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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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NARRATOR: Kids, when Aunt Lilywent into labor,
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00:00:04,032 --> 00:00:06,589
Marshall was somewhereslightly inconvenient,
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00:00:06,592 --> 00:00:09,260
in Atlantic Citywith Uncle Barney,
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and drunk to the point oftalking like Yoda.
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Baby come...
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Papa gonna be am I...
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Hospital must we get now...
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Okay, there's like a four-hour
wait at the valet stand.
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Plus, we're in no shape to
drive. So, a car's out...
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Wait, don't worry. We'll take
a cab to the train station.
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MAN: Yeah, good luck
getting a cab.
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It's impossible because
of the big thing.
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NARRATOR: Kids, for the life ofme, I can't remember
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what the big thing was inAtlantic City that weekend.
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SON: Was ita cheerleading convention?
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NARRATOR: No, it wasa porn convention.
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Sci-fi convention?
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Eh, I can't remember.
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We're stuck in Atlantic City!
City of Atlantic stuck in are we.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x23 ♪
The Magician's Code
Original Air Date on May 13, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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Okay, Lily,
it's going to be fine.
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00:01:08,786 --> 00:01:12,121
We are not freaking out.
We are not freaking out!
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I feel calmer already.
Let's get you to the hospital.
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Oh, I can't go yet.
I talked to Dr. Sonya.
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They won't admit me
until my contractions
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are four minutes apart.
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Okay, well, if you
don't make it in time,
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I have got you covered. When I
was 13, my father caught me
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kissing a boy, so he sent me
to our family's ranch
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for foaling season.
Once you see a baby horse
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erupt through that birth canal,
you stop even touching yourself.
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00:01:32,294 --> 00:01:35,078
Anyway, I had skinny arms,
so I got up there elbow deep.
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I lost this watch
birthing Blacky...
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Okay, stop it. I am not
a farm animal. (mooing)
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Oh, there we go.
Easy girl. Sugar cube? (moaning)
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Oh, okay.
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Ah, don't worry, Lil.
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Some of us know what
a woman actually needs
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at a time like this.
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(panting) A kick-ass
labor announcement e-mail.
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and their best friend,
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embark on anincredible journey.
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Lily's cervix is dilating,and we want you all
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to be part of itsgrand opening.
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You are not sending that
to anyone, ever.
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00:02:10,249 --> 00:02:14,218
So what I need right now is
distraction from the pain.
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Just tell me a story.
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Uh, what story?
I don't care. Anything.
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How about the worst
cab ride ever?
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HOMELESS GUY:
Clean your window for you? - No!
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Hey, get off my cab!
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(grunting)
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(blows landing)
Oh! Oh, God!
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(loud thud)
Oh! Ah!
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(Ted and Robin gasping)
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(both screaming)
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(screaming)
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We are not panicking!
We are not panicking!
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Get on all fours;
it widens your hind quarters.
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Stop it! I am not
a farm animal!
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But give me that sugar cube.
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Okay, listen, I am going to
get you to that hospital
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or die trying.
And if I succeed,
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I ask only one thing in return.
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Let me choose
your child's middle name.
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Because I have thought up the
most awesome name of all time.
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What's the middle name?
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Wait for it...
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I'm waiting.
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Wait for it...
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I said I'm waiting.
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Wait for it.
What's the middle name?
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No, the middle name is
"Wait For It."
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Let's say his first name is,
oh, I don't know, Barney.
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He'd be Barney
"Wait For It" Eriksen.
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How awesome is that?
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That is...
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the coolest...
middle name of all time.
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I know!
Okay, listen.
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I have a plan
to get us to New York.
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00:03:30,830 --> 00:03:33,831
All we have to do is get our
hands on that motorcycle.
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And I know just the way
to do it.
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(both sigh)
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(phone rings)
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Here.
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Oh. Hi, Judy.
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00:03:49,181 --> 00:03:53,267
Oh, good.
You got the e-mail from Ted.
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00:03:53,269 --> 00:03:56,770
No, I am not worried my
city hips are too narrow,
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and-and your grandson's
going to get stuck.
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I got to go.
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I thought you deleted
that stupid e-mail.
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Okay, I sent it by accident.
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She like it?
Yes!
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Just keep telling me stories!
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00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:13,921
Okay, okay, I got one for you:
second base with Neil Young.
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00:04:13,923 --> 00:04:15,839
Um, (chuckles)
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I don't normally go to, um,
second base and tell,
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but I just spent
a magical night with Neil Young.
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(whispers):
He's still in my room.
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Seriously?
Oh, my God.
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Be quiet, don't scare him off.
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(clears throat)
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He-Hey...
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Robin...
Yeah.
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00:04:39,397 --> 00:04:41,231
That's not Neil Young.
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Oh, God.
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(both laughing)
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Oh, we're busting apple bags?
I can bust apple bags.
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Ted, remember when we were
dating and we threw that party
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and one of those appetizers
just didn't sit right?
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Ah... doesn't sound familiar.
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I call this story "Ted and
the Cuban Sandwich Crisis."
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(toilet flushes)
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ROBIN: Ted came out of thatbathroom looking like
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00:05:05,599 --> 00:05:08,600
Joe Frazier afterthe Thrilla in Manila.
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Oh, what is that smell!?
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Ugh!
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So I, being a great girlfriend,
tried to help him out.
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You guys are all crazy;
I don't smell anything.
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00:05:24,702 --> 00:05:26,785
Anyway, uh, who wants to
go up on the roof?
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ROBIN: But then...
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She, who denied it, supplied it.
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Yeah, must have been that
Cuban sandwich, huh, babe?
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(both chuckle)
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That was not cool, Ted.
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Contraction!
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That wasn't cool, Ted?
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(grunting): Just keep going
with the stories.
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I don't even care
if I've heard it before.
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Just tell me, uh,
"Where Does That Door Go?"
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Okay.
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00:05:49,877 --> 00:05:53,662
Hey, I've never noticed
that door before.
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I wonder where it goes.
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Ted.
Ted.
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No, no, no, let him...
let him...
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Wow...
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00:06:16,469 --> 00:06:18,203
Don't...
No...
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00:06:18,205 --> 00:06:20,005
Robi....
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00:06:26,229 --> 00:06:28,897
Oh...
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00:06:28,899 --> 00:06:30,649
Wow...
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00:06:30,651 --> 00:06:31,883
(cell phone rings)
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Dad, oh, good.
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00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,554
Let me guess,
you got Ted's e-mail.
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I'm on my way, Princess.
Dad, wait, no, not...
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00:06:38,892 --> 00:06:40,075
Damn it, Ted.
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00:06:40,077 --> 00:06:44,279
I was okay with you e-mailing
my aunt, my cousins,
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00:06:44,281 --> 00:06:46,915
and your cousins, and the guy
that Robin thought was Neil Young.
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00:06:46,917 --> 00:06:50,869
But my father is the absolute
worst person to have around
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in any sort of
medical situation.
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LILY:
When I was seven, I needed
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00:06:55,075 --> 00:06:56,391
to have my tonsils out.
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Daddy, I'm scared.
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00:06:58,345 --> 00:07:02,181
Aw, Princess, I would be too.
I've researched this surgery.
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00:07:02,183 --> 00:07:05,350
Anything can happen.
You could bleed to death...
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00:07:05,352 --> 00:07:07,936
...you could have your jaw
removed due to infection,
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00:07:07,938 --> 00:07:10,922
and the anesthesia could
suddenly just stop working,
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much like your mom's
and my marriage.
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(laughing)
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You do know that we're
getting a divor...
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00:07:18,932 --> 00:07:21,783
Don't worry about it. We'll talk
about it after the surgery.
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00:07:21,785 --> 00:07:24,102
Calm down, girl.
(panting)
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Okay, for the last time,
I am not...
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Actually, keep going.
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00:07:29,543 --> 00:07:32,578
Okay, I admit the whole "win a
motorcycle plan" was stupid.
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Especially because we've been
playing on the wrong machine.
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BARNEY: New plan:
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Meet me at the entrance
in five minutes.
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(engine revs)
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Hop on, Marshall.
Tonight, we ride!
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You won that?
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00:07:52,066 --> 00:07:54,933
Not exactly. You see, I...
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00:07:54,935 --> 00:07:56,318
Get off!
(grunting)
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00:08:00,732 --> 00:08:03,534
I hope Marshall's close.
Cube me.
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00:08:05,677 --> 00:08:07,678
I'm on my way, Lily Pad.
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00:08:10,098 --> 00:08:11,464
NARRATOR:
Kids, your Uncle Marshall
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00:08:11,466 --> 00:08:13,734
has faced many challengesin his life.
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00:08:13,736 --> 00:08:15,736
But he still considersgetting up these two steps
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00:08:15,738 --> 00:08:18,488
when he was this drunk to bethe hardest one of all.
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00:08:34,589 --> 00:08:36,456
Tell me a Marshall story.
I miss him.
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00:08:36,458 --> 00:08:40,544
Got it.
"The Tale of the Cursed Pants."
