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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:00,542 --> 00:00:02,492 NARRATOR: Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney 2 00:00:02,493 --> 00:00:05,035 had reveled in mocking Aunt Robin's Canadian heritage. 3 00:00:05,549 --> 00:00:07,687 To have to grow up in Canada... 4 00:00:07,688 --> 00:00:09,704 with America right there. 5 00:00:09,706 --> 00:00:12,124 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 6 00:00:12,126 --> 00:00:15,894 Why? Why do we let you be a country?! 7 00:00:15,896 --> 00:00:20,715 NARRATOR: But all that was about to change. 8 00:00:20,717 --> 00:00:22,217 I was on Facebook. 9 00:00:22,219 --> 00:00:24,603 Nobody cool's on Facebook anymore. 10 00:00:24,605 --> 00:00:26,522 Well, you know who is on Facebook now? 11 00:00:26,524 --> 00:00:28,073 Everybody's parents. 12 00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:30,559 And I just happen to be friends 13 00:00:30,561 --> 00:00:32,727 with Barney's long-lost father, 14 00:00:32,729 --> 00:00:34,229 Mr. Jerome Whitaker. - Me, too. 15 00:00:34,231 --> 00:00:35,864 He's gotten really good at Bejeweled Blitz. 16 00:00:35,866 --> 00:00:39,918 And guess who thought my status update about Manitoba was 17 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:45,123 so interesting because his mother was born in Manitoba? 18 00:00:45,125 --> 00:00:46,458 What? 19 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:48,743 Which means your grandmother... 20 00:00:48,745 --> 00:00:49,645 No... 21 00:00:49,647 --> 00:00:50,762 Which makes you... 22 00:00:50,764 --> 00:00:51,964 Don't say it! 23 00:00:51,966 --> 00:00:53,015 ...one-quarter Canadian! 24 00:00:53,017 --> 00:00:55,601 ("Oh, Canada" plays) 25 00:00:55,603 --> 00:00:57,636 Welcome to the tribe, hoser! 26 00:00:57,638 --> 00:00:59,721 No... 27 00:00:59,723 --> 00:01:01,857 it's not true! 28 00:01:01,859 --> 00:01:03,775 That's impossible! 29 00:01:05,395 --> 00:01:07,196 (gasps) 30 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:12,669 ♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x08 ♪ The Slutty Pumpkin Returns Original Air Date on October 31, 2011 31 00:01:12,670 --> 00:01:16,670 == sync, corrected by elderman == 32 00:01:21,971 --> 00:01:24,330 NARRATOR: Once upon a time at a Halloween party, 33 00:01:24,331 --> 00:01:26,731 I met a girl dressed like a pumpkin... 34 00:01:26,733 --> 00:01:27,732 a slutty pumpkin. 35 00:01:27,734 --> 00:01:29,951 And she was extraordinary. 36 00:01:29,953 --> 00:01:32,671 But she gave me her number on a Kit Kat bar, 37 00:01:32,673 --> 00:01:35,006 which was tragically given away as Halloween candy. 38 00:01:35,008 --> 00:01:36,958 So every year I return to that same party 39 00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,510 hoping I'd see her again. 40 00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:42,697 But with every passing October, that hope grew a little dimmer. 41 00:01:42,699 --> 00:01:45,667 Then one day, after ten years of searching... 44 00:01:50,023 --> 00:01:52,924 This might sound creepy, but do you have a record 45 00:01:52,926 --> 00:01:54,593 of who rented it in 2001? 46 00:01:57,613 --> 00:01:58,930 Wow, that was easy. 47 00:01:58,932 --> 00:02:00,815 You're not the first lovelorn young man 48 00:02:00,817 --> 00:02:01,933 to walk through that door. 49 00:02:01,935 --> 00:02:04,236 Three girls got proposals off 50 00:02:04,238 --> 00:02:07,155 my wife's slutty artichoke costume. 51 00:02:07,157 --> 00:02:10,492 Two others disappeared, but I focus on the positive. 52 00:02:10,494 --> 00:02:13,211 I couldn't believe it. I actually had her address. 53 00:02:13,213 --> 00:02:15,430 I knew I had to play this right. 54 00:02:15,432 --> 00:02:19,134 It's not like I could just walk up and knock on her door. 55 00:02:22,838 --> 00:02:26,124 Hi, you probably don't remember me, but... 56 00:02:26,126 --> 00:02:28,626 Halloween, ten years ago. 57 00:02:29,428 --> 00:02:31,897 Now that's a slow play. 58 00:02:31,899 --> 00:02:35,800 The next day, Lily and Marshall headed out 59 00:02:35,802 --> 00:02:37,319 to Lily's grandparents for dinner. 60 00:02:37,321 --> 00:02:39,304 Marshall loved it out in the 'burbs. 