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1
00:00:03,626 --> 00:00:05,527
Guys, this is the best
laundry party I've ever thrown.
2
00:00:05,595 --> 00:00:07,061
You can't just stick
the word "party" on anything
3
00:00:07,129 --> 00:00:08,296
and make it fun.
4
00:00:08,364 --> 00:00:09,364
You're just
mad because you missed
5
00:00:09,431 --> 00:00:11,566
Brad's gum surgery party.
6
00:00:13,102 --> 00:00:14,502
Well, save the date,
because next week...
7
00:00:14,569 --> 00:00:16,604
I'm having
an asymmetrical mole removed.
8
00:00:16,671 --> 00:00:18,205
The theme will either be
"dressed to the benigns"
9
00:00:18,272 --> 00:00:20,440
or "it's time to get
my affairs in order."
10
00:00:22,243 --> 00:00:23,343
Ooh!
That's a lot of laundry, buddy.
11
00:00:23,411 --> 00:00:25,880
- Actually, this is all candy.
- Oh.
12
00:00:25,947 --> 00:00:27,414
Yeah. I trick-or-treated
my way over here.
13
00:00:27,482 --> 00:00:28,916
It's not even close
to Halloween.
14
00:00:28,984 --> 00:00:30,484
Yeah, but it turns out
if you ring someone's doorbell
15
00:00:30,551 --> 00:00:31,718
and then scream in their face
"trick or treat?"
16
00:00:31,785 --> 00:00:33,152
as loud as you can,
17
00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:34,721
they'll just give you
whatever they have on them.
18
00:00:34,788 --> 00:00:37,223
This one guy-- he gave me
all his laundry.
19
00:00:37,290 --> 00:00:38,892
- Hmm?
- And the cool is that it's all XXL,
20
00:00:38,959 --> 00:00:40,760
so I have room to grow into it.
21
00:00:40,828 --> 00:00:43,029
You're a terrifying individual.
22
00:00:43,096 --> 00:00:44,664
Oh, hey, Dave, you wanna
throw your shirts in with mine?
23
00:00:44,732 --> 00:00:46,965
Oh, no, no, no. These-- these
require special attention.
24
00:00:47,033 --> 00:00:49,467
In fact, sometimes I throw them
on wet and run-dry them
25
00:00:49,536 --> 00:00:51,036
so they keep their shape.
26
00:00:51,103 --> 00:00:53,304
But then I get all sweaty,
and it's like, here we go again!
27
00:00:53,372 --> 00:00:54,873
Would not change a thing
about what you're doing.
28
00:00:54,941 --> 00:00:56,875
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
29
00:00:56,943 --> 00:00:58,143
There's a groupon
at the aquarium
30
00:00:58,210 --> 00:00:59,611
to swim with the dolphins.
31
00:00:59,679 --> 00:01:01,146
Mama likes dolphins.
32
00:01:01,213 --> 00:01:02,347
- Nope.
- Hey!
33
00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:03,748
Mama always does this.
34
00:01:03,815 --> 00:01:05,182
You see something you like,
you buy it,
35
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:06,483
and then
you lose interest immediately.
36
00:01:06,552 --> 00:01:07,985
You're too impulsive.
37
00:01:08,053 --> 00:01:09,921
I am not too impulsive.
38
00:01:09,988 --> 00:01:11,789
You bought us a time-share
in Tampa.
39
00:01:11,857 --> 00:01:14,725
The lady at the kiosk said
it's the Sacramento of the East.
40
00:01:14,793 --> 00:01:16,393
Now we gotta go to Tampa
every year.
41
00:01:16,461 --> 00:01:18,929
Tampa's not a place that you go.
It's a place that you end up.
42
00:01:18,996 --> 00:01:21,297
My bitch is the same way.
43
00:01:21,365 --> 00:01:24,901
- What? - Brad buys so much junk on QVC,
we could start our own show.
44
00:01:26,170 --> 00:01:27,571
But we won't.
45
00:01:27,638 --> 00:01:30,040
Whatever, Jane.
It's not junk, all right?
46
00:01:30,107 --> 00:01:32,508
For example, while you porkers
have been doing laundry,
47
00:01:32,577 --> 00:01:34,510
I've been sitting here,
getting a killer ab workout
48
00:01:34,578 --> 00:01:35,778
with my new...
49
00:01:35,845 --> 00:01:38,513
electro ab-belt.
50
00:01:38,582 --> 00:01:39,982
The electro-pulse stimulation...
51
00:01:40,050 --> 00:01:41,617
Uhh! Tones and shapes your...
52
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:42,751
...abs!
53
00:01:42,819 --> 00:01:43,986
Huh?
54
00:01:44,054 --> 00:01:45,287
For improved muscle defi...
55
00:01:45,354 --> 00:01:48,057
...nition!
56
00:01:49,492 --> 00:01:51,125
Anyway...
57
00:01:51,193 --> 00:01:54,495
I predict that Alex buys
the groupon and never uses it.
58
00:01:54,563 --> 00:01:55,997
I am absolutely gonna use it.
59
00:01:56,065 --> 00:01:58,365
Okay, how many unredeemed
groupons do you have currently?
60
00:01:58,433 --> 00:02:00,034
What?
61
00:02:00,102 --> 00:02:01,502
Mm?
62
00:02:01,570 --> 00:02:02,670
- How many?
- 11.
63
00:02:02,738 --> 00:02:04,105
11. Okay.
64
00:02:04,172 --> 00:02:05,573
Well, I think it's time
that you learned a lesson.
65
00:02:05,641 --> 00:02:07,808
Tell you what. If you use
all your groupons in one week,
66
00:02:07,875 --> 00:02:10,210
I'll buy you that
dolphin groupon and...
67
00:02:10,277 --> 00:02:11,411
I'll do it with ya.
