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1
00:00:00,850 --> 00:00:04,570
I'm so glad you're my girl,
I'll do anything for you
2
00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:06,000
-
Call you every night
- Adult Frankie: My girlfriend and I
3
00:00:06,010 --> 00:00:07,740
had just spent an entire movie doing this.
4
00:00:07,750 --> 00:00:09,200
-
And give you flowers, too
- Things were going pretty great.
5
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:09,870
-
I thank the lord for you
- [Car door opens]
6
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,210
A buck a gallon.
7
00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:14,310
-
And think about you all the time
- One dollar for a gallon of gasoline.
8
00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,510
-
I ask him every day
- You guys make it to a third date, she's pitching in.
9
00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:18,910
-
That you'll forever be mine
- Only problem... when we stopped kissing,
10
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,180
I had no idea how to talk to her.
11
00:00:21,190 --> 00:00:23,390
Uh, well, that was a fun movie.
12
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,250
Yeah.
13
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:29,820
Movies... are fun.
14
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:32,460
Holy hell, my head's about to explode.
15
00:00:32,470 --> 00:00:34,430
You just spent two hours
watching people talk.
16
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,800
Didn't you pick up any tricks?
17
00:00:35,810 --> 00:00:37,370
I'm gonna jump-start this.
18
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:38,800
Conversation topics...
19
00:00:38,810 --> 00:00:41,500
Food, the beach, cat vs dog.
20
00:00:41,510 --> 00:00:43,910
Greatest song ever written...
I'll give you a hint.
21
00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:45,610
It's "the gambler" by Kenny Rogers.
22
00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:46,940
- Condoms?
- Whoa, all right.
23
00:00:46,950 --> 00:00:48,540
Well, you're throwing me a curve,
24
00:00:48,550 --> 00:00:50,110
but I'll roll with you, Heather.
25
00:00:50,120 --> 00:00:51,980
What's with the gimmicky prophylactics?
26
00:00:51,990 --> 00:00:54,780
I mean, you got the ribbed
this, the glow-in-the-dark that.
27
00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:56,380
Whatever happened to the
good, old-fashioned latex.
28
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,920
It's a penis.
29
00:00:57,930 --> 00:00:59,490
I don't need to dress it up
like it's leading a parade.
30
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:00,790
Anyone else want to jump in?
31
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,060
No, I'm actually sitting
on a box of condoms.
32
00:01:03,070 --> 00:01:04,160
Oh, yeah. Those are mine.
33
00:01:04,170 --> 00:01:05,290
Well, why are they in the car?
34
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:06,530
That was the last place I used them.
35
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:08,230
- Hey! Ew!
- Really? Tell you what.
36
00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:09,970
If you ever left the house on the weekends,
37
00:01:09,980 --> 00:01:11,100
your mother and I wouldn't
have to use the car
38
00:01:11,110 --> 00:01:12,470
like animals.
39
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,540
There. Now you've got
something to talk about.
40
00:01:14,550 --> 00:01:16,340
[Groans]
41
00:01:16,350 --> 00:01:18,150
- [Engine turns over]
- You're welcome.
42
00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:26,920
Da, da, da-la-da
43
00:01:26,930 --> 00:01:30,960
Da, da, da-la
44
00:01:31,930 --> 00:01:35,420
Da, da, da-la-da
45
00:01:35,430 --> 00:01:41,869
The story of my li-i-i-fe
46
00:01:41,870 --> 00:01:44,879
?Synced & Corrected by Seppuku17?
?www.addic7ed.com?
47
00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:49,470
[Chuckling] Aww, look how
cute you look in this.
48
00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,870
I think the laser beams make you look like
49
00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,710
a space captain who means business.
50
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:56,450
Mom, don't put that up. It
was during my awkward phase.
51
00:01:56,460 --> 00:01:58,780
What the hell phase do
you think you're in now?
52
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:00,620
All right, everybody, listen up.
53
00:02:00,630 --> 00:02:02,420
Your mother's having surgery tomorrow.
54
00:02:02,430 --> 00:02:04,250
She's gonna be okay, right?
55
00:02:04,260 --> 00:02:06,350
She's not gonna die, right?
56
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,790
Oh, my God. If mom died, it
would just be us and dad.
57
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:11,090
Right, like I'd stick around.
58
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,200
First of all, you would. It's in my will.
59
00:02:13,210 --> 00:02:14,960
And second of all, no one's dying.
60
00:02:14,970 --> 00:02:16,800
I'm just having a cyst removed.
61
00:02:16,810 --> 00:02:19,630
Ew. Old people have the weirdest problems.
62
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:20,870
Jack: Whatever.
63
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:22,400
Society dictates that parents
64
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,310
are supposed to live for their children.
65
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:25,870
I don't subscribe to that belief.
66
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:26,880
It is a perversion.
