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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:01,661 --> 00:00:03,796
Hey, guys.
Where are Marshall and Lily?
2
00:00:03,798 --> 00:00:05,714
Something terrible
happened.
3
00:00:05,716 --> 00:00:07,516
Are they okay?
Are they in the hospital?
4
00:00:07,518 --> 00:00:08,784
No.
5
00:00:08,786 --> 00:00:12,821
Somewhere much... much worse.
6
00:00:12,823 --> 00:00:14,056
Long Island!
7
00:00:14,058 --> 00:00:15,557
Tonight, we're moving
out there for good.
8
00:00:15,559 --> 00:00:19,111
Yeah. Here are your spare
keys to our new house.
9
00:00:19,113 --> 00:00:20,512
Long Island?
10
00:00:20,514 --> 00:00:21,897
I don't understand.
11
00:00:21,899 --> 00:00:24,099
You can get spray tans here.
12
00:00:24,101 --> 00:00:25,184
ROBIN:
I never let myself
13
00:00:25,186 --> 00:00:27,319
believe this day
would really come.
14
00:00:27,321 --> 00:00:28,570
It's like when
they canceled
15
00:00:28,572 --> 00:00:30,856
Party of Five
for the second time.
16
00:00:31,825 --> 00:00:35,844
I mean when they...
canceled sports.
17
00:00:35,846 --> 00:00:38,647
Guys, we'll still see
each other all the time,
18
00:00:38,649 --> 00:00:40,148
and we'll talk
on the phone.
19
00:00:40,150 --> 00:00:42,201
And I know people say
that having kids means
20
00:00:42,203 --> 00:00:43,702
you won't see your
friends anymore, but...
21
00:00:43,704 --> 00:00:45,254
Oh, God, this is
good-bye, isn't it?
22
00:00:45,256 --> 00:00:46,622
No. Stop it.
23
00:00:46,624 --> 00:00:47,873
Guys, this doesn't
24
00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:49,124
change anything.
25
00:00:49,126 --> 00:00:52,378
We are only a 46-minute
train ride away.
26
00:00:52,380 --> 00:00:53,512
Just pop out
27
00:00:53,514 --> 00:00:54,847
whenever you want.
28
00:00:54,849 --> 00:00:57,716
So... I guess
this seat is open.
29
00:00:57,718 --> 00:00:59,935
(whimpering)
30
00:00:59,937 --> 00:01:01,937
I'll go get a chair.
31
00:01:04,057 --> 00:01:05,391
So that's it.
32
00:01:05,393 --> 00:01:06,842
No more Marshall.
33
00:01:06,844 --> 00:01:07,893
No more Lily.
34
00:01:07,895 --> 00:01:09,511
They're gone.
35
00:01:09,513 --> 00:01:11,513
Which means...
36
00:01:11,515 --> 00:01:14,182
no lame married couple
37
00:01:14,184 --> 00:01:16,902
shooting down
all my amazing ideas.
38
00:01:16,904 --> 00:01:18,987
Guys, great news.
39
00:01:18,989 --> 00:01:21,964
I'm the new leader
of the gang!
40
00:01:21,966 --> 00:01:25,966
♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x14 ♪
46 Minutes
Original Air Date on January 16, 2012
41
00:01:25,991 --> 00:01:29,991
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
44
00:01:39,927 --> 00:01:41,042
There was only one problem.
45
00:01:41,044 --> 00:01:42,594
MICKEY:
Wrong!
46
00:01:42,596 --> 00:01:45,046
This can't go here.
47
00:01:45,048 --> 00:01:47,149
Kids, when he found outshe was pregnant,
48
00:01:47,151 --> 00:01:48,717
Lily's estranged father
49
00:01:48,719 --> 00:01:50,903
unexpectedly showed upon her doorstep.
50
00:01:50,905 --> 00:01:52,905
It was a gestureshe appreciated.
51
00:01:52,907 --> 00:01:55,591
But after two weeks,they'd had just about enough.
52
00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:56,942
That has to go there
53
00:01:56,944 --> 00:01:58,827
to cover up
the splintery floorboard.
54
00:01:58,829 --> 00:01:59,778
And you can't hang
55
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,196
this picture here.
56
00:02:01,198 --> 00:02:03,665
This isn't plaster;
it's dried toothpaste.
57
00:02:04,584 --> 00:02:07,436
Guys, you're so lucky I'm here.
58
00:02:07,438 --> 00:02:09,121
I grew up in this house.
59
00:02:09,123 --> 00:02:11,573
I know it like
the back of my hand.
60
00:02:11,575 --> 00:02:14,293
And this lamp
absolutely cannot be here.
61
00:02:14,295 --> 00:02:16,044
Why not?
62
00:02:16,046 --> 00:02:18,180
Blocks my view
of the Widow Rodriguez
63
00:02:18,182 --> 00:02:20,349
doing her Jane Fonda workouts.
64
00:02:20,351 --> 00:02:22,267
Isn't she
a little old, Dad?
65
00:02:22,269 --> 00:02:25,254
Oh, you didn't see her
when I was a kid.
66
00:02:25,256 --> 00:02:28,457
In my mind, she'll always be 54.
67
00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:34,279
I know he means well, but
I can't take it anymore.
68
00:02:34,281 --> 00:02:36,097
He won't leave,
and-and he's acting
69
00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:37,933
like this is his house.