68
00:02:11,479 --> 00:02:13,279
You're on, ping-pong.
69
00:02:13,347 --> 00:02:15,782
- Mm. Okay.
- Well good luck, Alex.
70
00:02:15,850 --> 00:02:17,250
I'm rooting for you.
71
00:02:17,318 --> 00:02:18,652
Okay? You all right?
72
00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,120
What I meant to say is,
I'm in your...
73
00:02:20,187 --> 00:02:21,488
...corner!
74
00:02:21,555 --> 00:02:22,922
Ow! Oh, God!
75
00:02:22,990 --> 00:02:24,490
It's just--
it's not even pulsing anymore.
76
00:02:24,557 --> 00:02:25,691
Ow!
77
00:02:25,759 --> 00:02:27,359
- Get that off of him.
- It's just constant.
78
00:02:27,427 --> 00:02:28,527
I don't-- ow!
79
00:02:28,595 --> 00:02:30,395
- So painful!
- It shocked me!
80
00:02:30,463 --> 00:02:31,998
- Take it off! - All right.
I'm trying. I don't know where the--
81
00:02:32,065 --> 00:02:33,966
Ohh.
82
00:02:34,034 --> 00:02:35,234
- I need to sit on a trash bag. - We need
a trash bag. We just-- it happened.
83
00:02:35,301 --> 00:02:36,368
- No!
- It's happens. It just happens.
84
00:02:36,436 --> 00:02:37,603
It's okay. It's okay.
85
00:02:39,029 --> 00:02:43,508
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
86
00:02:47,813 --> 00:02:50,581
Last time I was there,
I think I left a suede jacket.
87
00:02:50,649 --> 00:02:53,151
I'd love to get that back,
with or without the cat.
88
00:02:53,219 --> 00:02:56,386
Oh, PS. There's a live cat
living in that jacket.
89
00:02:56,454 --> 00:02:57,788
Oh, my God.
90
00:02:57,856 --> 00:02:59,223
I see the guy
whose life I ruined,
91
00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:01,524
who in turn vowed to ruin mine.
92
00:03:01,592 --> 00:03:03,060
If you find my coat cat, he
answers to the name "coat cat."
93
00:03:03,128 --> 00:03:04,161
Gotta go. Bye!
94
00:03:04,229 --> 00:03:05,963
Hey, Chase.
95
00:03:06,030 --> 00:03:08,498
Buddy, old pal.
You know what's cool?
96
00:03:08,566 --> 00:03:09,867
The last time
we saw each other,
97
00:03:09,934 --> 00:03:12,735
we left things
on the best terms possible.
98
00:03:12,803 --> 00:03:14,503
I've been looking for you, Max.
99
00:03:14,571 --> 00:03:15,638
To tell me that
you're back at work
100
00:03:15,705 --> 00:03:17,039
and that you're back
with your wife?
101
00:03:17,107 --> 00:03:18,975
Nope. Thanks to you,
I'm still unemployed,
102
00:03:19,042 --> 00:03:21,244
and my ex-wife's engaged
to my brother.
103
00:03:21,311 --> 00:03:22,711
I'd kill myself,
104
00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:24,647
but guess who has to give
a toast at their wedding?
105
00:03:24,714 --> 00:03:27,916
Ooh, boy. That is
rough'em stuff'em robots, pal.
106
00:03:27,984 --> 00:03:29,584
I've been following you
for weeks,
107
00:03:29,652 --> 00:03:31,552
trying to craft a plan
to ruin your life.
108
00:03:31,620 --> 00:03:33,521
Funny thing is,
your life is so pathetic
109
00:03:33,589 --> 00:03:34,956
I doubt I can
make it any worse.
110
00:03:35,024 --> 00:03:37,192
It's un-sabotagable.
111
00:03:37,260 --> 00:03:40,028
Hey. Come on.
I got a lot of stuff going on.
112
00:03:40,096 --> 00:03:42,797
I, uh, recently bought
a ladle...
113
00:03:42,864 --> 00:03:44,165
for soups.
114
00:03:44,232 --> 00:03:47,001
I, uh, I read half an article
on fish oil.
115
00:03:47,068 --> 00:03:49,536
And, uh, I just learned
how to do the heimlich.
116
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,840
Can even do it on myself, so now
chewing food is my prerogative.
117
00:03:52,908 --> 00:03:54,608
Your life sucks.
118
00:03:54,676 --> 00:03:56,410
You have no job, no love life.
119
00:03:56,477 --> 00:03:57,845
Your apartment is disgusting.
120
00:03:57,913 --> 00:03:59,279
I considered releasing
rats in there,
121
00:03:59,346 --> 00:04:01,414
but you already had rats
in there way bigger than mine.
122
00:04:01,481 --> 00:04:02,816
Don't beat yourself up, pal.
123
00:04:02,883 --> 00:04:04,583
We're all just raising our rats
the best we can.
124
00:04:04,651 --> 00:04:07,020
What I'm trying to say is,
I'm not gonna ruin your life
125
00:04:07,087 --> 00:04:08,387
because it's impossible to ruin
126
00:04:08,455 --> 00:04:10,523
something that's already
terrible.
127
00:04:10,590 --> 00:04:13,059
It'd be like adding more moms
to Facebook.
128
00:04:15,128 --> 00:04:18,563
Penny, aren't you sick of paying
a professional ear cleaner
129
00:04:18,631 --> 00:04:20,199
to come to your house
130
00:04:20,266 --> 00:04:22,734
and painfully remove
your unwanted canal wax?
131
00:04:22,802 --> 00:04:23,802
Look, Brad, I know
Jane's making you sell
132
00:04:23,870 --> 00:04:25,070
all your little gadgets, but--
133
00:04:25,138 --> 00:04:26,338
Well, now you don't have to...
