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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:00,354 --> 00:00:02,934
NARRATOR:
Kids, on New Year's Day 2012,
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00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:04,936
Uncle Marshall took a tripto Minnesota
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00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,921
to see someone he truly missed.
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00:00:11,727 --> 00:00:14,029
Hey, Pop.
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00:00:14,031 --> 00:00:16,247
I can't believe
it's been a year.
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00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:19,233
I think the most appropriate way
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00:00:19,235 --> 00:00:22,570
to honor your memory today...
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00:00:22,572 --> 00:00:23,872
is to get blasted
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00:00:23,874 --> 00:00:25,840
and watch the Vikings
make the Bears
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00:00:25,842 --> 00:00:26,958
their furry little bitches.
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00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960
Go, Vikes!
MOURNER: Shh.
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00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:30,679
Sorry for your loss.
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00:00:30,681 --> 00:00:33,181
(softly): Which is what
we'll be saying to the Bears
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00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:34,599
in about three hours,
right, Pop?
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00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,385
NARRATOR: Kids, tailgatingat the Vikings-Bears game
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00:00:37,387 --> 00:00:40,388
was a traditionfor Uncle Marshall and his dad.
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00:00:40,390 --> 00:00:41,806
That's how
the government
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00:00:41,808 --> 00:00:44,425
covered up the UFO crash
in Roswell:
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00:00:44,427 --> 00:00:47,946
by canning the sliced up
alien carcasses
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00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:54,919
and calling it Spam.
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00:00:54,921 --> 00:00:56,154
Wow.
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00:00:56,156 --> 00:00:58,540
Is there anything
you don't know, Dad?
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00:00:58,542 --> 00:00:59,774
No.
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00:00:59,776 --> 00:01:01,609
I know most stuff.
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00:01:01,611 --> 00:01:03,995
And in your honor...
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00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,966
three decades of pork fat,
lighter fluid and Bengay.
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(sniffs)
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Dear God, that's the stuff.
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00:01:11,671 --> 00:01:14,339
So much to catch you up on.
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00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:17,475
So, last night
was New Year's Eve.
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That's a crazy story.
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00:01:19,462 --> 00:01:21,880
MARSHALL: So you haven't told your dadthat you're pregnant yet?
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No. But why should I?
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00:01:24,467 --> 00:01:26,300
My dad has never
been there for me.
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00:01:26,302 --> 00:01:28,970
This is just another chance
for him to let me down.
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00:01:28,972 --> 00:01:31,906
Lily, you have to tell him.
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00:01:31,908 --> 00:01:34,993
He's at some board game
convention in Chicago.
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00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:37,579
He's your dad.
(sighs)
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00:01:37,581 --> 00:01:39,247
I don't see why people
aren't getting this.
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00:01:39,249 --> 00:01:40,532
Shoplifter
does not promote crime.
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It celebrates it.
(phone ringing)
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00:01:46,322 --> 00:01:47,872
Hey, Dad.
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00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:51,509
I'm, uh, calling with
some pretty big news.
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I'm pregnant.
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Great. Thanks.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x13 ♪
Tailgate
Original Air Date on January 2, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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MARSHALL: Anyway, Dad, Ted and Barney'sNew Year's Eve
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wasn't offto a great start, either.
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00:02:14,618 --> 00:02:16,151
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. It's 50 bucks,
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00:02:16,153 --> 00:02:17,351
and the line
starts out there.
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00:02:17,353 --> 00:02:19,353
Uh, we're regulars.
Oh, in that case,
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00:02:19,355 --> 00:02:21,206
the line starts out there,
and it's 50 bucks.
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00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,024
You got a problem
with that?
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NARRATOR: Kids, here's why we didn't havea problem with that.
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And he was even scarierwithout the toupee.
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00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:31,966
No problem.
It's a little drafty.
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00:02:31,968 --> 00:02:33,751
We'll get you
a nice hot cocoa.
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00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,506
Check it out.
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00:02:38,508 --> 00:02:40,809
Sandy Rivers'
New Year's Eve show.
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(scoffs) Thank God
I don't have to produce
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00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,262
this frozen pile
of poo.
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00:02:44,264 --> 00:02:45,513
How'd you dodge
that bullet?
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00:02:45,515 --> 00:02:48,733
Well, maybe Tina,
the producer, he, uh, picked,
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00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:50,351
is more talented
than I am...
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00:02:50,353 --> 00:02:53,188
at lying down while Sandy
does his business on her.
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00:02:53,190 --> 00:02:55,356
Does it bother you
that this pervert's
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00:02:55,358 --> 00:02:56,858
on the air,
and you're not anymore?
