All language subtitles for The Boatniks (1970)

OPERATOR: Coast Guard, this is the
Burbank Temptress.

Calling Coast Guard.

Burbank Temptress,
this is the Coast Guard.

Go ahead.

I'm afraid we're lost, Coast Guard.

I can't seem to get a fix
on our position.

Go ahead.

Burbank Temptress,

are you equipped
with a magnetic compass?

Yes, we are.

Do you have any beer on board?

Yeah, we're loaded.

Do you happen to have a can of beer

next to the magnetic compass?

(OPERATOR LAUGHING)

Sorry to bother ya, Coast Guard.

One more time.

(UPBEAT WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Boatniks

Boatniks

Dramamine Dragon
calling Coast Guard.

Dramamine Dragon,
this is the Coast Guard. Go ahead.

OPERATOR: We ran into some fog
and we're lost.

Dramamine Dragon,
what was your last position?

About an hour ago, I thought we
were heading south off Point Fermin.

If you could tell us
the depth of the water you're in,

we might be able to get an idea
of what your position is from the charts.

Do you read me, Dramamine Dragon?

I said, how deep is the water?

(CRASHING SOUND)

Do you mean under the boat
or in the boat?

Hang tight, Dramamine Dragon,
we're on our way.

Full speed ahead, Walsh.

(BOATS CRASHING)

How do you want your steak?

- I want that well done.
- It may take a while.

All right, let's have another drink then.

Hey, let me see that steak.

Fire!

(SCREAMING) Look out, fire!

Honey, do something.

Where there's boats and water
and a sky of blue

There's a swingin' summer paradise

And a very special kind of people

Who are nautical but nice

Could you give us some room, fellas?

Easy now. Watch it.

There's a step.

Watch your step now.
Up, easy, there we are.

Garlotti, clear off that table.

Full speed ahead, Walsh.

Careful, dear. Careful.

Don't worry, little mother,
I'm right here by your side.

Do, do, do, do
do, do, do

Do, do, do, do, do
do, do, do

Do, do, do, do, do, do
do, do, do

Do, do, do, do
do, do, do

Do, do, do, do
duh, do, do

Do, do, do, do, do
do, do

Do, do, do, do
do, do, do

Do, do, do, do, do
do, do

Do, do, do, do, do
duh, do, do

Do, do, do, do, do
do, do

Do, do, do, do, do
do, do

Boatniks

(SIREN)

Oh, thanks.

Boy, this place is getting
crazier every day.

It's not enough to be
a lifeguard and a fireman.

Now you gotta be a midwife.

You handled it like a pro, Lieutenant.

And they wonder why
I put in for a transfer.

Boy, will I be glad to get out of here.

I don't know.

You won't find anything
like that where you're going.

Yep, I know.

JORDAN: But that's what's
so frustrating.

You're too worn out at the end of the day
to do anything about it.

JORDAN: Well!

- Good work, Lieutenant.
- Thank you, sir.

I certainly hate to lose you.
A good midwife is hard to find.

Well, sir, I hate to go.
If there were any way at all

of calling back that transfer, I would.

JORDAN: But the new man's
on his way, so I guess it's too late.

Don't snow me, Lieutenant.

Volunteering for two years' iceberg duty

is taking the coward's way out.

Well, sir, I thought I needed a change.

Well, I think I have the right replacement
in Ensign Garland.

I served with his father,
Admiral Garland.

Admiral Garland. That's a familiar name.

"Torpedo" Tommy Garland.

In one year in the South Pacific,

his submarine sank 77 ships.

We've got a guy in an outboard
who does that on a weekend.

I wonder what's keeping him?
He should've been here by this time.

WOMAN ON RADIO: Unit 54,
what is your 1020?

Unit 10. Roger.

I've got my license right here, Officer.

I'd like to congratulate you, Ensign,

for setting a new state record for moving
violations in a quarter mile stretch.

Officer, could you tell me about it
while you're writing the ticket?

Cutting illegally from lane to lane,

using the shoulder
of the roadway for passing,

exceeding the speed limit
at an off ramp, and...

- Officer, you're not writing.
- What's the big hurry?

Well, I'm reporting to my new station
and I'm terribly late.

WOMAN OVER RADIO: All units,
this is an all points bulletin

from the state highway patrol.

Be on the lookout for three men

in a late model sedan. Make unknown.

These men are suspects in a $2 million
Los Angeles jewel robbery.

Stand by for further.

- Fill her up.
- I'm hungry.

I'm gonna get an ice cream bar.

Look, Harry. Look.

The highway's crawling with cops.

Stop trembling, would ya?
Stop trembling.

Of course the highway's
crawling with cops.

They're busy protecting
law-abiding citizens like us.

But what if a cop stops us?

What if he gets suspicious

and starts nosing around the...
The trunk of the car? We've had it.

There's no reason to be suspicious.

You're trembling.

Hey, fella, this thing don't work!

Forget it, Charlie.

Harry, you sure this is the best plan?

I mean, it's gonna take us forever
to get to Mexico.

Look how jammed the roads are.

It's perfect. Perfect.
We get lost in the crowd

on our way to see
the bull fights in Tijuana.

What are we?
Three aficionados on our way to...

Charlie!

Are you out of your mind?

Well, I put my money in and
I didn't get my Fudgsicle.

All right, move it. Move it.

- Come again, sir.
- Oh, sure.

Slower, Max. Slower.

Slower? We just got passed
by a kid on a skateboard.

Anybody want a bite of Fudgsicle?

- It's good.
- Oh, Charlie...

Pay attention, the signal's changing.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- We got hit.
- Right in the trunk.

I hope it didn't harm the jewelry.
It's not insured.

All right, just keep cool.
Let me do all the talking.

I'm terribly sorry.

Yeah, let me give you a hand, sailor.

Guess my mind was on other things.

Of course it was.
On our country's defenses.

And we did stop short.

Why, you have every reason
to be livid.

Ah, there you go. No harm done.

All right, men, back in the car.

Oh, but I smashed into your trunk.

Just a scratch.

And I'm sure you're anxious
to get back to your ship.

Well, yes. I am a little late but...

Hear that, folks?

They're still turning out
those seafaring men devoted to duty.

Why, this boy would gladly
go down with his ship.

He will if he sails like he drives.

COMMUTER: It was the kid's fault.

I saw the whole thing
through my periscope.

You have the unmitigated gall

to accuse a boy
who would gladly give his life

defending Old Glory, huh?

You stand up...

Is that a red star I see
painted on your submarine?

He's right. It was the sailor's fault.

Another patriot heard from.

- Hoarding any can goods lately?
- (SIREN APPROACHING)

You again, Ensign?

I'm afraid I hit the back
of their car, Officer.

It's nothing serious, Officer.

I'm sure we can settle it
between ourselves.

Good, I'll get rid of this crowd.

Yeah, I wish you would.
They're in an ugly mood.

All right, let's break it up, everybody.

Load up, get in the car,
let's get it out of here.

I wish you'd let me pay for the damage.

You keep your money. You'll need it.

- Oh, please.
- I know how it is with you sailors.

Girl in every port. Anchors away.

On to Mexico.

WOMAN ON RADIO: All units,
additional on the three suspects

in the jewel robbery in Los Angeles.

They are believed to be headed
for the Mexican border.

All units from Orange County
to San Diego County

are ordered to establish road blocks.

Stand by for additional.

On to Mexico?

Get in the car.

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

GIRL: So nice to see you here.

JASON: Ahoy, Ensign.

Are you talking to me?

Are you the replacement
for Lieutenant Jordan?

- Yes, I am.
- Oh, great.

I'm Jason Bennett.

