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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:04,814 --> 00:00:07,667
You guys. You guys will not
believe what just happened.
2
00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:09,016
On my way here, a taxi
3
00:00:09,018 --> 00:00:11,318
jumped the curb
and it pinned this old lady,
4
00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,687
and I-I just went into this,
like, crazy adrenaline mode
5
00:00:13,689 --> 00:00:15,239
and I somehow lifted it off her.
6
00:00:15,241 --> 00:00:16,857
Oh, my God, Ted,
your wrist.
7
00:00:16,859 --> 00:00:18,475
Oh, yeah, I guess
it's a little swollen.
8
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:20,244
I must've strained it lifting.
No,
9
00:00:20,246 --> 00:00:21,829
I believe our dear
friend Lily was referring
10
00:00:21,831 --> 00:00:23,030
to your other wrist.
11
00:00:23,032 --> 00:00:25,082
The one wearing the
male birth control.
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00:00:25,084 --> 00:00:26,350
ROBIN:
I was gonna go with
13
00:00:26,352 --> 00:00:27,418
"chastity bracelet."
14
00:00:27,420 --> 00:00:29,820
God, is it possible
to love you more?
15
00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,255
TED: Really?
Really? I just
16
00:00:31,257 --> 00:00:33,340
saved someone's life, and
you guys are focusing on this?
17
00:00:33,342 --> 00:00:35,042
Yeah, you know what,
guys? Leave him alone.
18
00:00:35,044 --> 00:00:36,210
All right,
he's a hero.
19
00:00:36,212 --> 00:00:37,344
Thank you.
20
00:00:37,346 --> 00:00:39,830
Do you think that your
super strength came from
21
00:00:39,832 --> 00:00:41,382
wearing Wonder Woman's
magic wrist cuff?
22
00:00:41,384 --> 00:00:43,133
(laughter)
23
00:00:43,135 --> 00:00:45,168
Yeah, I'll have you know
that because of this cuff,
24
00:00:45,170 --> 00:00:46,637
I have a date.
25
00:00:46,639 --> 00:00:47,888
With some hand lotion
and the Internet?
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00:00:47,890 --> 00:00:50,307
It is possible
to love you more!
27
00:00:50,309 --> 00:00:53,010
She exists.
28
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:55,479
And she's right outside.
29
00:00:55,481 --> 00:00:56,363
Great. Bring her in.
30
00:00:56,365 --> 00:00:57,731
You know what? It's so nice out.
31
00:00:57,733 --> 00:00:59,733
Why don't... why don't
we just all go for a walk.
32
00:00:59,735 --> 00:01:01,785
It's pouring rain, Ted.
I think it's pretty obvious
33
00:01:01,787 --> 00:01:03,404
she can't fit through the door.
Mm.
34
00:01:03,406 --> 00:01:05,472
She is a gorgeous,
athletic woman.
35
00:01:05,474 --> 00:01:07,908
"Athletic"?
Sideburns, no cans.
36
00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:09,093
She is hot.
37
00:01:09,095 --> 00:01:11,028
So why can't
she come in, Ted?
38
00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:13,914
She can come in.
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00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:16,250
(quietly):
In six and a half months.
40
00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:18,202
Wait.
Are you saying she's...
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00:01:18,204 --> 00:01:19,236
Twenty.
42
00:01:19,238 --> 00:01:20,337
And a half.
43
00:01:20,339 --> 00:01:21,538
(clears throat)
Almost.
44
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x14 ♪
Ring Up
Original Air Date on January 21, 2013
45
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
46
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Ah-ah! Hold up, guys.
47
00:01:40,276 --> 00:01:43,610
She had to bounce. Um,
a flash mob broke out in front
48
00:01:43,612 --> 00:01:46,363
of a line of Korean-Mexican
food trucks in Williamsburg.
49
00:01:46,365 --> 00:01:47,397
The only thing
50
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:49,016
that would make her
more of a 20-year-old
51
00:01:49,018 --> 00:01:50,617
is an ironic form
52
00:01:50,619 --> 00:01:51,669
of transportation.
BARNEY: Yeah.
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00:01:51,671 --> 00:01:52,853
She's roller skating there.
54
00:01:52,855 --> 00:01:53,837
(laughs)
55
00:01:53,839 --> 00:01:55,456
I don't know
which is more pathetic--
56
00:01:55,458 --> 00:01:57,458
that you're going out
with a 20-year-old
57
00:01:57,460 --> 00:02:00,377
or that you bought a leather
cuff to get a date with her.
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00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:01,745
TED:
I didn't buy this
59
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:02,930
to get a date.
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00:02:02,932 --> 00:02:04,548
I just happened to be out
61
00:02:04,550 --> 00:02:05,916
catching up on
some Saturday afternoon
62
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,250
leather cuff shopping,
ROBIN: Oh.
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00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,220
and she just happened to be
a leather cuff saleswoman.
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00:02:10,222 --> 00:02:12,272
(others groan)
65
00:02:12,274 --> 00:02:14,475
God, I am so glad I am
done chasing bimbos.
66
00:02:14,477 --> 00:02:16,927
Now that I'm engaged,
that whole part of my life
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00:02:16,929 --> 00:02:18,529
just seems
sad and empty.
68
00:02:18,531 --> 00:02:19,596
I don't want this
to sound
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00:02:19,598 --> 00:02:21,899
too harsh, Ted,
but you disgust me.
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00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:25,536
Until a month ago, your
headboard had a lube dispenser.