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00:08:40,546 --> 00:08:43,547
Hey, guys. (chuckles)
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00:08:43,549 --> 00:08:46,383
So, I'm starting worry
about these pants.
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00:08:46,385 --> 00:08:47,434
Starting to?
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00:08:47,436 --> 00:08:49,302
No, ever since I got them,
terrible things
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00:08:49,304 --> 00:08:51,221
have been happening to me:
I stubbed my toe,
189
00:08:51,223 --> 00:08:53,506
I missed my train...
You put on the pants.
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00:08:53,508 --> 00:08:56,509
(all chuckle) And then the lady at the thrift
store said that for years,
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00:08:56,511 --> 00:08:58,194
no one so much as tried them on.
Can you believe that?
192
00:08:58,219 --> 00:08:59,814
Yes.
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00:08:59,815 --> 00:09:01,481
You know what this means?
194
00:09:01,483 --> 00:09:04,801
These pants are cursed.
195
00:09:06,654 --> 00:09:08,688
What's this in the pocket?
196
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,293
A clue.
197
00:09:13,295 --> 00:09:15,712
TED: Marshall hadthe writing translated.
198
00:09:15,714 --> 00:09:18,965
It led him deepinto the heart of Chinatown.
199
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,445
(gasps) It is you.
200
00:09:31,447 --> 00:09:33,930
The One has arrived.
201
00:09:41,272 --> 00:09:43,840
Dry cleaning, $21.50.
202
00:09:43,842 --> 00:09:46,493
I remember that suit.
He looked like
203
00:09:46,495 --> 00:09:49,329
a little kid's imaginary friend.
(chuckles)
204
00:09:49,331 --> 00:09:51,231
Where is he?!
205
00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:53,316
NARRATOR: Now, Uncle Marshallknew he had only one chance
206
00:09:53,318 --> 00:09:55,068
of getting outof Atlantic City:
207
00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:57,370
bribing a cab driver.
208
00:09:57,372 --> 00:09:59,422
Machine that gives money!
209
00:10:02,376 --> 00:10:04,044
(chuckles)
210
00:10:05,296 --> 00:10:07,047
NARRATOR: Now, Marshallwas pretty drunk,
211
00:10:07,049 --> 00:10:09,950
but he swears the ATMstarted to do this.
212
00:10:13,521 --> 00:10:15,722
(video game sound effect)
213
00:10:16,924 --> 00:10:18,692
(beeps)
214
00:10:21,762 --> 00:10:23,613
(laughing)
215
00:10:27,401 --> 00:10:29,602
AUTOMATED VOICE: Stop
hitting me. Just for that,
216
00:10:29,604 --> 00:10:32,322
you're never getting home
for the birth of your son.
217
00:10:32,324 --> 00:10:34,791
(shredding sounds)
218
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:45,418
No!!
219
00:10:45,420 --> 00:10:47,053
What's up, bro?
220
00:10:47,055 --> 00:10:49,789
Wait, how did you...
with the security?
221
00:10:49,791 --> 00:10:51,124
I'll explain.
222
00:10:51,126 --> 00:10:53,510
(grunts)
223
00:10:53,512 --> 00:10:56,479
Tell me why we shouldn't
call the authorities...
224
00:10:56,481 --> 00:10:59,566
right now?
Go ahead, call 'em.
225
00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:02,802
But first, can you show me
the rule that says you can't
226
00:11:02,804 --> 00:11:05,488
drive a motorcycle
on the casino floor?
227
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,757
(chuckles)
228
00:11:08,993 --> 00:11:10,660
It's not in here.
229
00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:17,117
NARRATOR: And, kids, that signis still there to this day.
230
00:11:18,202 --> 00:11:20,036
When I came out,
I ran into this guy.
231
00:11:20,038 --> 00:11:21,621
Two seats just opened up
232
00:11:21,623 --> 00:11:24,657
on his bus to New York!
233
00:11:24,659 --> 00:11:27,294
Barney, you're a genius!
234
00:11:27,296 --> 00:11:28,762
Plus, here's the best part.
235
00:11:28,764 --> 00:11:31,181
This Quinn thing is probably
done, so I'm basically single.
236
00:11:31,183 --> 00:11:34,885
He said the bus is full of
hot college seniors.
237
00:11:34,887 --> 00:11:37,854
Okay, maybe he didn't
say "college."
238
00:11:37,856 --> 00:11:39,472
Or "hot."
239
00:11:39,474 --> 00:11:41,892
I miss Quinn.
240
00:11:41,894 --> 00:11:42,893
(groans)
241
00:11:42,895 --> 00:11:44,311
What is taking Marshall so long?
242
00:11:44,313 --> 00:11:45,145
Salt lick?
243
00:11:45,147 --> 00:11:47,430
Just finish the door story!
244
00:12:00,544 --> 00:12:03,213
Oh, wow.
245
00:12:05,249 --> 00:12:08,084
I don't like this.
246
00:12:08,086 --> 00:12:10,220
(groaning) Okay, okay, that's
four minutes!
247
00:12:10,222 --> 00:12:11,421
We're going to
the hospital.
248
00:12:11,423 --> 00:12:12,889
W-Wait, but Marshall's
not here yet.
249
00:12:12,891 --> 00:12:14,925
I can't go to the hospital
without Marshall!
250
00:12:14,927 --> 00:12:16,309
I'm on it.
Lily, spread your legs.
251
00:12:16,311 --> 00:12:18,011
I'm gonna see if we can
see the hooves--
252
00:12:18,013 --> 00:12:19,646
uh, the-the snout--
uh, the head.
253
00:12:19,648 --> 00:12:21,431
Here we go.
Take me to the hospital now.
254
00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:23,266
Okay. Come
on, come on.
255
00:12:23,268 --> 00:12:24,384
Excuse me, sir.
256
00:12:24,386 --> 00:12:26,403
My wife is in labor,
and I really need to
257
00:12:26,405 --> 00:12:27,570
get to Saint Marcus Hospital.
258
00:12:27,572 --> 00:12:30,440
So where exactly in New York
does this bus drop off?
259
00:12:30,442 --> 00:12:31,925
Buffalo.
260
00:12:37,097 --> 00:12:39,073
What do you mean
I can't have an epidural?
261
00:12:39,098 --> 00:12:40,645
You're too far along.
262
00:12:40,745 --> 00:12:43,412
Things are moving much faster
than expected.
263
00:12:45,082 --> 00:12:47,416
Look, if your hands
are tied medically,
264
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,969
just leave the epidural
on the table and walk away.
265
00:12:49,971 --> 00:12:51,504
Don't worry.
266
00:12:51,506 --> 00:12:53,673
The baby slide right out, huh?
267
00:12:53,675 --> 00:12:55,258
It's like a whoosh.
(chuckles)
268
00:12:55,260 --> 00:12:56,642
Like a waterslide.
269
00:12:56,644 --> 00:12:58,794
(screaming)
270
00:12:58,796 --> 00:13:00,813
Slightly painful
waterslide.
271
00:13:00,815 --> 00:13:02,098
(sobbing)
272
00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:03,849
Tell me a story now!
273
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:04,967
Uh...
Uh...
274
00:13:04,969 --> 00:13:06,102
Oh! Remember the time Barney
275
00:13:06,104 --> 00:13:07,658
tried to pick up girls
as the Terminator?
276
00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:09,683
Yes.
277
00:13:13,110 --> 00:13:15,361
♪ ♪
278
00:13:22,703 --> 00:13:26,005
(à la Schwarzenegger): Come
with me if you want to bang.
279
00:13:27,341 --> 00:13:28,841
Another.
280
00:13:28,843 --> 00:13:31,610
Oh, uh, Ted and the
freakishly long arm hair!
281
00:13:31,612 --> 00:13:33,095
No, I disagree,
because the filling--
282
00:13:33,097 --> 00:13:35,631
It depends on
what you're eating, right?
283
00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:36,498
If it's...
284
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,434
Whoa. What the...?
285
00:13:38,436 --> 00:13:40,519
ROBIN and MARSHALL:
Whoa.
286
00:13:40,521 --> 00:13:43,856
(groaning) The debunking of the
freakishly long arm hair.
287
00:13:43,858 --> 00:13:47,343
Wait, it's-it's
just a thread.
288
00:13:48,362 --> 00:13:49,779
I was jealous, okay?
289
00:13:49,781 --> 00:13:51,364
Barney's getting all
the attention today
290
00:13:51,366 --> 00:13:53,482
with this
Terminator thing.
291
00:13:53,484 --> 00:13:56,068
Huh. Can't believe I'm not
getting laid in this thing.
292
00:13:56,070 --> 00:14:00,072
Maybe I need to pick
a different part of the movie.
293
00:14:00,074 --> 00:14:02,208
♪ ♪
294
00:14:04,745 --> 00:14:07,797
(high-pitched screaming)
295
00:14:07,799 --> 00:14:09,465
Tell me another story!
296
00:14:09,467 --> 00:14:11,684
Oh, hey, we never finished
"Where does that door go""
297
00:14:11,686 --> 00:14:13,052
Come on.
