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- I don't feel great.

It's not--like, I think
it's gonna be fine,

but I just--
like, I feel bloated

and gassy a little,

maybe a little feverish.

Is this for anybody?

- Mm-hmm.

- Like, here's what I'll do.

I'm just gonna have
the healthy--

just have a healthy salad.

What am I doing, dude?

We got to start--
we're starting the show

in, like, fucking...

This is meat-lover's?

Oh, it's so dense.

That's a veggie?

You kind of want--

I don't have
to eat the whole thing.

Jesus fuck,
why am I eating this?

What am I doing?

Thing is, like,

I could have eaten
between shows.

But in my mind, it's like,
not gonna be hot.

You know what I mean?

It's gonna be shit.

So now I'm eating
before the first show.

I'm eating this.

I think we just have to...

take a second and understand
what's going on here.

This isn't just--this is not
just, like, a party.

Got to do a fucking
stand-up special.

It's like a job.

- What are these notes?

Will you talk to me
about what's here?

- This is the leftover
of a mistake.

Look, the notes are--

it's just evolving,
you know--

like, the different processes

of me, you know,
putting things together.

I don't even think--

I think this is maybe
a song I'm writing.

But these are the original
post-its of things

that were--like, these
I did a lot time ago.

And sometimes when I look
at all this stuff,

the actual evolution
of things,

like this stuff--

like, this is the old hour,

so I wanted to sort of check.

Oh, a lot of this stuff,
I didn't do.

So this is sort of the act,
give or take.

And these are
the callbacks here.

I'm not doing that one.

Oh, no, these are stories.

Mustang's out.

Captain Billy, Jesus.

MRI is out, ice cream is in.

Time Warner is out.

MRI's pretty good, but, meh...

People like callbacks.

And I thought,
why not do that?

Why not show that I have--

that I'm professional enough
to do that,

to structure something?

I can't say it's gonna
fucking work, necessarily.

But I think I figured out
a way to end it.

Like, I'm working
on this ending.

See, that's who I am.

It's like,
I'm taping this special tonight,

and I think
I've got the ending,

but I'm not sure.

And I'm not
even fucking kidding.

This is crazy.

Like, you would think
the best way to go into it is,

like, have it all, like,
"I'm set, man.

I know exactly the hour."

What's up?

Five?

[opener performing]

[laughter]

It is different when
there's cameras all around.

But, like, you just can't
think about it like that

necessarily, right?

Am I good?

My nose bleeding?

- No bats in the cave.

- All right.

I get hung up on shit, man.

Like, I start feeling like
I have a snot in there,

and I'm trying to do my show,

but all I'm thinking about
is this snot in my nose.

All right,
he's gonna close with this.

[opener performing]

Oh, my god.

[cheers and applause]

- How was it?
- Awesome.

- They're fucking
unbelievable.

- Really?

- Yeah, it's your crowd.

- [exhales]

emcee:
Chicago, are you ready?

[cheers and applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Marc Maron!

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Holy shit.

All right.

- Whoo!

- Yeah, whoo!

[cheering]

That was a properly placed
"whoo."

No out-of-context "whoo"s.

I do not indulge "whoo"s
that happen in weird places.

- Trying to keep it
under control.

- You keep the "whoo"
under control.

I just wanted it to be weird
right when I came out,

and it's happening.

I was backstage, I'm like,

how do I really
want to open this thing?

Why don't you just
attack a woman for no reason

about something she
didn't even really do?

That'd be a nice way
to start your big night.

I don't know
what to do sometimes.

I just--I can't handle the love
and respect from you people.

So make no mistake,
I'm hating myself inside.

They brought pizza backstage,
Chicago pizza.

I'm not gonna mention any names,

'cause I don't want to start
any shit.

But it was one of them.

That's all you're getting.

And, of course, like,
I got to do this show.

I got to be up here and perform
to the best of my ability.

And I thought to myself,
why not not have

two slices of deep dish pizza?

Why not not do that?

That voice was not honored
within me.

And now I have two slices
of that pizza in my stomach,

which I will blame
if this goes badly.

That's how I plan.

"That didn't go well--
fuckin' pizza."

Got a plan.

I've got an inner blogger
that reviews my show

as it's in progress.

"Maron started off
kind of awkward,

"making notice of the woman
who went, 'Whoo!'

"Then he just started talking
about pizza for no reason,

"like he's got all day up there.

"I don't know how this
is gonna go tonight.

"Clearly he doesn't have a plan.

"He's already brought me
into it.

More later."

I don't know.

Like, I'm old.

I'm not gonna complain
about being old,

but I'm starting to realize
that--like, I'm 51.

I'm a 51-year-old man,
twice divorced.

I have no children.

And I live with two cats.

And it's fucking amazing.

[cheers and applause]

That's right.

That's right.

I'm winning.

I'm the winner.

For years,
I used to think, like,

why can't I manage
a relationship?

Why can't I have a marriage?

Why don't I have
a normal life of any kind?

Why can't I just be
a regular person?

But now I'm starting to think,

like, I think I dodged
a few bullets.

I think I'm starting
to realize that.

And all it takes
is one conversation

with a friend of mine
that went the other way.

He's got the wife and the kids
and everything else.

One conversation for me
to know that I'm okay.

Have you ever had
that conversation

where you don't know
if the guy is talking to you

or trying to convince himself

that he's made the right
decisions with his life?

It takes nothing
to provoke these conversations.

I could not have seen
the guy in, like, three years,

and I'd be like,
"Hey, man, how you doing?

It's been a while.
How are the kids?"

"It's fucking hard
right now, man.

"It's bad, it's bad.

"I can't handle it.

"I want them out of the house,

"but they're 7 and 4,

"and that's just not
the right way to be thinking.

"But I love them a lot.

"They're great kids.

"I but I just--
it's fucking awful.

"It's awful.

"One of them's smart.

"The other one seems to have
a thing with his hands.

"He's okay.

"But I just want out, man.

"I want out.

But I love 'em,
I love 'em a lot."

That's sort of a confusing sort
of message you're giving me.

Is everything okay
with your wife?

"Can't look her in the eye
at all.

"Can't even maintain
eye contact with her.

"Most of the time,
I want her dead,

"or I want to be dead.

"It's just--it's fucking awful.

"But I'm blessed.

"I mean, I'm really blessed,

"because she's a great woman,

"and we've been through
a lot together.

"But god damn it.

"You know where I can
get a boat?

"I think if I had a boat,

"then I could just go
and change my identity somehow.

"But I'd miss my wife,
so that'd be kind of crazy.

But, god, I want out, man."

I'm like, wow,
that doesn't sound great.

It's still kind of confusing.

You okay with money?

"I have no money.

"Where am I gonna have money?

"I have a wife and two kids.

"Where does money
come into that?

"I think about faking
my own death all the time,

"just so they can have
the insurance money

"and I can have my freedom.

"I'm serious.

"Do you know
where I can get a boat?

"I'm not kidding
about the boat.

"But I'd miss my family,

"and I like eating dinner
with them.

"But, god, I just
want to leave.

How you doing, Marc?"

I'm great.

This conversation's
been great for me.

It's been very helpful,
actually.

I feel okay.

I mean, it's a little
weird sometimes.

I'm lonely,
but I've got the cats,

but, you know, I'm okay.

