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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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("O Fortuna" playing)
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x14 ♪
Slapsgiving No. 3: Slappointment in Slapmarra
Original Air Date on January 13, 2014
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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("O Fortuna" playing)
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NARRATOR:
Oh, sorry, kids.
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I forgot to mentionthere's a bit of a backstory
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to this particular slap.
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Oh, man.
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Oh.
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At least it landed
on the mustard stain.
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00:00:50,789 --> 00:00:53,390
Don't bother.
That suit is a stain.
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A stain on the very institution
of suits.
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00:00:56,361 --> 00:00:57,894
You know what tie goes
with that suit?
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The tie at the top
of a Hefty bag.
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A suit like that
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only needs one button...
self-destruct.
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Hey, I bought him
that suit.
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Where? Barfs Brothers?
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Men's Outhouse?
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Giorgio Arms...
Are-Not-the-Same-Lengthy?
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That suit is a slap in the face
to all suits everywhere.
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A slap in the face.
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Uh, yes, Barney.
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There's something I need to
tell you about the next slap
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that you're going to receive.
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You see,
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I want this slap to be
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as painful as
humanly possible.
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BOTH: Sure. Sure.
Okay, okay.
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00:01:31,814 --> 00:01:33,647
Yeah, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
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00:01:33,649 --> 00:01:37,167
Yes, you won a slap bet
with me seven years ago.
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00:01:37,169 --> 00:01:38,552
And, yes, over the years,
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you got in some great slaps.
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Some great slaps.
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But here's the problem.
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You've tormented me so much
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that I am now immune to it.
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Hmm.
It's as if
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my face, my psyche, my soul
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were covered
in that numbing cream
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00:01:54,503 --> 00:01:56,837
we all put on our deals
so that we can go all night.
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00:01:56,839 --> 00:01:58,054
Am I right, fellas?
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00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:02,742
Okay, we'll all just pretend
like we've never done that.
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Just like we've never sat on our
left hand until it fell asleep
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00:02:06,048 --> 00:02:08,148
and then used it
for an away gamer.
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Okay.
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We'll all pretend
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like we've never done that.
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Just like we've all never taken
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two live jumper cables...
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Please stop.
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00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:17,958
Barney, I'm well-aware
that you've developed
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a resistance to all
of my old tricks,
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which is why I sought
out special training.
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Hi, hey, I'm sure you get
this question all the time.
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00:02:26,535 --> 00:02:29,619
But is there a special class
where I just learn slapping?
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We teach kung fu here.
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Right, see,
the thing is, I don't need
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to learn anything about kicking.
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You know?
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'Cause, uh...
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So, yeah.
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I'm good there.
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00:02:41,683 --> 00:02:43,517
Um, what I really need
to learn is slapping.
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I need someone to teach me
how to slap my friend
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just like really hard
right in his stupid face.
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Can you teach me that?
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00:02:50,309 --> 00:02:53,276
Kung fu is an ancient
and honorable martial art.
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It must be learned
with great devotion
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and respect.
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00:02:58,449 --> 00:03:00,534
So, where are we on this
whole slapping thing?
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Yes, no, maybe...?
Get out.
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Psst.
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I know what you seek.
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00:03:07,342 --> 00:03:08,608
You seek to learn
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the Slap of a Thousand
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Exploding Suns.
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00:03:12,431 --> 00:03:14,664
Yes, that's totally
a thing I've heard of.
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00:03:14,666 --> 00:03:16,049
Can you teach me?
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No, but I know who can.
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Can you take me
to this great master?
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I have much gold.
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00:03:21,306 --> 00:03:24,975
It is not one great master
you seek but three.
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They will teach you
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the three mighty virtues
of slapistry.
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Speed.
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Strength.
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And accuracy.
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00:03:36,772 --> 00:03:39,022
Put these
three virtues together,
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and only then
will you have mastered
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the Slap of a Million
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Exploding Suns.
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I'm sorry to interrupt,
but a second ago,
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wasn't it the Slap
of a Thousand Exploding Suns?
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Pretty sure I said a million, guys?
I heard a million.
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He said a million.
One million.
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MARSHALL:
So I went to Shanghai...
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00:03:57,676 --> 00:03:58,775
You didn't go to Shanghai.
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I went to Shanghai.
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00:03:59,578 --> 00:04:00,427
When did you go to Shanghai?
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00:04:00,429 --> 00:04:01,561
Last year I went
to Shanghai.
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00:04:01,563 --> 00:04:02,362
You didn't go to Shanghai.