134
00:04:26,405 --> 00:04:28,473
with the revolutionary ear genie.
135
00:04:28,541 --> 00:04:29,774
Try it out.
136
00:04:29,843 --> 00:04:30,908
No!
137
00:04:30,976 --> 00:04:32,243
What?
138
00:04:32,311 --> 00:04:34,212
No, I do not wanna buy
your used ear cleaner.
139
00:04:34,279 --> 00:04:35,679
Totally understand.
I get it.
140
00:04:35,747 --> 00:04:36,948
Let's talk shoes.
141
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,283
How are you heating yours?
142
00:04:39,351 --> 00:04:40,751
I have a problem!
I need help!
143
00:04:40,819 --> 00:04:42,253
- I have a problem and I need help.
- No! Me!
144
00:04:42,321 --> 00:04:44,088
Okay, okay.
Alex first. Alex first.
145
00:04:44,156 --> 00:04:45,823
Yeah. Okay. Thank you.
146
00:04:45,891 --> 00:04:47,790
So you know how Dave challenged
me to do all these groupons?
147
00:04:47,859 --> 00:04:49,359
I-I keep getting distracted.
148
00:04:49,426 --> 00:04:51,627
I didn't even make it to
my pottery class this morning.
149
00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:01,004
Ohh! It was
a total puppy pile-on.
150
00:05:01,072 --> 00:05:02,638
So you never used
your pottery groupon?
151
00:05:02,706 --> 00:05:04,639
- Which means you still have 11.
- 12.
152
00:05:04,707 --> 00:05:06,842
The puppy store lady said
that there was a groupon
153
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:08,878
for eyelash extensions.
I need those!
154
00:05:08,945 --> 00:05:11,480
I have my dad's
stubby eyelashes.
155
00:05:11,547 --> 00:05:13,249
You guys have to do
these groupons with me,
156
00:05:13,316 --> 00:05:14,750
keep me on track.
157
00:05:14,817 --> 00:05:17,086
Well, as the author of
several dozen cries for help,
158
00:05:17,153 --> 00:05:19,087
I know a good one
when I hear one.
159
00:05:19,154 --> 00:05:20,554
But we have to be fair.
160
00:05:20,622 --> 00:05:22,223
In the interest of conducting
a civil discourse,
161
00:05:22,291 --> 00:05:24,458
the fat slob from Illinois
has the floor.
162
00:05:24,526 --> 00:05:27,028
Thank you. Now you guys remember
Chase, right?
163
00:05:27,096 --> 00:05:29,430
Yes. Super cool guy,
vowed to ruin your life.
164
00:05:29,498 --> 00:05:31,966
That's the one. Well, he said
that my life is so pathetic
165
00:05:32,034 --> 00:05:33,935
that it is un-sabotagable.
166
00:05:34,003 --> 00:05:36,303
So I need to improve my life
to prove him wrong.
167
00:05:36,371 --> 00:05:38,138
Hmm.
168
00:05:38,206 --> 00:05:40,340
- Huh.
- Hmm.
169
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,142
Well, Max...
170
00:05:42,210 --> 00:05:43,643
you know we love a challenge.
171
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,112
But that's not
so much a challenge
172
00:05:45,179 --> 00:05:47,781
as it is a suicide mission.
So we're gonna go with Alex!
173
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,016
Yes!
174
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,217
Sorry, brah.
You're on your ahn.
175
00:05:50,285 --> 00:05:51,483
You ain't Private Ryan,
176
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,986
and I ain't shaking hands
with Tom Hanks.
177
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,487
Max, there's only one person
178
00:05:55,555 --> 00:05:58,291
who's really
up to this challenge.
179
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,559
I've waited ten years
for you to come to me.
180
00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:02,861
Mm!
181
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,365
How did you get a picture
of me in my underwear?
182
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,867
Well, you're-- you're always
in your underwear.
183
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,436
In fact, it's hard to find
a picture of you
184
00:06:11,503 --> 00:06:13,939
when you're clothed.
185
00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:17,108
I do not envy the task
you are about to embark on.
186
00:06:24,608 --> 00:06:26,008
What are
all those red arrows for?
187
00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:27,710
Oh, those are all the areas
that need improvements.
188
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,345
But those are all of them.
189
00:06:29,413 --> 00:06:30,680
Yeah. You got lots
of bad areas.
190
00:06:30,748 --> 00:06:32,749
You're like the Oakland
of gay guys.
191
00:06:32,816 --> 00:06:35,049
Okay. Well, where do we start?
192
00:06:35,117 --> 00:06:36,651
Small stuff--
haircut, shower,
193
00:06:36,719 --> 00:06:39,320
stop asking waiters if
your food could be "lasagna'd."
194
00:06:39,389 --> 00:06:42,190
Jane, I'm in
your undiagnosed OCD hands.
195
00:06:42,258 --> 00:06:43,925
- Ahh.
- Let's do this.
196
00:06:43,993 --> 00:06:45,994
how can it be permissible?
197
00:06:50,599 --> 00:06:54,101
she compromise my principle
198
00:06:54,168 --> 00:06:55,235
yeah, yeah
199
00:06:55,303 --> 00:06:58,138
Yeah. Yeah.
200
00:06:58,206 --> 00:07:00,073
That kind of love
is mythical
201
00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:07,380
she's a craze you'd endorse,
she's a powerful force
202
00:07:07,448 --> 00:07:10,850
you're obliged to conform
when there's no other course
203
00:07:10,918 --> 00:07:12,952
she used to look good to me
204
00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:14,020
but now I find her
205
00:07:16,891 --> 00:07:17,857
Simply irresistible
206
00:07:17,925 --> 00:07:19,225
she's all mine
207
00:07:19,293 --> 00:07:23,161
there's no other way to go
208
00:07:23,229 --> 00:07:25,731
simply irresistible
209
00:07:25,799 --> 00:07:27,833
Well, well, well...
