Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:06,702 --> 00:00:08,558
This is the life.
2
00:00:08,559 --> 00:00:09,922
We got the three B's.
3
00:00:09,923 --> 00:00:12,774
Beach, booze
and bodacious babes.
4
00:00:12,776 --> 00:00:14,309
I don't know.
5
00:00:14,311 --> 00:00:16,311
I'm starting to think
we should call the police.
6
00:00:16,313 --> 00:00:17,979
Oh, would you relax?
7
00:00:17,981 --> 00:00:19,513
We've got it made.
8
00:00:19,515 --> 00:00:21,616
One whole week
at his bodacious beach house,
9
00:00:21,618 --> 00:00:23,968
no strings attached.
10
00:00:23,970 --> 00:00:26,955
Well, there is one
string attached.
11
00:00:28,857 --> 00:00:30,775
Hi, Barney.
12
00:00:38,050 --> 00:00:40,969
Bodacious.
13
00:00:40,971 --> 00:00:42,670
"Weekend at Barney's!"
14
00:00:42,672 --> 00:00:44,005
What is it? What's wrong?
15
00:00:44,007 --> 00:00:46,424
The plays, Robin, the plays.
16
00:00:46,426 --> 00:00:48,926
The ingenious techniques I used
as a bachelor
17
00:00:48,928 --> 00:00:50,645
to pick up busty dullards.
18
00:00:50,647 --> 00:00:52,930
They just keep coming to me;
I can't turn them off.
19
00:00:52,932 --> 00:00:55,400
Okay, Barney, let me
ease your mind, okay?
20
00:00:55,402 --> 00:00:56,934
All right, here we go.
21
00:00:56,936 --> 00:00:58,152
Remember when you set
22
00:00:58,154 --> 00:01:00,188
your Playbook on fire?
23
00:01:05,694 --> 00:01:08,997
That was the moment I realized
you were someone I could marry.
24
00:01:08,999 --> 00:01:11,616
And I'd burn it again
if I could.
25
00:01:11,618 --> 00:01:12,800
You're right.
26
00:01:12,802 --> 00:01:14,085
I'm done with all these plays.
27
00:01:14,087 --> 00:01:16,204
Besides, there's no way
I'll ever come up
28
00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,873
with anything that tops
"Weekend at Barney's."
29
00:01:25,714 --> 00:01:27,181
"Weekend at Barney's Two!"
30
00:01:27,183 --> 00:01:29,280
Damn it, Barney!
31
00:01:29,281 --> 00:01:33,281
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x18 ♪
Weekend at Barney's
Original Air Date on February 25, 2013
32
00:01:33,306 --> 00:01:38,306
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
33
00:01:42,231 --> 00:01:44,115
So, there's this big
34
00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:45,766
gallery opening tonight.
35
00:01:45,768 --> 00:01:49,037
Oh, we'd love to, but
we've got this, um...
36
00:01:49,039 --> 00:01:50,621
Genesis reunion,
Madison Square Garden,
37
00:01:50,623 --> 00:01:51,772
front row.
38
00:01:51,774 --> 00:01:52,940
It's gonna be legend...
39
00:01:52,942 --> 00:01:54,042
I wasn't inviting you guys.
40
00:01:54,044 --> 00:01:56,961
Oh, thank God.
There is no concert.
41
00:01:56,963 --> 00:01:58,612
As the captain's
new art buyer,
42
00:01:58,614 --> 00:02:01,299
I have to go schmooze
this up-and-coming artist,
43
00:02:01,301 --> 00:02:02,633
Strickland Stevens,
44
00:02:02,635 --> 00:02:05,219
so we get first dibs
on all his new stuff.
45
00:02:05,221 --> 00:02:06,888
And I'll be helping
Lily seal the deal
46
00:02:06,890 --> 00:02:08,622
by impressing
the intelligentsia
47
00:02:08,624 --> 00:02:10,291
with some art-related
hilarity.
48
00:02:10,293 --> 00:02:12,793
I've prepared some jokes.
49
00:02:12,795 --> 00:02:15,763
Why couldn't the art
dealer pay his rent?
50
00:02:15,765 --> 00:02:16,814
I don't know. Why?
51
00:02:16,816 --> 00:02:18,132
This is gonna be rough.
52
00:02:18,134 --> 00:02:21,352
Because he ran
out of Monet.
53
00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:22,437
You're gonna get that
54
00:02:22,439 --> 00:02:24,439
on the walk home.
How about this one?
55
00:02:24,441 --> 00:02:26,357
You know what, we'd...
we'd love to hear it,
56
00:02:26,359 --> 00:02:27,992
but we've got that,
um... that...
57
00:02:27,994 --> 00:02:30,278
Steely Dan, Carnegie Hall,
backstage pass. Let's go.
58
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,271
We don't want to miss
whatever their big song was.
59
00:02:32,296 --> 00:02:32,748
Yeah.
60
00:02:32,749 --> 00:02:35,649
Your wedding response card,
as promised.
