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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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NARRATOR: Kids, when yourUncle Marshall's bus broke down
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five miles awayfrom the Farhampton Inn,
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00:00:05,161 --> 00:00:06,493
he made a vow.
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I can walk that far.
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Yes. It was anotherexciting installment of...
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MARSHALL:
♪ Marshall versus the machines
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♪ Our hero starts his journey
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♪ With steely-eyed resolve,
but let's ♪
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♪ Skip ahead to later
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♪ With a slow dissolve
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♪ So tired, dehydrated
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00:00:30,152 --> 00:00:33,053
♪ Not making any sense
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♪ But wait a second,
why is Bigfoot ♪
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♪ Standing by that fence?
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Oh. Hey.
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You didn't see this.
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♪ I'm not hallucinating
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♪ Bigfoot really exists
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♪ But everyone knows
he quit smoking years ago ♪
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MARSHALL:
Oh, crap. I'm losing it.
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(vehicle approaching)
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(horn honks)
WOMAN: Excuse me. Hey.
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You guys need a lift?
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NARRATOR: And that's how Marshallmet your mother.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x13 ♪
Bass Player Wanted
Original Air Date on December 16, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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This is great.
The whole gang together.
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00:01:20,786 --> 00:01:23,487
Well, almost
the whole gang.
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Yeah, there's just one beloved
piece of the puzzle missing.
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That bottle of 30-year
Glen McKenna scotch.
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Mmm...
(slurping)
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NARRATOR:
So far, that weekend
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had been fatalfor not just one...
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00:01:37,136 --> 00:01:39,086
but two bottles of $600 scotch
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00:01:39,088 --> 00:01:42,089
intendedfor a special wedding toast.
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00:01:42,091 --> 00:01:44,057
Also, where the
hell is Marshall?
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I still can't believe he took
the judgeship behind my back.
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Look, I know this is messy, my
dream versus Marshall's dream.
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I won't force you guys
to choose sides.
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00:01:53,719 --> 00:01:55,736
Good, because I totally side
with Marshall.
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That would've been so awkward.
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Hey, let's go see if they have
any Glen McKenna up at the bar.
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Okay.
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Hey, look, don't be mad.
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Barney just thinks
that if he has a judge friend,
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he can get all of his citations
for public urination thrown out.
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How often does Barney pee
in public?
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A lot.
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But don't worry.
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I'm on your side.
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Aw...
(chuckles)
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What's poppin', mi amigas?
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ROBIN:
Oh, boy, who's this idiot?
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LILY: And which one of us is he gonna
try to make the sex on?
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You both look beautiful tonight.
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ROBIN:
Bro, going for the tricycle.
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00:02:30,522 --> 00:02:34,841
(scoffs) Can you imagine havinga three-way with this creep?
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(chuckles)
Yeah, right.
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You, me and this guy,
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naked, going at it.
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Then he gets tired and it'sjust you and me going at it.
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ROBIN: Uh, Lily...That'd be so stupid.
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So stupid...
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ROBIN:
Um, okay, I'll shoot him down.
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By the way, I am so psyched
for the wedding tomorrow, Robin.
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I'm truly honored
that you and Barney
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asked me to be a part of it.
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We're honored...
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you're here...
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...valued invitee.
(chuckles)
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(chuckles)
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ROBIN:
Help me. Who is this?
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00:03:07,226 --> 00:03:10,344
LILY: Maybe he's one of yourlong-lost Canadian cousins?
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00:03:10,346 --> 00:03:14,147
Uh, do you happen to have all
of your fingers and teeth?
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Uh... yeah.
(chuckles)
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ROBIN:
Not one of my cousins.
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Hey, thanks again
for picking us up.
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It's been a crazy
couple of days.
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You can't imagine
what we've been through.
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Wait, let me guess.
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You were visiting a relative,
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maybe... your mother?
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00:03:31,684 --> 00:03:32,783
And I'm getting
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a Midwest vibe,
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somewhere like...
Wisconsin...
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(scoffs)
...no, Minnesota?
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Wow.
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You're-you're, like,
really good at this.
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You're planning an overseas trip
with your wife.
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00:03:43,578 --> 00:03:45,545
I'm seeing a...
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00:03:45,547 --> 00:03:47,747
a feisty redhead who loves art.
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00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:48,765
She just got a job
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in Europe, maybe France?
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00:03:50,185 --> 00:03:51,584
No. Italy?
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(gasps)
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Total shot in the dark, but...
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Rome?
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Maybe I'll just, like...
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I'll get out right here.
(doors lock)
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You're not going anywhere.
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No, I'm just messin' with ya.
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I rode the train with your wife.
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She told me all about you.
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You must be Marshall.
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Um...
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I was checking on the baby.
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(laughs)
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(laughing): Wait-wait a minute,
wait a minute.
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So you guys both got locked out
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on the roof in your pajamas?
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You guys are hilarious
and adorable!
