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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:02,951 --> 00:00:04,468
Thanks.
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00:00:04,470 --> 00:00:06,053
That's weird.
I have a message.
3
00:00:06,727 --> 00:00:08,126
That's weird.
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00:00:08,128 --> 00:00:09,461
You still have
an answering machine.
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00:00:09,463 --> 00:00:11,313
(beep)
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Ted, this is the Captain.
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Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
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00:00:17,317 --> 00:00:19,101
Oh, crap.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x17 ♪
The Ashtray
Original Air Date on February 18, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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NARRATOR:
Kids, you remember the Captain.
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00:00:33,987 --> 00:00:36,088
He was one of the richest menin New York,
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00:00:36,090 --> 00:00:38,290
and when I met him,he was married to Zoey,
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00:00:38,292 --> 00:00:41,176
who I ended up... befriending.
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00:00:41,178 --> 00:00:44,263
Oh, man, he seems pissed.
Does he?
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00:00:44,265 --> 00:00:46,215
Yes. Listen.
(beep)
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00:00:46,217 --> 00:00:49,017
Ted, this is the Captain.
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00:00:49,019 --> 00:00:52,721
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
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00:00:52,723 --> 00:00:54,923
Oh, I hear it now.
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00:00:54,925 --> 00:00:56,024
What? I don't know.
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Listen again.
(beep)
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00:00:58,011 --> 00:01:01,513
Ted, this is the Captain.
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00:01:03,683 --> 00:01:07,236
Please call me back
at your earliest convenience.
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00:01:07,238 --> 00:01:08,904
MARSHALL:
He sounds pissed.
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00:01:08,906 --> 00:01:10,873
Yeah, and I think
I know why.
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00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:13,158
It has to do
with the last time I saw him.
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00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,794
It was, um... it was, like,
a year and a half ago.
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00:01:15,796 --> 00:01:18,196
Oh, boy, that was a crazy story.
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00:01:18,198 --> 00:01:19,798
(chuckling):
Oh, boy, yeah.
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00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,867
I remember.
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00:01:21,869 --> 00:01:22,918
You weren't there.
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00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,137
Ted, bubbeleh.
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00:01:25,139 --> 00:01:28,039
If you have a crazy story,
I was there.
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00:01:28,041 --> 00:01:29,925
That's just a law
of the universe.
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00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:31,059
So what happened?
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00:01:31,061 --> 00:01:32,427
Well, it was a few weeks
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00:01:32,429 --> 00:01:35,264
after Zoey and I broke up,
and I was on the rebound,
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00:01:35,266 --> 00:01:39,084
and I kind of rekindled things
with that girl, Becky.
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00:01:39,086 --> 00:01:41,854
Becky?
Boats, boats, boats.
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00:01:41,856 --> 00:01:43,121
Boats, boats, boats!
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00:01:43,123 --> 00:01:45,474
Boats!
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00:01:45,476 --> 00:01:47,209
What's this
a commercial for again?
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00:01:47,211 --> 00:01:49,227
I can't quite...
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00:01:49,229 --> 00:01:52,063
Boats, boats, boats!
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Oh, get a room, you two.
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TED:
You weren't there.
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I was, too.
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All right, you were there?
Tell me the story.
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I like the way you tell it.
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00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:01,507
Please, I insist.
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00:02:01,509 --> 00:02:03,342
Okay, we'll tell it together.
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00:02:03,344 --> 00:02:05,260
Okay.
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00:02:05,262 --> 00:02:07,930
Lily...
Lily...
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had invited us...
...had invited us...
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...to an art...
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...Garfunkel concert.
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...gallery opening.
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An Art Garfunkel
gallery opening concert.
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00:02:16,273 --> 00:02:18,390
Go on, Ted.
You're doing great.
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00:02:18,392 --> 00:02:19,391
Anyway,
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00:02:19,393 --> 00:02:20,776
I get to the gallery...
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This place is so fancy.
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00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,447
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
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00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:26,448
What? Lily, come on.
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00:02:26,450 --> 00:02:27,983
You got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
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00:02:27,985 --> 00:02:31,102
Dude, look who it is.
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00:02:31,104 --> 00:02:32,938
And who should walk in but...
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00:02:32,940 --> 00:02:35,490
Daddy's home.
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00:02:35,492 --> 00:02:37,459
Nope.
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00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:40,629
Well, well, Ted Mosby,
my old nemesis.
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00:02:40,631 --> 00:02:41,880
What are you doing here?
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00:02:41,882 --> 00:02:44,950
Um, well, uh,
Lily saw an ad for this...
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00:02:44,952 --> 00:02:46,084
Gallery?
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00:02:46,086 --> 00:02:48,787
So we... we came
to check out the...
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00:02:48,789 --> 00:02:50,255
Artwork.
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00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,558
And then we ran into...
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Me.
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00:02:53,761 --> 00:02:55,394
TED:
Man, this guy's so rude.
