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Previously on Queen of Oz...
Jessica Bramer.
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00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,360
How do you even remember me?
She was one of the girls at school
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00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,800
who used to bully me. They used to
throw sweets and oink at me.
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00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,920
"You'll never be queen.
You're too fat to be queen.
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00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:12,240
"Fatty, fatty, queen, queen."
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SHE EXCLAIMS, DOG YAPS
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00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,960
Oh!
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00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,480
Teddy... Should I call you
"daughter"?
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00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,000
Ma'am? Oh!
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00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,000
SHE EXCLAIMS, DOG YAPS
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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,000
"Koala ears". That's what she used
to call me.
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00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,840
That's a cute nickname.
How about Princess Pubes?
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00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,080
That's not so nice.
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00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:26,640
This is all your fault.
"Talk to her, you'll feel better.
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00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:28,040
"Trust me." That's what you said.
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00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,000
Yeah, talk to her,
not verbally induce labour.
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00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,360
The baby's coming.
Oh, my God. Can I smell urine?
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00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,440
I'm not urinating!
Well, someone's urinating.
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00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:38,200
Stop saying "urinating"!
Oh! It's crowning. Argh!
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00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:40,400
I'm about to marry a man
I don't love. Wow.
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00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:43,080
Throw into the mix the headache
of choosing which crown to wear
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00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:44,800
and you can see why I'm such a mess.
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00:00:48,040 --> 00:00:50,280
GEORGIANA LAUGHS
And it wasn't the first time anyway.
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00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:51,640
LIGHT POLITE LAUGHTER
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00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,280
Rebecca?
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00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,960
So I'm sure you'll find Australia
is a business friendly,
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00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,160
highly globalised economy
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00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,280
with bountiful natural resources
and seamless access
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to the Asia Pacific market.
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00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,640
It's a very exciting time
for the microchip industry
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00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:10,440
and we are confident Australia
will be the ideal location
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for you to open your new factory.
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That's our pitch.
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00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,800
Can I get an amen?
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Inappropriate.
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00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,120
Look, I'll be frank with you, ma'am.
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It's down to you and Switzerland.
Switzerland?
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Lazy people.
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00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:28,560
Far more interested in yodelling
and hoarding Nazi gold
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00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:29,840
than they are in working.
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00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,000
SHE CHUCKLES
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00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:37,680
And how has your tour of Australia
been so far, Mr Frusctaine?
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WHISPERED: Stop it.
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I have to say that,
for a first world country,
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I expected Australia to be a
little less, let's say, rugged.
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00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:49,960
Ah... Oh, John, don't be fooled
by our majestic terrain.
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We're a thriving, contemporary,
high-tech country.
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00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,480
So's Switzerland, without being
covered in red dirt
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00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:56,960
and ridiculous animals.
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Shots fired, sir.
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00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,160
There is no such thing
as a ridiculous animal,
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although the numbat does
slightly undermine my argument.
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LAUGHTER
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I would hate for you to fall for the
trope that Australia
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00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,360
is a primitive backwoods wasteland.
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00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:14,080
STRAINED: For God's sake,
what is the matter with you?
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00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:15,120
What?
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SHE SCREAMS
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00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,160
THEY ALL YELL
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00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,160
Oh, my...!
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HE SCREAMS
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00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:23,840
It's OK, it's OK...
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00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,160
Queen Georgie once again
hitting the headlines today.
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JONESY: We need investment
in this country.
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I just feel that she's let us down
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00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:43,120
and, you know, like, it's a snake!
It's a snake.
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00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,800
We've all had snakes
on the dinner table.
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00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,560
It's very unfortunate
what's happened.
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Embarrassment, totally.
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00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,960
Probably the less I say
about that one, the better.
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RADIO HOST: She finally had a chance
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00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,160
to do something good
for our economy,
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00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,520
and she just couldn't control
a snake? What?!
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00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,640
I think that she's just a regular
old lady who is trying to do
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00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,520
her best and everybody's
a little bit out for her.
