Original subtitles

I'm so glad you're my girl, I'll do anything for you

- Call you every night

- Adult Frankie: My girlfriend and I

had just spent an entire movie doing this.

- And give you flowers, too

- Things were going pretty great.

- I thank the lord for you

- [Car door opens]

A buck a gallon.

- And think about you all the time

- One dollar for a gallon of gasoline.

- I ask him every day

- You guys make it to a third date, she's pitching in.

- That you'll forever be mine

- Only problem... when we stopped kissing,

I had no idea how to talk to her.

Uh, well, that was a fun movie.

Yeah.

Movies... are fun.

Holy hell, my head's about to explode.

You just spent two hours watching people talk.

Didn't you pick up any tricks?

I'm gonna jump-start this.

Conversation topics...

Food, the beach, cat vs dog.

Greatest song ever written... I'll give you a hint.

It's "the gambler" by Kenny Rogers.

- Condoms? - Whoa, all right.

Well, you're throwing me a curve,

but I'll roll with you, Heather.

What's with the gimmicky prophylactics?

I mean, you got the ribbed this, the glow-in-the-dark that.

Whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned latex.

It's a penis.

I don't need to dress it up like it's leading a parade.

Anyone else want to jump in?

No, I'm actually sitting on a box of condoms.

Oh, yeah. Those are mine.

Well, why are they in the car?

That was the last place I used them.

- Hey! Ew! - Really? Tell you what.

If you ever left the house on the weekends,

your mother and I wouldn't have to use the car

like animals.

There. Now you've got something to talk about.

[Groans]

- [Engine turns over] - You're welcome.

Da, da, da-la-da

Da, da, da-la

Da, da, da-la-da

The story of my li-i-i-fe

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[Chuckling] Aww, look how cute you look in this.

I think the laser beams make you look like

a space captain who means business.

Mom, don't put that up. It was during my awkward phase.

What the hell phase do you think you're in now?

All right, everybody, listen up.

Your mother's having surgery tomorrow.

She's gonna be okay, right?

She's not gonna die, right?

Oh, my God. If mom died, it would just be us and dad.

Right, like I'd stick around.

First of all, you would. It's in my will.

And second of all, no one's dying.

I'm just having a cyst removed.

Ew. Old people have the weirdest problems.

Jack: Whatever.

Society dictates that parents

are supposed to live for their children.

I don't subscribe to that belief.

It is a perversion.

I live for your mother,

and this weekend is about her recovery.

I'm in charge of her well-being.

You two are in charge of not being a pain in the ass.

If you fail, I will hog-toss you into the pool.

Which reminds me, I got to turn the pool heater off.

Well, I'm hanging out with Heather tomorrow,

so I'm not gonna be a problem.

Good.

Okay, I am going to be fine.

And by the way, when do I get to meet Heather?

When you bump into her in the mall with her new boyfriend.

This kid can't string two words together when he's around her.

Maybe it's because we know each other so well,

we don't need to talk... Like grandma and grandpa.

Grammy and grandpa don't talk 'cause they hate each other.

It's true.

I think the only thing keeping them alive

is the thought of seeing the other one die.

I don't know what Heather sees in him.

She's super-pretty, not like me pretty,

but... yeah, she's pretty.

I think Frankie could use some fatherly advice

about how to talk to women.

Like he's so great at it.

Does it need to be from his father?

Look, maybe I shouldn't interfere.

This could be natural selection

trying to weed him out of the gene pool.

Fine, but you're dealing with him when they break up.

And remember, he owns an acoustic guitar.

[Video game beeping]

Dude.

Do you think that me and Heather are gonna last?

Probably not.

You will not believe the score we just made.

"Casablanca"?

Did somebody tell you there's boobs in that.

'Cause I watched it with my mom.

And for sure, there's not.

It's just a bunch of sad European guys

making hard choices.

Open it.

"Naked Babes from Outer Space."

Space chicks could have three, four boobs.

There are no limits.

How did you do this?

I slipped through the curtain

while George stood watch, disguised.

That wasn't a disguise. My lazy eye was acting up.

[Coughing, wheezing]

What was it like in there?

I want to live in that room, man.

Chick-a-chick-ah. Chick-a-chick-ah.

I get it the first two days. Then it'll go on rotation.

I put together a sign-out sheet.

So the "Casablanca" tape is in a porn case right now.

So what?

[ Piano plays "As Time Goes By"]

Where are the alien boobs?

Shh! I want to see if she gets on the plane.

- Boys. - [Both gasp]

If you're here tomorrow when my wife gets home from surgery,

I'm throwing you in the pool.

- Got it. - Got it.

Wait a minute.

He did it.

That "Casablanca"?

Why wouldn't it be?

