Original subtitles

Joanne: Honey.

Honey!

[Blower shuts off]

I thought you were gonna tell Frankie to clean his room.

- I did. - Well, it's a pigsty.

I'll take care of it.

[Blower runs]

Hey! I'm trying to get ready for a date.

Now, if all this stuff isn't picked up in two minutes,

it's going in the wood chipper.

My hair is loving that thing. Can I borrow it?

Right after I do the dishes.

Da, da, da-la-da

Da, da, da-la

Da, da, da-la-da

The story of my life

[Cypress Hill's "Insane in The Brain" plays]

The trick is to open your throat

and breathe through your nose.

Adult Frankie: You might be wondering why we were doing this.

It's because yesterday...

This happened.

Hey, Dunlevy.

We're having a varsity party tonight.

Bros only.

No chicks or anything lame like that.

Yeah, that sounds awesome.

Well, be ready for some frosty brews.

- Yeah, man. - Yeah! Frosty brews.

- Yeah! - George: Let's do it. Let's go, dude.

Yeah, give me brews now. [Chuckles]

Yeah, we had never drank before...

Which is why we were practice drinking,

which is as stupid as it sounds.

Dude, if I pound this, I'm gonna get messed up.

What are you, a muffin? It's apple juice.

Do you know how much sugar's in this stuff?

Bottoms up, bitch.

Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug!

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

[Gags]

You know I use that to put oil in my car, right?

[Belches]

Are you drinking?

No, no, no no no. It-it's apple juice.

Okay, well, then I got no follow-up questions.

I think they were practice drinking.

And then after practice drinking comes real drinking.

And then, the next thing you know, he's your Uncle Kenny.

Boy, you piss yourself at two weddings...

that's all they remember you for.

I got to nip this in the bud.

Can I do a one-person intervention?

What am I talking about? Of course I can.

Joanne, settle down.

I know exactly what to say to him.

Alcohol...

May be the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon mankind.

Makes conversations more interesting,

people more attractive.

Oh, like wigs.

It can also ruin your life,

which is why you're not ready for it.

There's a picture of you upstairs,

holding a beer when you're 18.

Yeah, I was also in the Navy, fighting for our country,

so I'll tell you what.

You enlist and lose a couple buddies to a land mine,

and feel free to knock a few back.

Okay, I get it. We're not going to the party.

If I stopped you from attending every party with alcohol,

you wouldn't be leaving this house for the next four years,

and... I can't have that.

So, you can go.

Really? Thanks, dad.

Stop. Not so fast. We're not done.

Don't worry. We won't do anything stupid.

History suggests otherwise. Follow me.

Mom, I just want to tell you how proud I am of you

for going back to law school, even though you're really old.

And I'm proud of you

for getting slightly better at compliments.

Oh.

So, I've been thinking.

You know how I can drive now and I'm almost in college

and grown-ups hit on me.

I didn't know about that last one.

Well, it happens.

Anyway, you've always felt that I was mature, right?

Yes.

And you believe that women should be empowered, right?

You're damn right they should.

Then it's settled. I'll go on the pill.

Great talk. Thanks, mom. Bye.

Ooh.

When can we stop spinning?!

Jack: In a minute.

You see, alcohol degrades judgment and motor skills.

Now stop.

So, even when you see danger, you can't always avoid it.

- Ow! - stand in the place where you live

- Now face north

- You will call from that party,

checking in by 9:00.

- Think about direction

- Ohh!

- Ohh! - wonder why you haven't before

You will not drink any alcohol,

or the consequences will be severe.

Ohh!

- Ow! - Aah!

Yeah, okay. You've proven your point. You can stop.

Yeah, I know I can, but I rented this thing for an hour.

- Oh! - Aah!

Oh, would you look at that. Curve balls.

Ow!

We were on our way to a party with varsity bros.

Preparation was key.

I heard when Jimmy Ortega was a freshman, he passed out

and they drew a bunch of penises on his forehead.

[Laughs] That would suck for you, dude.

I could fit 1,000 chubbers on that five-head of yours. [Laughs]

Well, I'd rather have a big five-head

than look like a garden gnome.

Oh, snap. You do.

[Both laugh]

Mikey loved giving us crap but hated getting it.

And we knew when to stop.

Hey, guys, we should be psyched right now, you know.