And then the guy always goes,

"Well, I really appreciate you
being my friend, you know,

"and hearing me out,

"because I can't talk about
this stuff to a lot of people,

and I love you, man."

I'm like,
"Well, I love you too, man.

Good luck with everything."

And I know that fucker
goes home,

and the second he sees
his wife, says,

"Ran into Maron,
still sad and alone.

"Just him and those damn cats.

"When's that guy gonna
get it together, right?

I told him how great
we were doing, baby."

Judas.

Yeah, you know, I got the cats.

You know, it's kind of
getting hard to sell

the whole, like, you know,
51-year-old dude with two cats

as being, you know,
an endearing thing.

It's a fine line between,
"Aw," and, "Eh, no, no."

I have weird moments
with my cats.

You know, I don't--
I guess I could share them.

I don't know.

"Maron's gonna struggle
for a minute or two,

"try to figure or not
he'll share this information,

"like it's some big secret.

"Seen him do this three times.

"I wonder what he's gonna do.

More later."

All right, well, one time,
I was on the bed

With Monkey and Lafonda.

And this came out of my mouth.

Out loud I said, "I guess it's
just us now, you guys."

That's kind of sad.

It's a real moment, though.

Said this to Monkey
out loud the other day,

not long ago anyways.

I said,
"You're getting old, buddy.

"Look at you,
you're like an old cat.

You're all old and shit."

And you don't think
that affects cats.

You don't think that they
register that kind of thing.

But two days later,
Monkey shit on my carpet,

while maintaining eye contact
with me.

Nothing you can do
when a cat's doing that.

Just go, like,
"Okay, that's happening?"

And they're like,
"Yes, it is, I'm doing it."

And then I thought, like, "Is
this about the comment I made?

It is, right?"

And he didn't say anything.

But you project.

And then he tried
to bury his shit on the carpet,

which I thought was spiteful,

and I did feel it was personal.

but it wasn't.

They're just dumb cats.

They're just stupid animals.

It's hard for a cat owner
to admit this kind of thing.

Like, it wasn't personal.

He just had some sort
of brain skid

and thought he was outside

and shit on what he thought
was grass, and was the carpet.

But we project all kinds
of shit onto cats,

because we're cat people.

And just, like, you don't
want to believe

they're just dumb animals.

You're like, "Not mine,
nuh-uh, he's genius.

"He's a genius.

"He's like a mystical wizard

"who understands everything,
my cat is.

He's a genius."

I don't think so.

But it happens to me
all the time.

I'll just see Monkey
laying on the bed,

just looking out at nothing,
and I'll be like,

"I wonder what he's
thinking about.

Probably Egypt."

No.

No, he's just like, "Light--
ooh, is that a bug?

"Nope, okay.

Nap time."

And I used to think
my cats were fucked up.

I used to think that my cats
are, like, crazy,

'cause they were wild
when I found them.

I always had that excuse
in my head

for why my cats
were so skittish and weird.

But now I'm starting
to think it's me.

I'm starting to think it's me.

I'm the reason.

Like, they're just cats.

Like, you've been with me now
for, what, ten minutes?

Imagine if you were a cat.

I'm not the optimal owner
of a cat.

My cats go through a horrible
experience almost daily.

I mean, it's not unusual for me
to wake up

and within five minutes go,

"God damn it,
what's happening today?"

And I have to assume
the cats are like,

"We were just sleeping!

"What could be
the problem already?

We were all just sleeping;
what's going on"

And then I'll say, like,
"You guys want to eat, or what?"

"Why is it a question?

"What's going on?

"Oh, no, he's playing guitar.

"I'm going under the bed.

I'm going under the bed,
can't take this shit today."

And they've become really
friendly now with strangers,

which they never were,
and I really think it's,

they're trying to--
they want out.

Like, they just jump
on strangers' laps.

I can barely get them on my lap,
but I think they're like,

"Please, take us, take us.

"I don't know how
we got his guy,

but it's exhausting,
it's exhausting."

I don't like when people say,

"You're cats are like
your children."

No, they're not.

Not unless my children are
severely mentally challenged,

they're not like children.

Cats are not children.

They're never gonna surprise you
with a word.

They're not gonna win
a sports trophy ever.

Like, a cat is what it is
when you get it,

give or take a few movements,
slower or faster, but that's it.

Maybe if you have a certain
kind of of cat,

once or twice in a lifetime
you'll say, like,

"How'd you get up there?"

You know, and then...

And then you'll be like,
"I knew you were a genius."

But if that was my child,

that'd be horrible
if that was the proudest moment.

Like, "What are you doing

"on top of the refrigerator,
son?

"That's unbelievable.

"You just got up there
by yourself?

"At 7 years old?

"That's amazing.

We didn't think you
were gonna do anything ever."

God forbid I become like
that kind of cat parent,

where I'm just standing
over Monkey going,

"Say Daddy, say Daddy.

Come on, say it."

"Meow."

"That's what he meant!

He said it!"

I would hope anybody
who witnessed that would say,

"We got to get you
outside, man.

"This is sad.

"Too much time at the zoo here.

Time to socialize."

But my cats are a little tweaky,

because I--I'm an anxious,
angry-ish person.

Someone's laughing
at that already.

That's all it took?

Just my rationalization?

Just the setup?

No, you're really angry.

I'm not as angry
as I used to be.

I'm trying to get better.

Here's the thing, man.

I have an anger problem,
and that's not--

Like, there's people in here
who have anger problems.

I know who my people are,

and I know you know who you are.

And when you admit
you have an anger problem,

that's not casual conversation.

That's not something
that just comes up, like,

"Oh, yeah, I've got
an anger problem a little bit."

If you admit that out loud,
it's a default,

and usually there's at least
one crying person in the room.

You know, it's a Hail Mary pass.

It's not a rejoicing moment.

It's like, God,
I fucked it all up.

Better try to get this
back together.

But the weird thing
about having an anger problem

is that the one thing
we can admit

when we have
an anger problem is,

we fucking love it.

We love yelling.

We love it right up
until you're crying,

and two minutes
into you crying.

We love it.

And then we get scared that we
fucked things up permanently.

But it's in us,
and we can't admit that.

I'm not saying
it's good behavior.

But what I am saying
is that angry person can't--

Like, I can never say I'm not
gonna have an outburst.

I can't--that's a lie.

It's gonna happen.

What I've agreed to do
with myself and with others is,

I'm just gonna try
and tighten up the space

between outburst and apology.

I'm just gonna try
and bring those

a little closer together.

It's gotten pretty close.

This recently came
out of my mouth.

"Shut the fuck up,
I am sorry."

That's tight.

That's very tight.

I don't think it was
an effective apology.

I don't think
that the apology landed,

because I think it was
tonally inappropriate.

But my brain is working
in the right direction.

I'm getting better.

I don't know what to tell you.

I just have a river of rage

running through me
at all times.

It's just right there.

And as I get older,
I realize it's really up to me

as to whether or not I'm gonna
put the kayak in the water.

That's really what it
comes down to.

But some days you just want
to spend going,

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!"

And people you know
will get out of the way.

It's like, "He's in the boat;
get out of the way.

He's got the oar."

And I don't--you know,
it's like,

anger, it's satisfying
in a way,

and, like, sometimes
I'll even talk to myself.

That's ridiculous,
talking to yourself in public.

