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1
00:00:46,544 --> 00:00:48,739
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
2
00:00:58,104 --> 00:01:00,299
17, 18, 19, 20...
3
00:01:15,104 --> 00:01:16,253
What?
4
00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:20,096
Whoa!
5
00:01:34,064 --> 00:01:36,498
You ruined my plane! You weirdo!
6
00:01:36,584 --> 00:01:40,702
- You were violating my airspace.
- We're trying to have fun.
7
00:01:40,784 --> 00:01:44,333
Grow up. Girls should
be stewardesses, not pilots.
8
00:01:45,464 --> 00:01:47,455
Good evening.
9
00:01:51,984 --> 00:01:53,417
57, 58...
10
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:55,859
Oh, well. What's the difference?
11
00:01:55,944 --> 00:01:59,175
- One, two, three, four, five, six...
- Watch it!
12
00:02:07,984 --> 00:02:08,984
Hey!
13
00:02:09,024 --> 00:02:11,743
Stupid jogger! Out of my way!
14
00:02:11,824 --> 00:02:13,780
Watch it, slimebucket.
15
00:02:13,864 --> 00:02:16,776
Sorry. Is my fault, officer.
16
00:02:16,864 --> 00:02:19,173
Please, be my guest.
17
00:02:28,864 --> 00:02:31,662
Nyet! Our orders are to take him alive.
18
00:02:31,744 --> 00:02:33,575
We will get him later.
19
00:02:42,064 --> 00:02:45,215
Commie, you lose
the arms race and the foot race.
20
00:02:48,344 --> 00:02:50,733
Please slow down!
21
00:02:50,824 --> 00:02:54,612
This is typical! You Russkies
always have to cheat to win.
22
00:02:54,704 --> 00:02:59,095
- No. Please, you have to help me!
- Communists are beyond help!
23
00:02:59,184 --> 00:03:02,574
Those men, they are trying to kill me!
24
00:03:02,664 --> 00:03:05,019
- Good for them!
- God bless America!
25
00:03:07,504 --> 00:03:12,862
- Now you're hitting below the belt.
- Oh, no. No, please. Please.
26
00:03:12,944 --> 00:03:15,777
- This better not be a trick.
- Is no trick.
27
00:03:15,864 --> 00:03:17,263
Come on.
28
00:03:17,344 --> 00:03:19,858
OK. Thank you.
29
00:03:19,944 --> 00:03:23,254
The embassy says
this is Professor Vronsky.
30
00:03:23,344 --> 00:03:25,380
Da! That's who I am.
31
00:03:25,464 --> 00:03:29,139
If he's a professor,
how come his English isn't better?
32
00:03:29,224 --> 00:03:34,582
- Professor, do you know these men?
- I am sure they were the KGB.
33
00:03:34,664 --> 00:03:38,134
I escaped from Soviet Union
three months ago.
34
00:03:38,224 --> 00:03:43,252
But I am not nuclear scientist,
I am humble agronomist.
35
00:03:43,344 --> 00:03:46,495
You must be valuable.
They want to get you back.
36
00:03:46,584 --> 00:03:50,782
Have you got unpaid bills? Charge
too much on Russian Express?
37
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:54,220
- Captain, we should call the CIA.
- No. No.
38
00:03:54,304 --> 00:03:58,536
The CIA could have the spies
from the KGB.
39
00:03:58,624 --> 00:04:01,092
You can't trust 'em - CIA, KGB, IRS.
40
00:04:01,184 --> 00:04:05,462
No, no. The only one I trust is Y-O-U.
41
00:04:05,544 --> 00:04:11,380
The Professor is flying to Springfield
for a top-level government conference.
42
00:04:11,464 --> 00:04:16,299
That's two changes of planes.
Airports could mean trouble, sir.
43
00:04:16,384 --> 00:04:22,061
- She's right. They lose your luggage.
- I must get to Springfield safely.
44
00:04:22,144 --> 00:04:26,899
Captain, we can get the professor
to Springfield without using a plane.
45
00:04:26,984 --> 00:04:30,579
We'll use transportation
that no one uses any more.
46
00:04:30,664 --> 00:04:33,861
We'll take a stagecoach.
I'll ride shotgun.
47
00:04:33,944 --> 00:04:38,699
- No, Hammer. I mean the train.
- Excellent idea, Doreau.
48
00:04:38,784 --> 00:04:42,618
Cooped up in a caboose
with a crummy commie!