No, I know.
70
00:02:37,935 --> 00:02:40,452
And these annoying notes
he keeps leaving around?
71
00:02:40,454 --> 00:02:43,155
"I need absolute silence
when practicing the drums."
72
00:02:43,157 --> 00:02:46,107
"Do not touch the fudge
in my nightstand."
73
00:02:46,109 --> 00:02:48,794
"We need ant traps
for my nightstand."
74
00:02:48,796 --> 00:02:51,446
I find myself
hiding out here
75
00:02:51,448 --> 00:02:53,415
just because it's the only room
in the house
76
00:02:53,417 --> 00:02:54,583
where he can't boss us around.
77
00:02:54,585 --> 00:02:55,801
MICKEY (over intercom):
Great news.
78
00:02:55,803 --> 00:02:58,286
I put new batteries
in the old intercom system.
79
00:02:58,288 --> 00:03:00,472
Now we can communicate
at all times.
80
00:03:00,474 --> 00:03:02,641
Mickey out.
81
00:03:03,626 --> 00:03:06,011
Look at what's become
of our booth.
82
00:03:06,013 --> 00:03:08,347
Looks like my old
shop teacher's hand--
83
00:03:08,349 --> 00:03:10,999
just sort of
missing something.
84
00:03:11,001 --> 00:03:12,734
Enough!
85
00:03:12,736 --> 00:03:15,153
I am sick of you two
wallowing in sadness,
86
00:03:15,155 --> 00:03:16,772
instead of doing
the healthy thing
87
00:03:16,774 --> 00:03:18,574
and pretending
anyone who leaves you
88
00:03:18,576 --> 00:03:21,026
never existed
in the first place.
89
00:03:21,028 --> 00:03:22,494
I hate to agree with Barney's
90
00:03:22,496 --> 00:03:23,645
near-paralyzing
abandonment issues,
91
00:03:23,647 --> 00:03:25,030
but he has a point.
92
00:03:25,032 --> 00:03:26,198
You can't just stop living
93
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,983
because two of your friends
moved away.
94
00:03:27,985 --> 00:03:29,368
Precisely.
95
00:03:29,370 --> 00:03:33,205
Now, as new group leader,
I say we go out and do something
96
00:03:33,207 --> 00:03:35,624
that we never would have done
with Marshall and Lily here.
97
00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:37,042
Ooh.
98
00:03:37,044 --> 00:03:41,880
Remember that amazing idea
I had that one time?
99
00:03:41,882 --> 00:03:44,666
Let's go to a strip club.
Nope.
100
00:03:44,668 --> 00:03:46,635
So what do you say?
101
00:03:46,637 --> 00:03:49,337
Let's declare
our independence
102
00:03:49,339 --> 00:03:52,941
with an on-da-peen dance.
103
00:03:55,111 --> 00:03:56,395
On-the-peen dance.
104
00:03:56,397 --> 00:03:57,896
No, we got it.
We got it.
105
00:03:57,898 --> 00:03:59,180
Let's go to a strip club!
106
00:03:59,182 --> 00:04:00,232
TED:
Well...
107
00:04:00,234 --> 00:04:01,516
I'm going to miss
them anywhere.
108
00:04:01,518 --> 00:04:03,652
Might as well see some
cans while I'm at it.
109
00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:04,853
I'll take it!
110
00:04:04,855 --> 00:04:06,622
Robin, Kevin, you in?
111
00:04:07,707 --> 00:04:09,491
NARRATOR: Kids, early in anyrelationship,
112
00:04:09,493 --> 00:04:12,194
there's a phase where you don'tsay no to anything.
113
00:04:12,196 --> 00:04:14,930
Because you wantto seem interesting...
114
00:04:14,932 --> 00:04:17,299
adventurous...
115
00:04:17,301 --> 00:04:19,051
and open-minded.
116
00:04:19,053 --> 00:04:21,169
I call itEarly Relationship Chicken.
117
00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:23,388
Well, I'm open
to anything.
118
00:04:23,390 --> 00:04:25,841
Oh, mos' def.
119
00:04:25,843 --> 00:04:27,709
So...
So...
120
00:04:27,711 --> 00:04:30,062
I don't want to goto a strip club.
121
00:04:30,064 --> 00:04:31,597
I don't wantto go to a strip club.
122
00:04:31,599 --> 00:04:33,815
But I don't want himto think I'm some prude.
123
00:04:33,817 --> 00:04:36,935
Man, we've been saying "so"for a while.
124
00:04:36,937 --> 00:04:38,937
Yeah!
Yeah!
125
00:04:38,939 --> 00:04:40,272
(both grunt)
126
00:04:40,274 --> 00:04:41,440
Yes!
127
00:04:41,442 --> 00:04:44,159
Tonight is going
to be legen--
128
00:04:44,161 --> 00:04:46,445
(imitating Lily): Wait, are we sure it's a
good idea to go to a strip club?
129
00:04:46,447 --> 00:04:50,332
Shut up, Lily!
I'm in charge now-- dary!
130
00:04:52,051 --> 00:04:53,669
I've got no
cell reception.
131
00:04:53,671 --> 00:04:55,287
I wanted to call Ted.
132
00:04:55,289 --> 00:04:56,371
This feels weird.
133
00:04:56,373 --> 00:04:58,073
The last time I lived
this far from him
134
00:04:58,075 --> 00:04:59,124
was my semester abroad.