67
00:02:26,890 --> 00:02:29,310
I live for your mother,
68
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:32,980
and this weekend is about her recovery.
69
00:02:32,990 --> 00:02:35,250
I'm in charge of her well-being.
70
00:02:35,260 --> 00:02:38,550
You two are in charge of
not being a pain in the ass.
71
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:42,620
If you fail, I will
hog-toss you into the pool.
72
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:45,090
Which reminds me, I got to
turn the pool heater off.
73
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:47,160
Well, I'm hanging out
with Heather tomorrow,
74
00:02:47,170 --> 00:02:48,300
so I'm not gonna be a problem.
75
00:02:48,310 --> 00:02:49,360
Good.
76
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,600
Okay, I am going to be fine.
77
00:02:51,610 --> 00:02:54,640
And by the way, when do
I get to meet Heather?
78
00:02:54,650 --> 00:02:57,170
When you bump into her in the
mall with her new boyfriend.
79
00:02:57,180 --> 00:02:59,910
This kid can't string two words
together when he's around her.
80
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:01,980
Maybe it's because we
know each other so well,
81
00:03:01,990 --> 00:03:04,350
we don't need to talk...
Like grandma and grandpa.
82
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:06,650
Grammy and grandpa don't talk
'cause they hate each other.
83
00:03:06,660 --> 00:03:07,950
It's true.
84
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,220
I think the only thing keeping them alive
85
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,420
is the thought of seeing the other one die.
86
00:03:10,430 --> 00:03:12,350
I don't know what Heather sees in him.
87
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,290
She's super-pretty, not like me pretty,
88
00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:17,790
but... yeah, she's pretty.
89
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:19,560
I think Frankie could
use some fatherly advice
90
00:03:19,570 --> 00:03:20,800
about how to talk to women.
91
00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:22,560
Like he's so great at it.
92
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:25,130
Does it need to be from his father?
93
00:03:25,140 --> 00:03:26,400
Look, maybe I shouldn't interfere.
94
00:03:26,410 --> 00:03:27,640
This could be natural selection
95
00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:29,070
trying to weed him out of the gene pool.
96
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,740
Fine, but you're dealing
with him when they break up.
97
00:03:31,750 --> 00:03:35,190
And remember, he owns an acoustic guitar.
98
00:03:37,190 --> 00:03:39,180
[Video game beeping]
99
00:03:39,190 --> 00:03:41,120
Dude.
100
00:03:41,130 --> 00:03:42,820
Do you think that me and
Heather are gonna last?
101
00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:44,020
Probably not.
102
00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:46,460
You will not believe
the score we just made.
103
00:03:46,470 --> 00:03:47,790
"Casablanca"?
104
00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,460
Did somebody tell you
there's boobs in that.
105
00:03:49,470 --> 00:03:50,730
'Cause I watched it with my mom.
106
00:03:50,740 --> 00:03:52,090
And for sure, there's not.
107
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:54,030
It's just a bunch of sad European guys
108
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,130
making hard choices.
109
00:03:55,140 --> 00:03:57,730
Open it.
110
00:03:57,740 --> 00:04:00,200
"Naked Babes from Outer Space."
111
00:04:00,210 --> 00:04:02,800
Space chicks could have three, four boobs.
112
00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,140
There are no limits.
113
00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:05,680
How did you do this?
114
00:04:07,850 --> 00:04:09,140
I slipped through the curtain
115
00:04:09,150 --> 00:04:10,980
while George stood watch, disguised.
116
00:04:10,990 --> 00:04:13,920
That wasn't a disguise.
My lazy eye was acting up.
117
00:04:13,930 --> 00:04:15,930
[Coughing, wheezing]
118
00:04:22,030 --> 00:04:23,960
What was it like in there?
119
00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:26,060
I want to live in that room, man.
120
00:04:26,070 --> 00:04:28,360
Chick-a-chick-ah. Chick-a-chick-ah.
121
00:04:28,370 --> 00:04:31,230
I get it the first two days.
Then it'll go on rotation.
122
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,670
I put together a sign-out sheet.
123
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,340
So the "Casablanca" tape is
in a porn case right now.
124
00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:37,770
So what?
125
00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:39,510
[ Piano plays "As Time Goes By"]
126
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:41,310
Where are the alien boobs?
127
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:44,560
Shh! I want to see if
she gets on the plane.
128
00:04:47,590 --> 00:04:49,590
- Boys.
- [Both gasp]
129
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,590
If you're here tomorrow when
my wife gets home from surgery,
130
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:52,750
I'm throwing you in the pool.
131
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,160
- Got it.
- Got it.
132
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:55,220
Wait a minute.
133
00:04:55,230 --> 00:04:56,330
He did it.
134
00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:57,460
That "Casablanca"?
135
00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:59,090
Why wouldn't it be?
136
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,630
That's Joanne's favorite movie.