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00:04:02,364 --> 00:04:03,630
He went to Shanghai.
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00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:05,248
He didn't go to Shanghai.
Totally went to Shanghai.
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00:04:05,250 --> 00:04:05,916
You didn't go to Shanghai.
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00:04:05,918 --> 00:04:06,816
So I went to Shanghai.
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00:04:08,786 --> 00:04:11,571
In search of the first master.
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Are you Red Bird?
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BARNEY:
Okay, enough.
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00:04:24,319 --> 00:04:25,852
I know you're trying
to freak me out.
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00:04:25,854 --> 00:04:27,454
But like I said,
it's not working.
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00:04:27,456 --> 00:04:29,556
So I will give you much gold
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00:04:29,558 --> 00:04:31,424
to stop wasting my time.
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Hold that thought, I just want
to see if can fix this.
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00:04:33,478 --> 00:04:35,045
(song skipping)
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(groans)
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(all gasp)
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00:04:43,055 --> 00:04:44,387
ALL:
The Slap of...
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Ten Million Exploding Suns!
500 Exploding Suns!
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Three Billion Exploding Stars!
121
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Whoops.
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(chuckles)
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(sighs)
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00:04:57,053 --> 00:04:59,253
(gasps)
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00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,839
Relax, I'm not gonna
slap you right now.
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(grunts)
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00:05:03,242 --> 00:05:06,710
When I slap you, it shall be
beneath a willow tree
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00:05:06,712 --> 00:05:10,598
next to four women and a tiger.
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00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,933
A willow tree,
four women and a tiger?
130
00:05:12,935 --> 00:05:14,351
What are you talking about?
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00:05:14,353 --> 00:05:17,438
Who said anything about a willow
tree, four women and a tiger?
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Guys?
Nobody.
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00:05:18,741 --> 00:05:20,040
A tiger?
You were totally silent just now.
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But Marshall just said that!
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00:05:22,478 --> 00:05:23,544
What is going on?
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00:05:23,546 --> 00:05:26,280
How did you do that
to the jukebox?
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00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:28,749
Wait, it's fake.
138
00:05:28,751 --> 00:05:30,818
That's a prop jukebox,
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designed just to mess with me.
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00:05:32,989 --> 00:05:35,389
Marshall, that jukebox
cost eight grand.
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00:05:36,174 --> 00:05:38,626
I have much gold.
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Huh, that is much.
143
00:05:43,215 --> 00:05:44,682
You got lucky, Eriksen.
144
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,451
I don't like this!
145
00:05:47,453 --> 00:05:49,270
I thought that nothing
I said or did
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could intimidate you anymore.
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00:05:50,723 --> 00:05:52,690
(stammers)
That's right.
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00:05:52,692 --> 00:05:54,492
It can't.
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00:05:54,494 --> 00:05:56,677
(sniffs)
(yells)
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00:05:56,679 --> 00:05:57,628
Itch.
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00:05:57,630 --> 00:05:58,729
Look.
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If you're really nervous,
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don't think of it as a slap.
154
00:06:01,818 --> 00:06:04,218
Think of it as a high five.
Okay.
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For your stupid face.
(Barney crying)
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So, anyway, I'm in
the noodle house...
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00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:08,522
I'll admit.
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00:06:08,524 --> 00:06:09,957
I didn't expect Red Bird,
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00:06:09,959 --> 00:06:13,744
Master of Speed, to be a girl.
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00:06:13,746 --> 00:06:15,379
You sure you really
know how to...?
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What is the sound
of one hand slapping?
162
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I'm sorry, I don't understa...
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(slap)
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Wait, how did you...?
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00:06:24,623 --> 00:06:25,806
(slap)
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00:06:27,309 --> 00:06:28,509
Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...
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00:06:28,511 --> 00:06:29,727
(slap)
168
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You know, that tip
isn't a full 20%...
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(two slaps)
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Train me, Red Bird.
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Teach me speed.
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00:06:39,222 --> 00:06:40,488
No.
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I retired long ago.
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00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:44,058
Retired? You're like, 32.
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00:06:44,060 --> 00:06:45,860
I am 86 years old.
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00:06:46,695 --> 00:06:48,095
But slapping is now
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00:06:48,097 --> 00:06:49,363
a part of my past.
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00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:53,250
Darn, I really wanted
to slap Barney Stinson.
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00:06:53,252 --> 00:06:54,869
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
180
00:06:54,871 --> 00:06:56,704
Yeah, okay.