135
00:04:59,126 --> 00:05:01,126
You never did a semester abroad.
136
00:05:01,128 --> 00:05:02,577
That's what I called it
when we lived
137
00:05:02,579 --> 00:05:04,446
on opposite sides of campus.
138
00:05:04,448 --> 00:05:06,465
Wrong!
139
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:08,317
Please tell me you're not
plugging that in there.
140
00:05:08,319 --> 00:05:11,303
Yes, Mickey,
that's exactly what I'm doing.
141
00:05:11,305 --> 00:05:12,921
All right, fine.
I won't say anything.
142
00:05:12,923 --> 00:05:15,440
It's... just that
this was my room
143
00:05:15,442 --> 00:05:16,758
when I growing up,
144
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:18,977
so I know it a little
better than you.
145
00:05:18,979 --> 00:05:21,763
Lot of great memories here.
146
00:05:21,765 --> 00:05:24,483
Mostly just discovering my body.
147
00:05:25,401 --> 00:05:26,702
That's it.
148
00:05:26,704 --> 00:05:28,036
Mickey, since you got here,
149
00:05:28,038 --> 00:05:30,322
you've been nothing
but judgmental and pushy
150
00:05:30,324 --> 00:05:33,075
and strangely obsessed
with your adolescent sex life.
151
00:05:33,077 --> 00:05:34,326
Tomorrow morning,
152
00:05:34,328 --> 00:05:36,111
you're out of here.
153
00:05:36,113 --> 00:05:38,279
Well, I-I've just been trying
to help you...
154
00:05:38,281 --> 00:05:39,715
We don't need your help!
155
00:05:43,469 --> 00:05:45,286
I...
(door closes)
156
00:05:45,288 --> 00:05:46,972
Oh, it-it's okay, baby.
157
00:05:46,974 --> 00:05:48,807
It had to be done.
158
00:05:49,642 --> 00:05:51,860
(sighs)
159
00:05:52,795 --> 00:05:54,029
(electrical buzzing)
160
00:05:54,031 --> 00:05:55,163
(beep)
161
00:05:55,165 --> 00:05:56,765
MICKEY (over intercom):
Too bad the one person
162
00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,633
who could stop you
from making mistakes like that
163
00:05:58,635 --> 00:06:00,502
was told he has to move out
next month.
164
00:06:00,504 --> 00:06:03,338
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
165
00:06:04,424 --> 00:06:06,474
Would either of you
like a dance?
166
00:06:07,527 --> 00:06:09,111
(stammering)
167
00:06:09,113 --> 00:06:10,612
I'm always ready to rock.
168
00:06:10,614 --> 00:06:13,448
(chuckles)
And I'm always ready to roll.
169
00:06:13,450 --> 00:06:15,784
So...
So...
170
00:06:15,786 --> 00:06:18,003
I'm not ready to rock.
171
00:06:18,005 --> 00:06:20,172
Rolling makes me dizzy.
172
00:06:22,008 --> 00:06:23,792
Hell, yeah!
Yeah!
173
00:06:23,794 --> 00:06:26,845
I'm buying my man a lap dance,
'cause that's just how I do!
174
00:06:26,847 --> 00:06:28,496
Party like a
rock star!
175
00:06:28,498 --> 00:06:30,615
(trailing off):
Party like a rock star...
176
00:06:30,617 --> 00:06:32,217
TED:
Uh, hey, guys.
177
00:06:32,219 --> 00:06:33,468
It's Ted.
178
00:06:33,470 --> 00:06:35,170
Um... you're probably busy
with the move still.
179
00:06:35,172 --> 00:06:36,438
Um...
180
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,391
Give me a call
if you want to gab.
181
00:06:39,393 --> 00:06:41,727
Sorry about using
the word "gab."
182
00:06:41,729 --> 00:06:44,062
Ted, stop pining
over Marshall and Lily.
183
00:06:44,064 --> 00:06:45,981
Have some self-respect.
184
00:06:45,983 --> 00:06:48,516
Now, put this fiver
in your mouth so...
185
00:06:48,518 --> 00:06:50,518
that stripper with the lazy eye
can vacuum it up with...
186
00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:51,737
Barney!
Wh-what?
187
00:06:51,739 --> 00:06:53,121
I'm allowed to miss them, okay?
188
00:06:53,123 --> 00:06:54,456
They're my two best friends.
189
00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:55,957
I'm your two best friends!
190
00:06:56,859 --> 00:06:58,126
And we're here tonight
191
00:06:58,128 --> 00:07:00,695
to show you there's no need
to miss something
192
00:07:00,697 --> 00:07:03,298
when you can replace it
with something better.
193
00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:06,134
ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, say hello
to J-J-J-Jasmine!
194
00:07:06,136 --> 00:07:07,719
(Barney guffawing)
195
00:07:17,513 --> 00:07:19,347
Remember her?
196
00:07:19,349 --> 00:07:22,350
NARRATOR: So, a while back, we discoveredthe most amazing thing:
197
00:07:22,352 --> 00:07:23,851
Lily had a doppelganger
198
00:07:23,853 --> 00:07:27,388
who was a Russian stripper.
199
00:07:27,390 --> 00:07:28,923
Look at her, Ted.
