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1
00:00:46,384 --> 00:00:48,818
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
2
00:00:58,224 --> 00:01:01,534
'Hammer, ever thought
about taking up meditation?
3
00:01:01,624 --> 00:01:04,297
'It might control
your aggressive tendencies. '
4
00:01:04,384 --> 00:01:08,172
What, are you brain dead?!
5
00:01:08,264 --> 00:01:11,620
- What was that, Doreau?
- Sledge, look, trouble.
6
00:01:11,704 --> 00:01:14,696
Why don't
these deadbeats get jobs?
7
00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:19,175
How long's he been up there?
8
00:01:19,264 --> 00:01:23,576
- Police officer. What's going on?
- That man says he's going to jump.
9
00:01:25,424 --> 00:01:28,461
- I'll get a bullhorn, talk him down.
- I can handle this.
10
00:01:29,224 --> 00:01:30,782
Hammer!
11
00:01:45,584 --> 00:01:49,782
Another life saved.
And I still have one bullet left.
12
00:01:50,464 --> 00:01:56,380
Can we stop at my bank? I'll get some
cash, then you can buy me breakfast.
13
00:02:16,264 --> 00:02:18,414
'Have a nice day. '
14
00:02:21,504 --> 00:02:23,460
This'll just take a second.
15
00:02:29,144 --> 00:02:34,059
'Transaction cannot be processed
at this time due to insufficient funds. '
16
00:02:34,144 --> 00:02:38,137
Listen, sucker,
you need some reprogramming.
17
00:02:39,744 --> 00:02:44,101
Hammer, please! Blowing away
this machine won't solve anything.
18
00:02:44,184 --> 00:02:48,143
Let's go inside and straighten this out
like civil human beings.
19
00:02:51,784 --> 00:02:53,342
Thank you.
20
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,297
'Ouch!'
21
00:02:58,384 --> 00:03:02,172
I'm saying this for
the third and last time.
22
00:03:02,264 --> 00:03:04,573
We are foreclosing on your home.
23
00:03:04,664 --> 00:03:08,543
You have three days to pack up
and vacate said premises.
24
00:03:10,744 --> 00:03:12,700
What are you? Deaf?
25
00:03:16,704 --> 00:03:20,538
Oh, and don't forget
your free banking bunny.
26
00:03:20,624 --> 00:03:23,058
Now, remember, three days.
27
00:03:28,904 --> 00:03:31,213
How may I help you?
28
00:03:31,304 --> 00:03:36,219
Well, Hal 9000 out there tells me I have
insufficient funds in my account.
29
00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,734
- It's screwed up.
- I'm sorry, sir.
30
00:03:38,824 --> 00:03:44,217
- Those machines never make mistakes.
- Look, I made a deposit two days ago.
31
00:03:44,304 --> 00:03:46,420
I want my money!
32
00:03:46,504 --> 00:03:49,416
All right, sir, I'll check it out.
33
00:03:51,144 --> 00:03:53,977
Your friend's high strung, isn't he?
34
00:03:54,064 --> 00:03:56,373
Your name, please.
35
00:03:56,464 --> 00:04:00,503
- Sledge Hammer.
- Sledge... Hammer.
36
00:04:00,584 --> 00:04:03,098
Where were you born? A tool shed?
37
00:04:04,584 --> 00:04:07,542
You think that's funny?
You can do better than that.
38
00:04:07,624 --> 00:04:10,377
I'm not as easy an audience
as the old lady
39
00:04:10,464 --> 00:04:12,853
so go ahead, make me laugh
40
00:04:12,944 --> 00:04:14,855
or I'll have you in stitches!
41
00:04:14,944 --> 00:04:19,381
Hammer, let him go.
Remember what I said - civil human being.
42
00:04:23,264 --> 00:04:26,859
All right, I do want
one of those bank bunnies.
43
00:04:26,944 --> 00:04:29,412
Freeze! This is a hold-up!
44
00:04:29,504 --> 00:04:32,257
Put your hands on your head
or I'll blow 'em away,
45
00:04:32,344 --> 00:04:36,098
then you'll have no place
to put your hands!
46
00:04:43,264 --> 00:04:45,220
Back up! Back up!
47
00:04:47,864 --> 00:04:49,422
Come on!
48
00:04:50,344 --> 00:04:54,656
Hey, kid, I thought I told you
to put your hands on top of your head.
49
00:04:54,744 --> 00:04:57,702
I can't, mister,
I'm holding my piggy bank.
