All language subtitles for How.i.met.your.mother.S08E19.LOL.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.NET

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NARRATOR:
In the spring of 2013,

Barney and Robin were
just weeks away

from tying the knot.

But there were still some
pretty big issues

they hadn't agreed on.

Adoption.

I don't know.

(sighs) It's the only thing
that makes sense.

I can't... I can't believe

you're not open to it.

Okay. Let's try it.

Nope, it doesn't
work with 27 down.

Hey, with the wedding so close,

maybe we should talk about

where we're going to live.

Fine, enough.

Stop begging.

We'll live here.

But you owe me.

Yeah, I don't know...

there's just a lot of things

I don't totally love
about your apartment.

Like what?

Well, for example, why is

your bed on what
look like train tracks?

(chuckles)

You were wonderful.
(chuckles)

Well, you don't get to be a
state-certified orgasmologist

without learning
how to please a woman.

You don't mind if I
spend the night, do you?

Um, how else are we gonna

get to know each other
on a deeper level?

Excuse me, I just have

to log tonight's orgasms
with the licensing board.

(shrieks)

BARNEY:
The Ho-be-gone Sleep System

by Stinson,
patent pending.

What-what is on the
other side of the wall?

Where do
the hos go?

(scoffs)
What am I, a contractor?

We-we need to go
into this marriage

with a fresh start.

What do you say we
find a new place together?

I love you.

And if that will
make you happy,

then let's do it.

Wow, so we need to
find an apartment

where I haven't
banged someone?

How do you feel about
Cleveland? (chuckles)

Ha, ha.

Nope. Ted's mom.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x19 ♪
The Fortress
Original Air Date on March 18, 2013

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

Shh...

Nice job filling in for
Lily on Marvin's lullaby.

Thanks, but I came in
early on the horsie.

Stupid!

No, you really nailed
all of Lily's parts.

It's been three
weeks since I have.

I barely see her anymore
'cause of this new job.

Well, you know what
might cheer you up?

Hmm?

There's a new Woodworthy
Manor on tonight.

(concerto plays)
NARRATOR: Woodworthy Manor

was a show about an upper class
English estate

at the beginning
of the 20th century.

MAN (British accent): My word!
You can't possibly mean...

WOMAN (British accent):
But I do!

With the succession
of Lady Eastbrooke

to Viscountess of Marlyemead,

our cousin Baldrick becomes...

the Earl of Witherstead.
The Earl of Witherstead!

I only posted that prediction
15 times on the forums!

No, I can't.

I promised Lily that I would
wait and watch it with her.

Problem is,
the Captain.

NARRATOR: Lily had just started
a job as the art consultant

for an eccentric billionaire,
the Captain.

(concerto plays, phone rings)

Oh.
(concerto stops)

Ahoy.

There's a hot new artist
in Red Hook.

He's molded

world currency into a sculpture

of a soulless plutocrat

defecating on the poor.

A scathing indictment
of capitalism.

I'll go as high as $200K

as long as you think I can flip
it for double in six months.

Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Sorry.

(concerto plays)

(phone rings)

(concerto stops)
Ahoy.

here's this
gorgeously delicate

impressionist still life,

reminiscent of
Monet's water lilies.

Where is it?

Rikers Island.

The artist is serving
two consecutive life sentences

for aggravated homicide.

I'm willing to go as high as

six cartons of cigarettes

and a jug of toilet wine.

Is it a strain,

feeling like a
single dad at times?

Sure, but
Lily's been

busting her butt
at this new job.

It's not like she's been
out there partying. (door opens)

Man, I'm 'faced.

I ate a ton
of caviar,

but it soaked up none
of the champagne.

Mondays, right?
LILY: Yeah.

When did you
get glasses?

(laughing):
Oh...

you mean my
glare reduction lunettes.

Yeah.
They help me discern genius

from pretentious crap.

Too bad you weren't
wearing those glasses

when you bought
those glasses.

Well, listen,
baby, I-I'm just

happy to see you.

And if you're not too tired,

maybe we could watch
Woodworthy Manor tonight.

I'd love to.

Great! Because I've come up

with a fun little game.

I made figgy pudding

and I put it in shot glasses.

And every time they say,

(British accent): "The dowager will be
less than pleased,"

you have to...

(phone rings)
Oh.

Ugh...

Ahoy.

A seven-foot-tall
cross-dressing Cambodian

is throwing glitter
and fish guts

at a billboard on the B.Q.E.

So he's some sort of
conceptual painter?

No, no, just a crazy person
on the local news.