137
00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,460
Me, I prefer my war movies
to actually have war in them.
138
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:05,730
But... thanks. I'll return it tomorrow.
139
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:08,710
This counts as your day.
140
00:05:12,515 --> 00:05:15,851
[En Vog's "My Lovin" plays]
141
00:05:15,852 --> 00:05:17,380
Let's go for a ride.
142
00:05:17,390 --> 00:05:19,380
[Video game beeps] Can we take the car
that you and mom haven't done it in?
143
00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:20,850
No such car.
144
00:05:20,860 --> 00:05:22,980
Also, if you're trying to avoid places
145
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,690
where your mother and
I have gotten intimate,
146
00:05:24,700 --> 00:05:26,350
you'll want to get off that bed.
147
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,660
Ew!
148
00:05:27,670 --> 00:05:29,560
No, you're never gonna get it
149
00:05:29,570 --> 00:05:30,960
Ow!
150
00:05:30,970 --> 00:05:33,490
I can't believe you're
taking me to a strip club!
151
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,160
I-if this is one of those
things that counts as, like,
152
00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:36,930
my Christmas and birthday
present at the same time,
153
00:05:36,940 --> 00:05:38,000
I'm totally cool with it.
154
00:05:38,010 --> 00:05:39,330
Jack: Hey, settle down.
155
00:05:39,340 --> 00:05:40,730
Now, if you don't learn
156
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,240
how to talk to a girl
like a normal human being,
157
00:05:42,250 --> 00:05:43,940
you will become this...
158
00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:46,640
The man that goes to a
strip club during the day.
159
00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:48,410
They are the lowest form of life...
160
00:05:48,420 --> 00:05:51,550
So desperate they can't even
wait till the cover of darkness.
161
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,137
Doesn't seem that bad to me.
162
00:05:54,490 --> 00:05:57,180
Sir. When was the last time
you had a date with a woman?
163
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,450
Define date.
164
00:05:58,460 --> 00:06:00,020
Okay. I rest my case.
165
00:06:00,030 --> 00:06:02,920
Now... keep walking.
166
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,630
So, you got two choices here, champ.
167
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,460
Either learn to talk to girls,
168
00:06:06,470 --> 00:06:08,100
or end up like these pathetic human beings.
169
00:06:08,110 --> 00:06:10,600
- Hey!
- Enjoy the buffet.
170
00:06:10,610 --> 00:06:12,070
A little respect
171
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,770
Well, I don't know what
to talk to her about.
172
00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:16,200
That's because you barely know each other.
173
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,910
So change that.
174
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,070
Or don't and spend your days
here, eating a crappy steak
175
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,110
and trying to ignore the C-section scars.
176
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,250
S-so, we're not going in?
177
00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,680
-
Never gonna get it
- Get in the car.
178
00:06:26,690 --> 00:06:28,550
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
179
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,990
The only thing my dad cared
about was my mom's recovery.
180
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,290
How you feeling? Okay, good.
181
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:35,160
You're gonna feel groggy
for just a little bit.
182
00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:36,660
Nothing to worry about it.
183
00:06:36,670 --> 00:06:38,560
But if you have four to six
bouts of diarrhea in an hour,
184
00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:41,730
- you just let me know.
- Oh, trust me, you'll know.
185
00:06:41,740 --> 00:06:42,834
Honey, do you feel like
186
00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:44,579
- we lied to the kids?
- No.
187
00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:45,930
We could have just said,
188
00:06:45,940 --> 00:06:48,600
"Mom had a cyst removed and
also got her tubes tied."
189
00:06:48,610 --> 00:06:50,400
Don't they have a right to know?
190
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,610
No. No, they have no rights.
191
00:06:51,620 --> 00:06:52,770
They're basically parasites
192
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,070
that nature's conditioned us to love.
193
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,610
I just think they need
to know that the door
194
00:06:55,620 --> 00:06:56,940
that brought them into this world
195
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,350
[voice breaking] Is now closed.
196
00:06:58,360 --> 00:06:59,710
We're getting a little excited now,
197
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,680
and that's exactly why we hadn't tell them
198
00:07:01,690 --> 00:07:03,120
that you got your tubes tied.
199
00:07:03,130 --> 00:07:04,990
Mom got her tubes tied?
200
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,350
- No.
- Big time.
201
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,820
Rachel, just because you
hear our conversations
202
00:07:08,830 --> 00:07:10,190
doesn't make you a part of them.
203
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,430
Now beat it. We're not
gonna excite your mother.
204
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,430
You just relax, honey. I'm
gonna put on some Carly Simon.
205
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:16,600
[Door opens]
206
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,870
Mom, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
207
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:19,970
[Gasps]
208
00:07:19,980 --> 00:07:22,040
Is this the world-famous Heather?
209
00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:23,100
No.