That's why I believe
you shouldn't

judge people who talk
to themselves in public

as crazy too quickly.

I know it's fun to be like,

"Oh, shit, look at that guy."

But, like, don't judge.

Don't be so quick to judge,
especially men.

If you see a man
talking to himself in public,

he's probably not crazy.

He's probably just
in a relationship.

And what you're seeing is,

he's taken the fight
to the street,

where he's gonna win it
on his terms.

That's what's happening.

If you see a man talking
to himself in public,

he's probably doing
the right thing.

He probably just left
a situation where he said,

"This is bullshit,
I'm taking a fucking walk!"

And you just caught him
in the middle of his process.

It's something along the lines
of, like,

"Fuck her,
I don't deserve that shit.

"Why am I even living
with that bitch?

What a fucking mistake
that was."

He's actually on his way
to apologize.

That's what you're seeing.

He's making the loop,

where he's gonna walk in
and say, "Sorry, baby.

It's my fault,
I apologize."

And you're gonna say,
"It's okay.

I'm glad you took a walk."

But just know,
out there on the street,

we won that fight.

There was no gray area either.

We won it.

Yeah, anger's like--

like, I feel good right now.

I'm actually--I'm not as angry.

And it's weird to perform
being pleasant.

Like, I'm pretty open,

and, like, I saw some of you
outside on the street.

We had a nice conversation.

I'm like, oh, look
at these nice people

who've come to see my show.

But I don't like me.

You know, like, so--

But it's okay,
but, like, I had to realize.

I remember the moment
where I knew

that I liked being angry.

You make a choice.

Like, there's a moment there
where you're like,

"You don't have to do that."

And then you're just,
like, in it.

I'll explain,
here's what happened.

I'd spent about--
I have to preface this story

by saying I can't seem
to leave my house

without forgetting
at least three things.

I don't know if it's my age,
but I can't--

like, I'll leave, I'll get
to the bottom of my hill,

and I'll be like,
"Fuck, my pants!"

And then I got to go back.

Obviously, I didn't really
not have my pants.

"I don't know why Maron feels

"like he has to explain
that joke.

"It's okay just to have
a ridiculous punch line

"that's abstract and ridiculous.

"Every night,
he explains that joke.

"Stupid.

More later."

So...all right, here we go.

So I spent about 20 minutes
making a cup of coffee.

And you'd be right
to ask yourself,

like, that seems long.

It seems like a long time

to take to prepare
a cup of coffee.

Well, what happened was,

I'd gone to
a hipster coffee shop,

and I ordered--once, once--

I ordered the single-source
pour-over cup.

That's where they take a cone

and put it over
one cup of coffee

with just enough grounds
in the cone for that one cup,

and then they trickle
hot water over it,

because it's the best way
to have a cup of coffee.

Once, I did that.

Now, when you do that,
part of your brain is like,

"What is this bullshit?

What are we fucking
standing here for?"

And then the other part of you
is like,

"No, it's the best way
to have coffee.

"It's a nice way to have it.

You can really
taste the flavor."

It's like, "What are you,
a fucking sucker?

"It's coffee!

"What are we standing here

watching this idiot
trickle water for?"

And I'm like,
"Well, can we not do this

in front of the barista?"

"We're not doing it
out loud yet."

You know, okay.

So something resonated
about the process,

because now I was
doing it at home,

which is why it took 20 minutes.

So I'm at home, and I'm
trickling water into a cone,

and that part of my brain
is like,

"Are you fucking kidding me?

"We're doing this at home?

You idiot!"

I'm like, "Why are you yelling?
What do we got to lose?"

"Life!
Time!"

And I'm excited.

You know,
I made the cup of coffee.

I'm like, this is gonna
fuel my rage on the highway.

I'm gonna be jacked up.

And I put it in my travel cup,
and I hit the road,

and I got to the bottom
of my hill,

and I'm like, fuck yeah,
coffee--god damn it!

Coffee's on the counter
in the kitchen.

Now...

In that moment,
I should have just let it go.

But for no reason at all, none,

I was like, "I'm backing
up the fucking hill."

Now, it's a quarter of mile.

There's cars on both sides.

And no reason.

I'm like...

[angry revving noise]

"Fuck this!"

Now, when I got
to the front of my house

and I had not hit any cars,

my first thought was,
"You're a fucking idiot."

But the louder thought was,
"Nailed it.

I fucking nailed it."

That was impressive.

I mean, I think there's
an argument to be made

we do that every morning.

I'm invigorated.

I don't even need coffee.

Maybe you could
get the neighbors involved.

You get to the bottom
of the hill,

honk the horn,
everyone comes out,

you wave and smile

and just jam it
up the fucking hill backwards.

That's how my brain works.

I don't know what--I don't know
how it all happened.

I don't know why--I don't know
why I'm like I am.

Do you ever think about that?

Not why I'm like I am.

But like why you're
like you are?

Do you ever think about, like,
when you were a little kid?

Like, what happened to that kid,
right?

Sort of a sad moment.

Like, there was a time
where some of us

could just be like,
"Look, I have a rock!"

And that was enough.

That was enough.

What happened to that kid?

He's in there still.

I still think he's in there.

But, you know,
you just crush him down.

Like, you're just walking
down the street,

and he's like, "Look, a rock!"

You're like, "Shut up.

"No time for rocks now.

Rock's not gonna
fix it anymore."

Sometimes, like, do you ever
look at other people

and, like, see them as a kid?

Like, sometimes
I have to do that

just so I don't hate them.

Do you ever, like--

You ever have that moment
where you're just like,

"Ah, I fucking hate that guy,"

and then you picture him
as a kid, you're like,

"Oh, he was that kid, yeah.

It was never easy
for that guy."

That's the other thing
that's weird about me.

Like, contempt and empathy
are very close together.

Like, I don't like--

There were things
I used to be angry about

that I'm really not angry
about anymore.

But my brain doesn't know that.

You know, it's like
phantom limb anger, you know?

Like, it's just--
my heart's not into it,

but my brain
will still do that.

Like, I'm a 51-year-old man.

I never have to have
this thought:

"Fuck that beard!"

I don't like--it's not--

Why would I fucking
have that thought?

That guy's beard isn't
doing anything to bother you.

But, like, my brain is like,

"There's no integrity
in that beard.

"That's not a real beard.

"That's a coffee shop beard.

That kind of--"

"That beard in the wild
lives off the grid

"and shits in an outhouse

"and thinks the Jews
run the government.

"That beard, that guy
did not earn that beard.

He's a victim of the
Mumford-ing of America."

[applause]

So my brain has to roll
through all that

to, like, let it go.

Like, it's just--
it's gotten better.

I see this as a sign
of progress, you know?

Like, I was walking
down the street near my house,

probably talking to myself.

And I look up, and I just see
this dude walking towards me.

I don't even know.

I don't even know what it was,

but my brain just went,
"Fuck that guy,"

like immediately.

"Fuck that guy."

And then, like,
two seconds later,

my brain went, "Aw, he's sad."

And I think when they're
that close together,

we can call it "contempathy."

And that's a sign of progress.

I think that's a sign
of progress.

Thank you very much
for the consult.

[applause]

Let's walk around.

"Maron's up;
he's off the stool.

"This never goes well.

"He does it on impulse
and then just makes his way

back to the stool."