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LILY:
Any idea who this guy is?
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00:04:33,795 --> 00:04:35,645
ROBIN:
No, but I like that he gets
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how hilariousand adorable we are!
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LILY:
We are hilarious and adorable!
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(laughs)
I'll get the next round.
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Oh, thanks.
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Thanks, Lil.
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Hey, I'm sorry if
I barged in on you guys.
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I can be a little overeager
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00:04:49,778 --> 00:04:51,778
to connect sometimes.
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00:04:51,780 --> 00:04:53,780
Probably because of
my childhood.
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00:04:53,782 --> 00:04:55,198
Right.
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00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,584
Because of that thing
that happened.
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00:04:57,586 --> 00:04:59,319
My mother died
on a hunting trip
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00:04:59,321 --> 00:05:01,488
when I was very young.
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00:05:01,490 --> 00:05:03,874
Yeah, that's it,
that's the thing.
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00:05:03,876 --> 00:05:05,876
Sorry, blah, too heavy!
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00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:06,877
(chuckles)
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00:05:06,879 --> 00:05:07,878
So, Robin.
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What's going on...
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with you?
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Oh, nothing.
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00:05:12,301 --> 00:05:14,134
I mean, uh, nothing big, anyway.
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00:05:14,136 --> 00:05:15,519
Hey, hey, hey...
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00:05:15,521 --> 00:05:18,004
this is me
you're talking to.
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00:05:19,173 --> 00:05:21,525
Well, there is
this thing with Lily...
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00:05:21,527 --> 00:05:23,059
You know, Ted,
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00:05:23,061 --> 00:05:24,778
if you really want
to get a bottle
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of Glen McKenna 30-year
for Barney,
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00:05:26,698 --> 00:05:29,349
I got that last one at
the Farhampton Liquor Store.
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00:05:29,351 --> 00:05:31,618
The security there
is a total joke!
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00:05:31,620 --> 00:05:33,620
No, see, I don't
want to know that.
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00:05:33,622 --> 00:05:36,123
I won't be an accomplice
to grand larceny.
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00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:38,691
I am not confirming
or denying a thing.
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00:05:38,693 --> 00:05:40,710
But there's a really high window
in the storage room
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00:05:40,712 --> 00:05:42,028
and if you climb up...
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00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:43,914
La la la la la,
I'm not listening!
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00:05:43,916 --> 00:05:45,215
I love Barney,
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00:05:45,217 --> 00:05:46,666
but I'm not going
to jail for him.
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00:05:46,668 --> 00:05:48,051
What? Really?
Why not?
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00:05:48,053 --> 00:05:49,202
I'd go to jail for you.
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00:05:49,204 --> 00:05:50,804
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
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00:05:50,806 --> 00:05:52,005
Going to jail for
your best friend?
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That's the dream.
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00:05:53,058 --> 00:05:54,207
Really?
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00:05:54,209 --> 00:05:55,475
That's the dream?
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00:05:55,477 --> 00:05:58,762
Yeah, it's the most noble--
nay, bro-ble--
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00:05:58,764 --> 00:06:00,481
thing a bro can do
for a fellow bro.
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00:06:00,506 --> 00:06:01,048
Mm-hmm.
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00:06:01,049 --> 00:06:03,567
So yes, Ted, that's the dream.
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00:06:03,569 --> 00:06:06,019
You're too liberal with the phrase
"That's the dream."
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00:06:06,021 --> 00:06:07,571
Name one other time
I've said that!
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A suit made of prosciutto
so you can eat your way naked,
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00:06:09,825 --> 00:06:10,874
"That's the dream."
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00:06:10,876 --> 00:06:13,076
A pack of lions
fighting a tyrannosaurus,
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00:06:13,078 --> 00:06:14,194
"That's the dream."
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00:06:14,196 --> 00:06:15,162
Being able to take
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00:06:15,164 --> 00:06:16,413
a whole year's
worth of dumps
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in one, nonstop
24-hour period
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then not having
to dump again
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for the rest
of the year,
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"That's the dream."
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00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:23,903
I never said Dump Day
was the dream.
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00:06:23,905 --> 00:06:26,373
I said science is
this close to a pill.
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00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:28,408
There can only be
one "the dream"!
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00:06:28,410 --> 00:06:30,577
You're saying it's going
to jail for a bro?
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00:06:30,579 --> 00:06:31,761
You're comfortable
with that being
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00:06:31,763 --> 00:06:33,547
the one and only
dream, forever?
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00:06:34,382 --> 00:06:35,549
Yes.
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00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:37,917
Great, now you can never
use that phrase again.
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00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,919
And for me,
that's the dream.
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00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,389
Hey, Lily, Robin just
told me about Italy!
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00:06:42,391 --> 00:06:44,924
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be great.
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00:06:44,926 --> 00:06:47,360
Well, that is, if I can
convince my husband
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00:06:47,362 --> 00:06:49,229
to keep his promise
and move there with me.
