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1
00:00:05,006 --> 00:00:08,342
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
2
00:00:08,343 --> 00:00:12,430
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
3
00:00:15,392 --> 00:00:16,767
Here you go!
4
00:00:16,768 --> 00:00:19,895
An energizing green juice
for your big first day.
5
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,897
Ooh, Goliath Market
6
00:00:21,898 --> 00:00:24,400
is not gonna know
what hit them!
7
00:00:24,401 --> 00:00:26,902
Ta-da! Meet Ellen
from corporate.
8
00:00:26,903 --> 00:00:28,612
Val...
9
00:00:28,613 --> 00:00:30,532
I love it.
10
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:34,326
♪ I'm a big-city boss,
just sipping on greens ♪
11
00:00:34,327 --> 00:00:35,452
♪ Coming in to work ♪
12
00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:38,956
♪ 'Cause I'm a
goddamn quee... een! ♪
13
00:00:38,957 --> 00:00:40,291
That
sounded like a song
14
00:00:40,292 --> 00:00:43,127
from one of those reality
shows about girl bosses, like,
15
00:00:43,128 --> 00:00:44,295
and they're doing
girl boss things!
16
00:00:44,296 --> 00:00:46,130
Like, they go to sell a big
house, and they're like...
17
00:00:46,131 --> 00:00:47,923
♪ I'm selling this
big-ass house ♪
18
00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:50,175
♪ I'm wearing these
high-ass heels ♪
19
00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,928
- Exactly! You know, sometimes
I like to imagine myself
20
00:00:52,929 --> 00:00:55,348
as the star of my
own reality TV show.
21
00:00:55,724 --> 00:00:57,433
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or...
22
00:00:57,434 --> 00:00:59,686
Ellen, La Ricca
Puttana Della Citta!
23
00:01:01,187 --> 00:01:03,272
It's a huge hit in Italy.
24
00:01:03,273 --> 00:01:06,233
Well, thanks so much, guys.
25
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,610
- Wish me luck?
- Oh, you don't need it.
26
00:01:07,611 --> 00:01:09,820
- You got this.
- Woo!
27
00:01:11,907 --> 00:01:14,366
I am so, so excited for her!
28
00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:16,994
Me, too! She is crushing it.
29
00:01:16,995 --> 00:01:18,746
- Killing it.
- Murdered it.
30
00:01:18,747 --> 00:01:20,790
It is dead.
31
00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:22,959
I couldn't be happier for her.
32
00:01:28,006 --> 00:01:29,965
Even though, you know,
33
00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:33,010
we've been in New York way, way
longer, and our careers are...
34
00:01:33,011 --> 00:01:34,470
- Trash.
- Trainwrecks.
35
00:01:34,471 --> 00:01:36,932
- Full-on flaming garbage.
36
00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:40,310
Hey, you know what we need?
37
00:01:41,311 --> 00:01:43,145
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
38
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:45,356
Oh, my God, yes.
39
00:01:45,357 --> 00:01:48,193
Pathetic Deirdre!
40
00:01:48,902 --> 00:01:51,028
Okay, so I realize
41
00:01:51,029 --> 00:01:53,530
this is maybe not
the best look for me.
42
00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:55,741
You
and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
43
00:01:55,742 --> 00:01:58,535
about some poor woman
named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
44
00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,454
Yeah, it's not great.
45
00:02:00,455 --> 00:02:01,998
Well, just let me explain.
46
00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:05,251
Deirdre was an old
college friend,
47
00:02:05,252 --> 00:02:08,420
and Aunt Val and I used to invite
her to brunch when we were feeling,
48
00:02:08,421 --> 00:02:11,840
you know, low, to give
ourselves an ego boost.
49
00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:14,009
This city is just
too loud for me.
50
00:02:14,010 --> 00:02:16,096
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
51
00:02:16,596 --> 00:02:18,597
New
Jersey. On purpose!
52
00:02:20,559 --> 00:02:22,643
I don't know how you
two party so much.
53
00:02:22,644 --> 00:02:24,645
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
54
00:02:24,646 --> 00:02:27,356
I haven't gone
to bed at 9:00 since I was 9.
55
00:02:28,608 --> 00:02:30,401
I'm thinking about
writing a book.
