All language subtitles for Happy Endings s03e09 Ordinary Extraordinary Love.eng

Thank you.

Beer for Alex, Penny,
and my boo,

and one "surprise me"...

for Dave.

What is it?

Hmm. Let's see.

Mm-hmm.

I'm getting hints
of lingonberry,

some bruised fig and...

- It's my ginger ale.
- A ginger ale.

Oh! What a palate.

Thank you for the drinks, Jane.

Oh, God, it's nothing.
I am rolling in it.

Sold four cars today.

- Wow!
- I'm gonna go pay the tab.

- All right, man.
- Come here.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

My baby could sell snow
to an eskimo.

And by "snow," I mean cocaine.

Eskimos traditionally don't have
a lot of disposable income,

so it's a pretty impressive
sales feat

if you really think about it.
You know what I mean?

What I'm
saying is I'm proud of my baby.

I love how cool you are
with Jane being the breadwinner

and you staying home.

It is like postgender city,
population progress.

Yeah, you're like, "I'm Brad,
and I'm basically a woman."

"I got an inverted weiner
and my boobs squirt milk.

Postgender."

Okay, let's not get
carried away, okay?

I'm still all man up in here.

Hey, honey, do you have a pen?

Un momento, my dear.

Oh! Mmm.

That's great.

Tissue.

Iron girl.

Can never find anything in here.

Why do you have socks?

In case we go dancing.

Mm-hmm.

Aha!

Hey, jerks, shut up!

Hey, shut up, you jerks!

Focus on me, idiots!

Why can't I meet a nice guy?
I'm nice.

- Not nice.
- Totally off-putting.

- You just stole my beer.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you bought it for me
and set it over there.

Guys, I'm in a
real man drought right now.

Well, how do you normally
meet guys?

I don't mean to sound cocky,
but they always come to me.

Thanks.

Oh, are you gay?

Max, maybe you just need
to get out more.

Right. Out there.

Yes.

So what you're saying is,

become a delivery man myself,
meet them at their homes,

get to paid to have sex
and eat free food.

Jane, you beautiful broomstick,
I love it,

but here is the rub with that.

That basically makes me
a prostitute,

which means I'm gonna
fall in love with the game,

and there's no way
my pizzeria manager/pimp

is gonna let me
out of the game.

I mean, I'm his top earner.

Jane, ya dumb lamppost,

your plan is garbage!

There were people here before.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Well, boo, I am off
to the therapist.

I think we are finally gonna get
to the bottom

of her control issues.

Oh, you know what? Could you
call the guy about the dimmer?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

- Bye, guys.
- Okay.

Bye.

Did you hear that?
"Call the guy"?

Real men don't call the guy.
Real men am the guy.

That is not English.

That's okay. The guy you call

probably won't speak English
either.

Oof. Sorry.
I just visited my nana.

No, seriously, Jane
doesn't think I'm man enough

to do stuff like this.

Dude, show her that you are.

Install the dimmer.
I'll help. I'm pretty handy.

I actually Bob Vila'd the squeak
out of a cabinet last week.

You used butter, and then
you tried to make croissants

and didn't have enough butter

and then screamed
into a brown bag.

- I know what I screamed into.
- Okay.

God, you women
would not know a real man

unless he came up
and slapped you in the face.

I meant that in-- in a figure
of speech kind of way,

not a domestic violence
kind of way.

Bro, do you want to man it up

and install this dim-dog
ourselves?

Is Val Kilmer my spirit animal?

- I don't know.
- You betcha.

So yeah, I wanna man it up.

Yeah! Uhh!

Oh, God!
Yeah, pump it. Pump it.

I'm veining out, bro.

- What's happening?
- I am veining out.

Good luck on your date.
Your dress is amazing.

Thank you.

And you're gonna love
that restaurant.

Actually, let me write down
the dish you must get.

Here.

Ribs.

Trust me.

See you later.

Bye!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm gonna die!

Me, too!
I mean, we all are,

but why are we talking
about that now? It's sad.