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00:06:49,231 --> 00:06:50,647
Robin, I know
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00:06:50,649 --> 00:06:52,482
you told me you want
Marshall to win,
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00:06:52,484 --> 00:06:53,433
but I don't know.
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00:06:53,435 --> 00:06:55,452
I gotta side
with Lily on this one.
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00:06:55,454 --> 00:06:56,620
Later, skaters.
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00:07:00,441 --> 00:07:02,826
Thanks again
for saving us.
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00:07:02,828 --> 00:07:04,777
Well, I don't normally
stop like that,
194
00:07:04,779 --> 00:07:07,780
but I just had to for the cutest
hitchhiker in the world!
195
00:07:07,782 --> 00:07:09,966
Thank you.
196
00:07:09,968 --> 00:07:11,885
Oh, you were talking
about Marvin.
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00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:15,055
(coos) Sorry, it's been
a really, really long day.
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00:07:15,057 --> 00:07:16,840
When we get there,
I'll buy you a drink.
199
00:07:16,842 --> 00:07:19,959
Thank you,
but, um, after I drop you off,
200
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:22,262
I'm heading back to the city.
201
00:07:22,264 --> 00:07:23,346
What?
I thought you said that
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00:07:23,348 --> 00:07:24,397
your-your band's
playing the wedding.
203
00:07:24,399 --> 00:07:25,432
Why are you leaving?
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00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:26,633
The lead singer.
205
00:07:26,635 --> 00:07:27,734
He's the devil.
206
00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:29,185
He's a total fire-starter.
207
00:07:29,187 --> 00:07:30,320
He just ruins
people's lives
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00:07:30,322 --> 00:07:31,855
for his own amusement.
209
00:07:31,857 --> 00:07:33,806
You know, he will walk
up to two friends,
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00:07:33,808 --> 00:07:35,525
he will find the one thing
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00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:38,662
that will destroy their
friendship and just-- poof!--
212
00:07:38,664 --> 00:07:40,330
burn it to the ground.
213
00:07:40,332 --> 00:07:41,615
Wow.
214
00:07:41,617 --> 00:07:42,916
What's his name?
215
00:07:44,368 --> 00:07:45,835
What's poppin',
mi amigos?
216
00:07:45,837 --> 00:07:47,504
THE MOTHER:
Darren.
217
00:07:50,662 --> 00:07:52,385
You're rooting
for Marshall?!
218
00:07:52,386 --> 00:07:54,336
Well, why don't you just get
219
00:07:54,338 --> 00:07:55,537
a Team Marshall T-shirt?
220
00:07:55,539 --> 00:07:56,539
What size are you?
221
00:07:56,541 --> 00:07:57,573
Extra-traitor?
222
00:07:57,575 --> 00:07:59,408
No. No, okay...
223
00:07:59,410 --> 00:08:01,527
What I said was...
224
00:08:01,529 --> 00:08:03,429
See, all I meant was...
225
00:08:03,431 --> 00:08:04,763
God, how did we get here?
226
00:08:04,765 --> 00:08:07,099
That's the question
you're left asking yourself.
227
00:08:07,101 --> 00:08:08,751
So here's how
he does it:
228
00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:11,403
First, he makes you
feel like you are
229
00:08:11,405 --> 00:08:12,738
the most hilarious
230
00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,057
and adorable person
in the world...
231
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,575
You guys are
hilarious
232
00:08:16,577 --> 00:08:17,776
and adorable!
233
00:08:17,778 --> 00:08:19,394
TED:
I like that he gets
234
00:08:19,396 --> 00:08:21,497
how hilariousand adorable we are.
235
00:08:21,499 --> 00:08:23,833
BARNEY:
We are hilarious and adorable.
236
00:08:23,835 --> 00:08:25,367
(laughing)
237
00:08:25,369 --> 00:08:27,569
Next, he finds some flimsy
connection with you
238
00:08:27,571 --> 00:08:28,821
based on where you're from...
239
00:08:28,823 --> 00:08:29,922
Cleveland?
Yeah.
240
00:08:29,924 --> 00:08:31,590
Galluci's serves the
241
00:08:31,592 --> 00:08:32,791
best pepperoni bread!
Best pepperoni bread!
242
00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:34,510
And Staten Island!
243
00:08:34,512 --> 00:08:37,012
Guys getting in fights
on their front lawns!
244
00:08:37,014 --> 00:08:38,848
It's like you're
from there!
245
00:08:38,850 --> 00:08:40,249
(laughing)
246
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,218
TED:
This guy's awesome!
247
00:08:42,220 --> 00:08:43,853
BARNEY:
So awesome!
248
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,521
TED:
I'd totally go to jail for him.
249
00:08:45,523 --> 00:08:48,090
BARNEY:
That hurts.