61 00:02:39,306 --> 00:02:40,972 Look how many fireflies I caught! 62 00:02:40,974 --> 00:02:44,142 Don't forget to poke holes in the jar this time. 63 00:02:44,944 --> 00:02:47,979 Now we have a nice surprise for you. 64 00:02:49,081 --> 00:02:51,366 Whatever it is, we're saying no. 65 00:02:51,368 --> 00:02:53,501 - What? - You know what. 66 00:02:53,503 --> 00:02:54,753 Every time we're here, 67 00:02:54,755 --> 00:02:57,038 my grandparents stick us with some big old piece of junk 68 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,489 they're getting rid of. 69 00:02:58,491 --> 00:03:01,343 It's like the world's worst Showcase Showdown. 70 00:03:01,345 --> 00:03:05,046 It's a perfectly usable lawnmower! 71 00:03:05,048 --> 00:03:06,464 (laughs gleefully) 72 00:03:06,466 --> 00:03:08,016 We live in an apartment! 73 00:03:08,018 --> 00:03:09,267 But maybe someday 74 00:03:09,269 --> 00:03:10,719 when we move to the suburbs... 75 00:03:10,721 --> 00:03:12,554 We're never moving to the suburbs! 76 00:03:12,556 --> 00:03:13,638 And you also get... 77 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,141 this skinny microphone! 78 00:03:16,143 --> 00:03:17,892 Oh! 79 00:03:17,894 --> 00:03:21,346 Before we head out to our place in Florida, 80 00:03:21,348 --> 00:03:23,865 we wanted to give our favorite granddaughter 81 00:03:23,867 --> 00:03:25,533 a little something. 82 00:03:25,535 --> 00:03:29,871 Ooh, it's so small. I love it! 83 00:03:29,873 --> 00:03:32,374 - A key? - We're giving you the house. 84 00:03:32,376 --> 00:03:36,161 Lily, I know you've always hated the suburbs... 85 00:03:36,163 --> 00:03:38,797 We'll take it! 86 00:03:38,799 --> 00:03:41,583 NARRATOR: For my first date with the slutty pumpkin, 87 00:03:41,585 --> 00:03:43,218 I took her someplace special. 88 00:03:43,220 --> 00:03:44,869 Ted, this is so romantic. 89 00:03:44,871 --> 00:03:46,805 The spot where we first met 90 00:03:46,807 --> 00:03:48,506 ten years ago. 91 00:03:48,508 --> 00:03:50,592 Do you remember the song that was playing that night? 92 00:03:50,594 --> 00:03:53,345 I remember how beautiful you looked. 93 00:03:53,347 --> 00:03:56,047 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 94 00:03:56,049 --> 00:03:58,984 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry." ♪ 95 00:03:58,986 --> 00:04:00,935 Is that, uh, the Barenaked Ladies, huh? 96 00:04:00,937 --> 00:04:02,604 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪ 97 00:04:02,606 --> 00:04:04,823 ♪ Saying, "Get that together. Come back and see me." ♪ 98 00:04:04,825 --> 00:04:09,077 Kids, it took me ten years, but I finally kissed her. 99 00:04:09,079 --> 00:04:12,563 And it was... terrible. 100 00:04:19,771 --> 00:04:21,271 Lily, you hate the suburbs. 101 00:04:21,387 --> 00:04:23,854 I know, but my grandparents giving us a house 102 00:04:23,856 --> 00:04:25,389 right when the baby's on the way? 103 00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:26,506 It's perfect timing. 104 00:04:26,508 --> 00:04:28,525 This is great. I'm finally gonna be able 105 00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:30,844 to barbecue with proper ventilation. 106 00:04:32,180 --> 00:04:33,731 Marshall! (coughing) 107 00:04:34,699 --> 00:04:36,233 We're moving to the suburbs, baby! 108 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,235 Oh... 109 00:04:38,237 --> 00:04:40,738 Okay. 110 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,623 Baby, you're not moving to the suburbs. 111 00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:43,574 Why not? 112 00:04:43,576 --> 00:04:44,958 Lily is only agreeing 113 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,710 to all this because of Pregnancy Brain. 114 00:04:46,712 --> 00:04:48,796 Pregnancy Brain? That's not a thing. 115 00:04:48,798 --> 00:04:50,030 It's totally a thing. 116 00:04:50,032 --> 00:04:54,668 Her brain is marinating in a cocktail of hormones, 117 00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:57,254 mood swings and jacked-up nesting instincts. 118 00:04:57,256 --> 00:05:00,557 I mean, yes, right now Lily is a goddess 119 00:05:00,559 --> 00:05:02,309 bestowing the miracle of life, 120 00:05:02,311 --> 00:05:04,845 but damn, she dumb! 121 00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:08,182 Well, I have noticed some stuff. 