Duh! That's Winnie McCray.

Duh! She's only, like,

the biggest pop star
on the planet.

"Duh" was the name
of her last album?

Honestly, I haven't been
too interested in music

since Smash Mouth
left the game.

Well, Winnie sings these,
like, cheesy teen love songs,

like "Ordinary Love"
with lyrics like,

"nobody knows what I'm like,
but they want to be like me."

I mean, I think that's
how it goes. I don't know.

"Think I'm on top of the world,
but it's on top of me."

It's so stupid!

Mucho barfo.

Smash Mouth she ain't.

You do realize
that selling Winnie a dress

could help out your store
big-time?

Of course I realize that.

But first, you tell me how
you think that's gonna happen,

and then I'll probably
say the same thing.

- Well, it's PR 101.
- Right.

We tell the paparazzi where
Winnie's going on her date,

then they photograph her
in the dress, and boom!

Xela Dresses are
the hottest fashion item

since bicycle Joe Steroid's

little yellow
cheater bracelets.

Think about it.

So awesome.

Still thinking.

Well, we don't have all day.

Hang on.

You got it.

No, I was just thinking
about Smash Mouth.

Well...

It's official.

I am retiring from gay.

That's right.
I'm straight now.

From this moment forward,

it's gonna be a steady diet
of boobs and dudes.

Damn it.

I am no longer
interested in men.

I am only interested in men.

Come on. What?

From this moment forward,

it will be a steady diet
of chicks with--

damn it.

I love guys.

Mm.

My favorite thing
to touch is...

the penis.

Okay, what happened?

I went to a gay bar last night,

and nobody spoke to me.
Not even a whiff.

Let me guess the name
of the bar. This is so fun.

Manhole. Backdoor.
Club Tush. Dreamballs.

Club Tush again.
Is it Club Tush?

It was Greg's, Jane.

The gay bar was called Greg's.

Oh, yeah, no, that's--

that's a cl--
that's clever.

- Max, hello!
- What?

- I just haven't said hello yet. Hi.
- Oh, hey, buddy.

And also hello,
it was twink night at Greg's.

Nobody's gonna hit on you.
You're not a twink.

- I am too a twink.
- What's a twink?

- A guy who eats a lot of Twinkies.
- A thin, sweet, smooth pretty boy.

- Oh.
- It's one of our many gay categories.

We have our bears, our queens,
our daddies,

our sugar caddies, our
maple-smoked sausage patties,

our Belgian waffles,
and of course, our 6-tops.

Fun fact-- those last four are
just things that are

in this room, but you
believed me because...

you are stupid!

Wow. And what,
pray tell, are you?

I'm a soft, soft, soft, soft,
soft butch.

Well, if I'm not a twink,
what am I?

Oh, Max, I can't tell you that.

Every gay must find himself
himself.

Okay.
I know what you're doing.

You're gay Yoda-ing me.
Wait. Is that redundant?

I have an idea.
Let's all go out tonight

and find Max's gay identity.

The gays love me.
I'm a total hag.

You don't think
the gays love me?

How did you know?

I could feel the wind.

The wind of your head shake.

You have nothing in your teeth.

We are so geared up
for this man task.

Beef jerky, cheap beer,

old-school
top-loading boom box.

Hey. We good on drop cloths?

I got 70, but we could
always get more.

Hey, you know what's manly?
Little handprint on the thigh.

Like you had to wipe off

but were too busy
to get a towel.

Let's do this.

Let's do this. Ha ha!

- Uhh!
- Uhh!

Careful.
Careful. Easy.

- Ah. Whoa!
- Whoa. Whoa.

Hey!

Hot stuff coming through!

I approve this message.

Yeah! Ha ha!

Tweet-twoo!

Oh, tweet-twoo
to you, too.

Oh. I didn't realize

you guys are going to install
the dimmer yourselves.

Mm-hmm.

That's great.

Hey, did you detect any sarcasm

when she said, "that's great"?