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00:03:03,520 --> 00:03:05,120
Ginge and minge.
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00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:07,760
Whinge, sorry. Whinge.
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00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,680
Pain in the arse.
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Uh...
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Have you seen this?
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Hmm?
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"Big deal SNAKED by Swiss." Har-har.
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While I'm trying to drum up business
for this backwoods wasteland.
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00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,960
Meanwhile, we'll probably get
a couple of wombats
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00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:29,160
shitting in the bed tonight.
They come out in cubes.
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00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,760
What? Wombats, their faeces come out
in cubes. Interesting fact.
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00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,200
In no way is it. And never use
the word faeces round me again.
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You know what this is?
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00:03:37,680 --> 00:03:39,720
Um... My idea of hell.
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00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,080
It's Nepal. I was thinking we could
honeymoon there.
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00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,680
Oh, do stop.
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00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,640
All anyone talks about lately
is wedding arrangements.
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00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:49,360
Matthew's been titting about with
the seating plan for over a week.
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00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,360
It is approaching.
Yes, like an oncoming train.
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00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,800
There's this great volunteering
programme where you get to
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00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,200
help teach families
sustainable agriculture.
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00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,960
I'm sorry, have we met?
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00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,200
We can make a big difference.
Yes, by writing a big cheque!
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00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,200
Come on, it'd be great.
Just the two of us.
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00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,440
No press, really getting
our hands dirty.
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00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,200
The only dirty thing I want touching
my hands right now is a martini.
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00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,720
I can think of...one
other dirty thing.
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00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,520
No, I'm done here.
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00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,200
I'm done talking about honeymoons,
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I'm done talking about wedding
plans. I just...
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00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:19,560
I just want to be left alone.
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00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,800
We need to talk wedding dress.
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I'm going to kick you
in your throat.
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ROYAL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS
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Shit.
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Shitter.
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Shittest.
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00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:38,240
Spoke too soon.
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00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:41,000
Hold on - you think
I'm a bridal jacket age?
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00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,840
Anabel suggested that, Your Majesty.
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00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:44,840
It has nothing to do with your age.
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00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:46,480
It's about hiding your body flaws.
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00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:48,880
My body flaws.
Obviously, not all of them.
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00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:51,480
But you can't get married
in a burqa, can you?
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00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,080
Next.
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00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,640
Now, this one's my favourite.
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00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,040
Well, that would usually
disqualify it immediately,
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00:04:58,040 --> 00:04:59,560
but that's actually not bad.
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00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,360
And it would be a great PR win
for us because that dress is made
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00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,080
out of recycled materials.
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00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,600
It's made out of rubbish?
No, ma'am, recycled materials.
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00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:10,320
They get reprocessed into new
fibres and then spun
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00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,880
into a gorgeous new fabric.
So it's made out of rubbish?
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00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,520
At least consider it, ma'am.
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00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,080
You have a massive platform. Rude!
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00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,280
Just by wearing a recycled dress,
you're helping save the planet.
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00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,360
Oh, give it a rest, Zoe.
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00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,280
Planet's fine.
Actually, it's not, is it?
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00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:27,880
Let's face it,
it's melting before our eyes,
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00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,120
so, yeah, absolutely. Why not?
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00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:34,040
Why not get married in a dress
made of decomposing flip-flops?
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00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:37,320
Count me in. And while you're at it,
knock me up a little bridal jacket
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00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,520
out of an old mattress. Can't wait!
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00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,680
Oh. A moment of your time, ma'am.
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00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:45,840
Is this about the wedding?
No. What is it about?
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The after-wedding reception.
Now, would you like your guests
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00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:51,120
to have the choice...
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MUFFLED ATTEMPTED SPEECH
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00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:52,480
I can do this all day.
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00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:59,600
And FYI, Ryan Reynolds is a hard no.
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00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:02,920
Ma'am. I finally finished the
seating chart.