56
00:02:30,402 --> 00:02:31,860
Like, about my life.
57
00:02:34,406 --> 00:02:36,032
Who would read that?
58
00:02:37,367 --> 00:02:39,869
Wouldn't. Who
wouldn't read that?
59
00:02:40,704 --> 00:02:42,163
Wait.
60
00:02:42,664 --> 00:02:45,165
Val, is this gross?
61
00:02:45,166 --> 00:02:46,709
We're 30 now.
62
00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:48,377
We support other women.
63
00:02:48,378 --> 00:02:51,380
It's fine. We're just
reaching out to an old friend
64
00:02:51,381 --> 00:02:53,090
to see if she wants
to have brunch.
65
00:02:53,091 --> 00:02:55,594
Something women have
done throughout herstory.
66
00:02:56,386 --> 00:02:57,803
You're right.
67
00:02:57,804 --> 00:03:00,444
Should we call her first to make
sure she doesn't have other plans?
68
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,562
Mom!
69
00:03:06,563 --> 00:03:08,647
You don't get it!
70
00:03:08,648 --> 00:03:11,150
She never had anything going on!
71
00:03:14,070 --> 00:03:15,988
Okay, babe, are you
ready to do this?
72
00:03:15,989 --> 00:03:17,323
Almost. How's my hair?
73
00:03:17,324 --> 00:03:19,450
Oh, it's so cute.
74
00:03:21,786 --> 00:03:24,371
- Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith
and I shoot a video in here, do you?
75
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:25,664
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
76
00:03:25,665 --> 00:03:28,000
Gotta let the M-heads know that
Jesse and I are back together,
77
00:03:28,001 --> 00:03:29,501
and he's joining me on tour.
78
00:03:29,502 --> 00:03:30,669
- M-heads?
79
00:03:30,670 --> 00:03:33,381
Meredith heads. M-heads!
80
00:03:34,966 --> 00:03:37,801
- Yeah. My whole album
is about our breakup,
81
00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:39,303
and so us getting back together
82
00:03:39,304 --> 00:03:42,057
is gonna be pretty big
news in the Memmunity.
83
00:03:43,016 --> 00:03:44,726
The Meredith community.
84
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:47,144
Okay, well,
85
00:03:47,145 --> 00:03:49,188
I'm gonna need some
immunity from the Memmunity
86
00:03:49,189 --> 00:03:51,899
'cause your cuteness
is killing me.
87
00:03:51,900 --> 00:03:53,484
Oh, awesome.
88
00:03:53,485 --> 00:03:56,070
Exciting news, boss man.
89
00:03:56,071 --> 00:03:58,782
I started dating again.
90
00:03:59,574 --> 00:04:01,659
Obviously, by dating,
I mean hardcore,
91
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:03,620
no-strings-attached doinking.
92
00:04:04,246 --> 00:04:05,246
That is right.
93
00:04:05,247 --> 00:04:07,998
Yours truly hooked up with a
comely young lady last night,
94
00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:09,750
and it was luscious.
95
00:04:09,751 --> 00:04:11,585
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
96
00:04:11,586 --> 00:04:13,712
but please do not use the words,
97
00:04:13,713 --> 00:04:17,258
"doinking" or "luscious"
or "comely" again.
98
00:04:17,259 --> 00:04:18,593
Noted.
99
00:04:21,263 --> 00:04:23,889
What on Earth are they
doing with their noses?
100
00:04:23,890 --> 00:04:26,559
They are happy, and
they're in love,
101
00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:28,394
and though we have
our misgivings,
102
00:04:28,395 --> 00:04:30,730
Jesse is our best friend,
so we support him.
103
00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:35,235
- What I supported last night was
the full weight of a human woman.
104
00:04:35,986 --> 00:04:38,363
- The more you talk, the more
you sound like a murderer.
105
00:04:39,573 --> 00:04:42,491
♪ Got the world in ♪
106
00:04:42,492 --> 00:04:44,493
♪ My own hands ♪
107
00:04:44,494 --> 00:04:46,870
♪ I'm going to work ♪
108
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,460
♪ I'm going to
work, work, work ♪
109
00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:56,547
♪ I'm not here to
play, play, play ♪
110
00:04:56,548 --> 00:04:59,592
♪ Juice is just
okay, okay, okay ♪
111
00:04:59,593 --> 00:05:02,553
♪ That horse eats
hay, hay, hay ♪
112
00:05:02,554 --> 00:05:04,179
♪ Get out of my way ♪
113
00:05:09,644 --> 00:05:12,314
♪ Don't get in my way,
I'm here to stay... ♪
114
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,565
- Hello.
