All language subtitles for Ghosts - S01E18 - Farnsby & B.sd-en

- —[Laughter]
- [Hetty] It was spectacular.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Oh, Samantha just showed
us the musical Hamilton.

Oh, how was it?

- It was a triumph.
- An inspiration.

The pinnacle of human achievement.

It was fine.

[Doorbell rings]

Hello.

- Hello. Uh, do you have a moment?
- —uh, sure. Come in.

- Oh.
- [Flower] Oh, hey.

It's those neighbor people.

- [Door closes]
- The farnsbys.

We just wanted to come by
and drop off a tin

of Margaret's award-winning lemon bars.

[Margaret] And offer you our sincerest

congratulations on the imminent opening
of your bed-and-breakfast.

Oh, that's so nice of you.

Slightly out of character.

So, you're really going
through with it, then?

Yep. As I told you when you
came over for dinner

and tried to extort us...

[Laughs] So sorry about that.

We're opening up the b and b,
and that's just all there is to it.

Well, then, you have left us no choice.

We are sorry, but we would
like to purchase your house.

- [Gasps]
- Wait, what?

[Henry] We'll pay a fair price.

We just don't want to deal
with the headache

of living next door to a b and b.

I mean, the traffic, the noise.

The middle class trudging past
in their volvos.

- They are hard to root for.
- [Jay] I'm sorry,

but no. Our first guests
are arriving in a few days,

so you're just gonna
have to get used to it.

Well, then this isn't over.

You have incurred
the wrath of the farnsbys.

Enjoy those lemon bars.

Sam!

[Theme music playing]

Screw those rich people.

We're not selling.
Who do they think they are?

Yeah, with their fancy cars
and their pickleball courts.

[Chuckles] Babe, let's not
drag pickleball into this.

I mean, I've actually gotten
pretty into it lately.

- What? Since when?
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Oh, I played a couple games with Mark.

We're pickle bros.

Again, that term is not catching on, Jay,
but, yeah, this guy's good.

What's not good is the termites
I just found in your basement.

Oh, hate the news, love the segue.

Yeah, that was some pretty nice wordplay.

Come on, I'll show you guys.

Ugh, it's just one thing after another
with this house, right?

Seriously, it's like we're cursed.

- Oh, boy. This is not good.
- What's the big deal?

They'll just spray or tent.

I mean, it's not gonna be
a pleasant few days,

but we literally can't die,
so there's that.

No, Jay is right, they are cursed.

- I know because I cursed them myself.
- What are you talking about?

[Thorfinn] When they first move in here,
we tried haunting them out,

and haunting fail, so to prevent
the b and b from opening,

I place norse curse on them.

Sure, makes sense.

Then bad things start to happen.

Sam falls down the stairs,

and the curse makes me
light the gazebo on fire.

Now, the opening approaches,
the curse only grows stronger.

Come on. Curses aren't real, right?

We're stuck in an endless purgatory.

We saw a guy go down on us
a couple weeks ago.

And curses is where you draw the line?

- Okay.
- Those are some valid arguments.

Thor, you got to go tell Sam about this.

It's pointless.

Curse cannot be erased.

Plus, if we tell Sam,
she might take TV away.

You see that blistering in the wood?

Termites.

Unfortunately.

- Yup. Termites love oak.
- Actually, I think that's pine.

Pine? Are you some kind of idiot, Stuart?
Look at the grain.

Is this something that needs
to be taken care of right away?

It's just, our first guests
arrive in a couple days.

You don't need to tent today,

but I wouldn't put this off
for too much longer.

Hey, how's my boy Pete doing, huh?

Hello.

Oh, okay, I get it.

You're too good to talk
to a cholera ghost.

Well, ia-di-da.

Have there been any updates
on the Nigel front?

No, no.

No, sadly.

Ever since our awkward conversation
where he tried to take things in a more

romantic direction, and I...

Responded by running away
through a wall, mm-hmm.

Yes, ever since that, we haven't spoken.

I think he's avoiding me.

I probably blew it.

Don't think like that, Isaac.

You're letting fear lead you.
You need to go for

what you want.
You only have one afterlife.

Do not sacrifice your shot.

Please tell me you're not
quoting that musical Hamilton.

Incorrectly, I might add.

I am, and I am deeply sorry,
but it was just so inspirational.

[Sighs] Oh, god. I wish Sam
never had shown us that.

But you're right.

I have. I have spent
the last two centuries

letting fear rule me.

It must come to a stop.

