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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:00,511 --> 00:00:01,593
(exhales)
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00:00:01,595 --> 00:00:02,744
(exhales)
3
00:00:02,746 --> 00:00:05,030
Labor sucks, huh?
Yeah.
4
00:00:05,032 --> 00:00:06,531
That fun-sounding name?
5
00:00:06,533 --> 00:00:08,166
It's totally misleading.
6
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(chuckles)
7
00:00:09,219 --> 00:00:10,385
Better have this baby soon.
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You know my
mom's rule:
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00:00:12,189 --> 00:00:14,389
Nothing good happens
after 2:00 a.m.
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00:00:14,391 --> 00:00:15,474
I don't buy it.
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00:00:15,476 --> 00:00:18,010
Just like I don't buy
what her son told me:
12
00:00:18,012 --> 00:00:19,611
"Let's go away
for one last weekend
13
00:00:19,613 --> 00:00:20,946
"before the baby comes.
14
00:00:20,948 --> 00:00:22,564
We'll be fine!"
15
00:00:22,566 --> 00:00:24,483
Well, I hate
to point fingers,
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00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:26,618
but you should
never listen to me.
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00:00:26,620 --> 00:00:27,819
You know that.
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00:00:27,821 --> 00:00:29,204
That's my bad.
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Oh!
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00:00:32,275 --> 00:00:33,709
Here comes another one.
Already?
21
00:00:33,711 --> 00:00:34,876
Yeah. Yeah yep.
Okay, okay, okay.
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We should get you to
the hospital. Come on.
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THE MOTHER:
Okay.
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TED:
Oh, here we go.
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00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:42,584
Sho-sho-shoes,
baby-baby-baby...
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00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,672
You guys can't still see where
Marshall slapped me, can you?
27
00:00:47,674 --> 00:00:50,342
Your face looks like
a "don't walk" signal.
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00:00:50,344 --> 00:00:51,727
Your face looks like
a photo negative
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00:00:51,729 --> 00:00:53,011
of the Hamburger Helper box.
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00:00:53,013 --> 00:00:54,846
A palm reader could
tell Marshall's future
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00:00:54,848 --> 00:00:56,481
by studying your face.
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The phrase "talk to the hand
'cause the face ain't listening"
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00:00:58,802 --> 00:00:59,901
doesn't work for you
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00:00:59,903 --> 00:01:01,853
because the hand
is on your face.
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00:01:01,855 --> 00:01:04,573
A simple "yes"
would've sufficed.
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00:01:05,241 --> 00:01:06,658
LILY:
Oh, baby,
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00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:08,309
I missed you so much.
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I am so angry!
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I am gonna tear you
apart tonight.
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00:01:12,649 --> 00:01:13,865
I am gonna
tear you
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00:01:13,867 --> 00:01:15,367
apart tonight!
Okay, okay.
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00:01:15,369 --> 00:01:16,985
Look, we said
that we wouldn't fight
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00:01:16,987 --> 00:01:19,638
until the gang was all done
hanging out, remember?
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NARRATOR: Ever since Lilyheard that Marshall
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had accepted an offerto be a judge,
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thus jeopardizingtheir planned year in Italy,
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they both knewa big fight was coming.
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But when they finallysaw each other...
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Pause?
50
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Pause.
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00:01:33,437 --> 00:01:35,720
NARRATOR: See, Lily and Marshallhad a long tradition
52
00:01:35,722 --> 00:01:37,773
of hitting "pause"on their arguments.
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00:01:37,775 --> 00:01:39,674
Sometimes they paused because
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00:01:39,676 --> 00:01:41,810
they suddenly hadother things to do.
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00:01:41,812 --> 00:01:43,995
We have to stick
to our budget! Okay?
56
00:01:43,997 --> 00:01:45,981
You cannot be out there
buying all these
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00:01:45,983 --> 00:01:47,732
Brazilian bikini waxes
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00:01:47,734 --> 00:01:49,517
and Kama Sutra body oils
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and edible...
Pause.
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00:01:52,405 --> 00:01:54,539
NARRATOR: Sometimes, they pausedto keep their fights
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00:01:54,541 --> 00:01:56,158
from subtly changing subjects.
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Baby, I cannot
put up with
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00:01:57,694 --> 00:01:59,828
your shoes being
all over the house!
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00:01:59,830 --> 00:02:01,880
Why not? I put up with
your terrible mother.
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(gasps)
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Pause!
Pause.
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NARRATOR:
And now that they were paused,
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00:02:05,836 --> 00:02:07,719
Marshall realizedhe would do anything
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00:02:07,721 --> 00:02:10,005
to stay pausedfor as long as he could.
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00:02:10,007 --> 00:02:11,706
Okay, time
to go to bed.
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00:02:11,708 --> 00:02:12,841
Big day tomorrow.
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Big day tomorrow!
Big day tomorrow!
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MARSHALL:
Screw tomorrow!
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We go big tonight, huh?
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We go big tonight!
We go big tonight!
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00:02:18,899 --> 00:02:20,482
(laughing)
MARSHALL: I mean, uh...
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00:02:20,484 --> 00:02:21,733
come on, you know, uh,
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00:02:21,735 --> 00:02:23,985
what time
is it, anyway?
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x15 ♪
Unpause
Original Air Date on January 20, 2014
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Hey, where's
the baby?
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00:02:44,123 --> 00:02:45,874
The elevator!
The elevator!
83
00:02:45,876 --> 00:02:47,125
(laughs)
84
00:02:47,127 --> 00:02:48,576
Ah, that joke just
never gets old.