- Hi.
115
00:05:14,566 --> 00:05:15,649
Ellen Gilbert.
116
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:17,568
It's my first day,
and I need a...
117
00:05:17,569 --> 00:05:19,237
pass! Pass! Pass!
118
00:05:21,823 --> 00:05:24,325
Oh! Can you make it
fast, fast, fast?
119
00:05:24,326 --> 00:05:26,994
Sorry, I just wanna hop on
the elevator with my boss.
120
00:05:26,995 --> 00:05:28,829
You sure?
121
00:05:28,830 --> 00:05:31,999
The elevator is a very small space
for your boss to be alone with...
122
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,043
all of this.
123
00:05:34,836 --> 00:05:36,503
Stairs it is!
124
00:05:37,964 --> 00:05:39,883
I'll get my steps
in.
125
00:05:42,177 --> 00:05:43,719
51st floor?
126
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,890
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
127
00:05:52,103 --> 00:05:54,898
Soph!
Deirdre texted back!
128
00:05:55,982 --> 00:05:58,025
"Sorry, lovelies,
can't brunch today.
129
00:05:58,026 --> 00:06:00,778
I have a book reading at
The Ginz in 30 minutes."
130
00:06:00,779 --> 00:06:02,864
- A book reading? What
does that even mean?
131
00:06:03,365 --> 00:06:05,199
- Maybe it auto-corrected
"foot cleaning"?
132
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,036
Oh... I bet it's like
a open mic thing.
133
00:06:09,037 --> 00:06:10,788
We have to go.
134
00:06:10,789 --> 00:06:12,039
Already requesting a Lyft.
135
00:06:17,212 --> 00:06:19,880
This can't all
be for Deirdre's thing.
136
00:06:19,881 --> 00:06:22,466
Uh, excuse me. Is
there another smaller,
137
00:06:22,467 --> 00:06:25,094
sadder event
happening here today?
138
00:06:25,095 --> 00:06:26,762
Nope. Just the one book reading.
139
00:06:26,763 --> 00:06:29,223
She's here!
140
00:06:32,269 --> 00:06:33,687
Hold on.
141
00:06:35,814 --> 00:06:39,483
Did Pathetic Deirdre
write an actual book?
142
00:06:39,484 --> 00:06:41,193
I bet it's mostly pictures.
143
00:06:41,194 --> 00:06:43,612
No. Words. It's all words.
144
00:06:43,613 --> 00:06:46,407
- Huh? Wait, is that
how you spell "Deirdre"?
145
00:06:46,408 --> 00:06:47,993
English is weird.
146
00:06:53,415 --> 00:06:55,541
- My God, she always talked
about writing a book,
147
00:06:55,542 --> 00:06:58,545
and now, she's written a
book? That's so random.
148
00:07:00,130 --> 00:07:01,505
Val.
149
00:07:01,506 --> 00:07:04,801
Look at this chapter.
"Mimosas and Mind Games"?
150
00:07:05,969 --> 00:07:08,178
We always used to
have mimosas with her.
151
00:07:08,179 --> 00:07:09,555
I think this book is about us.
152
00:07:09,556 --> 00:07:12,559
- Stop. You're being paranoid.
- Let's dive right in.
153
00:07:13,393 --> 00:07:15,811
"In college, I met two women,
154
00:07:15,812 --> 00:07:17,939
and I became
'friendly' with them."
155
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,774
- Could be anyone.
- "To preserve their privacy,
156
00:07:20,775 --> 00:07:23,360
I will call them
Sophia and Valerie."
157
00:07:23,361 --> 00:07:25,738
Okay, it's us.
158
00:07:27,449 --> 00:07:29,909
- Well, I will put your contact
in as first name, "the,"
159
00:07:29,910 --> 00:07:32,871
last name, "most beautiful
girl in the world."
