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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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NARRATOR: Kids, as you know,Lily and Marshall had decided
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to move to Rome afterBarney and Robin's wedding.
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We're going to Italy.
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Sì.
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But without telling Lily,
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Marshall had then accepteda judgeship in New York.
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Good luck with that...
Your Honor.
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Until his always-helpfulroad trip companion
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Daphne had selflessly (phone ringing)
come to his aid.
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You texted Lily
that I took the job?
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You're welcome.
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You were torturing yourself
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figuring out how to tell her,
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I just broke the ice for you.
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I was standing on that ice.
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Now I'm gonna be bobbing,
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facedown on a frigid creek.
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I do not need to know the nasty
way you apologize to your wife.
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And frigid? Maybe you're
just doing it wrong.
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Hi, baby.
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I can't believe you did this
behind my back.
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I know, I should
have talked to you.
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Thanks to you, we are stuck
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all weekend in the room
with a ghost in it.
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Room with a...?
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We got 13?
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The room that's haunted by
the ghost of Captain Dearduff?
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Who got the who
with the what now?
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x07 ♪
No Questions Asked
Original Air Date on October 28, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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NARRATOR: Marshall hadrecently discovered
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that the Farhampton Innwas featured
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in an episode of The GhostNetwork's original series,
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True & Real Ghost Stories
of the Supernatural.
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Ooh, there, see?
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The Farhampton Inn.
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I told you it sounded familiar.
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TV NARRATOR:
In 1843,
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the streets of Farhampton,Long Island
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were stalkedby a vicious killer
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named Captain Blazeby Dearduff.
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Dubbed "Dearduff the Hooker,"he murdered dozens
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of unwary travelerswith his sharpened hook.
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Ironically that hook
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would prove Dearduff'sown undoing
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(laughing maniacally)
one wintry night in room 13
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of the Farhampton Inn.
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(fly buzzing)
(grunting)
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(yells)
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Uh-oh.
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He was found the next morning,frozen to death.
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MAN: Boom!
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Some say you can still hearCaptain Dearduff's cries coming
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from room 13.
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Cold.
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So cold.
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Help me... help me...
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MAN:
We can see you, Ron.
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Some say you can still hearthe thump of his peg
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and the scrape of his hook.
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Others sayDearduff the Hooker was just
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a popular male prostitutewho murdered no one
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and died of syphilis in 1848.
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Let's hearfrom some people who have
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actually surviveda night in room 13.
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(thunder crashing)
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Did I see a ghost?
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Of course...
WOMAN: Yes.
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There's...
Are.
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...such thing as ghosts.
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(Dearduff laughing maniacally)
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So, have you seen the ghost?
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Not yet, but that might just be
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because ghosts
don't exist, Marshall!
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So explain the night shirt
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00:03:01,754 --> 00:03:04,672
we saw flying around our cabin
in the Poconos.
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An owl got stuck in it.
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00:03:06,976 --> 00:03:09,710
We saw it fly out the neck hole.
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Yeah, the ghost of an owl
that died in that cabin.
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Plus it's a crappy room,
but when I tried to complain...
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The thermostat in
my room is broken.
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The AC won't turn off.
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Ooh!
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Sounds like the work
of Captain Dearduff.
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He brings with him
the icy chill of death.
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00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:31,165
So... bad luck there.
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00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:33,233
Night-night.
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It sounds like you're
using Captain Dearduff
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as an excuse for a crappy room.
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I beg your pardon.
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00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:41,959
I did not get to be
a 40-year-old night clerk
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00:03:41,961 --> 00:03:43,711
by making excuses.
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00:03:43,713 --> 00:03:45,346
Now, if there is anything
wrong with your room
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that isn't ghost-related,
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I'm more than happy
to address it.
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00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:51,301
Okay, the Wi-Fi doesn't work.
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Ghosts interfere
with electronic devices.
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The shower's leaking.
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00:03:54,056 --> 00:03:55,639
Dearduff likes
the sound of dripping.
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Reminds him
of his bleeding victims.
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And the door won't lock.
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00:03:59,979 --> 00:04:01,612
Captain Dearduff
doesn't want to...
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00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:03,280
you know,
be locked out of his room.
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00:04:03,282 --> 00:04:05,149
Why would a locked door
keep a ghost out?
