of Americaville deals with the revelation 868 00:37:32,045 --> 00:37:35,466 that they've been harboring the known terrorist Achmed 869 00:37:35,466 --> 00:37:37,760 who lived among them in disguise. 870 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,511 Reaction to this story has come 871 00:37:39,511 --> 00:37:41,513 from across the political spectrum, 872 00:37:41,513 --> 00:37:43,390 with Democrats and Republicans 873 00:37:43,390 --> 00:37:45,934 finally finding common ground on something. 874 00:37:45,934 --> 00:37:49,646 Americaville, now known as Terrorist Town, USA, 875 00:37:49,646 --> 00:37:53,400 is the worst city in the entire United States. 876 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:54,902 - It's a town of pinheads, 877 00:37:54,902 --> 00:37:56,361 and the biggest pinheads of all 878 00:37:56,361 --> 00:37:58,280 are the family that harbored the terrorist. 879 00:37:58,280 --> 00:37:59,948 And they're the subject of my new book, 880 00:37:59,948 --> 00:38:01,450 Killing the Wilsons. 881 00:38:01,450 --> 00:38:04,411 - America is a country of laws and due process, 882 00:38:04,411 --> 00:38:05,746 but in the Wilsons' case, 883 00:38:05,746 --> 00:38:07,873 a drone strike is too good for them. 884 00:38:07,873 --> 00:38:09,500 - Are we even sure 885 00:38:09,500 --> 00:38:11,126 that Mr. Wilson is the father of this terrorist? 886 00:38:11,126 --> 00:38:12,961 [cheers and applause] 887 00:38:12,961 --> 00:38:16,089 - [chomping] 888 00:38:16,089 --> 00:38:17,591 Hmm? 889 00:38:17,591 --> 00:38:19,176 - Automaker U.S. Motors, 890 00:38:19,176 --> 00:38:22,137 where terrorist harborer Wayne Wilson once worked, 891 00:38:22,137 --> 00:38:24,890 announced today that, as a gesture of apology, 892 00:38:24,890 --> 00:38:26,809 they will close their Americaville plant, 893 00:38:26,809 --> 00:38:28,477 demolish it, burn the ruins, 894 00:38:28,477 --> 00:38:29,978 lock the ashes in a concrete vault, 895 00:38:29,978 --> 00:38:32,314 and bury the vault under Giants Stadium. 896 00:38:32,314 --> 00:38:34,900 - Would you mind if we turned that off? 897 00:38:34,900 --> 00:38:37,402 - Sorry. We're under orders to make you watch it 898 00:38:37,402 --> 00:38:39,780 and keep Tivo-ing back to the beginning. 899 00:38:39,780 --> 00:38:42,032 - And they're the subject of my new book, 900 00:38:42,032 --> 00:38:43,867 Killing the Wilsons. 901 00:38:43,867 --> 00:38:45,410 Killing the Wilsons. 902 00:38:45,410 --> 00:38:46,703 Killing the Wilsons. 903 00:38:46,703 --> 00:38:48,455 - So that's your testimony. 904 00:38:48,455 --> 00:38:51,708 You had no idea this fella was a terrorist or a skeleton? 905 00:38:51,708 --> 00:38:53,377 - No, we just liked him. 906 00:38:53,377 --> 00:38:54,962 - Okay, we're done here. 907 00:38:54,962 --> 00:38:56,672 - Thank you. 908 00:38:56,672 --> 00:38:58,882 Maybe we can go back to some version of our lives and-- 909 00:38:58,882 --> 00:39:00,300 - No, ma'am, you don't understand. 910 00:39:00,300 --> 00:39:02,427 I said we're done here. 911 00:39:02,427 --> 00:39:07,182 [bus beeps] 912 00:39:07,182 --> 00:39:09,601 - This is not the America I grew up in. 913 00:39:09,601 --> 00:39:11,270 - I advise you to be quiet. 914 00:39:11,270 --> 00:39:13,272 Anything you say may be used against you at trial. 915 00:39:13,272 --> 00:39:15,649 - [whispering indistinctly] - Oh, there won't be a trial. 916 00:39:15,649 --> 00:39:17,234 Uh, no worries, then. Here we go. 917 00:39:17,234 --> 00:39:20,028 [mariachi music] 918 00:39:20,028 --> 00:39:21,488 ♪ ♪ 919 00:39:21,488 --> 00:39:25,367 - My friends, today your new life begins, 920 00:39:25,367 --> 00:39:29,454 for just on the other side of this tunnel is America 921 00:39:29,454 --> 00:39:33,542 and your new Home... Depot parking lot. 922 00:39:33,542 --> 00:39:35,043 - Yes! 923 00:39:35,043 --> 00:39:37,504 Oh, we are finally out of that wretched place 924 00:39:37,504 --> 00:39:39,965 and away from those horrible people. 925 00:39:39,965 --> 00:39:44,303 But you guys have fun. Knock yourselves out. 926 00:39:44,303 --> 00:39:47,306 [mariachi music] 927 00:39:47,306 --> 00:39:49,975 ♪ ♪ 928 00:39:49,975 --> 00:39:53,145 - I can't believe the Wilsons just gave me up 929 00:39:53,145 --> 00:39:55,147 after all we meant to each other. 