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00:02:25,538 --> 00:02:26,820
Uh, yeah.
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00:02:26,822 --> 00:02:29,239
We got rid of that, okay?
Yeah.
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00:02:29,241 --> 00:02:30,491
ROBIN:
Anyway, speaking of engaged,
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00:02:30,493 --> 00:02:32,659
check out what got back
from being resized.
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00:02:32,661 --> 00:02:35,829
Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that rock.
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00:02:35,831 --> 00:02:37,164
Barney, you don't
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00:02:37,166 --> 00:02:39,449
start with the
I-got-caught-cheating diamond.
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00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,451
You give yourself
room to grow.
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00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:42,452
It's a family heirloom.
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00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:43,954
Yeah, I got
a few dirty looks
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00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:45,422
from Barney's half-sister
over Christmas,
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00:02:45,424 --> 00:02:48,258
so I had to sit her down
and explain very respectfully...
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00:02:48,260 --> 00:02:49,343
that she can suck it.
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00:02:49,345 --> 00:02:50,293
(chuckles)
TED: Okay.
85
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I got to bounce.
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00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:52,179
Stop saying that.
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00:02:52,181 --> 00:02:53,981
This DJ from Dubai is spinning
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00:02:53,983 --> 00:02:55,833
at an abandoned loading dock
in Bushwick.
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00:02:55,835 --> 00:02:57,484
I'm worried I don't
have enough layers.
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00:02:57,486 --> 00:02:59,119
(others groan)
NARRATOR: So what if my friends
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00:02:59,121 --> 00:03:00,487
thought it was doomed?
92
00:03:00,489 --> 00:03:02,639
I was still young, and I knewthat a night of partying
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00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,324
with a girlover a decade younger than me
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00:03:04,326 --> 00:03:05,692
would be a total...
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00:03:05,694 --> 00:03:08,495
...disaster. She's like
an entirely different species.
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00:03:08,497 --> 00:03:09,780
(sneezes)
97
00:03:09,782 --> 00:03:11,949
And I definitely didn't
have enough layers.
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00:03:11,951 --> 00:03:14,451
I didn't understand halfthe words she was saying.
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00:03:14,453 --> 00:03:18,038
To me, it all soundedlike hipster Mad Libs.
100
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,456
Didn't you check your phone?
101
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I just "means of contacting" you
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00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:23,761
on "currently hot
social networking site."
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00:03:23,763 --> 00:03:24,711
The show's been moved
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00:03:24,713 --> 00:03:25,796
to "New York neighborhood
105
00:03:25,798 --> 00:03:27,097
you've never heard of."
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00:03:27,932 --> 00:03:31,852
Oh. Wow, my phone has a clock.
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00:03:31,854 --> 00:03:35,305
And they subsist on a diet ofpointlessly weird combinations.
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00:03:35,307 --> 00:03:36,356
Ooh.
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00:03:36,358 --> 00:03:38,142
Hey, do you want to split
a kimchi cupcake
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with bacon frosting?
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They are the best here.
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00:03:40,696 --> 00:03:42,362
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that'll go great with my
113
00:03:42,364 --> 00:03:44,314
cucumber jalapeño
egg cream.
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Chug it! Come on. Come on.
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00:03:45,484 --> 00:03:47,117
We got to get going.
Right. Okay.
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00:03:50,488 --> 00:03:52,522
Then later, at a clubin Chinatown
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00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,875
somehow locatedbeneath a manhole cover,
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00:03:54,877 --> 00:03:55,993
it got weird.
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00:03:55,995 --> 00:03:57,294
God, I just love those
120
00:03:57,296 --> 00:03:59,797
tiny gray hairs
in your eyebrows.
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00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,699
Old men are so sexy.
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00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:03,834
(Marshall, Lily, Barney
and Robin groan)
123
00:04:03,836 --> 00:04:05,452
All right, to be fair,
124
00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:08,138
some of those gray hairs
were dried egg cream.
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00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,339
Turns out, when you
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00:04:09,341 --> 00:04:10,507
projectile vomit on skates,
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00:04:10,509 --> 00:04:11,758
you roll right into the spray.
(Barney groans)
128
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,311
Wait, how old does
she think you are?
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00:04:14,313 --> 00:04:16,046
So, were you in Vietnam?
130
00:04:16,048 --> 00:04:17,080
(others groan)
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Hold that groan.
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00:04:18,634 --> 00:04:19,683
(helicopter blades whirring)
133
00:04:19,685 --> 00:04:22,820
Charlie was everywhere.
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00:04:22,822 --> 00:04:24,738
(others groan)
She's hot! She likes old guys!
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00:04:24,740 --> 00:04:25,906
Don't judge me!
136
00:04:25,908 --> 00:04:29,076
Anyway, when we got out
on the dance floor, th...
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00:04:29,078 --> 00:04:31,695
I swear, this is what all
the 20-year-olds looked like...
138
00:04:31,697 --> 00:04:34,665
(dance music playing)
139
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:36,783
(others groan)
140
00:04:36,785 --> 00:04:39,402
I want to thank you for your
service to this nation, Private.
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00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,737
Colonel.
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00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:41,371
Aw.
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00:04:41,373 --> 00:04:43,040
I got to end this.
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00:04:43,042 --> 00:04:44,508
Yeah, seriously, Ted.
145
00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:47,127
Pretending to be someone else
just to get laid?
146
00:04:47,129 --> 00:04:49,012
That's... (scoffs)
embarrassing.