I thought you might
have a laugh.

You're off the clock, relax.

I must own it.

Aye, aye, Cap'n.

Hey, did you find a Realtor
to sell this place yet?

Robin, a Realtor's
just gonna

give it to the highest bidder.

I need this place to go
to someone worthy.

And I've made some inquiries.

(gentle, majestic music plays)

Barney?

(booming voice):
My son.

Barney, enough
with the floating Jor-El head

from the Fortress of Solitude in
Superman, okay?

It's getting old.

I only use it to say
really important stuff.

Last time you used it to tell me

Wendy's had introduced a spicy
version of "The Baconator."

Exactly.

And now, my son...

it is time for me
to bestow on you...

Can we just talk face-to-face
like normal people?

Ted, just...

just...

okay?

My son,

it is time for me
to bestow on you...

Close the door.

No. This is...

Oh, my God,
can you just be cool?

Once? Please?

Just once?

Can you just once be cool?

Once?

Please?

My son...

for many years

this apartment has been
my Fortress of Barnitude.

But now the time has come

for me to pass it on.

Soon, this place will become

your "Fortress of Soli-Ted."

Barney,
I wouldn't

live here even if you scrubbed
every inch of this place

with Purell, amoxicillin
and holy water.

(sighs)

Fine.

But I think we can both agree,

it would be totally awesome
to see my deal

floating around all huge-like
on the big Jor-El cam.

Hold on.
(unzips)

Now, it's a little cold
here in the Fortress,

so don't judge...

BARNEY:
Ted, wait.

What did you...

That's... okay,
that's not funny.

Ted, open the...

Uh... walls closing in.

I can't... can't breathe.

(gasps)

Must...

show deal...

on Jor-El cam...

I... (gasps)

(thud)

Oh, well, guess I'm keeping this
place forever, good night.

Wait a... wait a
minute, that's it?

Ted wasn't interested
in buying your apartment,

so you just gave up?

Barney, I
gave up my

beautiful two-bedroom apartment

on the Upper West Side
that was rent-free

and the landlord hand-washed
all my delicates.

Which is probably why
it was rent-free.

The point is,

I need to buy all new underwear,

and you agreed that we would
find a new place together.

Oh, God, Barney,

relationships are about
trust and compromise.

You can't just...

Oh, you are so dead.

If I ever figure
a way out of here,

I will make your
life a living...

Lily and I really
need this night out.

A big fancy dinner
and the ballet.

Thank you so much
for babysitting.

Hey, three bucks an hour,
thank you.

(phone rings)

Oh, hey, baby.

Yeah, I'm just on my way out.

If you get there before...

Come on, really?

I'll see you later.

Captain?

I'm sorry, dude.
But, hey,

look at it
this way:

now you don't have
to go to the ballet.

Get your head out
of your ass, Ted.

There was
no ballet.

We were gonna sneak into
your apartment and bang.

Well, you know
what might

take both our
minds off that?

A little, uh...
(clears throat)

(whispering):
Woodworthy Manor.

No, I-I-I can't.

I-I promised Lily

that I would wait
and watch it with her.

And I feel like I'd
be cheating on her.

Sure, sure, sure,
sure, I get all that.

It's just, um...

You know, tonight they're
gonna finally reveal

who framed the
chimney sweep

for stealing
Lord Stoutshire's gooseberries.

And reveal
the winner of

the local gardening
competition.

I don't know how
they're going to pack

all that action
into one episode.

(groans softly)

(concerto plays)

Oops.

No, Ted,
you know

I promised Lily, I...
Shh, shh, shh.

Just let
it happen.

NARRATOR: Later that week,
Barney came home to discover

that Robin had a little
surprise waiting for him.

Wha...?

Mimosas?
Mm-hmm.

(sniffs)
Freshly-baked cookie smell?

A middle-aged woman
in a red blazer?

I see what this is.

You finally green-lit
my orgy idea!

Okay.

It's an open
house, Barney.

Say good-bye to
your fortress.

If we weren't about
to have an orgy,

I'd be so mad at you right now.

If you'll follow me
into the bedroom,

I'll show you some
beautiful woodwork.

I am way too upset right now
to point out how many women

have seen some beautiful
woodwork in there.

Angry self five!

Rah!

Robin,

I did not agree to this.

Yes, you did.

That is why I gave up
my apartment.

Not so I could live in
a disease-riddled bang pad

haunted by the ghosts
of your ex-skanks.

The bathrooms are
Italian marble.

(British accent):
Hello, old bean.

