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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:01,563 --> 00:00:03,865
Guys, I'm going through
something kinda hard.
2
00:00:04,533 --> 00:00:06,485
Since Quinn and I broke up,
she's gone back to dancing
3
00:00:06,486 --> 00:00:09,704
at The Lusty Leopard,
and it's just really tough because...
4
00:00:09,706 --> 00:00:11,135
'Cause you have to find
a new strip club?
5
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:12,758
I have to find a new strip club!
6
00:00:12,759 --> 00:00:15,626
I've been going to The Lusty Leopard
for seven years.
7
00:00:15,628 --> 00:00:18,346
Wow. That's like
49 in perv years.
8
00:00:18,348 --> 00:00:20,431
Sixty-nine. Self-five.
9
00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:21,599
Look...
10
00:00:21,601 --> 00:00:22,633
without my open wallet,
11
00:00:22,635 --> 00:00:24,335
The Lusty Leopard
would be nothing.
12
00:00:24,337 --> 00:00:26,504
Thanks to me, they've
been able to expand
13
00:00:26,506 --> 00:00:29,440
and take over that
soup kitchen next door.
14
00:00:30,309 --> 00:00:31,342
Now I'm a free agent,
15
00:00:31,344 --> 00:00:33,177
and all the strip
clubs are after me.
16
00:00:33,179 --> 00:00:35,679
Mr. Stinson, we might not have
17
00:00:35,681 --> 00:00:37,231
the best strippers
at Moneyballs,
18
00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:40,785
but we use sabermetrics to get
you a stripper with a five body,
19
00:00:40,787 --> 00:00:44,038
sure, and another with
a butter face, but together,
20
00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:46,791
with their tireless grinding,
we guarantee
21
00:00:46,793 --> 00:00:49,660
a high on-pants percentage.
22
00:00:49,662 --> 00:00:51,546
I gotta be
honest with you, Fred,
23
00:00:51,548 --> 00:00:54,298
I can't really see myself
signing with the Golden Oldies.
24
00:00:54,300 --> 00:00:57,668
Well, that's what everyone
says... at first.
25
00:00:57,670 --> 00:00:59,837
But our GILFs have got class.
26
00:00:59,839 --> 00:01:01,556
They've got maturity
and experience,
27
00:01:01,558 --> 00:01:04,175
and the kind of mind-blowing
flexibility
28
00:01:04,177 --> 00:01:07,478
that only comes
from advanced hip dysplasia.
29
00:01:09,731 --> 00:01:13,317
Barney, the Lusty Leopard
would be lost without you.
30
00:01:13,319 --> 00:01:15,603
I think you're really
gonna like a couple of the girls
31
00:01:15,605 --> 00:01:17,271
we just pulled up
from the minors.
32
00:01:17,273 --> 00:01:18,973
Don't leave us!
33
00:01:18,975 --> 00:01:21,559
Wow, you're like the
LeBron James of strip clubs.
34
00:01:21,561 --> 00:01:25,079
Actually, you're probably
tied with LeBron James for that title.
35
00:01:25,081 --> 00:01:26,247
(scoffs) LeBron
isn't all that.
36
00:01:26,249 --> 00:01:27,949
The Cavs are doing
great without him.
37
00:01:27,951 --> 00:01:29,700
Yeah!
38
00:01:29,702 --> 00:01:33,204
Hey, guys, you will never
believe who I ran into
39
00:01:33,206 --> 00:01:34,772
outside of work today.
40
00:01:34,774 --> 00:01:36,841
It wasn't the guy
handing out coupons
41
00:01:36,843 --> 00:01:38,909
in the hot dog
costume, was it?
42
00:01:38,911 --> 00:01:41,128
Baby, there's no reason
to be scared of him.
43
00:01:41,130 --> 00:01:43,080
I'm not scared of him.
44
00:01:43,082 --> 00:01:46,851
It's totally normal to see
a hot dog with a face.
45
00:01:46,853 --> 00:01:49,670
No, it was Brad,
my old law school buddy.
46
00:01:49,672 --> 00:01:51,939
I almost didn't recognize him.
47
00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,307
Marshall?
48
00:01:54,493 --> 00:01:55,776
Brad?!
49
00:01:55,778 --> 00:01:56,927
Bro!
50
00:01:56,929 --> 00:01:58,429
Oh, hey!
51
00:01:58,431 --> 00:02:00,264
What a kick-ass day!
52
00:02:00,266 --> 00:02:02,533
I run into you,
some sucker throws away
53
00:02:02,535 --> 00:02:04,368
most of a perfectly good
hot dog...
54
00:02:05,204 --> 00:02:06,370
...kick-ass day!
55
00:02:06,372 --> 00:02:09,040
You still doing corporate law?
56
00:02:09,042 --> 00:02:11,125
I got downsized two years ago.
57
00:02:11,127 --> 00:02:12,109
It's been rough.
58
00:02:12,111 --> 00:02:14,278
Going through
a little bit of a depresh.
59
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,081
But just today, boom!
60
00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:19,984
Huge job prospect.
61
00:02:19,986 --> 00:02:20,801
Here's your application.
62
00:02:20,803 --> 00:02:21,969
Just tell them I sent you.
63
00:02:21,971 --> 00:02:24,989
I bet you could fit in
the bratwurst.
64
00:02:24,991 --> 00:02:27,141
Bratwurst with a face.
65
00:02:27,143 --> 00:02:28,676
What'd I tell you?
66
00:02:28,678 --> 00:02:31,095
Looks like I'm about
to be on a roll.
67
00:02:31,097 --> 00:02:33,264
Sounds like that guy
could use some help.