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00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,400
It took me absolute weeks...
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00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,160
SHE SIGHS
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DOG GROWLS
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DOG YAPS
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UNDER HER BREATH: Oh...
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..God.
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SHE SCREAMS
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Sorry... You startled me.
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I can only imagine the shock
of someone slowly turning round.
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00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,360
What are you doing out here?
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00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,960
It seems there's still a lot
to be done before the wedding.
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Yes, Sylvia, there is.
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Ah...
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I just...need a moment.
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To myself.
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00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,360
I see.
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00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:52,200
How did you sleep?
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00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,720
What? I was just wondering
how you slept last night.
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Why do you care how I slept?
Oh, no particular reason, no.
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00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,760
Then why do you ask?
I was just wondering how you slept.
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00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,400
Are you secretly writing
a tell-all about me?
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SHE LAUGHS
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00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,880
Teddy said you had
a wicked sense of humour.
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00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,120
SHE CHUCKLES
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Think you'll sleep well on your
wedding night?
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Your Majesty?
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00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,360
SYLVIA EXCLAIMS
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00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,360
Oh...
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00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,000
Do excuse me for interrupting.
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00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,120
No, do, please - interrupt.
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00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,200
The Prime Minister is waiting
for you, ma'am.
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00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,400
Is she? Of course she is. Excellent.
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00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:31,480
And also, what a shame we can't
continue this little chat.
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00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,640
Shall we have lunch after?
Teddy won't be back until late.
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We can talk wedding make-up
so you don't look so ruddy.
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FORCED CHUCKLE
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That's a great idea.
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She kept asking me how I slept.
Who does that?
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Is that what real families do?
Thank God mine rarely speak to me.
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00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:50,040
My wife takes great interest
in how I'm enjoying my tea.
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Every bloody sip.
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I didn't realise we had a safe word
for when Sylvia gets too boring.
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Ma'am? "Prime Minister"?
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00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:58,720
Nice work. Oh...
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00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:02,160
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
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00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:04,560
Good afternoon, Your Majesty. Shit!
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00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,400
Shit, shit, shit, shit!
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00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,440
Ma'am?
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00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:12,520
IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: Ah, no,
love... Sorry, er... Er...
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00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,320
Ya... Mrs... Your... Your...worship.
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00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:16,760
I know it's you.
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00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,280
Nah, what?
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00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:20,760
Shut up!
200
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,280
Nah, the Queen's not here...
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00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,320
Well, she's here, but, you know,
I'm not her, so you can...
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00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:27,680
You know, you should probably...
So... So...
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00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:30,520
IN NORMAL ACCENT: You were supposed
to be a safe word!
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00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,160
I am not doing this today.
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00:08:33,160 --> 00:08:35,240
Oh, no. No, no, no.
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00:08:35,240 --> 00:08:37,880
Safe word. Safe word! No!
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00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,600
No way.
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00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,600
DOG YAPS
209
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:44,240
That girl needs a good night's
sleep.
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00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:49,080
This is why I'm a Republican.
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CAR ENGINE STARTS
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00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,240
We're leaving. What?
213
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,640
Where? Anywhere that isn't here.
214
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,640
Ma'am...
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00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,120
We can't take you off the grounds
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00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:06,360
without setting up
security protocols in advance.
217
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,760
I'm getting this car and
driving off with or without you.
218
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,560
And FYI, I don't know how to drive,
219
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:17,520
so you can either...drive me...
220
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,440
HORN HONKS
221
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,440
..or...
222
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,640
..you can stay here and...
223
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:25,080
..find yourself another job.
224
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,040
Is you in or is you out?
225
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,080
HE SIGHS
226
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,560
Get in the back.
227
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,720
HORN HONKS
228
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:36,720
MUSIC: Mess Around
by Super Wild Horses
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00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:40,920
# I got a message for you
230
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,920
# It goes ooh-ooh-ooh
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00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,440
# What are you gonna do
232
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,120
# When I go out of town?
233
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:47,960
# Cos when I'm flying away
234
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,360
# I won't be staying at home
any more, no, no
235
00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,160
# I'm gonna mess around... #
236
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,480
Where are we going?