160
00:07:36,082 --> 00:07:38,459
You know, I'm so happy
I sprung for the 12-pack
161
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:41,462
from Baskets USA
because looks like,
162
00:07:41,463 --> 00:07:44,089
I'll be sending another
one out tomorrow morning.
163
00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:46,759
- Did you send your hookup a
post-sex breakup gift basket?
164
00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:47,760
Of course.
165
00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:50,763
It's what Derek Jeter
did in his prime.
166
00:07:50,764 --> 00:07:53,849
Who knows how to do classy,
casual sex in New York City
167
00:07:53,850 --> 00:07:56,602
better than noted American
sex Yankee Derek Jeter?
168
00:07:56,603 --> 00:07:58,229
That is an old rumor.
169
00:07:58,230 --> 00:08:00,189
Jeter himself said
it's not true.
170
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:02,274
Jeter, you discreet devil.
171
00:08:02,275 --> 00:08:04,945
He will take his basketing
secrets to the grave.
172
00:08:06,321 --> 00:08:07,696
- Okay, there are a couple
things to hit in this video.
173
00:08:07,697 --> 00:08:10,157
- So I made some bullet points.
- What? No, babe.
174
00:08:10,158 --> 00:08:12,493
You know why they're
called "bullet points"?
175
00:08:12,494 --> 00:08:14,162
They shoot spontaneity
dead.
176
00:08:14,871 --> 00:08:17,082
- I think we should just wing it.
- Uh, okay.
177
00:08:17,624 --> 00:08:20,751
Hey, guys! I have a
huge announcement.
178
00:08:20,752 --> 00:08:22,878
- Guess who's joining me on tour?
- It's me...
179
00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:24,797
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
180
00:08:24,798 --> 00:08:27,675
the inspiration behind Jay
Street.
181
00:08:27,676 --> 00:08:30,511
We are back together
and so happy.
182
00:08:30,512 --> 00:08:33,264
- That's right...
- I can't wait to see you all on tour
183
00:08:33,265 --> 00:08:35,933
and share our love
story with you.
184
00:08:35,934 --> 00:08:39,853
Dates below, and we added a
second night in Myrtle Beach.
185
00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:43,650
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace!
- We... We love... cocks.
186
00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:46,777
- Okay. I think that's pretty
good. Should I post it?
187
00:08:46,778 --> 00:08:50,197
- Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know, that
kind of felt a little bit more like
188
00:08:50,198 --> 00:08:52,491
a solo than a, than
a duet to me, but...
189
00:08:52,492 --> 00:08:55,786
- Really? Okay, we can do
another one. It's funny.
190
00:08:55,787 --> 00:08:57,622
Felt like you were
talking a lot.
191
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:02,585
Hello, Courtney.
192
00:09:02,586 --> 00:09:03,670
You're here.
193
00:09:04,713 --> 00:09:05,714
Um...
194
00:09:06,590 --> 00:09:09,174
Courtney, this is Sid. Sid,
this is Courtney, my, um...
195
00:09:09,175 --> 00:09:11,261
His hookup from last night.
196
00:09:12,095 --> 00:09:13,596
Sorry for the ambush.
197
00:09:13,597 --> 00:09:15,764
I usually play it cool,
198
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,600
but I thought, what the hell?
199
00:09:17,601 --> 00:09:20,185
Charlie's putting himself
out there by sending me this
200
00:09:20,186 --> 00:09:21,896
"I like you" gift basket.
201
00:09:21,897 --> 00:09:24,900
Might as well let him
know I like him, too.
202
00:09:33,199 --> 00:09:35,410
Wool suit. Wool suit!
203
00:09:47,923 --> 00:09:50,674
I can
feel the sweat...
204
00:09:50,675 --> 00:09:53,469
♪ Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
205
00:09:53,470 --> 00:09:56,513
♪ My neck, neck, neck ♪
206
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:58,140
51.
207
00:09:58,141 --> 00:10:01,227
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
208
00:10:03,897 --> 00:10:06,149
Mother!
209
00:10:12,614 --> 00:10:15,282
Think.
210
00:10:15,283 --> 00:10:17,326
Think.
211
00:10:17,327 --> 00:10:19,704
There's gotta be
a way outta here.
212
00:10:21,081 --> 00:10:23,624
Oh ho! She's open!
