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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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NARRATOR: Two days before Barneyand Robin's wedding,
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00:00:02,557 --> 00:00:04,123
their reverend passed away,
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00:00:04,125 --> 00:00:06,159
and the search was onfor a replacement.
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(phone rings)
BARNEY: Oh, boy, it's the creepy,
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bug-eyed minister
from that culty church
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00:00:10,965 --> 00:00:13,433
who kept asking us
if we're "pure enough to die."
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He's our best lead.
I should get this.
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James, unless
you have a minister,
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I don't want to hear it.
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You mean, like this one?
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NARRATOR:
A few years back,
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Barney's brother James finallymet his long-lost father, Sam,
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who turned outto be a reverend.
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I know pronounce
your asses saved.
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Whoa!
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NARRATOR: Reverend Gibbs wouldn't bethe only VIP arrival that day.
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00:00:37,442 --> 00:00:38,925
BARNEY:
Dad!
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00:00:38,927 --> 00:00:41,845
Barney. Oh, I can't believe
you're getting married.
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You've grown up so fast.
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00:00:44,099 --> 00:00:48,334
Then again, I did miss
about 30 years of your life.
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Did I mention we got you
two things from your registry?
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00:00:50,772 --> 00:00:53,439
Hey, can we buy you guys
a drink in a bit?
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00:00:53,441 --> 00:00:54,774
Sure. We'll meet you
at the bar.
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00:00:54,776 --> 00:00:56,059
Yeah. (laughs)
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Here.
All right.
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00:00:57,395 --> 00:00:58,561
Hey.
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00:00:58,563 --> 00:01:00,463
Oh. Whoa. Look.
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My dad hasn't seen
my mom in years,
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not since he bailed on her.
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Oh, man, take it from a
fellow child of divorce,
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this could
get real messy.
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Loretta, good to see you.
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00:01:09,541 --> 00:01:11,741
You, too, Jerry.
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(gasps)
Wow.
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00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:16,963
Yeah. Thank
God, no drama.
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They're in love!
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My mom and dad are getting
back together again!
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Uh-oh.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x10 ♪
Mom and Dad
Original Air Date on November 18, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Hey, quick favor.
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I want to give this
to Robin.
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Gretzky's her hero.
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00:01:42,969 --> 00:01:44,969
She says his name sometimes
in bed. I've accepted it.
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00:01:44,971 --> 00:01:47,254
Can you, uh, hide it for me
till the rehearsal dinner?
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00:01:47,256 --> 00:01:48,856
The best man is on it.
47
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:51,091
Great. Now I'm gonna go get
my mom and dad back together.
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00:01:51,093 --> 00:01:52,477
They're totally in love.
I know. It's amazing.
49
00:01:52,479 --> 00:01:53,594
I'm walking on air.
50
00:01:53,596 --> 00:01:55,813
My family's gonna be
whole again!
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00:01:56,765 --> 00:01:58,816
Should we stop him or something?
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The best man is staying
on the Gretzky thing.
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00:02:02,654 --> 00:02:06,157
♪ Well, I would walk
500 miles and ♪
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00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:09,410
♪ I would walk 500 more
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00:02:09,412 --> 00:02:14,632
♪ Just to be the man
who walked a thousand miles ♪
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00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:18,619
♪ Then falls down
at your door. ♪
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00:02:18,621 --> 00:02:19,971
Ha!
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00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,172
You're right.
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That crap grows on you.
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Again?
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Proclaim it!
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(intro to song starts)
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Hey. So there I am,
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lying in the wet, filthy sand
under the patio,
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just minding my own business,
when my dad bumps into my mom,
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00:02:34,187 --> 00:02:35,937
and he says-- get this--
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00:02:35,939 --> 00:02:38,773
he says to her,
"Weather's improving, huh?"
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00:02:38,775 --> 00:02:40,358
(giggling)
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00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:44,078
It's like, why don't you
just do it already? Huh?
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00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:46,747
Barney, I know you've always
dreamed of a reunited family,
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but... Jerry's married.
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00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:51,335
So what? Marriage is just
a meaningless piece of paper.
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00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:52,486
I'm a lucky gal.
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00:02:52,488 --> 00:02:53,788
Sweetie, this just
isn't gonna happen.
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00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:55,990
Now, please promise me
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00:02:55,992 --> 00:02:58,158
you haven't already put
some crazy scheme in motion.
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00:03:00,546 --> 00:03:03,497
I haven't put
some crazy scheme in motion.
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00:03:03,499 --> 00:03:05,833
Why did you pause?
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00:03:08,704 --> 00:03:10,137
I didn't pause.
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Why did you pause?!
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00:03:19,731 --> 00:03:22,200
Ah. Hey, there.
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Hi.
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00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:25,853
Barney texted me
to meet him ASAP,
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but the stairs
are wet.
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00:03:27,189 --> 00:03:28,355
No, broken.