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00:06:56,706 --> 00:06:58,956
I'll totally teach you.
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00:06:58,958 --> 00:07:00,991
MARSHALL:
And so began my training.
183
00:07:00,993 --> 00:07:04,161
Slap this tree.
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00:07:04,163 --> 00:07:05,162
Slap the tree?
185
00:07:05,164 --> 00:07:06,931
If you can.
186
00:07:09,301 --> 00:07:11,218
I mean...
187
00:07:11,220 --> 00:07:12,853
Seems pretty easy.
188
00:07:17,526 --> 00:07:18,926
Ooh!
189
00:07:18,928 --> 00:07:20,528
What the...?
190
00:07:21,679 --> 00:07:23,864
Ooh!
191
00:07:23,866 --> 00:07:26,483
The fabled Slapping Tree
192
00:07:26,485 --> 00:07:28,536
of Gongqing Forest.
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00:07:28,538 --> 00:07:29,520
BARNEY:
Beg your pardon.
194
00:07:29,522 --> 00:07:31,522
The "Fabled Slapping Tree
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00:07:31,524 --> 00:07:34,542
of Gongqing Forest"?
Sure.
196
00:07:34,544 --> 00:07:36,460
Really? "Fabled."
Mmm.
197
00:07:36,462 --> 00:07:38,112
'Cause I've never heard of it.
198
00:07:38,114 --> 00:07:39,079
I'm pretty sure
everybody's heard of it.
199
00:07:39,081 --> 00:07:40,331
Guys?
Yup.
200
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:41,966
Totally, yeah.
I backpacked there in college.
201
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:42,900
See?
202
00:07:42,902 --> 00:07:44,385
Fabled.
It even inspired
203
00:07:44,387 --> 00:07:46,720
a popular Chinese
children's book.
204
00:07:47,956 --> 00:07:49,423
It's a poignant parable
205
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:52,810
whose message, is if you
love someone, set them free.
206
00:07:53,511 --> 00:07:54,979
But not before first
207
00:07:54,981 --> 00:07:57,548
slapping them right
in their stupid face.
208
00:07:58,350 --> 00:08:00,184
As my training continued,
209
00:08:00,186 --> 00:08:03,487
I also learned the delicate artof Chinese painting.
210
00:08:05,073 --> 00:08:07,057
That looks nothing
like this bowl of fruit!
211
00:08:09,194 --> 00:08:10,544
MARSHALL:
My training went on for a year.
212
00:08:10,546 --> 00:08:12,229
A year?
A year.
213
00:08:12,231 --> 00:08:14,031
One year?
None of us noticed
214
00:08:14,033 --> 00:08:16,867
you were stuck in Shanghai
for a year?
215
00:08:16,869 --> 00:08:18,568
I wasn't being held slaptive,
216
00:08:18,570 --> 00:08:20,971
I chose to stay and
complete my training.
217
00:08:20,973 --> 00:08:23,123
I'm not even gonna...
218
00:08:23,125 --> 00:08:24,592
Just, whatever.
219
00:08:25,377 --> 00:08:26,477
You have shown great slaptitude,
220
00:08:26,479 --> 00:08:28,045
young one.
221
00:08:28,047 --> 00:08:30,581
You are ready
for your final test.
222
00:08:30,583 --> 00:08:32,783
Slap me.
223
00:08:32,785 --> 00:08:33,917
What?
224
00:08:33,919 --> 00:08:34,852
Slap me, now!
225
00:08:34,854 --> 00:08:36,604
No, Red Bird, I can't.
226
00:08:36,606 --> 00:08:38,038
Slap me-- that is not a request.
227
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:38,839
I won't!
228
00:08:38,841 --> 00:08:39,773
The Vikings will never
229
00:08:39,775 --> 00:08:41,591
win the Super Bo...
(slap)
230
00:08:42,427 --> 00:08:44,144
Wait, how did you...?
(slap)
231
00:08:44,146 --> 00:08:45,095
Lucky shot.
232
00:08:45,097 --> 00:08:46,680
I wasn't re...
(slap)
233
00:08:46,682 --> 00:08:47,881
That's a big tip.
234
00:08:47,883 --> 00:08:48,932
You must have much gold.
235
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:50,985
(two slaps)
236
00:08:50,987 --> 00:08:53,504
You are ready
for your final step.
237
00:08:53,506 --> 00:08:55,105
Awesome! Oh, man!
238
00:08:55,107 --> 00:08:57,107
I can't wait
to slap Barney Stinson
239
00:08:57,109 --> 00:08:58,775
right across his stupid fa...