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00:04:05,151 --> 00:04:07,601
Can't he just walk
through walls?
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00:04:07,603 --> 00:04:08,952
Maybe he's afraid of rats.
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00:04:08,954 --> 00:04:11,071
There are rats in the walls?
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00:04:13,074 --> 00:04:15,492
No.
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And the inn's booked up
because of the wedding,
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so we can't change rooms.
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00:04:19,382 --> 00:04:22,616
Oh, that sucks.
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00:04:22,618 --> 00:04:24,251
I'm sorry, baby.
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Hey...
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but if Dearduff does manifest,
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you know the proper way
to harvest ectoplasm, right?
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(phone beeps)
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Hey, good news-- we're all set
for the dove release.
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The what?
When we leave the church,
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00:04:33,962 --> 00:04:35,629
they're gonna release
a hundred doves.
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00:04:35,631 --> 00:04:38,065
It's gonna be
avi-wait-for-it-ary.
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Aviary!
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Oh.
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00:04:40,469 --> 00:04:42,486
That might be a problem.
Why?
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Because when
we leave the church,
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a few of the gun enthusiasts
in my family
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are gonna fire a 21-gun salute.
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00:04:48,444 --> 00:04:50,778
(bells tolling, doves cooing)
Hey, man.
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00:04:50,780 --> 00:04:52,979
(gunfire)
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00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:59,086
(dove cooing)
Oh, look-- one got away.
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(gunshot)
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Can't you guys just fire blanks?
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At a wedding?
(laughing)
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Yeah, that's romantic.
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00:05:08,146 --> 00:05:10,514
(thunder rumbling)
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(thunder crashing)
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(thunder crashes)
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(screams)
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(grunts, groans)
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Ted!
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What the hell are
you doing in my room?!
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Uh...
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NARRATOR:
There was an explanation.
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You see, after Marshallgot off the phone with Lily,
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he'd called me.
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00:05:41,413 --> 00:05:43,080
(phone rings)
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00:05:43,082 --> 00:05:44,498
Hey, buddy. What's up?
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00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,750
Ted, listen, I need you
to sneak into Lily's room,
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00:05:46,752 --> 00:05:49,169
find her phone, and delete
the last text she got.
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00:05:49,171 --> 00:05:49,887
Why? What's...
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00:05:49,889 --> 00:05:51,638
Ted, I need you to do this
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00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:52,890
no questions asked.
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00:05:52,892 --> 00:05:56,727
And as we both know, you owe me
a "No Questions Asked."
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00:05:57,612 --> 00:05:59,179
(phone rings)
Hey.
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00:05:59,181 --> 00:06:01,515
TED: Hey. Listen, I need you
to do something for me
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00:06:01,517 --> 00:06:03,684
no questions asked, okay?
What is it?
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00:06:03,686 --> 00:06:06,052
Meet me at the corner
of 53rd and 8th.
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Bring your drill.
(click)
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TED:
Marshall.
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00:06:15,446 --> 00:06:17,614
What the hell?
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00:06:17,616 --> 00:06:19,166
How did you...
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00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:20,601
No...
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00:06:20,603 --> 00:06:23,137
questions... asked.
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00:06:23,139 --> 00:06:25,672
I broke federal law drilling you
out of that mailbox.
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00:06:25,674 --> 00:06:27,508
Hey, I was a man in need.
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00:06:27,510 --> 00:06:30,344
I know.
You were a "Priority Male."
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00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:31,345
You said you'd
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00:06:31,347 --> 00:06:33,380
stop doing that joke
after the editor
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00:06:33,382 --> 00:06:35,516
of Bazooka Joe comics
rejected it.
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00:06:35,518 --> 00:06:37,134
That man is a comedy snob.
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00:06:37,136 --> 00:06:38,468
The point is,
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00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:39,970
you owe me
a "No Questions Asked."
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00:06:39,972 --> 00:06:41,889
Okay, okay!
I'll delete the text.
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00:06:41,891 --> 00:06:43,106
Thank you.
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00:06:43,108 --> 00:06:44,608
I just have to figure out
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00:06:44,610 --> 00:06:46,143
how to get into Lily's room.
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00:06:46,145 --> 00:06:48,645
Easy. The lock on her door
is busted, so...
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00:06:48,647 --> 00:06:50,096
The drainpipe!
What?
