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Oh. Sorry I'm late.

How long till the kids come home?

One hour.

Take your clothes off right now

and get your tight buns upstairs.

Upstairs? I didn't pay to remodel that kitchen just to cook food in it.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

You know it.

Oh, no!

We just came for potato chips.

Strange choice for a last meal.

- Aah! - Aah!

That's why you knock!

Hello, Carol.

Consider yourself lucky I'm wearing this much.

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Okay, Rachel's coming in.

Do you want me to take the lead on this talk?

I know she can be a little bit of a handful for you.

This is a teenage girl.

College talks should be easy,

but this wasn't just any teenage girl.

Hey, guys.

Before we talk about this school stuff,

I want to thank you both for initiating this dialogue.

I'm touched by your concern.

Thank you.

What was I gonna say?

We talked a little while ago about...

About making yourself more attractive to colleges.

How do you think that's going?

Good. I lost three pounds and got highlights.

Your guidance counselor says you have no extracurriculars.

That's not true. I started P-GADD...

popular girls against drunk driving.

Oh, yeah? I'm the president of F.A.B.S.

Hmm?

Fathers against B.S.

Good line. Strong.

Thank you.

The point is

that you got to start living up to your potential,

because if you don't, you're not gonna get a job.

Mom doesn't have a job.

Are you saying she hasn't been living up to her potential?

Yeah, is that what you're trying to say?

No. No.

What I'm saying is that you got to challenge yourself.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there,

because yesterday, I made a decision

that addresses all of your concerns.

What's that?

I'm joining the wrestling team.

See you two at dinner.

We should do this more often.

What happened? Did we win?

I have no idea, but she's up to something.

You got to be kidding me.

Apparently, seeing my parents bone

wasn't enough to keep my friends away.

Okay, boys, uh...

About yesterday.

When a man loves a woman...

for God's sake, they're not our kids.

You don't have to explain anything to them.

Why do you two keep barging into our house?

There was a rumor Mrs. Dunlevy made caramel apples.

Oh, the rumor's true!

I'll go get them.

Uh, but, listen, boys.

I want you to feel free to come over any time you want,

because this... this is a hangout house.

Right, Jack?

Absolutely.

This is not the hangout house!

If you two ever enter this house uninvited,

I will shave off your eyebrows.

My eyebrows are my best feature.

It's apple time!

Welcome to the hangout house.

Dude, at 8:00 tonight,

we're gonna go watch Dave Esterly

take a dump off the pier.

You in?

Man, that sounds like a solid night. But, I can't.

I'm going to the Las Palmas Seaview inn with my mom.

Got it.

- Your parents are getting divorced. - No!

It's kind of a mother-and-son tradition.

I mean, I mostly do it for her, but...

Honey, look. Look.

They have hot stone therapy massages this year.

So long, shoulder tension.

- Right? - Right?

Okay. Here's the hotel's number.

Oh, and will you promise

to talk Rachel out of that stupid wrestling idea?

There's no need. It's a scam.

Like the time she stole the neighbor's cat

to collect the reward.

But what if it's not?

Look, I hope she does join the team.

I wrestled in high school.

It helped make me the man I am today.

That and the Bob Seger concert we went to in '81.

The only time I've seen you cry

is when he did "Against The Wind."

Son of a bitch played the crap out of that song.

He did.

Guys, I just got the worst news.

Coach won't let me wrestle 'cause I'm a girl.

Bingo! There it is.

Told you.

You had no intention of wrestling, did you?

Did you even go down and talk to him?

I did. I swear.

So, you wouldn't mind

if I went down there and verified your little story?

- I hope you do. - I hope I do, too.

You don't have to hope. You can just do it.

- Maybe I will. - Great.

Great.

Showed her.

The mother and son vacation was in full swing,

and we were starting to get pretty crazy.

Uh, hello!

I'm in room 14,

and I believe someone in the next room has an ostrich.

Thank you.

Frankie, run into the hallway

and see who they send up.

Dunlevy?

Perfect! The varsity baseball team!

What are you doing here, bro?

Uh...