147
00:04:49,014 --> 00:04:50,130
Your Highness!
148
00:04:50,132 --> 00:04:52,349
Let's go.
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00:04:53,401 --> 00:04:54,918
Ew. Marshall,
take that off.
150
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,221
What? I think it looks
kind of cool.
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00:04:57,223 --> 00:04:58,555
Cool?
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00:04:58,557 --> 00:05:01,475
You look like one of those jerks
who's in some lame band
153
00:05:01,477 --> 00:05:05,529
and rides a motorcycle without
a helmet and has a wallet chain
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00:05:05,531 --> 00:05:07,898
and neck tattoos
and a drug problem.
155
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:09,533
Not a... a big one, just, uh...
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00:05:09,535 --> 00:05:13,237
enough that he deals a little
bit on the side, and...
157
00:05:13,239 --> 00:05:16,740
he can never...
ever be true to one woman.
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00:05:16,742 --> 00:05:18,775
Finish that damn pickle
and do me!
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00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:21,378
(both moaning)
160
00:05:21,380 --> 00:05:22,796
(door opens)
(Robin sighs)
161
00:05:22,798 --> 00:05:25,382
Okay, you guys know how
my mornings usually go.
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Why would we care how...
163
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Usually it's like this.
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00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:29,303
(bright, cheerful music plays)
165
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After you.
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00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:32,723
Aw, thank you.
167
00:05:32,725 --> 00:05:35,125
(giggles, gasps)
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00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:39,263
On the house, Robin!
169
00:05:40,348 --> 00:05:42,900
♪ Take this bagel on the house
170
00:05:42,902 --> 00:05:45,102
♪ Have a paper on the house
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00:05:45,104 --> 00:05:46,937
♪ I'd give you a house
on the house ♪
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00:05:46,939 --> 00:05:49,523
♪ If I could
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00:05:49,525 --> 00:05:51,474
♪ You're so beautiful
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00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:55,195
♪ Everything in life
should be free ♪
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00:05:55,197 --> 00:05:59,866
♪ It's so wonderful to be me!
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00:05:59,868 --> 00:06:01,034
Mmm.
(giggles)
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00:06:01,036 --> 00:06:02,536
LILY:
Wow.
178
00:06:02,538 --> 00:06:05,923
Do little bluebirds help you
get dressed in the morning, too?
179
00:06:06,541 --> 00:06:08,208
♪ She's exaggerating
180
00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:14,298
♪ To make a point!
181
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,433
But today was different.
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(bright, cheerful music plays)
183
00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:19,269
(music ends)
That'll be $3.75.
184
00:06:19,271 --> 00:06:21,438
But I didn't have
to pay yesterday.
185
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,106
Okay. $7.50.
186
00:06:23,108 --> 00:06:24,358
(sighs)
187
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,693
Oh, honey-sweetie-baby.
It's the ring, Robin.
188
00:06:26,695 --> 00:06:28,178
The ring has power.
189
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,013
When a woman puts on
an engagement ring,
190
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:32,149
it's like when Bilbo Baggins
wears the One Ring
191
00:06:32,151 --> 00:06:33,233
in The Hobbit.
192
00:06:33,235 --> 00:06:35,018
Okay, can you say that again
but not in nerd?
193
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,687
Sure. Uh, the ring
is like the cloak
194
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,040
that Harry Potter wears
to sneak around Hogwarts.
195
00:06:40,042 --> 00:06:41,491
Yeah, I don't speak virgin
either.
196
00:06:41,493 --> 00:06:44,127
The ring-- it
makes you invisible.
197
00:06:44,129 --> 00:06:46,330
(ominous music plays)
198
00:06:46,332 --> 00:06:49,800
RING (whispers):
You're not precious.
199
00:06:56,474 --> 00:06:59,209
(muffled shouting, gasps)
200
00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:00,177
Oh, good, you're awake.
201
00:07:00,179 --> 00:07:01,812
(gasping)
202
00:07:01,814 --> 00:07:03,063
Look, Ted,
203
00:07:03,065 --> 00:07:04,765
there's something
we have to talk about.
204
00:07:04,767 --> 00:07:07,150
Boundaries?
Invasion of privacy?
205
00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:09,186
Losing your key privileges?
206
00:07:09,188 --> 00:07:11,571
It's about the 20-year-old, Ted.
207
00:07:11,573 --> 00:07:13,556
You have to bang her.
208
00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:15,025
For me!
209
00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:21,033
Why do you want me to hook
up with this 20-year-old?
210
00:07:21,133 --> 00:07:22,516
I thought I disgusted you.
211
00:07:22,518 --> 00:07:24,185
Yeah, that was
all an act.
212
00:07:24,187 --> 00:07:26,437
Look, look, look, I love Robin
213
00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:28,806
and she's the only girl
I want to be with.
214
00:07:28,808 --> 00:07:32,810
But my body is detoxing
after years of one-night stands.
215
00:07:32,812 --> 00:07:33,794
They don't make
216
00:07:33,796 --> 00:07:36,313
gum or a patch for this, Ted.
217
00:07:36,315 --> 00:07:38,199
But, hey,
billion-dollar idea alert.
218
00:07:38,201 --> 00:07:40,701
(muttering indistinctly)
Oh, yeah.
219
00:07:40,703 --> 00:07:42,870
That's okay. I'll just buy
a new dream journal.
220
00:07:43,705 --> 00:07:47,291
What-what-what
are you looking for?