61
00:02:35,651 --> 00:02:38,119
Why didn't you just mail
it like everybody else?
62
00:02:38,121 --> 00:02:40,438
Oh, see, that's sad, Robin.
63
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:42,874
You should be touched
that I hand-delivered it.
64
00:02:42,876 --> 00:02:47,261
Has social media so eroded
our interpersonal relationships
65
00:02:47,263 --> 00:02:48,930
that we no longer wish
to experience the...
66
00:02:48,932 --> 00:02:50,014
You wanted to
keep the stamp?
67
00:02:50,016 --> 00:02:51,099
They're 46 cents now.
68
00:02:51,101 --> 00:02:52,133
It's getting out of hand.
69
00:02:52,135 --> 00:02:55,720
"Your invitation
is joyfully accepted
70
00:02:55,722 --> 00:02:58,856
by Mr. Ted Mosby and Jeanette""
71
00:03:00,210 --> 00:03:01,642
Kids, as you'll recall,
72
00:03:01,644 --> 00:03:02,977
Jeanette wasthe last girl I dated
73
00:03:02,979 --> 00:03:04,028
before I met your mother.
74
00:03:04,030 --> 00:03:05,062
My friends only had
75
00:03:05,064 --> 00:03:06,347
one tiny problem with her.
76
00:03:08,317 --> 00:03:10,351
She was nuts.
77
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,070
So you're bringing
a plus one?
78
00:03:13,072 --> 00:03:14,789
If you count the
voices in her head,
79
00:03:14,791 --> 00:03:16,240
it's plus five.
80
00:03:16,242 --> 00:03:17,925
Guys, I'm bringing her,
81
00:03:17,927 --> 00:03:19,827
and you're gonna love
having her there.
82
00:03:19,829 --> 00:03:21,662
Oh, and, um, by the way,
83
00:03:21,664 --> 00:03:23,548
just so this doesn't turn
into an argument later,
84
00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:24,715
the dress she's gonna wear
85
00:03:24,717 --> 00:03:26,237
isn't technically white;
it's eggshell.
86
00:03:26,819 --> 00:03:28,803
The shoes are white, though.
87
00:03:29,421 --> 00:03:30,755
And the gloves.
88
00:03:30,757 --> 00:03:32,840
And the veil.
Well, see you guys.
89
00:03:33,458 --> 00:03:35,276
No, no, no.
Mosby! Get...
90
00:03:38,897 --> 00:03:40,681
Oh, my God, what happened?
91
00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:42,883
Oh, I trashed your apartment.
92
00:03:42,885 --> 00:03:44,101
See, I got bored,
93
00:03:44,103 --> 00:03:46,437
so I started going
through all your e-mails.
94
00:03:46,439 --> 00:03:48,856
Sure.
And I found one from a woman
95
00:03:48,858 --> 00:03:51,075
with the subject line,
"big penis orgasms,"
96
00:03:51,077 --> 00:03:53,077
so naturally,
I smashed your plates,
97
00:03:53,079 --> 00:03:54,895
knifed your mattress,
peed in your drawers,
98
00:03:54,897 --> 00:03:56,814
the whole nine, but then,
99
00:03:56,816 --> 00:03:58,899
while I was upper-decking
your toilet,
100
00:03:58,901 --> 00:04:00,701
I actually read the e-mail.
101
00:04:00,703 --> 00:04:03,087
Turns out it was spam.
102
00:04:03,839 --> 00:04:05,540
Classic Jeanette, huh?
103
00:04:05,542 --> 00:04:07,341
Oh, my God.
104
00:04:07,343 --> 00:04:10,595
You are certifiably insane...
105
00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:13,014
...about me.
106
00:04:13,016 --> 00:04:14,549
Come here, you knucklehead.
107
00:04:14,551 --> 00:04:15,850
I can't stay mad at you.
108
00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:17,418
Ted, Ted,
I'm breaking up with you.
109
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:18,436
You're just
110
00:04:18,438 --> 00:04:19,753
so intense,
111
00:04:19,755 --> 00:04:22,106
and it's all moving
way too fast.
112
00:04:22,108 --> 00:04:23,357
Here's your key back.
113
00:04:24,259 --> 00:04:25,759
I never gave you a key.
114
00:04:25,761 --> 00:04:27,612
And here's
your grandmother's ring.
115
00:04:27,614 --> 00:04:30,064
She was buried wearing this.
116
00:04:30,066 --> 00:04:31,949
And just like that,
117
00:04:31,951 --> 00:04:33,351
it was over.
118
00:04:34,419 --> 00:04:35,453
I texted Barney and Robin.
119
00:04:35,455 --> 00:04:36,604
I'm sure they're over the moon
120
00:04:36,606 --> 00:04:37,738
that Jeanette's not coming
to the wedding.
121
00:04:37,740 --> 00:04:40,374
Oh, no, Ted, no.
122
00:04:40,376 --> 00:04:43,411
They're not gonna be
happy about you being sad.
123
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:44,879
They broke up!