68
00:02:33,266 --> 00:02:34,765
I know!
That's why I said...
69
00:02:34,767 --> 00:02:36,634
You know, I'm at
Honeywell & Cootes,
70
00:02:36,636 --> 00:02:38,569
and they're looking
to hire an associate.
71
00:02:38,571 --> 00:02:40,404
I could totally recommend you.
72
00:02:40,406 --> 00:02:41,556
(all groan)
73
00:02:41,558 --> 00:02:43,975
Leave the
wounded behind!
74
00:02:44,225 --> 00:02:48,225
♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x07 ♪
The Stamp Tramp
Original Air Date on November 19, 2012
75
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:53,250
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
76
00:02:57,055 --> 00:03:00,107
'Cause Brad is
an old friend who needs a job.
77
00:03:00,109 --> 00:03:01,158
Why shouldn't I give him
78
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,661
the old Marshall Eriksen
Stamp of Approval?
79
00:03:03,663 --> 00:03:05,646
Marshall,
you're a stamp tramp.
80
00:03:05,648 --> 00:03:07,481
How dare you!
81
00:03:07,483 --> 00:03:09,483
And what is that?!
82
00:03:09,485 --> 00:03:12,069
You give your stamp of
approval to everything.
83
00:03:12,071 --> 00:03:13,070
It's become meaningless.
84
00:03:13,072 --> 00:03:14,955
It's like when my
mom likes a movie.
85
00:03:14,957 --> 00:03:17,808
It just means Richard
Dreyfuss is in it.
86
00:03:17,810 --> 00:03:20,411
Marshall, you love
everything and everyone.
87
00:03:20,413 --> 00:03:22,246
It's-It's what I love
about you,
88
00:03:22,248 --> 00:03:25,783
but it's also why
your stamps are total crap.
89
00:03:25,785 --> 00:03:27,117
Give me one example.
90
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:28,986
How about when
you turned your boss
91
00:03:28,988 --> 00:03:31,922
into a fountain
of bodily fluids?
92
00:03:32,958 --> 00:03:34,508
You guys like it?
93
00:03:34,510 --> 00:03:37,261
I'll be waiting for you in hell,
Eriksen.
94
00:03:37,263 --> 00:03:38,762
(vomits)
95
00:03:38,764 --> 00:03:40,998
(all groaning with disgust)
96
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,216
In my defense, that restaurant's
health rating had just gone
97
00:03:42,218 --> 00:03:44,451
from an "F" to a "D,"
and I wanted to reward that.
98
00:03:44,453 --> 00:03:46,503
Marshall, you're
already on thin ice
99
00:03:46,505 --> 00:03:48,222
with that horrible
Honeywell guy.
100
00:03:48,224 --> 00:03:51,008
Don't risk screwing
things up more right before
101
00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:52,192
your biggest case ever.
102
00:03:52,194 --> 00:03:53,978
Okay, Honeywell is not horrible,
103
00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:55,729
he just has a bad temper
sometimes.
104
00:03:55,731 --> 00:03:57,798
And he holds a grudge.
105
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,434
He's kind of defensive
about his height.
106
00:04:00,436 --> 00:04:01,468
And he's cheap.
107
00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:03,887
And he made
those secretaries cry.
108
00:04:03,889 --> 00:04:05,589
But, deep down,
he is a great guy.
109
00:04:05,591 --> 00:04:07,024
Heck, he gets my stamp, too.
110
00:04:07,026 --> 00:04:08,158
Stamp tramp.
111
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:09,960
Well, maybe
this isn't the moment
112
00:04:09,962 --> 00:04:11,578
to stick
your neck out for Brad.
113
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:13,464
Well, that's not how
I was raised.
114
00:04:13,466 --> 00:04:16,250
Back in St. Cloud,
we believe in people,
115
00:04:16,252 --> 00:04:20,904
people like Gudren Olsen, the
town wino who became our mayor.
116
00:04:20,906 --> 00:04:23,207
They even wound up naming
a bridge after him.
117
00:04:23,209 --> 00:04:25,776
The one he drove off.
118
00:04:25,778 --> 00:04:27,861
Marshall, why can't you be
more like your wife?
119
00:04:27,863 --> 00:04:29,013
Lily's stamp is gold.
120
00:04:29,015 --> 00:04:30,547
I'm reading this book
because of her.
121
00:04:30,549 --> 00:04:32,816
(bell dings)
122
00:04:32,818 --> 00:04:34,885
I'm drinking this beer
because she recommended it.
123
00:04:34,887 --> 00:04:36,437
(bell dings)
124
00:04:36,439 --> 00:04:37,888
I'm even wearing
this bra because
125
00:04:37,890 --> 00:04:39,723
of a lingerie store
Lily told me about.
126
00:04:39,725 --> 00:04:41,775
(bell dings twice)
127
00:04:41,777 --> 00:04:45,195
Uh, if anyone's got
the golden stamp,
128
00:04:45,197 --> 00:04:47,531
it's old Teddy
Westside over here.
129
00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:50,751
Please. You're a
piggyback stamper.
130
00:04:50,753 --> 00:04:52,419
How dare you!
131
00:04:52,421 --> 00:04:54,038
And what is that?!
132
00:04:54,040 --> 00:04:56,090
Allow us to demonstrate.
Lily?
133
00:04:56,092 --> 00:04:59,843
Hey, guys, I just found
a great new sushi restaurant.
134
00:04:59,845 --> 00:05:00,794
It's called Katsu...
135
00:05:00,796 --> 00:05:02,596
...yoku.
Katsuyoku.
136
00:05:02,598 --> 00:05:04,581
My idea. I'm Ted.