221
00:07:47,293 --> 00:07:48,259
Your phone.
222
00:07:48,261 --> 00:07:49,461
There's got to
be some pictures
223
00:07:49,462 --> 00:07:50,427
of her in here.
224
00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,129
Damn it. No.
225
00:07:52,131 --> 00:07:53,581
Those are all worthless.
226
00:07:53,583 --> 00:07:55,999
I need some one-night-stand
material, Ted.
227
00:07:56,001 --> 00:07:58,269
Oh. Oh. Here's your mom.
Hello, Virginia.
228
00:07:58,271 --> 00:08:01,272
Um, my mother is not
one-night-stand material.
229
00:08:01,274 --> 00:08:03,808
Yeah, you're right. It wasn't
night and we weren't standing.
230
00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:05,175
Hey-oh!
231
00:08:05,177 --> 00:08:06,560
That didn't happen.
232
00:08:06,562 --> 00:08:08,979
You're right. It didn't.
(clicks tongue)
233
00:08:08,981 --> 00:08:09,897
You just winked.
234
00:08:09,899 --> 00:08:11,198
No, I didn't.
(clicks tongue)
235
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,199
You just did it again!
236
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,852
Look, bottom
line: I need you
237
00:08:14,854 --> 00:08:16,787
to proxy bang this girl for me.
238
00:08:16,789 --> 00:08:17,955
Be my stand-in
239
00:08:17,957 --> 00:08:20,040
and put your gland in.
240
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,076
Hey, wow,
that'd be good on a hat.
241
00:08:22,078 --> 00:08:23,577
(sighs)
Barney,
242
00:08:23,579 --> 00:08:26,747
she's just using me
for my gracefully aging body.
243
00:08:26,749 --> 00:08:29,366
You're picking now
to get some self-respect?
244
00:08:29,368 --> 00:08:33,304
You once banged a blind girl by
pretending to be Sean Connery.
245
00:08:33,306 --> 00:08:34,505
That was you.
246
00:08:34,507 --> 00:08:36,206
(imitates Sean Connery):
Yeah, that conquest
247
00:08:36,208 --> 00:08:37,975
was most enjoyable.
248
00:08:37,977 --> 00:08:39,727
I'm sorry.
T-To hook up with a girl,
249
00:08:39,729 --> 00:08:42,045
I have to connect with her
at least a little.
250
00:08:42,047 --> 00:08:44,148
Then find a connection.
251
00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:45,399
Just go simple.
252
00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:48,485
Nothing about weird poets
or buildings
253
00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,221
or any of those stupid articles
you've ever e-mailed me
254
00:08:51,223 --> 00:08:53,724
with the subject line
"Food for thought."
255
00:08:54,526 --> 00:08:56,360
Please, Ted.
256
00:08:56,362 --> 00:08:57,995
I need this.
257
00:08:57,997 --> 00:08:59,663
Fine. You win.
258
00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:00,464
I'll bang
259
00:09:00,466 --> 00:09:02,032
a hot 20-year-old.
260
00:09:02,034 --> 00:09:02,883
(sighs)
261
00:09:02,885 --> 00:09:03,901
But I'm not gonna enjoy...
262
00:09:03,903 --> 00:09:04,902
Oh, who am I kidding?
263
00:09:04,904 --> 00:09:06,086
It's gonna be awesome.
264
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:09,256
Now, turn off the lights and go.
265
00:09:10,292 --> 00:09:12,459
Not all the way!
266
00:09:14,546 --> 00:09:16,513
Hello. Yeah, three...
267
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:18,999
Okay, normally New York
is the friendliest,
268
00:09:19,001 --> 00:09:21,135
most affordable city
in the world.
269
00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:24,371
Now it's as rude and expensive
as San Francisco.
270
00:09:24,373 --> 00:09:26,390
Guys?
271
00:09:26,392 --> 00:09:28,309
Oh, hey, that's life
once you're engaged.
272
00:09:28,311 --> 00:09:31,362
Oh, tell her, baby.
Make it hurt.
273
00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:33,564
I'll be at the booth.
274
00:09:33,566 --> 00:09:35,482
My panties may
or may not be on
275
00:09:35,484 --> 00:09:37,100
when you get there.
276
00:09:37,102 --> 00:09:39,153
(whispers):
They won't be!
277
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:42,072
Okay, what is going
on with you guys?
278
00:09:42,074 --> 00:09:43,324
It's the cuff.
279
00:09:43,326 --> 00:09:45,876
It turns out that picturing me
as a loser musician
280
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:48,162
with a Vicodin addiction
and a beat-up van
281
00:09:48,164 --> 00:09:52,166
I use to steal copper wire
really turns Lily's crank.
282
00:09:52,168 --> 00:09:53,167
Who knew?
283
00:09:53,169 --> 00:09:54,919
Whoa, what-what happened
to your wrist?
284
00:09:54,921 --> 00:09:57,955
Oh. It's an allergic reaction.
285
00:09:57,957 --> 00:09:59,340
So take it off.
286
00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:01,291
Robin, once you have a child,
287
00:10:01,293 --> 00:10:03,477
anything that gets you
even remotely close
288
00:10:03,479 --> 00:10:06,847
to the possibility of sex is
worth a few pus-filled blisters.
289
00:10:06,849 --> 00:10:09,400
Better the sores
weep than I.
290
00:10:10,468 --> 00:10:12,469
Hey, hold on. That
slut just got here.