930 00:39:55,147 --> 00:39:56,523 I broke bread with them. 931 00:39:56,523 --> 00:39:58,650 I put a bomb in their guest room. 932 00:39:58,650 --> 00:40:00,819 - How could you let yourself be brainwashed 933 00:40:00,819 --> 00:40:03,280 by those infidels, after we spent so much time 934 00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:04,907 brainwashing you to hate them? 935 00:40:04,907 --> 00:40:07,743 - I guess I am just washable. 936 00:40:07,743 --> 00:40:09,620 - Soon this will all be over, 937 00:40:09,620 --> 00:40:12,789 and the decadent nation will only be a bitter memory. 938 00:40:12,789 --> 00:40:15,626 Two tickets for the Third World, please, first-class. 939 00:40:15,626 --> 00:40:17,920 - May the Wilsons rot in hell! 940 00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,631 I am glad I will never see them again. 941 00:40:20,631 --> 00:40:22,507 Wait. What's this? 942 00:40:22,507 --> 00:40:25,135 - There we see the escaped terrorist's accomplices 943 00:40:25,135 --> 00:40:26,428 being led away to prison. 944 00:40:26,428 --> 00:40:28,680 - Terrorist lovers, go home! 945 00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:31,016 Go back to another country! 946 00:40:31,016 --> 00:40:32,643 - They were not my accomplices. 947 00:40:32,643 --> 00:40:35,228 I was the mastermind of this fiasco. 948 00:40:35,228 --> 00:40:36,897 - If I could just say one thing... 949 00:40:36,897 --> 00:40:39,483 Claude, Achmed, wherever you are, 950 00:40:39,483 --> 00:40:41,693 if you can hear me... - I can! 951 00:40:41,693 --> 00:40:44,363 - We know you're really a nice boy, 952 00:40:44,363 --> 00:40:47,741 and we hope you're okay. 953 00:40:47,741 --> 00:40:49,409 - [bleep]! 954 00:40:49,409 --> 00:40:52,120 What? 955 00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:54,373 - The Wilsons are put onto the prison bus and... 956 00:40:54,373 --> 00:40:59,878 goooooooooal! 957 00:40:59,878 --> 00:41:02,589 - I can't let the Wilsons become the first innocent people 958 00:41:02,589 --> 00:41:04,800 ever wrongly imprisoned in America. 959 00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:07,302 Hassan, you must take me back there to help them. 960 00:41:07,302 --> 00:41:08,887 - You are insane. 961 00:41:08,887 --> 00:41:10,597 I wouldn't pay more attention to the shrieks 962 00:41:10,597 --> 00:41:12,474 of a rabid water buffalo. 963 00:41:12,474 --> 00:41:15,102 - Oh, yes, how is your wife? [laughs] 964 00:41:15,102 --> 00:41:18,480 Zing, boom! American put-down humor. 965 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:21,066 - For that, I should kill until you are dead. 966 00:41:21,066 --> 00:41:23,568 But she is fine. She's lost some weight. 967 00:41:23,568 --> 00:41:25,320 She's more cow than water buffalo. 968 00:41:25,320 --> 00:41:27,364 Anyway, come to your senses! 969 00:41:27,364 --> 00:41:30,951 Why do you want to go back to that devil-filled country? 970 00:41:30,951 --> 00:41:33,078 - All right, I will tell you. 971 00:41:33,078 --> 00:41:35,914 I want you to imagine a place where all are equal 972 00:41:35,914 --> 00:41:39,334 and all are welcome, no matter where you came from 973 00:41:39,334 --> 00:41:42,546 or who your father was or how much land you own. 974 00:41:42,546 --> 00:41:45,841 It's a place dedicated to the pursuit of happiness, 975 00:41:45,841 --> 00:41:49,302 where all the good things in life are spread before you. 976 00:41:49,302 --> 00:41:53,265 And it is your right to take as much as your heart desires. 977 00:41:53,265 --> 00:41:58,687 This place, my friend, is called HomeBound Buffet. 978 00:41:58,687 --> 00:42:00,439 And America is filled with them. 979 00:42:00,439 --> 00:42:03,358 Look! 980 00:42:03,358 --> 00:42:07,779 - These people-- they all seem so happy. 981 00:42:07,779 --> 00:42:10,949 - That's what unlimited buffet does for a nation. 982 00:42:10,949 --> 00:42:12,242 - Unlimited? 983 00:42:12,242 --> 00:42:14,828 Surely there must be some limits. 984 00:42:14,828 --> 00:42:16,121 - Nope. 985 00:42:16,121 --> 00:42:18,457 - All right, they serve dinner, yes, 986 00:42:18,457 --> 00:42:20,667 but surely not desert. 987 00:42:20,667 --> 00:42:25,047 - Bottomless frozen-yogurt bar with all kinds of toppings-- 988 00:42:25,047 --> 00:42:28,008 Oreo, Snickers, Cap'n Crunch. 