210
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,870
[Chuckles]
211
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,070
You have to stay for dinner.
212
00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:27,270
Yeah, no. You've had major surgery.
213
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,240
- Got to relax.
- Okay, nonsense. Nonsense.
214
00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:31,050
I'm gonna go change my clothes.
215
00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,350
Why don't you start?
216
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:33,850
How do you feel about chopping vegetables?
217
00:07:33,860 --> 00:07:35,780
'Cause I probably shouldn't
be holding a knife.
218
00:07:35,790 --> 00:07:38,850
[Chuckles]
219
00:07:38,860 --> 00:07:39,660
Uh-oh.
220
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:43,600
[Screams]
221
00:07:46,370 --> 00:07:48,240
[Sighs]
222
00:07:55,810 --> 00:07:59,740
What were you thinking? Why is she here?
223
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:01,240
I wanted her to get to know me better,
224
00:08:01,250 --> 00:08:02,440
which was your advice.
225
00:08:02,450 --> 00:08:04,180
I meant take her for a walk in the park,
226
00:08:04,190 --> 00:08:05,680
not bring her to a retirement party
227
00:08:05,690 --> 00:08:07,250
for your mom's ovaries.
228
00:08:07,260 --> 00:08:09,450
Rachel, Rachel. Get in here.
229
00:08:09,460 --> 00:08:12,220
Get in... get in here. Faster, faster.
230
00:08:12,230 --> 00:08:15,060
Listen to me, you two. I know your mom.
231
00:08:15,070 --> 00:08:17,120
She loves you kids way
more than she should,
232
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:19,530
and she has decided to stop
having more of your kind.
233
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,330
Now, that has turned her into
234
00:08:21,340 --> 00:08:23,500
a bubbling volcano of emotion
that could erupt at anytime.
235
00:08:23,510 --> 00:08:25,270
Do not be the sorry ass that sets her off.
236
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,500
Do you hear me? No more
surprises. Are we clear?
237
00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:30,340
[Doorbell rings]
238
00:08:30,350 --> 00:08:31,740
Who the hell is that?
239
00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:34,350
Doug. If Frankie gets to bring
a date, I'm bringing one.
240
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,310
[High-pitched voice] This is a new sweater!
241
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:41,880
[Screams]
242
00:08:41,890 --> 00:08:45,150
Now get out of here
before my wife sees you.
243
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,820
Not a word, or you're next.
244
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:50,070
Right.
245
00:08:52,370 --> 00:08:55,930
Don't even. [Scoffs]
246
00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:58,470
Favorite childhood moment right there.
247
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,940
Psst. Come on.
248
00:09:04,380 --> 00:09:05,670
What are you guys doing here?
249
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,980
Your dad has "Casablanca."
Can you grab it for us?
250
00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:10,110
What? G... I don't know where he put it!
251
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,810
I've got way more important
stuff to deal with right now.
252
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,550
Oh, more important than space boobs?!
253
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,580
- Shh!
- He didn't mean it, man.
254
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:19,120
Come on. We're getting that tape back.
255
00:09:19,130 --> 00:09:21,190
Okay, here comes the dinner train.
256
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,360
Chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga,
chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga,
257
00:09:23,370 --> 00:09:24,730
chuga-chuga, chh.
258
00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:26,960
More like the vicodin train.
259
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:29,830
Oh, I didn't know you
guys were going swimming.
260
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,430
Seriously, Heather Blumeyer,
I am not in the mood.
261
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:36,040
This situation sucked.
262
00:09:36,050 --> 00:09:37,870
I just couldn't let
Heather realize how much.
263
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,270
Did anyone catch that episode
264
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,840
of the "Fresh Prince" last night?
265
00:09:40,850 --> 00:09:42,780
So, mom got her tubes tied.
266
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,210
It was the one
267
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,850
where Will sets Geoffrey
up on a blind date.
268
00:09:46,860 --> 00:09:48,780
Oh, boy. It does not go well.
269
00:09:48,790 --> 00:09:50,620
Why didn't dad just get a vasectomy?
270
00:09:50,630 --> 00:09:52,720
I have offered many, many times.
271
00:09:52,730 --> 00:09:54,120
I offered on our honeymoon.
272
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:55,990
Oh, it's way easier for guys.
273
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:57,690
Allison's dad got snipped,
274
00:09:57,700 --> 00:10:00,160
and he went horseback riding that night.
275
00:10:00,170 --> 00:10:01,900
Allison's dad is a big, fat liar.
276
00:10:01,910 --> 00:10:04,060
His scrotum would rip
open like a bag of chips.
277
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,470
Oh, good. Scrotum talk.
278
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:08,170
Joanne: Okay, honey, it
was just more convenient.
279
00:10:08,180 --> 00:10:09,600
I was having a cyst removed anyway.