200
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:30,608
She's just like old,
201
00:07:30,610 --> 00:07:31,692
less-good Lily,
202
00:07:31,694 --> 00:07:33,027
but instead of
bossing us around,
203
00:07:33,029 --> 00:07:34,278
she shows us her boobs.
204
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,846
No touching.
205
00:07:35,848 --> 00:07:38,149
Okay, a little
bossing us around.
206
00:07:38,151 --> 00:07:40,151
I call her Better Lily.
207
00:07:40,153 --> 00:07:43,538
Hey, Better Lily, please
dance for my friend.
208
00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:45,873
Barney, I don't
need a lap dance.
209
00:07:45,875 --> 00:07:48,326
I need to talk
to my friends.
210
00:07:48,328 --> 00:07:50,694
Who says you
can't do both?
211
00:07:50,696 --> 00:07:52,380
Talk to her.
She's got ears.
212
00:07:52,382 --> 00:07:54,531
Yes, she does have ears.
213
00:07:54,533 --> 00:07:56,584
You want to touch my
girlfriend's boobs?
214
00:07:56,586 --> 00:07:58,052
50 bucks.
215
00:07:58,054 --> 00:08:01,722
Wait-- Better Lily
is dating this behemoth?
216
00:08:01,724 --> 00:08:03,841
Sound like anyone
you know?
217
00:08:03,843 --> 00:08:05,542
That's New Marshall.
218
00:08:06,478 --> 00:08:08,946
This is our gang now.
219
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:23,560
Hey, guys, Ted again.
220
00:08:23,562 --> 00:08:25,896
Starting to think
you forgot about me.
221
00:08:25,898 --> 00:08:27,999
Or replaced me
with some cool neighbor.
222
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:29,450
What's his name?!
223
00:08:29,452 --> 00:08:31,235
(chuckling):
I'm totally kidding.
224
00:08:31,237 --> 00:08:32,787
Anyway, uh...
225
00:08:32,789 --> 00:08:34,755
just trying to remember
what your faces look like.
226
00:08:34,757 --> 00:08:36,674
Ted, when they serve alcohol
at a strip club,
227
00:08:36,676 --> 00:08:38,376
you're not allowed
to show your vagina.
228
00:08:38,378 --> 00:08:41,596
100 bucks, and you
will see the world, my friend.
229
00:08:41,598 --> 00:08:43,881
They're already
ignoring my calls?
230
00:08:43,883 --> 00:08:45,433
Look, I'm realistic.
231
00:08:45,435 --> 00:08:48,185
I knew I'd have to get used
to going to the dentist alone,
232
00:08:48,187 --> 00:08:50,054
but I didn't think
they'd cut me out completely.
233
00:08:50,056 --> 00:08:51,055
If they don't
234
00:08:51,057 --> 00:08:53,140
need us, we don't need them.
235
00:08:53,142 --> 00:08:54,942
Yes! Finally!
236
00:08:54,944 --> 00:08:57,812
By the way, did you see
how she opened that bottle?
237
00:09:00,198 --> 00:09:01,666
Whoa.
238
00:09:01,668 --> 00:09:04,585
Lights out in the suburbs
is... is really dark.
239
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:05,936
MARSHALL:
Where's the fuse box?
240
00:09:05,938 --> 00:09:07,238
LILY:
I don't know.
241
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:08,155
(beep)
242
00:09:08,157 --> 00:09:10,074
(singsongy):
I know where it is.
243
00:09:10,076 --> 00:09:13,744
Maybe I could fix it for you,
if I wasn't so busy packing.
244
00:09:13,746 --> 00:09:15,112
MARSHALL:
You know what?
245
00:09:15,114 --> 00:09:17,114
I bet the fuse box
is in the basement.
246
00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:18,633
I'll just... I'll go
find it myself.
247
00:09:18,635 --> 00:09:19,967
How hard can it be?
248
00:09:19,969 --> 00:09:21,135
(Marshall groans)
249
00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:23,387
As hard as that desk
you just walked into?
250
00:09:23,389 --> 00:09:25,589
(guffawing)
251
00:09:27,009 --> 00:09:28,592
Good burn, Mickey.
252
00:09:28,594 --> 00:09:31,562
You deserve a little
nightstand fudge for that one.
253
00:09:31,564 --> 00:09:32,963
KEVIN:
Where do I look?
254
00:09:32,965 --> 00:09:34,649
I mean, I can't lookat her chest.
255
00:09:34,651 --> 00:09:36,017
Damn it! I just did.
256
00:09:36,019 --> 00:09:37,818
Maybe Robin didn't notice.
257
00:09:37,820 --> 00:09:40,637
Man, he's really upin those jugs.
258
00:09:41,690 --> 00:09:42,990
Shake it, baby!
259
00:09:42,992 --> 00:09:44,808
A playa's gotta play!
260
00:09:44,810 --> 00:09:46,277
This is weird.
261
00:09:46,279 --> 00:09:48,579
I'll just look herin the eyes.
262
00:09:48,581 --> 00:09:52,333
Is he falling in lovewith this stripper?
263
00:09:52,335 --> 00:09:53,650
Quick, do something cool.
264
00:09:54,503 --> 00:09:56,037
Make it rain, son!
265
00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:57,338
Money ain't no thang!
266
00:09:57,340 --> 00:10:01,258
Damn it,there was a 20 in there.
267
00:10:04,012 --> 00:10:06,213
(chimes tinkling)
268
00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:10,000
MICKEY (over intercom):
Hello, Mr. Eriksen.