298
00:14:13,054 --> 00:14:14,537
Let's check it out.
299
00:14:14,539 --> 00:14:16,055
You know what, baby,
they're gone.
300
00:14:16,057 --> 00:14:19,358
It's time for us
to move on.
301
00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:23,179
L-Lil...
302
00:14:27,884 --> 00:14:30,403
Oh, my God.
303
00:14:31,221 --> 00:14:32,221
(screaming)
304
00:14:32,223 --> 00:14:33,572
New story!
305
00:14:33,574 --> 00:14:34,907
Uh, the time we tested
306
00:14:34,909 --> 00:14:36,471
if banana peels are
really slippery.
307
00:14:36,496 --> 00:14:37,210
Yes.
308
00:14:37,211 --> 00:14:38,527
Ready?
309
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:41,864
There's no way
that's really slippery.
310
00:14:41,866 --> 00:14:44,033
(grunts)
311
00:14:44,035 --> 00:14:45,368
Ow! Ow! Ow!
312
00:14:45,370 --> 00:14:47,787
Uh, the Halloween we decided
to go as The Breakfast Club,
313
00:14:47,789 --> 00:14:50,005
but failed to coordinate
our costumes!
314
00:14:50,007 --> 00:14:51,006
Uh...
Does...
315
00:14:51,008 --> 00:14:52,675
Oh.
(groans)
316
00:14:52,677 --> 00:14:54,126
(sighs)
317
00:14:54,128 --> 00:14:56,045
Really?
I mean, you live with me, Lily.
318
00:14:56,047 --> 00:14:57,079
Yeah, that was funny.
319
00:14:57,081 --> 00:14:58,080
Keep going!
320
00:14:58,082 --> 00:14:59,465
Oh, uh, uh...
321
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:01,801
the-the time Barney
saved a woman's life.
322
00:15:01,803 --> 00:15:03,085
Ready?
323
00:15:03,087 --> 00:15:06,255
There's no way
that's really slippery.
324
00:15:06,257 --> 00:15:07,406
(grunts)
325
00:15:09,443 --> 00:15:10,476
(screaming)
326
00:15:10,478 --> 00:15:12,211
Uh, the time Lily
went into labor!
327
00:15:12,213 --> 00:15:13,446
That's now!
328
00:15:13,448 --> 00:15:14,647
Sorry, I'm running
out of stories.
329
00:15:14,649 --> 00:15:15,648
Forget it!
330
00:15:15,650 --> 00:15:17,199
They're not working anymore!
331
00:15:17,201 --> 00:15:18,984
Okay, Lily, I know this
isn't how you imagined it,
332
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,152
but I want
you to know
333
00:15:20,154 --> 00:15:22,788
that I am here for you
and I am rock solid!
334
00:15:22,790 --> 00:15:24,824
Oh, I can see its head.
335
00:15:26,626 --> 00:15:28,294
Oh, thank God,
Dr. Sonya!
336
00:15:28,296 --> 00:15:29,278
You!
337
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,448
Get that thing
out of my delivery room!
338
00:15:32,450 --> 00:15:34,667
Weak women
disgust me.
339
00:15:34,669 --> 00:15:36,618
All right, Lily, legs up!
340
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:38,003
We push now, yes?!
341
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,839
I can't.
Marshall's not here yet.
342
00:15:39,841 --> 00:15:41,006
Lily!
343
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,809
If you don't push,
I will shove that baby
344
00:15:43,811 --> 00:15:46,679
up your throat
and pull it out of your mouth!
345
00:15:46,681 --> 00:15:47,897
(screaming)
346
00:15:47,899 --> 00:15:49,465
Where the hell is Marshall?!
347
00:15:49,467 --> 00:15:52,134
I can't do this
without Marshall!
348
00:15:52,136 --> 00:15:56,338
NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes the universesends exactly what you ask for.
349
00:15:56,340 --> 00:15:59,775
Other times,it sends Lily's dad.
350
00:15:59,777 --> 00:16:01,777
(groaning):
Oh...
351
00:16:01,779 --> 00:16:04,146
Remember the time
you had your tonsils out?
352
00:16:04,148 --> 00:16:05,647
Yeah, yeah.
353
00:16:05,649 --> 00:16:07,199
You scared the crap out of me.
354
00:16:07,201 --> 00:16:09,001
Yes, I did, didn't I?
355
00:16:09,003 --> 00:16:10,703
(laughs)
356
00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:11,954
Oh, my.
357
00:16:11,956 --> 00:16:14,440
But do you remember
what happened next?
358
00:16:14,442 --> 00:16:15,824
And don't worry,
Princess,
359
00:16:15,826 --> 00:16:18,043
if you permanently lose
the ability to speak,
360
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,512
we'll give you
a chalkboard.
361
00:16:19,514 --> 00:16:22,831
You can hang it around your
neck on a little string.
362
00:16:22,833 --> 00:16:26,218
Nurse, I don't know
who this strange man is.
363
00:16:26,220 --> 00:16:27,603
Security!
364
00:16:27,605 --> 00:16:29,605
What are you talking about?
I'm your daddy.
365
00:16:29,607 --> 00:16:30,556
What do you mean...
366
00:16:30,558 --> 00:16:31,824
Hey, fellas, come on!
367
00:16:31,826 --> 00:16:34,193
I woke up in a Dumpster
of medical waste,
368
00:16:34,195 --> 00:16:36,645
and I couldn't
have been prouder.
369
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:39,815
Because, much like
that Dumpster,
370
00:16:39,817 --> 00:16:42,201
you had a lot of guts.
371
00:16:42,203 --> 00:16:46,688
And you've used that bravery
every day of your life.
372
00:16:46,690 --> 00:16:49,241
With or without
Marshall.
373
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:52,044
You're having
this baby.
374
00:16:52,046 --> 00:16:53,862
Thanks, Dad.
375
00:16:53,864 --> 00:16:55,498
That story actually helped.
376
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:56,882
Oh, good, I'm glad.
377
00:16:56,884 --> 00:16:59,251
And, you know, few women have
vaginal tearing severe enough
378
00:16:59,253 --> 00:17:00,719
to need surgical
reconstruction...
379
00:17:00,721 --> 00:17:02,421
Security!
Oh, come on.
380
00:17:02,423 --> 00:17:03,556
That's not necessary.
381
00:17:03,558 --> 00:17:04,723
Sweetheart, please...
382
00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:06,425
Oh, fellas, come on.
383
00:17:06,427 --> 00:17:07,843
Please, sir,
all you have to do
384
00:17:07,845 --> 00:17:09,178
is take the next exit
to Manhattan.
385
00:17:09,180 --> 00:17:10,896
You'll be back
on the road in 20 minutes.
386
00:17:10,898 --> 00:17:11,931
I already told you,
387
00:17:11,933 --> 00:17:13,215
I'm not allowed to stop.
388
00:17:13,217 --> 00:17:17,219
Sir, this man is
having a baby tonight.
389
00:17:17,221 --> 00:17:19,822
And instead of going
to Saint Marcus Hospital,
390
00:17:19,824 --> 00:17:21,190
we're going to Buffalo.
391
00:17:21,192 --> 00:17:24,076
And I've seen women from there;
the city's aptly named.
392
00:17:25,579 --> 00:17:27,396
Look, I'm a screwup.
393
00:17:27,398 --> 00:17:29,415
I had something special
with this girl Quinn,
394
00:17:29,417 --> 00:17:30,533
and I ruined it.
395
00:17:30,535 --> 00:17:34,169
But this guy--
he's done everything right.
396
00:17:34,171 --> 00:17:36,956
He's been loving and devoted
since he was 18 years old.
397
00:17:36,958 --> 00:17:40,593
There are only a few truly great
people on this planet,
398
00:17:40,595 --> 00:17:42,094
and he is one of them.
399
00:17:42,096 --> 00:17:45,798
He deserves to be
at the birth of his son.
400
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,267
So... what do you say?
401
00:17:48,269 --> 00:17:51,520
Unless there's an emergency,
I'm not allowed to stop,
402
00:17:51,522 --> 00:17:55,691
so sit down, watch
Cocoon 2 and shut up.
403
00:18:00,263 --> 00:18:02,314
I'm sorry,
buddy, I tried.
404
00:18:02,316 --> 00:18:05,317
NARRATOR: And then, somethingwonderful happened.
405
00:18:05,319 --> 00:18:07,936
I'm having a heart attack!
406
00:18:09,239 --> 00:18:12,458
I'm having a
heart attack!
407
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,376
I'm having a heart attack!
408
00:18:14,378 --> 00:18:17,463
And my doctor is
at Saint Marcus Hospital!
409
00:18:17,465 --> 00:18:19,048
MAN:
So is mine!
410
00:18:19,050 --> 00:18:20,165
Mine, too.
411
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,784
And my son is head
of Cardiology.
412
00:18:22,786 --> 00:18:24,837
ALL:
We know!
413
00:18:26,122 --> 00:18:27,089
Push!
414
00:18:27,091 --> 00:18:29,625
I wish Marshall were here!
