All language subtitles for Demetri.Martin.Standup.Comedian.2012.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

[acoustic guitar music]

*

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

- Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

Thanks for clapping so much.

I appreciate that.

And thanks to anyone at home
who was clapping.

That's kind of weird,
but I appreciate it.

This is the end
of a long tour for me.

I've been traveling so much
to get ready for this show,

and I went all over
the country,

so I'm psyched
to be back in New York.

Nice to be home.
Yeah.

It's a good place to be.

A lot of times when I fly
when I travel,

I have to fill out
a customs form.

They ask me
all these questions.

And when I answer
the questions,

it makes me feel
like I had a crappy trip.

"Were you on a farm
in the last four days?"

No.

"Did you touch
any livestock?"

No.

"Do you have any firearms?"

No! I didn't
do anything good!

Next time, I'm gonna touch
a cow, and I'm gonna shoot it.

I like people-watching,
mostly this one woman.

Kind of
narrowed it down.

I'm doing 'em
one at a time.

Do some person-watching,
you know?

I wish my name
started with a comma.

I think that would be
a little more interesting

when people introduce me.

"This is Brian
and Chris and...

Demetri."

"What's up
with that last guy?

"He sounds interesting.

Got a patient dude
there, huh?"

It's weird
when you introduce somebody.

You say like,
"This is Frank."

It sounds pretty normal
until you think about it,

you know?

"This."

"Hey, guys, this...

"This stuff right here,

this is Frank."

"Excuse me,
what is that?"

"This?
This is Frank."

"Oh, that's what that is.
All right."

I guess it should be
"He is Frank,"

but that sounds weirder
somehow.

Walk up with a person
and be like,

"Hey, guys.
He is Frank.

Frank, take it away.
Go ahead."

"What are you
saying 'he' for?

I'm right here.
What's--?"

It's like when
you call somebody, you know?

You have to say,
"This is."

Like, "Hello?"

"This is Demetri."

You can't be like,
"Hello?"

"I am Demetri."

"What?"

"Take me to your leader."

But then when
you go up to someone in person,

the rule flips.

It's the opposite.
It's weird.

I walk up to you,
I have to be like,

"Hi, I am Demetri."

I can't walk up to you
and go,

"This is Demetri.

You like this?"

"This is an idiot.

This is going."

Surprise parties are strange
'cause people jump up,

and they yell
the word "surprise"

at the party.

I came home, and you emerged
from my furniture.

You don't have to tell me
how to feel.

I don't need a hint.

It's not like if you said
a different emotion,

then I would
feel that instead.

I come home
and you're like,

"Confidence!"

"Oh, all right, yeah.
Conf--"

Yeah.

Smoking is a big problem.

We can't get people
to quit smoking,

and warnings
don't work.

I think you gotta
change the cigarettes.

You know what I mean?

If you change the shape
of the cigarettes,

maybe that would do it.

Like, if you had a cigarette
that had, like,

two balls
hanging from it.

"This doesn't look as cool
as it used to.

I gotta quit.
This is ridiculous."

"Surgeon general warning:

cigarette may contain
tiny, hairy balls."

When somebody commits
a murder-suicide,

that's probably someone

who's not thinking through
the afterlife.

"Bam! You're dead.

"Bam! I'm dead.

"Oh, hey.

"Oh, shit.

This is gonna
be awkward forever."

When there's somebody
who's dead,

and then someone
does something

that that person
would not have liked,

they say that that person
is spinning in their grave,

but I don't understand
why they say that.

Why is spinning the way
that a corpse shows disapproval?

That doesn't make
any sense.

I mean, if we
showed disapproval

that way
when we were alive,

then it would make sense.

"Oh, man, I am so pissed
at you right now.

You have no idea
how mad I am."

"Oh, shit,
Demetri's spinning.

Let's get out of here."

If I lived
below a tap dancer,

I would just put
really powerful magnets

on the ceiling.

"What's that?

"We're not tapping shit now,
are we?

"More of a tap stander
we got up there.

"Oh, now we're moving.

"Oh, over to the window.
Look at that.

Ah, there we go."

When a Dalmatian sees a cow,
he must be like,

"What the hell
happened to him?

"I am high right now.

That Dalmatian
is fat and smeary."

When the cow
sees the Dalmatian,

he must be like,

"He looks amazing.

"I am so out of shape.
This is ridiculous.

My tits
are on the ground here."

I was in the store, and I
saw prune juice on the shelf.

And I stopped 'cause I thought,
"Wait a minute...

"I thought prunes
were dried plums.

"What the hell
is this stuff?

"How hard are we squeezing
these prunes?

"This is plum juice,
isn't it, prunes?

"This is plum juice.
Nice try, prunes.

"Trying to take
plums' credit,

which is not
surprising behavior."

If digestion is a party
in your stomach,

then prunes are the cops
showing up to ruin it.