210
00:07:27,901 --> 00:07:29,668
if it isn't doubting Dave.
211
00:07:29,736 --> 00:07:31,870
Might have to start calling you
"doubting dolphin Dave."
212
00:07:33,807 --> 00:07:36,642
Feeling pretty good 'cause you
knocked out a few groupons, huh?
213
00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:38,709
Not just a few. Many few.
214
00:07:38,777 --> 00:07:40,377
We got
these cool hooded scarves...
215
00:07:40,446 --> 00:07:42,346
and we got
our teeth whitened... twice.
216
00:07:42,414 --> 00:07:44,749
Whitened up them teeth!
217
00:07:44,817 --> 00:07:47,184
And we took this
gorgeous portrait. Show him.
218
00:07:47,252 --> 00:07:49,353
Got it. Isn't it beautiful?
219
00:07:49,421 --> 00:07:51,288
It's like a portrait
of two lipstick lesbians
220
00:07:51,356 --> 00:07:53,657
who adopted
a lost boy of Sudan.
221
00:07:53,724 --> 00:07:55,492
Yeah, it's just been good times.
222
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:56,860
Oh! You guys, up next...
223
00:07:56,928 --> 00:07:58,662
tequila shots!
224
00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:01,064
50% off...
with this guy.
225
00:08:01,131 --> 00:08:02,198
Si, se?or.
226
00:08:02,266 --> 00:08:04,300
Ooh! Yay!
227
00:08:04,368 --> 00:08:05,902
I hate tequila.
228
00:08:05,970 --> 00:08:08,037
These groupons are
the worst thing ever.
229
00:08:08,105 --> 00:08:09,839
No, the worst thing ever
is that at this rate,
230
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,908
Alex is gonna finish
these groupons by tomorrow.
231
00:08:12,976 --> 00:08:14,543
You know what we need to do?
232
00:08:14,611 --> 00:08:17,012
We need to sabotage her
so she can't finish.
233
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:18,313
Why would I do that?
234
00:08:18,381 --> 00:08:19,815
Because, Pen,
if Alex wins this,
235
00:08:19,883 --> 00:08:21,216
she's gonna be dragging you
to groupons
236
00:08:21,284 --> 00:08:22,952
for the rest of your life.
237
00:08:23,019 --> 00:08:25,120
You wanna be 50 years old
and single
238
00:08:25,188 --> 00:08:27,288
and doing half-priced
trapeze lessons?
239
00:08:27,356 --> 00:08:30,091
I resent you making me single
in this hypothetical.
240
00:08:30,158 --> 00:08:31,726
See, you could've at least
given me the dignity
241
00:08:31,794 --> 00:08:33,361
of having been widowed.
242
00:08:33,428 --> 00:08:34,629
Okay! Down the hatch.
243
00:08:34,697 --> 00:08:36,464
Our brow-shaping groupon
is in 10.
244
00:08:36,532 --> 00:08:37,966
They shoot a laser
right between your eyeballs!
245
00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,801
Here.
Ready, Pen?!
246
00:08:39,869 --> 00:08:40,835
- Yes!
- Whoo!
247
00:08:40,903 --> 00:08:41,902
Whoo!
248
00:08:43,137 --> 00:08:44,437
- Mm!
- Ugh!
249
00:08:44,506 --> 00:08:46,072
Let's take that bitch down.
250
00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:47,173
Yeah.
251
00:08:52,747 --> 00:08:53,947
Jane!
252
00:08:54,015 --> 00:08:55,816
Check out this machine.
It's amazing.
253
00:08:55,884 --> 00:08:57,450
It sucks the garbage
off the ground,
254
00:08:57,518 --> 00:08:58,784
so now I don't have to throw it
out on the street
255
00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:01,453
through a hole in my pocket,
Andy Dufresne style.
256
00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:03,689
Max, you look great.
257
00:09:03,757 --> 00:09:04,957
I mean, really great.
258
00:09:05,025 --> 00:09:06,458
I feel great.
259
00:09:06,527 --> 00:09:07,693
This morning,
I flossed my mouth,
260
00:09:07,761 --> 00:09:09,128
and my gums only bled a lot,
261
00:09:09,195 --> 00:09:11,330
as opposed to
an alarming amount.
262
00:09:11,398 --> 00:09:13,232
And you had that interview today
at that grocery store?
263
00:09:13,299 --> 00:09:14,699
How did that go?
264
00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:16,668
I nailed I it.
265
00:09:16,736 --> 00:09:18,537
This supermarket is the worst.
266
00:09:18,604 --> 00:09:19,838
Here's what you gotta do.
267
00:09:19,906 --> 00:09:21,172
You gotta move
the sugar cereals
268
00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,041
from the bottom shelf
to the top shelf,
269
00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:24,475
'cause people like me
270
00:09:24,544 --> 00:09:26,778
don't and/or can't
bend over to pick it up.
271
00:09:26,846 --> 00:09:29,213
I thought you were here
for the bagger position?
272
00:09:29,281 --> 00:09:31,481
I said, any questions?!
Chop-chop!
273
00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:33,250
I thought you said
you nailed it.
274
00:09:33,317 --> 00:09:35,519
I did nail it, Jane.
In fact...
275
00:09:35,587 --> 00:09:37,721
they're making me...
276
00:09:37,789 --> 00:09:39,723
assistant manager.
277
00:09:39,791 --> 00:09:41,124
No way.
278
00:09:41,192 --> 00:09:42,426
Curds and whey.
279
00:09:42,493 --> 00:09:44,227
Guy said he liked my real talk
and fresh takes.
280
00:09:44,295 --> 00:09:47,630
Wow. My plan is working
much faster than I thought.