122 00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:11,018 I can't find my keys or wallet anywhere! 123 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,053 I found them... 124 00:05:13,055 --> 00:05:15,555 here in the freezer. 125 00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:17,524 Hey, but where are the ice cube trays? 126 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,643 No idea. 127 00:05:21,079 --> 00:05:25,065 (sobbing): Those poor ice cubes! 128 00:05:25,067 --> 00:05:28,085 I guess she has been a little off lately. 129 00:05:28,087 --> 00:05:29,920 A little? She just texted me 130 00:05:29,922 --> 00:05:32,773 wanting directions back from the bathroom. 131 00:05:32,775 --> 00:05:36,293 Oh. We're over here! 132 00:05:37,412 --> 00:05:39,179 You're doing great, sweetie! 133 00:05:39,181 --> 00:05:42,249 That moron should not be making big life decisions right now. 134 00:05:42,251 --> 00:05:43,884 If you let her move to the suburbs, 135 00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:45,936 it would be like taking advantage 136 00:05:45,938 --> 00:05:47,471 of a helpless drunk chick. 137 00:05:47,473 --> 00:05:49,690 What? Where?! 138 00:05:49,692 --> 00:05:52,359 Oh, I got a girlfriend, right. 139 00:05:54,629 --> 00:05:56,447 Baby, we should put off moving. 140 00:05:56,449 --> 00:05:57,448 Why? 141 00:05:57,450 --> 00:05:59,199 Because I think the pregnancy is 142 00:05:59,201 --> 00:06:00,284 affecting your judgment. 143 00:06:00,286 --> 00:06:04,772 No, Marshall, this is an amazing opportunity 144 00:06:04,774 --> 00:06:07,107 that we have to take advantage of! 145 00:06:07,109 --> 00:06:09,710 Just because my body is growing a fungus... 146 00:06:09,712 --> 00:06:11,211 Fetus. 147 00:06:11,213 --> 00:06:12,479 ...doesn't mean that my metal factories... 148 00:06:12,481 --> 00:06:14,214 Meal faculties. 149 00:06:14,216 --> 00:06:16,300 ...are in any way funicular. 150 00:06:17,969 --> 00:06:19,470 No idea. 151 00:06:20,305 --> 00:06:24,007 Mmm... (slurps) 152 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:25,459 This is nice. What is this? 153 00:06:25,461 --> 00:06:26,626 Canadian whiskey. 154 00:06:28,229 --> 00:06:31,131 I want scotch! 155 00:06:31,133 --> 00:06:35,519 American scotch from Scotland! 156 00:06:35,521 --> 00:06:37,971 Get that swill away from me! 157 00:06:37,973 --> 00:06:39,656 (hisses) 158 00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,243 Why are you doing this to me? 159 00:06:43,245 --> 00:06:45,112 You have been ripping on Canada 160 00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:47,647 since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snow blower. 161 00:06:47,649 --> 00:06:50,650 So now this Canuck's gonna beat on you 162 00:06:50,652 --> 00:06:53,504 like the drummer from Yukon Blonde hopped up on Timbits. 163 00:06:53,506 --> 00:06:55,756 - Hey. - Hey! 164 00:06:55,758 --> 00:06:56,707 How was your 165 00:06:56,709 --> 00:06:58,509 big date with the Snuffy Tuffkin? 166 00:06:58,511 --> 00:06:59,826 The Sniffy Napkin? 167 00:06:59,828 --> 00:07:03,380 The Slouchy Foreskin? 168 00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:04,664 Lily tie-tie. 169 00:07:04,666 --> 00:07:08,268 It was good... ish. 170 00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:11,838 Look, there's Orion's Belt. 171 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,106 Oh. 172 00:07:13,108 --> 00:07:15,225 Why does holding hands feel this weird? 173 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,394 Should our fingers not intertwine? 174 00:07:17,396 --> 00:07:20,647 What's causing that pinching feeling? 175 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,849 I'll just cup her hand. 176 00:07:22,851 --> 00:07:25,185 There. That's... 177 00:07:25,187 --> 00:07:27,204 not great. 178 00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:34,027 Her hair's up my nose. 179 00:07:34,029 --> 00:07:37,548 Her shoulder's jabbing into my windpipe. 180 00:07:37,550 --> 00:07:39,299 Maybe if we reposition. 181 00:07:44,472 --> 00:07:45,872 I have to say something. 182 00:07:45,874 --> 00:07:47,391 She must be feeling it, too. 183 00:07:47,393 --> 00:07:49,209 This feels so right. 