All language subtitles for Happy Together s01e02 Scrubbing.eng

(wolves howling)

Oh, my God. I can't watch this.

Just tell me what's going on.

(door creaking)

- Jake!
- Screw you, H&R Block!

Babe, you are falling asleep again.

Why don't we just go upstairs?

No. No way. Claire... (sighs)

...we are living with a
world-famous pop star.

We cannot let him see us
go to sleep at... 9:25.

Well, it can't be worse than the time

that he saw us high-five
over a coupon.

Okay, uh, we clearly have
no choice here but...

to get super into cocaine.

This, coming from the guy
who legitimately thought

he was becoming a chocoholic?

You have no idea what I
almost did for a Snickers.

You know what?

This is our house, all right?

We get to decide when
it's time to go to bed.

- And it's time to go to bed right now.
- Thank you.

I'm sick of this, man,
tiptoeing around here.

We going to sleep, all right?

- Hi guys.
- Oh, hey, hey, what you doing

turning off the lights, girl?
We're staying up all night.

What's wrong with you?

What's up, man?

Not much. My stuff's getting
delivered to the house tomorrow,

so I thought I'd head to bed early.

Oh. God. Thank God.

- (laughs)
- (whoops)

Okay, we are also going to bed,

but we didn't want to say
anything, 'cause we were

- afraid you'd think we're losers.
- Yeah.

No way. Bed is awesome.

In fact, we should all
head up there together.

Well... (laughs) No, no.

No. We...

No. Right? No.

Ah, uh, Coops, we're very flattered,

and we wish we could say
that was the first time

someone asked us to sleep with them...

- Yeah, we misread a Craigslist ad.
- Yeah.

But, as handsome

as we both find you,
that's just not on the table.

(laughs) Not gonna share my Claire.

Are we talking
about Bed, the nightclub?

- Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No.

Okay. Well, have a great sleep, guys.

Hey, just because
we're going to bed doesn't mean

we're going to sleep.

We about to do it. (chuckles)

(both mouthing)

Going right to sleep. (laughs)

Come on, honey. Come on, come on.

(vocalizing)

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Claire-bear, check it out.

I got a dolly to help us
move Cooper's stuff.

- Oh, great.
- (door closes)

Ooh, you think he's gonna have one

of those super fancy giant TVs?

Like, a 200-inch IMAX one with GPS,

all-wheel drive and cup holders?

You don't know much about TVs, do you?

I do not.

- (doorbell rings)
- Uh-oh.

- Oh. Hey.
- Ah.

Ooh. Hi.

Hi. I have a delivery for a Mr. James?

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, awesome.

Uh, electronics
can go over here, right?

Uh, clothes can go upstairs,

and, uh, any exotic animals
can just chill in the backyard.

I put out bowls of water.

Have a nice day.

But wait. Isn't there more?

Nope.

Huh.

- Okay.
- Oh, here we go.

That'll do it.

Hey, that works, too.

- (knocking)
- Coop 'a noodles, what's up?

- Hey.
- Got your stuff.

Aw, sick.

Yeah. Uh, is this one box
seriously everything you own?

Yeah, man, what happened
to all your other stuff?

You know, your Grammys,
your Rolling Stone articles,

that wax sculpture that made
you look like Angela Lansbury?

Yeah, I got rid of all that.

Now the only things I take
with me are my guitar and this.

(sniffles) It's the last photo I took

with my family
before I moved out of home.

- Oh, what a cutie.
- (chuckles)

Wow. I've never seen a
ten-year-old with a six pack.

And since I've moved around
so much over the years,

it's always been easier
to be a minimalist.

So you just throw everything away?

Yeah, I, uh... I scrub it all.

Do you guys know
what I mean by "scrubbing"?

Who me? Yeah, dude, of course.

I love to scrub. (chuckles)

Scrub-a-dub-dub.

But, just so Claire
doesn't feel left out,

why don't you bounce
it her way, you know?

So, whenever I move in
to a new place...

- Later, old place.
- I get rid of all my old stuff.

- (high-pitched): To the curb, y'all.
- Yeah, it's best

just to let that stuff go, 'cause

I don't need things from...

BOTH: ...the past to
remind me of who I am.

And that, young lady,
is what scrubbing is.

You see, because me... me and Coops...

we get rid of everything,

because the past is
not what defines us.

CLAIRE: Jake, you are literally

surrounded by boxes of your old crap.