989 00:42:28,008 --> 00:42:30,343 - Don't say Butterfingers. Don't say Butterfingers. 990 00:42:30,343 --> 00:42:32,220 - Butterfingers. 991 00:42:32,220 --> 00:42:35,182 - [gasps] I must go there at once. 992 00:42:36,808 --> 00:42:39,311 [grunting] Let me in! 993 00:42:39,311 --> 00:42:42,439 I must go to... Route 75, America, 994 00:42:42,439 --> 00:42:44,649 at the West Town Country Mall at once. 995 00:42:44,649 --> 00:42:47,277 - No! We have to save the Wilsons first. 996 00:42:47,277 --> 00:42:49,905 - Just a little fro-yo? - Okay. 997 00:42:49,905 --> 00:42:53,658 One standard serving of fro-yo, no more than two toppings. 998 00:42:53,658 --> 00:42:54,659 - Ooh, yay! 999 00:42:55,619 --> 00:42:56,787 - Let us in! 1000 00:42:56,787 --> 00:42:58,080 [siren wailing] - Hey, you. 1001 00:42:58,080 --> 00:42:59,372 Get away from there. 1002 00:42:59,372 --> 00:43:01,249 - Holy crap. It's the po-po. 1003 00:43:01,249 --> 00:43:04,086 That's the funny name they have for police in America. 1004 00:43:04,086 --> 00:43:05,504 - I love it. 1005 00:43:05,504 --> 00:43:08,215 - I said get out of here. No entry! 1006 00:43:08,215 --> 00:43:10,217 - But we have to save our friends. 1007 00:43:10,217 --> 00:43:12,344 The FBI thinks they are terrorists, 1008 00:43:12,344 --> 00:43:13,845 but they're not. 1009 00:43:13,845 --> 00:43:16,223 We are... 1010 00:43:16,223 --> 00:43:18,809 is what a bad person would say 1011 00:43:18,809 --> 00:43:21,394 in the scene from our new Broadway musical, 1012 00:43:21,394 --> 00:43:23,688 Les Mis Arabs. 1013 00:43:23,688 --> 00:43:24,981 Uh, got to go! 1014 00:43:24,981 --> 00:43:27,234 - Terrorists! After 'em! 1015 00:43:27,234 --> 00:43:29,486 [siren wailing] 1016 00:43:33,323 --> 00:43:36,827 - Achmed, I am so sorry. What do we do now? 1017 00:43:36,827 --> 00:43:38,495 - We do what Americans do. 1018 00:43:38,495 --> 00:43:40,122 - Eat? - No. 1019 00:43:40,122 --> 00:43:42,749 What Americans do when they run out of options. 1020 00:43:42,749 --> 00:43:44,459 - Throw a Hail Mary pass? 1021 00:43:44,459 --> 00:43:46,211 - Close. They pray. 1022 00:43:46,211 --> 00:43:49,464 - But we pray all the time, like, 38 times a day. 1023 00:43:49,464 --> 00:43:52,092 - No, no, we have to pray like Americans. 1024 00:43:52,092 --> 00:43:53,677 - How is that? 1025 00:43:53,677 --> 00:43:56,054 - They ask for things like sports victories, 1026 00:43:56,054 --> 00:43:59,057 no pregnancy, and celebrity side boob. 1027 00:43:59,057 --> 00:44:01,643 - What do we pray for-- side boob? 1028 00:44:01,643 --> 00:44:03,270 - No. A miracle. 1029 00:44:06,606 --> 00:44:09,442 [haunting chant] 1030 00:44:09,442 --> 00:44:11,862 ♪ ♪ 1031 00:44:11,862 --> 00:44:13,989 Aah! 1032 00:44:13,989 --> 00:44:15,282 - Side boob. 1033 00:44:15,282 --> 00:44:17,242 Aah! Aah! 1034 00:44:17,242 --> 00:44:19,119 [eagle screeches] 1035 00:44:19,119 --> 00:44:20,620 It's American. 1036 00:44:20,620 --> 00:44:23,165 - Yes, bald eagle, mighty American symbol, 1037 00:44:23,165 --> 00:44:25,542 who is the second-place choice after a turkey, 1038 00:44:25,542 --> 00:44:28,003 take us into America. 1039 00:44:28,003 --> 00:44:31,381 It's turban time! 1040 00:44:31,381 --> 00:44:34,384 [rock music] 1041 00:44:34,384 --> 00:44:42,142 ♪ ♪ 1042 00:44:57,866 --> 00:44:59,701 [eagle screeches] 1043 00:44:59,701 --> 00:45:02,913 [both screaming] 1044 00:45:07,083 --> 00:45:09,461 - We have live team coverage of the bus convoy 1045 00:45:09,461 --> 00:45:11,880 as it slowly makes its way down the main street 1046 00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:14,716 of Americaville and on to Guantanamo. 1047 00:45:14,716 --> 00:45:17,177 Let's go now live to our Madison Ashford, 1048 00:45:17,177 --> 00:45:18,803 who's embedded with the terrorist family 1049 00:45:18,803 --> 00:45:20,722 and their captors. 1050 00:45:20,722 --> 00:45:23,892 - Dave, I'm here with the terrorist sympathizers. 1051 00:45:23,892 --> 00:45:26,937 - We simply gave him a home. 1052 00:45:26,937 --> 00:45:28,563 - Confessed terrorist sympathizers 1053 00:45:28,563 --> 00:45:30,899 as they head to their well-earned imprisonment. 1054 00:45:30,899 --> 00:45:34,736 - There's no place like home. 1055 00:45:34,736 --> 00:45:36,947 - Another barrage of eggs has hit the bus. 1056 00:45:36,947 --> 00:45:39,282 That's why I'm in body armor. 