137
00:05:04,583 --> 00:05:06,100
Nailed it.
Totally.
138
00:05:07,251 --> 00:05:09,419
Okay, Ted, name one cool
thing you've given
139
00:05:09,421 --> 00:05:10,938
your stamp to first...
Dr. Berkowitz.
140
00:05:10,940 --> 00:05:13,440
...that isn't an ear,
nose and throat doctor.
141
00:05:15,426 --> 00:05:18,062
Man, these strip clubs
want me so bad.
142
00:05:18,064 --> 00:05:21,098
They're sending me T-shirts,
beer cozies.
143
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:23,767
Sticky's even sent me
144
00:05:23,769 --> 00:05:25,486
a boob-shaped
hand-sanitizer dispenser.
145
00:05:25,488 --> 00:05:27,971
It's clean and dirty
at the same time.
146
00:05:27,973 --> 00:05:31,542
That's it?
T-shirts and beer cozies?
147
00:05:31,544 --> 00:05:32,993
That's disrespect, son!
148
00:05:32,995 --> 00:05:34,128
Here's what you do:
149
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:37,464
hit a few strip clubs
in Jersey and Long Island.
150
00:05:37,466 --> 00:05:39,616
Jersey? Long Island?
151
00:05:39,618 --> 00:05:42,002
Why would I go to
a Third World nation
152
00:05:42,004 --> 00:05:43,787
to get my knob wobbled?
153
00:05:43,789 --> 00:05:44,755
Well, you wouldn't.
154
00:05:44,757 --> 00:05:46,557
But when the clubs in
the city hear
155
00:05:46,559 --> 00:05:48,976
you're sniffing around
across the river,
156
00:05:48,978 --> 00:05:50,477
those beer cozies
and T-shirts turn
157
00:05:50,479 --> 00:05:53,130
into Rolexes and fur coats.
158
00:05:53,132 --> 00:05:56,650
Especially from that
strip club, Fur Coats.
159
00:05:56,652 --> 00:05:59,486
Wow. That's genius.
160
00:05:59,488 --> 00:06:00,971
You're hired.
161
00:06:00,973 --> 00:06:02,089
What do you mean?
162
00:06:02,091 --> 00:06:04,474
I want you to be
my strip club agent.
163
00:06:04,476 --> 00:06:06,493
What is wrong with you?
164
00:06:06,495 --> 00:06:08,311
Well, I just figured I'd ask--
165
00:06:08,313 --> 00:06:09,496
No, I was talking to myself,
166
00:06:09,498 --> 00:06:11,648
because, for some reason,
I really want to do that!
167
00:06:11,650 --> 00:06:13,083
(laughs)
168
00:06:13,085 --> 00:06:15,836
Oh! Oh!
What am I wearing?
169
00:06:15,838 --> 00:06:19,206
Just proof of a stamp
I know I gave first,
170
00:06:19,208 --> 00:06:21,175
from a little band called...
171
00:06:21,177 --> 00:06:22,760
Dishwalla.
172
00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:23,794
Who?
173
00:06:23,796 --> 00:06:25,328
Dishwalla! Come on!
174
00:06:25,330 --> 00:06:26,430
They had that whole,
175
00:06:26,432 --> 00:06:28,398
"Tell Me All Your Thoughts
on God" song.
176
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,300
ALL:
Oh...
177
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:32,402
Look, I'm not saying
they're my favorite band,
178
00:06:32,404 --> 00:06:33,971
but for a little while
in college,
179
00:06:33,973 --> 00:06:36,974
we were all into that song,
and it was all thanks to me.
180
00:06:36,976 --> 00:06:38,609
But I turned you on
to Dishwalla.
181
00:06:38,611 --> 00:06:40,227
No way! I played them on
my radio show.
182
00:06:40,229 --> 00:06:43,847
I mean, pirate DJ Dr. X
played them on
183
00:06:43,849 --> 00:06:45,315
his beloved radio show.
184
00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:47,201
We all know
you were Dr. X, Ted!
185
00:06:47,203 --> 00:06:49,486
And I'm the one
who got us into that song.
186
00:06:49,488 --> 00:06:51,371
No! No!
On his beloved radio show,
187
00:06:51,373 --> 00:06:54,408
Dr. X pointed out
that the chorus went,
188
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:57,527
"Tell me all
your thoughts on God"
189
00:06:57,529 --> 00:06:59,863
♪ 'Cause I really want
to meet her. ♪
190
00:06:59,865 --> 00:07:02,549
Her. God's a woman.
(mimics explosion)
191
00:07:02,551 --> 00:07:03,967
And it blew the minds
192
00:07:03,969 --> 00:07:06,136
of everyone listening
to Dr. X that night.
193
00:07:06,138 --> 00:07:09,389
Which was pretty much everyone
on campus... including me.
194
00:07:09,391 --> 00:07:10,757
I'm not Dr. X.
195
00:07:10,759 --> 00:07:12,426
Oh, so you're saying
196
00:07:12,428 --> 00:07:15,896
credit for the stamp goes
to Dr. X then, not you.
197
00:07:20,435 --> 00:07:21,819
(exhales)
198
00:07:21,821 --> 00:07:23,904
Okay... I'm gonna tell you guys
something right now.
199
00:07:23,906 --> 00:07:26,190
Take a sip.
Follow my lead.
200
00:07:26,192 --> 00:07:28,992
(exhales)
201
00:07:28,994 --> 00:07:30,911
I'm Dr. X.
202
00:07:31,946 --> 00:07:34,114
ALL:
No!
203
00:07:34,116 --> 00:07:36,233
I hope this
works out, bro.