50
00:04:59,904 --> 00:05:03,738
- Mom!
- Now you're not holding nothin'!
51
00:05:04,744 --> 00:05:07,781
That yoghurt-sucking mutant!
52
00:05:07,864 --> 00:05:10,298
I'm gonna close his account.
53
00:05:10,384 --> 00:05:13,057
- Get outta my way!
- I'll have that.
54
00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:17,776
My gun was in that purse.
55
00:05:19,264 --> 00:05:21,824
- Move over!
- Come on, Cliff, hurry up!
56
00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:25,692
I thought I told you
not to use first names, Lou!
57
00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,740
Er... sorry.
58
00:05:29,344 --> 00:05:32,302
Hammer, hold off! There are two of them.
59
00:05:33,144 --> 00:05:36,420
You're right.
And I only have one bullet left.
60
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:40,497
But don't ever touch my hand
when I'm going for my gun!
61
00:05:41,584 --> 00:05:45,020
Only a very disturbed person
would say something like that.
62
00:05:45,104 --> 00:05:48,779
Hey, look, pal, huh?
Spending money for Rio!
63
00:05:53,264 --> 00:05:57,223
- We gotta do something.
- I know. My arms are cramping up.
64
00:05:58,704 --> 00:06:01,741
Must be a silent alarm
around here somewhere.
65
00:06:18,624 --> 00:06:20,580
Hit the silent alarm.
66
00:06:21,144 --> 00:06:23,100
Hit the silent alarm!
67
00:06:45,944 --> 00:06:48,504
Why don't you hit the silent alarm?
68
00:06:52,544 --> 00:06:55,616
Because we don't have a silent alarm, sir.
69
00:06:58,464 --> 00:07:00,216
Get outta the way!
70
00:07:03,264 --> 00:07:06,142
Cops. And they're multiplying.
71
00:07:14,544 --> 00:07:17,342
Wow! How'd they get here so fast?
72
00:07:17,424 --> 00:07:21,133
There's a doughnut shop
around the corner.
73
00:07:29,104 --> 00:07:31,493
All right, brief me on the situation.
74
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:34,337
Two gunmen are holding
about a dozen hostages
75
00:07:34,424 --> 00:07:37,382
and I think
Inspector Sledge Hammer's inside.
76
00:07:37,464 --> 00:07:40,661
- Why do you say that?
- Isn't that his car?
77
00:07:41,824 --> 00:07:44,975
That's it, all right.
Oh, those poor people!
78
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:48,022
- The hostages, sir?
- No, the robbers.
79
00:07:48,984 --> 00:07:54,456
Here, folks, is the man
who set off the alarm.
80
00:07:55,944 --> 00:07:58,697
- A regular hero.
- Oh, I wouldn't call myself a hero.
81
00:07:58,784 --> 00:08:01,503
- That's a word that's bandied about...
- Shut up.
82
00:08:01,584 --> 00:08:06,578
- You might just say concerned citizen.
- Look, I'm just itching to blow you away.
83
00:08:06,664 --> 00:08:10,657
- I know the feeling.
- So don't push me!
84
00:08:10,744 --> 00:08:15,056
Or you'll pay, understand? Now, say yes.
No! Say, "Yes, sir."
85
00:08:17,304 --> 00:08:19,260
Yes...
86
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,504
sir.
87
00:08:34,224 --> 00:08:38,183
Dori Doreau, it didn't count.
I had my fingers crossed!
88
00:08:39,024 --> 00:08:41,697
How's it coming with that phone line?
89
00:08:42,624 --> 00:08:44,580
We're hooked up, sir.
90
00:08:50,424 --> 00:08:56,340
No! I want golden boy to answer it.
He's gonna be my new secretary.
91
00:08:56,424 --> 00:09:01,498
- My shorthand isn't really up to snuff...
- Just answer the phone! Pick it up.
92
00:09:03,984 --> 00:09:06,259
2nd National Bank. Hostage speaking.
93
00:09:06,344 --> 00:09:10,542
Hammer, this is Trunk.
Have they hurt anyone?
94
00:09:11,304 --> 00:09:13,738
- No.
- Have YOU hurt anyone?
95
00:09:15,144 --> 00:09:16,577
Not yet.
96
00:09:16,664 --> 00:09:21,101
I don't want you to endanger
any people's lives, you understand me?
97
00:09:21,184 --> 00:09:23,857
Put one of the slimy thugs on.
98
00:09:23,944 --> 00:09:27,254
Slimy thug, it's the police. For you.