49
00:04:45,184 --> 00:04:49,462
'The Stargazer
to Phoenix, Denver and Springfield
50
00:04:49,544 --> 00:04:51,500
'now leaving on track four. '
51
00:04:54,704 --> 00:04:59,255
OK. You're safe now.
Absolutely no one knows you're here.
52
00:04:59,344 --> 00:05:02,461
- Professor Vronsky!
- Get 'em up!
53
00:05:02,544 --> 00:05:06,173
No! Inspector Hammer,
this is Dr Johanssen.
54
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:09,973
From the university.
She is speaking at the conference.
55
00:05:10,064 --> 00:05:13,374
- I'm from Oklahoma.
- Why are you on this train?
56
00:05:13,464 --> 00:05:15,455
I'm afraid of flying.
57
00:05:15,544 --> 00:05:19,332
I'm not afraid of anything...
except world peace.
58
00:05:19,424 --> 00:05:22,143
Sara, where are you sitting?
59
00:05:22,224 --> 00:05:27,856
I had a berth three cars down but,
apparently, the train is overbooked.
60
00:05:27,944 --> 00:05:32,335
- I wish we could give berth to you...
- I have room. Share with me.
61
00:05:32,424 --> 00:05:35,700
Oh, thank you. You're very kind.
62
00:05:35,784 --> 00:05:38,901
- This way, please.
- I'll see you, Professor.
63
00:05:44,624 --> 00:05:48,936
I knew the railroad needed
passengers, but this is ridiculous.
64
00:05:49,024 --> 00:05:54,382
- I hate to think I'm sharing with a cow.
- I vowed I'd never do it again.
65
00:05:56,584 --> 00:05:59,257
- What do you mean, again?
- I told you I was married.
66
00:05:59,344 --> 00:06:03,576
I'm sorry about this, but they loaded
this cattle car on by mistake.
67
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:08,294
- It was supposed to be eastbound.
- At least we'll have fresh milk.
68
00:06:08,384 --> 00:06:09,658
Easy, big fella.
69
00:06:12,944 --> 00:06:14,900
Here we are.
70
00:06:20,624 --> 00:06:21,898
Hi.
71
00:06:21,984 --> 00:06:25,135
- Put some clothes on.
- Why should I?
72
00:06:26,384 --> 00:06:28,614
Let me get back to you on that.
73
00:06:29,984 --> 00:06:32,737
This is your compartment, sir.
74
00:06:39,184 --> 00:06:41,140
Ladies, please.
75
00:06:42,384 --> 00:06:44,340
Have a nice trip.
76
00:06:46,864 --> 00:06:49,537
- What's wrong?
- I have claustrophobia.
77
00:06:49,624 --> 00:06:53,299
I have spent ten years
in cramped little room like this.
78
00:06:55,544 --> 00:06:59,423
- You were in prison?
- No. Luxury condo in Moscow.
79
00:06:59,504 --> 00:07:01,938
Oh, I must get some air.
80
00:07:02,984 --> 00:07:06,897
No! No way. If I let you out there,
you might get kidnapped.
81
00:07:06,984 --> 00:07:09,896
You want your picture
on a carton of borscht?
82
00:07:09,984 --> 00:07:11,940
No, no. You're right.
83
00:07:12,984 --> 00:07:15,100
I must stay in compartment.
84
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:18,017
But there are only two
things that relax me.
85
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:22,416
- One is chess.
- What's the other one?
86
00:07:22,504 --> 00:07:23,983
Sex.
87
00:07:26,144 --> 00:07:29,978
You will enjoy chess. It's good for nerves.
88
00:07:30,064 --> 00:07:32,897
When I became a cop,
I had my nerves removed.
89
00:07:43,104 --> 00:07:46,335
Oh, look at those lines.
90
00:07:47,824 --> 00:07:51,703
That is one well put-together
piece of machinery.
91
00:07:54,304 --> 00:07:56,499
- Rimsky.
- Korsakov.
92
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:59,694
Come in, Comrade Parkovitch.
93
00:08:01,864 --> 00:08:06,335
Since you botched the
kidnapping, I've been sent to oversee you.
94
00:08:06,424 --> 00:08:10,383
I will make sure Professor
does not reach Springfield.
95
00:08:10,464 --> 00:08:14,503
We will have him off the train
by the time we get to Phoenix.
96
00:08:14,584 --> 00:08:19,374
I hope so, for your sake.
Meanwhile, put these on.