291
00:10:12,471 --> 00:10:14,571
How'd she get
beer already?
292
00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:16,624
Do you see a ring
on that finger?
293
00:10:16,626 --> 00:10:18,525
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
294
00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:20,160
Are you saying that
this invisibility thing
295
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,196
means I might not be able
to get beer?
296
00:10:22,198 --> 00:10:24,999
I was just getting used to the
idea of having to pay for coffee
297
00:10:25,001 --> 00:10:26,200
and bagels and rent.
298
00:10:26,202 --> 00:10:27,301
Rent?
But not being able
299
00:10:27,303 --> 00:10:29,753
to get a beer? Unacceptable.
300
00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:32,089
(sighs)
301
00:10:32,091 --> 00:10:33,874
Excuse me.
302
00:10:33,876 --> 00:10:35,793
Hot girl coming through.
303
00:10:39,798 --> 00:10:41,348
(sighs)
304
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:43,600
(bright, cheerful music plays)
305
00:10:43,602 --> 00:10:45,853
Huh.
(chuckles)
306
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,355
Three beers, please.
307
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:49,673
♪ Take the...
308
00:10:49,675 --> 00:10:51,859
(music stops)
309
00:10:52,811 --> 00:10:55,479
ROBIN:
Damn it, ring!
310
00:10:55,481 --> 00:10:57,347
Oh, yeah, baby.
Mm-hmm.
311
00:10:57,349 --> 00:10:59,616
Later you should totally
go out and buy a switchblade.
312
00:10:59,618 --> 00:11:00,951
Mm. Sure.
313
00:11:00,953 --> 00:11:03,854
While I'm out, maybe Daddy
picks up some diapers
314
00:11:03,856 --> 00:11:07,074
and a little mild salsa
because we're low.
315
00:11:07,076 --> 00:11:08,859
(both moaning)
316
00:11:09,995 --> 00:11:11,829
ROBIN:
Well, you're right--
317
00:11:11,831 --> 00:11:14,665
I'm invisible.
318
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,200
(Lily moaning)
319
00:11:17,202 --> 00:11:19,670
(Robin gulping)
320
00:11:19,672 --> 00:11:21,538
NARRATOR:
That night, the only person
321
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:24,425
in worse shape than Robinwas her fiancé.
322
00:11:24,427 --> 00:11:26,260
(panting):
Ted, I'm desperate.
323
00:11:26,262 --> 00:11:28,262
Earlier today,
I saw that wrist cuff
324
00:11:28,264 --> 00:11:30,314
and I got a partial
for Marshall.
325
00:11:30,316 --> 00:11:31,982
Did you bang that girl yet?
326
00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:34,018
Don't get your hopes,
or anything else, up.
327
00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:35,652
I tried to connect with her,
328
00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,554
but everything
just comes back
329
00:11:37,556 --> 00:11:39,857
to her weird fetish
about how old I am.
330
00:11:39,859 --> 00:11:43,226
Well, j-just go simple--
does she like TV?
331
00:11:43,228 --> 00:11:44,244
No.
332
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,330
But I'll watch 60 Minutes
with you
333
00:11:46,332 --> 00:11:49,500
as loud and as long as you want.
334
00:11:49,502 --> 00:11:50,534
Sports?
335
00:11:50,536 --> 00:11:51,785
No.
336
00:11:51,787 --> 00:11:54,371
But I bet you look super hot
playing shuffleboard,
337
00:11:54,373 --> 00:11:57,791
just... slathered in Bengay.
338
00:11:57,793 --> 00:11:59,209
Well, does she like books?
339
00:11:59,211 --> 00:12:00,744
No.
340
00:12:00,746 --> 00:12:02,763
But I bet you do.
341
00:12:02,765 --> 00:12:04,014
(quietly):
Mm-hmm.
342
00:12:04,016 --> 00:12:06,100
I bet you have a big, thick
343
00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:08,302
pair of bifocals.
344
00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:11,388
She doesn't have daddy issues,
she has granddaddy issues.
345
00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:12,923
I'm ending it.
346
00:12:12,925 --> 00:12:16,110
Ted, I beg of you, don't quit
on a body that won't quit.
347
00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:18,428
Ooh, ooh, that'll go sweet
on a bumper sticker.
348
00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:19,646
That's going in the journal.
349
00:12:19,648 --> 00:12:21,031
TED:
Wait, did you steal
350
00:12:21,033 --> 00:12:22,366
my dream journal?
351
00:12:22,368 --> 00:12:24,952
No! Now, get back in there
before all your teeth fall out
352
00:12:24,954 --> 00:12:27,154
and you're naked in front
of Shaker Heights High School
353
00:12:27,156 --> 00:12:28,872
in a play
you never rehearsed for.
354
00:12:28,874 --> 00:12:30,273
Bastard!
355
00:12:30,275 --> 00:12:33,110
We don't connect
on a single thing. It's over.
356
00:12:33,112 --> 00:12:35,496
(beep)
It's not...
357
00:12:35,498 --> 00:12:37,131
Look, Carly, I got
to tell you something.
358
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:39,950
I just, I don't see
a future here.
359
00:12:39,952 --> 00:12:42,219
Oh, my God.
360
00:12:42,221 --> 00:12:44,421
Are you dying?
361
00:12:45,090 --> 00:12:47,424
(sighs):
Oh, that is so hot.
362
00:12:48,292 --> 00:12:49,977
(robotic beeping)
363
00:12:49,979 --> 00:12:51,512
Hey...