280
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:11,240
So while they were down there, I was like,
281
00:10:11,250 --> 00:10:13,140
"Why don't you just, you know..."
282
00:10:13,150 --> 00:10:14,640
[Pops lips]
283
00:10:14,650 --> 00:10:17,110
[Imitates creaking]
284
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,650
Tss! Tss!
285
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,750
I mean... I-I don't know,
honey. You're the doctor.
286
00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:22,080
Why don't you explain?
287
00:10:22,090 --> 00:10:24,290
No, as always, I think
we should eat in silence.
288
00:10:24,300 --> 00:10:25,390
I second that.
289
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,120
[Scoffs] It's out in the open.
290
00:10:27,130 --> 00:10:29,420
- They might as well know the facts.
- Thank you.
291
00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:32,290
Okay, let's say this
chicken is your mother.
292
00:10:32,300 --> 00:10:34,090
It's not.
293
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,730
Inside here is her reproductive system.
294
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:37,900
Let me just dig it on out
295
00:10:37,910 --> 00:10:39,500
so we know what we're working with.
296
00:10:39,510 --> 00:10:42,740
[Laughs] Doesn't seem
necessary, but there it is.
297
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:46,740
Say these green beans
are the fallopian tubes.
298
00:10:46,750 --> 00:10:48,210
They go something like that.
299
00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,280
And all surgeon does is
just do a little snip there,
300
00:10:50,290 --> 00:10:53,480
little snip like that...
Off you go. Off you go.
301
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:58,390
And then... preventing the
eggs from entering the uterus.
302
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,190
Right? Goodbye, babies. Hello, law school.
303
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,620
The thing you've always wanted to do
304
00:11:02,630 --> 00:11:03,890
and are currently enrolled in.
305
00:11:03,900 --> 00:11:05,890
Okay, Heather, you got
to try this stuffing.
306
00:11:05,900 --> 00:11:07,330
It's my grandmother's recipe.
307
00:11:07,340 --> 00:11:08,960
Oh, you know what? I
had a really big lunch.
308
00:11:08,970 --> 00:11:12,070
I'll just get us some more water.
309
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,170
Okay, this had gone as bad
as it could possibly go.
310
00:11:15,180 --> 00:11:16,480
What's that smell?
311
00:11:18,180 --> 00:11:20,020
[Smoke detector beeping]
312
00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:23,390
Everyone happy?
313
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:32,453
Next time you baked a pie, set the time.
314
00:11:32,454 --> 00:11:34,209
I-I'm sorry. That's my fault.
315
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,809
I'm still fuzzy from surgery this morning.
316
00:11:36,810 --> 00:11:38,965
You made this woman cook for you,
right after she had a surgery?
317
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,611
Don't you have a calendar
to pose for? Or something?
318
00:11:41,612 --> 00:11:44,203
It-it's not a big deal.
I just had my tubes tied.
319
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,631
You know vasectomy's
much less evasive, right?
320
00:11:46,632 --> 00:11:50,240
Boy, you guys got a lot more attitude
since that backdraft movie came out.
321
00:11:51,435 --> 00:11:53,889
You need a vasectomy and go
horse backriding on the same day.
322
00:11:53,890 --> 00:11:57,909
My tubes tied? You want to call
the cops, so you can tell them too?
323
00:11:57,910 --> 00:11:58,840
No.
324
00:12:01,565 --> 00:12:03,579
You okay?
325
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:05,619
Yeah. I just...
326
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:08,355
I can't believe that pie
just like, caught on fire,
327
00:12:09,442 --> 00:12:12,699
Okay, here we are, moment of truth.
328
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:15,763
- Yeah.
- Adult Frankie: Yeah. Use your words.
329
00:12:15,764 --> 00:12:17,973
- Fire's bad.
- Adult Frankie: Fire's bad?
330
00:12:17,974 --> 00:12:21,605
Adult frankie: What are you, a caveman?
I need a miracle to turn this around.
331
00:12:21,606 --> 00:12:23,069
We got the porno.
332
00:12:23,070 --> 00:12:24,852
Okay, Mikey. Thank you so much.
333
00:12:24,853 --> 00:12:29,609
George. Mikey. Casablanca.
334
00:12:29,610 --> 00:12:31,369
Did you bring that for me?
335
00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:34,241
- Oh. We were just.
- You guys are so sweet.
336
00:12:34,242 --> 00:12:35,904
This is my favorite movie.
337
00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:37,739
- Can we watch it now?
- Both: No!
338
00:12:37,740 --> 00:12:40,530
W... uh... I didn't rewind it.
339
00:12:40,540 --> 00:12:42,370
Oh, that's okay.
340
00:12:45,410 --> 00:12:48,070
Oh, good. It's at the beginning.
341
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,700
Dr. Dunlevy and I used to watch it
342
00:12:49,710 --> 00:12:51,470
when I was pregnant with Frankie.