This dear thing is Tina.

- Hi.
- Hello.

And these are some little friends.

Hi!

Hi.

GIRL 2: Come on board. Join the party.

Uh, thanks, but I can't right now.

Oh, but you must. It's in your honor.

In my honor?

Actually, it started
a couple of days ago

as a going away party
for Lieutenant Jordan.

But we just thought we'd keep it going

as a welcoming party for you.

Uh, that's very nice.
But I still haven't, uh, reported yet.

JASON: Well, you better hurry back.

Your party ends at 6:00.

Then we start our salute
to the Lusitania.

ALL: Bye!

Gangway!

KATE: Ahhh!

ENSIGN: Did I do that?

I'm terribly sorry.

You see, I was getting out of the way

and my duffle bag must have
hit the can of paint.

And, uh, well, I'm terribly sorry.

So am I. I never looked good in yellow.

That's not helping.

- Is there anything I can...
- No.

- Could I at least...
- No!

- Well, not even...
- No.

Just leave.

Yes, I am late, but...

(SIGH)

Excuse me, where can I find
Commander Taylor?

Uh, he's aboard
the Point Maley, Mr. Garland.

We've been expecting you, sir.

I'm, uh, Seaman Wagner.
Let me take your gear, sir.

Oh, Wagner, thank you.

SEAMAN: Well, it'll last
for several months, sir,

but then it'll have to be replaced.

Well, you better write up
a requisition then.

Yes, sir.

Ensign Tom Garland
reporting to duty, sir.

Oh, I'm glad to have you
with us, Garland.

Well, thank you, sir.

This is Lieutenant Jordan.
You're relieving him as a skipper

of the Point Maley.

- Welcome aboard.
- Oh, thank you, Lieutenant.

Jordan's gonna stay on until you're
familiar with your boat and your crew.

- Thank you, sir.
- Coming from a seafaring family

as you do, that shouldn't take
more than a day or two.

I served with your father, Garland.

Really, sir?

Oh, if you're half the man
"Torpedo" Tommy was,

we're proud to have you with us.

- Thank you, sir.
- Why don't you let, uh,

Jordan show you the boat
then find a place to live?

And if it's still early enough,
why don't you come on back here?

We'll have a real
old-fashioned bull session.

Bull session? Yes, sir.

Uh, Mr. Garland,
this is bosun's mate Walsh.

- He'll be your exec.
- Welcome aboard.

Walsh.

I'm really looking forward
to this command.

Oh, you're gonna love it here, Tom.
Great duty.

Just look at that beautiful bay.

(FAST PACED JAZZ MUSIC)

ENSIGN: What are they all
doing out there?

Enjoying themselves, Tom.

Just enjoying themselves.

Well, folks, what do you say
we start at the bow

and work our way aft?

Yes, sir. Follow me, sir.

WALSH: Up here, you see, we have
our fire fighting gear.

At least the bulk of it.

WALSH: We have one unit
completely self-contained.

Another midship
works off the boat's pump.

WALSH: Now these,
with what we have aft,

we can handle any emergency.

Now you see, down here
we have another unit.

Mr. Garland!

- Go get the life ring.
- Yes, sir.

TAYLOR: Mr. Garland!

There is no swimming allowed
around the Coast Guard dock.

Yes, sir. I'll try to remember that, sir.

HARRY: You guys almost finished?

About halfway, Harry.

Just gotta scoop out
a couple loaves of bread

and some more pickles.

What do I do next?

Take that pickle,
put a couple of diamond rings in it.

All right.
What's taking you guys so long?

Uh, Charlie got hungry
so he had to have a snack.

He had a chicken and a pickle

and a couple of ankle bracelets.

Wow, that's a terrific outfit, Harry.

Commodore! Do you mind?

From now on,
I'm Commodore Simmons.

Member of every exclusive
eastern yachting club.

HARRY: Champion blue water sailor.

And personal friend of the
late Sir Thomas Lipton.

Now, where did I put that book
on sailing for beginners?

- It's over there on the table.
- Ah.

I still say it's a crazy idea
to try to sail to Mexico.

Crazy idea, huh?

Now look, they got
road blocks to the south,

road blocks to the north
and cops watching every airport east.

That leaves us two ways to go.

Straight up or west.

But why a sailboat?
Why not a motor boat?

Much too obvious.
That's just what they would expect.

Now what could be more innocent
than three gentlemen of leisure

cruising to Acapulco?

But you've never sailed before.

There's no problem
as long as we take this book.

I think you should take
another book. The Bible.

Max, I'm warning you.

Well, why take a chance on the wind?

- We got the...
- I agree with Max.

- You never sailed a boat before.
- But the book...

I don't think that book
will take us past the breakwater.

The book'll take...

You realize, of course,
I can charge you both with mutiny.

In a motel room?

Walsh,

who is that girl?

WALSH: Kate Fairchild?

She runs the boat rental
and sailing school.

She thinks that life is saltwater,
fresh air and clean living.

Fortunately, there aren't too many
of those weirdoes around.

There aren't too many
that attractive either.

Yeah, I guess she's attractive

in a girl-next-door sort of way.

Oh, but check that action.

- Where?
- There.

Oh!

(GIRLS LAUGHING
AND CHATTERING)

They make lousy neighbors.

But they're sure a lot of laughs.

Looks like Jason's been
to the Purple Pussycat

and shanghaied a whole new crew.

Should be an interesting cruise.

- Cruise?
- Uh-huh.

- Jason's boat never leaves the dock.
- Why not?

Well, for one thing, it's got no motor.

You're kidding.

He took it out and put in a wine cellar.

WAGNER: Mr. Garland.

Yes.

We just got a call in from RCC.
An emergency dispatch, sir.

Emergency, emergency!
Garlotti, start up the engines.

Wagner, crank up the radar.

Somebody get Lieutenant Jordan.
Walsh, please stand by.

- I am standing by, sir.
- Good!

We wanna shove off as soon as
Lieutenant Jordan comes aboard.

Prepare hot soup and blankets
for the survivors.

Seaman, give me a hand
with this tarpaulin.

What's the emergency?

A rowboat stuck on the rocks.

What a shame.

A guy like that deserves the Titanic.

Look busy.

Here are the sails, Stanley.

KATE: Now remember,

this time, when you hoist the main sail,
get it all the way to the top.

Ahoy there, skipper.

KATE: Well, hello.
Can I help you with something?

Yes, you see,
we're going on a picnic and...

See, there's a picnic hamper.

HARRY: Yeah,
so we'd like to rent a sailboat.

Something suitable
for a cruise, like to, uh,

Catalina.

Catalina? I thought you said
we're going to go to Mexi...

He's so anxious.

KATE: Well, I'm, uh... Excuse me.

I've got this 28-foot ketch.

Would that be all right?

My father, the old sea dog,
always use to say to me

as we were standing on
the deck of his brigantine,

he'd say, "Son, if you must rent an boat,

"make sure it's a ketch."

Have you got something
a little smaller?

See, I haven't done much sailing.

Ah, bilge water!

The man's a regular jack-tar.

Why, it's a thrill to see him
at the fantail.

Sturdy hand on the spinnaker.

That's a neat trick.

You see, the spinnaker's forward.

Huh? Is she quick?

I was just testing you, ma'am.

After all, I wouldn't want to rent a boat

from a girl who didn't know
her spinnaker from her fantail.

Huh? She's great, right?

I'd like the cut of your jib, ma'am.

Come on, Kate. Before we lose the wind.

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I have a sailing lesson.

Could you put up the sails?

Could Magellan find the Horn?

Well then, I'll see you later.

Smooth getaway.

- She knows.
- Oh, shut up.