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00:03:28,357 --> 00:03:29,991
Yeah, the stairs
are broken.
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00:03:29,993 --> 00:03:32,660
Yeah. I got the same text.
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(elevator thumps, stops)
Oh.
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Barney, Jerry has a wife.
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00:03:38,199 --> 00:03:40,218
Oh, God, what did you do
to the wife?
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So, my husband
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snuck off to go parasailing,
and he wants me to join him?
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Yes.
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00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,596
Who is ready to rock it
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Scottish-identical-
twin-brothers style?
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♪ When I wake up
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(Scottish accent):
♪ Yeah, I know I'm gonna be ♪
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00:03:59,856 --> 00:04:02,823
♪ I'm gonna be the man
who ends up next to you... ♪
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00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:05,743
Oh, man, I hope they're not
singing to the same girl.
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00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,695
Or to each other.
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00:04:07,697 --> 00:04:10,114
Shut up! Music sucks!
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00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:12,566
Scotland sucks! You suck!
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Just drive, pumpkin head.
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BARNEY:
Hey, guys, don't worry.
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Help's on the way.
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Oh! Thank you, Barney.
Thank you, honey.
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00:04:20,543 --> 00:04:21,842
In the meantime,
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00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,911
I'll try to keep you two
as comfortable as possible.
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00:04:23,913 --> 00:04:25,846
(R&B music playing)
♪ I said, bang...
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00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,598
Well, we don't need wine.
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♪ Bang
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♪ Bangity bang...
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We don't need champagne,
either. We need help!
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This could be very unsafe!
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00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:38,859
Oh.
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00:04:38,861 --> 00:04:40,861
I'll say something.
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00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:43,271
No. You've had a whole
lifetime of this. Let me.
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Oh.
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Barney, are you thinking
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you can get your mother
and me back together?
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Because I'm married.
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00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,622
My wife is right upstairs!
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00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,657
No, she's not.
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00:04:52,659 --> 00:04:54,274
What's that?
Nothing!
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00:04:54,276 --> 00:04:55,710
I'm just trying
to keep you refreshed
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00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:59,213
through this unexpected and
flukish elevator malfunction!
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00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:02,616
Here's some water!
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00:05:02,618 --> 00:05:04,802
Ah... drat.
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00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,304
Clumsy hands much, Barney?
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00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,422
Just disrobe
and send up those wet clothes.
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00:05:08,424 --> 00:05:11,125
You'll be cold, so I'll send
down strawberry warming gel
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and some cozy, zippered masks.
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(sighs):
Ooh.
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00:05:16,065 --> 00:05:18,482
(gasps)
My calligraphy ink!
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00:05:19,818 --> 00:05:21,468
I mean, the Gretzky photo!
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00:05:23,171 --> 00:05:25,606
Some bastard
snuck into my room
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00:05:25,608 --> 00:05:27,525
and spilled ink
all over the Gretzky photo
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I was holding for Barney.
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00:05:28,911 --> 00:05:30,578
Detective Mosby is on the case.
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Oh, God, that's horrible.
I know.
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00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:34,148
It was a gift for Robin.
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00:05:34,150 --> 00:05:35,783
No, I mean,
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00:05:35,785 --> 00:05:38,669
"Oh, God, that's horrible.
Detective Mosby's the worst."
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00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,154
Mm, Detective Mosby is
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00:05:40,156 --> 00:05:41,872
the case-crackingest
private dick on the scene.
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00:05:41,874 --> 00:05:44,375
Really? Like that case
from eight years ago
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00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,093
you still haven't cracked?
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00:05:46,095 --> 00:05:47,795
I'm callin' it.
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00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:52,500
Damn it!
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00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:54,385
My greatest failure.
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00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:56,020
I will solve this case.
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00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,521
Now, there were
three people nearby
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00:05:57,523 --> 00:05:59,190
when Barney gave me
that head shot:
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00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:02,610
Karate Kid bad boy Billy Zabka,
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00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:06,013
a shifty-eyed bellhop,
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00:06:06,015 --> 00:06:08,348
and Robin's cousin Claudefrom Quebec
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00:06:08,350 --> 00:06:10,317
with the neck trouble.
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00:06:10,319 --> 00:06:13,687
Right, 'cause an elaborate
conspiracy is much more likely
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00:06:13,689 --> 00:06:17,041
than you leaving the photo
next to an open ink bottle.
160
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:20,194
Thank you!
You can't even detect sarcasm!
161
00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,463
Why don't you just
try to fix the photo?
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00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:23,714
Don't you have ink remover?
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00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:24,999
Of course I have ink remover.
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00:06:25,001 --> 00:06:26,867
I'm not one of those sloppy,
punk calligraphers
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who's in it
for glory over craft.
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00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,304
No, we got to solve this!
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00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,839
Now, the question is,
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which of those three suspects
had the most cause to frame me?
