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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,436
Ted:
Look at this,
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,438
Your wedding weekend.
I know.
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,640
This close to finally
having sex again.
4
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,209
It's been forever.
5
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:11,643
Oh, you and robin
been abstaining?
6
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:12,945
Talking about you, ted.
7
00:00:12,947 --> 00:00:14,880
Now here's the deal:
Every hookup
8
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:17,549
At a weekend wedding is decided
at Friday night drinks.
9
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,351
Get stuck with
the wrong girl
10
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,553
Tonight, the only action you'll
be getting all weekend
11
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:24,323
Is a self-five,
and I don't mean the cool kind.
12
00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,992
(chuckles)
self-five! That's the cool kind.
13
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,360
Well, that's a big decision.
14
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,329
The biggest.
15
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:33,565
It brings to mind
that religious text
16
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,667
Which we hold most sacred:
17
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:39,204
Indiana jones and
the last crusade.
18
00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:41,974
Remember?
They entered a chamber.
19
00:00:41,976 --> 00:00:44,576
Really? I'm the one working
with the nazis?
20
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,980
Ted, just... Just... Okay?
21
00:00:47,982 --> 00:00:50,215
Yeah.
They had to choose
22
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,484
Which cup was
this special cup.
23
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,086
I forget what
it was called,
24
00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,988
But it's like the
holy grail of cups.
25
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:58,590
It was the holy grail.
Of cups, exactly.
26
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,927
So the nazi confederate
chose, and...
27
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:04,229
(quietly):
Please don't make me do that...
28
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,598
Ted, ted, the confederate
nazi chose, and...?
I...
29
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,267
Okay, okay.
30
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,002
Oh.
31
00:01:14,607 --> 00:01:16,308
And so, now, I'm gonna explode.
32
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:19,244
He chose...
33
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:20,679
Poorly.
34
00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:24,750
Then indy picked
a cup, and...
35
00:01:28,688 --> 00:01:30,522
You chose...
36
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,024
Wisely.
37
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:37,029
(playing surf guitar)
38
00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:40,299
So choose wisely, ted.
39
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:43,402
To help you decide,
I spent all day yesterday
40
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,636
Picking your top
three prospects.
41
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,038
And I helped.
42
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,539
It was either that
or writing our vows.
43
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,041
Uch! Gag.
44
00:01:49,043 --> 00:01:52,311
Sophia was robin's
college roommate,
45
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:55,314
And she's apparently "a bit
of a screamer" in the sack.
46
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,748
Yeah, during sex,
47
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,984
She sounds exactly like
a car alarm from the '90s.
48
00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:04,089
You know, whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo,
ooh-uh, ooh, ah-ah-ah-ah.
49
00:02:04,091 --> 00:02:05,591
Dudes love it.
50
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:08,660
Cassie is the daughter
of my mom's best friend.
51
00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:12,097
Sad story: 12 years ago,
her gymnast career
52
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:16,235
Was tragically cut short
when her boobs got too big.
53
00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,670
Grace is a new coworker.
54
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,507
She's had six different
positions at the firm,
55
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,575
And that was just at
the christmas party.
56
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:25,177
Ooh.
57
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,678
So, grace doesn't
arrive till later,
mm-hmm.
58
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,348
I recommend
(whistles) sophia.
59
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:34,186
I strongly feel that you
should strongly feel her.
60
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,188
I guess it's decided, then.
61
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,023
Ted, right?
Yeah.
62
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,591
I'm cassie.
63
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,693
Oh... Something tells me
64
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:45,264
That we are gonna have a lot
of fun this weekend. (chuckles)
65
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,401
(quietly):
Cassie. I pick cassie.
66
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,373
You chose...
67
00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,408
Poorly.
68
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:12,558
Hey, there's our minister.
69
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,793
Oh, what a sweet-looking old...
70
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,829
Ah! He looks scary.
71
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,298
Looks can be
deceiving, lily.
72
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,566
But not in this case.
73
00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,134
He's a mean old tool.
74
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,638
Oh, he can't be that bad.