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00:02:56,860 --> 00:02:58,193
Do you miss it?
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00:02:58,195 --> 00:02:59,527
(laughs)
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What? Why would...
why would I miss it?
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00:03:02,582 --> 00:03:04,749
No. I would rather
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00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:07,919
be warm and cozy
here in denial-- my apartment.
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00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,420
Robin,
I'm no therapist--
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00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:11,372
wait, yes, I am--
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00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:14,075
but I've got a New Year's
resolution for you.
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00:03:14,077 --> 00:03:15,409
Get back on camera.
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00:03:15,411 --> 00:03:18,763
Mine was going to be "make
a sex tape," so... two birds.
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(phone rings)
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Hold that thought.
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00:03:22,219 --> 00:03:23,935
Hello?
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Sandy?
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Tina quit.
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00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:29,023
The woman I love just quit.
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00:03:29,025 --> 00:03:31,142
Love?
She's my everything, Robin.
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00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:34,729
My sun, my stars, my oxygen.
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00:03:34,731 --> 00:03:37,482
Plus, she likes it
fast and dirty,
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00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,617
and that's how Sandy rides.
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00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,536
I need you here ASAP.
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MARSHALL:
Are you kidding me?
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Marcus?
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00:03:44,407 --> 00:03:45,790
What the heck
are you doing here?
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00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,742
What the heck are you
doing here?
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00:03:47,744 --> 00:03:51,045
I wanted to see Dad today--
in private.
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00:03:51,047 --> 00:03:52,780
Well, I had the same idea,
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00:03:52,782 --> 00:03:55,884
and I drove all the way
from Mom's, so get lost.
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00:03:55,886 --> 00:03:58,303
I flew here, so you get lost.
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00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:00,505
Um, I'm trying to have
a poignant moment
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00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:03,508
with our departed father,
turd face.
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00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,310
Well, I'm trying
to feel Dad's spirit
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00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,896
flow through my soul,
butt breath.
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00:04:07,898 --> 00:04:09,480
I'm reaching out to the beyond
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00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:12,300
to touch Dad's inner light,
ass clown.
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00:04:12,302 --> 00:04:15,570
I hear Dad's voice
like an ethereal song
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00:04:15,572 --> 00:04:18,907
guiding me toward salvation,
douche nozzle.
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00:04:19,825 --> 00:04:21,859
- Dibs on Dad.
- Dibs on Dad times infinity.
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00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,161
Oh!
Ooh.
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00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,079
I'll just pretend
like you're not here.
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00:04:26,448 --> 00:04:27,665
(stammers) What?
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00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,684
Dad, do you hear something?
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00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:33,705
Perhaps the high-pitched whine
of someone who wet their bed
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00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,340
until they were 11!
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00:04:35,342 --> 00:04:36,541
Ten.
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00:04:37,593 --> 00:04:41,679
Anyway, Dad, since it's just
the two of us...
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00:04:43,165 --> 00:04:45,300
Lily and I
were going to spend New Year's
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00:04:45,302 --> 00:04:46,684
unpacking the baby room.
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00:04:46,686 --> 00:04:49,887
Um, sweetie, why
is this book in here?
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00:04:49,889 --> 00:04:51,606
That's Enigmas of The Mystical.
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00:04:51,608 --> 00:04:52,690
It's all about
mysterious
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00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:54,192
and unexplained phenomena.
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00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,978
Don't you remember the TV
commercials from the '80s?
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00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:59,230
ANNOUNCER:
June 17th, 1983.
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00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,898
Tempe, Arizona.
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00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:03,101
A woman makesa chicken salad sandwich.
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00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,019
EERIE WHISPERING:
Chicken salad sandwich.
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00:05:05,021 --> 00:05:06,904
ANNOUNCER: Halfway across the countryin Michigan,
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00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:08,623
her daughteris compelled to make
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00:05:08,625 --> 00:05:11,525
almost exactlythe same sandwich.
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EERIE WHISPERING:
Tuna salad.
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00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:14,512
ANNOUNCER:
Coincidence?
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00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:17,165
Or an enigma of the mystical!
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00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,883
(thunder crashing)
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00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:22,503
Yeah, those enigmas
always seemed a bit thin to me.
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00:05:22,505 --> 00:05:25,473
Thin?
Lily, this is 200 pages
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00:05:25,475 --> 00:05:29,043
of detailed accounts
about Bigfoot, ghosts,
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00:05:29,045 --> 00:05:31,429
aliens abducting people from
their beds and probing them.