Duh! She pretty much

laughed in our faces and dared
us to install this dimmer.

Well, let's freaking show her.

Hand me the hammer.

Ohh!

You know what?
Forgot to get the tools,

and the hardware store's
closed.

Fresh eyes tomorrow.

Fresh eyes.

I kinda feel bad about spilling
the beans on Winnie's date.

If she didn't want people
to know she was here,

why would she tell you?

I just have one of those faces
that says,

"where are you eating?"
'Cause my mouth is on my face,

and that's what my mouth
is saying.

Al, she's a celeb.

They're not like real people.

She wanted you to leak it
so the press would show up.

It's a dunce.
Okay, she likes this.

I bet if she were
to show up right now,

- she would be happy and thank us. Aah!
- She's coming out!

Winnie. Winnie. Over here.

- Over here.
- Winnie, who's your boyfriend?

What are you doing in Chicago?

Who are you wearing, Winnie?

I'm sorry. This is--
this is really crazy. I...

I gotta go. I'm sorry.

Kyle?

What is wrong with you people?

Looks like you got a great story
for your tabloids!

"Winnie gets dumped."

I have another headline
for you--

"Winnie smashes the camera!"

Oh. And I'm wearing a dress
by Xela,

you (Bleep)!

And that's my car.

Aah!

Ugh! You promised we were gonna
get good publicity.

Now I'm in the middle

of a celebrity meltdown
that I started.

I'm just trying to run an honest
Christian establishment.

Relax.
This is my specialty.

I can spin this,

which is why everyone at work
calls me the old spinster.

Watch me work.

All right, everybody,
listen up.

Penny Hartz, PR Maven.

Yes, Winnie McCray
had a meltdown.

Yes, it was right
after she bought a Xela dress.

But are those two things
necessarily related?

Aw, shyeah!

Winnie's not the story, folks.

Xela's the story.

What is it about a Xela dress
that makes good girls go bad?

Hmm?

Hmm?

- Mm?
- What are you doing?

I'm doing coy poses. Go with it.
Is my eyebrow arched?

- No.
- Little help? Little help?

Hmm?

Okay, I have mapped out

every gay subculture gathering
in the city,

and we are going to hit them all
until we figure out which

of these incredibly specific
categories you belong to.

Are you ready to continue
your quest, young grasshopper?

Just to clarify,

"young grasshopper"
isn't your gay category,

because you don't have the legs,
and you old, bitch.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Ostrich night.

Ginger Snaps.

Chameleon night.

Sweet.

This place is empty, Jane.

It's actually at full capacity.

Okay,
we have had some setbacks,

but I just think you need
to meet some guys

that have the same interests
as you.

So tonight features...

beers and bulls.

- I like drinking beer.
- Uh, yeah.

I love watching the bulls.

Uh, yeah.

I like these guys.

Hey, man.
Where's the bulls game?

We're the bulls...

Oh, no! Lesbians!

And this is strictly
an Orlando Magic bar.

Why?!

It's not a choice,
buddy. I was born in Orlando.

Ugh.

The only Orlando I like

starts with Tony
or ends with Bloom.

- Aw, you're sad.
- Oh.

Oh, rock bottom.

That's your emotional state,

but it's also the name of
the next bar we're going to.

Let's go.

Mm...

Oh! Hey, I think I finally found
a stud with the stud finder.

Right here.

Oh, I think there might
be one more...

right here!

God! How are we
the first people

to think of making
stud finder jokes?

I don't know, but we are!

Oh!

- Ah.
- Should we finish this thing?

Yes. Together.

Righty tighty.
Righty tighty.

- Not too fast.
- Okay.

Righty tighty. Righty tighty.

Righty tighty.

Nice job, my man.

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Ahem.
- It's cool. It's cool.

- This kind of thing happens.
- Just clearing my man throat.

Ahem.
Ahem.

- Should I try it again?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Just...

- Aah!
- Aah! Ah! Ah!

Ahem.

Yes. It's nice.