213
00:10:23,625 --> 00:10:27,087
♪ I'm here to shine,
shine, shine ♪
214
00:10:35,345 --> 00:10:38,847
♪ This is how I die, die, die ♪
215
00:10:38,848 --> 00:10:40,975
Why does this room even exist?!
216
00:10:48,692 --> 00:10:51,485
"Every brunch was a masterclass
217
00:10:51,486 --> 00:10:53,779
"in female-to-female cruelty.
218
00:10:53,780 --> 00:10:56,490
"Yet, every time
little blond Sophia
219
00:10:56,491 --> 00:10:59,326
"and her fiery sidekick
Valerie called,
220
00:10:59,327 --> 00:11:00,661
I couldn't resist."
221
00:11:00,662 --> 00:11:03,038
So, I'm a sidekick now?
222
00:11:03,039 --> 00:11:06,000
- And she called you fiery,
which is hella problematic.
223
00:11:06,001 --> 00:11:07,835
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre.
- Yeah, well,
224
00:11:07,836 --> 00:11:10,546
she clearly hates us,
too, and with good reason.
225
00:11:10,547 --> 00:11:14,341
We were such passive-aggressive
mean girls to her.
226
00:11:15,719 --> 00:11:17,261
Yeah, true.
227
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:19,972
Do you wanna stick
around and apologize,
228
00:11:19,973 --> 00:11:23,226
- do the right thing?
- No! Let's get outta here.
229
00:11:27,814 --> 00:11:28,857
Oh, my God!
230
00:11:29,858 --> 00:11:33,612
I can't believe it, but the real
Valerie and Sophia are here.
231
00:11:34,863 --> 00:11:37,781
This is so brave of you both.
232
00:11:37,782 --> 00:11:39,575
Please, come join me!
233
00:11:39,576 --> 00:11:41,660
Together, we can heal.
234
00:11:41,661 --> 00:11:43,287
Come on. Come on.
235
00:11:43,288 --> 00:11:44,914
Let's support them.
This isn't easy.
236
00:11:44,915 --> 00:11:47,291
- I can't believe this
is how we get canceled.
237
00:11:47,292 --> 00:11:50,336
- I can't believe Deirdre
chose that as her author photo.
238
00:11:50,337 --> 00:11:52,422
Stop it.
239
00:11:53,465 --> 00:11:55,133
I'm sorry.
240
00:11:55,926 --> 00:11:57,551
- Wait, w-why are you sorry?
241
00:11:57,552 --> 00:11:59,011
Isn't it obvious?
242
00:11:59,012 --> 00:12:01,805
I used you to make
myself feel better.
243
00:12:01,806 --> 00:12:03,515
Before I she-toxed,
244
00:12:03,516 --> 00:12:06,937
I thought of you two
as my pathetic friends.
245
00:12:15,153 --> 00:12:17,863
How's it going over
there, sex Yankee?
246
00:12:17,864 --> 00:12:20,866
- It's great, actually. I
really misjudged Courtney.
247
00:12:20,867 --> 00:12:22,243
I mean, she's lovely.
248
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:24,286
She's funny. She's really smart.
249
00:12:24,287 --> 00:12:26,497
She's actually a genius.
250
00:12:26,498 --> 00:12:28,249
At the Apple Store.
251
00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:31,085
I'm really glad that she mistook
my "thanks for the hookup" basket
252
00:12:31,086 --> 00:12:33,337
for a "let's go on
a real date" basket.
253
00:12:33,338 --> 00:12:36,298
- Again, neither of those
are reason to send a woman
254
00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:38,051
salami and lotion.
255
00:12:38,718 --> 00:12:39,927
You know, poor Hannah.
256
00:12:39,928 --> 00:12:41,805
Clearly stuck in a
basket-less marriage.
257
00:12:44,015 --> 00:12:47,601
- So, we just cannot wait
to be up on that stage
258
00:12:47,602 --> 00:12:50,438
performing together
for all of you.
259
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,898
Babe, do you wanna
say a few words?
260
00:12:52,899 --> 00:12:54,191
Yes, I do. Thank you.
261
00:12:54,192 --> 00:12:55,985
Um, being apart from Meredith
262
00:12:55,986 --> 00:12:58,028
was the most difficult
time of my life.
263
00:12:58,029 --> 00:13:01,198
And I'm just so glad that she
asked me to get back together.