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00:06:50,098 --> 00:06:51,982
There's a drainpipe that
runs up near her window,
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00:06:51,984 --> 00:06:54,034
and, no big deal,
I can totally climb it.
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00:06:54,036 --> 00:06:55,202
I'll call you when it's done.
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00:06:55,204 --> 00:06:56,320
Her door is unlock...
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00:06:56,322 --> 00:06:58,071
(click)
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00:06:58,073 --> 00:06:59,406
Uh...
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00:06:59,408 --> 00:07:01,625
Marshall wanted me
to check on you.
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00:07:01,627 --> 00:07:03,627
He was worried
that you might be scared
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00:07:03,629 --> 00:07:05,379
all alone in the ghost room.
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00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,130
Remind me to call
you next time
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00:07:07,132 --> 00:07:09,416
Marvin has a nightmare--
you can calm him
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00:07:09,418 --> 00:07:13,303
by bursting into his room with
a chain saw and a hockey mask!
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00:07:13,305 --> 00:07:15,589
Sorry, I didn't want to knock
in case you were already asleep,
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00:07:15,591 --> 00:07:17,791
so I just climbed the drainpipe
up to your window.
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00:07:17,793 --> 00:07:19,560
No big deal.
Mm, opened the latch
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00:07:19,562 --> 00:07:21,595
with this here coat hanger.
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00:07:21,597 --> 00:07:23,847
I would have called,
but, uh...
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00:07:23,849 --> 00:07:26,850
well, I didn't know if
you'd have your phone handy.
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00:07:26,852 --> 00:07:28,986
Say, where is
that old phone of yours?
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00:07:28,988 --> 00:07:30,604
Ted, I am
not scared,
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00:07:30,606 --> 00:07:32,806
so why don't you head back
to your room...
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00:07:32,808 --> 00:07:33,941
(thunder crashes)
(screams): Oh...
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00:07:33,943 --> 00:07:35,692
kay...
201
00:07:35,694 --> 00:07:38,862
Why, I guess you can stay
until I fall asleep,
202
00:07:38,864 --> 00:07:40,914
if it'll make you feel better?
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00:07:40,916 --> 00:07:43,250
(thunder crashes)
A-And...
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00:07:43,252 --> 00:07:45,285
maybe if it'll
make you feel even better,
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00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:48,589
you can sing me a version
of Marvin's lullaby?
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00:07:48,591 --> 00:07:50,040
Okay.
207
00:07:50,042 --> 00:07:52,042
Okay.
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00:07:52,044 --> 00:07:55,012
♪ Night-night, little Lily
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00:07:55,014 --> 00:07:58,215
♪ No ifs, ands or buts
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00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:02,519
♪ No peg-legged ghost
is waiting ♪
211
00:08:02,521 --> 00:08:05,355
♪ To hook out your guts.
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00:08:05,357 --> 00:08:06,890
Ted!
213
00:08:06,892 --> 00:08:08,108
Sorry. Sorry.
214
00:08:08,110 --> 00:08:09,977
Nighty-night.
215
00:08:11,229 --> 00:08:13,563
(Ted humming lullaby)
216
00:08:15,683 --> 00:08:17,868
(continues humming lullaby)
217
00:08:18,786 --> 00:08:20,487
(continues humming)
218
00:08:20,489 --> 00:08:23,573
ETHEREAL VOICE (softly):
Cold...
219
00:08:23,575 --> 00:08:26,076
So cold.
220
00:08:27,462 --> 00:08:29,630
Help me.
221
00:08:31,215 --> 00:08:33,383
Help me...
222
00:08:34,218 --> 00:08:36,420
Oh, God, the Hooker's here!
Ted,
223
00:08:36,422 --> 00:08:39,039
I am not gonna cheat on Robin.
224
00:08:39,041 --> 00:08:42,125
But you're a hell of a best man
for getting me one, buddy.
225
00:08:42,127 --> 00:08:43,543
Where is she?
226
00:08:43,545 --> 00:08:44,895
All right,
I'll take a lap dance.
227
00:08:44,897 --> 00:08:47,097
Can I borrow some sweatpants?
228
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,149
(whispers): Barney, what
are you doing in there?
229
00:08:53,150 --> 00:08:54,250
Marshall asked me
230
00:08:54,252 --> 00:08:56,702
to do something for him,
no questions asked.