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00:02:55,396 --> 00:02:57,462
I mean, I get why he's mad.
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00:02:57,464 --> 00:03:00,265
I did stick itto his ex-wife... repeatedly.
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00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:02,351
Still, he's being a jerk.
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00:03:02,353 --> 00:03:05,020
Someone needsto bring him down a peg.
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00:03:05,022 --> 00:03:06,805
I'm sorry. Where are my...
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00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:08,690
Manners.
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00:03:08,692 --> 00:03:11,159
That's how that feels.
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00:03:11,161 --> 00:03:12,411
This is my art
consultant.
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Shelly.
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00:03:13,948 --> 00:03:15,781
Art consultant? What's that?
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00:03:15,783 --> 00:03:17,366
Oh, Shelly helps the Captain
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00:03:17,368 --> 00:03:19,117
select artwork
based on its aesthetic appeal
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and value
as an investment.
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00:03:21,338 --> 00:03:23,956
That's why I think
she's gonna love
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00:03:23,958 --> 00:03:25,490
this elephant painting.
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00:03:25,492 --> 00:03:28,326
I think this artist
is going places.
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00:03:28,328 --> 00:03:29,428
Well, I should go.
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00:03:29,430 --> 00:03:31,263
Captain, we'll
talk tomorrow?
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At ease.
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00:03:32,766 --> 00:03:34,883
Hey, if you like art,
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you should see the painting
I just acquired.
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00:03:36,854 --> 00:03:39,104
It's in my apartment
just upstairs.
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00:03:39,939 --> 00:03:43,942
It's gonna blow you away.
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00:03:45,278 --> 00:03:47,229
Anyone with this kind
of ashtray money
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probably has an island
where he hunts people.
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00:03:49,733 --> 00:03:51,950
Probably somewhere
in the Caribbean.
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00:03:51,952 --> 00:03:55,120
I bet there's good snorkeling.
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Hello, my darling,
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my one true love, my everything.
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00:04:02,129 --> 00:04:03,328
So, who wants to see
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00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,963
that painting?
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00:04:04,965 --> 00:04:06,832
Okay, Captain, we know why
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00:04:06,834 --> 00:04:08,166
you brought us up here.
It's, uh...
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00:04:08,168 --> 00:04:09,635
it's about me and Zoey.
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00:04:09,637 --> 00:04:11,003
Ted,
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00:04:11,005 --> 00:04:14,372
if you've got something
to say,
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00:04:14,374 --> 00:04:16,475
say it.
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00:04:16,477 --> 00:04:17,676
A harpoon gun?
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A double-barreled
harpoon gun.
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One barrel.
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With a scope.
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No scope.
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00:04:24,184 --> 00:04:26,268
I know you're upset, Captain,
but I promise you
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nothing happened
between me and Zoey
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00:04:27,688 --> 00:04:29,187
until after you guys
split up, okay?
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00:04:29,189 --> 00:04:30,322
So let's...
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Let's please,
just-just-just put this down.
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00:04:32,860 --> 00:04:36,028
Okay? Okay,
oh, there we go.
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00:04:36,030 --> 00:04:38,396
Look, Ted,
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00:04:38,398 --> 00:04:39,498
I'm not mad at you.
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00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:40,949
The truth is
I'm in love
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00:04:40,951 --> 00:04:43,118
with somebody else now,
so we're fine.
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00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:47,005
Just don't steal this one
from me, too, okay?
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Okay?
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(laughter)
Of course.
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I promise.
Okay.
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00:04:52,913 --> 00:04:54,546
But that got me thinking.
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00:04:54,548 --> 00:04:56,214
Who was this new
lady in his life?
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00:04:56,216 --> 00:04:58,917
I-I had this weird
sinking feeling.
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00:04:58,919 --> 00:05:00,352
We both did.
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00:05:00,354 --> 00:05:01,353
I had to see that picture.
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00:05:01,355 --> 00:05:03,271
So I waited until everyone
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was out of the room, and then...
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BECKY:
Boats, boats, boats!
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No.
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00:05:18,238 --> 00:05:21,123
No...!
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00:05:21,125 --> 00:05:23,909
She's "boats, boats, boats,"
and he's the Captain.
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00:05:23,911 --> 00:05:25,627
That's sweet;
I'm happy for those two.
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Ted, you suck.
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00:05:26,997 --> 00:05:29,131
(phone rings)
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00:05:29,133 --> 00:05:31,033
(gasps)
Oh, my God, oh, my God.
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00:05:31,035 --> 00:05:32,634
It's him, it's him.
What do I do?
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00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,136
What do I do?
Ted, wait a second.
152
00:05:34,138 --> 00:05:36,338
What do I do?
Wait a second. Wait a second!
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00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:39,791
Hey, is there any chance
that he is calling
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00:05:39,793 --> 00:05:42,811
to invite the three of
us out on his boat?
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00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:45,680
Uh, I don't know,
maybe like one percent.