124
00:04:46,782 --> 00:04:48,382
Ted, respectfully,
125
00:04:48,384 --> 00:04:51,052
are you sure that this was
the right girl for you?
126
00:04:51,054 --> 00:04:52,336
Of course not.
127
00:04:52,338 --> 00:04:53,838
She was crazy.
128
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,673
Absolutely a nightmare.
129
00:04:55,675 --> 00:04:57,124
It's totally not worth
the trouble.
130
00:04:57,126 --> 00:04:58,959
I mean, no matter how...
131
00:04:58,961 --> 00:05:01,646
no matter how great the sex was.
132
00:05:01,648 --> 00:05:03,748
Uh-oh.
Stay with us, buddy.
133
00:05:03,750 --> 00:05:06,434
No matter how hot and passionate
134
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:08,736
and surprising,
135
00:05:08,738 --> 00:05:10,438
possibly illegal...
136
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,540
I don't like this.
Me, neither.
137
00:05:12,542 --> 00:05:14,575
I'm gonna win her back.
138
00:05:16,329 --> 00:05:19,080
Barney and Robin are gonna be
so happy I'm happy.
139
00:05:19,082 --> 00:05:21,032
I know.
140
00:05:21,034 --> 00:05:23,618
I know.
141
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:26,420
Did you just unhook my bra?
142
00:05:26,422 --> 00:05:28,789
Shh. There, there.
143
00:05:28,791 --> 00:05:31,158
That night wasthe big gallery show.
144
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,010
Hey. I'm so sorry.
145
00:05:33,012 --> 00:05:34,934
I decided to grab a snack
from the bodega.
146
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:35,597
Why?
147
00:05:35,598 --> 00:05:36,797
They'll have food
at the gallery.
148
00:05:36,799 --> 00:05:38,382
Oh, come on,
these places never have food.
149
00:05:38,384 --> 00:05:39,467
It's fine.
150
00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:41,001
I got some Skittles.
151
00:05:41,003 --> 00:05:44,355
That was the last bagof Skittles
152
00:05:44,357 --> 00:05:46,691
your Uncle Marshallwould ever buy.
153
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:49,894
Meanwhile, I headed overto Jeanette's place
154
00:05:49,896 --> 00:05:52,146
to win her back.
155
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,237
What the hell?
156
00:06:00,239 --> 00:06:01,739
I can't let you do this, Ted.
157
00:06:01,741 --> 00:06:03,524
I want Jeanette back.
158
00:06:03,526 --> 00:06:05,743
Well, then accept my apology.
159
00:06:05,745 --> 00:06:07,378
For what?
160
00:06:07,380 --> 00:06:09,246
This.
161
00:06:13,848 --> 00:06:16,930
Ow, ow, ow! Damn it!
You're strong.
162
00:06:17,030 --> 00:06:18,563
That's just from Pilates?
163
00:06:18,565 --> 00:06:19,931
Twice a week.
164
00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:22,567
Look, I don't want you
getting back with Jeanette.
165
00:06:22,569 --> 00:06:25,153
Ted, what is my one rule?
166
00:06:25,155 --> 00:06:27,055
You can tell how old a girl is
by her elbows?
167
00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:28,323
My other one rule.
168
00:06:28,325 --> 00:06:30,075
Flaxseed relieves upset stomach?
169
00:06:30,077 --> 00:06:31,275
My other one rule.
170
00:06:31,277 --> 00:06:32,660
Always have a fake pair
of concert tickets
171
00:06:32,662 --> 00:06:34,679
in your pocket in case Lily
invites you to something stupid?
172
00:06:34,681 --> 00:06:35,767
My other one rule.
173
00:06:35,792 --> 00:06:37,600
Lebanese girls sprint to third
base and then stay there?
174
00:06:37,601 --> 00:06:39,601
My other one rule.
New is always better.
175
00:06:39,603 --> 00:06:40,969
New is always better!
176
00:06:40,971 --> 00:06:42,470
Exactly, Ted.
177
00:06:42,472 --> 00:06:44,389
You want to invite a date
to our wedding,
178
00:06:44,391 --> 00:06:45,924
it is not gonna be Jeanette.
179
00:06:45,926 --> 00:06:47,625
It is gonna be someone new.
180
00:06:47,627 --> 00:06:49,894
And I am gonna help you
find her
181
00:06:49,896 --> 00:06:52,180
with a little help from...
182
00:06:53,132 --> 00:06:54,182
The Playbook.
183
00:06:54,184 --> 00:06:55,400
The Playbook?
184
00:06:55,402 --> 00:06:56,518
Didn't you burn that?
185
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:58,353
Oh, I didn't burn the real one.
186
00:06:58,355 --> 00:07:00,772
That was
the ceremonial playbook
187
00:07:00,774 --> 00:07:02,190
for parades,
188
00:07:02,192 --> 00:07:03,358
mall openings,
189
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:04,776
inaugurations, stuff like that.
190
00:07:04,778 --> 00:07:06,744
That's a pretty big secret
to keep from Robin.