1057 00:45:39,282 --> 00:45:41,243 - There's my Girl Scout leader 1058 00:45:41,243 --> 00:45:44,579 and my civics teacher. 1059 00:45:44,579 --> 00:45:46,581 - Well, who threw all those? 1060 00:45:46,581 --> 00:45:48,416 - Father O'Malley and Rabbi Weisman 1061 00:45:48,416 --> 00:45:51,503 are holding a slingshot for Imam Abdullah. 1062 00:45:54,256 --> 00:45:57,342 - Well, at least we helped bring some people together. 1063 00:45:57,342 --> 00:46:00,512 - Wilsons, if there's a hell, you're going to it. 1064 00:46:00,512 --> 00:46:02,013 - Hey, when this is over, 1065 00:46:02,013 --> 00:46:04,849 you guys want to walk into a bar? 1066 00:46:04,849 --> 00:46:07,852 [Americana music] 1067 00:46:07,852 --> 00:46:09,980 ♪ ♪ 1068 00:46:09,980 --> 00:46:12,899 - Oh. [chomping] 1069 00:46:12,899 --> 00:46:14,985 Oh! 1070 00:46:18,780 --> 00:46:21,366 Oh! I am so full. 1071 00:46:21,366 --> 00:46:23,535 I think America is going to mean death to me. 1072 00:46:23,535 --> 00:46:24,953 [laughs] 1073 00:46:24,953 --> 00:46:27,789 - Funny. That could be the title of your memoir. 1074 00:46:27,789 --> 00:46:31,042 - That's a little too on the nose for me. 1075 00:46:31,042 --> 00:46:33,837 I will ask the Wilsons what they think about it. 1076 00:46:33,837 --> 00:46:36,298 - The Wilsons! We've got to save them. 1077 00:46:36,298 --> 00:46:38,133 Hassan, we must leave now, 1078 00:46:38,133 --> 00:46:41,344 but stealthfully to avoid detection. 1079 00:46:44,597 --> 00:46:45,974 - How was your meal, gentlemen? 1080 00:46:45,974 --> 00:46:47,809 - Oh, it was perfect, so delicious. 1081 00:46:47,809 --> 00:46:49,436 But we have to go now. 1082 00:46:49,436 --> 00:46:50,729 - We're bringing out a new trough 1083 00:46:50,729 --> 00:46:52,022 of Butterfinger pieces. 1084 00:46:52,022 --> 00:46:54,274 - How very fattening of you. Thanks. 1085 00:46:54,274 --> 00:46:57,777 - Are they freshly crumbled? - You bet ya. 1086 00:46:57,777 --> 00:47:00,196 - Much as we'd like to gorge ourselves into an early grave, 1087 00:47:00,196 --> 00:47:02,198 we really have to go... now! 1088 00:47:02,198 --> 00:47:04,743 [both arguing in native language] 1089 00:47:04,743 --> 00:47:07,120 Charlie Sheen. [both continue arguing] 1090 00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:08,872 Bush. - Is something wrong? 1091 00:47:08,872 --> 00:47:11,166 - Oh, no, it's all hunky-dory. 1092 00:47:11,166 --> 00:47:12,667 What could be wrong? 1093 00:47:12,667 --> 00:47:14,336 We've had our ridiculously huge dinner, 1094 00:47:14,336 --> 00:47:16,212 burped and farted to our heart's content, 1095 00:47:16,212 --> 00:47:18,923 and now we're leaving, just like any other Americans-- 1096 00:47:18,923 --> 00:47:21,968 [gasps] 1097 00:47:21,968 --> 00:47:23,803 I look so young in that picture. 1098 00:47:23,803 --> 00:47:26,348 [guns cocking] 1099 00:47:26,348 --> 00:47:28,683 Holy crap. 1100 00:47:28,683 --> 00:47:31,853 [chuckles] Well, it looks like you've got us. 1101 00:47:31,853 --> 00:47:33,730 Oh, look, they're putting out more pizza bread. 1102 00:47:33,730 --> 00:47:36,608 All: Ooh! - Go! Go, go, go, go! 1103 00:47:48,870 --> 00:47:51,790 [bell dinging] 1104 00:47:58,046 --> 00:48:00,173 [chomping] 1105 00:48:00,173 --> 00:48:02,550 [burps] More sprinkles, please. 1106 00:48:02,550 --> 00:48:05,303 Oh, and some fresh bread. 1107 00:48:20,235 --> 00:48:24,697 - Wow. This country throws out so many cars. 1108 00:48:24,697 --> 00:48:26,282 It's fantastic! 1109 00:48:26,282 --> 00:48:27,909 - I know, right? 1110 00:48:27,909 --> 00:48:29,452 This is not good. 1111 00:48:29,452 --> 00:48:32,205 The Wilsons need me, and I've let them down. 1112 00:48:32,205 --> 00:48:34,916 The least I can do, in case we don't make it, 1113 00:48:34,916 --> 00:48:37,836 is write a note that clears them. 1114 00:48:37,836 --> 00:48:39,254 Can it be? 1115 00:48:39,254 --> 00:48:41,756 Hassan, how are you at building things? 1116 00:48:41,756 --> 00:48:43,842 - Not as good as blowing things up. 1117 00:48:43,842 --> 00:48:45,427 - That's going to have to change. 1118 00:48:45,427 --> 00:48:48,888 Grab that welding crap and come with me. 1119 00:48:48,888 --> 00:48:52,016 - What are we building? - You'll see! 1120 00:49:00,733 --> 00:49:02,610 - These are hurting my wrists. 1121 00:49:02,610 --> 00:49:05,989 - Sorry, ma'am. I'm under orders. 