184 00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:52,012 We fit like two puzzle pieces. 185 00:07:52,014 --> 00:07:53,230 Yeah. 186 00:07:53,232 --> 00:07:56,600 Ted, I know you've waited ten years for this girl, 187 00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,718 but some things just aren't meant to be. 188 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:00,854 Not so fast. At the end of the night, 189 00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:03,657 when I leaned in and somehow accidentally kissed 190 00:08:03,659 --> 00:08:06,660 her open eyeball, there was a slight flicker of something 191 00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:09,746 I might even call chemistry... 192 00:08:09,748 --> 00:08:11,248 adjacent. 193 00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:13,400 Thank you. 194 00:08:13,402 --> 00:08:14,918 Wait. 195 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,005 Where is my cash? 196 00:08:18,007 --> 00:08:19,590 Oh, yeah, 197 00:08:19,592 --> 00:08:22,292 I did a little exchange for ya, Canucklehead. 198 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:25,712 This Canadian dollar here is called a "loonie." 199 00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:30,100 And this two-dollar coin? A "toonie." True story. 200 00:08:30,102 --> 00:08:33,270 It's federal currency and you people talk about it 201 00:08:33,272 --> 00:08:35,305 like it's a Hannah- Barbera character. 202 00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:38,225 Not you people, Barney. 203 00:08:38,227 --> 00:08:39,726 Our people. 204 00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:42,195 NARRATOR: Even though my first date with Naomi was 205 00:08:42,197 --> 00:08:43,363 a little awkward, 206 00:08:43,365 --> 00:08:45,432 our second date was a lot awkward. 207 00:08:45,434 --> 00:08:46,867 Mmm...! 208 00:08:46,869 --> 00:08:49,903 This is the worst kissing of all time! 209 00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:50,937 Mmm... 210 00:08:50,939 --> 00:08:52,739 How could she possibly be into this? 211 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:53,624 (moans loudly) 212 00:08:53,626 --> 00:08:55,075 She sounds like those cows in 213 00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:56,443 Temple Grandin's hug machines. 214 00:08:56,445 --> 00:08:58,712 Do you want to listen to some music? 215 00:08:58,714 --> 00:08:59,563 Uh-huh! 216 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,169 ("One Week" plays) 217 00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:07,754 Ted, this is our song. 218 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,890 Let's make love to this song. 219 00:09:11,476 --> 00:09:13,677 ♪ Chickety China, the Chinese chicken ♪ 220 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:15,295 ♪ Have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin' ♪ 221 00:09:15,297 --> 00:09:16,763 Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom. 222 00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:18,765 ♪ X-Files with no lights on, we're dans la maison. ♪ 223 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:23,437 Hey, doofus! 224 00:09:23,439 --> 00:09:25,439 It's me: you at age 15. 225 00:09:25,441 --> 00:09:26,657 And we made a deal 226 00:09:26,659 --> 00:09:29,993 we would always boink any chick that wants to boink us! 227 00:09:29,995 --> 00:09:31,244 Yes, she's beautiful, 228 00:09:31,246 --> 00:09:33,580 it's just there's no connection there. 229 00:09:33,582 --> 00:09:35,148 I don't feel intimate with her. 230 00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:36,950 "Intimate"? Let me remind you of some things 231 00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:39,286 you did feel "intimate" with when you were 15: 232 00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:40,420 a catcher's mitt, 233 00:09:40,422 --> 00:09:42,989 an oven mitt, a glass of warm water, 234 00:09:42,991 --> 00:09:46,627 a half-open hide-a-bed sofa, a top-loading VCR! 235 00:09:46,629 --> 00:09:47,878 It's not gonna happen! 236 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,514 Come on! 237 00:09:50,516 --> 00:09:53,684 It'll take, like, 30 seconds! 238 00:09:55,169 --> 00:09:56,520 Naomi, listen... 