250
00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:51,610
Next, he tells you
a "deep personal secret"
251
00:08:51,612 --> 00:08:53,262
that is usually
the tragic back-story
252
00:08:53,264 --> 00:08:54,563
from an animated kid's film.
253
00:08:54,565 --> 00:08:57,149
My mother died on
a hunting trip.
254
00:08:57,151 --> 00:08:58,651
It's often Bambi.
255
00:08:58,653 --> 00:09:01,070
My father was
betrayed and killed
256
00:09:01,072 --> 00:09:03,072
by a trusted advisor.
257
00:09:03,074 --> 00:09:05,791
Sometimes he'll throw a little
Lion King in there.
258
00:09:05,793 --> 00:09:07,877
I have no family.
259
00:09:07,879 --> 00:09:09,662
But tonight...
260
00:09:09,664 --> 00:09:11,613
I think maybe
I found two brothers.
261
00:09:11,615 --> 00:09:13,282
(sobs)
262
00:09:13,284 --> 00:09:15,384
Sorry, blah, too heavy.
263
00:09:15,386 --> 00:09:16,552
(crying):
That's okay, man.
264
00:09:16,554 --> 00:09:18,337
(crying):
Let me get you a drink.
265
00:09:18,339 --> 00:09:20,289
THE MOTHER: And then, onceyour guard is down,
266
00:09:20,291 --> 00:09:23,125
the emotionalprostate exam begins...
267
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,059
So, Ted,
268
00:09:24,061 --> 00:09:26,628
what's going on...
with you?
269
00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,765
Well... I mean,
there was this thing...
270
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,133
Never mind.
271
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:32,568
Hey, hey, hey...
272
00:09:32,570 --> 00:09:34,737
This is me you're talking to.
273
00:09:36,823 --> 00:09:38,473
Look, all I meant
274
00:09:38,475 --> 00:09:40,475
was that there are
two sides here.
275
00:09:40,477 --> 00:09:41,443
Yes,
276
00:09:41,445 --> 00:09:43,279
Italy is your dream,
277
00:09:43,281 --> 00:09:44,813
but being a judge is Marshall's.
278
00:09:44,815 --> 00:09:45,831
Well, that
279
00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:46,865
and teaching prop comedy
280
00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:47,866
to a tropical bird.
281
00:09:47,868 --> 00:09:50,452
Parrot Top has nothing
to do with this!
282
00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:52,371
I don't need
objectivity.
283
00:09:52,373 --> 00:09:55,374
You're my best friend,
I just need your support.
284
00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:57,042
I understand.
You got it.
285
00:09:57,044 --> 00:09:58,427
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
286
00:09:58,429 --> 00:09:59,494
Oh, me, too.
287
00:09:59,496 --> 00:10:00,846
Forgot my phone.
288
00:10:00,848 --> 00:10:02,998
I'm sorry, you guys are probably
talking wedding details.
289
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,850
I mean, no maid of honor's
gonna steal the spotlight
290
00:10:04,852 --> 00:10:06,018
with her own problem
291
00:10:06,020 --> 00:10:07,303
on the bride's big weekend,
am I right?
292
00:10:07,305 --> 00:10:09,021
Keep it real, homies!
293
00:10:12,275 --> 00:10:13,275
You know, he is right.
294
00:10:13,277 --> 00:10:15,110
Why is this all about you?
295
00:10:15,112 --> 00:10:16,395
I mean, you have
been preoccupied
296
00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:17,646
with Marshall all weekend.
297
00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:18,948
I have not!
298
00:10:18,950 --> 00:10:21,016
You have been sleeping
with a doll made of cushions
299
00:10:21,018 --> 00:10:22,351
that you named after him.
300
00:10:22,353 --> 00:10:23,685
Not true!
301
00:10:23,687 --> 00:10:24,737
After we do our business,
302
00:10:24,739 --> 00:10:26,405
I make Marshpillow
sleep on the couch!
303
00:10:26,407 --> 00:10:28,690
So there!
Oh, my God, that is so ridiculous!
304
00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:29,842
So, what did Darren
do to you?
305
00:10:29,844 --> 00:10:32,411
Well, a few years ago,
I started this band.
306
00:10:32,413 --> 00:10:33,996
And, you know, it was a goof--
307
00:10:33,998 --> 00:10:37,249
it was just me and a couple
of dorks from business school.
308
00:10:37,251 --> 00:10:39,868
I'm actually embarrassed
to tell you our name.
309
00:10:39,870 --> 00:10:41,337
I had an all-lawyer funk band
310
00:10:41,339 --> 00:10:43,806
called The Funk, The Whole Funk,
And Nothing But The Funk.
311
00:10:43,808 --> 00:10:46,392
Oh, I now feel very safe
talking about my band--
312
00:10:46,394 --> 00:10:47,593
Super-Freak-Onomics.
313
00:10:47,595 --> 00:10:49,478
Nice.
(laughs) Anyway,
314
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,981
I brought Darren in
to split lead vocals,
315
00:10:51,983 --> 00:10:53,399
and he took over.