Food's in there just like,
"Oh, we're digesting."

Prunes show up.

"All right, lights on.
Party's over.

Everybody out. Move.
Go, go, go."

A piece of broccoli's
like,

"But my friend's
still in there."

"I don't give a shit.
No pun intended.

Get out."

When I first heard
the term "training bra,"

I was freaked out.

I was pretty young,
and I said,

"Did you just say
'training bra'?

"They're training
their chests?

I had no idea."

You see some lady,
her boobs are everywhere.

"What's her deal?"

"Those are
untrained titties."

"What?"
"You've gotta train 'em

"when they're young,
or they go wild.

"You can't have free-range boobs
bouncing all over the place.

"She was sitting
on the couch,

"one just punched her
in the face.

She wasn't even moving."

Sometimes, if a woman
has a really nice butt,

she'll wear tight pants.

Then everybody looks at her butt
when she walks by.

That's nice,

but it seems like a waste.

Everybody's looking there,

I feel like we should
put important information

on the butt.

We should put the photos

of missing children
right on there.

"Damn!

We gotta find that boy."

The hardest compliment
to give is "nice face."

"Hey, nice face."

"Fuck you."

"Okay.
I liked your face, but--"

I go to the gym, and I try
to run on the treadmill.

And I listen to music,

but it doesn't
motivate me enough.

So I'm gonna get
a recording

of a pack of wolves
gaining on me.

People will be like,
"Why is that guy crying

on that treadmill
over there?"

"I don't know,
but he's been yelling 'Help!'

"for, like,
20 minutes.

He's getting
a good workout."

When I was in high school,
I experimented sexually.

The experiment was to never
have sex with anybody,

no matter how hard
I tried.

Success!

Hypothesis confirmed.

When you're having sex
with somebody,

you can say "yes,"
or "yeah,"

or "uh-huh,"

but for some reason,
you can't say "yup."

"Yup. Oh, yup, baby.

"Yup, yup, yup, yup.

"Indeed!

Affirmative."

All right,
let's bring out this thing.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I love it.

I love, love
these pages.

Not in, like, a--
[laughs]

Not that way,
you know?

All right,
I got some drawings

I want
to show you guys.

First, I got a product
I came up with.

It's called
a baby silencer.

I thought of this
on an airplane.

There was this baby crying
and bothering everybody.

I was thinking, "How could
I get that baby quiet?"

Then it hit me.
It's a baby silencer.

It's a funnel that the baby
wears over its nose and mouth

with a tube
that goes to headphones

to the baby's own ears.

Baby's like,
"Waah! Waah!

"Ow! Ow!
Hello?

That's me.
I should shut up."

Baby silenced.
Perfect.

Yeah.

That's
a girlfriend silencer.

That works temporarily.

Be careful.
Be careful with that.

Now this is a graph.

Okay, karaoke.

This is how fun it is
to watch the person doing it.

This is how bad
the person is at it.

It's kind of
an interesting curve,

'cause if they're
not that bad at it,

it's kind of fun
to watch.

You know, they're kind of
singing on key or whatever.

Not great.

If they're
a little worse at it,

it's terrible to watch.

It's, like, awkward.

It's not bad enough
to be funny,

not good enough
to be entertaining.

But if they're worse,

something magical
starts to happen.

The worse they get,
the more fun it is

to watch them struggle.

Tone deaf, drunk,
standing on a chair.

Yes,
this is what we want.

What's interesting is skiing
follows the exact same curve.

Almost in the Olympics.

Never been on a hill
before.

Also, reading aloud
in class.

That story's
pretty interesting,

but this story's
way more interesting over here.

"Jimmy's an idiot.
I had no idea.

"Sound it out,
buddy.

"Come on,
you can do it.

"I think
we can still hang out.

Oh, man."

A lot of signs are lazy.

"Stop."
"Exit."

They just tell you the word,
and that's it.

But not "wet floor."

They give you the words
and also a scenario.

"Wet floor.
This could happen to you."

"Oh, crap.
That kind of wet floor.

"I thought
it was a command,

but then
I saw the guy."

It's not
that persuasive though.

This guy
has no eyes or feet.

You have no eyes or feet?

Of course you fell.

Those are the top two things
you need to not fall.

"Wait a minute, you're the guy
from the bathroom.

"What are you doing out here?
I just saw you in the back.

"You're running around
with no face.

Come on, man."

I don't know when
the question mark

first appeared,
but I bet you

it worked immediately.

"Hey, man,
check this out."

"What is that?"

"Exactly!

"We got it, Tony.
This shape works.

"It's an exclamation point
with severe scoliosis.

Write it down."

My friend was involved
in a love triangle.

He liked this woman,

and this other guy
also liked the woman,

but I tried
to explain to him,

"That's a love angle
that you're in.

You're involved
in a love angle, man."