191
00:07:06,746 --> 00:07:08,830
Which is exactly
why I'm trusting you,
192
00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:11,166
my best bro,
to never let her know
193
00:07:11,168 --> 00:07:13,034
that the Playbook still exists.
194
00:07:13,485 --> 00:07:15,319
Pinky swear?
195
00:07:16,155 --> 00:07:17,922
Fine.
196
00:07:17,924 --> 00:07:19,624
Wow.
197
00:07:21,594 --> 00:07:23,327
See, I told you.
198
00:07:23,329 --> 00:07:26,464
Thank God I snuck in
this bag of goodness.
199
00:07:27,883 --> 00:07:30,435
There's Strickland Stevens.
200
00:07:30,437 --> 00:07:31,836
Wow.
201
00:07:31,838 --> 00:07:33,688
Even his scarf
is up-and-coming.
202
00:07:33,690 --> 00:07:37,358
Are you gonna be okay
by yourself for a few minutes?
203
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,110
Yeah, of course.
Why wouldn't I be?
204
00:07:39,112 --> 00:07:42,147
Well, you're sitting
on an $80,000 sculpture.
205
00:07:42,149 --> 00:07:43,982
For 80 grand,
206
00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:45,867
you'd think it
would be more comfortable.
207
00:07:45,869 --> 00:07:47,402
Lil, I'll be fine.
208
00:07:47,404 --> 00:07:49,537
Do you know
who you're talking to?
209
00:07:49,539 --> 00:07:51,906
In high school,
I was voted most outgoing
210
00:07:51,908 --> 00:07:54,159
freshman, sophomore
and senior year.
211
00:07:54,161 --> 00:07:56,044
What happened junior year?
212
00:07:57,379 --> 00:07:59,197
Egdud Ferhaki,
213
00:07:59,199 --> 00:08:01,699
that outgoing son of a bitch.
214
00:08:01,701 --> 00:08:04,368
He beat you for most outgoing?
215
00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:06,504
Huh? Oh, no, we tied.
216
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:11,876
Look, the point is, I can make
friends anywhere, even here.
217
00:08:11,878 --> 00:08:14,229
Thanks, baby.
You got it.
218
00:08:16,183 --> 00:08:17,982
Hey, excuse me.
219
00:08:17,984 --> 00:08:19,684
Listen.
220
00:08:19,686 --> 00:08:22,320
Do you think that you
would enjoy a show
221
00:08:22,322 --> 00:08:26,274
featuring Donatello, Raphael,
222
00:08:26,276 --> 00:08:28,743
Michelangelo and Leonardo?
223
00:08:28,745 --> 00:08:29,777
Sound like
you're a fan
224
00:08:29,779 --> 00:08:31,562
of the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles.
225
00:08:31,564 --> 00:08:32,864
Gotcha. Skin it.
226
00:08:37,703 --> 00:08:40,455
He will get that
on the drive home.
227
00:08:40,457 --> 00:08:42,740
He didn't.
228
00:08:43,542 --> 00:08:45,376
Fireworks?
Yeah.
229
00:08:45,378 --> 00:08:47,595
Everything in there is a
prop we'll need for tonight.
230
00:08:54,136 --> 00:08:56,054
Everything.
231
00:08:56,056 --> 00:08:58,223
All right, here's how
this is going down.
232
00:08:58,225 --> 00:09:00,942
You'll be wearing this
earpiece and microphone.
233
00:09:00,944 --> 00:09:03,427
I'll be staked out here,
telling you exactly what to say,
234
00:09:03,429 --> 00:09:05,897
so just stay focused
and you'll be fine.
235
00:09:05,899 --> 00:09:08,233
Which play
are we gonna run first?
236
00:09:08,235 --> 00:09:10,401
How about
the "Weekend at Barney's"?
237
00:09:11,955 --> 00:09:13,571
Oh, Ted, your first day
at the salon,
238
00:09:13,573 --> 00:09:15,456
and you want
to do a cut and color?
239
00:09:15,458 --> 00:09:16,741
No.
240
00:09:16,743 --> 00:09:18,910
Tonight we're gonna
start off with...
241
00:09:20,312 --> 00:09:22,413
Ice Man to Neruda.
242
00:09:22,415 --> 00:09:24,332
Ice Man to Neruda.
243
00:09:24,334 --> 00:09:25,583
Bogey at 10:00,
244
00:09:25,585 --> 00:09:26,968
and she is packing
two fully-operational
245
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,503
sweater stretchers.
246
00:09:28,505 --> 00:09:31,622
That's bravo, Oscar, Oscar,
bravo, Sierra.
247
00:09:31,624 --> 00:09:33,291
Possible delta cups.
248
00:09:33,293 --> 00:09:35,677
Copy that. Engaging target.
249
00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:37,262
Over.
250
00:09:37,264 --> 00:09:38,763
Excuse me,
I have a delivery for Lisa.
251
00:09:38,765 --> 00:09:41,232
Excuse me, I have
a delivery for Lisa.
252
00:09:41,234 --> 00:09:43,351
Are you Lisa?