281
00:09:47,698 --> 00:09:50,967
Come to think of it...
282
00:09:51,035 --> 00:09:52,835
maybe a little too fast?
283
00:09:52,903 --> 00:09:54,871
I mean, I'm weirdly happy.
My nipples stopped burning.
284
00:09:54,939 --> 00:09:56,573
No one likes my real talk
and fresh takes.
285
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,108
Once, a guy liked
my real fresh take on talks,
286
00:09:59,176 --> 00:10:00,944
and that guy was me,
and I was lying.
287
00:10:01,011 --> 00:10:02,343
What is your point?
288
00:10:02,411 --> 00:10:03,511
There's no way my life could've
289
00:10:03,580 --> 00:10:04,646
turned around this quickly
on my own.
290
00:10:04,714 --> 00:10:06,381
The only logical explanation
291
00:10:06,449 --> 00:10:09,217
is that Chase is
secretly trying to improve it,
292
00:10:09,285 --> 00:10:12,454
building me up
only to knock me down.
293
00:10:12,521 --> 00:10:13,956
That is crazy.
294
00:10:14,023 --> 00:10:16,925
Just relax
and enjoy your progress.
295
00:10:16,993 --> 00:10:19,660
Enjoy the progress, huh?
296
00:10:19,728 --> 00:10:22,197
That's exactly what
Chase would say!
297
00:10:22,264 --> 00:10:23,965
- What?! Ah!
- Show yourself, you beautiful genius!
298
00:10:24,032 --> 00:10:25,400
- Max!
- I'll tear this face off!
299
00:10:25,468 --> 00:10:26,601
All righty.
300
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,170
Max, I'm not Chase!
301
00:10:29,238 --> 00:10:31,439
My bad, Jane.
302
00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:33,608
- Full disclosh, though?
- Yeah?
303
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,675
Not the first time
I thought you were a dude.
304
00:10:35,743 --> 00:10:38,178
Aw. Thank you.
305
00:10:39,614 --> 00:10:41,415
- Oh!
- Okay.
306
00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:42,682
Today is the last day
307
00:10:42,750 --> 00:10:44,151
that Alex's dolphin groupon
is available.
308
00:10:44,219 --> 00:10:47,287
All we have to do is make sure
she doesn't finish the others.
309
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,990
- Exactly. - So you, Alex, and Brad are
supposed to go to dinner tonight
310
00:10:50,057 --> 00:10:51,424
at that new barbecue joint,
311
00:10:51,492 --> 00:10:53,226
except you're not
because you and I are gonna--
312
00:10:53,293 --> 00:10:54,960
Throw the phones
through the window,
313
00:10:55,028 --> 00:10:57,997
covering their pulled pork with
shattered glass and phones.
314
00:10:58,064 --> 00:11:00,566
What? No. No, we're gonna call
and make so many reservations
315
00:11:00,634 --> 00:11:02,401
that you guys can't get in.
316
00:11:02,469 --> 00:11:04,069
But you are overlooking
one very obvious detail--
317
00:11:04,138 --> 00:11:06,304
the restaurant is gonna
recognize our number.
318
00:11:06,372 --> 00:11:08,940
That's why I got
all these burners, baby.
319
00:11:09,008 --> 00:11:12,577
To throw at the reservation guy
to distract him. Yes!
320
00:11:12,645 --> 00:11:14,979
- No! No! You fool, no!
- Oh.
321
00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:18,916
We call from 40 different phones
using 40 different personas.
322
00:11:18,984 --> 00:11:20,552
Here are yours.
323
00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:22,319
Uh, Southern lawyer?
324
00:11:22,387 --> 00:11:23,220
"I do declare."
325
00:11:23,321 --> 00:11:24,522
Nantucket housewife.
326
00:11:24,589 --> 00:11:25,822
"Uh, white wine spritzer,
please?"
327
00:11:25,890 --> 00:11:27,958
Julian Assange?
Is that the Wikileaks guy?
328
00:11:28,026 --> 00:11:29,926
- I can't do him.
- You want me to do him?
329
00:11:29,994 --> 00:11:33,130
Whatever. Just honor the spirit
of the characters.
330
00:11:33,198 --> 00:11:34,998
But don't forget
to have fun out there, okay?
331
00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:37,668
- Now your first character is Alex.
- Mm.
332
00:11:37,735 --> 00:11:39,536
Call the restaurant as her
and cancel the reservation.
333
00:11:39,603 --> 00:11:40,970
Okay.
334
00:11:41,038 --> 00:11:42,372
Oh, I don't know
if I can do this.
335
00:11:42,439 --> 00:11:43,673
You got this.
You got this. You got this.
336
00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:45,475
Hey, I'm Alex Kerkovich.
337
00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:47,243
I'm short and I love ribs.
338
00:11:47,311 --> 00:11:49,579
Do you know anything about Alex
or how reservations work?
339
00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:51,113
This is what she sounds like!
340
00:11:51,182 --> 00:11:53,183
I need to cancel a reservation.
341
00:11:53,250 --> 00:11:55,484
Uh... fantastic. Thank you.
342
00:11:55,552 --> 00:11:56,652
We're screwed.
343
00:11:56,719 --> 00:11:58,420
She has been there already
344
00:11:58,488 --> 00:12:01,223
and used all three
ribs groupons herself.
345
00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:03,725
God, we should've known.
Breakfast ribs are her favorite.
346
00:12:03,793 --> 00:12:05,160
Damn, damn, damn!
347
00:12:05,228 --> 00:12:08,163
Wait. Why do you care so much?
I... it's just a bet.
348
00:12:08,231 --> 00:12:10,098
Because I care about Alex,
349
00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:11,399
and I'm trying
to help her grow up
350
00:12:11,466 --> 00:12:13,467
and be more responsible
with her money.