239 00:09:56,522 --> 00:09:59,523 Shh... 240 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:03,694 You like that, Ted? 241 00:10:03,696 --> 00:10:04,861 Hmm. 242 00:10:04,863 --> 00:10:08,398 Do you ike it when I caress your hair? 243 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,851 Your hair is so nice to caress. 244 00:10:11,853 --> 00:10:13,954 Why is she saying that word? 245 00:10:13,956 --> 00:10:16,406 I like to caress your hair. 246 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:20,243 There it is again! "Caress!" Who says that? 247 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:23,246 Caress. 248 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,866 The thing is, I like her, okay? 249 00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,969 I really, really like her. 250 00:10:28,971 --> 00:10:32,139 I just don't seem to like anything she says or does. 251 00:10:32,974 --> 00:10:34,891 I have to break up with her, don't I? 252 00:10:34,893 --> 00:10:35,942 All: Yes! 253 00:10:35,944 --> 00:10:37,978 After you sleep with her, yes! 254 00:10:39,046 --> 00:10:40,714 Marshall, I've been thinking about what you said. 255 00:10:40,716 --> 00:10:43,567 You're right, we shouldn't move to the suburbs. 256 00:10:43,569 --> 00:10:46,603 Let's not make any huge life decisions right now. 257 00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:48,522 Is this because you tried to make waffles 258 00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:49,723 with the laptop this morning? 259 00:10:49,725 --> 00:10:53,160 Anyway, I'm gonna call a real estate broker 260 00:10:53,162 --> 00:10:54,945 to come look at the house tomorrow. 261 00:10:54,947 --> 00:10:56,546 Oh, by the way, 262 00:10:56,548 --> 00:10:58,699 I ordered those Minnesota Vikings drapes. 263 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:01,918 You're right, they're totally gonna class up our apartment. 264 00:11:04,722 --> 00:11:07,641 Okay, yes. It's wrong to bang a drunk chick. 265 00:11:07,643 --> 00:11:10,744 But you're an idiot if you don't get, like, a little something. 266 00:11:13,264 --> 00:11:14,264 Yo, Canada. 267 00:11:14,266 --> 00:11:16,383 What? Dammit! 268 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:18,251 Ha, you answer to "Canada" now. 269 00:11:20,071 --> 00:11:21,354 I'll make you a deal. 270 00:11:21,356 --> 00:11:22,723 You wear this costume 271 00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:24,641 to the Halloween party tomorrow night, 272 00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:26,810 I'll drop it forever. 273 00:11:29,697 --> 00:11:31,732 You can't be serious. 274 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:34,651 Oh, I am as serious as a poutine shortage 275 00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:37,237 in Chicoutimi during a curling bonspiel. 276 00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:40,940 I don't know what any of those words mean. 277 00:11:40,942 --> 00:11:43,126 Yes. You do. 278 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:47,781 (doorbell rings) 279 00:11:47,783 --> 00:11:50,133 Oh, that must be the broker. Marshall, will you get it? 280 00:11:50,135 --> 00:11:52,302 Sure. Of course. 281 00:11:52,304 --> 00:11:55,222 Trick or treat! 282 00:11:55,224 --> 00:11:57,624 Oh, my gosh. How cute! 283 00:11:57,626 --> 00:11:59,392 I'm sorry, we don't have any candy. 284 00:11:59,394 --> 00:12:01,178 Um, we forgot about trick-or-treaters. 285 00:12:01,180 --> 00:12:02,395 We don't get any where we live. 286 00:12:02,397 --> 00:12:05,315 Yup. Only get this kind of cuteness 287 00:12:05,317 --> 00:12:06,650 in the suburbs. 288 00:12:08,469 --> 00:12:13,490 Oh. Look at how sweet and happy and unarmed they all are! 289 00:12:13,492 --> 00:12:16,660 Are you using adorable little children in costumes 290 00:12:16,662 --> 00:12:17,828 to manipulate me? - Bye! 291 00:12:17,830 --> 00:12:19,979 I mean, did you even call a real estate broker? 