KATE: Bye!

All right, come on.
Start putting up the sails.

That's your job, Magellan.

I'm warning you, Max.
Come on. We got work to do.

Charlie, come on.

Folks, we'd like you
to stay where you are.

Don't move.

We're sending you a boat
to pick you up in just a few minutes.

You see, Florence?

I told you the Coast Guard
would come and get us.

Lieutenant, RCC called.
Boat capsized, sinking.

We gotta move out. Come on, let's go.

Hey!

Garland?

We just got a call up from RCC.

A boat capsized. Sinking.

You can handle this
without us, can't you?

JORDAN: We'll pick you up
on the way back.

I don't know why I ever let you
talk us into buying a boat.

I'm sick of the boat.

I'm sick of fishing.

I'm sick of the whole Pacific Ocean.

You know what I'm sick of?

ENSIGN: Ahoy, there.

Don't worry, we'll get you off the rocks.

I'll throw you this line
and I'll give you a tow.

Ahhh!

And the next thing you do
is snap the head of the sail

- to the halyard.
- What's a halyard?

A halyard is what you snap
the head of the sail to.

Now, look alive, swabbies,
or we'll never get to Mexico.

We'll try again.

I'll secure it.

You've done nothing right
since we started.

After all, I was a Girl Scout.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Oh...

Terrific, terrific.

It fell in our prop, sir.

Oh, no.

Give me a knife.

Uh, sir, we're drifting.

I know we're drifting.
Just give me a knife.

- And the tide's going out.
- I know the tide is going out.

Give me a knife.

Hey...

- Hey!
- Slow down!

Slow down!

They didn't slow down.

Whoa!

Hoist the jib. Somebody hoist the jib.

Ahhh, Charlie! Argh, Harry!

HARRY: I said hoist the jib!
Not Charlie!

CHARLIE: Harry,
do something! Max, help!

MAX: You're gonna be all right.

CHARLIE: Save me! Save me!

CHARLIE: Stop the boat!
Stop the boat!

Harry, do something.

Easy, Charlie. Easy.

Up.

Max is coming up to help ya.

Max, please hurry!

MAX: Hold on, Charlie! I'm coming.

MAX: Hold on.
CHARLIE: Max, hurry up.

CHARLIE: Get me down outta here, Max.
Get me down!

MAX: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Harry, the book, Harry. Read the book.

- (SCREAMING)
- Whoa!

MAX: Harry!
Steady the boat, Harry!

CHARLIE: Do something!
Harry? Harry?

Whoa, whoa!

Come down.

Come down.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Whoa!

CHARLIE: Max, do something!

Harry, I'm gonna drown.
I can't swim, Harry.

Oh! Uh!

Thanks, Max.

Don't mention it.

Harry?

CHARLIE: What does
the book say, Harry?

Harry!

Harry!

Ahhh!

- Right of way, right of way!
- Uh!

Harry!

(HORN BLARING)

Oh, Harry.

Hey, look over there in the rocks.

Looks like one of those
boats from the Coast Guard.

KATE: It's that new ensign.

What a shame.

Why don't we tack over there?

Look out, let's come about.

KATE: Ahoy, there.

Need any help?

No. This is just a drill.

What kind of drill?

Running aground on the rocks drill.

Throw us a line and we'll give you a tow.

Don't bother.

Oh, it's no bother.

As a matter of fact, I insist.

Charlie, trim the mainsail.

Do what?

Untie the rope.

Oh.

Not that one.

CHARLIE: Harry!

Harry.

Where are ya, Harry?
Where did you go?

MAX: How do you like sailing
so far, Harry?

HARRY: I'm warning you, Max.
MAX: Harry.

Let me in there.

Now, look what you've done.

What do you want from me?
I never trimmed no main sail before.

- I told you which rope.
- You told me and I pulled.

The wrong rope!

(THUD)

What's that?

I don't know. I think we hit something.

There's water in here.
Let's get out of here.

- Water, where?
- Harry, let's get out!

Don't panic! Prepare to abandon ship.

Follow your captain.

Buenas tardes, senores.

CHARLIE: Harry, look.

You did it. You got us to Mexico.

Mexico? Look, dumb-dumb.

Welcome to Tacos Muchos, senores.

I do wish that when you get back to...

- (MANY HORNS HONKING)
- To, uh, headquarters

that you...

(MANY HORNS BLARING)

FLORENCE: Shame we don't live in
San Francisco.

They could tow us home.

You'll see to it. Ha!

(HORNS HONKING)

Rescued by a girl in a sailboat.

What kind of image is that

- for the Coast Guard?
- Well, sir...

I'll tell you what kind of an image it is.

It's a lousy image.

This is the toughest
assignment on the West Coast.

Balboa's a seagoing freeway.

With all the rescuing
we have to do here,

the one kind of rescue we don't need
is rescuing the rescue boat.

Yes, sir.

Tomorrow, Mr. Jordan leaves
and the Point Maley is yours.

My advice to you is shape up.

Shape up. Yes, sir.

TAYLOR: Dismissed!

Garland...

If your father handled a boat
the way you do,

we'd all be speaking Japanese.

Japanese.

(NOISY CHATTERING)

- Oh, your hair's lovely.
- Thank you.

Oh, hi.

- Are you alone?
- Yeah, I am.

Oh, um,

why don't you give me five minutes?

Okay, you just wait over there
and I'll be right with you.

Right this way, please.

Oh, Clemens. Party of four.
I'll be with you in just one minute.

MAN: Hi, Elaine, nice to see you.

- WAITRESS: Dr. Clemens?
- Yes.

Your table's right over there.

WAITRESS: Oh, I'll have a table for you
in just a few minutes, sir.

Uh, have you bumped into anybody

or spilled any drinks yet?

- No.
- Oh.

But the evening's still young.

Right over there. I'll be right with you.

Your table will be ready
in just a minute, Mr. Garland.

Thank you.

And thank you, Miss Fairchild,

for coming to my rescue this afternoon.

Oh, it was nothing.

You're too modest.

My commanding officer
was very impressed.

I was just doing my duty.

Law of the sea you know.

Does the law of the sea
say you're suppose to wipe out

an entire career?

Let's not get uptight, Mr. Garland.

Remember me?

"Sadie, The Painted Lady."

I apologized for that.
Now what else do you want me to do?

Find a way to get the smell
of turpentine out of my hair.

That was an accident.

I didn't ask for
that kind of introduction.

All right.

Well, why don't we just make
a deal then?

You stay out of my life
and I'll stay out of your career.

- It's a deal.
- Deal.

- Deal, fine.
- WAITRESS: Hey.

I didn't know you two were friends.

Why don't you share a table?

It'd be a lot quicker.

Uh...

- Well, all right.
- Good.

But separate checks.

- Oh.
- You can't be serious?

No other explanation.

The fates are against me. I am jinxed.

You know when I was born?

When?

December 7, 1941.

At the naval hospital in Pearl Harbor.

That doesn't prove anything.

I took my training in Miami.

You know how
many hurricanes we had?

Twelve.

Well, that's not unusual for Florida.

In one week?

I mean, we got hit by Adele
through Lisa.

Mona followed me to Kansas.

And what about you?
The first time I met you

I soaked you with a can of paint.

That has nothing to do with fate.

- You're just clumsy.
- Oh...

You know what I think your problem is?

What?

I think maybe you just try
a little too hard

to live up to your father's reputation.

Well, maybe I...

Well, enough of my exciting life.

What about you?

- Me?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, mine's the same old dull story.

Mother a go-go dancer.
Father a cat burglar.

As you might expect,

the Fairchilds are a staid
old New England family.