This? This isn't crap.

This is all the stuff from
my past that defines me.

I am so sorry, Cooper,
that you have been

living up here like this. I'm sure,

as a minimalist,
being around all this junk

is driving you nuts.

Nah, it's actually refreshing.

People are always
cleaning up after me,

but you guys don't even
feel society's pressure

- to clean up after yourselves.
- (Jake laughs)

Ouch.

You know, we will
have this place scrubbed

by the end of the day.

'Cause, I mean, we do
not need to keep copies

of all the letters that
you wrote to Scottie Pippen.

No, no, no, we need to keep those,

because he literally
wrote back to every one.

(laughs) Okay. "Dear"...

different font... "...Jake,

"Thanks for your letter
and/or drawing.

"Keep on trippin' for Pippen. Signed,

"Pat Lemieux,
attorney for Scottie Pippen.

"P.S.: this letter
does not reflect the views

of Scottie Pippen."

- Yeah.
- Come on, Jake, it's dangerous

for him to sleep up here like this.

Oh, nonsense.

My stuff is organized
and stacked meticulously.

Okay, obviously, I will get rid
of the bowling ball.

(creaking)

(coughs)

So, as I was saying,

I will have this place scrubbed
by the end of the day.

Hey, babe. How's the scrubbing going?

Oh, great.

I'm realizing all my stuff is awesome,

and I'm never
getting rid of any of it.

Come on, there's got to be stuff
in here that you don't need.

Okay, Cooper doesn't
keep his real Grammys,

and this is a fake Grammy that you won

for best karaoke
at your office Christmas Party.

(singsongy): Keeping it.

Well, you definitely don't need

this old plastic basketball.

Well, is it just an old
plastic basketball, Claire,

or is it two basket-bowls? (laughs)

Oh, my God, there's guacamole...

(gags) There's still
guacamole in this.

(gags)

Knock, knock.

(scoffs) Mom, you can't
say "knock knock"

when you're already in the house.

JAKE: Wow, uh,

you two are dressed
an awful lot alike.

Yeah, whenever I buy a
shirt for myself online,

I always click on the
men's version as well.

- Ah.
- GERALD: It's a great system for us,

'cause we have the same style.

Forever 51.

Come on.
You two, this is getting crazy.

You don't just dress alike.

You also split every meal and
you watch all the same shows.

And it is perfectly natural

for a couple to merge
together over time.

You know, just like... like
Daddy's chest and back hair.

It'll happen to you, too.
Before you know it,

Claire and Jake will cease to exist,

and in its place will be...

- ...Clake.
- Clake.

Yes! (laughs)

- Jinx.
- Jinx.

- Love you.
- Love you.

- Booga booga!
- Booga booga!

(both laughing)

(both sigh)

You know, it is horrifying

to see the two of them
combined into one person.

Uh, well, technically, that's me.

But I... I understand what you mean.

And don't worry.
We are a young, cool couple.

We are nowhere near unisex
shopping at Tommy Bahama.

So are you guys finally getting
rid of all your old junk?

Uh, well, it's actually just me.

I have trouble throwing things out.

Doesn't seem to be
a problem with Claire.

(both laughing)

What? What? What's funny?

What-what are we laughing at?

Claire holds on to plenty of stuff.

She just does it in plain sight.

No, I-I... I do not.

Oh, really?

Do you see that "art" on the wall?

Yeah, it's a... Claire told me
it was a Banksy print.

Yeah, if Banksy
secretly worked at Kinko's.

That's just a collage of all of her

old concert tickets.

Wait a minute.

Wait. Claire, you lied to me,

and you saw Incubus this many times?

And what's in here?

That's the, uh, china Claire said

we're saving for a special occasion.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. No.
Okay, Jake, Jake, stop, stop.

Stop. I-I...

I need you to trust me.

Aw, Claire-bear.

That's what the villain says.

Oh, look what we have here.

Old, ratty concert T-shirts, uh,

and some mix tapes.

We got... Oh, my gosh.

What in the Bride of Chucky is this?

It's Rebethany.

That is her terrifying childhood doll.

Ugh. Rebethany.

(in high-pitched voice):
No one can love Claire

like I love Claire.

- (growling)
- JAKE: Oh, God.

The funny thing is,
we never even bought it.

It just... showed up one day.

Face it... you both have
a bit of a hoarding problem.

Now, come on, honey.