Are you Lisa?
253
00:09:43,353 --> 00:09:44,635
Uh, no.
254
00:09:44,637 --> 00:09:45,937
But you must be.
255
00:09:45,939 --> 00:09:47,238
I was told to...
256
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,475
...deliver this package
to a girl named Lisa,
257
00:09:50,477 --> 00:09:52,827
and that I'd recognize her
because she'd be...
258
00:09:52,829 --> 00:09:55,029
The most beautiful girl
in this bar.
259
00:09:55,031 --> 00:09:56,447
So, here's your delivery,
260
00:09:56,449 --> 00:09:57,582
Lisa.
261
00:09:57,584 --> 00:09:58,883
Uh, I am definitely
not Lisa,
262
00:09:58,885 --> 00:10:02,987
but I would be happy
to help you find her.
263
00:10:02,989 --> 00:10:05,790
Great, and then maybe later...
264
00:10:05,792 --> 00:10:09,160
I could give you
a different package-- my penis.
265
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:13,514
That is a terrible line!
266
00:10:13,516 --> 00:10:14,766
You said it wrong.
267
00:10:14,768 --> 00:10:16,100
I did not say it wrong.
268
00:10:16,102 --> 00:10:17,335
My penis.
269
00:10:17,337 --> 00:10:18,870
No.
My penis.
270
00:10:18,872 --> 00:10:21,806
Still not right.
My penis, my penis, my penis!
271
00:10:23,726 --> 00:10:25,310
Hello.
272
00:10:27,313 --> 00:10:29,147
This sucks.
273
00:10:29,149 --> 00:10:30,514
I can't get near Strickland.
274
00:10:30,516 --> 00:10:32,183
At least Marshall's havinga good time.
275
00:10:32,185 --> 00:10:35,953
Man, he always knowsjust the right thing to say.
276
00:10:35,955 --> 00:10:38,856
For a gay guy,
Andy Warhol sure liked cans.
277
00:10:41,460 --> 00:10:42,827
This sucks.
278
00:10:42,829 --> 00:10:44,545
Maybe I've lost my charm.
279
00:10:44,547 --> 00:10:46,214
No, Marshall,
280
00:10:46,216 --> 00:10:48,383
if Lily's gonna make itin this fancy art world,
281
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:50,752
you're gonna have to make it,too, so suck it up,
282
00:10:50,754 --> 00:10:52,553
stop sitting on the art,
283
00:10:52,555 --> 00:10:55,056
and bust out the "A" material.
284
00:10:58,761 --> 00:11:01,396
You two keep chugging
like that,
285
00:11:01,398 --> 00:11:02,546
you're gonna have to
286
00:11:02,548 --> 00:11:04,766
Vincent van go
to the bathroom, am I right?
287
00:11:04,768 --> 00:11:06,984
It's pronounced van Gogh.
288
00:11:08,604 --> 00:11:11,406
Oh, "blogh" me.
289
00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:15,143
I still don't get why someone
would leave the hospital
290
00:11:15,145 --> 00:11:17,078
without changing
into their clothes first. Over.
291
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,413
Ted, this is my thing.
292
00:11:18,415 --> 00:11:20,331
So just... okay?
293
00:11:20,333 --> 00:11:21,332
Over.
294
00:11:21,334 --> 00:11:23,751
Okay? Over.
295
00:11:25,704 --> 00:11:26,871
Are you all right?
296
00:11:26,873 --> 00:11:28,356
What? Oh.
297
00:11:28,358 --> 00:11:30,992
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
298
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:32,794
Tomorrow, I'm...
299
00:11:32,796 --> 00:11:35,563
donating a kidney
to my best friend.
300
00:11:35,565 --> 00:11:37,899
My best friend Barney.
301
00:11:37,901 --> 00:11:39,267
Not Marshall.
302
00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:40,902
Barney.
303
00:11:40,904 --> 00:11:42,403
Marshall's so lame.
304
00:11:43,839 --> 00:11:45,006
Anyway, uh...
305
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:47,475
just wanted to grab
one last drink, in case...
306
00:11:47,477 --> 00:11:50,011
you know, I don't make it.
307
00:11:50,013 --> 00:11:51,462
You are so brave.
308
00:11:51,464 --> 00:11:52,997
Hey, listen.
309
00:11:52,999 --> 00:11:56,134
Before I give my best friend
this organ, how about...
310
00:11:57,403 --> 00:11:58,636
Nope.
311
00:11:58,638 --> 00:12:00,238
Nope, I'm not saying that.
312
00:12:01,073 --> 00:12:02,123
I did hear you,
313
00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:04,092
but I'm not saying that.
314
00:12:04,094 --> 00:12:05,293
Because I'm not.
315
00:12:05,295 --> 00:12:06,544
Are you okay?
316
00:12:06,546 --> 00:12:09,263
One second. I know you put
a lot of work into this.
317
00:12:09,265 --> 00:12:10,465
I understand that.
318
00:12:11,266 --> 00:12:12,467
I understand that.