415
00:18:29,627 --> 00:18:31,260
(panting):
I'm here, baby.
416
00:18:31,262 --> 00:18:32,177
Marshall!
417
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:34,146
I don't know why
I passed out.
418
00:18:34,148 --> 00:18:37,016
I have delivered
12 perfectly healthy babies,
419
00:18:37,018 --> 00:18:38,984
and one of them was even human.
420
00:18:38,986 --> 00:18:40,636
Well, it's different
when it's someone you love.
421
00:18:40,638 --> 00:18:42,488
When that head was coming
out of your best friend.
422
00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:44,323
Oh, stop.
I'm feeling woozy again.
423
00:18:44,325 --> 00:18:45,608
Don't.
424
00:18:45,610 --> 00:18:46,975
Salt lick?
425
00:18:46,977 --> 00:18:50,946
In return for him getting me
here, I may have promised Barney
426
00:18:50,948 --> 00:18:54,950
that our son's middle name
will be Wait For It.
427
00:18:54,952 --> 00:18:57,286
I can't wait, just--
what is the name?
428
00:18:57,288 --> 00:18:59,955
The name is
Wait For It.
429
00:18:59,957 --> 00:19:01,340
(screaming)
430
00:19:01,342 --> 00:19:06,161
That is the coolest middle name
of all time!
431
00:19:06,163 --> 00:19:07,630
Look, um,
432
00:19:07,632 --> 00:19:11,550
I know things have been weird
between us the last few months,
433
00:19:11,552 --> 00:19:12,885
but...
434
00:19:12,887 --> 00:19:14,970
Marshall and Lily
are having a baby.
435
00:19:14,972 --> 00:19:16,271
Yeah.
436
00:19:16,273 --> 00:19:18,524
And, you know,
I want this baby to be born
437
00:19:18,526 --> 00:19:21,010
into a world where we're okay.
438
00:19:21,811 --> 00:19:23,746
So, friends?
439
00:19:23,748 --> 00:19:25,414
I love you, Robin.
440
00:19:26,116 --> 00:19:27,066
Kidding.
441
00:19:27,068 --> 00:19:27,950
You...
442
00:19:27,952 --> 00:19:29,017
Friends.
You...
443
00:19:29,019 --> 00:19:30,536
(both laugh)
444
00:19:30,538 --> 00:19:33,205
Guys, great news
from down the hall.
445
00:19:33,207 --> 00:19:37,176
One dollar,
two bags of gummy bears!
446
00:19:38,078 --> 00:19:39,378
It's like, I don't even care
447
00:19:39,380 --> 00:19:41,463
what happens
for the rest of the day.
448
00:19:41,465 --> 00:19:43,082
I...
449
00:19:43,084 --> 00:19:44,583
Hey.
450
00:19:44,585 --> 00:19:46,034
Well, guys, uh...
451
00:19:46,036 --> 00:19:47,536
(sighs)
452
00:19:47,538 --> 00:19:48,754
I'm a dad.
453
00:19:48,756 --> 00:19:50,038
(laughs):
Oh, my God!
454
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:52,591
(cheering)
455
00:19:52,593 --> 00:19:54,710
Everybody,
456
00:19:54,712 --> 00:19:56,895
this is Marvin.
457
00:19:56,897 --> 00:19:59,615
We named him after my pop.
458
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,768
Tell them the
full name.
459
00:20:02,770 --> 00:20:06,939
Marvin Wait For It Eriksen.
460
00:20:06,941 --> 00:20:09,992
That is the coolest
middle name of all-time.
461
00:20:09,994 --> 00:20:11,710
Totally.
462
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:16,865
♪ You were born into
a strange world ♪
463
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:20,002
♪ Like a candle, you were meant
to share the fire ♪
464
00:20:20,004 --> 00:20:23,739
♪ I don't know where we come
from, I don't know where we go ♪
465
00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:26,041
♪ But my arms were made
to hold you ♪
466
00:20:26,043 --> 00:20:27,909
♪ So I will never let you go ♪
467
00:20:27,911 --> 00:20:31,246
♪ 'Cause you were born ♪
468
00:20:31,248 --> 00:20:34,516
♪ To change this life,
you were born. ♪
469
00:20:34,985 --> 00:20:37,985
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x24 ♪
The Magician's Code, pt2
Original Air Date on May 14, 2012
470
00:20:38,548 --> 00:20:39,815
(exhales)
471
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,840
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
472
00:20:56,847 --> 00:20:58,398
ALL: Boo!
(screams)
473
00:20:59,686 --> 00:21:01,436
NARRATOR:
Which brings us to the story
474
00:21:01,438 --> 00:21:04,089
of a wedding daythat went horribly wrong.
475
00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:07,225
Ted, the bride wants to see you.
476
00:21:08,361 --> 00:21:11,480
Uncle Barneywas getting married.
477
00:21:11,482 --> 00:21:14,533
How the hell did we get there?
478
00:21:18,488 --> 00:21:19,654
I love the name Marvin.
479
00:21:19,656 --> 00:21:20,989
Marv.
480
00:21:20,991 --> 00:21:23,108
Sounds like a little
middle-aged man.
481
00:21:23,110 --> 00:21:23,942
(chuckling)
482
00:21:23,944 --> 00:21:25,043
Golf next
weekend, Marv?
483
00:21:25,045 --> 00:21:26,712
How's that tax report
coming, Marv?
484
00:21:26,714 --> 00:21:28,446
At your age,
erectile dysfunction
485
00:21:28,448 --> 00:21:30,582
is nothing to be
ashamed of, Marv.
486
00:21:32,051 --> 00:21:34,119
It was a beautiful moment.
487
00:21:34,121 --> 00:21:36,471
But then a thought poppedinto my head, kids.
488
00:21:36,473 --> 00:21:38,423
The same thought that will pop
into your heads
489
00:21:38,425 --> 00:21:41,476
the first time you see yourbest friend holding their baby.
490
00:21:41,478 --> 00:21:43,228
(staple gun clicks)
491
00:21:43,230 --> 00:21:45,480
Wonder how much this would hurt.
492
00:21:45,482 --> 00:21:46,681
(chuckles)
493
00:21:47,483 --> 00:21:48,483
(staple gun clicks)
494
00:21:48,485 --> 00:21:49,851
(screaming)
495
00:21:49,853 --> 00:21:51,953
That guy's a dad.
496
00:21:51,955 --> 00:21:53,688
(screaming)
497
00:21:53,690 --> 00:21:54,906
(baby crying)
498
00:21:54,908 --> 00:21:56,942
Oh, I think he's hungry.
499
00:21:56,944 --> 00:21:59,194
Oh, we'll give
you some privacy.
500
00:22:01,147 --> 00:22:03,331
Wow. Seeing them in there
all together like that,
501
00:22:03,333 --> 00:22:05,250
they're a family,
you know?
502
00:22:05,252 --> 00:22:06,835
That's what I want.
503
00:22:06,837 --> 00:22:09,671
Oh, Ted, I'm glad
we're friends again.
504
00:22:09,673 --> 00:22:10,756
Me, too.
505
00:22:10,758 --> 00:22:13,425
Because as your friend,
I have to tell you:
506
00:22:13,427 --> 00:22:14,593
You're full of crap!
507
00:22:14,595 --> 00:22:16,294
You say you want a family,
508
00:22:16,296 --> 00:22:18,680
you say
you want to meet "The One,"
509
00:22:18,682 --> 00:22:21,633
but you are always chasing
the wrong women.
510
00:22:21,635 --> 00:22:22,851
That is not true.
511
00:22:22,853 --> 00:22:24,186
Look at the women you date,
512
00:22:24,188 --> 00:22:25,520
starting with me:
513
00:22:25,522 --> 00:22:27,656
I told you right away
I didn't want marriage or kids.
514
00:22:27,658 --> 00:22:31,276
Stella had a child with another
man who she still loved.
515
00:22:31,278 --> 00:22:34,963
Zoey was married and trying
to sabotage your career
516
00:22:34,965 --> 00:22:37,199
and wore a lot of stupid hats.
517
00:22:37,201 --> 00:22:39,651
If you really wanted a family,
518
00:22:39,653 --> 00:22:41,653
you would stop pursuing women
519
00:22:41,655 --> 00:22:43,488
you know that
there is no future with.
520
00:22:43,490 --> 00:22:48,210
Okay, first of all,
hats were in that year, kind of.
521
00:22:48,212 --> 00:22:50,495
Secondly, I don't
always choose women
522
00:22:50,497 --> 00:22:53,215
there's no future with, kind of.
523
00:22:53,217 --> 00:22:54,800
Name one exception.
524
00:22:54,802 --> 00:22:57,002
Victoria.
525
00:22:57,004 --> 00:22:59,370
TED: Victoria was great.
526
00:22:59,372 --> 00:23:01,306
Exactly,
and you threw it all away
527
00:23:01,308 --> 00:23:03,592
to chase after some hot piece
of ass. (scoffs)
528
00:23:03,594 --> 00:23:06,061
You mean you?
Thank you!