I'm gonna go tell Nigel how I feel.

This is a very important moment, Isaac.

I'm honored to be here
bearing witness to it.

In the room where things are happening.

- Oh, my god. Please.
- I'm sorry.

- —No, just stop.
- I will. I'll try.

So catchy. [Chuckles]

You're not gonna believe this,
but Josh and leeanne just canceled.

Our guests? Really?

Oh, it gets so much worse.

They say they found
another b and b that is nearby,

that is much nicer and cheaper

and has a pickleball court.

The farnsbys.

That's right. We turned down
their buyout offer,

so they opened a rival b and b
to drive us out of business.

They're sociopaths.

They're calling it the farnsby & b.

[Laughing] The farnsby & b.
That's a clever name.

But also awful of them to do.

But, geez, pretty darn clever.

[Henry] Welcome to the farnsby & b.

We are just returning your tin.
Thank you for the lemon bars.

Do you have time for a quick word?

We're a little busy.

We are hosting the most lovely
couple from erie, pa.

Josh and leeanne.

I believe you may have heard of them.

Come on, man. What are you doing?
This is crazy.

If your point is, it's annoying
to have a bustling business

in your backyard, then yes, we empathize.

Although, if you like,
my offer still stands.

We are not selling you our place.

Well, then, game on.

And this is a game you cannot win
because we don't need to make money.

We can beat your prices and bleed you dry.

Holy Toledo, you can see me?

[Henry] And without an income,

how long can you two really hold out?

Because we can do this a long time.
We are loving this newhart life.

[Margaret sighs]

Oh, hello. Henry,
Josh needs the Wi-Fi password.

Again? This is the fourth time.

I mean, no problem.
I live for helping my guests.

[Josh] Hey, I think the batteries
in the TV remote are dead.

Well, then go outside. It's lovely.

I mean, one minute, dear customer.

You two can see yourselves out.

Hey. Did the actor from bedtime for bonzo
really become president in the '80s?

I'm sorry, we have to go.

Wait a minute, who are you talking to?

Do they have ghosts, too? So creepy.

What? I'm just referring to the situation,
not you in particular,

whoever you are.

Uh, very sorry for your loss of yourself.

Knock, knock. Anybody home?

Oh, Jenkins.

- I'm sorry, I was looking for Nigel.
- Oh, you haven't heard.

Heard what?

I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

as I know the two of you
have grown quite close,

but Nigel...

Is no longer with us.

You mean...

He got sucked off.

Hey, ghosts, we're home.

[Samantha] Hey, team.

Oh, man. I wish they'd stop
walking over that.

Yeah, that pine's not looking good.

Oh, again with the pine?

Are you trying to piss me off, Stuart?

- Look, I'm not an expert...
- No!

The only thing you're an expert at
is giving people cholera!

Well, just got an e-mail from the Millers.

They're canceling for next week.

[Thorfinn] Oh, boy.

- You got to tell them about it, Thor.
- Any guesses on where they're booked now?

I'm gonna go with farnsby & b.

[Laughs] It's like the b and b,
but with their name.

I don't get it.

[Clears his throat] Sam.

I have something to tell you.

Long time ago, when you first move in, uh,

I may have put a curse on you and Jay.

- Excuse me?
- Yeah.

It was to prevent you from ever
opening up a bed-and-breakfast.

[Scoffs] Okay, small update.

Thor apparently placed a norse curse on us
to stop us from opening the b and b.

Are you serious?

Okay, I'm gonna jump on
the skeptic side here.

I don't think Thor's curses work.

Of course, anything's possible.

Okay, so assuming the curse is even real...

Whoa, whoa, babe, a little
bit more definitive, please.

Hey, norse gods, just to be clear,

we believe you have powers,

so... love and respect.

Yeah, you never want to poke a curse.
Just makes it angry.

Fine. Thor?

[Sighs] How do we even break the curse?

There is one way.

But it involves boiling
ingredients in cauldron.

And ingredients impossible to come by.

Requires sailing
to distant lands to procure.

Thor's saying we'd have to travel
to distant lands to get stuff.

So what would we need to get?

Hesitant to even say.

That is how futile this knowledge will be.

One pound...

- Sugar.
- Oy gevalt.

Oh, oh, sugar? Like, regular sugar?

Entire pound. Did you not hear?

And that's not all. Also need
rare spice from faraway land.

One pinch worth more than 30 horses.

Goes by name of...

Cinnamon.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, child.

Yeah, I think we'll be all right.