204
00:07:36,235 --> 00:07:38,335
I couldn't even get my leg
in that bratwurst outfit.
205
00:07:38,337 --> 00:07:42,289
Don't be nervous.
Honeywell is gonna love you.
206
00:07:42,291 --> 00:07:45,509
Sweet! Freebie
muff-tops!
207
00:07:45,511 --> 00:07:49,012
Can I pour you
a pocket of coffee?
208
00:07:49,014 --> 00:07:50,881
I didn't say
you were fat.
209
00:07:50,883 --> 00:07:53,800
I said that dress makes
you look fat! Idiot!
210
00:07:53,802 --> 00:07:55,585
Hey! You must be Brad!
211
00:07:55,587 --> 00:07:56,803
I'm excited to meet the man
212
00:07:56,805 --> 00:07:58,355
Eriksen's been talking up
all week.
213
00:07:58,357 --> 00:08:01,758
Mr. Honeywell, I have to say,
214
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,393
your environmental
work is amazing.
215
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:04,695
(bell dings)
216
00:08:04,697 --> 00:08:05,863
Come on, it's not like
I'm saving the world.
217
00:08:05,865 --> 00:08:08,565
Oh, wait, yes, I am!
218
00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:10,600
(both laugh)
Great.
219
00:08:10,602 --> 00:08:11,785
Marshall tells me you have
220
00:08:11,787 --> 00:08:14,604
the big Gruber Pharmaceutical
trial coming up.
221
00:08:14,606 --> 00:08:15,822
I'd love to give you my
thoughts on the case,
222
00:08:15,824 --> 00:08:18,325
but I can't take full credit.
223
00:08:18,327 --> 00:08:19,960
Most of these are
from my psychic.
224
00:08:19,962 --> 00:08:21,545
My psychic always
225
00:08:21,547 --> 00:08:23,046
pushes for a settlement.
226
00:08:23,048 --> 00:08:25,415
But my numerologist says
roll the dice with the jury.
227
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:27,417
I'm waiting for my
astrologist to weigh in,
228
00:08:27,419 --> 00:08:29,253
but he can be
kind of flaky.
229
00:08:29,255 --> 00:08:31,338
You know, Cancer.
230
00:08:31,340 --> 00:08:33,623
Should know more after
he's back from chemo.
231
00:08:34,392 --> 00:08:36,426
(bell dings)
Good luck, bro!
232
00:08:41,598 --> 00:08:44,343
You know the best part about you
challenging me on Dishwalla?
233
00:08:44,443 --> 00:08:46,243
Didn't challenge you, don't care.
It made me
234
00:08:46,245 --> 00:08:48,696
dig up my old video diaries
from freshman year.
235
00:08:48,698 --> 00:08:50,781
And somewhere in here
there's gonna be proof
236
00:08:50,783 --> 00:08:52,266
that I am not a
piggyback stamper.
237
00:08:52,268 --> 00:08:54,368
I have my own
original ideas.
238
00:08:54,370 --> 00:08:56,437
Didn't you only do
the video diaries
239
00:08:56,439 --> 00:08:58,072
because of Winona Ryder
in Reality Bites?
240
00:08:58,074 --> 00:08:59,473
No.
241
00:08:59,475 --> 00:09:01,125
I don't know what
you're talk-- shut up.
242
00:09:01,127 --> 00:09:03,477
Let's just watch.
243
00:09:03,479 --> 00:09:05,546
How do you even know there's
gonna be mention
244
00:09:05,548 --> 00:09:06,964
of Dishwalla on those tapes?
I don't.
245
00:09:06,966 --> 00:09:09,600
And it may take me days
to go through them all,
246
00:09:09,602 --> 00:09:12,519
but that is how committed
I am to the truth.
247
00:09:12,521 --> 00:09:16,140
LILY: Hey, you guys should check out
that song by the band Dishwalla.
248
00:09:16,142 --> 00:09:18,325
TED: Really?
I've never heard of them.
249
00:09:18,327 --> 00:09:20,594
Damn it!
250
00:09:20,596 --> 00:09:21,712
So?
251
00:09:21,714 --> 00:09:23,113
Bottom line, Vito:
a lot of
252
00:09:23,115 --> 00:09:24,648
strip clubs are into my client.
253
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:26,533
If you want the Melon Patch
to be in the mix,
254
00:09:26,535 --> 00:09:28,869
we're gonna need bigger melons
and smaller patches.
255
00:09:28,871 --> 00:09:30,537
Otherwise, your establishment
is not where
256
00:09:30,539 --> 00:09:32,539
Barney Stinson
is gonna pitch his tent.
257
00:09:32,541 --> 00:09:34,808
(chuckles)
B-Dawg, Barn Door,
258
00:09:34,810 --> 00:09:36,327
Stinson-natti, Bro-hio!
259
00:09:36,329 --> 00:09:38,712
Talk to me.
How's it hangin'?
260
00:09:38,714 --> 00:09:40,664
You are killing it
at this agent thing!
261
00:09:40,666 --> 00:09:43,500
I just got a big box
at Yankee Stadium
262
00:09:43,502 --> 00:09:45,336
from the ladies at The Big Box.
263
00:09:45,338 --> 00:09:46,420
Mm-hmm.
264
00:09:46,422 --> 00:09:48,088
One question: Golden Oldies
265
00:09:48,090 --> 00:09:50,791
just sent me a fax machine
and a Charo calendar.
266
00:09:50,793 --> 00:09:52,626
Mm-hmm.
Aren't they out of the running?
267
00:09:52,628 --> 00:09:54,978
Yeah, but those old bitches
don't need to know that.