529
00:23:06,063 --> 00:23:09,231
Victoria is the only
woman you've dated
530
00:23:09,233 --> 00:23:10,632
who could've been "The One."
531
00:23:10,634 --> 00:23:11,900
You should call her.
532
00:23:11,902 --> 00:23:15,386
Tiny thing, last time I saw her,
she was getting engaged.
533
00:23:15,388 --> 00:23:16,538
That was eight months ago.
534
00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,073
For all you know,
she's single again.
535
00:23:18,075 --> 00:23:19,074
What if she's married?
536
00:23:19,076 --> 00:23:20,108
What if she's not?
537
00:23:20,110 --> 00:23:21,576
Then you would actually
have a chance
538
00:23:21,578 --> 00:23:24,362
to get what you say you want,
and it terrifies you.
539
00:23:24,364 --> 00:23:27,666
Why? Because if I stole a
scalpel and I cut you open,
540
00:23:27,668 --> 00:23:31,920
all I would find inside is a
scared, trembling pile of crap.
541
00:23:31,922 --> 00:23:34,673
See, I've missed these talks.
542
00:23:34,675 --> 00:23:36,041
Oh, me, too.
543
00:23:36,043 --> 00:23:38,510
Yeah.
Whoa.
544
00:23:38,512 --> 00:23:40,762
What's wrong?
(sighs)
545
00:23:40,764 --> 00:23:42,580
I ruined things with Quinn.
546
00:23:42,582 --> 00:23:44,599
I insisted she stop stripping,
547
00:23:44,601 --> 00:23:46,551
we got in a huge fight about it,
548
00:23:46,553 --> 00:23:49,771
then I ran off to Atlantic City
for two days without calling.
549
00:23:49,773 --> 00:23:52,390
What the hell
am I coming home to?
550
00:23:55,862 --> 00:23:58,930
Let's have an eight-way with
my six hottest stripper friends.
551
00:23:58,932 --> 00:24:01,032
Um, how is that a punishment?
552
00:24:01,034 --> 00:24:02,234
Wait for it.
553
00:24:02,236 --> 00:24:03,618
But I forbid you from filming it
554
00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:04,819
with your overhead camera
555
00:24:04,821 --> 00:24:06,955
that zooms in
on whoever's being the loudest.
556
00:24:08,157 --> 00:24:12,244
Nooooo!
557
00:24:12,246 --> 00:24:14,579
(shudders)
No, that's too cruel.
558
00:24:14,581 --> 00:24:18,567
Or, you know,
maybe Quinn's moved out.
559
00:24:19,552 --> 00:24:22,254
I didn't even think of that!
560
00:24:22,256 --> 00:24:23,972
(sighs)
561
00:24:27,793 --> 00:24:29,144
Hi.
562
00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:32,230
Welcome home.
563
00:24:32,232 --> 00:24:36,184
I decided the place was a bit
too "American Psycho" for me,
564
00:24:36,186 --> 00:24:38,803
so while you were gone,
I hired a decorator
565
00:24:38,805 --> 00:24:39,804
and I asked him,
566
00:24:39,806 --> 00:24:41,072
"What would the inside
567
00:24:41,074 --> 00:24:43,325
of Tinkerbell's vagina
look like?"
568
00:24:43,327 --> 00:24:45,594
And the kid just ran with it!
569
00:24:46,779 --> 00:24:49,281
So... what do you think?
570
00:24:49,283 --> 00:24:52,951
Thank God you're still here!
571
00:24:56,488 --> 00:24:58,673
Welcome home.
572
00:25:01,944 --> 00:25:04,346
NARRATOR: Lily and Marshall asked Robinto be the photographer
573
00:25:04,348 --> 00:25:06,831
for Baby Marvin'sBirth Announcement card
574
00:25:06,833 --> 00:25:08,633
instead of me.
575
00:25:08,635 --> 00:25:09,634
Whatever.
576
00:25:09,636 --> 00:25:10,969
The only problem?
577
00:25:10,971 --> 00:25:13,088
(camera snapping)
578
00:25:18,761 --> 00:25:20,278
These are terrible, Robin!
579
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:22,251
Hey, it is not easy
getting a good shot
580
00:25:22,276 --> 00:25:23,899
cooped up in this apartment!
581
00:25:23,900 --> 00:25:25,016
See, two different styles:
582
00:25:25,018 --> 00:25:28,853
I make compositions,
Robin makes excuses.
583
00:25:28,855 --> 00:25:29,854
Click!
584
00:25:29,856 --> 00:25:31,189
Photo burn!
585
00:25:31,191 --> 00:25:33,124
Okay. How about this?
586
00:25:33,126 --> 00:25:35,627
Tomorrow, we go
to Central Park at sunset
587
00:25:35,629 --> 00:25:38,546
and we get the perfect picture
in the perfect setting.
588
00:25:38,548 --> 00:25:40,048
Oh, I like that.
589
00:25:40,050 --> 00:25:42,917
It'll be Marvin's first
outing into the world.
590
00:25:42,919 --> 00:25:44,586
You're gonna love
the park, buddy.
591
00:25:44,588 --> 00:25:46,638
It's a great place
to meet chicks.
592
00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:48,923
Or-or dudes.
593
00:25:48,925 --> 00:25:50,175
Or both.
594
00:25:50,177 --> 00:25:52,560
Oh, we love you
no matter what!
595
00:25:52,562 --> 00:25:56,164
NARRATOR: And kids, as I watched yourAunt Lily hold her baby boy,
596
00:25:56,166 --> 00:25:58,199
another thoughtpopped into my head.
597
00:25:58,201 --> 00:26:00,602
Even though you
didn't buy anything,
598
00:26:00,604 --> 00:26:03,021
I want to thank you
for coming in.
599
00:26:03,023 --> 00:26:04,322
Here's a free teddy bear.
600
00:26:04,324 --> 00:26:06,391
What are you gonna
name the little guy?
601
00:26:06,393 --> 00:26:09,494
Six Pack.
602
00:26:12,114 --> 00:26:14,032
Gun it, bitches!
603
00:26:14,034 --> 00:26:14,983
(engine revs)
604
00:26:14,985 --> 00:26:16,785
NARRATOR: That girl's a mom!
605
00:26:16,787 --> 00:26:19,537
(engine revving)
606
00:26:20,406 --> 00:26:21,923
(phone chimes)
607
00:26:23,376 --> 00:26:26,127
Okay, so I met this girl
on the train,
608
00:26:26,129 --> 00:26:28,179
and I texted her, "What's up""
609
00:26:28,181 --> 00:26:31,099
She texted,
"Hey," exclamation point.
610
00:26:31,101 --> 00:26:33,852
Does that mean,
"Ask me out" or "Just..."
611
00:26:33,854 --> 00:26:38,306
Ted, we are responsible for
a whole other human life now,
612
00:26:38,308 --> 00:26:43,261
so new rule: You can't come
to us with any issue unless
613
00:26:43,286 --> 00:26:44,313
it's an "8" or higher.
614
00:26:44,314 --> 00:26:45,647
Got it.
615
00:26:45,649 --> 00:26:48,733
So I'm thinking of texting
back a winky smiley face.
616
00:26:48,735 --> 00:26:50,568
Eight or higher, bro.
617
00:26:50,570 --> 00:26:51,569
Well, no, what should I--
618
00:26:51,571 --> 00:26:52,821
Eight or higher, bro.
619
00:26:52,823 --> 00:26:54,155
No, yeah,
I'm just wondering if--
620
00:26:54,157 --> 00:26:55,907
Eight or higher, bro.
621
00:26:55,909 --> 00:26:57,826
Well, where do you rate this?
622
00:26:57,828 --> 00:27:01,246
This is the same as what's in
little Marvin's pants right now:
623
00:27:01,248 --> 00:27:03,064
a soft two.
624
00:27:05,868 --> 00:27:07,552
Sorry, bro.
625
00:27:07,554 --> 00:27:10,939
Stop texting the bimbo
and call Victoria.
626
00:27:10,941 --> 00:27:12,257
That chapter's over.
627
00:27:12,259 --> 00:27:14,125
W-We just weren't destined
to be together.
628
00:27:14,127 --> 00:27:19,314
"Destined." Aren't you tired
of waiting for destiny, Ted?
629
00:27:19,316 --> 00:27:22,300
Isn't it time
to make your own destiny?
630
00:27:23,769 --> 00:27:25,136
Hey, false alarm.
631
00:27:25,138 --> 00:27:27,939
What I was smelling was
the previous poop,
632
00:27:27,941 --> 00:27:31,014
which, apparently, is
still somewhere on my
633
00:27:31,039 --> 00:27:33,039
clothes and/or in my hair.
634
00:27:33,979 --> 00:27:36,247
Hold him, would you?
Oh. Here.
635
00:27:38,951 --> 00:27:40,702
Ooh.
Yeah, smart.
636
00:27:40,704 --> 00:27:42,320
(shutter clicking)
637
00:27:42,322 --> 00:27:46,908
Oh, sure, that one
turns out great. Ugh.