316
00:10:53,401 --> 00:10:55,317
You know, first
he took away my solos,
317
00:10:55,319 --> 00:10:57,019
then I got demoted
to backup vocals,
318
00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:59,271
and now the only time
I use a mic
319
00:10:59,273 --> 00:11:02,074
is after Darren's first
false exit, when I say,
320
00:11:02,076 --> 00:11:04,109
"Do you guys want more Darren?"
321
00:11:04,111 --> 00:11:05,361
And then today,
322
00:11:05,363 --> 00:11:08,280
I found this
ad online.
323
00:11:08,282 --> 00:11:10,732
"Ass player wanted"?
324
00:11:10,734 --> 00:11:11,583
Move your thumb.
325
00:11:11,585 --> 00:11:13,502
Oh, "bass player wanted."
326
00:11:13,504 --> 00:11:16,121
Wait, he was gonna kick you
out of your own band?
327
00:11:16,123 --> 00:11:17,456
Yeah.
328
00:11:17,458 --> 00:11:20,542
But instead...I quit.
329
00:11:20,544 --> 00:11:22,577
You quit?! That's it?
330
00:11:22,579 --> 00:11:25,014
But it's your band--
you must be avenged!
331
00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:26,548
(laughs):
Funny you should say that,
332
00:11:26,550 --> 00:11:29,802
because as I was leaving
the hotel, I ran into someone.
333
00:11:29,804 --> 00:11:33,639
You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.
334
00:11:33,641 --> 00:11:36,025
Aldrin Justice, nice!
335
00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:37,926
Your wife is cool.
336
00:11:37,928 --> 00:11:40,029
Oh, the coolest.
337
00:11:40,864 --> 00:11:42,597
Hey, did she, um,
happen to mention
338
00:11:42,599 --> 00:11:44,099
the fact
that I'm sort of ruining
339
00:11:44,101 --> 00:11:45,567
her dream of moving to Italy?
340
00:11:45,569 --> 00:11:48,353
Uh, yeah, that did come up.
341
00:11:48,355 --> 00:11:51,740
You need to steal
this douche monkey's van.
342
00:11:52,325 --> 00:11:53,775
And then run
343
00:11:53,777 --> 00:11:56,045
my husband over with it.
344
00:11:56,047 --> 00:11:58,497
I think you've got
a tough talk coming.
345
00:11:58,499 --> 00:11:59,965
Yeah, well, so do you.
346
00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:01,917
When we get
to the Farhampton Inn,
347
00:12:01,919 --> 00:12:03,785
you're gonna go in there and
you're gonna stand up to Darren.
348
00:12:03,787 --> 00:12:06,422
Oh, come on,
I Aldrin Justiced him.
349
00:12:06,424 --> 00:12:07,956
Yeah, but I bet
you're just gonna give
350
00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:09,758
this van right back to him.
351
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:11,777
I mean, were you at least
gonna pee in it a little?
352
00:12:11,779 --> 00:12:15,564
I was gonna gas it up
and get it washed.
353
00:12:15,566 --> 00:12:17,266
You're too nice.
354
00:12:17,268 --> 00:12:18,901
I'm the same way.
355
00:12:18,903 --> 00:12:20,769
Sometimes you got
to get in there
356
00:12:20,771 --> 00:12:21,904
and-and stand up for yourself.
357
00:12:21,906 --> 00:12:24,823
I always cave and side
with the other person.
358
00:12:24,825 --> 00:12:26,742
I can't handle confrontation.
359
00:12:26,744 --> 00:12:27,809
Yes, you can.
360
00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:29,278
You make some good points.
361
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,163
Look.
362
00:12:31,165 --> 00:12:34,099
I don't know you, but I can tell
that you're strong.
363
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,502
That's your band.
364
00:12:36,504 --> 00:12:38,871
Don't let Darren steal it away.
365
00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:41,123
(sighs)
366
00:12:41,125 --> 00:12:43,092
No, there's
no defeating the devil.
367
00:12:43,094 --> 00:12:45,660
He's someone else's problem now.
368
00:12:46,563 --> 00:12:48,163
I'm sorry
if I've been
369
00:12:48,165 --> 00:12:49,515
distracted this weekend.
370
00:12:49,517 --> 00:12:51,850
Oh, let's not fight anymore,
okay?
371
00:12:51,852 --> 00:12:54,520
Oh, good, Robin,
you finally told Lily
372
00:12:54,522 --> 00:12:55,888
you feel like she's
abandoning you as a friend
373
00:12:55,890 --> 00:12:56,839
by going to Italy.
374
00:12:56,841 --> 00:12:59,892
Honesty is progress.
Stay gold.
375
00:13:00,944 --> 00:13:02,311
I'm not...
376
00:13:02,313 --> 00:13:03,779
Ooh, Ted.