240
00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:00,961
(slapping)
241
00:09:02,464 --> 00:09:04,965
What? What did I say?
242
00:09:04,967 --> 00:09:07,685
You must not slap anyone
until your training is complete.
243
00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:10,054
The consequences could be dire.
244
00:09:10,056 --> 00:09:13,273
First, you must meet
White Flower,
245
00:09:13,275 --> 00:09:16,794
the second master,
who will teach you strength.
246
00:09:16,796 --> 00:09:18,412
She lives atop a mountain.
247
00:09:18,414 --> 00:09:19,496
Which mountain?
248
00:09:19,498 --> 00:09:22,599
No, not Witch Mountain.
249
00:09:22,601 --> 00:09:24,551
Slap Mountain.
250
00:09:24,553 --> 00:09:27,855
BARNEY: Hate to cut inagain here, but...
251
00:09:27,857 --> 00:09:30,157
Slap Mountain?
That's right.
252
00:09:30,159 --> 00:09:32,009
You're claiming there's
a mountain in China
253
00:09:32,011 --> 00:09:34,611
in the exact shape of a hand?
254
00:09:34,613 --> 00:09:35,612
Everyone knows that.
255
00:09:35,614 --> 00:09:36,646
Right, guys?
True.
256
00:09:36,648 --> 00:09:38,399
Totally.
I backpacked there in college.
257
00:09:38,401 --> 00:09:41,035
It's the largest
of the Slappalachian Mountains.
258
00:09:41,037 --> 00:09:42,219
(groans)
259
00:09:42,221 --> 00:09:43,420
And at the top...
260
00:09:47,759 --> 00:09:49,493
Excuse me? Uh, do you know
261
00:09:49,495 --> 00:09:51,562
where I can find White Flower?
262
00:09:52,647 --> 00:09:55,299
How dare you speak that name?
263
00:09:55,301 --> 00:09:58,719
That is the most feared name
in 40 villages!
264
00:09:58,721 --> 00:10:01,105
Really? "White Flower"?
265
00:10:01,107 --> 00:10:03,307
I'm sorry, it's just,
it's not exactly Voldemort.
266
00:10:03,309 --> 00:10:04,375
Bro!
267
00:10:04,377 --> 00:10:05,976
Why don't yo
just say "Candyman"
268
00:10:05,978 --> 00:10:07,344
three times and be done with it?
269
00:10:07,346 --> 00:10:08,562
Geez!
270
00:10:16,104 --> 00:10:18,322
(fly buzzing)
271
00:10:22,277 --> 00:10:24,411
Awesome!
272
00:10:24,413 --> 00:10:26,497
Can-can you teach me
how to do that?
273
00:10:26,499 --> 00:10:29,316
No, I retired
from teaching long ago.
274
00:10:29,318 --> 00:10:30,934
Retired? You're like, 32.
275
00:10:30,936 --> 00:10:33,253
I am 106 years old.
276
00:10:33,255 --> 00:10:35,122
What is in these noodles?
277
00:10:35,124 --> 00:10:37,725
I'm sorry,
but my slapping days are over.
278
00:10:37,727 --> 00:10:39,876
Darn, I really wanted
279
00:10:39,878 --> 00:10:43,280
this next Barney Stinson slap
to be special.
280
00:10:43,282 --> 00:10:44,932
This is to slap Barney Stinson?
Mmm.
281
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:46,984
Yeah, okay,
I'll totally teach you.
282
00:10:49,871 --> 00:10:51,438
The true power of any slap
283
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:53,507
comes from the anger behind it.
284
00:10:53,509 --> 00:10:56,226
So for a truly devastating slap,
285
00:10:56,228 --> 00:10:59,263
you must harvest
the anger of many.
286
00:10:59,265 --> 00:11:00,597
Every time
287
00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:03,450
someone who hates Barney
slaps you in the face,
288
00:11:03,452 --> 00:11:07,121
the power of their anger goes
from your face
289
00:11:07,123 --> 00:11:08,589
into your hand.
290
00:11:11,092 --> 00:11:13,994
MARSHALL: White Flower and I made lovethat night in the forest.
291
00:11:13,996 --> 00:11:16,063
No, sorry. Flag on the play.
292
00:11:16,065 --> 00:11:17,765
You banged White Flower?
293
00:11:17,767 --> 00:11:20,601
I made love to White Flower.
294
00:11:20,603 --> 00:11:22,753
And then I banged her.