638
00:27:46,910 --> 00:27:49,761
NARRATOR: And then another thought popped
into my head:
639
00:27:49,763 --> 00:27:52,997
That guy's nowherenear being a dad.
640
00:27:56,886 --> 00:27:58,836
(line ringing)
641
00:27:58,838 --> 00:28:00,171
VICTORIA: Hello?
642
00:28:00,173 --> 00:28:03,358
Hey, Victoria, it's Ted.
643
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:05,276
Um, listen, I was just wondering
644
00:28:05,278 --> 00:28:08,513
if you wanted to catch up
sometime; it's been a while.
645
00:28:08,515 --> 00:28:09,814
That sounds nice.
646
00:28:09,816 --> 00:28:12,450
I'm actually around
this afternoon.
647
00:28:12,452 --> 00:28:15,453
Oh, wow, uh, great.
648
00:28:15,455 --> 00:28:17,238
MacLaren's at 2:00?
649
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,040
Is 1:30 okay?
650
00:28:19,042 --> 00:28:20,658
I might have a thing later.
651
00:28:20,660 --> 00:28:23,027
Yeah. Yeah. See you then.
652
00:28:23,029 --> 00:28:24,546
See you then.
653
00:28:24,548 --> 00:28:27,415
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, Barneyand Quinn were off to Hawaii
654
00:28:27,417 --> 00:28:29,534
for their first getawayas a couple.
655
00:28:29,536 --> 00:28:31,753
Ma'am, I need you
to open your suitcase.
656
00:28:31,755 --> 00:28:33,154
(sighing):
It's mine.
657
00:28:33,156 --> 00:28:35,423
Did you have
to replace my luggage, too?
658
00:28:35,425 --> 00:28:38,726
Run away on me again, you'll
be wearing hot pink stilettos.
659
00:28:38,728 --> 00:28:41,179
What's that?
660
00:28:41,181 --> 00:28:42,230
Yeah, what is that?
661
00:28:42,232 --> 00:28:44,065
It's a magic trick.
662
00:28:44,067 --> 00:28:46,717
You see, I'm something
of a magician.
663
00:28:46,719 --> 00:28:47,718
Open the box, sir.
664
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:50,104
(laughing):
Oh, I can't do that.
665
00:28:50,106 --> 00:28:52,390
(barking)
666
00:28:52,392 --> 00:28:54,042
Sir, are there drugs
in that box?
667
00:28:54,044 --> 00:28:56,194
Oh, no. He's probably
just barking
668
00:28:56,196 --> 00:28:57,495
because of the explosives.
669
00:28:57,497 --> 00:28:59,831
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
670
00:28:59,833 --> 00:29:01,966
Tell us what's
in the box right now!
671
00:29:01,968 --> 00:29:03,284
I can't.
672
00:29:03,286 --> 00:29:05,687
Magician's Code.
673
00:29:06,956 --> 00:29:10,625
TED: Okay, I need to figure outif Victoria ever got engaged.
674
00:29:10,627 --> 00:29:14,579
I'll have to very subtlycheck for an engagement ring.
675
00:29:16,248 --> 00:29:19,384
Hmm, can't see the left hand.
676
00:29:24,663 --> 00:29:26,125
Open the box now!
677
00:29:26,810 --> 00:29:28,360
I can't.
678
00:29:28,362 --> 00:29:29,611
Magician's Code.
679
00:29:29,613 --> 00:29:32,531
What the hell is
the Magician's Code?!
680
00:29:32,533 --> 00:29:35,050
"A magician never
reveals his tricks."
681
00:29:35,052 --> 00:29:37,035
Mr. Flanagan, my magic mentor
682
00:29:37,037 --> 00:29:39,705
from the hallowed
Staten Island Mall Magic Shop,
683
00:29:39,707 --> 00:29:42,074
taught me the importance
of the Code
684
00:29:42,076 --> 00:29:44,242
one fateful autumn
night in 1993.
685
00:29:44,244 --> 00:29:46,118
Always good to tell
a long story while people
686
00:29:46,143 --> 00:29:47,664
are aiming guns at you.
687
00:29:47,665 --> 00:29:50,782
'Twas a night which
would changed my life...
688
00:29:50,784 --> 00:29:53,051
(thudding)
689
00:29:53,053 --> 00:29:55,754
Hello? Mr. Flanagan.
690
00:29:55,756 --> 00:29:58,473
Wh-What are you doing here?
691
00:29:58,475 --> 00:30:01,677
Um...
I'm checking up on you.
692
00:30:01,679 --> 00:30:04,980
Just to make sure
you're practicing your craft
693
00:30:04,982 --> 00:30:06,231
or whatever.
694
00:30:06,233 --> 00:30:08,850
That is an honor, sir.
695
00:30:08,852 --> 00:30:11,486
And yeah, I promise,
I'm practicing.
696
00:30:11,488 --> 00:30:12,854
But wait.
697
00:30:12,856 --> 00:30:14,990
Why were you, why were you
going in my mom's room?
698
00:30:14,992 --> 00:30:18,193
Uh... your mom's actually
helping me with a new trick.
699
00:30:18,195 --> 00:30:19,945
That is so cool!
700
00:30:19,947 --> 00:30:21,146
What is this trick?
701
00:30:21,148 --> 00:30:22,497
Is it sawing a lady in half?
702
00:30:22,499 --> 00:30:23,915
(wry chuckle)
703
00:30:23,917 --> 00:30:25,283
Well, not sawing.
704
00:30:25,285 --> 00:30:26,485
But actually,
705
00:30:26,487 --> 00:30:27,786
the Magician's Code forbids me
706
00:30:27,788 --> 00:30:30,488
from telling you anything else
about the trick.
707
00:30:30,490 --> 00:30:32,958
LORETTA:
Wayne, come back to bed!
708
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:34,876
Okay, it involves a bed.
709
00:30:34,878 --> 00:30:38,013
W-W-Wait. Can
you at least
710
00:30:38,015 --> 00:30:39,648
tell me the name of this trick?
711
00:30:39,650 --> 00:30:42,000
Sure, kid.
712
00:30:42,002 --> 00:30:43,351
It's called--
713
00:30:43,353 --> 00:30:45,487
The Disappearing Salami.
714
00:30:46,505 --> 00:30:48,590
Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him
715
00:30:48,592 --> 00:30:51,493
before he could ever tell me
what the trick was.
716
00:30:51,495 --> 00:30:52,915
Yeah, that guy was
banging your mom.
717
00:30:52,989 --> 00:30:53,812
Yup.
718
00:30:53,814 --> 00:30:54,946
Totally.
719
00:30:54,948 --> 00:30:57,032
Mr. Flanagan was not ban--
720
00:30:57,034 --> 00:30:59,034
Oh, my God, he was.
721
00:30:59,036 --> 00:31:02,370
Wait, why are you bringing
a magic trick to Hawaii anyway?
722
00:31:02,372 --> 00:31:05,824
I was hoping to shoot up
to Honolulu
723
00:31:05,826 --> 00:31:07,793
for the Worldwide
Magic Convention.
724
00:31:07,795 --> 00:31:09,694
Don't worry. You'll
notice I was gone.
725
00:31:09,696 --> 00:31:11,696
It's only three
14-hour days.
726
00:31:11,698 --> 00:31:13,381
So on our romantic getaway
727
00:31:13,383 --> 00:31:16,134
to help me forget about
you skipping town on me,
728
00:31:16,136 --> 00:31:17,836
you're skipping town on me?!
729
00:31:17,838 --> 00:31:21,372
Look Quinn, you're
very important to me,
730
00:31:21,374 --> 00:31:26,544
but you're sharing my heart
with an equally important Miss.
731
00:31:26,546 --> 00:31:30,482
Miss...
732
00:31:30,484 --> 00:31:32,484
Direction.
733
00:31:32,486 --> 00:31:33,652
What?
734
00:31:34,821 --> 00:31:35,821
H...
735
00:31:35,823 --> 00:31:37,572
Shoot him.
736
00:31:37,574 --> 00:31:40,225
So what did you order?
737
00:31:40,227 --> 00:31:42,611
Oh, just black coffee.
738
00:31:42,613 --> 00:31:43,829
I like it that way, too.
739
00:31:43,831 --> 00:31:45,413
Yeah, it just tastes
better to me.
740
00:31:45,415 --> 00:31:47,199
I find that if the coffee beans
are good enough,
741
00:31:47,201 --> 00:31:49,901
you really don't need--
Why are you in a wedding dress?!
742
00:31:49,903 --> 00:31:53,404
Well, I'm sort of supposed to...
743
00:31:53,406 --> 00:31:56,124
get married today.
744
00:31:56,126 --> 00:31:57,742
All your friends and family
are waiting for you
745
00:31:57,744 --> 00:31:58,927
in some church right now?
746
00:31:58,929 --> 00:32:02,631
Well, not all; we had
five last-minute no-shows.
747
00:32:02,633 --> 00:32:04,082
Well... six.
748
00:32:05,301 --> 00:32:06,885
Mazel tov, Ted.
749
00:32:06,887 --> 00:32:09,387
I was starting to think
this would never happen.