Mother still spearheads committees

to keep the picnickers
away from Plymouth Rock.

And my father's always
turning out lights

whenever anybody leaves the room.

And you decided to kick
the establishment?

No, nothing so dramatic.
I just went to school out here.

Decided to stay on.

ENSIGN: Wise decision.

I mean, I wouldn't have
wanted to, you know,

go through life without running into you.

If you'll excuse the expression.

It has been fun.

As a matter of fact,

it's really been so pleasant.

Why don't we just forget about
the separate checks?

You pay mine.

Oh, I knew you weren't
the type to hold a grudge.

Oh, it's my Yankee blood.

Oh.

What do you think?
It's a Tom Garland first.

We, uh, finished dinner.

And I didn't even spill anything on you.

You see, you've broken your jinx.
I told you.

- Well, I'll drink to that.
- All right.

Oh!

So if we run into
a really serious fire at sea,

by running all the pumps,

both self-contained and auxiliary,

we can pump as much as
five tons of water per minute.

- Five tons!
- All right, any questions?

Wow! That's a lot of water.

Okay, good.

Now, if you all will step
into the wheelhouse,

I'll show you
some more of the equipment.

I'm very impressed, Mr. Garland.

Well, thank you, Miss Fairchild.

Your knowledge of seamanship
overwhelms me.

Oh, you're too kind.

You are truly a man of the sea.

Well, it's in my blood.

Now, if you will all step over
to the starboard side...

Port.

I better write that on my cuff.

And this is our weather information.

We get that from the weather
bureau and from the radio.

And this shows a low pressure
area moving in.

What does that mean, Mr. Garland?

Well, it could mean a number of things.

Low clouds, overcast...

We might even be in for a little fog.

What does that book
say about fog, Harry?

Not much.

But there's a whole chapter
on insubordination.

Harry, maybe we ought to stop
here for a while till the fog lifts.

The fog is just what we needed.

Perfect cover.

But how do you know
if you're going in the right direction?

You ever heard of dead reckoning?

Have you? Have you?

Is that what you're doing, Harry?

Of course.

All I have to do is keep an even keel

and a steady hand on the tiller.

And this time we wind up
in a Chinese restaurant.

(SHIP HORN SOUNDING)

(ENGINE RUNNING)

(SHIP HORN SOUNDING)

It's really closing in, sir.

Bearing 0-4-5 degrees.

Range 500 yards.

- What does that mean?
- There's a boat coming across our bow.

We'll have to go around to stern.

Right 10 degrees.

Right 10 degrees.

(SHIP HORN SOUNDING)

HARRY: Did you hear that?
MAX: I heard it.

Sounds like the foghorn of a boat.

Maybe they'd be able to help us.

- CHARLIE: Help!
- (SHIP HORN SOUNDING)

SOS! SOS!

Would you shut up, Charlie?

If there's one thing
we don't want, it's help.

I hear a motor.

MAX: It's getting closer.
You better change course, Harry.

HARRY: I'm changing, I'm changing.

Our blip is steering
a very erratic course, sir.

He's changed heading and
is back on our bow.

- A right standard rudder.
- Right standard rudder.

(HORN SOUNDING)

Isn't he supposed to answer?

He's supposed to.

- But he isn't.
- (HORN SOUNDING)

Whoa! What are you doing?

Give me room.

Our blip has turned again, sir.
We're still on collision course.

Where's the blip now?

He's in a sea return, sir. We've lost him.

(CRASHING)

We found him.

- MAX: We're sinking.
- I know we're sinking. Charlie!

It's the only one I could find.

Give me that. I can't swim.

Neither can a picnic basket.

Ahoy there, you all right?

You sank our boat!

You smashed it.

Send for the Coast Guard.

We are the Coast Guard.

ENSIGN: Walsh, lower the boat.

- Break out soup and blankets.
- Give me that.

Max, what are you... Max!

It's more important to cover the basket.

Harry!

Harry!

It's gone.

Somebody up there hates me.

Don't panic. We're lowering a boat.

I was wrong.

Somebody down here hates me.

Ensign Garland,
you are a menace to boating.

I know that sinking ships
is a tradition in your family,

but it should be theirs not ours.

It may be no excuse, sir,

but they failed to state their position.

We lost them in the sea return.

You're right. It's no excuse.

And the report does show, sir,
that we were in heavy fog.

It was a beautiful day
when you ran that boat on the rocks.

That's true, sir.

I am warning you, Ensign Garland.

Father or no father,

if you goof up just one more time,

not only will you lose command
of the Point Maley,

but I will write a fitness report
that wouldn't qualify you to...

To command a kayak
in the Bering Straits.

- Yes, sir.
- Dismissed.

HARRY: Okay, Max.
Stop the boat right here.

Yeah, that's it.

Are you sure that this is
where the picnic basket went down?

Are you kidding?
I'd know that buoy anywhere.

Now look, toss
the grappling hook overboard.

And, you, start fishing.

Now when you hook the basket,
bring it up very carefully

and make sure you don't spill
any of the food.

Harry, does saltwater ruin salami?

Not like white bread and mayonnaise.

Ahoy. What's burning?

Nothing's burning.

Then why did you radio us
that your boat was on fire?

Well, would you want
everyone in Balboa

to know that your husband
was locked in the head?

Garlotti, Wagner, get him out.

This is hard work.
Will you give me a hand, Charlie?

- Harry told me to fish.
- And you keep fishing.

It's all part of our master plan.
Charlie's our cover.

Does your master plan
include a... (STUTTERS)

- Wait a minute.
- What?

- I feel something.
- Come on.

- Give me a hand.
- Come on.

Well, that's just what we needed.

An out of tune guitar.

Keep grappling.

(WHISTLES)

(HORNS BLARING)

ENSIGN: Clear the area.

- (WHISTLES)
- Clear the area.

Clear the area. This is an emergency.

Mayday, mayday.
For heaven's sakes, mayday.

What happened?

I went to... I went to reach for my chart
and my skirt got caught.

Then I tried to get it out
and my scarf got caught.

Oh, for heaven's sakes, mayday.

First, stop your engine.

Reach around with your hand

and cut the throttle.

My hands are staying
right where they are.

All right.

I'll have one of my men swim over

and cut your dress loose.

I need a volun...

All right. Get rid of it.

- Max, start the motor.
- Giving up?

Yeah, we're never find
the basket grappling.

I'll have to figure out something else.

Reel in, Charlie.

- Charlie?
- I think I got a bite.

Charlie, would you put that pole down?
Max, let's go.

He's nibbling!

Would you give me that thing?

Oh!

It's gotta be a whale.

Wait! What are you doing?

Hold on, Charlie. Hold on.

- Charlie, let go, I said.
- I can't!

It's a rented pole!

What are you doing?
Don't leave the wheel.

- (SCREAMING)
- Harry!

Harry!

Will you let go of my neck?

- Walsh?
- Sir?

Look at that boat.

Looks like they're doing
at least 10 knots backwards.

- Head for 'em.
- Aye, sir.

ENSIGN: Ahoy, there!

Ahoy there, fishing boat!

HARRY: Let him go! Let him go!

ENSIGN: Throttle down that motor!

We can't!

Throttle down that motor!

That's an order!

How can we throttle it down?
We haven't even started it!

If you don't slow down,

I'll have to give you a ticket
for speeding!

Give it to the fish!

Whoa!

CHARLIE: Max!

Oh, oh.

Oh, oh!

Can I give you a hand, Mr. Mitchell?

Oh, no, no, no. Just practicing
lashing myself to the mast.

- Oh.
- Bound to run into a storm out there.

I hear you had a big day.
Rescued half the boats in the bay.