Do you see anyone? Are we caught?

Are you in there with a chick?

Big time.

Up top.

We're gonna be chilling down by the pool.

You should bring her by when you're done knocking boots.

Cool.

Um, it's gonna be awhile, though,

'cause, uh, you know, she's pretty freaky.

She's a freaky bitch.

Yep.

Just called my mom a freaky bitch.

So, uh, did my daughter ask you

if she could join the wrestling team?

Yep.

Really?

But it was like, "hey, I'm pretty.

Can I join the team? No? Okay. Bye."

She did say the pretty thing,

but she wouldn't take no for an answer.

Told you, dad. I really want to wrestle.

You know what?

I got a "no chit-chat" rule,

so why don't you two take it outside?

Yeah, I got the same sign at home.

Let me just ask you this.

If she wants to be on the team,

why won't you give her a shot?

I believe in two things...

the teachings of Buddha

and that women should only wrestle in mud.

He's sexist!

No, worse. He's an idiot.

It's a far more serious condition.

You know, pal, you talk a lot for a guy

who probably couldn't wrestle his way out of a paper bag.

I guess that state championship I won

was just by accident.

Oh, one state championship?

See, I'm a three-time Rhode Island state champ.

Oh, no kidding. I'm from New York.

You know what we say about Rhode Island.

- What? - Nothing. We never talk about you.

I'll tell you what, hombre.

I'll let her on the team if you can pin me.

Why don't you just give the janitor the day off,

'cause I'm about to mop the floor with you.

Well, the joke's on you. I'm also the janitor.

Full disclosure...

they used to call me the assassin.

Ha! Hey!

When I lived in Japan, they called me...

Haikan-ko-resura.

Yeah, what does that mean?

It means "the plumber who also wrestles."

Oh, your moves,

much like the piping in this school, are rusty.

Yeah? How's the mat taste?

One, two, three, four, five...

stop at three! Got it.

Wow!

I thought I had gotten bored seeing guys fight over me,

but that was awesome!

Thanks, dad. You're a badass.

I need you to pull the car around.

With the varsity guys right outside,

I had to keep my mom in the room.

You want to go take a dip in the pool?

Uh, we just ate, you know? So we would have to wait, right?

That whole half-hour thing was just invented by parents

so that they could take naps.

Nap! Nap is a great idea!

Why don't you take a nap,

take one of those pills that dad gave you,

and, uh, you can check out what's on public television?

We're going swimming.

Public television will be here when we get back.

Thanks to viewers like me.

What are you guys doing here?

We wanted to see you and your girlfriend doing it.

Not in a pervy way.

What other ways are there?

Look, I don't bone for buddies.

I bone for me.

I'm all suited up and ready! Oh! Hello, there.

Um, these are some of my friends.

They were just about to leave.

Oh, you know, you should come down to the pool.

We're gonna have an underwater handstand contest.

It's times like these you get a new nickname.

Dunlevy's a mom humper!

Like mom humper.

Meanwhile, Mikey and George came back to the house

without an invite.

Brownies! Score!

Wait.

This feels like a trap.

George, no!

Put that down! We got to get out of here!

I can't! It's glued to my hand!

Hasta la eyebrows, baby!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hey, honey.

Hey.

You seemed a little bummed out on this trip.

Should I make some hot cocoa

and we'll hash this out, mother/son style?

No mother/son style. I'm fine.

Are you sure?

'Cause our photo booth pictures suggest otherwise.

Here's you bummed.

Here's me alone,

after you left the photo booth bummed.

Oh, and here's me telling the bitch after us

that me and my bummed-out son weren't finished yet.

Mom!

What I'm trying to say is,

I'm getting too old for these mother/son vacations.

Hey, Frankie. I need to borrow you a second.

You look like you have a lot of emotions right now.

Our son is officially

too embarrassed to hang out with me.

Does that mean you two won't be taking that trip?

We already went, Jack! Copy that.

Are we in trouble or something?

Is this an intervention?

Are we finally getting Frankie to wear deodorant?

Frankie, we're here because we love you,

but you smell terrible.