237
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:59,160
Good question. Anywhere we go,
there's a security risk.
238
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,280
Oh, lighten up.
No-one wants to kill me.
239
00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:05,600
I can think of at least one.
I can take care of myself.
240
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,120
With respect, ma'am, when you saw
a cockroach in your room,
241
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,720
you asked if I could, quote, "burn
Macquarie House to the ground
242
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,360
"and make it look like an accident."
And if you know of a better way
243
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:15,280
to get rid of a cockroach,
I'd love to hear it.
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00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,800
MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO
245
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,200
You're not as angry with me
as you're making out.
246
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,160
Oh, yeah? What gives you that idea?
247
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,080
This business.
248
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:27,400
It's called a tell.
249
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,200
It's called an itch. Mm-hm.
250
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,360
In the wild, scratching your neck
means you want to be groomed.
251
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,440
It's a sign of affection.
252
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,480
Right... Well, in this case,
it's just a sign of a mozzie bite.
253
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,440
Sorry to disappoint you.
254
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,080
Makes no difference to me.
255
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:42,600
Tell it to David Attenborough.
256
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,640
He's the one who keeps banging on
about it.
257
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,080
Look, if you're just going to sit
there seething, I can drive myself.
258
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,720
Except you don't know how to drive.
259
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,600
I can figure it out. Really? Which
one of these pedals is accelerator?
260
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,800
That's a trick question. There's
no such thing as an accelerator.
261
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,120
Oh, but there is. Yeah, I know,
it's the one on the right.
262
00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,480
Wrong. Correct, because it's the one
on the left.
263
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,440
Incorrect, cos it IS the one
on the right. Mm...
264
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:07,080
QUICKLY: Who am I,
who am I, who am I?
265
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,560
NASALLY: Incorrect, because
it IS the one on the right.
266
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,720
I actually thought it was in the
middle.
267
00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,600
This is bullshit! There's 1,000 more
details to be signed off on
268
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:20,200
and she just decides to take the
rest of the day off.
269
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,080
I believe that's called being a
sovereign. It's not cool!
270
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,520
We've been working our arses off
for weeks on this.
271
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,880
And I believe that's
called "having a job".
272
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:30,000
Hold on, are you all getting paid
for this?
273
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,160
Well, what can we do
if she's not here?
274
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,640
Celebrate!
275
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:36,720
CORKS POP
276
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,320
FEEL-GOOD INDIE MUSIC PLAYS
277
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:43,760
Can't believe that bitch gets
to eat this good every day.
278
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,120
HE LAUGHS
279
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,400
Yeah-eah!
280
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,920
MUSIC STOPS, DOG YAPS, SHE EXCLAIMS
281
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:55,760
Don't worry, darling.
She'll be here soon. She will!
282
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,040
MUSIC RESUMES
283
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,440
We're here.
And "here" is where?
284
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,720
The one place I could think
of where we wouldn't be seen.
285
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:26,120
So the beginning of every
true-crime docu-series.
286
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,920
No, the current here would just push
your corpse right back on shore.
287
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,120
Further up the beach would do
the trick. Comforting.
288
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,120
My family's owned this place
since I was a kid,
289
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:37,240
but they rarely come any more,
so...you'll be safe here.
290
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,120
ALL: Surprise!
291
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,120
PARTY HORNS HONK, GUNSHOT
292
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,480
THEY YELP
293
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,760
Marc? Mum?
294
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,040
What's everyone doing here?
Your cousin Luke's surprise party.
295
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,280
You were on the email chain!
That's today?
296
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,320
Hey, bud, you said you were working.
297
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:53,680
This is most certainly work, Dad.
What's everyone doing here?
298
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,600
WEAKLY: Hey. Surprise...
