All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[Birds chirp]

[Cell phone rings]

Johnny: Kids!
Your mother's on the phone,

and it's her first day on set,

so let's all make sure we keep
her spirits high, okay?

Alexis, come on.

- Mr. Rose, I think you should
answer it.

- Yeah, she's over there
all by herself,

so it's gotta be stressful,
right?

I mean, the jet lag, and--
- Oh my god, answer the phone!

- That's why-that's why--
- Answer the phone, please!

- Put her on speaker,
how do you put her on speaker?

- Arghhh!
- Speaker, speaker.

Yeah, hello? Moira?

Moira: John? Hello? Hello?

- Moira? David, I don't think
she can hear me!

- John, are you there?

- Yeah, I'm here,
everybody's here.

I expected to hear from you
yesterday.

Kids, say hi to your mother.

- Hey.
- Hi...

- She-she's not my mother.
- Who are those voices?

- Uh, your children!

- Oh Alexis, do you have
strep again?

- That was David!
- Is that Stevie?

- Hi.

- David! Oh, David,
how's the store?

Any new customers,
or is it still friendless?

- Okay, thank you.

- And John, I know disoriented
you get in my absence.

Don't forget I left you
that Sudoku book.

- Yeah, well, I haven't
needed it sweetheart,

because I've been up
since 5:00am,

there's so much to do here
at the motel.

But listen,
how are you doing?

I mean, how does it feel
to be back in the saddle?

- Oh John, there's a sweetness
in the air,

and I'm not just saying that

because we shoot next
to a baklava factory.

[Snapping] Kids!

Do you wanna put those
magazines back, please?!

- No.
[Knock on door]

- Excellent, Hamza!
Darlings, I must sign off.

I'm finally getting my
tete-a-tete with the director.

He's some up-and-coming pretty
young thing out of New York.

- Well, sounds like your kind
of people.

- Yes! You come up with
some real money,

you can attract the best.

Well, zbogom, John!

That's goodbye in the mother
tongue!

- Okay, well, I'll sign off
too, sweetheart.

Lots to do, but wishing you
an exciting--

[Call beeps off]

Okay, yep. Miss you, too.

- She already hung up.

- Oh! Burn, Dad!

- Oh my God that's so
embarrassing,

you must feel ridiculous.

- You better remember which
nails you pulled

those wigs from, because your
mother keeps a spreadsheet.

♪♪♪

- David? Come here, please.
- [Gasps]

I have a concern.
- Oh! Um, no.

Your natural deodorant
isn't working.

- Stop, David! No, come here.

Sit!
- What?

- Um...
- What?!

- I just wanted to make sure
that everything was okay

between you and Patrick.

- Yeah! Why? Why? What did-
what did he say to you?

- No, nothing. I just got...

scared when I saw your score
on this relationship quiz.

- Oh my God!

- Because according
to M'Lady Magazine,

"How Electric is your
Relationship" quiz

from summer 1991,
you and Patrick

are "In Need of a Generator!"
Poor thing!

- Okay, first of all,
it's Major Lady Magazine,

and second of all,
that quiz is garbage.

- Mm, totally, David.

This garbage quiz that it looks
like you took more than once.

- Yeah, because it's rigged.
You could take it 1000 times

you'd still get the same
outcome.

- Oh, it's okay, David.

You and Patrick have settled in
to that like,

nine to five life, so things
are probably starting

to feel a little snooze-town.

- You're dating a vet
who irons his polo shirts.

- Um, Ted and I got
"Electrical Storm." So.

- That's impossible.
What did you do to get that?

did you plug your hairdryer
in with wet hands again?

- Hey, that happened twice
David, let it go.

Sorry that we work hard
to keep the sparks flying.

- That's disgusting.

- We've actually started taking
every Friday afternoon off

to go on "adventure dates."

- "Adventure dates" sound like
something a marriage counselor

would proscribe
as a last resort.