269
00:10:10,002 --> 00:10:11,602
From the sound
of the wind chimes,
270
00:10:11,604 --> 00:10:13,854
I hear you've made it
to the first floor.
271
00:10:13,856 --> 00:10:15,940
Okay... you know what, Mickey?
272
00:10:15,942 --> 00:10:19,643
You can save the creepy
game master routine.
273
00:10:19,645 --> 00:10:22,563
It's only kind of
terrifying me.
274
00:10:22,565 --> 00:10:25,032
Oh, but the game has just begun.
275
00:10:25,034 --> 00:10:27,851
I call it "Try Not to Bang into
All the Furniture and Stuff
276
00:10:27,853 --> 00:10:32,356
on Your Way to the Fuse Box
in the Basement, Marshall."
277
00:10:32,358 --> 00:10:34,625
That's just a working title.
278
00:10:34,627 --> 00:10:36,127
Hey!
279
00:10:36,129 --> 00:10:39,080
Got a little boob glitter
on your eyebrow, Mac Daddy.
280
00:10:39,082 --> 00:10:41,031
Straight pimpin'.
281
00:10:41,033 --> 00:10:43,134
Barney, you got
a little bit, too.
282
00:10:43,136 --> 00:10:45,386
Where?
283
00:10:46,922 --> 00:10:48,055
Did I get it?
284
00:10:48,057 --> 00:10:49,206
Yeah, you got it.
285
00:10:49,208 --> 00:10:50,808
Who needs Marshall
and Lily?
286
00:10:50,810 --> 00:10:52,727
We got a new gang,
287
00:10:52,729 --> 00:10:55,312
and we're all going to
hang out together forever.
288
00:10:55,314 --> 00:10:56,764
My shift is done.
289
00:10:56,766 --> 00:10:57,932
Good-bye.
290
00:10:57,934 --> 00:10:59,550
Wait, stop!
291
00:10:59,552 --> 00:11:02,052
Technically, this song's not
over, so we still own you.
292
00:11:02,054 --> 00:11:04,155
Plus we're best friends!
293
00:11:04,740 --> 00:11:05,940
Where to next?
294
00:11:05,942 --> 00:11:07,441
We go to underground
poker game
295
00:11:07,443 --> 00:11:09,777
in mostly-abandoned
insane asylum.
296
00:11:09,779 --> 00:11:11,445
Yes!
297
00:11:11,447 --> 00:11:13,531
This is gonna be awesome,
298
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:15,549
and when it is, I want
you all to remember
299
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:17,868
who led you there:
Barney Stinson,
300
00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:19,754
new group leader.
301
00:11:30,098 --> 00:11:31,515
(giggles)
Yay!
302
00:11:31,517 --> 00:11:34,751
I'm winning all
your chippies!
303
00:11:36,221 --> 00:11:37,772
Let's not drink
when we're...
304
00:11:37,774 --> 00:11:38,773
I'm thirsty; it's good.
305
00:11:38,775 --> 00:11:40,107
It's good.
306
00:11:40,109 --> 00:11:41,525
(intercom beeps)
307
00:11:41,527 --> 00:11:42,977
LILY (over intercom):
Marshall, I just remembered
308
00:11:42,979 --> 00:11:46,030
I saw a box of matches
in the drawer by the trash can.
309
00:11:46,032 --> 00:11:48,232
Okay, thanks, baby.
310
00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:57,374
Lily, I can't find them.
311
00:11:57,376 --> 00:11:59,710
Looking for these?
312
00:11:59,712 --> 00:12:01,662
(evil chuckle over intercom)
313
00:12:01,664 --> 00:12:03,464
Oh, right, you can't see me.
314
00:12:03,466 --> 00:12:07,384
Um, well, I'm burning the
matches you so desperately need.
315
00:12:07,386 --> 00:12:09,453
(evil laugh)
316
00:12:11,056 --> 00:12:13,274
Aah, ooh, ow!
317
00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:15,142
(over intercom):
Ow.
318
00:12:15,144 --> 00:12:16,177
Hah! Oh!
319
00:12:16,179 --> 00:12:17,344
(laughs)
320
00:12:17,346 --> 00:12:20,130
Mickey... guess who found
the basement stairs?
321
00:12:20,132 --> 00:12:22,466
I'll be down
at that fuse box in no time,
322
00:12:22,468 --> 00:12:24,801
and when I get there,
323
00:12:24,803 --> 00:12:27,971
I'm sure that I'll figure out
how fuse boxes work,
324
00:12:27,973 --> 00:12:29,306
so it'll be fine.
325
00:12:29,308 --> 00:12:30,658
MICKEY (muffled):
Hey, Marshall,
326
00:12:30,660 --> 00:12:32,910
I know I've been
messing with you,
327
00:12:32,912 --> 00:12:35,312
but seriously,
that second step, don't...
328
00:12:35,314 --> 00:12:37,414
I don't want to hear it, Mickey.
329
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:38,532
(yells)
330
00:12:38,534 --> 00:12:41,752
(yelling and crashing)
331
00:12:42,370 --> 00:12:43,420
Oh, my knee!
332
00:12:43,422 --> 00:12:44,371
(cymbals crash)
333
00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:45,372
Ow!
334
00:12:45,374 --> 00:12:48,592
(sighs)
And watch out for my drum set.