Sweet rebranding!

We are working
this Winnie meltdown hard.

And usually rebranding
doesn't work. Look at KFC.

Sorry, guys,

but you are always gonna be
Kitchen Fresh Chicken to me.

I gotta hand it to you, Penny.
You were right.

Well, that's the reason everyone
at work calls me undatable,

'cause you can't put a date
on the last time I was wrong

about a PR-related issue.

Yeah, you really
knocked it out of the park this time.

Thank you!

It's nice to get some
unsolicited recognish from a...

disgraced pop star.

Hi...

- All right, bye.
- Bye. Bye, bye, bye. Bye.

- Bye, everybody. Gotta go. Have a good
night. - Thanks for coming. Bye.

- So...
- So...

Nutty times.

It might be possible

that we tipped off the paparazzi
about your super secret date.

Yeah, I know.

You were the only one I told
I was going to dinner.

Well, the good news is,
it looks like it worked out

for all of us. Let's call it
a night.

No, it didn't.
I really like that guy.

A lot.

Okay, we have
to make this up to her.

You're right.
I'll take this one.

Look, Winnie,
we are really sorry.

Look, you look chilled, okay?

Why don't you put on

this special edition jacket,
all right? Here you go.

No, okay? This is enough.

Winnie, we are really
genuinely sorry.

I just saw a PR opportunity,
and I went full speed ahead

like a runaway train,

which is why everyone
in my office calls me

an absolute train wreck.

Wait. I'm starting to question
these loving nicknames.

Finally.

Anyways, we didn't mean
to hurt you.

We just never think
of celebrities as real people.

It's okay.

Celebrities don't think of
you guys as real people either.

You shouldn't. We're garbage.

I believe we proved that
tonight.

Uh, yeah, we did.

I just wish I had
a little privacy sometimes

so I could date
a nice, normal guy like Kyle.

But I guess I can't.

Wow.

You really are just a girl
looking for

ordinary extraordinary love.

And you know what?
So am I.

And... funny fact,

I actually wrote a similar song
once-- some might say better.

It was called "Give a Penny,
Take a Penny."

Please don't sing.
I hate music that's not mine.

Looks like the paparazzi
found me.

Ooh.

So I might've texted them
that you were here,

but that was
our heartfelt resolution, so...

I know. Has anyone ever told you
you look exactly like me?

No.

I have an idea based on
our uncanny resemblance.

Max!

Are you ready to continue

your long gay's journey
into night?

I guess it comes to this.

- No!
- Max!

- No! No.
- Max! Ew!

I don't fit into any
of the gay subcultures.

I'm too hairy to be a seal.

I'm too seal to be a hairy.

So I'm just gonna shave down

for Power SEAL night
at Club Tush.

I knew there was a Club Tush.

Max!

Max. Max. Max. Max. Max.
Max. Max. Max. Max.

Max, Max, Max!

Max. Max. Max. Max!

Max. Max!

What?!
Just please tell me what I am.

I don't know, all right?

I thought you would
figure it out,

then I would take credit
for it, but...

You're like
Anne Hathaway's accents.

You're all over the place.

He is right.

According to my math,
you are 10% panther,

15% wolf, 0% twink,

and 40% body fat.

I guess no one will ever
love me.

Now I know how webisodes feel.

But, Max, you're actually lucky
to not be in a category.

I've been pigeonholed ever since
I came out of my mom.

You know,
I looked back and I said,

"I'm never gonna get near
one of those things again."

- Mm! Mnh-mnh. - But I'm not
complaining. I love being incredible.

But do I wonder
what it would be like

to be less incredible?

Well, of course I think
deep stuff like that.

I'm incredible.

Don't bend to fit
other people's groups.

Make your own.

You know what?
You guys are right.

Bring it in.

- Oh! Mmm.
- Mmm!

Is that whipped cream?

No, it's actually Greek yogurt.

- Oh.
- It's the closest shave you can get...

from a yogurt.

Oh.

Mm. It's probably
a circuit breaker.