139
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:33,147
I'm going to read it
to Baby Eriksen
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00:05:33,149 --> 00:05:34,382
at night-night.
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00:05:34,384 --> 00:05:36,351
You really want
to read our kid
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00:05:36,353 --> 00:05:37,902
bedtime stories about monsters?
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00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,737
First of all,
I wouldn't use the "M" word.
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00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:40,989
Only they can call
themselves that.
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00:05:40,991 --> 00:05:42,390
And secondly,
are you really saying
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00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:44,492
you don't want to raise
our child as a believer?
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00:05:44,494 --> 00:05:46,444
(chuckles) I don't want
to brainwash our child
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00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,496
to believe in something
with no proof.
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00:05:48,498 --> 00:05:50,231
It's not about proof;
it's about faith.
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00:05:50,233 --> 00:05:52,500
Faith is what gives life
shape and meaning.
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00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:54,419
I mean, if there aren't yetis
or leprechauns,
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00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,504
what's the point of even
getting up in the morning?
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00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:57,789
I don't know.
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00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,508
Wife, unborn child,
drop a deuce?
155
00:06:00,510 --> 00:06:03,711
Lily, don't you think
it's a bit narcissistic
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00:06:03,713 --> 00:06:07,048
not to allow for something
bigger than us out there?
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00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:09,467
Something whose
beauty and power
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00:06:09,469 --> 00:06:11,686
and majesty humbles us?
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00:06:11,688 --> 00:06:13,521
God?
Werewolves.
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00:06:14,306 --> 00:06:16,357
(crowd cheering)
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00:06:16,359 --> 00:06:19,060
So, as the countdown
to 212 continues,
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00:06:19,062 --> 00:06:20,812
a quick warning, America:
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00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,815
Tina Henderson
is a soulless bitch
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who will stomp on your heart.
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00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:29,203
(crying):
I need you back, Tina.
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00:06:29,205 --> 00:06:31,122
I love you.
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00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,825
Well, if that's as bad
as it gets, we might be okay.
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00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:35,943
Bathroom break.
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00:06:37,162 --> 00:06:38,413
(unzipping)
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00:06:38,415 --> 00:06:39,714
Oh, good.
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00:06:39,716 --> 00:06:41,916
It's on the Jumbotron.
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00:06:41,918 --> 00:06:43,384
Oh, finally.
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00:06:43,386 --> 00:06:44,618
Yeah, that'll be
100 bucks each.
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00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:46,471
What? You said 50.
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00:06:46,473 --> 00:06:48,639
That was before
the place got crowded.
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00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:49,790
Okay? It's
New Year's Eve.
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00:06:49,792 --> 00:06:51,092
People get rowdy
and break stuff.
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00:06:51,094 --> 00:06:52,260
The cover protects us.
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00:06:52,262 --> 00:06:54,729
Plus, you get these
festive hats.
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00:06:54,731 --> 00:06:56,797
For an additional
15 bucks.
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00:06:56,799 --> 00:06:58,683
They're wet.
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00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:00,268
Dry ones are 20.
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00:07:00,270 --> 00:07:01,819
That's it.
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00:07:01,821 --> 00:07:03,488
Don't bother,
everybody.
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00:07:03,490 --> 00:07:04,906
MacLaren's is a rip-off!
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00:07:04,908 --> 00:07:06,157
(scoffs)
You'd all be better off
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00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,476
coming upstairs
to my place for a beer.
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00:07:08,478 --> 00:07:10,745
Hey, dude. You serious?
189
00:07:11,646 --> 00:07:15,333
Ted, do you remember
a couple yea ago,
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00:07:15,335 --> 00:07:18,652
we had the best idea
of a time?
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00:07:18,654 --> 00:07:20,004
We should buy a bar.
192
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,507
Of course! We could buy a bar!
193
00:07:22,509 --> 00:07:24,292
The name of
our bar?
194
00:07:24,294 --> 00:07:26,794
Puzzles.
195
00:07:26,796 --> 00:07:29,163
People will be like,
"Why is it called Puzzles?"
196
00:07:29,165 --> 00:07:31,682
That's the puzzle.
197
00:07:31,684 --> 00:07:34,502
A bar where no
one's overcharged,
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00:07:34,504 --> 00:07:37,605
where everyone feels
valued and respected.
199
00:07:37,607 --> 00:07:39,190
A bar...
200
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:42,193
where we get chicks drunk
and bang them.
201
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,145
We're opening
Puzzles tonight.
202
00:07:44,147 --> 00:07:47,365
Of course we're opening
Puzzles tonight!