We have to go to the bathroom.

Now, that is scarier than your doll.

All right, so here's the plan.

If we don't still use it, we lose it.

If we ain't playin', it ain't stayin'.

If it has no purpose, then we...

Uh, uh, we, uh...

We just put it in the throw pile.

We put it in the... Yeah. Okay.

So...

All right, well, this
is a definite throw.

Yoink. That is...

a definite keep, all right?

This is my rec jersey, all right?

What... Oh, you still wear that?

I use it as motivation

to get back to my original weight.

What original weight,

eight pounds, seven ounces?

It's form-fitting, Claire, all right?

Stop focusing on my sexy jersey
and focus on, uh,

scrubbing this creature
from my nightmares.

Hey, hey. I can't
get rid of Rebethany.

Both my parents always worked late,

and she was the only one who
would listen to music with me.

- ("London Bridge" playing eerily)
- Wherever you go,

I'll be there.

I'm starting to understand

why you guys had so many house fires.

Okay, well, what is this
giant elastic band for,

really big accounting documents?

Claire, if you must know,

this is my Elasta-blaster
Exercise Band.

Allow me to demonstrate.

I simply put this in the wedge
of the door, right,

close said door,

put it around said body,

and, oh, look at all that resistance.

Huh? Look at that.

See, back when I played college ball,

this is how I used to explode
through the lane.

I'd be like... (grunts)
And I'd be like...

(grunts)

(grunting)

And it's a great way to practice
being held back in a fight.

Be like, "What?
What you talkin' 'bout? No, no,

"no, no, no. Eliot,

"let me talk to him.
Let me talk to him, Eliot.

"I just want to talk to him.

"Huh? What?

I'm-a kill him. I'm gonna kill him."

(shouts)

Hey, what's up, Coops?

- Hey.
- When did you get here?

What are you guys doing?

Uh, we are trying
to scrub our old stuff,

but it's harder than we thought
to let go.

It can be tough.

Maybe the lyrics from my
latest single can help.

- Oh, we love that song.
- Mm.

You're probably just talking
about that first line, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I've always thought
that if you hold on to the past

too tight,
you'll never be ready to embrace

who you are in the future.

Well, you are the most
successful person we know.

And maybe we are holding
ourselves back

by hanging on to all these memories.

Yeah, I guess we could
get rid of some of this stuff.

If it helps, there's an old
Australian proverb that says

if you throw something away
and you're meant to have it,

it'll boomerang back to you.

That's funny. (grunts)
I have a Nerf Boomerang theory:

that everything
will end up on the roof.

Well, thanks, Cooper.

(chuckles) Does it work?

Totally. I once threw this shirt
out at a concert,

and, the very next night,
a beautiful woman came up

to my hotel room
and returned it to me.

She gave me my own shirt
right off her back.

That... Wait a minute.

(chuckles)

What did she wear in the hotel room?

Oh.

- She was topless.
- Yeah.

She had her b...

Yo.

Claire-bear!

(chuckles)

I'm back from Goodwill,

and we are officially scrubbed.

CLAIRE: How'd it go, babe?

Oh, it was fine,

though there was a weird moment

when Rebethany slid out of her box

and got wedged under my brake pedal.

I think this is gonna be good for us.

We can't let the past
define who we are.

It's time to embrace the future us.

(chuckles)

- Oh... my... God.
- Oh... my... God.

- Why are you wearing that?
- Why are you wearing that?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- I got it online.
- I got it online.

- Now we both paid for shipping.
- Now we both paid for shipping.

- Stop doing that.
- Stop doing that.

- Stop doing that!
- Stop doing that!

(both gasp)

- We're Clake.
- We're Clake.

- I'm going to change.
- I'm going to change.

- No, I'm going to change.
- No, I'm going to change.

- Okay, you go ahead.
- Okay, you go ahead.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

I know it's crazy, but it feels

like the moment we got rid
of all our old stuff,

we merged into the same person.

This is the best thing
that's ever happened to you.

Just give in to being Clake.

- But we don't want to be Clake.
- But we don't want to be Clake.

Please.

Thank you.

But we don't want to be Clake.

I'm really sorry, guys.

If I'd've known the lyrics to
"Shake Your Booty, Yeah, Yeah"

would've caused so much pain,
I never would've written them.

Trust me, guys,
it is so much better this way.

You always know what the other
person is talking about.

For instance, if I say
something vague, like...