Surp... Surprise.
299
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:59,200
I had no idea! Um, do we have a
paper towel or something?
300
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,200
I think Uncle Cliff just got shot.
301
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,760
I'll go get one... Hey... Cool!
302
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,800
Shit. Sorry, Uncle. Don't worry,
mate. It's just a scratch.
303
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:09,240
It'll give me something
to talk about at the RSL.
304
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,760
I'll be right with you, ma'am.
305
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:12,560
Who are ya talking to? The Quee...
306
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,960
Ah, shit.
307
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,040
Where are you going?
308
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:27,160
You may have noticed, but happy
family time isn't quite my thing.
309
00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:29,240
Please, ma'am, you don't
know what you're doing.
310
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,040
Says the man who just shot
a pensioner?
311
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:32,760
What's going on, bub?
312
00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,320
I've got to get back to work, Mum.
Come on. Just ten minutes, please?
313
00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,080
I miss my little Marcy Marc.
314
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,640
You just shot your Uncle Cliff. The
least you could do is check on him.
315
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,480
Ten minutes, not a minute longer.
316
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:51,960
Thank you, ma'am. Oh, don't
thank me. The pleasure's all mine,
317
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,720
little Marcy Marc.
318
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,280
Hey, hello. Hey, hello.
319
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,320
Oh, this smells good.
320
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,800
Oh, my boy! Hey, Mum.
321
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,520
Aw... Don't shoot!
322
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,160
Hey, Dad. Son.
323
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:08,720
And who's your little friend?
324
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,320
Mum. Mate, you've done well for
yourself.
325
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,640
Oh, Dad! Frank!
What?! It's a compliment!
326
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,800
Hi, I'm Ruth, Marc's mum.
327
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:20,720
Hello. Aw, come here. Oh, Mum...
Um, Mum. Mum, don't!
328
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,400
What? It's fine... It's...fine.
Oh...
329
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,680
It's fine.
330
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:28,720
Oh... Oh! Mm-hm.
331
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:32,000
How do you do?
332
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,880
Very well, thank you.
333
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,840
LAUGHING: Can you believe this?
334
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,960
We've got the fucking Queen
in our house!
335
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,280
THEY LAUGH
336
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,600
Excellent.
337
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,680
Come on, Bernard.
I rarely drink and I detest games.
338
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,400
Can you even imagine how I feel
about drinking games?
339
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,200
SINGSONG: Boring!
340
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,560
OK. Matthew's go.
341
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,480
Um, never have I ever...
342
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,040
..lied to anyone in this room.
343
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,240
Wait, what?
344
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,120
You guys haven't lied to me,
have you?
345
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,760
THEY SPLUTTER, LAUGH
346
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:07,680
OK, never have I ever
slept with someone
347
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,160
and then immediately regretted it.
348
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,240
Oh, my God. Who? Ew, so many.
349
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:14,600
But the most regretful was
my cousin Barton.
350
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:17,160
Your cousin? Distant, I hope.
351
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,240
Oh, God, yeah.
352
00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,680
He barely looked at me.
353
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,680
Uh, never have I ever fantasised
about slapping the Queen so hard
354
00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,960
that she bites her tongue off,
it falls onto the floor,
355
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,040
Clint eats it, and she's never
able to speak again.
356
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,400
Wow, that's specific.
357
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:36,360
THEY LAUGH
358
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,560
I am appalled by this boorish
and malevolent behaviour.
359
00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,480
You've all sunk to a new level
of disrespect
360
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,560
that I will not be party
to any longer.
361
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,880
THEY LAUGH
362
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:53,200
DOG YAPS
363
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,200
So you're from England? Yes, I am.
364
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,880
That's mad.
365
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,880
SHE CHUCKLES
366
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,360
The buses are funny.
Yes, I've always thought so.
367
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,680
Yeah. I'm sorry, Your Majesty,
I'm sure you like champagne,
368
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,400
but this is the best we've got.