351
00:12:13,535 --> 00:12:15,069
What's the real reason?
352
00:12:15,136 --> 00:12:17,672
I have a paralyzing fear
of dolphins--
353
00:12:17,739 --> 00:12:19,807
as in, when I'm near them...
354
00:12:19,874 --> 00:12:21,342
I lose my poop.
355
00:12:21,410 --> 00:12:22,743
Now come on.
356
00:12:22,811 --> 00:12:24,044
There's only one groupon left,
357
00:12:24,112 --> 00:12:25,813
and it's
the military obstacle course
358
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,847
- at the Major Fitness Boot Camp.
- Okay.
359
00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,749
If she does this, I lose,
all right?
360
00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,718
- So we gotta stop her.
- Okay.
361
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,454
Why dolphins?
They seem so sweet.
362
00:12:34,522 --> 00:12:36,590
Let's just say they understand
a lot of things,
363
00:12:36,657 --> 00:12:38,692
but "no" isn't one of them.
364
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,862
Hey, Max.
365
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,797
- How's the new job?
- Great.
366
00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,299
Actually, too great.
367
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,301
This morning, I got approved
for a credit card,
368
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,636
my teeth stopped burning.
369
00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,204
There's no way Chase is not
behind all this.
370
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,072
Max, that is just normal stuff
371
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,375
that happens to pretty much
everyone every day.
372
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,743
Oh, my God. She's choking!
373
00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:59,143
Kevin!
374
00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:01,546
- I don't know what to do!
- Do I have to do everything?!
375
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,115
Okay, ready? Here we go.
Heimlich on three.
376
00:13:04,182 --> 00:13:05,316
One, two, three!
377
00:13:05,384 --> 00:13:07,818
- Oh!
- Oh! Oh!
378
00:13:07,886 --> 00:13:09,220
All right.
379
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,055
Wow.
380
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:12,757
- It's great!
- No, it's not.
381
00:13:12,824 --> 00:13:14,658
Chase knows that
I've been learning CPR.
382
00:13:14,726 --> 00:13:16,393
He is behind
everything that's happening.
383
00:13:16,461 --> 00:13:18,428
It's a coincidence.
384
00:13:18,496 --> 00:13:20,664
Thank you so much.
385
00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:22,932
I'm a reporter for WLS Chicago,
386
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,701
and you've gotta let me
do a story about you.
387
00:13:24,769 --> 00:13:26,035
You're a real hero.
388
00:13:28,406 --> 00:13:30,206
- Yeah, it's Chase.
- Yeah, it's Chase.
389
00:13:38,869 --> 00:13:40,303
Welcome to
the Major Fitness Boot Camp!
390
00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:42,138
We have a groupon to use
the military obstacle course.
391
00:13:42,206 --> 00:13:44,174
Yep. Can't wait.
Let's do this.
392
00:13:44,241 --> 00:13:45,508
- Sorry, it's closed!
- Oh.
393
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,611
The course is flooded.
It's super yucky, ma'am.
394
00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:51,080
Welp, I guess the only obstacle
left for us to overcome
395
00:13:51,148 --> 00:13:52,347
is disappointment.
396
00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,782
That's it?
397
00:13:53,850 --> 00:13:55,017
I lose?
398
00:13:55,084 --> 00:13:56,218
I'm sorry!
399
00:13:56,286 --> 00:13:57,986
Do you have to yell everything?
400
00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,587
I'm yelling on account
of my injury!
401
00:13:59,655 --> 00:14:01,924
Of course.
You lost your hearing in combat.
402
00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:03,692
Well, we appreciate
the sacrifice you've made
403
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,493
- to preserve our freedom.
- No!
404
00:14:05,561 --> 00:14:09,297
I busted my eardrums using
that ear genie ear wax remover
405
00:14:09,364 --> 00:14:10,631
you buy on TV!
406
00:14:10,699 --> 00:14:12,633
Stay away from them!
407
00:14:21,276 --> 00:14:23,344
Well, well, well.
408
00:14:23,411 --> 00:14:25,712
Penny told me you didn't finish
the obstacle course.
409
00:14:25,779 --> 00:14:26,980
So it looks like
410
00:14:27,048 --> 00:14:29,349
instead of swimming
in a tank with dolphins,
411
00:14:29,416 --> 00:14:30,884
I'll be soaking in our tub
412
00:14:30,952 --> 00:14:33,854
with a well-worn copy
of "The Time Traveler's Wife."
413
00:14:33,921 --> 00:14:35,856
Yeah, you won. I lost.
414
00:14:35,923 --> 00:14:37,891
You're right.
I make terrible decisions.
415
00:14:37,959 --> 00:14:39,892
I'm an impulsive idiot.
416
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,195
Oh, honey, come on.
I wouldn't say "idiot."
417
00:14:43,263 --> 00:14:44,596
Really? The cotton candy maker
I bought on the way home
418
00:14:44,664 --> 00:14:46,065
might disagree with you.
419
00:14:48,101 --> 00:14:50,669
It doesn't actually talk.
Those were, like, $200 more.
420
00:14:50,737 --> 00:14:53,138
Hey, listen.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
421
00:14:53,206 --> 00:14:54,874
I love cotton candy, too.
422
00:14:54,941 --> 00:14:56,440
Well, I am returning it,
423
00:14:56,508 --> 00:14:57,808
'cause it's time for me
to get my head out of the clouds
424
00:14:57,877 --> 00:15:00,211
and stop eating food
that looks like clouds.
425
00:15:00,279 --> 00:15:03,714
Cauliflower is healthy,
and it looks like clouds.
426
00:15:03,782 --> 00:15:05,583
Now I'm confused...
427
00:15:05,650 --> 00:15:06,885
and hungry.