"that actress with the hair,"

- Daddy says...
- Naomi Watts.

- Mm-hmm.
- And if I say

"the place with the chairs..."

Macaroni Grill.

Okay.

Well, you guys could just be
making this whole thing up.

Oh, really?

(clears throat)

What's that thing with the thing?

Slightly damaged golf umbrella.

- Can I help you?
- Yeah,

I, um... I made my friends
give all their stuff away,

and I feel like I ruined their lives.

Um, can I get it back?

Yeah, that sounds like
a you problem, Crocodile Dun...

Oh, my God.

- You're Cooper James.
- Hi.

(laughing): Oh, my God.

You're funny. (chuckles)

So, can I get it back?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I mean, obviously, I want to,

but I just have to ask
my manager first, so...

Tina, get your ass out here right now!

TINA: I'm on lunch.

Oh, Tina, stop studying.

You're never gonna graduate.

Just get out here!

(laughs)

She's so stupid.

Donna, what is your...

My good friend, Cooper James,
left his stuff here

and needs some help getting it back.

Is that cool?

Oh...

Oh, damn it, Tina!

This is why celebrities
never come in here.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Good news, guys.
I have your stuff back.

You remember my bodyguard.

Ha-ha! Nightmare.

(grunts)

(laughs)

Same old Nightmare.

God, our treasures.

(chuckles)

The boomerang theory is real.

Sorry we made fun of you about it.

You guys didn't make fun of me.

- Oh. (chuckles)
- We did.

Ah. Rebethany!

Aw, how did someone
not immediately buy you?

'Cause I don't think
Satan shops at Goodwill.

My Grammy. Ha!

Uh, uh, this is so unexpected. Um...

Oh, wow, I'm shaking.

Uh, thank you, uh, the...
to the academy. Uh, I want

to thank Cooper for
bringing this back.

Uh... (stammers) They're
gonna play the music soon.

Um, uh, support music education!

(laughs): Stupid.

You know, this is weird.
Now that I'm looking at this,

I'm realizing I haven't been
to a concert in years.

Really?

Well, not since the "flashing
of the band" incident.

Never taking my mom
to see Andrea Bocelli again.

Isn't he blind?

He is now.

And I haven't played in
my rec league since, uh...

(sniffs, gags)

...2010.

Why'd you stop doing those things?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess I-I like spending
my nights with Jake.

And he hates live music.

But why'd you quit basketball?

You know, well, all the games
were on Sunday mornings,

and that's when Claire and I
go to the farmers' market

and buy a bunch of produce
that we throw out on Thursdays.

Jake, I don't want
to be the girl who stops you

from playing basketball.

Well, I don't want to be
the guy that stops you

from going to concerts.

We're not becoming Clake because
we scrubbed our old selves...

it's because we've stopped
being our old selves.

Wait, so I didn't screw you guys up?

No way, man.

Turns out, uh, we were
already screwed up.

(chuckles)

We just have to schedule
some time for you

to go out there and be Claire.

Yeah. And for you
to be Jake. (chuckles)

- Thanks, babe.
- Thanks, babe.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- That... that was crazy.
- That was crazy.

(both chuckle)

- Booga booga!
- Booga booga!

- Ah!
- (laughs)

So, uh, do you think
the ladies at Goodwill

will let you bring this stuff back?

Yeah, I really don't think
I can go back there.

Bye-bye, basket-bowls.

- Whoa! Whoa.
- Whoa!

Those went up quick.

Okay, well...

(clicks tongue)

Farewell, Rebethany. (chuckles)

You only had one eye,
but you saw me with two.

I'm proud of you guys.

You're way too young
and cool to be living

like Bonnie and Gerald.

Which is why, tomorrow night,

I am going to a concert
with my girlfriends.

- Ah.
- Yeah, and I'm gonna

play basketball with my old crew.

Although it's been
so long, I don't know

if I can still talk smack.

Man, your hair looks stupid!

- (chuckles) Yep, still got it.
- (chuckles)

(laughs)

Hey, are you guys seeing this?

CLAIRE: Oh, my God.

She's not burning.

(cackling)

- Aah!
- Aah!

"Make me a grandchild,
and I'll spare your soul..."

(chuckling)

Uh, but seriously, it's-it's weird

that she's not burning, right?

- Yeah, we should probably go inside.
- Yeah.

Good riddance. (spits)

(screams)

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