(indistinct chatter)
377
00:13:03,781 --> 00:13:04,781
When you move to Chicago,
378
00:13:04,782 --> 00:13:07,366
you got to try Gazzola's pizza.
379
00:13:07,368 --> 00:13:08,683
Namaste, hermanos.
380
00:13:14,667 --> 00:13:16,624
You're moving to Chicago?
381
00:13:16,882 --> 00:13:19,532
Is that even a real place?
382
00:13:19,534 --> 00:13:21,068
It's a style of pizza.
383
00:13:21,070 --> 00:13:22,869
Ted, you can't live in a pizza.
384
00:13:22,871 --> 00:13:24,921
I got an amazing
job offer there.
385
00:13:24,923 --> 00:13:27,274
Look, Lily knows,
but Marshall and Robin don't.
386
00:13:27,276 --> 00:13:28,608
So please keep it quiet.
387
00:13:28,610 --> 00:13:31,895
(loudly):
You're moving to Chicago?!
388
00:13:31,897 --> 00:13:35,381
He-he's moving to Chicago!
389
00:13:35,383 --> 00:13:36,767
When do you move?
390
00:13:36,769 --> 00:13:39,436
At least tell me it's not
until next year or something.
391
00:13:39,438 --> 00:13:42,405
It's not until...
392
00:13:42,407 --> 00:13:43,556
Monday.
393
00:13:43,558 --> 00:13:45,859
Monday?!
394
00:13:45,861 --> 00:13:49,362
So you are just gonna disappear
the day after my wedding?
395
00:13:49,364 --> 00:13:52,165
After ten years
of being best friends?
396
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:53,769
Well, actually, Marshall's my...
Don't even think about it!
397
00:13:53,770 --> 00:13:54,559
That's fair enough.
398
00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,782
You are gonna give me
one day's notice?
399
00:13:57,256 --> 00:14:00,073
Well, I didn't want to upset you
on your wedding weekend.
400
00:14:00,075 --> 00:14:01,458
No, it's good.
401
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,592
It'll be easy to say good-bye
402
00:14:02,594 --> 00:14:04,511
now that I know how much
I mean to you.
403
00:14:04,513 --> 00:14:06,930
Well... (sighs)
404
00:14:08,766 --> 00:14:10,851
(door closes)
(footsteps approach)
405
00:14:10,853 --> 00:14:12,435
Hey.
406
00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,304
Hey.
407
00:14:14,306 --> 00:14:15,722
Look, I was...
408
00:14:15,724 --> 00:14:18,058
I was never really
rooting for Marshall.
409
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:21,144
I was rooting
to not lose my best friend.
410
00:14:22,146 --> 00:14:23,930
But that's selfish.
411
00:14:23,932 --> 00:14:25,565
No matter where you go,
412
00:14:25,567 --> 00:14:27,818
I'm in your corner
and I always will be.
413
00:14:28,569 --> 00:14:29,820
And to prove it...
414
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,442
What are you gonna do
with Marshpillow?
415
00:14:36,444 --> 00:14:37,627
Hold his arms back
416
00:14:37,629 --> 00:14:40,113
while you beat the goose down
out of this bastard.
417
00:14:40,115 --> 00:14:42,799
Because that's
what best friends do.
418
00:14:42,801 --> 00:14:44,668
Thanks, it-it's not gonna help.
419
00:14:44,670 --> 00:14:46,253
Try it. One punch.
420
00:14:49,423 --> 00:14:51,641
Ooh, that felt good.
421
00:14:51,643 --> 00:14:52,843
Mm-hmm.
422
00:14:52,845 --> 00:14:54,127
(grunting)
Yeah, that's it, sweetheart.
423
00:14:54,129 --> 00:14:57,630
Head, body, head.
Head, body, head.
424
00:15:00,017 --> 00:15:01,985
Barney, wait, wait!
425
00:15:01,987 --> 00:15:03,403
Your friendship is
important to me.
426
00:15:03,405 --> 00:15:04,938
I swear on my mother's...
427
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,306
No, I swear to God.
428
00:15:06,308 --> 00:15:08,074
No... I swear to Hef.
429
00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:10,493
(gasps)
Don't take that name in vain.
430
00:15:10,495 --> 00:15:14,281
If someone is important to you,
you tell them you're moving.
431
00:15:14,283 --> 00:15:17,751
I'm just some guy you
used to know back in New York.
432
00:15:17,753 --> 00:15:19,502
Hey.
433
00:15:22,290 --> 00:15:23,790
Whoa.
434
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,292
How...?
435
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:35,135
That's a $600 bottle.
436
00:15:35,137 --> 00:15:37,337
Ted, that's grand larceny.
437
00:15:37,339 --> 00:15:39,306
You really could go
to jail for this.
438
00:15:39,308 --> 00:15:42,392
That's the dream.
439
00:15:42,394 --> 00:15:44,895
So...
440
00:15:44,897 --> 00:15:46,663
you're moving to Chicago.