99
00:09:28,664 --> 00:09:32,896
- And don't tie it up too long cos...
- Get over there, wise guy!
100
00:09:32,984 --> 00:09:35,179
Yep? What?
101
00:09:35,264 --> 00:09:38,222
Listen, this is Captain Trunk.
102
00:09:38,304 --> 00:09:41,819
Come out and give yourselves up.
Let's end this peacefully.
103
00:09:41,904 --> 00:09:45,613
You think we're fools?
We step outside, you blow us away!
104
00:09:45,704 --> 00:09:49,936
- I saw Dog Day Afternoon.
- 'Listen, that's not gonna happen. '
105
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:54,222
As a show of good faith,
send some of the hostages out.
106
00:09:54,304 --> 00:09:56,056
Great idea
107
00:09:56,144 --> 00:09:59,978
I'll send 'em out. In body bags... pig!
108
00:10:12,544 --> 00:10:15,217
Here's your coffee... sir.
109
00:10:15,304 --> 00:10:17,260
Thanks, sweetheart.
110
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:22,140
This guy is dead meat!
111
00:10:23,064 --> 00:10:26,977
One bullet, two scum-suckers.
Decisions, decisions, huh?
112
00:10:27,064 --> 00:10:29,624
Just have to figure out how to do it.
113
00:10:29,704 --> 00:10:32,537
- Do what?
- Get 'em to stand in single file.
114
00:10:38,384 --> 00:10:41,103
- Hey, mister, I'm hungry.
- I'm hungry, too.
115
00:10:41,184 --> 00:10:46,178
- Yeah, we're hungry, too!
- OK, OK, we'll get some food.
116
00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:49,062
- Everybody like pizza?
- Yeah!
117
00:10:49,144 --> 00:10:52,580
I am actually on
a rather strict macrobiotic diet.
118
00:10:55,224 --> 00:10:59,900
Well, unless it's pepperoni
cos in that case... I love any kind of...
119
00:10:59,984 --> 00:11:03,260
Or.. er... fish. Pizza would be great.
120
00:11:10,264 --> 00:11:12,414
OK, Greg, you know what to do.
121
00:11:16,344 --> 00:11:18,619
- He's clean.
- All right.
122
00:11:18,704 --> 00:11:21,423
Take those pizzas
and put 'em on that desk.
123
00:11:22,864 --> 00:11:25,458
Nice and slow.
124
00:11:56,704 --> 00:12:00,413
We ask for pizza, they send you
a guy with a gun! He's a cop!
125
00:12:00,504 --> 00:12:04,258
Not necessarily.
Competition between pizza joints is fierce.
126
00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:06,300
Shut the heck up.
127
00:12:07,424 --> 00:12:11,895
Get up! Listen, pig, you tell Trunk
we want a plane outta here.
128
00:12:11,984 --> 00:12:15,738
If he doesn't agree in two minutes,
I'm killing somebody.
129
00:12:15,824 --> 00:12:17,735
Now, out!
130
00:12:27,624 --> 00:12:30,184
Now, I need a volunteer.
131
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:35,382
We all know who the volunteer is.
Is there any question? I don't think so.
132
00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,820
Figures our hero would volunteer
to be the first to go!
133
00:12:38,904 --> 00:12:41,976
- What did I tell you?
- I've been waiting to do this all day.
134
00:12:42,064 --> 00:12:44,259
Come on down!
135
00:12:45,144 --> 00:12:50,013
Stop! I'm a police officer.
I should be in that chair, not him.
136
00:12:50,104 --> 00:12:53,779
- Shoot me first.
- Wait a minute, lady, I volunteered.
137
00:12:57,024 --> 00:12:59,982
Huh! Turn around!
138
00:13:01,464 --> 00:13:04,740
- Get in the chair!
- Here's your chance.
139
00:13:04,824 --> 00:13:06,382
Move!
140
00:13:08,064 --> 00:13:14,173
Well, sissy, it looks like this foxy cop
just saved your life.
141
00:13:14,264 --> 00:13:17,620
She's more of a man than you are. Move!
142
00:13:17,704 --> 00:13:20,059
Cover him, cover him. Relax.
143
00:13:52,784 --> 00:13:56,254
Attention in there.
We will meet your demands.
144
00:13:56,344 --> 00:13:58,096
All right!
145
00:13:58,184 --> 00:14:03,304
We're all free! We're on our way to Rio!
You thought I was a fool!