For it to be a love triangle,
the two guys

also have to have
something going on.

Now you got
three vertices.

That's a love triangle.

And that's an orgy.

And that's a Mormon.

And that's a Mormon orgy.
That's a "Morgy."

I don't know if these exist,
but this is a schematic.

This is an ice cream flavor
called "dead gnome."

Now I like popsicles
as much as the next person,

but they're
structurally unstable.

When I start eating it,
I'm like, "This is good,"

but then I start thinking,
"There's gonna be trouble soon.

"One of these sides
is gonna fall off.

"It's gonna ruin my carpet.

This is gonna suck."

It's time to update
popsicle sticks.

Now I don't have to worry.
That's a little better.

Plus, I could make
a crazy bridge

out of these.

This is how interesting
you find your children,

and this is how interesting
I find your children.

Which is how you want it,
by the way.

That's how it should be.

You don't want
the opposite.

This is--
That's not mean.

That's nature.
That's correct.

Okay.

Pets are numerically
interesting.

If you have one,
that's okay.

If you have four,
you're desperate.

If you have 32,
you look crazy.

What's interesting is that teeth
are the exact opposite.

I think it's time
we update elevator buttons.

Yeah.

If you're a man
and you're wearing a fur coat

and you're not an Eskimo,
then you're a douche bag.

Okay, this is a diagram.

This is the interior
of the head

of a man who cut me off
in traffic a few weeks ago.

That's shit.

Finally, this is the amount
a guy looks like Jesus

versus the probability
that he has pot.

The more
he looks like Jesus,

the more likely he is
to have pot,

till we get to a critical point.
"This one's on a cross.

"Uh-oh. We made a mistake.
Let's get out of here."

And that's an end.

Thanks, everybody.

Thanks.

All right.
Thanks, Jeff.

So I'm gonna
do some more jokes here.

Anybody want
to talk about anything?

- Crocodiles!

- "Crocodiles."

- Old people.
- Old people.

Okay.
- Jet packs.

- Old crocodiles.
- If you combine those,

it's interesting.

I'll say this,
it's really hard

to say good-bye
to an alligator

without sounding cheesy.

"All right, alligator,
I'll see you, uh...

"at some point
in the future.

"Crocodile,
I'll see you...

after some time
has passed."

If I could talk to old ladies,
I would tell 'em,

"Hey, uh, the amount of perfume
you're putting on,

just divide that
by a thousand."

I got a business idea.

I was gonna open a store
in the Chicago airport,

one of the biggest airports
in the country,

and have a big store
right by one of the gates.

But in my store,
I would just sell stuff

that says "Denver"
on it.

So when people
get off the plane,

they look at my store
and they go,

"Oh, shit."

And if somebody
came up to me and said,

"Excuse me, this
is the Chicago airport.

You're selling stuff
that says 'Denver' on it."

I would go,
"Oh, shit.

"I knew I rushed
into this investment.

Guess I'll just have to write
'Not' on everything."

"Where'd you get
that sweatshirt?"

"Not Denver.
Don't worry about it."

I went to book a flight,

and they had
a reservation wizard

working on the website
for the airline.

And then I went
to get a hotel room,

and they had
a hotel wizard.

Went to get a rental car,
they have a rental wizard.

I mean,
there are wizards

working all over the internet
now, and that's sad

because you're using wizardry
to do clerical work.

That's magic, man.
That's wasted talent.

I guess the economy
has really hit

the wizarding community
pretty hard.

You never see witches
getting those jobs though.

"Book a room
using our hotel witch."

I'm not using a witch
to get a hotel room.

Are you crazy?

I'll work with a wizard,
but I'm...

I'm pretty sexist
when it comes to using magic

for clerical
travel stuff.

I don't usually fly
in first class,

but I do fart
in first class.

"Can I help you,
sir?"

"Nah, I'm cool.

"I'm gonna head back
to my seat.

Got a little lost.
Sorry about that."

[sniffs] "It smells
like coach up here."

I was having lunch
with my friend,

and I said,
"Hey, what's your middle name?"

He said,
"I have two middle names."

I said, "Then you
have no middle names.

You have a space."

Yeah.

We were having lunch,
and I went to treat him.

I said,
"Hey, I got this.

I'm gonna buy you lunch."

And he said,
"Are you sure?"

Has anybody ever backed out
at that point?

"Hey, man, I got this."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm glad
you brought that up.

"I was bluffing.
I'm not sure at all.

"You called my bluff.

I got no money.
You want to just run for it?"

I'm gonna go to a party,

and when people say,
"What do you do?"

I'll say, "I make
business cards for a living."

and then I'll pull one out
that says, "See?"

When I'm cleaning up
my apartment,

I feel like my dustpan
is willing to help out

but just to a point.

Like,
"All right, cool.

There's just a little bit
left here."