That's Joanne's favorite movie.

Me, I prefer my war movies to actually have war in them.

But... thanks. I'll return it tomorrow.

This counts as your day.

[En Vog's "My Lovin" plays]

Let's go for a ride.

[Video game beeps] Can we take the car that you and mom haven't done it in?

No such car.

Also, if you're trying to avoid places

where your mother and I have gotten intimate,

you'll want to get off that bed.

Ew!

No, you're never gonna get it

Ow!

I can't believe you're taking me to a strip club!

I-if this is one of those things that counts as, like,

my Christmas and birthday present at the same time,

I'm totally cool with it.

Jack: Hey, settle down.

Now, if you don't learn

how to talk to a girl like a normal human being,

you will become this...

The man that goes to a strip club during the day.

They are the lowest form of life...

So desperate they can't even wait till the cover of darkness.

Doesn't seem that bad to me.

Sir. When was the last time you had a date with a woman?

Define date.

Okay. I rest my case.

Now... keep walking.

So, you got two choices here, champ.

Either learn to talk to girls,

or end up like these pathetic human beings.

- Hey! - Enjoy the buffet.

A little respect

Well, I don't know what to talk to her about.

That's because you barely know each other.

So change that.

Or don't and spend your days here, eating a crappy steak

and trying to ignore the C-section scars.

S-so, we're not going in?

- Never gonna get it

- Get in the car.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

The only thing my dad cared about was my mom's recovery.

How you feeling? Okay, good.

You're gonna feel groggy for just a little bit.

Nothing to worry about it.

But if you have four to six bouts of diarrhea in an hour,

- you just let me know. - Oh, trust me, you'll know.

Honey, do you feel like

- we lied to the kids? - No.

We could have just said,

"Mom had a cyst removed and also got her tubes tied."

Don't they have a right to know?

No. No, they have no rights.

They're basically parasites

that nature's conditioned us to love.

I just think they need to know that the door

that brought them into this world

[voice breaking] Is now closed.

We're getting a little excited now,

and that's exactly why we hadn't tell them

that you got your tubes tied.

Mom got her tubes tied?

- No. - Big time.

Rachel, just because you hear our conversations

doesn't make you a part of them.

Now beat it. We're not gonna excite your mother.

You just relax, honey. I'm gonna put on some Carly Simon.

[Door opens]

Mom, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

[Gasps]

Is this the world-famous Heather?

No.

[Chuckles]

You have to stay for dinner.

Yeah, no. You've had major surgery.

- Got to relax. - Okay, nonsense. Nonsense.

I'm gonna go change my clothes.

Why don't you start?

How do you feel about chopping vegetables?

'Cause I probably shouldn't be holding a knife.

[Chuckles]

Uh-oh.

[Screams]

[Sighs]

What were you thinking? Why is she here?

I wanted her to get to know me better,

which was your advice.

I meant take her for a walk in the park,

not bring her to a retirement party

for your mom's ovaries.

Rachel, Rachel. Get in here.

Get in... get in here. Faster, faster.

Listen to me, you two. I know your mom.

She loves you kids way more than she should,

and she has decided to stop having more of your kind.

Now, that has turned her into

a bubbling volcano of emotion that could erupt at anytime.

Do not be the sorry ass that sets her off.

Do you hear me? No more surprises. Are we clear?

[Doorbell rings]

Who the hell is that?

Doug. If Frankie gets to bring a date, I'm bringing one.

[High-pitched voice] This is a new sweater!

[Screams]

Now get out of here before my wife sees you.

Not a word, or you're next.

Right.

Don't even. [Scoffs]

Favorite childhood moment right there.

Psst. Come on.

What are you guys doing here?

Your dad has "Casablanca." Can you grab it for us?

What? G... I don't know where he put it!

I've got way more important stuff to deal with right now.

Oh, more important than space boobs?!

- Shh! - He didn't mean it, man.

Come on. We're getting that tape back.

Okay, here comes the dinner train.

Chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga, chuga-chuga,

chuga-chuga, chh.

More like the vicodin train.

Oh, I didn't know you guys were going swimming.

Seriously, Heather Blumeyer, I am not in the mood.

This situation sucked.

I just couldn't let Heather realize how much.

Did anyone catch that episode

of the "Fresh Prince" last night?

So, mom got her tubes tied.

It was the one

where Will sets Geoffrey up on a blind date.

Oh, boy. It does not go well.

Why didn't dad just get a vasectomy?

I have offered many, many times.

I offered on our honeymoon.

Oh, it's way easier for guys.

Allison's dad got snipped,

and he went horseback riding that night.

Allison's dad is a big, fat liar.

His scrotum would rip open like a bag of chips.

Oh, good. Scrotum talk.