75
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,807
I'll get him to come around.
76
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:31,743
Hi, reverend.
77
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:34,379
I'm lily aldrin,
the maid of honor.
78
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,081
Not too much honor.
79
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:38,317
You're dressed like a whore.
80
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,620
(mouthing)
81
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:45,757
So what's going on?
Why aren't you telling your wife
82
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,326
You got an offer to be a judge?
83
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:49,661
Lily had her heart set
on us moving to rome,
84
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,563
So I have to tell her in person.
85
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,732
That way, I know that I can
convince her
86
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,434
That we need to stay.
87
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:58,737
In the courtroom,
they call me the convincer.
88
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,672
They really call you that?
89
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,742
I convinced them
to call me that.
90
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,444
But you have to prepare
for your court cases.
91
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,746
Did you prepare
for talking to lily?
92
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,181
I don't need to prepare, okay?
93
00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:11,683
I can craft a nice...
94
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,352
Thingy.
95
00:04:14,554 --> 00:04:16,421
Oh, wow I'm totally...
96
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,756
The twisty metal thingy?
97
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,690
You're screwed.
98
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,359
I'm screwed!
99
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,793
(both laughing)
100
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,862
I'm sorry, ted, I don't know.
101
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,131
I'm just so tired
of this routine:
102
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:27,866
We flirt, we have a few drinks,
103
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:30,302
And then we end the night
with meaningless sex.
104
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,437
Oh...
105
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,573
Yeah.
106
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,208
Me, too.
107
00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:38,477
Do you want to start the night
with meaningless sex
108
00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:39,778
And then flirt later?
109
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,146
You are a visionary.
110
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,581
(laughs)
111
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:43,582
Come on.
112
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:44,583
(phone rings)
113
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,818
Oh! Oh! It's work.
114
00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:48,887
Should I get it or ignore it?
115
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,789
Or get it? Oh, or ignore it?
116
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,157
Um...
Or get it?
117
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,492
You know? Go ahead, get it.
118
00:04:53,494 --> 00:04:54,826
Okay. (clears throat)
119
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,461
Hello?
120
00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:59,331
You chose...
121
00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:00,599
Poorly.
122
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:02,801
I'm fired?
123
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:04,770
But teaching there
was my dream job!
124
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,738
And you guys
are my only friends.
125
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,808
You all hate me?
126
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:12,277
Can I at least say
good-bye to all my kids?
127
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:15,681
My kids all hate me?!
128
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,282
(sobbing)
129
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,417
Oh!
130
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:21,186
Oh... It's okay.
131
00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:25,857
So, what were we
about to do?
132
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:28,293
I think it was
"meaningless" something?
133
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,528
Meaningless socks? No.
134
00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:30,662
(sobbing)
135
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,497
No, it wasn't
meaningless socks.
136
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,533
Hey, hi, hi, hi.
137
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,435
Um, so, a little problem.
138
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:40,505
I was trying really hard
not to offend your minister...
139
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:44,376
So how did you
and your husband meet?
140
00:05:44,378 --> 00:05:47,379
Oh, it was our first week
of college.
141
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:49,715
I needed help hooking up
my stereo,
142
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:53,385
So I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
143
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:54,786
I should knock
on this one door.
144
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,788
Marshall opened it.
145
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,223
It was destiny.
146
00:05:58,225 --> 00:06:00,225
Hi.
Hi.
147
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,861
We've been together ever since.
148
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,464
Excuse me!
149
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,367
What did I do wrong?
150
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:11,536
What did you do wrong?
151
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,339
We really wanted him
to marry us.
152
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,575
His church has cute
coming out the wazoo,
153
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,677
But when we met with him...
154
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,545
No pets in my church.
155
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:23,014
No casual attire in my church.
156
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,251
No gum.
No sports logos...
157
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,986
Reverend?
More like never-end.
158
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,589
Prayer-five.
No shouting.
No cell phones.
159
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,823
I'll warn you
160
00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,926
That I turn down
most wedding requests.