- Okay, fine... I was gonna see

if you guys wanted to join us
this afternoon,

but you probably have more
exciting things to do,

like put price tags
on things, and--

- It's merchandising day,
actually.

- Oh!

- Where are you going, anyway?

- Ted booked a tour
of Elm Falls Park,

which is like,
a super cute look for us.

- Sounds dumb.

Fine, text me the information,

and I'll see
if we're interested.

- Oh! David?
It could be worse.

you guys could be
a "Total Power Failure."

- Mm! Eat glass.

[Door slams]

- Caw! Caw!
My teamster brethren!

Yes, it's me,
if you can believe it!

[Dog barks]

[Woman laughs]

[Low hum of chatter]

[Knocks]

[Door latch clicks]

- Okay, I told the producers

I would approve background
on set.

- Oh! And I shall tell them
the same.

You must be Blaire.
No last name.

Doctor Clara Beatrice Mandrake
at your service.

Middle name wasn't scripted,
but I've done my homework.

- Okay. So, you're Rose, then?

- Moira Rose. And I see
what's happening here.

Break me down
just to build me up again!

Like Stan Kubrick
did to Shelley.

- Okay, I'm not really
into games,

and I'm due on set in an hour,

so can whatever this is can
wait 'til then?

- I imagine script revisions
might be something

you'd like to sign off on

before the first clap
of the boards.

- There's a problem with
the script?

- Well, just a few character
adjustments.

- [Laughs] I'm kidding.

The script's a total
dumpster fire, of course.

- Hah! If the script
were garbage,

I don't believe
we'd have signed on.

- It's an apocalyptic fantasy
about mutant crows.

I think we all know
what we're making here.

- A timely allegory
about prejudice.

- Okay, Maura, is it?
- Moira.

- My last picture was a $50
million dollar studio project.

I think it's safe to say
that this is not that.

- And what exactly is this
to you, then?

- A trip to Bora Bora.

- I see. Bora Bora.

Caroline Kennedy once called it
the Atlantic City

of French Polynesia.

- Okay, let's just cash
our paycheques,

and pray no one
ever sees this, yeah?

[Door slams]

[Dog barks]

[Door opens]
- Morning, Stevie.

I'm just here to submit
my letter of resignation.

- Okay, you can just leave it
right here on the desk.

- Well, I haven't actually
written it yet.

But I guess I can just
dictate it to you right now.

Um, "To whom it may concern."

- Sorry Roland, why exactly
are you quitting?

- Well, I would rather quit
than come in here every day

and be humiliated!

I mean, I come to work,
and Johnny's out there

doing all my jobs!

- Yeah, he's been...
buzzing around

ever since Mrs. Rose left.
- Yeah, exactly!

I mean, come on, what's next?

I go home and he's playing
strip backgammon with my wife?

[Laughs] Come on!

- No, don't talk to me.
- Yeah.

I-I mean, I look in the mirror

and it's Johnny's face
staring back at me?

- Got it, Roland.
I'll talk to him.

- Okay, well, I'll go with you.

- Oh, look! This guy's wearing
a work shirt.

He's even copping my look now!

[Scoffs]

- Uh...

What ya doin' there, Mr. Rose?

- Oh, I noticed there was a bit
of blockage in the gutters.

- But um...

Roland's in charge
of doing the gutters.

- Yeah, I'm the gutter guy,
Johnny.

Everybody knows
I'm the gutter guy!

- Well, it was on the to-do
list for today.

- Yeah, it was on my to-do list!

What are you gonna do next,
the bathrooms?!

- No, I haven't done
the bathrooms.

- Jeez, I wouldn't mind
if he did the bathrooms.

- Uh, is everything okay,
Mr. Rose?

- Yeah, never felt better.
I feel invigorated!

- Well, maybe you can move on
to cleaning the windows,

and give Roland his job back?

- Well, I've already done
the windows.

It looks like Roland might have
to find some other work.

- Oh jeez. Find some other
work, do you hear him?

What's gonna happen next?
I go to my dermatologist,

and Johnny's there getting
my moles checked?