85
00:02:48,578 --> 00:02:50,912
And it's not at all inspired
by real-life events.
86
00:02:50,914 --> 00:02:52,697
No, it is not.
Mm-mm.
87
00:02:52,699 --> 00:02:54,916
Anyway, the sitter has
Marvin for the night.
88
00:02:54,918 --> 00:02:56,051
Ooh!
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00:02:56,053 --> 00:02:58,220
And now...
the best thing
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00:02:58,222 --> 00:02:59,905
to come out of my
cross-country trip:
91
00:02:59,907 --> 00:03:01,723
a little segment I like to call
92
00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:05,527
"Embarrassing Souvenirs I Picked
Up From Ted's Childhood Home."
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00:03:05,529 --> 00:03:06,761
(Robin giggles)
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00:03:06,763 --> 00:03:07,863
(Barney laughs)
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00:03:07,865 --> 00:03:11,183
"Totally
Awesome Ted."
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00:03:11,185 --> 00:03:13,201
What, did you steal this off
some other kid named Ted?
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I'm just getting
warmed up here.
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00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:16,037
(laughing):
This is fun.
99
00:03:16,039 --> 00:03:17,939
We're all...
you know, it's...
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00:03:17,941 --> 00:03:19,274
I'm having fun.
(Marshall chuckles)
101
00:03:19,276 --> 00:03:21,877
When you squeeze this toy,
a recording of Ted says,
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00:03:21,879 --> 00:03:24,129
"I wuv you, Mommy!"
103
00:03:24,131 --> 00:03:25,247
Oh, but
that's sweet!
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00:03:25,249 --> 00:03:27,132
Why would we make
fun of him for that?
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00:03:27,134 --> 00:03:28,950
He gave it to her
when he was 19.
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00:03:28,952 --> 00:03:30,402
TED (recorded):
I wuv you, Mommy.
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00:03:30,404 --> 00:03:32,704
(laughing)
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00:03:32,706 --> 00:03:35,957
And lastly, a photo
of young Ted
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00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:38,927
and his best friend
dressed up like cowboys.
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00:03:38,929 --> 00:03:39,928
No, oh, all right.
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Leave him alone.
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His best friend
was a balloon.
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ROBIN:
I want to see that picture
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more than I want
to get married!
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(laughing)
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I hate you so much.
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(deep voice):
Oo yah maya stupa koon!
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Ho ho ho!
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NARRATOR:
Over the years, we'd seen
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00:03:56,179 --> 00:03:58,496
all sorts of levelsof Barney's drunkenness.
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00:03:58,498 --> 00:03:59,814
How you doin'?
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00:03:59,816 --> 00:04:01,116
NARRATOR:
"Richard Dawson drunk..."
123
00:04:01,118 --> 00:04:02,918
Ah, is this
your sister?
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00:04:04,153 --> 00:04:05,837
NARRATOR: "Big plans with strangersdrunk..."
125
00:04:05,839 --> 00:04:06,838
Hey!
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00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,240
Me and the Road Dawgs
127
00:04:08,242 --> 00:04:11,159
going splitsies on a time share
in Flint, Michigan!
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00:04:11,161 --> 00:04:13,161
And...
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00:04:13,163 --> 00:04:15,330
non-refundably booked!
130
00:04:15,332 --> 00:04:17,933
Come on! I'm gonna buy
you all some mopeds!
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00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:19,050
Road Dawgs!
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00:04:19,052 --> 00:04:21,353
NARRATOR:
And "Marcel Marceau drunk..."
133
00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,440
But we knew the night was overwhenever Barney got...
134
00:04:25,442 --> 00:04:26,474
"Jabba drunk."
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00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:28,560
So drunk that his speech
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00:04:28,562 --> 00:04:30,362
bore an uncannyresemblance to that of...
137
00:04:30,364 --> 00:04:33,648
Jabba the Hutt from
Return of the Jedi.
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00:04:33,650 --> 00:04:34,816
Bo shuda!
139
00:04:34,818 --> 00:04:35,850
Ha ha ha!
140
00:04:35,852 --> 00:04:37,819
Okay, we have to go to bed.
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00:04:37,821 --> 00:04:38,770
Big day tomorrow.
142
00:04:38,772 --> 00:04:39,904
Big day tomorrow!
Noon-eeg Han Solo!
143
00:04:39,906 --> 00:04:41,022
MARSHALL:
Screw tomorrow!
144
00:04:41,024 --> 00:04:42,857
Let's go big tonight!
145
00:04:42,859 --> 00:04:44,876
We go big tonight!
Ah wotto potto tapa ho!
146
00:04:44,878 --> 00:04:47,195
No, Marshall, let's go now.
147
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:48,980
Okay, okay,
okay, okay.
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00:04:48,982 --> 00:04:50,548
Look, I-I guess we
have to do this.
149
00:04:50,550 --> 00:04:53,818
Okay, first off, I know how
important Italy was to you...
150
00:04:53,820 --> 00:04:55,887
Shut up and do me!
151
00:04:57,590 --> 00:05:00,008
Okay, we have
to go to bed.
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00:05:00,010 --> 00:05:01,176
Yeah.
153
00:05:02,478 --> 00:05:04,079
Yeah.
I need to get
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00:05:04,081 --> 00:05:06,147
my ear hair trimmed
in the morning.
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00:05:06,149 --> 00:05:08,149
It's like a rain forest
in there.
156
00:05:08,151 --> 00:05:10,885
Uh, why would you volunteer
that information?
157
00:05:10,887 --> 00:05:12,187
Because it's the truth.