Oh, just routine, Mr. Mitchell.

Just routine.

A man told me you and your crew

really risked your necks out there.

Danger is our business.

Sure I can't, uh, talk you out of
taking that trip, Mr. Mitchell?

Oh, no. And don't you worry about me.

I've prepared myself

- for any emergency.
- Oh...

I've even gotten pretty good
at drilling my own teeth.

Well, good luck, Mr. Mitchell.

Well, hail the conquering hero!

I don't know why everyone's
making such a big deal

over a few simple rescues.

I think it's just plain relief.
You were sinking so many boats

nobody knew where you were
going to strike next.

Thank you.

You know where Kate is?

At the Dexter slip.

Say... Do you wanna
come with us tomorrow?

We're going on our annual cruise.

You're actually going out in the water?

Renting a motor and everything.

- Where are you going?
- Across the bay.

That's the whole cruise?

Buzz Langley is giving a surprise luau

on his yacht for his ex-wife.

The boat's still in her name.

I'll have to pass. Try me next year.

Well, in case you change your mind,

what size do you take in a grass skirt?

Kate.

KATE: Hi.

Before you say a word,
what I did today was just routine.

Not anything any other
Coast Guard officer

wouldn't do and the rescues
weren't as sensational

as I'm sure everyone has told you.

I heard you were just fair.

I just got invited to
Jason's annual cruise.

Would you believe it's just
across the bay?

Don't laugh, last year it took him
three days to get there.

- Three days?
- And four nights.

Oh, I believe it.

Oh, uh...

Your picture's in the paper.

I wish everyone wouldn't
make such a big deal

out of all these rescues.

ENSIGN: Oh, it's for the fishermen.

Don't you notice anything strange
about that photograph?

Outside of the fact
that it's not my good side,

no.

I mean, you don't think it's odd

that you're the only one
anybody can recognize?

Every photographer loves a pretty face.

Tom, I don't think those men
wanted to have

their photographs taken.

With a fish like that, come on, Kate.

Well, I think they're phonies.

And I think you're being
overly suspicious.

Oh...

Well, you may be right.

I suppose it's perfectly natural

for three men to catch a
record 565-pound sea bass

and not want to have their
photograph taken.

What are they doing
with the diving suits?

Beats me, sir.

All set, Charlie?

Harry, I don't think this is gonna work.

Of course it's gonna work.

You heard the man at the surplus store.

All we have to do is read this pamphlet.

Why me, Harry?
I don't know how to dive.

Give me a hand, Max.

All right, head for their boat, Walsh.

Ten degrees to starboard.

Make it look casual.

Yes, sir.
Ten casual degrees to starboard.

I hope that book is better
than the one you had on sailing.

There was nothing wrong
with that book.

It just didn't include a chapter

on how to avoid being sunk
by your own Coast Guard.

MAX: Speaking of the Coast Guard.

HARRY: Start fishing.

Well, for heaven's sakes,
don't catch anything.

Now, they want us to think
they're fishing.

Any sign of the guy in the diving suit?

No.

Keep heading for them.

Casually?

Just steer.

MAX: Harry, what's that?

HARRY: What's what?

- HARRY: It's a shark.
- A shark!

Will you be quiet?
Any sudden noise and he might attack.

- The boat?
- No. Charlie!

He could eat him, the wet suit, snorkel,
the picnic basket, anything.

Here take this.

Shark! Man-eater!

Stop thrashing.

The shark will know you're afraid.

He's already found that out.

Shark!

- CHARLIE: Shark!
- Mr. Garland?

There's a man in the water
yelling shark.

Wagner, break out the rifle.
Throttle down.

Harry!

Charlie...

Don't panic.

Stay calm.

Charlie, don't worry.

It says in the manual
sharks don't like to eat people.

Tell that to Long John Silver.

Harry...

That Coast Guard guy's
got a gun in his hand.

Charlie's got a better
chance against the shark.

Hold your fire.

He's just a kid.

(GUN SHOTS)

Harry, he got him.

Poor Charlie. What a way to go.

Charlie, you're all right!

Charlie, Charlie, I'm so glad to see ya!

I think I got the bends.

Just don't depend on me
for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Max, come on.

CHARLIE: No, no, no!

Max, my mind is made up.

I wouldn't go into water
again, even in a submarine!

What do you want to do? You wanna
leave two million bucks down there

for the sand dabs and the halibut?

Oh, and don't forget the sharks.

Charlie, with your share of the loot
you can spend the rest of your life

- walking down easy street.
- With a wooden leg.

Charlie, take my personal word for it...

Quiet, quiet!

Hello, is this long distance, operator?

Long distance? To where?

I'd like to place a call
to Tokyo, operator.

To... Tokyo?

That's right. Yes.
It's person to person for Mr...

Masomori Tanohara.

The number is Fujiyama 325...

Five. 2571.

Right.

Now, if there's no answer,

try Kamikaze 62914.

Yes.

Okay, I'll wait.

Harry, I'd like to ask you
a personal question.

Why are you calling Tokyo?

- Why am I calling Tokyo?
- Why are you calling Tokyo?

I'm calling...

Hello? Hello, Masomori!

It's Harry Simmons.

Yes, yes! Oh, fine.

Still raising Cain
in Cherry Blossom Lane,

you sly old samurai, you?

Harry, why are you calling him?

How's your wife?

Sorry about that.

How's your geisha? Good!

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Harry, why?

Look, Masomori, baby, I need a favor.

Well, I... No, no, no camera.

What? Forget the motorbike.

What I... I've got watches!

Now listen.

What I'm really in the market for is...

Do you know a good pearl diver?

(BRASS BAND PLAYING)

That's a girl.

But the best thing to do
is get down there and shoot.

All right, let's hustle up,
fellas, come on.

Okay.

All right, right about here.
This will be swell.

Just a head shot.

Not too much of the zoom.
Zoom in and out. Okay?

Good luck, Mr. Mitchell.

Thank you, Mr. Garland. Thank you.

Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me.
Get the kids out of the way, will ya?

All right, you set now?

A two shot, okay? All right?
All right, speed.

Good. Mr. Mitchell?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, Mr. Mitchell, I'm not
gonna keep you too long

because I know that you're anxious
to get on your trip around the world.

That's right.

I know our viewers
are anxious to find out

how your family feels about this.

Well, why don't you ask them?
They're right there.

Oh. Move it. Move it back, boys.

Okay, let's clear it up. Right.

Good? Okay, fine. All right.

Oh, are these all the Mitchell kids?

This is the whole Mitchell family.

Okay, Mrs. Mitchell?

Mrs. Mitchell, how do you feel
about an epic voyage

that will keep your husband
away from home for three years?

I certainly hope so.

Hi.

What did you find out?

They said it would take days

to check all the eastern yacht clubs

for a Commodore Simmons.

Oh...

What do you think they're up to, Tom?

I don't know. But you're right.
They're up to something.

Uh, maybe they're smugglers.
Or even spies.

If they are, we just won the Cold War.

Did Simmons tell you
where they're staying?

Yeah, I think it's
the Yankee Clipper Motel. What?

I'll go over there
and see what I can find out.

- Tom?
- Yeah?

Well, what if they
come for the boat again?

I don't know. Stall them till I get back.

All right.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh! Look out! Look out!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, oh...

(BABIES CRYING)

I don't see any guy
that looks like a Japanese pearl diver.

What did you expect, him to get off
the plane in a bathing suit?

Maybe he missed connections in LA.

Yeah, I better call
the airport in Los Angeles

and see if there's a Miss...

Hold the phone.

You guys see what I see?

Will ya... Will ya...

Excuse me, miss. Are you the one...