264
00:13:01,199 --> 00:13:03,660
That's right. I took him back.
265
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,995
- Well, actually,
I-I took her back.
266
00:13:05,996 --> 00:13:07,663
Best decision I ever made.
267
00:13:07,664 --> 00:13:11,125
Was being taken back by me
268
00:13:11,126 --> 00:13:14,211
because I took him
back. I'm the taker.
269
00:13:14,212 --> 00:13:18,091
Well, actually, you
were taken. By me.
270
00:13:19,718 --> 00:13:21,719
Ow! Damn it!
271
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,429
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
272
00:13:25,807 --> 00:13:27,058
No reason.
273
00:13:27,934 --> 00:13:29,518
Dude, she's gonna
ruin his life again.
274
00:13:29,519 --> 00:13:31,896
I know it. And just
like these wine glasses,
275
00:13:31,897 --> 00:13:34,190
I'ma be left to
pick up the pieces.
276
00:13:35,692 --> 00:13:37,485
Is that why you
broke the glasses?
277
00:13:38,236 --> 00:13:39,863
For the metaphor?
278
00:13:40,447 --> 00:13:42,032
Ooh, what a showman.
279
00:13:47,829 --> 00:13:50,498
Wait, you think we're
the pathetic ones?
280
00:13:51,333 --> 00:13:54,501
- Did you not read the
book? You're what I called
281
00:13:54,502 --> 00:13:56,045
my "could be worse-ies"
282
00:13:56,046 --> 00:13:57,963
because whenever I was
feeling bad about myself,
283
00:13:57,964 --> 00:14:00,090
I would hang out with
you and think it could...
284
00:14:00,091 --> 00:14:01,467
- We get it!
- Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
285
00:14:01,468 --> 00:14:03,886
I know. I am not proud of it,
286
00:14:03,887 --> 00:14:06,263
but there was a time in my life
287
00:14:06,264 --> 00:14:07,598
where your many,
288
00:14:07,599 --> 00:14:09,308
many struggles
289
00:14:09,309 --> 00:14:10,851
were like my fuel.
290
00:14:10,852 --> 00:14:13,854
I just bought a
condo in Hoboken.
291
00:14:13,855 --> 00:14:15,857
Huge with waterfront views.
292
00:14:16,775 --> 00:14:19,485
You two still in that
tiny walk-up in Queens?
293
00:14:19,486 --> 00:14:21,445
Mm-hmm.
294
00:14:21,446 --> 00:14:23,530
I'm training for a Spartan race,
295
00:14:23,531 --> 00:14:26,784
so I'm eating really
clean and in bed by 9:00.
296
00:14:26,785 --> 00:14:27,952
More bacon?
297
00:14:27,953 --> 00:14:30,204
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
298
00:14:30,205 --> 00:14:33,249
I just got an
advance on my memoir.
299
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:34,458
Oh!
300
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:37,086
You're making furniture now? Hm.
301
00:14:37,087 --> 00:14:40,632
Oh, sweetie, you're
thinking of armoire.
302
00:14:41,132 --> 00:14:42,634
Oh...
303
00:14:43,593 --> 00:14:45,762
That is not what
happened at all.
304
00:14:46,763 --> 00:14:49,890
- They're processing.
It's perfectly healthy.
305
00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:53,978
I am so sorry for exploiting
your many struggles.
306
00:14:53,979 --> 00:14:56,605
Mea culpa, Sophie.
Mea culpa, Valentina.
307
00:14:56,606 --> 00:14:59,276
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
308
00:14:59,818 --> 00:15:01,819
You were the pathetic one.
309
00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:02,945
Wait, what?
310
00:15:02,946 --> 00:15:05,030
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
311
00:15:05,031 --> 00:15:07,033
That was your name. See?
312
00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:10,035
Wow! Okay.
313
00:15:10,036 --> 00:15:11,912
Um, She-Toxers!
314
00:15:11,913 --> 00:15:14,915
What we're seeing here
is a textbook case
315
00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:16,709
of toxic twisting.
316
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:20,379
I think it
is clear which of us up here
317
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:22,006
was "the P word." I mean,
318
00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:23,883
you two could barely
afford brunch,
319
00:15:23,884 --> 00:15:25,801
and I bought a
condo when I was 25!
