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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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OLDER TED: By the fall of 2011,technology had taken
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00:00:03,472 --> 00:00:06,640
a lot of the intrigueout of life.
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00:00:07,706 --> 00:00:11,024
The Internet had everyone'swall of information.
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Nothing was a mystery anymore.
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00:00:18,064 --> 00:00:20,008
But, kids, there wasa time before that,
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way back in the dark ages.
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Are you people insane?!
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The most popular food in America
is the cheeseburger!
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No way! It's pizza!
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00:00:27,850 --> 00:00:31,068
Are we forgetting about
a certain Mr. Furter,
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00:00:31,070 --> 00:00:32,653
first name Frank?
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00:00:32,655 --> 00:00:35,055
Um, what did every kid
bring in their lunchbox
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every day till
grade eight?
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Pancakes with
maple syrup.
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Thanks, Canada.
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We're looking for a food
the average American eats.
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MARSHALL: Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh!
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Chinese food.
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And then came the smartphone.
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Hey, remember
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when we were arguing about
the most popular food?
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It's bread.
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OTHERS:
Hm.
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And the barroom debatewas dead.
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BARNEY:
You guys are idiots!
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NARRATOR: Okay, not completely dead.
You are seriously telling me
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you don't want
to open that envelope
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and find out if you're
having a boy or a girl?
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Nope. Dr. Sonya only gave us
this in case we wanted to know.
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But we don't.
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Lilypad and I are just gonna
wait till that baby pops out
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and enjoy the big surprise.
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Look, I have pretended
to be a licensed therapist
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enough times to know
there is something unhealthy
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about your not wanting
to find out.
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00:01:26,909 --> 00:01:29,160
- Back me up here, Kev.
- No, no, no, no, no.
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This real therapist
won't risk upsetting
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his wonderful new girlfriend by
analyzing her wonderful friends.
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No matter how mentally
unbalanced they may be.
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I hear you.
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I don't think you do.
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We just don't want to
burden our little angel
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with all kinds of
gender-specific expectations.
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Boys can do ballet;
girls can play football.
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Hell, the Green Bay
Packers have been
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proving that for years.
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That would've gotten
a big laugh at a sports bar.
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Well, I say define
gender roles early.
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All the other girls
got a pretty dress
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and a cake when
they turned 14.
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Me...
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I want to go home, Daddy!
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That direction is
nothing but wolves.
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And 40 kilometers that way
is the mining town of Smithers.
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I'd take my chances
with the wolves.
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I'll see you in three days.
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Well, wait, wh-what
am I supposed to eat?
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Hey, you've got a knife,
the forest is full of animals--
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what do you want, a buffet?
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Papa...!
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Happy birthday, son...!
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Got any thoughts
on that, Doc?
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If you guys think I'm going near
that, you're crazy.
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Why'd you
emphasize "you're"?
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No reason.
You're pretty.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x06 ♪
Mystery vs. History
Original Air Date on October 17, 2011
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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By the way, do you guys want
to come over tomorrow night
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for sangria and tapas?
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00:03:08,478 --> 00:03:10,311
Si. Muchas gracias.
That sounds awesome.
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Great. We're also
gonna paint the nursery.
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00:03:11,931 --> 00:03:14,815
Oh, and a quick update
on the sangria and tapas--
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that's cancelled.
Mmm...
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00:03:16,486 --> 00:03:17,518
Guess what smooth
son of a bitch
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just picked up
a girl at the bar?
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Barney, you're cheating
on Nora already?
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No, guys, it's me.
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Janet McIntyre.
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Struck up a conversation
at the bar
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while ordering, she guessed
bread right away,
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we laughed, it was
a thing, boom, going
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out tomorrow night.
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- So, she said yes just like that?
- Just like that.
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BARNEY/ROBIN: There's
something wrong with her.
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No, no, no, no.
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Stop it. They
always do this.
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Every time I go
on a first date,
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they snap right into
research mode.
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It started by accident.
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(phone rings)
Ooh.
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Hello?
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00:03:50,102 --> 00:03:52,303
Ted, we did a little
Internet research
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on your Mia Plumley.
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BARNEY:
We just sent you
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a picture of her
from six months ago.
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00:03:56,225 --> 00:03:58,209
I don't understand--
is Mia standing behind
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this morbidly obese wo...
(gasps) Oh, my God!
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00:04:01,614 --> 00:04:04,097
They had cookies and cream.
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00:04:04,099 --> 00:04:06,283
And what you were saying
about how women feel
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00:04:06,285 --> 00:04:08,769
they have to starve themselves
makes so much sense.
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Ooh, hot dogs. Score!
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00:04:12,124 --> 00:04:14,325
After that, background checks
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became standardoperating procedure.