Are you the one that was...

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

What does that...

Hey, it's for me.

"My name is Chiyoko Kuni. I..."

"I am pearl diver sent by
honorable Masomori Tanohara."

Yeah, okay.

"I am very honored to make
your honorable acquaintance."

Me, honorable Harry Simmons.

What a beautiful chick.

Too bad they couldn't send somebody
who could speak English.

In our line of work,
it's always good to do business

with someone who can't talk.

Come on.
You come, come, come, come.

You come. He Max.

- I'm Charlie.
- Yeah.

I'll tell her. Charlie, Max, Harry.

(QUIET CHATTER)

I beg your pardon. Could you...

Mr. Garland, what are you doing here?

Oh, I was just going
into the coffee shop.

Great little place to eat.

Oh, yeah. I was just registering.

Of course, sir.

Mrs. Taylor and I are registering.

We're having our apartment painted.

We're just gonna be here until...

Why am I explaining all of this to you?

Uh, we'll be checking in about 6:00 p.m.

Your room will be ready, Commander.

- Room 52.
- Yeah, thank you. Thank you.

- Uh, coffee shop's through that door.
- Oh, thank you.

Say, you do have a
Commodore Simmons registered here?

Room 706.

I was just wondering if that was
the same Commodore Simmons

that I knew in, uh, Charleston.

No, this gentleman came from Kansas.

Leavenworth, I believe.

Oh, yes, yes.

He told me that's his winter home.

- When did he arrive?
- Last Tuesday.

It checks out.

Come. We, we live here.

Live here.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Coast Guard.

You're a little late if you wanted
to sink our car. We just parked it.

Nice to see you again, sir.

This is my cousin Shirley
from Pittsburgh.

Oh.

Come, we go casa.

Chiyoko, you listen.

You listen.

(SPEAKING BROKEN JAPANESE)

What did you say? What do you say?

I asked her to dive down
for honorable picnic basket.

Ask her if she would like
to have dinner with me tonight.

You li...

Get your own dictionary.

Picnic... (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Yeah, you no understand Harry?

Oh, okay. Okay.

Chiyoko, you watching. Watching me.

HARRY: I show you, huh?

I come. Oh, what I got.

I got a basket. Picnic.

Basket. See.

What is basket? Is inside.

Stuff.

What? Oh, looky!

Mmm, mmm.

Ah!

Mmm.

She understands.

Ah-so.

Ah-so. Now, now you go.

Well, what's happening?

The Japanese girl is taking off her robe.

Boy, is she taking off her robe.

I still don't understand
why they sent for a Japanese girl.

You would if you saw her
without her robe.

You sail and I'll spy.

Sayonara.

She just dived off the boat.

Maybe I should dive in and follow her.

How would you like a broken snorkel?

Over there. Aqui...

There she is!

MAX: What does she got?

- She's come up with something.
- What?

She's pulling it toward the boat.

Whatever it is,
it's not the picnic basket.

Maybe she's bringing it up
a piece at a time.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

- Ew.
- (SCREAMS)

Aw, it's an octopus.

- Octopus?
- Uh-huh.

HARRY: Chiyoko,

uh, (IN ITALIAN ACCENT)
picnic basket! Picnic basket!

Now, she's got me talking Italian.

(SPEAKING BROKEN JAPANESE)

Ah, picnic. (SPEAKING JAPANESE)

- Yeah.
- Ah-so.

I hope so.

She just dove back down again.

She's been down there a long time.

Maybe she was attacked by a shark.

With that body she could be
attacked by a shark,

scuba diver or submarine captain.

- Or an offshore oil driller.
- There she is! She did it!

HARRY: She's got the basket.
CHARLIE: Hey!

She understood every word I said.

Come on over here.

HARRY: Keep coming, baby.
MAX: Hold on to the basket.

They sent all the way to Japan to get
a diver to bring up a picnic basket?

Picnic basket? Let me see.

Picnic basket.

I still say this is ridiculous.

I need more proof.

More proof?

Look, they checked in
the day of the robbery.

Then posed as phony sailors

and then sent all the way to Japan

to get a diver to pick up a picnic basket.

Circumstantial evidence.

Oh, I'm sure glad you joined
the Coast Guard and not the FBI.

Listen, I need to see what's really
in that basket.

Now, just pull the car over
there into the shadows.

- A-ha, a-ha!
- A-ha, what?

I just found
the Japanese word for "bonus."

- "Bonus?"
- Yeah.

- I think we ought to give Chiyoko one.
- CHARLIE: She deserves it.

MAX: How much you figure, Harry?

Well, if I give her 100 bucks,
she'll be bound to Buddha for a year.

- I think that's fair.
- Chiyoko!

(SPEAKING BROKEN JAPANESE)
Bonus.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE) $100.

You're a little short, Harry.

I'm a little sh...

We've been had.

When did you learn
how to speak English?

I watched a lot of television last night.

The all inscrutable east bit, huh?

Okay, how much?

Oh, 25 thou should do it.

- ALL: 25,000?
- Are you out of your mind?

Hold it, Max.

We're in no position to argue.

Okay, Madame Butterfly, you win.

As soon as we negotiate with the fence,
you'll get your money.

Old Japanese saying,

"Girl who not take front money

"often wind up with egg fu
young on her face."

Hey...

This should take care of things, nicely.

Mmm, great kosher pickle.

Call me, for the next picnic.

Sayonara, baby.

If you say one word, just one word...

(SINGING) Oh, does baby love that fire

Lovely bauble long admire

This was Nippon I'll retire

Fred?

Fred?

- Fred?
- Yes, Thelma.

There's a Peeping Tom.

Peeping in your window?

Come on, come on.

Operator, may I talk to the police?

Never in my wildest dreams
could I believe that one of my own men

would become a Peeping Tom.

Especially one named Tom.

Sir, there is a
very reasonable explanation to this.

Of course there is. And I'm sure
the base psychiatrist will find it.

Sir, you can't really believe
that I was trying to peek at your wife.

No, not that she isn't very attractive.

But I was trying to peek into
Commodore Simmons' room, not hers.

Oh, you are sicker than I thought.

I was trying to look
into his picnic basket.

His picnic basket?

Sir, that's where the stolen jewels are.

Commodore Simmons is a jewel thief?

I would stake my entire reputation on it.

Let me put it another way.

I'm getting nervous.
We gotta get out of here.

Yeah, check out time is 1:00.

Hello, operator? I'd like to talk
to information in Tijuana.

- Tiju...
- That's in Mexico.

Don't he ever make any local calls?

- Who you calling now?
- Hello, information.

Buenos días?

- Who you callin'?
- Would you...

Would you be kind enough
to look in your Yellow Pages

under charter airlines?

(PHONE RINGING)

(MAN SINGING IN SPANISH)

Hello?

Hello, Trans-Mexican Airlines?

No, but I'll call him to the phone.

Pepe!

- Pepe!
- Eh!

- Telefono.
- Oh.

Gracias, Marta.

Why Trans-Mexican Airlines?

Why, why? I got a right to know.

Would you relax?
I told you I got a new plan.

- Hello.
- Trans-Mexican Airlines.

Pepe Galindo, El Presidente, speaking.

Yes, we are in the charter business.

Oh, but I'm sorry,
you call at a very bad time.

Well, because we got
two planes on lease

to Honduras Air Force.

And the other two planes
are on lease to El Salvador.

That's all? Nothing else?

Hey, señor, I'm sorry.

There's nothing left.

Except a sea plane.

A sea plane!

- Sea plane?
- That lands on water?

Well, that's perfect.
Balboa. That's in California.

That's right. Now, look,
could you be up here, say, by 2:00?