146
00:14:07,544 --> 00:14:11,298
Boy, if this keeps up,
I'm gonna have to take a cold shower!
147
00:14:13,264 --> 00:14:16,222
Hey, where do you think you're going,
sweet-lips?
148
00:14:16,304 --> 00:14:20,456
If there's anything I hate worse
than a cop, it's a chick who's a cop.
149
00:14:20,544 --> 00:14:24,537
- What have you got against cops?
- My old lady was a cop.
150
00:14:24,624 --> 00:14:26,979
My mother the cop!
151
00:14:27,064 --> 00:14:31,376
Know what it feels like to be breast fed
by a person in a shoulder holster?
152
00:14:31,464 --> 00:14:36,743
So robbing banks is your sad, demented
way of getting back at your mother.
153
00:14:37,584 --> 00:14:40,144
Yeah... maybe you're right.
154
00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:47,096
I never opened up to anyone before.
Rather ironic that I must shoot you now.
155
00:14:47,184 --> 00:14:52,417
Listen, creep, take my advice. You got
what you want, you're almost outta here.
156
00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:55,621
Don't blow it by doing something stupid.
157
00:14:55,704 --> 00:14:57,979
Yeah... maybe you're right.
158
00:14:59,144 --> 00:15:03,535
But don't ever touch my hand
when I'm going for my gun.
159
00:15:20,024 --> 00:15:22,174
Secure the bus. Hurry up.
160
00:15:25,664 --> 00:15:29,737
All right, listen up in there, toads.
161
00:15:29,824 --> 00:15:34,697
Your transportation has arrived.
162
00:15:34,784 --> 00:15:39,733
- I ain't holding hands with another guy.
- Just do it, jerk!
163
00:15:43,504 --> 00:15:46,416
All right, come on.
Move out, come on. Move.
164
00:15:46,504 --> 00:15:48,813
Come on, come on! Move it.
165
00:15:48,904 --> 00:15:51,623
Keep going, keep going. That's good.
166
00:15:51,704 --> 00:15:55,538
Come on! Out, out! Come on!
Come on, move it!
167
00:15:55,624 --> 00:15:57,979
Come on. Don't crowd me.
168
00:15:58,064 --> 00:16:03,184
That's right, move. Come on, let's go.
Come on. Wait, wait a minute.
169
00:16:03,264 --> 00:16:05,573
- I can't believe it, Captain.
- What?
170
00:16:05,664 --> 00:16:09,657
- Hammer's holding hands with a man.
- Very interesting.
171
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,380
Run, kid, run!
172
00:16:15,424 --> 00:16:17,415
Get in the bus, get in the bus!
173
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:32,853
See, we're almost home free, Lou, huh?
Your sister can have that operation now.
174
00:16:34,824 --> 00:16:37,816
Drive like your life depended on it, baby,
175
00:16:37,904 --> 00:16:39,860
because it does.
176
00:16:41,264 --> 00:16:44,256
Do you mind?
You're blocking the rear-view.
177
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:49,063
Get that plane as far away
from the terminal as you possibly can.
178
00:16:49,144 --> 00:16:53,501
Sir, I don't wanna second guess you,
but to just give in to them like this.
179
00:16:53,584 --> 00:16:57,133
Mayjoy, they've got a plane,
a tank full of fuel,
180
00:16:57,224 --> 00:17:00,216
but no one ever said
anything about a pilot.
181
00:17:15,064 --> 00:17:19,342
Your buddy mentioned something
about your sister needing an operation.
182
00:17:19,424 --> 00:17:22,461
- That's too bad.
- Yeah, it's tough.
183
00:17:22,544 --> 00:17:26,901
She's only 16. I never really thought
her nose was that big.
184
00:17:28,944 --> 00:17:31,742
98 bottles of beer on the wall
185
00:17:31,824 --> 00:17:34,019
98 bottles of beer
186
00:17:34,104 --> 00:17:39,656
You take one down, pass it around
97 bottles of beer on the wall
187
00:17:39,744 --> 00:17:43,532
- 97 bottles of beer...
- All of you, shut up already!
188
00:17:43,624 --> 00:17:45,376
We're here.
189
00:17:50,824 --> 00:17:54,783
Have you noticed there's something
important missing from this plane?
190
00:17:54,864 --> 00:17:58,015
Those teeny little
liquor bottles, the little...
191
00:17:58,984 --> 00:18:00,940
There's no pilot!
192
00:18:06,504 --> 00:18:11,020
Everything's under control, Chief.