Joanne: Okay, honey, it was just more convenient.

I was having a cyst removed anyway.

So while they were down there, I was like,

"Why don't you just, you know..."

[Pops lips]

[Imitates creaking]

Tss! Tss!

I mean... I-I don't know, honey. You're the doctor.

Why don't you explain?

No, as always, I think we should eat in silence.

I second that.

[Scoffs] It's out in the open.

- They might as well know the facts. - Thank you.

Okay, let's say this chicken is your mother.

It's not.

Inside here is her reproductive system.

Let me just dig it on out

so we know what we're working with.

[Laughs] Doesn't seem necessary, but there it is.

Say these green beans are the fallopian tubes.

They go something like that.

And all surgeon does is just do a little snip there,

little snip like that... Off you go. Off you go.

And then... preventing the eggs from entering the uterus.

Right? Goodbye, babies. Hello, law school.

The thing you've always wanted to do

and are currently enrolled in.

Okay, Heather, you got to try this stuffing.

It's my grandmother's recipe.

Oh, you know what? I had a really big lunch.

I'll just get us some more water.

Okay, this had gone as bad as it could possibly go.

What's that smell?

[Smoke detector beeping]

Everyone happy?

Next time you baked a pie, set the time.

I-I'm sorry. That's my fault.

I'm still fuzzy from surgery this morning.

You made this woman cook for you, right after she had a surgery?

Don't you have a calendar to pose for? Or something?

It-it's not a big deal. I just had my tubes tied.

You know vasectomy's much less evasive, right?

Boy, you guys got a lot more attitude since that backdraft movie came out.

You need a vasectomy and go horse backriding on the same day.

My tubes tied? You want to call the cops, so you can tell them too?

No.

You okay?

Yeah. I just...

I can't believe that pie just like, caught on fire,

Okay, here we are, moment of truth.

- Yeah. - Adult Frankie: Yeah. Use your words.

- Fire's bad. - Adult Frankie: Fire's bad?

Adult frankie: What are you, a caveman? I need a miracle to turn this around.

We got the porno.

Okay, Mikey. Thank you so much.

George. Mikey. Casablanca.

Did you bring that for me?

- Oh. We were just. - You guys are so sweet.

This is my favorite movie.

- Can we watch it now? - Both: No!

W... uh... I didn't rewind it.

Oh, that's okay.

Oh, good. It's at the beginning.

Dr. Dunlevy and I used to watch it

when I was pregnant with Frankie.

- What the hell's going on here? - [Sighs]

Oh, good God.

They handed him to me.

And your father looked at me and said...

[As Humphrey bogart] "Here's looking at you, kid."

[Whimpers]

And here's the emotional volcano

my dad had warned us about.

The cherry on top? Porn!

[Voice breaking] He was so tiny.

He was huge and bloody.

It was 26 hours of labor. You prayed for death twice.

Who wants to go get ice cream?

Oh, yeah. He had a huge head.

You were built like a lollipop.

I need someone to stay here with her.

I will.

Fantastic.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Okay.

There you have it.

Heather would rather spend time at home with my mom

than another second with me.

It was over.

Joanne: Heather.

[As Humphrey bogart] I think this is the start

of a beautiful friendship.

- [Imitates smoking] - you want to make her suicide blonde

Love devastation

Dad, this ice-cream place is closed.

Aw, that's too bad. Do you guys remember how to get home?

- Yeah. Why? - [Tires squeal]

Love devastation

[Glass shatters]

You want to make her

- Suicide blonde

- [Mumbling]

- Love devastation

- Mrs. Dunlevy?

[Gasps] Oh, hi, honey. [Chuckles]

I'm actually feeling much better after taking one of these.

[Chuckles]

I don't know why people don't take drugs all the time.

My uncle Rick does. He's in jail now.

[Gasps] You have a junkie uncle? Me, too.

If he was a part-time kickboxer, I'm gonna lose it.

[Chuckles] This is fun. Tell me more about you.

Well, I was born in D.C.

[Gasps] Oh, D.C.

And I have two brothers who are...

Hippies.

Gay.

I was gonna say that they're 28 and 30.

Wow, they are much older than you.

My parents had me kind of late in life.

They call me their "happy little accident."

[Voice breaking] "Happy little accident."

So you weren't even supposed to be here.

And you're just this beautiful, precious jewel.

[Inhales sharply] Um, you know what?

Maybe we're done with these for right now.

Oh, come on!

I can't believe my girlfriend

picked hanging out with my drugged-up mom over me.

I can't believe I'm not watching aliens do it.

Who cares, you idiots?! We're seven miles from home!

And I'm the only one hot enough to hitchhike.

[Whistles] Hey!

Honey, I'm back.

The kids decided to hang out

in the park for five to seven hours.