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00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:39,213
The one that I replacedas Barney's best man?
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00:06:39,215 --> 00:06:41,899
I'm coming for you, Mosby.
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00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,934
Billy Zabka!
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00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:46,720
Okay, real quick,
I need fresh-cut
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00:06:46,722 --> 00:06:49,240
English lavender, a copy of
Shakespeare's 18th sonnet,
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00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,826
and enough Nutella
to cover a 60-year-old woman.
175
00:06:53,011 --> 00:06:55,029
Oh, great. You guys escaped.
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00:06:55,031 --> 00:06:56,363
Got rescued!
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00:06:56,365 --> 00:06:57,698
Are you okay?
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00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,033
A bit shaken up.
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00:06:59,035 --> 00:07:00,901
Being trapped
in an elevator is scary.
180
00:07:00,903 --> 00:07:02,837
No, Barney lowered in a TV
181
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:06,257
showing some pretty
graphic 1970s pornography.
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00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,459
Still, a lot
of familiar faces in there.
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00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:09,927
Well, not just faces.
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00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,129
I'm gonna go
find my wife.
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00:07:13,381 --> 00:07:16,250
(sighs)
Nice job, bro.
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00:07:16,252 --> 00:07:18,919
Mom was just about
to get some action
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00:07:18,921 --> 00:07:20,554
for the first time
since she conceived me.
188
00:07:20,556 --> 00:07:21,922
Barney, this has to stop.
189
00:07:21,924 --> 00:07:23,107
You're being delusional.
190
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,325
Mom is not getting back
together with Jerry.
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00:07:24,350 --> 00:07:25,260
(sighs)
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00:07:25,261 --> 00:07:27,928
Because she's getting back
together with my daddy!
193
00:07:32,639 --> 00:07:34,913
I see what you're doing.
194
00:07:34,914 --> 00:07:37,064
You didn't bring your dad here
to marry us.
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00:07:37,066 --> 00:07:39,116
You want him to get back
together with Mom!
196
00:07:39,118 --> 00:07:41,519
Which is completely insane,
by the way.
197
00:07:41,521 --> 00:07:43,988
Um, my dad's single,
Mom's single.
198
00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:45,956
Your dad's happily married
with two kids.
199
00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:47,291
Which one makes more sense?
200
00:07:47,293 --> 00:07:48,859
I agree. It's a tie.
201
00:07:48,861 --> 00:07:50,044
What do we do?
202
00:07:50,046 --> 00:07:51,178
You back down
203
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:52,763
and let me get my mom
and dad back together?
204
00:07:52,765 --> 00:07:54,265
Um, how about you back down
205
00:07:54,267 --> 00:07:56,384
and let me get my mom and dad
back together?
206
00:07:56,386 --> 00:07:58,519
(scoffs)
I can already picture it.
207
00:07:58,521 --> 00:08:00,688
(peppy music plays)
208
00:08:00,690 --> 00:08:04,275
♪ We're reunited
and we're going so strong ♪
209
00:08:04,277 --> 00:08:08,012
♪ My wife died parasailing
and I've moved on ♪
210
00:08:08,014 --> 00:08:11,232
♪ And now our Barney-boy
will always be near ♪
211
00:08:11,234 --> 00:08:14,435
♪ I'll come to live with you
and it won't be weird ♪
212
00:08:14,437 --> 00:08:15,903
Of course not, Wuv-Wuv!
213
00:08:15,905 --> 00:08:18,823
♪ Back together
and forever we'll be ♪
214
00:08:18,825 --> 00:08:20,708
♪ Mom
215
00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:23,094
♪ And Dad
216
00:08:23,096 --> 00:08:25,446
♪ And Barney makes three
217
00:08:25,448 --> 00:08:26,914
We love you, champ!
218
00:08:26,916 --> 00:08:28,615
♪ And I'll live here, too,
since we're married ♪
219
00:08:28,617 --> 00:08:31,969
♪ And I'm totally cool
with it! ♪
220
00:08:31,971 --> 00:08:32,970
(scoffs)
221
00:08:32,972 --> 00:08:34,972
That's completely insane.
222
00:08:34,974 --> 00:08:36,924
This is how
it's gonna be.