156
00:05:45,682 --> 00:05:48,299
Ted's phone. Hold for Ted.
157
00:05:49,802 --> 00:05:51,353
Hello.
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00:05:51,355 --> 00:05:53,021
Ted, I'm gonna
ask you something,
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00:05:53,023 --> 00:05:56,441
and I want you
to be completely honest.
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00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:59,111
What's your friend
Robin's number?
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00:05:59,113 --> 00:06:00,495
What?
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00:06:00,497 --> 00:06:02,664
Ted, ask about the boat.
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00:06:07,295 --> 00:06:09,515
Uh, Captain, can...
can I put you on hold?
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00:06:09,715 --> 00:06:11,014
Affirmative.
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00:06:12,368 --> 00:06:14,586
He wants Robin's number.
166
00:06:14,588 --> 00:06:15,871
Should I give it to him?
167
00:06:15,873 --> 00:06:18,173
Is he trying to hook up
with my fiancée?
168
00:06:18,175 --> 00:06:19,541
No, uh-uh. (snorts)
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The only way that's happening
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is if I get to hook up
with someone, too.
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00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:24,513
Wait a second... No.
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00:06:24,515 --> 00:06:26,781
Unless... Absolutely not.
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00:06:26,783 --> 00:06:28,216
However... Forget it.
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00:06:28,218 --> 00:06:29,801
On the other hand... Ixnay!
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00:06:29,803 --> 00:06:32,938
Guys, guys,
I got to make a decision here.
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Okay, you know
what, I say do it.
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00:06:34,808 --> 00:06:36,057
If it is a booty call,
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00:06:36,059 --> 00:06:37,526
then Robin will just
let him down easy,
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00:06:37,528 --> 00:06:39,594
but in the meantime, Ted is back
on the Captain's good side.
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00:06:39,596 --> 00:06:42,030
We all get to go out on his
boat; I get to steer it.
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00:06:42,032 --> 00:06:43,264
Everybody wins.
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00:06:43,266 --> 00:06:44,599
Okay.
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00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:46,701
Fine. Give him her number.
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00:06:46,703 --> 00:06:48,102
You don't think she'll mind?
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00:06:48,104 --> 00:06:49,237
I don't think she'll mind.
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00:06:49,239 --> 00:06:51,223
You gave the Captain my number?
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She minds.
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00:06:52,409 --> 00:06:53,942
Do you not remember that night
189
00:06:53,944 --> 00:06:56,611
we hung out with him
at the art show?
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00:06:56,613 --> 00:06:58,046
Oh, right, of course
you don't remember
191
00:06:58,048 --> 00:06:59,247
because,
earlier that night,
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you shared a big,
fat sandwich with Becky.
193
00:07:01,251 --> 00:07:03,785
Boats, boats, boats!
194
00:07:03,787 --> 00:07:07,255
What's this
a commercial for again?
195
00:07:07,257 --> 00:07:08,423
Yeah, so?
196
00:07:08,425 --> 00:07:10,559
I hardly think that
changes the story.
197
00:07:10,561 --> 00:07:12,394
Mmm. Mmm.
198
00:07:12,396 --> 00:07:13,595
Delicious!
199
00:07:13,597 --> 00:07:16,314
This place is so fancy.
200
00:07:16,316 --> 00:07:18,233
I hope I don't embarrass myself.
201
00:07:18,235 --> 00:07:19,401
Oh, come on, Lily.
202
00:07:19,403 --> 00:07:21,302
You got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
203
00:07:24,407 --> 00:07:25,907
Dude, look who's here.
204
00:07:25,909 --> 00:07:27,308
Daddy's home.
205
00:07:29,262 --> 00:07:31,613
Nope.
Nope.
206
00:07:31,615 --> 00:07:32,581
Well, well.
207
00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:33,615
(screams)
208
00:07:33,617 --> 00:07:35,250
Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
209
00:07:35,252 --> 00:07:36,451
What are you doing here?
210
00:07:36,453 --> 00:07:39,754
Well, Lily...
211
00:07:39,756 --> 00:07:42,707
saw an ad for this...
212
00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:48,463
Gallery.
213
00:07:50,266 --> 00:07:52,267
So we thought we'd, um...
214
00:07:52,269 --> 00:07:54,469
come and check out the...
215
00:07:57,690 --> 00:07:59,224
Artwork?
216
00:08:02,278 --> 00:08:05,981
And then we ran into...
217
00:08:08,818 --> 00:08:10,068
Me?
218
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:12,020
ROBIN: And the Captainwasn't glaring at you.
219
00:08:12,022 --> 00:08:13,655
He couldn't takehis eyes off...
220
00:08:13,657 --> 00:08:15,189
Hey, nice to see you again.
221
00:08:15,191 --> 00:08:16,408
Yeah, you, too.
222
00:08:16,410 --> 00:08:17,709
Oh.
223
00:08:17,711 --> 00:08:19,995
Man, this guy is so rude.