And then
the dustpan's like,

"I'm out right here."

"No, come on, dustpan.
There's just dust left.

I mean, you're called a dustpan.
Let's just do this."

"I'm not
picking that up."

"The hell you're not.
We're gonna go perpendicular.

You're picking this up."

It's like, "I said no.

"Take the broom
and just redistribute it

around the room."

I had a mouse
in my apartment.

That was like having
the worst roommate ever.

"All right,
who shit on the spoons?

"I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna freaking kill him.

Somebody ate the corners
of all my Doritos."

"Brian,
the freaking mouse, right?"

"Yeah.

"Same guy who had sex
under the refrigerator.

I'm gonna glue him
to the floor...

Till he dies.
I'm gonna glue-kill him."

If you say something trivial
but you say your age before it,

then it sounds
really important.

"I'm 43 years old.
I want a sandwich."

"Give the man a sandwich."

If you say it
in the past tense,

it sounds like
you're starting your novel.

"I was 43 years old.

"I wanted a sandwich.

Chapter One."

If you say it
in the future,

you sound like an idiot
who had a time machine.

"Listen to me,
when I'm 43 years old,

"I'll want a sandwich.

Don't give it to me."

When I cross the street,
I always look both ways.

To not do that
would be crazy.

But if I look both ways
any other time in life,

then that looks crazy.

If I get a slice of pizza
and I'm like...

"We got a sneaky pizza eater
in here, watch out."

Bring a girl home at the end
of a date, and I'm like,

"Well, I had
a really good time tonight."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

"Is this your baby?
Can I hold him?"

Just keep the eye
on the baby.

You can't do that.

I saw a girl the other day,

and on a scale of one to ten,
she was an eight.

And that wasn't good
because the scale

was how many toes
somebody has.

You want to be a ten
on that scale.

I went on vacation,
and I went snorkeling/

surprise-drinking a lot of water
through a giant straw.

The snorkel will keep you alive
or kill you way faster.

It's a very height-sensitive
lifeline right there.

I've seen a lot
of proud sponsors of things.

I'd like to see
a reluctant sponsor.

"Subaru, reluctant sponsor
of the WNBA."

I wish that they would just call
the news "what's wrong."

"Hi, it's 6:00.
Here's what's wrong."

Yeah.

"Now for the local news,
here's the worst shit

"that happened
the closest to you.

"Before
we go to commercial,

"is something wrong
in your house, stupid,

"that you don't know about?

Keep watching, dummy."

I wonder what
the long form of "OK" is.

What's "OK" short for?

Is it "okeydokey"?

That would be interesting.

There are
all these situations

that would sound
much more interesting.

"Are you...
okeydokey?"

"I'm okeydokey.
Thank you.

That was a close call."

The surgeon comes out.

"She's gonna be
okeydokey."

"Thank God, Doctor.

She's okeydokey,
you guys."

"Your behavior
in this office

is not okeydokey!"

You want to fight
somebody.

"Okeydokey,
let's do this."

"Okeydokey.
Okeydokey, easy."

I saw a dog
wearing a sweater,

and I thought
that looked ridiculous

'cause dogs
don't have arms.

If you're gonna
put clothes on a dog,

you should put
two pairs of pants on it.

See a dog with two pairs
of skinny jeans.

That Rottweiler
plays bass.

Cats have nine lives.

There's more than one way
to skin a cat.

Cats always land
on their feet.

I get it.
You want me to fuck with cats.

My friend
has catlike reflexes,

and it's not that
he's fast.

He just sometimes
randomly gets up

and runs
out of the room.

"What's up with Joey?"

"He's got
catlike reflexes, man.

"He just...

"If he rubs on your legs,
don't worry about that.

That's totally cool."

I'm allergic to cats,
but I don't usually say that.

It doesn't sound that tough,
you know?

So what I usually say
is that I'm allergic to lions.

"We have a cat.
Is that gonna be a problem?"

"You know, I don't know.
I'm allergic to lions.

"So maybe that includes
regular cats too.

"I don't know,
I've only really hung out

"with lions,
kind of--

"and I don't anymore
because of the sneezing, mostly.

"That's really
the only reason, so...

Probably not."

I've never seen bat shit,
but if I did,

I'd be like,
"That's crazy.

"That's some crazy excrement
right there.

"That looks like my
ex-girlfriend's personality.

That's crazy."

Hugs
are such a nice thing.

As human beings,
we get to hug each other.

That's such
a nice experience.

But it's so easy
to make it go wrong.

If you're hugging somebody
and you go,

"Mmm."

Or you could be hugging 'em
and just go--

That hug is over.

If I want to get out of a hug,
I don't do the pat,

I just go, "beep." They're like,
"Okay, I'll see you, uh...

Never. All right,
I'll see you never."

That's--
That's no good.

I was on the train, this lady
said to me, "What's the time?"