320
00:15:25,802 --> 00:15:29,513
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so...
321
00:15:29,514 --> 00:15:31,265
Uh, doesn't count.
322
00:15:31,266 --> 00:15:34,143
Don't laugh at that!
323
00:15:34,144 --> 00:15:36,979
At least I am not
broke and day drunk.
324
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,857
We are not day drunk! Yet.
325
00:15:39,858 --> 00:15:41,609
Yeah, and you know what?
326
00:15:41,610 --> 00:15:45,070
We might not have some fancy book
with no pictures in it, okay?
327
00:15:45,071 --> 00:15:46,530
But we have each other.
328
00:15:46,531 --> 00:15:48,657
Oh, good for you!
329
00:15:48,658 --> 00:15:51,201
You two are so goddamn annoying!
330
00:15:53,371 --> 00:15:56,749
is what pre-she-tox
Deirdre would have said.
331
00:15:56,750 --> 00:16:00,294
She's a fraud!
She's still toxic!
332
00:16:00,295 --> 00:16:04,173
- No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have changed, I swear.
333
00:16:04,174 --> 00:16:07,635
I just find these
two very triggering.
334
00:16:07,636 --> 00:16:09,929
So now she's
using the word "triggering"
335
00:16:09,930 --> 00:16:12,973
to justify her bad
behavior. We hate that!
336
00:16:15,810 --> 00:16:19,021
Ooh... We are not canceled,
337
00:16:19,022 --> 00:16:20,315
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
338
00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:23,943
- You wanna go get day drunk?
- Yeah.
339
00:16:25,862 --> 00:16:27,529
- Bye, D.
- Eh!
340
00:16:27,530 --> 00:16:29,531
- Good to see you!
- Uh-huh!
341
00:16:34,287 --> 00:16:36,914
♪ When
I crawl through the vent ♪
342
00:16:36,915 --> 00:16:40,042
♪ It's like, ooh,
there she went ♪
343
00:16:42,879 --> 00:16:44,381
Goddammit!
344
00:16:46,841 --> 00:16:47,925
Oh, my God.
345
00:16:47,926 --> 00:16:50,177
That's my meeting.
346
00:16:50,178 --> 00:16:53,181
- Okay, first thing's first.
Let's take attendance.
347
00:16:53,723 --> 00:16:54,933
- Kyle?
- Here.
348
00:16:55,642 --> 00:16:56,643
Ellen.
349
00:16:59,104 --> 00:17:00,104
Here.
350
00:17:02,816 --> 00:17:03,816
Tomas?
351
00:17:03,984 --> 00:17:05,067
Yeah!
352
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:14,535
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
353
00:17:21,126 --> 00:17:23,794
- I-I don't understand. In what
world did you take me back?
354
00:17:23,795 --> 00:17:26,213
You came to me, told me you
regretted breaking up with me,
355
00:17:26,214 --> 00:17:27,882
and then asked me to
go on tour with you.
356
00:17:27,883 --> 00:17:30,342
Okay, yeah, sure.
Those are the facts,
357
00:17:30,343 --> 00:17:32,553
but, like, what were the vibes?
358
00:17:32,554 --> 00:17:34,889
Okay, okay. Fine.
359
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:36,641
You took me back.
360
00:17:37,142 --> 00:17:38,142
But,
361
00:17:38,143 --> 00:17:40,603
this album, the tour,
362
00:17:40,604 --> 00:17:42,187
even this video,
363
00:17:42,188 --> 00:17:44,857
it isn't about what
actually happened.
364
00:17:44,858 --> 00:17:47,651
I mean, you gotta think about
it like... this is a movie,
365
00:17:47,652 --> 00:17:49,069
and I'm the main character.
366
00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:52,156
- If you're the main character, then
what does that make me? Like, an extra?
367
00:17:52,157 --> 00:17:53,533
No.
368
00:17:55,285 --> 00:17:58,747
Makes you the extremely
handsome love interest.
369
00:18:00,832 --> 00:18:03,626
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right. You're right.
370
00:18:03,627 --> 00:18:05,211
Let's just go with
the first video.
371
00:18:05,212 --> 00:18:06,713
- Really?
- Yes.
372
00:18:07,255 --> 00:18:08,673
Okay, thank you.