319
00:12:13,268 --> 00:12:14,469
I understand that.
320
00:12:16,538 --> 00:12:17,738
I understand that.
321
00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:19,090
Why can't I just
talk to her?
322
00:12:19,092 --> 00:12:20,741
Maybe we'll hit it off...
323
00:12:23,213 --> 00:12:24,679
Fine.
324
00:12:24,681 --> 00:12:26,380
Copy that.
325
00:12:29,519 --> 00:12:32,854
How about I give you
a different organ?
326
00:12:33,989 --> 00:12:35,656
My penis.
327
00:12:39,278 --> 00:12:41,162
You said it wrong.
328
00:12:41,164 --> 00:12:42,847
I did not say it wrong!
329
00:12:44,032 --> 00:12:46,117
Thank you all so much
for coming.
330
00:12:46,119 --> 00:12:47,468
If you'll
indulge me,
331
00:12:47,470 --> 00:12:49,003
I would like to share a story
332
00:12:49,005 --> 00:12:51,155
about my dearly departed
grandmother.
333
00:12:51,157 --> 00:12:52,340
Oh, God.
334
00:12:52,342 --> 00:12:54,342
News flash, Johnny Ascot:
335
00:12:54,344 --> 00:12:56,461
Lots of peoplehave dead grandmas.
336
00:12:56,463 --> 00:12:57,828
No, Marshall.
337
00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:59,663
Don't be bitter.
338
00:12:59,665 --> 00:13:01,165
You're here for Lily.
339
00:13:01,167 --> 00:13:03,217
Just look at her,so professional.
340
00:13:03,219 --> 00:13:06,387
She hasn't saton a single piece of art.
341
00:13:06,389 --> 00:13:09,557
You're gonna ride this thingout with dignity for Lily.
342
00:13:09,559 --> 00:13:12,343
Not one more thingthat might embarrass her.
343
00:13:12,345 --> 00:13:15,563
I will simply stand here.
344
00:13:15,565 --> 00:13:19,016
Perfectly invisible.
345
00:13:19,018 --> 00:13:20,451
And so I dedicate this show
346
00:13:20,453 --> 00:13:22,570
to my grandmother's memory.
347
00:13:22,572 --> 00:13:24,522
Now...
348
00:13:24,524 --> 00:13:27,191
please join me in honoring her
349
00:13:27,193 --> 00:13:31,662
with 60 seconds
of absolute silence.
350
00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:06,214
Okay, Neruda, this play is
351
00:14:06,216 --> 00:14:07,698
extremely complicated.
352
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:09,116
Let me guess.
Does it involve me
353
00:14:09,118 --> 00:14:11,202
saying "my penis"
in a Scottish accent?
354
00:14:11,204 --> 00:14:13,170
Now you're gettin' it, laddie!
355
00:14:14,540 --> 00:14:15,590
Hey!
356
00:14:15,592 --> 00:14:17,041
Robin. What are you doing here?
357
00:14:17,043 --> 00:14:18,342
I was curious as to whether
358
00:14:18,344 --> 00:14:20,044
you found Ted a date
to our wedding
359
00:14:20,046 --> 00:14:22,179
who was a little less,
you know, Antichrist-y.
360
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:27,418
Is that the Playbook?
361
00:14:27,420 --> 00:14:32,590
No, Robin, that is a couch.
362
00:14:40,432 --> 00:14:42,733
Oh, you mean
the Playbook on the couch?
363
00:14:42,735 --> 00:14:43,734
I can explain.
364
00:14:43,736 --> 00:14:44,768
Don't bother.
365
00:14:44,770 --> 00:14:46,787
I can ex...
Uh, Ted? Uh...
366
00:14:46,789 --> 00:14:48,489
I got to step away from
mission control for a sec.
367
00:14:48,491 --> 00:14:50,441
Don't do anything stupid
while I'm gone.
368
00:14:50,443 --> 00:14:52,109
Robin...
369
00:15:04,878 --> 00:15:06,662
Robin, wait.
370
00:15:07,589 --> 00:15:09,288
Um... shoot.
I haven't figured out
371
00:15:09,290 --> 00:15:11,424
what I'm gonna say yet.
Keep going.
372
00:15:13,294 --> 00:15:14,811
Robin, wait.
373
00:15:16,146 --> 00:15:18,598
Look, I'm sorry
that I still have the Playbook.
374
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,100
It's just, it's filled
with a lifetime of great ideas.
375
00:15:21,102 --> 00:15:23,186
Am I supposed to just
leave all that behind?
376
00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:25,438
Yes.
But...
377
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,690
"Weekend at Barney's"!
378
00:15:27,692 --> 00:15:28,858
Okay, what is that?
379
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:31,160
Explain the
"Weekend at Barney's" to me.
380
00:15:31,162 --> 00:15:32,161
What's to explain?
381
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:33,279
I play a dead guy,
382
00:15:33,281 --> 00:15:34,814
and Ted and Marshall
carry me around.