295
00:11:22,755 --> 00:11:23,687
In the forest?
296
00:11:23,689 --> 00:11:25,689
In Gongqing Forest, yes.
297
00:11:25,691 --> 00:11:28,609
Actually right near
the Slapping Tree.
298
00:11:28,611 --> 00:11:31,612
Which may or may not
have come into play.
299
00:11:31,614 --> 00:11:32,863
Oh, my God,
you had a tree-way?
300
00:11:34,933 --> 00:11:37,167
And, Lily, you were okay
with Marshall having an affair?
301
00:11:37,169 --> 00:11:39,203
What happens
in the magical Gongqing Forest
302
00:11:39,205 --> 00:11:41,405
stays in the magical
Gongqing Forest.
303
00:11:41,407 --> 00:11:43,307
Best wife ever.
304
00:11:44,309 --> 00:11:45,626
Like I was saying,
305
00:11:45,628 --> 00:11:47,377
you need to harvest the anger
306
00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:49,196
of others into your own slap.
307
00:11:49,198 --> 00:11:50,214
Now, dig deep.
308
00:11:50,216 --> 00:11:52,749
Can you think of anyone,
309
00:11:52,751 --> 00:11:54,168
anyone at all
310
00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,620
who hates Barney Stinson?
311
00:11:57,405 --> 00:11:59,189
(both laughing)
312
00:12:00,892 --> 00:12:02,926
I know, I know, I almost
couldn't get through it
313
00:12:02,928 --> 00:12:04,228
with a straight face!
314
00:12:04,230 --> 00:12:06,430
There are just so many people
315
00:12:06,432 --> 00:12:08,982
who hate Barney's guts!
316
00:12:10,134 --> 00:12:12,135
Moving on.
317
00:12:12,137 --> 00:12:13,470
(sighs)
318
00:12:13,472 --> 00:12:16,023
The point is, you need
to go get slapped in the face
319
00:12:16,025 --> 00:12:18,659
by a bunch of gullible chicks
Barney banged.
320
00:12:18,661 --> 00:12:20,911
I'm a friend
of Barney Stinson. Ooh!
321
00:12:20,913 --> 00:12:22,496
I'm a friend of Barney Stins...
322
00:12:22,498 --> 00:12:24,814
I-I'm-I'm a friend
of Barney Stinson. Aah!
323
00:12:24,816 --> 00:12:25,916
Ooh!
324
00:12:25,918 --> 00:12:26,884
I'm so sorry.
325
00:12:26,886 --> 00:12:27,918
I thought you said you were
326
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:28,936
a friend of Barney Stinson.
327
00:12:28,938 --> 00:12:30,487
I did. Ooh!
328
00:12:30,489 --> 00:12:31,538
Oh!
329
00:12:31,540 --> 00:12:35,158
Ooh! Wow!
330
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,595
Could you... also...
331
00:12:38,597 --> 00:12:41,215
slap me in the face?
332
00:12:41,217 --> 00:12:43,734
God, you're just
as perverted as Barney.
333
00:12:43,736 --> 00:12:45,769
Ooh!
334
00:12:45,771 --> 00:12:47,855
(groans)
335
00:12:47,857 --> 00:12:50,107
And after a while...
336
00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:56,613
Look at this thing--
it's all hot and glowy!
337
00:12:56,615 --> 00:12:59,182
I'll never have
cold pizza again!
338
00:12:59,184 --> 00:13:01,869
I'll never have cold pizza
again.
339
00:13:01,871 --> 00:13:02,586
Silence!
340
00:13:02,588 --> 00:13:04,037
Sorry, White Flower.
341
00:13:04,039 --> 00:13:05,689
I've just got
a slappetite for destruction.
342
00:13:05,691 --> 00:13:06,856
Thanks for everything!
343
00:13:06,858 --> 00:13:08,075
I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson
344
00:13:08,077 --> 00:13:09,493
right in his stupid face!
345
00:13:09,495 --> 00:13:12,045
Wait, first you must
go learn accuracy
346
00:13:12,047 --> 00:13:14,381
from the one who is called
The Calligrapher
347
00:13:14,383 --> 00:13:17,534
in the far-off,
mystical land of...
348
00:13:19,671 --> 00:13:21,071
Cleveland?
Cleveland.
349
00:13:21,073 --> 00:13:22,389
Why Cleveland?
350
00:13:22,391 --> 00:13:23,640
It's the city equivalent
351
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,375
of being slapped in the face.
352
00:13:25,377 --> 00:13:26,593
Bro.