750
00:32:09,389 --> 00:32:10,472
Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen--
751
00:32:10,474 --> 00:32:12,390
MRS. MATSEN: I told
you he wasn't gay.
752
00:32:12,392 --> 00:32:14,092
Wait, what?
753
00:32:15,862 --> 00:32:17,979
I was tempted to leave Klaus
for you last fall.
754
00:32:17,981 --> 00:32:21,316
The only thing holding me back
was the Robin of it all.
755
00:32:21,318 --> 00:32:24,435
I know, and you were right,
but... but that's all over now.
756
00:32:24,437 --> 00:32:27,906
She moved out-- I mean, we're
still friends, but that's over.
757
00:32:27,908 --> 00:32:31,726
All these years, I never stopped
thinking about you, Ted.
758
00:32:32,745 --> 00:32:34,663
I've got a car outside
759
00:32:34,665 --> 00:32:38,300
if you're ready to drive off
into the sunset together.
760
00:32:39,669 --> 00:32:43,004
But if you don't feel
the same way,
761
00:32:43,006 --> 00:32:45,957
if you've closed the door on us,
762
00:32:45,959 --> 00:32:47,676
just say the word...
763
00:32:47,678 --> 00:32:49,227
and I'll go.
764
00:32:50,763 --> 00:32:52,097
Barney, tell them the trick.
765
00:32:52,099 --> 00:32:54,733
The only person I could possibly
reveal the trick to
766
00:32:54,735 --> 00:32:55,767
is another magician.
767
00:32:55,769 --> 00:32:59,304
Well, I'm a magician.
768
00:32:59,306 --> 00:33:01,072
Prove it.
769
00:33:07,479 --> 00:33:08,530
Whoo-hoo!
770
00:33:08,532 --> 00:33:10,715
(gasps)
771
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:19,341
NARRATOR:
That's Barney's version.
772
00:33:19,343 --> 00:33:21,343
Quinn said it wasa simple card trick.
773
00:33:21,345 --> 00:33:24,012
Who's to say whichversion was true?
774
00:33:24,014 --> 00:33:25,847
Quinn's.Quinn's version was true.
775
00:33:27,700 --> 00:33:29,017
Okay.
776
00:33:29,019 --> 00:33:31,219
I'll tell you.
777
00:33:33,289 --> 00:33:36,024
Oh, that's really cool.
778
00:33:36,976 --> 00:33:38,777
So what's the trick?
779
00:33:38,779 --> 00:33:40,829
I can't say.
Magician's Code.
780
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:43,681
(gasps):
Ta-da...
781
00:33:43,683 --> 00:33:45,984
da-da-da-da-da-da.
782
00:33:45,986 --> 00:33:47,118
(cell phone ringing)
783
00:33:47,904 --> 00:33:48,904
Hello.
784
00:33:48,906 --> 00:33:51,623
Why did you make me
call Victoria?
785
00:33:51,625 --> 00:33:53,208
She's here in a wedding dress.
786
00:33:53,210 --> 00:33:55,543
I'm the verge of
ruining a wedding!
787
00:33:55,545 --> 00:33:56,912
And Mrs. Madsen's friend
thinks I'm gay,
788
00:33:56,914 --> 00:33:58,496
but let's put a pin
in that till later.
789
00:33:58,498 --> 00:34:00,665
Oh, my God.
Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
790
00:34:00,667 --> 00:34:02,167
That's a seven.
791
00:34:02,169 --> 00:34:03,802
And she's in a wedding dress.
792
00:34:04,670 --> 00:34:05,720
That's a ten.
793
00:34:05,722 --> 00:34:07,889
We got a ten!
794
00:34:09,041 --> 00:34:11,209
What are you gonna do?
Where is she right now?
795
00:34:11,211 --> 00:34:12,677
So this dress, what's the cut?
796
00:34:12,679 --> 00:34:14,763
Are we talking princess,
ball gown, column?
797
00:34:14,765 --> 00:34:18,266
Right, 'cause it's a federal
crime to love weddings.
798
00:34:18,268 --> 00:34:19,768
She's in the bathroom,
which I guess
799
00:34:19,770 --> 00:34:22,487
takes forever with that
giant poufy skirt thing.
800
00:34:22,489 --> 00:34:24,739
Ball gown. Thank you.
801
00:34:24,741 --> 00:34:25,824
Four shots of tequila.
802
00:34:25,826 --> 00:34:27,242
Ted, calm down.
803
00:34:27,244 --> 00:34:29,160
Or not. This is your chance
to get the one who got away.
804
00:34:29,162 --> 00:34:30,695
You want her,
she wants you,
805
00:34:30,697 --> 00:34:32,080
what's the problem?
806
00:34:32,082 --> 00:34:34,666
The problem is Victoria's in
the middle of a giant freak-out.
807
00:34:34,668 --> 00:34:36,734
What if she winds up
regretting this decision?
808
00:34:36,736 --> 00:34:38,753
She's going after Ted Mosby.
809
00:34:38,755 --> 00:34:40,939
That's the best decision
she's ever made.
810
00:34:40,941 --> 00:34:42,757
There you go.
811
00:34:47,997 --> 00:34:50,281
Whoa. What was that?
What?
812
00:34:50,283 --> 00:34:52,684
You said you wanted a picture
of Baby Marvin's first outing.
813
00:34:53,552 --> 00:34:56,187
Our baby's first outing
814
00:34:56,189 --> 00:34:57,422
was to a bar.
815
00:34:57,424 --> 00:34:58,523
(gasps)
816
00:34:58,525 --> 00:35:01,226
I dribble Cuervo
on Marv's soft spot.
817
00:35:01,228 --> 00:35:02,027
Here she comes! Quick!
818
00:35:02,029 --> 00:35:03,428
Oh, yeah.
819
00:35:03,430 --> 00:35:04,762
Eggshell or cream?
820
00:35:04,764 --> 00:35:06,948
Is it eggshell or cream?
821
00:35:08,434 --> 00:35:09,401
So.
822
00:35:09,403 --> 00:35:12,988
You... me...
riding off into the sunset.
823
00:35:12,990 --> 00:35:14,772
Any thoughts?
824
00:35:15,607 --> 00:35:17,058
One question:
825
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:19,294
FDR or Westside Highway,
826
00:35:19,296 --> 00:35:21,046
what's the quickest
way to the sunset?
827
00:35:24,700 --> 00:35:27,802
Man, I wind up in
these rooms a lot.
828
00:35:27,804 --> 00:35:30,722
If we miss Hawaii because of
this, guess who's not doing
829
00:35:30,724 --> 00:35:32,957
The Disappearing Salami
anytime soon?
830
00:35:33,792 --> 00:35:36,728
I need to ask you both
a few questions.
831
00:35:36,730 --> 00:35:38,129
Let's start with you.
832
00:35:38,131 --> 00:35:39,130
Name?
833
00:35:39,132 --> 00:35:40,398
Quinn Garvey.
834
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:41,483
Occupation?
835
00:35:41,485 --> 00:35:43,101
Unemployed.
836
00:35:43,103 --> 00:35:44,436
Well, well, well.
837
00:35:44,438 --> 00:35:45,737
Look who's keeping secrets now.
838
00:35:45,739 --> 00:35:48,189
Sir, I'll tell you her
occupation: stripper.
839
00:35:48,191 --> 00:35:49,824
She insists she's proud of it,
840
00:35:49,826 --> 00:35:52,310
but apparently not
proud enough to tell you.
841
00:35:52,312 --> 00:35:55,914
Barney, I was going to surprise
you with this on our trip,
842
00:35:55,916 --> 00:35:58,433
but... I quit.
843
00:36:00,319 --> 00:36:02,587
You... did that for me?
844
00:36:02,589 --> 00:36:04,072
Yes.
845
00:36:04,074 --> 00:36:06,458
And now that you know
what I did for you,
846
00:36:06,460 --> 00:36:08,593
and how much I care for you,
847
00:36:08,595 --> 00:36:11,429
would you please
show him the trick?
848
00:36:15,834 --> 00:36:19,120
Sorry. Magician's Code.
849
00:36:23,342 --> 00:36:25,343
Where should we go?
850
00:36:25,345 --> 00:36:26,844
Your place?
851
00:36:26,846 --> 00:36:28,012
My place?
852
00:36:28,014 --> 00:36:29,347
We could go on my honeymoon.
853
00:36:29,349 --> 00:36:30,848
(laughs)
854
00:36:30,850 --> 00:36:31,849
Just kidding.
855
00:36:31,851 --> 00:36:33,935
Although, it is paid for.
856
00:36:35,738 --> 00:36:37,705
I know where we should go.
Where?
857
00:36:37,707 --> 00:36:39,491
Your wedding.
858
00:36:39,493 --> 00:36:40,692
I'm taking you back.
859
00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:50,789
I don't understand.
860
00:36:50,791 --> 00:36:52,090
I thought you wanted this.
861
00:36:52,092 --> 00:36:53,458
I do want this.
862
00:36:53,460 --> 00:36:56,311
I've thought about you
so many times.