441
00:15:46,665 --> 00:15:49,182
I'm going to Chicago.
442
00:15:49,184 --> 00:15:50,984
Why? I know
Marshall and Lily might leave,
443
00:15:50,986 --> 00:15:52,852
but it's only a year,
and in the meantime,
444
00:15:52,854 --> 00:15:54,537
we'll still see each other
all the time.
445
00:15:54,539 --> 00:15:55,906
You, me, Robin...
446
00:15:58,242 --> 00:16:00,460
Oh.
447
00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:04,881
I need a new start.
448
00:16:06,550 --> 00:16:08,368
I'm gonna miss you.
449
00:16:08,370 --> 00:16:10,387
I'm gonna miss you so much.
450
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,092
Well, here we are.
451
00:16:16,094 --> 00:16:17,227
Good luck in there.
452
00:16:17,229 --> 00:16:18,428
Thank you.
453
00:16:18,430 --> 00:16:20,046
And don't worry,
454
00:16:20,048 --> 00:16:21,348
at the reception, I'll yell,
455
00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,600
"The lead singer
sucks skunk junk,"
456
00:16:23,602 --> 00:16:24,901
after every song.
457
00:16:24,903 --> 00:16:25,936
(laughing)
458
00:16:25,938 --> 00:16:26,886
I'll come up with something
459
00:16:26,888 --> 00:16:28,521
better than "skunk junk."
460
00:16:28,523 --> 00:16:29,489
No, no.
461
00:16:29,491 --> 00:16:31,875
"Skunk junk" is pretty solid.
462
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:36,246
You can't yell that
at the lead singer.
463
00:16:36,248 --> 00:16:39,582
Because I don't suck skunk junk.
464
00:16:39,584 --> 00:16:41,284
Wait, are you saying...?
465
00:16:41,286 --> 00:16:43,787
I'm coming in. Darren and I
are gonna have a chat
466
00:16:43,789 --> 00:16:45,672
about my band!
467
00:16:45,674 --> 00:16:47,123
(whoops)
468
00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:49,376
MARVIN:
Skunk junk.
469
00:16:51,462 --> 00:16:55,432
For the record...
Uh-huh.
470
00:16:55,434 --> 00:16:57,384
his first word
471
00:16:57,386 --> 00:16:59,135
was "Mommy."
472
00:16:59,137 --> 00:17:00,337
Mm-hmm.
473
00:17:00,339 --> 00:17:03,189
This is my band. I started it.
474
00:17:03,191 --> 00:17:06,977
And if anyone is getting
fired here, it's you, Darren.
475
00:17:06,979 --> 00:17:08,445
So hit the bricks,
476
00:17:08,447 --> 00:17:10,196
s-skunk...
477
00:17:10,198 --> 00:17:12,032
junk.
478
00:17:12,034 --> 00:17:14,384
Is that even
a little bit intimidating?
479
00:17:14,386 --> 00:17:16,703
Nope, and the
knitting's not helping.
480
00:17:16,705 --> 00:17:19,706
I'm sorry, I just met this baby
and he needs a hat.
481
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,708
What... (stammers)
You can't fire Darren.
482
00:17:21,710 --> 00:17:24,711
He gets how hilarious
and adorable I am.
483
00:17:24,713 --> 00:17:27,080
Plus it is so inspiring
484
00:17:27,082 --> 00:17:30,834
how he overcame his mother
being eaten by a barracuda.
485
00:17:30,836 --> 00:17:32,886
Gah! It's Finding Nemo.
486
00:17:32,888 --> 00:17:34,187
(sighs)
487
00:17:34,189 --> 00:17:35,472
That's new.
488
00:17:36,557 --> 00:17:39,392
There's no defeating the devil.
489
00:17:39,394 --> 00:17:41,461
New plan.
Linus, if at any point
490
00:17:41,463 --> 00:17:43,463
tonight you see me
with an empty glass...
491
00:17:43,465 --> 00:17:44,630
Kennedy package.
492
00:17:44,632 --> 00:17:46,349
It's a very popular
choice this weekend.
493
00:17:46,351 --> 00:17:48,234
Thank you, Linus.
494
00:17:48,236 --> 00:17:50,470
(grunting)
Yup.
495
00:17:51,522 --> 00:17:54,240
Uh, Lily?
496
00:17:54,242 --> 00:17:56,309
Lily.
497
00:17:56,311 --> 00:17:57,911
MARSHALL:
Lily.
498
00:18:10,141 --> 00:18:12,008
Pause?
499
00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:14,344
Pause.
500
00:18:17,048 --> 00:18:19,265
Hi.
501
00:18:24,138 --> 00:18:25,505
Thank you, Linus.
502
00:18:25,507 --> 00:18:27,390
Mm-hmm.
503
00:18:27,392 --> 00:18:30,009
There are real villains
in this world.
504
00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:33,947
But they don't always get
real justice, do they?