292 00:12:19,981 --> 00:12:21,865 No. 293 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,950 I've got Pregnancy Brain like a fiddle 294 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:27,420 and I've been playing you like a fox. 295 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:35,145 ♪ Oh, Canada... ♪ 296 00:12:35,147 --> 00:12:40,550 ♪ Our home and native land... ♪ 297 00:12:40,552 --> 00:12:42,519 (sobbing) 298 00:12:42,521 --> 00:12:45,522 NARRATOR: I knew it would be tough to break up with Naomi. 299 00:12:45,524 --> 00:12:48,225 But when it's just not there, you can't force it. 300 00:12:51,946 --> 00:12:53,480 Happy Halloween. 301 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:56,983 And just like that, I was taken back ten years... 302 00:12:56,985 --> 00:13:00,153 to the hopeful kid in the hanging chad costume, 303 00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:03,022 falling head over heels for the Slutty Pumpkin. 304 00:13:03,024 --> 00:13:05,909 I made you something. 305 00:13:08,629 --> 00:13:11,381 - Oh. - Your costume from that first night. 306 00:13:11,383 --> 00:13:14,084 Although you do realize that even ten years ago, 307 00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:16,920 the hanging chad reference was like almost a year old. 308 00:13:16,922 --> 00:13:19,372 (laughs) Wow... 309 00:13:19,374 --> 00:13:21,258 I can't believe you made this. 310 00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:23,543 I can't believe you found me. 311 00:13:23,545 --> 00:13:26,847 TED: Stay strong, Teddy. We can do this. 312 00:13:26,849 --> 00:13:28,648 I... 313 00:13:28,650 --> 00:13:31,101 "Have to break up with you," just say it. 314 00:13:31,986 --> 00:13:33,353 Love... Wait, what? 315 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,721 No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 316 00:13:34,723 --> 00:13:36,823 Say sunsets! Pancakes! Anything! 317 00:13:36,825 --> 00:13:38,057 Just don't say... 318 00:13:38,059 --> 00:13:39,359 You. 319 00:13:39,361 --> 00:13:42,445 No! 320 00:13:46,444 --> 00:13:47,994 Barney? Where are you? 321 00:13:48,039 --> 00:13:49,906 You're moving slower than John Diefenbaker 322 00:13:49,908 --> 00:13:52,575 climbing Mount Hungabee on Boxing Day. 323 00:13:52,577 --> 00:13:54,877 Those are all real references to our shared homeland. 324 00:13:54,879 --> 00:13:56,379 BARNEY: I'll be right there. 325 00:13:56,381 --> 00:14:00,550 Can't wait to see you in your costume, Dudley Do-Right. 326 00:14:00,552 --> 00:14:02,468 ♪ Living in America ♪ 327 00:14:02,470 --> 00:14:03,970 ♪ Ow! ♪ 328 00:14:03,972 --> 00:14:05,805 ♪ Eye to eye ♪ 329 00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:08,391 ♪ Station to station ♪ 330 00:14:08,393 --> 00:14:11,644 ♪ Living in America ♪ 331 00:14:11,646 --> 00:14:14,180 ♪ Hand in hand ♪ 332 00:14:14,182 --> 00:14:16,716 ♪ Across the nation ♪ 333 00:14:16,718 --> 00:14:20,586 ♪ Living in America ♪ 334 00:14:20,588 --> 00:14:24,490 ♪ Got to have a celebration ♪ 335 00:14:24,492 --> 00:14:27,827 ♪ Rock my soul ♪ 336 00:14:27,829 --> 00:14:30,163 ♪ Ow! ♪ 337 00:14:30,165 --> 00:14:32,448 If we move here, you're just going to have that baby, 338 00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:34,200 and then you're going to hate me 339 00:14:34,202 --> 00:14:36,536 for letting you do this. I'm going to love it here. 340 00:14:36,538 --> 00:14:40,123 Oh, we'd have so much room in the suburbs. 341 00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:44,326 You can get that pinball machine you've always wanted. 342 00:14:44,328 --> 00:14:47,380 You can put it anywhere you want. 343 00:14:47,382 --> 00:14:50,099 Stop it. You don't know what you're saying. 344 00:14:50,101 --> 00:14:51,551 Anywhere. 345 00:14:51,553 --> 00:14:55,054 Upstairs, downstairs... 346 00:14:55,056 --> 00:14:57,356 you can stick it in the back. 347 00:14:58,559 --> 00:15:01,894 Lily, I want to be inside this house so bad. 348 00:15:01,896 --> 00:15:04,831 USA! USA! 349 00:15:04,833 --> 00:15:06,132 USA! 350 00:15:06,134 --> 00:15:07,533 Come on! 351 00:15:07,535 --> 00:15:09,869 Okay, so rather than wearing a Mountie costume 352 00:15:09,871 --> 00:15:11,320 and end this forever, 353 00:15:11,322 --> 00:15:13,189 you show up shirtless to an outdoor party? 354 00:15:13,191 --> 00:15:14,540 It's practically November. 355 00:15:14,542 --> 00:15:16,959 No biggie. I ain't cold. 356 00:15:16,961 --> 00:15:18,961 Huh. Interesting. 357 00:15:18,963 --> 00:15:20,463 It's fascinating. 