203
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:50,851
Aren't you going to ask us
why it's called Puzzles?
204
00:07:50,853 --> 00:07:52,453
Nope.
205
00:07:52,455 --> 00:07:54,322
Okay.
206
00:07:54,324 --> 00:07:57,792
ROBIN: Okay, we're back
live in 30 seconds.
207
00:07:57,794 --> 00:07:59,160
I don't know.
208
00:07:59,162 --> 00:08:02,130
Uht's see if he's
still wearing his mic.
209
00:08:02,132 --> 00:08:04,582
SANDY:
Taxi, take me to Tina's house.
210
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,250
50 West 67th.
211
00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:07,802
MAN:
Sir, this is a falafel stand,
212
00:08:07,804 --> 00:08:09,220
and you're sitting
in the hummus.
213
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,555
(sighs)
214
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:11,923
Okay.
215
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,392
Run the montage of people who
died this year until I get back.
216
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:15,593
And add Sandy,
217
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:17,812
because when I find him,
I'm going to kill him.
218
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,138
- Anyway, Dad...
- Stop hogging Dad already.
219
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:31,408
- I've got stuff to tell him, too.
- Like what?
220
00:08:31,410 --> 00:08:33,510
You're still living with Mom,
and you have no job.
221
00:08:34,345 --> 00:08:35,645
Go ahead.
222
00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:37,681
So, anyway...
223
00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:41,401
8th July, 1972
(screams)
224
00:08:41,403 --> 00:08:42,569
Cheyenne, Wyoming.
225
00:08:42,571 --> 00:08:45,405
A hunter spots
a hairy form in the fore.
226
00:08:45,407 --> 00:08:46,690
Bigfoot.
227
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:47,858
His story
is dismissed
228
00:08:47,860 --> 00:08:50,410
because, to be honest,
he'd been drinking
229
00:08:50,412 --> 00:08:52,979
and had a history
of mental problems.
230
00:08:52,981 --> 00:08:54,581
But was it a hoax?
231
00:08:54,583 --> 00:08:56,533
Or was it an enigma of the...
232
00:08:56,535 --> 00:08:59,035
It was an idiot
in a gorilla suit.
233
00:08:59,037 --> 00:09:00,987
Enigma.
Gorilla suit.
234
00:09:00,989 --> 00:09:04,174
Enigma!
Gorilla suit!
235
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:05,825
Marshall? Marcus?
236
00:09:05,827 --> 00:09:07,928
What are you guys doing he?
237
00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:09,930
Having a private
moment with Dad.
238
00:09:09,932 --> 00:09:13,016
No, I'm having
a private moment with Dad.
239
00:09:13,018 --> 00:09:16,269
No, I'm having
a private moment with Dad.
240
00:09:16,271 --> 00:09:17,854
ANNOUNCER:
Touchdown, Vikings!
241
00:09:17,856 --> 00:09:19,672
(whooping)
Boom! Yeah!
242
00:09:19,674 --> 00:09:21,108
(celebratory laughter)
243
00:09:21,110 --> 00:09:23,310
(laughter stops abruptly)
244
00:09:25,797 --> 00:09:27,164
Anyway, Dad,
245
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:30,117
since it's still
just the two of us,
246
00:09:30,119 --> 00:09:32,685
I'll go on.
247
00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:39,409
I've always envisioned Puzzles
as a literary salon,
248
00:09:39,411 --> 00:09:41,545
where Gotham's intelligentsia
hold court
249
00:09:41,547 --> 00:09:43,880
on art, philosophy
and literature.
250
00:09:43,882 --> 00:09:45,382
Great.
251
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:48,418
And while you're distracting
the nerds and fatties,
252
00:09:48,420 --> 00:09:50,703
I'll be in the VIP room
getting it in.
253
00:09:50,705 --> 00:09:52,589
Uh, yeah, dude,
I don't know
254
00:09:52,591 --> 00:09:55,258
where you got a velvet rope,
but you can't
255
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:57,394
use my room
for anonymous sex.
256
00:09:57,396 --> 00:09:59,346
I'm kind of a neat freak
that way.
257
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:01,214
Hey, guys, I have an idea
for Puzzles.
258
00:10:01,216 --> 00:10:03,251
(inhaling through teeth)
What if... What?
259
00:10:07,573 --> 00:10:09,489
Oh. Okay. I understand.
260
00:10:09,491 --> 00:10:10,890
But hey we like
your energy.
261
00:10:10,892 --> 00:10:12,637
How would you like
to be our star bartender.