231
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,654
Sidebar-- I forgot
to get my cousin David
232
00:08:58,656 --> 00:09:00,356
something for his bar mitzvah
last week.
233
00:09:00,358 --> 00:09:02,374
Could you send the hooker
to his room?
234
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,510
Wait, Marshall called you, too?
235
00:09:04,512 --> 00:09:07,263
NARRATOR: Turns out I wasn'tMarshall's first call.
236
00:09:07,265 --> 00:09:08,897
Can't you guys just fire blanks?
237
00:09:08,899 --> 00:09:11,033
At a wedding?
(laughing)
238
00:09:11,035 --> 00:09:12,685
Yeah, that's romantic.
239
00:09:12,687 --> 00:09:13,819
I just wish I would've
240
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,154
known about the guns.
Well,
241
00:09:15,156 --> 00:09:16,555
I wish I'd known
about the doves.
242
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:18,190
That's the problem with
us-- we don't think
243
00:09:18,192 --> 00:09:21,026
about checking in with the other
person before doing something.
244
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:22,278
Honestly, I think
245
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:24,229
that's what broke us up
the first time.
246
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,198
We're both... lone wolves--
247
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,534
always off in our own worlds.
248
00:09:28,536 --> 00:09:31,203
That's not gonna work.
249
00:09:31,205 --> 00:09:33,188
Not in a marriage, no.
250
00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:35,324
What? Sorry, I was thinking
about getting the doves
251
00:09:35,326 --> 00:09:37,293
little Kevlar tuxedos,
but that's not gonna work--
252
00:09:37,295 --> 00:09:39,211
there's no time for a fitting.
253
00:09:39,213 --> 00:09:40,629
(phone rings)
Hey.
254
00:09:40,631 --> 00:09:42,498
Listen, I need you
to get to Lily's phone
255
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:44,667
without her seeing, and delete
the last text she got.
256
00:09:44,669 --> 00:09:45,751
Why? What did you...
257
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,035
And I need you to do it
258
00:09:47,037 --> 00:09:48,420
no questions asked.
259
00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:52,558
As you'll recall, you owe me
a "No Questions Asked."
260
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:56,228
(phone rings)
Hello?
261
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,714
Marshall, I need you to rush
to the Macy's in Herald Square,
262
00:09:58,716 --> 00:10:00,549
find the utility closet
on the third floor,
263
00:10:00,551 --> 00:10:01,984
and bring me
the following things:
264
00:10:01,986 --> 00:10:04,436
a clean pair of underwear,
a clean pair of pants,
265
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,939
a box of moist towelettes,
hand sanitizer,
266
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:10,526
and a garbage bag,
no questions asked.
267
00:10:10,528 --> 00:10:11,860
You deuced your pants.
268
00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:16,365
Never mind.
269
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:19,752
Ha. You didn't wind up
helping me, so it doesn't count.
270
00:10:19,754 --> 00:10:21,069
Yes, I'm the one
Face!
271
00:10:21,071 --> 00:10:22,788
who should be embarrassed
by that story.
272
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:24,540
But that wasn't
the time I meant.
273
00:10:24,542 --> 00:10:26,074
This was last fall.
274
00:10:26,076 --> 00:10:28,293
Hey, I got here as
fast as I could.
275
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,678
Are you okay?
Yeah, fine.
276
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:31,513
Th-These quacks said I was...
(scoffs)
277
00:10:31,515 --> 00:10:34,383
unfit to leave on my own.
Blah, blah, blah.
278
00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:36,418
"Danger to myself."
Blah, blah, blah.
279
00:10:36,420 --> 00:10:38,754
"Whoever signs me out is legally
responsible for my actions."
280
00:10:38,756 --> 00:10:40,255
I just need you to sign me out.
281
00:10:40,257 --> 00:10:41,273
What the hell happened?
282
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:42,558
Uh-uh!
283
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,476
I said no questions asked.
284
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:46,278
W...
285
00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:50,032
Star, clover, horseshoe.
286
00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:52,067
Barney, did you swallow
real versions
287
00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:53,786
of all the Lucky Charms items?
288
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:57,706
No... questions... asked.
289
00:10:57,708 --> 00:10:59,291
Now come on. Let's hit
the bar. I'm buying.