"More later."

What was I talking about?

Childhood.

It's weird what sticks
in your brain from childhood.

I think there's a couple
of things I remember.

Like, one thing happened
just out of nowhere.

I went to Trader Joe's, and--

Let's not get excited
about Trader Joe's.

Let's get over the excitement
about Trader Joe's.

It's not that great.

I know we were all
excited at first.

Like, "Do you have
a Trader Joe's?"

"Yeah, we just got one."

But now, like,
you're over it, right?

You go there, you get
the three things you get there.

All Trader Joe's did
was add another stop.

That's all it really did.

Now you got to go
to the regular supermarket

and go get the three things
at Trader Joe's.

That's all it did.

Produce is never good,
to the point where you're like,

"What the fuck
is wrong with this?"

You know, I got--I don't want
to talk about Trader Joe's,

but the point is...

It just gets to a point
where you're like,

something's got to be evil here.

There's got to be evil
at Trader Joe's.

I don't know what it is,

but I think we're all
gonna find out

all at once eventually.

The point being,

I bought a bunch of bags
of the trail mix, the raw mix.

It doesn't matter what kind.

It doesn't matter;
it's a detail.

"Maron, just get on
with the joke.

More later."

Childhood, so here's--

So I dump a bag of the trail mix
into my face,

and there's, like,
a bad nut in there.

I chewed it,
and it was all bitter.

It was bad; it was bad.

But it was too late
to spit it out,

so I swallowed
this bitter, bad nut.

And I had a moment of panic,

and then that song from
childhood popped into my head.

* Found a peanut,
found a peanut, found a-- *

And then, all of a sudden,
I'm like,

"Oh, I think that guy dies
in that song."

Like, I'm freaking out.

Like, I'm pretty sure he dies
in that song.

So I go to the computer,
and I'm like--

and I Google the lyrics
to "Found a Peanut."

Did not Google what to do
if you eat a bad nut.

Googled the lyrics
of "Found a Peanut."

And I'm like, "He does die.

"He dies.

I'm gonna have
to ride this out."

And I think,
if I'm remembering correctly,

the last verse,
he goes to heaven

and gets a better nut
or something.

And it's way too late for me
on the heaven thing.

So now I'm just like,

"I don't know what's gonna
happen for me in this."

I made it through.
I made it through.

It was touch-and-go.

Thank god for that song.

Had that to kind of
comfort me, in a way.

Transcended that element
of childhood.

What are you rambling about?

"Keep the meta voices
just to one, please.

More later."

So--oh, the other memory

from childhood that was
very important to me

is that, when I was a kid,

I grew up in
Albuquerque, New Mexico,

and we had a local
children's show host

in Albuquerque
named Captain Billy,

and we liked Captain Billy.

We loved him.

We watched him when we were
eating our cereal,

like, me and my brother.

I was eating my Cocoa Pebbles,

and he was eating
Fruity Pebbles,

which are bullshit.

Never got it, just never got
the Fruity Pebbles.

Like, I still resent him
a little bit now, even,

for putting me through watching
him eat Fruity Pebbles, just--

But it's just, like, you know,
with Cocoa Pebbles,

you're working towards
chocolate milk.

You're gonna get chocolate milk.

I mean, what do you get
with Fruity Pebbles?

Just, like, this gay milk.

It's just gay milk.

"Maron feels weird about using
the word 'gay' in that context,

"but he rationalizes it
by thinking

"that Fruity Pebbles
had many colors,

"giving it a rainbow theme,

"which poetically
gives it a pride element.

"It's a stretch,

"but that's how Maron
makes that joke okay.

More later."

So...

How about Captain Crunch kids?

What the fuck was wrong
with their mouth?

How could you eat that shit?

Like, there were people
that could eat Captain Crunch,

and then just--
I had it once, and you're like,

"What--it just ripped
my mouth up!"

Like, I think all
those Captain Crunch kids

just became, like, psychopaths
or football players

or circus performers--
I don't know.

I couldn't eat it.

How about these kids?

"I like Cheerios."

No, you don't.

And you really got to start
pushing back now,

or it's gonna be
a long, sad life for you.

Tell them to get you
a fun cereal.

They can afford it.

Get your own cereal.

"But I like Cheerios."

You don't.

And if you don't push back now,

you're gonna be a Cheerios pussy
your entire life.

Metaphorically.

Just middle management
for you and your Cheerios.

So, anyways, Captain Billy.

Is this getting through
to the balcony?

Are you okay up there?

[cheers and applause]

Do you feel alienated?

[applause]

You want me to deconstruct

what just happened in my head
and why I checked in with you?

So I'm doing good down here,

but somehow in my mind I'm like,
balcony's not with me.

Like, I just made the decision
based on nothing.

I think I looked
at one person up there,

and I just see,
like, a vague head,

and this is what it looked like.

But, like, I project
all the time.

I don't know what people
are thinking about.

Why do I assume it's about me?

I don't know what
kind of life you live

or what kind of day you had.

That guy could be like,
"I hope I hid that body well.

"Maron thinks he knows his fans,

"but I just buried
someone today.

"Bet you I'm the only one
in here who did that.

Fuckin' Maron."

Anyways, Captain Billy.

So here's what happens.

We used to watch Captain Billy.

Wore a captain hat,
had a big mustache,

captain's blazer.

He had puppets,
and he'd show cartoons,

and he'd teach us things.

And we loved him.

We loved Captain Billy.

At that point in my life--
I guess I was about 7--

my father was a doctor.

It's unclear what he does now.

We're in touch, but I don't
press him for any information,

because it just doesn't
go anyplace good.

But he was a doctor.

And one day he came home
from the hospital for dinner,

which was rare,

and he sat at the dinner table,
and just out of nowhere he said,

"Someone shot
Captain Billy today.

"He's at the hospital.

He's in critical condition."

I couldn't even
wrap my brain around it.

I'm like, "Wha-what?

"Why would anyone
shoot Captain Billy, Dad?

Why?"

And my father, never being
appropriate in his life,

to this day, looks at his
7-year-old son in the eyes

and goes, "Some guy caught him
screwing his wife."

And in retrospect,
that is the most important

lesson I learned
from Captain Billy.

[applause]

Don't do that.

It's a commandment
for a reason.

That commandment will lead
to the other one: murder.

Do you ever think about
how fucked up

the world must have been when
they wrote the commandments?

Like, how out of control
shit was,

for a group of guys to come up
with those fucking rules?

It was a group of people.

It was not--God didn't
say that to anyone.

I don't want to shatter
anyone's--okay, grown-ups?

So the--

[laughs]

[applause]

But could you--I just picture,
like, five guys,

like, locked into a barn,
just panicked.

They're like, "We got to make
some fucking rules!

"It's fucking crazy out there!

"Some guy shot my brother
'cause of his hair.

"No reason!

"Just killed him on the street,
didn't shoot him,

"because we don't
have guns yet!

"Killed him with a rock!

"Saw a guy fucking a dog
on the street!

"It's impossible to run
a business in this environment.

We have to make some rules."

"How do we get them
to listen to the rules?"

"We'll invent a god.

They're morons!"

"Maron feels a little
uncomfortable

"that he's going into
religious-type material,

"because it's not
what he does right now.

"But I think
they can handle it.

More later."

Yeah, I don't, like--
you know, whatever.