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The date with Nadine went great.
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Unless you guys found something.
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Are you sitting down?
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No.
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00:04:26,505 --> 00:04:30,591
She's wanted in Florida
on crystal meth charges.
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00:04:30,593 --> 00:04:33,511
She breeds pit bulls
for dog fighting.
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- Also, the FBI...
- What's this link?
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00:04:35,348 --> 00:04:37,398
Oh, she also writes
online movie reviews.
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00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,467
Anyway, she's still married to
a death row inmate convicted...
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00:04:40,469 --> 00:04:43,470
She gave Annie Hall
two out of ten stars?
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(gasps)
"Slow and overrated"?
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Really? That's
your takeaway?
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00:04:48,327 --> 00:04:50,494
It's the Wood Man at
the height of his powers.
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The way he broke the fourth wall
by talking directly to camera?
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People have been
ripping that off ever since.
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00:04:55,334 --> 00:04:58,953
Can you believe this guy?
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Paula Vincenzo.
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00:05:00,423 --> 00:05:01,872
She's in the bathroom.
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00:05:01,874 --> 00:05:02,823
What's wrong with her?
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00:05:02,825 --> 00:05:04,792
Total psycho.
Her Facebook wall
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00:05:04,794 --> 00:05:07,995
has a link to a site about
dating inanimate objects.
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00:05:07,997 --> 00:05:09,997
For most of last year,
she was engaged...
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00:05:09,999 --> 00:05:12,349
to a mini fridge.
And there's pictures:
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her and the mini
fridge on a hike,
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00:05:14,387 --> 00:05:16,437
her and the mini fridge
in wine country,
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00:05:16,439 --> 00:05:18,222
here's the mini fridge
meeting her parents...
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00:05:18,224 --> 00:05:19,974
Run like the wind.
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00:05:19,976 --> 00:05:22,226
(footsteps approaching)
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00:05:22,228 --> 00:05:25,563
So... want to go
back to my place?
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00:05:25,565 --> 00:05:27,615
Yeah, all right.
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00:05:29,517 --> 00:05:31,297
Well, thanks to us,
you ran screaming from
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that freak show, right?
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00:05:32,622 --> 00:05:34,872
- Absolutely.
- Cuckoo!
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00:05:36,408 --> 00:05:38,075
So what's the problem?
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You need us.
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00:05:39,128 --> 00:05:40,360
No, I don't, okay?
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00:05:40,362 --> 00:05:41,845
I don't want a
background check.
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00:05:41,847 --> 00:05:43,914
I want adventure
and excitement.
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00:05:43,916 --> 00:05:45,332
Look, if it's
a choice
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00:05:45,334 --> 00:05:47,184
between mystery
and history,
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I want mystery.
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In fact...
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Ted, I wouldn't...
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00:05:52,224 --> 00:05:54,391
Uh, Janet.
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00:05:54,393 --> 00:05:56,594
I have a theory.
People don't get the chance
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00:05:56,596 --> 00:05:58,862
to just discover
each other anymore, so...
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00:05:58,864 --> 00:05:59,897
here's my idea.
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00:05:59,899 --> 00:06:01,315
Before we go out tomorrow,
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00:06:01,317 --> 00:06:04,068
let's not do any prior
Internet research on each other.
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00:06:04,070 --> 00:06:06,637
It sounds like I'm hiding something
horrible, doesn't it?
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00:06:06,639 --> 00:06:08,105
I'm pretty sure
you're a serial killer.
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00:06:08,107 --> 00:06:09,389
I'm not. I'm not.
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00:06:09,391 --> 00:06:11,408
It's just, you know, like,
when my parents met,
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00:06:11,410 --> 00:06:13,393
they didn't have the Internet--
they just went out
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00:06:13,395 --> 00:06:15,279
on a blind date
and fell in love.
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00:06:15,281 --> 00:06:17,164
That's nice.
And they're still together?
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00:06:17,166 --> 00:06:18,248
Right up to the divorce.
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00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:21,335
The point is, I'd love
to get to know you
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in person, not on my computer.
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I like that.
What started out
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00:06:25,591 --> 00:06:28,008
sounding really creepy
turned out really sweet.
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That's kind of my move.
(laughs)
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00:06:31,180 --> 00:06:32,630
And she was
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00:06:32,632 --> 00:06:34,832
on board with the whole
"no Internet" thing?
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She loved it.
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00:06:37,752 --> 00:06:38,936
The bitch is
hiding something.
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00:06:38,938 --> 00:06:40,804
The bitch is totally
hiding something.
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00:06:44,998 --> 00:06:46,449
Hey, Ted, before you leave--
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00:06:46,451 --> 00:06:49,268
is Janet McIntyre
M-A-C or M-C?