161
00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:38,597
Particularly from boozy,
promiscuous manhattanites
162
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,266
Who only want me
to marry them because
163
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:45,437
My church has "cute"
coming out the wazoo.
164
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:48,707
That is the total
opposite of us.
165
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,276
People are like that?
166
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,844
Well, then,
how did you two meet?
167
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,580
Oh, um, um...
168
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:56,848
Um...
169
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:59,384
Uh, we've been...
Dating since college.
170
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,920
We met the
very first week.
171
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,623
I needed help
hooking up my stereo,
172
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:07,859
So I walked down the hall,
and I just knew
173
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,895
That I should knock
on this one door.
174
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,797
Barney:
I opened the door.
175
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,432
And it was destiny.
176
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:16,902
Hi.
177
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,637
Hi.
178
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,872
Both:
We've been together ever since!
179
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,308
You stole our story
of how we met?!
180
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,744
We had to!
Your story is so sweet!
Mm.
181
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,612
You didn't even kiss
till the third date.
182
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,481
By our third date,
I'd hit more bases
183
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:32,050
Than bob hope
on a uso tour.
Topical.
184
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,486
Now reverend lowell
knows that we lied to him.
185
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:36,755
What if he cancels
our wedding?
186
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,490
What? That's ridiculous.
187
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:39,758
Barney, robin,
I need to speak
188
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,726
With you in private immediately.
189
00:07:42,995 --> 00:07:44,629
And it's not just
losing my job,
190
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:47,833
My car just got stolen
with all my stuff in it.
191
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,801
And now I think
I'm getting the flu!
192
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,636
I'm sorry.
193
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:53,772
I've been talking
for, like, a half an hour.
194
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,907
It's fine.
40 minutes. It's fine.
195
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:58,777
Still, I think I would be able
to handle all of this
196
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,512
(voice breaks):
If my boyfriend wesley
197
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,782
Hadn't just broken up with me!
198
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,984
(sobs softly)
199
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,754
(inhales deeply)
200
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,793
Why don't you tell me about it?
201
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,696
Okay. I should go back
to the beginning.
202
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,464
Oh, no, before the beginning.
203
00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:20,699
Winter, 1998...
204
00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,434
Man, this girl is a drag!
205
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:26,538
If I hurry, I bet I still have
a shot with sophia.
206
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,940
Okay, I'll get one more drink
with cassie, then bail.
207
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,609
But where, bar or dining room?
208
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,811
Bar or dining room?
209
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:35,013
For my fourth date with
wesley, we went to...
210
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,149
Cassie, let's get one more drink
in the dining room.
211
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,051
You chose...
212
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,154
Hi, mom! Hi, dad!
213
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:45,390
Hey! We just ordered
appetizers.
214
00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:46,558
Sit down, you two!
215
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,794
...Ha-poorly!
216
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,501
Marshall, you're walking into
the biggest fight of your life.
217
00:08:56,503 --> 00:08:58,970
You have to be prepared.
You have to be tough.
218
00:08:58,972 --> 00:09:00,639
I am tough!
No, you're not.
219
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,973
You make some good points.
220
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,842
Now, what exactly
are you gonna say to lily
221
00:09:03,844 --> 00:09:04,876
When you walk
through that door?
222
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,578
Okay.
223
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:07,746
Hey, baby.
224
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,414
So, listen,
I got this phone call...
225
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:10,749
Daphne:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
226
00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:12,183
You haven't seen her in a week.
227
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,419
Where's the "I missed you.
How about a kiss?"
228
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,087
Nothing about her new hairstyle?
229
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,722
Hairstyle?
I can't actually...
230
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:18,823
Start over!
231
00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:21,092
Lily! Hi.
232
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,527
Mmm.
233
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,595
I missed you.
234
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,897
And your hairstyle so much.
235
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,599
Daphne's voice:
I missed you, too.
236
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:30,602
I can't wait to show you
how much in bed tonight.
237
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:31,870
Okay, that's creepy.
238
00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:32,938
Don't break character.
239
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,606
Okay, um...