335
00:12:50,512 --> 00:12:52,179
I win again!
336
00:12:52,181 --> 00:12:53,430
I was bluffing.
337
00:12:53,432 --> 00:12:55,316
I didn't even have enough cards.
338
00:12:58,053 --> 00:13:00,003
Ted, please stop winning.
339
00:13:00,005 --> 00:13:02,556
Hey, look, it's the
New York City skyline.
340
00:13:02,558 --> 00:13:04,558
♪ We built Chip City
341
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:05,693
Uh, uh!
342
00:13:05,695 --> 00:13:09,029
♪ We built Chip City
on all your dough ♪
343
00:13:09,031 --> 00:13:11,398
♪ Built Chip City
Hit it!
344
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,617
(high-pitched whine)
345
00:13:17,343 --> 00:13:19,343
You know Butterfly-knife.
346
00:13:19,376 --> 00:13:22,378
I'd expect this
from Face Tattoo...
347
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:24,197
or Jagged Cheek Scar,
348
00:13:24,199 --> 00:13:26,933
or Larry,
349
00:13:26,935 --> 00:13:27,767
but not you.
350
00:13:27,769 --> 00:13:29,668
Why don't I get nickname?
351
00:13:29,670 --> 00:13:31,137
Because you have too
many things, Larry.
352
00:13:31,139 --> 00:13:32,355
You get one thing!
353
00:13:32,357 --> 00:13:33,973
(squeals)
354
00:13:33,975 --> 00:13:38,177
(speaking Russian)
355
00:13:38,179 --> 00:13:41,347
See, that's why
you bring New Marshall.
356
00:13:41,349 --> 00:13:44,350
(high-pitched laugh)
357
00:13:47,454 --> 00:13:50,356
We go to party in
slaughterhouse.
358
00:13:50,358 --> 00:13:51,858
You come?
359
00:13:52,409 --> 00:13:54,293
Please, God, no.
360
00:13:54,295 --> 00:13:59,499
(sobbing): Don't let me be in chargeof the gang anymore.
361
00:13:59,501 --> 00:14:01,918
I can't believe Dr. Kevindoesn't remember me
362
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:04,387
from our sessionsthree years ago.
363
00:14:04,389 --> 00:14:05,505
Is that the lunatic
364
00:14:05,507 --> 00:14:07,890
that stabbedall those prison guards?
365
00:14:07,892 --> 00:14:10,092
We gotta hit that party!
366
00:14:10,094 --> 00:14:11,427
(quietly):
I'll never find love.
367
00:14:11,429 --> 00:14:13,712
We got to hit that party!
368
00:14:13,714 --> 00:14:15,982
BOTH (weakly):
Sweet.
369
00:14:16,900 --> 00:14:18,851
Lily?
370
00:14:18,853 --> 00:14:22,438
I think we made a mistake
moving out to the suburbs.
371
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,407
I miss our home.
372
00:14:24,409 --> 00:14:27,360
I miss our booth
with our friends.
373
00:14:27,362 --> 00:14:29,328
(cymbal crashes)
374
00:14:29,330 --> 00:14:33,082
And I'm pretty sure I have
a drumstick...
375
00:14:33,084 --> 00:14:35,735
somewhere bad.
376
00:14:35,737 --> 00:14:38,070
Dad, why are you
acting like this?
377
00:14:38,072 --> 00:14:40,239
Well, I was just
trying to be helpful,
378
00:14:40,241 --> 00:14:42,625
but you guys want me out
by the Fourth of July.
379
00:14:42,627 --> 00:14:43,676
Tomorrow.
380
00:14:43,678 --> 00:14:44,594
(sighs)
381
00:14:44,596 --> 00:14:46,512
You know what
a helpful father,
382
00:14:46,514 --> 00:14:48,965
not to mention grandfather,
might do?
383
00:14:48,967 --> 00:14:51,517
Get these lights back on.
384
00:14:53,253 --> 00:14:55,855
(sighs quietly)
385
00:14:55,857 --> 00:14:56,922
(intercom beeps)
386
00:14:56,924 --> 00:14:58,558
Okay, Marshall, listen up.
387
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,643
I'm gonna get you
to that fuse box.
388
00:15:00,645 --> 00:15:03,646
Can't you just come down here
and do it for me, please?
389
00:15:03,648 --> 00:15:05,698
I don't know anything
about this house.
390
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:06,899
No, Marshall...
391
00:15:06,901 --> 00:15:10,152
you don't know anything
about your house.
392
00:15:13,457 --> 00:15:16,609
All right, we got a lot
of work to do.
393
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:19,328
Wait here,
we get you
394
00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:21,614
on VPI list for party.
395
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:25,134
You give us, uh,
$200 per person.
396
00:15:25,136 --> 00:15:26,335
Cover charge.
397
00:15:26,337 --> 00:15:28,754
That's pretty steep
for a cover charge.
398
00:15:28,756 --> 00:15:30,923
Is very good party.
399
00:15:30,925 --> 00:15:35,828
Is party for, uh, New York
"Yunkees" and Coca-Cola.
400
00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:37,179
Oh, my God.
401
00:15:37,181 --> 00:15:39,181
A Coca-Cola Yankees party?
402
00:15:39,183 --> 00:15:41,400
That sounds like a real thing.