158
00:05:12,189 --> 00:05:15,857
Also, I peed a little
on my tie at the urinal.
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00:05:15,859 --> 00:05:18,059
Uh, Barney...
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00:05:18,061 --> 00:05:19,727
who's taller: me or you?
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00:05:19,729 --> 00:05:21,997
You're taller.
I wear lifts in all my shoes.
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00:05:21,999 --> 00:05:23,365
Oh, my God, Robin...
163
00:05:23,367 --> 00:05:25,684
Barney has reached
a whole new level.
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He's "truth serum drunk."
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He can't lie.
166
00:05:29,389 --> 00:05:31,206
So we can finally
get the answers
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00:05:31,208 --> 00:05:32,874
we've always
been wondering about.
168
00:05:32,876 --> 00:05:34,259
Look, I know you said
you had to go to bed,
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00:05:34,261 --> 00:05:35,293
but I really think...
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00:05:35,295 --> 00:05:36,761
Screw tomorrow!
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We go big tonight.
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00:05:37,898 --> 00:05:39,547
Yeah.
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00:05:39,549 --> 00:05:41,866
Hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
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00:05:41,868 --> 00:05:43,918
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
175
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:44,886
We're not unpaused?
176
00:05:44,888 --> 00:05:45,970
Not yet.
177
00:05:45,972 --> 00:05:47,305
Mama needs some Papa.
178
00:05:47,307 --> 00:05:48,723
But as soon as we're
done having sex,
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00:05:48,725 --> 00:05:49,757
we are having that fight!
180
00:05:49,759 --> 00:05:51,526
Wait, so we're...
181
00:05:51,528 --> 00:05:53,761
not gonna fight
182
00:05:53,763 --> 00:05:56,731
until after we're
done having sex.
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00:05:56,733 --> 00:05:58,933
Challenge accepted.
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00:06:01,544 --> 00:06:02,994
Um, so... just,
just to be clear,
185
00:06:03,273 --> 00:06:04,873
after we finish
having sex,
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00:06:04,875 --> 00:06:06,458
that's when we'll
have our fight?
187
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:07,476
That's right.
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00:06:07,478 --> 00:06:09,645
Excuse me.
189
00:06:15,818 --> 00:06:17,919
Okay, Marshall.
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00:06:17,921 --> 00:06:19,254
It's go time.
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00:06:19,256 --> 00:06:21,256
You've had great nights
of sex before,
192
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most of them with Lily,
193
00:06:22,893 --> 00:06:24,593
a few by yourself--
194
00:06:24,595 --> 00:06:26,345
and we'll always have that
195
00:06:26,347 --> 00:06:28,647
Unscrambled Spice Channel
Glitch of '93--
196
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,350
but this has got to be
the performance of a lifetime.
197
00:06:31,352 --> 00:06:33,185
Jimi Hendrix at Monterey.
198
00:06:33,187 --> 00:06:35,404
James Brown at the Apollo.
199
00:06:35,406 --> 00:06:37,522
Your law school funk band
pretty much anywhere.
200
00:06:37,524 --> 00:06:39,358
So get out there
201
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:42,778
and bang your wife for
as long as you possibly can!
202
00:06:44,914 --> 00:06:48,149
Not a good sign that
I'm already out of breath.
203
00:06:50,670 --> 00:06:53,505
So... Barney will answer
204
00:06:53,507 --> 00:06:56,525
any question we ask him
with the truth?
205
00:06:56,527 --> 00:06:57,809
I think so.
206
00:06:57,811 --> 00:06:59,878
Honey...
207
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:03,465
when that Bryan Adams song
came on the radio,
208
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:05,600
did two mosquitoes
really fly into your eyes
209
00:07:05,602 --> 00:07:06,635
at the same time?
210
00:07:06,637 --> 00:07:08,186
No.
211
00:07:08,188 --> 00:07:10,305
I got all choked up
thinking about how
212
00:07:10,307 --> 00:07:13,425
everything he does,
he does it for her.
213
00:07:13,427 --> 00:07:14,893
Checks out.
214
00:07:14,895 --> 00:07:16,027
Okay, what next?
215
00:07:16,029 --> 00:07:17,345
I mean, it's...
216
00:07:17,347 --> 00:07:18,680
it's so hard to know
where to begin.
217
00:07:18,682 --> 00:07:19,681
I mean, there are so many...
218
00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:21,182
What did you do to my mom?!
219
00:07:22,201 --> 00:07:23,735
BARNEY:
Well, that night,
220
00:07:23,737 --> 00:07:25,570
we were in my car...
221
00:07:25,572 --> 00:07:26,972
I was wrong!
I can't handle this!
222
00:07:26,974 --> 00:07:28,974
Uh, just tell me
in baseball terms.
223
00:07:28,976 --> 00:07:31,192
I got thrown out
trying to stretch
224
00:07:31,194 --> 00:07:32,527
a single into a double.
225
00:07:32,529 --> 00:07:33,695
(gasps)
226
00:07:36,082 --> 00:07:37,466
I can live with that.
227
00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:40,702
How about that time
you walked into the bar
228
00:07:40,704 --> 00:07:42,621
wearing "Triple-X-Ray Goggles"?
229
00:07:44,340 --> 00:07:47,041
Well, hello,
you two lovely ladies.
230
00:07:47,043 --> 00:07:48,226
What are you wearing?
231
00:07:48,228 --> 00:07:49,428
Oh, hey, Robin,
didn't see you there.
232
00:07:49,430 --> 00:07:52,547
Just Triple-X-Ray Goggles, no big deal.