224
00:08:19,997 --> 00:08:21,463
I mean, I get
why he's upset.
225
00:08:21,465 --> 00:08:25,533
I did stick it
to his ex-wife... repeatedly.
226
00:08:25,535 --> 00:08:27,385
Still,
227
00:08:27,387 --> 00:08:28,586
the guy's being a jerk.
228
00:08:28,588 --> 00:08:30,922
Someone needs
to take him down a peg.
229
00:08:30,924 --> 00:08:32,724
(clears throat)
Sorry.
230
00:08:32,726 --> 00:08:34,476
Where are my manners?
231
00:08:34,478 --> 00:08:36,811
This is Shelly,
my art consultant.
232
00:08:36,813 --> 00:08:38,480
Art consultant?
What's that?
233
00:08:38,482 --> 00:08:40,598
Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
234
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:41,883
based on aesthetic...
235
00:08:41,885 --> 00:08:43,685
Manners!
236
00:08:43,687 --> 00:08:46,271
That's how that feels.
237
00:08:48,724 --> 00:08:51,026
...appeal
238
00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:53,411
and value
as an investment,
239
00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:55,229
and that's why I think
she's gonna love
240
00:08:55,231 --> 00:08:56,531
this elephant painting.
241
00:08:56,533 --> 00:08:59,784
I think this artist
is going places.
242
00:09:00,670 --> 00:09:02,253
Well, I should go.
243
00:09:02,255 --> 00:09:05,290
Captain, we'll
talk tomorrow.
244
00:09:05,292 --> 00:09:08,093
If you like art,
245
00:09:08,095 --> 00:09:11,046
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
246
00:09:12,214 --> 00:09:16,718
It's gonna blow you away.
247
00:09:17,636 --> 00:09:19,754
Snorkeling.
248
00:09:19,756 --> 00:09:21,773
ROBIN: Then, after I saved youfrom destroying
249
00:09:21,775 --> 00:09:23,257
a priceless crystal ashtray...
250
00:09:23,259 --> 00:09:25,143
You're welcome.
(screams)
251
00:09:26,145 --> 00:09:27,479
Hello, my darling,
252
00:09:27,481 --> 00:09:30,315
my one true love, my everything.
253
00:09:30,317 --> 00:09:32,901
Ahoy?
254
00:09:34,787 --> 00:09:36,654
So who wants to see
that painting?
255
00:09:36,656 --> 00:09:38,990
Okay, Captain.
256
00:09:38,992 --> 00:09:41,960
We all know why
you brought us up here.
257
00:09:41,962 --> 00:09:45,213
This is about me and, um...
(snaps fingers)
258
00:09:45,215 --> 00:09:47,132
Zoey.
259
00:09:47,134 --> 00:09:49,334
All right, Ted.
260
00:09:49,336 --> 00:09:50,952
If you've got something to say,
261
00:09:50,954 --> 00:09:53,638
say it.
262
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,006
Whoa, whoa.
263
00:09:55,008 --> 00:09:56,124
A remote control?
264
00:09:56,126 --> 00:09:57,291
A remote control.
265
00:09:58,293 --> 00:09:59,761
Let's relax.
266
00:09:59,763 --> 00:10:02,230
I-I know you're upset, Captain.
267
00:10:02,232 --> 00:10:04,265
I-I just...
I want to assure you
268
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:06,167
nothing happened
between me and Zoey
269
00:10:06,169 --> 00:10:08,269
until after you
guys had split up.
270
00:10:08,271 --> 00:10:10,105
So let's just...
let's just...
271
00:10:10,107 --> 00:10:11,940
let's put this down.
272
00:10:11,942 --> 00:10:15,476
Okay, okay.
273
00:10:15,478 --> 00:10:17,645
There we go.
274
00:10:19,148 --> 00:10:21,616
Ted, I'm not mad at you.
275
00:10:21,618 --> 00:10:22,917
Truth is, I'm in love
276
00:10:22,919 --> 00:10:25,820
with somebody else now.
277
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,791
So he invited me back
to his bedroom
278
00:10:29,793 --> 00:10:31,876
to show me
this painting, and...
279
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,129
Finally.
280
00:10:34,131 --> 00:10:35,630
We're alone.
281
00:10:35,632 --> 00:10:37,265
BARNEY:
Robin, no, I don't want
282
00:10:37,267 --> 00:10:38,883
to picture that.
Nothing happened.
283
00:10:38,885 --> 00:10:41,436
Aw, that means hand stuff.
What?
284
00:10:41,438 --> 00:10:42,604
No.
285
00:10:42,606 --> 00:10:44,355
I'm serious--
he was on the rebound.
286
00:10:44,357 --> 00:10:48,026
I told him to take some time
to pull himself together and...
287
00:10:48,028 --> 00:10:49,861
call me in a year
and a half.
288
00:10:49,863 --> 00:10:51,529
BARNEY:
Ah, great.