403
00:15:44,021 --> 00:15:46,672
Okay, now, Marshall,
take three steps forward,
404
00:15:46,674 --> 00:15:49,775
while ducking underneath
the broken ceiling fan.
405
00:15:50,911 --> 00:15:52,011
Now look to your left
406
00:15:52,013 --> 00:15:54,030
and spit.
407
00:15:54,032 --> 00:15:55,531
(spits, sizzles)
408
00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:56,666
That's the water heater.
409
00:15:56,668 --> 00:15:58,117
Want to stay away from that.
410
00:15:58,119 --> 00:16:02,371
That baby is hotter than the
Widow Rodriguez in a unitard.
411
00:16:02,373 --> 00:16:06,509
Okay, now past the washer and
dryer is the hardest part.
412
00:16:06,511 --> 00:16:09,845
You're gonna have to belly-crawl
underneath the ping-pong table
413
00:16:09,847 --> 00:16:11,764
and don't so much as nudge it.
414
00:16:11,766 --> 00:16:12,848
Why not?
415
00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:15,685
Because there are
900 dominos set up
416
00:16:15,687 --> 00:16:17,520
in the shape of Barbara Eden.
417
00:16:17,522 --> 00:16:20,139
Big, big I Dream Of Jeannie fan.
418
00:16:24,194 --> 00:16:25,144
I'm clear.
419
00:16:25,146 --> 00:16:26,612
(thud, dominos falling)
420
00:16:28,649 --> 00:16:30,616
(dominos continue falling)
421
00:16:30,618 --> 00:16:33,235
I don't know what
that sound is, Mickey.
422
00:16:33,237 --> 00:16:35,354
That's the sound of Barbara
Eden never banging me.
423
00:16:35,356 --> 00:16:36,405
That's what that is.
424
00:16:36,407 --> 00:16:38,324
Dad, get it back.
425
00:16:38,326 --> 00:16:41,460
(quietly):
Come on.
426
00:16:41,462 --> 00:16:44,046
(beep)
Okay, Marshall,
427
00:16:44,048 --> 00:16:45,748
take three steps forward,
428
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:48,167
and you should be
at the fuse box.
429
00:16:48,169 --> 00:16:50,336
Do you think he made it?
430
00:16:53,924 --> 00:16:55,558
I did it!
431
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,009
No, Marshall...
432
00:16:57,011 --> 00:16:59,228
you did it.
433
00:17:01,682 --> 00:17:03,683
NARRATOR:
Fun fact: that night inspired
434
00:17:03,685 --> 00:17:05,851
Mickey's one and onlysuccessful board game--
435
00:17:05,853 --> 00:17:09,689
♪ With splintery floorboards
and rusty nails ♪
436
00:17:09,691 --> 00:17:14,193
♪ Make sure you don't
get impaled ♪
437
00:17:14,195 --> 00:17:15,461
♪ Lites Out!
438
00:17:15,463 --> 00:17:18,364
MICKEY:
Brought to you by Aldrin Games!
439
00:17:18,366 --> 00:17:20,700
Well, judging from
how many clients
440
00:17:20,702 --> 00:17:22,568
that hooker has serviced,
441
00:17:22,570 --> 00:17:24,170
I'd say we've been
here almost an hour.
442
00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:26,288
Ted, we've been robbed.
443
00:17:26,290 --> 00:17:29,408
Better Lily and New Marshall
would never rob us.
444
00:17:29,410 --> 00:17:31,327
They're our best friends.
445
00:17:31,329 --> 00:17:32,628
(squealing)
446
00:17:32,630 --> 00:17:35,798
(speaking Russian)
447
00:17:36,767 --> 00:17:38,417
Damn it, Ted.
448
00:17:38,419 --> 00:17:40,886
New Marshall is
an escaped zoo bear
449
00:17:40,888 --> 00:17:44,190
and the only thing that Better
Lily is better at than our Lily
450
00:17:44,192 --> 00:17:45,891
is over-the-pants hand stuff.
451
00:17:45,893 --> 00:17:48,260
I'm assuming.
452
00:17:48,262 --> 00:17:49,445
I'll admit it.
453
00:17:49,447 --> 00:17:50,946
I can't lead this group.
454
00:17:50,948 --> 00:17:52,732
We need Marshall and Lily.
455
00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,600
But they're gone, aren't they?
456
00:17:54,602 --> 00:17:57,069
I mean, it'll go from seeing
them a couple times a week,
457
00:17:57,071 --> 00:17:58,871
to a couple times a month,
458
00:17:58,873 --> 00:18:01,207
and then it'll just
be holiday parties.
459
00:18:01,908 --> 00:18:04,076
Then the years pass,
460
00:18:04,078 --> 00:18:05,745
and you find out
Marshall's dead,
461
00:18:05,747 --> 00:18:08,297
and you're there for Lily
emotionally at first,
462
00:18:08,299 --> 00:18:11,617
but then it becomes sexual,
and you feel guilty,
463
00:18:11,619 --> 00:18:14,587
but maybe that guilt just makes
it dirtier and better...
464
00:18:14,589 --> 00:18:15,954
No, I won't let that happen.
465
00:18:15,956 --> 00:18:17,506
Especially that last part.
466
00:18:18,675 --> 00:18:21,126
Look, I know I've been a little
drunk and naive tonight,
467
00:18:21,128 --> 00:18:22,178
but here's what's gonna happen.