Oh...
233
00:07:52,549 --> 00:07:54,766
There is no way
those things work.
234
00:07:54,768 --> 00:07:56,485
I'm not even here.
235
00:07:56,487 --> 00:07:58,353
Just act natural.
236
00:08:01,674 --> 00:08:02,941
Right.
237
00:08:02,943 --> 00:08:05,410
'Cause that jacket's
made of lead.
238
00:08:05,412 --> 00:08:07,746
Those things
didn't work, did they?
239
00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:10,282
Absolutely. Lily's boobs
always work for me.
240
00:08:10,284 --> 00:08:11,867
Oh, the goggles?
No.
241
00:08:11,869 --> 00:08:14,286
Next question.
242
00:08:14,288 --> 00:08:17,506
You keep saying "ring bear"
243
00:08:17,508 --> 00:08:20,074
instead of ring bear-er.
244
00:08:21,076 --> 00:08:23,378
Will there or will there not
245
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,430
be a bear at our wedding?
246
00:08:25,432 --> 00:08:27,966
The truth is...
247
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,751
aggle flaggle klabble.
248
00:08:29,753 --> 00:08:31,570
Wumby flappy snurp...
249
00:08:31,572 --> 00:08:33,171
Oh, my God, he's dipped back
down to Jabba drunk!
250
00:08:33,173 --> 00:08:34,255
Give him
another drink!
251
00:08:34,257 --> 00:08:36,107
Come on.
252
00:08:36,109 --> 00:08:38,259
Oh, yeah, baby.
253
00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:40,111
I could go all night.
254
00:08:40,113 --> 00:08:42,481
I can't hold out much longer!
255
00:08:42,483 --> 00:08:44,833
What are the least arousingthings I can think of?
256
00:08:44,835 --> 00:08:48,269
♪ Day-old roadkill
257
00:08:48,271 --> 00:08:50,705
♪ Ah, yeah...
258
00:08:50,707 --> 00:08:52,207
♪ Fingernail
259
00:08:52,209 --> 00:08:56,795
♪ Fingernail clippings
260
00:08:56,797 --> 00:08:59,381
♪ That is some dull stuff
261
00:08:59,383 --> 00:09:03,835
♪ How your TMJ night guard
smells in the morning ♪
262
00:09:03,837 --> 00:09:06,137
♪ Nasty
263
00:09:06,139 --> 00:09:08,173
♪ Bugs...
264
00:09:08,175 --> 00:09:10,659
Mmm ♪
265
00:09:10,661 --> 00:09:13,144
♪ More bugs
266
00:09:13,146 --> 00:09:14,779
MARSHALL: It's working!It's working!
267
00:09:14,781 --> 00:09:17,516
Uh-oh, it's working too well.
268
00:09:17,518 --> 00:09:20,836
Think sexy thoughts.Think sexy thoughts!
269
00:09:20,838 --> 00:09:24,339
♪ Bugs with boobs...
270
00:09:24,341 --> 00:09:25,807
LILY: Marshall, are
you all right?
271
00:09:25,809 --> 00:09:26,908
You don't seem
to be, um...
272
00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:30,161
Please, uh,
excuse Medium-Sized Fudge.
273
00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:33,982
6 and 3/64 inches.
274
00:09:33,984 --> 00:09:35,283
Yeah, he's back
to telling the truth.
275
00:09:35,285 --> 00:09:36,551
Okay, Barney,
276
00:09:36,553 --> 00:09:38,319
how are you always able
to do that magic trick
277
00:09:38,321 --> 00:09:39,955
where you make doves appear?
278
00:09:39,957 --> 00:09:43,174
Special dehydrated birds
I get in Chinatown.
279
00:09:46,012 --> 00:09:47,546
I knew it!
280
00:09:47,548 --> 00:09:49,831
(sighs)
Okay. Okay.
281
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:52,183
Will there or will there not
282
00:09:52,185 --> 00:09:54,636
be a bear at our wedding?
283
00:09:54,638 --> 00:09:56,171
The truth is...
284
00:09:56,173 --> 00:09:58,473
Barney...
Oh, come on!
285
00:09:58,475 --> 00:09:59,941
I know that you always say
286
00:09:59,943 --> 00:10:01,309
that you don't
need any kind of
287
00:10:01,311 --> 00:10:03,695
"help" in bed,
but if you, um...
288
00:10:03,697 --> 00:10:05,363
I always keep
these on hand.
289
00:10:05,365 --> 00:10:06,815
But be
careful.
290
00:10:06,817 --> 00:10:09,234
When you go off, there's
a kickback like a cannon.
291
00:10:09,236 --> 00:10:11,119
Thank you.
292
00:10:12,855 --> 00:10:15,189
How much a year
do you spend on suits?
293
00:10:15,191 --> 00:10:17,909
NARRATOR: Kids, I won't bother youwith the number...
294
00:10:17,911 --> 00:10:19,961
but it was a crapload.
295
00:10:19,963 --> 00:10:21,813
Around one crapload.
296
00:10:21,815 --> 00:10:23,164
That much?
297
00:10:23,166 --> 00:10:24,716
Well... aren't you concerned
about your future?
298
00:10:24,718 --> 00:10:25,867
Nope.
299
00:10:25,869 --> 00:10:27,836
Especially since Robin
is massively wealthy.
300
00:10:27,838 --> 00:10:29,271
Barney!
What?
301
00:10:29,273 --> 00:10:30,422
You're rich?
302
00:10:30,424 --> 00:10:31,573
L-Like how rich?