268
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:56,930
Yeah, I just feel kind of bad.
269
00:09:56,932 --> 00:09:58,766
They just spent eight grand
270
00:09:58,768 --> 00:10:00,467
on that wheelchair ramp
up to the stage.
271
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:03,153
Hey, Larry, how's everything
at the Beaver Dam?
272
00:10:03,155 --> 00:10:04,988
I don't even know
that strip club.
273
00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:06,357
Oh, it's not a club.
274
00:10:06,359 --> 00:10:08,992
My cousin Larry is
a forest ranger in Squamish.
275
00:10:08,994 --> 00:10:10,994
Oh, yeah?
276
00:10:10,996 --> 00:10:12,312
Then I was fired from
277
00:10:12,314 --> 00:10:13,781
Bed Bath & Beyond
278
00:10:13,783 --> 00:10:15,165
for telling
inappropriate jokes.
279
00:10:15,167 --> 00:10:16,116
I mean...
280
00:10:16,118 --> 00:10:18,168
get a sense of
humor, LaShonda.
281
00:10:18,170 --> 00:10:19,787
You know how "they" are.
282
00:10:19,789 --> 00:10:22,790
"They" meaning Bed Bath
& Beyond employees, right?
283
00:10:22,792 --> 00:10:23,824
Hmm?
284
00:10:23,826 --> 00:10:25,292
No. Women.
285
00:10:25,294 --> 00:10:27,261
That still could have
been worse.
286
00:10:27,263 --> 00:10:29,930
Thank God I ran
into Marshall.
287
00:10:29,932 --> 00:10:31,832
This guy's supportive
as balls.
288
00:10:31,834 --> 00:10:33,133
And here I am.
289
00:10:33,135 --> 00:10:35,219
Yes, we both owe Marshall
a debt of gratitude
290
00:10:35,221 --> 00:10:37,638
for getting you
this interview.
291
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:38,605
Eriksen...
292
00:10:38,607 --> 00:10:40,674
can I see you outside?
Sure.
293
00:10:40,676 --> 00:10:43,444
Good. Try to stay
out there a few minutes.
294
00:10:43,446 --> 00:10:47,364
I just cut one, and I can
tell it's gonna be a slow burn.
295
00:10:48,233 --> 00:10:49,233
(clears throat)
296
00:10:49,235 --> 00:10:52,619
TED:
What is Generation X?
297
00:10:52,621 --> 00:10:55,355
What does the X in
"Generation X" stand for?
298
00:10:55,357 --> 00:10:56,907
What do we stand for?
299
00:10:56,909 --> 00:10:59,877
Why aren't people on campus
talking about this?
300
00:10:59,879 --> 00:11:02,162
Maybe you should do
a radio show
301
00:11:02,164 --> 00:11:05,031
and call yourself Dr. X.
302
00:11:05,033 --> 00:11:06,250
(laughing)
303
00:11:06,252 --> 00:11:08,886
I just had an amazing idea.
304
00:11:10,672 --> 00:11:11,705
(groans)
305
00:11:11,707 --> 00:11:13,140
Just turn it off!
306
00:11:13,142 --> 00:11:14,808
I can't look away.
307
00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:16,844
Oh, God, no.
308
00:11:16,846 --> 00:11:18,896
Oh, God, I'm putting on a beret.
309
00:11:18,898 --> 00:11:20,197
You were there.
310
00:11:20,199 --> 00:11:21,899
Why didn't you tell me
that looked stupid?
311
00:11:21,901 --> 00:11:24,768
LILY:
Ted, that beret looks stupid.
312
00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:27,438
TED (French accent):
I look magnifique !
313
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:29,940
Marshall, that man is the human
equivalent of what came out
314
00:11:29,942 --> 00:11:31,909
of my body after eating
that soup you recommended!
315
00:11:31,911 --> 00:11:33,110
This guy's your friend?
316
00:11:33,112 --> 00:11:36,163
Really more of an
acquaintance than a friend.
317
00:11:36,165 --> 00:11:38,532
(bell dings)
No backpedaling.
318
00:11:38,534 --> 00:11:40,033
You're Marshall Eriksen.
319
00:11:40,035 --> 00:11:42,453
You believe in people.
320
00:11:42,455 --> 00:11:44,421
You know what Brad
hasn't told you?
321
00:11:44,423 --> 00:11:46,507
He was third in our
class at Columbia.
322
00:11:46,509 --> 00:11:48,342
That is impressive.
323
00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:50,761
And I suppose he did warn us
about the fart.
324
00:11:50,763 --> 00:11:51,845
He's a great guy.
325
00:11:51,847 --> 00:11:55,048
Please... give him
just one more chance.
326
00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:57,801
Two more minutes.
327
00:11:57,803 --> 00:11:59,419
(bell dings)
328
00:11:59,421 --> 00:12:00,888
I'm proud of you.
329
00:12:00,890 --> 00:12:03,924
I'm proud of you for
being proud of me.
330
00:12:04,726 --> 00:12:06,593
(light ding)
331
00:12:08,363 --> 00:12:10,597
You went undergrad
to Holy Cross?
332
00:12:10,599 --> 00:12:11,615
That's my alma mater.
333
00:12:11,617 --> 00:12:13,450
I went there on a basketball
scholarship.
334
00:12:13,452 --> 00:12:15,202
No way. I played center.
335
00:12:15,204 --> 00:12:17,070
(scoffs)
Uh-oh.
336
00:12:17,072 --> 00:12:18,539
Why is that so shocking?
337
00:12:18,541 --> 00:12:22,108
'Cause you're, like,
an itty-bitty fella.
338
00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:23,827
Hey, uh, fish, huh?