262
00:10:12,638 --> 00:10:13,387
(gasps)
263
00:10:13,412 --> 00:10:14,894
I've always wanted
to be a bartender.
264
00:10:14,896 --> 00:10:16,196
It's just like
being a therapist.
265
00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:17,843
You listen to people's problems,
pretend to care,
266
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:19,068
but you can drink openly,
267
00:10:19,168 --> 00:10:21,501
instead of having to hide
your booze in a coffee mug.
268
00:10:21,503 --> 00:10:22,836
Great. Oh,
check it out.
269
00:10:22,838 --> 00:10:25,422
We worked out
a theme song for Puzzles.
270
00:10:25,424 --> 00:10:26,923
While I was carrying
100-pound kegs
271
00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:28,925
up four flights of stairs?
Awesome.
272
00:10:28,927 --> 00:10:31,211
♪ ♪
273
00:10:34,382 --> 00:10:37,417
♪ Puzzles is a place
where people go ♪
274
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:40,387
♪ To feel like they belong ♪
275
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:43,523
♪ Gonna take advantage
of dumb drunk girls ♪
276
00:10:43,525 --> 00:10:45,058
No, we're not.
277
00:10:45,060 --> 00:10:46,810
♪ That would be wrong ♪
278
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:51,531
♪ A place where wit
and wisdom bloom ♪
279
00:10:53,284 --> 00:10:56,936
♪A place to bang chicks
in Ted's room ♪
280
00:10:56,938 --> 00:10:59,573
- Not gonna happen.
- We'll talk about it.
281
00:10:59,575 --> 00:11:03,910
♪ At Puzzles,
we all fit together ♪
282
00:11:03,912 --> 00:11:06,246
♪ And I'm the bartender! ♪
283
00:11:06,248 --> 00:11:08,265
(inhales sharply)
284
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:09,583
I'll go get
the other kegs.
285
00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:10,584
Probably a good idea.
286
00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,004
We got to work out
some harmonies.
287
00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,722
♪ And I'm right here ♪
♪ No, you actually down here ♪
288
00:11:15,724 --> 00:11:18,058
Excuse me, sir?
About the TVs,
289
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:19,759
we in the middle
burying my aunt, so...
290
00:11:19,761 --> 00:11:21,595
Oh I'm sorry.
We'll keep it down.
291
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,897
No, I just want
to check out the score.
292
00:11:23,899 --> 00:11:26,233
Actually, I'm trying to have
293
00:11:26,235 --> 00:11:28,301
a private moment
with my dad, so...
294
00:11:28,326 --> 00:11:29,487
Oh.
295
00:11:29,488 --> 00:11:31,821
It's just that I used to goto Vikes's
296
00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:34,574
with my aunt;
may she rest in peace.
297
00:11:40,081 --> 00:11:42,082
Anyway, so back
to my story.
298
00:11:43,618 --> 00:11:46,336
She also loved burgers.
299
00:11:50,841 --> 00:11:54,594
So now,
back to my story.
300
00:11:54,596 --> 00:11:56,546
Aunt Laura sure loved
a toasted bun.
301
00:12:02,219 --> 00:12:04,387
Tina, please tell me
Sandy's here.
302
00:12:04,389 --> 00:12:06,640
Don't worry, he's here.
303
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:08,892
And we're back...
together!
304
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,227
He told me he loves me,
he's sorry,
305
00:12:11,229 --> 00:12:13,396
and I'm the only girl for him.
306
00:12:14,515 --> 00:12:16,866
You know, since we'll here,
307
00:12:16,868 --> 00:12:19,069
and we're all horny...
308
00:12:20,788 --> 00:12:23,189
I don't know
what went wrong.
309
00:12:23,191 --> 00:12:24,941
Well, proposing the
three-way was bad,
310
00:12:24,943 --> 00:12:26,376
starting without us
was worse,
311
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:28,945
finishing in the hallway was
the nail in the coffin.
312
00:12:28,947 --> 00:12:30,297
No! Stop drinking!
313
00:12:30,299 --> 00:12:32,582
I gotta get you
back on air!
314
00:12:32,584 --> 00:12:34,200
But I'm single and
ready to mingle!
315
00:12:34,202 --> 00:12:36,419
Hello, there.
316
00:12:36,421 --> 00:12:40,173
Oh, the Twitter-verse
blowing up about
317
00:12:40,175 --> 00:12:42,258
a new apartment-themed bar
called Puzzles.
318
00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:43,560
Why is it called
Puzzles?
319
00:12:43,562 --> 00:12:45,312
That's the puzzle!