303
00:10:31,575 --> 00:10:32,841
It's my family's money,
not mine.
304
00:10:32,843 --> 00:10:33,892
I-I don't really know how much.
305
00:10:33,894 --> 00:10:35,260
How much is her family worth?
306
00:10:35,262 --> 00:10:36,845
6,000 craploads.
307
00:10:36,847 --> 00:10:38,212
Canadian craploads.
308
00:10:38,214 --> 00:10:39,547
That much?!
309
00:10:39,549 --> 00:10:40,548
But when
we dated,
310
00:10:40,550 --> 00:10:41,883
I paid for everything.
311
00:10:41,885 --> 00:10:43,501
You didn't pay for everything.
312
00:10:43,503 --> 00:10:44,486
He paid for everything.
313
00:10:44,488 --> 00:10:46,371
I pick up our bar tab
all the time.
314
00:10:46,373 --> 00:10:48,023
Three times
in the last nine years.
315
00:10:48,025 --> 00:10:50,191
I took you out to tons
of four-star restaurants.
316
00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:51,276
Two-star restaurants.
317
00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:53,061
Figuring, on average,
two meals out a week
318
00:10:53,063 --> 00:10:54,562
plus 20% tip...
319
00:10:54,564 --> 00:10:55,780
12 and a half percent tip.
320
00:10:55,782 --> 00:10:58,083
Do you know
how much money you cost me?
321
00:10:58,085 --> 00:10:59,434
What am I?
A prostitute?
322
00:10:59,436 --> 00:11:00,919
You are not a prostitute.
323
00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:03,004
No, a prostitute
would've been cheaper.
324
00:11:03,006 --> 00:11:04,990
Depends on the prostitute.
325
00:11:04,992 --> 00:11:07,158
Wait, hold on, Ted
What are we doing?
326
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,576
You're arguing
about Robin's wealth
327
00:11:08,578 --> 00:11:11,046
when you really should be asking
me embarrassing questions.
328
00:11:11,048 --> 00:11:12,597
He's right.
329
00:11:12,599 --> 00:11:13,515
Let's do this.
330
00:11:13,517 --> 00:11:14,966
NARRATOR:
And so we did it.
331
00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:16,668
We asked Barneyall the questions
332
00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:17,652
we'd always wanted to.
333
00:11:17,654 --> 00:11:20,355
In one night? Four.
334
00:11:20,357 --> 00:11:22,991
In one family? Three.
335
00:11:22,993 --> 00:11:26,361
Yes, but not while she
was secretary of state.
336
00:11:26,363 --> 00:11:29,981
Yes, but not while she was
secretary of state.
337
00:11:29,983 --> 00:11:31,399
Just once.
338
00:11:31,401 --> 00:11:34,435
With a French male model Henri.
339
00:11:34,437 --> 00:11:35,704
It was late.
340
00:11:35,706 --> 00:11:37,622
We were the last two people
in the club.
341
00:11:37,624 --> 00:11:40,075
I was lonely and I figured,
why not try it?
342
00:11:41,377 --> 00:11:44,145
That was the only time
I ever split a cab.
343
00:11:44,147 --> 00:11:46,998
Yes, but not the M.I.T.
you're thinking of.
344
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,884
The Magician's Institute
of Teaneck.
345
00:11:49,886 --> 00:11:53,588
I've had sex
in Ted's bed 14 times.
346
00:11:53,590 --> 00:11:57,125
I asked if you wear
shoulder pads.
347
00:11:57,127 --> 00:11:59,644
I think I've just got
one question left.
348
00:11:59,646 --> 00:12:01,212
And it's a biggie.
349
00:12:02,064 --> 00:12:04,315
Barney Stinson...
350
00:12:04,317 --> 00:12:06,568
...what do you do for a living?
351
00:12:09,388 --> 00:12:10,505
You did it.
352
00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:13,307
You banged your wife to sleep.
353
00:12:13,309 --> 00:12:15,493
Nice job...
354
00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:19,831
Still-Big Fudge.
355
00:12:22,484 --> 00:12:24,619
TED:
I wuv you, Mommy.
356
00:12:24,621 --> 00:12:25,787
Unpause.
357
00:12:29,613 --> 00:12:31,606
NARRATOR: Kids, in all the timewe knew Barney,
358
00:12:31,607 --> 00:12:34,658
there was one question he wouldalways answer the same way.
359
00:12:34,660 --> 00:12:36,393
Seriously, what is it
that you do?
360
00:12:36,395 --> 00:12:37,778
(chuckles) Please.
361
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:38,745
Okay, seriously.
362
00:12:38,747 --> 00:12:40,414
What do you do for a living?
363
00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:42,049
(chuckles) Please.
364
00:12:42,051 --> 00:12:44,284
Are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?
365
00:12:44,286 --> 00:12:45,953
(chuckles) Please.
366
00:12:45,955 --> 00:12:48,772
So, naturally, this wasa pretty big moment for us.
367
00:12:48,774 --> 00:12:52,742
Well, what do you do
for a living?
368
00:12:56,247 --> 00:12:58,081
Please.
369
00:12:58,083 --> 00:12:59,349
(groans)
God, he's not telling us.
370
00:12:59,351 --> 00:13:00,350
More booze.
371
00:13:00,352 --> 00:13:02,803
Not so fast, princess.
372
00:13:02,805 --> 00:13:04,638
I guess subtle clues
and the bar tab
373
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,607
are two things
you just don't pick up.
374
00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:07,757
Because...
375
00:13:07,759 --> 00:13:10,227
I think he is telling us.