Great! Now, look,
land it three miles offshore, due west.

Hold on, hold on. You better make
that three miles and 10 yards.

Just to play it safe.

Mmm-hmm. Sí, Commodore.

At 2:00, eh? 2:00, eh, okay.

Adiós!

Adiós, mmm-hmm.

Hey, niños!

Everybody up! We got a job!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(FANCY BOAT HORN SOUNDING)

Hi there, sport fans!

Look at this. We're actually moving out.

So I can see.

But don't you think somebody
should be at the wheel?

I knew I forgot something.

See you in four days and five nights.

ENSIGN: Don't think I don't
appreciate this, sir.

Knowing what a busy man you are.

Oh, I'm not that busy.

How long does it take
to draw up court-martial papers?

Kate, you haven't heard
from Simmons again?

He hasn't changed his plans?

- No.
- Good.

You see, sir, he called Miss Fairchild

about an hour ago to reserve
his getaway boat.

His getaway boat?

ENSIGN: I know it sounds
incredible, sir,

but you'll see when we open up
that picnic basket.

TAYLOR: When we open up
that picnic basket...

- Oh, uh...
- It had better be loaded

with stolen jewelry, Mr. Garland, or I...

Excuse me, sir. They're here.

All right. Now, look busy, Kate.
Think of something to do.

Hey, Harry, how long will it take us
to fly to Mexico?

Charlie, watch it.

Ah, Miss Fairchild.

Is our boat ready?

KATE: Stop it, Moby.
HARRY: Nonsense, ma'am.

Nonsense. She loves me.

I have this way with kids
and with pelicans.

Our boat?

Uh, well, yes, it's ready.

Oh, excellent! Onboard, men.

The fish are jumpin'.

Oh, Commodore!

I'd like you to meet Commander Taylor.

He's commanding officer of
the Coast Guard station here.

How do you do, sir?
May I say you're doing a grand job.

- Onboard, men.
- Uh...

Untie the string.

ENSIGN: Commodore?

Um, Commodore, the reason
Commander Taylor and I

came down today was to, well,
to invite you onboard

- the Point Maley.
- Well, we should...

You see, it's invite a guest
onboard week with the Coast Guard.

We could share our
lunches and everything.

Well, that's very nice of you.
We are in a hurry.

You see, the sand dab flag is up.

But, Commodore, maybe I can
help you with your basket.

No, no help. Thanks.

Lord knows, you've helped
enough thank you.

- I insist.
- No help!

I don't need your help! Your help...

Back, back, back, you savage.

I'm afraid we have clumsily spilt

the contents of
your basket, Commodore.

The Coast Guard would be pleased
to buy you another lunch.

Oh, no harm done, sir.
This chicken is indestructible.

To say nothing of the salami.

I suggest, Mr. Garland,
that you return to your quarters

and consider yourself
relieved of command.

Will you get out of here?

- He's got a pickle!
- Come back, you crook!

Never mind the pickle.
Let's get outta here.

Oh, give me that.
You wanna get heartburn?

(CLUNK)

(GASPS) Tom!

Look!

That's it! That's it!

Stop!

Stop by the authority invested in me

by the United States government!

- They're getting away!
- I need a boat. What have you got?

- Well, just the day sailors.
- Sailboat. I'll never catch them.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, I need your help.

Go find Commander Taylor
and show him this.

- Uh-huh.
- And the pickle.

Follow that boat!

Tell Taylor we'll try to head them off
before they get out to sea.

Go on!

Slow down, Max. Don't you know
the speed limit is five miles an hour

in the harbor?

- Harry?
- That's better.

Now, just innocently head
for the channel.

Harry, I think we're being followed.

Followed by who?

MAX: It's that Coast Guard guy.

Doesn't that guy ever give up?

All right, Max. Full speed ahead.

And duck in behind those boats.

Well, why do you wanna go that way?
The channel's that way.

Will you stop arguing?
We're gonna lose them in traffic.

- (HORN HONKING)
- Will you get out of the way!

(HORNS BLARING)

Can't you keep a steady line
on this thing?

I'm trying to get through.
These guys keep cutting across.

(SCREAMING)

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN BLARING)

- Watch what you're doing!
- I know!

I'm trying. They're all
cutting in and out.

Through there.

Look out!

There they are. Over there.

Look out! Here comes one on this side.

(HORNS HONKING)

(HORN BLARING)

MAN 1: Come on, buddy! Move it!

Come on! Look out! Get out of here!

MAN 2: What are you, a weekend sailor?

MAN 1: Come on, let's go.

What are you, a weekend sailor?

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC)

WOMAN: Stay away from Wally.
He's vicious!

Ahoy, Butterfly The Third.

Our radio's out.

Would you send an SOS?

To the Davy Jones liquor locker

and tell them we're
marooned without vermouth

and we're running low on ice?

- We gotta get through!
- Get that thing out of here!

Come on, lady, will you get that thing
out of the way?

- Harry, he's coming.
- Coming, coming?

- What do you mean, he's coming?
- I mean he's comin'.

Max, get us out of here!

- MAX: I'm trying. I'm trying.
- Try getting us over there.

- He's getting closer.
- Yeah, too close.

Let's get out of here.

Here! Don't go without the bag.

(PARTY CHATTER)

(HAWAIIAN BACKGROUND MUSIC)

Right in there.

(PARTY CHATTER
AND MUSIC CONTINUES)

Welcome aboard!
You certainly got here quickly.

- Just a minute!
- Oh, it looks delicious!

What do you think you're doing?

Aren't you from the
Sea Breeze Delicatessen?

Sea Breeze Delicatessen?
Of course not!

- We're on a picnic!
- We're on a picnic.

Well, I certainly hope
they get here soon.

We threw an emergency
order overboard in an empty bottle.

Harry, here he comes.

- Now what do we do?
- We get outta here.

Hi. Do you hula?

Only on New Year's Eve.

WOMAN: Hi!
MAN: Hi.

How did you know
we were having a party?

Well, we saw your cocktail flag
through our periscope.

Hey, that's a perfect getaway.

Charlie, get in the submarine.

- That submarine?
- Will you do what I say? Get in the sub.

Oh, I don't want to go
under the water again.

- Do what I say, come on!
- It don't even belong to us.

Come on! They're gaining on us.
Get in there.

Hurry, Max. Move it, move it!

Max...

Oh, no!

(GRUNTING)

I can't, I can't!

Harry, we don't know how to run
a submarine. We'll all get killed.

- (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)
- What?

I'm sorry.

I find it tough
to speak English in a U-boat.

Come on! Get this thing going.

I'm trying to figure out how.

- Harry!
- Shh! He knows what he's doing.

Don't you, Max?

- (QUIET ROARING)
- We're underway.

- Better close your hatch, Harry.
- Yeah.

Hi, Tom. Do you play
the Hawaiian war drum?

All we have on board
is a castanet player.

No, look, have you seen
three strange men?

The boat's loaded with them.

No, one of them was carrying
a picnic basket.

- They just went over the rail.
- The rail.

Stop! I order you to stop!

Why? What did I do?

Okay, Max. Head for the channel.

Excuse me, sir.

Is this the boat where us
sea scouts are having a cookout?

Not hardly.

But it's time to do
your daily good deed.

All right. Follow that sub!

Stroke.

Stroke. Stroke!

If you find a message in an empty bottle,

make sure it gets delivered.

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

- Stroke! Stroke!
- Up periscope.

(STRANGLING NOISE)

Uh, watch it. Will you watch it?

My eye, my eye! (GRUNTS)

Do you have to?

HARRY: He's still after us.
CHARLIE: Who?

Our albatross.

Full speed ahead, Max.