353
00:13:26,595 --> 00:13:29,963
Man, is this place
a chain or something?
354
00:13:29,965 --> 00:13:30,931
One for dinner?
355
00:13:30,933 --> 00:13:34,902
No, I'm here to meet her.
356
00:13:34,904 --> 00:13:37,888
Bro.
357
00:13:42,293 --> 00:13:43,810
Can you teach me accuracy?
358
00:13:43,812 --> 00:13:45,345
I can.
359
00:13:45,347 --> 00:13:47,614
The proper question is: will I?
360
00:13:47,616 --> 00:13:49,583
Grammar is the first step
361
00:13:49,585 --> 00:13:52,636
on the thousand-mile journey
to accuracy.
362
00:13:52,638 --> 00:13:56,490
I'm, uh, assuming there's
no Mrs. The Calligrapher?
363
00:13:56,492 --> 00:13:58,926
The path I've chosen
is lonesome.
364
00:13:58,928 --> 00:14:00,043
But it's no big deal.
365
00:14:00,045 --> 00:14:02,078
I prefer being alone,
I really do.
366
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,580
Unless you know
any single ladies
367
00:14:03,582 --> 00:14:05,015
you-you-you could
set me up with.
368
00:14:05,017 --> 00:14:08,084
Nope.
Good, because I prefer being alone.
369
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,070
Also I'm sorry,
370
00:14:10,072 --> 00:14:13,507
but I retired
from teaching long ago.
371
00:14:13,509 --> 00:14:15,042
Retired? You're like, 35.
372
00:14:15,044 --> 00:14:17,444
(groans)
I'm 34.
373
00:14:17,446 --> 00:14:18,445
Oh, sorry.
374
00:14:18,447 --> 00:14:20,147
I use moisturizer every night.
375
00:14:20,149 --> 00:14:22,616
I thought my skin
still looked vibrant.
376
00:14:22,618 --> 00:14:23,917
It does, it does.
377
00:14:23,919 --> 00:14:25,402
Look, uh, I'm just...
378
00:14:25,404 --> 00:14:27,738
I'm really just here
to finish my training,
379
00:14:27,740 --> 00:14:29,790
um, so, the, uh,
look, the truth is,
380
00:14:29,792 --> 00:14:32,909
I have a divorced cousin
just outside of Akron.
381
00:14:32,911 --> 00:14:35,879
Now, I wouldn't call Janice
easy on the eyes--
382
00:14:35,881 --> 00:14:38,081
or the springs
of a bathroom scale--
383
00:14:38,083 --> 00:14:40,500
but if you want,
I could set you up.
384
00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:42,502
Sold! Now, the most
important lesson
385
00:14:42,504 --> 00:14:44,755
in learning accuracy...
(choking)
386
00:14:49,811 --> 00:14:52,128
He was dying right
before my eyes.
387
00:14:52,130 --> 00:14:55,032
So I did the only thing
that I could think to do.
388
00:14:55,034 --> 00:14:57,901
(stammers)
Please!
389
00:14:57,903 --> 00:14:59,569
I slapped his back.
390
00:14:59,571 --> 00:15:00,804
And that's when I found out why
391
00:15:00,806 --> 00:15:03,073
"No slapping until
your training is complete"
392
00:15:03,075 --> 00:15:05,075
is the most important rule.
393
00:15:05,077 --> 00:15:06,943
Because my slap...
394
00:15:06,945 --> 00:15:09,646
was too powerful.
395
00:15:09,648 --> 00:15:12,082
I hadn't learned accuracy
396
00:15:12,084 --> 00:15:14,785
and so I couldn't control it.
397
00:15:14,787 --> 00:15:16,169
And, well...
398
00:15:25,229 --> 00:15:28,749
No!
399
00:15:28,751 --> 00:15:30,650
Stop it! Just stop!
400
00:15:30,652 --> 00:15:33,937
You did not slap the heart
out of a man's body!
401
00:15:33,939 --> 00:15:35,889
If only that were true.
402
00:15:35,891 --> 00:15:38,225
You're saying
that you committed a murder?
403
00:15:38,227 --> 00:15:40,009
I was trying to save him!
404
00:15:40,011 --> 00:15:42,512
Shh, baby, it's okay,
you didn't mean to.
405
00:15:42,514 --> 00:15:43,697
He doesn't sleep.
406
00:15:43,699 --> 00:15:44,848
You got to move on.
You were only trying to help.
407
00:15:44,850 --> 00:15:46,917
You're making
this whole story up.