290
00:10:59,293 --> 00:11:01,710
I just won 50 bucks from
a little Irish guy on a dare.
291
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,880
Fine, I'll delete the text.
292
00:11:04,882 --> 00:11:06,498
But how am I supposed to get
into Lily's room?
293
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,801
Easy. The lock on her door
is busted...
294
00:11:08,803 --> 00:11:10,552
Air ducts!
What?
295
00:11:10,554 --> 00:11:12,721
I'll use the system of air ducts
to get in her room,
296
00:11:12,723 --> 00:11:14,956
just like the bad guy
in Die Hard.
297
00:11:14,958 --> 00:11:17,309
Barney, Bruce Willis is not
the bad guy in Die H...
298
00:11:17,311 --> 00:11:20,396
Not important. The point is,
the door is not lock...
299
00:11:20,398 --> 00:11:22,130
I'll call you when it's done.
300
00:11:22,132 --> 00:11:23,932
ROBIN:
Anyway, I was saying,
301
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,018
I think we need to be better
about talking to each other
302
00:11:26,020 --> 00:11:27,236
before doing stuff.
303
00:11:27,238 --> 00:11:28,404
Can't talk. Doing stuff.
304
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,990
(grunting)
(grate clatters)
305
00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:33,992
What is going on?
306
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:36,445
(groans)
307
00:11:36,447 --> 00:11:38,330
Barney, what are you doing
in there?
308
00:11:38,332 --> 00:11:42,534
Uh, well, there is
a story there.
309
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:45,821
It involves a trained
Guatemalan kinkajou,
310
00:11:45,823 --> 00:11:47,840
a Bolshoi Ballet
prima ballerina
311
00:11:47,842 --> 00:11:50,459
and Olympic gold medalist
Duke Kahanamoku's surfboard.
312
00:11:50,461 --> 00:11:52,628
Tell her, Ted.
313
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,130
Uh...
314
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,015
uh...
315
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,517
uh...
The kinkajou...
316
00:11:58,519 --> 00:12:01,136
the kinkajou...
(knocking)
317
00:12:01,138 --> 00:12:04,640
Oh, God, what is it now?
318
00:12:04,642 --> 00:12:06,508
Good evening,
Ms. Aldrin.
319
00:12:06,510 --> 00:12:08,811
I didn't order room service.
320
00:12:08,813 --> 00:12:10,679
It says right here, room 13.
321
00:12:10,681 --> 00:12:12,815
Lobster, caviar, champagne.
322
00:12:12,817 --> 00:12:14,650
$400?!
323
00:12:14,652 --> 00:12:16,702
I didn't order any of this.
324
00:12:16,704 --> 00:12:19,020
Maybe Dearduff the Hooker
ordered it.
325
00:12:19,022 --> 00:12:22,040
Well, I'm not paying for room
service the Hooker ordered!
326
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,960
I've been there.
LILY: Okay,
327
00:12:24,962 --> 00:12:28,163
you know what? I need to
talk to the manager.
328
00:12:29,132 --> 00:12:32,301
All right,
where's that damn phone?
329
00:12:32,303 --> 00:12:34,470
You, too?!
330
00:12:34,472 --> 00:12:35,754
(groans)
331
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:37,973
(phone rings)
332
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:39,842
Hey.
MARSHALL: Robin,
333
00:12:39,844 --> 00:12:41,510
I need you to delete
the last text
334
00:12:41,512 --> 00:12:43,011
that Lily got
before she sees it.
335
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,097
Bro, it's my wedding weekend.
336
00:12:45,099 --> 00:12:46,431
Just because
you didn't know better
337
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,883
than to take a naked selfie
338
00:12:47,885 --> 00:12:49,735
while you were in the coldest
part of the country...
339
00:12:49,737 --> 00:12:51,270
First, I'm an Eriksen.
340
00:12:51,272 --> 00:12:53,555
Cold has a plumping effect.
341
00:12:53,557 --> 00:12:56,775
Second, you owe me
a "No Questions Asked."
342
00:12:56,777 --> 00:13:00,028
All right, I'm-I'm at the alley
near 22nd and 2nd. Now what?
343
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:01,947
ROBIN: No questions asked. Tell me
about that giant trout
344
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:04,500
you and your dad caught
ice-fishing that one time.