1122 00:49:05,989 --> 00:49:09,117 All right. 1123 00:49:09,117 --> 00:49:10,827 - You can do that? 1124 00:49:10,827 --> 00:49:12,745 - It's highly classified. 1125 00:49:12,745 --> 00:49:14,706 - So are you. 1126 00:49:14,706 --> 00:49:17,041 - I'm not sure you know what that word means, 1127 00:49:17,041 --> 00:49:18,877 but thank you. 1128 00:49:21,212 --> 00:49:25,133 - Ooh, Chris Matthews is going to get moist over this. 1129 00:49:27,177 --> 00:49:29,637 - Honey, ain't this the best anniversary present, 1130 00:49:29,637 --> 00:49:31,973 seeing our neighbors go to prison? 1131 00:49:31,973 --> 00:49:33,725 - Jewelry's nice. 1132 00:49:33,725 --> 00:49:35,685 - Hey, what song should I play now? 1133 00:49:35,685 --> 00:49:37,020 [snorts] 1134 00:49:37,020 --> 00:49:39,022 How about America, Eff Yeah, 1135 00:49:39,022 --> 00:49:40,857 from that Team America movie? 1136 00:49:40,857 --> 00:49:42,859 - That song is ironic, Chet. 1137 00:49:42,859 --> 00:49:45,487 - It ain't ironic if you don't get the joke. 1138 00:49:48,531 --> 00:49:50,116 - Ow! 1139 00:49:50,116 --> 00:49:51,826 That better be cage-free. 1140 00:49:51,826 --> 00:49:54,996 - Bite my justice, you arugula-eating left turd! 1141 00:49:54,996 --> 00:49:56,080 [laughing] 1142 00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:58,333 - Now, I know things look bad, 1143 00:49:58,333 --> 00:50:00,126 but we can't just give up. 1144 00:50:00,126 --> 00:50:01,920 We have to maintain hope 1145 00:50:01,920 --> 00:50:04,923 that something or someone can save us. 1146 00:50:04,923 --> 00:50:06,925 - That's right, kids. 1147 00:50:06,925 --> 00:50:08,927 We have to hope for something better 1148 00:50:08,927 --> 00:50:10,887 because that's what we do. 1149 00:50:10,887 --> 00:50:14,057 I don't know who will help us. It could be a stranger. 1150 00:50:14,057 --> 00:50:16,017 It could be someone who hasn't been born yet. 1151 00:50:16,017 --> 00:50:17,727 It could be-- 1152 00:50:17,727 --> 00:50:19,187 Flaming skull! 1153 00:50:19,187 --> 00:50:20,772 - Is that a superhero? 1154 00:50:20,772 --> 00:50:23,316 - No, it's a flaming skull! Look! 1155 00:50:23,316 --> 00:50:27,695 [engine revving] 1156 00:50:27,695 --> 00:50:30,657 - Greetings, infidels! 1157 00:50:30,657 --> 00:50:32,367 - It's Claude. 1158 00:50:32,367 --> 00:50:34,994 - My name is Achmed! 1159 00:50:36,454 --> 00:50:39,290 [tires squealing] 1160 00:50:41,125 --> 00:50:43,753 - [speaking French] 1161 00:50:46,256 --> 00:50:50,093 - Girl car! 1162 00:50:50,093 --> 00:50:52,845 Wiener substitute! 1163 00:50:52,845 --> 00:50:54,764 - Ah, hell, no. 1164 00:50:57,642 --> 00:50:59,143 - Leave him alone, Chet! 1165 00:50:59,143 --> 00:51:01,020 You're what's wrong with America! 1166 00:51:01,020 --> 00:51:03,356 - No! You're what's wrong with America! 1167 00:51:03,356 --> 00:51:04,649 Americaw! 1168 00:51:04,649 --> 00:51:08,695 - Gentlemen, you are both correct! 1169 00:51:08,695 --> 00:51:11,155 - Hey, what the-- Get out of my way! 1170 00:51:11,155 --> 00:51:12,448 - I hate you, Chet! 1171 00:51:12,448 --> 00:51:13,741 - Damn-- - I've always hated you! 1172 00:51:13,741 --> 00:51:15,034 - Turd car! 1173 00:51:15,034 --> 00:51:18,037 - Hey. 1174 00:51:18,037 --> 00:51:19,455 Oh. Sorry. 1175 00:51:19,455 --> 00:51:20,748 - No worries. 1176 00:51:20,748 --> 00:51:23,793 We've got Obamacare. 1177 00:51:23,793 --> 00:51:27,088 Hello, Wilsons! I love you! 1178 00:51:27,088 --> 00:51:28,548 - Whoa! 1179 00:51:28,548 --> 00:51:31,426 - Even you, you little backstabber! 1180 00:51:31,426 --> 00:51:33,303 - Thanks, Achmed. 1181 00:51:33,303 --> 00:51:36,306 - I still say he's a bad man! 1182 00:51:36,306 --> 00:51:39,017 - Someone has been practicing! 1183 00:51:39,017 --> 00:51:40,685 - Thanks! 1184 00:51:43,229 --> 00:51:48,693 - Great Hoover's pantyhose. What the hell? 1185 00:51:48,693 --> 00:51:50,945 - I am turning myself in. 1186 00:51:50,945 --> 00:51:52,322 - He's turning himself into a bomb. 1187 00:51:52,322 --> 00:51:54,782 - I think he said, "Turning myself in." 1188 00:51:54,782 --> 00:51:56,826 - When did you graduate from Quantico? 1189 00:51:56,826 --> 00:51:58,119 Prepare to fire. 1190 00:51:58,119 --> 00:52:01,080 - How is it going? 1191 00:52:01,080 --> 00:52:02,874 - Been better, been worse. 