I said, "Oh, it's...

the system we use to keep track
of everything," I was just--

"You're blowing my mind here,
lady.

I don't know.
I'm just trying to get home."

I think a tree house
is really insensitive.

That's like
killing something

and then making
one of its friends hold it.

I like silent letters.

When I see a silent letter
in a word,

I try to picture
what happened.

Just a bunch of letters
hanging out, and they're like,

"Oh, we gotta go
spell this word."

and there's one letter there
that's like,

"Psst. Hey.

I'm gonna come
with you guys."

"What?

That's ridiculous.
You're a 'G.'"

"I won't say anything."

"I don't know,
what do you guys think?"

"Come on,
we'll mess with foreigners.

Like the word, 'foreigners,'
that's me in the middle."

"All right."

"Damn right, 'all right,'
that's me again."

Eating some candy,
I looked on the wrapper,

and it said, "Made with natural
and artificial flavors."

You could just say
"flavors."

You've covered
all permutations

in the natural world.

My friend uses air quotes a lot
when she's talking...

which is fine,

except when I want
to tell somebody what she said,

and then it's--
it's kind of awkward, you know?

"Yeah, Becky said the movie
was 'good.'"

I got some cargo pants
'cause I had all this tiny cargo

that I needed to transport
on my thighs."

[chuckles]

It's like, "How am I gonna move
all this freight

"without using my hands?

"Cargo pants, that's perfect.
That's perfect.

"It's kinda hot out though.
Cargo shorts, yes!

I want to go swimming,
you got a cargo Speedo?"

[laughs]

That's a bad idea.

Clothing sizes are weird;
they go small, medium, large,

and then extra-large,
extra-extra-large,

extra-extra-extra-large.

Something happened
at "large."

They just gave up.
They were like,

"I'm not doing
any more adjectives.

You just keep putting
'extras' on there."

We could do better
than that.

Small, medium, large...

whoa.

Easy.

Slow down.

Stop it.

Interesting.

American.

I don't like
when I go to a clothing store

and I pick out some clothes,
then I go to the dressing room,

and then they come, and they
bother me when I'm in there.

"How's it working out
for you in there?

You all right in there?"

When they're like,
"How you doing in there?"

I go, "Uh...

"Not too good.

"I think
I'm gonna kill myself.

Could you get me a belt,
please?"

"You all right in there?"
"Yeah, I'm naked.

Just popping some zits.
You want to hop in?"

Just leave me alone.

"How's it going in there
for you?"

"Ah, it's all right. I couldn't
find the toilet, so I just went.

"You gotta finish
these bathroom stalls, man.

Also, could you get me
a few t-shirts?"

My friend has hand soap
that smells like coconut.

It's nice.

Unless your hands are dirty
from coconuts.

Then it's the worst soap
possible.

[sniffs] "I can't tell if I made
any progress in this situation.

This is how I started out.
This sucks."

[sniffs] You see somebody
smelling their hand,

there's never a good story
behind that.

Just looks bad. If you try
to make it look positive,

it just looks worse.
If you're like...

"Let's talk to that guy."

I don't like automatic
paper towel dispensers

because they don't tell you
when they're not working.

So I just end up
in the bathroom,

looking like a shitty magician
for a few minutes.

"What do I have to do
to get a piece of paper?"

An automatic
paper towel dispenser

is a solution to something
that was never a problem.

"Hey, you know how people get a
paper towel when they need one?"

"Yeah, they just take their hand
and pull it down,

and they have it."

"Yeah,
we're gonna change that."

"What are you gonna do?"

"We're gonna use lasers
and make it complicated."

"That seems
kind of unnecessary."

"Yeah, very. That's the idea.
We're gonna--"

"You got
a lot of work to do."

"Yeah, 'cause we're also
working on the sinks too."

"Oh, yeah?
What are you gonna do?

You gonna fix, like,
the hot and cold handles?"

"No, we're gonna
get rid of those."

"But then they won't be able to
adjust the water temperature."

"Fuck 'em."

Wow.

"We're gonna finish up
with the toilets."

"Oh, yeah,
what are you doing there?"

"You know when someone's
sitting on the toilet,

and they move, like,
a millimeter?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah,
we were thinking of having

a roaring rapid explode
under their ass that way."

"Why would you do that?"

"We're gonna scare
the shit out of 'em, literally."

Thanks, Jeff.

All right.

If I just did, like,
four back handsprings

and just f--

"Finally, some talent."

I like to write
in coffee shops a lot.

Coffee shops are great
because you can sit there

and do people-watching
and just write your ideas down

in your notebook
or whatever.

Sometimes I'll be sitting there
at a table,

and there'll be, like,
a lady at the table next to me,

and then she'll be like,
"Um, excuse me,

"um, can you watch my stuff
for a minute?

I have to go
to the bathroom."

And I'll go, "Sure...