No, this isn't an intervention, Rachel.

I want to give you something, and it's very important to me.

Eww, is it that sweat rag Bob Seger threw at mom?

No, he threw it at me, not her.

We made eye contact.

It was a whole... anyway, that's... that's not it.

Look, I'm very excited

that you've chosen to commit yourself to wrestling,

but we've got to make sure that you're prepared.

Frankie, get up here.

N... what if we just go get ice cream?

Okay.

Now, I wasn't always

the beast of the man that you see before you.

That's why I came up with my signature wrestling move.

I like to call it the death and taxes.

Why?

Because no one gets out of it.

Whoa!

Come closer.

It's like the more he struggles, the more painful it is.

- I feel like we've learned a lot today. - Shh.

This is the coolest thing you've ever shown me.

It's just nice to pass on family traditions.

I really like spending time with you, too, dad.

The earth is getting dark. I can see my past.

Oh, sorry about that, chief.

Hey. How's your bladder?

I got a couple more moves I want to show her.

Hey, guys. What are you doing here?

What kind of father would I be

if I missed my daughter beating up a guy?

Next up, 106 weight class. Dunlevy.

You get out there

and you show them what it means to be a Dunlevy.

Okay.

Must be nice to give love and support to a child

and have it returned instead of thrown into the gutter

like a piece of garbage.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Winner by default, Rachel Dunlevy.

Thank God she's on the team.

She's increased attendance by...

What, is there 50 people here?

50 people.

Why the hell isn't she wrestling?

The other schools don't have anybody in her weight class.

She gets automatic wins at every match

without doing a thing.

The crafty little devil has beat the system.

Well, I'll be damned.

She's been playing me all along.

Our kids are tools.

Hey, dad.

Can you believe there wasn't anyone in my weight class?

Super weird, huh?

Can it. I know your game.

I just can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.

So I found a loophole. So what?

Grownups use them all the time.

Uncle Kenny got out of jury duty by pretending to be a racist.

He wasn't pretending.

Look, I stuck my neck out to get you on this team.

I find it weird that you never cared

about anything I did until I tried something you like.

Well, in my defense,

I only like things that are interesting.

Look, honey, I know everything comes easy to you,

but I promise you,

at some point, everybody pays the piper.

So, when he comes, I'll pay him.

Better yet, I'll have someone pay him for me.

Here. Hold my trophy.

I'm gonna run this over with my car.

And he did.

Blow out the candles, Frankie!

Oh, for God's sakes. Blow like you got a pair!

Enough, Jack.

- Mommy? - Yes, sweetie?

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

You're my best friend.

All right. You're cut off.

He was my best friend.

We had our own secret handshake.

We'd sing the handshake song.

Frankie and mommy

Doing our secret, secret handshake

- That we do every day

- I remember.

Shaking it, shaking it

I remember you guys singing it.

Look, it's natural. Kids pull away.

I mean, the best you can hope for

is a call when you're sitting alone

in the nursing home on your birthday.

Why would I be sitting alone?

Because, statistically,

I'm gonna be dead 15 years before you are,

which reminds me,

I want to be burned on the boat at sea.

No, we're gonna be living

in Frankie's pool house in Santa Barbara,

because I refuse to let our special bond disappear.

At the end of the video, he eats a candle.

I don't think he's pool house or Santa Barbara material.

Aah!

Game over, moochers!

You never would have made it through 'nam.

Frankie, what are you doing here?

I live here. What the hell just happened?

I rigged the cookies with a standard-issue robbery pack

'cause your buddies caught your mom and me doing it.

Oh!

Okay, in that case, then, my bad.

Paint's got lead in it.

You might want to hit the showers.

Hey, dude.

See you, dude.

Funny story... my mom was convinced

that I wouldn't be embarrassed to hang out with her

if my friends thought she was cool.

Hey, um, uh...

How about I buy us all a round of milkshakes after the match?

What she didn't realize is that my friends were dicks.

You two should get a room.

Oh, wait. They already did.

Don't make fun of my son.

- Mom, please. - No, you know what?

I've had just about enough of this attitude

where kids can't be friends with their moms.