383
00:15:34,816 --> 00:15:36,866
Okay. And based on that,
girls want to sleep with you.
384
00:15:36,868 --> 00:15:38,334
Big time.
But you're dead.
385
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:40,503
Yeah. Except not really,
obviously.
386
00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:41,921
But the girl thinks you're dead.
387
00:15:41,923 --> 00:15:42,923
No, she thinks I'm alive.
388
00:15:42,924 --> 00:15:44,040
Which you are.
Exactly.
389
00:15:44,042 --> 00:15:45,792
Except you're dead.
Exactly.
390
00:15:45,794 --> 00:15:47,493
Except you're alive.
Exactly.
391
00:15:47,495 --> 00:15:50,179
Okay, so instead of...
of being an alive person
392
00:15:50,181 --> 00:15:52,048
pretending to be a dead person
393
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,600
pretending to be
an alive person,
394
00:15:53,602 --> 00:15:56,185
why not just be an alive person?
395
00:15:57,087 --> 00:15:59,606
Okay, let's start
from the beginning.
396
00:15:59,608 --> 00:16:03,726
The movie is called
Weekend at Bernie's.
397
00:16:03,728 --> 00:16:06,512
My name is Barney.
398
00:16:07,898 --> 00:16:09,699
I'm so sorry,
sweetie.
399
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:11,067
I don't know
if you heard,
400
00:16:11,069 --> 00:16:12,402
but I dropped
some Skittles.
401
00:16:12,404 --> 00:16:13,486
Do you know what,
I'm just gonna
402
00:16:13,488 --> 00:16:14,787
go home before I
make things worse.
403
00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,456
You're not
going anywhere.
404
00:16:16,458 --> 00:16:17,624
We're a team.
405
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:18,574
You stuck by me
406
00:16:18,576 --> 00:16:20,410
after my nip slip
407
00:16:20,412 --> 00:16:22,045
at your law school graduation.
408
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:25,298
And after my nip slip
at the GNB Christmas party.
409
00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,716
And after my nip slip
410
00:16:26,718 --> 00:16:29,052
at the Honeywell and Coots
Family Fun Day.
411
00:16:29,054 --> 00:16:31,170
I don't know why you
keep wearing that top.
412
00:16:31,172 --> 00:16:32,805
All right,
I'll stay put,
413
00:16:32,807 --> 00:16:34,173
but I'm keeping
my mouth shut.
414
00:16:34,175 --> 00:16:37,260
No more jokes,
no more candy,
415
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:39,312
no more Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles.
416
00:16:39,314 --> 00:16:41,047
Hey, are you guys
talking Ninja Turtles?
417
00:16:41,765 --> 00:16:43,516
I'm a huge TMNT fan.
418
00:16:43,518 --> 00:16:45,184
I grew up on those comic books.
419
00:16:45,186 --> 00:16:47,520
Me, too!
I was obsessed.
420
00:16:47,522 --> 00:16:49,605
Did you know that
the original comic debuted
421
00:16:49,607 --> 00:16:51,941
in 1984 at a convention
in New Hampshire?
422
00:16:51,943 --> 00:16:53,392
Uh, yes.
423
00:16:53,394 --> 00:16:55,561
Did you know that Eastman and
Laird always had their doubts
424
00:16:55,563 --> 00:16:56,996
about their characters
being commercialized?
425
00:16:56,998 --> 00:16:58,197
Yes!
426
00:16:58,199 --> 00:16:59,999
Did you know that the painting
on the back wall
427
00:17:00,001 --> 00:17:01,501
is inspired by Master Splinter?
428
00:17:02,453 --> 00:17:05,004
Oh, the one of the
rat doing karate.
429
00:17:05,006 --> 00:17:06,956
I see it now.
430
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,124
Hey, I'm Strickland.
431
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,575
Hey. Marshall.
432
00:17:09,577 --> 00:17:12,462
And this is my wife, Lily,
who, as a matter of fact,
433
00:17:12,464 --> 00:17:14,597
happens to represent one of
the biggest art collectors
434
00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:15,682
in New York City.
435
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:16,966
I love your work.
436
00:17:16,968 --> 00:17:19,585
It's great to see you
getting some recognition.
437
00:17:19,587 --> 00:17:21,420
Thank you.
It's been a long haul.
438
00:17:21,422 --> 00:17:23,389
The first painting
I ever sold,
439
00:17:23,391 --> 00:17:26,476
I used the money
to get my car fixed.
440
00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:28,144
You might say...
441
00:17:28,146 --> 00:17:31,097
I used it to make my van go.
442
00:17:31,099 --> 00:17:32,398
That's...
443
00:17:34,285 --> 00:17:37,370
Um, a little something
called rigor mortis?
444
00:17:37,372 --> 00:17:38,771
Oh, come on.
445
00:17:38,773 --> 00:17:40,773
Are you really this
mad about a book?
446
00:17:40,775 --> 00:17:43,943
You really think that this
is just about a book, Barney?
447
00:17:44,745 --> 00:17:45,661
You lied to me.