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

Stroke, stroke, stroke!

They're gaining.

I can't make this thing go any faster.

- Prepare to dive.
- Underwater?

Down periscope. Oh!

- Ow!
- Shh, down!

Harry!

All right, hold it!

Up periscope.

A-ha! He doesn't know where we are.

Steady as you go, Max.
Head right for the open sea.

Hey, look! A periscope.

All right! After them, fellas!

But they're underwater.

There he is! There's Tom!

With the Sea Scouts.

He's finally joined the right service.

(SHIP HORN SOUNDING)

Walsh, drop the boarding ladder.

Boarding ladder. Excuse me, sir.

I know this is a foolish
question, Mr. Garland,

but what are you doing in that canoe?

We're chasing the jewel thieves, sir.

They're escaping in a submarine.

You are using a canoe rowed
by Sea Scouts

as a sub chaser?

- Mr. Garland.
- Sir!

Please, there's no time to lose.

Walsh, straight ahead into the channel
and full speed.

Full speed!

You think we lost them, Harry?

We're home free.

Conrad Weiss couldn't
have done it any better.

Hold your course, Max. Due west.

Down periscope.

- Ow!
- What, what, what?

Hey, Harry.

They got torpedo tubes and everything.

That's for spear fishing.

Yeah? Hmm.

You know what, Harry?

I'm starting to like this little sub.

After we cut up the loot,
I think I'll buy one all for myself.

You'll have to get
a much bigger bathtub.

This sounds absolutely preposterous.

I know, sir,
but what have you got to lose?

Nothing much.

Just 27 years in the Coast Guard.

Please, sir, give me permission

to institute standard
underwater procedure.

Why should...

- All right.
- Thank you, sir.

Garlotti, man the sonar.

On the double!

Harry, how long we
gonna stay underwater?

A few more minutes.

Then we surface
rendezvous with the sea plane

and why is that shark
swimming on his back?

MAX: Everybody's swimming
on their backs.

Something strange.

Up periscope.

CHARLIE: What do you see, Harry?

HARRY: The bottom of the ocean!

We're upside down.

Harry!

Phew! Max you gotta stay on the ball.

Can we surface now, Harry?

- Very well, prepare to...
- (SONAR PINGING)

(SONAR CONTINUING)

Sounds like there's
something wrong with our plumbing.

That's sonar.

- Harry!
- Shh!

(SONAR CONTINUING)

We got them. We got them, sir.

ENSIGN: Range, 200 yards.

They're coming closer.

What are we gonna do, Harry?

Cut the engines
and take her to the bottom.

(SUBMARINE CREAKING)

Now everybody, quiet.

(SONAR PINGS QUIETLY)

GARLOTTI: We seem
to be losing them, Mr. Garland.

Negative contact, sir.

- Stop all engines.
- WALSH: Stop all engines.

- Keep searching.
- Yes, sir.

- (SNEEZES)
- Gesundheit.

(SONAR PINGS LOUDER)

They picked us up again.

Harry, let's start the
engines and make a run for it.

- Don't panic.
- It's our only chance.

We can't out run that Coast Guard boat.

What are you gonna do, Harry?

I'm going to do what all
good U-boat commanders would do,

- make them think we're sunk.
- Aren't we?

Charlie, take the jewels out
of some of the chickens and salamis.

And, Max, rise toward the
surface without the engines.

(SONAR PINGS FASTER)

The signal's getting stronger, sir.

We're almost on top of them.

- Level off, Max.
- (SONAR PINGS RAPIDLY)

Charlie, stuff everything
in that torpedo tube.

- In the torpedo tube?
- You heard me!

CHARLIE: Pass me the big salami.

Torpedo tube stuffed.

Fire one.

We only got one.

Fire it.

(HISSING SOUND)

(BOOMING)

Fired.

Sir, something's coming at us.

Looks like a small torpedo.

If it is, it's the first kosher torpedo
I have ever seen.

It's a salami!

- Look!
- What is it?

ENSIGN: The little sub
must have blown up.

Too much pressure from the dive.

We better go back in
and order some diving equipment.

- Walsh?
- Sir?

- Drop a marker.
- Aye, sir.

Head for the breakwater.

(ENGINE REVVING)

- What's going on up there?
- Shh.

- What's that?
- That's their motors. They're leaving.

Take us up, Max.

Periscope level.

We did it! They're turning back.

Full speed ahead, Max,
and take her to the top.

Oh, Mr. Garland.

Shall I radio in and
have them send out a diver?

- Good idea.
- Right.

Tom!

What?

What do you suppose that sea plane's
doing out there?

Sea plane? Let me see.

- Commander Taylor!
- What is it?

What, what?

The sub!

Reverse course 180 degrees.

Well, I'll be... They didn't blow up.

It's the old Conrad fight trick.

Full speed and give her all she's got!

WALSH: Full speed.

- Sorry, Max.
- Don't mention it.

CHARLIE: Harry, there's the plane!

HARRY: They're coming after us again.

- They'll catch us.
- Never.

Full speed!

They're gaining on us, Harry.

I know they're gaining.

Faster, Max. Faster.

Faster, faster...

We'll never make it, Harry.

We'll make it. We'll make it!

We're almost at the plane.

Stop!

- Buenas tardes, senores.
- Glad to see ya.

- Are we ready to go?
- Sí, señor.

Is this cash or credit card?

Cash, cash. Let's go.

Charlie, the basket.

Welcome aboard
Trans-Mexican Airways.

I am your hostess, Marta Ramirez.

Coffee, tea or tequila?

Swell, take this, will you please?

All right, Charlie, get in. Max!

Welcome aboard
Trans-Mexican Airways.

I am your hostess, Marta Ramirez.

Coffee, tea or tequila?

Max, come on! Come on!

Welcome aboard
Trans-Mexican Airways.

I am your hostess, Marta Ramirez.

Coffee, tea or tequila?

Buttermilk.

Welcome aboard
Trans-Mexican Airways.

Cool it. You got me already.

PEPE: Your attention, please.

This is your captain speaking.

On this flight you will be
flying 6,000 feet,

more or less.

- The weather in Sonora...
- Will you take off, please?

They're turning around.

- Why are we turning around?
- You're going the wrong way!

We must face into the wind
to take off, señor.

Olé! Vroom!

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

Harry!

Where do you keep the tequila?

- Take off!
- What happened?

Let's go!

Ay, Chihuahua! We cannot take off.

We got too much weight!

Everybody lighten the load.

Throw something down!

- What was that?
- The parachutes.

Couldn't you find anything heavier?

We're not taking off!

We still have too much weight.

We must throw
something else overboard.

What? What's left?

- Just this.
- Just this?

- Harry!
- MAX: It ain't worth it, Harry!

- Harry?
- HARRY: Let me go!

Let me go!

- Harry.
- Harry!

Forget it, Harry.

- Those are the breaks.
- The breaks.

(SIGH)

Well...

Maybe the movie will be good.

You have done it, Garland.

You've come through.

You're "Torpedo" Tommy's son, all right.

- Thank you, sir.
- We'd better get on the radio

and have headquarters
alert the Mexican authorities.

Let's take all this, Garlotti,

and make an accurate list
for the authorities.

Tom, look.

I think we'd better put that in
with the rest of the inventory.

Isn't it beautiful?

Would make a wonderful
engagement ring, wouldn't it?

Perfect.

Oh, well.

You know something,
I can't seem to get it off my finger.

Funny.

Well, I, I guess
you'll just have to keep it.

But turn in the pickle.

I don't know how I'm gonna
break the news to my pelican.

That's his problem.

I don't wanna lose the girl
who helped me break my jinx.