364
00:12:51,514 --> 00:12:53,147
is that R2-D2?
365
00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,399
Do you like Star Wars?
366
00:12:55,401 --> 00:12:57,300
I love Star Wars.
367
00:12:57,302 --> 00:12:58,635
Me, too!
368
00:12:58,637 --> 00:13:01,972
♪
369
00:13:01,974 --> 00:13:04,575
I mean, I've only
seen the new ones.
370
00:13:04,577 --> 00:13:06,610
Close enough.
371
00:13:10,281 --> 00:13:12,482
So?
372
00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:13,367
Yeah.
373
00:13:13,369 --> 00:13:15,085
I knew it!
I could feel it.
374
00:13:15,087 --> 00:13:18,122
It's almost like we were
hooking up with her together.
375
00:13:18,124 --> 00:13:19,373
You felt that, right?
376
00:13:19,375 --> 00:13:20,924
I couldn't have performed
if I did.
377
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,292
Don't you see, Ted?
378
00:13:22,294 --> 00:13:24,962
We had a bro-nnection.
379
00:13:24,964 --> 00:13:27,164
(clicking tongue)
All right, I got to know
380
00:13:27,166 --> 00:13:28,715
what she looks like--
show me a picture.
381
00:13:28,717 --> 00:13:30,667
Well, normally,
I'm above such things,
382
00:13:30,669 --> 00:13:33,804
but it's been a while,
and, uh, Teddy's braggin'.
383
00:13:33,806 --> 00:13:35,505
(chuckles)
Okay, here she is.
384
00:13:36,057 --> 00:13:38,642
Okay. Scrolling up.
385
00:13:38,644 --> 00:13:39,860
Oh, yeah, those are
386
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,845
"plow me" heels. Nice.
Uh-huh.
387
00:13:41,847 --> 00:13:45,365
The knee bruise is encouraging.
388
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:48,685
Working our way up
to those 20-year-old ta-tas.
389
00:13:48,687 --> 00:13:51,121
Oh... gravity's cruel grasp
390
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:54,191
hasn't found you yet,
my sweet perky miracles.
391
00:13:54,193 --> 00:13:55,742
(chuckles)
392
00:13:55,744 --> 00:13:57,828
Now, let's get a gander
at Dirty Girl's face.
393
00:13:57,830 --> 00:13:58,829
Mm-hmm.
394
00:13:58,831 --> 00:14:00,197
(gasps)
395
00:14:01,182 --> 00:14:04,084
Her face says, "Ready to bone,"
am I right?
396
00:14:05,170 --> 00:14:08,088
I say again, am I right?
397
00:14:09,592 --> 00:14:11,752
That's my half sister.
398
00:14:13,377 --> 00:14:17,396
Then you probably shouldn't
scroll to the next picture.
399
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,384
No!
400
00:14:25,677 --> 00:14:27,128
That's my sister, Ted!
401
00:14:27,228 --> 00:14:28,728
Well, look,
I didn't know!
402
00:14:28,730 --> 00:14:30,529
None of us even knew
you had a sister
403
00:14:30,531 --> 00:14:32,498
until two years ago,
including you!
404
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,233
This is just
some crazy coincidence.
405
00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:36,569
There are four million women
in the city of New York,
406
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:38,070
Ted, and you sleep
with my sister?
407
00:14:38,072 --> 00:14:40,104
Why would the universe
do that to me?
408
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:40,991
I don't know.
409
00:14:40,992 --> 00:14:43,075
It's not like you've ever
treated women in such a way
410
00:14:43,077 --> 00:14:44,627
that would invite some sort
of karmic retribution.
411
00:14:44,629 --> 00:14:46,945
You banged my sister!
412
00:14:46,947 --> 00:14:49,799
My sweet, little, innocent...
413
00:14:49,801 --> 00:14:51,267
Pierced.
Really? Where?
414
00:14:51,269 --> 00:14:53,619
Don't answer that!
Now I know
415
00:14:53,621 --> 00:14:56,806
why I felt everything
you did to her last night.
416
00:14:56,808 --> 00:15:00,559
It wasn't a bro-nnection,
it was a sis-nnection!
417
00:15:00,561 --> 00:15:01,844
Oh, my God.
418
00:15:01,846 --> 00:15:04,980
Ted... did you...
419
00:15:07,534 --> 00:15:09,185
Big-time.
420
00:15:09,187 --> 00:15:10,469
Nice! High five!
421
00:15:10,471 --> 00:15:12,021
Wait! No! No!
422
00:15:12,023 --> 00:15:13,272
Retraction five!
423
00:15:13,274 --> 00:15:15,908
(speaks words
in reverse)
424
00:15:15,910 --> 00:15:18,527
Hey, hey, you're the one
who begged for a proxy bang.
425
00:15:18,529 --> 00:15:20,162
And while we're
on the subject of family,
426
00:15:20,164 --> 00:15:22,865
I'm pretty sure you banged
my mom-- mom beats sister.
427
00:15:22,867 --> 00:15:25,334
I never banged your mom.
(clicks tongue)
428
00:15:25,336 --> 00:15:27,152
You just did
the winking thing again!
429
00:15:27,154 --> 00:15:29,004
No, I didn't.
(clicks tongue)
430
00:15:29,006 --> 00:15:31,207
Fine. Hey, Barney,
let me ask you something.
431
00:15:31,209 --> 00:15:33,209
Were you, uh, feeling
a little sore this morning?