They're not going anywhere.
193
00:18:20,704 --> 00:18:22,660
No pilot, huh?
194
00:18:25,184 --> 00:18:27,618
I didn't see a pilot.
Who's flying this plane?
195
00:18:27,704 --> 00:18:31,458
'Good afternoon.
This is your pilot Cliff speaking. '
196
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:35,696
- That answer your question?
- Please, please, help me! I'm scared!
197
00:18:35,784 --> 00:18:37,934
Get off!
198
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:44,660
Hit him!
199
00:18:47,944 --> 00:18:51,903
- You enjoyed that, didn't you, Doreau?
- Get to the cockpit, Hammer!
200
00:18:58,424 --> 00:19:00,096
Hi, honey, I'm home.
201
00:19:01,424 --> 00:19:05,656
- Flight's cancelled, maggot.
- Who do you think you are?
202
00:19:05,744 --> 00:19:09,373
- Inspector Sledge Hammer.
- YOU'RE with the police department?
203
00:19:09,464 --> 00:19:12,661
No, no, no, no!
I AM the police department.
204
00:19:12,744 --> 00:19:15,463
- Now, let's take the plane down.
- Down?
205
00:19:15,544 --> 00:19:18,217
- Yeah, that's right.
- No problem!
206
00:19:26,504 --> 00:19:30,019
Ow! Painful, right? Ooh, wow!
207
00:19:43,424 --> 00:19:45,574
This is for that little kid's piggy bank!
208
00:19:46,584 --> 00:19:49,257
And this is for hitting me!
209
00:19:49,344 --> 00:19:51,335
And this is for calling me names!
210
00:19:52,664 --> 00:19:55,462
And this is for ordering pizza!
211
00:19:55,544 --> 00:19:59,139
And this is for making me
hold hands with another guy!
212
00:20:03,064 --> 00:20:06,613
- What was that for?
- That was gratuitous.
213
00:20:12,784 --> 00:20:15,742
All right, all right,
hold your applause till the end.
214
00:20:15,824 --> 00:20:19,976
Sit back and relax. We should be
crashing in about three minutes.
215
00:20:20,064 --> 00:20:23,613
Crashing? Oh, no!
What do you mean?
216
00:20:28,744 --> 00:20:32,498
Doreau, get outta here.
The cockpit is for men only.
217
00:20:32,584 --> 00:20:34,734
What do you want me to do,
serve coffee
218
00:20:34,824 --> 00:20:39,534
I'll take mine black. No sugar.
That makes me jumpy. Just black. Ah!
219
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,702
Whoa!
220
00:21:01,304 --> 00:21:06,139
I'm trying to explain to you. I've had
1,800 hours of solo flight experience.
221
00:21:07,704 --> 00:21:10,138
Hey, that's not that much!
222
00:21:17,024 --> 00:21:20,858
- All our fuel's been dumped!
- I hate when that happens.
223
00:21:21,784 --> 00:21:25,902
Our only choice now is to make
a crash landing. Tell the others.
224
00:21:25,984 --> 00:21:29,135
- Try and sound positive.
- So what's positive?
225
00:21:29,224 --> 00:21:32,421
That not all of us are going to hell?
226
00:21:37,184 --> 00:21:43,293
Listen up, people. I got good news for
everybody who bought flight insurance.
227
00:22:03,704 --> 00:22:06,059
Oh... oh!
228
00:22:06,144 --> 00:22:08,294
Ohhh!
229
00:22:15,624 --> 00:22:18,980
Whoooo!
230
00:22:19,064 --> 00:22:23,819
Boy, I don't know about your flying
but your crashing is great!
231
00:22:23,904 --> 00:22:26,577
Pow! That was terrific.
232
00:22:26,664 --> 00:22:29,781
- Let's see if we have any casualties.
- Right.
233
00:22:30,944 --> 00:22:33,094
Stay back or I'll cut you!
234
00:22:38,904 --> 00:22:40,462
Ahh!
235
00:22:49,264 --> 00:22:50,822
Where are we?
236
00:23:01,144 --> 00:23:05,296
You know, it's true. You are safer
in a plane than on a highway.
237
00:23:13,224 --> 00:23:15,374
This freak better be fixed by now.
238
00:23:17,904 --> 00:23:22,261
'Your personal ID number
has been discontinued.
239
00:23:22,344 --> 00:23:24,904
'This card is no longer valid. '
240
00:23:31,344 --> 00:23:34,302
Remember that last bullet? Use it.
241
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000
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