Do what you want.

You know what I mean?

Hang your hopes on whatever
you got to hang your hopes on.

You know, it's like life
after a certain point,

like, whatever meaning
you're looking for,

you'll realize one day, like,

"Shit, I think all I'm doing
is buffering disappointment."

"Marc just crashed it.

"Just threw the whole
fucking set in the garbage.

"Everything was going fine.

"Just got to throw out some
amateur existential garbage

"into the brains
of his adoring fans

"so that they doubt everything.

"This is the best part of Maron.

More later."

I--I don't have time to--

I'm a Jew,
whatever that means.

Yeah, we "whoo,"
but what does it mean?

I'm a Jew;
culturally I'm a Jew.

I was brought up a Jew.

I did the thing.

I made a little money.

Then you--what, it's, like,
a language you don't understand.

You don't even understand
when you learn to read it.

There's no real message there.

And if you grew up, like,
middle-class conservative Jew,

you don't get any real lessons.

And at some point, when you're
a kid and you're a Jew,

you say to your mom,
"Mom, do Jews have a god?"

And your mom goes, "Just eat.

And remember we're better
than other people."

That's it.

That's American Judaism
in a nutshell.

I don't know if this
is gonna be in the special.

[applause]

My neighborhood is--

Let's just do--
let's get through it.

I don't know a lot
about religion.

I'm not very sophisticated
with that stuff.

I just--I don't have a god
in place,

and that doesn't seem
to concern me.

Like, I'll just deal
with my weird discomfort

existentially with, you know,
with food and masturbating

and, you know, movies.

Just keep feeding the hole.

I don't know why that--

Isn't that what being American
is all about?

[cheers and applause]

I got a gig in North Carolina,
in Raleigh, North Carolina.

I had booked a gig
on Easter weekend,

and I didn't even know
it was Easter weekend.

All right, so I booked a gig.

They were sending a neurotic,
godless, angry Jew

to the American South

on arguably the most Jesus-y
weekend of the year.

And I didn't know
anything about--

Like, I don't know
anything about it.

I know who Jesus is.

I know he was a man.

Like, I know he had a beard.

I know he took the hit
for everybody.

I get the concept.

I get the concept
of the Jesus religion.

"Oh, you think you got it bad?

Get a load of that guy."

"Cancer, huh?
That's sad.

Look at Jesus."

"Your dog is sick?"

But, you know--

But I'm an empathetic person.

I figured that out.

I learned empathy.

Like, I always had it,
but I had to reengage it.

I didn't know what
the word "empathy" meant

for a long time,

and I didn't really experience
it very effectively

during that time.

But now I kind of know
what it means.

I think, like, for me,

the working definition
of empathy is being able

to put yourself in the place
of the person you're yelling at.

Like, I think that's the primer.

That's how I learned it.

So I'm going to the South,
and I'm starting to feel

empathy for the people that are
gonna be in my audience.

It's an important weekend
for them

that have Jesus in their heart
and might still believe,

and I don't want
to be rude to them.

And I like Christians
that are like,

"Yeah, I grew up with it,
but I don't got it anymore."

So it's like he's just out?

He's just out of your heart?

He just goes?

But he's close by, right?

Like, in a pinch, he's back,
right?

Like, Jesus is just--
he's just down at the drug store

having a Coke, right?

Could you just picture Jesus
at the counter of a drug store

like, "Oh, shit, he thinks
he has something on his dick.

"I got to--all right.

"What?

"Yeah, I don't know
what that is either.

"Why don't you go to a doctor?

I hope it works out okay."

"Oh, shit, he's on an airplane.

"What?
What do you want?

"I don't know
if it's gonna crash.

"Yeah, it's scary.

It is scary."

Okay?
Okay.

So my first gig is Good Friday,

and I don't know
anything about it.

I genuinely do not know
what it is.

So I'm in my hotel room
in North Carolina,

and I Google Jesus.

And I read a little bit,

and then I'm taken
to the Good Friday Wiki.

And I read a little bit,

and what I learned
fairly quickly

is that that was not
a good day for Jesus,

at all, really.

Arguably the worst day
of Jesus's life.

And I don't know,
those of you who are hanging on

to hopes that he'll come back,

maybe one of the reasons
he's not

is the cold, hard,
literal irony

of calling that day
by that name.

Maybe you should rally
a little grassroots momentum

towards the Pope
to change the fucking name

to something more honest,

like The Worst Fucking Day
of Jesus's Life Day.

Then maybe Jesus will be like,

"All right,
that was a nice gesture.

I'll go down and see if I can
salvage some of those morons."

And by morons,
I don't mean anyone in here.

Are you getting mad, lady?

Are you getting upset?

You okay?
Okay.

I just projected
a personality onto her.

So anyways, so I'm reading
the story of Good Friday,

and I have to relate to it
in a personal way,

because that's
how I read things.

I'm not saying
that I'm Jesus-like

or that I have any aspirations
to being a Jesus.

I mean...

I think I have the charisma
and...

charm to be a cult leader,

but I lack the vision,
quite honestly.

I lack the vision.

Clearly, I can bring
people together.

I can get people
into the room.

But if you guys had those
kind of expectations,

I believe you'd be
disappointed.

You'd be leaving going like,
"I wasn't uplifted at all.

I don't think that guy
has got his message together."

'Cause it would get sad.

Eventually you'd all be like.

And I'd be like, "Aw, I'm sorry.

"I guess I'm just gonna
get something to eat

and go back to my hotel."

But 200 years from now,
theologians will be like,

"What Maron meant by a hotel

"was, aren't we all guests?

"We are, aren't we?

"I think that it fell
on deaf ears

"when Maron was preaching
his gospel.

"But now he's more understood.

"And sadly,
that was the last night

"anyone saw him in Chicago.

"Rumor has it
he entered the water

trying to catch fish
underneath the water."

"Maron's riffing about Jesus
for no reason.

"Gone completely off-road now.

More later."

So...okay.

Let's stay in it.

It's all gonna turn around.

I want to make sure
I got this in the can.

Good Friday, let me see
if I can get it right.

Jesus is in trouble.

He's standing before Pilate.

Pilate's like, "Oh, this guy.

"Oh, god, I don't want
to deal with this.

Go to the Jews,
let Herod deal with you."

Jesus goes to Herod.

In my mind, Herod goes,
"Oy oy oy.

"What am I gonna do
with this guy?

Troublemaker, this one."

Some Christian came up to me
after a show and he said,

"You know, Herod wasn't a Jew."

I'm like,
don't buzzkill with truth.

So...so then Herod goes,

"Go back to Pilate;
I don't want to deal with this."

And then Jesus goes back
to Pilate, and Pilate's like,

"Why are you back?

"I don't want anything
to do with this.

"Let's ask the crowd
what to do.

What should we do with Jesus?"

And the crowd goes, "Kill him!"

That's the story, right?

So Jesus died
because of a shitty crowd?

[applause]

I've had that experience.

But I can just come back
and try again.

Jesus really died,
right, adults?

He died,

and then he came back
from the dead, right?

Grown-up people?

Came back from the dead.

That's it, right?

And people believe that.

They're like, "Yeah,"
and you can't argue with them.

Like, it's impossible.

"No, it's Jesus."

I just want to postulate
this idea.