97
00:08:21,264 --> 00:08:24,540
With these decadent bourgeois jackets,
you can move around
98
00:08:24,624 --> 00:08:27,184
without arousing suspicion.
99
00:08:27,264 --> 00:08:29,459
Practise being American waiters.
100
00:08:31,264 --> 00:08:33,619
How many in your party?
101
00:08:33,704 --> 00:08:35,934
30 million in Communist Party.
102
00:08:38,424 --> 00:08:41,575
Comrade, are we not all equal
under communism?
103
00:08:41,664 --> 00:08:43,416
You're right. Forgive me.
104
00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:48,662
Two men sitting across a chess board.
105
00:08:48,744 --> 00:08:51,656
We are not so different from each other.
106
00:08:52,704 --> 00:08:56,663
You forget, pal, I was born in the USA.
107
00:08:59,144 --> 00:09:01,100
Crown me.
108
00:09:02,544 --> 00:09:05,616
I am still not quite
used to your American customs.
109
00:09:05,704 --> 00:09:10,220
Like freedom of speech and the right
to bear arms? Things you don't have.
110
00:09:10,304 --> 00:09:13,455
Russian people are
victims of their leaders.
111
00:09:13,544 --> 00:09:16,342
- Just like you Americans.
- Shut up.
112
00:09:16,424 --> 00:09:20,258
Don't confuse me.
Hey, let's play a game I like, huh?
113
00:09:21,504 --> 00:09:23,699
- Target practice.
- What is that?
114
00:09:23,784 --> 00:09:27,140
It's a target.
What, you never saw a target before?
115
00:09:27,224 --> 00:09:31,661
Oh. In Russia we practise
by shooting the dissidents.
116
00:09:31,744 --> 00:09:34,736
Well, here we call 'em liberals.
117
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:38,897
If you don't mind, Inspector,
I'm too nervous to play.
118
00:09:38,984 --> 00:09:41,657
Fine. OK. All right.
119
00:09:42,664 --> 00:09:44,416
Red square.
120
00:09:46,664 --> 00:09:48,894
It's stuffy. I must get some air.
121
00:09:51,304 --> 00:09:53,738
You're right. It is stuffy in here.
122
00:10:00,064 --> 00:10:03,534
I'm gonna go out and check and
see if it's safe for you to get some air.
123
00:10:28,144 --> 00:10:29,623
From the limo!
124
00:10:31,744 --> 00:10:34,019
This is gonna be easy.
125
00:10:48,584 --> 00:10:50,017
Hey.
126
00:10:53,144 --> 00:10:55,783
No! Who are you?
127
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,253
Hammer. Sledge Hammer.
128
00:10:58,344 --> 00:11:02,337
This is the last car, Scumsky.
I'm sending you back to Russia.
129
00:11:02,424 --> 00:11:06,781
Then after a long vacation in Siberia,
130
00:11:06,864 --> 00:11:12,222
you'll return to peasant life,
settle down with your 300-pound fiancee
131
00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:15,216
and go back to your job
in the cement factory.
132
00:11:15,304 --> 00:11:18,580
- No!
- Are you afraid of a little work?
133
00:11:18,664 --> 00:11:20,620
Lazy commie!
134
00:11:21,664 --> 00:11:23,620
So much for glasnost.
135
00:11:34,504 --> 00:11:37,064
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
136
00:11:41,264 --> 00:11:44,700
The tracks are messy,
but the coast is clear... Vronsky...
137
00:11:44,784 --> 00:11:46,217
Vronsky?
138
00:11:46,304 --> 00:11:48,056
Oh, God!
139
00:11:59,664 --> 00:12:03,100
- What are you doing?
- I lost my ticket.
140
00:12:03,184 --> 00:12:07,018
- Where did you see it last?
- In the professor's pocket.
141
00:12:07,104 --> 00:12:11,302
- You didn't lose the professor?
- Do you know where he is?
142
00:12:11,384 --> 00:12:12,737
- No.
- OK.
143
00:12:12,824 --> 00:12:15,497
I saved him last time,
now it's your turn.
144
00:12:19,144 --> 00:12:21,817
Sorry, Professor. That was reflex.
145
00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:29,223
I had to get some fresh air.
146
00:12:29,304 --> 00:12:32,102
From now on, no one takes their eyes
off the professor.
147
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:34,493
Don't worry, Doreau. I've got him.
148
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,380
Ah! Ooh!
149
00:12:39,464 --> 00:12:43,423
- Keep this up, I'll put you in a choke hold.
- My place at eight?