408
00:15:46,919 --> 00:15:48,852
I wish that I were.
409
00:15:48,854 --> 00:15:50,370
Because of the tragedy,
410
00:15:50,372 --> 00:15:51,538
I never got to
finish my training.
411
00:15:51,540 --> 00:15:54,207
I never learned accuracy.
412
00:15:54,209 --> 00:15:57,244
Because of that,
I shall remain...
413
00:15:57,246 --> 00:15:59,329
forever...
414
00:15:59,331 --> 00:16:02,332
a mere slapprentice.
415
00:16:02,334 --> 00:16:04,084
What does that mean, baby?
416
00:16:04,086 --> 00:16:05,719
NARRATOR:
Here's what it meant.
417
00:16:05,721 --> 00:16:08,422
("O Fortuna" playing)
418
00:16:13,694 --> 00:16:14,845
(Barney gasps)
419
00:16:14,847 --> 00:16:15,896
(yelling)
420
00:16:15,898 --> 00:16:17,881
Damn it!
421
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,205
Please! Somebody!
422
00:16:21,251 --> 00:16:22,917
Help me!
423
00:16:22,919 --> 00:16:26,837
There's a crazy guy trying
to slap me and he's...
424
00:16:26,839 --> 00:16:28,506
Oh, my God.
425
00:16:28,508 --> 00:16:30,241
Four women.
426
00:16:30,243 --> 00:16:31,592
And a willow tree.
427
00:16:33,428 --> 00:16:35,012
At least there's no tiger.
428
00:16:36,882 --> 00:16:38,249
Oh, my God.
429
00:16:38,251 --> 00:16:41,252
Is that... half a tiger?
430
00:16:41,254 --> 00:16:42,853
You got here early.
431
00:16:42,855 --> 00:16:45,256
Aah!
432
00:16:46,591 --> 00:16:47,642
It's time.
433
00:16:47,644 --> 00:16:50,427
But you never completed
your training.
434
00:16:50,429 --> 00:16:52,280
Actually...
435
00:16:52,282 --> 00:16:54,431
Listen to me.
I must speak fast.
436
00:16:54,433 --> 00:16:56,450
Once you've had your heart
slapped out of your body,
437
00:16:56,452 --> 00:16:58,819
you've only got ten,
15 minutes to live, max.
438
00:16:58,821 --> 00:17:01,539
Sure.
The trick to accuracy
439
00:17:01,541 --> 00:17:03,941
is to, like,
try to be really accurate.
440
00:17:03,943 --> 00:17:05,493
Okay? Don't just slap.
441
00:17:05,495 --> 00:17:07,444
Like, like, really try to aim.
442
00:17:07,446 --> 00:17:09,947
Look where you're slapping,
that's important.
443
00:17:09,949 --> 00:17:12,133
And then try to slap that spot
444
00:17:12,135 --> 00:17:15,119
instead of some other spot.
445
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,721
Well, I guess
that's pretty much it.
446
00:17:16,723 --> 00:17:17,838
You can slap people now.
447
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,790
(groans)
448
00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:23,594
He's gone.
449
00:17:23,596 --> 00:17:24,795
One other thing.
450
00:17:24,797 --> 00:17:26,480
Cleveland has a lot to offer.
451
00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:29,300
Be sure to check out
the James A. Garfield Monument.
452
00:17:29,302 --> 00:17:31,819
Um, I mean, sure, he was only
president for four months
453
00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:33,271
before he was assassinated,
454
00:17:33,273 --> 00:17:35,606
but if you get up to the top,
you can see almost for 30 miles.
455
00:17:35,608 --> 00:17:37,858
As long as the steel factory's
not smelting.
456
00:17:37,860 --> 00:17:40,661
(groans)
457
00:17:41,697 --> 00:17:42,947
He's gone.
458
00:17:42,949 --> 00:17:46,083
No, like I said,
ten, 15 minutes.
459
00:17:47,636 --> 00:17:49,287
Oh, God, this is awkward.
460
00:17:49,289 --> 00:17:50,788
Yeah, yeah.
461
00:17:50,790 --> 00:17:52,006
It's like when you're saying
good-bye to someone,
462
00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:53,124
and then you realize
you're both heading
463
00:17:53,126 --> 00:17:54,175
in the same direction.
464
00:17:54,177 --> 00:17:55,176
It's like, what
do we, what do we
465
00:17:55,178 --> 00:17:57,161
we say good-bye again or...?
466
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,180
Right...