Is it possible that, like,
a few of the apostles were like,

"Fuck, he's dead,
we're out of work.

"We got to...

"Where's the body?
Where's the body?

"I think we can hoist it up.

"Let's just get
behind this hill right here.

"Are they looking?

"Are they looking?

"They're crying and praying?

"Great, we did it.

"Throw him back down.

We're set, we're set."

Reasonable question in
the culture we live in today:

Do you think Jesus was
a fast zombie or a slow zombie?

[groaning, laughter]

Why?

Why?

Why'd I have to do that

to people that had Jesus
in their mind?

I just sullied your pristine
image of your--of Jesus.

Like, you had the like...

And now you had to indulge...

[roars]

Wouldn't that be insane,
if he came back like that?

People would be so freaked out.

They're like,
"Oh, Jesus is back."

"That's great."

"No, it's not, it's not great."

"What are you talking about?

We've been waiting."

"He's eating children."

"Wait, Jesus is
eating children?"

"He's eating everybody.

He's just eating people;
it's horrible."

"Wow, this is not
what we expected."

"I know, right?"

"What are you gonna do?"

"Well, I'm gonna follow Jesus.

"I've been waiting.

I don't see why this
should stand in the way."

- "All right, well, fuck,
he's coming.

Let's just run for now."

"All right, Maron's gonna not
talk about Jesus anymore now."

I don't love kale;
I don't love it.

You know, I eat it,
but I don't love it.

Do you love it?

Like, when did it happen?

When did the kale thing
happen culturally?

When did the cultural
conversation about kale begin?

I went through my whole life,

never had one conversation
about kale.

Now one out of three
involve it somehow.

It was recent.

Like, maybe three years ago,
the first idiot came up to me

and said, "You eating kale?"

I'm like, "No, I'm not."

"Then you're dying!

"You're dying!

"You need to eat kale.

"Juice it or something.

Get it in you."

All right, I'll make note;
I'll eat it.

"Do it in front of me!"

Now you're weird.

Now it's just
a weird thing you're doing.

Maybe I had one conversation
about kale.

When I was a little kid,

my family went to
an all-you-can-eat restaurant,

and I was getting food
with my dad,

and I think I said, "Dad, what
are all these green leaves

on the ice around the food
we're getting?"

And my dad--I'm paraphrasing--
said, "Oh, that's kale.

They grow it for garbage."

When did kale make the jump
from buffet garnish

to life essential?

When did that happen?

It's around the same time
that people

started putting bacon
in everything.

I can track those.

Same time I had the kale
conversation, the first one,

it was around the same time
the first guy came up to me

and said, "You ever had
a bacon cupcake?"

I'm like,
"No, bacon's not for cupcakes."

"It is now, man.

Sweet and savory,
get on board, bro."

About three years ago,
kale and bacon

replaced good and evil
in our culture.

And you just have to find
someplace between them

to lead a moral life.

And let's be honest.

There's only two ways
to prepare kale

that I have found.

You can either prepare it sadly
or self-righteously.

Those are the only two ways
to prepare kale.

[applause]

This is sadly.

"God, this is bullshit, man.

Why am I eating this?"

And this is self-righteously.

"Mm-hmm, yes, I am eating this.

"Daddy's eating healthy, Monkey.

Look at Daddy eating kale."

Let's talk about love, I guess.

What are you doing down there?

What's the matter?

- I have to take
a picture.

I can't help it.

- You have to take a picture?

Of me?

- Yes,
I don't know why--

- I know why,
'cause you're drunky.

You're all drunky.

- If I'm totally sober,
I would still do it.

- If you're totally sober,
you'll still do it?

All right.

Well, I don't know that I want

to stop the entire momentum
of the show

to indulge your drunken desire
to take a picture of me.

I know that you've had
a few cocktails,

and somehow or other,
you've decided

that this is
just about me and you.

But no, it's not.

The whole night--okay, okay.

Here, I have an idea.

Don't ruin
the rest of the evening.

[cheers and applause]

So...

Okay, yeah, I've been through
some relationships lately.

Some of you are up to speed
on some of that stuff.

Some bad ones,
there's been some bad ones.

Like, I was with a woman for
a few years, like 3 1/2 years.

I almost married her,
until I realized

I don't think she likes me
at all, ever.

That's a weird moment.

You ever had that moment
where you wake up

and you're with someone
for 3 1/2 years,

and you're like, "You've never
liked me at all, have you?"

And then you have
to ask yourself,

"Why the hell
did I let that happen?"

And for me, it was like,
that was the best three years

of my life every other way.

Career picked up,
I was making a living again.

I wasn't hating on myself
at all.

But some part of my brain
was like,

"We can outsource that job."

Bring her in to do it,
be fine.

And that was an angry
relationship, man.

I can't do that anymore.

I can't do the angry--
like, I'm so much better.

I'm so much better.

You know when you're
an angry person,

and then you find
another angry person,

and you just yell
and fuck and cry,

and you think that's intimacy,
the crying part,

and...

It's just crazy.

It's crazy,
and it's embarrassing.

But, like, it's hard
to get out of that,

because there's no sex
better than the sex

had on a pile of clothing

taken out of drawers
to leave you with.

I mean, there's really
no sex better than that.

So much depends on that.

You really got to show up
for work that day.

No sloppy apologizing
in the middle of that one.

You don't want to end with,

"Sorry, I don't know
what happened."

You need to end with, like,
"That's right, baby.

What do you say
we put these clothes away?"

But it's embarrassing
to be in a yelling relationship,

because, like,
you have neighbors.

It's like,
you get ashamed of yourself.

You're screaming at each other,

and then one day you realize,
like,

they've got to be
hearing everything.

Like, I see my neighbor
putting his garbage out,

and I got to fight the urge
to not say,

"I'm not hitting her.

"Not hitting her.

"Just emotional abuse,
we're both doing it.

"We're both doing it.

"I mean, you hear the shit
she says, right?

"You hear that shit, right?

"Why you looking at me weird?

"She doesn't even live here.

"You're my fucking neighbor.

Pick a team, asshole!"

Yeah, almost married that one.

Then there was
the age-appropriate one

who I thought
I was in love with,

and that was rough.

That was crazy.

She started the relationship
by saying this to me.

"I will not tolerate yelling,

and I will not
tolerate leaving."

So--so what do I do, then?

When both of those would be
the right thing to do.

Crying was the answer.

Crying was okay.

I'll squirt out a few tears.

I don't mind.

That's what's right
underneath the angry,

just a sad little boy

with a rock
that no one cares about.

How come no one...

Don't you like my rock?

That it, really.

That's all that's under there,
under anger.

Like, if you're ever yelling
at a woman and you're a man,

95% of the time,
all you should be saying is,

"Why can't you be my mommy?

Why are you not my mommy?"

I know men in here are like,

"Thanks for giving them
that tool, Marc.

"That was really gonna help us.

Whose team are you on, brother?"

Just think it's true.

But I'll cry,
I'll cry a little bit.

I don't mind crying;
it's good for you.

But I will say this.

The two most embarrassing things

you can be caught doing
as a man--

or maybe I should just say
"as this man,"

are either crying
uncontrollably,

just weeping uncontrollably,

or experiencing profound joy.

Let me try and--
I'll illustrate it

for you physically.

Like, either this:

Oh, god,
what am I gonna do?