223
00:08:36,926 --> 00:08:40,878
♪ We're reunited
and I'm feeling so glad ♪
224
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,597
♪ I'm so much sexier
than Barney's dad ♪
225
00:08:43,599 --> 00:08:44,932
(plays flourish)
226
00:08:44,934 --> 00:08:48,436
♪ Back together, now
our life's right on track ♪
227
00:08:48,438 --> 00:08:51,856
♪ But she's banging my dad
behind your dad's back ♪
228
00:08:51,858 --> 00:08:56,143
♪ When you're at work,
I'm all over her rack ♪
229
00:08:56,145 --> 00:08:58,095
♪ That's not true ♪
♪ Yes, it is
230
00:08:58,097 --> 00:08:59,280
♪ That's not funny ♪
231
00:08:59,282 --> 00:09:00,765
♪ Mom, break the news
232
00:09:00,767 --> 00:09:03,334
♪ Okay, we're screwin'
like bunnies ♪
233
00:09:03,336 --> 00:09:04,535
♪ I'll kick your ass ♪
234
00:09:04,537 --> 00:09:06,820
♪ I'd like to
see you try ♪
235
00:09:06,822 --> 00:09:09,840
♪ Well, my dad would win
in a fight ♪
236
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:13,327
♪ No, my dad would win
in a fight ♪
237
00:09:13,329 --> 00:09:14,345
♪ No
♪ Yeah
238
00:09:14,347 --> 00:09:15,629
♪ My dad would win
♪ Yeah
239
00:09:15,631 --> 00:09:17,765
♪ In a fight
♪ Yeah!
240
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,000
No, my dad would win in a fight!
Nuh-uh!
241
00:09:20,002 --> 00:09:22,169
Uh-huh!
Don't fight!
242
00:09:22,171 --> 00:09:24,004
I'm marrying into this family.
BARNEY: Stop.
243
00:09:24,006 --> 00:09:25,856
You stupid!
I won't stop.
244
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,977
Where the heck is
this parasailing place?
245
00:09:29,979 --> 00:09:31,195
(laughs)
You know what?
246
00:09:31,197 --> 00:09:32,863
I'm gonna...
I'm gonna call Jerry.
247
00:09:32,865 --> 00:09:34,198
(beep)
248
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,366
Oh, that's weird.
249
00:09:35,368 --> 00:09:37,201
I just lost cell reception.
250
00:09:37,203 --> 00:09:39,036
Yes.
251
00:09:39,038 --> 00:09:41,622
Weird.
252
00:09:42,908 --> 00:09:46,327
Lot of pretty paintings
in this hotel.
253
00:09:46,329 --> 00:09:48,462
I like how
they've been... framed.
254
00:09:48,464 --> 00:09:51,081
I've noticed
the vintage, antique,
255
00:09:51,083 --> 00:09:52,633
gilded Victorian frames, too.
256
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:55,719
I'm not blind...
but what are you getting at?
257
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,354
You know damn well
what I'm getting at!
258
00:09:57,356 --> 00:09:59,223
You're jealous I got
the Best Mansmanship back,
259
00:09:59,225 --> 00:10:01,542
so you destroyed that photo aspart of some diabolical scheme
260
00:10:01,544 --> 00:10:03,427
to make me look bad.
261
00:10:03,429 --> 00:10:05,346
I bet you even found some otherphoto of Wayne Gretzky
262
00:10:05,348 --> 00:10:06,514
so you could swoop in
and save the day.
263
00:10:06,516 --> 00:10:07,848
You're insane.
Am I?
264
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:08,983
Yeah. Yeah.
Am I?
265
00:10:08,985 --> 00:10:11,735
Where were you today
at 3:15 p.m.?
266
00:10:11,737 --> 00:10:13,904
Right here
getting a massage.
267
00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:16,190
Rocked a 60-minute
deep tish.
268
00:10:16,192 --> 00:10:18,108
Now if you'll excuse
me, Detective,
269
00:10:18,110 --> 00:10:20,227
I think I'll go
have some pineapple.
270
00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:22,746
How do you know about that?
271
00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:25,032
Everybody knows about that!
272
00:10:25,951 --> 00:10:28,169
Excuse me?
Mm?
273
00:10:28,171 --> 00:10:29,920
You destroyed that photo,
didn't you?
274
00:10:29,922 --> 00:10:31,071
No, I didn't.
275
00:10:31,073 --> 00:10:32,406
Admit it! I complained about you
276
00:10:32,408 --> 00:10:34,875
to the bell captain,
so you got your revenge.
277
00:10:34,877 --> 00:10:36,544
You complained about me?
278
00:10:37,362 --> 00:10:40,047
No.
279
00:10:42,133 --> 00:10:44,101
So, Claude...
280
00:10:44,103 --> 00:10:46,387
I see that you're
a Montreal Canadiens fan.
281
00:10:46,389 --> 00:10:49,390
Which means you hate
the Edmonton Oilers,
282
00:10:49,392 --> 00:10:51,559
which is why you destroyed
the Wayne Gretzky head shot!
283
00:10:51,561 --> 00:10:52,643
J'accuse!
284
00:10:52,645 --> 00:10:54,428
C'est ridicule!
285
00:10:54,430 --> 00:10:55,980
If it's so ridicule,
286
00:10:55,982 --> 00:10:58,983
how do you explain this?
287
00:10:58,985 --> 00:11:00,818
Ah, seems
like I've caught you...
288
00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:03,437
midnight blue-handed.
289
00:11:03,439 --> 00:11:04,955
Oh, these.