345
00:13:04,502 --> 00:13:07,119
Well, it was more beast
than trout.
346
00:13:07,121 --> 00:13:09,705
Fought us for three hours
and nearly dragged us both
347
00:13:09,707 --> 00:13:11,406
into Lake Winnibigoshish.
348
00:13:11,408 --> 00:13:13,091
It was this big, and...
349
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,793
(grunts)
Hey.
350
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,712
Run!
351
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,636
I never asked you
who those weirdos were,
352
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,421
why they kept calling you
Night Falcon
353
00:13:26,423 --> 00:13:28,941
or even what was in those darts
that they were blowing at us.
354
00:13:28,943 --> 00:13:30,592
Your vision came back,
didn't it?
355
00:13:30,594 --> 00:13:32,594
(sighs)
Wuss.
356
00:13:32,596 --> 00:13:34,196
Fine, I'll take care of it.
357
00:13:34,198 --> 00:13:36,698
Just have to figure out
how to get into Lily's room.
358
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:38,200
Her door doesn't lock.
You can just...
359
00:13:38,202 --> 00:13:39,902
Room service!
360
00:13:39,904 --> 00:13:41,119
Night Falcon, you're a genius.
361
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,322
I'll call you when it's done.
362
00:13:44,774 --> 00:13:46,158
Why would he call
363
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,243
you guys before me?
Well, dude,
364
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,545
you're not great in a crisis.
365
00:13:49,547 --> 00:13:51,663
What was that story
you were prattling on about?
366
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,048
What the hell
is a kinkajou?
367
00:13:53,050 --> 00:13:54,466
Okay, let's just find it
before she gets back.
368
00:13:54,468 --> 00:13:55,584
NIGHT CLERK:
I'm sorry, ma'am.
369
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,586
You ordered it,
so you have to pay for it.
370
00:13:57,588 --> 00:13:59,955
Not to mention the room damage
you're responsible for.
371
00:13:59,957 --> 00:14:01,406
I've got
a report here:
372
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,308
broken lock, faulty Wi-Fi,
373
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,727
you've taken several items
from the minibar...
374
00:14:05,729 --> 00:14:07,379
There is no minibar.
375
00:14:07,381 --> 00:14:08,814
Stolen minibar.
376
00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,649
It's not here.
377
00:14:10,651 --> 00:14:12,517
Well, where else would it be?
378
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:13,652
Okay.
379
00:14:13,654 --> 00:14:16,822
I think it's time
I call my lawyer.
380
00:14:16,824 --> 00:14:18,273
Uh-oh.
381
00:14:20,850 --> 00:14:23,662
Okay, we need to get to Lily's
phone before she sees that text.
382
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,112
I'm on it.
Night Falcon is on it.
383
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,914
Good thing I packed my unitard.
384
00:14:26,916 --> 00:14:27,915
(groans)
385
00:14:30,785 --> 00:14:32,786
(panting)
386
00:14:32,788 --> 00:14:34,764
This is exactly
what we always do, isn't it?
387
00:14:34,789 --> 00:14:35,357
Yeah.
388
00:14:35,358 --> 00:14:37,624
We were both gonna bolt off
and lone wolf it
389
00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:40,127
without telling
the other person a thing.
390
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:43,180
Why do we do that?
I don't know.
391
00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:46,567
Maybe we're just incapable
of working as a unit.
392
00:14:47,269 --> 00:14:48,569
(sighs)
393
00:14:49,437 --> 00:14:51,906
You know...
394
00:14:51,908 --> 00:14:55,442
I bet even lone wolves
can learn to work together.
395
00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:58,028
I'd like to think so.
396
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:02,149
They could build their little
woodland den together.
397
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,335
Roam together.
398
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,753
Hunt together.
399
00:15:05,755 --> 00:15:08,155
Lure prey into
a tight corner and...
400
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,507
BOTH: Snap its limbs
with our powerful jaws
401
00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:13,043
and watch the life drain
from its eyes.
402
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:15,129
BOTH:
Aw...
403
00:15:15,131 --> 00:15:18,498
Point is, we're gonna
make a great team.
404
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,684
We'll just need
some practice.
405
00:15:20,686 --> 00:15:24,305
Yeah. Yeah, let's prove
that we believe in marriage
406
00:15:24,307 --> 00:15:25,672
by working together
407
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:28,442
to help Marshall
hide something from his wife.