1192 00:52:02,874 --> 00:52:06,127 - Don't shoot! Please, hear him out. 1193 00:52:06,127 --> 00:52:09,881 - Ladies and gentlemen and big dangerous guns, 1194 00:52:09,881 --> 00:52:12,675 I came back to tell you that these wonderful people, 1195 00:52:12,675 --> 00:52:16,596 the Wilsons, do not deserve to be taken to prison. 1196 00:52:16,596 --> 00:52:18,723 I do. [all gasp] 1197 00:52:18,723 --> 00:52:21,643 - Wait, wait, wait. Why did we all just gasp? 1198 00:52:21,643 --> 00:52:23,269 We know he should go to prison. 1199 00:52:23,269 --> 00:52:24,562 - I don't know. 1200 00:52:24,562 --> 00:52:26,272 I feel kind of stupid about that now. 1201 00:52:26,272 --> 00:52:28,066 - It's true that I came here 1202 00:52:28,066 --> 00:52:29,942 with the intent of doing you harm, 1203 00:52:29,942 --> 00:52:31,778 but that is all over. 1204 00:52:31,778 --> 00:52:34,405 And the Wilsons had nothing to do with it 1205 00:52:34,405 --> 00:52:36,824 because they are decent, kind people, 1206 00:52:36,824 --> 00:52:39,160 like Americans everywhere. 1207 00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,162 - Let me know when you got the shot. 1208 00:52:41,162 --> 00:52:43,206 - Roger that. 1209 00:52:43,206 --> 00:52:47,126 - The Wilsons' only crime was seeing the best in me, 1210 00:52:47,126 --> 00:52:51,005 and my only crime was not seeing the best in them... 1211 00:52:51,005 --> 00:52:54,008 and plotting to blow up the whole town, yada, yada. 1212 00:52:54,008 --> 00:52:55,927 - If I may say a word or two. 1213 00:52:55,927 --> 00:52:58,846 - Of course, sir. Where's my kill shot, people? 1214 00:52:58,846 --> 00:53:00,223 - I don't see him. 1215 00:53:00,223 --> 00:53:02,517 Oh, wait. 1216 00:53:02,517 --> 00:53:04,560 That's better. We're clear. 1217 00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:06,437 Subject is in the target zone. 1218 00:53:06,437 --> 00:53:08,356 - On my command, in three... 1219 00:53:08,356 --> 00:53:09,774 - I'd like to say a few words 1220 00:53:09,774 --> 00:53:12,443 about this remarkable young man. 1221 00:53:12,443 --> 00:53:14,946 - Hey, whoever is playing with that laser pen out there 1222 00:53:14,946 --> 00:53:16,489 should really stop. 1223 00:53:16,489 --> 00:53:18,032 You could detach a retina. 1224 00:53:18,032 --> 00:53:19,325 - They're going to shoot him. 1225 00:53:19,325 --> 00:53:20,910 -..Two, one, f-- 1226 00:53:20,910 --> 00:53:23,204 - Sniper team, stand down! 1227 00:53:23,204 --> 00:53:24,789 - What-- Who is that? 1228 00:53:24,789 --> 00:53:26,582 - I said stand down! 1229 00:53:26,582 --> 00:53:28,710 That is a direct order! 1230 00:53:28,710 --> 00:53:30,461 This is General Charles McCarthy 1231 00:53:30,461 --> 00:53:32,338 of the United States Joint Command, 1232 00:53:32,338 --> 00:53:35,717 and I order you to stand down now! 1233 00:53:35,717 --> 00:53:37,135 That's better. 1234 00:53:37,135 --> 00:53:39,804 - It's a miracle. - Kind of. 1235 00:53:39,804 --> 00:53:42,890 - Now toss your weapons in that drainage ditch. 1236 00:53:45,017 --> 00:53:47,603 And let Mr. Wilson speak. 1237 00:53:47,603 --> 00:53:49,564 - Thank you, General McCarthy. 1238 00:53:49,564 --> 00:53:51,816 And thank you, son. 1239 00:53:53,609 --> 00:53:56,154 - [grunting] 1240 00:53:58,614 --> 00:54:00,825 - Why ain't they shooting him? He's right there. 1241 00:54:00,825 --> 00:54:02,577 - He's surrendering peacefully. 1242 00:54:02,577 --> 00:54:04,245 - Not in my America. 1243 00:54:04,245 --> 00:54:05,913 - Now, dear, this ain't right. 1244 00:54:05,913 --> 00:54:09,417 - Why can't you be more supportive of my hobbies? 1245 00:54:11,419 --> 00:54:13,421 - That is not good. 1246 00:54:17,925 --> 00:54:20,094 I can see my cave from here. 1247 00:54:20,094 --> 00:54:23,014 - Au revoir, you towel-headed French fry. 1248 00:54:23,014 --> 00:54:26,225 - Now, Chet! - Don't "now, Chet" me. 1249 00:54:26,225 --> 00:54:28,519 He got what he deserved. 1250 00:54:28,519 --> 00:54:30,772 You do good things, and you'll be rewarded. 1251 00:54:30,772 --> 00:54:33,941 You do bad things, and it's hasta la bye-bye. 1252 00:54:33,941 --> 00:54:36,569 [beeping] - Hiya, Chet. 1253 00:54:36,569 --> 00:54:38,279 - Save me, Sean Hannity! 1254 00:54:42,074 --> 00:54:45,369 - No! My fuel-efficient hybrid! 1255 00:54:45,369 --> 00:54:47,038 - My lower torso. 