Yeah.
290
00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,575
I-I was out by the water when...
291
00:11:07,577 --> 00:11:11,212
an elderly R-Rastafarian
hang glider...
292
00:11:11,214 --> 00:11:13,664
he-he crash
onto a beached squid,
293
00:11:13,666 --> 00:11:17,751
which squirted ink
when I ran in to help.
294
00:11:17,753 --> 00:11:19,786
You really expect me
to believe that?
295
00:11:19,788 --> 00:11:22,790
Story checks out.
296
00:11:22,792 --> 00:11:24,725
Sorry, Claude.
297
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:27,261
De rien.
298
00:11:27,263 --> 00:11:29,013
I don't get it.
299
00:11:29,015 --> 00:11:29,980
We were bonding.
300
00:11:30,932 --> 00:11:34,435
I can't think of
anything I did wrong!
301
00:11:34,437 --> 00:11:36,303
Okay, I did a few things wrong.
302
00:11:36,305 --> 00:11:37,688
For the last time,
303
00:11:37,690 --> 00:11:41,808
I did not leave the bag of
oranges you bought on the roof!
304
00:11:44,145 --> 00:11:46,780
No more breaking the
speed limit. And, uh,
305
00:11:46,782 --> 00:11:50,367
thanks for flagging me down and
telling me she was going 67.
306
00:11:50,369 --> 00:11:52,202
Just following the rules,
Officer.
307
00:11:52,204 --> 00:11:55,489
Oh. She's also not
wearing her seat belt.
308
00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,010
You are not allowed
to use that word!
309
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:02,263
Only we're allowed
to use that word!
310
00:12:02,265 --> 00:12:04,632
I am so sorry.
311
00:12:04,634 --> 00:12:05,516
I will never
312
00:12:05,518 --> 00:12:08,135
call you or anyone else a...
313
00:12:08,137 --> 00:12:10,054
Trekkie again.
314
00:12:10,056 --> 00:12:12,556
But I apologized
and you accepted.
315
00:12:12,558 --> 00:12:14,858
I even bought you more oranges.
316
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:22,349
Look, it wasn't you, okay?
317
00:12:22,351 --> 00:12:25,719
Baby, I know your speech
at the Model U.N. is a big deal,
318
00:12:25,721 --> 00:12:28,205
but I'm just not sure
I'll make it in time.
319
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,623
I'm trying.
320
00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:30,824
You know what?
321
00:12:30,826 --> 00:12:32,543
Don't bother coming.
322
00:12:36,331 --> 00:12:38,499
So, back at the airport,
that story was true?
323
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:39,533
You have a daughter?
324
00:12:39,535 --> 00:12:41,251
She lives with her dad.
325
00:12:41,253 --> 00:12:44,705
And since I travel for work,
I miss a lot of stuff.
326
00:12:45,757 --> 00:12:49,009
I only work as hard as I do
to provide for her.
327
00:12:49,011 --> 00:12:52,346
But kids,
they don't understand logic.
328
00:12:52,348 --> 00:12:54,815
Kids understand who shows up.
329
00:12:54,817 --> 00:12:56,183
That's why
330
00:12:56,185 --> 00:12:57,818
her dad's her hero...
331
00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:01,572
and I get hung up on.
332
00:13:01,574 --> 00:13:03,073
Go see your daughter's speech.
333
00:13:03,075 --> 00:13:05,159
If you show up,
all will be forgiven.
334
00:13:05,161 --> 00:13:06,410
Just drop it.
335
00:13:07,028 --> 00:13:08,362
And drop me at home.
336
00:13:08,364 --> 00:13:09,947
Then head out to your wedding.
337
00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:11,582
End of discussion.
338
00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:15,252
Barney,
even if your plan worked,
339
00:13:15,254 --> 00:13:16,920
you'd be destroying
your dad's marriage.
340
00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:19,072
Okay, you may have a point.
341
00:13:19,074 --> 00:13:20,207
Can I suggest something?
342
00:13:20,209 --> 00:13:20,907
(sighs)
343
00:13:20,909 --> 00:13:21,925
Truce?
344
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,910
We both agree to drop this.
345
00:13:23,912 --> 00:13:25,912
Agreed.
346
00:13:25,914 --> 00:13:27,364
Hey, I got a replacement bottle
347
00:13:27,366 --> 00:13:30,184
of 30-year Glen McKenna.
Okay.
348
00:13:30,186 --> 00:13:32,553
Look, even if Mom
never gets back together
349
00:13:32,555 --> 00:13:35,305
with either one of our dads,
we're still brothers.
350
00:13:35,307 --> 00:13:37,274
It's not a competition.
351
00:13:37,276 --> 00:13:39,560
(chuckles)
352
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,113
I win!
353
00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:45,282
Hoo-hoo!
354
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,657
Get your damn
hands off my mom!