Okay, babe. Pound of sugar
and a cinnamon shaker.

Why even open bed-and-breakfast?

[Sell cinnamon and live like kings!
Uaughs]

So what's the procedure, Thor?

You'll take sugar and cinnamon,
put in boiling water.

I'll say incantation, and then we wait.

How long do we wait?

50 years.

No, just a little curse—breaking humor.

Curse break immediately. It's good.

So? How did everything go?

Uh, it's fine. I don't really
want to talk about it right now.

All right, well, here we go.

Uh, hold off. Is this gonna
reverse the bad things

that happened as a result of the curse?

Or is just gonna stop

more bad things from happening
in the future?

Interesting curse question.

Again, never had this much sugar,
so it's... hard to say.

Wait, why are you asking, alberta?

Well... Thor said
the curse made Sam fall down the stairs.

Which is the thing that
gave her the ability to see us.

Y'all get where I'm going with this?

Oh, boy, you're not pouring the sugar.
Why are you not pouring the sugar?

The ghosts are saying this could result
in me not being able to see them.

What? For real?

They say there's a chance.

[Thorfinn] Very small chance, like...

Size of Jay's forearm, so should be fine.

Yeah, it actually doesn't
make any logical sense that

the effects would be reversed,
so I think you're good.

[Ghosts clamoring in agreement]

You'll be fine.

Okay, they think it's okay.

Mm. By "okay," you mean you will continue
to see dead people wherever we go.

- Yes.
- Oh, thank god.

Okay, let's do this.

W-Wait.

Um...

I-I recently learned

that you should say things
to people before it's too late.

So even if this isn't goodbye,

I think I speak for us all
when I say, Sam,

you have changed our afterlives
for the better.

And we are forever grateful.

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

Thank you, guys.

And please finish my biography!

You have really dropped the ball on that.

Okay. You may proceed.

Wait! Just in case, I, too,

just want to say, that it has
been a true honor knowing you.

You arrived here a stranger
with harlot hair,

but you have won my heart

and become...

Like a daughter... with harlot hair.

- I'd also like to say something.
- I did say I spoke for us all.

- Just a reminder.
- He did.

Sam...

You can be a part of my troop any day.

Also, please tell Jay
I love him and that Mark sucks

and he shouldn't be friends
with him anymore.

Thorfinn want to thank you
for giving me viking funeral.

Sorry for putting curse on you.

You can't be mad 'cause I said sorry.

Oh, Sam!

- If this is goodbye...
- Okay, so the floodgates are just open.

I'm gonna miss you.

And I forgive you for not solving
my murder,

although I guess you could still
keep working on it.

Oh, and if you make any progress,
just stand in the middle of the room

and just tell me. I'll be here.

Thank you for everything, Sam.

For helping me tell my story.

Oh, and also for making
all those pepperoni pizzas.

Please keep doing that.

[Chuckles softly]

[Trevor] Hey, Sam, thank you
for being a true friend.

I'll be here, watching your life.

And when you die, god willing,
you'll become a ghost.

And I don't even care
how old you get first.

I know you'll keep it tight.

- There it is.
- Mm.

Sam, you're the best thing
that's happened to me since shrooms.

Which did lead to my death.

But which then led to you.

Thanks, shrooms.

Thank you.

Thank all of you.

All done?

Great, can we break this thing?

I can't do this.

Yeah, I couldn't hear
anything they were saying,

but your face says it all.

If there is even a small chance
that this could make them

all go away, then I don't want
to take that chance.

So... we're gonna live with a curse?

The curse might not even be real.
We don't know!

I mean, Pete got shot with an arrow.
Is he cursed?

The truth is life is going to throw
obstacles in our way,

but you know what?
We will take them as they come.

I mean...

We can treat the termites.

- We can replace an old chandelier...
- Okay.

Yes, but what are we gonna do
about the farnsby & b?

We can't compete with them, Sam.

Their place is way nicer,
they can charge next to nothing.

They're beating us at our own game.

Then maybe

we need to beat them at their own game.

[Overlapping conversations]

Pickleball, I'm...
I'm talking about pickleball.

It was so unclear, babe.

[Jay] Okay, here's the deal.
You're running the b and b

to put us out of business,
but we know you hate it.

- What? We love it.
- It's so much fun.

Oh, by the way, we need to pick up
some more hand soap for leeanne and Josh.

What are they doing, eating it?

Okay, fine, we don't love it.

And frankly it's even
ruining newhart for me.

I feel like I'm at work
now when I watch it.