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00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:51,304
For the last time,
I don't want to know
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00:06:51,306 --> 00:06:52,905
anything about her
before the date.
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00:06:52,907 --> 00:06:55,825
You might want to see this,
Ted-- naked pictures.
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00:06:55,827 --> 00:06:57,660
That's not Janet.
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00:06:57,662 --> 00:06:59,445
Who, now?
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00:06:59,447 --> 00:07:01,214
Seriously...
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00:07:01,216 --> 00:07:04,333
if you guys respect
me as a friend...
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00:07:04,335 --> 00:07:05,885
stop looking.
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00:07:10,190 --> 00:07:12,725
Well, Ted was pretty
clear there, so...
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00:07:12,727 --> 00:07:13,959
let's shut those laptops
183
00:07:13,961 --> 00:07:16,462
and go help Lily and Marshall,
just like we promised.
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00:07:16,464 --> 00:07:17,930
Let's leave
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the laptops here
and go paint that baby room.
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Without laptops.
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00:07:24,839 --> 00:07:26,489
Or bring the laptops.
Either way.
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This is exciting.
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00:07:28,976 --> 00:07:30,476
I give you...
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00:07:30,478 --> 00:07:33,329
the color our child
will grow up with.
191
00:07:33,331 --> 00:07:36,582
Yellow, like the sun.
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00:07:36,584 --> 00:07:39,318
Or daughter.
Pun snuggle.
193
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,206
Oh, God, this room's about
to get its first spit-up.
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00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,341
Just open the envelope already!
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00:07:45,343 --> 00:07:47,593
Kevin, will you please
tell Barney that it is
196
00:07:47,595 --> 00:07:50,429
perfectly normal for us to want
to preserve the mystery.
197
00:07:50,431 --> 00:07:52,932
I'm not here to analyze; I'm
here to win boyfriend points.
198
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:55,885
By the way, you all
look great, especially Robin.
199
00:07:55,887 --> 00:07:58,020
Come on, if you don't
know the gender,
200
00:07:58,022 --> 00:08:00,556
you're gonna get generic crap
at the baby shower.
201
00:08:00,558 --> 00:08:02,441
But if you do know the gender,
202
00:08:02,443 --> 00:08:05,311
you'll get, oh,
I don't know, this!
203
00:08:05,313 --> 00:08:06,863
Marshall! Lights!
204
00:08:07,698 --> 00:08:09,699
Okay.
205
00:08:09,701 --> 00:08:11,367
(dance music playing)
206
00:08:11,369 --> 00:08:14,303
BARNEY: When little Jack's
not turning double plays,
207
00:08:14,305 --> 00:08:16,088
he's turning heads with this
208
00:08:16,090 --> 00:08:18,140
home run of an outfit!
209
00:08:18,142 --> 00:08:20,159
And if it's a little girl...
210
00:08:20,161 --> 00:08:23,696
This royal ensemble
may leave you speechless,
211
00:08:23,698 --> 00:08:25,331
but it's sure to make
little Sally say,
212
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:28,551
"I wuv you, Mommy,
and I wuv my dress,
213
00:08:28,553 --> 00:08:32,205
and I would love
to see you in the shower."
214
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:34,557
Sorry, I kind of fell out of
character in that last part.
215
00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:37,577
But if you don't
know the gender...
216
00:08:37,579 --> 00:08:41,097
Little Fran is sure to be
the pariah of the playground
217
00:08:41,099 --> 00:08:44,367
in this hermaphroditic
burlap sack.
218
00:08:44,369 --> 00:08:46,469
♪ ♪
219
00:08:46,471 --> 00:08:47,937
Marshall! Lights!
220
00:08:50,157 --> 00:08:51,574
Barney,
221
00:08:51,576 --> 00:08:54,026
you don't really care abo'.
222
00:08:54,028 --> 00:08:54,777
No. You just
223
00:08:54,779 --> 00:08:55,761
can't stand
224
00:08:55,763 --> 00:08:57,330
not knowing something.
225
00:08:57,332 --> 00:08:59,282
That's ridiculous!
226
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,000
Marshall, will you...
227
00:09:01,002 --> 00:09:02,518
will you hold
these for a second?
228
00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:03,619
Yeah, sure. Why?
229
00:09:03,621 --> 00:09:05,454
Because I gots to know!
230
00:09:05,456 --> 00:09:07,506
Oh, Barney, no!
Help! Get him off of me!
231
00:09:07,508 --> 00:09:10,126
(all shouting) Everybody hold it!
Hold it!
232
00:09:10,128 --> 00:09:13,212
I found Janet McIntyre,
who's been widowed three times.