289
00:10:51,531 --> 00:10:52,864
What if he asks you out?
290
00:10:52,866 --> 00:10:55,450
What does that mean
for our relationship?
291
00:10:55,452 --> 00:10:58,536
What, are we planning to be
in some super-enlightened,
292
00:10:58,538 --> 00:11:00,288
forward-thinking marriage,
293
00:11:00,290 --> 00:11:03,158
where we don't get hung
up on the suffocating
294
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,577
and outdated principles
of monogamy,
295
00:11:05,579 --> 00:11:06,911
and instead enjoy
296
00:11:06,913 --> 00:11:08,580
the company of
multiple partners,
297
00:11:08,582 --> 00:11:12,366
sometimes bringing said
partners into our marital bed,
298
00:11:12,368 --> 00:11:14,535
but just girls, not dudes,
299
00:11:14,537 --> 00:11:16,671
except maybe one time just
to see what that's like?
300
00:11:16,673 --> 00:11:19,207
I mean, is that
what you want?
301
00:11:19,892 --> 00:11:21,142
No.
302
00:11:21,144 --> 00:11:23,178
Okay.
303
00:11:23,180 --> 00:11:25,180
Me, neither!
304
00:11:25,182 --> 00:11:27,599
Okay, Robin, look,
you-you need to call the Captain
305
00:11:27,601 --> 00:11:30,068
and let him down easy, okay?
306
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:32,237
Let him move on
with his life.
307
00:11:32,239 --> 00:11:35,389
Let him go out on his boat
with his old friends,
308
00:11:35,391 --> 00:11:37,742
maybe some new friends.
309
00:11:37,744 --> 00:11:41,029
Maybe let one of those
new friends steer the boat.
310
00:11:41,031 --> 00:11:44,082
Just so that one
of them could say,
311
00:11:44,084 --> 00:11:47,202
"Iceberg straighthead!"
312
00:11:47,204 --> 00:11:49,204
Fine.
313
00:11:49,206 --> 00:11:51,405
(sighs)
314
00:11:52,291 --> 00:11:54,042
Ahoy.
315
00:11:54,044 --> 00:11:56,410
Hi. Captain, it's Robin.
316
00:11:57,129 --> 00:11:57,962
Ahoy.
317
00:11:57,964 --> 00:11:59,514
Uh, look,
318
00:11:59,516 --> 00:12:01,432
I, uh, have to be
upfront with you.
319
00:12:01,434 --> 00:12:02,800
I'm engaged.
320
00:12:02,802 --> 00:12:04,919
Engaged? I thought you
were married to Marshall.
321
00:12:04,921 --> 00:12:07,105
This is Robin right?
322
00:12:07,107 --> 00:12:08,439
The redheaded
kindergarten teacher
323
00:12:08,441 --> 00:12:10,508
who wore the gray dress
and the blue shoes
324
00:12:10,510 --> 00:12:11,860
to that art show?
325
00:12:11,862 --> 00:12:13,561
Can you please
hold a moment?
326
00:12:13,563 --> 00:12:14,896
Dropping anchor.
327
00:12:16,065 --> 00:12:18,199
He's looking for Lily.
328
00:12:18,201 --> 00:12:20,151
Should I give him
her number?
329
00:12:20,153 --> 00:12:22,620
Yeah. We've already
discussed it.
330
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,605
It's $4 million cash.
331
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,658
Oh, her phone number.
332
00:12:26,660 --> 00:12:28,276
Yes, I don't think
she'll mind.
333
00:12:28,278 --> 00:12:30,628
You gave the Captain my number?
334
00:12:30,630 --> 00:12:32,881
She minds.
(sighs)
335
00:12:33,716 --> 00:12:35,583
It finally happened.
336
00:12:35,585 --> 00:12:38,136
My past finally caught up
with me.
337
00:12:38,138 --> 00:12:39,254
Oh, God.
338
00:12:39,256 --> 00:12:40,922
Lily, if you tell me that you
339
00:12:40,924 --> 00:12:42,757
slept with the Captain
for anything under 2.8,
340
00:12:42,759 --> 00:12:45,293
which we agreed was as low
as we were going to go...
341
00:12:45,295 --> 00:12:47,428
No, it's nothing like that.
342
00:12:47,430 --> 00:12:50,631
Do you guys remember the
last time we saw the Captain?
343
00:12:50,633 --> 00:12:52,066
ALL: Yes.
LILY: Oh, right.
344
00:12:52,068 --> 00:12:54,836
Of course you don't.
Barney, you weren't there.
345
00:12:54,838 --> 00:12:57,021
Ted, you had just floated out
of a Snoop Dogg B-side.
346
00:12:57,023 --> 00:12:59,157
And, Robin,
you had just come from that
347
00:12:59,159 --> 00:13:01,276
big meeting that ran long.
348
00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:07,481
(whooping)
349
00:13:07,483 --> 00:13:10,151
(imitating drums)
Delicious. Shrimpy for me.