343
00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:53,010
- What the hell's going on here?
- [Sighs]
344
00:12:53,020 --> 00:12:55,540
Oh, good God.
345
00:12:55,550 --> 00:12:56,750
They handed him to me.
346
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,480
And your father looked at me and said...
347
00:12:58,490 --> 00:13:00,850
[As Humphrey bogart] "Here's
looking at you, kid."
348
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:02,180
[Whimpers]
349
00:13:02,190 --> 00:13:03,150
And here's the emotional volcano
350
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,790
my dad had warned us about.
351
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,720
The cherry on top? Porn!
352
00:13:06,730 --> 00:13:08,200
[Voice breaking] He was so tiny.
353
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:11,090
He was huge and bloody.
354
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,500
It was 26 hours of labor.
You prayed for death twice.
355
00:13:13,510 --> 00:13:15,730
Who wants to go get ice cream?
356
00:13:15,740 --> 00:13:17,400
Oh, yeah. He had a huge head.
357
00:13:17,410 --> 00:13:18,870
You were built like a lollipop.
358
00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:20,770
I need someone to stay here with her.
359
00:13:20,780 --> 00:13:22,500
I will.
360
00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,340
Fantastic.
361
00:13:24,350 --> 00:13:25,640
Okay. Bye-bye.
362
00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:27,110
Okay.
363
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,680
There you have it.
364
00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:31,210
Heather would rather spend
time at home with my mom
365
00:13:31,220 --> 00:13:33,210
than another second with me.
366
00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:34,350
It was over.
367
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,380
Joanne: Heather.
368
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:38,450
[As Humphrey bogart] I
think this is the start
369
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:40,220
of a beautiful friendship.
370
00:13:40,230 --> 00:13:42,760
- [Imitates smoking]
-
you want to make her suicide blonde
371
00:13:42,770 --> 00:13:44,760
Love devastation
372
00:13:44,770 --> 00:13:46,560
Dad, this ice-cream place is closed.
373
00:13:46,570 --> 00:13:48,860
Aw, that's too bad. Do you
guys remember how to get home?
374
00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:52,230
- Yeah. Why?
- [Tires squeal]
375
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,000
Love devastation
376
00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:55,870
[Glass shatters]
377
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,670
You want to make her
378
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,440
-
Suicide blonde
- [Mumbling]
379
00:13:59,450 --> 00:14:00,640
-
Love devastation
- Mrs. Dunlevy?
380
00:14:00,650 --> 00:14:03,850
[Gasps] Oh, hi, honey. [Chuckles]
381
00:14:03,860 --> 00:14:06,580
I'm actually feeling much better
after taking one of these.
382
00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:08,080
[Chuckles]
383
00:14:08,090 --> 00:14:10,890
I don't know why people don't
take drugs all the time.
384
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,960
My uncle Rick does. He's in jail now.
385
00:14:13,970 --> 00:14:17,030
[Gasps] You have a junkie uncle? Me, too.
386
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:20,030
If he was a part-time
kickboxer, I'm gonna lose it.
387
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,560
[Chuckles] This is fun.
Tell me more about you.
388
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:25,170
Well, I was born in D.C.
389
00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:27,070
[Gasps] Oh, D.C.
390
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,200
And I have two brothers who are...
391
00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:30,540
Hippies.
392
00:14:30,550 --> 00:14:31,970
Gay.
393
00:14:31,980 --> 00:14:34,410
I was gonna say that they're 28 and 30.
394
00:14:34,420 --> 00:14:36,580
Wow, they are much older than you.
395
00:14:36,590 --> 00:14:38,550
My parents had me kind of late in life.
396
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,120
They call me their "happy little accident."
397
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:44,990
[Voice breaking] "Happy little accident."
398
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,320
So you weren't even supposed to be here.
399
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:52,800
And you're just this
beautiful, precious jewel.
400
00:14:54,810 --> 00:14:56,500
[Inhales sharply] Um, you know what?
401
00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:59,880
Maybe we're done with these for right now.
402
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,110
Oh, come on!
403
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:05,470
I can't believe my girlfriend
404
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,840
picked hanging out with
my drugged-up mom over me.
405
00:15:07,850 --> 00:15:10,680
I can't believe I'm not
watching aliens do it.
406
00:15:10,690 --> 00:15:13,520
Who cares, you idiots?!
We're seven miles from home!
407
00:15:13,530 --> 00:15:15,920
And I'm the only one
hot enough to hitchhike.
408
00:15:15,930 --> 00:15:17,890
[Whistles] Hey!
409
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:20,090
Honey, I'm back.
410
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,820
The kids decided to hang out
411
00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:25,990
in the park for five to seven hours.
412
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,800
[Voice breaking] Jack, I
want to have more babies.
413
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:31,300
If you're responsible for
this, I hope you can swim.
414
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,230
Now, Joanne, calm down.