320
00:12:45,314 --> 00:12:48,014
Anyway, this VIP room
has a maximum occupancy
321
00:12:48,016 --> 00:12:50,934
of two people including me,
so eeny...
322
00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:53,820
and the rest
of you may go.
323
00:12:54,772 --> 00:12:57,907
It's funny,
but it seems each time
324
00:12:57,909 --> 00:13:01,027
I read James Joyce's Ulysses,
325
00:13:01,029 --> 00:13:03,396
it's a different book,
326
00:13:03,398 --> 00:13:06,533
begging the question:
Has the book changed...
327
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:08,952
or have I?
328
00:13:08,954 --> 00:13:10,503
(belches loudly)
329
00:13:10,505 --> 00:13:12,038
(glass breaks)
330
00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,741
Okay, people are getting rowdy
and drunk and breaking things.
331
00:13:14,743 --> 00:13:16,909
I know this goes against
the Puzzles mission statement
332
00:13:16,911 --> 00:13:19,462
you made me memorize, but we
gotta raise our drink prices.
333
00:13:19,464 --> 00:13:22,182
All right, just a little bit
so no one will notice.
334
00:13:26,420 --> 00:13:28,221
ALL:
Boo!
335
00:13:29,306 --> 00:13:30,890
Poodles sucks!
336
00:13:30,892 --> 00:13:33,393
MARSHALL: And that's when the nightturned to absolute crap.
337
00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:38,648
♪ At Puzzles,
we all fit together ♪
338
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:45,622
♪ On sunny days
or stormy weather ♪
339
00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:49,626
♪ So pull up a chair and sit'♪
340
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:52,379
(vomits)
♪ To share and stories to tell ♪
341
00:13:52,381 --> 00:13:56,616
♪ Puzzles is a place where
everybody feels at home ♪
342
00:13:56,618 --> 00:13:59,419
BARNEY: ♪ And we bang chicks
in Ted's room. ♪
343
00:13:59,421 --> 00:14:01,954
What-what do, what do,
what do we do?
344
00:14:01,956 --> 00:14:04,090
MARSHALL:
And so Puzzles got a bouncer,
345
00:14:04,092 --> 00:14:06,309
All right, you know what,
you guys?
346
00:14:11,565 --> 00:14:12,606
No. No, no, no, no, no,
you said double
347
00:14:12,607 --> 00:14:14,023
what MacLaren's
was paying me.
348
00:14:14,802 --> 00:14:17,136
And why isn't anyone wearing
the hats I brought up?!
349
00:14:20,257 --> 00:14:22,442
"November 14th...(shrieks)
350
00:14:22,444 --> 00:14:23,410
"1982.
351
00:14:23,412 --> 00:14:26,780
"Everglades National Park,
Florida.
352
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:29,649
"Five mysterious lights dance
in the night sky.
353
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:32,285
"A ray shoots down,
lifting the park ranger,
354
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:35,872
"who, to be fair, was going
through a bad divorce
355
00:14:35,874 --> 00:14:40,126
and had a habit of lying
to get attention."
356
00:14:40,128 --> 00:14:42,045
I hate this job, Sandy!
357
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,264
I went into journalism
to make a difference,
358
00:14:44,266 --> 00:14:46,800
but you have made
that impossible.
359
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:48,718
You know, to be honest,
it hasn't been
360
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,687
an easy couple months for me.
I've made mistakes.
361
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:53,106
I've felt alone.
I had to let go of dreams
362
00:14:53,108 --> 00:14:54,724
I didn't even know I had.
363
00:14:54,726 --> 00:14:56,943
So here's the deal:
364
00:14:56,945 --> 00:14:58,344
You're gonna get
back on air
365
00:14:58,346 --> 00:14:59,979
and count us
into a better year,
366
00:14:59,981 --> 00:15:04,567
because I just can't do
2011 anymore. You with me?
367
00:15:04,569 --> 00:15:06,986
He's not with me, is he?
368
00:15:13,305 --> 00:15:15,423
Anyway, Dad, where was I?
369
00:15:16,084 --> 00:15:17,368
You know what?
Fine, get out of here!
370
00:15:17,370 --> 00:15:19,620
We don't need ya!
371
00:15:21,456 --> 00:15:24,425
And why doesn't anybody
like these hats?
372
00:15:24,427 --> 00:15:28,429
I made these hats.
373
00:15:28,431 --> 00:15:30,097
It's because
they' wet, Doug.
374
00:15:30,099 --> 00:15:32,716
Why are they all wet?!