339
00:12:23,829 --> 00:12:24,795
Fish are crazy, right?
340
00:12:24,797 --> 00:12:25,963
You guys ever think
about fish?
341
00:12:25,965 --> 00:12:28,298
I am six-foot one, sir.
342
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,751
Bro, I'm at least
a foot taller than you.
343
00:12:30,753 --> 00:12:34,254
Well, then I guess that makes
you a freakish seven-foot one.
344
00:12:34,256 --> 00:12:36,006
What do you call fish
with no eyes?
345
00:12:36,008 --> 00:12:38,091
"Fsh."
346
00:12:38,093 --> 00:12:41,512
I am six-feet and one inch,
and I'll prove it.
347
00:12:41,514 --> 00:12:43,146
(snaps fingers)
Eriksen.
348
00:12:47,652 --> 00:12:49,319
How tall are you?
349
00:12:49,321 --> 00:12:52,072
Seven feet.
350
00:12:53,241 --> 00:12:55,359
So, we've got
a deal somewhere?
351
00:12:55,361 --> 00:12:56,643
We sure do.
352
00:12:56,645 --> 00:12:58,195
You are the new face of--
353
00:12:58,197 --> 00:13:01,982
and exclusive customer to...
354
00:13:01,984 --> 00:13:04,284
Golden Oldies!
355
00:13:04,286 --> 00:13:05,836
What?!
356
00:13:05,838 --> 00:13:07,621
I thought we ruled them out!
357
00:13:07,623 --> 00:13:09,957
(high-pitched):
I don't remember that!
358
00:13:09,959 --> 00:13:11,758
Now let's go. It is 4:00,
359
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:13,794
and their dinner show starts
in ten minutes.
360
00:13:13,796 --> 00:13:15,679
Wait a minute.
361
00:13:15,681 --> 00:13:17,130
Oh...
362
00:13:17,132 --> 00:13:18,164
Is that a Rolex?
363
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:19,600
Huh. What do you know?
364
00:13:19,602 --> 00:13:20,801
How did that get there?
365
00:13:20,803 --> 00:13:24,671
Anyway, uh, so
initial here and...
366
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:26,974
Where'd you get
the bling, Robin?
367
00:13:26,976 --> 00:13:28,642
Uh...
368
00:13:28,644 --> 00:13:30,527
They bribed you.
369
00:13:30,529 --> 00:13:32,779
They bribed you!
370
00:13:32,781 --> 00:13:35,449
Why else would you pick a place
where the strippers say
371
00:13:35,451 --> 00:13:37,684
they're trying to put their
grandkids through college?!
372
00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:39,352
Please leave!
373
00:13:39,354 --> 00:13:40,988
Barney, I can explain, okay?
374
00:13:40,990 --> 00:13:42,522
Please...
375
00:13:42,524 --> 00:13:45,876
leave.
376
00:13:45,878 --> 00:13:48,028
Say it, you giant beast!
Say I'm six-one!
377
00:13:48,030 --> 00:13:50,547
Maybe if you stood on top
of that pot of gold
378
00:13:50,549 --> 00:13:52,516
you have at the end
of your rainbow.
379
00:13:52,518 --> 00:13:53,967
You know something?!
380
00:13:53,969 --> 00:13:55,469
You're nothing but a...
381
00:13:55,471 --> 00:13:56,887
a tree man!
382
00:13:56,889 --> 00:13:59,840
I never want to
see you again, tree man!
383
00:13:59,842 --> 00:14:00,974
Fine.
384
00:14:00,976 --> 00:14:02,743
I have to go to the
little boys' room.
385
00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:04,210
Not your office.
386
00:14:04,212 --> 00:14:06,546
I need to take a dump.
387
00:14:07,882 --> 00:14:10,183
If that's the type of guy
you vouch for,
388
00:14:10,185 --> 00:14:11,518
I can't trust your judgment.
389
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,236
You're off the Gruber
Pharmaceutical case.
390
00:14:13,238 --> 00:14:14,655
No...
391
00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:22,234
Oh, good, we're up to the
time I got my ear pierced.
392
00:14:22,334 --> 00:14:23,452
(on video):
Do it, do it, do it, do it.
393
00:14:23,453 --> 00:14:25,069
Don't do it! Don't do it!
Don't, don't.
394
00:14:25,194 --> 00:14:27,427
Okay, do it now.
Do, do, do it, do it.
395
00:14:27,429 --> 00:14:30,335
Don't, don't do it!
Don't do it! Don't do it!
396
00:14:30,435 --> 00:14:34,053
Don't! Yes, you can do this.
You can...
397
00:14:34,055 --> 00:14:36,222
That goes on for 45 minutes.
398
00:14:37,924 --> 00:14:40,976
Hey... how was work, baby?
399
00:14:40,978 --> 00:14:43,779
Remember how
I always wanted to know
400
00:14:43,781 --> 00:14:46,065
what it was like to be a ghost?
401
00:14:46,817 --> 00:14:48,818
Well, I don't want that anymore.
402
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:50,185
Okay, suppose we lead
403
00:14:50,187 --> 00:14:52,822
with the carbon testing
of the residue water.
404
00:14:52,824 --> 00:14:55,991
How do we keep
the jury engaged? Anyone?
405
00:14:56,927 --> 00:14:59,578
You could bring up
the survey from
406
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:02,047
Dr. Pasquesi's testimony.
407
00:15:02,049 --> 00:15:03,165
Anyone?
408
00:15:03,167 --> 00:15:06,669
Anyone who isn't dead to me?
409
00:15:06,671 --> 00:15:09,255
Then you have to earn
Honeywell's trust back.