355
00:13:49,658 --> 00:13:51,375
Get your damn hands
on my mom!
356
00:13:51,377 --> 00:13:52,709
One on, one off?
357
00:13:52,711 --> 00:13:54,845
What the hell is
going on here?
358
00:13:54,847 --> 00:13:56,980
After you boys tracked Sam down
a few years back,
359
00:13:56,982 --> 00:13:58,949
we got in touch.
We became friends again,
360
00:13:58,951 --> 00:14:00,984
started hanging out.
And then one day,
361
00:14:00,986 --> 00:14:03,420
she went from being
Loretta to being...
362
00:14:03,422 --> 00:14:05,555
Lo-ret-ta.
(chuckles)
363
00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:06,974
We wanted to wait
to tell you
364
00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,191
because it's still new,
365
00:14:08,193 --> 00:14:10,060
but it was inevitable
you'd find out
366
00:14:10,062 --> 00:14:12,396
once Sam came
to perform the ceremony.
367
00:14:12,398 --> 00:14:13,847
Is that what you
two call it?
368
00:14:13,849 --> 00:14:16,233
"Performing
the ceremony"?
369
00:14:16,235 --> 00:14:17,484
Oh, Sam's marrying you
tomorrow, dear.
370
00:14:17,486 --> 00:14:20,020
Right. Thank you, Reverend.
Look,
371
00:14:20,022 --> 00:14:22,539
is there any way you guys
can be all right with this?
372
00:14:22,541 --> 00:14:24,741
Of course I am!
(clears throat)
373
00:14:24,743 --> 00:14:27,377
Barney?
374
00:14:27,379 --> 00:14:30,330
I know I've been acting crazy
today, but...
375
00:14:30,332 --> 00:14:32,549
I just have
one real question, Mom,
376
00:14:32,551 --> 00:14:34,367
and I want an honest answer.
377
00:14:35,136 --> 00:14:36,136
Is there a scenario--
378
00:14:36,138 --> 00:14:37,170
and hear me out--
379
00:14:37,172 --> 00:14:39,339
where you might consider
380
00:14:39,341 --> 00:14:41,875
doing kind of a three-way deal
with both of our dads?
381
00:14:41,877 --> 00:14:44,061
God! What is wrong with you?!
Oh, dude, come on!
382
00:14:44,063 --> 00:14:46,313
(sobs)
That's what I thought!
383
00:14:48,766 --> 00:14:51,018
It's time to
admit it, Ted.
384
00:14:51,020 --> 00:14:53,654
You spilled the ink.
There's no conspiracy.
385
00:14:53,656 --> 00:14:55,022
I guess you're right.
386
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:56,440
I mean, the only other person
387
00:14:56,442 --> 00:14:58,742
who saw Barney give me
that photo...
388
00:14:58,744 --> 00:14:59,993
was you.
389
00:14:59,995 --> 00:15:01,745
(dramatic sting)
390
00:15:01,747 --> 00:15:03,063
Hey. Idiot.
391
00:15:03,065 --> 00:15:04,731
While you've been
392
00:15:04,733 --> 00:15:07,117
playing detective,
I've been cleaning up your mess.
393
00:15:07,119 --> 00:15:10,236
Look, the ink remover works.
394
00:15:10,238 --> 00:15:11,004
I'm gonna
finish this.
395
00:15:11,006 --> 00:15:13,090
You come clean to Barney.
396
00:15:13,092 --> 00:15:14,574
(sighs):
Okay.
397
00:15:14,576 --> 00:15:16,626
She's been
missing all day,
398
00:15:16,628 --> 00:15:20,881
a-and I found what appears to be
a-a suicide note on my bed.
399
00:15:20,883 --> 00:15:23,350
But it doesn't
really sound like her.
400
00:15:23,352 --> 00:15:27,854
"I'm going to kill my--
wait for it-- self."
401
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,274
Is everything okay
with Mr. Zabka?
402
00:15:31,276 --> 00:15:35,261
Wait. W-Wait. Why do you think
that's Billy Zabka?
403
00:15:35,263 --> 00:15:37,614
(The Beastie Boys'
"Sabotage" begins)
404
00:15:37,616 --> 00:15:39,766
WOMAN:
See?
405
00:15:39,768 --> 00:15:41,735
The man from the
lobby got this massage.
406
00:15:41,737 --> 00:15:43,820
A younger gentleman bought it
for him as a gift.
407
00:15:43,822 --> 00:15:45,238
He even signed his name for him.
408
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:46,439
Right here.
409
00:15:59,453 --> 00:16:01,304
I'm telling all y'all...
410
00:16:01,306 --> 00:16:03,006
it's Zabka-tage.