448
00:17:45,663 --> 00:17:47,113
If we're gonna
be in a marriage
449
00:17:47,115 --> 00:17:49,582
and trust each other,
you can't lie to me ever.
450
00:17:49,584 --> 00:17:50,666
Really?
451
00:17:50,668 --> 00:17:52,118
Well, that's just great.
452
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:55,254
Because, in case you haven't
noticed these last eight years,
453
00:17:55,256 --> 00:17:57,390
lying is what I do best.
454
00:17:59,143 --> 00:18:00,459
I'm a magician, Robin.
455
00:18:00,461 --> 00:18:04,630
Misdirection and deceit
are my stock in trade.
456
00:18:04,632 --> 00:18:06,382
You don't want me
to lie to you?
457
00:18:06,384 --> 00:18:09,102
Lies are the reason
that we're together.
458
00:18:09,104 --> 00:18:10,970
Everything single
thing I did
459
00:18:10,972 --> 00:18:13,239
to get you to say yes
to me on that rooftop--
460
00:18:13,241 --> 00:18:15,575
Patrice, the false
engagement, everything--
461
00:18:15,577 --> 00:18:17,827
it was all utter malarkey.
462
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:18,911
But...
463
00:18:18,913 --> 00:18:20,997
underneath all
of those lies
464
00:18:20,999 --> 00:18:23,199
is one true thing.
465
00:18:23,201 --> 00:18:26,202
One true thing
that can support the weight
466
00:18:26,204 --> 00:18:29,288
of all the lies
in the world, and...
467
00:18:29,290 --> 00:18:31,290
and that's the fact
that I love you.
468
00:18:31,292 --> 00:18:32,608
And you know
469
00:18:32,610 --> 00:18:34,177
that when I say that...
470
00:18:34,179 --> 00:18:35,678
I am not lying.
471
00:18:45,505 --> 00:18:46,689
Wha...
472
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:58,868
Did you just unhook
my bra again?
473
00:19:00,121 --> 00:19:01,220
Jeanette,
474
00:19:01,222 --> 00:19:02,488
this is great.
475
00:19:02,490 --> 00:19:03,856
We're back together.
476
00:19:03,858 --> 00:19:06,542
You're coming to Barney
and Robin's wedding.
477
00:19:06,544 --> 00:19:09,495
I found two wine glasses
you didn't smash.
478
00:19:09,497 --> 00:19:11,547
Call me crazy,
but I've got a feeling,
479
00:19:11,549 --> 00:19:14,300
from here on out, it's gonna be
nothing but blue skies and...
480
00:19:14,302 --> 00:19:15,251
What...
481
00:19:15,253 --> 00:19:16,702
the hell...
482
00:19:16,704 --> 00:19:18,421
is this?!
483
00:19:20,925 --> 00:19:22,058
Uh-oh.
484
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:23,726
Check out this
text from Ted.
485
00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:30,366
Oh, my...
486
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:32,235
What the hell
happened here?
487
00:19:32,237 --> 00:19:34,403
Jeanette and I had
a little spat.
488
00:19:36,491 --> 00:19:37,990
Would anyone like some wine?
489
00:19:37,992 --> 00:19:39,525
It's a nice Côtes du Rhône.
490
00:19:39,527 --> 00:19:41,027
Still needs to breathe a bit.
491
00:19:41,029 --> 00:19:43,496
You know what?
I got a decanter upstairs, so...
492
00:19:44,564 --> 00:19:47,233
We should just drink it now.
493
00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:48,501
And for
494
00:19:48,503 --> 00:19:49,702
the grand finale,
495
00:19:49,704 --> 00:19:51,237
I found your fireworks.
496
00:19:51,239 --> 00:19:53,372
Let's see what they do
to your precious Playbook!
497
00:19:53,374 --> 00:19:54,573
No!
498
00:19:54,575 --> 00:19:55,675
Jeanette, please,
499
00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:57,360
that's Barney's
life's work!
500
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:58,744
It's fine, Ted.
501
00:19:59,930 --> 00:20:01,264
Blow it up, Jeanette.
502
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:05,685
♪ Put a candle in the window
503
00:20:09,139 --> 00:20:13,759
♪ 'Cause I feel
I've got to move ♪
504
00:20:17,231 --> 00:20:21,200
♪ Though I'm going, going
505
00:20:21,202 --> 00:20:24,453
♪ I'll be coming home soon
506
00:20:24,455 --> 00:20:28,291
♪ Long as I can see
the light... ♪
507
00:20:38,135 --> 00:20:39,969
Okay.
508
00:20:39,971 --> 00:20:42,471
No more dating.
509
00:20:42,473 --> 00:20:44,340
I'm ready to settle down.
510
00:20:44,342 --> 00:20:45,758
And, kids...
511
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,176
for the first time in my life,
512
00:20:47,178 --> 00:20:48,678
I really meant it.
513
00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:49,628
Oh!
514
00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:51,681
Oh...
The boots...
515
00:20:54,402 --> 00:20:59,402
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
35618
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof