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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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NARRATOR: Kids, early in thisstory, you may recall me saying
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something alongthe lines of...
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Okay, no more dating.
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I am ready to settle down.
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And at the time,I probably thought I meant it.
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But, kids, I'll be honest.
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Being single's fun.
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As a young unattached manin New York City,
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I had a great time.
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A great time.
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What was I saying? Oh, yeah.
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I had such a great time thatit took someone very special
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to make me want to settle down.
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And that someone...
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was Jeanette.
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What made Jeanette so special?
Well...
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That was a foul!
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(glass shatters)
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Jeanette was the last girlI dated
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before I met your mother.
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The girl who finally got meto say...
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No more dating.
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I'm ready to settle down.
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NARRATOR:
...and really mean it.
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Oh!
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x16 ♪
Bad Crazy
Original Air Date on February 11, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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NARRATOR:
But let's back up a little bit.
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She broke your TV
with a beer bottle?
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In her defense,
she was aiming for the window.
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Dude, you gotta get rid
of this girl.
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Agreed.
Cray-cray gotta go bye-bye
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before you get stab-stabbed.
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Oh, really?
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And are you guys saying this
because you don't want me
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to be with Jeanette,
or because you want me
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to stay single so you guys
can keep your clubhouse?
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J'accuse!
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NARRATOR:
I had a point,
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and they knew it.
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You see, in early 2013,
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I was the only single guyin the group.
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Which meant whenever Marshallor Barney bought something
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they weren't allowed to keepin their apartments...
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♪
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You know what, Ted?
That reminds me.
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I just bought this
antique Swiss clock,
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but Robin won't let us put it
in the apartment,
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so I was gonna leave it
at your place.
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Only problem? It's broken.
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So I was just gonna sit here
and try to fix it
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while maybe you tell us what you
and Jeanette did last night?
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Okay. Well, uh, Jeanette
is a big Marilyn Monroe fan.
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(clock cuckoos)
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There you go!
Now it's working!
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Sorry. Sorry. Go on. Go on.
She's a Marilyn Monroe fan
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so I guess you watched
one of her movies?
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Uh, No, we had a séance.
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(clock cuckoos)
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Look at that! Good as new.
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Anyway, were you able
to contact Marilyn
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in the spirit world?
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No. We talked to her cat.
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(clock cuckooing)
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Screw loose!
That's the problem.
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(Marvin crying)
Uh-oh.
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Looks like somebody's
hungry.
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I'm gonna get
his food ready.
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Robin, can you grab him?
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Can I? Try and stop me!
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NARRATOR: Now, kids,what Lily didn't realize--
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what none of us realized,in fact-- was that
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in the eight months since your
cousin Marvin was born,
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Robin had never once held him.
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The truth was, the thoughtof holding him terrified her,
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so she had always avoided it,ever so discreetly.
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Can you hold...
Oh, shoot! Look at that!
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Oh, geez.
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I got him.
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Come here,
you little munchkin.
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Aw, man...
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Oh, well, I call next.
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Well, I should go. It's time
for Jeanette's... something.
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Time for Jeanette's what, Ted?
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Uh, we're taking her dog
to an exorcist.
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Wow, Ted, that sounds...
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Crap, it's really broken now.
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Okay, fine. I admit it.
She's crazy.
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Obviously.
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But I'm not in this
for the long haul.
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It's just, you know,
it's just fun.
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Of course it's fun, at first.
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But then when she starts calling
out the name of her
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high school science teacher
in the throes of passion,
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it's really fun.
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But then when she starts
bringing knives into bed
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and making you fear
for your safety?
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It's really, really fun.
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But then when she starts
unbuttoning your pants
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while you're being forced
to drive blindfolded
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down the freeway
with a gun pointed at your...
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I'm sorry,
what were we talking about?
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Jeanette.
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Oh, right. That girl's crazy.
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You gotta break up with her.
I know.
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I know. You're right.
I-I have to break up with her.
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I should do it
in a public place, though,
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so she doesn't flip out.
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NARRATOR: So the next night,I met her in a public place
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so she wouldn't flip out.
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I will kill you, ref!
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I will kill you in front
of all these people!
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Oh, boy.
What, you think I won't
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just 'cause I'm in
a public place?!
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I'll go to jail for the rest
of my life if I have to!
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(clears throat)
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Listen, before the game starts,
I think we need to talk.
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I can't believe
Ted's dead.
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I know.
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What a way to go.
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Killed by a bazooka.
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All right, all right,
so I'm not on my game today.
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Anyway...
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I gotta hop out for a bit.
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You guys stay here.
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Oh, and, um,
if Jeanette comes by,
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do not let her into
the apartment.
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Don't let her in. Got it.
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Guys, this is serious.
This girl is like bedbugs.
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Once she's in the apartment,
there's no getting her out.
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Ted, buddy, (clears throat)
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how long have we been dealing
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with Barney's insane
girlfriends? Years.
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Nigh on a decade!
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I had to testify
in five competency hearings.
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I think we can handle Jeanette.
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Okay, okay.
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See you soon.
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(Marshall scoffs)
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That kid. Am I right?
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(knocking)
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Now look who forgot his keys.
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(shrieks)
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What is it?
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(screams)
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NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Lily and Robinwere out getting lunch,
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when disaster struck.
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Oh, God, I left his binky
on that bus!
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Wait. Don't you have
other binkies?
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That one's his favorite!
He'll know the difference!
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I'm not gonna let
this be the reason
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he resents me later in life!
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If he starts crying,
just pick him up!
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(Marvin crying)
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What? Uh, uh...
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Okay, okay.
Yeah, there, there, there. Okay.
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Hey, I'm back.
Did I miss anything?
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Nope.
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Did Jeanette come by?
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Jeanette? I know
lots of Jeanettes.
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Um... (mutters)
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Guys!
Okay, she came by
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because she forgot
her book.
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So we let her go up
in your room and get it.
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And then?
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And then what?
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And then she left?
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I think she left.
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(glass shatters upstairs)
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Are you sure she left?
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I am... 90% sure...
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that she left.
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(loud thudding upstairs)
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80 percent.
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(glass shatters)
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Actually, I'm gonna
change my answer.
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I am now starting to
think she never left,
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and instead she barricaded
herself in your room.
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And I'm never coming out!
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A hundred percent.
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I cannot believe
you guys!
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Well, maybe if you had given us
a warning that she was crazy!
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Dude, it's okay.
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She can't stay
in there forever.
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She'll have to come out
to eat and drink
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and go to the bathroom, right?
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NARRATOR:
Now, a few months earlier,
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the East Coast had been hitby a bad storm,
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and some intelligent,forward-thinking
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New Yorkers took itas a wake-up call,
191
00:07:44,206 --> 00:07:46,423
making sure to stocktheir bedrooms with enough
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food and water to last months,
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00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,426
not to mention a portable waste
management system.
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It was reallythe smart thing to do.
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You dumbass!
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00:07:54,884 --> 00:07:58,635
Really, Ted. How could you be so
unbelievably stupid?
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No, no, you guys are the ones
who invited
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00:08:01,006 --> 00:08:03,974
a vampire into my apartment!
This is your fault!
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00:08:03,976 --> 00:08:05,559
And P.S., if this disaster
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00:08:05,561 --> 00:08:08,028
had been a superstorm
instead of a hot lunatic,
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00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:10,731
you'd all be begging to eat
my freeze-dried protein paste
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00:08:10,733 --> 00:08:13,700
and crap in my biohazard bucket.
Just sayin'.
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I got it.
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00:08:14,770 --> 00:08:16,370
It was on the
floor of the bus.
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00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:20,023
I should
probably throw it out. Eh.
206
00:08:20,691 --> 00:08:22,292
Did he give you any problems?
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00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,745
He cried a little,
but then he stopped.
208
00:08:24,747 --> 00:08:27,965
Oh, good.
Anything else happen?
209
00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,366
Nope.
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00:08:29,368 --> 00:08:31,885
That... is... it.
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00:08:33,855 --> 00:08:35,923
All gone!
212
00:08:35,925 --> 00:08:37,641
We have to do this more often.
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00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:39,226
Oh, we totally do.
214
00:08:39,228 --> 00:08:41,011
I can't believe Marvin's
in kindergarten.
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00:08:41,013 --> 00:08:42,980
He's growing up so fast.
216
00:08:42,982 --> 00:08:45,566
Can I confess something to you?
217
00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:49,236
Remember the day you left
Marvin's binky on the bus
218
00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:52,022
and you left me alone with him?
Yeah.
219
00:08:52,024 --> 00:08:55,058
Well, I didn't tell you this
at the time, but...
220
00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:56,410
(Marvin crying)
221
00:08:56,412 --> 00:09:00,447
Okay, okay.
Yeah, there, there, there.
222
00:09:00,449 --> 00:09:01,731
Okay, shh, shh.
223
00:09:01,733 --> 00:09:05,568
Oh, no, it looks like
somebody's not happy.
224
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:06,920
No kidding.
I'm miserable.
225
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:08,188
Listen to this thing.
226
00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:11,091
He probably just wants
to be held.
227
00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:12,676
I think you're right.
228
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,761
Can you do it?
229
00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,597
All right.
230
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:19,582
Come here, handsome. Oh.
Yeah.
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00:09:19,584 --> 00:09:21,184
(crying stops)
Yes.
232
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,936
Oh.
233
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:25,422
I let a stranger pick up Marvin.
I'm sorry.
234
00:09:25,424 --> 00:09:27,357
It's just, I hadn't actually
picked him up
235
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:29,226
at that point,
and I was scared, so...
236
00:09:29,228 --> 00:09:31,528
You know what?
It was four years ago.
237
00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:34,865
He's obviously fine.
Don't even worry about it.
238
00:09:34,867 --> 00:09:36,316
Really?
Yeah.
239
00:09:36,318 --> 00:09:38,151
Thank you.
240
00:09:38,153 --> 00:09:41,271
I mean, as long as there's
not more to that story.
241
00:09:41,273 --> 00:09:45,409
Nope. That... is... it.
242
00:09:47,445 --> 00:09:49,379
Jeanette, you
have to leave!
243
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:50,414
JEANETTE:
In a minute!
244
00:09:50,416 --> 00:09:52,582
I still haven't
found that book!
245
00:09:52,584 --> 00:09:53,783
(loud crashing)
246
00:09:53,785 --> 00:09:55,802
Listen, Jeanette,
I didn't want to do this,
247
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:58,121
but I called the police.
They're on their way.
248
00:09:58,123 --> 00:09:59,806
WOMAN (over radio):
All units, all units.
249
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,391
Possible 10-90 in progress
250
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,428
at 521 West 82nd,
apartment 15.
251
00:10:04,430 --> 00:10:05,846
Where's that coming from?
252
00:10:05,848 --> 00:10:07,297
Is that you, Dolores?
253
00:10:07,299 --> 00:10:09,349
Jeanette?
Hey, girl. How you been?
254
00:10:09,351 --> 00:10:11,902
Oh, you know, I'm just doing me.
255
00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:14,571
Anyway, I'll check out
that 10-90.
256
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,657
Okay, but remember...
257
00:10:16,659 --> 00:10:18,408
I know, no excessive force.
258
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,078
Last thing I need is another
suspension, am I right? (laughs)
259
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,247
NARRATOR: And that, kids,was how I found out
260
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:26,216
what Jeanette did for a living.
261
00:10:26,218 --> 00:10:28,168
Wait a second.
262
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:30,153
(Boston accent):
Is she a cop?!
263
00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:31,204
(Boston accent):
I think she's a cop!
264
00:10:31,206 --> 00:10:32,873
Did you know
she was a cop?!
265
00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:35,175
I didn't know
she was a cop!
266
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:38,595
Ted, I'm sorry I have to say
this-- Jeanette lives here now.
267
00:10:38,597 --> 00:10:40,797
This is her place.
You're gonna have to leave.
268
00:10:40,799 --> 00:10:41,798
What?
269
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:42,849
Why don't you have to leave?
270
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:44,434
JEANETTE:
They can stay.
271
00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:47,521
Thank you, Officer Jeanette.
Thank you, Officer Jeanette.
272
00:10:49,540 --> 00:10:50,673
All gone. (giggles)
273
00:10:50,675 --> 00:10:52,025
We need to do this more often.
274
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:53,310
We totally do.
I can't believe
275
00:10:53,312 --> 00:10:54,811
Marvin's in middle school.
276
00:10:54,813 --> 00:10:56,113
Oh, he's growing up so fast.
277
00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:59,282
Can I confess something to you?
278
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,068
Remember that day
you left Marvin's binky
279
00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:03,487
on the bus and I let
that old lady pick him up?
280
00:11:03,489 --> 00:11:06,456
I seem to recall
that was the entire story.
281
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,792
There's a little bit more.
282
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:10,360
There, there, little one.
283
00:11:10,362 --> 00:11:13,296
Let's put you back
in your strolly-poo,
284
00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:16,967
so you can drift off
to dreamy-dreamy land.
285
00:11:18,336 --> 00:11:20,420
Oh, thank you
so much.
286
00:11:20,422 --> 00:11:22,089
Yeah, this is my first time
alone with him,
287
00:11:22,091 --> 00:11:24,641
and, you know, um, I have this
weird feeling that I'm gonna,
288
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:27,344
I don't know, like, drop him
or injure him in some way,
289
00:11:27,346 --> 00:11:28,979
which is completely insane.
290
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:30,647
But... (laughs)
Oh, heavens.
291
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:31,815
Oh, my God!
292
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:32,566
Oh, my God.
293
00:11:32,568 --> 00:11:34,484
I know, I'm so sorry.
294
00:11:34,486 --> 00:11:35,902
Well, you know what?
295
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:38,321
That was what, 12 years ago?
296
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:39,906
Don't even worry about it.
297
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,158
Really?
Yeah.
298
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,360
Oh, thank you.
299
00:11:43,362 --> 00:11:46,113
Just promise me
there's no more to that story.
300
00:11:47,064 --> 00:11:50,167
Nope, that is it.
301
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:53,903
Are you sure
you want to do this?
302
00:11:53,905 --> 00:11:55,088
The girl's a cop.
303
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:59,009
Yeah, this seems
like a really bad idea.
304
00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:00,410
I don't care.
305
00:12:00,412 --> 00:12:02,679
I am going into
that bedroom
306
00:12:02,681 --> 00:12:04,131
because this is my home
307
00:12:04,133 --> 00:12:06,433
and I have to defend it.
308
00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,218
But mostly because
309
00:12:08,220 --> 00:12:10,086
my allergy medication
310
00:12:10,088 --> 00:12:12,422
is in there!
311
00:12:12,424 --> 00:12:14,090
All right, just
be careful, okay?
312
00:12:14,092 --> 00:12:15,809
This girl is
really crazy.
313
00:12:15,811 --> 00:12:19,095
Yeah, why can't she just accept
the fact that you guys broke up?
314
00:12:19,097 --> 00:12:21,982
I know, I know, why can't
she just accept that?
315
00:12:21,984 --> 00:12:23,900
Why, it's, like, why?
316
00:12:23,902 --> 00:12:26,436
(dramatic music plays)
317
00:12:26,438 --> 00:12:29,105
It might be because
we didn't actually break up.
318
00:12:29,107 --> 00:12:30,624
(record scratches, music stops)
Aw, man.
319
00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:33,577
Jeanette, come on,
that's vintage vinyl.
320
00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:40,184
Ted, did you
or didn't you break up
321
00:12:40,284 --> 00:12:41,766
with Jeanette last night?
322
00:12:41,768 --> 00:12:44,736
I don't know,
it's kind of confusing.
323
00:12:44,738 --> 00:12:47,089
I think we need to talk.
324
00:12:47,091 --> 00:12:49,491
Oh, oh, okay.
325
00:12:49,493 --> 00:12:51,326
I see where this is going.
326
00:12:51,328 --> 00:12:53,328
You're in love with Lily.
327
00:12:53,330 --> 00:12:54,496
That's it, isn't it?
328
00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:56,381
What? No, I...
329
00:12:56,383 --> 00:12:59,117
Like I should be surprised
with her fancy medical degree
330
00:12:59,119 --> 00:13:01,386
and her sexy Southern drawl.
331
00:13:01,388 --> 00:13:02,638
What? She's not...
332
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,256
Don't talk to me,
don't look at me.
333
00:13:04,258 --> 00:13:07,142
I hate you and I never
want to see you again!
334
00:13:08,794 --> 00:13:10,145
And then things got crazy
335
00:13:10,147 --> 00:13:12,814
and we got thrown out
of the Barclays Center.
336
00:13:12,816 --> 00:13:16,068
I don't know, it felt
pretty breakup-y.
337
00:13:16,070 --> 00:13:17,969
Mm.
Anyway,
338
00:13:17,971 --> 00:13:20,656
we parted on pretty
bad terms, so...
339
00:13:20,658 --> 00:13:23,241
I kind of thought maybe
I could...
340
00:13:23,243 --> 00:13:24,776
Never contact her again
and hope she'd take
341
00:13:24,778 --> 00:13:26,478
the hint and just
leave you alone?
342
00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,030
Barney, give me some credit.
343
00:13:28,032 --> 00:13:30,582
Was that the plan?
Yes.
344
00:13:32,502 --> 00:13:34,119
All gone.
We need to do this more often.
345
00:13:34,121 --> 00:13:35,253
We totally do.
346
00:13:35,255 --> 00:13:36,538
I can't believe Marvin's
in high school.
347
00:13:36,540 --> 00:13:37,655
He's growing up so fast.
348
00:13:37,657 --> 00:13:39,624
Can I confess something to you?
Oh, no. What?
349
00:13:39,626 --> 00:13:40,825
What happened?
350
00:13:40,827 --> 00:13:42,961
Tell me what you did to my son.
351
00:13:43,930 --> 00:13:46,848
This is not going
well at all.
352
00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:48,283
Oh, honey, you are shaking.
353
00:13:48,285 --> 00:13:49,935
Let's get you out
of the cold.
354
00:13:49,937 --> 00:13:51,937
What's open near here?
355
00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:53,772
♪
356
00:13:55,274 --> 00:13:58,676
You took my infant child
to a strip club?
357
00:13:58,678 --> 00:13:59,895
It was just topless.
358
00:13:59,897 --> 00:14:01,863
He saw yours
all the time anyway.
359
00:14:01,865 --> 00:14:03,799
Okay, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have done that,
360
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:05,701
but that is all there is.
361
00:14:05,703 --> 00:14:07,402
Okay, there is no more
to the story.
362
00:14:07,404 --> 00:14:09,204
I have now told you everything.
363
00:14:09,206 --> 00:14:11,440
ROBIN:
All gone.
364
00:14:11,442 --> 00:14:13,992
We need to do this more often.
We totally do.
365
00:14:13,994 --> 00:14:15,660
I can't believe
Marvin's driving.
366
00:14:15,662 --> 00:14:16,962
He's growing up so fast.
367
00:14:16,964 --> 00:14:18,380
Okay, there's one other thing.
368
00:14:18,382 --> 00:14:19,548
What?
369
00:14:19,550 --> 00:14:21,666
Well, I have to go use
the ladies' room.
370
00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:23,552
Can you watch him for me?
371
00:14:23,554 --> 00:14:24,702
Of course.
372
00:14:24,704 --> 00:14:26,471
I could just eat you up.
373
00:14:26,473 --> 00:14:28,056
(laughs)
374
00:14:28,058 --> 00:14:30,542
You left him
with a complete stranger?
375
00:14:30,544 --> 00:14:31,876
He could've been...
376
00:14:31,878 --> 00:14:33,478
Robin, how could you?
Lily,
377
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,564
please, okay,
it was 16 years ago.
378
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:37,816
He's fine.
379
00:14:37,818 --> 00:14:39,184
You're right.
380
00:14:39,186 --> 00:14:41,219
It's fine.
(sighs)
381
00:14:41,221 --> 00:14:45,273
God, it feels so good to have
gotten this off my chest.
382
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:47,442
Finally it is all on the table.
383
00:14:47,444 --> 00:14:50,112
All secrets are exposed
and there is nothing left
384
00:14:50,114 --> 00:14:51,663
to be revealed.
385
00:14:52,515 --> 00:14:54,116
All gone.
We need to do this more...
386
00:14:54,118 --> 00:14:55,867
There's more to the story.
Damn it, Robin.
387
00:14:55,869 --> 00:14:57,869
What could you possibly
have left out?
388
00:14:57,871 --> 00:15:00,422
It's just there's, um,
389
00:15:00,424 --> 00:15:05,427
one little detail that
I may have slightly altered.
390
00:15:05,429 --> 00:15:07,546
If he starts crying,
just pick him up.
391
00:15:07,548 --> 00:15:09,714
(Marvin crying)
392
00:15:11,717 --> 00:15:13,552
Yeah, there, there.
393
00:15:13,554 --> 00:15:15,470
Come on,
buddy, shh.
394
00:15:15,472 --> 00:15:17,522
Looks like
somebody's unhappy.
395
00:15:17,524 --> 00:15:19,191
No kidding, I'm miserable.
396
00:15:19,193 --> 00:15:20,609
Listen to this thing.
397
00:15:20,611 --> 00:15:22,110
Maybe he needs to be held.
398
00:15:22,112 --> 00:15:24,362
I think you're right.
399
00:15:24,364 --> 00:15:26,198
Can you do it?
400
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,566
Sure.
401
00:15:27,568 --> 00:15:28,933
Come here, handsome.
402
00:15:28,935 --> 00:15:30,485
Come here, come here,
you handsome devil, you.
403
00:15:30,487 --> 00:15:31,736
(crying stops)
You're such a beautiful...
404
00:15:31,738 --> 00:15:33,205
Aw, you're such
a cool dude.
405
00:15:33,207 --> 00:15:35,874
Oh, look at you, oh.
406
00:15:35,876 --> 00:15:37,576
All right, there, there,
little one, there, there.
407
00:15:37,578 --> 00:15:39,961
Let me put you back
in your strolly-poo
408
00:15:39,963 --> 00:15:43,114
so you can drift off
to dreamy-dreamy land.
409
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:45,083
Okay? All right.
410
00:15:45,085 --> 00:15:46,134
Thank you so much.
411
00:15:46,136 --> 00:15:47,219
Hey, don't worry about it.
412
00:15:47,221 --> 00:15:48,336
It's my first time
alone with him,
413
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:49,554
and I just have
this weird feeling
414
00:15:49,556 --> 00:15:50,839
I'm gonna drop him
415
00:15:50,841 --> 00:15:52,007
or injure him in some way.
416
00:15:52,009 --> 00:15:53,175
I know it's completely
insane...
417
00:15:53,177 --> 00:15:54,392
Oh, heavens, oh,
watch it, no!
418
00:15:54,394 --> 00:15:55,760
(screams): No!
419
00:15:56,479 --> 00:15:59,431
This is not going well at all.
420
00:15:59,433 --> 00:16:00,599
(sighs)
421
00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:02,767
Oh, hon, you're shaking.
422
00:16:02,769 --> 00:16:03,735
Let's get out
of the cold.
423
00:16:03,737 --> 00:16:05,487
Is there anything open
near here?
424
00:16:05,489 --> 00:16:06,822
(sighs)
425
00:16:06,824 --> 00:16:08,473
♪
426
00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:12,194
Hey, I need to go to the ladies'
room-- can you watch him for me?
427
00:16:12,196 --> 00:16:14,446
Of course.
I could just eat you up.
428
00:16:14,448 --> 00:16:16,581
Look at you,
yum, yum, yum, yum.
429
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:20,869
You waited 17 years to tell me
430
00:16:20,871 --> 00:16:24,089
that you met the greatest boxer
of all time?
431
00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:28,460
My son was rocked to sleep
by Senator Mike Tyson?
432
00:16:28,462 --> 00:16:30,929
I wanted to tell you, believe me.
How could you...?
433
00:16:30,931 --> 00:16:33,098
Okay, this is the
right thing to do.
434
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,884
You got to go up there and
break up with her for real.
435
00:16:35,886 --> 00:16:37,669
And don't worry,
if anything happens,
436
00:16:37,671 --> 00:16:39,688
just scream,
we'll come rescue you.
437
00:16:39,690 --> 00:16:41,356
Okay.