Jolly good
evening, isn't it?

What are you
doing here?

And why do you
sound like Madonna?

Uh, Robin asked us all
to come here and pretend

that we are
prospective buyers

who love this
apartment.

TED: And inspired
by a character

on Woodworthy Manor,
I've decided to play

Emsbry Postlethwaite,

a handsome
cricket player

who secretly
hates his life.

You don't have to
be a cricket player.

Tell that to
Emsbry's father.

Sorry!

Oh...

I was checking out some
mole people's graffiti art

and my cape got caught
on the F train.

Oh.

Bisou bisou.

Oh, what a
cute baby.

What's his name?

(British accent):
Marvin.

For my father.

Oh, that's
so sweet.

Have you two been looking
at a lot of places

in this neighborhood?

Oh, actually
they're not...

Yes, we have.

What?

My husband Emsbry
and I just love this area.

I'm a cricket player who
secretly hates his life.

(laughs)

What are you doing?

Well, you were
late yet again,

and so I'm gonna do this
little scene study with Ted.

Why? Because he's
there for me.

Pretending you're married?

That's going a little far
to prove your point, isn't it?

Excuse me, but I think
it's offensive to suggest

the only reason gay people get
married is to prove a point.

No, no, no, no, no.

I didn't...
that's not what I...

Thank you, sister--
somebody needs

to get this lady's mind
a rearview mirror

because she is thinking in reverse.
Mm-hmm.

Hate is a four-letter word.

I didn't... I voted for...

Oh, is this part
of a security system?

Sort of.

It's connected
to the welcome mat. You see...

Let's say the young lady
you're bringing home

is dressed for winter.

Under those layers,

an unwelcome surprise
could await you.

The scale
with body fat calculator

I've hidden
under the welcome mat

makes sure you never
have banger's remorse.

The Heavy Set Go

by Stinson, patent pending.

'Cause there's only one kind of
chubby you want in the bedroom.

Am I right, people? (laughs)

This guy knows what
I'm talking about.

I don't want to tell you
and Emsbry how to raise

your child, but I think
if you keep letting him nap,

he's gonna be up all night.

Funny, you sound
like someone who's been

around for his bedtime lately.

Uh, can somebody get
this lady a storefront

'cause she needs to mind
her own business, mm-kay?

(other clapping)

Would you stop it?

(British accent): Oh, right, right,
because it's a choice.

ROBIN: You know what's
not a choice?

Being gay for this kitchen.

That came out wrong--
the point is,

let's focus on this
awesome apartment.

You're right. (gasps)

Look at that fabulous
plasma television.

My ex-husband, who never
supported my career,

would love

to watch the Vikings
never win a Super Bowl

in franchise history
on that thing.

How dare you.
Don't let her push your buttons.

Right.

I don't care about football.

I'm more of a...

Woodworthy Manor fan.

I very much enjoyed watching it
the other night.

(gasps)

With Emsbry.

Oh, you didn't.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I know who
deliberately overwatered

Lady Chillsbury's
prize-winning roses.

They have been building
to that reveal all season,

Marshall, don't you tell me...

It was Parson Smallsby.
(groans)

Wow, great view.

And customizable.

Let's say you promised a girl

a surprise trip

to the most
romantic place on Earth.

No peeking.

Wow, we must've gone far.

We were on your private jet
for, like, six hours.

Well,

You definitely weren't
on a bus to Delaware

and back wearing earplugs,
I'll tell you that much.

And I think you'll agree
it was worth the wait

once you see the view.

Et voila ma chérie.

Oh, my God.

You flew me to Vegas?

It's, um... it's Par...

Well, hey, whatever works,
whatever...

The Room With a Screw

by Stinson, patent pending.

I know what
you're trying to do.

You're trying
to drive people away.

No, I'm not--
I'm just trying

to show off all of its
one-of-a-kind features.

See, see, there's
also, uh, Venice.

Niagara Falls,

African safari.

Oh...

and my favorite...

Huh?

Nothing gets a girl to
go from "on the fenc""

to "on all fours" faster
than thinking

everyone she's ever held dear
is a glowing pile of ash.

Mushroom cloud five.

(imitates explosion)

I love you accent.

Thank you.

I practiced it all morning.

(laughs)

You are adorable.

Well...

That Marshall's a lucky man.

Well, aren't you ducky?

Seriously if you were straight,

I'd be all over you.

Huh.

What's this?

Oh, God.

Only the best thing ever.

Let's say you had a wonderful
night with a girl, but now

she's turning into a bit
of a morning-after pill.