410
00:15:09,257 --> 00:15:10,723
Just start small.
411
00:15:10,725 --> 00:15:12,174
Put your stamp on little things
412
00:15:12,176 --> 00:15:13,976
that have nothing
to do with work.
413
00:15:13,978 --> 00:15:15,060
Like a funny video.
414
00:15:15,062 --> 00:15:18,230
I, uh, I may have something.
415
00:15:20,183 --> 00:15:23,051
TED: Don't think, Mosby! Do it now!
Oh, my God, I'm doing it!
416
00:15:23,053 --> 00:15:24,720
Wow, he's a real bleeder!
417
00:15:24,722 --> 00:15:26,405
(bell dings)
418
00:15:26,407 --> 00:15:29,391
LILY: And then you build to somethingelse small, like a tasty snack.
419
00:15:29,393 --> 00:15:31,393
Don't sleep on the popcorn.
420
00:15:31,395 --> 00:15:34,530
Try mixing the caramel
and the cheese.
421
00:15:34,532 --> 00:15:35,998
It shouldn't work,
422
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,666
but... it... does.
423
00:15:37,668 --> 00:15:40,419
There's no way caramel
and cheese... That's good!
424
00:15:40,421 --> 00:15:42,304
That is good. Oh!
425
00:15:42,306 --> 00:15:43,706
(bell dings)
426
00:15:43,708 --> 00:15:45,875
LILY: And when Honeywell startstrusting your stamp again,
427
00:15:45,877 --> 00:15:48,177
he'll seek outyour opinion on things.
428
00:15:48,179 --> 00:15:49,261
Be honest, Eriksen.
429
00:15:49,263 --> 00:15:51,046
Is this deep-V working?
430
00:15:51,048 --> 00:15:53,265
And that's whenyou lie your ass off.
431
00:15:53,267 --> 00:15:54,850
Sir...
432
00:15:54,852 --> 00:15:57,019
I think you could
go even deeper.
433
00:15:57,021 --> 00:15:59,104
(bell dings)
434
00:15:59,106 --> 00:16:01,390
And before you know it...
435
00:16:01,392 --> 00:16:02,591
Eriksen, get in here.
436
00:16:02,593 --> 00:16:05,561
...you're back on the case.
437
00:16:07,230 --> 00:16:10,533
Ted, why are you
torturing yourself?
438
00:16:10,535 --> 00:16:12,618
None of us were
our best in college.
439
00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:15,971
Oh, my God, I love
my hair there!
440
00:16:15,973 --> 00:16:19,992
I always thought I was this kid
from suburban Ohio
441
00:16:19,994 --> 00:16:22,828
who had this innate sense
of judgment and taste
442
00:16:22,830 --> 00:16:26,382
and just showed up to college
and wowed everyone.
443
00:16:26,384 --> 00:16:29,418
Now I have concrete proof
that I wasn't.
444
00:16:29,420 --> 00:16:31,637
I was a total gomer.
445
00:16:31,639 --> 00:16:33,806
Maybe I still am.
446
00:16:33,808 --> 00:16:35,558
Wait-- that's
the giant suit
447
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,460
Marshall wore on
our third date.
448
00:16:38,462 --> 00:16:39,678
TED (on video):
So...
449
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,096
Marshall Eriksen,
450
00:16:41,098 --> 00:16:44,733
you just came back from
your third date with Lily.
451
00:16:44,735 --> 00:16:45,768
How was it?
452
00:16:45,770 --> 00:16:47,186
Great, yeah.
453
00:16:47,188 --> 00:16:52,491
I just... I think I'm falling
for this girl pretty hard.
454
00:16:52,493 --> 00:16:54,410
But is everything
happening too fast?
455
00:16:54,412 --> 00:16:56,495
I mean, maybe I should
see other people.
456
00:16:56,497 --> 00:16:57,913
Whoa, dude, no!
457
00:16:57,915 --> 00:17:01,149
Lily Aldrin is special.
You hold on to that girl.
458
00:17:01,151 --> 00:17:02,768
MARSHALL:
She is.
459
00:17:02,770 --> 00:17:03,869
I'm only 18 and...
460
00:17:03,871 --> 00:17:06,205
Marshall, you being 18
isn't a bad thing.
461
00:17:06,207 --> 00:17:09,658
It just means you get to spend
even more of your life with her.
462
00:17:09,660 --> 00:17:12,044
I mean, I'm probably
not gonna meet my wife
463
00:17:12,046 --> 00:17:14,380
until I'm, like, 23.
464
00:17:15,732 --> 00:17:17,099
You're right.
465
00:17:17,101 --> 00:17:20,502
What am I thinking?
466
00:17:20,504 --> 00:17:23,505
I'm in love
with this girl.
467
00:17:23,507 --> 00:17:25,674
Ted, oh, my God.
468
00:17:25,676 --> 00:17:28,844
You gave me
the ultimate stamp.
469
00:17:28,846 --> 00:17:33,449
And in my whole life,
this life...
470
00:17:33,451 --> 00:17:36,735
it all goes back to that moment.
471
00:17:38,371 --> 00:17:41,824
TED (on video): I mean, maybe take
a month off, bang a couple chicks.
472
00:17:41,826 --> 00:17:43,692
Lily's not going anywhere.
473
00:17:46,329 --> 00:17:49,181
Hey, Barney.
Hey.
474
00:17:49,183 --> 00:17:51,800
Um, look, I'm sorry about the
whole skimming-off-the-top-
475
00:17:51,802 --> 00:17:54,003
of-the-strip-club-swag thing.
476
00:17:54,005 --> 00:17:55,888
Hey, it happens to everybody.