Stevie: Point made Roland,
thank you.

[Bell on door jingles]

[Soft Jazz music plays]

- Oh hi.
- Hi.

- Have I ever told you how
sexy it is to walk in here

and see you doing um...

inventory?

And wearing those little rubber
thimbles on your fingers?

- They help me flip
the pages easier.

- Hot. Hot sex.

You know what else is hot
and sexy?

Doing something spontaneous
this afternoon.

- Ooh, like what?

You helping me
with the inventory?

- Yes. Or...

taking the afternoon off.

Mixing up the nine to five.

- Okay...

well, nine to five
are our store hours.

So it's kinda hard to build
customer loyalty

when your store is just like,
spontaneously open or closed.

- Yeah. Anyway, it turns out

Alexis's relationship
is in trouble.

- What?
- Yeah, I know.

Struggling. She practically
begged us to join them

at the park this afternoon,

probably for emotional support.

- Wow, we just saw them,
they seemed totally fine.

- I know. Yeah.

Well, they're in need
of a generator,

if you know what I mean.

- Well, I don't, but uh...

if you think it'll help
a bad situation,

I guess we could duck out
a little early today.

It will just mean we'll have
to start early tomorrow.

- Mhmm.

You know, it's that unshakable
sense of responsibility

that makes me wanna just...

rip those little rubber things,

and... burn 'em in a fire.

[Laughs]

[Groans]

Johnny: Twyla, can I get
a lunch special to go, please?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Oh! So no one thought
to tell me

about the team lunch today?

- Oh, we tried.

You just couldn't hear us over
the sound of the lawnmower.

- Yeah, lawnmower,
as in mowing the lawn,

which is also my job.

- Am I supposed to be reading
between the lines here?

- Well, I think we were just
wondering if maybe the fact

that you're so invigorated
to work lately

is because Mrs. Rose is gone,

and you're trying to fill a--

- Fill a big, black empty hole
in your life.

Is that pretty much what
you were trying

to say there, Stevie?

- Maybe not quite like that,
but--

- Okay, if you're suggesting
that my work ethic

has anything to do with--
oh, it's Moira!

I gotta to take this.

Moira, what's the good word?

- Oh John, I'm afraid I've made
a grave error in judgement.

- Oh sweetheart, I told you not
to drink the tap water.

- If only! At this moment
an intestinal bacteria

would wreak less havoc
on my career!

- Well, I don't understand.

Everything was fine
two hours ago.

- John, you know me,
I'm never one to complain.

I didn't bat an eye when
I found out my accommodation

here was in actuality a small
"Bed or Breakfast."

They feed me at work,
I'll take the bed.

- So then what's the problem?

- Our director appears to be
on a kamikaze mission

to sink this ship,

and I refuse to be the goddess
on its prow!

- Well, if you're not enjoying
yourself anymore sweetheart,

then coming home
is always an option.

I mean, you must be missing
your family.

- Oh, thank you, John,
but that's not it.

This was supposed to be
my comeback vehicle,

and opportunities like this

come along ever
so infrequently.

- Well, Moira,

I feel the answer
is right in front of you.

This isn't some rinky-dink
made-for-TV movie,

or a voice gig for an X-rated
Japanese video game.

- That- that was rated "M"
for "Mature," John.

- All I'm saying is you have
an opportunity here.

And if you want it bad enough,
you've gotta fight for it.

- You're right. You're right!

If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought

to keep the Speed Franchise
alive,

we never would've had
"Cruise Control".

John, thank you.

I would be lost without you.

[Kiss sound, beeps call off]

- Me too.

- Everything okay?

- Yeah, everything's good,
Stevie.

Everything's good.
So I'm gonna head back,

uh, but you can brainstorm some
things for Roland to do.

And if not,
I have a window later,

so I can take the job on
if you like.

- Just so you're aware,
Mr. Rose,

the special is cream
of mushroom soup.

We don't actually have
to-go containers for that,

so I've just double-bagged it.

would you like a spoon,
or a straw?