233
00:09:13,214 --> 00:09:15,298
She's obviously
killing her husbands!
234
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,934
Oh, my God!
235
00:09:17,936 --> 00:09:19,552
They're six minutes
into the date.
236
00:09:19,554 --> 00:09:21,887
Ted's probably already told her
that he loves her!
237
00:09:21,889 --> 00:09:23,439
We've got to get down there!
238
00:09:23,441 --> 00:09:25,424
(all shouting)
239
00:09:25,426 --> 00:09:27,226
Nobody's going anywhere!
240
00:09:27,228 --> 00:09:28,260
Why?!
241
00:09:28,262 --> 00:09:29,779
NARRATOR:
Kids, at that moment,
242
00:09:29,781 --> 00:09:31,764
Kevin thought backto his earlier rule...
243
00:09:31,766 --> 00:09:34,116
This real therapist
won't risk
244
00:09:34,118 --> 00:09:36,268
upsetting his wonderful
new girlfriend
245
00:09:36,270 --> 00:09:38,437
by analyzing her
wonderful friends.
246
00:09:38,439 --> 00:09:40,139
...and threw it out the window.
247
00:09:40,141 --> 00:09:42,375
You're all the most
codependent, incestuous,
248
00:09:42,377 --> 00:09:44,710
controlling group of
people I've ever met!
249
00:09:46,446 --> 00:09:49,498
By the way, you all look
great, especially Robin.
250
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,617
Oh, mm-mm.
251
00:09:53,470 --> 00:09:56,255
This is so great.
252
00:09:56,257 --> 00:09:58,123
Right? See, if we'd
researched each other,
253
00:09:58,125 --> 00:10:00,226
we'd both be secretly
steering the conversation
254
00:10:00,228 --> 00:10:01,560
one way or the other.
255
00:10:01,562 --> 00:10:02,979
But this is
more exciting, right?
256
00:10:02,981 --> 00:10:04,096
Way more exciting.
257
00:10:04,098 --> 00:10:06,148
I mean, we can talk
about anything we want.
258
00:10:06,150 --> 00:10:08,484
Anything. (laughs)
259
00:10:08,486 --> 00:10:11,270
(mellow jazz playing)
260
00:10:11,272 --> 00:10:12,971
So...
261
00:10:13,790 --> 00:10:16,192
...how was the traffic
getting here?
262
00:10:16,194 --> 00:10:18,244
You picked me up
at my apartment.
263
00:10:19,112 --> 00:10:20,696
I certainly did.
264
00:10:21,531 --> 00:10:23,199
TED:
Oh, my God,
265
00:10:23,201 --> 00:10:25,984
I've lost the ability to talkto girls without the Internet.
266
00:10:25,986 --> 00:10:28,421
My brain iscompletely shutting down.
267
00:10:28,423 --> 00:10:30,989
So, are you folks gonna have
dinner or just drinks?
268
00:10:30,991 --> 00:10:32,291
(laughing)
269
00:10:32,293 --> 00:10:33,992
I-I don't know.
270
00:10:34,795 --> 00:10:37,296
What the hell
was that, Kevin?
271
00:10:37,298 --> 00:10:38,514
We're all crazy just because
272
00:10:38,516 --> 00:10:40,016
I'm looking up some stuff
on the Internet,
273
00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:42,000
and Barney wants
to know the baby's gender?
274
00:10:42,002 --> 00:10:44,603
Well, to be honest,
275
00:10:44,605 --> 00:10:46,772
I noticed some
other disturbing...
276
00:10:47,724 --> 00:10:49,508
Never mind.
277
00:10:49,510 --> 00:10:50,893
It's nothing. I'm sorry.
278
00:10:50,895 --> 00:10:52,528
I gots to know!
279
00:10:52,530 --> 00:10:54,864
Okay, last night alone...
280
00:10:54,866 --> 00:10:57,283
When-When are you coming back?
281
00:10:57,285 --> 00:10:59,702
Because I miss you, silly!
282
00:11:02,289 --> 00:11:03,456
Wait, who's he talking to?
283
00:11:03,458 --> 00:11:05,624
Shh, I'll be back soon.
284
00:11:05,626 --> 00:11:07,526
Yeah, you want me
to bring you a pretzel?
285
00:11:07,528 --> 00:11:09,945
(ding)
286
00:11:09,947 --> 00:11:12,298
Ted's texting me
from the bathroom.
287
00:11:12,300 --> 00:11:13,416
(laughter)
288
00:11:13,418 --> 00:11:15,501
ALL: Oh.
289
00:11:15,503 --> 00:11:16,669
I don't get it.