350
00:13:10,153 --> 00:13:11,953
This place
is so fancy.
351
00:13:11,955 --> 00:13:14,539
I hope I don't
embarrass myself.
352
00:13:14,541 --> 00:13:17,759
Come on, Lily, you have nothing
to be embarrassed about.
353
00:13:19,545 --> 00:13:20,795
Dude!
354
00:13:20,797 --> 00:13:22,330
Look who's here!
355
00:13:22,332 --> 00:13:23,381
Daddy's...
356
00:13:23,383 --> 00:13:25,717
Nope.
Nope.
357
00:13:25,719 --> 00:13:27,485
Well, well.
(Ted shrieking)
358
00:13:27,487 --> 00:13:29,220
Ted Mosby, my old nemesis.
359
00:13:29,222 --> 00:13:32,223
Hello, sailor.
360
00:13:32,225 --> 00:13:33,391
ROBIN:
No!
361
00:13:33,393 --> 00:13:36,945
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
362
00:13:36,947 --> 00:13:39,731
Okay, yeah,
that's what happened.
363
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:42,150
This is Shelly,
my art consultant.
364
00:13:42,152 --> 00:13:43,117
(scoffs)
365
00:13:43,119 --> 00:13:44,619
Art consultant!
366
00:13:44,621 --> 00:13:46,437
What's that?
367
00:13:46,439 --> 00:13:48,189
Shelly helps the Captain
select artwork
368
00:13:48,191 --> 00:13:50,241
based on its aesthetic appeal
369
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:52,026
and its value
as an investment,
370
00:13:52,028 --> 00:13:54,495
which is why I think
she's gonna love
371
00:13:54,497 --> 00:13:55,863
this elephant painting.
372
00:13:55,865 --> 00:13:59,584
I think this artist
is going places.
373
00:13:59,586 --> 00:14:02,420
You'd have to be a real Dumbo
not to enjoy this painting.
374
00:14:02,422 --> 00:14:03,388
(laughs) Get it?
375
00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:04,922
'Cause he's an elephant?
376
00:14:04,924 --> 00:14:08,476
Your sense of humor is as
good as your taste in art.
377
00:14:08,478 --> 00:14:10,345
Captain?
378
00:14:10,347 --> 00:14:11,712
We'll talk tomorrow?
379
00:14:13,265 --> 00:14:14,649
If you like art,
380
00:14:14,651 --> 00:14:16,684
you should see the painting
I just acquired.
381
00:14:16,686 --> 00:14:17,735
It's in my...
382
00:14:17,737 --> 00:14:19,404
Manners.
383
00:14:19,406 --> 00:14:21,222
That's how that feels.
384
00:14:24,193 --> 00:14:27,161
In my apartment right upstairs.
385
00:14:27,163 --> 00:14:29,364
It's gonna blow you away.
386
00:14:29,366 --> 00:14:31,582
Snorkeling.
387
00:14:31,584 --> 00:14:34,168
LILY: Then, after I saved youfrom destroying
388
00:14:34,170 --> 00:14:35,503
a priceless crystal ashtray...
389
00:14:35,505 --> 00:14:36,954
You're welcome.
390
00:14:36,956 --> 00:14:38,172
(shrieks)
391
00:14:39,708 --> 00:14:42,576
Hello, my darling,
my one true love, my everything.
392
00:14:45,097 --> 00:14:48,850
So, who wants
to see that painting?
393
00:14:48,852 --> 00:14:50,968
Ooh, if you
show me yours,
394
00:14:50,970 --> 00:14:53,421
I'll show you mine.
395
00:14:53,423 --> 00:14:55,423
So we check out the painting.
396
00:14:55,425 --> 00:14:57,675
Huh. You know,
397
00:14:57,677 --> 00:15:00,028
that elephant painting
would look nice in here.
398
00:15:00,030 --> 00:15:01,562
You're looking at a masterpiece,
399
00:15:01,564 --> 00:15:04,032
and you're talking
about some elephant painting?
400
00:15:04,034 --> 00:15:06,984
TED (yelling):
No...!
401
00:15:06,986 --> 00:15:10,121
Oh, this one's nice, too.
402
00:15:10,123 --> 00:15:13,157
I just like
the elephant painting better.
403
00:15:13,159 --> 00:15:17,712
You know, it doesn't matter
what you like.
404
00:15:17,714 --> 00:15:20,214
You're just
a kindergarten teacher.
405
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:23,718
Ah, finally we're alone.
406
00:15:25,554 --> 00:15:27,088
(giggles)
407
00:15:28,223 --> 00:15:31,092
(snoring)
408
00:15:31,094 --> 00:15:33,311
Oh, no, Lily, what did you do?
409
00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:35,163
He was a jerk--
he deserved to have
410
00:15:35,165 --> 00:15:37,348
that precious painting stolen.
411
00:15:37,350 --> 00:15:39,067
Oh, God, Lily, you didn't...?