150
00:12:43,504 --> 00:12:46,621
- The professor's gone.
- You're right.
151
00:12:46,704 --> 00:12:49,821
We have to wait till the next tunnel
to get him back.
152
00:12:56,784 --> 00:12:58,536
Excuse me.
153
00:13:07,904 --> 00:13:09,860
- Weren't you next door?
- No.
154
00:13:09,944 --> 00:13:12,299
We're going to a twins' convention.
155
00:13:13,424 --> 00:13:15,938
What's next, the Twilight Zone?
156
00:13:23,864 --> 00:13:25,616
Funny place for stop sign.
157
00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:29,538
Someone must be trying
to get the professor off the train.
158
00:13:29,624 --> 00:13:31,615
This is getting exciting, isn't it?
159
00:13:31,704 --> 00:13:34,172
- What are you doing?
- Nothing. I just...
160
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:38,098
Tell the conductor to get going.
I'll find the professor.
161
00:13:46,104 --> 00:13:47,856
Get back!
162
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:53,738
Come in.
163
00:13:58,024 --> 00:13:59,457
Oh!
164
00:14:07,624 --> 00:14:09,979
As I thought. "Calvin Khruschev".
165
00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:19,892
Hey. This is no time to floss.
166
00:14:34,704 --> 00:14:37,855
- Hammer.
- They are desperate men.
167
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,014
They want to drag me back to Russia.
168
00:14:40,104 --> 00:14:42,982
Well, misery loves company.
169
00:14:43,064 --> 00:14:46,534
I was beginning to worry.
Care to join me for dinner?
170
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:48,262
- Da.
- Not me.
171
00:14:48,344 --> 00:14:52,417
I'm gonna catch that commie and make him
play Russian roulette the hard way,
172
00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:54,893
with a bullet in every chamber.
173
00:14:54,984 --> 00:14:59,023
Hammer? Don't you think
our first priority is the professor?
174
00:15:00,184 --> 00:15:03,779
All right. I'll eat.
I hate to kill on an empty stomach.
175
00:15:03,864 --> 00:15:07,334
But this time I'm taking no chances.
176
00:15:10,584 --> 00:15:14,054
Inspector Hammer, is this really necessary?
177
00:15:18,904 --> 00:15:20,496
Let's go.
178
00:15:20,584 --> 00:15:23,576
Wait. This is... No, here.
179
00:15:26,064 --> 00:15:29,181
You've... No, you're... Come on...
180
00:15:30,784 --> 00:15:33,218
Don't worry. I got the key.
181
00:15:37,184 --> 00:15:39,493
- Ah!
- Sorry.
182
00:15:40,784 --> 00:15:42,615
Oh!
183
00:15:42,704 --> 00:15:45,855
It's gotta be here somewhere.
184
00:15:48,344 --> 00:15:50,653
Hammer.
185
00:15:51,984 --> 00:15:54,214
Excuse me. Excuse me!
186
00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:04,700
Why don't we go eat?
187
00:16:04,784 --> 00:16:06,217
Well...
188
00:16:09,304 --> 00:16:11,898
All right. We'll look for it later.
189
00:16:11,984 --> 00:16:15,818
But I'm gonna stick closer to you
than a wet T-shirt.
190
00:16:15,904 --> 00:16:18,259
Oh, thank you, Inspector Hammer.
191
00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:21,302
What is this? From Russia With Love?
192
00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:34,540
Professor, I don't understand why
the Russians want you back so badly.
193
00:16:34,624 --> 00:16:38,537
You didn't invent anything
that could destroy America.
194
00:16:41,384 --> 00:16:45,935
There's no need. Hammer could
destroy America all by himself.
195
00:16:46,024 --> 00:16:48,094
I have been thinking.
196
00:16:48,184 --> 00:16:51,813
It could be secret project
that I'm working on
197
00:16:51,904 --> 00:16:53,815
called Operation Squash.
198
00:16:53,904 --> 00:16:56,498
Operation Squash? Sounds disgusting.
199
00:16:56,584 --> 00:17:00,054
- They'd make us all eat squash?
- No, Inspector.
200
00:17:00,144 --> 00:17:05,662
Operation Squash is a plan to remove
all the nitrogen from your soil.
201
00:17:06,824 --> 00:17:09,622
America's farm industry would collapse.
202
00:17:09,704 --> 00:17:11,899
It's collapsing with nitrogen.
203
00:17:11,984 --> 00:17:14,339
If Operation Squash succeeds,
204
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:19,179
Russia will control
the entire world's food supply.