358 00:15:20,465 --> 00:15:23,499 Almost as if your body was accustomed to low temperatures 359 00:15:23,501 --> 00:15:26,385 after generations of adapting. 360 00:15:26,387 --> 00:15:27,970 (whispering): Canada. 361 00:15:27,972 --> 00:15:29,055 No. 362 00:15:29,057 --> 00:15:31,874 Guys, hey. Robin, Barney, this is Naomi. 363 00:15:31,876 --> 00:15:33,259 - Hey. - Hey. 364 00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:35,928 Nice to meet you guys. 365 00:15:35,930 --> 00:15:39,265 I'm gonna go make some Tootsie Rolls. It's a drink I invented. 366 00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:40,233 There's a song and dance 367 00:15:40,235 --> 00:15:41,768 that goes along with it, but I have to 368 00:15:41,770 --> 00:15:43,102 drink three of them before I can do it. 369 00:15:45,222 --> 00:15:46,873 Oh. Okay. You go. 370 00:15:46,875 --> 00:15:48,691 This way. 371 00:15:50,110 --> 00:15:53,229 Sounds delicious. In theory. 372 00:15:53,231 --> 00:15:55,564 But you never know until you taste it. 373 00:15:55,566 --> 00:15:59,902 Ted... have you tasted her Tootsie Roll? 374 00:15:59,904 --> 00:16:00,920 Of course not. 375 00:16:00,922 --> 00:16:03,172 - Ow. - Wait. Have you? 376 00:16:04,124 --> 00:16:05,291 (gasps) 377 00:16:05,293 --> 00:16:07,760 You had sex with someone you have zero feelings for! 378 00:16:07,762 --> 00:16:09,078 U-S-A! 379 00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,129 U-S... 380 00:16:10,131 --> 00:16:12,265 Stop it. 381 00:16:12,267 --> 00:16:14,100 Just no part of it felt right. 382 00:16:14,102 --> 00:16:16,385 At first there was too much eye contact, then not enough. 383 00:16:16,387 --> 00:16:18,420 Where do you look during sex? 384 00:16:18,422 --> 00:16:21,057 Um, into the hidden camera at future me watching it. 385 00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:24,310 Okay. Wait. How does 386 00:16:24,312 --> 00:16:26,562 saying "I want to break up with you" lead into sex? 387 00:16:26,564 --> 00:16:29,866 I didn't say "I want to break up with you," exactly. 388 00:16:29,868 --> 00:16:31,484 What did you say, exactly? 389 00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:34,737 "I love you." 390 00:16:34,739 --> 00:16:37,273 Classic Schmosby. 391 00:16:37,275 --> 00:16:38,341 (sighs) 392 00:16:38,343 --> 00:16:42,829 Marshall, this house wants you so bad. 393 00:16:42,831 --> 00:16:45,248 "Mow my lawn. 394 00:16:45,250 --> 00:16:46,883 "Rake my leaves. 395 00:16:46,885 --> 00:16:48,751 Winterize my pipes"" 396 00:16:48,753 --> 00:16:49,919 Yes! 397 00:16:49,921 --> 00:16:51,587 Yes! I'm coming... 398 00:16:51,589 --> 00:16:53,289 to terms with this decision! 399 00:16:53,291 --> 00:16:55,224 (doorbell rings) Oh! 400 00:16:55,226 --> 00:16:57,093 Trick or treat! 401 00:16:57,095 --> 00:16:57,810 Yay! 402 00:16:57,812 --> 00:17:00,012 Okay. 403 00:17:00,814 --> 00:17:03,099 Oh. 404 00:17:03,101 --> 00:17:04,433 Happy Halloween. 405 00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:09,355 - Lily. - Yeah? 406 00:17:09,357 --> 00:17:10,823 You just gave those children 407 00:17:10,825 --> 00:17:13,976 a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors, 408 00:17:13,978 --> 00:17:16,279 and a pretty decent Pinot Noir. 409 00:17:16,281 --> 00:17:17,663 I did? 410 00:17:18,582 --> 00:17:20,533 Oh, my God. 411 00:17:20,535 --> 00:17:24,370 (sobbing): I'm going to miss that stapler so much. 412 00:17:26,790 --> 00:17:29,926 I'm not doing so great, am I? 413 00:17:29,928 --> 00:17:31,961 Maybe not. 414 00:17:33,714 --> 00:17:36,799 We shouldn't make any huge life decisions 415 00:17:36,801 --> 00:17:38,434 right now, should we? 416 00:17:38,436 --> 00:17:43,272 Hey, look, I love you and I-I love the idea of raising 417 00:17:43,274 --> 00:17:45,358 our kids with a lawn and a white picket fence, 418 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,509 but we have our whole lives to decide when 419 00:17:47,511 --> 00:17:49,812 and if we want to do that. 420 00:17:49,814 --> 00:17:52,014 Do what? 421 00:17:52,016 --> 00:17:54,567 Let's get you home. 422 00:17:59,957 --> 00:18:01,624 Ooh. 423 00:18:01,626 --> 00:18:04,193 KID: That's for the stapler! 424 00:18:04,195 --> 00:18:06,362 I hate the suburbs. 