240
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:37,108
So, listen, I got this
phone call last week, and I...
241
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,777
Daphne:
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
242
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,679
Acknowledge her own views
on the matter first.
243
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,013
Start over.
244
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,182
Lily, hi, mwah.
245
00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,784
I missed you
and your hairstyle so much.
246
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,218
Daphne's voice:
I missed you, too.
247
00:09:47,220 --> 00:09:50,055
Okay, so, I know
that you're excited for rome.
248
00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,990
I'm more excited
for bed tonight.
249
00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:56,628
While I was away,
uh, I got a phone call.
250
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,196
To be a judge.
251
00:09:58,198 --> 00:09:59,531
What the damn hell?!
252
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,799
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
253
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,801
Lily does not say
"what the damn hell."
254
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,235
Well, I've never met her
but, yes, she does.
255
00:10:04,237 --> 00:10:05,971
You make some good points.
Wow.
256
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,872
You are terrible at this.
257
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:10,141
(sighs)
why did we lie?
258
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,776
We have to come clean.
259
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,479
Frankly,
I am appalled.
260
00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:15,814
I know. I...
Your friend
261
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:19,250
Lily just tried to pass off
your sweet story
262
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,987
Of how you met as her own.
263
00:10:23,489 --> 00:10:26,057
That lying little tart!
I am horrified
and relieved!
264
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,995
Does lily have any... Problems
that you're aware of?
265
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,262
Drinking.
Drugs.
266
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:34,666
Both:
She's been drinking drugs.
267
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,834
Lowell:
Well,
268
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,802
I talked to barney
and robin,
269
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,838
And, let me say, I'm shocked.
270
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,239
You should be.
271
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,074
Flat-out lying to me like that?
272
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:45,810
We are not misunderstanding
each other.
How dare you
273
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,813
Pretend their beautiful story
is actually your own.
274
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,582
Come again for lil' fudge?
(chuckles)
275
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:51,850
I understand the temptation.
276
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,818
They're such a sweet couple.
277
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,253
I mean, the way
they call each other
278
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:57,822
Barnmallow and robinpad.
279
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,091
(chuckles)
oh.
280
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,760
Lily:
Yes.
281
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:04,162
I do steal
their stories.
282
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,864
Mm-hmm.
But only because
283
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,132
My husband and I
284
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:10,268
Are so ashamed
of how we met.
285
00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:13,204
See, we only met
because his friend ted
286
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:14,706
Fell in love with me.
287
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,274
And who could blame him?
288
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,642
Hey, marshall.
289
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:18,777
See that girl?
290
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,111
Oh, yeah.
291
00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,980
You just know
she likes it dirty.
292
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,214
Go say hi.
What?
293
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,550
I can't just go say hi.
I-I need a plan.
294
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,218
Hmm.
I'm gonna wait until
she goes to the bathroom...
295
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:28,219
Hi.
296
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,622
Have you met ted?
297
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:31,623
Marshall:
I'm sorry,
298
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,658
I can't...
299
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,126
Lily:
And now, after years of lying,
300
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,327
Cheating and backsliding,
301
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,729
Here we are, married!
302
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,564
But what can I say?
303
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,032
My husband's a sociopath
304
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,734
Who's slept with over
a hundred women,
305
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:46,004
And I'm a slut who once let
my boss feel me up.
306
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:47,238
Oh, come on!
307
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,007
I felt him up!
It is over
250 women!
308
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,242
If you two want to get married
in my church,
309
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,311
You'll stop breaking
the ninth commandment.
310
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,146
Uh...
No fat chicks?
311
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,648
Thou shalt not lie!
312
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,883
With fat chicks?
313
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,219
You're killing me.
You're killing me.
314
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,587
Now that...
315
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:04,022
Was a good dessert.
(cassie sighs)
316
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:06,758
"dessert" sounds like "desert."
317
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,161
The desert
has sand...
318
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,197
There's sand
at the beach...
319
00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,232
And wesley and I
320
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,367
Once drove by a beach.