But I want it."

"What?"

"Your laptop is a newer model
than the one I have.

"So when you get up,
I'm gonna take it.

"Like,
as soon as you get up.

"I'm just kidding. Go ahead,
I'll watch your stuff,

that's fine."

One thing I like
about coffee shops

is that they have
bulletin boards,

and people can put up flyers
on the bulletin boards,

so I started making
my own flyers,

so I could just put one
or two of 'em up on the way out.

So I wanted to show you
some of the flyers.

For example, "Learn to play
guitar and/or with my balls.'

"Not missing:
dog, brown with spots.

Energetic, playful,
everything's fine. Thanks!"

"Tuter for avelible.

Call pleze."

"For sale: one thesaurus,
like new, or fresh,

"novel, unspoiled, recent,
unused, green, modish, youthful,

contemporary, now, au courant,
spic-and-span."

"So you want to learn
how to play saxophone?

"I can stop you!

Call immediately."

"Free time machine!
Call me two weeks ago."

"Babysitter. Available.
Experienced. Cheap. Young.

Good at keeping secrets."

This is good
for a music store.

"Lead singer wanted.

"Also, guitarist wanted,
drummer wanted,

"bass player wanted...
whole band wanted.

Have tambourine."

And then nearby,
you can put up...

"Tambourine lessons.

"Expert tambourine player
will teach you to play

"like a virtuoso.

"Experienced, trained,
soon-to-be leader

of successful
tambourine-based band."

People are like,
"There's a new tambourine player

in Williamsburg,
and he's not wasting time."

"Spacious, clean,
cheap apartment available...

Never.
Good luck, dipshit."

"Man with van
(and fetish)."

For a restaurant,
maybe...

"Missing: one rat,
left here yesterday."

"Learn photography,
then teach me.

Please, don't be a prick.
Just do it."

"Free
tiny strips of paper."

You can put this next to
any flyer that's there already.

"That flyer is bullshit.

Call me,
I will explain."

"Found: one cat,
looks delicious.

Call by Friday.
After that, never mind."

"I can see you right now.

Call this number to prevent me
from getting you."

They're all ripped off.

"Excuse me, there's no numbers!
Please don't get me!"

Finally, "Help!

"A wizard turned me
into this piece of paper.

"Please lick me twice
to break the spell.

Hurry, do it!"

Thanks, guys.

Appreciate that.
Thank you.

Yeah.

When you're a kid, skipping
is a perfectly acceptable way

to get around.

But then you
get to a certain age,

and it has to stop.

You're not allowed
to skip anymore.

It stops cold turkey,

and that's a shame
because there are situations

where that's a good speed.

It's not running,
it's not walking.

You're not jogging,
which is tiring,

but it doesn't matter
how perfect

the situation would be for it,
it's not allowed, you know?

"Are you okay?
I'm gonna get help."

"Did that asshole
just skip away?

We got a sick man here,
you can't go playing games."

"Sir, you dropped your hat.
Sir!"

"Keep it."

When I trip, I feel like
that's just the world saying,

"Come here for a sec."

I'm on the ground, I'm like,
"What do you want?"

"I just wanted to remind you
that you're a dork."

"Yeah, I know.
Can I go now?"

"Yeah, just remember,
never try to outrun me.

I will only make it worse
for you."

"Okay, thanks."

"I'll see you
in about 50 years."

[mixed crowd reaction]

[laughs]

People do not like
inevitability, man.

When it's windy out, I feel like
the world's just being mean.

I'll just be walking,
and the world's like,

"Hey, you like air?
Yeah?

"Yeah?
You need that to breathe?

"There's some fuckin' air
right in your face.

There you go."

"Whoa! Too much air.
Come on, man."

"What's that?
You need water to survive?

"How 'bout
I pound it on your head, stupid?

Drink up, dummy."
[chuckles]

You can't drink rain.
That just looks crazy.

You can't be like...

Takes too long.

When I look at the clouds,
I see so many animals,

mostly sheep who have
lost their limbs and heads.

When someone describes
themselves as a taxpayer,

they're about to be
an asshole.

Yeah.

I don't know why,
when someone has great abs,

that's really attractive.

I know that it looks good,

but I don't understand
biologically why that is.

Like, what is it communicating,
you know?

Like, you see a guy
with great abs, you're like,

"Whoa, that guy could shit
really fast."

Wow.
[grunts]

It's hard to know
what's gay in life, like...

Boxing? That's two guys
fighting over a belt.

That seems pretty gay to me--
in their underwear.

People always tell you
when they've had it up to here.

They never tell you
any earlier.

"Hey, I've had it up to here.
I just want you to know.

We're cool.
We're about halfway, so--"

It'd be weird
if they were like,

"You know,
I've had it up to here."

"So what are you
complaining about?"