412
00:15:39,069 --> 00:15:40,601
Of course I didn't.
413
00:15:41,403 --> 00:15:43,688
I stole this ashtray instead.
414
00:15:48,137 --> 00:15:50,432
Lily!
Hey, you know the rules.
415
00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:53,700
You misbehave, I take away
one of your toys.
416
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,418
Aldrin Justice, baby.
417
00:15:55,420 --> 00:15:57,137
So you're telling me
that that ashtray
418
00:15:57,139 --> 00:15:58,571
that's been in our apartment
419
00:15:58,573 --> 00:16:00,173
for over a year and a half
420
00:16:00,175 --> 00:16:02,459
is not only stolen,
but also very expensive.
421
00:16:02,461 --> 00:16:04,294
Both of those things-- yes.
422
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,796
Guys, can you leave us alone
for a minute, please?
423
00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:08,798
Ooh, they're gonna do it.
424
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,050
No, we're gonna fight.
425
00:16:11,052 --> 00:16:13,386
And then maybe afterwards
we'll do it.
426
00:16:14,772 --> 00:16:16,006
I can't believe
427
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:17,357
that was the same ashtray.
428
00:16:17,359 --> 00:16:18,942
I should've recognized it.
429
00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:20,944
I know-- me, too.
430
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:22,762
Barney, you weren't there.
431
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:25,264
Why is it so important that
you be part of this story?
432
00:16:25,266 --> 00:16:28,034
Because crazy stories
are my thing.
433
00:16:28,036 --> 00:16:29,486
You have architecture,
434
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:30,620
Marshall has the law,
435
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:31,821
Lily has art,
436
00:16:31,823 --> 00:16:33,657
Robin has pleasing
me sexually.
437
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:36,076
You all have a passion
that drives you.
438
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:37,944
Well, if I have a passion,
it's taking life
439
00:16:37,946 --> 00:16:40,330
and turning it into a
series of crazy stories.
440
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:43,083
If you can do that
without me, then...
441
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,386
I don't even know
who I am anymore.
442
00:16:49,623 --> 00:16:50,924
You know what, Barney?
443
00:16:50,926 --> 00:16:53,426
Now that I think about it,
444
00:16:53,428 --> 00:16:54,794
you were there.
445
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:55,729
That's right, you were.
446
00:16:55,731 --> 00:16:56,763
I was?
Yeah.
447
00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,297
I mean, I know I was.
448
00:16:58,299 --> 00:17:00,850
That's what I'm
saying, guys.
449
00:17:00,852 --> 00:17:04,604
We just, uh... we just didn't
realize it because...
450
00:17:04,606 --> 00:17:06,406
you were in disguise.
451
00:17:06,408 --> 00:17:07,691
Yeah, you were doing, uh,
452
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,409
one of your plays
from the playbook.
453
00:17:09,411 --> 00:17:11,578
On Shelly, the art consultant.
454
00:17:11,580 --> 00:17:14,280
Yes, it was, uh, some play
that had to do with art...
455
00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:16,983
The Royal Archduke
of Grand Fenwick?
456
00:17:16,985 --> 00:17:18,585
A simple play
you can do
457
00:17:18,587 --> 00:17:20,837
using two everyday
household objects--
458
00:17:20,839 --> 00:17:22,155
a Prussian
military costume
459
00:17:22,157 --> 00:17:23,673
and an oil painting
of yourself?
460
00:17:23,675 --> 00:17:26,543
That's the one,
and it worked on Shelly.
461
00:17:27,378 --> 00:17:28,828
I totally nailed her!
462
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:31,464
And then I nailed her sister
who was even hotter.
463
00:17:31,466 --> 00:17:33,049
(laughing)
464
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:35,185
Good times.
465
00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:37,336
You are gonna return that
ashtray, and you're gonna pray
466
00:17:37,338 --> 00:17:39,439
that he doesn't press charges,
because I can't be
467
00:17:39,441 --> 00:17:41,507
in a marriage where
one of us is in prison.
468
00:17:41,509 --> 00:17:43,393
I know that we role-play
conjugal visits a lot,
469
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:45,395
but I can't do that
for realsies.
470
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,180
I'm sorry--
all rulings are final.
471
00:17:47,182 --> 00:17:48,748
I am not taking it back.
472
00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:50,366
Oh, my God!
473
00:17:50,368 --> 00:17:51,451
Lily,
474
00:17:51,453 --> 00:17:53,119
what is the big deal?
475
00:17:53,121 --> 00:17:54,370
Okay, so what?
476
00:17:54,372 --> 00:17:56,372
So he said you're just
a kindergarten teacher.
477
00:17:56,374 --> 00:17:57,907
Why do you let that bother you?
478
00:17:57,909 --> 00:17:59,209
Because he was right.
479
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,327
I am just
a kindergarten teacher.
480
00:18:01,329 --> 00:18:02,962
And, yes,
I have a degree
481
00:18:02,964 --> 00:18:05,582
in art history and I was meant
to do something with it,
482
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:06,833
but I didn't.