468
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:23,512
First, we're gonna leave a note
469
00:18:23,514 --> 00:18:25,564
for Better Lily and Arvydas,
they're worriers.
470
00:18:25,566 --> 00:18:27,016
Oh, buddy.
Then,
471
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:29,769
we're gonna go see Only Marshall
and One-Of-A-Kind Lily
472
00:18:29,771 --> 00:18:31,136
because they're our best friends
473
00:18:31,138 --> 00:18:32,471
and they're only
46 minutes away.
474
00:18:32,473 --> 00:18:33,739
Are you with me?
475
00:18:33,741 --> 00:18:36,025
Kind of resent the power grab,
but okay, let's go!
476
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:37,142
Hey,
477
00:18:37,144 --> 00:18:38,994
do you want to come to
Long Island with us?
478
00:18:38,996 --> 00:18:42,448
Uh, well, still a few more
hours before the sun comes up.
479
00:18:42,450 --> 00:18:44,166
BOTH:
So...
480
00:18:44,168 --> 00:18:45,751
No.
No?
481
00:18:45,753 --> 00:18:46,652
Is that bad?
482
00:18:46,654 --> 00:18:49,371
(exhales)
No, it's great.
483
00:18:49,373 --> 00:18:50,840
Ooh, that felt so good.
484
00:18:50,842 --> 00:18:53,158
I hate doing things
and going anywhere!
485
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,426
Oh, new experiences suck!
486
00:18:54,428 --> 00:18:55,628
(laughing)
487
00:18:55,630 --> 00:18:57,847
While we're at it,
I hate high-fiving you!
488
00:18:57,849 --> 00:18:59,014
I know.
489
00:18:59,016 --> 00:19:00,382
We're adults who are
sleeping together,
490
00:19:00,384 --> 00:19:02,218
not teens pledging a frat.
491
00:19:06,973 --> 00:19:10,392
Oh, man, I reallyliked the high-five.
492
00:19:10,394 --> 00:19:14,680
NARRATOR: The next morning, Marshalland Lily woke up to a surprise.
493
00:19:14,682 --> 00:19:17,867
(wind chimes clatter)
494
00:19:20,787 --> 00:19:23,772
Hey, what are... what
are you guys doing here?
495
00:19:23,774 --> 00:19:28,160
Just wanted to make
sure this key worked.
496
00:19:28,162 --> 00:19:30,529
(sighs)
We missed you.
497
00:19:30,531 --> 00:19:32,631
Give mama a hug.
498
00:19:33,717 --> 00:19:35,701
ALL:
Oh...
499
00:19:35,703 --> 00:19:37,469
Don't check your voicemail.
500
00:19:37,471 --> 00:19:39,255
Y-You might have
a couple weird ones.
501
00:19:39,257 --> 00:19:40,890
You hear this?!
502
00:19:40,892 --> 00:19:42,992
This is the sound
of me moving on.
503
00:19:42,994 --> 00:19:45,010
(whooping)
504
00:19:45,012 --> 00:19:46,395
(giggles)
505
00:19:47,831 --> 00:19:52,101
Yeah, I'm a stripper.
506
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:55,137
Okay, who wants pancakes?
507
00:19:55,139 --> 00:19:56,438
(gasps)
508
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,441
Which two of you want pancakes?
509
00:19:59,443 --> 00:20:00,576
I'll make more.
510
00:20:00,578 --> 00:20:01,610
Oh, good-good-good,
'cause I want pancakes.
511
00:20:01,612 --> 00:20:02,695
There you go.
512
00:20:02,697 --> 00:20:03,946
Thank you, okay.
513
00:20:03,948 --> 00:20:05,381
Enjoy them.
514
00:20:05,383 --> 00:20:07,149
Hey, honey, look,
515
00:20:07,151 --> 00:20:08,617
I'm sorry I was a jerk before.
516
00:20:08,619 --> 00:20:11,003
Okay? I'll leave
right after breakfast.
517
00:20:11,005 --> 00:20:12,671
I'll crash with some friends.
518
00:20:12,673 --> 00:20:14,123
Dad, you know what?
519
00:20:14,125 --> 00:20:15,407
You can stay.
520
00:20:15,409 --> 00:20:16,258
Oh, thank God.
521
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:18,243
I got no friends.
522
00:20:18,245 --> 00:20:20,095
I'll be here two weeks, tops.
523
00:20:20,097 --> 00:20:23,132
NARRATOR:
It wasn't two weeks.
524
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:24,917
Would the fiveof us always live
525
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:26,852
within a few minutesof that booth?
526
00:20:26,854 --> 00:20:30,845
No, that's life, kids,but here's what I discovered.
527
00:20:31,923 --> 00:20:34,340
Our booth was whereverthe five of us were together.
528
00:20:34,874 --> 00:20:38,874
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
529
00:20:41,177 --> 00:20:42,861
That's right, Widow Rodriguez.
530
00:20:42,863 --> 00:20:44,196
Stretch it.
531
00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:45,847
Work those gams.
532
00:20:45,849 --> 00:20:47,716
Ooh, yeah.
533
00:20:47,718 --> 00:20:49,401
Grab that left arm.
534
00:20:49,403 --> 00:20:51,703
Clutch that chest.
535
00:20:51,705 --> 00:20:54,249
Fall down really fast.
536
00:20:54,514 --> 00:20:57,003
Oh, my God!
Somebody call 911!
37500
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