290
00:11:16,671 --> 00:11:18,888
- It's just a "C" with an apostrophe.
- Oh.
291
00:11:18,890 --> 00:11:19,922
ROBIN:
Oh, yeah.
292
00:11:19,924 --> 00:11:22,341
Sometimes when one
of us is on the can,
293
00:11:22,343 --> 00:11:24,894
we'll, uh, sneak a peek
and then text each other,
294
00:11:24,896 --> 00:11:26,896
you know.
295
00:11:26,898 --> 00:11:30,549
Symbols to describe what your
bowel movement looks like?
296
00:11:30,551 --> 00:11:32,050
(laughter)
297
00:11:32,052 --> 00:11:35,938
This morning,
I took an ampersand.
298
00:11:35,940 --> 00:11:37,556
Last summer,
I dropped a deuce
299
00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:39,825
that actually looked
like the number two!
300
00:11:39,827 --> 00:11:42,528
(ding)
301
00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:45,664
When you worked
late Wednesday,
302
00:11:45,666 --> 00:11:49,835
I... I got
lonely and...
303
00:11:49,837 --> 00:11:53,071
I watched Survivor
without you.
304
00:11:53,073 --> 00:11:55,074
(ding)
305
00:11:55,076 --> 00:11:57,176
Practically the only unhealthy
behavior I didn't see
306
00:11:57,178 --> 00:11:59,795
from you people
was physical violence.
307
00:11:59,797 --> 00:12:02,431
(grunting)
308
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,434
(grunting)
309
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:08,387
Yeah.
310
00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:09,805
At least we don't do that.
311
00:12:10,941 --> 00:12:12,224
And to top it off,
312
00:12:12,226 --> 00:12:14,059
all the meddling
in Ted's love life,
313
00:12:14,061 --> 00:12:15,427
not to mention Lily's pregnancy?
314
00:12:15,429 --> 00:12:18,764
It all strikes me as
just deeply dysfunctional.
315
00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:21,951
So what you're saying is,
we're fine?
316
00:12:21,953 --> 00:12:24,987
(ding)
317
00:12:24,989 --> 00:12:27,656
So, while this font is often
318
00:12:27,658 --> 00:12:29,625
mistaken for Helvetica,
319
00:12:29,627 --> 00:12:33,078
the fact is...
320
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,881
it's Helvetica Bold.
321
00:12:36,666 --> 00:12:38,617
I can actually hear the sound
322
00:12:38,619 --> 00:12:41,353
of her vagina being boarded up.
323
00:12:42,839 --> 00:12:44,557
I got to be honest, Janet.
324
00:12:44,559 --> 00:12:47,643
First of all...
this is Times New Roman.
325
00:12:48,512 --> 00:12:49,962
Second, I'm having trouble
326
00:12:49,964 --> 00:12:51,931
coming up with things
to talk about.
327
00:12:51,933 --> 00:12:53,799
You? I'm sitting here thinking,
328
00:12:53,801 --> 00:12:57,019
"Damn it, I wish I had something
as good as that font thing.
329
00:12:57,021 --> 00:12:58,487
That's gold."
330
00:12:58,489 --> 00:13:00,523
Guys, I'm so sorry
I said anything.
331
00:13:00,525 --> 00:13:04,109
Um, you basically called
my friends mentally ill.
332
00:13:04,111 --> 00:13:06,612
Yeah, you think some lame
apology will fix that?
333
00:13:06,614 --> 00:13:09,331
What if I just paint the rest
of the room by myself?
334
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:11,750
ROBIN, LILY & MARSHALL:
Apology accepted.
335
00:13:11,752 --> 00:13:13,118
Okay, let's do this.
336
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:14,753
Let-Let's find out
each other's likes and dislikes.
337
00:13:14,755 --> 00:13:15,955
Start with something
totally random.
338
00:13:15,957 --> 00:13:17,540
Like, um, oh, I don't know.
339
00:13:17,542 --> 00:13:20,325
Are you a fan of--
I don't know--
340
00:13:20,327 --> 00:13:22,344
Annie Hall?
341
00:13:22,346 --> 00:13:25,297
I'm guessing that's not random
at all, and you use that movie
342
00:13:25,299 --> 00:13:27,216
to test whether a girl is cool?
343
00:13:27,218 --> 00:13:28,934
No, it's-it's the first movie
that popped into...
344
00:13:28,936 --> 00:13:30,636
I love Annie Hall.
Oh, thank God you're cool.
345
00:13:30,638 --> 00:13:32,471
NARRATOR:
But just as things started
346
00:13:32,473 --> 00:13:34,523
to go wellwith Janet McIntyre...
347
00:13:34,525 --> 00:13:36,809
Whoa. I just found
Janet McIntyre.