438
00:16:41,358 --> 00:16:43,525
(laughs)
439
00:16:59,458 --> 00:17:02,410
Did you guys not hear me
screaming up there?
440
00:17:02,412 --> 00:17:04,629
Aw, I feel so awful.
441
00:17:04,631 --> 00:17:05,797
We went to get subs.
442
00:17:05,799 --> 00:17:07,499
We got you one though.
443
00:17:07,501 --> 00:17:09,551
We didn't get you one.
444
00:17:10,503 --> 00:17:12,337
So, Jeanette's squatting
in your room?
445
00:17:12,339 --> 00:17:13,955
What are you guys doing here?
446
00:17:13,957 --> 00:17:16,174
We heard you screaming
from three blocks away.
447
00:17:16,176 --> 00:17:17,309
Why is she in there?
448
00:17:17,311 --> 00:17:19,261
Lily, there is no reason why.
449
00:17:19,263 --> 00:17:21,513
That's like asking
why is the earth round?
450
00:17:21,515 --> 00:17:23,381
Why does the sun come up
in the morning?
451
00:17:23,383 --> 00:17:24,849
What do I do for a living?
452
00:17:24,851 --> 00:17:27,686
There are some questions we're
not meant to know the answer to.
453
00:17:27,688 --> 00:17:30,989
Crazy girls are crazy
because they're crazy.
454
00:17:30,991 --> 00:17:33,191
I-I don't think it's
quite that simple.
455
00:17:33,193 --> 00:17:34,359
I was talking
456
00:17:34,361 --> 00:17:36,244
to a friend of mine
about Ted and Jeanette.
457
00:17:36,246 --> 00:17:38,229
Oh, great, what
friend is this?
458
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:42,150
Uh, just this wise
old lady that I know.
459
00:17:42,152 --> 00:17:43,485
Here's the thing
about crazy.
460
00:17:43,487 --> 00:17:45,837
When a guy sends mixed
signals to a girl,
461
00:17:45,839 --> 00:17:48,390
it takes a toll on her
psychological well-being.
462
00:17:48,392 --> 00:17:50,926
You want to know why
a girl acts crazy,
463
00:17:50,928 --> 00:17:52,510
look at the guy she's dating.
464
00:17:52,512 --> 00:17:54,412
Then you really see some crazy.
465
00:17:54,414 --> 00:17:56,348
Trust me.
466
00:17:57,633 --> 00:18:00,435
Are you Mike Tyson?
467
00:18:00,437 --> 00:18:01,469
Now, hold on.
468
00:18:01,471 --> 00:18:03,921
I've dated tons
of crazy girls in my life,
469
00:18:03,923 --> 00:18:08,426
and not once have I ever treated
them with anything other than...
470
00:18:08,428 --> 00:18:09,811
Oh, right, I'm a monster.
471
00:18:09,813 --> 00:18:13,064
Maybe the old lady
with the face tattoo is right.
472
00:18:13,066 --> 00:18:15,933
Maybe the reason Jeanette's
acting this way
473
00:18:15,935 --> 00:18:17,202
is Ted.
474
00:18:17,204 --> 00:18:19,154
Me? How is this my fault?
475
00:18:19,156 --> 00:18:21,456
Yeah, come on, this is Ted
we're talking about.
476
00:18:21,458 --> 00:18:23,575
I'm sure he didn't do anything
to lead her on
477
00:18:23,577 --> 00:18:26,077
or send mixed signals,
right, Ted?
478
00:18:27,246 --> 00:18:29,247
Don't talk to me,
don't look at me.
479
00:18:29,249 --> 00:18:32,250
I hate you and I never
want to see you again!
480
00:18:37,006 --> 00:18:39,641
And we got thrown out
of the Barclays Center.
481
00:18:39,643 --> 00:18:41,259
Okay, that's disappointing.
482
00:18:41,261 --> 00:18:42,927
So disappointing.
483
00:18:42,929 --> 00:18:45,897
Seriously.
484
00:18:45,899 --> 00:18:47,899
But that was last night.
I mean, it's not like...
485
00:18:49,101 --> 00:18:51,186
Listen, Jeanette, we really need
486
00:18:51,188 --> 00:18:52,854
to have a serious talk
about our...