432
00:15:33,211 --> 00:15:34,460
Especially...
433
00:15:36,046 --> 00:15:37,179
(gasps)
434
00:15:37,181 --> 00:15:39,382
Friendship over!
435
00:15:41,017 --> 00:15:42,635
Oh, yeah.
436
00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:47,807
Who's your guitar-player-biker-
who-couldn't-find-mild-salsa-
437
00:15:47,809 --> 00:15:51,193
but-said-screw-it-
and-went-medium bad boy?
438
00:15:51,195 --> 00:15:53,011
(moans)
439
00:15:53,013 --> 00:15:54,563
Marshall, your hand!
440
00:15:54,565 --> 00:15:56,599
NARRATOR: Okay, I'm pretty sureit wasn't that bad,
441
00:15:56,601 --> 00:15:59,351
but this is how Uncle Marshall
likes to tell the story.
442
00:15:59,353 --> 00:16:02,238
Oh, yeah, no,
that's the cuff.
443
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,357
I'm woozy,
and I can't flex my fingers...
444
00:16:05,359 --> 00:16:06,525
(sniffs)
445
00:16:06,527 --> 00:16:08,627
...and the rotten fish smell
is getting stronger.
446
00:16:08,629 --> 00:16:11,497
But I'm learning to compensate
with my left.
447
00:16:11,499 --> 00:16:14,633
Is that why last night when
I asked you to honka honka me
448
00:16:14,635 --> 00:16:16,085
you only honka'd me?
449
00:16:16,087 --> 00:16:17,536
I didn't think you noticed.
450
00:16:17,538 --> 00:16:20,556
Snap's been jealous
of Crackle all day.
451
00:16:20,558 --> 00:16:22,475
Just take the cuff off.
452
00:16:22,477 --> 00:16:24,760
No, but, baby,
then all the sex will stop.
453
00:16:24,762 --> 00:16:28,681
Marshall, you don't need a cuff
for me to find you sexy.
454
00:16:28,683 --> 00:16:30,182
All you have to do
455
00:16:30,184 --> 00:16:32,785
is smile, and I'm ready
for you to hop on Pop.
456
00:16:32,787 --> 00:16:35,237
(chuckles softly)
Thanks, baby.
457
00:16:35,239 --> 00:16:38,557
Are you too woozy to
do it one last time
458
00:16:38,559 --> 00:16:41,193
before we seek emergency
medical attention?
459
00:16:41,195 --> 00:16:43,061
Only one way to find out.
460
00:16:43,063 --> 00:16:45,063
Mm.
461
00:16:49,686 --> 00:16:53,005
I'm sorry, bro,
I totally overreacted.
462
00:16:53,007 --> 00:16:54,740
You think?
I can't believe
463
00:16:54,742 --> 00:16:56,842
you're allowed
to ship a dead possum.
464
00:16:56,844 --> 00:16:58,344
He died?
465
00:16:58,346 --> 00:17:01,547
That possum was supposed
to be an olive branch.
466
00:17:01,549 --> 00:17:04,967
Are you sure
he's not just playing dead?
467
00:17:04,969 --> 00:17:06,936
He smells like Marshall's hand.
468
00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,888
And wait, you-you forgive me?
469
00:17:08,890 --> 00:17:11,106
Absolutely.
Hey, I got a couple "cee-gars."
470
00:17:11,108 --> 00:17:12,308
Get over here!
471
00:17:12,310 --> 00:17:15,227
All right.
So, where are those "cee-gars"?
472
00:17:15,229 --> 00:17:16,929
Eh, we'll break 'em
out in a minute.
473
00:17:16,931 --> 00:17:18,781
(knocks)
Hey, Barn.
474
00:17:19,616 --> 00:17:21,317
Ted?
475
00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:23,435
Barney, what is
your sister doing here?
476
00:17:23,437 --> 00:17:25,437
Nothing, bro.
Or should I say,
477
00:17:25,439 --> 00:17:27,623
bro-in-law!
478
00:17:28,441 --> 00:17:31,660
(organ playing "Wedding March")
479
00:17:38,618 --> 00:17:40,336
("Wedding March" continues)
480
00:17:40,338 --> 00:17:41,670
Congratulations!
481
00:17:41,672 --> 00:17:44,423
You're marrying
my sister!
482
00:17:44,425 --> 00:17:47,426
And you spared no expense,
you big crazy!
483
00:17:50,146 --> 00:17:53,298
You know what?
I love Barney,
484
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:54,600
but this ring thing sucks.
485
00:17:54,602 --> 00:17:56,819
Some gross guy just
brushed up against my rack
486
00:17:56,821 --> 00:17:58,270
and then apologized.
487
00:17:58,272 --> 00:18:00,689
And I think he really,
really meant it.
488
00:18:00,691 --> 00:18:04,076
Oh, sweetie, I know it's nice
to be groped by strangers,
489
00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:06,161
but nothing beats
the rush you get
490
00:18:06,163 --> 00:18:08,647
when that one special person
looks at you.
491
00:18:08,649 --> 00:18:10,115
It's true.
492
00:18:10,117 --> 00:18:14,169
Like here in this bar, there's
only one thing that I see,
493
00:18:14,171 --> 00:18:17,373
and I see her brighter
and more clearly
494
00:18:17,375 --> 00:18:20,209
than anything else
in this world.
495
00:18:20,211 --> 00:18:22,177
You know what that is?
496
00:18:22,179 --> 00:18:23,829
That's love.