We're going to an all-bros varsity party.

What could be cooler than that?

If there was girls there.

Dude, you so don't get it.

Our daughter's making a huge mistake.

Is this about bangs?

'Cause I can't have that conversation again.

No. She wants to go on the pill.

The pill. The pill.

I know what the pill is.

She's not ready to have sex.

She's 17. How old were you when you lost your virginity?

16, but it was different. He had a motorcycle.

[Stammers]

Look, I don't want Rachel having sex, either, but...

You can't stop your kids

from doing what they're going to do.

You have to trust them.

Wrong. Bad instincts.

We have to protect them from themselves, okay?

It's a scary place out there.

What are you talking about, "out there"?

We don't live on the edge of a haunted forest.

You're overreacting.

Oh, okay, okay.

Well, then, let's just get Rachel

a pay-by-the-hour hotel room

and send Frankie to that alcohol party.

He is at that party.

What?! You said you were handling it.

I talked to them. I made it clear.

Check in at 9:00. Do not drink.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey. What's up, fresh meat?

You guys want to kick it here...

You got to chug.

Ohh, okay. So, you told them not to drink.

Phew!

I am gonna sleep like a baby tonight.

Joanne, I gave them my trust

they will not disappoint me.

Huh. Honey, what time do you have?

Um, yeah, hmm.

- It's so strange, 'cause I have 9:15. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I could have sworn the boys were supposed

- to call at 9:00. - Yeah, mm-hmm.

Admit you're doubting your decision to just trust them.

I... I'm not because they are going to call.

- Okay. Good. - Mmmm.

But we weren't going to call.

Because according to our watch, it was...

Booze o'clock!

That night, we found out what kind of drunks we were.

I was the light-bulb drunk.

I got an idea.

We could pool our money together and buy a helicopter.

Then we could report the news.

[Imitates explosion]

George was whatever kind of drunk this was.

Back again

Adult Frankie: Big surprise...

dancing was frowned upon at all bro parties.

[Clattering]

And Mikey was "the one who got away" drunk.

I never should have let Leila get away.

I loved her.

You dated her for like a week in 5th grade,

and she gave everyone lice.

That's a lie!

Okay. Dude, relax.

Don't tell me to relax!

What the hell?

Did you just disrespect the pad, bro?

Boyz II Men, b-boyz II Men

Boyz, boyz, boyz, boyz

Boyz II Men, a-b-c-b-b-d

Mm-hmm

What are you guys watching?

- "Back to the future"? - No.

Funny thing about time machines. They're not real.

[Chuckles]

So, if you do something in life that you really regret,

you can't take it back.

Are you talking about having Frankie?

What? No.

You know, having sex is a very big step.

Whoa.

- Are we gonna have sex? - Shut up, Doug.

Mom, I do not want to be talking about this right now.

'Cause there's a lot more to the act than just taking the pill.

You know, there's a huge emotional component.

Like what if you don't like it but Doug does?

Or what if you do like it and Doug doesn't?

Please, Doug would like it.

Doug, stop nodding.

Joanne, may I have a moment with you, please?

Oh, sure. Okay.

I'll be right back.

Until then, I'll leave you with this.

AIDS.

What are you doing in there?

Dropping mom bombs.

I can't let her go through with this.

Bad instinct.

You can't smother them on stuff like that.

Kids need space.

Yeah, space, like the space you gave Frankie,

who, by the way, still hasn't called.

[Telephone rings]

I'm sorry. Uh, the phone was ringing.

Let me just answer that, and then I'll help you tackle

that Rachel problem you're having so much trouble with.

Where the hell are you?

Uh, sorry, Heather. No, Frankie's not here.

Bye, now.

[Receiver clicks]

[Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" plays]

Not worried.

Hi. Fellas.

- All right, dig it

- I'm looking for three guys about your age.

Cold cooling at a bar

Is it us?

No, junkies. Focus here.

They're at a party in this area

being thrown by baseball players.

You know where that might be?

The girls are all around

I heard something over there.

Great. You're pointing at a bush.

All right, you should know

that marijuana causes low sperm count and man boobs.

Have fun with that.

- [Tires squeal] - at the other end of the bar

Having drinks with some no-name chump

When they know that I'm the star

Okay, guys, hold up.