376
00:13:10,229 --> 00:13:12,529
Tell us more about this job.
377
00:13:13,448 --> 00:13:14,681
BARNEY:
Well, as you know,
378
00:13:14,683 --> 00:13:16,283
back in my hippie days,
379
00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,235
a business man cameinto my coffee shop,
380
00:13:18,237 --> 00:13:20,070
told me money wasall that mattered,
381
00:13:20,072 --> 00:13:21,488
and stole my girlfriend.
382
00:13:21,490 --> 00:13:25,108
That's when I decidedto become awesome.
383
00:13:25,110 --> 00:13:28,645
But I had no idea how to breakinto the corporate world.
384
00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:30,047
So, hoping he wouldn'trecognize me,
385
00:13:30,049 --> 00:13:31,781
I went to the one personfrom whom
386
00:13:31,783 --> 00:13:34,384
I knew I could learneverything.
387
00:13:34,386 --> 00:13:35,802
Do we know each other, bro?
388
00:13:35,804 --> 00:13:39,473
We're all connected
in Gaia's great tapestry of...
389
00:13:39,475 --> 00:13:41,558
(clears throat)
No.
390
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:42,893
We don't.
391
00:13:42,895 --> 00:13:44,728
Bro.
392
00:13:46,014 --> 00:13:47,347
Wow, you went to M.I.T.
393
00:13:47,349 --> 00:13:48,515
Pretty impressive.
394
00:13:48,517 --> 00:13:51,401
I did get a perfect score
on the A.C.T.'s.
395
00:13:51,403 --> 00:13:54,404
Advanced Card Tricks.
396
00:13:54,406 --> 00:13:55,606
Well, look, buddy.
397
00:13:55,608 --> 00:13:57,107
You got a sweet résumé.
398
00:13:57,109 --> 00:13:59,192
But we don't have any openings
you're qualified for.
399
00:13:59,194 --> 00:14:01,862
They set me up!
It was a trap! It's a trap!
400
00:14:03,814 --> 00:14:06,466
We have one opening
you'd be perfect for.
401
00:14:06,468 --> 00:14:08,535
Great. What do I do?
402
00:14:08,537 --> 00:14:10,621
Please.
403
00:14:10,623 --> 00:14:13,040
"Provide Legal Exculpation
And Sign Everything."
404
00:14:13,042 --> 00:14:14,257
Just show up every day,
405
00:14:14,259 --> 00:14:15,976
scribble your name on
a bunch of documents,
406
00:14:15,978 --> 00:14:18,011
and we'll pay you
16 craploads a year.
407
00:14:19,163 --> 00:14:20,297
Deets are in the contract.
408
00:14:20,299 --> 00:14:21,739
I'll give you time
to think about it.
409
00:14:23,301 --> 00:14:24,718
I'll take it.
410
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:25,769
Hold on.
411
00:14:25,771 --> 00:14:27,421
Did you even read this
before signing it?
412
00:14:27,423 --> 00:14:28,388
No.
413
00:14:28,390 --> 00:14:29,723
(laughs)
You're hired.
414
00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:33,276
We'll work on that.
415
00:14:33,278 --> 00:14:34,645
TED:
Wait.
416
00:14:34,647 --> 00:14:35,646
That's your job?
417
00:14:35,648 --> 00:14:37,864
You sign sketchy,
legally binding documents
418
00:14:37,866 --> 00:14:40,017
that could implicate you
for God knows what?
419
00:14:40,019 --> 00:14:42,169
Best job ever, right?
420
00:14:43,388 --> 00:14:45,455
No more pausing.
421
00:14:45,457 --> 00:14:47,157
We're getting
through this argument.
422
00:14:47,159 --> 00:14:49,042
Okay.
423
00:14:49,044 --> 00:14:51,011
No potshots at my mom.
424
00:14:51,013 --> 00:14:52,796
Fine, no distracting me
with your calves.
425
00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:54,998
Fine.
426
00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:01,054
Look, I love you, Lilypad.
427
00:15:01,056 --> 00:15:02,723
I love you, Marshmallow.
428
00:15:02,725 --> 00:15:04,641
(deep breath)
Now...
429
00:15:04,643 --> 00:15:06,309
(exhales)
430
00:15:06,311 --> 00:15:09,613
...how could you take
that job without telling me?!
431
00:15:09,615 --> 00:15:12,564
Baby, I'm sorry, but they needed
an answer right away.
432
00:15:12,565 --> 00:15:13,681
This is a huge opportunity,
433
00:15:13,683 --> 00:15:15,400
it could be very good
for our family,
434
00:15:15,402 --> 00:15:17,352
and we have to
at least talk about it.
435
00:15:17,354 --> 00:15:20,104
Sorry, you lost your chance
to talk about it
436
00:15:20,106 --> 00:15:22,156
when you didn't talk about it.
437
00:15:22,891 --> 00:15:24,475
We're going to Italy.
438
00:15:24,477 --> 00:15:25,943
But I could be a judge.
439
00:15:25,945 --> 00:15:29,080
We can't give that up for
what is clearly just a hobby.
440
00:15:29,082 --> 00:15:30,248
Pause.
441
00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:31,499
No pause.
442
00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:33,484
That "hobby" is my dream.
443
00:15:33,486 --> 00:15:35,169
We're going to Italy.
444
00:15:35,171 --> 00:15:36,254
But it's my dream to...
445
00:15:36,256 --> 00:15:37,505
We are going to Italy!
446
00:15:37,507 --> 00:15:38,873
Baby, can you just...?
447
00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:40,508
We are going to Italy!