411
00:16:03,008 --> 00:16:05,458
♪ I can't stand it,
I know you planned it ♪
412
00:16:05,460 --> 00:16:08,512
♪ I'm gonna set it straight,
this Watergate ♪
413
00:16:08,514 --> 00:16:10,296
♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ♪
414
00:16:10,298 --> 00:16:12,632
♪ 'Cause your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ♪
415
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:16,302
♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why ♪
416
00:16:16,304 --> 00:16:19,756
♪ I got this ... thorn
in my side ♪
417
00:16:19,758 --> 00:16:21,291
(shouts)
418
00:16:21,293 --> 00:16:23,326
NARRATOR: Lily's second tackleof the weekend.
419
00:16:23,328 --> 00:16:26,947
♪ Sabotage.
420
00:16:26,949 --> 00:16:28,915
Wakey, wakey.
421
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:34,237
DAPHNE:
Wait, this isn't...
422
00:16:34,239 --> 00:16:35,589
It's your
daughter's school.
423
00:16:35,591 --> 00:16:37,174
You need to go in.
424
00:16:37,176 --> 00:16:39,159
She asked me not to come,
Marshall.
425
00:16:39,161 --> 00:16:41,545
This doesn't make any sense.
426
00:16:41,547 --> 00:16:43,346
Kids don't understand logic.
427
00:16:43,348 --> 00:16:46,550
Kids understand who shows up.
428
00:17:05,536 --> 00:17:08,622
People say
children are the future.
429
00:17:08,624 --> 00:17:10,190
I say...
430
00:17:10,192 --> 00:17:11,658
oil is the future!
431
00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:14,044
Don't listen to these
gutless environmental sissies!
432
00:17:14,046 --> 00:17:15,862
That's my baby.
Drill in the oceans!
433
00:17:15,864 --> 00:17:17,497
Thank you.
Drill in the wetlands!
434
00:17:17,499 --> 00:17:19,299
Pumpkin head.
Drill in the national parks!
435
00:17:19,301 --> 00:17:20,533
You're welcome.
436
00:17:20,535 --> 00:17:22,135
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
437
00:17:22,137 --> 00:17:24,204
AUDIENCE (chanting): Drill, baby, drill!
We should go.
438
00:17:24,206 --> 00:17:26,506
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
439
00:17:26,508 --> 00:17:29,843
Drill, baby, drill!
Drill, baby, drill!
440
00:17:29,845 --> 00:17:31,344
Drill, baby, drill!
441
00:17:31,346 --> 00:17:32,979
You said it was nuts
442
00:17:32,981 --> 00:17:35,215
to think that my mom and dad
would get back together.
443
00:17:35,217 --> 00:17:36,716
But that's what happened
for James.
444
00:17:36,718 --> 00:17:39,069
I've been dreaming of that
since I was five.
445
00:17:39,071 --> 00:17:42,055
Well, that and my own
operational Death Star.
446
00:17:42,057 --> 00:17:44,357
But mostly them
getting back together.
447
00:17:44,359 --> 00:17:46,359
Why does James get it
and I don't?
448
00:17:46,361 --> 00:17:47,444
Well, think about it.
449
00:17:47,446 --> 00:17:49,996
You have me,
your dad has Cheryl...
450
00:17:49,998 --> 00:17:51,081
"So to summarize:
451
00:17:51,083 --> 00:17:52,165
"I'm super dead,
452
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:54,668
"you should totally bone
Loretta,
453
00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:55,418
"and I never
454
00:17:55,420 --> 00:17:57,254
loved you, Cheryl,"
455
00:17:57,256 --> 00:17:59,923
which is misspelled.
456
00:17:59,925 --> 00:18:01,842
...but James is going
through a divorce.
457
00:18:01,844 --> 00:18:03,743
He just lost his family.
458
00:18:03,745 --> 00:18:06,796
I-I know you've been
dreaming of this, but...
459
00:18:06,798 --> 00:18:09,432
maybe he needs "Mom
and Dad" more than you.
460
00:18:10,751 --> 00:18:14,554
So, Billy, did you really think
you could get away with it?
461
00:18:14,556 --> 00:18:15,605
Actually, I did.
462
00:18:15,607 --> 00:18:16,473
Ah.
I was gonna
463
00:18:16,475 --> 00:18:17,757
give this to Barney
464
00:18:17,759 --> 00:18:18,859
and say I'd driven an hour away
465
00:18:18,861 --> 00:18:20,977
to get a replacement
from an autograph dealer.
466
00:18:20,979 --> 00:18:22,879
First, I needed an alibi.
467
00:18:22,881 --> 00:18:24,781
So I got Barney's dad a massage
468
00:18:24,783 --> 00:18:27,067
but signed in my name.
469
00:18:27,069 --> 00:18:30,436
Then I switched the Gretzkyhead shot with one of myself.
470
00:18:30,438 --> 00:18:33,206
I always travel with 2,000of those handsome devils
471
00:18:33,208 --> 00:18:35,408
in the trunk of my car.
472
00:18:36,827 --> 00:18:39,746
I have so many questions
for you, but first...