Before we go in, do you think my dad's gonna be able to tell

that we've been drinking?

I asked the guy, "why you so fly?" He said, "funky cold medina"

No. We're good.

We should do something about our breath, though,

so, uh...

Chew these pine needles.

Whoa, there's a chair.

Funky cold medina

Who cares if your dad catches us? Don't be a bitch.

Oh, I'm a bitch?

You're the one that got us just kicked out of a great all-bro party

because you can't get over some stupid girl.

There's the sign. Abort. Abort.

It's better than any alcohol

Let's just go in, and we'll play it cool.

A couple of sips of this love potion

- And she'll be on your lap

- [Exhales sharply]

[Clatter]

[Snoring]

Joanne: So, where were you?

Jack: Out.

Were you looking for the boys?

- No, I went out for some milk. - Oh.

Where is it?

- I pounded it in the car. - Weird.

Well, you'll be glad to know that I had a great conversation with Rachel,

and I think I kept her from rushing into things.

- Did you? - Yes.

Because Doug's car is missing and Rachel's not here. Weird.

She's right there, reading the literature that I gave her.

Right where?

I took a shot as a contestant on the "love connection"

Damn it, Rachel!

Now, I am not saying

that her running off with her horny boyfriend

is a direct result of you ignoring my advice

to give her space.

I'm implying it with... with this look.

- What I'll be getting

- Mm-hmm.

- Instead she started talking 'bout plans for our wedding

- Hey.

Good evening, Dunlevys. You both look well.

- [Belches] - That's why I found you don't play around

No, go on... you were saying something

- about how to handle our children? - with the funky cold medina

You know what I'm saying?

Frankie, look at me. Look at me.

- Look at me. - Ouch!

How much have you had to drink,

and why does it smell like Christmas in here?

A lot of stuff happened tonight, Joanne.

Okay, you know something?

If I were you, I wouldn't speak for the next couple of weeks.

Where's George?

He's sleeping on the lounge chair.

Oh.

- Hmm. - Joanne: Okay, this is great.

The wheels have officially come off.

Our son's a booze bag,

our daughter's off with her boyfriend, doing God knows what,

and we've lost someone's child!

George's parents don't know that, though.

Joanne, I will handle this.

Stay here, wait for Rachel, and r-remain calm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, mom wasn't really the "remain calm" type.

Uh, hey, excuse me.

Where do people your age park and have sex?

Hey, weren't you just a dude?

[Chuckles] Damn it, stoners!

You should know marijuana is a federal crime,

so if you're gonna get arrested,

don't let it be for that cheap-ass skunk weed.

Looks like he fell out of this lawn chair.

He clearly had a struggle with the hose,

knocking over one of my potted plants, tracking dirt.

He leapt over here,

and then here, and here, and then here, and then here.

It's as if he was dancing.

[Laughs]

For sure. The kid's got rad moves.

Yuk it up there, buddy boy.

The only reason I haven't torn you a new one

is because I have to find your friend first.

Dad, I know you're mad that we drank, but...

yeah, but I'm more pissed because you made me look wrong

in front of my wife.

And for that, hell shall reign down upon you.

Where the hell have you been?

Lay it on me.

Have you and Doug already done it?

[Grunts] Why can't you be a normal mom

and just make me Mac and cheese or something?

Mm-hmm.

Mac and cheese is for girls who wait!

[Grunts]

Hey, Mrs. Dunlevy. We were...

Listen up, Doug.

I go to law school now, so I know all the laws.

So watch it, or I'm gonna send you to a place

where you are the girlfriend.

God, I'm so grounded, dude.

I'm never gonna see Heather again.

[Mocking] Oh, I'm never gonna see Heather.

You're so whipped, bro.

At least I have a girlfriend.

Watch yourself, dude.

Maybe it was the booze talking, or I was just fed up,

but I decided to just blow right through that sign.

Or what?

You and Leila lice-head are gonna...

[both grunting]

Get off me.

No, you stupid ape!

- Really? - No.

All right, come on. Enough. Enough.

Knock it off. Get up. Get up.

[Sighs]

I leave you alone for two seconds,

and all hell breaks loose?

[Leaves rustling]

And we found George.

[Laughing] Hey, Dr. Dunlevy.

Want an apple?

The next morning, I just wanted to sleep forever.