369
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:12,080
The champagne of beers.
Well, then, it must be good.
370
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:16,640
Mm-mm!
371
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,320
Like an '08 Cristal in a tin can.
372
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:23,080
Thank you. You're welcome,
Your Majesty. Stop bowing, Dad.
373
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,560
I haven't seen you in six months,
and all you do is fuss.
374
00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,680
Do you like it?
375
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:28,960
I do.
376
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,000
I have to say, I was a little
thrown -
377
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,160
I've never eaten off a paper plate.
But it is delicious.
378
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,520
It's emu meat.
379
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:36,960
Oh, my...
380
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,120
Oh, my God!
381
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,120
CHUCKLING
382
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,360
I'm jo... Oh, my...!
I'm joking. I'm joking.
383
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,480
Because that's fun! It's fun for me.
384
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,640
THEY GIGGLE
385
00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,560
There! Now you don't look common.
386
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,280
Oh... Well, less common.
Wow, thanks.
387
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,280
You're welcome. OK...
388
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,120
IN POSH ACCENT: Who am I, who am I,
who am I?
389
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,640
If you don't bring me my whisky
immediately,
390
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,120
I'll punch you in the throat.
391
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,840
My nanny!
392
00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,000
No...
393
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,240
Oh...
394
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,680
We should probably get going.
395
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,400
But I haven't finished
my champagne beer.
396
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,440
It's been past ten minutes,
and a deal's a deal.
397
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:15,120
WOMAN CHATS IN DISTANCE
She's an ex? Yeah.
398
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,440
She's pretty. Yep.
399
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:19,680
In her prime. Uh-huh.
400
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,560
Fit. I know. Quite the catch...
Yes, all of those things.
401
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:25,280
All right, well, don't let me
cramp your style.
402
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:29,080
There's a lot of history there.
History can be good. But no future.
403
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,680
Lot of history, but no future.
Title of your autobiography.
404
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,200
Oh-ho!
405
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:37,200
Oh, someone's with the comebacks
today. Here all... Here all week.
406
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,720
SHE CHUCKLES
407
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,720
Try the emu meat.
408
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,960
HE LAUGHS
409
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,160
SHE EXCLAIMS
410
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,160
Oh...
411
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,800
Oh, you startled me. I thought you
might have been the queen.
412
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,640
Ah! Well, you're in luck.
413
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,520
I am practically
the next best thing.
414
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,480
I am 23rd in line to the throne.
415
00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:57,520
Or is it 24th?
416
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:01,120
There's Freddie, Georgie...
417
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,480
..Albert, Horace, Chester...
418
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:06,400
..Florence, Iris, Herman...
419
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,120
Oh, shit. I forgot Bertram! Oh...
420
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,960
There's Freddie, Georgie, Albert,
421
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,640
Horace, Chester, Florence,
422
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:18,080
Bertram, Iris, Herman...
423
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:21,320
You think you know,
but you don't know shit.
424
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,400
Of course! Of course there are
perks and privileges
425
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,000
that have been lavished upon me,
426
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,880
unjustifiably so, some may say,
427
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,840
and I'm not blind to that reasoning.
428
00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,080
But let me tell you something.
429
00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:36,680
While they are giving you
the yachts and the palaces
430
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,640
and the jewellery, with one hand,
431
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:41,080
with the other, they're taking
something in return.
432
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,400
And do you know what that is?
433
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,960
You!
434
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,160
Because a royal's life is
never their own.
435
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:53,320
We were once the rulers, but now we
are the ones being ruled -
436
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,640
by bureaucrats, by public opinion,
437
00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,320
by the fucking media.
438
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,480
That is who we must now
bow down before.
439
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,280
So you do or you don't want
another beer?
440
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,360
Do.
441
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:13,760
THEY LAUGH
442
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,000
I mean, we all get beaten up
every once in a while,
443
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,920
but Matthew gets destroyed.
I know, right?