373
00:18:09,341 --> 00:18:11,343
I'm gonna go send this
to the team.
374
00:18:17,474 --> 00:18:19,892
- You okay?
- Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
375
00:18:19,893 --> 00:18:21,268
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
376
00:18:21,269 --> 00:18:23,062
I was making too big of a
deal about that video, right?
377
00:18:23,063 --> 00:18:25,623
I mean, she should be the main
character. She's... It's her tour.
378
00:18:27,859 --> 00:18:29,152
- Jesse.
- Yeah.
379
00:18:29,653 --> 00:18:32,322
- Dude, Meredith's always
gonna be the main character.
380
00:18:33,156 --> 00:18:35,324
She's always gonna
put herself first.
381
00:18:35,325 --> 00:18:37,534
And I-I tried to hold my tongue
'cause I know you're happy,
382
00:18:37,535 --> 00:18:38,869
but, dude, at the
end of the day,
383
00:18:38,870 --> 00:18:41,289
I just think you deserve
someone who actually loves you.
384
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:43,083
And Meredith doesn't.
385
00:18:46,795 --> 00:18:48,296
Uh, got it.
386
00:18:51,841 --> 00:18:54,510
- So I'll, uh, I'll
see you Saturday then.
387
00:18:54,511 --> 00:18:57,429
I was thinking we
could, uh, picnic.
388
00:18:57,430 --> 00:18:59,391
Well, we already have
the basket, so...
389
00:18:59,933 --> 00:19:01,809
- You Charlie?
- Uh, yes.
390
00:19:01,810 --> 00:19:04,645
- Got your dozen "Gourmand
Paradise" baskets from Baskets USA.
391
00:19:04,646 --> 00:19:06,897
You got a good deal, dude.
392
00:19:06,898 --> 00:19:08,275
Sign here.
393
00:19:11,194 --> 00:19:12,237
What's going on?
394
00:19:13,405 --> 00:19:15,407
It's a funny story,
really. Um...
395
00:19:16,575 --> 00:19:19,536
Are you familiar with New
York Yankee Derek Jeter?
396
00:19:21,329 --> 00:19:23,330
Oh, my God.
397
00:19:23,331 --> 00:19:26,458
This is a "thanks for a
one-night stand" basket?
398
00:19:26,459 --> 00:19:27,877
Are all those other
baskets for...
399
00:19:27,878 --> 00:19:29,461
- Other women that I will
meet and sleep with, yes.
400
00:19:29,462 --> 00:19:32,339
- You can keep your
low-rent, post-sex basket.
401
00:19:32,340 --> 00:19:35,134
Next time, just ghost
like a normal asshole.
402
00:19:35,135 --> 00:19:36,845
- Low-rent?! Did you...
403
00:19:37,637 --> 00:19:39,639
Did you not see the
truffled almonds?
404
00:19:40,056 --> 00:19:41,599
I slept with Jeter.
405
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:44,102
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
406
00:19:47,022 --> 00:19:49,691
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
407
00:19:56,656 --> 00:19:57,948
- Hey.
- Hey.
408
00:19:57,949 --> 00:19:59,993
Just, uh, getting ahead
of packing for tour.
409
00:20:01,703 --> 00:20:04,455
- Really excited to see you
at the, uh, Long Island show.
410
00:20:04,456 --> 00:20:07,541
Charlie and I are thinking of renting
a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
411
00:20:07,542 --> 00:20:10,211
We're gonna write, like, "Jesse
Express-e" on the windows.
412
00:20:10,212 --> 00:20:13,047
Like, all aboard the
Jesse Express-e! Woo-woo!
413
00:20:13,048 --> 00:20:14,924
- Yeah, maybe, actually, it's
better if you don't come.
414
00:20:14,925 --> 00:20:16,176
- Woo... What?
415
00:20:17,177 --> 00:20:18,678
- Really?
- Really.
416
00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:21,138
When I'm standing on stage
with the woman I love,
417
00:20:21,139 --> 00:20:22,431
I kinda wanna look
into the audience
418
00:20:22,432 --> 00:20:24,809
and see the faces of people
who actually support me.
419
00:20:26,519 --> 00:20:27,771
Okay...
420
00:20:39,491 --> 00:20:40,617
Woo-woo.
30926
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