Rise and shine, vomit squad!

[All groaning]

Now, I don't know about you guys,

but I am feeling really pumped up about America this morning.

[ "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays]

- [All groan] - Oh, yeah.

Huh?

That's the way you start a day! Am I right?!

Huh?! Right?!

So, let's go!

Let's start the day right, huh?!

So, this is how it's gonna go down.

You three are gonna clean this place top to bottom

so it no longer stinks like something died in here.

First step, find out what died in here.

We're sorry.

We promise we'll never drink again.

Your promises don't mean anything.

From now on, there will be no more trusting

you'll make the right decisions.

I am gonna be on your ass like the stink off a dead raccoon,

which, by the way,

is what I'm guessing you're gonna find in here.

There were actually two.

One had eaten the other.

Seeing my dad change his approach with us

inspired my mom to rethink hers.

So, are you going to interrogate me about last night?

Actually, no.

I trust you'll tell me what happened if you want to.

Good.

And I'm sorry if I went a little crazy on Doug.

Yeah.

He called me crying,

and I had to pretend I wasn't grossed out by his emotions.

Oh, you really are your father's daughter.

Anyway, I've given it some thought,

and if you still want to go on the pill,

we can do that.

Just so you know...

Doug and I didn't have sex last night.

I decided I'm not ready.

Yes!

And I respect your decision.

But I still want to go on the pill.

Because I want clearer skin and bigger boobs.

Don't we all?

Hmm.

You guys looking for that dead raccoon?

No.

Why not?

Why would we want to find a dead raccoon?

[Sighs] Whatever.

Dude, can I crash here tonight?

You punched me in the face last night because I ragged on you

even though you rag on us all the time.

You know what? Forget it. I'm out of here.

Good, 'cause I don't want a friend

who thinks he can be a tool to us

and we can't say anything back just 'cause...

my dad left, all right?

What?

He's done it before, but...

I don't think he's coming back this time.

- [4 Non Blondes' "What's Up?" plays] - Dude.

Right then, I realized why Mikey wouldn't take our crap.

He was already up to his neck in it.

If either of you try to hug me, I'm going to punch you.

I'll risk it.

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Okay, from the constant sound of dry heaving

coming from that garage, I think our little punishment worked.

I still think my first idea was better.

Jack, there is no world

where I am ever going to let you dangle our son off a bridge.

Trust me. Fear of death is a powerful motivator.

Well, I did take some of your advice...

Oh? And gave Rachel a little more space,

- and guess what. - Oh. Hmm?

It kind of worked. - and guess what. - Oh. Hmm?

It kind of worked.

Of course it did, and you're welcome.

Do you want to tell me? Something that you did

that was inspired by me?

I bought face wash, and I see a real difference.

Jack, just admit you think I was a little right, too.

I would love to because it would mean the end of this conversation,

but I-I-I just can't.

[Laughing] Come on. Why not?

I heard you tell the kids that you were gonna be

- on their asses from now on. - Yeah.

That's, like, my signature move.

Yeah. I said it, but it's impossible.

There's no way we can know what they're doing 100% of the time.

We would have to quit our jobs, buy a surveillance van.

Is that an option?

I don't want to be around our kids 24 hours a day.

I'd rather wait until I die to go to hell.

But how do you sleep at night,

knowing we can't make sure they're safe?

Easy. I knock back three fingers of bourbon before I hit the hay,

and I rest easy,

knowing that you've spent 17 years raising those two,

and they're good kids.

[Breathes deeply] Hmm.

That's very sweet of you,

but sometimes I'm not sure I did enough.

Hey, um...

Can Mikey stay over?

Fine, but no leaving the premises.

Okay.

Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

You need anything else?

No.

Um, I just wanted to tell you guys that I love you.

And, uh, I'm glad you're around.

Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh

I take it back.

I'm awesome.

Are you about to cry?

I am such a good mom.

Ew, is mom crying?

Unfortunately, yeah.

I will not let your black hearts ruin this moment for me.

- For a destination

- [Sighs]

What the...

Going someplace?

We were just gonna go take a swim in the pool.

I said no leaving the premises.

I thought you were gonna return that thing.

Hmm, yeah. I would have missed it too much.

Go back to your room.

Oh! Ohh!

[Clattering]

[High-pitched voice] What the hell?

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