321
00:12:16,369 --> 00:12:17,368
(sobbing)
322
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,270
Excuse me.
323
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,372
(sobbing)
324
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,174
Ted:
Now's my chance to leave.
325
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:24,776
No, I'll wait five more seconds
326
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,177
So I don't seem too eager.
327
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,178
Four...
328
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,214
Three... Two...
329
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,049
Well, thanks for keeping
our daughter company.
330
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,617
Man, she can be
a real drag, huh?
331
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:35,854
We're gonna go have
a little fun. See ya!
332
00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:38,256
(laughing)
333
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,126
You're on fire tonight, bro.
334
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:44,362
But, lily, being a judge
is my dream job.
335
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:45,964
Daphne's voice:
So your dream job
336
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,632
Is more important
than my dream job?
337
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,634
Exactly.
Now you're getting it.
338
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:50,969
(clicks tongue)
nope.
339
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:51,970
Start over.
340
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,371
So your dream job's
341
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,206
More important
than my dream job?
342
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,976
But, baby, you already have
the best job in the world:
343
00:12:57,978 --> 00:12:59,377
Mom.
Nope.
344
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:00,812
Start over.
345
00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:01,980
So your dream job's
more important
346
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,648
Than my dream job?
347
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,651
Hey, I gave up peeing
in the shower for you.
348
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:07,719
Nope.
349
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:08,753
Start over.
350
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:09,988
So your dream job's
351
00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:11,890
More important
than my dream job?
352
00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:12,957
Of course not.
353
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,159
But this isn't
354
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,960
Just about our future.
355
00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:17,428
It's about everyone's.
356
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,830
As a lawyer,
357
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,165
I couldn't stop big oil
from polluting,
358
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,766
But as a judge...
359
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:22,967
Well, maybe I can.
360
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,736
And that's why I took the job.
361
00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:26,671
You've just been "convincered."
362
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:27,972
Wait.
363
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,841
You already took the job?
364
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,676
Without even talking
to your wife?
365
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,244
Start over.
366
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,779
Start over... Start over.
367
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,748
What the damn hell?!
368
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:39,784
Hi, reverend
lowell?
369
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,786
Whew!
Made it through my half.
370
00:13:41,788 --> 00:13:43,254
You're up.
371
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,355
Oh. Uh...
372
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:46,791
The-the truth is,
we-we have
373
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,459
A complicated,
messy history
374
00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:50,161
That-that we're
not too proud of.
375
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,296
But...
376
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,864
We're sorry
that we lied,
377
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:56,401
And hope that
you can forgive us.
378
00:13:59,338 --> 00:14:01,306
Nope, I can't do it.
379
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,341
You're going to have
to find a new officiant.
380
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,709
Okay.
381
00:14:04,711 --> 00:14:05,810
Well, these
things happen.
382
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:06,878
And a new church.
383
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,112
What the damn hell?!
384
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:13,151
Ted:
This evening could not
get any worse.
385
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,119
Whenever
you're ready.
Crap!
386
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:18,289
Hey, ted.
387
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:20,058
Thanks for
being so great.
388
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,060
I'm lucky to have you
around this weekend.
389
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,062
Ooh, yeah...
390
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,463
About that...
391
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,366
I should really go see
about the, uh...
392
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,301
So, sex?
My room is very close.
393
00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,070
(cassie laughs)
394
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,304
Ted:
Sophia. Hi.
395
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,739
Oh, god. Wesley.
396
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,975
Wait. Wait, you're wesley?
397
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,476
Hey, cassie.
(laughs nervously)
398
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,845
Your parents were just saying
you have a new boyfriend.
399
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:43,047
"boyfriend" is
a little premature.
400
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:44,349
Though I did
pay for dinner.
401
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,918
Ted and I are
very happy.
402
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:48,253
Are we?
403
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,354
(crying):
Even if...
404
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:51,422
He'll never replace you.
405
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,992
(sobbing)
406
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:57,262
So, sophia. Hi.
407
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,229
I'm ted.
408
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,098
Robin's friend.