497
00:18:24,564 --> 00:18:26,131
And possibly alcohol
498
00:18:26,133 --> 00:18:29,351
mixed with some
very powerful antibiotics.
499
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,171
And that's how Barney sees you.
500
00:18:33,173 --> 00:18:35,891
And I know that's
how you see Barney.
501
00:18:37,377 --> 00:18:39,845
(clears throat) I'd like
to start the service
502
00:18:39,847 --> 00:18:42,197
with a passage
from Ted's dream journal.
503
00:18:43,149 --> 00:18:44,700
"Drowning.
504
00:18:44,702 --> 00:18:46,702
"Gasping for air.
505
00:18:46,704 --> 00:18:48,854
No escape."
506
00:18:48,856 --> 00:18:51,356
Wait, is that
about Vietnam?
507
00:18:51,358 --> 00:18:52,541
It's about Whole Foods.
508
00:18:52,543 --> 00:18:53,242
Barney.
509
00:18:53,244 --> 00:18:54,359
We are not
510
00:18:54,361 --> 00:18:55,527
getting married.
511
00:18:55,529 --> 00:18:58,581
And those aisles
are too narrow!
512
00:18:58,583 --> 00:18:59,832
BARNEY:
But you two
513
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,667
have to get married--
otherwise, it's just
514
00:19:01,669 --> 00:19:05,037
a cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stand.
515
00:19:05,039 --> 00:19:07,806
Wait, just to be clear,
you're saying you're opposed
516
00:19:07,808 --> 00:19:10,676
to cheap, meaningless,
disgusting one-night stands?
517
00:19:10,678 --> 00:19:11,710
Yes.
518
00:19:11,712 --> 00:19:13,879
Barney... don't you see?
519
00:19:13,881 --> 00:19:15,881
Your detox is done!
520
00:19:15,883 --> 00:19:17,900
You're over one-night stands!
521
00:19:17,902 --> 00:19:20,235
Oh, my God, you're right!
522
00:19:20,237 --> 00:19:21,937
I'm free!
Yeah.
523
00:19:21,939 --> 00:19:25,107
So if you think about it--
but not too much--
524
00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:27,776
it's actually good that
Carly and I hooked up.
525
00:19:27,778 --> 00:19:29,745
Yeah, it's really good.
526
00:19:29,747 --> 00:19:33,365
I mean, this guy goes at it
like he's still in his 50s.
527
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,784
Hey, have a cigar,
you big crazy!
528
00:19:35,786 --> 00:19:36,785
(chuckles)
529
00:19:36,787 --> 00:19:38,621
Hey, don't try
to make this okay.
530
00:19:38,623 --> 00:19:40,205
You still slept with my sister.
531
00:19:40,207 --> 00:19:43,125
Promise me you will never,
ever do that again.
532
00:19:43,927 --> 00:19:45,911
I promise.
(clicks tongue)
533
00:19:45,913 --> 00:19:47,046
You just winked.
534
00:19:47,048 --> 00:19:49,048
No, I didn't.
(clicks tongue)
535
00:19:49,050 --> 00:19:50,966
You did it again!
No, I didn't!
536
00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:52,017
You swear, right?
537
00:19:52,019 --> 00:19:54,419
Yeah. Of course.
538
00:19:54,971 --> 00:19:56,772
(clicks tongue)
539
00:19:59,809 --> 00:20:01,457
Hey.
That night,
540
00:20:01,458 --> 00:20:03,425
even thoughshe still couldn't get a beer,
541
00:20:03,427 --> 00:20:06,845
Robin realizedthe true power of the ring.
542
00:20:06,847 --> 00:20:10,415
♪
543
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,487
Hey, Robin.
544
00:20:15,488 --> 00:20:16,909
Did you ever figure out
how you're gonna get
545
00:20:16,910 --> 00:20:18,827
a drink at the bar now
that you're engaged?
546
00:20:18,829 --> 00:20:21,580
Oh, sure. I know a way
that's gonna last forever.
547
00:20:21,582 --> 00:20:23,281
Scotch on the rocks?
548
00:20:23,283 --> 00:20:24,416
Coming right up.
549
00:20:30,289 --> 00:20:33,642
Now, before you say anything
about the hat...
550
00:20:33,644 --> 00:20:37,295
this new girl's ass
is phenomenal!
551
00:20:42,569 --> 00:20:44,020
LILY: Hey, Marshall,
you got to see this.
552
00:20:44,149 --> 00:20:46,245
The catalog must have
mixed up my order.
553
00:20:46,345 --> 00:20:48,011
You won't believe the jeans
they just sent me.
554
00:20:48,013 --> 00:20:49,112
(mumbles)
555
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,947
Hilarious, right?
556
00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:53,483
Totally.
(laughs)
557
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:55,102
You look like some
558
00:20:55,104 --> 00:20:57,952
suburban mom
who drives a minivan
559
00:20:58,052 --> 00:21:01,187
filled with stale Cheerios
and empty juice boxes...
560
00:21:01,189 --> 00:21:02,851
(laughs)
probably makes
561
00:21:03,539 --> 00:21:05,939
chili mac and
Frito pie for dinner...
562
00:21:05,941 --> 00:21:08,612
smells like that menthol
cigarette that she snuck while
563
00:21:08,712 --> 00:21:10,692
she was waiting
to pick her kids up
564
00:21:10,792 --> 00:21:12,158
from hockey practice.
Get over here!
565
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:17,160
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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