348
00:13:36,811 --> 00:13:39,028
The Janet McIntyre.
349
00:13:45,235 --> 00:13:49,071
BOTH:
Sweet... mother... of God!
350
00:13:49,073 --> 00:13:50,289
(laughs)
351
00:13:50,291 --> 00:13:53,191
(phone chimes)
352
00:13:55,212 --> 00:13:56,996
Uh, well, I got to
run to the restroom.
353
00:13:56,998 --> 00:13:59,081
No internet, Mister.
354
00:13:59,083 --> 00:14:00,866
If you find out my deep, dark
secret, I'll have to kill you.
355
00:14:00,868 --> 00:14:02,418
It's just my friends
checking up on me.
356
00:14:02,420 --> 00:14:04,420
I'll politely let them know
we're having a lovely time.
357
00:14:04,422 --> 00:14:05,871
Okay.
358
00:14:07,257 --> 00:14:09,758
Ted says, "I'm not clicking on
the link, so leave me alone."
359
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,428
And then either texted me a
bunch of symbols for profanity,
360
00:14:12,430 --> 00:14:13,545
or got food poisoning
361
00:14:13,547 --> 00:14:15,547
and dropped the weirdest deuce
of all time.
362
00:14:15,549 --> 00:14:17,650
You guys have
to see this.
363
00:14:17,652 --> 00:14:19,485
No. We're with
Ted on this.
364
00:14:19,487 --> 00:14:21,386
We don't want to
find out about Janet,
365
00:14:21,388 --> 00:14:24,056
just like we don't want to
find out about the baby.
366
00:14:24,058 --> 00:14:25,407
Because we like mystery,
367
00:14:25,409 --> 00:14:27,493
whether it's the hairy
majesty of Bigfoot,
368
00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:30,529
or the bloodsucking ferocity
of the Chupacabra,
369
00:14:30,531 --> 00:14:32,364
or the gender
of our little miracle.
370
00:14:32,366 --> 00:14:33,699
Thanks for putting
those together
371
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:35,067
in the same
sentence, sweetie.
372
00:14:35,069 --> 00:14:36,418
Mm.
373
00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:39,121
Look, if you guys don't want
to know, how about this?
374
00:14:39,123 --> 00:14:41,707
Let me look,
and I won't tell you.
375
00:14:41,709 --> 00:14:43,509
Absolutely not.
Fine.
376
00:14:43,511 --> 00:14:44,343
(gasping)
377
00:14:44,345 --> 00:14:45,544
Baby, if it will shut him up,
378
00:14:45,546 --> 00:14:46,629
what's the harm?
379
00:14:48,581 --> 00:14:50,683
Can I...?
380
00:14:50,685 --> 00:14:53,052
(muttering)
381
00:14:53,054 --> 00:14:55,804
(both giggling)
382
00:14:55,806 --> 00:14:57,806
This may have been a mistake.
383
00:14:57,808 --> 00:14:59,558
Boy!
384
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:00,926
Do I like babies!
385
00:15:01,695 --> 00:15:02,478
Girl!
386
00:15:03,063 --> 00:15:04,113
...friend,
387
00:15:04,115 --> 00:15:05,931
your hair looks
fantastic!
388
00:15:06,366 --> 00:15:08,150
Twins!
389
00:15:08,152 --> 00:15:10,402
was the feel-good movie of 1988.
390
00:15:10,404 --> 00:15:13,038
Okay, Barney, hey, it doesn't
matter what you guys say.
391
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:14,239
We're not gonna cave.
392
00:15:14,241 --> 00:15:15,574
Yes, we are!
393
00:15:15,576 --> 00:15:17,559
Oh, just open
your eyes.
394
00:15:17,561 --> 00:15:20,045
This gender-neutral
yellow is horrible!
395
00:15:20,047 --> 00:15:22,581
We're clearly gonna paint
over the whole thing!
396
00:15:22,583 --> 00:15:24,616
That's what you want to hear.
397
00:15:24,618 --> 00:15:26,051
I gots to know!
398
00:15:26,053 --> 00:15:27,720
Yeah.
399
00:15:27,722 --> 00:15:30,139
"It's a..."
400
00:15:30,141 --> 00:15:32,057
It's a...
401
00:15:32,059 --> 00:15:33,726
Where is the rest
of the card?
402
00:15:33,728 --> 00:15:35,477
I ripped it in half.
403
00:15:35,479 --> 00:15:37,462
I knew you'd be
desperate to see it,
404
00:15:37,464 --> 00:15:38,764
and I'll give it to you.
405
00:15:38,766 --> 00:15:41,934
All you have to do is admit
that mystery is stupid
406
00:15:41,936 --> 00:15:45,404
by reading
about Janet McIntyre.