409
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,866
What do you say we give
these two old flames
410
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,868
A chance to...
Catch up alone,
411
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,336
And maybe you and I
could go get a drink.
412
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,871
Are you
hitting on me?
Dude!
413
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:08,172
Ted, let's go!
414
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,412
You tip...
415
00:15:15,414 --> 00:15:17,181
...Poorly.
416
00:15:22,955 --> 00:15:24,088
Look, I know. I shouldn't
have taken the job
417
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,290
Without telling lily.
418
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:26,958
Why are you so ticked off
about it?
419
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,093
Because I know
what she's going through.
420
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,361
I always dreamed
421
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,563
Of having a career
I could be proud of,
422
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,866
But my husband never
supported me.
423
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:35,967
Eventually,
424
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,803
I had to... Make a choice.
425
00:15:38,805 --> 00:15:39,871
Now, every day,
426
00:15:39,873 --> 00:15:41,272
I'm out there,
427
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,141
I'm fighting for the good guys,
and I love it.
428
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,375
Doesn't
429
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:45,977
Your wife deserve that, too?
430
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:50,114
Wow. Um, maybe
you're right.
431
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:53,451
I didn't realize how many
sacrifices you'd made.
432
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:56,120
What is it you do, anyway?
433
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:57,989
I'm a lobbyist
for a big oil company.
434
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,490
What the damn hell?!
435
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:03,127
You know
that I'm an environmentalist!
436
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,996
That's why you don't want me
to become a judge.
437
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,497
But you're the reason
I have to become a judge!
438
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:08,900
You're the devil incarnate!
And outcarnate!
439
00:16:08,902 --> 00:16:11,069
Every kind of carnate!
440
00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:13,838
Please, is-is there
441
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,073
Any way you'd reconsider?
442
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,607
No! No, no!
443
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:18,943
You two are both
terrible people.
444
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,846
Who found each other
in this crazy world!
445
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,314
Aw!
446
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,950
And who lie
about how they found each
other.
447
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:28,086
So, please leave now. Just...
448
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:30,188
Ugh! Ugh!
449
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,423
You know what?
You're right.
450
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,993
We shouldn't have lied
about our story.
451
00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:37,028
I love our story.
452
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,030
Sure, it's messy,
but it's the story
453
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,299
That got us here,
about to get married.
454
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:43,534
I love it, too.
455
00:16:43,536 --> 00:16:45,536
Every messy chapter.
456
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,172
I love that you slept
with over 250 women
457
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,208
Before deciding that
I was your favorite.
458
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:51,376
This is killing me.
459
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,044
And I love
that we just had
460
00:16:53,046 --> 00:16:54,512
To keep having sex
with each other,
461
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,180
Even when we were dating
other people.
462
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:57,482
This is really killing me.
463
00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,217
And I love that your
marriage proposal
464
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,352
Involved a strip
club, lying to me,
465
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:05,223
And pretending to bang the
woman I hate for two months.
466
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:06,557
I love that we keep
a running tally
467
00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,393
Of all the different rooms
we've had sex in.
468
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:11,529
I love that two weeks ago, we
put this room on that list.
469
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,498
Huh? Come on, rev.
470
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,666
That's got to be worth
some kind of reaction, right?
471
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:18,069
I mean, right where
your hymnal is, is where we...
472
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,204
We...
473
00:17:22,074 --> 00:17:24,275
(laughs)
474
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:37,588
Well, that's not what you want.
475
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,691
(crying and kissing)
476
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:42,927
(crying, sniffling,
kissing)
477
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,695
Um, are...
Are you okay?
478
00:17:44,697 --> 00:17:48,099
I think... Think maybe seeing
your ex was a bit much for you.
479
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:50,368
No. Not at all.
480
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,370
I want... Only you.
481
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,105
Oh, yeah.
482
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:57,241
I want to...
I want to rock your world.
483
00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,510
And you're so hot.
(sniffling)
484
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:03,247
I want to ride you
like a bronco.
485
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,516
(sobbing)
okay, cassie. Cassie.
486
00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,585
Yeah, we...