[Wood creaks]

[Birds chirp]

- I have to say, David,
I'm a little shocked

that you agreed to do this,

I know how fearful
you are of heights.

- Hmm. Well, "fearful" makes me

sound like some Dickensian
orphan with a chronic illness.

It's more an aversion.

Yeah, do I wish that Alexis
was a little more specific

when she said we were coming
to a park?

Uh maybe, but this, this is
gonna be fun, I think for us.

You know?
- Yeah.

- David, you look so cute
under there!

Like a tiny toadstool man,

or a little acorn person,
or something.

- Hey! So glad you guys
could make it!

- I hope you didn't have
to like,

rearrange your daily schedule,
or anything, hm?

- Oh, no, no, no, we just
agreed to finish

doing the inventory tomorrow.

- Mm, that's a sensible
decision.

- Yeah.

- They look like they're really
enjoying each other's company.

- Yeah, they fake it well.

- I actually did one of these
at summer camp.

- Yeah, and I couldn't imagine
who wouldn't want to dangle

20 feet in the air
on a series of shaky logs.

- It's actually closer
to 30 feet, bud.

- David's never done anything
like this before.

- Uh oh, we've got a virgin!
- Okay,

you might wanna talk to half my
birthright trip about that.

- All right, do you wanna go
first, babe?

- Hundred, babe.
- Oh okay, there we go!

- Hey. Mm!

- All right.

You feeling okay, David?

You're looking a little flushed.

- No, just using a new tinted
moisturizer, that's all.

- It's all right.

- I guess I'll go.
- [Laughs] All right!

- This will be a fun
adventure for us.

- Yes...

- Get the clip off,
and you're ready to go.

- Babe!
- Whoa, great job, babe!

- David!

David!
- Stop!

[David whimpers]

- None of my phone chargers
are working!

I ask for a pressed juice,

and all I get are blank stares.

Look, I just find it hard
to believe

that this was the best gig
you could've gotten me.

Get my days down! Yeah.
Hi.

- Hello, again.
- Hi.

I was hoping this might be
an opportune moment

to discuss the quagmire

in which you fancy yourself
ensnared?

- The what to the what now?

- I suspect you're viewing
this enterprise as a barrier

rather than a gateway
to the future of your career.

- Yeah, you really don't
have to worry

about the future of my career.
- Is that so?

Because I did a little
"Ask Jeeves-ing,"

and you, Sir,
were recently cut loose

from a high-profile
blockbuster.

- We had artistic differences.

- You were the artist,
and they were indifferent!

- Yes, well, nothing is a sure
thing in this business.

- Nothing is a sure thing.

Which is why you should
look at every opportunity

as a pearl in an un-shucked
oyster.

- I would hardly call this
an opportunity!

- I-I worked in soaps.

They had me play my own father,

who then became pregnant
despite the vasectomy.

I still hold the record
for the longest-running

demonic possession on daytime
television.

- Okay, what's your point?

- We were number one.

Every project has potential.

If you allow yourself
to see it,

and give it the respect
it deserves,

others just may follow suit.

- Yeah, I really wouldn't know
where to start with this one.

- Hmm, well, here
are my revisions.

If you care to discuss them,

I'll be running lines
in the nest.

[Blaire sighs heavily]

- Hey Stevie, don't mind me.

just coming in for a quick
cup of rocket fuel.

- Nobody drinks that rocket
fuel, Mr. Rose.

- I know it tastes like
something I found

in that gutter out there,
but uh...

it's the pick-me-up I need to
finish reorganizing the shed.

- [Exasperated sigh]

You're reorganizing the shed?

That's not on the calendar
'til next week.

- Yeah well,
with my evenings free,

I mean, normally at this time

Moira and I are deciding
on dinner plans, but uh...

- Okay, Mr. Rose,

I know I might be
overstepping here,

but I...
just wanted you to know

that it's okay to miss
your wife.

- No, it's just an adjustment,
that's all.

I mean, we're making
adjustments all the time.