477
00:17:55,890 --> 00:17:57,673
Really? Because even
as I said those words,
478
00:17:57,675 --> 00:18:00,709
they did not feel
like a real thing.
479
00:18:00,711 --> 00:18:03,729
Hey, look, wherever you end up,
can I have the dubious honor
480
00:18:03,731 --> 00:18:05,431
of buying you
your first lap dance?
481
00:18:05,433 --> 00:18:07,215
It's a date.
482
00:18:07,217 --> 00:18:12,104
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's time for "The Decision."
483
00:18:12,106 --> 00:18:13,889
(boombox plays fanfare)
484
00:18:13,891 --> 00:18:15,157
Yeah.
485
00:18:15,159 --> 00:18:19,328
Ladies, my bro-dium?
486
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:20,996
Yeah. (chuckles)
487
00:18:20,998 --> 00:18:22,197
Look at this!
488
00:18:22,199 --> 00:18:25,334
Man, this whole
free agent experience,
489
00:18:25,336 --> 00:18:28,320
it's been an unbelievable
experience,
490
00:18:28,322 --> 00:18:31,239
a real humbling experience.
491
00:18:31,241 --> 00:18:34,259
First of all, The Lusty Leopard
is where I developed my game.
492
00:18:34,261 --> 00:18:35,844
Oh...
493
00:18:35,846 --> 00:18:40,015
(voice breaks): I have nothing
but the utmost respect for you skanks.
494
00:18:40,017 --> 00:18:41,750
He's just gonna stay
at The Lusty Leopard.
495
00:18:41,752 --> 00:18:43,251
They have loyalty
and heart.
496
00:18:43,253 --> 00:18:44,586
I bet you
he rewards that.
497
00:18:44,588 --> 00:18:47,222
LeBron moved on, Ted.
So should you.
498
00:18:48,725 --> 00:18:51,193
But Barney Stinson has
to do what's right
499
00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:53,278
for Barney Stinson's penis.
500
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:58,083
In this fall... This is tough.
501
00:18:58,085 --> 00:19:00,736
Um... in this fall I'm going
502
00:19:00,738 --> 00:19:03,772
to take my talents
to Mouth Beach.
503
00:19:09,045 --> 00:19:12,131
NARRATOR: The next day, Uncle Marshallwent to court
504
00:19:12,133 --> 00:19:13,916
for the biggest caseof his life.
505
00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:16,585
Hey, Marshall!
Bilbo!
506
00:19:16,587 --> 00:19:18,470
Brad? What are you...?
507
00:19:18,472 --> 00:19:20,989
Did you just get hired
508
00:19:20,991 --> 00:19:22,658
by Gruber Pharmaceutical's
legal team?
509
00:19:22,660 --> 00:19:24,626
Oh, not just.
510
00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:26,428
I've been working
for them for two years.
511
00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:29,631
I heard about the job openingat Honeywell & Cootes
512
00:19:29,633 --> 00:19:32,818
and knew that if I hung outin front of your office
513
00:19:32,820 --> 00:19:36,021
and pretended to be down onmy luck, you'd take pity on me,
514
00:19:36,023 --> 00:19:37,139
get me an interview...
515
00:19:37,141 --> 00:19:38,774
Try to stay out there
a few minutes.
516
00:19:38,776 --> 00:19:42,861
I just cut one, and I can tell
it's gonna be a slow burn.
517
00:19:42,863 --> 00:19:45,998
...and buy some alone timein the conference room.
518
00:19:51,504 --> 00:19:55,040
I got your firm's strategy
for the case.
519
00:19:55,042 --> 00:19:57,042
Muchas gracias, bro-migo.
520
00:19:58,461 --> 00:20:01,680
He's really more of an
acquaintance than a bro-migo.
521
00:20:01,682 --> 00:20:03,682
Win this case
or you're fired, Eriksen.
522
00:20:03,684 --> 00:20:06,635
NARRATOR: And so began the trial thatwould change the course
523
00:20:06,637 --> 00:20:07,703
of Marshall's career.
524
00:20:07,705 --> 00:20:10,806
But we'll get to that.
525
00:20:10,808 --> 00:20:15,010
Oh, you see?! This is what
I miss about being single:
526
00:20:15,012 --> 00:20:17,012
cutting loose
at a strip club,
527
00:20:17,014 --> 00:20:19,565
drinkin' some beers,
seein' some boobs,
528
00:20:19,567 --> 00:20:22,367
getting thrown out
for being "too handsy."
529
00:20:22,369 --> 00:20:25,037
You were a little
out of control tonight.
530
00:20:25,039 --> 00:20:26,205
You know,
I really thought
531
00:20:26,207 --> 00:20:29,708
that that bouncer was
bluffing with the Taser.
532
00:20:29,710 --> 00:20:32,711
Man, everything's gonna taste
like pennies for a week.
533
00:20:32,713 --> 00:20:34,580
I had a fun time
tonight, though.
534
00:20:34,582 --> 00:20:36,131
Me, too.
535
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,499
I always have fun with you.
536
00:20:37,501 --> 00:20:38,717
(chuckles)
537
00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,043
Whoa, whoa.
538
00:20:48,045 --> 00:20:51,847
I-I've got to... um...
539
00:20:51,849 --> 00:20:54,233
We can't, we can't
do this.
540
00:20:54,235 --> 00:20:55,517
(stammers)
541
00:20:55,519 --> 00:20:57,569
This, this can't happen.
542
00:20:58,354 --> 00:21:02,122
Uh, I've got to go.
What...?
543
00:21:02,123 --> 00:21:07,123
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
39276
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