1256 00:54:49,123 --> 00:54:51,793 [triumphant music] 1257 00:54:51,793 --> 00:54:59,175 ♪ ♪ 1258 00:54:59,175 --> 00:55:01,427 - Anyway, you were saying. 1259 00:55:01,427 --> 00:55:04,639 - How can you still be alive? - I think I know. 1260 00:55:04,639 --> 00:55:08,142 Because the American dream burns within him. 1261 00:55:08,142 --> 00:55:10,645 - Actually, that's a piece of shrapnel. 1262 00:55:10,645 --> 00:55:12,230 But I feel you. 1263 00:55:12,230 --> 00:55:14,816 - This amazing young man, this skeleton-- 1264 00:55:14,816 --> 00:55:17,652 Yes, I admit now he is just a talking skeleton. 1265 00:55:17,652 --> 00:55:19,987 No offense. - Please. We're past that. 1266 00:55:19,987 --> 00:55:21,656 - He stays alive 1267 00:55:21,656 --> 00:55:25,827 because he believes in the America we all believe in, 1268 00:55:25,827 --> 00:55:28,871 a place where you can make a fresh start 1269 00:55:28,871 --> 00:55:30,748 no matter where you came from, 1270 00:55:30,748 --> 00:55:32,834 where you can arrive in this country 1271 00:55:32,834 --> 00:55:34,836 without a dollar in your pocket, 1272 00:55:34,836 --> 00:55:37,421 change your name, and make a new life. 1273 00:55:37,421 --> 00:55:40,132 It happened to someone you might have heard of, 1274 00:55:40,132 --> 00:55:43,678 someone named Miss Shania Twain. 1275 00:55:43,678 --> 00:55:45,304 [record scratches, all gasp] 1276 00:55:45,304 --> 00:55:47,598 - She's not American? - Canadian. 1277 00:55:47,598 --> 00:55:49,559 [all gasp] - No. 1278 00:55:49,559 --> 00:55:51,644 - Who's Shania Twain? 1279 00:55:51,644 --> 00:55:53,896 Both: I love Shania Twain. 1280 00:55:53,896 --> 00:55:55,773 You do? 1281 00:55:55,773 --> 00:55:59,861 - So, to quote one of Shania Twain's biggest hits-- 1282 00:55:59,861 --> 00:56:01,404 - Man! I Feel Like a Woman!? 1283 00:56:01,404 --> 00:56:02,697 - No. 1284 00:56:02,697 --> 00:56:04,365 Let's find a new spirit 1285 00:56:04,365 --> 00:56:06,659 of cooperation and forgiveness. 1286 00:56:06,659 --> 00:56:08,160 - That Don't Impress Me Much? 1287 00:56:08,160 --> 00:56:10,079 - Not that one either. I'm getting there. 1288 00:56:10,079 --> 00:56:12,081 Let's put our hearts together and-- 1289 00:56:12,081 --> 00:56:13,875 - Well, those were two of her biggest hits 1290 00:56:13,875 --> 00:56:15,167 according to Billboard's country-western charts-- 1291 00:56:15,167 --> 00:56:17,503 - Silence! You were saying? 1292 00:56:17,503 --> 00:56:19,881 - Let's make a new Americaville 1293 00:56:19,881 --> 00:56:25,011 and a new America from this moment on! 1294 00:56:25,011 --> 00:56:27,513 All: Aw! 1295 00:56:27,513 --> 00:56:30,349 - Okay, that was big too. 1296 00:56:33,394 --> 00:56:36,480 - Come here. 1297 00:56:39,066 --> 00:56:42,111 [romantic music] 1298 00:56:42,111 --> 00:56:45,323 ♪ ♪ 1299 00:56:45,323 --> 00:56:48,326 - I guess there's nobody for me to hug. 1300 00:56:48,326 --> 00:56:51,245 - Is this your stupid little annoying dog? 1301 00:56:51,245 --> 00:56:52,830 - Billy! - Billy? 1302 00:56:52,830 --> 00:56:54,832 I do not know who you're talking to. 1303 00:56:54,832 --> 00:56:56,334 My name is Claude. 1304 00:56:56,334 --> 00:56:58,961 - No, silly, the dog's name is Bill. 1305 00:56:58,961 --> 00:57:01,881 - You Americans give your dogs people names? 1306 00:57:01,881 --> 00:57:04,258 You are as dimwitted as you are boring. 1307 00:57:04,258 --> 00:57:06,510 - [gasps, shudders] 1308 00:57:06,510 --> 00:57:09,430 I think I just got shot with an arrow. 1309 00:57:09,430 --> 00:57:11,807 - Uh, you can all go home. Sorry about that. 1310 00:57:11,807 --> 00:57:13,184 - That's okay. 1311 00:57:13,184 --> 00:57:15,186 And Achmed is free to go too, right? 1312 00:57:15,186 --> 00:57:16,479 - Uh... 1313 00:57:16,479 --> 00:57:18,564 - No, I am a criminal after all. 1314 00:57:18,564 --> 00:57:20,983 I do not think there is a Shania Twain song 1315 00:57:20,983 --> 00:57:23,569 to help me escape paying my debt to society. 1316 00:57:23,569 --> 00:57:26,113 - No One Needs to Know is appropriate. 1317 00:57:26,113 --> 00:57:28,658 - Look! 1318 00:57:28,658 --> 00:57:31,452 - How do you like that? It's the President! 1319 00:57:31,452 --> 00:57:32,870 - Of the United States? 1320 00:57:32,870 --> 00:57:35,748 - Yes, the United States Motor Company! 