You... you stupid wieners are just jealous

because you're not brave enough to be friends with your moms.

Right, Frankie? Wait. Frankie, wait.

Honey.

The tournament was teeming with excitement

over Rachel and her new wrestling outfit.

Mostly from the guys.

A couple of whom weren't even allowed

to be within 50 yards of a school.

It was safe to say

my sister was enjoying the attention.

Whoa!

She made it all the way to the finals

without breaking a sweat.

Hey, dad.

You came here to see me win?

No, I came to see you wrestle.

You know, I was discussing

your burgeoning sports career with a patient of mine,

and we got to talking about his kid.

Uh, about your size, goes to Dalton high...

anger issues.

So, I said, "have you thought about wrestling?"

And he said, "perfect."

So, I said, "blah, blah, blah, blah."

Uh, meet Ivan.

Whoa.

You know what the irony is?

I thought it was gonna be too late to sign him up,

but guess what?

Found a loophole.

Ain't that a bitch?

Next up, Novakov vs. Dunlevy.

106 weight class.

Why does he have so many abs?

Yeah, he looks like a leprechaun on steroids, huh?

Well, you had a good run. The scam is over.

Take your forfeit, grab your stuff,

let's get out of here.

Dad, we both know if I wanted to,

I could spend the rest of my life

coasting on my good looks.

Boy, we hugged you way too much.

Seriously, dad.

It's time to pay the piper.

That's my daughter.

Good work, man! She's hot!

God, I hate kids.

Frankie. Are you okay?

Oh, okay.

You're giving me the silent treatment.

Fine, maybe I'll do it, too.

Nope. Can't. Here come the words.

You lost it in front of the entire gym

and called my friends stupid wieners.

I said they were being stupid wieners.

Don't twist my words.

It's the same thing, mom.

Okay, agree to disagree.

Look.

The fact that we're starting to drift apart is hard for me.

What did you expect? I'm a teenager.

Did you think we were gonna take vacations together

till I was 50?

Actually, when you were little,

I had this fantasy that you'd be president,

and we'd all live in the White House together.

Everyone would call me the first mom,

and you'd consult me on most domestic issues.

Mom.

I'm sorry I'm such a weirdo.

I just... I just miss the days when we were best friends.

You are my best friend.

I just can't let my friends know that.

That's way better than my fantasies.

All right, she was actually my 11th best friend,

but it wasn't the right time to tell her that.

Okay, remember, you're a Dunlevy.

You come from a long line of people

who don't take any crap from anyone.

Let me hear your war cry.

Go get 'em.

He'll be looking at your boobs. Use that to your advantage.

Oh, I always do. Okay.

You can do this, Rach.

Come on!

Well, the gravy train goes off a cliff.

Are you okay?

Let's get out of here.

Carry my head gear?

Gladly.

I really thought I was gonna win.

Yeah.

That was pretty damn funny.

- Can I come in? - Mm-hmm.

Pretty great out there today.

If I had known hurting my face was a possibility,

I never would have wrestled.

Yeah.

Uh, look.

I know it seems like

I don't care about a lot of the things you do.

I know you do, dad.

No, really, I don't.

But the reason I'm hands-off

is because I've never had to worry about you.

You're smart, you're strong.

Gorgeous, magnetic, have it.

Oh, sorry.

Am I interrupting your father/daughter moment?

The point is, you're gonna be fine,

but it doesn't mean I shouldn't spend more time with you.

Thanks, dad.

Hey, there's a Color Me Badd concert at the mall.

Yeah, I won't be doing that,

but... We can find something.

There weren't a ton of ways to earn my dad's respect.

But getting body slammed by a tiny Hercules

was clearly one of them.

As for me and my mom,

well, we had a new understanding, too.

But I still found ways to remind her

she'd always be my mom...

even if it was when no one was looking.

What happened?

The lights went out.

I know, dumb ass.

I don't like this. Let's bail.

It's locked.

Abort. Abort.

Hello, boys.

Worth it.

Totally.

Plus, no eyebrows means nobody knows what I'm thinking.

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