So why don't we settle this
b and b feud once and for all?

One game of pickleball
for all the marbles.

You win and we sell you
our place and leave town.

- [All three] What?
- Ah-ah-ah. Don't worry, remember?

- Jay's a ringer.
- [Samantha] We win,

and you close down farnsby & b for good.

[Laughs] You think you can beat us?

At pickleball? The reigning b-league
mixed doubles seniors champions?

- Is that good?
- I can't tell.

Fine. You've got a deal.

Our court is closed until may,
so we'll play at the country club.

Wait, you belong to a
pickleball country club?

Is it just pickleball or is there golf?
I have a lot of follow-up questions.

The only question that matters will be
answered on the court this afternoon.

Come along, Margaret.

Is there a dress code?

Here we go.

Looking forward to owning your
house at a fair-market price.

Looking forward
to putting you out of business.

- [Pete] They're back.
- [Hetty] Here they come.

Well, how did it go?

Well, it didn't start out great.

Zero, zero, two!

[Grunts]

Aha! [Laughs]

The rare pickle ace!

- This is way harder in real life.
- What?

"Real life"? What does that mean?

It turns out Jay hasn't actually
been playing pickleball.

He's been playing a pickleball video game.

[Jay] It's basically the same thing.

It's a simulator.

It's the same reason I can land a 747.

[Samantha] Jay, we bet the house!

Would you bet the house on landing a 747?

I mean, if it came to that,
there'd be a lot more

on the line than a house.

So what happened? Did y'all win?

Well, it was neck and neck,
back and forth,

and then...

11, ten, two.

[Grunts] Ow! Ow!

- Henry!
- Margaret!

- My back, my back! Oh, get the icyhot.
- Oh no.

- —Get the icyhot!
- Oh!

- —So forfeit due to injury?
- [Samantha] Yeah, baby!

-We won by default! —[Laughs]

Butawisaw.

But they are shutting down their b and b?

Yeah, Josh and leeanne are
on their way over here

to check in right now.

J“ because they have no other options j“

[cheering, clamoring]

Any chance we could call
this place farnsby & b?

I hate to see that name go to waste.

Oh, like b and b!

That's so clever. [Laughs]

Ah, there you are!

Nigel!

But how are you here?

This doesn't make any sense.

You got sucked off.

You wish I got sucked off.

So you and your bearded floozy

could continue gallivanting
without my knowledge!

What are you talking about?

Not sure what's happening,
but I am here for the drama.

- Oh, I'm right there with you, sass.
- Mm.

I'm talking about you and your lover.

The viking?

I mean, I think you're a great guy,
Isaac...

What?

You think I'm with that brute?

- Hurtful.
- But Jenkins said...

Jenkins told me that you got sucked off!

- What do you think, tacos for dinner?
- [Shushing]

Oh, dear, I think I know what this is.

Well, tell me, Nigel, because I am
thoroughly confused. What is going on?

150 years ago,
Jenkins and I had a brief tryst.

And apparently he's never gotten over it.

So he was lying to both of us,
to keep us apart.

Oh... why would he care
about keeping two buddies apart?

[Chuckles]

Oh. Um.

Sure, Isaac.

Well, I guess I'll just go,
since that's cleared up.

Nigel, wait.

I like you.

- You... like me?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, please don't make me say it again.

Well...

I like you too, Isaac.

[Ghosts giggling softly]

This is so sweet.

I knew. I already knew.
It has been very hard

keeping this secret,
but he already told me.

And I'm sure you all are as shocked
as I was when I first heard.

[Overlapping conversations]

Color me flabbergasted.

What's going on?

- [Doorbell rings]
- [Jay] Oh, my god.

That must be them. It's our first guests!

Babe, we made it!

Yes, suck on that, curse!

Whoa! Hey, are you nuts?

Hey, norse gods, that was just a joke.

You know Sam, she's, like,
the loki of the house.

Again, it's probably not even real.
And even if it is, it's okay.

The curse was to prevent us
from opening the b and b.

Now we're open. We won.

[Jay chuckles] I guess, yeah.

- You ready?
- Let's do this.

[Both] Welcome to woodstone b and b.

[Floor creaking, cracking]

Babe...?

[All shouting, clamoring]

[Alberta] Oh! Oh, my god!

[Samantha] It's all good.
It's just an old house!

It's not a curse. [Chuckles]

Enjoy your stay!

Oh, hey, Pete.

Oh. Hey, Nancy.

Stop flirting, it's not happening, geez.