375
00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:34,835
Were those our last customers?
376
00:15:34,837 --> 00:15:36,854
Let me go check
the bathroom.
377
00:15:39,641 --> 00:15:41,275
(blows note on horn)
378
00:15:41,277 --> 00:15:43,527
You must be
from the escort service.
379
00:15:45,013 --> 00:15:50,734
The scenario is high school
wrestling match.
380
00:15:50,736 --> 00:15:52,736
(phone rings)
381
00:15:54,239 --> 00:15:55,188
Hello?
382
00:15:55,190 --> 00:15:57,791
So get this:
I lost Sandy Rivers.
383
00:15:57,793 --> 00:15:59,793
Funny you should mention that.
384
00:15:59,795 --> 00:16:00,861
It's almost midnight!
385
00:16:00,863 --> 00:16:02,880
What am I gonna do,
go on the air myself?
386
00:16:02,882 --> 00:16:06,050
Listen... Wait. Yeah, do that!
387
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,718
No, I-I can't actually.
388
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,554
Yes, you can. It's what you
really want and you deserve it.
389
00:16:10,556 --> 00:16:12,556
Kevin, that's not how it works.
390
00:16:12,558 --> 00:16:13,974
Sounds like that's
your only choice.
391
00:16:13,976 --> 00:16:16,060
New York's a big city.
392
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:18,228
Sandy Rivers
could be anywhere.
393
00:16:19,514 --> 00:16:22,416
And... wrestle!
394
00:16:23,985 --> 00:16:25,569
Hey.
395
00:16:25,571 --> 00:16:28,388
I'm sorry, baby.
396
00:16:28,390 --> 00:16:30,074
I just...
I want our kid
397
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:32,409
to believe that the
universe is magical.
398
00:16:32,411 --> 00:16:34,445
You know, like
my dad taught me.
399
00:16:34,447 --> 00:16:36,363
You know what
my dad taught me?
400
00:16:36,365 --> 00:16:38,615
Nothing...
'cause he was never there.
401
00:16:40,835 --> 00:16:44,872
"June 22nd, 1996,
Brooklyn, New York.
402
00:16:44,874 --> 00:16:48,742
"A man misses his daughter's
high school graduation.
403
00:16:48,744 --> 00:16:50,961
"Later, she discovers
her babysitting money
404
00:16:50,963 --> 00:16:52,963
"has been spent on
a board game called
405
00:16:52,965 --> 00:16:55,966
Who Stole The
Babysitting Money?"
406
00:16:55,968 --> 00:16:58,052
He never saw
the irony in that.
407
00:16:58,054 --> 00:17:01,555
"December 31st, 2011.
408
00:17:01,557 --> 00:17:05,559
"A woman calls her father
to tell him she's pregnant.
409
00:17:05,561 --> 00:17:08,645
says, 'Great. Thanks,'
and hangs up on her."
410
00:17:08,647 --> 00:17:12,099
And after pushing
her to call him,
411
00:17:12,101 --> 00:17:16,620
a Big Foot is discovered
in her husband's mouth.
412
00:17:17,739 --> 00:17:19,940
I'm glad you're
a believer, baby,
413
00:17:19,942 --> 00:17:24,661
but I'm never gonna believe
in an "enigma of the mystical"
414
00:17:24,663 --> 00:17:27,831
unless I see it
with my own eyes.
415
00:17:27,833 --> 00:17:29,750
Because the truth is,
416
00:17:29,752 --> 00:17:34,254
my father never taught me
believe in anything but myself.
417
00:17:34,256 --> 00:17:38,092
Well, if it helps at all,
I believe in you, too.
418
00:17:39,978 --> 00:17:43,013
Then there's a pretty
good chance I don't exist.
419
00:17:43,015 --> 00:17:44,264
How dare you?!
420
00:17:44,266 --> 00:17:46,299
(chuckles)
421
00:17:48,086 --> 00:17:50,354
Oh, my God!
422
00:17:50,356 --> 00:17:53,190
This is Robin Scherbatsky
filling in for Sandy Rivers.
423
00:17:53,192 --> 00:17:55,075
You know, America,
424
00:17:55,077 --> 00:17:58,412
tonight I've been groped,
stepped in puke
425
00:17:58,437 --> 00:17:59,447
and until 10 minutes ago
426
00:17:59,448 --> 00:18:03,500
had no idea I would be
on national television.
427
00:18:03,502 --> 00:18:04,718
That's my girl.
428
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,006
But that's the magic
of New Year's.