Yep. That's what
I was thinkin'.

Circuit breaker.

The ol' CB.

Can't leave
with circuit breakers,

can't live without 'em.

You don't know what
a circuit breaker is, do you?

Whoa, bro. Whoa.

- You questioning my manhood, bro?
- Maybe.

You didn't even know
the difference between

a phillips head screwdriver

and a-a screwdriver
with the other... head.

So you know what? I am way more
of a man than you.

That is malarkey, sir.

- Malarkey?
- Yeah. That is flat-out malarkey.

- Sir, I do doth protest.
- I don't protest, all right?

- I am way more of a man than you'll
ever be! - Not true, man.

Aah! Aah!

Jane, I'm winning
the man-am games.

I deadlifted this plate chair
six times.

I broke the five times barrier.

David?

Okay.

"Arm wrestling.

Toaster toss.

Naming types of sharks."

Guess who won that.

What is this?
Like a pissing contest?

Oh, I already won that event.

Oh.

The limo's here.

Okay, so you're just gonna get
out there and go right in it.

Right. And then the paparazzi
will follow.

Do I look like Winnie?

Now you do. Get out!

- Okay!
- Go!

- Okay! Okay! Okay!
- Go! Go! Go!

Here she is!

Ohh!

Uhh!

It's not even her.

How could I
have hit my big head again?

My big head is so big.

Thanks, Dave.

Okay, nobody knows
that you're here.

And this time,
your secret is safe. I promise.

So... enjoy
your secret date.

Hey, Winnie.

Miss McCray, Alex has
specifically requested

that you not be given
VIP treatment tonight.

That would be lovely.
Thank you.

There's only one problem--

here at Steak Me Home tonight,
everyone is a VIP.

Ugh. Dave.

I'll drive.

So cute.

Look, I know you're mad,

but the only reason
I even did all this

is because you've been making me
feel insecure about my manhood.

Brad, don't get freaked out

because I am making mad coin
at the car dealership.

I'm stressin'.

This manhood stuff
is all in your head.

I mean, you could not be acting
more like a man right now--

stupid, stubborn, and smelly.

Seriously, did you power wash
this place with farts?

So you're saying I'm a man?

Oh, you...

are all man.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

Hey-o!

Damn it!

It's just you guys.

What? We're here
to support you.

Yeah, it can't be easy
to start a new gay subculture

with one day's notice
and, knowing you,

a completely bungled
marketing strategy.

I put an add
in "The Sacramento Bee."

Looks like we got here
just in time.

Your banner's crooked.

- Let's do this, bro.
- Yeah.

Ha ha!

Excuse me.

Is this optimistic
red-velvet walrus night?

Oh.

Yeah.

- Yes, it is.
- Great.

What is that?

Well, I don't know.
I made it up.

Why would you come then?

I don't know.

I don't really fit
into those other categories,

so I thought
I'd give this one a shot.

I-I'm Max.

- I'm Alan.
- Awesome.

Alan. That's cool.
That's a good name.

Guys!

That might be
an optimistic red-velvet walrus.

Oh, man, this place is empty.

But... I'll bet
it's all gonna work out.

Ha ha ha!

Okay, let's do this.
What's my gay category?

Okay. You're a twink,

but I've seen you eat,
so you're a sloppy twink--

- which is not as much fun as it sounds.
- Mm.

Penny, you drink a lot,
you are really loud,

and you have
a lot of embarrassing stories

about dating?
Bitch, you are a hag!

Well, I used to be a beard,
so I'll take that as a win.

I thought I was a hag.

Nope. You're a top,
plain and simple.

Damn right I am.

Oh! I know what I am.

I am a scruffy power bottom,

because I have a goatee and I do
lots of glute exercises.

Your reasoning is wrong,
but your conclusion is correct.

Do me! Do me!

Oh, would that I could.

Would that I freaking could.

Um...

- Damn! Damn!
- Aah! Aah!

- Ohh!
- Damn! Damn!

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

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