We can't do this.
487
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,020
I mean, you're crying.
488
00:18:09,022 --> 00:18:10,254
(coughing)
489
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,522
And contagious.
490
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,957
You're-you're having
491
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,292
A really, really bad week.
492
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,294
I think... I think
you should just
493
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,963
Take it easy.
494
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,064
You're right.
495
00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:22,433
I'm not in a
good place.
No.
496
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,568
Oh, wow.
497
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:25,536
I probably would have
let you do
498
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:28,306
All sorts of crazy things to me.
499
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,541
(sighs)
500
00:18:31,643 --> 00:18:33,411
Exactly.
501
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,446
I release you.
502
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,648
Go have fun this weekend.
503
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,417
Meet someone else.
504
00:18:39,419 --> 00:18:41,285
Ted:
Yes! Yes! Be cool.
Okay.
505
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,221
Narrator:
But I couldn't
meet someone else.
506
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,223
Hey, ted?
Yeah.
507
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,591
Everyone here is saying
508
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,593
You and cassie are the
couple of the weekend.
509
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,061
How great is that?
510
00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:51,996
Narrator:
Barney was right.
511
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,665
I'd chosen poorly,
everyone had seen us together,
512
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,767
And now the whole weekend
seemed lost.
513
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:59,303
Until...
514
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,639
Hi. I just got here.
515
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,574
Did I miss anything?
516
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:06,511
Not at all. Grace, right?
517
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,680
I'm ted. Let's get you a drink
before you talk to anyone else
518
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,083
Or hear anything.
519
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,086
Hey, guys.
How's your night going?
520
00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:16,320
Ugh!
Ugh!
521
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:18,189
Our minister just died.
522
00:19:18,191 --> 00:19:20,091
We can still
use the church,
523
00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:22,026
But we only have two days
to find a new officiant.
524
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,194
Unless...
525
00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,495
Barney:
Wedding at bernie's!
526
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,497
We're not doing
wedding at bernie's!
527
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,367
Wow. Oh, that's terrible.
528
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,369
Should I make a toast
in his honor?
529
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,037
(mouthing):
No... No, no, no...
530
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,438
Of course I should.
531
00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:36,707
Everyone?
532
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,376
To reverend lowell.
533
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,344
He may have
passed away
534
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:41,712
Tonight, but
he will always...
535
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:43,781
Uncle robert died?!
536
00:19:44,650 --> 00:19:46,284
Oh, no.
537
00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:48,586
(crying)
538
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,491
(high-pitched crying)
539
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:54,659
(sobbing)
540
00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:56,627
Have a nice weekend.
541
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,497
Narrator:
All that night, I did nothing
but choose poorly.
542
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:01,365
But thanks to cassie,
543
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:03,401
I didn't get together
with anyone at that wedding.
544
00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,236
And if I had,
545
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:08,739
Well, then, your mother
and I might never have met.
546
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:12,643
So, maybe, in a way,
I chose wisely.
547
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,712
Sophia:
Boo-uh! Boo-uh! Eee!
548
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,581
Although, it sure as heck
549
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,316
Didn't feel like it
at the time.
550
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,550
Aah! Aah! Aah!
551
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,252
(sighs)
552
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,154
She chose...
553
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:24,422
Wesley.
554
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:25,756
(chuckling)
555
00:20:25,758 --> 00:20:28,859
I've been dying
to say that one all night.
556
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,261
Sophia:
Boo-uh!
557
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,263
Look, I'm sorry
I yelled at you.
558
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,764
The truth is, you're right.
559
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,400
It was wrong of me to take
that job without telling lily.
560
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:39,437
I don't need to be tough
with her. I need to be fair.
561
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,105
Thanks, marshall.
562
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,274
I should also apologize.
563
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:45,409
While you were filling the tank,
564
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:48,112
I may have been so angry,
565
00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:51,282
I texted your wife with the news
566
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:53,784
That you took that judge offer.
567
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,620
(phone ringing)
568
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,822
Don't forget
to compliment her hair.
38326
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