415
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,760
You don't want any more children.
416
00:15:40,770 --> 00:15:42,860
I know. It...
417
00:15:42,870 --> 00:15:47,500
It just feels so final, so abrupt.
418
00:15:47,510 --> 00:15:49,710
Just like... boom!
419
00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:54,440
You can steal a baby for me, Jack.
420
00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:56,140
You work in a hospital.
421
00:15:56,150 --> 00:15:57,480
If I'm going to prison,
422
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:59,510
it's not gonna be for grabbing a new kid.
423
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:01,580
It'll be for getting rid of the old ones.
424
00:16:01,590 --> 00:16:02,920
Uh, Mrs. Dunlevy...
425
00:16:02,930 --> 00:16:04,290
Heather, I spared you the pool.
426
00:16:04,300 --> 00:16:05,260
Don't make me regret that.
427
00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:09,120
What do you know about regrets, Jack?!
428
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:11,260
Here. Eat this.
429
00:16:11,270 --> 00:16:13,330
I noticed you didn't eat
anything at dinner, so...
430
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,000
Oh, thank you.
431
00:16:15,010 --> 00:16:18,370
Thank you.
432
00:16:18,380 --> 00:16:21,880
Oh, thank you, Heather.
That's exactly what I needed.
433
00:16:23,410 --> 00:16:24,640
Thank you, Heather.
434
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,410
Mm-hmm.
435
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,410
[Doorbell rings]
436
00:16:28,420 --> 00:16:30,910
[Whines]
437
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:34,020
I'll get that.
438
00:16:34,030 --> 00:16:36,960
[Muffled] I'm so hungry.
439
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,920
Hello, again.
440
00:16:41,930 --> 00:16:44,130
I found these four trying
to cross a freeway.
441
00:16:44,140 --> 00:16:46,090
- Were they on fire?
- No, but...
442
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:47,160
Then it's none of your business.
443
00:16:47,170 --> 00:16:48,930
Jackass.
444
00:16:48,940 --> 00:16:50,570
George: Wow. What a night, huh?
445
00:16:50,580 --> 00:16:52,800
I'll just do a quick lap around
the living room and head out.
446
00:16:52,810 --> 00:16:54,170
Go home.
447
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:56,570
But it's...
448
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:59,140
So, you probably want to go too, huh?
449
00:16:59,150 --> 00:17:01,940
Um... Okay.
450
00:17:01,950 --> 00:17:05,280
I'll go call my parents.
451
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:06,780
[Sighs]
452
00:17:06,790 --> 00:17:08,150
Psst!
453
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,020
Come here.
454
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:14,220
What the hell is wrong with you?
455
00:17:14,230 --> 00:17:16,860
You're letting that girl go?
456
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,890
What... You want the Dunlevy
name to end with you?
457
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:20,290
It's over.
458
00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:22,760
There's no possible way she
could like me after tonight.
459
00:17:22,770 --> 00:17:24,370
Or were you not paying attention
460
00:17:24,380 --> 00:17:26,570
because you were playing
with mom's chicken uterus.
461
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:27,900
Normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass
462
00:17:27,910 --> 00:17:30,100
if this whole thing fell
apart, but that girl
463
00:17:30,110 --> 00:17:32,770
stayed here all night and did not complain.
464
00:17:32,780 --> 00:17:36,640
She likes you. Go talk with her.
465
00:17:36,650 --> 00:17:38,680
- It's hard!
- No!
466
00:17:38,690 --> 00:17:40,920
Curing cancer is hard.
467
00:17:40,930 --> 00:17:43,450
Learning mandarin... Now, that's hard.
468
00:17:43,460 --> 00:17:45,020
Listening to you bitch about Heather...
469
00:17:45,030 --> 00:17:46,850
That's getting very hard.
470
00:17:46,860 --> 00:17:50,020
Oh, well, if only I were
Jack and I could say
471
00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:53,360
whatever I want and I'd talk about science
472
00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:55,860
and I'd have sex in
every room of the house!
473
00:17:55,870 --> 00:17:57,330
We didn't hit the laundry room.
474
00:17:57,340 --> 00:17:58,670
I don't care!
475
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:02,370
Just stop giving me this
crap, you psychopath!
476
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:05,810
Wow.
477
00:18:05,820 --> 00:18:08,680
Feels kind of nice not
to hold anything back
478
00:18:08,690 --> 00:18:10,480
and just say whatever
you're thinking, right?
479
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:12,950
[Inhales deeply]
480
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,180
Yeah.
481
00:18:14,190 --> 00:18:16,380
Which is what you need to do with Heather.
482
00:18:16,390 --> 00:18:19,450
'Cause I'm telling you... She's a keeper.
483
00:18:19,460 --> 00:18:22,990
[Sighs]
484
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,790
Okay, I lied.