444
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,480
She turns me into a nervous wreck
whenever she's around.
445
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,600
Yeah.
You're a real James Bond otherwise!
446
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,920
HE COUGHS, SPLUTTERS
447
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:28,840
I can barely sleep at night.
448
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:32,160
And now I have big patches of eczema
on my back. Oh, my God. Disgusting!
449
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,040
Why don't you get another job?!
Because I'm too scared to quit.
450
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,160
Aw, Jesus, Matthew.
451
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,440
I know! What's even worse is
my name is not Matthew.
452
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,200
What? It's Craig.
What?! You got to be joking!
453
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,440
Are you serious? She started
calling me Matthew on the first day.
454
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:47,640
I have been too frightened
455
00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:49,720
to correct her ever since.
Oh, my God...!
456
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:52,800
LAUGHING: Craig...!
457
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,080
THEY LAUGH
458
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,600
HE COUGHS, SPLUTTERS
459
00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:59,320
..Alec, Thomas,
460
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,720
Arthur, Daisy, Anna,
461
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,440
Richard... Shit...
462
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,840
Is it, Arthur, Daisy, Anna,
463
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,000
or Anna, Daisy, Arthur? Uh...
464
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:12,720
I'm a bit lost.
No, it's Arthur, Daisy, Anna.
465
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,000
I'll start again. Mm-hm.
466
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,760
Freddie, Georgie, Albert, Horace,
467
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:19,000
Chester, Florence, Bertram...
468
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,160
Your Majesty! May I have this dance?
469
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:28,200
Oh, no, Frank. No.
470
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,680
Well, even the Queens have got
to dance! I know, but not...
471
00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,280
Not tonight. You sure?
Dad's got some moves.
472
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:35,320
It's a hard pass, fellas.
473
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:37,440
All right, then. Suit yourself.
474
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,080
I draw the line at dancing.
475
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,160
We can leave whenever you're ready,
ma'am.
476
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,320
What, and go back to Wedding
Planning Central? No, thank you.
477
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,360
We can stay a bit longer.
478
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:00,080
MUSIC: Whoomp! (There It Is)
by Tag Team
479
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:01,480
# Party people! #
Marc?
480
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,920
Your song? Won me the silver medal
in the Year 7 talent show.
481
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,360
Yes, yes...
482
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,800
Come on, Marc! No, no...!
Oh, come on.
483
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,360
Take it from me - you do not want to
disappoint the public!
484
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,040
It's my birthday! Come on, Marc!
485
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,240
# And it goes a little
something like this! #
486
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,000
THEY CHEER
487
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,000
# Tag Team, back again
488
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:18,480
# Check it to wreck it, let's begin
489
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,520
# Party on, party people
Let me hear some noise
490
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,360
# DC's in the house
Jump, jump, rejoice
491
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,400
# Says there's a party over here
A party over there
492
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,400
# Wave your hands in the air
Shake the derriere
493
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,240
# These three words
mean you're gettin' busy
494
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:30,000
# Whoomp, there it is! Hit me!
495
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,760
ALL: # Whoomp, there it is!
496
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,600
# Whoomp, there it is!
497
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:35,400
# Whoomp, there it is!
498
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:37,320
# Whoomp, there it is!
499
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,480
# Whoomp, there it is...! #
Let's go, let's move!
500
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:40,880
# Whoomp, there it is!
501
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,000
# Whoomp... #
502
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,000
THEY CHEER
503
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,720
# Whoomp, there it is!
504
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,360
# Upside down and inside out
505
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,400
# I'm 'bout to show all you folks
what it's all about
506
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,320
# Now it's time for a...to get
on the mic
507
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:52,000
# And make this mother...party hype
508
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,800
# I'm takin' it back
to the old school
509
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,640
# Cos I'm an old fool
who's so cool... #
510
00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:57,080
MUSIC CONTINUES
511
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,880
Robert, Sara, Marcus,
512
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,760
Clara, Lucy...