Yesterday I couldn't drink
this coffee, and now...

we've been serving this
to guests the whole time?

- Mr. Rose,

I-I hope that someday
I find someone

who I can stand long enough

to feel a little lost
when they're not around.

- [Sighs heavily]

I'm exhausted.

Eight days, Stevie.

That's the longest we've gone
without seeing each other.

No matter where we were,

and... yeah, we've managed
to keep it up

for almost 40 years.

- Well, see?

It makes sense that
you're a little

out of sorts without her.

- I'll tell you what's not
out of sorts anymore,

that shed! [Chuckles]

- Yeah well, now that
you're done with the shed,

maybe you could start sharing
the jobs with Roland again?

- Yeah well,
you're right, Stevie,

and I will call Roland.

It's just I'm so tired

From all the work
I've been doing,

so I'm thinking...

maybe you could...

- No, it's just not my job.

- Right.

Patrick: You can do this, David!

Just one step at a time!

- You're looking pretty shaky
there, David.

I really hope we didn't "rope"
you into something here.

Alexis: Hey David,
just pretend you're in like,

a super dangerous walk-and-turn
sobriety test.

- Okay, I don't like this!

- Okay well then,
just turn around!

Why would he agree do this
when he's afraid of heights?

- He's not afraid of heights,

He's afraid of moths
and butterflies.

- And businesswomen in sneakers.

- Okay, I can hear you!

- And also heights,

something to do with him being
broken up with while he was--

- Parasailing in the Seychelles!

He and Anderson Cooper were
stuck up there for like,

three hours,
until the wind died down.

I totally forgot! Argh!

I'm sorry, David!
- Aah!

- I'm sorry, you were right,
the quiz was rigged.

- What?!
- What quiz?

- Okay, David took this
relationship quiz,

and it said that his
relationship was like,

in need of some excitement.

- What?!
- David, I lied!

I took the quiz like, 15 times.

"In Need of a Generator"
is like,

the only answer you can get.

- Oh my God!

- Okay, I don't know
what this is about,

but this generator
is running smoothly.

- So we're doing all of this
so that you can prove

our relationship is exciting?

- I failed the stupid quiz,

and Alexis made me feel
bad about it.

- David, you're basically
40 years old,

I shouldn't be able to make you
feel bad about anything.

- I love our relationship.

I love it when you
order me pizza.

I love when you use words
like inventory!

I even love those stupid
rubber things

you put on your fingers,

'cause you think they flip
the pages faster.

They don't flip the pages
faster.

They don't flip the pages
faster!

- Okay...
- I'm so sorry!

- We're gonna talk about
the fact that we missed

half a day of work
to make this happen,

But you did just do a tree walk
30 feet in the air for us.

- Yes, I did.
Both: Muah!

[Tired exhale]
- All right, guys,

that's one rope down,
seven courses to go.

- Hey.
- Don't touch me.

- No.

- [Gravelly and shrill]
My dear murder,

soon we will walk once more
walk amongst the humans.

But until that day comes,
we must remember,

the crows don't just have
eyes...

we also have wings!

Caaaaw! Awk! Caw! Caw!

- Cut! Cut.
[Buzzer sounds]

- Let me guess,
he didn't like the rewrites,

- I don't know why,

or really, even how,

but something about this
actually works.

- Oh. All right then, then um...

might I ask why did we
interrupt that take?

- Right,
so at this point Moira,

I'm gonna have a bunch
of digital birds

sort of circling around you,

so if you can just be aware
of them.

- Yes. Aye, Captain.
Note taken.

- Let's pick it up from there.

- In terms of my eyeline,

how many birds am I clocking?

And of them,
how many are mutants?

Okay, winging it.

- Action!

- [Gravelly and shrill]
Listen to me... aaawk!

The day will come when we
are no longer social outcasts!

I am but a tailfeather away
from finding the cure.

So please...

quiet your caws

so that we may take up
our cause:

redemption!

Redemption!

Awk! Awk! Ahaaa!