"I'm not, I'm just saying that,
you know,

"I have my whole body to go,
but I've started to have it.

But luckily, I'm tall,
so can have it for a while."

The closer a person's tattoos
are to their body holes,

the crazier
the person is.

If you want to walk to fight
cancer or something like that,

you have to do it on a set day,
you know, all in a row.

You gotta do it
all at once.

It's really cool,
but it's kind of a bummer

that you have
to designate the time.

I wish there was an option where
you could walk to fight cancer,

but distribute it
through you're regular life.

Be like, "Yo,
I'm gonna go get a soda,

but I hate cancer,
and that's what this is about.

"Man, Demetri walked around
his apartment a lot today.

That guy
is fighting cancer."

I like the term "color scheme"
'cause that sounds so sneaky.

"All right, we're gonna
improve the look of this room,

"and here's how
we're gonna do it.

"Blue, beige,
brown, taupe--

"Someone's coming,
be cool.

"What's that? How you doing?
No, don't worry

about these paint chips here.
We weren't doing anything."

When I walk into a spider web,
I just feel like,

"Thank God I'm big.

"This could've been it
for me.

This thing's
trying to kill me right now."

Sometimes
I'll tease the spider.

I'll just be walking,
and I'll be like,

"Oh. Uh-oh, I'm stuck.
I can't move. I can't move!"

The spider's like,

"I'm set for life.
I'm set for life."

Then I'm like,
"The hell you are.

I'm gonna swing you by your
ass/house. There you go."

Birds are one of
the only other creatures

who make their own house,

and they're one of the only ones
we make houses for.

That is arrogant.

"What's that? That's your house?
Nice try.

"Those are some twigs.
I mean, that's a--

"That's a shitty patio,
at best. Come on, bird.

"The house.
You kidding me?

"Tell you what,
I'll give you a house.

"It's like a little human house.
There you go.

"Little pointy roof.

"I know you can fly, but we're
gonna put a roof over your head.

"That's right.

Little hole you can try
to crawl in and out of."

The birds are in there,
they're like,

"We look ridiculous.

"The animals think we're trying
to be people. This is ridic--"

"Shut up, Louis. We got
a free house. Just enjoy it."

I want to see a snake
eat spaghetti.

That would be perfect.

If I were a picture frame model,
I think I would do a better job

than the ones I've seen.

'Cause picture frame models,
it's not about you.

It's about the frame,

and I would pose in a way
that highlights that.

I would be like...

"Check out this rectangle.

Pretty good rectangle around me.
You should buy it."

Volleyball's
a weird-looking sport.

That just looks like
two groups of people

who both
do not want a volleyball.

"You guys take it.
We don't want this."

"We don't want it.
We don't want it. You take it."

They should make it look
like something you don't want,

like a human head.

Volleyhead.
Yeah.

I can tell how lonely I am
by how easily I'm fooled

by a mannequin
in a store.

"Don't look now,
but there's a really tall woman

with excellent posture and very
current style checking you out.

She's got no head.
Never mind."

Mannequins look
too cocky.

You know? 'Cause I get it,
you have a perfect body,

but do you have to be
such a prick about it?

They should have
self-conscious mannequins.

Something that
you can relate to, you know?

You walk by a store window, and
there's just mannequins there

that are kind of like...

"Do I look stupid in this?

"I didn't pick this,
and I have no genitals,

so I don't even know
what's going on."

I was driving on the highway,
and I saw a sign that said,

"Live nude girls,"
and I was thinking,

"You probably
don't need the 'live.'"

I wasn't even thinking
about the girls' mortality

until you brought it up.

"Dead nude girls."

"Pull over, man.
I'm feeling kind of curious."

"Injured nude girls."
"Ooh.

"That's perfect.

"They're still alive,
but they can't get away.

Let's go there."

Just a girl in a wheelchair.
[laughs]

She's got an IV bag and stuff.
Oh.

"Now on the ICU stage,
Amber."

I was eating some pizza, and
I burnt the roof of my mouth,

and then I thought,
"Wait a minute,

"this is the ceiling
of my mouth.

"The roof of my mouth
is up here.

My head architecture
is all messed up..."

Thought
the attic of my mouth.

I wish my smoke detector
had a fajita setting on it.

So when I'm cooking,
it's like,

"Boop, boop--[sniffs]
Oh, hold up, these are fajitas.

"Let's not
be an asshole here.

"This is totally fine.

"Let's not make him get up
on a stool with a magazine

in front of this girl
he's trying to cook for."

Why is it that people
who can eat really spicy food

think that the rest of us
give a shit?

I can eat really doughy food,
but I don't brag about it

when we sit down
for dinner.

"Yo, can you eat doughy food?
'Cause I can eat the doughiest--

I can the whitest white bread.
You have no idea how chewy--"

One thing I learned is that
it's never okay

to walk through a cemetery
dressed as a mummy,

even if that was just,
like, a shortcut

on the way
to the costume party.