407
00:15:45,406 --> 00:15:47,139
This is in no way
emotional extortion.
408
00:15:47,141 --> 00:15:48,524
You guys are great.
409
00:15:48,526 --> 00:15:50,659
Fine, we'll look
at your laptop.
410
00:15:51,995 --> 00:15:54,446
BOTH:
Sweet...
411
00:15:54,448 --> 00:15:57,082
mother... of God.
412
00:15:58,601 --> 00:16:00,336
I can't really see
the computer screen.
413
00:16:00,338 --> 00:16:02,371
It just went down
the wrong pipe.
414
00:16:03,489 --> 00:16:04,707
(phone chimes)
415
00:16:04,709 --> 00:16:06,759
TED:
Whoa.
416
00:16:06,761 --> 00:16:09,044
If Lily and Marshall want meto click on it,
417
00:16:09,046 --> 00:16:11,847
maybe Janet really does havea deep, dark secret.
418
00:16:12,849 --> 00:16:14,266
What's going on?
419
00:16:14,268 --> 00:16:15,434
I'm a prostitute.
420
00:16:15,436 --> 00:16:16,352
You didn't think I was
421
00:16:16,354 --> 00:16:17,469
actually into you, did you?
422
00:16:17,471 --> 00:16:18,887
Sort of.
423
00:16:18,889 --> 00:16:20,973
(laughter)
424
00:16:20,975 --> 00:16:23,175
TED:
Get it together, Mosby.
425
00:16:25,678 --> 00:16:27,079
Oh.
426
00:16:27,081 --> 00:16:28,480
(sighs)
427
00:16:28,482 --> 00:16:30,348
You don't buy beer,
you rent it.
428
00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:31,784
Am I right?
429
00:16:31,786 --> 00:16:33,202
This is the
men's room.
430
00:16:33,204 --> 00:16:34,787
I know.
431
00:16:34,789 --> 00:16:35,754
I'm a dude.
432
00:16:35,756 --> 00:16:38,857
(gasps)
433
00:16:43,362 --> 00:16:45,130
(sighs)
434
00:16:45,132 --> 00:16:48,133
Listen, there's something
you should know.
435
00:16:48,135 --> 00:16:50,386
I lied.
436
00:16:50,388 --> 00:16:52,221
I only kind of liked Annie Hall.
437
00:16:52,223 --> 00:16:53,422
(gasps)
438
00:16:56,342 --> 00:16:59,261
TED:
I gots to know!
439
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:05,717
Sweet...
440
00:17:05,719 --> 00:17:08,437
mother... of God.
441
00:17:19,544 --> 00:17:21,695
Hey.
442
00:17:21,752 --> 00:17:23,887
(sighs)
443
00:17:24,922 --> 00:17:26,923
Ted, are you okay?
You look freaked out.
444
00:17:26,925 --> 00:17:29,559
I'm not freaked out.
445
00:17:29,561 --> 00:17:31,995
NARRATOR:
I was freaked out. Why?
446
00:17:31,997 --> 00:17:34,964
'Cause I had just discoveredthat Janet McIntyre was...
447
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:37,200
amazing!
448
00:17:58,372 --> 00:18:02,458
And just like that,the wall went up.
449
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:04,460
Okay, he looked at
Janet McIntyre's
450
00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:06,329
Internet
extravaganza.
451
00:18:06,331 --> 00:18:08,348
Here's the other half
of the card.
452
00:18:14,138 --> 00:18:16,139
Wait. Should we
do this? I...
453
00:18:16,141 --> 00:18:18,474
I don't know.
I mean, my soul says no,
454
00:18:18,476 --> 00:18:21,027
but these hideous
yellow walls scream yes.
455
00:18:21,029 --> 00:18:23,813
Should I just stop, or...?
456
00:18:23,815 --> 00:18:26,316
Sweet mother of God!
457
00:18:26,318 --> 00:18:29,702
A dog in Ottawa ran all the way
to Saskatoon!
458
00:18:30,537 --> 00:18:31,854
What?
459
00:18:31,856 --> 00:18:33,122
We figured out the Janet thing.
460
00:18:33,124 --> 00:18:34,457
I'm catching up on Canada.
461
00:18:35,326 --> 00:18:37,293
(gasps)
462
00:18:38,162 --> 00:18:39,862
You're with me on this, right?
463
00:18:39,864 --> 00:18:42,698
Otherwise, I can go down,
and I can get the card.
464
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:43,466
Absolutely.
465
00:18:43,468 --> 00:18:45,418
Oh, thank you.