[blubbering]

Why?!

[sobbing]

[screaming]

That.

Or this:

Yay!

Ooh, yay!

[applause]

And if you think
that you have profound joy

in your life
and you're not doing that,

you're tempering it,
and probably for good reason,

because who would tolerate that
for more than once?

Ooh, breakfast!

Yow!

Okay, turn it down
a little bit.

Turn it down.

Not attractive.

But I feel so good!

So that relationship
didn't work out.

Then I had
a long-distance relationship,

which was--

"Maron apparently needed
to fiddle

"with the mic stand
for a little while.

More later."

The long-distance thing
is weird.

You can actually make it work
because of technology.

You can have
a long-distance relationship

with some sense of intimacy,
because you can Skype.

You can talk in real-time
to a person

and watch them talk to you
in real-time on your screen,

and you can say things,
like romantic things like,

"Move closer
so your head's actual-size."

"It's weird, right?"

You can have Skype sex,

which is a cute way of saying

masturbating to each other,
masturbating in real-time

while you watch
each other masturbating.

That's cool.

Everyone's done it,
or you will do it.

It's only the first time
that it's weird.

The first time,
when you're like,

"I guess we're doing this.

"Are we doing it?

"We're doing it.

Oh, shit."

But by the second time,
you're like, "Are you set up?

"All right, get set up.

"I thought it was now.

I'll Skype back in five,
get set up."

There's only one rule
for Skype sex, really.

The only advice I can give you

is, stay focused
on what's happening.

Just stay focused.

Don't let your eyes drift

to the little box
in the left-hand corner.

Just stay on this.

Try to avoid that moment
where you're like,

"Who's this sad
masturbating guy?

"Oh, shit, that's me.

Why do I even keep
that box open?"

Positioning.

"Am I in?
Is everything in?

"You good?

"You can see all of it?

It's all in?
Okay."

It's the universal sign
for jerking off.

That doesn't mean anything
anywhere else.

There's no culture where this
means ripping your dick off.

Or there was one,
but they didn't survive.

"Maron's so proud
of that stupid joke.

More later."

It's weird, though.

Like, I don't know
where the gender conversation

or debate is
on any given day.

You know, I know there's
constant issues and struggles.

I understand that.

But I do know that one show,

a woman came up to me
after the show,

after I had done that,

and she said, angrily,

"You know,
women masturbate too."

And I'm like, "Oh, I didn't
know I had to cover...

What do you want me to do?"

Like, so now I've got
to be like...

or...

Do you remember the first time

you saw a woman
masturbating in front of you,

and the first thought
you had was,

"Wow, that thing
can take a beating.

"I thought that was
a fragile flower.

"But you look like
you're digging for something.

"Oh, my god.

"Do you want me
to touch it like that?

"Like that?
Really, like that?

"Oh, my god,
we got to ease into that.

I can't even look at you
the same way right now."

I don't know.

See, I don't talk
about sex that much,

because for some reason,
we decided it's not--

I have to talk about it
a little bit.

I've been talking about it
more lately on stage.

Like, it's--
there's a weird difference

between, like, pants time
and no-pants time.

Like, you know, no-pants time,
we all do that.

We're all, like--
we're fucking filthy animals,

you know?

It's amazing.

And then we just have to, like,

"Now I'm going to work."

Right?

I'm fascinated with it,
kind of.

It's weird, like--
I'll share this.

I don't really know why I do,
but I kind of know why.

Like, that woman who I almost
had a baby with,

the one who I was
gonna marry,

like, she really wanted a baby,
all right?

I'm gonna try to walk over here.

She really wanted a baby.

And I didn't really want one,
right?

But I didn't use protection
or anything,

because I'm like,
"Let's roll the dice."

So...

And I'm a child
when it comes to protection.

Like, "I can't feel anything."

Yeah, I'm that guy, at 51.

I'm not proud, I'm not proud,
all right?

People are like,
"What about diseases?"

Well, you know, you speculate.

So...

Anyways, I'm sharing this
for reasons that I don't know,

but I'm going to.

Like, she--

Maybe it's to find out
if anyone's ever felt this.

Like, she wanted a baby so bad,

and I didn't want one,
but she did badly.

So, like, if I came

anywhere within a foot
of her vagina,

I swear I had to keep
an eye on that come.

[groaning, laughter]

It's like, "All right,
I'll get a Kleenex,

"but that stays out.

"That stays on the tummy.

"It doesn't go in, right?

"Don't want a finger baby.

I'd like to be part of it."

[groaning, laughter]

Really, that's where
you're gonna draw the line?

That, to most of you, is like,

"I don't know
if we need to know that."

Isn't that weird,
that that's it?

Like, we're all people here,
right?

Everyone in here,
everyone,

has had come on them.

Every one of you

has had come on you.

Every woman in here has said,

"Can you get something, please?

"Yes, it is a lot.

"Could you just get something?

"Just get a towel--
not that towel.

Get the shitty towel."

Every man in here
has surprised himself

with the masturbation session

he didn't think
was gonna happen.

"Oh, shit, oh, fuck,
okay, okay."

Everyone has had come on them.

It's where we come from.

It's what bonds us.

Come.

It is.

And we're all filthy--

It's just so funny to me.

Like, you know when you do
something sexually one night,

and you look at your partner,
and you're like,

"Holy shit, did that happen?

Wow, we are dirty."

And then you just got to go
to work the next day

and just act like a person,

and not like a filthy monster.

It's like...

It's the only thing that keeps
society, like, together,

is pants and shame.

That's the only thing that--

All right.

Let's close with something big.

Ice cream can go fuck itself.

I know some of you are like,
"I don't understand.

"Ice cream is fun.

"It's, like, great.

What would be the problem?"

Because it's fucking horrible.

Because I can't--like, I have
an issue with ice cream.

For me, ice cream
is for children to enjoy

and for me to feel ashamed of,
all right?

This is just
the way I operate.

I'm a drug addict.

I haven't done anything
in, like, 16 years.

[applause]

It's all right, no.

Doesn't make me a good person.

My point is,
if I eat a little ice cream,

I don't know how long
it's gonna go on for.

It could go on
for fucking weeks.

Like, I have a daily struggle
with ice cream.

And it's pathetic,
but it's real.

Because ice cream,
it's the perfect drug.

It can work both ways.

Like, this show's gone well.

Like, I could end the show,

and part of me would be like,

"I kind of want
to keep this party going.

Could get a little ice cream,
just, like, keep rocking."

Or let's say the set went badly
and I was like,

"Ugh, why do I even do comedy?

"I don't want to live anymore.

I'm gonna get some ice cream."

It'll work both ways.

It's a beautiful drug.

But it's a struggle for me,
because I'm compulsive.

Like, maybe if I
walk you through it,

you'd have move sympathy
for this struggle.

Okay, let's do it.

[laughs]

What am I doing?

You don't know what I'm doing?

It's like this weird--
like, could you imagine

if you had OCD as a comic,

and you only have, like,
three things to work with?

Ah!

I guess that was
a short performance piece

called "OCD Guy."

[applause]

Thank you.

[applause]

Okay.

So here's what'll happen.

Ice cream, this is the struggle.

Let's say I just did--let's say
I just did a good set

at the Comedy Store
in Hollywood, and I drive home.

I get home at 11:45 at night.