429
00:18:07,031 --> 00:18:08,931
When that clock
strikes midnight,
430
00:18:08,991 --> 00:18:10,424
we all get a fresh start.
431
00:18:10,426 --> 00:18:14,595
And I don't know about you,
but I could really use one.
432
00:18:14,597 --> 00:18:18,465
And that magic moment
starts in ten...
433
00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:20,167
nine...
434
00:18:20,169 --> 00:18:23,487
NARRATOR: That night became a turningpoint in Robin's career.
435
00:18:26,524 --> 00:18:28,392
But we'll get to that.
436
00:18:29,477 --> 00:18:31,028
They're nice hats, Doug.
437
00:18:31,030 --> 00:18:34,014
They're wet
but they're nice.
438
00:18:34,016 --> 00:18:37,017
...three, two, one.
439
00:18:37,019 --> 00:18:39,203
(all cheering)
440
00:18:41,206 --> 00:18:43,073
And that's the story
of New Year's Eve.
441
00:18:43,075 --> 00:18:44,958
You know, I've been thinking
442
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,628
that the reason I got so intense
with Lily
443
00:18:47,630 --> 00:18:51,131
about Enigmas of the Mystical
is that, well...
444
00:18:51,133 --> 00:18:53,250
Could you pass the pickles?
445
00:18:54,919 --> 00:18:57,921
...with you gone, I feel
the mystical a little less.
446
00:18:57,923 --> 00:19:00,090
Can you hand me the chips?
447
00:19:00,092 --> 00:19:02,926
Sometimes
I feel you a little less.
448
00:19:02,928 --> 00:19:06,713
That's why today was
so important because I just...
449
00:19:06,715 --> 00:19:07,881
I needed to...
450
00:19:10,718 --> 00:19:14,905
Did you just open a beer
on my father's headstone?
451
00:19:14,907 --> 00:19:16,406
Actually, it's a hard cider.
452
00:19:16,408 --> 00:19:19,660
NARRATOR: And just as he was aboutto lose it...
453
00:19:19,662 --> 00:19:21,445
Hey, Marvin, can you
pass me a burger?
454
00:19:21,447 --> 00:19:22,863
Hey, not Marvin. Marshall.
455
00:19:22,865 --> 00:19:25,232
Sorry, it's just,
you're so much like your pop.
456
00:19:25,234 --> 00:19:27,835
Your Uncle Marshallthought back
457
00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:29,786
to all those tailgateswith his father.
458
00:19:31,572 --> 00:19:33,406
Hey, mind if I grab one?
459
00:19:33,408 --> 00:19:35,909
The more the merrier!
All right.
460
00:19:35,911 --> 00:19:43,383
♪ The time has come
to heal our wounds ♪
461
00:19:43,385 --> 00:19:50,757
♪ The time has come,
it's coming soon...
462
00:19:50,759 --> 00:19:54,061
And he realized that maybeprivate moments are overrated.
463
00:19:54,063 --> 00:19:55,312
You know what?
464
00:19:56,981 --> 00:19:58,365
The more the merrier.
465
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:01,034
Hey, guys.
466
00:20:01,036 --> 00:20:04,771
♪ The time has come
to heal the wounds. ♪
467
00:20:07,909 --> 00:20:08,792
Happy New Year.
468
00:20:08,794 --> 00:20:10,544
BOTH:
Happy New Year.
469
00:20:13,298 --> 00:20:16,650
January 1st, 2012,East Meadow, New York.
470
00:20:16,652 --> 00:20:20,320
A woman answers her door tofind something more enigmatic
471
00:20:20,322 --> 00:20:22,956
and mysterious than Bigfootor the Loch Ness Monster.
472
00:20:22,958 --> 00:20:24,341
Dad?
473
00:20:24,343 --> 00:20:26,059
Hey.
474
00:20:26,061 --> 00:20:27,728
I thought you were in Chicago.
475
00:20:27,730 --> 00:20:29,580
I was.
476
00:20:29,582 --> 00:20:32,766
Great. Thanks.
477
00:20:32,768 --> 00:20:35,736
My daughter's having a baby!
478
00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:42,576
Did you drive all night?
479
00:20:42,578 --> 00:20:43,694
Yeah.
480
00:20:43,696 --> 00:20:47,080
Well, Teddy and I
split the drive.
481
00:20:47,082 --> 00:20:49,950
This guy's a maniac
behind the wheel.
482
00:20:51,286 --> 00:20:53,086
Congrats, Princess.
483
00:20:57,709 --> 00:20:59,009
Happy New Year, Dad.
484
00:20:59,011 --> 00:21:03,011
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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