[Voice breaking] Jack, I want to have more babies.

If you're responsible for this, I hope you can swim.

Now, Joanne, calm down.

You don't want any more children.

I know. It...

It just feels so final, so abrupt.

Just like... boom!

You can steal a baby for me, Jack.

You work in a hospital.

If I'm going to prison,

it's not gonna be for grabbing a new kid.

It'll be for getting rid of the old ones.

Uh, Mrs. Dunlevy...

Heather, I spared you the pool.

Don't make me regret that.

What do you know about regrets, Jack?!

Here. Eat this.

I noticed you didn't eat anything at dinner, so...

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Heather. That's exactly what I needed.

Thank you, Heather.

Mm-hmm.

[Doorbell rings]

[Whines]

I'll get that.

[Muffled] I'm so hungry.

Hello, again.

I found these four trying to cross a freeway.

- Were they on fire? - No, but...

Then it's none of your business.

Jackass.

George: Wow. What a night, huh?

I'll just do a quick lap around the living room and head out.

Go home.

But it's...

So, you probably want to go too, huh?

Um... Okay.

I'll go call my parents.

[Sighs]

Psst!

Come here.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're letting that girl go?

What... You want the Dunlevy name to end with you?

It's over.

There's no possible way she could like me after tonight.

Or were you not paying attention

because you were playing with mom's chicken uterus.

Normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass

if this whole thing fell apart, but that girl

stayed here all night and did not complain.

She likes you. Go talk with her.

- It's hard! - No!

Curing cancer is hard.

Learning mandarin... Now, that's hard.

Listening to you bitch about Heather...

That's getting very hard.

Oh, well, if only I were Jack and I could say

whatever I want and I'd talk about science

and I'd have sex in every room of the house!

We didn't hit the laundry room.

I don't care!

Just stop giving me this crap, you psychopath!

Wow.

Feels kind of nice not to hold anything back

and just say whatever you're thinking, right?

[Inhales deeply]

Yeah.

Which is what you need to do with Heather.

'Cause I'm telling you... She's a keeper.

[Sighs]

Okay, I lied.

There was one time in the laundry room.

[Gasps, groans]

[The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" plays]

We get in. We get the tape. We get out.

Wrong room, pervs.

George. We need to go now.

Yeah, you should go... 'Cause it's about to get hot.

- Run! - I don't care if Monday's blue

Tuesday's grey and Wednesday, too

Honey, do you realize that in three years

our kids will be gone for good?

Yes. I have a calendar where I'm crossing off the days.

I'm saying it's a bad thing.

It's not a bad thing. You don't want more kids.

You want to be a lawyer. I know.

I know it's the right decision. It's just... [sighs]

I'm gonna miss being a parent, Jack.

And do you really believe that being a parent ends

the minute Frankie goes off to community college

and Rachel becomes a bikini girl at a car show?

I'm setting the bar low so we're not disappointed.

They just don't need us as much anymore.

Why did we teach them to walk?

Are you kidding me?

I just had to stress to our son

the importance of talking to his supermodel girlfriend.

I am begging for them to need us less.

We're never gonna stop being parents.

It's like a life sentence with no hope of parole.

That's the sweetest thing you could have ever said to me.

- Tuesday, Wednesday, stay in bed

- Thank you.

- Oh, Thursday, watch the walls instead

- You're welcome.

Mm. Thank you.

It's Friday, I'm in love

Dressed up to the eyes

Heather!

I got something to say!

Why are you yelling? I don't know!

Look, I'm sorry about tonight, but that's my family.

They're weird and my parents have sex everywhere.

But the point is, I don't always tell you how I feel.

But I like you, and I want to get to know you better

because I think you're amazing.

'Cause I was walking back from the ice-cream place.

And I turned to Mikey. I was like, "Mikey, I-I don't know..."

Frankie, just stop talking.

- It's Friday, I'm in love

- Okay.

I'm not gonna lie to you

and say I suddenly got great at talking.

I don't care if Monday's blue

Tuesday's grey and Wednesday, too

But I found out sometimes just being honest is enough.

Would you two knock it off? We get it. You like each other.

'Cause, hey, life's always gonna figure out

a way to embarrass you.

Man: Our detector rods are showing

signs of life on this planet.

Woman: I'm detecting a rod right now.

Old movies are gross.

I don't remember "Casablanca" being this good.

No.

- Turn it off, Jack. - [Chuckles]

"Naked Babes from Outer Space"?

We're sorry, sir.

That was not intended for your family's viewing.

It's okay. It was surprisingly well-written.

Still, you know what has to happen, right?

- Yes. - Do I have to do it,

or would you rather go with honor?

I regret nothing.

Good God, that's cold.

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