408
00:15:31,913 --> 00:15:35,282
ROBIN: First, we take positionin the lobby.
409
00:15:37,819 --> 00:15:40,237
BARNEY:
Then you cause a distraction.
410
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:42,022
(silenced gunshot)
(vase shatters)
411
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:45,826
ROBIN: Then you send in a trained doveto grab Lily's phone.
412
00:15:45,828 --> 00:15:47,828
BARNEY: The dove drops the phoneinto your hand.
413
00:15:47,830 --> 00:15:49,363
You delete the text
414
00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,498
and toss it backon the counter.
415
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:54,218
♪
416
00:15:55,020 --> 00:15:56,703
Wait.
(sighs)
417
00:15:56,705 --> 00:15:58,672
It's absolutely insane...
418
00:15:59,707 --> 00:16:01,842
...how foolproof this plan is!
419
00:16:01,844 --> 00:16:03,894
Sometimes it's best
to just go simple.
420
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,813
Yep.
421
00:16:07,215 --> 00:16:08,349
(coughing)
422
00:16:08,351 --> 00:16:09,817
Wh-Why do you have a gun?
423
00:16:09,819 --> 00:16:11,435
Why do you always have a gun?
424
00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:12,519
(quietly):
Where's Lily?
425
00:16:12,521 --> 00:16:13,904
She went up 20 minutes ago.
426
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:15,356
You're kidding.
427
00:16:15,358 --> 00:16:17,491
Courtney Dove, no!
428
00:16:17,493 --> 00:16:19,109
I already lost Kurt Coo-bain!
429
00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:21,228
I can't lose you as well.
430
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:23,414
Great. How are we gonna
get Lily's phone back now?
431
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:24,948
Oh, I already took care of that.
432
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:26,400
And now I'm rewarding myself
433
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,369
with some of the inn's
finest brandy.
434
00:16:28,371 --> 00:16:29,286
Bottoms up.
435
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:30,287
Well, thank you.
436
00:16:30,289 --> 00:16:31,338
No, no, that's a warning.
437
00:16:31,340 --> 00:16:32,373
The dove's about to...
438
00:16:32,375 --> 00:16:34,541
(cooing)
439
00:16:34,543 --> 00:16:35,709
What happened?
440
00:16:35,711 --> 00:16:37,378
Well...
441
00:16:37,380 --> 00:16:40,631
I think it's time
I call my lawyer.
442
00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:42,633
(phone ringing)
443
00:16:46,054 --> 00:16:47,921
Hi, baby.
444
00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:50,441
You are never gonna
believe this, but... (phone chimes)
445
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:53,143
Uh, someone sent me a text.
446
00:16:53,145 --> 00:16:55,946
TED:
Lily, stop!
447
00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:57,448
Why?
448
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,116
Because...
449
00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:01,435
because...
450
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,820
NARRATOR:
And that's when I realized
451
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:05,605
that the answerhad been there all along.
452
00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:07,991
Throw your phone on the ground
and smash it with your foot.
453
00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:09,159
What? No.
I need you
454
00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,128
to do this no questions asked.
455
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:14,248
You owe me
a "No Questions Asked."
456
00:17:15,133 --> 00:17:16,633
Hey, Lil. What's...
Ted, I need you
457
00:17:16,635 --> 00:17:18,385
to come
to my classroom right now
458
00:17:18,387 --> 00:17:20,003
with two dozen cupcakes
and a box cutter.
459
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:21,772
No questions asked.
460
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:23,790
Lily, I brought the...
461
00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:25,342
Oh-oh, my God.
462
00:17:25,344 --> 00:17:26,593
Ted,
463
00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:28,795
put the cupcakes at the feet
of their leader,
464
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,130
then cut me loose.
465
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,815
Don't make eye contact!
466
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:34,101
(children chanting)
467
00:17:34,103 --> 00:17:35,319
Ted...
468
00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:39,773
No... questions... asked.
469
00:17:43,478 --> 00:17:45,446
(Lily stomping)
470
00:17:45,448 --> 00:17:48,782
Well, interesting that I was
the one who fixed everything
471
00:17:48,784 --> 00:17:51,251
even though Marshall
called me...
472
00:17:51,253 --> 00:17:53,120
third.