505
00:18:33,949 --> 00:18:36,583
You want to believe
karma's gonna get them.
506
00:18:36,585 --> 00:18:38,017
All right, who wants a drink?
507
00:18:38,019 --> 00:18:39,069
I'm stealing.
508
00:18:39,071 --> 00:18:41,020
(all cheer)
509
00:18:41,022 --> 00:18:43,623
But karma doesn't
510
00:18:43,625 --> 00:18:45,208
always come through.
511
00:18:45,210 --> 00:18:47,077
I love how strong
your marriage is.
512
00:18:47,079 --> 00:18:48,578
And you don't need
to lose weight, Louise,
513
00:18:48,580 --> 00:18:50,196
no matter what he told me.
514
00:18:50,198 --> 00:18:52,298
Catch you on the flip-flop,
muchachos.
515
00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,167
Oh!
(groans)
516
00:18:54,169 --> 00:18:55,335
(short laugh)
517
00:18:55,337 --> 00:18:57,170
Sorry, mi amigos.
518
00:18:57,172 --> 00:19:00,540
I guess you have to accept
that sometimes in life...
519
00:19:01,759 --> 00:19:04,010
...you just don't get that
knockout punch.
520
00:19:04,012 --> 00:19:05,044
(loud punch)
521
00:19:05,046 --> 00:19:07,931
(loud grunt)
522
00:19:10,684 --> 00:19:12,435
(all laughing)
523
00:19:12,437 --> 00:19:13,886
Hey, can I get some ice?
524
00:19:13,888 --> 00:19:16,573
The best man just punched me
in the face for no reason.
525
00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:17,557
(laughs)
526
00:19:17,559 --> 00:19:19,526
Oh, what, that's funny to you?
527
00:19:19,528 --> 00:19:20,726
You know what? I quit.
528
00:19:20,728 --> 00:19:22,545
You can have
your stupid band back.
529
00:19:22,547 --> 00:19:26,616
I miss being in a band where
people are decent to each other
530
00:19:26,618 --> 00:19:28,168
and there's no drama.
531
00:19:28,170 --> 00:19:30,420
I'm going back
to the new Guns N' Roses.
532
00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,740
Linus, whoever that best man is,
533
00:19:34,742 --> 00:19:38,011
I would like to buy him a double
of your finest scotch.
534
00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:40,580
♪ You started a band
535
00:19:40,582 --> 00:19:43,583
♪ That was cool for a while
536
00:19:43,585 --> 00:19:46,069
♪ But it turned pretty bland
537
00:19:46,071 --> 00:19:49,522
♪ I started a fight
538
00:19:49,524 --> 00:19:51,774
♪ With a neighbor next door
539
00:19:51,776 --> 00:19:54,444
♪ And his pesky wife...
540
00:19:54,446 --> 00:19:56,146
Here you go.
541
00:19:56,148 --> 00:19:58,097
Is this from one of you guys?
542
00:19:58,099 --> 00:19:59,782
Nah.
Uh-uh. No.
543
00:19:59,784 --> 00:20:01,451
Okay.
544
00:20:01,453 --> 00:20:03,369
♪ And hate even more
when you're not ♪
545
00:20:03,371 --> 00:20:04,787
Well... this is incredible.
546
00:20:04,789 --> 00:20:05,771
What is this?
547
00:20:05,773 --> 00:20:07,940
It's the Glen McKenna 35-year.
548
00:20:07,942 --> 00:20:09,909
Wait a minute.
549
00:20:09,911 --> 00:20:12,278
This whole time, you had
Glen McKenna 35-year?
550
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,713
Why didn't you say something?
551
00:20:13,715 --> 00:20:15,448
You didn't ask about the 35.
552
00:20:15,450 --> 00:20:17,782
NARRATOR: And, kids,that's the first drink
553
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,116
your mother ever bought me.
554
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:24,118
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
555
00:20:24,905 --> 00:20:28,482
Hey, Barney, I'm so sorry
I missed your rehearsal dinner.
556
00:20:28,858 --> 00:20:30,424
Oh, that's okay.
557
00:20:30,426 --> 00:20:33,861
We didn't even know
you weren't here, jerk.
558
00:20:33,863 --> 00:20:35,780
Listen, I know that I can't
make up for being late,
559
00:20:35,782 --> 00:20:37,732
but I did get you
a-a special gift.
560
00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:39,651
Well, hand it over, fathead.
561
00:20:39,653 --> 00:20:41,703
Well, you might want to wait
until after the wedding photos.
562
00:20:41,705 --> 00:20:44,322
Hand it over now, travel breath.
563
00:20:44,324 --> 00:20:46,574
Okay, Barney, I'll hand it over.
564
00:20:47,442 --> 00:20:48,793
Oh, God, it's the fourth slap!
565
00:20:48,795 --> 00:20:50,411
I don't know why
I was so obnoxious.
39528
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