See? We need to
extend the chute

and add a landing spot.

And you said testing it with
a dummy was a waste of time.

No, I said "dressing the dummy"
was a waste of time.

The Escape From Bitch Mountain

by Stinson, patent pending.
Okay.

He's kidding,
it's just, you know,

in case of fire.

No, but I'm glad
you mentioned fire.

See those smoke
detectors?

Say these words.

"I'm looking for
a deeper commitment."

(alarm ringing)

It's also triggered by "I'm too
tired," "Let's snuggle,"

and "I'm a week late."

Barney, I'm getting wet.

And that turns it off.

Look, just stop talking.

We've made up our minds.

Oh, well,
thanks for taking a look.

I'll walk you out.

We'll take it.
(Robin gasps)

If you never get a black light,
you'll be so happy here.

(screams happily)
Yes, yes!

Yes, yes.
(whoops)

(gentle, majestic music plays)

Trouble in paradise?

We have a child together.

(alarm ringing)

I can't believe you watched
Woodworthy Manor without me.

I can't believe
that you're mad at me.

I've been abandoned by my wife
and my gay companion.

If I get blinded in one eye
by a badminton shuttlecock,

you might as well
call me Lord Esterbrooke.

(both gasp)

You watched the new one
without me?

Betrayal stings,
doesn't it, Emsbry?

Hey.

Hey.
Listen.

I...
No, me first.

I've been thinking

and I realized something.

The Fortress of Solitude is

where Superman went to be alone.

And I never want
to be alone again.

Thank you, Barney,
that really...

But then I remembered
in Superman II,

Superman gave up all his powers
to be with Lois Lane,

and he was honestly kind of
a vag after that.

Oh, buddy,
just quit while...

Now, Superman III was

a complete train wreck totally.

What's your point?

That...

that I love you.

And...

I'm giving up
my apartment for you.

And that the Superman films
are uneven.

I really appreciate
that, Barney, but...

after you left...

Congrats. You guys are getting
a fantastic apartment.

I mean, I know some of the
features are a little weird.

A little?

We're gonna rip
this thing

down to the studs.

I get it.

But, I mean, some things
might be worth saving.

I don't see any.
No.

You don't see any?

Sure some of the stuff in here

is creepy,
but it's also brilliant.

I mean, a lot

of geniuses were kind of pervy.

Look at Thomas Edison--
why do you think

that lightbulbs are boob-shaped?

Yeah, we're taking
a wrecking ball to this place

and turning it into something
actually fit for humans.

(laughs)

Excuse me.

(talking low, indistinctly)

(door closes)

(booming voice):
Get out!

The Fortress of Barnitude
is no longer for sale.

Also your husband has
been staring at my ass

all afternoon so don't
act all high-and-mighty.

You turned them down?

Yeah. If I ask you to change
too many things about yourself,

you're not gonna be the man
I fell in love with.

Turns out,

I accept and appreciate

even the grossest, creepiest,

most sociopathic parts of you.

(laughs)

Sounds like somebody
just wrote her vows.

(quiet laugh)

Mm.

(phone rings)

It's the Captain.

Ahoy.

There's a zebra
at the Central Park Zoo

who's got quite a keen hoof
at photography.

Ironically, he's great
with color. Now...

Captain, I'll check it
out, just not tonight.

I need to spend some
time with my husband.

You sure?

I know it's been tough,
me working this much,

and I guess I went
a little overboard

with the whole artsy thing.

(laughing):
I know.

The cape.

What about my cape?

I love it.

And I...

I know that you love this job.

I should be more supportive--
I just miss you.

I miss you, too.

Hey, guys.

Hey.
Hey.

You guys are all so lucky.

When am I gonna
find something real?

Well, Emsbry,

ready to see what it's like
to be with a woman?

(British accent):
I suppose there's

a first time for everything.

Go ahead.
My son.

(majestic theme playing)

Okay.

Yeah, all right.

Are you guys sure we're gonna
like this Woodworthy Manor show?

Yeah, it sounds
kind of boring.

(gasping)

Kind of boring?

Grab a seat guys,
but trust me,

you're only gonna
need the edge.

(concerto plays)
Ah-ha, all right, now,

a little backstory.

Lady Stoutshire has developed
a serious case of croquet ankle

and the cook Mrs. Bootbrush
can't find enough chestnuts

for a proper
St. Crispin's Day goose.

Let's watch.

I love you.

My wrist is broken.

Worth it.
Ow.

== sync, corrected by elderman ==