205
00:17:19,264 --> 00:17:21,459
I've had my supply. I'm stuffed.
206
00:17:25,064 --> 00:17:27,532
Take it easy, will you? Look at this.
207
00:17:27,624 --> 00:17:33,017
There are people starving in Siberia
and you're playing with your food. Come on.
208
00:17:53,904 --> 00:17:55,860
Wait. Wait.
209
00:17:57,104 --> 00:17:59,334
Logic must prevail.
210
00:17:59,424 --> 00:18:01,733
Let me think.
211
00:18:03,464 --> 00:18:05,216
It is...
212
00:18:06,344 --> 00:18:08,460
It is impossible.
213
00:18:09,584 --> 00:18:12,337
- Night, Sara.
- Goodnight. Thanks again.
214
00:18:33,824 --> 00:18:37,214
Da. Is good. Goodnight.
215
00:18:43,544 --> 00:18:45,500
Maybe we...
216
00:18:46,544 --> 00:18:50,059
- Excuse me a moment.
- Slowly, Professor.
217
00:19:47,304 --> 00:19:49,613
You two are animals!
218
00:19:49,704 --> 00:19:51,660
Whoa!
219
00:19:53,624 --> 00:19:56,013
Capitalist fool!
220
00:19:56,104 --> 00:20:00,495
You are like everything made
in the USA - cheap, shoddy, worthless!
221
00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:02,779
OK, lady. That tears it.
222
00:20:02,864 --> 00:20:05,424
Insult me, but don't insult
the American worker!
223
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:07,654
All right. Stand up.
224
00:20:07,744 --> 00:20:10,941
- Why? You'll shoot me and I'll fall down.
- Ha!
225
00:20:15,984 --> 00:20:17,417
Whoa... Ooh!
226
00:20:27,144 --> 00:20:30,181
All right, Hammer.
This is where you get off.
227
00:20:50,504 --> 00:20:52,620
Hammer?
228
00:20:53,664 --> 00:20:56,224
What is going on?
229
00:20:57,784 --> 00:20:59,740
Hammer!
230
00:21:04,784 --> 00:21:07,378
- Hammer.
- God!
231
00:21:07,464 --> 00:21:09,341
What is going on?
232
00:21:09,424 --> 00:21:12,541
I have a feeling
that woman isn't from Oklahoma.
233
00:21:24,624 --> 00:21:26,740
OK, Doreau. Cover this exit.
234
00:21:33,264 --> 00:21:34,583
Aah!
235
00:21:46,104 --> 00:21:48,015
No, you...!
236
00:21:56,144 --> 00:21:59,454
Hammer! You just hit an unarmed woman.
237
00:21:59,544 --> 00:22:01,500
That's what you think.
238
00:22:10,904 --> 00:22:14,613
A man! How did you know?
239
00:22:15,664 --> 00:22:18,815
I realised we both used
the same aftershave lotion.
240
00:22:24,264 --> 00:22:29,019
See? That is a good colour on you.
Makes your fingers look much longer.
241
00:22:29,104 --> 00:22:32,096
They'll stop at nothing.
They'll do anything.
242
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:38,623
Incredible. A top agent
dressed as a woman. Clever rascals.
243
00:22:38,704 --> 00:22:42,902
It's gonna be a hot day in Siberia
before you get outta jail, pal...
244
00:22:42,984 --> 00:22:45,293
Or girlie or what do I call him?
245
00:22:45,384 --> 00:22:48,103
- He's not going to jail.
- What do you mean?
246
00:22:48,184 --> 00:22:51,699
The Russians want him back.
They're arranging a swap.
247
00:22:51,784 --> 00:22:56,858
- What do we get? Ballet dancers?
- No. One of our journalists.
248
00:22:56,944 --> 00:22:59,617
Great! As if we don't have enough of them.
249
00:23:00,664 --> 00:23:03,417
- You must be some kind of big shot.
- Yes.
250
00:23:03,504 --> 00:23:05,699
My country spent a fortune on me.
251
00:23:05,784 --> 00:23:11,575
Hormone injections,
electrolysis and wardrobe.
252
00:23:11,664 --> 00:23:15,543
- So you could be a KGB assassin?
- No.
253
00:23:15,624 --> 00:23:20,140
No. They spent it so I could enter
Miss Iron Curtain contest.
254
00:23:22,784 --> 00:23:26,060
They may have a winner.
You don't know.
255
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000
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