428
00:15:06,952 --> 00:15:08,286
Would you care
429
00:15:08,354 --> 00:15:10,688
for some delicious,fluffy cotton candy?
430
00:15:10,756 --> 00:15:14,624
I lied. I did spend
the extra $200.
431
00:15:14,692 --> 00:15:17,160
And it was... $300.
432
00:15:18,764 --> 00:15:20,264
_
433
00:15:20,265 --> 00:15:22,732
Chase is doing
some dang old good work.
434
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,568
A tip of the ol' James hat
to him.
435
00:15:25,636 --> 00:15:27,137
But I am not gonna give him
the satisfaction
436
00:15:27,205 --> 00:15:28,438
of destroying my life.
437
00:15:28,506 --> 00:15:30,172
No, sir.
438
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,876
I'm gonna do that myself.
439
00:15:34,912 --> 00:15:36,579
You're sure you wanna do this?
440
00:15:36,647 --> 00:15:37,714
Yeah.
441
00:15:37,782 --> 00:15:39,616
Breaks my heart, but okay.
442
00:15:42,185 --> 00:15:44,753
You do have a full-time job,
right?
443
00:15:44,821 --> 00:15:47,122
Simply irresistible
444
00:15:48,958 --> 00:15:50,926
There we go. Get it.
445
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,728
Simply irresistible
446
00:15:52,796 --> 00:15:56,097
she's so fine, there's no
telling where the money went
447
00:15:58,435 --> 00:16:00,268
simply irresistible,
she's all mine
448
00:16:00,336 --> 00:16:04,739
there's no other way to go
449
00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:06,607
simply irresistible
450
00:16:10,479 --> 00:16:13,380
Well, you're pretty much right
back to where you started--
451
00:16:13,449 --> 00:16:15,049
human pastrami.
452
00:16:15,116 --> 00:16:16,317
It's not good enough, Jane.
453
00:16:16,384 --> 00:16:17,984
You gotta take me
to negative 5,
454
00:16:18,052 --> 00:16:19,920
make sure Chase stays away
for good.
455
00:16:19,987 --> 00:16:21,354
But there's nothing left
to destroy.
456
00:16:21,422 --> 00:16:23,457
I mean, all you really have
left is your health.
457
00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:25,592
Okay. Take it. Hit me.
458
00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:28,061
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
459
00:16:28,128 --> 00:16:30,229
Jane, you ankles are fat.
460
00:16:31,933 --> 00:16:34,700
Yeah. I'm not falling
for that.
461
00:16:34,768 --> 00:16:36,702
Jane, your bundt cake is
on the wrong side of moist.
462
00:16:36,770 --> 00:16:38,370
That is ridiculous.
463
00:16:38,438 --> 00:16:40,906
At times,
you're woefully unprepared.
464
00:16:40,974 --> 00:16:42,641
- Uhh!
- Ohh!
465
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:44,543
Oh!
466
00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:49,213
This is the first time I've ever
been attracted to a woman.
467
00:16:50,483 --> 00:16:51,749
I wanna put a baby in you.
468
00:16:53,586 --> 00:16:56,320
So what'd you guys do,
bring me here to gloat?
469
00:16:56,388 --> 00:16:58,623
Alex...
470
00:16:58,691 --> 00:17:00,324
I have a confession to make.
471
00:17:00,392 --> 00:17:02,994
Penny and I engaged in
the French art of sabotage.
472
00:17:04,829 --> 00:17:06,229
- We flooded the course
so you couldn't do it. - What?!
473
00:17:06,297 --> 00:17:07,664
I can't believe you guys.
474
00:17:07,732 --> 00:17:09,566
I didn't want a laser
shot at my eyes.
475
00:17:09,634 --> 00:17:11,802
I don't think that's
an unreasonable position.
476
00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:14,204
But then, Alex, I saw you
with that cotton candy machine,
477
00:17:14,271 --> 00:17:16,072
and I realized that I love
that you're impulsive
478
00:17:16,140 --> 00:17:17,941
and you do those kinds
of things.
479
00:17:18,009 --> 00:17:19,510
That's what makes you, you.
480
00:17:19,577 --> 00:17:21,644
Aw! Yeah, it is.
481
00:17:21,712 --> 00:17:23,379
It's great.
We really complement each other.
482
00:17:23,446 --> 00:17:24,780
I mean,
you're the impulsive one,
483
00:17:24,848 --> 00:17:26,782
and I'm the grounded one
that thinks things through.
484
00:17:26,850 --> 00:17:28,450
No. No. No, no, no, no.
485
00:17:28,519 --> 00:17:30,352
- You're not grounded in the least.
- No. No. No!
486
00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:31,954
- Super impulsive.
- No. Yes.
487
00:17:32,022 --> 00:17:33,523
How am I impulsive?
488
00:17:33,590 --> 00:17:34,790
When you saw "Munich,"
you tried to get Bar Mitzvah'd.
489
00:17:34,858 --> 00:17:36,691
You bought a time-share in Tampa
next to Alex's.
490
00:17:36,759 --> 00:17:38,359
You bought
40 burner cell phones
491
00:17:38,427 --> 00:17:40,328
to make 40 untraceable
dinner reservations.
492
00:17:40,396 --> 00:17:41,596
- You have the facial hair you have.
- Eh!
493
00:17:41,664 --> 00:17:43,598
Okay, I get it! I get it.
494
00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:45,333
Leave the goatee out of it.
495
00:17:45,401 --> 00:17:46,835
- It's hard to leave it out.
- Really hard.
496
00:17:46,903 --> 00:17:48,403
You know what?
497
00:17:48,470 --> 00:17:50,304
Maybe two impulsive people
can work in a relationship.
498
00:17:50,372 --> 00:17:52,540
Hey, it works
for Ice and Coco T.
499
00:17:52,607 --> 00:17:54,074
Sure as hell does.