485
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,930
There was one time in the laundry room.
486
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:28,660
[Gasps, groans]
487
00:18:28,670 --> 00:18:31,670
[The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" plays]
488
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,900
We get in. We get the tape. We get out.
489
00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:35,750
Wrong room, pervs.
490
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,470
George. We need to go now.
491
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:43,180
Yeah, you should go...
'Cause it's about to get hot.
492
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:46,910
- Run!
-
I don't care if Monday's blue
493
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:48,280
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday, too
494
00:18:48,290 --> 00:18:50,350
Honey, do you realize that in three years
495
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:52,090
our kids will be gone for good?
496
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:55,260
Yes. I have a calendar where
I'm crossing off the days.
497
00:18:55,270 --> 00:18:57,130
I'm saying it's a bad thing.
498
00:18:57,140 --> 00:18:58,660
It's not a bad thing.
You don't want more kids.
499
00:18:58,670 --> 00:19:00,530
You want to be a lawyer. I know.
500
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:04,900
I know it's the right
decision. It's just... [sighs]
501
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:07,200
I'm gonna miss being a parent, Jack.
502
00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:09,800
And do you really believe
that being a parent ends
503
00:19:09,810 --> 00:19:12,370
the minute Frankie goes
off to community college
504
00:19:12,380 --> 00:19:14,780
and Rachel becomes a
bikini girl at a car show?
505
00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:17,780
I'm setting the bar low
so we're not disappointed.
506
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:19,690
They just don't need us as much anymore.
507
00:19:21,390 --> 00:19:23,420
Why did we teach them to walk?
508
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:25,450
Are you kidding me?
509
00:19:25,460 --> 00:19:28,720
I just had to stress to our son
510
00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:32,590
the importance of talking to
his supermodel girlfriend.
511
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,660
I am begging for them to need us less.
512
00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:36,230
We're never gonna stop being parents.
513
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,300
It's like a life sentence
with no hope of parole.
514
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:43,470
That's the sweetest thing you
could have ever said to me.
515
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,570
-
Tuesday, Wednesday, stay in bed
- Thank you.
516
00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:48,010
-
Oh, Thursday, watch the walls instead
- You're welcome.
517
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,240
Mm. Thank you.
518
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,850
It's Friday, I'm in love
519
00:19:52,860 --> 00:19:55,450
Dressed up to the eyes
520
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:56,450
Heather!
521
00:19:56,460 --> 00:19:57,850
I got something to say!
522
00:19:57,860 --> 00:19:59,420
Why are you yelling? I don't know!
523
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:02,890
Look, I'm sorry about
tonight, but that's my family.
524
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:05,090
They're weird and my
parents have sex everywhere.
525
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,930
But the point is, I don't
always tell you how I feel.
526
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,760
But I like you, and I want
to get to know you better
527
00:20:09,770 --> 00:20:12,000
because I think you're amazing.
528
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,530
'Cause I was walking back
from the ice-cream place.
529
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:16,400
And I turned to Mikey. I was
like, "Mikey, I-I don't know..."
530
00:20:16,410 --> 00:20:18,810
Frankie, just stop talking.
531
00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:19,870
-
It's Friday, I'm in love
- Okay.
532
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,540
I'm not gonna lie to you
533
00:20:21,550 --> 00:20:23,210
and say I suddenly got great at talking.
534
00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:25,180
I don't care if Monday's blue
535
00:20:25,190 --> 00:20:26,810
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday, too
536
00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:29,920
But I found out sometimes
just being honest is enough.
537
00:20:29,930 --> 00:20:33,650
Would you two knock it off? We
get it. You like each other.
538
00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:35,490
'Cause, hey, life's always gonna figure out
539
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:36,790
a way to embarrass you.
540
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,990
Man: Our detector rods are showing
541
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,660
signs of life on this planet.
542
00:20:41,670 --> 00:20:43,830
Woman: I'm detecting a rod right now.
543
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:46,000
Old movies are gross.
544
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:48,600
I don't remember
"Casablanca" being this good.
545
00:20:48,610 --> 00:20:50,070
No.
546
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,720
- Turn it off, Jack.
- [Chuckles]
547
00:20:55,190 --> 00:20:57,310
"Naked Babes from Outer Space"?
548
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,580
We're sorry, sir.
549
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,950
That was not intended for
your family's viewing.
550
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,380
It's okay. It was
surprisingly well-written.
551
00:21:03,390 --> 00:21:05,650
Still, you know what has to happen, right?
552
00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:07,360
- Yes.
- Do I have to do it,
553
00:21:07,370 --> 00:21:08,660
or would you rather go with honor?
554
00:21:08,670 --> 00:21:09,870
I regret nothing.
555
00:21:24,650 --> 00:21:27,919
Good God, that's cold.
556
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:33,682
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557
00:21:33,732 --> 00:21:38,282
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