That is never appreciated.

Man, mummies aren't that scary
as monsters.

You know what I mean?
Like, a werewolf will eat you.

That's terrifying.

Frankenstein
will beat the shit out of you.

I mean, he's big.

Dracula's
gonna suck your blood,

But what the hell's
a mu--

a mummy's just someone who was
well-preserved after they died.

That's probably someone
people liked and respected.

I mean, why did they
preserve 'em, you know?

I'm not gonna run
from the mummy,

I want to know who he was.
Who--What were your interests?

Also, we're out of napkins.
Can we just use you?

I've done this weird thing
where, like,

I'm kissing a girl
and my eyes are closed,

but then for some reason,
halfway through the kiss,

I'm like...

and then she opens her eyes,
and I'm like...

"Maybe she didn't see me."

What is your excuse
in that situation?

"What were you doing?"

"I was protecting us."

All right, cool.
Let's do the next thing.

This'll be it.
All right.

[cheers and applause]

All right.
Thanks, guys.

I'm so grateful that you guys
came out and everything.

[strumming guitar
and playing harmonica]

*

Cool. I think that's in tune
enough for comedy.

[guitar playing]

When I have a baby,

I want to put anti-aging cream
on it right away.

*

People would be like,
"Your baby looks amazing.

Is that a fetus?"

I'll say,
"No, it's the cream.

We're getting a start
really early."

"Well, it's working. He doesn't
look a day over zero."

"Thank you."

*

I think telemarketer
would be a hard job.

You can't call out sick.

"Hey, it's me.
I can't work today."

"Well, you called me."

"Shit."

*

I saw rice milk
in the store.

I didn't even know
rice had nipples.

*

Squeeze
those little rice titties.

* Rice titties

* Rice titties

I never went
bungee jumping.

The closest I did
was I was born.

[harmonica playing]

*

I wonder if it's rude
for a deaf person

to talk with food
in their hands.

*

"Dude, put down
that cheeseburger.

That's disgusting."

*

I think it's cool
when an ex-girlfriend

becomes
and XL-girlfriend.

[harmonica playing]

*

They probably
don't get a lot of work done

at the bubble wrap factory.

*

"Separate but equal"
is terrible for education,

but it's perfect
for eyebrows.

*

I know a girl who's a tease, but
she's not cute enough for that.

So she's an "annoy."

At the battle of the bands,
the loser's always the audience.

[harmonica playing]

*

I lost my fog machine

'cause I left it running
for too long.

*

I don't know how fog
got associated with partying.

*

"This weather is
way too dangerous to drive in.

You guys want to dance?"

*

I can move objects with my mind
if I use my hands.

*

I want to fill a piñata
with actual animal guts.

That's what I call
a surprise party, kids.

[harmonica playing]

*

I said to my friend,
"Hey,

can I ask you
a trick question?"

He said, "No."
I said, "Too late, bitch."

*

I've met people
who are passive-aggressive,

but I never met anyone
who was aggressive-passive.

"I don't want tacos!
Maybe."

[harmonica playing]

*

Most stick people
are black.

*

When I was in high school,
these twins got mono.

They got stereo.

*

I'm a man of my word,
and that word is "unreliable."

*

When I take photos,
I count to five.

'Cause that's when people
start getting real.

At one, they're like,
"I'm gonna be in a photo.

I got a face idea.
Okay, here it comes."

At two, "here it is."
At three...

At four,
"What's going on?"

At five, "What the fu--?"
Snap.

[harmonica playing]
[cheers and applause]

*

I was walking down the street,
and I saw an ugly pregnant lady.

I just thought,

"Good for you."

*

Sometimes I feel like I'm making
a connection with a stranger,

but then it turns out
I'm not.

Like, I was in a mall, and I
saw this lady hitting her kid.

So I went up to her,
and I was like, "Yeah, get him!"

*

She got all mad at me.
I was like,

"I'm on your side here."

*

Sometimes if I really
want to get someone's attention,

I'll start a sentence
with something like,

"I'm not racist, but..."

I say, "I'm not racist,
but you look great today."

They say, "That wasn't racist
at all."

I said, "I know.
I said I'm not racist.

"You never listen.

Typical Mexican."

[playing harmonica]
[cheers and applause]

*

I'm just joking. I don't think
Mexicans are bad listeners.

I think Mexicans
are good listeners.

But not all Mexicans 'cause that
would also be racist.

I think
the right number of Mexicans

listen
the exact right amount.

*

It must suck
to have just one arm...

Until you get arrested.

*

"What's that? You're gonna put
an uncomfortable bracelet on me?

"I don't care.
I'll just swing it around.

Thanks for the weapon,
cop."

*

Thanks so much
for coming to see me. That's it.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[acoustic guitar music]
[cheers and applause]

*