425 00:18:08,582 --> 00:18:09,916 (sighs) 426 00:18:09,918 --> 00:18:10,917 Naomi... 427 00:18:10,919 --> 00:18:12,534 We have to end this. 428 00:18:12,536 --> 00:18:13,535 W-- huh? 429 00:18:13,537 --> 00:18:15,171 I'm sorry, Tootsie Rolls make me 430 00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:17,556 really honest. 431 00:18:17,558 --> 00:18:22,395 Ted... I know you're super into me. 432 00:18:23,347 --> 00:18:24,847 But we are terrible together. 433 00:18:24,849 --> 00:18:26,515 Wait, what? 434 00:18:26,517 --> 00:18:30,853 I've been trying, saying things felt good that didn't just to... 435 00:18:32,439 --> 00:18:35,324 I thought saying it was good would make it feel good, but... 436 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,829 ...it always felt off. 437 00:18:39,831 --> 00:18:42,248 (both sigh) 438 00:18:42,250 --> 00:18:45,334 NAOMI: Why won't he stop sniffing my hair? 439 00:18:45,336 --> 00:18:46,836 And what's up with the hand holding? 440 00:18:46,838 --> 00:18:50,506 It's like he's trying to win a thumb war. 441 00:18:50,508 --> 00:18:53,742 Ted, this is our song. 442 00:18:53,744 --> 00:18:56,429 Oh, no, he thinks I'm actually into this song. 443 00:18:56,431 --> 00:18:58,547 Does he not get sarcasm? 444 00:18:58,549 --> 00:19:01,517 Let's make love to this song. 445 00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:02,852 I'll just be even more ridiculous 446 00:19:02,854 --> 00:19:04,854 to make it clear it's a joke. 447 00:19:04,856 --> 00:19:06,772 ♪ Chickety-China, the Chinese chicken... ♪ 448 00:19:06,774 --> 00:19:08,024 I... 449 00:19:08,026 --> 00:19:10,192 Uh-oh, where you going with this, buddy? 450 00:19:10,194 --> 00:19:11,310 ...love... 451 00:19:11,312 --> 00:19:12,594 Nope, too soon. 452 00:19:12,596 --> 00:19:14,981 Say basset hounds, Pretzel Crisps, anything but... 453 00:19:14,983 --> 00:19:16,281 ...you. 454 00:19:16,306 --> 00:19:18,148 Oh, God, just kiss him before he proposes. 455 00:19:21,538 --> 00:19:23,205 Ted, I've been looking for the Hot Hanging Chad 456 00:19:23,207 --> 00:19:25,825 for the last nine Halloweens. 457 00:19:25,827 --> 00:19:27,660 I've waded through a sweaty parade 458 00:19:27,662 --> 00:19:30,046 of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, 459 00:19:30,048 --> 00:19:32,048 Antoine Dodsons, and that jackass 460 00:19:32,050 --> 00:19:33,883 who always dresses as laundry. 461 00:19:33,885 --> 00:19:35,251 Oh, I hate that guy. 462 00:19:35,253 --> 00:19:37,970 That's why, once I finally found you... 463 00:19:38,839 --> 00:19:42,141 ...it was hard to let you go. 464 00:19:43,343 --> 00:19:44,977 Good-bye, Ted. 465 00:19:48,965 --> 00:19:51,734 Let's just not touch ever again. 466 00:19:51,736 --> 00:19:52,685 Probably a good idea, yeah. 467 00:19:52,687 --> 00:19:54,737 Okay. 468 00:19:54,739 --> 00:19:57,406 NARRATOR: Kids, after spending a decade dreaming of the wrong girl, 469 00:19:57,408 --> 00:20:00,326 I wanted more than ever for the next woman I met 470 00:20:00,328 --> 00:20:02,695 to be the real thing. 471 00:20:04,781 --> 00:20:08,868 Yeah, I don't know, Barney, she doesn't seem like my type. 472 00:20:08,870 --> 00:20:11,253 I will kill you. 473 00:20:11,255 --> 00:20:12,588 I'll see what I can do. 474 00:20:12,590 --> 00:20:14,840 (mouthing) 475 00:20:29,472 --> 00:20:31,657 (grunting) 476 00:20:34,644 --> 00:20:37,362 (Canadian accent): Oh, hey there, I'm Barney, how are you? 477 00:20:37,364 --> 00:20:40,666 No, I'm Barney. 478 00:20:42,869 --> 00:20:44,002 Whoa. 479 00:20:44,004 --> 00:20:45,954 You pack quite a wallop there. 480 00:20:45,956 --> 00:20:47,989 Hope you didn't hurt your hand. 481 00:20:47,991 --> 00:20:50,825 Why are you so nice? 482 00:20:50,827 --> 00:20:52,327 (grunts) 483 00:20:52,329 --> 00:20:54,329 Oh, sorry about my thick noodle there. 484 00:20:54,331 --> 00:20:56,882 How about we split the cost of the vase, eh? 485 00:20:56,884 --> 00:20:59,551 (grunts) Holy Zamboni. 486 00:20:59,553 --> 00:21:01,436 Wow, you really put your weight behind that one. 487 00:21:01,438 --> 00:21:02,938 That was a really good one. 488 00:21:02,940 --> 00:21:04,773 Oh, heavens to Gretzky, that was a real Chiclet rattler. 489 00:21:04,775 --> 00:21:08,775 == sync, corrected by elderman == 34953

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