1321 00:57:37,625 --> 00:57:40,503 - Uh, Mr. Ach-med, 1322 00:57:40,503 --> 00:57:42,880 I've just spoken to the Attorney General, 1323 00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:44,548 and based on my offer 1324 00:57:44,548 --> 00:57:47,259 to personally vouch for your renunciation of terrorism 1325 00:57:47,259 --> 00:57:48,886 and the fact that you never accomplished 1326 00:57:48,886 --> 00:57:50,471 anything destructive... 1327 00:57:50,471 --> 00:57:52,223 - It's true. He blows. 1328 00:57:52,223 --> 00:57:54,392 -...our government is prepared to grant you a full, 1329 00:57:54,392 --> 00:57:56,310 complete, and unconditional pardon. 1330 00:57:56,310 --> 00:57:58,187 - Yay! 1331 00:57:58,187 --> 00:58:00,690 - On one condition. - Boo! 1332 00:58:00,690 --> 00:58:03,359 - That you share with me the plans for that amazing car 1333 00:58:03,359 --> 00:58:05,069 that you just drove here today. 1334 00:58:05,069 --> 00:58:07,530 - My car? 1335 00:58:07,530 --> 00:58:10,324 - Yes, you've done the seemingly impossible. 1336 00:58:10,324 --> 00:58:12,952 You've created an American-made automobile 1337 00:58:12,952 --> 00:58:16,247 in America that Americans actually want to buy. 1338 00:58:16,247 --> 00:58:18,374 - It is a bad-ass ride. 1339 00:58:18,374 --> 00:58:20,626 - It's a deal. all: Yay! 1340 00:58:20,626 --> 00:58:22,294 - On one condition. 1341 00:58:22,294 --> 00:58:23,754 All: Boo! 1342 00:58:23,754 --> 00:58:26,007 - No, no, it's a good condition. 1343 00:58:26,007 --> 00:58:27,717 All: Yay! - Yay? 1344 00:58:27,717 --> 00:58:29,927 - The condition is you give credit 1345 00:58:29,927 --> 00:58:33,931 to the man who actually designed this car, Wayne Wilson. 1346 00:58:33,931 --> 00:58:35,641 - I thought that looked familiar. 1347 00:58:35,641 --> 00:58:37,143 - It should. 1348 00:58:37,143 --> 00:58:39,520 Hassan and I built it based on your drawing. 1349 00:58:39,520 --> 00:58:41,480 The flaming skull was me. 1350 00:58:41,480 --> 00:58:44,608 - Hey, everyone, Carl and I are opening a bed-and-breakfast. 1351 00:58:44,608 --> 00:58:45,985 Sorry, Ev. 1352 00:58:45,985 --> 00:58:47,820 - Well, I wondered when you were gonna 1353 00:58:47,820 --> 00:58:49,363 finally figure yourself out. 1354 00:58:49,363 --> 00:58:50,990 Go be happy. 1355 00:58:50,990 --> 00:58:53,659 Just leave me and Stan the beach house in Roanoke. 1356 00:58:53,659 --> 00:58:55,661 - Stan? - Good-bye! 1357 00:58:55,661 --> 00:58:58,581 I was a terrible mayor. 1358 00:58:58,581 --> 00:59:01,292 - This is the country you want to live in? 1359 00:59:01,292 --> 00:59:03,085 - There is not a better one. 1360 00:59:03,085 --> 00:59:04,837 - Then maybe you can be a reference 1361 00:59:04,837 --> 00:59:07,965 for my job application? 1362 00:59:07,965 --> 00:59:12,136 - Former terrorist log, love date 8/3/13. 1363 00:59:12,136 --> 00:59:14,555 I am now a citizen of Americaville. 1364 00:59:14,555 --> 00:59:16,557 It's a good life. 1365 00:59:16,557 --> 00:59:20,269 Wayne and Ginny have found their true calling. 1366 00:59:20,269 --> 00:59:24,273 The kids are having fun. 1367 00:59:24,273 --> 00:59:26,108 I've found a job where I can use my skills 1368 00:59:26,108 --> 00:59:28,903 and make people happy. 1369 00:59:28,903 --> 00:59:31,238 And once a week, we all get together 1370 00:59:31,238 --> 00:59:34,909 for a bountiful feast. 1371 00:59:38,370 --> 00:59:42,083 Yes, all in all, it's been one incredible year, 1372 00:59:42,083 --> 00:59:46,504 and the next one will be even better. 1373 00:59:46,504 --> 00:59:49,381 Good night, Wayne. - Good night, Achmed. 1374 00:59:49,381 --> 00:59:52,176 - Good night, Ginny. - Good night, Achmed. 1375 00:59:52,176 --> 00:59:54,136 - Good night, Cassidy. Good night, Kevin. 1376 00:59:54,136 --> 00:59:55,554 Good night, little Jeff. 1377 00:59:55,554 --> 00:59:57,598 - Good night. - Good night! 1378 00:59:57,598 --> 01:00:00,893 - Good night, dog with the dynamite in his mouth. 1379 01:00:00,893 --> 01:00:02,603 Uh-oh. [muffled explosion] 1380 01:00:02,603 --> 01:00:04,021 Good boy. 1381 01:00:04,021 --> 01:00:08,234 [dog barks] 1382 01:00:08,234 --> 01:00:11,237 [rock guitar playing Star-Spangled Banner] 1383 01:00:11,237 --> 01:00:19,245 ♪ ♪ 1384 01:00:30,548 --> 01:00:33,551 [rock guitar playing The Battle Hymn of the Republic] 1385 01:00:33,551 --> 01:00:41,559 ♪ ♪ 92739