448
00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:41,709
Don't you get it?
449
00:15:41,711 --> 00:15:43,878
You went behind my back.
450
00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,596
You hurt me.
451
00:15:45,598 --> 00:15:49,567
You were more selfish
than I have ever been to you.
452
00:15:49,569 --> 00:15:54,472
You broke up with me
and moved to San Francisco.
453
00:15:55,607 --> 00:15:57,392
Barney!
You're being stupid.
454
00:15:57,394 --> 00:15:59,894
The-the-the company is
setting you up as their fall guy
455
00:15:59,896 --> 00:16:02,480
for all of their
illegal activities.
456
00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:05,316
No, you guys are being stupid.
457
00:16:05,318 --> 00:16:06,868
Especially Ted.
458
00:16:06,870 --> 00:16:08,453
What? I didn't say anything.
459
00:16:08,455 --> 00:16:12,240
NARRATOR: And then, kids, Barney revealedto us his master plan.
460
00:16:12,242 --> 00:16:14,776
It all went down a few monthsafter the wedding.
461
00:16:14,778 --> 00:16:16,694
Hey, Greg?
462
00:16:16,696 --> 00:16:18,046
I know you're busy,
463
00:16:18,048 --> 00:16:20,114
but FYI, I've been colluding
with the Feds.
464
00:16:20,116 --> 00:16:21,382
They know everything.
465
00:16:21,384 --> 00:16:22,917
And they're
on their way up right now
466
00:16:22,919 --> 00:16:24,552
to shut down this division
and arrest you.
467
00:16:24,554 --> 00:16:25,887
Door closed or...?
468
00:16:25,889 --> 00:16:27,221
What?
469
00:16:27,223 --> 00:16:28,589
Why would you do that?
470
00:16:28,591 --> 00:16:31,225
Oh, gosh,
countless moral reasons...
471
00:16:31,227 --> 00:16:32,643
could have applied,
472
00:16:32,645 --> 00:16:36,431
but this is pretty much revenge
for stealing my girlfriend.
473
00:16:36,433 --> 00:16:38,048
See? That day, I vowed
474
00:16:38,050 --> 00:16:40,551
I would do everythingin my power to track you down,
475
00:16:40,553 --> 00:16:42,270
gain your trust,
476
00:16:42,272 --> 00:16:45,022
and then destroy you.
477
00:16:45,024 --> 00:16:46,324
Who are you?
478
00:16:46,326 --> 00:16:47,358
Who am I?
479
00:16:47,360 --> 00:16:49,026
Just a guy who served you
480
00:16:49,028 --> 00:16:50,561
coffee once.
481
00:16:50,563 --> 00:16:51,846
Peace out, loser.
482
00:16:51,848 --> 00:16:53,698
♪ Barney Stinson,
Barney Stinson ♪
483
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:55,333
You son of a bitch!
♪ That guy's awesome ♪
484
00:16:55,335 --> 00:16:58,068
I will destroy you!
Get your hands off of me.
485
00:16:58,070 --> 00:17:01,189
♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
486
00:17:01,191 --> 00:17:03,541
♪ Awesome.
487
00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:05,009
Why are you
488
00:17:05,011 --> 00:17:06,594
bringing up San Francisco?
489
00:17:06,596 --> 00:17:08,629
That was seven years ago.
490
00:17:08,631 --> 00:17:10,581
Because you are being
491
00:17:10,583 --> 00:17:12,967
selfish all over again.
492
00:17:12,969 --> 00:17:14,852
Marshall, I apologized
493
00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:17,421
over and over again.
494
00:17:17,423 --> 00:17:20,141
Now you're saying you
never have forgiven me?
495
00:17:20,143 --> 00:17:21,275
There is
496
00:17:21,277 --> 00:17:24,195
nothing more important to me
than our family.
497
00:17:24,197 --> 00:17:25,446
You know that.
498
00:17:25,448 --> 00:17:26,697
Well, let me ask.
499
00:17:26,699 --> 00:17:29,233
What if you had found
success in San Francisco?
500
00:17:29,968 --> 00:17:31,452
How do I know that you even
501
00:17:31,454 --> 00:17:32,670
would've come back to me?
502
00:17:32,672 --> 00:17:34,438
Stop it.
503
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,907
Are Marvin and I
504
00:17:35,909 --> 00:17:38,543
and any other future children
we may have
505
00:17:38,545 --> 00:17:41,129
just some consolation prize?
506
00:17:41,131 --> 00:17:43,297
I have to get out of here.
507
00:17:45,617 --> 00:17:46,584
Babe?
508
00:17:46,586 --> 00:17:48,886
(door slams)
509
00:17:48,888 --> 00:17:50,087
So, Barney,
510
00:17:50,089 --> 00:17:51,589
I still haven't
heard you pronounce
511
00:17:51,591 --> 00:17:53,007
that last syllable.
512
00:17:53,809 --> 00:17:57,228
At our wedding, will there be
513
00:17:57,230 --> 00:17:59,680
a ring bear-er?
514
00:17:59,682 --> 00:18:01,182
(deep breath)
515
00:18:01,184 --> 00:18:02,934
The truth is...
516
00:18:03,836 --> 00:18:06,838
...yes, there will be
a ring bear-er.
517
00:18:06,840 --> 00:18:08,823
His name is Trevor Hudson,
518
00:18:08,825 --> 00:18:10,958
I worked with his mother,
and he's adorable.
519
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,778
I want our wedding
to be perfect, Robin.
520
00:18:13,780 --> 00:18:15,613
Me, too.