466
00:18:47,537 --> 00:18:49,756
NARRATOR: And so the genderremained a secret,
467
00:18:49,758 --> 00:18:53,176
but Janet McIntyre's lifeno longer was.
468
00:18:53,178 --> 00:18:55,144
There was only one problem.
469
00:18:55,146 --> 00:18:56,729
Ted, what's going on?
470
00:18:56,731 --> 00:18:59,265
Nothing.
471
00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:01,550
Did I mention
that I'm the youngest architect
472
00:19:01,552 --> 00:19:03,987
in New York history
to have a skyscraper built?
473
00:19:03,989 --> 00:19:05,721
Oh.
So, I'm not quite
474
00:19:05,723 --> 00:19:08,241
as far beneath you
as you might think.
475
00:19:08,243 --> 00:19:10,276
Why would I think that?
476
00:19:10,278 --> 00:19:12,695
No reason, but this one time
in sixth grade,
477
00:19:12,697 --> 00:19:15,665
I saw a raccoon trapped
in a gutter, and I told my dad,
478
00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,533
and the firemen came
and got it out,
479
00:19:17,535 --> 00:19:20,503
so it's not like I pulled a baby
from a creek or anything,
480
00:19:20,505 --> 00:19:21,754
but at least
I didn't ignore it
481
00:19:21,756 --> 00:19:24,674
and keep lighting bugs on fire
with my magnifying glass.
482
00:19:24,676 --> 00:19:26,793
We had one promise,
and you broke it.
483
00:19:26,795 --> 00:19:28,661
What are you talking about?
484
00:19:28,663 --> 00:19:30,579
You looked me up, and now
you find me intimidating.
485
00:19:30,581 --> 00:19:32,849
Why-Why would I find you
intimidating, okay?
486
00:19:32,851 --> 00:19:35,084
It's not like
I donated a kidney,
487
00:19:35,086 --> 00:19:36,352
but I donated blood once,
488
00:19:36,354 --> 00:19:37,586
although I wound up fainting,
489
00:19:37,588 --> 00:19:39,722
and they had to put it
all back in.
490
00:19:39,724 --> 00:19:41,941
(sighs)
I was so excited about this.
491
00:19:41,943 --> 00:19:45,228
But now you're just a blubbering
idiot like the rest of them.
492
00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:46,696
No, I ain't!
493
00:19:46,698 --> 00:19:49,782
I mean, no, I never do
that thing you says.
494
00:19:49,784 --> 00:19:50,950
(sighs)
495
00:19:50,952 --> 00:19:52,652
What I mean is,
you gooder than me
496
00:19:52,654 --> 00:19:55,705
no make difference!
497
00:19:55,707 --> 00:19:58,124
And that's that.
498
00:19:58,126 --> 00:20:00,493
I wish to God I'd never
clicked on that link.
499
00:20:00,495 --> 00:20:01,911
I'm sorry, Ted.
500
00:20:01,913 --> 00:20:03,779
We were just
trying to help.
501
00:20:03,781 --> 00:20:06,165
I said it was meddling
and manipulative,
502
00:20:06,167 --> 00:20:08,167
but Kevin insisted we butt in.
503
00:20:08,169 --> 00:20:10,386
(ding)
504
00:20:11,889 --> 00:20:13,256
No, it's my fault.
505
00:20:13,258 --> 00:20:14,807
I never should have looked.
506
00:20:14,809 --> 00:20:17,677
In the battle
of mystery versus history,
507
00:20:17,679 --> 00:20:19,645
it's best
not to know.
508
00:20:19,647 --> 00:20:22,315
Lily Pad?
509
00:20:22,317 --> 00:20:23,850
What?
510
00:20:23,852 --> 00:20:26,235
We're having a boy.
511
00:20:27,421 --> 00:20:29,489
We're having a boy.
512
00:20:29,491 --> 00:20:30,806
We're having a boy!
You're having a boy!
513
00:20:30,808 --> 00:20:32,859
We're having a...
we're having a boy.
514
00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:34,360
We're having a boy.
(laughter)
515
00:20:34,362 --> 00:20:35,695
We're having
a boy.
516
00:20:35,697 --> 00:20:38,081
I'll go buy
some blue paint.
517
00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:50,551
It needs sharpening.
518
00:20:50,553 --> 00:20:54,138
You see? I told you three days
would go by in no time.
519
00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:55,806
Phineas, take us up!
520
00:20:55,808 --> 00:20:57,224
Well, in case
you were wondering,
521
00:20:57,226 --> 00:20:59,527
it rained the entire time
I was in the Caribbean.
522
00:20:59,529 --> 00:21:03,708
Thank you for asking.
(howling)
523
00:21:03,710 --> 00:21:07,710
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
37514
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