483
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:08,201
Somewhere along
the line,
484
00:18:08,203 --> 00:18:10,804
I forgot to pursue
my dream, and...
485
00:18:10,806 --> 00:18:14,424
and now I'm old and I'm a mom
and it's just too late for me.
486
00:18:14,426 --> 00:18:15,759
Lily, okay, okay.
487
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,376
It's too late.
No, no, no, it's not too...
488
00:18:17,378 --> 00:18:18,845
it's not too late.
489
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:20,730
You're gonna quit
your job tomorrow,
490
00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:23,650
and you're gonna...
you're gonna go back and pick up
491
00:18:23,652 --> 00:18:25,819
right where you left off
with that art stuff.
492
00:18:25,821 --> 00:18:27,386
And then you know what?
493
00:18:27,388 --> 00:18:30,607
I'm gonna find Shelly, and I'm
gonna punch her in the face.
494
00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:32,826
I am-- I'm gonna
punch a girl...
495
00:18:32,828 --> 00:18:34,727
and run away.
496
00:18:34,729 --> 00:18:37,280
Look.
497
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,998
I promise you,
498
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,252
your best
and your most exciting days
499
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:44,420
are all ahead of you.
500
00:18:45,239 --> 00:18:49,108
I love you so much
for saying that,
501
00:18:49,110 --> 00:18:51,928
but there gets to be
a point in life
502
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:55,014
where that just
stops being true.
503
00:18:56,183 --> 00:18:59,052
I'm sorry I stole this.
504
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,854
I'll return it
first thing tomorrow.
505
00:19:00,856 --> 00:19:03,273
NARRATOR: And so the next day,Lily returned
506
00:19:03,275 --> 00:19:05,058
to the Captain's apartment.
507
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:06,559
Well, how about that.
508
00:19:06,561 --> 00:19:08,394
I didn't even realize
it was gone.
509
00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:10,947
No harm done.
510
00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:13,733
Wait, if you weren't calling
about the ashtray,
511
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,485
then why'd you want to see me?
512
00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:16,870
Follow me.
513
00:19:20,774 --> 00:19:22,208
Oh, my gosh.
514
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:24,878
Yep, that night,
I ducked back down
515
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,579
into the gallery and bought it.
516
00:19:26,581 --> 00:19:28,281
Shelly didn't stop you?
517
00:19:28,283 --> 00:19:31,084
Shelly was off with some
archduke she met at the party.
518
00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:33,469
No, I just... well,
519
00:19:33,471 --> 00:19:36,005
I liked what you said
about how you just liked it.
520
00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:37,757
I still do.
521
00:19:37,759 --> 00:19:39,893
Me, too.
522
00:19:39,895 --> 00:19:41,792
Anyway, I just sold
it for $4 million.
523
00:19:41,817 --> 00:19:42,680
What?
524
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:45,098
In the year and a half
since I bought this piece,
525
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,067
the artist has turned into
a huge star in the art world.
526
00:19:48,069 --> 00:19:50,103
The next Basquiat,
they're saying.
527
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,988
And nobody saw it coming
except you.
528
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:55,608
So I've decided to give you
half my earnings from the sale.
529
00:19:55,610 --> 00:19:57,476
(gasps)
I'm just kidding.
530
00:19:57,478 --> 00:19:59,495
I'm not giving you
two million bucks.
531
00:19:59,497 --> 00:20:01,647
(groans)
I mean, I could.
532
00:20:01,649 --> 00:20:03,816
Easily-- it wouldn't even
make a dent for me.
533
00:20:03,818 --> 00:20:06,703
But trust me,
the tax code being what it is,
534
00:20:06,705 --> 00:20:08,955
you do not want
to be rich right now.
535
00:20:08,957 --> 00:20:10,707
So here's what I'm thinking.
536
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,675
I want to get back
in the art game,
537
00:20:12,677 --> 00:20:15,595
and I need a new art consultant.
538
00:20:16,297 --> 00:20:19,632
Wait, are you offering me a job?
539
00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:21,134
If you want it.
540
00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,886
What do you say?
541
00:20:24,021 --> 00:20:25,772
And she said yes.
Guys, it was amazing!
542
00:20:25,774 --> 00:20:27,006
You should have been there.
Barney!
543
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,441
You were not there.
Let her tell her story.
544
00:20:28,443 --> 00:20:29,576
Guys!
You were not there.
545
00:20:29,578 --> 00:20:32,445
What did you say, baby?
546
00:20:32,447 --> 00:20:34,113
I said yes.
547
00:20:34,115 --> 00:20:35,514
Ha! Told you!
548
00:20:35,516 --> 00:20:38,585
How would I know that
she was going to say...?
549
00:20:41,213 --> 00:20:43,481
♪
550
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:01,500
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
551
00:21:08,596 --> 00:21:10,463
(bell rings)
37651
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