521
00:18:16,582 --> 00:18:17,648
Okay, I'm gonna go upstairs.
522
00:18:17,650 --> 00:18:18,783
He's okay to crash
with you, right?
523
00:18:18,785 --> 00:18:20,868
Yup, we'll see you
in the morning.
524
00:18:20,870 --> 00:18:22,537
Hmm.
525
00:18:22,539 --> 00:18:23,704
I love you.
526
00:18:23,706 --> 00:18:25,506
I love you, too.
527
00:18:29,428 --> 00:18:32,296
Okay, I got one last question
for you.
528
00:18:32,298 --> 00:18:34,398
And I can't believe
I haven't asked it yet.
529
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,034
Dude, you're getting
married tomorrow.
530
00:18:38,203 --> 00:18:40,171
How are you doing?
Good.
531
00:18:40,173 --> 00:18:42,773
I mean, I'm a little nervous,
532
00:18:42,775 --> 00:18:46,510
but I love Robin more
than I've ever loved anyone,
533
00:18:46,512 --> 00:18:49,130
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to make her happy.
534
00:18:49,132 --> 00:18:50,648
For a long time,
535
00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:52,850
deep down,
536
00:18:52,852 --> 00:18:55,019
I've felt sort of...
537
00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:57,788
broken?
538
00:18:57,790 --> 00:19:00,241
I don't feel that way anymore.
539
00:19:00,243 --> 00:19:02,526
Robin, along with the idea
540
00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:05,296
that vengeance
will soon be mine,
541
00:19:05,298 --> 00:19:09,133
has made me 100% awesome.
542
00:19:09,135 --> 00:19:10,401
I'm proud of you, buddy.
543
00:19:10,403 --> 00:19:13,387
Globan froban.
544
00:19:13,389 --> 00:19:14,472
Ho, ho, ho.
545
00:19:14,474 --> 00:19:15,473
Okay.
546
00:19:15,475 --> 00:19:16,724
Come on, Jabba.
547
00:19:16,726 --> 00:19:17,675
Big day tomorrow.
548
00:19:17,677 --> 00:19:19,844
(grunts)
Tab for the night?
549
00:19:19,846 --> 00:19:21,378
Just so you know,
550
00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:24,899
those last few rounds of 35-year
Glen McKenna were not cheap.
551
00:19:24,901 --> 00:19:25,983
Whoa.
552
00:19:25,985 --> 00:19:27,051
Um...
553
00:19:27,053 --> 00:19:28,402
you know what?
554
00:19:28,404 --> 00:19:29,687
Charge them to the bride's room.
555
00:19:29,689 --> 00:19:30,855
Thank you.
556
00:19:30,857 --> 00:19:31,889
Come on.
(muttering)
557
00:19:31,891 --> 00:19:33,824
Let's go. We got you.
558
00:19:33,826 --> 00:19:36,577
NARRATOR: Kids, it's yourgrandmother's favorite rule.
559
00:19:36,579 --> 00:19:38,930
Nothing good happensafter 2:00 a.m.
560
00:19:38,932 --> 00:19:42,066
Hi. I-I know it's late,
but I've got to get out of here.
561
00:19:42,068 --> 00:19:45,086
Marshall and I
just had a huge fight.
562
00:19:45,088 --> 00:19:47,371
You will?
563
00:19:47,373 --> 00:19:50,124
Oh, my God, thank you.
564
00:20:02,354 --> 00:20:03,971
Okay, here we go.
565
00:20:03,973 --> 00:20:06,140
You good, yeah?
Yeah.
566
00:20:06,142 --> 00:20:08,559
Okay.
567
00:20:08,561 --> 00:20:09,593
Okay.
568
00:20:09,595 --> 00:20:10,695
Everything is fine.
569
00:20:10,697 --> 00:20:11,779
Okay? Just don't freak out.
570
00:20:11,781 --> 00:20:12,763
I'm not freaking out.
571
00:20:12,765 --> 00:20:13,781
I was talking to myself.
572
00:20:13,783 --> 00:20:15,316
Do you have the baby?
573
00:20:15,318 --> 00:20:16,667
The elevator!
What?!
574
00:20:16,669 --> 00:20:18,402
Marshall and Lily are right.
It never gets old.
575
00:20:18,404 --> 00:20:19,870
Unless you're crowning.
576
00:20:19,872 --> 00:20:21,706
So proud of you.
Thank you.
577
00:20:21,708 --> 00:20:23,374
Penny is proud of you.
578
00:20:23,376 --> 00:20:24,992
Let's go get you a brother.
579
00:20:24,994 --> 00:20:26,594
Okay?
Hmm?
580
00:20:26,596 --> 00:20:27,662
You want a brother?
All right?
581
00:20:27,664 --> 00:20:29,947
I love you.
I love you, too.
582
00:20:29,949 --> 00:20:31,115
You're gonna be great.
583
00:20:31,117 --> 00:20:32,266
Yeah, okay.
584
00:20:32,268 --> 00:20:34,885
NARRATOR:
2:00 a.m., it's a good rule,
585
00:20:34,887 --> 00:20:37,287
but every rulehas an exception.
586
00:20:37,289 --> 00:20:40,057
And for us,that exception was you, Luke.
587
00:20:40,059 --> 00:20:41,926
We're having a baby!
588
00:20:41,928 --> 00:20:44,128
(yells)
589
00:20:48,901 --> 00:20:50,685
Come on, Trevor Hudson.
590
00:20:50,687 --> 00:20:52,070
It's feeding time.
591
00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:57,072
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
40790
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