487
00:18:52,856 --> 00:18:56,274
So, did Lily leave
these boots here
488
00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:58,410
or was it some other bitch?
489
00:19:01,163 --> 00:19:04,649
Marshall, Barney, help me!
490
00:19:04,651 --> 00:19:07,118
I don't think they're coming.
491
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:08,937
I guess not.
492
00:19:13,926 --> 00:19:15,159
It's those red boots.
493
00:19:15,161 --> 00:19:17,128
They just look sexy
on everyone.
494
00:19:17,130 --> 00:19:19,681
Okay, Ted,
what is with the red boots?
495
00:19:19,683 --> 00:19:21,883
You're a smart guy,
you've got some taste,
496
00:19:21,885 --> 00:19:23,385
you got a visual sense, I mean,
497
00:19:23,387 --> 00:19:25,169
you're an architect
for Pete's sakes.
498
00:19:25,171 --> 00:19:27,055
How can you look at
those boots and think...
499
00:19:27,057 --> 00:19:29,507
Oh, my God, I'm holding it,
I'm holding the baby.
500
00:19:29,509 --> 00:19:30,942
What, you've never
held him before?
501
00:19:30,944 --> 00:19:32,677
Uh, tons of times.
502
00:19:32,679 --> 00:19:35,613
This-this is not a
big moment for me.
503
00:19:35,615 --> 00:19:37,115
(quietly):
This is exhilarating.
504
00:19:37,117 --> 00:19:38,233
(crashing upstairs)
505
00:19:38,235 --> 00:19:41,653
Look, yes, I know what
you're gonna say.
506
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:43,705
I have to break up with her.
No,
507
00:19:43,707 --> 00:19:45,857
I was actually gonna
say the opposite.
508
00:19:45,859 --> 00:19:48,293
I think you need to be
with Jeanette right now.
509
00:19:48,295 --> 00:19:50,194
Because she's the one.
510
00:19:50,196 --> 00:19:51,379
No. What? No.
511
00:19:51,381 --> 00:19:53,331
She's insane.
512
00:19:53,333 --> 00:19:56,167
But I think you are also
a little insane right now.
513
00:19:56,169 --> 00:19:58,536
So I think
you need to go
514
00:19:58,538 --> 00:20:01,556
be with your crazy girl for a
while and when it all goes down
515
00:20:01,558 --> 00:20:03,758
in flames-- and I don't mean
that figuratively,
516
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,810
I expect there
to be actual flames...
517
00:20:05,812 --> 00:20:07,679
NARRATOR:
And there were.
518
00:20:07,681 --> 00:20:10,065
...we'll be here for you
because we love you.
519
00:20:13,486 --> 00:20:16,721
Jeanette I just want
to say that, uh,
520
00:20:16,723 --> 00:20:19,240
you going through
my stuff like that...
521
00:20:20,876 --> 00:20:23,695
You are really
something special.
522
00:20:25,164 --> 00:20:28,199
I'm gonna send Lily
a dead animal in the mail.
523
00:20:29,401 --> 00:20:31,419
I think I'm falling for you.
524
00:20:31,421 --> 00:20:34,289
I think we should have
a three-way with my therapist.
525
00:20:34,291 --> 00:20:35,924
He's 70.
526
00:20:35,926 --> 00:20:38,676
What is your ring size?
527
00:20:46,526 --> 00:20:48,656
(whispers):
Robin.
528
00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:50,646
It's 3:00 in the morning.
529
00:20:50,647 --> 00:20:51,563
(whispers):
Really?
530
00:20:51,564 --> 00:20:53,347
Yeah, you sure you
don't want to just
531
00:20:53,349 --> 00:20:56,484
put him in the crib and,
you know, go home?
532
00:20:56,486 --> 00:20:58,319
No, I'm good.
533
00:20:58,321 --> 00:21:00,321
Okay.
534
00:21:00,323 --> 00:21:01,406
Good night.
535
00:21:01,408 --> 00:21:02,690
Good night.
536
00:21:02,692 --> 00:21:06,792
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
537
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,846
What's that smell?
538
00:21:08,848 --> 00:21:11,482
(whispers):
Lily! Lily!
38812
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