473
00:18:39,748 --> 00:18:43,166
you keep 2,000 head shots
of yourself in your trunk?
474
00:18:43,168 --> 00:18:44,968
No one ever wants them!
They only want
475
00:18:44,970 --> 00:18:47,170
the "good guy's" autograph!
476
00:18:47,172 --> 00:18:49,806
In the '80s, I was the bad guy
in every movie.
477
00:18:49,808 --> 00:18:52,425
Do you know what my life
has been like?
478
00:18:52,427 --> 00:18:55,812
Every premiere,when I came on-screen...
479
00:18:55,814 --> 00:18:56,980
(crowd booing)
480
00:18:56,982 --> 00:18:58,565
I wasn't a bad guyin real life,
481
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,400
just a kick-ass actor.
482
00:19:00,402 --> 00:19:01,818
No one got that.
483
00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:03,970
It happened everywhere I went.
484
00:19:03,972 --> 00:19:06,606
(crowd booing) Somehow,people always had popcorn.
485
00:19:06,608 --> 00:19:10,577
25 years of gettingcrane-kicked in the nuts,
486
00:19:10,579 --> 00:19:14,447
until Barney Stinson gave methe best moment of my life.
487
00:19:14,449 --> 00:19:17,083
Hey. Hey, some issues
just came up with Ted, so...
488
00:19:17,085 --> 00:19:18,335
will you be my best man?
489
00:19:18,337 --> 00:19:19,703
Sure.
Thanks.
490
00:19:22,623 --> 00:19:24,791
WOMAN: Hello?
Mom?
491
00:19:24,793 --> 00:19:26,760
(booing)
No, no, listen, listen.
492
00:19:26,762 --> 00:19:29,012
I just became
somebody's best man.
493
00:19:29,014 --> 00:19:32,665
(gasps) You can come
to Thanksgiving this year!
494
00:19:32,667 --> 00:19:35,001
To Barney Stinson,
I wasn't a bad guy.
495
00:19:35,003 --> 00:19:39,339
To Barney Stinson, I was
the best man.
496
00:19:39,341 --> 00:19:43,059
I thought if Ted screwed up
again, I'd have another shot.
497
00:19:44,111 --> 00:19:46,613
But I guess this time
I really was the bad guy.
498
00:19:46,615 --> 00:19:48,281
Hey, Ted,
what's so urgent?
499
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:50,867
I have something
to tell you.
500
00:19:50,869 --> 00:19:52,152
(sighs)
501
00:19:52,154 --> 00:19:54,687
I destroyed
that Gretzky head shot
502
00:19:54,689 --> 00:19:57,190
and I couldn't fix it.
Billy saved the day
503
00:19:57,192 --> 00:19:59,960
by getting a new one
from an autograph dealer nearby.
504
00:19:59,962 --> 00:20:01,127
A-An hour away.
505
00:20:01,129 --> 00:20:03,163
An hour away. Just be cool.
506
00:20:03,165 --> 00:20:05,131
Awesome. Thanks, Billy!
507
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:06,466
(chuckles)
508
00:20:06,468 --> 00:20:09,085
Ah.
509
00:20:09,087 --> 00:20:11,054
And, Ted...
510
00:20:11,056 --> 00:20:13,423
I really appreciate
that you told the truth.
511
00:20:13,425 --> 00:20:15,141
Ow...
Psych!
512
00:20:15,143 --> 00:20:16,676
Billy rules,
Ted drools,
513
00:20:16,678 --> 00:20:17,877
Stinson out.
514
00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:21,765
You're all right, Mosby.
515
00:20:21,767 --> 00:20:25,235
NARRATOR: And for an all too rare momentthat weekend,
516
00:20:25,237 --> 00:20:26,719
everything was all right.
517
00:20:26,721 --> 00:20:28,355
(elevator thumps, stops)
518
00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:30,690
(R&B music playing)
♪ Bang bang
519
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,194
♪ Bangity bang
Um, Barney?
520
00:20:34,196 --> 00:20:36,746
Is this your way
of saying you're supporting us?
521
00:20:36,748 --> 00:20:38,398
BARNEY:
Yes! Go for it.
522
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,950
♪ I said bang
Consummate your love!
523
00:20:40,952 --> 00:20:42,619
♪ Bang
Thanks, bro.
524
00:20:42,621 --> 00:20:46,456
♪ Bangity bang
But this is super weird.
525
00:20:47,458 --> 00:20:50,376
Super weird.
526
00:20:50,378 --> 00:20:51,627
♪ Bang bang.
527
00:20:53,833 --> 00:20:55,451
Are we almost there?
528
00:20:55,452 --> 00:20:56,985
Almost there.
529
00:20:58,714 --> 00:21:01,287
Give me back my wife,
you son of a bitch!
530
00:21:01,288 --> 00:21:03,339
(screaming)
531
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:08,340
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
38304
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