(groans)
467
00:17:59,182 --> 00:18:01,665
He's gone.
468
00:18:03,435 --> 00:18:06,304
Wait, are you just pretending
so it'll be less awkward?
469
00:18:07,105 --> 00:18:09,190
Should I just, like, go?
470
00:18:09,908 --> 00:18:12,093
Okay.
471
00:18:17,683 --> 00:18:20,568
My training is complete.
472
00:18:21,553 --> 00:18:23,571
I'm ready.
473
00:18:25,123 --> 00:18:27,241
I'm ready, too.
474
00:18:28,377 --> 00:18:29,410
I love you.
475
00:18:29,412 --> 00:18:30,694
Enough to take this slap for me?
476
00:18:30,696 --> 00:18:32,913
No.
477
00:18:35,133 --> 00:18:37,385
♪
478
00:19:04,463 --> 00:19:06,030
(grunts)
479
00:19:07,499 --> 00:19:08,449
That's four!
480
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,201
All right!
Yeah! Oh!
481
00:19:10,203 --> 00:19:12,203
Good one, you got me
that time, bro.
482
00:19:12,205 --> 00:19:13,237
Yeah, right?
Hey, only one slap left.
483
00:19:13,239 --> 00:19:14,839
Crazy! Where did the time go?
484
00:19:14,841 --> 00:19:15,756
I know, it's, like, uh,
485
00:19:15,758 --> 00:19:17,291
slow down, life,
you know what I mean?
486
00:19:17,293 --> 00:19:18,409
(laughter)
487
00:19:18,411 --> 00:19:20,177
Hey, was that a fake jukebox?
488
00:19:20,179 --> 00:19:21,962
Yeah, yeah, fake jukebox.
Nice, nice.
489
00:19:21,964 --> 00:19:23,414
Aw, man.
All right.
490
00:19:23,416 --> 00:19:24,915
You okay? Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, good.
491
00:19:26,349 --> 00:19:29,407
Ladies and gentlemen,
Boyz II Men.
492
00:19:29,504 --> 00:19:31,837
♪ Ooh-ooh
493
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:34,457
♪ Ooh
494
00:19:34,459 --> 00:19:37,709
♪ What is this feeling
495
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:41,647
♪ That's put you
in your place? ♪
496
00:19:41,649 --> 00:19:44,683
♪ A hot red burning
497
00:19:44,685 --> 00:19:47,186
♪ On the side of your face
498
00:19:47,188 --> 00:19:48,487
♪ Ah ♪
499
00:19:48,489 --> 00:19:50,389
♪ You feel the blood rush ♪
500
00:19:50,391 --> 00:19:51,941
♪ To your cheek
501
00:19:51,943 --> 00:19:55,995
♪ Tears start
to fill your eyes ♪
502
00:19:55,997 --> 00:19:59,532
♪ Your lips are trembling,
but you can't speak ♪
503
00:19:59,534 --> 00:20:01,617
♪ You're trying, oh ♪
504
00:20:01,619 --> 00:20:05,955
♪ You're trying not to cry ♪
505
00:20:05,957 --> 00:20:08,140
♪ You just got slapped
506
00:20:08,142 --> 00:20:10,025
♪ Whoa
507
00:20:10,027 --> 00:20:12,628
♪ Across the face, my friend
508
00:20:12,630 --> 00:20:15,747
♪ Yeah, you just got slapped
509
00:20:15,749 --> 00:20:17,466
♪ Oh, yes
510
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,435
♪ It really just happened
511
00:20:19,437 --> 00:20:21,303
♪ Oh, yes, it did ♪
512
00:20:21,305 --> 00:20:25,608
♪ Oh, everybody saw it-- ha!
513
00:20:25,610 --> 00:20:28,727
♪ And everybody laughed
and clapped ♪
514
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,230
♪ Ooh, everybody saw it
515
00:20:31,232 --> 00:20:36,935
♪ Ha! And everybody laughed
and clapped ♪
516
00:20:36,937 --> 00:20:42,708
♪ 'Cause it was awesome ♪
♪ So awesome ♪
517
00:20:42,710 --> 00:20:45,127
♪ The way that you
just got slapped ♪
518
00:20:45,129 --> 00:20:48,631
♪ Ooh, yeah
♪ Slapped ♪
519
00:20:48,633 --> 00:20:51,050
♪ Oh, yeah.
520
00:20:51,052 --> 00:20:56,052
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
521
00:20:57,425 --> 00:20:58,724
One more.
35252
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