513
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,400
Oh!
514
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,400
SHE LAUGHS
515
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,800
I forgot me again!
516
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,800
SYLVIA SIGHS
517
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,040
Ma.
518
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,760
There you are.
519
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,880
Teddy, thank God!
520
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,480
It's so good to see you.
521
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,680
Let's just go with 23rd.
23rd in line.
522
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:24,400
WHISPERED: That woman is such
a boring twat.
523
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,840
Thank you for letting us get
some more time with our son.
524
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:36,000
No - thank YOU.
525
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,120
Without it, I wouldn't have got to
see little Marcy Marc's performance.
526
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,240
I saw how much you enjoyed it,
so I made you a plate of emu
527
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,280
to take back home.
528
00:22:45,080 --> 00:22:47,080
Thank you, Ruth.
529
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:48,840
Come back soon, eh?
530
00:22:48,840 --> 00:22:51,000
You work on those dance moves,
and I'll consider it.
531
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,880
Hey!
532
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,880
HE LAUGHS
533
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,480
Oh, well, you two drive safe now.
And we'll see you again.
534
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,760
Love yous. Love you! Love you, son.
All right.
535
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,440
Emu meat!
536
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,440
MARC CHUCKLES
537
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,600
Wow.
538
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,600
Sorry. When the family gets
together, they can be a bit wild.
539
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:06,960
Hope it hasn't been too much.
540
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,480
I think it's been just
the right amount.
541
00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:13,600
You surprised me tonight.
542
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,360
Then again, you always do.
543
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,480
You should put something on that.
On what?
544
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,520
That mozzie bite.
545
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:25,040
I don't have a mozzie bite.
546
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,400
Shall we?
547
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,840
MUSIC: Physical
by Olivia Newton-John
548
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,520
# I'm sayin' all the things
that I know you'll like
549
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:48,640
# Makin' good conversation
550
00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,040
# I gotta handle you just right
551
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,240
# You know what I mean
552
00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:00,880
# I took you to an intimate
restaurant
553
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,000
# Then to a suggestive movie
554
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,520
# There's nothin' left to talk
about... #
555
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,200
Thank you.
556
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:11,440
Your Majesty.
# Unless it's horizontally
557
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,280
# Let's get physical, physical
558
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,400
# I wanna get physical
559
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,560
# Let's get into physical
560
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,160
# Let me hear your body talk
561
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,480
# Your body talk
562
00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:27,080
# Let me hear your body talk
563
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,720
# Let's get physical, physical
564
00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,680
# I wanna get physical
565
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,920
# Let's get into physical
566
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,360
# Let me hear your body talk
567
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:40,000
# Your body talk
568
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,880
# Let me hear your body talk... #
569
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,000
Can I come in?
570
00:24:46,840 --> 00:24:48,160
Oh, God...
571
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,000
I take it you had a nice time?
572
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,520
I did.
573
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,560
I'm sorry.
574
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,800
SHE SIGHS
575
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,800
Yeah...
576
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:13,720
MUSIC: Koala Bear
by Johnny Devlin & The Devlins
577
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:18,000
# I wanna cling to you like a baby
578
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:20,840
# Koala
579
00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:24,840
# When I hold you close
580
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:27,120
# Like you want me to
581
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,800
# Baby, don't run away
582
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,320
# Like a scared emu
583
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:34,160
# Well, I wanna give you some
lovin'
584
00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,800
# Any place, anywhere
585
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,960
# I don't wanna lose you
cos I really care
586
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,360
# I wanna cling to you
587
00:25:39,360 --> 00:25:41,240
# Like a baby koala bear
588
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,560
# Can't you feel my heart
589
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:45,880
# When I'm close to you?
590
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:48,480
# Well, it's hoppin' so fast
591
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:50,880
# Like a kangaroo
592
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,200
# Well, I wanna give you some
lovin' Any place, anywhere
593
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,560
# I don't wanna lose you
cos I really care... #
67504
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