NARRATOR: Ninth,
473
00:17:53,122 --> 00:17:55,706
as I found out later,but I won't go into it.
474
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,291
The important thingis what happened
475
00:17:57,293 --> 00:18:00,377
right after the untimely deathof Lily's phone.
476
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:02,463
So you're saying
you didn't order room service
477
00:18:02,465 --> 00:18:05,132
and you didn't order
Prison Sluts Nine?
478
00:18:05,134 --> 00:18:09,520
I am saying I did not order
room service.
479
00:18:10,138 --> 00:18:11,939
It is done. By me.
480
00:18:11,941 --> 00:18:14,691
Your third call.
481
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:16,343
Actually, you were...
482
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,562
Thank you. H-How did you do it?
483
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:20,564
I called in a "No Questions
Asked" with Lily.
484
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:21,848
But, wait,
why didn't you do that?
485
00:18:21,850 --> 00:18:23,283
You must have, like,
a million of those.
486
00:18:23,285 --> 00:18:25,202
And Marshall thought back.
487
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:26,520
Hello?
488
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,571
Hey, baby, it's me.
489
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,456
Um, can you come bail me
out of jail?
490
00:18:29,458 --> 00:18:31,858
I thought I saw Bigfoot
in Central Park
491
00:18:31,860 --> 00:18:33,193
and so I tackled him,
492
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:36,547
but it turned out
to be Russell Brand.
493
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,549
Hey...
494
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:41,919
Oh, do you mind looking up
our vaccination records?
495
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:45,556
I tried to hug a raccoon.
496
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,724
Hey, babe, um,
497
00:18:47,726 --> 00:18:49,042
could you dig up our warranty?
498
00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,711
I took the TV apart, and I made
499
00:18:51,713 --> 00:18:53,981
a robot out of it.
500
00:18:53,983 --> 00:18:55,182
(phone rings)
Hello?
501
00:18:55,184 --> 00:18:56,433
Hey.
502
00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:58,735
I tackled
Russell Brand again.
503
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:01,655
I've never asked Lily to do
anything no questions asked
504
00:19:01,657 --> 00:19:03,490
because...
505
00:19:03,492 --> 00:19:05,993
I've never wanted to.
506
00:19:05,995 --> 00:19:07,727
She's the love of my life.
507
00:19:07,729 --> 00:19:11,532
I never keep anything from her.
508
00:19:11,534 --> 00:19:14,585
(sighs)
Ted, put Lily on the phone.
509
00:19:15,403 --> 00:19:18,071
Hey. It's Marshall.
510
00:19:19,707 --> 00:19:22,593
Want to tell me what's going on?
511
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,411
Yes.
512
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,264
I was offered a judgeship
in New York.
513
00:19:27,266 --> 00:19:28,966
And I took it.
514
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:32,886
Even though we already agreed
to move to Rome.
515
00:19:32,888 --> 00:19:35,055
I'm gonna be a judge.
516
00:19:37,141 --> 00:19:39,109
Lily?
517
00:19:40,195 --> 00:19:43,447
You know, Marshall,
I don't believe in ghosts,
518
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:47,150
and I'm not sure anyone died
in our room,
519
00:19:47,152 --> 00:19:49,536
but someone's going to.
520
00:19:49,538 --> 00:19:51,738
(thunder rumbles)
(Dearduff laughing manically)
521
00:20:00,281 --> 00:20:02,860
"And I see in your eyes
the emerald reefs
522
00:20:02,861 --> 00:20:05,228
"of the primordial seas afroth
523
00:20:05,230 --> 00:20:06,947
"with the first stirrings
of life,
524
00:20:06,949 --> 00:20:09,650
"infinite in mystery
and miracle.
525
00:20:09,652 --> 00:20:11,034
"Forever yours,
526
00:20:11,036 --> 00:20:13,520
"the guy you met
at the drugstore an hour ago.
527
00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:15,539
"I heard you give your address
to the pharmacist
528
00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:18,191
while I was buying foot powder."
529
00:20:18,193 --> 00:20:20,377
Yeah.
530
00:20:25,199 --> 00:20:27,050
Mailed it.
531
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:33,423
(grunting)
No! No! No, no!
532
00:20:33,425 --> 00:20:36,560
(grunts)
533
00:20:51,159 --> 00:20:56,159
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
38130
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