I walk into my house,
and I think, like,

that was a good day,
had a good set.

I'm just gonna get some sleep
like a grown-up.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

And then part of my brain
will be like, "Fuck that.

"It's fucking ice cream time,
let's go!

Let's get some ice cream!"

I'm like,
"No, you know, it's late.

"There's no reason to eat
ice cream at this hour.

"You know, we're adults.

I don't think
we need to do that."

"Fuck you, adult asshole.

Let's get some ice cream."

And then I might try
to do this one.

"No, the store closes.

It's closed;
we're never gonna make it."

"You can make it, man.

"You can make it
if you leave right now.

All right, it's open
for ten more minutes."

And I'm like, "I don't
really think we should-- "

"Shut up!
Go get it!"

I'm like,
"All right, all right."

So then I'm driving.

Going to get ice cream.

And you know when you have
that singleness of purpose

where you're like,
"Oh, this is gonna be good,"

because nothing--ice cream's
always going to deliver.

There's nothing in life
that is that steady,

where you're like,
"I'm gonna get it,

"and it's gonna go
in my mouth,

and it's gonna be
fucking great."

So I'm driving,
and I get to the store,

and I can see
they're trying to close,

and I have to fight the urge
to not say this out loud.

"I'm getting ice cream."

So then you kind of scramble
to the ice cream freezer,

and, like, and you just
stand before it.

"Yay!

Ooh!"

And then, if you haven't
been there in a few weeks,

then the next thought is like,

"Wow, Ben & Jerry's
has been up to some shit.

What is happening?"

It's like 90 new flavors.

Why don't they just make
a flavor that's called

"There's way too much shit
in this ice cream, yay"?

You always have that moment
where you pick it up, it's like,

"Wow, Cheddar Goldfish.

"Well, I guess they know
what they're doing.

"Bacon, of course.

"Pennies, that's weird.

"Pennies.

I'll try it."

So...

In my mind, I'm gonna get
one pint of ice cream.

I mean, it's gonna
last me a couple of days.

What?

And I always think that.

Every time I do it,
I always think that.

And this is what happens.

I get a complicated flavor,
maybe a new one,

maybe an old standby,
like Peanut Butter Cup perhaps.

So I get the complicated flavor,

and I'll be like,
"All right, this is good.

We'll just spread this out
a couple days."

I'll walk three steps,
and I'll be like,

"Shit, need some vanilla
to cut it with.

"Gonna need a cut.

"Got to cut this.

"You can't eat this straight.

You know, you got
to step on it a little bit."

So...

So now I'm walking out
with two pints of ice cream.

I didn't want any ice cream,
and now I've got two pints.

And I'm going home
thinking I'm gonna be

responsible with the ice cream.

Now, here's what happens
when I get home.

I get inside my house,
and I think,

"All right, this first bowl

is gonna be
a grown-up bowl of ice cream."

See, I already fucked up,

'cause I'm saying
the first bowl.

My only bowl...

is gonna be a grown-up bowl
of ice cream.

So then I'll thaw
the stuff out,

take a few minutes
to thaw it out.

Then I'll take the tops off,
get a bowl, a spoon.

Put about a third
of the complicated flavor in,

then a couple hits
of the cut in there,

put the lids on,
put it back, in the freezer,

and then go sit down
on my couch

and eat a grown-up bowl
of ice cream

with a spoon and bowl.

So I just sit there
watching TV.

"Oh, it's so good."

Maybe I'll even
put the bowl down.

I'll eat the whole bowl
like that.

And then I'll go
into the kitchen.

I'll put the bowl
in the sink,

and I'll put the spoon
in the sink.

I'll go sit on the couch
and watch a little more TV.

23 seconds go by.

And I'm like, "Oh, god damn it!"

Now, I take the pints
out of the freezer,

put them on the counter,
pop the lids off.

No bowl necessary.

[grunting]

Just eat some of that
complicated flavor.

[grunting]

And then, like,
eat some of the vanilla.

Throw the lids on.

Throw them back
into the freezer,

because now I'm pissed,

and then walk around
my kitchen going...

[exhausted mumbling]

"Ah, so good, okay."

And then I'll go sit
on my couch for five seconds,

and I'm like, "No, no!"

Then, now I'm just eating
over the freezer,

like someone's gonna catch me,
like...

[frantic grunting]

So I eat, like,
all of the complicated flavor.

There's only, like,
four tablespoons left.

There's about an eighth
of a pint of the vanilla cut.

And in my mind, I'm like,
"I didn't eat it all.

"I didn't eat it all.

There's still ice cream."

Have you ever been
to someone's house,

and you have to go into
their freezer for some reason,

and you see ice cream in there

that looks like it's been
in there for, like, months,

and there's part of you
that's like,

"What kind of fucking people...

"could just have ice cream
in their house?

"What kind of control-freak
monsters live here?

"Who--I thought
I knew these people.

"I got to get out of here

before they try to control me,
these freaks."

All right, so now I've consumed

well over a pint and a half
of ice cream.

And I feel gross.

I've just fed the shame engine.

That's what my body is.

This is a shame engine
that runs on specific foods.

And I've got
a phantom fat issue,

which I know is not
a sympathetic position.

I'm an idiot that always
thinks he's fat.

So, like, I feel it
in my heart,

even though I know
it's not there.

Body dysmorphia,
it's my mom's fault.

Try to have a little compassion.

So now I'm just like,
"What did I do?

I'm all full of ice cream,
and it's gross."

And like, in my mind, I'm like,
"Oh, no, what did I do?"

And then I'm like, "Oh, fuck,
I guess I'll just go to bed."

And then I get into bed,

and I don't know
where to put my phantom fat.

I'm just laying there like,
"What the fuck happened?

"Pint and a half of ice cream
is bullshit.

"I didn't even want it.

"Now I can't fucking sleep.

What am I gonna do now?"

Some voice goes, "You know
what you're gonna do now.

"You're gonna sadly masturbate.

That's what you're gonna do."

And that's, like, the worst
kind of masturbation,

when you don't even
want to do it,

and you're just doing it

because you don't feel good
and you're awake.

And you, like,
can't even commit to it.

You're just like, "Blough."

And when you come,
you actually go, "No!

Ugh."

And you're like,
"Oh, shit, okay, okay."

And you get a towel.

"Don't look at me, Monkey.

"Daddy's sad.

Get out, get out."

You get back into bed.

You lay down.

You're like,
"That was fucking horrible.

"Fucking sad.

How'd this night end like this?"

Then you, like, lay there
for, like, 40 seconds,

and then you're like,

"There's still
some ice cream left.

I'm gonna go hit that shit."

"Think Maron did
a pretty good show tonight.

"I'm proud of him.

More later."

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Aw, thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Like, I've sort of
evolved into a fairly

kind of like...

very personal,

it's my world,
my brain,

kind of comic,
you know.

And I used to be
a lot more

aggressive politically

and more provocative
in certain ways,

but I don't feel like
I want to do that anymore.

- Is it comfortable now?

- Yeah, it is
comfortable,

and I enjoy it
comfortable.

But, like, you know,
it's like,

I don't want
to divide people.

And I think, like,
the shit I do about God,

you know, Jesus
can handle it.

Jesus people
can handle it.

It's not that racy,
you know.

But Jesus Zombie,
I'm very happy with.