863
00:36:56,313 --> 00:36:58,897
What might have been...
864
00:36:58,899 --> 00:37:01,966
But I got left at the altar,
and it nearly killed me.
865
00:37:03,436 --> 00:37:04,770
You're someone's fiancé,
866
00:37:04,772 --> 00:37:06,605
and I have to respect that.
867
00:37:07,657 --> 00:37:09,274
So let's hit a motel,
jam in a quickie,
868
00:37:09,276 --> 00:37:10,308
and get you back
to your wedding.
869
00:37:10,310 --> 00:37:11,360
(giggles)
870
00:37:11,362 --> 00:37:13,578
It's the right thing to do.
871
00:37:14,497 --> 00:37:16,531
Some part of me
needed to hear you say
872
00:37:16,533 --> 00:37:18,500
that running away together
wasn't an option.
873
00:37:18,502 --> 00:37:21,036
And now that I know that...
874
00:37:21,038 --> 00:37:23,255
it's like I'm sobering up.
875
00:37:26,259 --> 00:37:27,376
Is there any way
876
00:37:27,378 --> 00:37:29,928
that we can just pretend
this never happened?
877
00:37:31,764 --> 00:37:33,231
This never happened.
878
00:37:38,554 --> 00:37:41,340
Mr. Flanagan wasn't
banging my mom.
879
00:37:42,341 --> 00:37:44,342
Well.
880
00:37:44,344 --> 00:37:46,144
Your flight left.
881
00:37:46,146 --> 00:37:49,481
We need to hold Mr. Stinson
for further questioning.
882
00:37:49,483 --> 00:37:51,015
But you're free to go.
883
00:37:54,037 --> 00:37:55,754
Maybe I should.
884
00:37:56,622 --> 00:37:59,241
Wait!
885
00:38:00,159 --> 00:38:01,493
I'll show you the trick.
886
00:38:05,965 --> 00:38:08,366
Sir!
887
00:38:08,368 --> 00:38:10,001
May I please have
the silk handkerchief
888
00:38:10,003 --> 00:38:11,336
in your top left breast pocket?
889
00:38:11,338 --> 00:38:13,505
Well... I don't have...
890
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:17,059
(chuckles)
891
00:38:17,061 --> 00:38:18,260
(clears throat)
892
00:38:25,852 --> 00:38:30,221
Sim salabi ma...
sim salabi ma...
893
00:38:31,991 --> 00:38:32,991
(gasps)
894
00:38:32,993 --> 00:38:34,493
Relax, relax,
it's part of the trick.
895
00:38:34,495 --> 00:38:36,244
How did you get that
through the X-Ray machine?
896
00:38:36,246 --> 00:38:38,029
No questions from
the audience, please!
897
00:38:40,867 --> 00:38:44,369
(chanting nonsense syllables)
898
00:38:51,878 --> 00:38:52,844
What is that?
899
00:38:52,846 --> 00:38:54,012
Madam, may I please have
900
00:38:54,014 --> 00:38:55,914
the key on your necklace?
901
00:38:56,682 --> 00:38:57,682
Oh!
902
00:38:57,684 --> 00:38:58,884
(giggles)
903
00:39:03,523 --> 00:39:04,973
(beeping)
904
00:39:04,975 --> 00:39:06,391
Is that gonna explode?
905
00:39:06,393 --> 00:39:07,759
What?
906
00:39:07,761 --> 00:39:09,778
(screams)
907
00:39:09,780 --> 00:39:11,780
(coughing)
908
00:39:11,782 --> 00:39:13,315
Ahem.
909
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:15,534
(mock gasps)
910
00:39:15,536 --> 00:39:17,819
What?
911
00:39:42,228 --> 00:39:44,629
(loudly):
Will you marry me?
912
00:39:46,399 --> 00:39:47,566
Yes.
913
00:39:51,237 --> 00:39:53,238
(laughing)
914
00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:54,773
Come on, guys.
915
00:39:54,775 --> 00:39:57,726
We're losing the light
for Baby's Second First Outing.
916
00:40:08,020 --> 00:40:10,755
NARRATOR: I hate to say it,but Robin nailed it.
917
00:40:10,757 --> 00:40:12,958
(door closes)
918
00:40:13,993 --> 00:40:16,327
Hey.
Guys, we've got something to tell you.
919
00:40:16,329 --> 00:40:18,046
Eight or higher, bro.
920
00:40:18,048 --> 00:40:19,548
We're engaged.
921
00:40:19,550 --> 00:40:22,300
That's a... that's a ten.
922
00:40:22,302 --> 00:40:24,302
We got another ten!
923
00:40:24,304 --> 00:40:25,971
Oh...
Wow, big day!
924
00:40:25,973 --> 00:40:28,390
Congratulations!
Thank you.
925
00:40:28,392 --> 00:40:30,174
How did this happen?
926
00:40:30,176 --> 00:40:32,394
Oh... magic.
927
00:40:33,679 --> 00:40:34,896
Oh.
928
00:40:34,898 --> 00:40:36,281
Uh, not to ruin the moment,
929
00:40:36,283 --> 00:40:39,568
but apparently little Marvin
is quite stunned by the news.
930
00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:42,037
Well...
931
00:40:42,039 --> 00:40:43,371
Yeah. Wow.
Yeah.
932
00:40:43,373 --> 00:40:45,540
Do you guys mind
recounting this romantic tale
933
00:40:45,542 --> 00:40:46,958
next to a Diaper Genie?
934
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:52,030
Oh, Marvin, you're about to
hear your first love story!
935
00:40:52,032 --> 00:40:53,364
QUINN:
Once up on a time,
936
00:40:53,366 --> 00:40:56,585
this creepy magic dude
was boning Barney's mom...
937
00:41:02,258 --> 00:41:03,925
It's our last chance
to run away together.
938
00:41:03,927 --> 00:41:04,976
Door's right there.
939
00:41:04,978 --> 00:41:06,595
Yes, we'll start a new life.
940
00:41:06,597 --> 00:41:08,063
Head for the border!
Canada!
941
00:41:08,065 --> 00:41:10,015
Eh, Mexico.
Canada sucks.
942
00:41:10,017 --> 00:41:11,816
Okay, well,
you're one-quarter Canadian,
943
00:41:11,818 --> 00:41:13,652
so by that logic
you one-quarter suck.
944
00:41:13,654 --> 00:41:15,020
I'm 100% awesome
945
00:41:15,022 --> 00:41:16,521
and you know it.
946
00:41:17,389 --> 00:41:18,990
Yeah, I do.
947
00:41:21,193 --> 00:41:22,911
(clears throat)
948
00:41:22,913 --> 00:41:26,498
Look, I-I hope this isn't weird,
or anything, because...
949
00:41:26,500 --> 00:41:28,366
Barney...
950
00:41:28,368 --> 00:41:30,869
I'm... I'm really happy for you.
951
00:41:30,871 --> 00:41:32,704
Really?
952
00:41:32,706 --> 00:41:34,372
♪ I listen to the wind ♪
953
00:41:34,374 --> 00:41:35,257
Really.
954
00:41:35,259 --> 00:41:37,909
♪ To the wind of my soul ♪
955
00:41:39,762 --> 00:41:41,245
♪ Where I'll end up
well I think ♪
956
00:41:41,247 --> 00:41:45,150
♪ Only God really knows ♪
957
00:41:47,270 --> 00:41:50,305
♪ I've sat upon ♪
958
00:41:50,307 --> 00:41:51,806
♪ The setting sun ♪
959
00:41:51,808 --> 00:41:54,609
♪ But never never never... ♪
960
00:41:54,611 --> 00:41:56,778
You just drove
right by the church.
961
00:41:56,780 --> 00:41:58,596
I know.
962
00:41:58,598 --> 00:42:01,599
♪ I never wanted water once ♪
963
00:42:01,601 --> 00:42:04,869
♪ No, never, never, never ♪
964
00:42:12,378 --> 00:42:14,329
♪ I listen to my words ♪
965
00:42:14,331 --> 00:42:16,865
♪ But they fall far below ♪
966
00:42:16,867 --> 00:42:19,334
The road to this day has had
967
00:42:19,336 --> 00:42:20,952
a few twists and
turns, hasn't it?
968
00:42:20,954 --> 00:42:22,887
Yeah. Just a few.
969
00:42:22,889 --> 00:42:24,422
♪ My heart wants to go ♪
970
00:42:24,424 --> 00:42:27,008
In a weird way, it all makes
sense, though, doesn't it?
971
00:42:27,010 --> 00:42:29,060
Yeah.
972
00:42:29,062 --> 00:42:30,345
Yeah, it kind of does.
973
00:42:30,347 --> 00:42:33,131
♪ ...the devil's lake ♪
974
00:42:33,133 --> 00:42:35,317
♪ But never never ♪
975
00:42:35,319 --> 00:42:37,185
♪ Never never ♪
976
00:42:37,187 --> 00:42:39,303
The bride wants to see me?
977
00:42:39,305 --> 00:42:41,272
♪ No, never, never, never. ♪
978
00:42:41,274 --> 00:42:45,274
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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