500
00:17:54,142 --> 00:17:55,375
Here's the dolphin groupon.
501
00:17:55,443 --> 00:17:56,944
But before I give it to you,
502
00:17:57,012 --> 00:17:58,646
you have to do
the obstacle course.
503
00:17:58,713 --> 00:18:00,080
But it's closed.
504
00:18:00,148 --> 00:18:02,382
So let's be impulsive.
505
00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:04,852
Hmm.
506
00:18:25,304 --> 00:18:29,841
Aah! Uhh.
507
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,543
Uhh!
508
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,714
Aah!
509
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,851
Perhaps there's a downside
510
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,687
to having two impulsive people
in a relationship.
511
00:18:42,754 --> 00:18:44,722
Someone should warn
Ice and Coco T.
512
00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,991
I don't think you guys should be
left alone without supervision.
513
00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,225
Yeah, it's like all of a sudden
514
00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:50,595
we're parents to
two 30-year-old dum-dums.
515
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:52,329
Three.
516
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:54,765
Max, again, I am so, so sorry.
517
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,833
It's okay.
You did good, baby.
518
00:18:56,901 --> 00:18:58,334
Chase can't hurt us anymore.
519
00:18:58,402 --> 00:19:02,438
Max, is that you?
520
00:19:02,506 --> 00:19:04,240
Chase?
521
00:19:04,308 --> 00:19:05,909
What are you doing here?
522
00:19:05,977 --> 00:19:07,477
After we spoke on the street,
523
00:19:07,544 --> 00:19:10,013
I slipped on that slice of pizza
you dropped and I hit my head.
524
00:19:10,081 --> 00:19:12,448
I've been unconscious
for three days.
525
00:19:12,516 --> 00:19:14,316
Unconscious?
526
00:19:14,383 --> 00:19:16,351
So then it couldn't have
been you building my life up
527
00:19:16,419 --> 00:19:18,087
only to knock it down.
528
00:19:18,154 --> 00:19:19,989
First of all, I'm fine.
Thanks for asking.
529
00:19:20,056 --> 00:19:21,824
- I didn't ask.
- Secondly, no, I wasn't.
530
00:19:21,891 --> 00:19:23,092
But I'm so glad you're here
531
00:19:23,159 --> 00:19:24,559
because I wanna
tell you something.
532
00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:27,162
I don't know where you fall in
the existence of an afterlife,
533
00:19:27,230 --> 00:19:31,032
but I'm here to tell you
there is another place.
534
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:35,069
It's a spiritual realm ruled
by powerful yet merciful beings.
535
00:19:35,137 --> 00:19:37,271
I was there, Max,
536
00:19:37,339 --> 00:19:41,308
and I was headed
for sweet eternal peace.
537
00:19:41,376 --> 00:19:44,945
But then I realized I could not
transcend to the next plane
538
00:19:45,013 --> 00:19:46,312
until I took care
539
00:19:46,380 --> 00:19:48,048
of the unfinished business
of this world--
540
00:19:48,116 --> 00:19:51,618
the unfinished business
of ruining your life.
541
00:19:51,686 --> 00:19:53,286
It was you.
542
00:19:53,354 --> 00:19:55,722
I came back for you.
543
00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:58,992
I have looked deep into
the abyss of the next world,
544
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:00,326
and it is beautiful.
545
00:20:00,394 --> 00:20:02,394
But before I make
that pilgrimage,
546
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:05,097
I will stop at nothing
to lay waste
547
00:20:05,165 --> 00:20:07,833
to what you so tragically call
548
00:20:07,901 --> 00:20:10,770
your life.
549
00:20:13,373 --> 00:20:15,340
Wow.
550
00:20:15,408 --> 00:20:17,608
That guy is still so cool.
551
00:20:17,677 --> 00:20:20,344
That was perfectly timed
with his exit.
552
00:20:20,412 --> 00:20:22,246
Do you think he rehearsed that
with the nurses beforehand?
553
00:20:22,314 --> 00:20:24,415
You know, Max, the good news is
554
00:20:24,483 --> 00:20:26,084
that now we know you have
the ability to improve your life
555
00:20:26,152 --> 00:20:28,653
all... by... yourself.
556
00:20:28,721 --> 00:20:29,888
Yeah, I guess you're right.
557
00:20:29,955 --> 00:20:31,422
And I would be more than happy
to help you.
558
00:20:31,490 --> 00:20:32,790
Because if you put your mind
to it,
559
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,125
you could achieve things
you only dreamed of.
560
00:20:36,561 --> 00:20:37,761
So what do you say?
561
00:20:39,831 --> 00:20:41,832
It sounds like a lot of work.
Hard pass.
562
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,400
Yeah,
that's okay. I understand.
563
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:45,102
- Well, I gotta go, buddy. Take care.
- Bye, everybody.
564
00:20:53,389 --> 00:20:54,589
Ugh. I got passed up
for another promotion at work.
565
00:20:54,656 --> 00:20:57,259
I really need to change
some things in my life.
566
00:21:01,029 --> 00:21:02,229
You know, on second thought,
567
00:21:02,297 --> 00:21:03,830
why should I even doubt myself?
568
00:21:03,899 --> 00:21:07,101
I mean, I don't even want
that job anyways.
569
00:21:07,168 --> 00:21:09,203
Yeah. Yeah.
570
00:21:09,271 --> 00:21:12,773
So, Alex, are you going to that
dolphin thing with Dave today?
571
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,640
Oh, no.
572
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:17,176
I can do this. I can do this.
573
00:21:18,946 --> 00:21:21,614
Oh, no. No way.
574
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,616
I know what you guys want,
575
00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,251
and you're not gettin' it!
576
00:21:26,256 --> 00:21:30,597
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577
00:21:30,647 --> 00:21:35,197
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